Adam Scott
01:06:36 Share

Introducing the Bacon Deluxe Sonic Smasher from Sonic Drive-In. It's the latest and greatest addition to the iconic Sonic Smasher lineup. That's right. Take the Sonic Smasher you know and love, and we all know and love that Sonic Smasher, with hand-smashed patties. It's so violent, this burger. Hand-smashed patties made to order. Get a double or a triple and bash them together. Yeah.

Then top it with fresh lettuce that you smash into it. Flavored tomatoes and delicious crispy bacon that's fired out of a cannon. Bacon, deluxe, sonic, smasher. Who knew just four words could make your mouth water? Incredible. Yeah.

Pinkies up for the all-new Bacon Deluxe Sonic Smasher. Try it at Sonic Drive-In near you. Are you still quoting 30-year-old movies? Have you said cool beans in the past 90 days? Do you think Discover isn't widely accepted? If this sounds like you, you're stuck in the past. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. Welcome to the Sonic Drive-In.

to the now. It pays to discover. Learn more at discover.com slash credit card based on the February 2024 Nelson Report. Hi, my name is Adam Scott and I feel pure joy

about being Conan O'Brien's fucking friend. Wait, what is this? Yeah, that's right, but I love that he had to think about it. You hit pure joy, and then you clearly couldn't do it. Like, you had eaten something rotten, and you couldn't keep it down. I think putrefied is the exact word. The exact feeling. Fall is here, here.

Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Hey there, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And I do need a friend, fortunately. I have 1.5 in Son of Session. Wait a minute. And Gorley, Matt Gorley. Am I 0.5 or are we both 0.75? You know what? It's something you'll have to figure out on your own. That's the beauty of my mystical little quips.

You never know what I really mean. This is an exciting day. Mystical. Because Sona's wearing a jacket I haven't seen before. And this is a woman who will wear the same jacket day in and day out. And I don't believe someone should be a clothes horse. I don't think someone should be, you know, styling it every day. You know, that's not my way. Yeah. But I am not a material man. But... But you talk about my clothes all the time. Because for most of...

The many, many, many years I employed you, you wore the same jacket every day. And with all due respect, does that jacket exist anymore? Jesus, Matt. Sorry. It does not. No, no. Did that jacket go up in the fire? Yes, it did. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. So maybe you should apologize. Why is he saying that? I meant to defend you. I just assumed it would be okay because you wear it all the time.

So the one time you took it off, you left it in your house and that's when your house caught fire? Yes. So you should buy me a new one. Yeah. Well, I could buy you 30. They don't look that...

Expensive. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We should also notice that this is the first recording we've done since the one recording we've done after the fires. And already you're back on. Well, all I'm saying is I used to give you a hard time about that jacket. And I'm sure we've discussed it in different episodes. I called it the old Dr. Zaius. It was it's a dark jacket. Dr. Zaius was kind of an orange jacket.

Mine is, it was black. It was a black leather jacket. Yeah, it was black, but had some crenellations and folds. Had a little bit of an 80s vibe to it. Unbelievable. Oh my God. But anyway, you just wore the same thing every single day. And I used to say, did I not? I'll get you a jacket. I looked so cool in that jacket. I did. Nothing is cooler than a worn in jacket. Oh, it was worn in all right. Yes. No, no, no. It was, it was...

Wow. I am shocked that jacket's gone because that is such a part of... It's okay. She lived a good life. She saw some shit. It's a she? Yeah.

I don't know. Your current jacket is definitely a she. My current jacket, my best friend Veronica got me this one. Oh, look at this. What is that? And she gave me, because I had pins all over my other denim jackets, so she got me a happy face, a popcorn, a Freddie Mercury, and a vagina pin. I love that I just pointed to a vagina and said, what is that? What is that?

Oh, I've heard tell. A new discovery. Yeah. Wait, what? I know you want to, you should probably see it. It's not just a vagina. It's got like the fallopian tubes. Yeah. It has fallopian tubes that are flowers. Mm-hmm. What's that? Really? I mean, is that a vagina? Sorry. No, it's more like a cattle head with roses for horns. Yes. God. It's.

I'm sorry. What do you guys got going on in there? Yeah. What are we doing? Don't make me do an anatomy lesson because to be honest, I don't even know how it works. I don't even know what's going on down there. Do you guys know what's going on? Oh, you've never done that thing that women are supposed to do to empower themselves where they get a mirror and they look there and they love themselves and all that whole thing? Why are you saying it with disdain? That wasn't disdain. He's saying it with utter horror. Yes.

Horror. Have you ever closely examined yourself? Your penis? Well, ours, you could see it all the time. That's true. And sometimes it looks right at you. They're on the outside.

No, there are. There's a lot of things going on with this. And it's, you know, I don't I never I never really examined it, but maybe I should. And I'll learn some stuff. Wait, the pin or your actual undercarriage? Don't say undercarriage. Don't say undercarriage. My vagina. You can say vagina. It's OK to say it. Well, I think I don't know. I'm not sure.

It's vagina. That's what it is. Why do you shrug your shoulders when you do that? So uncomfortable. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Now I'm doing it like Jeff Ross would do. Vagina. Do you want to wear the vagina pin? I'm good. Okay. I'm good. People will think I just spilled some tomatillo sauce on me. I don't think I'll wear the pin. I'm good. All right. But I think I want women to know I'm in their corner. Just keep that thing away from me.

Now, would your mom be okay with you wearing that pin? I think at this point they just like don't know what to. They can't tell me not to do something. Would she just looking at that? Would she know it's a vagina? Because it's not. It's not. It's weird. It's pretty vaggie. You have to. You have to. Yeah, I think your first instinct is vaggie, but you have to like give it a double look. What else could it be? It's got roses on it. This is a vagina. This is how a vagina looks.

It's a vagina. I think... Blay, weigh in. Well, you say no. Let's get all the men in the room to weigh in. Blay has seen two in his lifetime. Blay, weigh in. What was the one I came out of? Passing through. It's like when you're in a train and it's not your station. Oh, my God. There goes New Haven. Oh, my God.

I think, well, aren't they supposed to be the fallopian tubes and ovaries? Yeah. So it's not just the vagina. It's the women's reproductive system. Oh, you were being more like, yeah, it's the whole thing. It's all of it. Yeah. Well, why didn't they keep going and have parts of the...

The bladder. Why not just keep going at that point? Why'd they put the fallopian tubes in there? I don't know. They probably want to celebrate that we have the ability to create life. And that makes us special. Unlike men who just like don't do anything. Where's the tattoo that says do not enter? We're talking about we.

Yeah, we have. No, but listen, we have a we do something. What do you what do you do? We carry the sacred seed. OK, don't say we do. Don't stop saying don't say this and don't say that. I don't know. But the way you approach this is very to say that we do nothing, I think, is absurd. It takes two to tango, as they say. And we do biologically. Biologically, I think we are for now a necessity. Yeah. OK.

You're right. I do think, obviously, yes, biologically, yes. But then we have to do everything after that. And that's a lot. Well, we do things, too. We're like, honey, can I get you some tea before I go out to the strip club with my pals?

Honey, can I prop your feet up before I head out and ogle the ladies on the boulevard and eat ham sandwiches with my chums? Yes. Sorry. I'm just going to say one thing, which is I think it kind of says everything that someone, you know, that you have a beautiful pin celebrating women's reproductive organs. And we have truck nuts. That's true.

That is true. I don't put them on my... Well, in your case, you biologically have truck nuts, right? I do. Yeah. That was just a gift from God and General Motors. I have 1963 Saab nuts. They're a little different. Those are cold weather nuts.

Those are four-wheel drive, cold weather, European-designed nuts. They're attractive in a vintage way. Sure, yeah. If you can see these nuts, you're way too close, buddy. Back up. And they drive on the wrong side of the road. What are those nuts doing over there? This is America. America.

I don't want to be here. Listen, I'm sorry. Can I fervently hold this up, please? Yes, I am sorry for the loss of that jacket. I really am. Okay. I really am. I don't think you are. No, I am. I am. I mean, you went through a terrible thing, and I'm... Yeah. I do. It was fun making fun of that jacket, and now that it's gone and the way that it went, I'm sad. So you're sad that you don't really get to make fun of it anymore? That's what it is. I have lost...

One of the arrows in my quiver. I now have one less thing to attack Sona with. And I think that's the greatest tragedy here. So many arrows. Let's wrap it up. It's an endless supply of arrows. Like another one just popped up and I don't know for what, but it's there. So don't worry about it. You'll be okay. Yes. I'll get you to the end of time. Sorry about your loss. My guest today starred in shows like

Like Parks and Recreation and Party Down. Now you can see him in the second season. I am so excited about this. I'm loving the second season. And I do honestly think this is one of the most beautifully crafted things on television. The hit Apple TV series, Severance. So excited he's here today. I celebrate this gentleman. Adam Scott, welcome.

Very excited to have you here. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. Because you know I'm a massive fan of your work, but also you as a person. And we've had the joy of hanging out a little bit. And I'm just, I could not be happier for you. Oh, thanks. That you are right now at the center of the coolest show ever.

on television, universal acclaim. Everyone's been waiting on the second season. It shows up. It was appointment television for my son, my wife, and I. We just like, we sat down loving it. We debate it. It is beautifully made. You're killing it. And I'm just, I'm happy for you. Thank you, Conan.

Do I wish it were me? Yes, I do. Sure. Sure, I understand. Do I feel that maybe there was a chance that I'd get that part? Yeah.

It was a mix-up of some sort? Yeah. I know Stiller called me at one point, and I didn't get the call. I couldn't quite pick it up. No, I'm just... That's show business. Yeah. And then he had to go with his second choice. That's right. Adam Scott. That's right. What the fuck? Well, whatever. You know what? It ended up working out. And no, it is just...

So artfully done, so beautifully done, so much thought has gone into this. And I watched the opening shot of the second season several times. Oh, really? Because you are, I'm not giving anything away, but the opening shot of the second season, you are running down this hallway that just doesn't end. Yeah.

And there's something about the way it's shot. I don't know what it is. I've watched a lot of film. I've watched a lot of television. And I have never seen anything quite like it. And I can't put my finger on what's happening there. But it is a absolutely incredible film.

piece of filmmaking that's the start of a television show. Yeah, that's all Ben. First of all, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I listen to the show all the time. And Conan, you are one of those people who, you know, as you move through show business, you get to know people that you know their work and I'm a fan. You are a fan before you get to know them. You are definitely one of those people. I still can't believe that I actually know you. And I know

there are a lot of us who feel that way. So thank you and thanks for having me. It may not last. No, no, no. I can already tell it's fading. Yeah.

I'm starting to forget your name right now. That's right, that's right. Which I totally expect based on previous experience. Every time I've seen you out on the street, I usually ask you, "Oh, waiter." Yes. Can I get some more ice water? It's a party down confusion. That's right. Yeah.

But anyway, I know that Ben takes this really seriously. And it's not just making a TV show. This is a whole other thing. Yeah. And that's part of what I love about it is that he's someone who, you know him, he's thinking about all of it. He's thinking about the whole grid at all times. And for me, that's that...

lets me relax and the rest of the cast as well. And we can just focus on, because if you're worried about like what it, yeah, but if you're asking me to do this, but is it going to feel ridiculous because that thing's happening and we're going 40 miles an hour. If that guy's right here and I'm reacting this way, like,

And sometimes you say that and the director looks at you and it's clear that they haven't thought about any of this, which is fine too. It's a matter of experience or how different people make different things. But with Ben, you know, he's thinking about the entire thing. He's considered every detail. So we can all just focus on the task at hand. The sense I get is that Ben is playing three-dimensional chess. Yes. And, you know,

And we're playing Connect Four. Exactly. And you ask him a question, you'd be like, do not worry. He's seeing like his nine dimensional chessboard.

But looking at the whole span of your career, this is quite a different gig. Yeah. First of all, I know it took you a while. You paid, talk about paying your dues. You paid your dues for a long time. It took you a long time to find your footing, catch your break. And then it was really in, I mean, starting to...

starting out in like background work. Yeah. What you doing background work? Yeah. For a Tia Carrere music video. That was one of my many background gigs. That was you? Yeah. You were the best part. You guys probably all recognized me when I walked in. Yeah. Guy with beret. I believe is how they referred to me. For real? You were wearing a beret for real? My own. Oh.

I can't find it anywhere. I really have looked. It was fall of 93 and I had a beret and I thought it was great. And I wore it.

all the time. And I definitely wore it to the filming of the Tia Carrere video. So I would love to try and find it. I don't even know if I appear. I have to say, I don't know if you guys do this. And you might do it because this used to be your profession. I look at background people sometimes in scenes. And if I don't find the scene particularly riveting, I really do look at the background people. 100%. And I'm...

I'm usually impressed. Yeah. Like they're in it. Yeah. They're both not talking at the same time, even though. Right. And then every now and then there's someone who's just too happy about having a cup of coffee. Yes. Or having a conversation where they're like, you know. Yes, yes. Just take it down a notch. Yes. Yeah. Or wearing a beret. Or wearing a beret. Anything to get noticed.

But you know, then when your breaks start to come, it's very much ensemble work. And you are in an ensemble now, but you are the face of the show. So this is, I mean, there must be something kind of comforting about this.

about ensemble work. Yeah. Clearly, I mean, working on something like Party Down, you're just working with these wonderful improvised. I mean, what a cast. It's incredible. Yeah. I'm feeling like you're just ensconced in this, and Parks and Rec too, just being part of this crew that Amy was really leading. But yeah, comforting is a perfect word for it. And it's part of why I was so freaked out when Severance

first came out a few years ago. It's like suddenly the billboards went up and it was my face around town. And it really, it should have been like this big, happy, you

you know, monumental moment that I've been waiting for for 30 years. But it just freaked me out. And Ben sort of talked me down because he's certainly been through it. Just because at that point, we made the show in a bubble and no one had seen it and we loved it, but had no clue if anyone would like it or if people would just make fun of us. Like, you just don't know at all other than your own barometer. And we thought it was cool, but

man, you just have, you have zero sense of how it's going to be received. So it could have been this big, embarrassing thing anyway. Um, yeah. When you're kind of out front, it is, it's, it's frightening. And then also rewarding. Um, when you're doing something that you feel good about. Yes. I've said this for many years and I don't think most people,

people would understand it. I think the assumption is if you're working on something cool that's gonna be iconic, everyone knows it as they're working on it. And that is not the case. No. And I've always said it takes a lot of very talented people working very hard to make something terrible. Yeah. You know, it's why I get very impatient

Around Oscar season, there are all these reviews of movies and a lot of them are really brilliant movies. And they'll say, yeah, but then they really blew it in that one part. Right. And I'll be thinking, do you know how hard it is just to make a movie, let alone a great movie? But there's that one part in The Brutalist where they kind of miss the mark a

a little bit. People become just film historians when Oscar season comes around. They get very, very persnickety. Yeah, and also all the time it takes. I think that was part of why we were all so afraid of it landing with a thud is that it was so hard to make and took so long that it would have been a bummer. But anything that comes out and doesn't quite work, people were working on it for a few years. It's always... One thing geeking out about Star Wars

severance the visuals yeah the way it shot the colors there's all this thought going into stuff the the machines they use are oddly out of time and the cars the cars are out of time um which you know leads to all different kinds of theories but the choices directing and creating a lot of the time is about choices and just

everything is just a little off in this weird way that I can't quite put my finger on. And I find I could watch it, you know, watch it with the sound on and then you could watch it again with the sound off and just look at the colors. Totally.

and what people are wearing and how things are framed in the shots. And I think how Ben and Jessica Lee Gagne, the director of photography, and Jeremy, our production designer, and Kat, our props master, I think the way they visually tell the story too, you could watch it with the sound off and get

the story too emotionally and maybe some of the more kind of mind twisty details wouldn't be there but you would emotionally get the story uh and i think that's really important too when you can make something where you can uh turn the sound off like it's like if you listen to your podcast with the sound off you get

You get it. You know, I'm going to tell you something. You get a little bit more than if you do listen to it with the sound, right? We recommend that people, when they're driving, turn the sound off and you'll have a completely superior experience. I recommend you put on a different podcast. Yeah. But keep the sound off on this one. Concurrently play another one. That's the experience. ♪

There's this great new thing I've heard about where you take a trip, you go someplace, okay? And you Airbnb your apartment, your house, your pad while you're gone. Yeah. And that way you make some money or as I call it, some scratch.

And you just have people staying at your house. And it's completely cool. Blay, have you done this? Yeah. And you know what's interesting is my sister recently moved back to Michigan. So I've been traveling there a lot. And so with Airbnb, I can host people at my apartment while I'm gone back in Michigan to make a little extra, as you say, scratch. I mean, it completely makes sense. Why should your apartment or your

home empty. Exactly. Now, do you have to spruce it up a little bit, make it nice? Well, your place is pretty nice anyway. It's pretty nice, but I do have a lot of comic books and a lot of, you know, like horror movie paraphernalia. So, you know, it's a bit Batcave-ish in terms of if Bruce Wayne was a virgin. Well, you're never fully developed as a human being, so I just think what you want to do is put all that stuff in a cabinet place. Right, right. So they think they're getting an Airbnb from a fully developed adult, you know what I'm saying? Right.

I don't think it's all going to fit in one cabinet, but I can certainly try. Just whatever. I know your place is in Venice. It's a nice place. Come on. I will host you. It's a nice place. You have a dinosaur egg. I have a real brontosaurus egg. That's true. And seven life-sized iron men.

Welcome to Blaze Apartment. The Mark 3, the Mark 6, the Mark... Just don't leave money on the table this year when you travel. Make sure that you look into Airbnb and be an Airbnb host. That's right. Your home could be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host. ♪

Pretty chilly out there, wintertime. Yeah, it is. You know what I like about wintertime? I'm going to tell you anyway. I like sitting around with my pals, my good buddies, my posse, and I like cracking open a cold one, you know, whether it's a holiday gathering, office parties, or a fireside conversation, football Sundays. Oh, I love football Sundays with the gang. Sure do. You're such a jock. I am a jock. The old jockaroo, they used to call me.

Winter means more moments with the coolest people in your life. It really does. And making these moments even better with Miller Lite, the great tasting light beer for people who love beer. If you like love beer, it's got to be Miller Lite. You got to do that one. I'll tell you why I like Miller Lite. It's brewed for taste. Okay. It hits different than the other light beers. It's made with simple ingredients.

Let me list them for you. Oh. Malted barley for rich, balanced toffee note flavors and the iconic golden color, you know? And I like that it's 96 calories. And I actually wanted to know how many carbs it was. So I did this myself in a lab. Oh. It's 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. How did you do that? It's very complicated. I can't describe it all to you now, Sonia. You'd never understand. Okay. But it involves...

All right. Petri dishes and flame. Anyway, Miller Lite, it's great taste. It's 96 calories. Go to MillerLite.com slash Kona to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Hey, if you go into a place that sells beer and they don't have Miller Lite, tell them, hey, guess what? You don't really sell beer, do you? Tastes like Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

You know, one of the hardest parts about B2B marketing is reaching the right audience. You put so much effort into a campaign only for it to get wasted on the wrong people. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's crazy. Yeah. It's like, hey, Santa Claus, get your bathing suit over here. Oh, my God. Hey, he doesn't need a bathing suit. He's up at the North Pole. What did I waste my time for? Yeah, and he's got elves. Exactly. They can make it. Okay, you're ruining the point I was trying to make.

Yes. Now, one of the hardest parts about B2B marketing is reaching the right audience. You put so much effort into a campaign only for it to get wasted on the wrong people. Fortunately, LinkedIn is a network of over 1 billion businessy people who might actually be interested in your business. You can target your buyers by job title, industry company, role, seniority, skills, or company revenue. So stop wasting budget on the wrong audience.

and start targeting the right professionals with LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn will give you $100 credit on your next campaign so you can try it yourself. Just go to linkedin.com slash teamcoco. That's linkedin.com slash teamcoco. Terms and conditions apply only on LinkedIn ads. ♪♪♪

It's funny because you've had one of those careers, too, where you've you popped in different things over the years. Sona, you're a we all love stepbrothers. You're a stepbrother. You're a stepbrother's fanatic. I do love it. And so the way you popped in that must have, you know, felt like one carb. I always that's the thing I remember most about that movie. Yeah.

And I know that your arc in Parks and Rec was a little strange, right? When the show started, there's a story to it. Well, I started at the end of season two. I mean, I had auditioned for the show originally, but it wasn't even really for a specific role. It was so early that Mike was still... Me and Rashida read together and blew it and was...

bummed and then Party Down came along so in a way it sort of worked out well I was able to do that because I didn't get the Parks pilot and I'm so glad I was able to do Party Down and then weirdly Mike loved Party Down and from that

asked me to come and join Park. So it all sort of came around. Now, this is the inevitable question. Did you ever get to ask Mike, hey man, what the fuck? What the fuck? I was here, remember, when I auditioned for you? That's just something that, and it's so funny because I've had, we've had this experience here on this podcast where we're talking to iconic legendary actors. And when they bring up the

the guy who snubbed them, the casting director, Harrison Ford did it on this podcast. And he was like, you know, the year was 1967. He was still like pissed about it. And he's pissed. Yeah, Jerry Tchaikovsky. Jerry Tchaikovsky. Yeah, and also, you know, famously Michael Jordan, when he was accepted into like the, you know, Basketball Hall of Fame, his speech was all a list of,

Yeah. He started listing people who, yeah, this guy benched me in fifth grade. Remember that? It's crazy. Josh Killaway. Yeah. You know, and. It's his fuel. Like that documentary. Yeah. He's constantly bringing it. It's his fuel, but it does bring up the idea of you're working with someone who. Rejected me. I had this with. I know. Wait, what are you saying? He should be pissed at Mike Schur? No, no, no. You know what? You're right. Yes. God damn it.

This is the goal of my podcast. To dig up old animosities. Here's a very well-liked

Adam is a very well-liked actor, celebrity, critically acclaimed. His wonderful family. He's happy. He's having this big moment that will keep going. And all I want to do is get him mad. No, I know. Fuck. I'm going straight to Mike's house after this. Ding dong. Hey, Adam. Bang, asshole. Boom. Boom.

Fuck you. And then we never speak again. Then later he hears the podcast. Oh, I see. Then he rings my bell. Oh, hi, Mike. Soon, just a cavalcade of people punching each other. And just lawsuits for years. Lawsuits for years. We're all tied up in the courts. I never asked him, I think because I was just 100% sure why, which was I blah,

blew the, I sucked at auditioning. I hated it. It was embarrassing. And I was just never very good at it. So I didn't walk out of there thinking I was going to get the job anyway. I had this with Ray Romano. Ray Romano, who we didn't,

He wanted to be a monologue writer for my show. Great comedian, great joke writer. We didn't have a slot, but he had a good packet and people knew him. So I met with him and sat across, he came into my office and at the time I'm like 32 years old. Do you remember him meeting you? Vaguely. And he was sitting there and he was real nervous. And I just kind of said that your stuff is great. But we didn't have an opening.

So he goes from that experience to maybe a year later getting Everybody Loves Raymond. Wow. And then becoming this monolithic TV star. Yeah. And...

I remember later on running into him and saying, asshole, I was really bummed I didn't get that job. I'm like, what are you talking about? Do you realize what we pay monologue writing? Why? Was it me? There wasn't an element. Ray, Ray, hello. Ray. Yeah. You're Ray Romano. That doesn't happen if you're with me writing. Oh, you know. You are profoundly wealthy. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Because of your greatness. You can buy and sell me 35s. I know, but I think I could have done that. Are you sure you weren't talking to Bobcat Goldthwait? No, I was talking to Cookie Monster. Ah, cookies. Anyway, you know, it's just, I don't know. I love people that just get

stuck on something like that. And I'm trying to get you stuck on it, but it didn't work out. Well, I am now. I'm obsessed. Al Pacino, too. Did he say something about that? You guys had Al Pacino. Yes. And he sat right where you're sitting and he's one of my all-time. That was a great interview. And talk about you can't believe, I couldn't believe that I'm in, you know. I mean, I bumped into him a couple of times. He'd always been very sweet to me.

knew who I was, would like call me, called me over to his table once in a while. I mean, just, I couldn't, I couldn't believe that this guy, there's, of all the space in his brain, there's one cell that knows about me. Like I couldn't, I couldn't believe it because I'm such a massive fan, but he, he was sitting here and yeah, he was very in touch with no bitterness at all, but very much in touch with the fact that, you know, Coppola,

And the studio really didn't want him. Yeah. I mean, Coppola wanted him to have the role in The Godfather, but studio didn't want him. And then for maybe half the shoot of the movie, they're...

they don't like, the studio doesn't like him. And Coppola is like, yeah, no, he's not bringing it. He's not bringing it. And tells him that. And he remembered being called over to Coppola's table at a restaurant and Coppola didn't even stand up. Yeah, he didn't ask him to sit down. Didn't ask him to sit down. And so he was very much in touch with that and still is. And I remembered him saying to me like, you know, Conan, they didn't want me. They didn't want me. And I'm like, yes. But then you did get it and you became...

The face of the- Michael Corleone. Yes. For not one, but two of the greatest films ever made. And then you go on to do all this other iconic work. Yeah. And it's like, I know, but they didn't want me. And it's just incredible. Al Pacino. Al Pacino is sweating stuff out. Just to think, I listened to his book that he was promoting here. And-

And just him talking about like scenes in the Godfather and how he finally convinced them he was right for the role from doing the scene where he shoots the two guys in the restaurant. But just thinking about at one point, there were people just like working on that scene and trying to figure out like how to do it. It's just so weird to think that there was a time.

before that scene existed and that that scene is because of some decisions that people kind of guessed at and were just figuring it out. Also, I love, and this has happened before too, I love the concept that there are crew people going, who the fuck is this guy? Yeah, I know. And when they were shooting the opening of The Godfather and it takes place at the big wedding at Marlon Brando's estate and everyone's, you know,

dancing and having fun and they cut over to Michael and Kay, he's really underplaying it. He's just...

he's just out of the army and he's explaining who people are that's luca brazzi he works for my father he takes care so what does your father do michael but um apparently those dailies came back and the the people at i guess it was paramount maybe were like who is this droopy noodle of a guy in a big army hat he's terrible yeah um and like zero charisma zero charisma and he's not being and

And the crew, the crew is like, "What's with this guy?" And apparently the other time that happened, you're a graduate. Yeah. So Dustin Hoffman is, you know, in the book, "The Graduate," the graduate is a blonde haired, blue eyed. And so they wanted like Robert Redford. That was just who it was supposed to be.

And the big brave decision was, no, it's going to be this little known actor, theater actor, Dustin Hoffman, who's not a blonde haired, blue eyed kid. And that's,

The crew and everyone is like, what the fuck? This guy's mumbling. Is this the same crew? What about your ass? No, no, no. Hey, trust me. This is the... Hey, trust me. They just didn't believe in what they were working on. This is the crew I had at late night in 93, 94, and 95. Right. Because we inherited Dave's... And I swear to God, people were... I don't blame them, but they were like... You know, they had just had David Letterman. Wait, you had Dave's...

crew? I had a third... Yeah. His cork, I had some of his camera because they stayed behind. Sure. Dave went to CBS and took some people. But there was a cork, and I don't blame them. There was like cable pullers and stuff. And David Letterman, after 11 years of reinventing the format and dominating, has now gone on to greater heights. And...

They're like, they got this new kid. Here he comes. And I come in and I'm like, hi, everybody. My name's Conan. I know...

Anyway, I like improv. We're going to try some weird stuff. I don't know. I think it's going to be okay. Hey, does anybody, what dries up acne? Does anybody know? Like I still had acne break out occasionally. And I'd be like, does anyone, because I use this stuff, is there something better? And these hard. Why are you asking that?

crew about your acne. I don't know. And these guys out to everyone asking if anyone has any recommendations. I opened the shows with it. Hi, if anyone's out there watching, it's it just keeps I think it's it might be cystic. I don't know. But that was the thing that blew my mind was the that and I didn't blame them, but there were just I mean, there were guys on my crew that had worked on Sullivan when the Beatles played there.

And I would ask them, like, what was that like? And they were guys from Long Island. Yeah. You know, and they'd say stuff like, I don't know. I was mad because it's a Sunday night. I'm not supposed to work Sunday night. And then they call me because Steve got said, I got to come in. And so I'm up in there. But it was the Beatles. It was the Beatles. And I'm like, I don't know that fucking hair. I don't know. And then I'm on the way home. And then.

The carburetor blows out. So fuck that shit. You know, and I don't get paid overtime. And you're like, that's their memory. Yeah. You're like, hey, this was a really special talk. Thank you very much. On the subject of music. I know that you have done many podcasts, music centric podcasts. You have your obsessions. R.E.M. Yeah. You love R.E.M. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm, you know, that generation that kind of grew up with that that music.

Like they got huge around 87, like with their first big hit. And I was like 14. So it was kind of perfect. Yeah.

My college girlfriend, when I was, I think, a senior, she was so cool. She knew about music. She knew bands before they broke. But I remember her being very cool and saying, yeah, R.E.M. I'm like, R.E.M.? What is that? That's a band? And kind of thinking, great, you like your niche little band that's not going anywhere. Why did she break up with you?

with you. You seemed really cool. I have no idea about anything you're talking about. I think I said to her, nothing you say is of value to me. And then she walks out on me. What's that all about? That's so weird that that didn't work. Women!

So there was something mysterious about their name and the way they looked in the music videos they weren't in. It was just all cool. Yeah. Yeah. And and to this day, a lot of great music. Yeah.

So it's, what are your bands? Your bands are R.E.M., U2. Yeah, those were like my Beatles and Stones, kind of for, I don't know, for my age group or generation or whatever. Those were the two big- I'm seeing here that you're 77 years old. 77 years old. Yeah, those were the two big ones. And they were very, now looking back, it's like, well, of course, they were both very mainstream, like arena rock bands.

And I think that's part of what I liked about it too, just sort of the grandness of it. What are you watching when you're a kid? What are the shows that mean something to you on TV? Letterman was a huge one. We didn't have, I grew up in Santa Cruz,

California, which is a little hip, kind of hippie beach town. And so we didn't have a TV in our house. I lived with my mom for, um, for a majority of the time and then went back and forth. But for while I was living there, my dad got me this little five inch black and white TV that I just kept in my room and I was just glued to it. Uh, you know, you,

without cable television, you have three, three stations. So I would just watch whatever was on from 7 PM or whenever till they

they went off the air at, what was it, 1.30 or 2 or whatever. Anyway, Letterman, you know, and Different Strokes and whatever network comedies were on. Hour-long dramas always felt like too grown up and boring until I got older. And now you go back and look at hour-long dramas when, you know, we were coming of age and they're just like pornography bad, you know? Yeah. Like...

Not only are they just weirdly bad, but they show there's so much shoe leather just because they're trying to fill up the 42 minutes. Oh, I'm obsessed with, I've had huge fights. I had a huge fight with Bill Burr who loves chips. And I went after Bill and said, chips is a piece of shit.

And he's like, what are you talking about? He's getting crazy on me about how much he loves chips and how much it meant to him. But if you watch those shows now, the editing, they'll...

I don't know if everyone's on Coke that's making them. Right. But the shots are lazy. So the whole point of the show is there's going to be this big meeting. Right. You know, and so a guy's going to pull up in his car and go talk to someone who's in another car. Yeah. The car will pull up in some big parking lot 30 feet away. The guy will get out and shut the door and walk 30 feet to the other guy. Totally. No cutting. No. No editing because they're like, yeah, we can kill some time walking from that giant bad laser.

late 70s American car to this one. That's right. That's right. Like people have no idea how lucky they are with Breaking Bad and the surprise, you know, whatever, you know, modern television. Right. We did those credit sequence things, the greatest event. So we had to go and watch like Simon and Simon episodes to find these certain scenes to get context on some of them. And like Bill Burr, like my memories of Simon and Simon are

one thing. Like it meant so much to me as a kid, but then kind of diving in and really watching, it's just a whole different thing. Like I would challenge Bill Burr to binge chips right now, like really see if he can hang in there. Well, I'm sure I'll be getting a call from him very soon.

I just saw him the other day. We had a lovely meal, and now he's going to feel like I betrayed him. But I think we are in TV's golden age. I keep saying that clearly the whole business changed, but what you're describing, and now we sound like the two old men on The Muppet Show in the balcony, but you watched what was on. Right. And you...

had an awareness sometimes this doesn't seem that good. Right. But it was all there was. Yeah. There's three networks. Yep. And also there's what can, what comes in? Meaning, what will my reception capture? Yes. Because sometimes there's a good show and you'd go to turn it on and there was the antenna. I keep moving the antenna around. Yeah, that's right. And so just this, I don't know. It was inconsistent. Some nights CBS would come in great and some nights it was just garbage. Right. And

And so now there's the other problem of I have 7,000 options. And yes, there are some very obvious choices I can make when I know there's a really good documentary out or, hey, Severance is back. I know what I'm doing. It's appointment television. But then there's

so much where people have told me, you've got to watch "GubGub Nation." And I'm like, what is it? I love "GubGub Nation." I do too. You're surrounded by people that love "GubGub Nation." And I'll be like, what's "GubGub Nation?" We're "GubGubbers." We're just from way back. "GubHeads," what's up everybody? Season one "GubHeads." Oh, fuck. Oh my God. And I'll say, what is it? And they'll be like, oh, it takes place at an advertising agency.

It's British, but you're gonna really... And then I'll watch like two episodes. Oh, you gotta hang in for seven. You do. Seven, get to seven. No, you have to. Get to seven, because that's when the gub-gubbers show up. And those gub-gubbers walk in. Lights out. Yeah, and we could like... Because now kids, it's all dependent on... They can watch whatever they want. So it just depends on their taste. Yes. What they're gonna watch. Back then, like you said...

We just watched whatever was on. And that's how we came up with our taste was by watching everything. Yeah. So it's just a completely, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind. The, I remember my, my writing partner when I came out to LA for the first time, Greg Daniels, of course, the great Greg Daniels, he and I came out here and we're both 22 years old. And there wasn't that much television. There was just, as I said, a couple of networks and,

a couple of big sitcoms and some dramas. And so you'd seen everything. There was no such thing as a show that you had never heard of because there aren't that many shows. So I remember once Greg and I are working late and I think we were over at Sunset Gower Studios, which isn't too far from where we are now. And we're these like wide-eyed 22-year-old guys right out of college. And we're working on this show called Not Necessarily the News.

But then we're also wandering around because we're like, wow, this is where they make television. And we wandered on to, oh my God, this is the set where they make Benson. Whoa. And Benson with Robert Guillaume. They were still making it? I think they were still making it. And this would be 1985. Yeah, yeah. I'm seeing an actual, this is the governor's mansion where Benson lives. Yeah.

what? That's it. And it's, all the lights are kind of down. There's a couple of lights on, but there's like cloth over things. They put the things, the sheets over the furniture. And we're wandering in and Greg and I, I mean, it's so funny now, Greg has made so much iconic TV, but I remember very clearly him being like, what?

Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And then we walk in and we get up close. Yeah. And we look and we're looking at the actual like vase and table. Yeah. And it's supposed to be a rich like governor's mansion. Yeah. And it looks like shit. It's like, because. Fake. It's all fake and it's all slapped on kind of fake gold paint. And that's a, the vase looks like it costs $2. And I remember having this revelation of, it's all a lie, man. Yeah, yeah.

Totally. Benson's mansion sucks. Yeah. What is this? You know, and then having that realization over and over and over again, whenever I was on a set and sitting down and like, this is the chair where the girls on Facts of Life sit? Wow. How much time did you get to spend on the Facts of Life set? I know, I know. I used to go over there a lot.

Hang out in the chair. That sounds so creepy. The chair. Do you know where the chair is from Sex and the Life? Where the ladies sit? All of them at the same time? There's that one scene. Which one does Mrs. Garrett sit in? Point me in the general direction.

Uh, no, but I mean, it's just so, uh, such a revelation when you got to see. Yeah. Um, and it would be, I mean, it's, it's never really changed, you know, when you're on a set. Oh yeah. The first time that I saw Letterman show, which so weirdly, but I was in college and I went to New York and saw a live taping of late night with David Letterman. That's wild. Having no idea that I would.

take over that show. That's wild. And in that studio. And that some of those crew members would be my crew members. And I'm, so I remembered sitting, being led in by NBC pages and sitting down and thinking,

what's going on? This is really small. Because on television, the perspective is widened and things look big. And realizing, wait a minute, what the fuck? Like where Dave is standing doing his monologue, he can reach over and touch, you know, Paul Schaefer. He could touch him. Whereas on TV, the way they shoot it, it doesn't look that way at all. And Studio 6A is notoriously, it's a small, it was built for radio. It wasn't built for television. Yeah.

And that's the magic of it. Yeah. Is that it's small. Yeah. So comedy rockets around the room and bounces off the walls. And it felt like there was something, it felt exclusive and small. It felt like the audience, they didn't sweeten the audience either, which I don't know if late night shows do that at all, but they- I wish we did. We never thought of that. By the way, I have a story relating to that. I'm wishing your audience was sweetened with a terrible, terrible-

I brought on your show. But as far as the Letterman show goes, there was something just as a fan that felt really, it felt like a clubhouse or something. Yes, yes. So did they find you in the audience? Did they go back ever and find you on that episode? I was sitting pretty far back and I would have to, I know one of the- Because that's incredible. I got to find that episode actually. Who was the guest? Do you remember? It's a blur. I have a memory of one,

One bit, and I'm going to really have to think about it, but a door slides open and a boxer comes out of the wall. But I bet I could figure out what the episode is. I don't think there's a shot of me in the audience. I was sitting pretty far back with my friend Maya Williams and afterwards...

Maya knew one of the writers on the show, Steve O'Donnell. Oh, yeah, Steve. And Steve brought us up to the offices. Whoa. And we're sitting in Steve O'Donnell's tiny office. And I'm sitting there with Maya talking to Steve. And Meryl Markle walks by. And a guy in a leather jacket walks by with her carrying a box. And it's Dave Letterman. Wow. He kind of just nods at us and keeps moving. And I... It was...

Well, there's no, if I was a kid, I'd say it was like the president of the United States walked by, but that no longer works. Right. That was the president. Now, I'm sorry. I don't care who's president now in this world. It would be like, oh, there's a president. It's been so demystified. Who cares? But I'll never forget. I remember the jacket he was wearing. I remembered and remembered thinking, wow, he gets to have this.

this show. And then the idea that, what is that? That's probably 1983. Yeah. The idea that 10 years later, I'm hosting that show to this day makes no sense to me. And I think was a mistake. I really do in my heart. I think it was a fucking, fucking blunder. No, I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm taking it all in. I'm whatever I'm saying. It, it's, it's a beautiful thing, but it doesn't make any sense. Um,

it's funny. I don't know that I have. I don't know that I have because I don't know. I mean, not that Dave and I talk that much only because we don't cross paths much when we do. I treasure those moments. But from his perspective, it's a story of I saw you once and you were wearing a leather jacket in a hallway. Yeah. And I had acne. Right. And I asked you, do you have anything that can clear this up? Do you have anything? Hey!

And will your crew hate me as much as I think they will? Andrew, do you want to spend your moments with Dave recalling that particular day? I think I will next time. Yeah, you should. I bet he would get a kick out of it. He might. I don't know. Or he might have me taken away by his retinue of goons. Yeah.

What was the story when you were on the bit? Oh yeah, you didn't tell us. You did a bit. What happened? Okay, so it was, this is, it ended up being. I know. Go ahead, go ahead. It ended up being one of the most deeply embarrassing moments I've

I've had. And it's also confounding to me from beginning to end why I did this. I just had this confidence in this bit and didn't really slow down to think about it before I... Okay. I was...

promoting Big Little Lies, right? The second season of Big Little Lies. And so the bit that I came up with, it's also interesting because it's so bad from so many different angles and there's nothing about it that works. Nothing. You know what I love? You so don't want to tell us what it is. I know. That you keep qualifying it. I know. And another thing you should know is that the Roman Empire...

Did not have movable tight. When I tell you the basic premise, you're gonna be like, why would you do that? Okay, so Big Little Lies, the way I saw it going is like us talking and you being like, wow, Big Little Lies, the cast is amazing. It's like, yeah, no, it's, yeah, it's all like legendary actresses. It's like the traveling Wilburys of legendary actresses, you know, it's like-

So what I had done is I thought that that saying the traveling Wilburys of actresses and equating Big Little Lies with the traveling Wilburys would be this like comedy explosion. Yeah.

It is funny that that would. Well, but then and then you start to go through, like, for example. Yeah, I Reese is like, go ahead. I had mocked up the album cover. Oh, wow. With instead of the traveling Wilburys, the actress's faces on their bodies. Yep.

and also had gone through for each traveling Wilbury and switched them out for like Reese's Bob Dylan, Shailene, you know, Nicole Kidman is George Harrison, whatever. I don't remember what it was. And you had reasons why. I had reasons why, but the

First of all, nobody under 50 knows who the fuck the traveling Wilburys are. This was immediately apparent. When I said the first line, it's like the traveling Wilburys of... It was silent. Silent. Silent. You could hear the air condenser. Literally. Yeah. But also I came to learn that those over 50 who do remember the traveling Wilburys don't give a fuck. Ha ha ha!

I may be your one demographic. Why weren't you there? I was at a Trav and Wilbur's concert. So I say it, silence, show the record cover, silence. Right. And then I start going through each member of the band. Yep, you sure did. The crazy thing is, is I was so sure that this was going to

it could create a tidal wave of comedy that you and I would just be able to surf through each member of the band that I never came up with actual jokes for each one. Right. I just had these little like, oh, she was in Days of Thunder. So she's Bob Dylan thinking it would just be so like crackly. And you and Andy would be like, oh, it would take on this life of its own. And it's like,

nuclear fission or fusion. It's just going to... Yes. Molecules are going to be bouncing off each other and the rest will take care of itself. That's right. And we'll be fine. But like you in the Letterman Theater, here we are 10 years later and look at the gold it's giving us. No, no. And this is the perfect place to discuss this because it's anatomy of a... You are not alone. I've had...

Many prominent people come up to me over the years and say, I just want to say I'm sorry. And I'll say, what? And they'll say, oh, in 1998, I came on and I tried this thing and I bombed so hard and I don't remember. Right. Yours, I remember. I woke up this, I wake up every morning thinking about it. And my wife is like, what happened? Is it the Wilburys? Right.

It's at the Amscot Wilburys bit. And I'm like, it is, it is. And she's like, you're not there anymore. It's over. It's over. You're safe. You're with me. And we get a cold cloth and we, but it was so long. And so, but what I remember about that moment is you, a lot of other people would have bailed and you clearly were like,

no, I made my bed and I'm seeing this through to the end. And I think at the end you say something like, and that is why people can look it up now, which is the beauty. But no, no, because after the show, I remember talking to Andy backstage and being like, how could I have thought that was something that was not? And we begged Andy.

you guys not to air it and i think the reaction was like oh please can we oh no of course we're not gonna air that so i don't think it it exists somewhere and i've got to find it did you help them out at all or were you just standing sitting there just watching no you did i think i tried tried i do have the reputation of trying to help i know that's why i'm asking but yeah and

At a certain point, I saw nine sharks chomping away at Adam Scott and blood just and gore filling the water. And I decided to get back on the boat. That sounds like you. Yeah. I removed my foot from the water and got into the boat.

And then, because I saw, like, he's lost too much. It's over, you know? I had no legs. Like, what are you going to do? I can't swim with you to the boat. At the end of the episode, we did cut it out, but at the end of the episode, you went from telling a good story to just being a head. That's right. Just floating like, where are you going? A head sitting on a chair. I still haven't done Roy Orbison. LAUGHTER

We never did get to Roy Orbison. Yeah. Well, you know why it's funny now? Because it's funny now because you're just, you could not, things could not be going better for you. And you're in this show where you get to, in every way,

the power you have and the range you have. And yes, they could have found someone else to do it. And I think I could have done it. That much is clear. I think that's, if you take one thing from this episode is I know how to have my face change a little bit in an elevator. I've done it before.

And they wouldn't need special effects. I can just do it. And that saves $600. Well, we don't use special effects, but fine. Yes, no, you can do it. Oh, I know you guys do something. No, I just, I couldn't be happier for you because you're just a great guy and you deserve all this. Well, it means so much. So thank you very much.

You have incredible taste, obviously, and that just means everything. Well, no, clearly, look around you. Yeah. I mean, look at these people. Gorgeous. And hilarious. Aw. I know you're a busy guy, and thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Let's break bread someday soon. And we'll get, you know what I want? I want to get Bill Burr involved. Yes. And then you and I both go at him about chips. Yes. Okay? I promise you he hasn't seen it since 1987. Yeah.

There's no way. He's just saying he loves chips. All right. Take care. All right. Thanks, everybody. The all-new Nissan Armada Pro 4X is an unshakable fortress powered by a twin-turbo V6 engine ready to propel your adventures to

to new heights. Yeah, your voice changes when you do a car act. I'm trying to become Will Arnett. Oh, okay. But I can't do it. He's like, oh, new Nissan Armada Pro 4X. No, listen, I'm going to explain this car to you because this car is fantastic. It's max 8,500 pound towing capacity, has the power to haul all your favorite toys on your next big adventure. You could steal the Statue of Liberty with this. It's incredible. Yeah.

I'm not saying do that. I'm just saying this thing, that's a lot of Holland power. Nobody gets left behind with the Armada Pro 4X's premium interior that seats up to eight passengers. That's crazy. I don't know eight people. Ha ha ha.

Going big never goes out of style. No terrain is too tough for the all-new Nissan Armada Pro 4X, the most capable Armada ever built. Built for the most rugged of terrain, the all-new Nissan Armada Pro 4X gives you freedom to explore further. ♪

This message is brought to you by BetterHelp. What are some of your relationship green flags? We often hear about the red flags we should avoid, but what if we focused more on looking for green flags in friends and partners? This is an interesting concept.

If you're not sure what they look like, therapy can help you identify green flags, actively practice them in your relationships, and embody the green flag energy yourself. So you embody it, you do it, and then your life changes. Whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, it's time to form relationships that love you back. We've all had toxic people in our lives. Sona, I think I'm a toxic person for you. Yeah, I've been trying to get rid of you for years. Yeah.

But you can fix that by sort of phasing me out of your life and looking for more green flag kind of bosses to work with. BetterHelp is fully online. It makes therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. That's very cool. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 people.

credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. And you can easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Visit betterhelp.com slash Conan to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Conan. Sona, you should do this. You should look for a better person than me. Yeah, I will. I'm so toxic. On it. ♪♪♪

Do you guys remember back in the early days of this podcast, we did a few drawing contests? I do. The ones where I won. What? I won. Did you win both? We did at least two. No, I really lost both of them. Did you? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did. Okay. Well, I went back and I found, you guys might remember this from your childhoods. I think especially you will. Do you remember these advertisements for drawing contests? Yes. Yes. They were on the back of, I think they were on the back of Matchbook.

Yeah, and comic books. And they were also, I think, TV commercials. And basically, you would draw one of these, send it in, and they would assess if you had any talent, and then you could take their trade school. It was all a scam, basically. Was it a scam? I think it was. I think it was like the Barbizon modeling schools. They'll take anybody just to get the money out of them.

There used to be these ads, speaking of scams, on the back of comic books that would say things akin to, if you clip this out and you include $1.50, we'll send you a hovercraft to your home. Or there was one that was a submarine, a working submarine. So send us $1.50. And I always was curious, do you get something in the mail? That's a good question. And what is it? And how could it be anything close to a submarine? Yeah.

I mean, I would love someone out there to find out what did you actually get in the late 60s and early 70s if you cut out the coupon that said you get a submarine. Wasn't it a kit, though? I thought it was like they send you a fan with a motor and then you have to build like an inner tube around it or something. Maybe, but still, I remember the price being absurdly low. Yeah. And the drawing was very deceptive. It showed like basically...

a German U-boat prowling the North Atlantic. So I would love to know, what did you get? I'm sure it would be very disappointing, but the fact that you got anything that might approximate

the foundation of a submarine for $1.50? Our guys are on it. Let's do this drawing contest and maybe by the end we'll have an answer. All right, what's the plan here? Okay, so you get to choose one and I'm going to give you guys five minutes in real time. It'll be edited down by the time we listen. Do we each choose a different character? I guess you should choose separately. There's Tippy who looks to be a tortoise in a turtleneck. Well, that makes sense. Turtleneck sweater. Oh, that's cute. It's just a neck sweater to him. Right.

Exactly. He just calls it, this is my sweater. This is my me sweater, my me neck, as opposed to a V-neck. And then there's a pirate, clearly. No idea why pirates always have an eye patch. That'll get worked out later on. I could tell you. Oh yeah? What's that? They always say it's because they lost an eye, but it's because they'd be below deck and they have to, when they're above deck in the sun and they have to go below deck, they

don't need time to adjust their sights. So they open their eye patch and they can see it. Very good. Very nice. Oh. That's good to know. And then there's Tiny, who is either... Now, this is a little confusing. Could be a little kitten. I think it's a mouse. It's a mouse. You're right. It's a mouse because of the ears. And he's wearing a party hat. Yeah. They have both eyes.

What? The pirates have both eyes and they're both functioning? Yes. That is crazy. Yeah, they wear the eye patch so that they can... Why are you saying this like you knew it this whole time? And also, I don't even know if that's true. I'm telling you, I heard it from a guy.

I heard it from a guy and not too long ago. Okay. All right. Somebody pick a number between one and 10. Conan. Oh, my God. Why does everything have to be complicated? Five. Sona. Six. The number was four. So, Conan, you get to pick first. Okay. Well, I guess there's no getting around it. I'm going to be the pirate. Okay. Sona, what would you like? I'll do Tippi, the turtle. Okay. All right. Mine's going to be awful. Let's get to it. Okay. All right. Let's do it. One, two, three, go.

Five minutes. We'll make it three minutes. You have three minutes. Okay. That's an abomination. Shut your stupid mouth! I can tell you're concentrating because your lips are moving. One minute has lapsed. You have two minutes left, and you're actually done. So I don't know if I got the time right on this. You're not giving us a lot of time for this. Well, that's the point. It's the pressure. Okay.

How much time do I have left? You got plenty of time. Good, because I need more time. We're going to knock a minute off. You've got 30 seconds. No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. I'm almost done. That's not it. I want it to be somewhat... Oh, yeah. This has got to be above board. No, I want it to be somewhat decent. I take some pride in my drawing. Come on.

I don't. I'm okay with it being done now. But keep in mind, it's not just technical ability. It's that certain aspect of the life. It's the je ne sais quoi. It's the je ne sais quoi. So, Sona, you could take it on just having more life. You know, Jackson Pollock, he did his paintings. It was about the experience, not the result. Yeah, he died in a drunk driving crash. Look it, Tippy's head is real flat. Matt, why are you driving?

I just didn't. I assumed it was down to them. All right, I'll get in there. No, no, no. Well, it's too late. Yeah, we're not waiting for that shit. Is there the pens I like using? Yeah. It's the pens' fault, huh? I'll sign mine. I'm obsessing. She's done. Why is everything a she? Just give me the money. Giving you a jacket. You don't deserve any more than that.

I can't believe that jacket went up. I can't believe the fire didn't recoil when it saw the fire. The fire would recoil? Nah. Let's get out of here, guys. That thing's ugly. Three, two, hold it, one. Oh, God.

All right, what do we do? We show our... Yeah, put them in the center here. And then Adam, Eduardo, Blay get to adjudicate. I think you guys should give some points for speed. Because I did mine really fast. Well, I'll just say I did mine in like a quarter of the time of anybody else. If we're doing speed. You go and you illustrate with your mom. Can we pass it to you?

Mine's also the biggest. Now, is this American Idol style where we each go through and say what we thought of each one? Yeah, but make it brief because we don't have a lot of time. Make it brief. Okay, great. Adam, do you want to start? I think the pirate is fantastic, actually. It's really accurate. Nose is maybe a bit off, but otherwise it's really pretty good. I like to improve people as I go. Pirate looks like Randy Macho Man Savage. He does! That's who I was drawing. Yeah.

A little small for my liking. Ratio to the page here. But otherwise, very well. I like that. You're a firm judge. I think this is fantastic. I think the earring is a little too prominent here. But otherwise, great. It evokes the same emotion I feel when I look at the original drawing of the pirate. Yeah.

And that isn't that what art's all about? Yeah. The turtle, Sona, that's you. I actually I love the scale. Things went awry with the eye area. But I actually like that. I think you it was it's more interpretive, which I like. Yeah. You're not just trying to do, you know, a perfect facsimile. It's a nice interpretation. And I like it. I think. Yeah. I think my true I'm like a forger.

I'm trying to pass this off, you know, as a forgery. I really like this one here. I feel like I want to color it in. Okay. So I really appreciate it. I would be proud to put this on a refrigerator, you know, so yeah.

is going your way. I know. I agree. Simple, clean lines, excellent execution. I think it's fantastic. Also, I don't know, was the pirate signed? Was there a signature on that one? No. No signature, although signature here, so the artist clearly stands behind their work. She was pride. Yeah. The artist stands behind their work. Well, also, I was copying something else. I didn't want to get the reputation of someone who steals, so I didn't want to do it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The original artist, whoever they are, it's really their work and I give it up for them. This is Mippy, my turtle. He's different than Tippy. I think you've got Tipsy, the turtle. All right. And then the mouse, um,

I would say, Matt, you get credit because you were handicapped with time. You rushed it. And considering the rush, it's really, really nice. It looks a little stretched, I would say. Like it's kind of like horizontally stretched. Yeah, it looks like it was put on a projector at a different angle. Yeah, it's true. It's just this tiny has a really large brain. Right.

But really, really good, especially considering how quickly you did it. I mean, I don't know. They're all very different. I don't know how you choose a winner. Who's the winner? He's already angling for defeat. No, no, no, not. I mean, I know who the winner should be.

I'm just impressed with how quickly you did this. Thank you. This was like 60 seconds worth of drive. Just a mouse with a hat. Yeah, I like it. It's going to get crazy. Can you believe he rendered a mouse with a hat in 60 seconds? Honestly. Now we're in the annals of man. Yeah.

Less time. Wait a minute. Effortless lines has its own kind of spin on it. So he gets points for forgetting to do the assignment. I didn't think I was going to do it. I was just giving it to you guys. I don't think that should factor in. If I enter a marathon late...

You know what I mean? And managed to get a mile in. I don't think you guys would be, whoa! But he finished! He showed up late in a cab. He finished! But I will say, it does look a little squashed. But yeah, a lot of personality here. There's not a detail missed. A lot of personality. Well, who's the...

So now you guys get to vote. Can we just leave it up to the fans to vote? I guess the fans will vote. Let's put it on social media. Why don't we put it on Instagram? Social media! Go to Team Coco Podcasts on Instagram. And are we still on the vast hellscape of Twitter X?

Let's just send people to Instagram. Let's do that. Yeah, that's good. All right, we'll see what happens. This is pretty exciting. It wouldn't be a drawing contest without Abject Hatred for the game. Oh, I did find the submarine just for... Oh, good, good, good. Let's see it. I want to see this. Look at that. $6.98. $6.98. And it's...

It says fires, rockets, and torpedoes over seven feet long, big enough for two kids. Now that's what they're showing. Now, when I was a kid, I lost my shit over this thing. I was like, wait a minute, this is incredible. And I want to know what was the company? Did anyone in America purchase this thing? And what did you in fact get? Because down on the side, they're showing people inside the cockpit of this thing. And it says over seven feet long, seats two kids,

Controls that work. Oh, wait. I think I remember what it is. Rockets and fire. Real periscope. Firing periscope. You know what this is? What? It's a manual on how to build it.

If I'm not mistaken. And there's somewhere in the fun print. You know what? We need to find out. We need to find out because this haunted my childhood. This is up there with the Uncle Sam Halloween mask. I must find out. Someone please out there, the Polaris nuclear sub for $6.98. Plus 75 cents shipping charges. Yeah. Yeah, we got to find out more about this. Okay, to be continued. All right. All right.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

We all have our own ways of getting business done. Are you an early bird powering through emails before the sun rises? Or perhaps a night owl strategizing and planning long after the office lights dim? However you run things, Atlantic Union Bank can keep up. No matter your business size or industry, you deserve a banker committed to your success. Call, visit us online, or drop by an Atlantic Union Bank branch to learn more.

Atlantic Union Bank. Any way you bank. All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers, passport. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. ♪

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply.