Andy Daly Returns
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Toyota.

Let's go places. Hi, my name is Andy Daly. Jesus, that's loud! You're a dad! Hi, my name is Andy Daly and I feel loud about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Wow, incredible. Fall is here, here they come.

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by my chums with a Z. Sona Movsesian. Hey, Sona, how are you? What's up? What's up? There's two Zs. Sona Movsesian. Sona Movsesian.

And Matt, there's no way to put a Z in your name. Okay, I guess. But you have to... Okay, that's fine. Okay, I quit. Please don't go. We'll lure him back with gold. Gold! How's everybody doing? Okay. Okay, great energy. Great show business energy. What terrific energy to start the show. We have...

we have, usually we babble a bit here at the top of the show and, um, and we have fun. It's a good time, but we can't do as much of that today because we have a treat coming at the end of the podcast. A true treat. It is a true treat. It is. I really am looking forward to it. It's something we just already recorded, but, uh, I, it, it takes a while. So I'm going to, uh, I'm going to keep things kind of brisk up top. Do you know what I'm saying? Keep it,

moving along. Keep it moving along. Keep it zipping with a Z. Oh, man. I quit again. I quit again. I quit again. The words that have an S now have Z. That's the whole thing. That's not true. All right. My God.

I'm trapped in some sort of strange hell. It's not a terrible hell, but it's not a good one either. Would this be your hell? Us just doing an intro forever? Doing a plan. For eternity? It would be my hell. And switching out S's with Z's? And then giggling about it? Yeah, that would be my hell. Anyone have some soup? Hey, that's not bad. Oh, I have some chips, but I don't need salsa. Blam. Yeah, this, that for eternity. Ugh.

And Hitler's getting raped in the next room for all eternity. And Hitler's like, I like it better over here. The whole S's and Z's thing. He can hear us. Oh, yeah. And he feels bad for us. He's getting raped repeatedly for all time. And he hears us changing S's into Z's and giggling.

And he's like, I'd sure hate to be. I wonder what they did on Earth. It must have really been bad. Look, did I? It got dark. It got real dark. How do you mean? It got real dark. He's next door. I don't know. He's in the next cave. There are different caves. It's like a big hotel.

They built they built hell quickly. And, you know, sometimes the devil's around going, you know, the sound leaks. They don't have insulation between the rooms. Yeah. And Hitler's like, you know, we're trying to torture Hitler over here. And it's it's Ted Bundy can hear right through the wall.

You know? We're shooting hot lava down Ted Bundy's mouth. But he's getting distracted because he hears Hitler getting raped. Oh, man.

The contractor walking the devil through hell. Hey, hey, hey, you know, we had to work quickly. You threw this thing together. Heaven, they really put a lot of work into it. That's quality work. But no, no, Satan needed a lot of room fast. So this is what you get. The devil's just putting up with it. All right, all right.

Enough already, enough. Goddammit. I asked you, do you want it done fast or do you want it done right? And you said, I need it now!

we have to talk about our, our guest today. Cause we gotta get moving. There's so much podcast today and stick around for the, for the end. Cause man, do I laugh like a, I laugh so hard. It's so funny. My guest today is an actor and comedian. He's, he's one of my favorite comedy people. He's a jewel. He started in the comedy central series review and he appears as Dalton Wilcox in the hilarious podcast bananas. Yeah.

Andy Daly, welcome.

Andy Daly, one of the funniest people I've encountered in my years. I'm like Johnny Appleseed. I don't plant apples. But in that way, you're not at all like Johnny Appleseed. I'm trying now in the second half of my speech to figure out how I'm like Johnny Appleseed. I have wandered this country looking for funny people. You, sir, are one of the funniest. Wow. I love it. Wait a minute.

Let me put on my glasses and see who I'm talking to. Oh, no. Oh, no, it's that? I thought it was the other Andy Daly. You thought it was Andy Dick? Yeah, exactly. Did Johnny Applesey wander the country looking for apples? No, not looking for apples. He planted apples. So I just... I started out with this whole wandering the country thing, which I haven't done that either. But let's just say... Take the compliment. That's what I'm going to do. Thank you. You're a very funny fellow, and...

You are you're ubiquitous. I mean, first of all, I first met you. You came on the late night show countless times and did all kinds of hilarious bits. It could be counted. It could be. We could count the number of times I was on. It's 15. Something like that. No, I don't know. No, you're on as a guest, of course, but you did so many funny bits over the years and

And I thought, God, this guy is very... He's just money in the bank. He's always funny. Then...

I remember coming across your monologues that had me crying. When I say monologues, I don't mean you were up there telling jokes, but you get up as a character. I forget who made me this tape. It might have been tape. It wasn't a tape. Someone gave me a wax cylinder. And it might have been Andy Richter. And I listened to them. I was driving around in my car and I was listening to you. And they were so funny.

dark, some of them quite dark. Very dark, yeah. There's one that you did where you played, you're a guy who's part of like an up with people group. Oh, uh-huh. And you show up to the audience late and then you're supposed to be a motivational speaker who's like up with people and then you tell, explain why you're late. Do you know where this is going? No. And he tells the most horrible story of his family being run off the road by bikers, assaulted,

you get away with your, barely with your life. You don't even know what's happened to your family and you get there and you explain all this in great detail. And then you go, well, anyway, let's get into it. He's like a sing along with Mitch guy. Yeah. He's there to lead sing alongs, good old fashioned sing alongs. And then after all that, just kind of, so let's do a sing along and leads the audience. Yeah. Take me out to the ballpark. After we've heard the worst story, I mean, the darkest story. So, um, you're just a, uh,

very funny. You've got an amazing comic mind and you're also a very nice fellow. And then you're one of those guys who I'm sure you get this all the time where people go, wait a minute, I know you. Yeah, because you've been in everything. You've been in Veep. You've been in Silicon Valley. You've been I mean, it's eastbound and down and

Yeah, I just had this yesterday that somebody was like, hey, I know you. Where do I know you from? And I was like, I don't know, but I am an actor. It might be. Oh, it's like, oh, it might be that. But what? Where do I? And I was like, it's difficult. I can't say the one thing, unfortunately, that you're going to go. Oh, that's where I know you from. Like, it could be Eastbound and Downer. It could be Silicon Valley. Like or one of 75 other things. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to tell him just buddy. I am DB me. Yeah. Yeah.

Look me up and I, here's my, you should have a little card you hand out that says IMDB. Um, you came on our, uh, our show once the late night show a bunch of years ago and you played this, was it a game show host? Oh, I love that. I forget what that character's name was, but the premise was that he was like, uh, uh,

on the WB lot was locked in a crate from, and he was a game show host from like the eighties or whatever. And he had hosted a bunch of different game shows and just had all these catchphrases and things rattling around in his mind. And he had, I think he had had some kind of a cerebral event, something like that. He was also covered in dust, which was, it was really funny. Cause we'd,

The conceit was we found this crate. We didn't know. And it was in a storage section of the Warner Brothers lot where we were doing our show at the time. And we popped it open. And you come right out with one of those long, thin microphones. Right. And you're like, all right, our next contestant. And you're covered in dust. Gene Rayburn special. Reed Newport. Reed Newport was his name. I wish I could remember. It was like, who's ready for a bing bong zinger? You know, just all these kind of things like, oh.

Of the variety of big bucks, no whammies. But not that. Yeah, and then we end up putting you back into the box where you were sealed up. And it's one of those, I love those conceits where I think, well, that guy can be, that box can be unopened at any time. I love to just dream that, what's his name again? Reed? Reed Newport. Reed Newport. What a great name for a- Yes. So,

So this is an opportunity for me to find out what's wrong with you. Oh, that's basically where I want to begin. Take us back to Andy Daly as a child. I don't see you tossing the old...

around. What do you mean? By football. Were you, what was, I mean, I'm guessing you, you seem to me like you're a, maybe someone who had the sponge period where you're just absorbing. Oh yeah.

What are you? Are you listening? I'm watching TV. Is it TV? Are you a TV fanatic? Yes. The TV was always on in my house. I can remember my father making the argument to my mother. And he had the numbers for how much electricity the TV uses as opposed to the dining room lights. Like we're not using any electricity by having the TV on all the time. Like that was his argument.

He just liked to have the TV on all the time. So I thought you were going to say you've been watching too much TV. So his argument was that you shouldn't be watching TV. But this was pro TV. He had thought it through, like why it made sense to always have the TV on. What a time to be alive. I never got that. No, no, I didn't either. My father prohibited TV during if there was school the next day. No TV could be watched during the day. So we, of course, were like, well, that's shit's not happening.

So my brothers and I would watch TV and then we would hear my dad's station wagon, which was a 1970 Pontiac yellow, pull up. And because of some defect in the car, it made a weird whistling sound. And we'd hear the...

And we'd be like, no! And we'd turn off the TV and everyone would grab a book. And usually it was upside down. And my dad would come into the house and the first thing he'd do is he'd rush to the TV and put his hand on the screen. And if it was slightly warm or if he got a little static shock, he was like... And we would all go scampering around with our...

upside down books so you don't grab a book grab the ice tray and just apply ice all around the tv it's gotta be a way to cool it off so anyway i love that your dad was pro tv super pro tv yeah i used to watch we used to watch abin and costello movies every sunday and i would watch it's sesame street which is hilarious burton and you're hilarious and grover and yes i think i did watch things as a

student of comedy. The way that I see my 12-year-old watches things as a student of comedy, too. Just kind of like figuring out, why is that funny? And what if I do that to my brother? And also, there's so much great comedy timing you can learn from, like you say, Sesame Street, Muppets, the

The timing is really good. For me, it was Warner Brothers cartoons. Yeah, I watched Warner Brothers too. And just figuring out the timing and different voices. It is crazy that in the 70s, when you would watch an hour of Looney Tunes cartoons, so many of them were about war bonds. They were all made in the 40s. And inside jokes were, you know, a guy who, I don't know, looks like Eddie Cantor would come in and you'd be like, what's an Eddie Cantor? Yeah.

Yeah. Or the chicken that looked like Bing Crosby. Yeah. You needed an adult in your body to go, let me explain. But I too was, I was watching a lot of those and they were made in the 40s. And then I go to my parents and go, so we got to stop Hitler, huh? Son, we took care of that. Oh, all right. Great. Did he apologize? No, no.

He shot himself. Oh, why are we talking about this? I'm seven. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But no, it's so funny. Clearly, you absorbed all this stuff. Where were you growing up, by the way? New Jersey. Okay, let's not brag. No, no, no. I mean, it's one of the most populous states in the nation, as a matter of fact, Conan. Really? That's all I can say to brag about New Jersey. But it's so small. How could it be? By volume. You know what I mean? What? For how big it is, there's a lot of people in there. It's got more people per square mile.

than any other state in the union. Oh, so it's just crowded. It's a crowded state. It's a densely populated state. Yeah, people have to step outside to change their mind. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I don't know. I guess I'm a witty guy. And 90% of it is Pine Barrens, which nobody lives in. Yeah. So how is that possible? Oh, it's because there's bodies in there. That's what it is. Yeah. It's the bodies in the Pine Barrens.

The that's something you don't mention a lot in the New Jersey Tourist Bureau. What's that? All the bodies in the Pine Barrens? Yeah, that's true. It doesn't come up. Come to the Pine Barrens. You won't not find a body. Wait, what? You described, I think, once that as a kid, you saw a production of Peter Pan that kind of changed your life because there was a moment.

in the production of Peter Pan that sort of grabbed you. Tell me about that. This was the Peter Pan with Sandy Duncan in the 70s. It was on Broadway and she would fly out over the audience. And Captain Hook was played by James Hewitt, who was Mr. Belvedere. Oh, I remember. Christopher Hewitt. Christopher, yeah, thank you. How does he know everything? Trust me. All he does is go home with his flashcards. Yeah.

It's true. Yeah, it's like WKRP, Gordon Jump! Can I just say that when that came up right now, every alarm in my head went off and said, don't do this. Don't do this. It doesn't matter. It's close enough. I know. But he had his... Captain Hook and Smee had a scene in front of the curtain. There must have been a scene change going on. And they're talking. And he just says, I'm going to get that pizza pan. And a boy in the audience said, no!

And he said, oh, yes, I will. And the place just went nuts. And that's like the. It was improv. Yes, exactly. But it's just one thing. It's like such a minor example of improv, but it just was so electrifying, so exciting. He went off script and he responded to a child. So, yeah, that's the only thing about the show I really remember. You're editing the rest of it where he goes like, oh, yes, I will. And the kid goes, fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck you.

No! You can't say fuck me! I'm a boy with one leg!

One leg, eh? Well, you'll have no legs soon, you little fucking piece of shit. Hold me back, Smee. Hold me back. Tonight's production of Peter Pan... Fuck you with a steel hook. Tonight's production of Peter Pan will be cut short. Your tickets will be refunded in the audience. Oh, no, they fucking won't. This is gold. Soon I'll be Mr. Bear.

And you can all suck my dick. Jesus Christ. I'm replacing Hervé Villages on Fantasy Island, you dickwads. The little kid's like, I just want to go home. This is awful. I could definitely see how that would be a moment where you would see it and go, what is this? That's so cool. Yeah. Yeah.

I remember I'm an older gentleman than you. And when I graduated college in 85, I desperately wanted to do improv. And the only place I thought you could do improv in the United States was in Chicago. Yeah. Second City or Improv Olympic. All I knew about was Second City. So I wrote a letter to Second City. I did that too. And it was like, dear.

sirs, you know, or madam, you know, it was just like, I would, I wish to do this improv. Uh, you know, my name is Conan O'Brien. I just completed my comedic studies at the Lampoon. And I think I'm now, and I've done some performing. I would like to join you. And of course that's not how you do it. And I just got a form letter back saying, um,

go away. And, um, and, uh, but also I couldn't go to Chicago cause I, I got a gig in LA. So I went to LA and, uh, eventually found, uh, wouldn't didn't take too long, but I found improv there, which was the groundlings theater. But years later, the upright citizens brigade, I guess, started in Chicago, UC. And, um, and then came to New York and all these brilliant people, uh,

suddenly and we were the benefactors when I say we, I mean the people that worked with me on the late night show, we were the benefactors because all these incredible performers showed up. Yeah.

who had amazing chops and I actually kind of preferred their style of improv. I thought it was really pure and great. And I know that you were a part of that. Yeah. Well, can I just say, my letter to Second City was so embarrassing because I had just graduated from college and I had read in Wired, the book about John Belushi, that he did an impression of Mayor Daley that was so popular that the audience would chant, Daley, Daley. And so I made some mention in my letter to, perhaps one day, the audience will be chanting that again. Oh,

Oh, that's sweet. And so you immediately got a job based on that quip. But I did get it. My form letter said, well, we have our annual audition coming up. You can come up here. And I somehow interpreted that as like a really like a personal invitation to come up and audition. All the indications were there that it was not. Yeah, but I did. I schedule an audition and I had no idea what was like, what's going on.

people, everybody else auditioning had been through the classes and had auditioned before and was steeped in this world. And I just showed up like, I'm here to get a job. Yeah. Did not go well. You had a suitcase with lots of stickers. St. Louis. Exactly. But no, they, they suggested that I should take classes, but I was, I was living in New York and I stayed in New York and then, yeah, it felt like Chicago came to me in 1996. UCB showed up. Yeah. And what an amazing group of people. And,

we were fortunate. I've mentioned this before, but Amy Poehler was with UCB. And so we cast her as Andy's little sister who had a crush on me. And she has like a big retainer headgear. I was in a bit of one of those bits as her boyfriend. That's right. So tell me how that worked because her thing was always that she was pining for me and she would stand up, interrupt the show. And then Andy would always have to break it to her that, you know, this isn't appropriate or something. And she would,

turn. And God, I mean, I remember Amy Poehler could take, we thought gave her good scripts and she could take whatever we gave her. Let's say we gave her a solid B or B plus script. She would turn it into an A plus, plus, plus, plus, plus. Yeah. But she would turn and she would summon the devils from the deepest bowels

of hell to rain down upon us. Well, the amazing thing about those bits too is when you do a Conan bit in those days, if you were on the stage, you could have cue cards, but if you were

an audience plant. There weren't cue cards because they didn't want the studio audience to get ahead and read with you. So you had to memorize it, which is unreasonable. But so Amy had those speeches... Memorized. Completely memorized and committed to them like 110%. And that was very instructive and inspiring to me to watch that because I had comparatively very little to say about the incredible things that she was doing. But so that bit was like...

She brought along her boyfriend to try to make you jealous. Yes, that's right. And then when it didn't work, she just, you know, throws me under the bus completely. It goes into her angry tirade. The summer of Audi means it's scenic route season. In an Audi, you can ignore the GPS and find your own adventures. Get into an Audi during the Summer of Audi sales event at your local Audi dealer and see where it takes you.

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Let's go places.

Pulling up to Mickey D's just for drinks. Oh yeah, that's me. Nothing extra, just perfection and a straw. Coming in hot for the coldest cups on the block. Because there are drinks. Then there are drinks from McDonald's. Mix things up with any size lemonade or sweet tea for $1.49. Perfect with our classic fries. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

So we also benefited by having you and then you, I think you did on my last late night show, which is three years ago today. I don't know when this airs. Really? Actually, this is never going to air. Oh. No, no, this is just, you got a very bad diagnosis. This is to cheer me up? This is like a make a wish thing? Yeah, and even you're not aware that you're ill.

That would be a better way to do it. Yeah, I know. Your wife just asked, you know. So anyway, you came on and you did something, I think, on the last show? Yeah. And I remember just stopping you. I wouldn't let you leave. I was like, ladies and gentlemen, this guy Andy Daly is the funniest person walking the earth. Yes. And I was as uncomfortable then as I am now. Oh, my God.

I don't really mean it. Oh, that helps. That's helpful. Yeah. I say that to everyone. Okay. We just had J-Lo here. I said, you are the funniest person to ever walk the earth. She just glared at me angrily.

So you do improv. And somewhere along the line, you got this conviction because when I listened to your monologues and you tell these stories, you did another one as a leprechaun. Did you do one as a leprechaun? Well, it's an Irish storyteller. He tells stories about leprechauns. He tells stories about leprechauns. And God, it's so dark, but you just go into it with such full commitment. And you never wink. You never break anything.

And it's just a testament to your just conviction that this is what I'm doing. And it is 100 percent right. Yeah. And anyone who disagrees can leave. I don't know. I love that. I think that's the way you have to go. Yeah. I always felt annoyed when the host of the show after I left would go, Andy Daly, ladies and gentlemen. I was like, no, leave them alone.

thinking it's Paddy O'Hurley. So what was the gag with Paddy O'Hurley? Because I remember it was really funny. He's an Irish storyteller who talks about leprechauns, but he gets sidetracked, doesn't he? I've changed it, but I think the one on the album is that he's won a Blarney contest. So this is like, whoever can tell the most fantastical stories about leprechauns and harpies and whatever wins the Blarney contest, and he's a wonderful storyteller. And so he tells the audience what his story...

something like, I showed up for Christmas lunch and I was full and I couldn't eat a bite. And somebody said, Paddy, why are you showing up for Christmas lunch and you can't eat a bite? And I told him, and then he weaves a whole story about leprechauns or whatever. And then he says, now, but what really happened was, and then he tells what really happened, which is like,

well, I'm a landlord and this woman didn't pay her rent for the longest time. And I says to her, you've got to pay that fucking rent. And she says, no, I don't have it. I don't have it. And I says, well, you know what I'll do then? I'm going to kill your cat and put it in a stew and eat that right in front of you. And that's what I did. I ate her cat. And then I remember him going like, he does a transitional thing where he goes like, so, I don't know what it is, like the equivalent of so anyway. I forget what it was, but it was really funny. Yeah. Like a wee.

Well... Right. Every story begins, well, it seems one day. Something like that. Really hilarious. How do people get the... How can you hear all those monologues? Are they available? Well, they're all collected on an album called Nine Sweaters. And that, I think, is on your streaming things. Yep. You can find it on your Spotify. If you really want to laugh...

These are such great monologues. They're so funny. Nine sweaters. Yeah. Find that. I'm going to re-listen to it because I'm always, I think about them every now and then I realized that I got it. No, I don't have it right. I have to listen to them again. And, yeah,

That's it. Goodbye. I'd like you to memorize them. I'm going to memorize them. Yeah. Because you guys had to memorize stuff for me all those years. Yeah, exactly. I had two cards. Yeah, right. You never ventured into the audience. Those awful people. I'm not going to go in there. Every now and then people would say, Conan, why don't you drift into the audience and talk to them? The filthy weirdos who come to this show. Yeah.

Who would come to this show if they didn't have to? Yeah.

They're just here for free sandwiches, I suppose. So I know you guys work together. You and Mr. Matt Gorley work together on many projects. You guys do a, what is it, Bananas for Bonanza? That's right, yeah. Which is basically, and you get to play a character you played on my show several times, Dalton Wilcox. Yes. Who's kind of a poet of the West. Yeah, well, he's the poet laureate of the West, as a matter of fact. Yeah.

The cowboy poet and his big fan of Bonanza. And yeah, it's a rewatch. It's like a rewatch show of Bonanza. Yeah. Except that I, Andy Daly, have no particular interest in Bonanza. Right. But the character of Dalton Wilcox really does. So I'm in this bizarre position in life where now I do a podcast about Bonanza because a character I play would.

You know what I mean? Oh. Yeah, so now we are watching every episode of Bonanza. You guys watch every episode. And there are 431 episodes of Bonanza. There's only 431, unfortunately. I know, it's too bad. And we've only got 300-some left. Yeah, we're about to do number 61, so we're racing through them.

Dark days. So a couple of questions. Has Adam left the show yet? No. Oh, no. Pernell Roberts. He's still in the show. He's still in. He doesn't leave till after season five. We did skip ahead to one episode where Haas has a run in with a bunch of leprechauns. That's true. We did. You know what's so funny? I know a lot about the show Bonanza because my brother Neil, who is a TV aficionado, especially of 50s, 60s and early 70s,

his go-to is bonanza he's watched them all wow he's watched many of them several times um and as a result because you know he's my brother i love my brother i go hang with him and i end up watching bonanza too the tone shift on that show from episode to episode is insane we have a theory about that that for a long time they were just collecting unaired pilots and tailoring them to bonanza because often a lot of the characters aren't even in it they'll just be

two brothers and a father. Well, you know, it's so funny though. It's like you'll watch an episode and it's really dark. It's like, you know, an old Confederate general who won't accept that the Civil War is over comes to town and he, you know, he captures...

you know, little Joe and whips him and keeps him in a cave and is going to kill him. And they, the other family members get them out just in time and it's harrowing. And they end up beating the guy to death who has tried to whip little Joe. And it ends and you're like, oh my God, that was rough. And then my brother, Neil would say like, let's watch the next one. And I'm like, all right. And it's like,

Little Joe and Haas, they buy a donkey. And they buy a donkey because they think the donkey has, you know, can race and can be in a race. And their dad's like, you bought a donkey. And there's comics, things like. Oh, the music throughout one of those comical episodes. And then they'll cut to the donkey and. And and it's all very silly. And you're like, oh, my God. OK. And then you watch the next one.

Adam's been kidnapped. They're cutting him with knives and sending pieces of him to the Bonanza family and telling them, you're not going to see him again. And it's just like, in the end, they find the guy who's cutting off pieces of Adam and they beat him to death. And then the next episode, then the next episode's like, I got some chickens, Paul. Yeah.

What have you two idiots done now? Paul, we bought an ostrich that can read minds. Cuckoo! Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

I got to be on this podcast. Oh, you should. You absolutely must. I definitely want to be on it. It's I, I, I'm obsessed with Bonanza. Strangely enough, Robert Altman directed eight or nine episodes of Bonanza. And so Pat Noswalt has been our guest for every one of those. He came out. That was his choice. And I'd like to come on and discuss every Robert Altman directed episode of Bonanza. You should tell them about our quest to buy a Bonanza steakhouse.

Oh, yeah. Well, so there are no Bonanza or Ponderosa steakhouses. Anymore? No, but there are none west of like Missouri or something like that. And there's only a few in the northeast. But there's a bunch.

Strangely. Oh, yeah. Dubai. And what's really weird is there are four on Staten Island and it's each corner of an intersection. They had a hard time in COVID to be fair, because it's mostly salad bar and nobody was in the mood for that. Yeah. Sneeze card didn't seem like enough. And mostly old people. Yeah.

But so we decided we were going to try to open one, and we called the guy at Fat Brands, which is like the fast food consortium that owns both of those brands. And, yeah, we were completely rejected. Well, we called him in character. We did call him in character. Oh, well, okay. I sense a problem here. You called in – so do the phone call. Hello, is this a fellow from Fat Brands? My name is Dalton Wilcox. Who? Dalton Wilcox. I'm the poet laureate of the West. Okay.

I'm a true American cowboy. Okay, I don't want to do this, sir. Well, hang on just a second before you hang up. I just want to talk to you about opening a Ponderosa Bonanza Steakhouse. We got an abandoned Pier 1 import. And we're in there anyway most days. No, please, sir.

Now we'd keep the bead curtains. I love that. I love that. I just, I... He didn't fall for it for one second. It is true. Like right from the very beginning of the call, he was like, well, you're clearly media and let me refer you to our media person. He said, you're clearly doing an improv based character. My guess is you've had Second City, but I'm going to say UCB training. This is probably for an audio medium, probably a podcast. Oh,

Uh, you also probably work as an actor on the side. Yeah, I'm not interested. We also, I think we stupidly asked him if he would consent to being recorded or something like that. So right from that point, he was like, no. But we did use the transcript and had a voice reenactor replay it on the podcast. So you can listen on the Patreon, I believe, right? Yes, but that implies that we did record him even after he said no. Oh, no, we didn't. We just did it by memory. We did it by memory. Legally, we did it by memory. Good save, says the lawyer. Yeah.

You have a dream to open up a business called Not A Problem. I'm so glad you mentioned this. Thank you. And it's K-N-O-T, a problem, not a problem. Tell us about this store. So one thing I really enjoy doing around the house is untangling things, headphones, marionette strings.

Which do you have more of? Headphones or marionettes? It's mostly marionettes. You know what? When you're working your marionette and you're using your headphones at the same time, it's a fucking mess. Forget it. And if the marionette has headphones, it doesn't even get me started. Yeah. Sometimes members of my family will wash clothes and they won't realize that they've got multiple pairs of headphones and marionettes in their pockets. And so when that comes out of the dryer, that's my day. Yeah.

To keep you on track, the business you want to open is called... Oh, I'm fully on track. Not a problem. I'm entirely on track. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm untangling this conversation. I've not left the topic at all. So, yes, I would like to open a store where people bring in their difficult-to-untangle things. And I'll just sit there and I'll untangle it for them while they wait. I'll do it while you wait. And it's a pay what you think is right kind of situation. Oh, that's nice.

What are we bringing this year? Nothing. Wow. I mean, OK, well, good for you. I think my busy season will be Christmas time. People bring out the lights, you know, the Christmas tree lights. That's going to be a huge. Are you is this something you really are good at? I think I am good at it. Yes, I am. I'm good at detangling things. Yeah. Like jewelry. Yeah.

Jewelry's a tough one. I'm not sure about jewelry. Oh, okay. I have tried that and the result is broken jewelry. But maybe you would just make that clear. My wife sometimes has like tangled jewelry and I say, I'll do it. And I take it to the garage and I use a wire cutter to cut it all apart. And then I crudely tape it back together. And when she's the least bit upset, I say, you asked for my help. I did it.

This is the fucking thanks I get. And then I drink. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of works. As long as, yeah. So I might put up an advisory, like a sign that says, well, I'm happy to try your jewelry. The result will be broken jewelry and I'll be drunk. Something like that. And angry at you.

Now, does your mind ever quiet down? I'm trying to think of Andy Daly at night trying to go to sleep. Are there characters bouncing around in your head? Are you able to quiet that mind of yours? Yeah, I do get to sleep eventually, most nights. Yeah, I listen to something boring. Like this podcast. Okay, that's just... Burn! That's a sick burn. Burn podcast.

That's a terrible thing to say. No, I'm only teasing. No, no, no. No, that came from the heart. The BBC World News is what I listen to to get to sleep. I have to hear. I have to listen to that.

And then I absorb bad news from around the world. It doesn't give you bad dreams or bad vibes? It does sometimes. But they say it in that clipped British way that's very calming. Yeah, exactly. You know, a heat dome across the globe destroying all humankind. Thousands were killed. Total Armageddon. Good night. Good night. And they leave you with a light story, usually. Oh, do they? Yeah, about a chimney sweep that got rescued.

been stuck there for 11 years. Four gobstoppers found at the tube. The balloons of a chimney sweep were found. Another unfortunate accident at the Willy Wonka factory. Uh-huh.

Augustus Gloop tells his story exclusively. Has anyone ever done a thing where Osha visits the Willy Wonka factory? I always felt like that would be it. It just seems to be like that. I mean, I don't know if someone's done that sketch, but just Osha walking around going, this chocolate river? I know that alone. There's no fencing. Yeah. There's no barricade. Well, the idea that like the chocolate river is perfectly sanitary unless someone falls into it. That's not right. That can't be. No. It's an open air facility.

Chocolate River. Right. And also, when a kid falls in it, they panic and wet themselves. Right. That goes into the chocolate. Well, they do. And who knows what the Oompa Loompa are doing in that thing after hours. Oh, yeah. Good point. What? No. They live there on premises. Don't sully the name of the Oompa Loompa.

Well, there's a lot of them. They clearly, you know. What, like orgies? Well, I'm just saying it's possible. You know, there's a lot of sugar around. You know what? Don't be a greedy little boy and go to the chocolate fountain. It would have been fine if he wasn't such a glutton. But here's the thing. Look at, I'm talking about the Gene Wilder movie. I haven't seen the Johnny Depp one, but go look at, and I know there's another one too. Oh, yeah. The Timothy Shallon.

I just, my reference is the Gene Wilder. And just look, bridges with, there's all kinds of

left and right. You go into rooms, there's gobstoppers on tables and kids are swallowing things. Yeah. It's a lawsuit left and right. I mean, that's experimental candy. Yeah. I know. Yeah. No, they also atomize people and, you know, so that happens. Okay. We do that here. We've had several kids atomized here, you know, disappear. Walk out with a child in your pocket. What?

Little TV Tom. Mike TV. Christopher Hewitt. He gets really small. TV Tom. He gets really small. TV Tom. I read an early draft of the book.

We're just talking about a lot of nothing here. But I also think we're laughing, we're enjoying, and we're communicating. Isn't that what it's all about? You keep folding your arms. Why? It's very hostile. Yeah, I want you to be intimidated. If at all possible. I was going to fight you, and now I'm not. See that? It worked. How do you feel?

How would you like me to sit? This is better. I like it when someone is open, like open heart. Okay. You got it. How long have you and Matt Gorley been working together? We started doing a podcast together in 2014. That was the Andy Daly podcast. Yeah, and then you came on Super Ego. That would have been like 2011. Uh-huh.

Yeah. That's when I first met you. So however many years that is between then and now. 13 years. Could be. So intimidated by math. 2014, whatever that could be. I guess we'll never know. Well, I don't know. It's 2024 now, so I think it's a pretty round number. Well, good luck to you. Never been done. Here's some paper. There's not a man alive who can calculate. Okay.

The distance between 2014 and 2024. Many have tried and gone mad. Gone quite insane. Wasn't there some puzzle at like CIA headquarters or something like that that you would sit and you would try to solve this puzzle? And then it turned out to have been printed wrong. There was no solution. Really? I believe so. Because Dan Brown wrote a book about that after the Da Vinci Code. All of my information is from Dan Brown books.

So you're not widely read, but you're very deeply read. If Dan Brown wrote it, you know all about it. I know all about it. Yes. Opus Dei. You know what that is. Oh, because I'm Catholic? Exactly. How were you raised? In what religious state? Yes, same. Catholic. Were you raised Catholic? Yeah, but we were allowed to stop after First Communion. Allowed to stop. Yeah.

What age are you at first? And you can stop now. Eight. When you're eight. And so right then you said, I'm out? Yeah. They were like, you can keep going to the confirmation thing, which is like at that point six years away, or you can stop. And I said, oh, that stopping sounds great. Let me stop being a Catholic. Have you been tempted by another religion? No, not at all. Oh, come on. You want to sell me on one? Yeah, sure. I think you'd be a Buddhist.

Oh, okay. Yeah. What does that entail? Just you're very calm. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, centered. Rub your belly a lot. That's not it. No, it's not it? What is it? No, belly. You don't rub your belly. No, you rub the Buddha's belly. You rub the...

I think. You don't know anything about Buddhism. When I see people with a big belly, I always just reach over and rub it. No, you can't do that. That's going to be the next me too. Because I, you know, it's going to be that I, if I see someone with a big, big old belly, I'm talking about a fella, a fella with a big old belly, I always lean over and I give it a little rub.

And I go, I'm just going to give you a, you got a big old belly. I'm going to give you a little rub, a little rub-a-dub-dub. They love it, right? No, they always get very angry. Oh, interesting. And I say, hey, Chubbs, can you take it down a notch? I don't know why they get so mad. Strange. Not a good idea. It's a bad idea? Yeah. There's probably some questions you want to ask me. I'm one of your heroes.

I don't recall him saying that. What? I don't recall him saying that. I didn't get that impression at all. I was really bummed out because I was looking at your comedy heroes here. Oh. John Belushi, Steve Martin, George Carlin, Martin Short, period. What? No, there's so many more than that. Conan O'Brien, for instance, would be on there. I'm fucked up big time coming in here. There shouldn't have been a period there. You were watching me as a child when I was on in the 50s and 60s. Sure I was. Yes, yes.

No, no, no. How old would you have been in 1993 when I come on the scene? 22 years old. Yes. I can well remember sitting around with friends and watching your show. We was that excited about a new host of 1235.

and gathered around to watch it. Did you say to yourself, I'm going to one day be his good friend? I didn't. I would never would have dreamed of it. No, but I do remember watching that first show with John Goodman and Felix, you know, Tony Randall, and saying that this show cannot be this good a second time. I really was like, it can't be that good again. We had a good...

We had a good. No, no, no, no, no. I'm serious. I was like that. That is so above and beyond what a late night comedy talk show wants to try to be like. We were unsustainable. We were swinging for the fences on the first one and actually the first couple. And then we started to get really we started to realize, oh, wait, we have to do thousands of these. I know, but I can't have like. But the idea of doing scripted sketches, scripted bits in the context of the

like people weren't really doing that quite to have somebody come in like John Glazer and all those hilarious people. And one of them was your roommate, Andy Blitz. Yeah. Andy Blitz used to be the chanting guy in the audience. He had a couple of characters. Yeah.

I don't think he was there from the very beginning. He was not there from the beginning. Andy Blitz and I went to high school together and have been friends ever since. We did comedy together in high school. And then he wrote for you for many years. Many, many years. And he hasn't changed at all. Every time I see Andy Blitz, he hasn't changed the way he dresses. He still dresses like a 22-year-old comedy writer. Even though by my calculations now he's 81. Yeah.

Again, that math, it's just about impossible. It can't be done. Math is a Bermuda Triangle. They'll never figure out how to add or subtract, really. Yeah, no, no way. Yeah, but I watched your show every single night. Until I was on it, and then I saw like, oh, once you get this close to it, it's not that great. Yeah. Also, you met the true monster. You saw Conan O'Brien, the real Conan O'Brien. That's right.

I said, listen, Daly, you're going to come through today or you're a dead man, see? No, it's so strange. I'm sure you've had this. It's like a show that you've seen on television so many times and then you're actually in it. You're there. It's really, really weird.

It's bizarre. Like the space doesn't seem at all like it seems on television. Yeah. That's kind of the magic of that studio, which I inherited from David Letterman. He did his show from, I want to say, 82 to 93 there. And we did ours,

uh, 93 to 2009. And it's a small studio. It was meant to be a little radio studio. And when Robert Smigel and I first saw it, we thought, well, no, this isn't big enough. It's gotta be bigger. And we've got to figure out ways. Cause we, and then you realize, no, everything you need to do is,

must be done in this space and limitations. It's what I always go back to. Limitations are your friend. Any kind of limit. People that think, no, no, bigger, bigger. It's got to, you know, we need an opera house. No, you don't. You just need the space that you were assigned. And if it feels like it's too small, fine.

you know, you'll, you'll figure it out. Yeah. The weird thing is that when you cut from one camera to the other camera, the distance between those two things you're seeing could be anything to the viewer. You know what I mean? Right. They don't know how far away the stage is from the desk. Turns out they're not far at all. So you're saying people that watch TV are stupid. Is that what you're saying? So dumb. Wow. Very judgmental guy. Yeah.

Absolutely. Propelled by hatred. What are you working on these days? What are you working on these days? What's, you know, I mean. Podcasting. We're doing, we're putting out a podcast every week and I have no assistance whatsoever with all the minutiae of

of it. Yeah, this guy does it all. I do it all. He runs the whole Patreon, everything. And I love it. He does all the research for all the actors on every episode and he comes with all these notes. It's amazing. Yes, I do it. Every piece of it. I want to come on the podcast because I think you'll be disturbed by how much I know about Bonanza. I'm already a little bit. And you'll be concerned. Frankly disappointing. You'll be concerned.

It's not my doing. It's my brother, Neil, who to this day will, whenever he's watching Bonanza, will take a picture of the screen and send it to my phone. And instead of him saying, oh, yeah, I'm here. I'm here with dad. He's doing well. It's no, it's a picture of Bruce Dern. Oh, yeah. You know, yelling at one of the cartwrights. Exciting people pop up on episodes of Bonanza. It's wild. Sounds like we should have your brother on. I know.

No, you should have me. I was thinking the same thing. Maybe we could get Neil to do it. That would be fantastic. The other thing that's everyone's, I mean, noticed this before, but whenever on Bonanza, whenever one of the three sons takes a fancy to a woman and they're going to get married,

you know that she will be dead in 40 minutes. Yes, yes. Because it's like Gilligan's Island, you can't leave the island is the premise of the show. And the other premise is none of these guys can successfully get married. If there's a woman in the show, that's the first thing. If there's a woman, yeah. And then if there is, she's a dead woman. But if there is, she's a dead woman. It's funny how often there are episodes where it's like, there wasn't even a woman in the background. Not even a mention of a woman. Nowhere in town. No, no.

Yeah. But the other thing, too, a recurring thing on the show is that there'll be somebody who is one of the characters' best friend. Yes. Like, this guy, oh, I've known him forever. He's my best. You've never seen him before. You'll never see him again. Yeah. Never heard tell of him before. Never heard tell of him before. No. Also, and I know we're going down a little rabbit hole here about the show Bonanza, and if you haven't watched the show Bonanza...

This is a total waste of your time. But it was on for 14 years. Yeah. It started in 1959. I believe it went off the air in 73 or 74. But anyway, we'll never be able to calculate. 73. Yeah. Ah.

My brother, Neil, might make an argument that they shot one that aired in 74. That might be his. He might. They had some TV movies. Don't talk back to me. Thank you. And if you want to speak, you raise a closed fist and then I have to nod. Really? We have all kinds of codes here. We should have told you that before. Yeah. I don't know why we're bringing up the rules now. Yeah.

If you have a question, you do this. Little wiggle of the... Well, I have no question. Okay. I can see that because you're not doing this. Because you're a rule follower. I know that. Wait. There was some point I was going to make about Bonanza and it was a good one. I think it's okay. No! No, no. Oh.

God damn it. Do I remember it? Don't you think we should just wait until I remember it, but then even not edit this? So this is just time? We're good, right? It's okay. Yeah, we're probably good. No, we're probably good. Oh, this is the point I was going to make. The whole point is that they own the biggest piece of land, right? Which state is it? Are they in Nevada? They're in the Nevada territory. But,

All these shows that were predicated on, and it's the same thing I would say with Yellowstone today. The show Yellowstone is all about how this one family owns 8 billion acres. And Bonanza, it's all about they own half of the land.

Yeah. It takes multiple days to traverse their property. To traverse their property. And it's a guy with three sons who occasionally date and their girlfriends get killed. That's it. And the same thing with the other show was The Big Valley. It was about a family, the Barclays, that had, you know, so a lot of these shows, and I say it's still happening today because I've noticed it with Yellowstone. I sit there and I question the,

the premise of owning that much land. And in Bonanza especially because the more the show goes on, the more you realize they're kind of like a mob family where they're taking from people and they seem really nice on the surface, but over time you realize that, yeah, they're just kind of usurped this land. But also people are...

Every other episode is someone of, and not just that Western, but every other episode of Yellowstone, every episode, so many of the episodes around these Westerns, it's almost a genre of guy shows up, claims half the state is his land and builds a big fence. And then people ride through and half the episodes are people going,

How come you have all this? This is too much. Get out of here. We're the Bonanza gang. Get out. It's important to mention, too, that Ben Cartwright, the father, each son is from a different wife and they've all died. And it seems really kind of mysterious about how they died, too. Like maybe. Yes. This man has buried three wives. Yeah. Was this a good show? I don't know.

I don't think so. There are good episodes. It's pretty inconsistent. I will say this. It was a massive hit. Yeah. It was one of the most successful shows of its era. And it was the dominant show for so many years that I once watched an episode of a sitcom that was made in the mid-60s. And as a joke, they said, hey, our show is moving to so-and-so. Yeah, who are we opposite? Bonanza. And all the cast members go, ugh. Like...

It was the biggest thing of its day. The Smothers Brothers finally took them out of the top spot. Did you know that? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, it was the Smothers Brothers. Yeah, they rode into that property with their guitar and their upright bass. Yeah, and their hippie politics. With their hippie politics, their anti-Vietnam War stance, and their niche comedy, and they kicked the shit out of it.

That family. No, but it's just funny to me. How are you supposed to root for? Should three people own half of a state? I don't think they should. Myself. No, I'm not a communist. But they're reasonable. They'll give you a couple days to ride out. I love that we've talked this much about Bonanza. Yeah.

This episode will single-handedly take down Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Oh, thank God. But we have a real boost to Bonanza. Yeah, no kidding. We have avid listeners of our podcast, by the way, who have never watched an episode of Bonanza. Yes, that's true. Seems like almost all of them. Can you watch them now? Somehow they're on YouTube. I don't know why. Oh, okay. All of them? Oh, no, but also I think you can on television. Oh, yeah, there's some channels. There's plenty of places that show Bonanza. Oh, okay.

Yeah. It's just always playing somewhere. It's one of those shows that's always playing somewhere. The show is owned by some lawyer in New Jersey. Is that right? Very strange. Yeah. I don't know why, but he owns the show. That should have him on sometime. Wow. It's very strange. Well, listen, this has been our deep dive into the show Bonanza. Yeah. 1959 to, well, we'll say 73. Yeah.

I think there was, Neil, we're going to get him on the phone at some point and he might be able to clarify for us. I think they aired one. No need. It really was. 59 to 73. You're not to speak until I tell you. Listen, one rule I have here is you can't contradict me. If I lay out a fact, you just have to agree. Oh, okay. Okay. That's hard for me. I love nothing more than an argument. Okay.

You seem so confrontational. Yes, that's me. That's all I got. I love talking to you. You're a goofy, foolish man. You are an imp.

Oh, you are. He is. He's just your delightful, delightful comedy sprite. I'm going to say that right now. And I'm sure you have equally five nine. OK, I'm tiny. You know, I love you, Andy. You're just a tiny, tiny little average pocket. But no, I'm just my average height for a man. I don't think or sprite are appropriate. I picture small things when you say that.

You're a little comedic doll. A ventriloquist dummy that shrank in the wash. Got even smaller than most ventriloquist dummies. You bring me great joy. You always have. And thank you so much for hanging with me today. Thank you. I really enjoyed it. That was so fake. The way you hit the U was so... I'll try to say it more...

Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to try to say it like I mean it. Thank you. You have to ramp into it. Okay. I'm doing the Irish guy. Oh, thank you. I can't sincerely thank somebody for anything. I can't thank me. Can you? I can't. All I've done for you to try to. Yes. I'm going to try to channel some gratitude. Okay.

Coffee was free. I'm trying to remember that. Thank you. That was good. That approached humanity. That was great. You're an AI person. That took a lot out of me. I'm going to have to lie down. Well done. You're now a real boy. Thank you, Andy Daly. You magical man. Thank you. Thank you.

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Well, it's a nice, fun surprise. My old pal of over 75 years, Andy Richter, just wandered by and we grabbed him and pulled him into the studio. Andy, how are you? I'm good. I was here stealing chips. Were you in the kitchen? No, but I do actually, I have a four-year-old and I steal chips and put them in the console of my car. So when I pick her up, she's now... That's brilliant. When I pick her up, then I've got...

You know, like some pop chips or whatever to give her. And now when I don't have them, she's pissed. Yeah. She's pissed. You've created the expectation. We have a nice kitchen here at the Team Coco. A beautiful kitchen. Beautiful kitchen. And Erica Brown keeps it stocked with these nice chips. I, once a month, we have to go over the books and they told me that we've been hemorrhaging. Yeah.

It's hemorrhaging money, and we isolated it. Yep. There's been a chip loss. Mostly Air Pops chips. Come and get me, screws.

I love that you're stealing chips. Now, do you put them under your... Do you just do it openly? Or have you ever found yourself being kind of furtive about it? Oh, if anybody walks by, I say, I'm stealing these. And then... And then I put them in the... You know, I have... It's like I have this console. And I have... My car is such like a mom car. Like I have... I have...

a spoon and a fork i have a sewing kit i have band-aids i have uh benadryl and uh you know i have sure i have all and gum and mints and just all kinds of soccer bar now yeah i really am i mean and it and it it's it's like my purse you know it's like it's like mom's purse but it's the console of my car

Well, I'm so happy you came by because, A, we had a chip buildup, so we needed to leech some of them off. I only take the ones that are not good. A four-year-old will be like, yeah, it's better than nothing. Like, you're fucking right, you guys. Things like zesty ranch peacocks and shit like that. Yeah, there's a lot of healthy...

Chip. I think either eat a chip or don't. Right. But whenever they say, no, it's made of soy, it's barbecue soy puff shit. I think Sun Chips are like the snack industry's biggest fuck you to America. Sun Chips. They're just, it's like, because they can't be good for you, but they're purportedly like, they taste bad.

cardboardy and weedy enough that you're like, well, this can't be bad for me. But no, they're probably just about as bad as ladies' chips. But also, Sun Chips makes me think they were made by the sun. Yes, exactly. They were baked in the sun. So bugs landed on them. Well, I'm glad you're here, Andy, because...

A gentleman has wandered into the studio. Yes. You know, we need better security here. And I'm told his name is August Lint, but I don't really know anything about him. And I thought maybe you could help me find out more about this fellow. Is it August Lint? Yeah, that's right. You got it right on the first try. See, I was guessing because...

You don't see a lot of lederhosen in this neighborhood. Also, in this weather, it's like 90 degrees. It's hot. Yeah, but it's great because they're nice and short. Okay. Those are good. They're a little too short. Yeah, a little too short. Yeah, yeah, because I can tell your religion. Oh, stop it. That's not possible.

It's not possible. I think you must be teasing me. But yeah, these are short later, Alson. August, are you from Bavaria? Are you from Germany? Where are you from? These are great questions. I'm from Dusseldorf, Germany. Okay. And what do you do, sir? I work, I'm a salt inspector in the Schmeiderberg pretzel factory.

You inspect salt? Yes, I'm the junior. Actually, now I'm the junior and the senior salt inspector. And what I do is the salt comes down the belt and I decide, yeah, this is good enough for a pretzel. This is not good enough for a pretzel. This is too good for a pretzel. LAUGHTER

And that's my job. I do it all day long. What happens to the salt that's too good for a pretzel? That goes to like a sea salt chocolate or something like that. Oh, I see. I see. Something really fancy like that. Now, Andy, are you familiar with Dusseldorf? Because you have German roots. I do. I've never been to Dusseldorf. In fact, the only time I've been to Germany at all was with you. Yeah, we did a travel show there. Yeah, we did a travel show in Berlin. And one of my favorite segments of all time is us doing these Schuplattler events. Yeah, speaking German.

Of later hosing. It was one of the funniest. I'm not supposed to say that about something I'm involved in, but damn it. It was one of the funniest things I've ever just heard about now. Now, August, let's get attention back to you because that seems to be what you want. Exactly. So difficult. How did you get this job as the pretzel salt inspector?

Oh, well, they had auditions. Not job interviews. It was like a real high-pressure audition. It was... We had... Hasselhoff was there. Oh. As part of the panel, of course. Sure. And...

Oh, he was one of the judges. Yeah, there was a panel of judges and then it was like, let's see your salt inspecting. And because the trick of it is like, they really don't want you to judge the salt by taste because, you know what I mean? Then it's going to go on a pretzel. Yeah. It should not first be in your mouth. Right. That's unsanitary. Exactly. So you have to show that you can look at it and judge it that way. I don't know why you laughed there. That's not funny. It's just you describing your job. So, you know. I want to know, like,

Is your inspecting only before the pretzel is applied to the pretzel? Like what about the salt? What about after the salt's been applied to the pretzel? Is there an inspection process after that? Because I can imagine that that amount has to be very precise. That's a whole different department. They don't let me get anywhere near the finished pretzel.

Why? Because I'm not skilled enough. I don't have the skills. To be honest with you, August, it sounds like maybe there was an incident. Sometimes I will go over to the other side of the building where the finished pretzels are. Yeah. And I think I'm touching too many of them and not in the right respectful way. Well, why were you over there?

Wasn't it made clear to you that you're not supposed to go to where the finished pretzels are? Maybe there's a woman there that I can't get enough of. Oh, really? Who is she? Tell us about her. What's her name? Her name is Gertrude. Wait a minute.

Is it Gertrude or Gertrude? It's Gertrude. Oh, my God. And I can't get enough of just watching her. Okay, so does she return your affections? No, I wouldn't say that. But her...

She has asked me in writing to stop leaving us alone. Okay, well, that's an important thing because here in this country, and I hope globally, there's more of a movement that if women don't want your attention, they say that and you go away. Absolutely. Yes. But only sometimes I will go over and just to watch her. Okay, well, that's...

That's not good. What is her job? What does she do? Like, what are you watching her do? She takes... Okay, you can't believe it. She takes a cart full of pretzels, finished pretzels, and she wheels them from that machine over to the bagging machine. Right. So she's just wheeling pretzels. Yeah, all day long. But...

Do you like, is she dressed in a provocative way? She's got, it's like a, you know, like a hazmat suit type of thing. Oh, well, this doesn't sound... It's no, but you have to see the way she wears it. Nobody wears a hazmat suit like Gord Rort. Okay. I want to know why they don't just have a belt. Yeah. A conveyor belt that takes the pretzels...

Yeah, why does... That's a standard thing in most backyards. Yeah, why does Gortrude have to take this pretzel over to where it's bad? You'd think there'd be a machine. Are you okay, August? I'm fine. Yeah, no, it's nepotism. Okay.

So you think Gortrude's related to someone at the factory? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Her name is Gortrude Schmeiderberg. She's part of the Schmeiderberg family. She's one of the Schmeiderbergs. I hate that. So let me just ask you something, and this is very important to me. What do you think of these American pretzels? When you come to our shores and you taste...

our pretzels, you know, that you buy at a supermarket. What do you think? I don't want to be like, what's the word, pedantic or something like that. But there's literally no pretzels in the United States. You know what I mean? Like, those are not pretzels. No, they're not. What are you talking about? That's not a pretzel. I often, I'll, my wife will buy a bag of pretzels and we'll eat them up. You call them that, but that's, it doesn't qualify as a pretzel because it's not made in the right way. I have toured your pretzel factories.

There are no dedicated salt inspectors. There is nobody to wield the pretzels to the bagging area. They are not made to the standards of a high quality German pretzel. Okay, I think you're... I'm sorry. I think you're being a little bit of a snob here. A little bit? I'm trying to be 100% of a snob in favor of pretzels, man. Hey, don't get all hippie on me. What is that, man?

Are they hard pretzels or soft pretzels that you guys make? Well, they start out and eat soft, and then you cook them and they become hard. Okay. That's how the process works. See, I just can't believe that there's that big of a difference between, say, like a Snyder's Pennsylvania Dutch pretzel. And then a Schneider, or Schmiedeburg. Schmiedeburg, whatever. You can't believe? Does that make of a difference? I can't. Yeah, I mean, a grain of salt's a grain of salt. Oh, my God.

All right. What are you talking about? All right. I'm sorry. You have to consider the size and the shape and the opacity. And do you wear... Is it like a diamond? Yeah. Here's my question. Do you use any kind of small tool like a tweezer? Of course. I have tweezers of various different sizes to pick up and inspect the salt. And I got one of them things that a jeweler wears. A jeweler's lute. A lute. Yeah, yeah. We don't call it that in Germany. What do you call it? There's no word for it. We just...

We just call it that thing that a jeweler puts on his glasses. Wow, wow. That's convenient for you right now. It sure is, yeah. Sometimes it's just a word. It's a limiting language. Yeah, really. We don't put a piece of salt on a pretzel unless it's like a 14-carat piece of salt.

You know what? Cut clarity and carrot. August, I don't mean to offend you, but I just always assumed that there was a machine that just spat a whole bunch of salt onto a pretzel. Oh, you don't mean to offend me? I'm sorry. That's the way I think it's done in your stupid country, in your Pennsylvania Dutch place.

But at Schmeiderberg pretzels, a man does the spitting out of the salt. Okay. With precision and care and training for years. And Hasselhoff approved. Okay. Well, listen, I'm going to have to wrap it up with you, August. I want to say this. I always admire people, and I think you'll agree, Andy, people that are dedicated to what they do and take it seriously. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Even as silly as it is, it's important. Sometimes people have silly jobs. No, no, I mean, it's silly and I don't know. It just feels like what you're doing is probably not making a difference and you would be easily replaced by a hose or something. But at the same time...

Can I just tell you? I know you're trying to wrap it up, but they did try to replace me with a hose and it didn't go good. Oh, it didn't go good? No. How not good did it go? It was a disaster. Well, what happened? There was salt all over the place. You can't put salt through a hose. Oh, I didn't know.

I didn't know. Were you there when it went wrong so that you could... No! I had been fired, okay? And I was at the bottom of a bottle. And then I got a phone call... ...telling me...

The hose was a bust. Please come back. Okay. And did you have kind of an attitude when you came back? Of course I did, and I have to this day. Yeah. Like, oh, I hope your hose, you know... Yeah. All the time I'll say, well, okay, you can always ask the hose again. Ha!

Stop like that. You know, a hose doesn't go stare at Gertrude either. Yeah, that's true. It's Gortrude. Gortrude, I'm sorry. Gortrude, my friend. All right, well, August, I know that, and I say this with great sarcasm, that you're a busy man.

But I've only got seven months vacation this year. Oh, Europe, they know how to do it. Socialism. Thank you, August. And Andy, we got to do more of this. This is a real treat. Sure, thank you. This is great. I saw that you guys were having fun in here and I wasn't. Well, you were busy stealing. No.

That's right. While you were shouting, yeah, I'm stealing this. I was. All right. Bye-bye, everybody. Goodbye. Bye.

Take it away, Jimmy. Take it away, Jimmy.

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