I Hate Richmond
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Hey, Stephanie, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi, how are you? How are you, Stephanie? Great. This is funny. So weird. Absolutely nothing funny has happened so far. So you have a very low bar for funny. I do. It's been a tough week. So I'll tell you, yes, the lowest of bars. Oh, I'm sorry. It's been a tough week. Anything the matter or?

No, my kids have just been home from daycare with the flu. Oh, OK. And when they get. Yes. Yeah. It's tough when their kids are around and you don't really love them. I know. I know I had agency in that decision, but I didn't think I'd have to be around them all the time. It's tough. It's tough. Even when you adore your children, it's tough when they're constantly around.

It's more of the job, but yeah. We're getting a little, I'm just going to check in a little bit. Is that a little bit of feedback? Feedback? Would that be, let's just do a quick test. Stephanie, let's do a quick back and forth. How are you? How you doing? Great. Love and life. How are you? What's your astrological sign? Capricorn, Leo, rising Gemini moon.

Oh, Jesus Christ. She was ready. I don't understand. Yeah, I'm a real scientist, though, too. I thought, wait a minute. I thought people just gave one answer when they gave their astrological sign. Yeah, but that's not the whole picture. All right. Well, okay. I'm just an Aries. I'm not an Aries. There's no moon rising. There's no ram jumping in a hole. You do have it. You just might not know it. There is. You just don't know it. No, but I've looked into it. Just Aries. Stephanie, tell us about your life.

Tell us a little bit about yourself. You're coming to me. They say you're from, are you in central Virginia? Yeah, I'm in Richmond. Do you want me to hit record? Are we supposed to be in back? No, no, no. You don't have to hit record. We can proceed just like this. Thanks for asking. Yeah. Okay, perfect. Yeah, I'm in Richmond, Virginia. Okay. Why'd you make, you went like, uh, Richmond, Virginia. So disgusted? Yeah, I mean, Virginia's a beautiful state. Yeah, it is. I'm not from here. I miss them.

Wow. So you don't work for the tourism board, do you? I don't. I do not. They should not have me. I will complain about the bugs and the humidity and the heat and their inability to deal with snow and all of that. OK, well, I'm going to move on to more pleasant topics, though, than the fact that you hate living in Richmond, Virginia. People know it. What do you. Yeah, it's that T-shirt you wear. I hate Richmond. Yeah, they know.

They say Virginia's for lovers, and yet they have a hater living right in the center. Stephanie... In the capital. You... I see here that you're a geography professor. Is that correct? That is fully correct, yeah. Okay. This is not a police interview. You're allowed to elaborate. Yes, I am a geography professor. That is my job. Okay, and how did you get into that? I mean, how does one become a geography professor? Yeah, it's a... I, um...

As an undergrad, I checked off a box that said I had to travel so that I...

got into this geology program and that's not geography. Geology is rocks. Geography is people and places. You're talking to me like I'm an idiot. That's what you're doing. People know. Do you know? Yes, I know the difference between geology and geography. Well, I know, but it's more than maps. The listeners might not all know. If you're a listener right now and you don't know that geology is rocks.

Never listen to this podcast again. You are banished. And that includes you, David, because you seem genuinely confused. So, Stephanie, you studied geology and then you said, you know what? I'm going to move into geography. Geography.

So what is it you do now? What is it you're studying? Yeah, I study a lot of different things, but I mainly use satellite data to understand changes in the landscape. So one of the things I, yeah, I can feel like I'm lecturing. One of the things I study is how climate change is affecting the timing of fall foliage in Maine, because I love Maine.

Another thing I study is how deforestation in Brazil is affecting the regional climate there. I think about that in the southwestern Amazon. I do stuff locally in central Virginia that I love. I use drones to help map historically Black cemeteries that haven't been funded.

First of all, I'm going to cut you off and say this is all very cool stuff and very valuable stuff. This is important work. You know, it's forefront in our minds now, obviously. I mean, climate change has been for a long time, but we live here in Los Angeles and we're seeing the effects of terrible effects of 100 mile an hour Santa Ana's and a lot of homes lost in a backfire.

a bad fire and we're wondering, clearly things are changing and I think everyone's, almost everybody, I shouldn't say everybody, but I think almost everybody is slowly getting to the reality that there is climate change. What advice do you have for, for example, there's just so much anxiety about it. My wife has anxiety about it. I have two children that have anxiety about it. And

I sometimes want to be the voice of things will be okay. We'll figure this out. But then I sound like, you know, very Pollyanna. I can sound like a moron. What's your take on this? Is there a way that we can be positive or talk to people about who are anxious on this subject? Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's okay to be anxious about it. I think it's kind of crazy if you're not anxious about it because it's very real. But I also have a two and a four year olds and I that was like an act of radical hope in society that we would kind of figure this out. I think just getting outside and breathing and taking a walk and connecting with nature. That's what I do if I'm getting overwhelmed. I think you can be overwhelmed, but you can't let it you can't let it take over you. Right. And you find you just like.

find faith in your community. Like you find what you can do, maybe eat one less burger a week, but I'm not saying become a vegetarian or a vegan. Don't go vegan. You don't have to do that. It's not that good for the environment. If you just eat a little bit less meat, feel better about it. You can take one less flight a year, but honestly, just like being okay with being upset, allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Cause you're kind of, it would, to me, I think we all should be feeling our feelings a little more. Yeah. That's, that's very good advice.

That's very good advice. And then just getting outside. I should tell you I drive a 12-cylinder car. Sure. And I eat seven burgers a day. All your private flights. I took a private... That's not probably great for your arteries. Oh, terrible. They keep trying to get me to stop, but I can't hear them over the revving of my 12-cylinder...

And it runs on rainforest wood that just I... Oh my God, the mahogany is, yeah, I mean, it's the best wood. No, I'm trying in my small ways to do my part. It can all feel so overwhelming. Yes. And I...

I also, my son gets really mad when I say this because my son's a very, he's into STEM and science tech and all that. And he, and I'll say to him, look, we all, we humans have to change their behavior, but I'm also hoping that science comes up with some answers. And he gets mad that I'm just putting it off on science. Like, don't worry, science will fix it because that can sound, I think, irresponsible. But I do think that,

science is going to have to come into the equation because I have my doubts that China, India, the United States, Russia, and I'm including us, trust me, are all going to say, you know what? We got to change our ways. Yes, I agree. I think it's not worth it feeling guilty because you're not Exxon, you're not the US, you're not BP, you're not the people who lied to...

people for centuries about what harm this would do. So it's not worth feeling guilty. But I think you can look for the good stories. A negative headline gets 10 more clicks than a positive one. So people are always going to write negative headlines. There are some really cool climate resiliency things going on. Some cities are planting more trees. Trees are really great for cooling down cities. L.A., I think, painted some pavements white for a while because, like,

Dark surfaces trap a lot of heat. There are small scale changes that a lot of cities in the U.S. in particular are making. And yeah, I think it's going to be a mix of science and everyone realizing that

These disasters that we keep having cost so much money. So it actually be cheaper if we start actually investing in climate change solutions and resilience. I think insurance companies in L.A. are going to start investing in climate change technology because, you know, and you're going to see. I mean, unfortunately, at a certain point, it takes.

I hate to say it, but it does. Once you start hurting big businesses' pocketbook, that's when they pay attention and they see religion. I know. I'm so sorry. This is the most depressing conversation you've probably ever had. No. First of all, no. I just talked to my staff 10 minutes ago. And...

That was much more depressing. Real downer. Yeah, real downer. They're just not fun people. Yeah, we had a quick meeting where I encouraged them to tell me how they really felt about me. And that went terribly. We're never doing that again.

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Stephanie, I know how to brighten this up. Yeah. I'm going to do it right now. Um, I, uh, I, I take to heart what you said and, and you shouldn't be, be self-conscious because I want these discussions. Yes. It's nice when they're fun, but it's also heartening to talk to people who are out there dealing with the real problems in the world. So don't feel badly about that. Okay. And, um, I won't feel badly about my job. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. If you want to feel badly about something, feel badly about, um,

Thinking that I didn't understand the difference between geology and geography. I just think we don't have geography in many schools. So I just am used to it's a battle I've been fighting for years. Do you feel that people have lost touch with the outside world, that we're all on our screens, that we've lost touch with nature?

I think everyone should just get out more and breathe more oxygen and stop looking at your phones more. Yeah. I mean, as a, it's, it's weird. There was an onion headland like 15 years ago that was like humans look at glowing rectangles all day. And I was like, Oh, it's only got worse. Yeah. I think everyone should just talk to more people and go outside and look at a tree and be like, wow, how long has that tree been there? Longer than I have. I have an, I have an app on my phone called nature and I just click it. It shows me pictures of nature. Yeah.

And it calms me. And then, you know, every 15 seconds there's an ad. Usually for a porn site. Um...

And then the porn sites are great. And sometimes they're... And I'll be honest with you, Stephanie, sometimes they're outside. What if you take your phone and you watch your porn outside, though? Does that work? That's fine, too, but I'm just encouraging more outdoor porn. It's always in an indoor facility in the valley, and I'm thinking there should be more porn that's shot outside. What's wrong with that? And I think it's because of splinters. I think that's the big thing that's getting in the way. People are like, you know...

I'm going to get hurt, splinter, if I get in that position on top of that redwood. So my point is, and I don't really think I have a point. I just say that sometimes when I don't know where I'm going. Stephanie...

I think you're right. We got to get outside and we got to also know what nature is. I think, I mean, there are people that don't know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. They don't know that, you know, they don't know how a tree grows. You know, they don't know what's edible. Like sometimes I just go outside and I just start eating stuff. Yeah.

berries and things to educate myself about what's edible and what's not. Now, the problem is I don't record it. I don't write anything down. I just start stuffing berries and leaves into my mouth. And then I have a very powerful diarrhea, sometimes violent vomiting. And so that's a mistake. I think I'm probably going at it the wrong way. You're employing the scientific method on your own. Yeah, but I'm not recording. A big part of the scientific method is record the data. I don't do that. That's true.

Every time I go to the emergency room, they say, what did you eat? And I say, I don't know. I don't know. Something. And then they, you know. Yeah, but they usually do a biopsy on what's in my stomach and find out that. Oh. You ate a piece of a fire hydrant. Yeah, a lot of people don't.

A lot of people don't know why we have seasons. That's the question that my students get wrong all of the time. Why we have seasons? Why we have seasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you explain to us why we have seasons? I know, but I want to make sure that you went to Harvard. Why do we have seasons? I did not go to Harvard College. I went to Harvard Driving School. And I was asked to leave because I couldn't parallel park.

That's a common misapprehension. Well, I mean, the tilt of the earth has a lot to do with it. Yeah. Nice job. Okay, great. A lot of people think distance from the sun and that's not, we're actually closer to the sun during the winter. Yeah. But of course the angle of the earth tilts us farther away from the sun. Uh, but you know, I don't like to brag about my own knowledge. I'm so proud. So proud of me for knowing that the earth tilts every now and then. And then I know what a rock is.

Stephanie. And a tree maybe sometimes. My bar is low. I don't know. No, you seem fine. And your life, you said you have kids? Yes.

I have two kids. I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, and they're pretty feral. And my oldest is a budding mycologist. He loves mushrooms. We always go mushroom hunting. But he has a book, and he does record what we—and he doesn't eat it. We don't let him eat the mushrooms. Oh, the responsible parent. That's great. He's four years old, and he's learning the difference between, you know, the safe and the dangerous mushrooms?

Yeah, we have like a little Mushroom fan club book. He's really into Mushroom. He's got a Mushroom fan club book? Listen, he's going to be bullied. You know that, right? I know. You're not the first person. No, no, no. But I just want to make sure that he learns self-defense.

Because David here was in a mushroom fan club. Things did not go well for me. No, no, no. They were constantly smashing his glasses. Yeah, it was awful. Yeah, and then he came to work for me and I smashed his glasses. Yeah. But I think it's great. I applaud young people being passionate about knowledge. And I think that's a great thing. I think that's really cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he gets outside. We make sure we get our kids outside. Yeah. And who's we? Who's your partner? My my husband, Chris, who's a delight. OK, I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. No, he's the best. He's actually. OK, because when my wife says Conan's a delight, it means she wants me dead. What? No, he's great. He's with my two kids right now. We're homesick from school. What is what is he really is?

He's a behavior analyst and what he does, he's the most patient man on earth. So he spends his days trying to help adults with disabilities just like successfully walk through the world. Great. I mean, I think you two are killing it.

Good for him. Thanks. Yeah, good for him. Yeah. No, seriously. I mean, I'm constantly surrounded in show business. I'm surrounded by people that are just out for themselves, trying to advance their own career. I've never done that. I've taken my work very hard to drive mine into the gutter. But but

But I think it's amazing. You sound like both of you are working hard to make the world a better place. Do you two get along? It sounds like you get along pretty well. Does he ever use his behavioral techniques on you? Yeah, 100 percent. All the time. Whenever we're arguing, a snack will appear out of nowhere and I fully know what he's doing and I will take the snack and it doesn't matter. Wait a minute. If you're fighting with your husband and arguing, he'll pop a snack into your mouth.

He'll just, well, he won't pop it into my mouth because it's a little much, but he'll be like, are you hungry? Do you want this thing over here? And I'll be like, yeah, I want that thing, but also. Jesus. It's called a Scooby snack. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I guess, I mean, that's, that's, has he ever tried to lead you through a maze with a snack? No, not yet. Okay. That's good. I just picture. We have been, or we have been orienteering together, but, and the snacks were more for like my self-preservation, but.

Orienteering is when you run through the woods and you have a compass and you have, are you allowed to have a map with you when you're orienteering? You have a map because the map has checkpoints, but it's not like your phone and just a compass and you have to figure out how to get where you're going. See, that's a great thing to know how to do. I dated someone once who was into orienteering and she used her orienteering skills to get away from me. She got out of that relationship with a compass and a map. Oh my God.

Stephanie, how can I help you? Is there anything I can do to help you? Because a big part of my life is trying to help others. You've described that so well before. Yeah, I was right. So I have these two little kiddos who are two and four, two boys, and they just are wild. And I was just wondering what the best parenting advice you've ever received was and.

maybe how I can bring that into my daily life to not get so overwhelmed. Do you have duct tape? Yeah. Duct tape is, yeah. Get the really strong electrical kind. It doesn't break. And you tell them it's a fun game called, uh, sit still. You just duct tape them to something. Uh, I don't, you know, it's a, it is a tricky one. Um, cause all kids are different, uh, and,

And so how to get, are you trying to say how to, you want me to help you parent these two, you've described them as feral children that are running around the woods, grabbing mushrooms and stuffing them in their mouths.

Yeah. And they grab our chickens and yeah, a hundred percent. And they'll just like pick up snakes, even though another reason Central Virginia is bad is there are venomous snakes here and there aren't back where I'm from in New England. So, yeah. How do I know where you're from in New England? From Brockton, Massachusetts. You're kidding. You buried the lead. I'm from Brookline, Massachusetts. I surprisingly know that. Yeah. I played Brookline High in sports a lot. Yeah. What sport?

because I played golf to get out of running the mile in gym clubs. I respect that. Wait, to get out of running the mile, you played golf. If you played a varsity sport, you didn't have to run the mile. And I was like, I can do golf. I love this. So stupid. I wanted to be a sprinter and I tried out for the Brookline High School track team and they made me a two miler. So I ran the two mile. Oh, that sucks. Yeah. And they made me swing a golf club as I ran. Oh, my God.

For no reason. It just looked funny. Wow. Yeah, I have miserable memories of my days on the track team at Brookline High School. It wasn't anything Brookline High School did. It's just that I had the lungs of a two-year-old child when I was in high school. And it was not a fun experience. I don't think I was a good runner. Yeah.

I'm not built to run either, which is why I tried to golf it out. Yeah. Well, you're from Brockton and you've made your way to a place. Even though you study maps and your specialty is where things are in the world, you have moved to a place you seem to despise. It's so hot here. It's so humid. Then get out of here! Get out! It's so buggy. Go! What's keeping you there? It's so bad.

The whole hierarchy. It's so hard. They have schools other places. I know, but they have to want me too.

I, yeah, you're right. They have schools other places. I have, yeah. I don't know what to say. I've applied. I love my job here from 600 miles north. I would never leave. You know what I love? I can't wait. I can't wait till word gets out and it will because this is a popular podcast, Stephanie, that you were pleading with a way to escape. Oh,

And that you're desperately sending out applications to other schools. I go up for tenure. You're up for tenure? Not anymore. Not anymore. You're going to be eating mushrooms day in and day out.

You're going to be living in the woods with a compass. I love it here. Oh, I love it here. I love it here on the ninth level of Dante's hell. Oh, Stephanie. People here know how I feel about Richmond. Sure, they do. They do now. They do now. Well, listen. Oh, they did before. Yeah. Well, listen, I hope I've helped you. I think I've helped you move out of that job. Oh, yeah.

And once you're homeless, once you're homeless, you'll have to move on and you can move back to Brockton. Yup.

My parents moved out of Rock. They're in Wilmington now. So, but yeah, I guess I would go somewhere around north of Boston. I can't afford that. No one can afford that. What are you talking about? First of all, it doesn't sound like, I mean, your children can feed themselves. They sound pretty much like wildebeests. So they don't need clothing. We have chickens. These two monsters, yeah, they'll just be... You'll just have them on long ropes.

And you and your husband will be walking around the woods and you'll be saying, look, a tree. Isn't it crazy? And your husband will give you a snack to change the topic. Stephanie, it's all a mess. What a perfect life. What a perfect life you've just envisioned. Like, I love it here. Yeah. Too late, Stephanie. I know. Uh,

Listen, it's been really nice talking to you. And why don't you check in with us and tell us what your new city and new profession is in about six weeks.

It's too late, Stephanie. You did this to yourself. And you know what? This was a cry for help. You didn't. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I actually didn't have a question about parenting. How do I get out of this job that I do like? It's in a place I don't like. Too late. You're just digging the hole deeper and deeper. And as you know from geography and geology, if you dig deep enough, you'll end up in China. All right, Stephanie, I got to run, but you take care. OK, thank you. Say hi to your kids.

Greg and Greg, those monsters. Close enough. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Session and Matt Gourley produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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