Kaitlin Olson
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You know that feeling you get when you're waiting for something to happen? A certain outcome? Yeah. You get a little queasy, Sona? Yeah, I get it. I know what you're talking about. You know, taxes used to be about waiting and wondering and worrying. Yeah. At tax time, I'd be walking around, oh, what's going to happen?

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There's a lot to say when buying a new home or car, but only one thing to say that can help you protect them. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

Hear me? I did. I heard you. And just like that, a State Farm agent will be there to help you choose the coverage you need. You just say that and they show up. They come jumping out of a shrub. Oh, cool. No matter where you are in life, when you need coverage options, your State Farm agent is there to help on the phone or in person like a good neighbor. State Farm is there. Hi, my name is Caitlin Olson and I feel...

apprehensive about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, here, back to school. Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues. Climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'm the aforementioned Conan O'Brien, joined by some obsession. Hi. Matt Gourley, and we're just... I feel like we're already rocketing through...

2025. Really? Yeah. Just rocketing through it. What do you mean? Just rocketing through. Could you explain what the hell you're talking about? Time accelerates is what I'm telling you. The more experience you've had in life, the less each single moment registers in your brain. So time actually accelerates. By the time I'm done speaking, we'll all be dead. Oh.

I don't want to die with you. No offense. That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me. What a terrible thing to say. I'm sorry. It's just my wife, my daughter. Oh, come on. They've seen enough of you. You may be the death of me. Yes. There you go. No, I just think 2025, man. Yeah, man. Love it. Yeah. We did it. We did it. We did it. We're just starting. We haven't done anything. Oh, it's just beginning. Oh, it...

Oh, okay. It's just starting. 2025. Yeah. We're a quarter of the way into this century. That's crazy. That's madness. We're in like a sci-fi year. 2025 sounds like a future year. Doesn't it? Yeah. You know, I used to think that the year 2017

like a long time. This is when I was a kid. People would talk about the year 2000 and then we did a bit, Robert Smigel, he came up with this idea for a bit called Year 2000, which we did in 1988 at the Victory Garden Theater in Chicago. And then a couple of years later when I got the Late Night Show, we did it on the Late Night Show in the year 2000. And still in 1993, it's getting a little squirrely then, but the

The year 2000 did feel like this kind of funny distant future. And then I'll never forget. It was 1999 and we were getting close to the year 2000 and we're doing the bit in the year 2000. And we didn't know what to do. I remember this. We didn't know what to do. And we were thinking, what do we do? And we were thinking maybe La Bamba could sing in the distant future. And we were like, no. And then we said,

we're just going to stick with in the year 2000. And you talked about this on the show, right? Because I remember watching this. And then, sure enough, you know, Sting would be on the show and it would be 2005. And I'd say, you know, hey, maybe we should look to the future. And Andy had left at that point. So Sting, I'd do it with like whoever the celebrity was. And Sting would come through the curtain and go, the future, Conan? And I'd say, yes, Sting. Although,

All the way to the year 2000. And it's 2005. Talk about, we just didn't deal with it. And so, but I remember when I was a kid, there was a show on starring...

Martin Landau, and I think his co-star was Barbara Bain. I think it was a show that was made in England and it was called Space 1999. And it was the same thing where it was the 70s and this syndicated show would come on. And this is back when nothing was on television. And so whenever something came on, you watched it. And I remember thinking, oh, wow, Space 1999. And everyone's

And everyone on that show wore what looked to be like what they'd give you to wear on first class if you were going on a transatlantic flight. Everybody. And I thought. Somehow mixed with tennis leisure. Yes, yes, exactly. So I just thought in the future, we're all going to be very comfortable and we're going to live on the moon. And the future, of course, came along. And really, the big cars kind of looked pretty much the same. They didn't rust. Yeah.

But they kind of operated the same. There's still a steering wheel. You're still driving on the same roads. You're not up in the air like they told us they would be. The real difference is that radio just turned to podcasting. Yes, exactly. The only thing that really changed, all this stuff they told us, ray guns,

We're going to be living on different planets. None of that happened. No one talked about you'll have a personal computer in your pocket. That's a big one. And it will also be. Yes, but none of us thought of. And if you were told. Star Trek kind of did. They had their little like, you know.

Oh, Spock had a tricorder. Well, famously, I'm a Star Wars guy. Okay, well, I'm a Star Trek guy. And what I love is that Spock had... Neither one guy. Spock had... I'm a not nerd guy. Spock had what looked like a...

Like maybe an AM FM radio. Yeah. But it had a little screen on it. And whenever they would go on the planet, it was a device that just did everything called a tricorder or something. Yeah, a tricorder. And he would just be like, they'd be like, Spock, what's up? And he'd be like, well, according to this, my tricorder, we're going to have a conflict with a major character in about eight minutes. You know, or I mean, basically it could tell you what you're having for lunch. It could...

it could supply whatever the writers needed it to supply. Have you ever heard about in the Phantom Menace, you know, the first Star Wars prequel Qui-Gon Jinn played by Liam Neeson has this little First of all, I could have finished this whole sentence for you. But yeah, Qui-Gon Jinn played by Liam Neeson. Qui-Gon Jinn. What? Qui-Gon Jinn. Yes. Even I know that. Isn't it? There's no

- It's Qui-Gon Jim! - It's Qui-Gon Jim! - Who's popping the cores? - Meet Glimgorp Henry. And Scaliabalow Sally.

Anyway. He has this little machine to test Anakin's midichlorian count. Don't get into it. And it's made from a woman's shaving razor. Oh, wait a minute. So George Lucas just said, we need a device. And they just. I just took this from my wife's shower. Basically, yeah. Wow. Oh, no. Yeah. Okay. That's pretty great, huh? What year?

was Back to the Future the future? What year was that? Yeah, that just happened recently. Blai, you've got to know that. You've got to know. What? When he goes to the future and Back to the Future, what year is that? It just happened not too long ago. Oh, I think it's...

I do think it's 2023, maybe. But I wanted to bring up, there's another thing, the sonic screwdriver. Nobody here is a Doctor Who fan, right? Because I'm a Doctor Who fan. Sonic screwdriver. I wish Harrison Ford was here right now to tell you to shut the fuck up. You just took us down. That's also a thing that does everything. Eduardo? It was 2015. 2015 was when we were supposed to have hoverboards? Come on, we really dropped the ball.

No, no, I think there should be a Senate investigation into why we're not flying around because... Yeah, Blade Runner's also happened to me.

Time-wise too, right? Because they had flying cars in that. No, every future sci-fi movie, I mean, now they're smart enough to say in the year 4572, they've picked a time when clearly humans will no longer be on the planet. Alien was always good about that. They were far, far into the future. Right. Early sci-fi, if you listen to old radio shows that were made in the 1930s, they'll say, by 1948. And my favorite is

I listened to one once where they called robot was still a new word and they called it rub it. Rub it. Yeah. Rub it. There'll be a rub it. And the rub it will be a mechanical man named Qui-Gon Jim named Qui-Gon Jim who will open the mayonnaise can for you. It was all very pedestrian. I will say Eduardo. Here we go. Looked up the movie her, which

which is everybody has an AI girlfriend, takes place this year, 2025. And we kind of do all have AI girls. We're finally getting a mistress, though. Oh, wow. What are you talking about? Don't talk about her that way. It's a victimless crime. What do you mean?

What are you talking about? He had a really special relationship with that AI. Yeah, but he didn't cheat on any, but not with another person. And that's allowed, the Bible allows an exception if it's an AI girlfriend. Oh, come on. The Bible doesn't say thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's AI image. The Bible, we got around the Bible finally. I can covet all I want. Ugh. As long as it's made of pixels and hexels. Oh, God. What, did I get something wrong? Yeah, hexels? Mm.

Did that cover it? Mixels and Glaxels. Oh,

Let me just refer you to this rap sign. Oh, it's handwritten. How quaint. Clearly, you've not visited the year 2000. I was in haste. All right, let's get into it. My guest today is a terrific actress, you know, from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Hacks. There are many years, Sona, where I would pass you at your desk and I couldn't get you to do a goddamn thing because you were watching It's Always Sunny.

on your computer. Yes, I was. Well, now she stars in the hit series High Potential, which releases new episodes Tuesdays on ABC and next day on Hulu. We're thrilled she's here today. We adore her. Caitlin Olsen, welcome.

I've been acting like a fool since you came in the building. Yeah, a lot of dad jokes so far. I don't remember that from the podcast. That was my A material. Oh, no. From 70 years ago. No, I've been so goofy around you for a reason. I'm a massive fan, and I got giddy. And so then this tall drink of water comes walking in, and I'm...

doing schtick left and right, and I've made a complete fool of myself. You really did. And you know what? I apologize, but it came from a place of great admiration and some drinking about an hour ago. I'll allow it. I like that. Yeah. I like the explanation. I'm thrilled you're here.

And I want to start by acknowledging you have a crazy stalker fan here. Oh. In the form of Sona Lovesessia. Why did you do that to her? Say it like stalker fan. I'm a fan. I don't stalk you. That's okay. I haven't seen her peeking around in my bushes. Oh, okay. But not of mine. But not your stalker. That's fine. I'm fine with both. Only Don Cheadle. Okay.

It's true. It's just the guy I'm throwing in on the audio lately. The point is that a number of years ago, I was aware of Always Sunny when it was first starting up. And I would catch the show here and there. And I always think this is really funny. I like these people. I like what they're doing. But a lot of other stuff is going on. And then I would come to work and Sona's desk, Sona, my assistant,

was a shrine to always sunny. Just let him do it. I like it. I had a picture of the cast. You talked about it all the time. You're making me sound like a creeper. I had a picture of the cast and sometimes I would watch it at work

when I should have been doing things for him. So he's a little resentful about it. But that's what got me more into the show because I would be asking Sona, you know those pills I need for my heart to keep me alive? And she'd say, whatever, I'm busy. And then I would see that she was watching Always Sunny at work. Right. Important. Yeah. Yeah.

So then we flash forward to my children, my son and my daughter get to a certain age. And I will say this about my kids. I don't brag about them much because I'm not a fan. But they have excellent, excellent, excellent

excellent comedy taste and they started from the beginning and they started binge watching Always Sunny and then they pulled Liza and I into it and as a family we started from the beginning and we knew that soon like they're both going off to college we watched all

All of them. Oh, my God. All of them. I have not missed a one. Wow. And I was delighted because it's such an original comedic voice and voices. It's just coming at everything from a different angle. And it's just delightful. And so that's where a lot of my giddiness came from today. That's so sweet. It's true. It's absolutely 100% true. And, yeah.

And then if you'd have the gall to go on and have all this other success outside of Sonny, I think it's too much. Oh, too much success. Yeah. I thought you had, I mean, you hit it out of the park. Just be the girl on the one funny show. Go home and take care of your kids. Exactly. I get it. But then you're on Hacks and you're fantastic on that show.

Although your name on that show is eerily similar to J.D. Vance. God, that was so we were like, are you? First of all, I came along first. You were first. I've never heard of this man. Right. I could not believe it. And you're DJ Vance? DJ Vance. Oh, my God. And anyone who's watching it later is going to go, oh, what a corny take on J.D. Vance. No, no.

No, it stands for Deborah Jr. Yeah. And, yeah. Well, his name is Jebra Jr. Oh, well, then we did copy him. Yeah, Jebra Jr. And then...

We're going to discuss your new show, which I watched yesterday, which is getting insane over-the-top reviews. Again, something I resent. Didn't seem unmentioned to me anywhere on these reviews. Because I'm not in the show and I'm not involved in any way. But High Potential, which

which is an adaptation of a French show. It's a great idea, and you're fantastic in it. Thank you. And what I like about it is that it is a good... I was trying to think about it after, so it's like, it's...

I wouldn't say it's a comedy. It's a, it's a funny and at times very funny, uh, show. That's a very good crime show and really smart. Thank you. And I thought everyone wants to label something now and say, well, my wife said to me afterwards, she's like, is it a comedy? And I said, it's not a comedy. It is not. It's definitely not a comedy, but you get to be very funny in it. And some of the situations are very funny, but it's also, uh,

an excellent kind of one of those crime shows that is building a Rubik's cube and solving it in front of you, which was really cool. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that. That was, that was the goal is to really make sure that you believed the world and bought into the fact that there was something urgent and bad happening. And that wasn't going to happen if the rest of the world was funny. So, yeah. And also I was like, only I get to be funny on this show. You want me to do it? Only,

Only I will utter funny things. I have made that rule here at the podcast many times and it just doesn't seem to happen. No, they are breaking it. Yeah. I got to come up with more good shtick at the top. There were a couple of things that I realized about you today that I didn't know before, which is that you lived on Vashon Island. I did. My wife is from Seattle. Oh, she is? She, yes. And so I have,

wandered those islands and spent time on Vashon. And that's a very, and also Portland. That's a very special, specific part of the country. Yes, it's very Pacific Northwest. My parents were hippies. My mom's an herbalist. We like went fishing for salmon on the island for dinner. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we moved to like outside. You say Portland, which is like that was the big city 20 minutes away. We lived in Tigard, Oregon. And if you were hungry, you went outside and, you know, grabbed some whatever was ripe. Yeah.

Wash it off with the hose. Yeah. So when I... We were very, you know, it was just the four of us living off the land. When I met my wife, she had moved to New York and she'd grown up in Seattle and...

And, you know, she'd only been in New York a short time and we start dating and then I'm going to, oh, we're invited to an event. I'm doing the late night show and I invite, you know, this new woman I've met who I'm in love with, like, oh, I'm going to bring her to this event. And she would say, okay, let's go. And she only had fleece. Yeah.

And you should be like, I've got this. Patagonia. Yeah, I've got this. My Timberland boots. I can put on this nicer fleece. And I'm like, it's kind of black tie. Like, I'm wearing a tux. And she's like. I've got sandals. Yeah. I can put on the good sandals. And it was there.

There was a moment where I was like, we need to talk about the fleece only. Not everything's a fleece vest and a baseball cap. Yeah, that's right. But the other thing too was, I would say I'm Irish Catholic Boston. So everything for me, and Sona's witnessed this many times, which is I need to eat a massive ham sandwich. I've tried to change. I think I have changed, but my go-to was always...

a meal involves a massive piece of ham and potato and mayonnaise and it has to be this big thing that you then sit around and digest like a bank vault in your stomach. That was Rob too. Yeah. I retrained him. Yes.

So my wife, I'd show up at the time. She's my girlfriend. And I would show up at her tiny apartment and I would say, hey. I brought a ham. And I'd say like, yeah, I'd say I'm wearing a ham. I had a hat that was made that just had hams around it. I would show up in her apartment and say like, hey, Eliza, I'm really hungry. Are you hungry? And she'd say, I ate. And I'd say, oh, you ate? And she'd be like, yep.

I had half a pear and then I had some walnuts and then I had some antioxidant juice. Oh, yeah. I got to meet this lady. Pacific Northwest. I bet her gut health is just top shelf. Well, she's a massive fan of yours, so she would be thrilled to meet you someday. But you say that you had to retrain Rob. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just all...

First of all, I don't know that they that fresh vegetables existed on the East Coast. I think it was just all cans and frozen stuff. Apparently, I never saw a vegetable until after Reagan was in office. Right. I believe him. I was like, that's not possible. Like it's it's. But no, it was all they had, like, you know, lima beans and steak and always, always a potato of some kind. Yes. God forbid you leave the potato out.

Meat, a potato, and some bagged, re-warmed vegetable. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. And so how long did it take to retrain Rob? Not long because I love cooking. And he was like, oh, what's this? Oh, and one time I asked if he liked eggplant because I was going to do like an eggplant parmesan. He was like, oh, no, I was going to do some eggplant thing that wasn't eggplant parmesan.

And I just ruined the whole story. And he was like, yeah, I love eggplant. I was like, great. So I made, I don't remember what it was. We were still dating. It was 800 years ago. Yeah, it was before the printing press. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

And he ate it and he just wasn't eating. And I was like, you don't like eggplant. He was like, I swear this is not what eggplant tasted like when I was growing up. And he had eggplant parmesan. It was like beaten to a pulp and just mostly fried breading. Yes. It's breading and cheese. Yeah. I was like, that's not the eggplant part. Yeah. No, no, no. That's the heart attack part. If you hit a vegetable in heart attack sauce, I was fine with it. Yeah.

Everyone is, yeah. Everyone is, but it's just... Now he loves a fresh vegetable, I will say. Oh, and I've completely changed. It's the same. I mean, this is interesting. I wanted to talk about this initially just for saying because I realized we...

we've had a similar experience. But I had the same thing happen to me, which is now I'm like, I would like a salad, please. Your opposite. Yeah. Him too. He's like, he'll look at what his friends back east eat and he's just like, how are they not all dead? And why are they wondering why I look good and they don't? Right. They all look like 75-year-old men. Doughy. Yeah.

I love them. I want to make that clear. I love all of them. There's a whole new world out there, Sona. Yeah. Where if you go on a trip, you know, you can make your home an Airbnb. People pay good money to stay there. Yeah.

And you make some sweet cash that might help pay for your vacation. Where was this all my life? I don't know. Think about it. If you host while you're traveling, it's a great way to offset some of the cost of your own trip. Your trip doesn't cost as much. You might even break even. Yeah. Now, you've had some experience with this, have you not, Blay? That's right. Yeah, I travel a lot because I'm always headed back east to see friends, see family. Also, we encourage you to travel a lot. That's right. Would you please go? Yeah.

And I'm planning a trip to Chicago to see my pal Tom. And my apartment's just going to be sitting empty when I'm gone. So I'm thinking about, yeah, hosting. And are you okay with whoever stays there reading through all your comic books and looking through all your figurines and stuff? I have great taste. And the comic books I have in my apartment, people are going to love. No matter who you are, you're going to love. Just pick up a random comic book. It's going to be your next favorite comic book. Wow. What a strange thing to say. Yeah.

No, it sounds like a great idea. And I give them extra money to buy new comic books. You know, I'm always looking for the downside. I don't see a downside to this. Exactly, exactly. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host.

I hate when someone uses almond butter and then they close the top. Do you know what I mean? But they leave some of the almond butter dribbling down the side of the eye. Don't you hate that? I actually do. That is something I agree with you on. And then it hardens like a cement. To me, that person is a villain. That's one of the modern villains in life. And those villains drive me crazy. How do these people sleep so well? Well, guess what? I

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Well, it's hard for you to be near a TV because you're just a man of the world. You're always wandering around. You're like Johnny Appleseed. Wow, that's really nice. Thank you. Yeah, except he did a positive thing by planting apple trees. I don't know what you're doing. Anyway, you're just looking at your FanDuel screen. Anyway, visit FanDuel.com slash Conan to join today. You'll get started with $150 in bonus bets if you win your first $5 bet. That's FanDuel.com slash Conan. Never waste a hunch. Make every moment more with FanDuel, an official sportsbook partner of the NFL.

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Can I geek out on It's Always Sunny for a second and ask, how much improvisation are you guys doing? First of all, it's the 17th season? Yeah. Really weird. Really strange. Because it all began so improbably. Yeah. And I know you've talked about it a million times, but you literally just went out, which is my favorite comedy is Let's Make Ourselves Happy. And...

Now it's 17 years later. Yeah, that's a good life lesson. That philosophy goes towards auditioning, too. I was always auditioning before that, you know, reading the description of the character and trying to figure out exactly what they wanted and going in and doing an audition that I hoped that it was what they were looking for. It doesn't work like that. You got to go and like do your best version of whatever you think it is and make yourself like I might.

It turned into my only goal, rather than like going over the lines in my head 8 million times, was just have fun. Just have fun. You say a couple different words. Who cares? It's fine. Just have fun. It's the only way it works. And then I started booking stuff because you can't really make other people happy. It doesn't. That's not possible. There's too many of them. We all start out in that situation where we're trying to make someone happy and we're

You're told, yeah, it went to someone else. And you think it's a judgment on you. Totally. When it really isn't. Not at all. Because in this town, in this business, I was trying to explain to people, they're seeing 10,000 people and you might have come in and nailed it in some way. Absolutely. But you're a little taller. Or taller.

More often than not, they've already offered it to someone else. You're going in and spending days working on this thing, blow-drying your hair, putting makeup on, driving to that lot, walking across the lot in 100-degree heat. You look like shit by the time you get there. You do your best. And all the while, they're just waiting to get a phone call that the person they offered to is accepting or rejecting. And then they've got backups, and they're going to keep offering it. And then if no one accepts it, then they're going to turn to these auditions. It's crazy. Yeah.

There were so many auditions where I was like, I felt so good about that. And plenty of auditions that I hated because I just I would get anxious and be weird. That's not what I was meaning to do. Yeah. But now being on the other side of it, I'm like, oh, yeah, you've already offered it to someone else. We auditioned.

like thousands of people to be Conan O'Brien on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend when we knew all along it was going to be me. That's so mean. Everybody had to do their hair like that? And I was behind a one-way mirror and I was just laughing. We were earnestly trying to replace you. I was just laughing and drinking caramel out of a big pitcher.

warm caramel and laughing and it was running down my face. Bring in the next one. What?

Why? I don't know. I'm broken inside. Caramel. Caramel or caramel? I'm a caramel person. What did you say? Caramel. Caramel. Is anybody caramel? I think I say caramel unless I think about it. No, that's a city. I think I know. I think I even say that. But if I think about it, I'll say it right. Same with crayon and crayon. Oh, no, I'm caramel. No idea. I'm caramel. No.

No, no, no. I'm not the city. I'm the candy. I'm the toffee. Wait a minute. You're saying it correct. I understand what you're saying. I don't know what's happening with you. You're saying, I say caramel. No, he wants caramel. Caramel. There we go. I don't even hear the difference. He says caramel. I don't think I'm saying that because I'm conscious of it, but I say what you say. And that goes for life. You know what? This is going to end up being the... Caramel.

This will be the moment that trends. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're going to get a lot of feedback. By the way, I have a strong feeling I'm wrong. I think it might be caramel. It's caramel. It's caramel. All right. Or it's caramel. Everyone's nodding. Maybe it's probably an East Coast thing. Oh, East Coast, West Coast? I say caramel. Caramel. Okay.

I'm upset. I think we're done. I think I should go. Am I saying that weird? No, you sound great. I say things weird. You sound great. Weirdly. Weirdly. Thank you. I say things weirdly. Like I have a hard G at the end of my words. Yeah. Don't you say everything? Everything.

Everything. Oh. Everything. Everything. Yeah. Everything. Everything. Wrong. Wrong. She says, oh, you're wrong-ga. Oh. And it just drives me crazy. Because first of all, I'm never wrong-ga. Right, because you're never wrong-ga. It's wrong to say wrong-wrong-ga. Okay. All right, listen. Let's just move on. I hate everybody. I have to pile us back into safer waters. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Captain. So, I do think...

I do think that there is a beautiful lesson to It's Always Sunny, which is like-minded people got together and said, we're going to make something that doesn't fit any mold. We are going to please ourselves. I don't think this is going to work, but we like doing this. And the other thing is it cannot be copied. Right.

Right. No one else can do what you guys are doing. And there's so many different levels to it. It's... I mean... Because it's Rob, Charlie, and Glenn. I mean, it's just like... And I just feel like I absolutely hit the jackpot on that show. It's exactly what you said is how I feel. I mean, we...

We go in there. We have directors and a lot of them are our friends and they're wonderful. But at the end of the day, somebody else cut and we just gather and like what we like and you keep that and you keep that and I'll do this and then we go again. Yeah. And it's,

It's great. Well, my, as I said, my kids have, they have superb comedy taste and clearly, no, no, they really, no, I'm, I mean, I could list all the shows they like and it's there. They take it really seriously. They're, they don't watch my stuff, which again, they're batting a thousand, but they, there's so many things that just kill them. One was that I think you guys, the gang had some idea and they,

one of you said, who's it against? Yeah, yeah. And it wasn't against anybody. We couldn't take that. None of you can understand the idea of it's not against somebody. Whose face are we shoving it into? Yes, exactly. And it's, I don't know, it's such a funny, I know those characters so well now, and it is such a funny conceit that...

They will unite to defeat and humiliate someone else. Yeah. But someone could have a brilliant plan where you guys make a billion dollars, but if it's not against somebody, no one's in. No, it's not interesting. Yeah. So... Oh, so stupid. I love it so much. I love it.

I'm very impressed with your kids. And I have a 14 newly 14 year old now who's been sneaking scripts and reading them for years. And we will pull up clips that he can watch. But he's so and now he's just like, I mean, he's 14. So now he's seen probably half the episodes. He's completely obsessed. So but not mature enough to be able to, like, go out into the world and speak like that. So he'll say things. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, boy. We will fine-tune this, and one day you will be so funny, but that's not something to say at school. So... And Dennis, please, you know, let me explain. He's probably a rapist and murderer. But it's funny because... Oh, God. Oh, God.

Yeah, there's just like times where it's not even explained. Something will happen and Danny DeVito's character will like a gun will drop out. And you're like, why did he have a gun? And it's not addressed why he had a gun. It's not necessary. No, it just fell. Yeah, there's so many different layers there. And I do think I had this thought a long time ago when I was writing

as the old man here, when I was young, the show that really lit me up was SCTV because they put, you know, SNL was the big thing. And then SCTV was this other show that they really crafted and it had all these different layers and they put all these little smart, weird things

runners in there that you had to pick up on. And they didn't even know that anybody in America was watching it. We only saw it because it bounced off of an antenna in Buffalo, New York. And we managed to get it at my grandfather's little cottage in Miss Kwamecut. And my brothers and I would watch it and go, this is...

It's something that Always Sunny does and certain shows do it where they put these little things in there. And I think they're talking to me. Yes. Yeah, they are. Yeah, exactly. And it's a conversation. You guys are having a conversation with me as a viewer. And I feel not only respected, but like you're pulling me in on the secret. Yeah. Which is a beautiful thing. Yeah. I love that. Charlie does that a lot. We'll just improvise some kind of throwaway thing that's like a current event thing that...

it's just so funny and it gets left in there and we don't ever explain it has nothing to do with the episode. And it's just, that's what I think of when I, when you say that it's like, someone's going to pick up on that and understand what he's talking about, or he'll just make a quick reference to something from 60 seasons ago that somebody like some people will get. But the intelligent part I think is what's so great. Cause there are a lot of comedies that, that make me laugh. A lot of character driven stuff that,

you know i admire the character someone's doing but the writing is so smart and i can tell when someone hasn't seen it if they have something negative to say about it usually online because they didn't get it like it's like no no you you watched a clip and you think you know what it is because we're making a a commentary yes a bunch of dumb narcissistic psychopaths are but the writers are making commentary so obvious either you're too dumb or you didn't watch the episode i

I think it's cool to get to a place, which you've clearly gotten to, where you can have your cake and eat it too. I mean, between Hacks and Always Sunny and this, I mean, you've gotten to really own this comedy space. And then there's some part of you that said, I'd like to do this that is not, it's not a comedy. You're...

I don't, you can't not be funny in things and you are, yes, character's funny, but it all comes off the character. Yeah, she's human. She's human, yeah. And the other characters I play really aren't human. I mean, they're not multifaceted characters. This is just a, there's a way to still be a character

a grounded, hardworking woman with children and be funny. I think I can quickly set up... It's a terrific idea for a show. I know it's adapted from this French show, but the series, and this isn't giving away too much, but it opens with you getting up at four in the morning. We don't know what you do. It's clear you don't have a lot of money. You go to work and...

you're getting dressed and you're getting a big trash can and cleaning supplies and it's clear that oh you're a woman who cleans up in the middle of the night and then it's revealed it's clear that you're cleaning up at a bullpen a bullpen in a police station and then you knock into a box and all this stuff spills over and you're just cleaning it up jerk the headphones off music stops jerk the headphones off and you're just going to clean up this stuff and it's evidence

And your character has a gift, you're cleaning, but you also need to make sense of things. And you're highly intelligent and you start just quickly. And it basically leads to your character is very good and is kind of a savant at seeing these patterns and you start to help the police.

Kind of against their will. Oh, yeah. Get up and go to their caseboard and cross off suspect and right victim under one woman's picture. Yeah. I always think pilots are next to impossible. They're so hard. Because in a pilot episode, you need to lay out so much information that...

There's so many times that I've watched pilots and it's ding dong. Hello. Hi, I'm here. I'm your neighbor. Remember me? Yeah, I'm your neighbor. And guess what? I don't like each other. I don't like you since that time you stole that, you know, whatever, because you know how you like to steal things. I guess I'm the stealer. And then music. Yeah.

No, but that's a show I actually wrote. Oh, I'm sorry. She was laughing because she thought it was so funny. It's funny, right? Ran nine years on WB. Oh.

Slash UPN. But anyway, when they were united, I made hundreds of dollars on the Steeler. But but this this pilot is a very good episode. I wanted people to want to come back like I could tune into stuff all the time where I'm like, yeah, it's great.

And then I don't have a desire to come back for whatever reason. And I wanted you to really fall in love with this woman and who she is and be compelled to figure out because I drop a thing at the end of the first episode and I want people to buy into that and figure out what is that all about? Yeah. Yeah.

And I have to say, Drew Goddard wrote that script and I was not interested when they came to me and wanted to have lunch. I was like, ABC, hour-long drama. No, thank you. And my agent was like, no, you're going to go have lunch with them. And I was like, what did you just say to me? He was like, it's good. You're going to read it and you're going to have lunch. I'm going to make you because I think you're going to really want to do it. I just had no interest in, first of all, working for a network. I'm very spoiled on FX. They let us do whatever we want and say whatever we want.

and I have a hard time with executives who aren't creatives telling me what I can and can't do because again it goes back to it's all fine and it works and a lot of people are fine with that I just am so blessed to be in a position where I want to show up and have fun with my life that's at home and at work I don't want to do something that is I just want everything to be great or just I'll wait and wait until something comes along that I can make special so

I was very gun-shy, and then I read his script and was like, "Oh, I think I'm in." And then I have to point out that Alethea Jones directed that episode, and she was absolutely incredible. So one of the ways that you see my character solve things is what we call Morgan vision and kind of these like flashes of what she's putting together in her brain. I was really nervous about those.

Because I was like, my mind went to like a horrible reenactment on a bad A&E crime show. There's like someone who kind of looks like the murderer walking up. I was like, oh, God, I just was very scared of the Morgan Vision stuff. And I told her that and she was like, that's the stuff I'm most excited about. And I was like, OK, walk me through that. She just did such a tremendous job with that.

Also, some of the imagined recreations are really funny. Yeah, yeah. You know. Because it's just what's going on in her head. Yeah, your mind, you're thinking of serious things like how a murder happened. Yeah. But then there are these asides where you're thinking of other possibilities that are actually really good sight gags that are funny. And they're quick. Just like quick pop-ups. Yeah, really quick. It's interesting to me because I would think

What you want to do, it's that old phrase, like you're playing with house money. And I think sometimes in sports, if a team has, if they know that they've got it, if they know that they're going to the Super Bowl or something, they play differently because they, or conversely, if they feel like we got nothing to lose. Yeah. And it's nice probably to be in a part of your career where you feel like, yeah, I want to have fun. Yes. I want to have a good time. Yeah. It's, there's a,

quite a freedom in having, knowing that I really would walk away if it was not up to the quality that I wanted to put out there. Um, cause it's, that's not like a threat. It's just really like, no thanks. I mean, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I don't, I don't, um, yeah, yeah. It feels perfect. If you walked out on this podcast right now,

Oh, yeah, I should have done that. And away from my TV show. And guess what? This is not up to my... Yeah. It's not too late. And then we could put in a car starting noise. Oh, yeah. Tire screeching. Me calling my agent.

It's interesting because when you put something out in the world and you're seen a certain way, fans react to you in a certain way. And for so many years as Dee, people know you a certain way. Oh, yeah. And that is not who you are. No. But I heard this story.

anecdote once that the Three Stooges, the actual people who were the Three Stooges, you know, the Moe Howard and Larry, when they would go out in the world, people who were fans would come up and... Slap them? Slap them, hit them, and do the eye poke. Get your fingers away from eyes! Because they were like, no, no, I love you. Hey, Curly, I love you. And they would jab them in the eyes, and it was a huge problem. Yeah.

for them. But I'm thinking if you're, there's part of Dee, I mean, you're this very attractive, cool actress. Thanks, Conan. Well, you know what I mean. I do now. I don't know where Rob is right now. Feels like he's not showing you the proper attention.

I just, I'm sorry. That's right. Put it on Rob. Yeah. He's off somewhere eating a potato. I know. And I'm here talking to you about how attractive you are and talented as an actor and what a career you've had. And I don't know. I don't know if you have that syndrome where people come up to you and they're. Oh, yeah. D's a bird. Shut up bird. A lot. A lot of shut up bird. Mostly shut up bird. Yeah. Yeah.

on a daily basis. And you're like with your kids. Yeah. They love it. They think it's the best thing in the world. I bet you've done that.

I was going to yell, hey, bird, shut up when you walked in. I was like, I shouldn't. I see. I love it. I wasn't going to do that. The most fun is when people do it in the comment section of whatever social media and then I have so many fans jump on it and be like, you think she has heard that before? You know, she's other things that I'm like, I find it hilarious. It doesn't bother me at all. Calling someone a bird is so not an insult. It's the stupidest. Don't you love it when people come to your defense on social media for something that didn't need defending? Yes. I'm like, they're calling me

Who cares? But I was very worried. Very worried is maybe a little strong. But I did have a lot of thoughts about like, oh, I bet this show, this show might let a lot of my Sonny fans down or my The Mick fans down who just want me to do hard comedy. Balls to the wall kind of. Yeah, just tell dick and ball jokes all day long. And set people on fire. You know, that's all anyone wants from me. Right. And have men yell at me and call me a bird. Yeah.

So I was like, oh, I don't know how the general public is going to receive this. I feel like I've got the moms and grandmas with this one. But people are really liking it, which I'm very happy about. Yeah, the reviews have been great. Yeah. Yeah, they really have. And it's okay. I guess we're all human. So when you're waiting around. You need to take a shit. When you're waiting. What?

Why do you always take us into the gutter? There's something for the old fans. There you go, guys. There you go, Fal. And they're like, hey! There, she's back. It started to get real serious there, but then it was okay again. Dee is back! No, but, you know, there's this...

The uninitiated or people who wouldn't know would say, oh, by this point, you know, you wouldn't worry what people would say. Of course you would. Of course I would. Oh, yeah. Well, you must be very happy because it's people are loving it. I was. Oh, yeah. Even filming the pilot between filming the pilot and watching it when I got it, I didn't watch it right away. I was so nervous. I was just like.

I really enjoy being in control. And I felt very out of control with this one because it's a different genre, just a lot of trust. And like I said, I mean, I'm just used to 17 seasons on a show where we're all doing it together. This was me just trusting this woman. And I'm very glad that I did. She was incredible. But

Yeah, I care. I care very much. And I was scared to show it to Rob. Rob's the harshest critic I've ever met in my life. And when he liked it, I was like, we did it, guys. We did it. Now, would Rob—okay, this is interesting because this is someone who is your comedic partner, but also your life partner, right?

Brutally honest. Brutally honest? Brutally honest. Doesn't matter if we're married. Yeah. He wouldn't be cruel about it, but he'd say something like, you know what he would do? He would give me a million notes, even though it was already finished and edited. He would give me so many notes. You're like, no, we're watching it on television. We're watching it on television right now. It's airing on ABC right now. He's like, no, no, no, no, just trust me. Just call the editor. For reruns. Yeah. That's right. Never give up. Yeah.

That's a fascinating dynamic. It's very true. Yeah. Yeah. But he liked it. When I show my wife things that we're going to do, I mean, she wouldn't say, oh, that's bad. But I can tell. She'd smile and nod. She's got very, you know, Liza has these beautiful big eyes. And sometimes. They get sad. There's a little sadness in them, even though she's smiling. And I'm like, no, this isn't good. Yeah.

And then she goes to her closet and pulls out one of 70 fleeces she has now because she's rolling in dough.

All she did was go get, yeah, it's my Gucci fleece. I love Liza. Gucci fleece. Liza's great, yeah, yeah. She flies to Paris and has fittings and then comes back and it's still a fleece vest. And she puts the Patagonia label over the Gucci label. Just smells like perfume. Yeah, yeah. And then she says, let's go get some cured salmon. Hang out by the water.

Sounds great. Yeah. Well, that is amazing that you have figured that you two have that dynamic. Yeah. Can you do it with him? Can you look at his stuff? Can you look at Rob's stuff and say...

Yeah. Ooh, good question. This is going to sound super lame. I think Rob's got incredible taste, so there's not really anything he's made that I haven't liked. But no, that's not my personality. I think I would find things. I do that thing where you go see a friend in a play and you have to find things that you liked about it because their acting sucked. And then you just give them those things. Yeah.

I do that. I hope you've seen more than one person in a play because they're going to know. I've only seen one play in my life. Oh, no. Yeah. It was three weeks ago. I only have one friend. And it was her best friend in the world. Oh, no. Yeah. Jenny Tyler is Gandhi.

Jenny. Jenny. I shaved my head. What? What else? You have a very round head, Jenny. That part where you're not eating was really. Probably really good for your diet. Yeah. Jenny Tyler is gone. Well, she is. She's playing on Highland. Go see it. Don't see it. It's at the Coronet Theater. Check it out.

Well, it is a delight. It's a delight. It's my favorite thing is when I'm, and I've said this a million times, but there are days where I'm coming in to talk to somebody who I am a big fan of and kind of giddy to see and...

I also know that first thing I'm going to be doing when I get home is texting, you know, my kids and saying, guess who I was with today? And then I get points. Oh, my God. That's the best compliment. Seriously. Yeah. And you know what? The show probably premiered before Beckett was even born. Well, that's the other thing. That's the other thing, too, is that my daughter's 21. My son is newly 19. And they...

I always liked evergreen comedy. I always liked comedy that doesn't live off of this happened today and we're commenting on it. That was my favorite stuff and I always wanted to make stuff that maybe would be funny if someone found it 30 years later. Definitely, it's always sunny. The fact that

My kids are binge watching it and know every single twist and turn. What's the family you guys have the rivalry with? McCoyles. Yes. Oh, my God. The best. It's the best when it's real. The episodes where you realize at the end it's them and they just run away. Anyway, this. OK, none of this adds up. So stupid. It's so stupid. But my.

My life has been spent trying to prove to people that there is an intersection between stupid and smart. Yes. And it's it comes and goes and it's hard to find. And it's like the Northwest Passage. You know, many lives have been lost looking for it. But I believe in it with all my heart. Yeah. And it's hard to do. Yeah. And so when you find it, it's it's special. So that's a big compliment. Thank you. Well, congratulations on your new show. High Potential.

And I watched it on Hulu. Yeah, you should. And is Hulu the one, or it's also on ABC? ABC and Hulu the next day. Yeah, it's just very smart and...

Fun to watch and fun to watch your character who is also very funny, but grounded in reality, figuring all this stuff out. And I'm a true... I'm a crime fan. So when you were putting down these true detective shows, these recreation shows, I live off of those. Okay, good. Good, good, good. Same. And one of my... It really is...

my favorite compliment, which is happening a lot now because we're in our 17th season, where grownups will come and say, my kids are now old enough to watch Sunny and we watch it together as a family. And it's our show that we watch as a family. And now that my kids are 12 and 14, I'm like, oh, I get it. There's only like a, I feel like there's only a

a couple more years left where we will all want to watch stuff together. And you're just holding on to it. And I'm like, whatever show you guys want, yes, let's get popcorn and watch it on the couch together. We are... I was shocked because my wife...

who is an amazing mom, did an incredible job, was so sensible and really careful about, no, no, they can't eat this because I did read that it has a little bit of zinc in it. She and I really need to be best friends. Yeah, yeah. But, but, and she also, but she very quickly said, no, always sunny. The kids can watch Always Sunny. It's, it's fine. And then she, without my knowledge or permission, she hyper jumped to Veep. Oh.

And I come home, and she and my daughter and my son are watching Veep. Without you? Well, yeah. I wasn't there. I was doing something. I was out alley catting, you know me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a guy with needs. I understand. A man, you know, whatever. She's out there talking about minuscule levels of zinc. Yeah. It's very unattractive. Yeah. So anyway, I'm out doing what a guy does. And Rob knows what I'm talking about. And so...

Because I see him at the same time. Sure, sure. We high five. And no, but I come on, they're watching. And Veep, Veep is, there's whole runs in Veep, which is like, I'm going to take your balls and shove them up your asshole so far that you choke on the cum that comes out your ears and dribbles down your umbilical. You know, it's like insane. And she was like, yeah.

but it's funny. And I'm like, it is funny. But I, I told Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who I know, I told her like, you know, why is this letting the kids watch Veep? And she's like, what? I know. I know. Veep is another step beyond. It's a step up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen, you opened the floodgates with Sunny. What was she supposed to do? I think you guys were, the starter show. You guys were the drug. Oh,

A very good drug, by the way. Oh, yeah. An excellent drug that gave them a powerful but safe high. And then she went on to crack. She went to fentanyl. Yeah, she went to fentanyl. Thank you so much for coming in. Thanks for having me. An absolute joy to see you. So fun. And my best to Rob and to the gang that's making the show. Yes. And tell them I say hello. I will. And thank you so much for going down into the mines and making such good stuff for all of us. You're the best.

I'm not leaving. Let's just do another hour. Okay. Hour number two. We talk about what's going on in the world. Oh, God. And it gets really dark. I gotta go. Okay, no hour two. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Thank you.

Pretty chilly out there, wintertime. You know what I like about wintertime? I'm going to tell you anyway. I like sitting around with my pals, my good buddies, my posse, and I like cracking open a cold one. You know, whether it's a holiday gathering, office parties, or a fireside conversation, football Sundays. Oh, I love football Sundays with the gang. Sure do, you're such a jock. I am a jock. The old jockaroo, they used to call me.

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Let me list them for you. Oh. Malted barley for rich, balanced toffee note flavors and the iconic golden color, you know? And I like that it's 96 calories. And I actually wanted to know how many carbs it was. So I did this myself in a lab. Oh. It's 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. How did you do that? It's very complicated. I can't describe it all to you now, Sonia. You'd never understand. Okay. But it involves...

All right. Petri dishes and flame. Anyway, Miller Lite, it's great taste. It's 96 calories. Go to MillerLite.com slash Kona to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Hey, if you go into a place that sells beer and they don't have Miller Lite, tell them, hey, guess what? You don't really sell beer, do you? Tastes like Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

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Well, it's hard for you to be near a TV because you're just a man of the world. You're always wandering around. You're like Johnny Appleseed. Wow, that's really nice. Thank you. Yeah, except he did a positive thing by planting apple trees. I don't know what you're doing. Anyway, you're just looking at your FanDuel screen. Anyway, visit FanDuel.com slash Conan to join today. You'll get started with $150 in bonus bets if you win your first $5 bet. That's FanDuel.com slash Conan. Never waste a hunch. Make every moment more with FanDuel, an official sportsbook partner of the NFL.

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Okay, Sona, what are your self-care non-negotiables? I mean, obviously, washing my face every morning and night and then, you know, taking some time to myself, relaxing a little. Right, because you've got a stressful life. You've got twins. Yes. And, you know, when your schedule's packed with kids' activities, big work projects, it's easy to let your priorities slip. You forget you're taking care of other people. You're not taking care of yourself. Mm-hmm.

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♪ ♪

I was cleaning out some stuff in my office the other day, and I found that I had this CB dictionary. Oh, my God. I'm not surprised at all. CB. It sounded a little bit like CD for a second. Oh, CB. Citizens Band Radio, which is the way people talk like truckers and smoking the band. You know, we've talked about that movie before. Yeah, and not just the movie. I remember very clearly there was the CB thing.

fad was huge in the late 70s and there was a song called Convoy. That's right. Remember that song? I do. Yeah. We got a little old convoy running through the night. We got a great big convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Convoy. Sona, where are you going? What's going on? Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to leave the room and not be here anymore. Anyway, it was a big deal and I remember that one of my grandparents passed away and some of us, why don't you wrinkle pages even louder? Oh my God.

Look at him. He's right. This is the guy who produces the podcast. I edit this. I cut my mic. You don't need to worry about it. Look at this. Look at this. What are you, Kris Kringle? Anyway. Why'd you laugh so hard? That wasn't that funny. I thought it was good. Kris Kringle? It was funny. Kris Kringle's not good. You heard of Kris Kringle? This guy's Kris Kringle.

Louder, Bley, louder. There you go. Suck up. So anyway, one of my grandparents passed away and we were all like kids and we were, for some reason it got switched around. So we were in the funeral procession,

you know, funeral procession. What's it called? In the cars. Is it the funeral procession with the cars? I think so. Okay. Anyway. It's a convoy. Hearst was driving with one of my grandparents in it. I can't remember which one. And then other cars. And our cool cousin was driving the station wagon that my brothers and I, my sisters and I were all jammed into. And we're headed to the graveyard when the song Convoy came on. And my cousin reached over and turned it up

all the way. And there's a part of the song where they go, so let them tickers roll ten-four because we got a great thing. And we were all rocking out and I love my granddad. And it felt sacrilegious but also great at the same time. So I have a fond... No, he wouldn't have liked that at all. Yeah, he was a... Well, I thought I could quiz you guys on CB lingo and see if you can figure it out. Because actually, speaking of Hearst, there is a CB term for Hearst. Anybody know what it is? Is it called an old rolling pine? That's

That's good. The dead guy. Uh...

The dead guy. The dead guy. The dead guy. No, yeah. Let's see. I remember that. Well, obviously a Smokey is a policeman. Yeah, so we'll go over it. First of all, a hearse is called a bone box. Bone box. We got a bone box. Here are just some of your regular things. Like the police are called, you could call them a Smokey or a bear. Smokey the bear. CB radio are your ears. Got my ears on. A bear in the air. A bear in the air is a whirly gig. It's a helicopter with the cops inside. A police helicopter. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Can we back up? A helicopter with police inside. It's a helicopter, but instead of a citizen contained within...

At the core of it, police. This is what truckers say to each other. Yes. When they're driving like long range semi drivers. Yes. Okay. Okay. Like a bear in the bush. Bear in the bushes. Oh, that would be a smoky that's hiding out trying to catch people on a speed trap. Yeah, that's exactly right.

Okay, so now I'm going to quiz you guys. Those are kind of the easy ones. All right, here we go. Blood box. Blood box would be... Ambulance. That's right. One for Sona. Bed bug hauler. Bed bug hauler. It would be a motel, like a cheap motel. I think it's a furniture truck.

A moving van. I'll accept that. Oh, my God. I'm crushing it. I just learned what this was. Bikini State. Bikini State is Florida. That's right. Oh, wow. I just know because I'm a bikini inspector. Are you looking at the thing? No, I was not looking at it. I was not. I don't have my glasses on either. Breaking wind. Breaking wind. Speeding. Breaking wind. Going...

Downhill. I'm sorry, neither of you. It's the first seabeer in a convoy. Okay. They're breaking the wind. All right. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. That's something you'd say. What does it mean? That's just, I mean, good hygiene. Yeah. I think that means I need to rest. No. Say it again. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. It helps me think of it like, 10-4, good buddy. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. Be a good, see you around. Brush your teeth and comb your hair. There's a smoky up ahead. What?

What? Look good. There's a smoky up ahead. Oh, that's stupid. See you around. Just say there's a smoky up ahead. Why brush your teeth and comb your hair? Well, that's the whole point. They

They could be listening, right? When they pull you over for speeding, they don't care about your attire and how well coiffed you are. No, the Smokies are listening in on the CB radio. And then they hear you. If you say, hey, there's a Smokie, they'll be like, oh, the convoy is smart. Yeah. I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. What are California turnarounds? On ramps. No. Off ramps. Way stations. Way stations.

California turnaround. Yeah. That's when you hit the state of California because you've made your drop and then you're headed back the other way. Not really. Yes, it is. They're benzos or speed because if you're going as far as California, you got to take some of those to go there and back.

Oh, I see. You mean like a Benny or a big... Yes, I said Benzos. Yeah. Benny. Yeah, Benny or a JubJub. You guys are real hip. Those are called a green squanto, yeah. Choke and puke. Choke and puke. Let's see. That's in Smoking the Bandit. They use that a lot. Choke and puke. Yeah. I'm going to choke and puke. Going to a choke and puke. Going to a choke and puke. Like a bad diner. It's a restaurant, but I'll give it to you. Thank you. Christmas card. Yeah.

Just like a way to wish people well. Use it in a sentence, please. I'm doing double nickels on the I-5 and I got myself a Christmas card. I'm going to have to pay that come Tuesday. A traffic ticket. That's right. But why was it called a Christmas card? Well, it's just... These guys suck. It's CB poetry. I'm sorry. I'm glad. You know what? There's a reason this died out. You know what I mean? They had bad terms. I'm sorry. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I don't even know them. Now we're going to get into some of the more colorful ones. What's the score? Huh? What's the score?

What's the score? I'm winning. It's three, Sona, Conan, two. Also, we don't know that this died out. There's truckers all over this great country. Yeah, but why don't they just email each other? Or text? Because you don't want to be on your phone while you're driving. Of course they can be on their phone. They have devices that handle all kinds of things while they're driving. Let's get to that. What do you think VacuSuck is for? Well, I have one. I'm using it now. Oh, man. What?

Three AA batteries takes care of old Captain Jack down there. Jesus. Captain Jack. What does abuse it mean? Well, okay. Abuse it. Just say it. Well, I don't want to. Masturbate. That's right. I gave that to Sona because I didn't want to offend a lady. You didn't want to say masturbate? I didn't, no. You just called your dick Captain Jack. Yeah, he's in the army.

That's his rank. You just did a whole vacuum suck thing. It's his rank.

I got a vacuum suck for Captain Jack. He did his time. Well, you don't want to say masturbate, but he was in Vietnam. What's a douche job? Oh, man, don't get me started. A douche job is when. Why did you put two fingers up? Very specific car wash. Yes, that's right. OK. I was going to say an actual like anal. No. An actual anal. OK.

Okay, some of these have crossed over into popular culture, but what's a beaver? A vagina. Well, no. No. I mean, it is. It's a woman driving a truck. It's just a woman, yeah. Okay. Bra buster. What is it? Bra buster? Bra buster. Oh, man. Talk about it. Excuse me? What? Talk about it? A bra buster? Bra buster is a woman who is real tough. Mm-hmm.

No. Bra buster's a speed bump. You go over it too fast, it's going to bust your bra. No, it's just a large-breasted woman. Well, wait a minute. I thought they have to relate to trucking somehow. Now you're going to get into, yeah, that's an old itchy face. What's that? A guy with a beard. Well, why are they talking in code? No one's changing the goalposts. No, if I'm driving a truck and I see, you know, lady with the titties,

Hey guys, bra buster. That beaver's a real bra buster. Yeah, but that's not, it's not coded enough. Oh. It's still, do you know what I mean? Some of them are, some of them aren't. I mean, this is, this just evolved with the language. It's not like somebody sat down at a council. No, but there's a more clever way to do that if there's a large breasted woman. Well, maybe they're not like, they're doing it on the radio, but the woman doesn't hear it. They're just like, hey guys, heads up. Those are some big knobs on the radio. Yes. You know what I mean? Something like that. That's nice. You know what I mean? High beams on. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Something they could do better. The twin pillars of society. There's so many different ways to do it, but Bra Bus are just being unimaginative. Another reason why CB culture has died. All right, so this is a tiebreaker. And the last one, coffee break. Coffee break. Oh, tell me about it. I'm just trying to use up time. Coffee break.

Coffee break. Coffee break. Now, this doesn't necessarily have a one-to-one for what the name is to what the thing is. So you just have to think creatively. Remember, we're in the kind of like, you know, sexual section. Oh, we are. Oh, coffee break. Does it have anything to do with... This one's anal.

Oh my God, you're obsessed. And again, they have a device for that too. So they don't have to use it because coffee's dark? Because coffee's dark. Oh God. No, not only are you not right, you're disqualified. Thank you. Coffee break. I don't know. It's just a visit with a prostitute. But why?

That's just... I'm taking a coffee break. You can't get upset. I can get upset. These are on the road for days. I want these to be rewritten. Well, the good news is I've only gone through A through D on these, so we've got lots more to do. Oh, my God. That's okay. I think this is our last visit to CB. What made you... Why do you have a CB dictionary? That was my question. Yeah. Just...

I don't know. Maybe someone gave it to me as a gift or I bought it. You know, I love the movie Smoke and the Bandit. It's one of my favorite movies. Okay. And so I wanted to be able to speak the patois. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Okay. Well, hope you're happy. If you're cornered around saying coffee break...

or Bra Buster. I just, I can't know you. I do think some of these could be better. I'm 10-10 in the shade Pickle Park and TaylorMade, so. See, that sounds good, but some of these just weren't very good. I'm going to be honest. Coffee break for a prostitute. There's a better way to do that, right? I think coffee break...

I think coffee break is cool. But what if you want a coffee break? It's a euphemism. But what I'm saying is that's a bad idea because coffee is a regular part of what a trucker would be drinking. So is prostitution. No, that's not. That's a terrible thing to say. Why are you telling other people that you're going on a coffee break? Like, why are you telling the other people on the radio that you're going to see a prostitute?

Why don't you just do it? I think you guys got to put yourself in the mindset of the 70s and the American South, and you're just talking to your buddies on a CB radio going, I'm going to go on a coffee break, 10-4, come back. I'd say I'm going to go hire a prostitute, and then I'm going to have some coffee afterwards with said prostitute.

My old college roommate, Tom Crow. Jesus. Who's that? He came out of nowhere. His sister. Hey, what's your handle there, good buddy? Is this shut the fuck up? Snowcap. Yeah, no. Snowcap. My old college roommate, Tom Crow, his sister, her job is coordinating long haul truckers. I can ask her how much of these are still in use today because she talks to a lot of truckers. That sounds good. Yeah, find out if there are a lot of truckers out there taking coffee breaks. And you know what this segment really wants? A follow-up segment. A follow-up segment.

Yeah, it screams follow-up. Sorry. And ask her about vacu-suck. Is that the actual name? Is that the actual name? From the guy who won't say masturbate. Okay. No, I can't do it myself, but with machinery. Oh, my God.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.

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