Longest Fixed Borders In History
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Hi, Vasco. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi. Hey, Vasco. How are you? Doing great. Thanks. Great to be here. It's good to have you. Where are you coming to us from? I'm in Portugal in a little town by the seaside called Edisada. Oh, wow. It's like 40 minutes from Lisbon. Okay. I have never been to Portugal in my life. Tell me a little bit, first of all, about yourself and then Portugal. Tell me, you know, who are you? Who is this man named Vasco? Who am I?

I am Portuguese born and raised. Who am I? I wonder. I walk the streets of Lisbon pondering. What do you like to do? Well, the main reason why I moved here was for the surf. So I'm big on that. I'm big on being in the sea. I come from a family of sailors, but surf is my main thing.

Yeah, other things that I like are photography, video games. I've actually been working in the video game industry for the past 10 years. But since it's a bit shaky at the moment, in between jobs for about a year, which has been a bit challenging, but it's also been good to kind of like slow down and enjoy the place where I live, spending time with friends. So you're a surfer.

And you're able to access that inner surfer cool, maybe, even during times of stress, yes? Would you say you're a pretty laid-back, chill guy? Yeah, yeah, I'd say so. I'd say so. I'd say that's the best compliment I've been given was how calm I am. Okay, okay. So you're a guy that likes to get in the water, spend a lot of time in the water. Listen, Vasco, I'll be honest with you. I fear the ocean. Okay.

As it should. I fear the ocean, not because I'm a good swimmer. I like to get in the water, but you appear to have some melanin in your skin. You appear to be someone who could probably get a tan and look pretty good. I don't. Look at me. I can't be in the sun for more than four minutes.

at a time. Well, I have Irish blood in me as well, so I don't get tanned as much as the average Portuguese, so I feel you. I'm also covered with freckles, but I think the bass tone is a bit darker, so they're not so noticeable.

I'm just going to say it. This guy's just so much more attractive than I am. You know what? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. But yeah, I was thinking it too. I think we all were. Yeah. No, it's okay. He's a surfer and that's cool. And you don't surf. Yeah. Vasco, would you date us? Yeah. He's got a cool mustache. Yeah. You've got a really cool. Four-way date. That sounds great. You've got a. No, forget Conan. Oh, yeah. Just me and Matt. Yeah. I'm up for it. Let's do it. All right.

So Vasco, I don't know much about Portugal. I'll tell you that right now. I don't know much. What I do know about Portugal is that for a while when people in the United States were maybe getting a little upset about how things were going here, people were saying, you know, you can move to Portugal.

And they'll give you citizenship if you just buy some property. But then I heard that went away. They shut it down. Well, I hear they might be bringing it back. And I know that there's a lot of people. Gee, I wonder why. Yeah, well, yeah, there's been an influx of Americans. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Whenever things get shaky in the United States, everybody runs to Portugal. But tell me about Portugal. I really don't know much about it.

So we have a pretty long and rich history. So one cool thing is that we have the oldest fixed borders in history. So basically, Portugal started by helping the Spanish kick out the moors of the Iberian Peninsula. And they just went from north to south kind of

getting them out. And then basically the Portuguese king got to keep that land as its country. And the mainland hasn't changed pretty much since then. Can I just say one thing, Bosco? A t-shirt that says Portugal longest fixed borders in history. It just doesn't, it's not catchy. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

You want like Land of Fun and Sun or... These colors don't run. Yeah, well, you want... There's great t-shirts for countries. Do you know what I'm saying? But...

Yeah, but that's the challenge with Portugal. Land of longest fixed borders in history. Yeah. That's not getting anybody excited. That's the name of their national anthem, too. Exactly, exactly. It's not that far off. Of all the countries, ours have the longest fixed borders.

The latitude and longitude were established in 1220. Wait, it's to the tune of our national anthem? Yeah, because we got to kick ass anthems. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm not singing another country's anthem.

Nice try, buddy boy. I want you to report back to the Kremlin. Sorry, Vasco. But I think we need to know more about Portugal. You can't just say longest fixed borders and, you know, we encourage the Moors to move out. No, that's not good stuff. You need something better. What else you got?

Well, we had the biggest empire for the first global empire 500 years ago. You've got Cristiano Ronaldo. That's pretty much the reason why most people know the existence of Portugal these days. It's because of Cristiano Ronaldo. Does he hang out in Portugal much or is he one of those guys who made it big and then just never, ever comes back to Portugal? No.

No, no, he comes back. He's got his family all kind of shacked up with him in a huge mansion by the sea. But do you ever see him by the 7-Eleven, you know, buying magazines and some beef jerky? Do you ever see, hey, Christian, how are you? What's going on? Does that ever happen?

No, no, no. He lives in a very secluded kind of existence here in this country. You don't really see him. Yeah, I do that too because of my fame in America. I live in a massive compound surrounded by guards and I'm rarely seen outside. No.

It doesn't help when you just keep saying no. I'm sorry, I just walk around with you and you're very like, I'm Conan, everybody. Yeah. We've all heard about your jogging and I've seen you in person, actually. Sometimes. Oh, you saw me in person. I just crumbled in a second. Where did you see me in person?

Like it must've been 2014. First time I went to E3, you were there and you were just towering over everyone. Yeah. Oh, the E3 gaming convention. I went there to shoot something. So you saw me in person. Were you impressed? Were you like, Oh my God, what a Greek God. I don't,

I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but could you say that, please? No. You took one look and you said the longest fixed borders in history. Yeah. Sorry. I think we're even now. But no, I thought someone was kind of cosplaying as a ginger Slenderman. So that was my first thought. You know, that's not a bad idea for cosplay for me, Vasco. But Vasco, here's my concern. My concern is that Portugal, when you say it, I know...

I know it's an amazing place, I'm sure it is, but nothing comes to mind. Do you know what I mean? And you're struggling. You've got fixed borders and Cristian Ronaldo, who you've never seen because he lives in a 9,000 square foot house. Exactly.

Well, I mean, what can we say about the Portuguese? I think we're considered to be quite of a melancholic breed. Wow. We're quite stoic and serious. Yeah, it's great entertainment. This is really good tourism bureau stuff. Yeah. Portugal, come for the stoicism. Stay for the fixed borders. The long faces and the deep stares of people who actually like it that you're there, but they just won't show it.

You think they hate you, but they may not. Portugal.

No, I think we need, don't you think we need to do something, Vasco? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because- That's kind of what I'm here for. When you think about France, you think, oh, you know, bread, wine, cheese, berets, Eiffel Tower. When you think about England, you think about roast beef, the great cliffs of Dover, you know, guys with tall furry hats guarding the queen. Everyone's got their stuff. Yeah.

What is what is port wine? Well, that's that's more of a British invention. That's what I think. Yeah. Yeah. I did that for you. You could have taken it. No, we want the truth here. And we don't need and Matt, we don't need you explaining the essence of Portugal. Well, he's not go. So, Bosco, what do you think? Well, what do you think?

How do we fix this problem? Well, that's what I was kind of reaching out to you for. We need to kind of establish a potentially offensive national stereotype in Portugal because I think we're lacking in that. And I feel like I don't have a place in the world because...

Like when I say I'm Portuguese, people just give me the same blank stares that you guys. Oh, I see. What you want is you want me to create a stereotype about the Portuguese that creates a lot of a whole class of Portuguese jokes. Yeah. Yeah. Without any sort of basis or knowledge of the country. Yeah.

Boy, have you come to the right guy. So you're looking for a comedian to shoot from the hip, make up stuff about Portugal that offends everybody, and give you guys an identity. No, we're pretty thick-skinned. We can take a joke. And we like a lot of dark humor, so I'm pretty sure we can take it. Or you just might get blacklisted. That's one or the other. Or beaten. I might be beaten. ♪

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What's the food in Portugal? The food is definitely one of the highlights. Tell me what the food is, because that's a lot of where the culture comes from. In Italy, when people maybe want to stereotype Italy, they talk about, oh, my mama, she makes the pasta, and they talk with their hands and all that kind of stuff. What do you got in Portugal? We have really good food. The main thing would be fish. Most of the people live close to the sea. Fish?

Yeah, seafood. Fish? Come on. No, fish. I'm sorry, Sona. People come all over the world for this. Oh, my mama. She's making a box. She makes a box.

She's making a pasta. She's making a pasta. Yeah, and then I want something from Portugal, and I get, you may have some fish. Oh, what kind? Just fish. Well, this is good. This is working, what you're doing. You're stereotyping it. Yes. No, I think maybe that's what I... Well, I'm serious. In Greece, we smash bottles, we drink ouzo, you know, we dance on tabletops, you know. She makes the pasta.

In Italy, I make the pasta. I make the pasta. Mama, mama. But you, Portugal, fixed borders, stoicism, fish. We've got to do something. I think to your benefit, we don't put a lot of condiments on our food. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah.

But it's because the fish is that tasty that we don't need to put anything on it. Just a little bit of salt and pepper. Yes, yes. The subtle taste of untreated fish. Hey, excuse me, Portuguese waiter. Do you mind if I... No! Couldn't I have just a little bit of... No! What else besides fish?

Well, we have quite a sweet tooth. So we have these, people call them egg tarts, but we call them pistachio nattas. You're not selling it, Vasco!

Egg tart? We're not being angry, I'm sorry. They're delicious, they're delicious. They sound, they don't sound great. Gather round, kids. If you've been good. So what's, how do you, this great delicacy, this egg tart, tell us, how is it made? What's an egg tart?

So it's a crunchy phyllo pastry. It's kind of like a cupcake, more or less. Shaped like a cupcake. Okay, that's better. It's the same size. You're doing good. So it's crunchy on the outside. It's super flaky. Lots of butter. And then the filling is this kind of custard. So it's creamy with a little hint of lemon, maybe some turmeric. They kind of bake them so that they're a little bit burnt on top. Mm-hmm.

Then you serve them with a bit of cinnamon and it's delicious. Okay, that's a lot better. You just need to change the name. Yeah. Okay? Because, you know, kids, Halloween, ding dong, oh, yay, yay, trick or treat. Here's your egg tart. It doesn't work. Do you know what I mean? But what you're describing sounds a little better. We just need to work on the terminology. Why are they giving out pastries at Halloween?

Halloween. But because I don't have anything else. Also, a holiday they don't even celebrate. I'm sorry. Do you guys have Halloween?

Well, we do because we inherited it from the Americans. Yeah, everyone has Halloween now. Maybe it's better in Portuguese. Maybe it's not called egg tarts, but maybe in Portuguese it's a better name. Oh, so Eduardo is showing a lot of cultural sensitivity. What's it called in Portuguese? It's called pastéis de nata, which means cream pastries.

Yeah, it's better. That's better. You lost the egg. Yeah, it's good. Always take egg out of any kind of dessert or candy. Well, most of our sweets are egg-based, actually. But you do have Halloween, so it's nice because if a kid doesn't get an egg tart, they just drop a fish in this. LAUGHTER

Exactly. That's how we live it up. I think I almost feel like the tourism board in Portugal needs help. Don't you think? Yes, exactly. We need to come up with some stuff that gives a little boost to Portugal and that people start to talk about worldwide.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Don't you guys have the biggest wave to surf or something like that? Yes. You're a surfer. You should have started with that. Yeah. Do you have the biggest wave in the world? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, biggest surf wave. Yes. Yes. It's, uh, it's this place called Nazare. It's kind of like two hours North from here. I've seen footage of it. Yes. It's, it's fantastic. It's beautiful. And it's insane. Majestic. Have you ever surfed over there? No, I don't have a death wish. At least not yet. Um,

But it's very impressive to see. I think a lot of these guys are kind of looking for a ticket out. Seems like it. But it's like there's so much water moving and you feel the place vibrating from the energy of it. And it's something that, like the videos and the photos are something amazing to look at, but just seeing it up front. That's amazing. Now, this is something...

You could, well, again, does it help with tourism to say Portugal, our wave will kill you? No. What a way to go. I'm trying, I'm looking for stuff. You've got fixed borders, fish with no spices or condiments. Boy, do we got you back. And I mean, and a wave that will kill you. And if you've got a sweet tooth, we'll make you an egg tart. I'm just summing up. We've got problems. Well,

You can come watch the waves and see someone else who might die. Be appealing. Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. Portugal, want to see someone die?

Have you ever considered working for France's tourism board as an antidote for people going to Portugal? Yeah, you could be the anti-tourism board guy. Yeah. I think we can do better for Portugal because I know you have a beautiful country. I can tell you guys are fantastic. Nothing against Portugal, but you're just not getting the right word out there. You need a salesman to sell Portugal. Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. We're too self-deprecating for that.

Oh, okay. I know of what you speak, but it's time to start tooting your own horn. Okay? And maybe even if we have to lie, we could make up some things about Portugal. Sure. You know? Like what? Like we could put out the rumor that occasionally Cristian Ronaldo comes out of his house. Goes to a 7-Eleven. Goes to a 7-Eleven. He starts offering the custard tarts to everyone. Yeah, exactly. Are you a good surfer?

- I've done it for a while. I'm not a pro, but I can hold my own in pretty much any condition. - I'm gonna tell you something. At my age, I've never tried to surf. I have very long legs and a very high center of gravity, which I think doesn't help me, plus a total lack of coordination and a lot of fear. Those things, I think, have gotten in the way of my becoming a surfer. Could you teach me to surf, do you think?

I'd be happy to. Yeah. And I think you'd be quite, uh, quite useful in the water. You think I'd be good? He said, not necessarily good, but like a raft. Yeah. Well, you said, you said useful. I thought you said youthful. Did you say useful? I heard useful. Okay. How would I be useful in the water?

Well, your impressive height would be a great beacon to know where to sit to pick up the waves. And then I think your constant craving for attention would allow you to engage with all the other surfers, distract them from the waves, and then I could just catch more waves. I love Portugal. You need her attention. Would they even be excited to see him? Because if everyone's so stoic, would they just be like, all right, Conan's here. Would they even care?

Well, they would be like, come on, funny man, say some jokes, you know. I can get that at home. It's my wife and kids. So I like that. You would take me to surf because I'm a beacon and I would be a distraction. That would be, that's terrific. I'd be happy to teach you. And I think it'd be a great victory if I got you to stand up. Can I ask you personal questions? Are you in a relationship right now?

I'm not. Okay, guess what? I'm a great wingman. I just want to tell you that right now. No, I am. You doubt that? I'm a really good wingman. People come over to see what is that thing, and then I say, and this is my friend, and they're like, oh, it talks, and I say, and this is Vasco, and then you're in. What do you think? I like that approach, yeah. I think it might work. So I could take you out. I could be your wingman.

Yeah. What do you do? Do you ever, do you hang out with other surfers?

Yeah, so I live in this little kind of cul-de-sac and there's a nice wave right out front. It's like a three-minute walking distance from the beach. We kind of made a community just from the people who surf there and we all surf together. One of them is actually Irish, which I thought you might think is interesting. Nope. You surf with an Irish friend and then...

But do you guys all hang out together after you surf? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We usually kind of go over to each other's places to kind of do a little bit of a recap and have some beers. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. See? Maybe break out an egg tart. A fish with no salt or pepper on it. Yeah, that's great. And I'm just curious, so...

Would I fit in in that world? Like maybe we spend a day surfing, then we go and we hang out and we have something to drink. We have some beers and we hang out with the other guys. Is that what happens? Yeah. Yeah. If you speak the lingo, yeah, I think it'll fit in. You mean if I speak Portuguese? No, I mean the surf lingo. Yeah. The Portuguese won't help or hurt either, but I mean more like the surf lingo. What's the surf lingo?

You know, like it's like you're shredding it or you got shacked or is so gnarly or you got like completely toasted. OK, well, a bunch of those things have happened to me, but I wasn't surfing. I did report it. Vasco, I just you seem like he seems like a very nice guy. Yeah, you're very nice guy. You're a very cool guy. I think you insulted me possibly 800 times during this call, which is about average.

When I talk to people and I love that. I don't know why I'm a masochist, but you seem you seem like a good guy. And yeah, maybe someday we can surf. I can be your wingman and we can help Portugal because I think that would be a fantastic thing to do. You know, I think it's time to put Portugal on the map. Exactly. Agreed.

It's been on the map longer than any country. Oh, yeah, with fixed borders. It has fixed borders. Fixed borders, fish, eggy tarts, long stairs. All right, well, Bosco, very cool to meet you. Really nice talking to you. And...

Peace out. Yeah, it was great talking to you guys as well. I've been listening to the podcast and watching your shows since forever. Well, that's good. It's a very good use of your time. I think so too. Yeah, I was being sarcastic. All right, well, Vasco, thank you very much and I hope to see you soon. Thanks, have a great day. Yeah, bye. Bye.

Take it away, Jimmy. Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down the road.

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