Move Motherf@#$er!
21:33 Share

Sometimes the most painful part of getting sick is the getting better part. Waiting on hold for an appointment, sitting in crowded waiting rooms, standing in line at the pharmacy. That's painful. Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy remove these painful parts of getting better with things like 24-7 virtual visits and prescriptions delivered to your door. Thanks to Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy, healthcare just got less painful.

If you love iPhone, you'll love Apple Card. It comes with the privacy and security you expect from Apple. Plus, you earn up to 3% daily cash back on every purchase, which can automatically earn interest when you open a high-yield savings account through Apple Card. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app. Subject to credit approval, savings is available to Apple Card owners subject to eligibility. Apple Card and Savings by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch. Member FDIC. Terms and more at applecard.com.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Hi, Rianne. Welcome to Conan Needs a Fan. Hi, Rianne. How are you? Oh, gosh, this is really happening.

Great. How are the two of you? It was very nice to meet you, Rianne. Tell us, where are you right now? I'm in Taguig, Metro Manila, Philippines. The Philippines. And how do you pronounce it again? Taguig? Yes. Oh, you did pretty well. Yeah. Taguig. Perfect. Just say I did very well. It sounded a little patronizing. Yeah. Don't say pretty well. Next time, say very well. Okay. Rianne, it's nice to meet you. And you're from Taguig, Philippines. Yes.

And I've never been to the Philippines before. Maybe you could tell me a little bit about yourself. What do I need to know about Rianne? I'm 29, but I stand at 4'10". So even for a Filipino, I am quite short. So average height for women is about 5'2". I struggle a lot.

going through life as a vertically challenged person? Well, Rianne, I am also a vertically challenged person, but the other way. So there are problems. I'm a bit on the tall side and I'm always smashing into things. People laugh at me. They play circus music when I walk through the room. So I

I do have some sympathy. Tell me you struggle. What things do you struggle with being four feet 10? What do you struggle with?

So there are a lot of just, the world isn't built for short people. I think you genuinely have it better. So just going to the grocery is a challenge. I don't like going without my boyfriend because I don't like asking for help to reach the top shelves. Sometimes going to the theme park. Can I ask you how tall is your boyfriend? He's 5'7". Might not seem tall to you, but he's

taller than I am. Yeah, to you, he's like the rock, you know? Exactly. Yeah. To me, once you hit 5'5", there is no difference between my boyfriend and Conan. You're all tall to me. Yeah, we're all just up there in the clouds. Exactly. So you don't like going to the grocery store and you said you don't like going to theme parks?

Yes. Always a tense moment finding out whether I can go on a ride or not. Driving is a challenge. I have to sit on a pillow to see over the dash.

Wow. And what about your feet? I mean, the pillow will get you high enough, but what about your feet? What do you do there to reach the pedals? Exactly. So there is a perfect ratio. I do not like other people driving my car because it moves the seat. And then you got to find the ratio again. Yeah.

That's a challenge. You get mistaken for a child a lot. People think you're a child. They pat you on the head and things.

Exactly! Especially when we're traveling in the States, I get carded a lot and they don't accept our driver's license so I gotta grab my passport and whip it out. One time a TSA agent, we were going through so I went through and then he was like to my mom, "Minors gotta be accompanied by adults." And my mom was like, "She's 22, she's not a minor."

And the guy was genuine. You are not 22. Wow. Okay, so you've struggled with this. And do you like to drive once you are driving? And you've got the seat just right and you've got the pedals just right and you're comfortable. Are you a good driver? I...

I'm a competent and law-abiding driver. I may have a bit of road rage when it's deserved. Okay. The way you said deserved was insane. You haven't driven in years.

Philippines, you would understand if you were here. Okay, can we act out your road rage? Because I want to see, Rianne, what it actually looks like. So you're driving and then I'm in a car next to you. I'm driving a bright red Buick LeSabre. And I suddenly cut you off in my bright red Buick LeSabre. Show me what you would do.

Move, motherfucker. I'm just kidding. It's probably a lot more like, I swear in Tagalog. Wait, do you always... Putang ng gago. Do you always... Fucking pick a lane. Do you always giggle in between move and then motherfucker? Do you always go, move! Yeah. Motherfucker.

You're like the Joker with Tourette's. So say it to me again, how you would do it in the Philippines. I just want to hear it. The whole thing, the whole run. I just cut you off. Go. Fucking move, motherfucker. Yeah. Nice. Don't be apologetic. That's I mean, let's get that out on a rap track. You know?

Move, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a hit, I think. I want her to say it, though, specifically, because you have a good, like, I could tell you get angry. Yeah. I'm the same. Come on, one more time. Let's hear it.

Just don't stop giggling. No, stop giggling. I need you to show me your true rage. Rianne, you're not talking to Conan O'Brien on a zoom from the Philippines. This is real. Three, two, one, go. Move, motherfucker.

I love the laughing afterwards. I keep thinking about how my mom's going to listen to this. Oh, your mom isn't going to hear this.

Does your mom even know who I am? Oh, yeah. My parents love you. You're their favorite late night host. Oh, that's nice. My dad thinks you're hilarious. Oh, good. Well, they sound like lovely people. I think my mom likes you. My mom likes you the best because you're the one that went to Harvard, she says. Wow. She's an Asian mom. Always the best sign of who's funny. The funny one must have gone to an Ivy League school. Okay.

Because that's where the funny people come from. So your challenges in life, if I can sum up, Rianne, are that you wish you were a little taller, right? Because you are, did you say four foot 10? Okay. And you have to rely on your towering boyfriend who's five foot seven. You don't like going to the market and you don't like going to theme parks because they think you're a child. Yes. And then you have an

Insane road rage when you're driving through the Philippines. Is that right? Yeah. What about concerts? What do you mean insane...

Exactly. Yeah. Sona, you get me. I do. I never, I never like sit in the, or stay in the mosh pit section because I'll get crushed and I will not see anything. So I stay up in the stands where it's safe and I can see things. Yeah. But also, concerts. You probably have a good view sometimes but then someone else stands in front of you and blocks your view and you want to get mad at them but then it turns out it's an eight-year-old. Yeah.

Not an eight-year-old. I'm sorry. I meant to say nine-year-old. Well, you seem like

I know that you have these challenges, but you seem like you're having a good life. You seem like a happy person. Yeah, pretty happy. I guess I've adapted to it. Like you change your personality a little bit when you're tiny to keep up with all the other talls of the world. You call us the talls? Is what you call us? Yeah. Yes. We're like the white walkers. The talls are coming. They can only be killed with blue ice. Yeah.

Yeah. The shorts have their own organization. Shorts versus the talls. Well, let me ask you something, Rianne. If I were to come visit you, what kinds of things would we do together? Well, first, I think I'd need your help to run.

errands. I think if it's okay with you, I would like your help first to just generally send a message of unity with talls and shorts in general. Oh, you want me to be, you want me to

To go with you, run errands, right? Because I can use my height to assist you. Exactly. But you also want me to be kind of an ambassador? Yes, exactly. Just to show people that short and tall people can coexist and help each other. Yes, yes. It's like that song, Ebony and Ivory. Exactly. Except there isn't one for tall people and short people. And we need that. So we'd write one of our own, yeah.

Yeah, we'd write maybe a song about how tall people and short people should all live in harmony.

Correct. And then after that... I don't think tall people and short people are constantly at war. I don't think there's a big battle. The talls versus the shorts. I don't know if... Yeah, I don't know if that happens. But at concerts, you probably have stood in front of a shorter person. I love to do that. Conan! I love to sit in front of a shorter person, wait till the really good part in the concert, stand, and then put on an Abe Lincoln hat. Okay.

Just to completely block. I think it's funny. What a dick. Yeah. That's awful. Yeah, I wear a t-shirt that says I'm a dick. Oh.

Some trips are better in an Airbnb. It's just true. Like the trip you want to take with extended family where you want to stay close, but not all be sharing one bathroom. That's key for me. Okay, that's why Airbnb is the choice I often want to make. Or, for example, the couple's getaway where you'd rather have your own pool than share one with a bunch of strangers. Ugh. Oh, when I'm in a pool with strangers, I start shrieking. Oh.

Okay, that's weird. Or that last minute local getaway when you just really need to get out of the city for the weekend but don't want to deal with the airport. You know, I have to say, I've used Airbnb a couple of times and it always makes me feel like I'm at home even when I'm away. Do you have that? I do too. I mean, I have, you know, I have two small kids who are loud and so when I'm in a hotel, I feel a little uncomfortable. Well, you're loud too. Oh, yes. Okay.

Okay, yeah, we're all allowed. And then in an Airbnb, I just feel much more comfortable traveling. You're not a self-conscious. No. Yeah, and also, you're staying in someone's home. It's got that vibe of comfort, relaxation, normalcy instead of some stuffy hotel. Yeah. I don't want a mint on my pillow. Oh.

Hey, Blay, you use Airbnb, don't you? I do. I love it. And I will say, staying in someone's place really does add a lot. I'm a huge Stephen King fan, and the last Airbnb I stayed in had this book, From a Buick 8, which is one of the few Stephen King books I haven't read. So I actually started reading it in the Airbnb. It was pretty awesome. And you know what I do sometimes when I'm at an Airbnb? I often travel with a picture of myself in a frame. Oh, boy. And I take it out, and I put it up, and it feels like home. Yeah.

I travel with my own framed headshot. Do you leave it there as a gift? No. That's mine. Those things are precious. So if you're booking a trip soon, my number one tip is to check out Airbnb first to find the perfect place to stay because your accommodation really does make all the difference. We had a birthday party here at the office the other day, and they brought out this cake. Yeah.

And there was this really cool like flour made of frosting right in the middle of the cake. Someone scooped it out just to eat that flour. I hate that. Yeah. That person to me is a villain. A true villain. You should fire them. A monster. If I could, there's no camera I can, I've looked, I've looked for the tape. Gross. Whoever did it must pay. And I want to say to that person, if I found them and I saw them eating that flour that they cut out of the middle of the cake, I'd say, how do you sleep at night? Yeah. How do you sleep at night? And you know what? I think I know what they'd say. They'd say mattress firm. Yeah.

That's the problem. They'd turn it into an ad. It's interesting that you would know what they would say, but you have no idea what the person- They'd have frosting all over their mouth. And it's a mattress firm. Rest easy with mattress firms. 120 night sleep trial. Love it or your money back. Hey, I love to hear that. I love being able to give stuff back if I don't like it. And you often do. Every present I've given you over the last couple of years has ended up in the give bag bin. Your mattress is important for a good night's sleep and mattress firm has quality mattresses at every price.

For your best rest, Mattress Firm offers free and fast delivery to your door. In my day, you had to go to the mattress store and you had to carry it down the highway with your friend Eric. Not anymore. Get matched at Mattress Firm's semi-annual sale and clearance and sleep at night. Text Conan to 766693 for $100 off your next purchase at Mattress Firm. Restrictions apply. See mattressfirm.com or store for details.

Hey, get ready to tackle the NFL action with FanDuel, America's number one sportsbook. Yep, because right now new customers can bet $5 and get $150 in bonus bets if you win. Here's how it works. The FanDuel sportsbook app gives you everything you need to place live bets on the NFL all in one place. So when you get a hunch in the middle of the game, you can check out the latest stats, view live play-by-play, so much more on the same page where

where you place your bets. I know this is your thing, Blay. That's right. Detroit Lions, man, first in the NFC North right now. They're doing great. 9-1-0. Now, you feel like when you place a bet or something, you got a little skin in the game. It probably raises your adrenaline a little bit when you're watching. That's right. And I love the live play-by-play because I can't always be near a television when the game's going on so I can follow along in the app. It's fantastic.

Well, it's hard for you to be near a TV because you're just a man of the world. You're always wandering around. You're like Johnny Appleseed. Wow, that's really nice. Thank you. Yeah, except he did a positive thing by planting apple trees. I don't know what you're doing. Anyway, you're just looking at your FanDuel screen. Anyway, visit FanDuel.com slash Conan to join today. You'll get started with $150 in bonus bets if you win your first $5 bet. That's FanDuel.com slash Conan. Never waste a hunch. Make every moment more with FanDuel, an official sportsbook partner.

This message is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Okay, Sona, what are your self-care non-negotiables? I mean, obviously, washing my face every morning and night and then, you know, taking some time to myself, relaxing a little. Right, because you've got a stressful life. You've got twins. Yes. And, you know, when your schedule's packed with kids' activities, big work projects, it's easy to let your priorities slip. You forget you're taking care of other people. You're not taking care of yourself. Mm-hmm.

And even when we know what makes us happy, sometimes it's hard to make time for it. We don't prioritize ourselves in general. But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. That's actually when you need it the most.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Okay? It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. My advice to you, never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Conan today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Conan.

Hey, Rianne, do you think that because of your size, you say it affects your personality? How does it affect your personality at work? Do you ever think you overcompensate at work? Maybe not overcompensate. Just be a bit more...

Because sometimes if I say something, maybe during a meeting, the reaction can be a little bit like, good job, kid. Great, great idea. Oh, that's very, that's patronizing. Our new intern is just, yeah. And they like to...

They always end up calling me Riri. I never introduced myself as Riri. It feels like a microaggression. Like, why are you diminutizing my name? Yes, your name is... I mean, if people call you Riri, they should have your permission. You should be telling them that's my name. People are calling you Riri without your permission? Mm-hmm. I think it matches the visual more.

I don't like that. That has to be with your permission. And maybe if I'm with you,

Because I'm not just tall, but I'm also very strong and a good fighter. Quiet. Are you? Oh, okay. Okay. And she's surprised. Hey, cool it, Riri. Cool it, Riri. No, but what I'm saying is I would stick up for you. If I was with you, I would stand next to you and I would stick up with you and no one would call you Riri.

When I was standing next to you, okay, no one would block your view. No one would be condescending. And I would be your protector, your guardian angel. What do you think of that? I think that sounds perfect and would very much like for that to happen. Do you think knowing what you know about me that I'd be accepted in the Philippines? I think there's a lot of places you wouldn't fit.

Like generally stuff is built. So I was looking around my office the other day, genuinely thinking that whether would Conan fit into this? Would Conan fit into the elevator I just got in? I think. I'm sorry. I meant culturally accepted. Culturally. Not what I physically fit through the doorway. Right, right. Are you living? Rianne, are you living in Legoland? I mean, what's going on?

No, no, no. Culturally, we're typically very welcoming. We're a super friendly population. But I think what might help you more is if you claim to be a little bit Filipino. You say you're 99% Irish, right? 100%. 100% Irish. Oh, I... Okay. So you're saying I should... You think I should lie and say that I'm... I have some... I'm part Filipino. Is that what you're saying?

Because Filipinos will claim anyone who just has like 1% Filipino DNA and immediately love you. They'll go kababayan, which means like countryman. Okay. Well, I don't want to be guilty of cultural appropriation. But if I have your permission to lie and say that I'm 1% Filipino, then I think I have your permission. I can do it. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, is it a lie or can we just not know definitively? It's a lie. It's an absolute lie. Yeah, it's such a lie. No one looking at me thinks there's any... An iota. Iota of Philippines. Of anything that's not just a white Irish man. Okay, all right. Yeah, not even a tiny little drop of anything. Not 0.2% of you. Nothing. No, it's possible. No, it's not possible at all. I could be Cuban. I'm very...

10 up real nice. 10 up real nice. Rhiann, this is a good education for me. I'm going to tell you, here's what I'm going to say. I think that...

You seem like a very funny person. You have a good sense of humor. I like Rianne's personality a lot. I like Rianne too. I like you a lot. I think you're cool. Yeah, you seem really cool. And so I bet you're getting through life just fine, even if you're a little shorter than you'd like to be. I don't think that's getting in your way. Are you in your apartment right now?

Because there's a cat behind you. Yeah. I just know this here as well. Yes. I went home and that's my cat. That's your cat. What's your cat's name? Cat. It's a type of small orange cat.

Your name for your cat is cat? Cat, cat. Cat, cat. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And that's your sofa behind you? Is that sofa? Conan, what? I'm sorry. Are you asking? I'm just, I don't know. I don't know what cat. Is that your sofa? That's that's that sofa behind you in your apartment. Is that yours? Yes.

It's called fishing. I'm the fishing magician. Can you wear heels that are as high as you can possibly want them to be? And you're like, you know, that's the thing that's cool is that you could wear the highest, highest heels, like six, seven inch heels. Have you ever done that? Have you ever put on heels that make you six or seven inches taller?

Not six or seven inches, maybe four inches, but they hurt. I know, but sometimes the things we have to do, you know, if you put on seven inch heels and then you wore a Burger King crown, you'd be a very tall, tall drink of water. It has to be a Burger King crown though.

I'm sorry. Which they would give me because they think I'm a child. Yes. Unfortunately, that's true. Yeah. Does that ever happen where you go and they give you kids toys and things because they think you're a kid?

Oh, I get given the kids menu quite a bit in restaurants. Oh, really? Which is fine. Kids menus are fun. Yeah. Do you like chicken nuggets and french fries? Yeah. Have they ever handed you- Macaroni and cheese. Have they ever handed you crayons with your menu? Oh, no. I don't think that's a thing here. Probably if it were, they would have. Okay. That's an American thing. They give the kids crayons. Do they do that with your kids? All the time. Yeah. Yeah, it's cute. Yeah. It's sweet. Yeah. Yeah. It's appropriate for those kids. Yeah.

Okay. Brianne, it's called editing and we're going to do some, but this is fantastic. We've got everything we need. I mean, it's really great. And I think you and I would have a good time if we went to the Philippines. What kind of errands would we run together?

Going to the grocery store is one. Backing me up at work, probably. Helping me stand. If I were going to, like, say, an improv show or a drag show where it's standing room only, maybe you could help muscle the crowd so I can see better. Mm.

Or you say you're strong, just lift me on your shoulders so I can see better at the shows. Okay. That all sounds like stuff I could do. Create a barrier around her so people can't stand. Yeah, I could create a barrier. There's a natural barrier that comes with my celebrity. People are like, oh my God, it's Conan O'Brien and they tend to step back.

I'm going to say in awe, which isn't true, but I could help you. I'd help you. You want me to come all the way to the Philippines so you have a better view at an improv show. Correct. Sounds like a great use of your time. Wouldn't you agree?

I'm not nothing else much. So I might as well do that. You could be like her, her, her bodyguard, you know, and then walk around. And also you add extra inches with your hair. Maybe you could pompadour it up a little bit too. I mean, just a lot of, I don't know, illusions. You mean me? You, you,

You add inches to your height with your hair. I mean, maybe she can do her hair so that it's a little higher. Oh, Rianne could do a Conan. Yeah. If you had my hairstyle, you'd be six inches taller. No, you don't want my hair? Maybe, yeah, maybe I should stick to my lane. It looks great on you. It looks great on you. Thank you. Love it. Yeah, love it for me. Just not for any other human.

And tell me just before we go about your boyfriend. Uh,

What's his name? Carlo. Carlo. And he's a good guy? Yeah. He's a lawyer, so that comes with a lot of hurt. Okay. He's a good guy. He's a lawyer. Yeah. Well, I look forward, maybe I'll meet Carlo too. Is that possible? Yeah. He's also a big fan. We love to listen to the podcast together. Oh, good. You listen to the podcast together. Good. I don't want Carlo to be jealous or anything if I come to town, you know? Sometimes.

Sometimes. Such a hard laugh. Why are you laughing at the very idea that Carlo would be jealous? No. I'm a threat. Who's laughing? I think I'm a real legitimate threat to any male. Why would you laugh at that, Rianne? I was...

Okay, forget it. I've decided no Philippines. You are a legitimate threat. I was laughing at him. Now you sound like a hostage. Yeah, you are. So scary. Well, Rhian, you're really funny and you seem really nice and cool. And I hope our paths cross. But in the meantime, I want you to walk tall because your spirit, you have the spirit of a giant.

And that should be enough, don't you think? It means a lot coming from a giant.

Well, thank you very much, Rhiann. And you take care. Thank you. And you guys take care too. Bye-bye. Nice to meet you. Bye. Nice to meet you. Bye-bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down there.

Get charged up for the all-electric Acura ZDX. Experience impressive range, your choice of complimentary charging packages, a bang and olfsen premium sound system, and a three-month SiriusXM trial subscription, granting you access to ad-free music, plus sports, news, podcasts, and more. Visit your local Acura dealer for the most electrifying offers of the season and lease the ZDX for $0 first month's payment and $1 due at signing. Make your future electric.

Accura. Precision. Crafted. Performance. All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait. T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay. I'm gonna leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel.

Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply.