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Hi, my name is Paul Scheer. And I feel sanguine about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, here they come.
Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Sitting here with my peeps, Sona Movsesian, Matt Gorley. Sona, you seem pretty chipper. What's going on? I, uh... You have a microphone right in front of you. Come on, man. You are a fucking foghorn. Just, wasn't that loud? No! Matt, please tell me. I can hear me! No, no, no, no. You have to choose. Do you want to live with mommy or with daddy? I want to live at the orphanage.
Sona, I'm just next to you. Eduardo, why don't you... It was a little loud. Come on! Just try to just be... Just use your voice and we're all here. And guess what? We love you. It's when you talk quietly to talk about how loud I am. It just really gets me. That's what really pisses me off. Okay, I'm really sorry. Don't do that. Don't do that. So tell us... Can we move on? Yes, let's move on. I don't know if... Okay. You seemed like you were in a good mood.
I was. And then you were in such a good mood. I was in a good mood. You were screaming into a mic inches from your face. What happened that made you happy? Okay, so I went to Las Vegas for the date to be on a panel at a conference. Wait, why were you on a panel? I,
I don't know. Who would put you on a panel? Seriously, why are you on a panel? Not only that. Who else was on the panel? Snuffleupagus? Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. I'm choking. I would love to see the panel. It starts with Sona and then it's like Snuffleupagus. Oh, my God. A beach pal with a face painted on it.
Why was that a bowl of nectarines? And we've got our panel. I'm sorry, Sonia, I didn't mean to put you down. Oh, my God. At the NAB show in Vegas. What's a NAB show? NAB is the National Association of Broadcasters. And then I was part of the BEA...
It's named after Bea Arthur? Oh, God. I hate it here so much. So let's get through this because I want to get through the explaining of this. And I was on a panel. You're right. I was on a panel with the chief content officer of one media company and then the chief financial officer of another media company. And it was the three of us. This is the greatest scam in the world. And you were there as...
In what capacity? As someone who's on a very popular podcast. Which one's that? A clown. Wait, so you were there because of this podcast? Because of this podcast, I went to Vegas for a day. Do you get invited to stuff like this? No. I don't think I got invited to this. I'm sure you guys get invited. I say yes to everything. Plus, my cousin works for the company that asked me to do it. And I was happy to do it. Oh.
Oh, yeah. Explanation received. But I just want you guys to know I am representing this podcast in an official forum. But okay, so a relative works for the company. Yeah, so we went to Vegas for the, we flew out and then I had- Who's we? Me and Tack. Okay. So we flew out and then we had time for lunch beforehand. So we went to the Encore restaurant
And then we went to this place called Wazuzu and the waiter, I remember his name is Taylor. I remember this so vividly. Okay. Is a huge fan of this podcast. And then my meal was comped. No. Yes! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because, and I say this with all kindness, but you and Tack, you like, you know. Oh, no. You like drinks. You like, I mean, it's not going to be cheap is all I'm going to say. No.
That is not true. What do you mean? Because TAC doesn't go crazy. I do. But yeah, we, but it's Vegas. So it's like not a cheap meal. It's an expensive meal. And you said Taylor, Taylor being man. He's a man. Yeah. Taylor being man. Taylor being man. That's the line. That's the line. It was, that's the line. It was cut out of Planet of the Apes. Taylor being man. Yeah. You are not welcome in the forbidden zone.
Okay. So Taylor said hi. What did Taylor said that he liked about the podcast? First of all, it's cool he recognized you. Okay. So that's the other thing. It was a, oh, you look familiar thing. And then he asked me why I was there. I was like, I'm on a panel. I'm on this podcast. He's like, okay. And then I think he went back and then like Googled me because I don't think he was sure who I was. Right. And then he's like, I'm a big fan of yours. He saw your photo by the cash register and said, do not cash your check. Okay.
That's how I know you. From the podcast and you're under arrest.
Wait, so, okay, he recognizes you from the podcast. He's a fan. That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he watches our videos all the time. Shout out to Taylor who works at, what's it called? At Wazuzu at the Encore. What kind of food is Wazuzu? It's Asian fusion. It's delicious. If they want to send us stuff, I'm cool with that. No, I don't think that's very, I don't think you should be asking for free food. He comped you a meal, and I think that's enough. I don't think, I think now extorting Wazuzu. And by the way, I'm not sure Asian fusion ships well. Are they going to?
Put a couple of dumplings in a FedEx tube and send it through the desert to get here to Larchmont? That's fantastic. Hey, over the weekend, this tube showed up. Or maybe it was last weekend. Thanks, EB. Let's crack it open. An armadillo comes out with soy sauce all over his mouth.
I mean, that's insanity. Wazuzu, you sound like an amazing place, but please don't send us any food, even though I'm sure it's amazing we want to come in person and then be comped. Do you find yourself getting comped much in life? That's the first time.
time. I was really excited about it because I always said, you know, people were like, oh, you know, more and more people know who you are because the podcast is so big. And I'm like, you're not really famous until you get either a meal comp or you get same day reservations at a cool restaurant. And
I got comped, so I'm officially an A-lister. That's really good. I have to say it's true. Oh my God, I'm sitting here with a real celebrity. Finally. It's me and Brad Pitt. That's nice. I constantly test how we're doing by choosing very, very popular hard-to-get-into restaurants. And what I do is I show up on a Saturday night at like 7.30, and I just walk in and said, Conan O'Brien here, and I'm demand-
table for 15. And I've always been told, get the fuck out of here. But one day... Even when you have a reservation, you show up and they say, get the fuck out of here. Even when I have a reservation that I've had for months...
And I show up and I go, by the way, it's that Conan O'Brien. They say, get the fuck out of here. And my family and friends all wave to me from the table as I'm escorted out. They're all seated. Oh, they're all seated. And they still bill you. They still bill me. But that's the way to test. Yeah. And I've not, I'll know the day I can walk in and go, yeah, table for 15, Conan O'Brien. If Conan O'Brien needs a friend, deal with it.
Then I'm going to know that I've been, if I'm seated right away, that we finally cracked it. I don't think that's ever going to happen. I don't know what to say because I've made a lot of same-day reservations for you. It's always, people love to accommodate you. Why would you? Didn't you say at Din Tai Fung they wouldn't take him? Oh, that was my favorite. Yeah. You remember when...
We went to the one at the original one in Arcadia. And you're like, watch this, basically. I didn't do. I never say, well, OK, I think I did. I said we were in Arcadia. Yes. To the original Dim Tai Fung. Dim Tai Fung. Dim Tai Fung. And I we were really hungry. And I thought, well, it all kidding aside, people are quite nice to me and they they tend to recognize this puss. So I. Yes.
I'm sorry, before, it's notorious for having a very long wait, especially that original. Regardless of the puss. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I, hey, God bless them. They said, as nicely as possible, go away.
But I remember it wasn't that long. I actually remember it wasn't that long. It wasn't. And you know what? You gave your name. They didn't give you any sort of leeway on the wait time. I remember it made no difference that it was you. But then you went outside and we were waiting in the parking lot and people kept coming up to you to take pictures. Oh, and my favorite part is some of them were from the restaurant. My favorite is when people from the restaurant are like, can we have a picture? Yeah, sure. Thanks. I'm a big fan. How long away do you? Fuck!
Oh, man. Okay, good times. Hey, listen, I don't think celebrities should be treated especially. I think we should be treated worse than other people. I agree. Well, I'm not a celebrity, so I'm fine. If I ever come to your restaurant, you are free to comp me. I can't wait till I have a restaurant that specializes in Irish food from 1902. Oh, God.
Do you want a tatoe with your tatoe? All right, we got to get into it. And then I got to start my restaurant. My guest today hosts the podcast, How Did This Get Made? I was on this podcast. I really loved it. Now he has a new memoir titled Joyful Recollections of Trauma. Really love this guy. I'm excited he's here today. Paul Scheer, welcome.
I'm going to point out, Paul. Yeah. And I am a big fan of yours and I admire you greatly. So for you to say that you're just sanguine about being my friend is a real. Optimistic. It's a kick in the crotch. Wow. Jesus. You see, to me, I'm coming in. It's a death blow. It's a death chop. Oh, oh.
Yeah, I'm breast-drenched you because I know your husband's a karate expert. Does he do judo? No, he does karate. He does karate. I'm trying to come in not too high up and not too low, just saying, hey, I feel cautiously optimistic. You don't need to explain that. I think that's fair. He's a psychopath. I am, no, excuse me, sociopath. Oh, sorry.
There's a difference. Well, you'll get there. I'm an aspirational sociopath. I'm a sociopath who's working very hard to make it a psychopath. And I take night classes. I'm looking sanguine about your opportunities. Thank you. So many people are able to make that crossover, and I think it's really important. Very few of us have done it. Just me and Bill Maher. We're the only two. I'm so happy to be here at Club Random. I've seen...
I saw Bill Maher do that club random and he has so many tissue boxes around. I'm like, why is he blowing his nose so much on air? I'll tell you later. We'll talk later. We have a lot. Let's just say. It's also, why is he wearing tearaway pants? You know? Listen. What the? He's got a...
I don't want to talk about this anymore. You brought it up. I wish the man well. I wish the man well. Stories about pellet cases that will make you upset, but you know. Paul. Yes. And if I can call you Paul, that would be a great honor. Please, yeah, you can do it. Okay. Paul, I've always enjoyed you. And then I had a great experience with you. You and your cohorts had me on your podcast. Yes. I want to say about five years ago on How Did This Get Made. Yeah. And I had an absolute blast.
I believe we were talking about the film Look Who's Talking 2. Yes, where more babies are talking. I think in that one even the dogs are talking or... I think everything's talking. Inanimate objects. Occasionally a chair will say, look at that baby, you know? And I think it was Danny... Am I right? Is it Danny DeVito? You may not remember because you guys do so many movies. We watch so many bad movies, but I believe you're right. I think it is Danny DeVito and...
Like, Roseanne Barr might have been the baby, yeah. And it's such a strange concept because the babies are talking, but they also have institutional knowledge about things that only adults would have. Yeah, they are. Like, I wish I had a cigar right now. It's like you're... Okay, it's one thing...
I'm sorry. What's the concept again? You've lived a full life and you're trapped in a baby's body? Or this is how all babies speak? That's what makes it so upsetting because at one point they must get amnesia, right? Because while they can't speak, they're thinking all these horrible thoughts. Like, oh, look at those boobs on that lady. And it's like, oh...
God, you know, it's like, give me a drink. And it's like, well, and then something. Jesus, I could use a drink right now. God, I'd like to shtup her. And you think, well, you came out of...
You came out of the uterus, I think, eight months ago. They all came out. Yeah, they had this energy. And then, you know, I get it for the dogs. Dogs have been around. When the dogs start talking, they've seen some stuff. Dogs have seen stuff and they have a memory that I think is passed on almost genetically. Dogs have a wisdom. And when my dog looks at me, he knows. But no, the fact that a baby is like looking around going like, I'd like to grab that ass. Yeah.
And to me, I give her the ride of a lifetime. And to me to have a movie where you go in and pitch it, it's like, yeah, the babies are talking. But then there's also like this core, like romance problem in the center of it. It is still about like a husband and wife, but they never interact with the talking babies. No, the babies are having their own subplot. Yeah. Not connected to the adults at all. Right. Right. It absolutely. Like the babies are on a telephone trying to get liquor from the liquor store. Hey,
I haven't had a drink in eight years. How old are you? Six months. I think I do think in the third one, because we did the third one after you, that they do solve a crime. The babies do solve a crime. They see a burglar come in and they set up a trap in their baby language. They're able to communicate in their baby language, meaning the language of people in their 50s. But by the way, they are telepathically communicating because they're not even speaking and they're just looking at each other. Here's what it's proof of, if nothing else, that.
If this movie is the reality, and I think it is a very truthful scientific movie...
It was based in a lot of science. I believe that we are born in our highest, most elevated form, and then we de-evolve as we get older because we can speak telepathically. We have long memories of a rich sexual past, even though we don't really have our secondary sexual characteristics. Slightly racist, slightly sexist. Yeah. I do think there... Do you think that there is something true to the fact that babies can see ghosts? Because...
I've heard a lot of these stories that babies and like young children, they don't know that they're not supposed to believe in this stuff. And when I was shooting this movie in New Orleans once, Tom Lennon, his kid was about three years old and he went down to tie a shoe and he started talking to a person in the sewer grate. And he's like, oh, and then and occasionally all throughout his time in New Orleans would see different people and having conversations with them. And New Orleans, the most haunted city in the world,
I don't know. Like, do you think that his son is crazy or do you think the kids can maybe see? I think it's New Orleans and people sometimes live in sewer grates. OK, so, you know, and I think there are other cities. I think Portland's one. I mean, I think there are I think there are certain cities where Portland, it's expensive to live in a sewer grate. You can get a nice sewer grate for about fifteen hundred.
I think the person in the sewer grate was complaining to the little boy that it was $2,000 a month to live in the sewer grate. But it's right on the park. It's really nice, though. It's really nice. I barely spent time here. Park sewer. I looked at so many sewers.
I take the shower at the sports club. It's great. So that's how I sort of like first got to I felt like I work with you, even though we've been traveling in similar circles for a very long time. Well, you started my career. I always say that you started my career. I had to get a SAG card because of working on your show.
It was my favorite thing. It was and it was a great day to hang out in that hallway. You just sit in these chairs in this hallway. People come in and out and you'd watch weird guest stars doing sometimes weird things. I remember Gene Simmons being the weirdest, just trolling the hallways, trying to knock on different people's doors and just get in there. And just I do remember, though, the only bit I ever said no to.
on your show was I got this call and the casting director was like, Paul, we have a really great bit for you. And I was like, oh, can't wait. And they're like, so Conan's going to come into the audience and he's going to have a razor on him and he's going to shave you bald. And I was like, uh-huh. And I was like, I don't know because I was already losing my hair at that point, but I didn't know if I could commit to getting my head shaved on TV. Also, do you realize they're probably pitching this to you before they've pitched it to me? Ha ha ha!
So there's a chance. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sometimes they were calling around and saying, would you do it? Yeah. We're going to take a 22 caliber rifle and shoot you in the shoulder. And you're like, well, how is this funny? Trust me. And Conan's a pretty good shot. So he won't hit a major artery. And they haven't even pitched it to me yet. Or we'll shoot you at rehearsal and then cut it as you're bleeding out.
Which is my favorite thing. It was the crazy moment, but I was like, oh, I want to do this bit. This would be really funny, but I was so nervous to really commit to shaving off my full head of hair for a bit. So I did say no, and I always felt badly about it. It crippled your career. Did anyone do it? Did someone go on and do it? Someone did it. I believe it might have been Andy Blitz. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Andy Blitz would do that even if it wasn't a sketch. I mean, I have such fond memories of that era and just so much talent around New York City. And all of us had this idea of what we thought was funny, which was quite at odds with what the people I was working for thought was funny, which was often a problem. But-
I know that you came up with Jack McBrayer. I think you guys were in, were you in UCB together? Yeah, Jack and I were in a show together called Sheer McBrayer or Ghost Ship. And then we also were performing every Saturday together in a group called Respecto Montalban. Okay. The title's alone.
Ghost Ship was a show where Jack and I improvised just two-man improv show and every time we would reference the movie Ghost Ship. And that was the only thing that connected the show. My conceit was always that the ship was a ghost and
And Jack believed that people were dead on the ship and there were ghosts on the ship. And that was, yeah. Here's my, I've talked about this before, but I cannot say enough. I've known Jack and I swear to God, I'm friends with Jack and have been friends with Jack for years and years and years and years and years. I've never had a real conversation with him because...
I always, the minute I see him go into the A-hole city slicker. Oh, yeah. And he goes into the put-upon rube. We'll do that for 45 minutes. Yeah. And I've often thought...
Someday, one of us is going to be on death's door in the hospital. Let's just say I go in and let's just say it's Jack because he doesn't take care of himself the way I do. And I'm going to know it and Jack's going to know it that these are his last. He's probably going to go later today and he's in the hospital and everyone's getting a minute just to say hi. I know for a fact I'm going to go in and say, wait.
Well, well, well. Now, don't you be afraid about these doctor fellas. I know they didn't have them back home. He's going to go, sir, I'm quite familiar with what I. By the way, it would be a real moment. You can't. Jack is one of the funniest people, but that's a sign that he likes you and more than likes you, loves you because he won't do that with everybody. But you will get into bits with him that will last forever.
for literally years. And then sometimes you don't know where the bit is and where Jack begins because as I know Jack, I think every day he spends by his pool drinking Bud Lights. I think that's the only, that's what I, I mean, oh yeah, that's Jack's like. Also, he's the last person on earth who hasn't heard you're not supposed to lay in the sun. Oh yeah, Jack. And get a deep dark tan. Isn't he a big Mountain Dew guy too? Oh yeah, Mountain Dew. Yeah, Mountain Dew. But he pours Bud Light into it.
Yeah, Mountain Dew and Bud Light and By the Pool. Maybe mixing those two things together, it's like a suntan lotion for your inside. It pushes the cancer out. It's an oral sun cream. The cancer's like, it's too rough here. I don't need to be in the sun. Some dermatologists around the world are starting to say, McBrayer's on to something. He might have broken through. ♪
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You've written a book, Joyful Recollections of Trauma. Yes. First of all, I can't think of a better way for especially a comedian or someone in comedy to sum up. This weird line we have between there were things that moments in our childhood that we feel in the moment brought us great anxiety, fear, anxiety.
unhappiness, anger. And then now we realize, oh, it was all part of the stew. It's interesting because you tell these stories that are part of your life and that you maybe have no spin on. It's like, oh yeah, this just happened. I remember I was telling my wife, I was like, oh yeah, I never opened the door for strangers because my grandma told me about
this butcher who would, you know, kill kids and chop them up into chop meat. And June would be like, my wife was like, wait, what do you mean? I'm like, yeah, the butcher, you know, she, the story all kids hear from their grandmother. And my, and my grandma told me the story where she's like, you know, she's like, you can't open the door because if you open the door, the butcher will come in and his steps will come up the stairs and he'll grab you and he'll put you in a sack.
And I'm like, uh-huh. And she's like, it happened right around the corner. And then the end of the story was the mom goes to the butcher. She orders some chopped meat. She starts making the chopped meat. She's grinding it up and she puts it in the pan. And as she puts it in the pan, the chopped meat goes...
No! No! That image, I mean, I know it can't exist, like the look who's talking babies. No, it could. Is your grandma a Grimm's brother? Yeah. That frightened me. This butcher. I was like, yeah, there's a butcher who lives in our neighborhood who chops up children. But also, Paul, occasionally, your grandmother should know, occasionally someone needs to come into the house. Yeah.
Occasionally, someone does need to come in. Never going to let anyone in. Do not chop me up, butcher. You will not get me. Yeah, we're here to pick up the rug. Oh, my God. Yeah, no. So you must have had, because you talk about this very honestly in your book, parents divorced when you were very young, a stepfather comes into the picture who's, you know, physically and emotionally abusive. Yeah. So you're dealing with that, and it's not...
Of course, none of that is funny, but you had a very singular childhood. And then you describe later in your life, you're talking to your friends and you're saying, just as you did right now, you know, when your grandmother tells you that if anyone comes in the house, they'll chop you up and then you'll become a talking hamburger helpmate. You know,
No, you've had people say, no, Paul, that's not a normal child. Not what you do. I mean, like you don't like I remember I raised money to go into the city to go see a naked woman. That was the only job that I was like, I'm like, we heard about naked women. We were like, we didn't have any access to naked women. We were close to the city. And me and my friends were like, let's go get some money. We'll go into the city and we'll find and we just know how.
I think we were like freshmen in high school. Like, you know, so we were a little, yeah, I went to a Catholic school. They didn't really talk about sex. It was very, you know, it's not discussed. No, it's not. I mean, the craziest thing is my health class was taught by my phys ed instructor, which is I think a normal thing. And there was a very shy girl in our class, lovely girl. And she got up to go to the bathroom and the gym teacher was like,
I got it. I got a good plan. I got a good plan here. And so she gets up and he takes this dildo out of his desk. Now, I have never at this point seen this. You just think it's a rubber cucumber. I'm like, what? I mean, I'm shocked because it's like, all right. So and he goes, all right, all right.
And he shoves it in her lunch bag. And we're all waiting there. And he's like, okay, she's coming back. She's coming back. Everybody calm down. And so we're all sitting there waiting. And this very sweet girl, very shy, very nice, you know, starts to take out her sandwich. And he goes, hey, Stephanie.
what the hell? And he rips out this dildo. And he's like, what is this doing in your bag? And he starts waving it in the air. And then the entire, it's like a Carrie moment. The entire class starts laughing. And you're like, and that way, you know, and we're like, and he's like, I just got you. I got you. This is not real. It's not. I didn't just get you. Oh my God. That's your person. Yeah.
We need names now. We need to go back. We need to find this guy. Yeah. And this is like and that was a story that I like. I like again. I was like, oh, yeah, that that's as close as I got to understanding anything about sex in school. Like seeing that dildo shoved in that girl's lunch and humiliated. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I guess that's what sex is. This is this is about all the details I have. Oh, that's horrible. Jesus Christ.
But I mean, you know, you you you as a kid, you get very interested in obsessed with making tapes of things. Oh, yeah. You want it. You want to record everything and make tapes to the extent that you made your own video store. Pretty much. Yeah, I made my own. I loved VHS movies and I wanted to like that was to me the dream to own my own video store. I felt like that was fantastic.
You can't get any better than that. You have all these things at your disposal. It's funny. That was your dream job. When I was a kid, I remembered seeing a toll booth operator. My parents driving through. We were going through the Sumner Tunnel or coming out of it in Boston. And we went through a toll booth. And I remember thinking, that's the life. I looked at a guy standing in a booth and I just thought that would be cool. Yeah. Because there's no homework.
and no one to boss you around. And you just, and it's a pretty simple job. And then you get to go home and watch cartoons. And I remember thinking, but so yours was video store owner. Mine was toll booth operator on route 128 in Boston. But those moments, it's like, you'd get connected. I was like,
I could get never ending story. I'd be at the top of the list because back in the day when you wanted to get a video, you'd have to put your name on a list and then they call you like, all right, you know, never ending stories and you can come in and get it, but come, but if you don't come before five, next person on the list is getting called. And so I was obsessed with doing this. It's like being an organ donor. Except the stakes are so much. They bring you.
You've been approved for never ending story. It's coming to you in a cooler. Just drop what we're doing. We've got to get it. We've got to see that kid fly on that dog. But then it became this thing where I started having these movies and people found out about it. And I would run a video store out of my high school where teachers would be like, Hey, yeah, yeah. Ferris Bueller. Can I borrow Ferris Bueller? I was like,
All right. You can borrow. Like teachers were holding me back in class for me to pass them. That's so cool. VHS tapes. And I felt like, all right, this is, this is my thing now. Also, I love the idea that you thought, and this will never end. Yeah. This is the, this is the job, the medium, nothing. It's gold.
I know how to put things on VHS. And if you want them, there's no other way to see it. But it was like for this, like a little bit of time, like working at Blockbuster. It was the best. You were like, this is it.
We ran a fake autograph signing at my Blockbuster because there's a girl that just looked like Jamie Girtz. And we decided that we were going to her. I know her. We were like, hey, can you call your friend and have her come in? We'll set up a table and we'll make her sign a poster. And then we realized there was no Jamie Girtz movies, but there was an Ally Sheedy movie that we had a poster for. Everything is wrong. It's a fake Jamie Girtz.
signing Ally Sheedy's autograph. Everything's wrong. We just like set up an autograph. They're like, meet Ally, you know, like meet Jamie Girtz and be like, who's Jamie Girtz from Lost Boys. They're like, and we hung up this poster in our blockbuster that said Jamie Girtz on an Ally Sheedy movie poster in the front window for months. And
And how did it go over? Did people get excited? People were excited. People have pictures of it. People have sent me pictures of it because I talked about it one time on the podcast. People have pictures with fake Jamie Girtz. And fake Jamie Girtz reached out to me and she said, yeah, it was a highlight. And she's being sued by fake Ally Sheedy. Who's being sued by real Ally Sheedy. It's a very complicated lawsuit, but one of them is going to get to own the Atlanta Hawks.
You have a part of your very cool book that is dedicated to awkward celebrity encounters, which I'd love to go into a little bit just because they are my favorite moments in my life. You go in with the best intentions. My new thing is like, I will not now approach anybody because it's too nerve wracking. I'd rather just stand back. I mean, who did you have? Like, is there anyone that comes to mind where you feel like you messed up the encounter? Well, there's one I've talked about before, but definitely, and I've
And it was the truncated version was just, I hadn't had coffee yet. It was really early in the morning. And I go into this coffee shop on the Upper East Side. And I get mine and I sit down. I'm just about to have it when I see that the person in line who's standing shoulder to shoulder with me, I'm sitting having my coffee on a tall stool and he's right there, is Arnold Schwarzenegger. And it was just this great moment because...
He recognized me and wanted to say hi, but had nothing to say. And I haven't had my, and he hasn't had his coffee and I just got my coffee and it's early. And it literally just became coffee. And I was like, yes, no, I'm having, it's good. It's good in the morning. And I went, yes, it's good in the morning. It's really, it's good in the morning to have. And then there was a long pause and he went to have the coffee.
And I went, yes. And then there was a long pause and he went, it wakes you up. And I said, yes, because of... And there was a long pause. He was like, the caffeine. And I'm like, oh my God, this is...
Awful. This is awful. And yet, I mean, this is he is the most iconic, one of the most iconic people in the world. And this is what we're talking about. Oh, my God. It's like you're trying to make this connection. It's like, I want to be I just want to be normal or just say hi or I want to get in. I want to get out. And I did this movie and there's a guy in this movie that I would hang out with all the time. And he's like, oh.
oh, you know, RDJ. And I'm like, oh, who's RDJ? He's like, Robert Downey Jr., RDJ.
And I'm like, oh, no, no, I don't know him. He's like, we're buds. We're buds. And I'm like, all right, great. And every day told me about RDJ. And at first I was like, is this guy full of shit? And then I knew a couple of people in his orbit, RDJ's orbit. And I was like, you know this person? He's like, oh, yeah, that guy's great. So it sounds legitimate. This is a guy you're getting to know who knows Robert Downey Jr. And now I'm like, OK, this guy knows RDJ. So Comic-Con comes up and he goes, hey, if you're in Comic-Con, say hey to RDJ for me.
And I'm like, well, that's never going to happen. But sure. Great. Yeah, I'll say hi. And so lo and behold, I get in this place where I'm on the way to go to an elevator and I'm stacked up against Robert Downey Jr. And he's dressed like a Tony Stark because he's going out there to promote Iron Man 2. And now my wife is with me. My wife was in Zodiac with Robert Downey Jr. She's at my side. And I don't know what comes over me, but I'm like, hey, RDJ. I don't know why I called him RDJ. Oh, no. Right.
But I've been hearing it every day, RDJ. Oh, no. And I'm like. Oh, no. And at RDJ, as soon as I say that, my wife, who's been holding my hand, just lets go. Like a parachute. She's like. I disassociate. Disappears. Ejects. Like just ejects. And I feel that. And now I'm like. And he turns and he looks at me. I'm like, hey, I know. And I won't reveal this guy's name. I go, I know so-and-so.
And he looks at me like I just spoke an alien language. I go, I know, you know, it's so-and-so. I know Sam Chiswell. Yeah, right. And he's like, oh, uh,
And again, nothing's happening. And so I'm getting nervous. I start giving more examples like, you know, he's got these tattoos. He did this one thing. He did this. And he's just looking at me. And now his bodyguards turn like and now I feel these bodyguards are huge. Like their necks are bigger than my thighs, you know, and I'm just and every part of my body is like sweating. And I'm just trying to prove like I'm not crazy. I
I know. Somebody told me, I know you. Now you're like a gambler who's losing big at the table, but you can't leave. You gotta keep throwing in. And I'm like, I didn't even want to be here in the first place, but I know this guy. He knows me. And he goes, hey man,
I don't know who you're talking about. And I'm like, right. And I don't know what to do. So I say like, I'm sorry. I must've gotten you confused with somebody else. And after I said, RDJ, and then under my breath, I go, Robert Downey senior. Cause I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't, I'm floundering and I'm trying to keep it. And I said, Robert Downey senior, like,
Maybe it was your dad? Yeah, because you know how we all get you two mixed up. Hey, was Robert Downey senior Iron Man or Robert Downey Jr.? A man that I couldn't recognize. And then, thank God, that elevator came. And I just, I ran out of, I was like, I'm not getting on. I couldn't get on that elevator. I couldn't do it. And that has lived with me, this awkwardness. And I look over at June and she's like, what were you doing?
And years later, I had a friend who was on Avengers and they were like, come, come to set. No. I go, I go to set and I'm like, it's fun having fun. And then Robert Downey Jr. walks on set. And I swear to God, he made eye contact with me. And I felt like every moment just came back. Like, he's like, I remember you. You're insane. And I was like, and I literally was like, peace. Got to get out of here. I left. I left the set of like, it was like the coolest set I've ever been.
been on. It was amazing. Big, giant action scene. And I'm like, see you later. Bye. Gotta go. Can't be here. It's too awkward for me. Here's the one difference between us because it gets really bad. It gets really bad. And then the guys, the security is looking at you. And you know how I'm fascinated with how I could make a bad thing worse. It's just my favorite thing to think about. And so I'm just obsessed with the idea that he would say, hey, man, I don't know who you're talking about, that I would reach out and grab his wrist and say, you will acknowledge me.
before this elevator door opens or else. Like, what can I do in this situation? You're done. Because, no, and then I would just, I would have to, I would have to, I would have to. Even with those bodyguards there? Yeah. Oh, because if they came forward, you know, if they started to come forward, I'd say, you don't want to mess with me. You have no idea what I'm capable. I would keep, I would keep doubling down. Oh, my, I,
And I'd say I have a razor in my shoe. I would keep saying things that up the ante more and more to try and make it, because the only way to make it better is to make it so much worse. Just keep on pushing it over the limit. Mr. Downey's coming with me. You'll get a call.
from an undisclosed location. And he will admit over the phone that he does know that guy I'm talking about. And none of you are going to do jack shit about it. I'm going to kidnap him, bring him to this man, show him...
Did you ever tell your friend? I was just going to ask that same question. So I wimped out again because I didn't know what, like, so the movie had wrapped at that point. So we, I finally see him years later and I'm like, should I do it? Should I do it? And Jim's like, don't, what are you going to get out of this? So he's going to say, oh, he must've,
And I, and it was right. He was right in my sights to be like, you screwed me over. You don't know Robert Downey Jr. And I didn't, I didn't do anything. I walked away from it because. Yeah. What are you going to get out of it? There's no, there's no fun of it. It's like, yeah, at that point it's like, he was like, Oh, he must've gotten confused. I gave him too many specifics to get confused. I don't know what happened. Can I, um, ask you about the Christopher Walken encounter? Cause that's, uh,
I mean, first of all, he's the character that he just continues to fascinate. And I'm just, I gotta know. So when I first came out to LA, just with my dad on like a trip together, we did this. How old are you at this point? You're like probably like fifth grade. Yeah. Right. We were, we, uh, we go on this thing called Hollywood on location. You go to this little place, you pay 75 bucks and they give you the locations of everything shooting in LA that day and the stars that are in it. And I was like,
this is the best thing. So you could just drive to set to set. We went to the set of Simon to Simon and highway to heaven, you know, like, like Michael, you're dating yourself. Oh yeah. A hundred percent. I mean, this is, we're on the set of Simon and Simon. This name will endure throughout the, the memories of the great low of Hollywood. I,
I met Hawk from Spencer. No. And so we're kind of doing our whole day. We're through the whole thing. We're meeting all these people that I'm having the best time. It's like I've never seen a celebrity, met a celebrity. And as a kid, this was like, this was my holy grail. Yeah. And so the last place we go is this movie is shooting. It's called Communion. And I'm like, I don't know if there's like a religious movie. I don't want to go to this. And we hang around and nothing's going on. And the security guard approaches and he's like, you want to meet a movie star? And I was like,
yeah, love to meet a movie star. He's like, Christopher Walken is right in there. Now, I don't know Christopher Walken because I'm a kid and I say to my dad, I'm like, who's that? And he's like, you know, from View to a Kill, it's James Bond. It's a villain from James Bond. I'm like, oh yeah, I want to meet Max Zorin. So, you know, so. Calm down, Matt. We covered that. How did this get made? Matt, you're lactating right now. I was so excited. You're male lactating. So this, so the bodyguard or the security guard leaves and he comes back and goes, oh,
okay, Chris wants to meet you, but no cameras, no parents. And, uh, and so my dad was like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I want to go meet Christopher Walken here. Take this, you know, and, uh, and I, and the security guard like walks me across the street and
and opens this big warehouse door and the warehouse is just completely dark and ushers me to go in. I walk in and he closes the door behind me. So now I'm alone in a dark warehouse with like a sliver of light from where the door was and I'm standing there and I don't still really know Christopher Walken. I don't, you know, and from out of the darkness,
comes this face and this movie communion is about a man who like communes with aliens so and I guess this is a part in the movie where he is really in it with the aliens because he's pasty white his hair is all slicked back and I swear to God he's wearing these insane contact lenses oh my God and he comes so his face looms out of the darkness
It's like, it's like you're at the bottom of the sea and you know, where you can only see inches ahead of you. And then a creature just comes out of the mist. And he's like, you know, and I, and forgive this terrible impression. Cause he's like, no, hello little man. And I was like, I was like, and I'm like, I'm seeing this guy and I'm like, and, and, and I don't know what to do. And he gets down on his knees to get like an eye, you know, and he's like talking to me. And, um,
And, you know, and I've never, and again, celebrity is all new to me. And I have like in my autograph book in my hand, which is not even an autograph book. My dad's a pharmacist. And it was like, uh, like a pad with like, like drugs on it. Like it was literally, I still have it. A Vicodin. It says like Vicodin on the top. I'm like, can you sign this? And it's signing. It says Jamie Girtz on it 10 times.
in a child's scrawl. So he's signing this thing and he goes, "We're making a movie about aliens. Do you believe in aliens?" And I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "Yeah, pretty interesting stuff." And I'm like, "Okay." And then he grabs me by both shoulders and pulls me in. Now we're like, he's again on his knees. So we're eye to eye. He goes, "Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do."
Whoa. And then also don't let anyone grab you by the shoulders when you're in fifth grade in a dark warehouse. Yeah. And then after that person, after that stranger has insisted, no parents may be present. No parents, no cameras, no cameras, no parents.
Now send the boy and I can grab! And then just sent me on my way. And I have this random Christopher Walken autograph. Oh, and that's the other thing, too. When I got in there and he first introduces himself to me, he goes, light, turn.
hurts my eyes. And I was like, all right. It was really like, I was like, great. Holy shit. It's really, the band, and he's so, I just love that he had some advice to impart on me and he gave me some good advice. Yeah. And in the actual, when you examine the story, he's being a really nice man. Yes. That should be made very clear. Yes. So he's in a dark warehouse. Yeah. And he's requested that a child be sent in. These are things that he couldn't,
You could give that advice with the parent present, too. With the camera. Holding a camera. No, listen. That could have been totally fine. I have the same rules. Sona, you know working for me that I've often said over the years, send the child in. Send parents. No cameras. No parents. No problem. Sona, have you rented the dark warehouse? It also... I know.
- I know all the dark one. - Not the same one as last time, that had too much light. - I also think that no one told me that he was gonna be in full character makeup too. That's another crazy thing. Like I'm seeing this adult like,
fully just like, I gotta watch that movie at one point. You think he was like, wanted to kind of freak you out on purpose? Like, bring the kid in, this'll be funny. You know, I think... It doesn't sound like it. I don't think so. I think he was, like, if I really look at it, I'm like, he's in crazy makeup and he probably doesn't want a picture because he doesn't want that look to get out there. I don't know, you know, but, but he, I,
It's so funny that he was like, I need to impart something on this kid. I need to talk to him. And it was great. It was the best experience of my life. I didn't appreciate it at the moment as much, but now it is one of those things where it's like,
the best. So I have a, I'm curious about what it took because you talk about this in the book, you had to sort of overcome a lot in order to say, yeah, I think I could get, I want to get married. Obviously it's meeting your wife. Well, it's so crazy because I think that we live in this culture now where it's like, it's not, I don't know, fashionable to get married. Like none of my friends are married or anything like that. Like you don't know what to do or I didn't know what to do. Like, it's like, okay, maybe we'll get married. Maybe we'll do this thing. And, and, and I, like the stress of actually
asking someone to marry you is an intense thing. And my wife is one of these people that June, I'm going to remind you, it's June. Thank you. Like the month. OK, yeah. So June. Hey, July, baby, I love you. It's June. Right, right, right. I knew it was summer. So May and I are out. But like, you know, so I kind of planned this like
Like you know surprise She didn't know I was gonna ask her to marry her and I think there's a lot of people like you plan it out like you pick a ring out together and there's like a little Gamemanship there, but I didn't know I was gonna do it all in secret June is the type of person where you have to tell her every detail of the night She often will bail on one of the details. We can't do more than one thing in one night. We go see a movie We can't have dinner in a movie. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. She is one one and done She's like and my energy reserve is over
But this night I needed to get it to a second location because I knew that that's where I was going to propose to her. And I was like, hey, you know, maybe we'll maybe on the way home from dinner, we'll go stop at this beach. I hear it's nice. And she's like, OK. And I'm like,
okay, so we are committing to that. We're definitely going to go to that beach because I have to lock her in so she can't pull out of it. And she's like, yeah, yeah, we'll go to the beach. I was like, great. Just confirming though, one more time, we are going to, we're going to the beach. So now she knows you're getting engaged. Just so you know, we're going to the place where it's soft to kneel down. Yeah.
so she she goes like you know so we we're driving home from the restaurant i go all right we'll go to that beach it's like why let's go home i go home you did say we were gonna we're gonna go and she's like all right we'll go to the beach so now i'm like bringing her there under duress and i'm like all right i gotta propose i'm gonna propose i'm walking her out to this thing and i get ready like you know i'm about to propose and i pop down on one knee and i go jim you know will you marry me and she looks at me with this horrified look on her face and she's like
what the fuck are you doing? And I've never moved so fast in my life. That ring box got closed, but shoved back in my pants and jumped up. I was like, what? What happened? I don't know. What are you talking about? She's like, what are you talking about? And she thought I was doing a bit
That I had just brought her here. I was like, when have I done a marry me bit in the middle of this beach? So I'm like, no, it's not a bit. And she's like, are you sure it's not a bit? I'm like convincing my wife that...
that I'm not trying to, don't you also understand that this is what we deserve? Yes. A hundred percent. We've devoted our lives to bits. Yes. And this is what we deserve to be not believed in that moment. The person who will like leave one room, have a hidden Freddy Krueger mask in the other, put it on, then come back in and go, what? Scare the shit out of her. Like, yeah, of course you're not going to trust me when I ask you to marry me. Were you wearing that mask? I did have that. I had the ring in one pocket. He forgot to mention. So,
So, you know, and I had to convince her it wasn't a bit. And I did. And, you know, we kiss and it's this nice moment. We're under the stars on this beach. And I just hear from like the distance, get a room. And there's like a kid who's been sitting on the bluff, like watching this whole thing play out.
And we're like, and I turned and look at him. He's like, get a room. And he kept on just yelling, get a room. He didn't switch it up to another line. Nope. Just get a room. And we're like, we're getting, we have a room. We have a room. You should get a room. And so we had to like leave the beach. You should have invited him to the wedding. So when you kiss at the end, get a room. Get a room. Oh.
Oh, my gosh. You have an interesting wedding vow that your wife insisted on, June insisted on? Yes. I promised I would never put her on Scare Tactics, which was a scary prank show. She was like, you have to put that in your wedding vow because then you can't break that. But the thing that was the best about our wedding was she let me hire a Jack Nicholson impersonator to be my best man. Oh.
Oh, my God. You deserve all bad things that come your way. You deserve a terrible life, Paul. This Jack Nicholson impersonator who arrived to the wedding late and goes, hey, sorry I'm late. I was at a party at Roman Polanski's house. Oh!
That was his opening line. Now, the room is kind of split of like parents and adults on one side and all of our friends on the other. Now, our friends on the other side are having the best time. Like, oh, this is insane. And the people on the other side are going, oh, I think he might know Jack Nicholson. And now I had written a speech for the Jack Nicholson. And I was like, you know, Paul and June are as good as it gets.
You know, and he was just a wolf. And, you know, but he's going to give her some terms of endearment. What? Did you get to like once over the cuckoo's nest? Oh, I did everything. Why are you still married? How is this? Hey, wait a minute. Why has this not been annulled?
Why didn't lightning strike? How'd you get about Schmidt? So I tell him, I tell this guy the whole thing. Oh, trust me. He does. Oh, I get it all in there. And he goes, uh, and, and, and he goes, uh, great. I got it. And, and then the day of the wedding, uh, he pulls me aside. He goes, you have a teleprompter. Oh, teleprompter. No, it's a wedding. There's no teleprompter at my wedding. He goes like,
I'm not going to really remember too much of the speech. And I go, okay. How about read it? Yeah. I was like, yeah, you can have it on P. He's like, I can't see it. I got to wear my sunglasses. He's wearing his sunglasses. And, and so he starts devolving into things that aren't even Jack Nicholson. He goes, June and Paul, yummy, yummy. No!
So he starts improvising. Improvising is Jack Nicholson. Yummy, yummy. Yummy, yummy. And, and, and, and, and, and, and,
And then he ends his speech by going, and if anyone wants to give me a hug, I'll be standing right over here. And he just stood awkwardly on this. People are like, you can leave now. You can go now. Yeah, you can go now. But that Jack Nichols, I did know that I married the right person that when I brought that up to June, she was like, you can have him. And that was a nice, a nice moment. Yeah.
That would have not have gone over well for me. You're only the thing for impersonators. Remember that Mission Impossible screening you did? Oh, yes. And you had a Tom Cruise impersonator. All right. So I... My friend said, hey, you want to have like a Mission Impossible screening? You can invite your friends to it. And I was like, yeah. And so...
And unbeknownst to her, we get this beautiful theater apparel and we invite all of our friends. And I know this guy or I've seen this guy on Instagram. He's a Tom Cruise in person. I'm like, this would be great. I'll have him introduce the movie. He looks a lot like him. And I hire him. And, you know, it's going to be fun. And the guy's charging me a lot of money for really just like literally come in and say, hey, I'm so excited about this movie. You know, and and so I get there and all of a sudden someone comes up to me like,
did you hire a Tom Cruise impersonator? And I go, yeah, no, you can't do this. You can't do this. And everyone's freaking out because we're on Paramount property and it's Tom Cruise. And they're like, we don't mess with that. He does not like impersonators. You need to get rid of this guy. And I'm like, oh, you need to kill him. And dispose of the body. And I'm like, but I mean, it'll be fine. It'll be fun. And they're like, you got to get rid of him. And I don't know what to do. And,
And luckily, I'm like, I think it will be fine. I think we'll tell nobody to take pictures of it or anything like that. And he's like, and I finally like we they get him to relent and we bring in this guy and he crashed. He was great. He was great. He came in as Tom Cruise. Nothing untoward about Tom. He did. He did Tom Cruise a solid. I feel like he presented the best version of Tom Cruise. OK, here's my impersonator story. The year is, I believe, 1984. Yeah.
I'm just starting to befriend and write comedy with Greg Daniels and we're in college. And we go visit his parents who live in Rhode Island at the time. They live in Barrington, Rhode Island, and his dad's a bigwig at the radio station. The father tells us he's hired a Michael Jackson impersonator to be the star of the parade. And he said, "Can you guys help me out?" 'Cause there were, it was Greg, myself,
and a couple of our friends, he said, "Can you guys walk along on either side like your bodyguards? I'll give you a yellow t-shirts from the radio station, but walk along and be sort of like the bodyguards that walk along to protect." And Michael Jackson is such a huge deal right now that it could get out of hand, just be there in case something happens. And we say, "Okay." So it's a big parade, 4th of July, I think 1984, I wanna say. And I know this is real.
I didn't make this up in my crazy mind because someone recently found a photograph and I'm there and there's another guy there, Dan McGrath, who's tall and lanky like me. And he liked the idea of, yeah, you guys are tall. You look like you could be bodyguards. We don't. I was 6'4 and 155 pounds. And that's wearing a 50 pound hat. And so we're walking alongside the motorcade. Suddenly the entourage shows up because this Michael Jackson impersonator has an entourage. And then he shows up standing
Sona looks more like Michael Jackson than this guy does. Seriously. Seriously. Eduardo, it's like, I swear to God, Eduardo, it's like if you wore a glove, a Michael Jackson glove, and said, I'm Michael Jackson.
He looked nothing like Michael Jackson, but he had the glove and he put some sunglasses on and he sat in the back and they had told everybody we've got a special guest and it's going to be a real thriller for all of you. So everybody turns out in all of Rhode Island to see this thing. And I'm walking alongside this motorcade.
And this is my favorite part. I keep looking up at this guy and he's sort of talking like Michael and acting like fame's been rough for him. And, you know, he doesn't know how to handle the new fame of being. And I'm thinking, what are you talking about? I believe you're from Cuba. Yeah.
And I think you have a Dutch accent. Everything's wrong. You could lose some weight. Like, it was just crazy. So he's sitting in the... And at one point...
People I can tell are just sort of bummed out. And at one point, a kid steps out of the crowd with a water balloon and it's right in my, like, I'm blocking, it's between me. And I step back out of the way and he nails the fake Michael Jackson. I step out of the way.
And I remember Greg's dad afterwards saying, "I saw that! You like, you did nothing!" And I was like, "He looks nothing like Michael Jackson!" I'm not gonna take a water balloon for him. Let alone a bullet.
Absolute madness. Oh, my God. I want to make sure I mention the title of this. First of all, we could talk, I believe, for 15 hours. It's a joy to talk to you, Paul. And I knew that. So this is one of those just absolutely fun. It feels like a vacation day. I'm going to make sure that none of us get paid because we shouldn't be paid to talk to you. Oh, no, I want to get paid. No, no, no. No, no, no. I'll pay for any of you. This is fun, but I want to get paid.
Adam, with the exception of myself, I have to for tax reasons, but no one else gets paid today. It's that much of a joy. This is really nice. Well, we quit. Yeah. What's that? We quit. No, I don't want to quit. Well, we got to stand up for our rights. Don't say that on mic. Say, you bet we're going to quit and then quietly have a conversation later. I got nothing else going on. There we go. There we go. We're with him. Hey, thank you, Michael. Is that Michael Jackson down there? Hi.
The book is Joyful Recollections of Trauma. And it really is a delight. And Paul Scheer, big fan of yours. You're so funny and you've got a big heart. And please come back because we could do this for 15 hours. And I would love to have you come back to How Did This Get Made one time. Oh, I would do that. That would be really fun. Yeah, let's pick, please, just not a baby movie. I can't do that again. No more babies for you. Yeah, no, we'll give you something good. It's too upsetting when a...
such an innocent young creature says, I'd like to fuck her like crazy. You know, it's like, I can't handle it. It's just upsetting. And another thing about Italians. Wait a second, baby. Why are you so? Yeah. Yeah. Baby with crazy conspiracy theories. We never landed on the moon. All right. Go in peace, Paul Scheer. All right.
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Because there are drinks. Then there are drinks from McDonald's. Mix things up with any size lemonade or sweet tea for $1.49. Perfect with our classic fries. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Hey, let's do a voicemail. What do you guys say? Ha ha ha.
Okay. No, I don't want to. Bye. Okay, Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney? Hey, let's do a show. We'll do it in the backyard. We'll raise enough money to save the town. Yes, I would like to do a voicemail. I like to hear, like any king, sometimes I like to remove my crown and walk.
amongst the people. Okay, here we go. Find out what they're really saying. Hi, my name's Ben. I'm from Ohio. And my question is, it's a little morbid, but there's this new technology or an app where you can scan QR codes on someone's gravestone and it'll show a glimpse of their life or flashbacks or videos of them or their legacy. So what would your QR code show people once they've scanned it?
And while we're at it, what would George Lansky's look like? Thank you. Wow. I got to say, Ben, that is a very imaginative question. And I don't find that morbid at all because I'm a morbid person. I spend maybe half my day thinking about my own death and making elaborate, elaborate, elaborate plans and rituals. I love that idea. I do think.
that gravestones are going to have screens. They're basically just going to be screens and everyone's going to download all the pictures and video from their lives so that when you're walking around in a graveyard, you're actually walking through all these screens and you can look at what that person experienced in their lifetime, their travels, the food they ate,
Yes, occasionally a dick pic. Yours is just going to be the airing Samsung TV of all the reruns of your old show. There won't be traditional gravestones in the future. They'll all be Samsung televisions that have a grave shape and they'll just be wedged in the ground. And people will go to graveyards to really be entertained by what people did in a previous life. The ultimate...
is going to be people shooting themselves who are alive, people taping themselves watching other people's gravestones. So they're spending their lifetime watching a dead person's lifetime. Will that show up on their gravestones?
Yes. Grave TV when they die? Yes. Yes. And then the snake eats its tail and civilization just becomes inverted and eventually it disappears. It's a mind blower. But Ben, I'm glad you brought this up because it's quite clear what my QR code is going to be. It's going to lead you to all my greatest hits, everything from my television career. And I'm
there's also going to be commercials so that it's monetized. Oh, no. Yes. So what do you mean? Oh, no, that's perfect because a grave needs upkeep. My grave will be very heavily visited. I mean, look at how many people go see Elvis. So we're going to need security, upkeep, a
one of those red velvet ropes. There's going to be concessions. Yes, I'm going to probably do a lot of tie-ins. I'm going to make a lot of deals before I go. And there will be commercials. And that's going to help pay to keep the giant mausoleum looking good. What about this? This very segment could be airing on your gravestone. Do you want to say anything to people that when they hear this right now in their time will be listening to you at your graveyard?
Yeah, that's a really good point, Matt. Well, I want to say hello. I had a good life. Not crazy about the way I checked out. I still think it was someone in my family who did me in. Right. For sure. I mean, breaks just don't fail like that. They were pretty clearly cut, and I don't know why the DA didn't investigate. But I'm gone. Let's deal with it. We're dealing. But please, really look into my wife.
I think she was responsible. I have a question. Yeah. Can I please be put in charge of putting the QR code on there? Nope. I really just wanted to go to the menu for the Cheesecake Factory.
I want you to put all this work into getting your QR code right. Right. People go there. It's just to a menu for a restaurant. Well, but quite a menu. I mean, the Cheesecake Factory has, I mean, that's quite a menu. Yeah. So there's part of me that's almost okay with that, Sona. Yeah. Okay.
Yes, Matt, you have a question. I have a comment to those people who are currently visiting Conan's grave right now. Sona and I are trapped in here. Can you please get us out? Help. No. No, because like any pharaoh, I wanted to be buried along with my troops and my servants. You were killed when you died? No, no, no. You weren't killed. You were buried alive with me. No! That's my biggest fear. I won't do that. Is it really? Yes. Oh, you won't do that?
I won't. Listen, if it wasn't my biggest fear, I'd be fine. OK, that's your deal breaker. But I don't want to. I would rather not be buried alive. It really is. I have like nightmares about it. That's your greatest fear? What about you check into a hotel and the bar is closed?
Because I've seen you when that happens and you start throwing shit around the lobby. It's pretty it's pretty intense. No, you were buried with me because and you willingly went. You're my loyal servants and everything I'm going to need in the afterlife, which includes Matt, you, Sona and some recording equipment and.
And a lot of cheese popcorn that doesn't go stale. It's hermetically sealed. That's all we need in the afterlife. We're going to be podcasting from the afterlife? This is hell. I know. It's not hell. It's heaven. It's heaven. I'm busy. Oh, and think about all the guests we'll get in the afterlife. Why, here comes Abe Lincoln and Gandhi. And look, they're with Dean Martin. Come on over, fellas. They're doing a joint interview? Yeah.
Yeah. That's amazing. Okay. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Yeah. I love that. I think it's fantastic. We're going to get the best.
podcast guests in the afterlife. That's where all the great people are. So I'm glad we had this talk and I'm glad we answered this question. Ben, I'm going to get to work right away on putting this QR code on my gravestone. I hope we don't need it for many, many years. But that's up to my wife and her plan to get me out of the picture. Anyway, we'll put a QR code on it and it will link to all my greatest hits. Plus...
every 20 minutes, the menu for the Cheesecake Factory. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
Get back to school ready at Whole Foods Market. The best in class event is packed with sales on organic seedless grapes, organic honey crisp apples, Applegate deli meat, and more. Start your mornings with 365 by Whole Foods Market organic frozen waffles and better than cage-free eggs. Then put dinner on the table with breaded chicken nuggets, savory swordfish fillets, and fresh salad kits. Make Whole Foods Market your back-to-school destination.
Pulling up to Mickey D's just for drinks. Oh yeah, that's me. Nothing extra, just perfection and a straw. Coming in hot for the coldest cups on the block. Because there are drinks. Then there are drinks from McDonald's. Mix things up with any size lemonade or sweet tea for $1.49. Perfect with our classic fries. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.