Sarah Silverman Returns Again
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Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman and I feel... Rejoice slash dead inside. About being... About being Conan O'Brien's friend. I love how you had to look down at the paper and see what my name is. We met in 1993. You're one of my earliest talk show guests. Yes. And you're checking the page to see what my name is. O'Brien. O'Brien.

Fall is here, here, back to school. Ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues. Climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I wish I could be me. I'm a favorite member of my family tree. What the fuck? Oh my God. What? See, this is why we need to roll. We're actually rolling now. Oh, we are. I thought I heard every one of your crazy songs. But that one I'd never heard before. We're starting this podcast with that song. We're in right now. Okay. Well, yes, I'm Conan O'Brien and then blah, blah, blah, so and blah, blah, blah. Listen, I...

I say so much nonsense all the time that I'm always stunned when something burbles out of my mouth that you haven't heard before. Me too. But I just did it. Yeah. I just said, what did I say? My favorite person is me. I'm my favorite member of my family tree. I want to be me. I want to be me because I'm my favorite member of my family tree. Did you just make that up? I think I did.

I've never heard it before. I don't know. And it rings true. And it's a stupid thing to say. It's so stupid. Who would say I want to be me because I'm my favorite member of my family tree? These things spill out of me all the time. As I've said, brushing my teeth. In the middle of the night, I'll wake up and I'll say something like that. Sometimes I'll put it to music. And the listeners should know that you hear Conan in an unhinged form on the podcast. I would multiply that times like eight. Yeah.

Yeah. Pre-recording. That's what it's like in here, I think. Yes, I'm trying to be responsible somewhat when we do this. And I should probably stop. But over the years, everyone always said there was the meeting after the show. You were around for those, Sona. I was at the meeting before. The meeting before the show when we were going over the jokes and the band is playing and the audience is loaded in. That was

Insanity.

A mad syphilitic king. Yeah. A Caligula who's putting his horse in charge of making his horse a senator. Only I have a Fender guitar strapped on. Don't forget the syphilis. All the syphilis. Yeah, syphilis. And the horse had syphilis too. The point being that these are just little snippets that I guess are somehow...

What's wrong with me? I don't know. Is it syphilis? It's not syphilis. I get tested every day. But is this how you were as a kid? Yes. Would you go around muttering like, I want to be me? Would you say things like that? There was a lot of craziness. And I mean, we've talked about this, but anytime I played any sports activity with other kids, all I did was talk and make up who I was.

And to describe who my character was and how I had been in prison, but I just got out because I had murdered a fan in the stands, but now they're giving me a second chance. I knew my name. I knew my whole backstory. And my brother, Luke, my poor brother, Luke is a saint. He's a year older than me. He would be like, just...

play the game. We'd play these pickup basketball games and these people sometimes wouldn't even know me. And I'd be like, yeah, see, this is who I am, see? You did it in front of people you didn't even know? Sometimes, yeah. So, like, there was never this thing in your brain that was like, oh, God, people are going to think I'm crazy. You were just like, whatever. There was no stopping it. Okay. I

I did go to a summer camp once and I don't think the kids liked me that much, but this one camp counselor was, I was on a trip and I made up this whole story about a bird, a bird that was the size of a human that was running through the woods. And I made up this whole thing and I was just babbling and improvising this whole thing. And this guy was crying. He was laughing so hard. Oh my God.

Oh, my God.

I think when I first showed up, people were like, here's... I looked like the Wendy's logo with a bull haircut. And I had a weird name and I was not good at sports. So I think maybe initially, but then I always... I think people came around old Conesy. Yeah, I think...

so it paid off yeah it did look at you now look at me now in a small room look at you now in a small room at Larchmont in Los Angeles you're working with us yeah come on yeah look at us we're here wow a podcast with my assistant the creme de la creme of show business

You know that after Dean Martin broke up with Jerry Lewis, he just spent a bunch of his later years just touring around with his assistant. Is that true? Nope, made it up. Oh, come on, man. They made movies. Why do I follow, why do I believe everything you say? Because I have a certain authority. Uh,

My guest today is a very funny comedian whose latest comedy special, Postmortem, is available to stream on Netflix starting tomorrow. See how I said tomorrow? Yeah. I'm thrilled she's here. Lover, who doesn't? Sarah Silverman. Welcome. Okay, we gotta do it again like before. You gotta pause. You gotta pause before the name. Oh, right, you're right, you're right. Why didn't you mention it? Well, I've mentioned it multiple times in a row. I hope you fall downstairs soon, but you're not hurt, but it's scary. It's frightening to you. The fall is frightening. Okay, I'm processing that, but thank you. It's scary. It's scary.

And you're scared by it. Okay. That's what I hope happens too. It's a very specific wish. Yeah. I wish you ill, but not that ill. But maybe you have a bruise too. All right, let's try this again. Just for the listeners' sake, if you've been listening chronologically, we're trying to get Conan to leave a pause because some music comes in and it just never happens. I think what we need to do, we need to make some kind of symbol right here between she's here and then I'll do it again. I'll do that. My guest today is a very funny comedian whose latest special, Postmortem, is available to stream on Netflix starting tomorrow. I'm thrilled she's here. ♪

Sarah Silverman, welcome. When I was thinking about today, and all the way... You've been dreaming about today. Yes. And masturbating about today. Oh! Hey! Oh!

But like with tears, you know, the way you do it. And I cry when I masturbate. It's true. I don't know why this happened, but all I all I've been singing on the way. Are you still laughing about you crying when you masturbate? I guess. Yeah. Laughing to cover up the fact that it might be true. Go ahead. I've been singing Conan. Don't be discouraged.

man he isn't hard to understand is that right i can't from chico and the man yeah chico don't be discouraged but you've made it conan i love that conan don't be discouraged my parody version yeah but i like it but it lines up because i often i'm always worried that the man is hard to understand so it lines up a lot of kids listening right now are thinking what's chico and the man

It was a very popular, very popular sitcom. Huge, starring Freddie Prinze. And then it ended when the star of the show ended his own life. Yes. Kind of tragically. It was a big deal when I was a kid. It was huge. I just remember the guy, the comic that...

gave him the gun was like the youngest comedian ever to be on The Tonight Show or something. Oh, really? Oh, I like fun facts. I mean, is it the funnest fact? No, maybe not. Yeah, your fun facts are terrible. Fun fact, a fetus can only live two minutes outside the womb. What?

If it's less than six months old, fun fact. If it's not fun, then why are we all laughing? You're right. I think that's a good point. Yeah. It's a very good point. I didn't want to wear my glasses. There she is. I see you now. Sarah, I come to both name drop and compliment you, which is I had breakfast this morning with a certain Mr. Billy Crystal. Hmm.

who was raving about your show, Bedwetter. He went to see the... Oh, yeah, he went to see the musical. He went to see the musical, and he was like, it's terrific, it's fantastic. Because I said, I've got to go, I've got to go see... And then I got to name drop with him. I'm going to go see Sarah Silverman and have a conversation. She was like, oh, you've got to tell her, her show is amazing. Her show is fantastic. So that's what I'm starting with. I mean, obviously, we had some other talk in there first about...

fetuses dying, crying while masturbating and, you know, some stuff that went a little south. But now we get to the good stuff, which is a big compliment. North. Yes, we go north with Mr. Billy Crystal loving your show. So congratulations. Yay. Thank you. Yeah. It's in D.C. It closes in a week or it's probably closed by the time this hits people's ears. But hopefully it will go to whatever. Cut this part out. No, keep this part in. Thank you.

This, I think, drops in 2028. This is the clip. People

People will be listening to it on their jetpacks. I'm very happy when I hear that you're going to come in and do the podcast. I was like, I got the day off. This is the day off. This isn't work talking to you. It's work. Is it for you? No, for you. No, it's not. I've always, you're the best. I mean, I love talking to you. I love talking to you. You're a ray of sunshine. And I think in the community of show business, the business of show, who doesn't like some Sarah Silverman?

Everybody loves Sarah Silverman. Yeah. Yeah. When you have a party, everybody shows up. Like when you have these rooftop parties. I mean, these guys don't. Sorry. Well, come on. Well, it's awkward. But the people I see at your parties, it's incredible. It's amazing. There's like no one where you are trying to avoid a conversation, I feel. I feel like everyone is a joy to see. Yeah.

Even this guy? Even this guy. Even this guy. Very exciting that you came. When I show up, people are... Even the biggest stars get excited. Owen Wilson couldn't work up the nerve to come up and talk to me. Yeah, it was exciting to see. It was, I don't know. And you know what I admire about you? You're very funny, and you keep branching out. I saw you in Maestro, and I thought you were a terrific actor.

Is that something that you've wanted to do? Did you think about acting? Because I always, you know, I didn't know if that was something that you had like an arrow in your quiver for a while. You're just like, I want to try this at some point. What is this acting thing? Yeah. No, I always wanted to be an actor. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, but I always want to be a comic. And then that really is, you know, more like I always think that's like being gay, being a comedian, you know, because you're like born that way. Right. There's nothing you can do about it. Right. And you should just let your freak flag fly. Yes.

But I, yeah, I like acting, but I, well, it's not up to me, but I feel that people can, I can get lost in a character and you aren't like that. Sir Silverman. Right. But I understand that people tend to worry about that because they go,

oh, but everyone knows her and they like, you know, she's like herself. You were not, though. That's what I thought was interesting about when I saw you on Maestro. I thought, no, that you're you were just this other person. And it was not there was no speed bump of now I have to adjust my dials. Thank you, Sarah Silverman. I thought you really did a beautiful job. Well, I auditioned, you know, I always want to audition because I

you know, I want to like get the part because they like what I, you know, whatever I'm doing.

Now I'm embarrassed. This isn't funny or anything. Why can't we just have a conversation? What's wrong with that? We can have laughs later. We'll pipe them in. Laughs here. I always, you know, love to audition. Isn't it funny that the sound of like a million people laughing is like a whisper sound effect? Yes. Wow.

It's horrifying. That sounds like wind coming through the trees and a murderer's chasing me. That's like when you see him. That didn't sound like a lot of people being happy. But maybe you're right. Because when that many people cheer, it sounds like death is on its way. How do you do it? How do you do that? Huge crowd laughter. Imagine. Yeah. You're right. You're right. That just sounds like a dental tool. No, that's a guy who's had a tracheotomy and the tube came out. Oh.

And he's running around the hospital trying to get it plugged back in again. Did I lose the crowd here? What's happening? All right, so it's the same. We're both doing the same scent. I'm going to take my jacket off, and if you think it's too sexy, I'll put it back on. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my God. Wow. Kate. You know how to wear teal. A little teal for you right there. That is a great color on you. Isn't this nice? Your eyes pop. They make the old peepers pop. That's for sure. It does make the peepers pop.

I distracted you. You like to audition, but they still know it's you. And they know that, you know, what I'm saying is you can't go in anonymously. So sometimes you might even have a higher bar to clear because they're like, oh, it's Sarah Silverman. No, no. People won't get lost in it. You know what?

Like I, this great writer director had a series on Apple Plus. I guess I shouldn't say that. Whatever. And he asked me to be in it and a great role. And I was like, great, you know, and then and I've had to do this before, too. So I had compassion, but he he had to call me and be like, I'm horrified. The people at Apple Plus don't want you for the part.

They feel like the people won't get lost in you or whatever. And I was like, I totally understand that because I had a pilot once and I asked this amazing director to direct it. And he got right back to me and was like, yes, I'm in. And he's like this awesome, cool, far out director. And then it was for NBC years ago. And they were like, oh, no, we don't approve him.

What? Oh, my God. I mean, that was awful. Not that good a story, but thank you for your... This is how you react in a podcast. It is. I'm killing. Luke, I am your father. It's kind of close to that. I...

I think that there were many years where I could have made it when I was young as a leading man. What would you play? I think I was held back by my small eyes, my thin lips, my prominent eye vein.

And my complete inability to be someone other than Conan O'Brien. I think those things tragically held me back. So unfair. I think, yes. And I think I needed to... I wish I had broken through those walls. Because I also... I think...

I can't hear the word walls without thinking pussy walls. Go on. I don't know why. Is that even a word? Well, now neither can I. Because now you just, that just fucked me up completely. Like the labia? I don't know. I don't know where I've heard pussy walls, the phrase. And I'm sorry to interrupt. I am interested in the story you were telling, whatever it was, but.

Yeah, let's break this down. Are these interior or exterior walls? In my mind, it's interior walls. That makes sense to me. I don't know where I've heard it or why it's so embedded in me, but whenever I'm watching The Bachelor or Bachelorette, which is any given Monday... Sure, yeah.

They always say like, you know, and I put up my walls and I always say out loud pussy walls. And then my boyfriend who's like in another room hears it and is like knows exactly what's happening because it's like a it's almost like an OCD thing. But is have you guys heard that? Well, I'm curious. In 1989, when the Berlin Wall fell, did you say that poor woman? I mean, I'm just curious.

I think that's a great joke, and I think it deserves something. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this pussy wall. Yeah. That's what I'm going for. It's more, it has to be plural. Or like, who is the vice, can you believe I can't remember the guy who ran for vice president with Kamala? Walls. Walls, yeah. Tim Walls. That also in my head, I was like, pussy walls. Well, that's probably what cost them the election.

What is that from the pussy walls? Why do I have, is that a phrase? I don't know that that's something we can Google and find out. Of course it is. Google pussy walls. I tried. Please. I'm just saying, you're going to get something Eduardo tried. Well, what I'm curious about is now it's in my head. So that if I go to say, we need to repair these walls.

meaning structural damage to my home from the recent California fires. We need to repair these walls. I'm going to go to pussy walls and that's going to cause all kinds of problems in the household. So you've done this. You've ruined my mind. That was, I mean, honestly, a little bit my hope for all of you is that it's infected. That's interesting. Now, you jumped right in with a specific part. The labia. Just don't do that. I mean, that's kind of the labia of the vagina.

The pussy walls. As opposed to... He's very weird when you say things. Labia is the lips. Yeah. I recently learned all this. Vagina is the hole that is the hole where the penis...

It goes in and the baby comes out. The urethra is not on your clitoris, but it basically is. I think it's like under the hood of it or something. And it's the tiniest hole that somehow like five streams come out of.

You know what's crazy? I'm learning shit. No, I didn't know. I am a grown-ass adult with two children, and I'm learning. I didn't. Okay, keep going. And then the vagina is just the whole. It's not the whole. It's not the thing. The thing is called the labia. I've been spanked about this. Bet you have. Yeah, I think. Wait, what's the matter with you? You look like you're about to pass out.

Don't project on me, but I'm fine. Did you guys know all this? I think I did from anatomy class. Great. Wow. I think I learned it from his anatomy books. Yeah, and I got it all wrong. Yeah. This was not discussed at any point during my life. Right. And then later on, you know, you learn things. Yeah. And I mean recently, which is shocking. But yeah, it's okay right now. Right now. Yes, from Sarah. Yeah.

But I it's incredible that, yes, we should be able to talk about this freely. We should be adults and we should talk about this freely. I mean, but also like as I would say, straight men and gay women have like an actual view of the vagina that I have not had where you really like can see everything. You know, I mean, it's like what the Terminator vision like we have little and there's little readouts on the side.

There are times in my life when I've been down there, there's these little readouts. What does it say? Like, run away? It says, do not engage. Do not engage. Do not engage. Flee. Flee. Flee. Hostile. Hostile. You know, it's green and there's these digital readouts on the side. And yeah, it's...

I see that. I picture it like it's pulled back with little pins. Like a butterfly. Or yeah, like a frog that you dissect or something. Oh, no. It's filleted. Yeah, because there's so many folds. You know what I want? I don't know if mine is... One time, many years ago... I'm sorry, I'm talking...

Way too much. This is fantastic. I love this. One time, gather round, kids. Campfire. Go ahead. I was upstairs. I mean, this is visual, really. Wait, can I have your pen? Sure. But I was at the cellar a million years ago. The comedy cellar. The comedy cellar, sorry. And I was sitting at a booth across Mark Maron and...

I don't remember who suggested this, honestly, but we both... We each drew a picture of a vagina and then we showed it to each other. And it was so embarrassing because mine was like... We exposed it and then his was like that. Like two parentheses and a line. And then mine was like so much. It was so much. But like, I don't know if that's just me. I don't think that my vagina is...

Like, maybe that's more of a expressionist. It looks like a salad. I know, my vagina looks like a salad. I don't know if it... Is that not...

you know what? Yeah, I can see that. It's like, yes, the hot dog bun. But then if you open that up, there's a world. A whole world to be found. I don't know. What is it? Nikki Glaser said that it looked like a hastily packed suitcase. Image got into my head. That's so funny. Yes. Different perspectives. There's the, of course, the Marc Maron perspective. Keep in mind, he wears glasses.

So maybe he didn't have his glasses on, you know, when he's... But that said, I've never been face-to-face with a vagina. Oh, come on. All right. No, I mean, you know, I remember my stepsister wanted to go on Shark Tank and try to sell a vagina mirror, which would just be like basically a mirror on a selfie stick or something. But you could do that with an iPhone, and I have, I guess. Wait a minute. Your sister wanted to sell that as a product? It's a million-dollar idea. Yeah.

Isn't it? It's a rear view mirror. It's a rear view mirror on a stick. Yeah, well, what is it? Listen, someone put wheels on luggage like way too late. No one thought of that. That is true. When wheels went on luggage, I go, I can't believe it took this long to put wheels on luggage. Right. Why was there ever, why were, where was, were there ever? No, you'd think Leonardo da Vinci would have thought of that.

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What I want to do is take this episode so far and maybe the whole thing in its entirety and play it for a group and have them turn the dials so that there's, you know what I mean? And just see what happens when we take some of these turns. Do you know what I mean? And I want to say an older crowd, an older crowd that remembers the Korean War well. And I want them to be able to like turn the dials and just to see what would happen. Wouldn't you be interested? I mean, that would be fun. Yeah. I mean, it does take a lot of twists and turns. Like a vagina.

Right? No. What do you mean twists and turns? I don't know what I said. Gina's like driving in Italy. It's like, you know. You could get killed at any moment. You can't believe there's only one lane. There's an ocean. There's like a huge cliff with an ocean. Suddenly there's a burrow in the road. This is, this just reminds me exactly of the Dana Carvey conversation I had. Um,

This is why I don't worry about you. I don't worry about you at all because we start talking and then suddenly vaginas are flying around. I did think of something yesterday that I thought only Conan will. Well, you know, I mean, gosh, I can't really do this in stand-up because I don't feel like anybody would realize.

But I do think that they should reveal the Epstein files, but it should be the one Epstein files. And all of them are signed Epstein's mother from Mr. Man, this is your second 70s sitcom reference. I love it. Mr. Cotter. Did you ever watch Welcome Back, Cotter? I watched it on Nick at Night because I went through a Travolta phase and I just loved it.

I loved that show. But it's silly, right? It's not considered like, is it considered like prestige television back then? I don't think so. I don't think so. It was a huge thing when I was in fifth, sixth grade. People would put up their hand and go, ooh, ooh, ooh, like Arnold Horschak. And everyone thought that was hilarious. My sister and I had a Welcome Back Cotter trash can.

What? Yeah. They make lunch boxes. They don't make trash cans. No. We had a trash can and it said like, I'm going to call you schools out because you have no class and like all the different things they say. And we laughed and threw away our garbage. Yeah.

I'm glad you saved that one Epstein joke for me. It just seemed like the right place. So it's the Epstein files. Right. But it's one Epstein from Welcome Back Potter. We know Trump is all over those, the actual list. So that's probably what he would, maybe he would reveal that and be like, what? I said I was going to, and I did. So Trump is going to release the one Epstein files from Welcome Back Potter to throw everyone off the scent from the real Epstein files.

And then say, those are the... Okay, I get it. I understand. So the logs will basically just be Juan Epstein and Juan Epstein's mother. Yes. Yes. Which was... Okay. Disgusting people. Criminals. Are you a conspiracy theorist? I don't know. I mean, the moon landing was fake.

Are you? I don't know. I am not, no. I am one of those people that thinks the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. Occam's razor. There you go. I shave with it every day. I didn't even go to college. You don't need to go to college.

Yeah, I'm not. I am not. When people say, hey, man, you know what I think happened, man? I'm not in on that ride usually. Yeah, the guy who does my makeup really fell into a whole thing about how the Challenger didn't really explode and all those people are still alive and, you know. Right.

And I, you know, I was in, I was in ninth grade and we watched it because there was a teacher from Concord, the next town over, Christy McCullough. Yeah. Who was killed. Yeah. Yeah. Well, or was she? Where are they? Where does he say they are? They're just living regular lives. Oh.

And with different names. Does he ever explain why the people on the Challenger would agree to this? You all have families and stuff, but we're going to pretend that you blew up and then you're all going to live in different parts of Cincinnati. And what was the reason for faking it? Yeah, exactly. See, that's the thing is they don't even need a reason. They don't even need a reason. Hey, man, you're not thinking it through, man.

I'm sorry. That's my idea of most conspiracy theorists. I'm sorry if you're a conspiracy theorist and you're listening out there. I think you're wrong. Well, like conspiracy theorists don't call themselves conspiracy theorists, right? It's like cults don't call themselves cults. I have a friend who I know I feel confident grew up in a cult. And he goes, it's not a cult. I go, you wouldn't know. Yeah. You're in it. Right.

did he have to there's no punchline to that I just there doesn't have to be until you call it out and then you know what I mean that's just it we're in it man we're talking about it you know we're all in the flow there's no need for there to be a big boom boom you know we're past that we're in a new we're in a post comedy world now laughs are for pussy walls exactly Mr. Gorbachev tear down that pussy wall I'm

I'm telling you, Sonya, you're onto a great new routine. This is a good routine for you. I can't do this routine. This is Sarah's routine. No, no, I'm giving it to you. But you guys, yeah, she's giving it. She does not want it. Okay. I don't do stand-up. Did anything come up when you searched pussy walls? The only thing I could find, which Eduardo and I, I think, agree is not true. And he was looking for this long before you came in. That's right. I looked at my internet search history. I looked back. And instead of cock blocking, that

She got pussy walled? Oh, I've heard of that as clam jamming. Oh, clam jamming is probably. Oh, wonderful, wonderful. The Urban Dictionary said that. Clam jamming? I totally got clam jammed. Oh, my God. Oh, Black Betty. Clam a jam.

Yeah. And then did you try it as two words or one word? Well, it says two. I think I think it's incorrect. We don't know. We still don't know. Did you try one word with a Z? So my first thought was it has had to have appeared in a rap song somewhere. And sure enough, there's like a couple of lyrics where it says like ripping through the pussy walls.

Oh, yeah. I don't think you want to do that. No, because that feels like we're making a lateral move to the side or something. That doesn't seem right. What? You know what I mean? Right? It doesn't sound like it feels good. Yeah. This is the least hot and heavy talk ever about intercourse. The lateral move.

A lateral move near the vaginal wall. Well, I didn't want it to sound... Could lead to tearing. Oh, vaginal wall. Vaginal wall. It's vaginal wall. It's the hymen. What's that? Isn't that what that is? I don't think you know anything. Oh, okay. No, I thought ripping through the pussy wall is probably the hymen.

Oh, maybe. Am I? That makes sense. I don't think of it that way normally, but maybe that's what it is. The hymen is like a little like bag of blood that has no purpose except. It feels more of a gate than a wall.

It's more like a... I'm resting my head on the microphone. Did you ever smoke a Camel Crush before they were outlawed in California? No. You keep talking and I'm resting my forehead on the microphone. But what is a Camel Crush? And I'm just going to be listening. It's got a little ball of like menthol poison that you can squeeze and you hear it go... And then it's a menthol cigarette. And I guess what I was saying is that's like a hymen. Oh, boy.

Can you Google that? Can we take a nap for the rest of this? I think we need to take all the furniture out. We need to have it resurfaced.

I mean, I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. Um, I'm at a loss. I think I started out, if you can believe it with a compliment from Billy Crystal, how you turned your memoir, the bedwetter into a musical and how he saw it. And he thought it was brilliant. And to pass on that compliment. Now there's exploding hymens, uh, lateral penises, uh,

Reagan is yelling at Gorbachev to tear down the pussy wall. Vulgar sketches, courtesy of a ghost Marc Maron. Your sister has a crazy device that takes a rearview mirror off a Hyundai.

And people can examine themselves. And the whole podcast is just, it's over. It's over. It's over. There will never be another podcast after this one. This is the end of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

This is now Conan O'Brien needs a job. You've done this. You did this yourself. Yay. You should. No sound. You should feel good about it. You would think I would be done with vagina humor in my 20s, maybe my 30s, surely by my 40s. But there's just still so much more to explore, you know? There is. There is. And it's you speaking your truth. I'm so sorry. Why don't we talk about your penis and balls? LAUGHTER

Let's get into it. I feel like they talk like this. Like what? That was my dad trying to do an Irish accent. Conan, it's your penis and balls. Penis and balls. Penis and balls.

It's your penis, Hanpals. I think I've anthropomorphized my genitalia before on this show, and it's always just kind of petulant and whiny. Yeah. I don't wanna. It's always flipping through like the New Yorker. I'm trying to get it interested in, you know, doing something. I don't wanna.

I want to see it more of that. Is that just, it's recalcitrant. There's a word. That's a good word. Yeah. It's just kind of fussy and flipping through the New Yorker and looking over its little shoulder, which I guess would be a scrotai. Um, I want to apologize. I promised one grade school that we would donate an episode. Um,

And in advance, I said it was this episode. I just did it numerically. I didn't know it was going to be Sarah Silverman. I said it was episode 3252. So this is being live streamed to the Michael Driscoll School, which is a K-8 school in Brookline, Massachusetts. You can be anything you want to be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Today's word is scrotai. Let's not, you know. Let's elevate this. Well, or. Take it further. Or. Let's not stigmatize words that mean, you know. Yes. There are genitals. Exactly.

I mean, what's the problem? I don't see a problem. I really don't. I don't. What? What? You don't even need to say words anymore. To do Seinfeld, you just have to do...

He's held hostage and he had tape over his mouth and he'd still be like, oh God. I'm just an impressionist. Seinfeld. Seinfeld being held hostage. He wants to know who kidnapped him. He's got tape, duct tape all over. Yeah.

It's a simple question, Jerry has. It's a very reasonable, he wants to know the identity of the people they wore masks, of course, to get the ransom. Somebody must have done an impression of him like once he has dementia. Yes. No, it's who are all these people? Seriously? And who the fuck am I? And where am I? I'm frightened for my life.

That has like undertones of Mr. Howell. Yeah. Yeah, it does. It does. Just to keep it on the 70s. Another sitcom, yeah. Well, that's 60s. Sorry. It is? Yeah. Gilligan's Island? Yeah. Sorry. I think probably, I'm just going to guess. Again, these are things I know from Nick at night. Maybe 68. I don't know. Well, anyway, a little sip of water now.

Now, my brother, Neil, would know exactly the air dates for Gilligan's Island, so I could always consult him.

Wow. I swear to God, if I called him up right now, he would tell me exactly and say, oh yeah, the original air date was September 3rd, 1964, and then it went off. It was September 26th, 1964. Is it? I just made up a date. Oh my gosh. Oh wait, I think what we're revealing here is that I don't have a brother, Neil. Neil doesn't exist. Neil doesn't exist, and I just used Neil as an excuse for my insane knowledge of 60s television. Is Neil in the room with us right now? Yes.

Yeah. I am. It's like the end of Spartacus. I am Neil. I am Neil. I am Neil. Yeah. But Neil still doesn't know anything about vaginas. Okay. Let's just say Conan doesn't know anything about vaginas. That's the podcast. Yeah. The new podcast. The new podcast should be. Conan doesn't know anything about vaginas. Right. But then think of the guests we'd get who'd come in here and explain things to me. It'd be fantastic. What a great show. Yeah.

Okay. I've been looking for the picture on my phone of your mouth that I used as my vagina. That's right. I've actually been tasked with finding it. I think we should explain that for any... You should explain it for any listener who doesn't know the story behind it. What story behind it? Just kidding. Yes, and not an improviser. Just going to rest my head on this microphone. Okay.

I'm determined to conduct a serious interview with you. Okay. And you guys are welcome to jump in at any time and help out, but I'm going to forge on, which is... Let's get quiet. Let's get really quiet here. You wrote a memoir in 2010, and then you decided... And that's what I'm plugging here today. It needs to be a musical. Oh, yes. Where did that leap come from?

Actually, Adam Schlesinger, may he rest in peace, came over my apartment and was like, this book's a musical. I read the chapter titles. He's like, that's a song, you know, whatever. And then I was like, all right, we'll

We made it. Had you experienced writing songs before? Yeah. I had a show on Comedy Central that was a musical and my first special had music in it. But I didn't know that you wrote. I didn't realize you wrote all the songs. Yeah. No, I didn't write all the songs in the Sarah Silverman program. I wrote some of them and co-wrote some of them.

But in my special Jesus is Magic, which I, you know, it doesn't I'm guessing doesn't hold up because I say a lot of things that I wouldn't say today. I'd get in a lot of trouble and have. But it but yeah, I wrote this. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

You all right? Can you see my mouth moving? I just wanted to see if I could do ventriloquism. Guess what? What? You can't. That's very clear. You also have to throw your voice to be a ventriloquist. It's just not about... Well, also articulating, but you also have to throw your voice, I believe. Yeah, no, I can't do that.

Well, if the doll has had a stroke and that's its backstory, then it's okay. Hey, everybody, how are you? Oh, no, it's terrible. What happened to you? Oh, it's okay. I'm slowly getting better. I'm doing intense therapy. Well, you still don't sound great. Oh, it's a long process. I'm getting better. That's what I would do if I had to be a ventriloquist. I'd make sure the doll had a terrible cerebral event. That's what I would call it. Impressive, huh? Yes.

You did it. You got us back on track. I'm doing what I can. I'm doing what I can. But anyway, I hear great things about this musical. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. And he saw it because I saw his musical, Mr. Saturday Night, which was really great. And the woman who played the incredible Broadway star who played his daughter plays my mother.

Beth Ann. That is Shoshana Bean and she's incredible. And so he came to see it because they, yeah. Now, are you nervous if you know that someone of that caliber is in the audience? I don't like to know that people are in the crowd. I don't want to, like if I'm performing, no, I don't want to know. I actually took a chance.

I tell you this, but I remember, you know, Todd Glass. Yes. So funny. So, so funny. But I worry that he can get in his head. So it was years ago and he was about to go on at Largo. And I knew he had like some big wigs coming to see him. And I took a chance. And right before he went on, I said, I feel like I should tell you they didn't show up, but they had. But

But I felt like if he thought that they didn't show up. He'll be more relaxed. Yeah. He'll just be fucking and be super relaxed. And he was. And then when he got off, I go, I lied. They're here. And he was so happy. But it could have gone really bad, of course. But I took a chance. What if he had gone out and just bad mouthed the executive? Fuck them for not coming. Yeah. Fuck them. I don't need them anyway. They're just a bunch of empty suits. Yeah.

It was impulsive. My heart was pounding, but I felt like it was the right thing to do and it ended up being good. And now he's a big star. I think you did the right thing. You took a chance. He is the funniest. The second funniest. Third funniest. Fourth funniest. That's the seventh funniest person who's not in this room right now. Let's take it down. We'll take it down to you have a new...

Oh, yeah. Yes. And I'm going to bring it up because you've clearly forgotten, but it's called Postmortem. Yeah. Now, how long did it take you to put this together, this set? It was definitely the fastest hour I've put together before.

because of the events that it's about. My parents, you can't relate to this, but died very closely together. Yeah, yeah. What's that like? They died nine days apart. And we moved in and like dueled them through death at home. And so it's, it just, and it happened when my last special came out. I've only done, I think this is my first,

fifth special. And my last special before that was my fourth special. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't, this is a terrible right turn, but maybe, I don't know what's going on, but my elbow, if I even touch it to a surface. It hurts? Excruciating pain. It's like nerve ending or something. Does this sound familiar? Yes. Can you, really? Yeah, that's happened to me. What is it? It's like, it's

Something is weird. And then when you touch it the wrong way, it's very painful. But then it just kind of self-corrects itself. My boyfriend goes, you should call the doctor. I go, no, because in three days it will be gone and I'll just have never known what it was. Yeah. Anyway, what was I saying? My parents died. Sorry, go on. What was I talking about? Oh, yes. The two most important people in the world to me passed away within nine days of each other. Yeah. So you win. Yeah.

I'm very competitive about these things. My parents went within three days of each other. But. Oh, yeah. So as we're we're taking care of them, my last special came out. And so when I went back to doing stand up, I was starting completely over. And of course, all I had to talk about was my that experience and it developed completely.

than usual. Yeah, because those are such strong feelings. You go out there, it's fresh, you're talking about it. Would you workshop this at the aforementioned Largo? Is that where you would go? Of course, of course. Largo's, well, we did many, we did podcasts from Largo, I believe. Did we? Or did we just do, no, we did, you know, we did, we did late night shows. During COVID, we did the late night shows. Why are you talking about this like it was in 1987? I know. It just happened.

It was all during the pandemic. COVID feels like a long time ago to me. It does. It actually does. Now people talk about it and it feels like, oh yeah, COVID. Anyway, Largo, terrific space. And every time I'm there, I was there recently doing a bunch of- Oh my God, you were amazing at that.

at the Oscars. Oh, this is the point of this podcast. Thank you. You are amazing. But I worked out stuff for the Oscars at Largo and your picture is everywhere backstage. Plus, there's a big pillow of your face backstage which you donated. Yeah. It's very nice. That's a great space to be. There's not pictures of me everywhere. Yes, there are. But there's a couple pictures. There's a lot of pictures of you. I think you just bring pictures every time you go. No, I don't. But the pillow... You hang them up when no one's looking. There is a pillow with my face on it back there.

as my friend Mark Cohen crocheted it. And then he gave it to me and I lived in a tiny apartment and I was having lunch with Flanagan and I was like, I love him so much, but I can't have a pillow with my face on it in my living room. It's like, it's embarrassing. What is your problem? I can have... He goes, bring it over here. Bring it over here. Wait a minute. My penis suggested? Yeah. Bring it over here. So you did this hour. Do you think...

This is a question that I get a lot, that one of your parents was aware that the other had passed. Because most people that find out that your parents went at the same time or almost the same time think that it's not coincidental, that one person knows that the other has passed and decides to also join them.

Well, no, my dad knew that my stepmother, my stepmother had died. She had cancer. It was terrible. She loved life. Well, not blah, blah, blah. Not blah, blah, blah at all. But you know what I mean? How was your eulogy, by the way? It was blah, blah, blah.

She was so wonderful. And they were in bed together holding hands. So she was he was he was they were holding hands and she had passed away. And my sister had texted me because I had gone home to sleep for the night. And she said Janice's

passed away and dad is is would normally be awake by now but i think he in his bones he knows and he doesn't but yeah he well he lived another week and and people came to visit him and stuff and and so he knew and and he even um he was so funny in his final days like he um

Jeff Ross came over. He was very close to my parents. Roastmaster Jeff Ross. Roastmaster General, not your executive producer for my night. That would be, yeah. Jeff would not go by if your dad was on his way out. What's the point? Why would I go? There's no soup there. I got food. I don't think I'll go. He'd be talking to your dad as he was dying while texting. Oh, God.

But anyway, so Roastmaster Jeffrey Ross. Roastmaster General, yeah. And he, first of all, he came...

I shockingly have this on video. So I talk about the thing and then you see it at the end, you know, like in the credits, I put a bunch of like videos and pictures like, you know, when you see a biography or something and then you see that like the real people. I like that. Anyway, Jeff walked in and he said, everyone called my dad Schleppi. Schleppi, I got bad news. I don't think you can be my emergency contact anymore. My dad was laughing. And then Jeff had introduced my parents to this magician named Bernie Shine, who's a

closer to their age and they all became good friends. And about six months earlier, they had all gone to see Bernie do magic, you know? So Jeff is sitting with my dad and he goes, do you want me to FaceTime Bernie so you could say goodbye? And my dad said, okay. And because my dad wanted to go, he probably could have gotten better, but he was like, no, I'm good. I want to, he really just wanted to be with his Janice. So Jeff calls him and he holds up, you know, the camera and, and

Bernie gets on and he goes, Donald, I'm so sorry. And my dad goes, Bernie, your show was so bad it killed Janice. God bless him. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. And then he goes, and I'm not feeling so hot either. He knew it was going to die. Oh, my God. That would be...

I hope. I mean, I hope I'm able or in condition. Whenever my time comes, I hope I can be nice to be funny on the way out, wouldn't it? You're going to be funny. I don't know how you stop yourself from it. I just want to do like, but I really want to do long involved bits that take a long time that interfere with my medical care. You mean like in bed like...

I'm funny still, right? How was that last one? Liza, it's funny, right?

Mr. O'Brien, you'd live if you could just take this pill, but we can't get it in your mouth because it keeps moving. But right, like it's still funny, right? Like what I'm doing is funny? I'm telling you, what you have is not that bad. You just need this antibiotic right now if you just sit still. He's dead. He wouldn't stop. Come on, you love it here. You love hanging with us. We're the best. I do love it here.

What's better than hanging with... How are we doing on time? No, I'm just kidding. No, we've... That was a real Kevin Nealon. My favorite Kevin Nealonism of all time was when he was on the talk show once, and I've mentioned this, but I don't care. He's on the talk show, and he's doing really well. Everything's going great. And then there's a brief pause where neither one of us are talking, and Kevin just says, where is our waiter? And I just...

kills me. And I've seen that clip is out there. I think he's like the most underrated

Although people do love him. I mean, his episodes on this show consistently. So he is acknowledged. People know how funny. He's the funniest. I always tell, I tell Kevin all the time, I'm telling you, you're the funniest and people know it. Yeah. It's out there. It's out there. Oh, okay. So that's the line. It's on the dark web. Everybody knows. No, he's so fucking, he's so funny. And I love his jokes.

You know, his joke where he goes, this is what bothers me about like the generation after, you know, like that were of comics who are like, that's so hacky talking about airplanes, talking about rental cars, difference between New York or LA. That's because comics used to have to be on the road and they still do, you know? And that was their lives. And that's what they're talking about. It's not just hackneyed because like you heard someone tell you that stuff is hackneyed. Nothing is if it's funny. Like there's no topic that's.

You can't talk about it. Anyway, this isn't part of his joke, but he has a joke about being on an airplane. He goes, you know, I was on an airplane, you know, and I don't think that the pilot was very experienced. You know, he got on and he goes, oh, thank you for flying with us. We'll be taking off in roughly five to ten. Whoa, whoa, here we go.

And then he comes back on 10 minutes later. Oh, where is the... Oh, here it is. And he used to do impressions that I don't think not in his professional life, but he would always do impressions of the Beatles talking about

Does this ring a bell? No. I'm not going to do it right. You just have to have him do it when he's here, but it's like a...

I remember it was like I was fucking John in the asshole and I pulled down and came on his face. And that's when we wrote I will. That's like an easy version. Jesus. Like a real like an almost aristocrats version of the Beatles talking about how they wrote songs. I've never heard him go blue. I think that's why it's just only for, you know.

At home words. You just sold him out as being incredibly. Yeah, I adore him. I adore that man. We both do. He's not here, but. I mean, he's not dead. He is to me. Our thing is we don't look each other in the eye. We just will never be, you know, I won't take down my wall. He won't take down his. There's the way to see it all comes around.

Pussy around. Oh, wait, no. Okay, I'm stopping it here. Pussy here. The show is Postmortem. It's streaming on Netflix. Yeah. Postmortem. But it's not sad.

I mean, it's got sad moments, but it is, you know. It's a comedy special. It's a comedy hour. It's a comedy special. I don't think I, I just, all I did was say the title and you went, it's not sad. I said the title. You have that title. That's the title you came up with. It's about my parents dying, but I am pointing out that it is, you know, just the funny parts. A good comic can take any, any, any event. Tragedy plus tragedy.

Less than a year. Thank you so much for being here. We've said it all. We said it all like Bogie and Bacall. I treasure our friendship. I do too. And I'm happy whenever you're coming by. And I think I learned a lot.

about female anatomy today and male anatomy and that Kevin Ewan's really blue. Disgusting comedian when I'm not around. He's never done that stuff for me, only for you. Sad now. But Sarah, thank you for being here. He can also fart on command. Anyway, thanks. Bye.

Dads are a lot of things. Let's face it. I'm a dad. Yes. Got two kids. That's right. Grill masters, soccer coaches. Wait, I'm not any of these things. Gadget fixers. Nope. Strike three. They're also the hardest people to shop for. Really? Really?

Okay, I guess so. This Father's Day, let Macy's be your guide to gifting. Here we go. Yeah, Macy's is the gifting destination to shop for your father or all the important men in your life. Blay, you know, I gotta say, Father's Day sometimes is dismissed. Mother's Day gets all the attention. Yeah, exactly. I don't get anything on Father's Day often, but this year I'm banking on it. And I want people to go to Macy's and buy me everything I deserve. Everything.

Pretty much any type of gift you can imagine, some ones you might not have thought of. All at Macy's. We're talking polos, watches, fragrances. I love a fragrance. Lego, barware, electronics, barbecue gadgets, wallets, underwear, sleepwear, travel accessories, exercise equipment, and gaming gear, to name a few. And they've got all the brands your dad's just going to love. Lacoste.

Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klein, Levi's, Club Room, Hugo Boss, Fanatics, and Finish Line. Whoa. I knew two of those. Anyway, let Macy's be your guide to gifting for Father's Day. Head to macys.com slash giftguidetoday. ♪♪

Man, you know what spring is to me? What? I'm not a poet or anything, but it's a season of renewal and quality rest. That's nice. Yeah. Really good rest. You know, winter's been so cold. It's hard to sleep in all that cold and the wind's howling. Ooh!

That's wind? Yeah, that's wind or a ghost. Well, winter's over and so is the excuse to hibernate. If you're going to emerge from your cocoon, what? They're mixing a lot of things here. At least do it well-rested. A new mattress could be the boost you need to face spring and Mattress Firm can help anyone sleep all night, every night. Mattress Firm gets it

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Okay, let's do some review the reviewers. This is where we kind of read through some of the Apple podcast reviews and we can review or answer or comment on anything they say. Let's do it. They're all five stars, right? Yes, this is from Deborah PDX, okay? Called Conan the Bacterium. I love you guys so much. Have you heard about Conan the Bacterium? This is a real bacterium that can survive radiation. Check it out.

Check out the recent episode of Shortwave. Here's a quote from the episode. It sounds like it's describing all three of you. Oh,

Oh my God, he recalls thinking, there's something new that forms when you put the pieces together, which makes it better than one or the other. It's the combination in which they interact with each other. In other words, the interaction between the three components is greater than the sum of its parts. Aww. That's pretty sweet. That's going in the bacteria. But I don't understand. They say the bacteria is hard to defeat because it's got three components? They just said it can survive radiation. So, huh. Good question. What if that's what you're...

named after? Because your dad's a microbiologist. What if he was like, oh, Conan Bacterium and then you were born and then you were like, oh God, let's name this one Conan. Really mean thing to say. Well, that's not how I was named Conan. Okay. My dad went to the, I was unnamed for a little while. For how long? I was born, I don't think that long, but they were, you know, they want the name right away and my dad said,

He said he wanted to go to the medical school library and look. He didn't have the name yet. And he looked up names. He thought it should be interesting. And my dad had very specific ideas about how a first name should work with a last name. And because the last name is O'Brien.

he thought it should end with, it should elide well with the last name. Yeah, he's right. He's right. And he also wanted something that was simple. He hated nicknames. So his name was Thomas and everyone called him Tom and he didn't like that. So he wanted a name that wouldn't be broken down into a nickname. He had all these rules. And so Luke, Neil, Conan,

But where did he find Conan? He looked up, and I think it's one of the early religious figure, I don't know if it was a cardinal who was in Ireland. And actually, there's a very famous thing called the Bayou Tapestry, which is this cartoon that describes the battle in 1066 and all the things that happened when England was invaded by the Normans. And there's one panel that...

that shows a guy fleeing and underneath his name, he's a cowardly person. It says C-O-N-A-N. And then the next panel is Conan surrendering the keys to the city and he has the keys on a long pole. Like he's so afraid. He just wants, doesn't even want to touch the bad guys. He's just handing them the keys on a long pole. Oh my God. It's one panel and then the next. And my parents, uh,

years ago went to the gift shop where the Bayou Tapestry is held and you can look up the different panels and they bought the two panels and gave them to me. Conan fleeing the battle and then Conan handing over the keys and it's hilarious.

So I'm named for this guy. I was going to say. So they saw this and they were like, oh. No, no, no. That's not why he named me that. He just, he found that later on and thought it was really funny. He gave me that name because he saw it somewhere. He thought it was really, didn't know anything about Conan the Barbarian, nothing. It's cool. Yeah. Conan is a really cool, it's just, does all your other,

have like pretty traditional names. Yeah. And then you're not traditional. It's like, you know, there's that story, that song by Johnny Cash, Boy Named Sue. Yeah. Where a guy names his son Sue and he gets beat up all the time, but it makes him stronger. And then at the end, he goes to his dad and says, why'd you call me Sue? And he's just like, because it made you a tougher guy. Yeah.

I was, you know, Conan was a little like that at times growing up. Did it make you tougher? Oh, God. Well, clearly you've seen them. I'm a pretty rough and tumble fellow. You're very much like the tapestry version of Conan. I know, I was going to say.

How many keys have you handed over? It can go one of two ways. Let's just say it can either make you tougher or it makes you immediately surrender in the battle of hastings. The first time I met you, you just handed me your car keys. I'm sorry. On a pole. I'm sorry.

Please don't hurt me. So who were you named after? Your grandma? Is that right? My grandma. Yeah. Well, you know, I go by my middle name. Talim is just like, I think it was just like a nice Armenian name. But then they just called me Sona. Does Sona have a meaning? Well, she was Greek, but the name itself in Hindi means gold. That's cool. But I don't know if there's a Greek meaning to it. I don't know. I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah.

You haven't given it much thought. Matthew, are you named after anybody? My namesake really belies me because it's really cool and it just doesn't fit for me. I was named after Marshall Matt Dillon from Gunsmoke. You're kidding. What? I know. What a cool person to be named after. I know. I was almost named Festus. And that's really funny if you watch that TV show. Yeah.

My grandmother, who died the week I was born, loved that show and loved him. So she kind of, I think to honor her, they named me after him. I thought it was biblical. That's cool. To be named after a TV show from the 60s or 70s is hilarious. That's awesome. I know my name is very biblical, Matthew James, but my dad's name is James. None of it's biblical. Interesting. Very interesting. Can I point out that it says in Latin, Sona means can be heard.

No way! What? That's so funny. Try not hearing her. Okay. I'm sorry. That is so cool. I can't believe I never thought to, like, Google that. Oh, my God. Do you know what Matthew means? What? Gift of God. It is a true? Boo. You didn't get everything right, God. All right, gift of God. I'm going to re-gift this one, God. Yes.

You've got a factory irregular. What am I doing? What is this, a white elephant? Nothing, I'm jerking off the thing. I'm doing the jerk-off motion, but no one can see it. Can I say something? When you do the jerk-off motion, you always have the penis way off to the side. I know. And it's coming out at a weird angle. It's like you're around the corner. Yeah. What? And also... No, it's not salad dressing. Yeah, it's not salad dressing, and it's not castanets. Oh, my God. Oh, now you're a peppy A. Ugh.

Grind that out. Oh my God. All right. Well, let's don't look at the video for this. You won't like it. No, I know. Don't do it. I'm worried for your husband. Hey, thank you. No wonder, no wonder Tack has always doubled over in pain. Surprise. Is that how it's done? Is that how it's done?

Sona got all hot and heavy last night. It's also not just one of those, it's all of those. He's got to go through all of them. Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God, now he's at Benihana. Now he's at Benihana. Oh my God. Oh, he made the onion volcano. Okay, okay. Let's wrap this up. Thanks, you fan. We took your kind of interesting scientific fact and we got to Benihana chef chopping up with blades, tacks,

penis. Tackle. All right. Peace out, Tupac. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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