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Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Kevin. Welcome to this. What's up, guys? So nice to meet you, Conan, Matt, Sona. Hey. Very nice to meet you, Kevin. And tell us, your background's all blurry.
And your camera, your camera, I don't even want to know what's going on back there. Caleb, you're doesn't he's coming through in very vibrant color. Yeah, it's very vibrant. Kevin, you called him Caleb.
I'm sorry, Kevin, I apologize. Thinking of this, I dated a old whaling captain in high school and you remind me of him. I'm sorry, Kevin. Now, Kevin, where are you? Where are you calling us from? I'm from Dallas, the FW area. Ah, Dallas, Texas, Dallas, Dallas, Fort Worth.
Specifically, I'm in Royce City. I'm about 40 minutes east of Dallas, but I grew up in Dallas. Okay, well, I'm not planning an attack, so let's just say Dallas. You want my address or no? Yeah, I'm not trying to program a missile. But you tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah, so obviously my name is Kevin, not Caleb. 29 years old. I was going to let that go, but again...
You remind me of an old whaling captain. Okay. First time I heard that. No, but yeah, my name is Kevin. I'm 29 years old. I am a real estate agent in Dallas. Married, just turned two years with my wife. I have a dog, no kids yet. Hopefully soon. We're planning that. But yeah, it's a little bit about myself. Okay. I'm not a police officer that just pulled you over.
But still, it's nice to know all that information. So you got married when you were 27, is that correct? Yes. That's a good age. And how did you meet your wife? How did you guys...
Hook up, as the kids say. So I met her through mutual friends, through the social media. I saw her one time on my feed. Followed her. She did not follow back. I unfollowed her. Saw her again a few months later. And I was like, you're that girl that didn't follow back. And then she followed me afterwards. And then little by little, eventually went on a date. And then, you know, the rest is history, as they say. Yeah.
I wouldn't say it's history. I mean, we'll see if that's really making a huge claim, but we'll see. We'll see what the historians, right. I followed my wife and this was before the internet. Yeah. She said, stop following me. And then she started following you. Yeah. Yeah. Just to get my information for the police. So you are in real estate, the old real estate game. Yeah.
Correct. I know you have a joke where I believe you said you didn't want your kids to know exactly what you did. And I think you said that you wanted them to think you were a successful realtor. I don't know if that was a joke of yours or not, but I thought that was hilarious because I could relate. Yeah, I just chose a profession because I thought, well, when my kids were young, I didn't want them to know I was in show business because I thought I wanted them to respect their father. So, yeah. But I have respect for realtors. I've dealt with realtors. You guys do a lot.
you men and women do a great service. I'll say that. I mean, yeah, it's not the easiest thing in the world. Obviously there's a lot that we do and a lot of stuff that people don't see that we do. A lot of people just see that we post, you know, our,
our closing pictures that we got paid, but they don't see how complicated a specific deal was or wasn't obviously. Well, I watched selling the OC and, uh, and also selling sunset. So I know how much hair and makeup you guys have to go into and he has to work. You have to work for those annoying little twins. And I just know how hard it is. I know what it's like. You're shot in the beautiful golden light. Um, right, right, right.
No, but how's the market these days in Dallas? So obviously the interest rates really suck right now. I think if you have a very good credit score, you're still getting a 7% to 7.5% rate, which is not very good. But again, it's all, you're missing context, right? I believe back in the 80s, I wasn't born, obviously, but I was told rates were like at 18%.
But then again, obviously, like five years ago or four years ago during the pandemic, they were at 3%. And now they're slowly but surely rising. And it just it is what it is. That's what the market is right now. But people are still buying. Again, I live in Dallas. I live in Texas, the great state of Texas. And real estate is somewhat affordable, at least compared to New York or California. So people are still buying and selling. If you live in Texas, are you legally required to say the great state of Texas? Because I'm from Massachusetts and no one ever fucking said, well, we're from LaGuardia.
State of Massachusetts. The comb of the cod and the bean. You know, funny thing is that I was born in California, in Pasadena specifically. One of the Dinos, right, Sona and Matt? Dinos!
Yeah, that's exciting. That's where I was born. Okay, so you were born there, but then you went to the great state of Texas. The great state of Texas when I was two. Because again, it was just more affordable for my family. So I'm a Texan. My joke is that I drive a truck, not a Tesla. And I just love being here. But California is the place to be or the place to visit for sure. I enjoy going back.
Yeah. Well, I got no beef with Texas. I've enjoyed. Well, I think I've been to I've done shows. I've done shows in Dallas, in Dallas and thoroughly enjoyed the people and had a great time. And is it, you know, if you're a realtor.
And this is the question I have. What do you have to say about a house before you show it? I'm a murder fanatic, and I've always heard that if there's a murder in a home, you have to reveal that up front. Is that true?
Yeah, so I was expecting you to ask me this question, so I pulled up the actual wording just so I don't mess it up. But the wording is, you have no duty to disclose information related to whether the property has been the site of a death by natural causes, a suicide, or accident unrelated to the condition of the property. Okay.
Wait a minute. I literally live on my street was a murder house, but I think it was a manslaughter house. Do you have to disclose that? Did you find out through the neighbors or? Oh, I did. I did the manslaughter. Yeah, he was the he was the one that committed. He committed the crime.
Okay. You don't have to disclose that anymore, Matt. Keep that to yourself. No, I found out through neighbors that that was the case. And it was very much like that documentary, The Staircase. Have you guys seen that? Yeah. It's similar. But see, okay, this brings up an interesting question. So suicide, I mean, it's creepy, but I guess you don't have to report it. When you say a deaf person
that was not related to the condition of the house. So if someone slipped on a defective stair and
and fell down. Do you have to report that? Yes. Or if a piece of sheetrock falls from the ceiling and it hits your head and it kills you, it's a defect of the house. Therefore, you have to disclose it. But then, like, when you say disclose it, is it like, you know, when a prostitute asks you if you're a cop and you can't say you're not a cop? Like, do you have to wait for them to ask you if someone was murdered? Or do you go right up front and you're like, someone was murdered? Can I say something? No prostitute has ever asked me if I'm a cop. That's a TV thing. That's why.
Yeah. Is that not true? It's not a real thing. Every prostitute that I've dealt with, and I'm not, I'm say sex worker because I think that's the better term. Okay. Sorry. I didn't know you're so progressive. Well, I am. Okay. It's a profession and the oldest profession. Yeah. Well, next to gravedigger, I'm going to say. Anyway. Yeah. They never bring that up. You reek of cop. You do. Yeah. Yeah. No, they always just say, oh, you look like that guy on TV. The real needy guy. Oh, yeah.
And then I say, hey, what's up? Are we going to do this deal or not? And then I start crying and then they just walk away. No, Sona, to answer your question, my rule of thumb is disclose everything, worry about nothing because you can get sued in real estate, obviously. So my thing is, what's happened? Go ahead and just disclose it if we're required to. ♪
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Have you ever sold a murder house? No, I have not. However, I did, in my opinion, I hosted an open house that was haunted. And let me explain. I walked into the house. It was a very nice neighborhood. I walked in and I felt kind of weird a little bit. I can't explain it, but it just felt very weird. Something felt off. Very off. It was a little chilly, too. I don't know if the AC was on blast. I don't remember. But
But the point is, I showed up, I started turning on all the lights, and this specific house had an upstairs game room. So I go upstairs, and as I'm walking up, I see that they have a couch all the way towards the very end. And there's like a five-foot rag doll just laying there on the couch. And I was like, yeah, I'm not going up there. So I didn't turn on that light.
This sounds like a sitcom plot where the kids don't want to sell the house or they're trying to make it seem haunted. Yeah. Or a horror movie where that doll comes to life. Yeah. Exactly. And I think it's the latter. I think you wouldn't have felt those vibes if it was a rom-com or a sitcom. You wouldn't have felt those vibes.
It's that doll, right? Yes, it's that doll. Did you notice that when you came downstairs and you went to the kitchen, the doll was there too? Oh, no. Did you notice that? When I went back upstairs, it wasn't there anymore. No, I'm just kidding. But it was pretty creepy. I'm not going to finish that question. It's a sex rag doll. I started it and then I stopped it. The sex rag doll has to ask you if you're a cop. Okay.
Hey, before we get started, are you a cop? Yes, I am, and this is not illegal. So let's do this, okay? Second, do you mind washing me? I need about three go-arounds on the washing machine. Because you're the ninth guy here today. Oh!
Well, I'm sorry. I've dealt with sex rag dolls. It's a mess. Where'd you find them? It's just not... There's a reason they use plastics. Fucking yarn. It's a mess. It's erotic at first, and then you're like, oh my God, how are we cleaning this up? Is it...
Oh, what's that? Is it hard? Is the yarn? Oh, shut up. That's gross. You mean like crusted salt? No, no, no. Can I say something? I thought I took it right up to the appropriate place. Yes. And then you turned it into something disgusting. Just a second ago, I was like, I'm not going to say ragdoll. But then you come into that. It's just ossified with jizz. Okay, let's take it easy. I was not expecting this conversation to go here. Well, anyway, I think you were right.
You were right getting out of that house before your passions overcame you. That's why I would have laughed. I would have been like, I got to get out of here before. I mean, because, man, nothing gets me going like a five foot two rag doll. I love that it's not quite tall, but it's not like baby size. It's just a shorter person. Yeah, it's a rag doll. Why was it bigger than two feet? I don't understand. It's a rag doll that, you know, didn't get enough milk.
Not enough nutrition. And then two packs a day. It's just like a scurvy child from the 1700s. My old scurvy rag doll. Oh, man, that gets me going. I'm so hot and bothered right now. So where is this doll now?
What? Oh, no. Well, you could mail it to me. I'm writing down scurvy rag doll as the title of this episode. Scurvy rag doll. Because every... I can probably hunt down the sellers, even though that was about four years ago. Yeah, just say I'll pay any price. Deep pockets over here. Say Conan O'Brien demands that rag doll. Must have it. He jealously wants it. So...
So you mentioned your wife. What does your wife do? She used to work in a dental office, but now she has quit and she's pursuing her dreams to be a content creator on social media. Oh. So I guess she's unemployed, but self-employed. She's doing that and she's also a makeup artist. What aspect is she working on? Like what's her...
what's her specialty? Maybe I'm not saying the correct term, but in the beauty field. So she'll post stuff about, I don't know, some new hair product. She'll record a video posted and obviously, you know, different brands see, and they begin sending her products to obviously. No, it's, it's, it's, if you, if you do it right, uh,
uh, it's apparently quite lucrative. It works out well. Yeah, absolutely. That's what she does. Um, and you say kids, maybe kids in the future.
Yeah, so again, I'm about to be 30 and my wife's also going to be 30, even though she's about six months younger. But, you know, time's ticking. And I think more than anything. Yeah. Wow. Well, no, well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just had a child. Yeah. You're like a newborn and you're talking to a skeleton. They just found offended. I'm not offended. I'm just telling you, you're you're right. You're a child. Do it now. Yeah.
I'm exhausted. I can wait, but my parents are getting older and it's like, I want my parents to still play with my kids. Of course. So that's what I meant by time. Well, I know just the baby gift to send you when that time comes. Scurvy Ragdoll headed your way. That'll get us going.
Spice things up in the bedroom. That'll set the mood. Scurvy Ragdoll. Wait till I tell my wife after we hang up on this call. I just want to do the commercial for Scurvy Ragdoll. Yeah, let's hear a little. Scurvy Ragdoll, get yours today.
Tired of being alone? You don't have to be. Scurvy ragdoll. This ragdoll's been at sea for six months without any vitamin C. Stunted growth, but really a tiger in the bedroom. Only been washed twice in ten years. Scurvy ragdoll. Starved of oranges and sexual attention for six months at a time. This doll will go mad on you.
Oh, man. Jesus. What happened here? You're a nice fellow, Kevin. You're in real estate. You're in Dallas, Texas. And then this happened. And I don't know. I just feel sorry. I feel terrible. Do you have a question for the show? Do you have a question for me that I can answer?
Yeah, I do actually. So obviously as a realtor, you have to host open houses and different people do different things. Some have cookies for guests and whatnot. But if you were a real estate agent, what would you do at your open house in order to bring in potential clients? I think saying a celebrity is going to be there. Yeah.
You know what I mean? It's just what I mean. That's how you get people into casinos. That's how you get people into any kind of venue is I would use my connections in my business, my friendships. And I would say, yeah, come to this open house, you know, whatever. I thought you were the celebrity. No, I would do it. I just don't know that that would be a big enough draw. Could it be like a casino? So like like Matchbox 20 would just be playing. I'd say, you know, it's a wonderful it's a it's a it's a.
I love Matchbox 20. Yeah, who doesn't? The sunken living room, three bedroom, four bath, and Matchbox 20 will be playing for two hours. No, make it four hours. They'll do as they're told, you know? And then, yeah. Four hours, but the open house is only two hours. So for two hours, they're just playing for you. They're getting, they're tuning up.
They're playing while I pour out lemonade and put out cookies. Yeah, I would say celebrities. I would get I would pack. I would
I would get as many celebrities in my open houses as possible. I would advertise it. And I would say, you get a picture with the celebrity. Um, and, uh, yeah, I would, I would just make it a celebrity fun filled event. Okay. And I would move a lot of product that way. I'd be selling houses that are just shit, just awful houses, houses with nobody shows up. What do you, Oh, you don't think anyone's going to show up when I tell them that cliff Clavin from cheers is there.
I don't think so. Who's that? Oh, yeah, Kevin. Who's that? Only one of the iconic characters of all time. His name's John Ratzenberger. When they hear Ratzenberger's in town, you're going to have to just take the hinges off the doors because they'll smash it over. Anyway, that's my idea. Sounds like it'll be a successful open house and I'm going to take notes right now. Yeah, if you want my help booking it, I'll do it.
I'll get you the same person, Paula Davis, who books the podcast. I'll have her book your open houses. Once she tells celebrities that they have to be at a ranch style home in the Fort Worth area for four hours while Matchbox 20 plays in the background, they'll be beating a path to your door. Thank God. There's a house I'm selling at the moment. I can't sell it. Well, when you just leave it up to me and Matchbox 20 and John Ratzenberger, who played Cliff Clavin on Cheers.
All right. Well, it was very nice talking to you, Kevin. And I wish you all the best. You seem like a nice guy. My best to your wife. We didn't get to meet her, but we will next time. And very nice talking to you. Thanks, guys. You guys have a great day. See you.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.
And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.
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