Shownotes Transcript
Sure, we got blue jeans, baseball, bald eagles, but come on. There's really nothing as American as the burger, right? And there's nothing more burger than the Sonic Smasher. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this thing is made to order. Hand smashed, Angus beef patties.
seared to perfection with those incredible crispy edges that make you want to start a slow clap. You know what I'm talking about? That kind of slow clap where you're like, yes, Sonic, you brought the Sonic Smasher. Then there's the layered melty cheese, crinkle cut pickles and onions too. On top of it all, on my mind splitting, try the Sonic Smasher as a double. Or why not? God forgive us all, a triple. Make the Sonic Smasher your next new favorite burger. Live free. Eat Sonic.
Back when my wife and I were shopping for a home, I remembered, eh, it's exciting. It's fun. Yeah. But also there's so much you got to worry about and think about. Homes.com is home shopping the way it should be. Yeah. It's more than a website. It's your partner in finding the perfect home. Get to know potential neighborhoods with Homes.com's comprehensive neighborhood details. That's good to know. You don't want to buy a house and everyone sucks. Yeah.
No, it's the worst when you buy a house and everyone sucks. Homes.com features the listing agent on each listing so you can easily connect. Plus, agent directory and profiles offer a detailed look at each agent's experience so you can find your perfect match. Sometimes someone's like, yeah, sure, I'm a housing agent. And you're like, really?
You don't look like one. You know what I mean? You're just you're you're wearing like a towel. What's going on? You're soaking wet. They'd live there. Yeah. Go to homes.com to learn more. You want the facts. That's not their slogan. I just made it up. Homes.com. We've done your homework. All right. It's time for an episode of the Conan and Jordan show.
Of course, we just heard Rush. Oh, yeah. And that's one of your favorite bands, if not your favorite band of all time. You hear the growl of that Moog synthesizer, indicative of early 80s synthesizers. No, it's actually Moog. It's a Dutch name. It's actually pronounced Moog, if you really want to be accurate. All right. And Moog himself. Hey, do me a favor. Yes. Just a quick favor. There's a little slice there of Go Fuck Yourself Pie. Would you have just a little taste right there?
I know a lot of people equate synthesizers with the late 80s sound, that is to say bright and blaring. I'm talking specifically about 86, 87, and 88, the most horrible, arguably, year. But when you talk about early 80s, you're more of a buzzy synthesizer sound. You came out of the gate so hot, so fast, that we're in danger of scaring off the listener, even big fans of yours. So just take it easy, take a breath, and let me introduce people to the concept of
of Conan and Jordan having a show together. I'm constantly stopped in the streets by people who say, you have that crazy Jordan character. Is he real? And I say, yes, he's absolutely real. And we thought, what better way to delight the SiriusXM listener than by capturing some of that magic right here in the studio. And that's why you're here, Jordan. Okay, I understand. And we play that song up front because you have made it very clear you love Rush. You love that Tom Sawyer song.
And we're here to learn more about you and maybe learn more about our relationship, how we get along and how we relate to each other. I as human, you as robot from the future. I see. Sent here to destroy us. I'm not completely convinced that we have a show. I feel like when most people get a show, there's some kind of feeling of accomplishment. Will I be financially compensated for this? We'll talk about that. I haven't been engaged. You should just be proud of...
That you're here with Conan O'Brien and that your thoughts are being captured and put out into the atmosphere. I think that's the achievement. Money, what does money do? Money just muddies the waters. It soils the whole enterprise, don't you believe? Yeah.
I think my artistic services should be adequately compensated. Well, first of all, you're calling yourself an artist now? Yes. Because you can babble on about a Moog, Moomk synthesizer at length? Moog. And if you're an artist, what is your medium? A spoken word, clearly. Oh, okay. All right.
All right. Some work in oils, some, of course, in clays. You work in raw irritation. You're a difficult guy to speak to, and yet I overcome my irritation to be with you today because it clearly does delight people. Okay. And that's why we're here. And there's so much to talk about, first of all, when I...
I won't name the protein bar, but I have a protein bar here. And you noticed it and you mistook it for a candy bar at first, but it's just a protein bar. It's covered in chocolate, right? I don't think that's chocolate. That's not chocolate? There's a brown substance coating your candy bar? Yeah, I don't even know what that is, but it's not chocolate. It doesn't taste good enough to be chocolate. I'm not aware of any alternatives to chocolate that have that brown appearance. Well, I can think of one, but...
It's called a McShitty, this bar. And I enjoy it. It gives me that little something I need in the middle of the day. I traditionally only eat two meals a day. It gives you something you need? It does. What type of protein is in that bar? A low quality protein like pea or soy? Or is it like a high quality whey only protein bar? I don't want to get into it. That's not what we're here to talk about. Yeah.
And what's the balance of protein to carbohydrates to fat? Do you just shove something in your mouth because maybe your trainer recommended it or did they have it at your gym? I don't understand. Jordan, what do you think what you're doing right now is worth monetarily? Yeah. Is this your art right now? What I'm saying is bullying someone. This is a slow burn. Why don't you go to go for like rapid fire laughs? We're here. People are driving to work. This is slow and steady. OK, anyone listening to this right now has probably stopped their car along the side of a road.
And possibly is thinking of ending it all. So don't make any assumptions about what the listener is doing. Okay. I don't know what's in here. I actually don't have my glasses in studio. Let me borrow yours, Frank. He's look, Frank is letting me borrow his glasses. I can't reveal the name of the bar. Protein blend, soy protein, isolate calcium. Right out of the gate. Genetically modified. Is it genetically modified? Well, I am.
I've been genetically modified. No one's this funny naturally or this good looking. Yeah, it's sodium casinate. All this stuff that was in the Bible in the Old Testament. It's alkalized cocoa. Why don't you try like a Rise branded bar, which is just like 100% whey protein. Okay. All right. Here's your money. There you go. There's your money for your art that you just practiced by irritating me.
You know, this actually leads us nicely into our topic today. Okay. Which is I wanted to talk to you about nutrition. Now, one of the things that fascinates me about you, Jordan, other than your complete lack of a heart rate or any kind of brain function, what really fascinates me about you is that you...
You embody so many contradictions. I'm fascinated by this strange dichotomy in your diet. You're all about healthy foods. But am I correct? You have a real weakness, fondness for junk foods. Well, there are like any human being. I'm not impervious to marketing efforts by various large corporations that produce processed food products.
I have cravings like anyone else. You always talk like you're in a deposition. Have you noticed that? There's not this is not a deposition. This is a conversation between two friends. Me compensated you not. I don't understand why you talk that way. So you're saying you like junk food.
I'm saying I have certain cravings. I candy is not a particular craving of mine. I would never eat a bar such as the one you're eating that's covered in a chocolate like substance that smells like chocolate, looks like chocolate. But according to you, may not be chocolate. I don't have cravings for candy. You know, I'll have like a tiramisu. I'll have a that's some ice tiramisu or ice cream. It does not count. I'm talking about.
I think I remember going through your office and finding boxes of cereal. OK. And and let's talk about that. OK. You like children's cereals. It's interesting that you bring that up. I would say once every three to four years, I'll get a craving for some commercial breakfast cereal. OK. And well, OK, when you say commercial breakfast cereal.
Specifically, what are you talking about? Give me some brands. Oh, I'm talking about your Kellogg's, General Mills, maybe even a Quaker. Those are not... I want specific... You're telling me about companies. I want to know the names of the cereals. Tell me the names of the cereals. Oh, great connoisseur of foods. Tell me what these are. First of all, I do not believe that any breakfast...
Every breakfast cereal is healthy, OK? Even if they're marketed as such, even if they don't have added sugar, I believe the whole concept of extruding wheat or other grains is indigestible to the body, makes the body work hard. Even supposedly healthy cereal like Cheerios, which is marketed as having whole grains, I don't think is healthy for the human body. That's my own belief. I'm sorry if I get the show in trouble for saying so now. Not at all. Now. No, not at all. Not at all. And first of all, I'm going to make it clear. Those are your views, not mine. Yes.
All these cereal companies you mentioned, I'm a big fan of. I love those companies and I'd love to be in business with them. And I'm willing to hawk or market anything that they're selling. I don't care if it's irradiated. I have no soul. But you, Jordan... If I'm going to fall off the wagon, understanding that I don't believe any of them are healthy, I'm going to go for the maximum impact,
satiate my craving so that craving goes away and I'm dormant for another three to four years. Give me the name. OK, so while I made some new discoveries recently, but historically, I would say my holy grail, my guilty pleasure would have been like Froot Loops. Now, regarding Froot Loops, you have an American version of Froot Loops and you have a British version of Froot Loops. Wait a minute. There's a British version of Froot Loops? Hold on. They have a British version of Froot Loops?
First question, is Toucan Sam on the box or is it a different bird? No, it is Toucan Sam. Or is their bird a lady, which is what the Brits refer to as a lady? Who says Toucan Sam isn't a lady. Sam is a gender neutral name. Very good. I like the way you've evolved. Go ahead. There are certain regulations in the European Union that prohibit the use of artificial colors, for example. So the Froot Loops in the UK have different colors. They're colored by natural products, turmeric,
spinach, things like this. And sure, the colors are a little more muted than the artificially colored product we get here in the United States, but that's a small price to pay. And furthermore, I found that the Froot Loops in the United States have a hydrogenated oil and the British ones do not. I've never had the pleasure of consuming the British ones. They're not readily available. Why are you shouting?
Why are you shouting? This is my normal tonality. I don't think so. And by the way, we have a man, Eduardo, who can adjust the input level to compensate. No, lower the irritation levels, please. Okay, I would like to try the British Fruit Loops. Nevertheless...
Fruit Loops was always my holy grail. And I'll tell you something, not about Fruit Loops, but about Trix, which is a General Mills cereal, okay? So they also have artificial colors here. And a number of years ago, General Mills took the admirable stance and they said, we are going to phase out artificial colors in our cereal. And I said, finally, what?
Our country is moving forward. They listen to the consumer. The consumer votes with their dollar. Consumer trends show people want healthier. McDonald's offers salads now. So now finally, they're getting rid of artificial colors. And they did. And of course, the colors were now natural. They were a little more muted and the cereal tasted exactly the same. And suddenly there was an
angry letter writing campaign by Americans complaining about this change. People saying this is not the cereal I grew up with. I do not want my children having these disgusting colors. And I'm thinking to myself, you're blowing it. You're blowing it. We're finally moving forward as a nation. And you're you're you're saying the exact opposite of what you should say.
People were so disappointed that Cheryl wasn't as bright as it used to be, tasting exactly the same. And you know what General Mills did? They said, sorry, we made a mistake. And they put the artificial colors back in. And that's regression. And I'm incredibly ashamed of this country's reaction to the naturally colored. Well, I love America. I'm a proud citizen of the United States, and it's been very good to both myself and my ancestors. So I disagree.
When America makes a decision, I back it 100%. Second of all, you're under this impression that people buy their cereals based on the company that made them. No one goes to the supermarket and says, where's the General Mills aisle? Okay. And where's the Kellogg's aisle? I favor General Mills to Kellogg's. No one cares. Just talk about the cereals. I'm telling you, going forward-
You know what I mean? No one does that. No one else does that. No one even thinks about who makes these cereals. It's not important. So your dream, the dream was Fruit Loops. OK, but recently I had one of my cravings that I wanted to satisfy and I was in the supermarket. So I went to the cereal aisle and I said, let me just take care of this, nip this in the bud and then it will disappear and I can eat normal cereal.
unprocessed foods for another three years. So I filled my basket with my Holy Grail Fruit Loops, and then I mixed it up a little bit. I also did Golden Grams, which was also one that I have liked historically. And I went with a Lucky Charms, which is like a wild card, guilty pleasure, another one of those super sugary cereals. And then I went with Quaker Cereal Life, which
Life is not quite as sweet as some of the other ones. And we don't need to know the company. Just say life. OK, life cereal. Now, I did some experimenting and I had some revelations about these cereals. Now, as a grown man, you know, I change as I go through life and my reaction every few years is different than the previous occasion. So I determined that while life I still enjoy the taste and it's lower sugar than the others. There was some digestive instability. What?
Did you get the runs? Did you get the shits? There was some digestive instinct. Did you blow a big gasket south of the border?
What happens? Sometimes you feel stable in the gastrointestinal tract and sometimes you don't. So you had a whatever. You had a six hour make out session. First of all, you had a six hour make out session with your toilet. Is that what happened? I don't want to overstate this. There was no violent reaction. I'm aware of the subtleties of my body. You see, I look deep beneath the surface. Subtleties of your body. It sounds like you ate something. I don't know why you're laughing. I'm not laughing. I think this is look at you. You look maniacal.
That's my face. Let me tell you something. If that's your face. I don't need a violent explosion to tell me something is wrong. I know I can detect subtleties in my body and my own digestion. Well, how subtle was it? You may not have even noticed it, but I'm telling you, I thought. I'm not sitting. I'm not sitting. I'm not hanging out. I study my body. Dude, I'm not hanging out by your toilet.
Why do you keep bringing out the toilet? Because you said you had it. I said there were digestive instabilities. Digestive instability usually means one thing. For you, it does, because you're a man of extremes, okay? So you hear this and you imagine a man on a toilet bowl, beat red face, sweat flying off his body. What are you talking about? What I'm telling you is...
Do you need to know this particular? Isn't the fact that there's digestive instability already a red flag to stay away from life cereal? Again, no offense to the Quaker Road Company. Stop mentioning the companies. This is my own personal reaction. Don't mention the companies. I do a lot of business out there. I am a very business-friendly comic. What I'm saying is I prize my gastrointestinal stability. I like to have certain conditions. I like to feel empty, light, and...
Okay, light on my feet. I don't want to be bloated. I don't want excess bulk. I just want to be empty. You don't want to be running to the toilet at three in the morning. Listen to me. Does the toilet scream when it sees you coming?
There's a pressure. It's a subtle pressure. OK, you feel a pressure in your bowel. Yeah, sometimes. And it's very subtle. OK, it's not that subtle. So the problem is when you have when you have this pressure, it desensitizes the bowel to what normal pressure should feel like. Anyway, regardless, let's move on from that. So I eliminated. So that's your critics, food critics. That's your food critics.
Your food critics report on life cereal. In my case, there was some digestive instability. A heaviness in the bowel. An unstable, subtle pressure.
OK, so I rejected life cereal from the running, although I did enjoy the taste. And there are some people that may be completely stable. I can't speak for your own experience. OK, so I put life aside. Now, Fruit Loops was not as great as I remembered it. In the end, I found it monotonous. The Fruit Loops, it was a one one tone. And what really surprised me was fruit was Lucky Charms. Let me talk a little bit about luck. I mean, I say I'm a fan of Lucky Charms.
Well, there was a time when I was a child when I thought, well, maybe this is a misrepresentation of the Irish people. But I came to embrace it. And I love Lucky Charms. Here's my take on Lucky Charms. OK, first of all, I remove half the marshmallows. I found that there are too many marshmallows as a stock. No, no, no. There's too many. No good thing. The marshmallows are like the best part.
I'm not saying they're not. I'm saying less is more. Actually, I think there's been a movement to have them make a Lucky Charms that's only the marshmallows. And I would be behind that. Okay. Because the other part of Lucky Charms is just a conventional...
Well, it's funny you bring that up. And I made a discovery. Now they are made with General Mills and I recognize that's leading to something. I recognize that the flavor of the non marshmallow part was very familiar to me. And then I realized they're Cheerios. They're honey nut Cheerios. They are sweetened Cheerios plus marshmallows. Same company, same ingredients of the non marshmallow portion.
You just, you know what I'm saying? You just did. You just blew the lid off this thing. Because I did. And if you remove half of the marshmallows and you eat Lucky Charms, you're eating Cheerios, sweetened Cheerios, plus some extra bonus marshmallows.
Yeah, there they are. Here we go. Lucky charms. All right, here's lucky charms. Take out half the marshmallows. No, don't take out half the marshmallows. I love the marshmallows. You can have half of my marshmallows. Well, okay, we should share an apartment then. Because then I could get all the marshmallows and you could just eat whatever this other... I mean, basically, that's a packing material they put in there. Did you know that Amazon uses this as their packing material when they ship?
I love the marshmallows. And I also love when I was a kid, they just had these just were monochromatic. It was just an all yellow or an all gold. Now they have different faded colors. They've spray painted each marshmallow individually. They're encouraging this use of artificial colors as those people that wrote those letters to General Mills did. It tastes really good, this stuff.
I think you were right. I'm going to say this. I don't agree with you on much, and I think a lot of what you've said is pure idiocy and lunacy, but your choices are correct, oddly enough. Fruit Loops are superior, and Lucky Charms are superior. They're both quite fair. See, I told you I was disappointed by Fruit Loops. And now I'm just eating the marshmallows, and you know what? I'm in heaven. Yeah. I actually feel wasteful when I throw away half my marshmallows. It's good to know that you would have appreciated that. Don't. Can you save them for me? Yeah.
Can you save them for me? You know what? You can buy your own marshmallows. It's ridiculous to suggest that I would save them and transport them to you. You want some Froot Loops? Yeah. Let me try the Froot Loops. Take a look at the British Froot Loops and understand that they taste the same and tell me if you would really... I can't wait till I... at Customs.
Heathrow. And they say, what's your business here in London, Mr. O'Brien? And I say, I'm here to check out your Froot Loops. I'm laughing at you, not with you.
Are there other foods besides cereals that you go crazy for? I mean, is it- You're talking about processed foods? Yeah, processed foods. I mean, I know that you like Pop-Tarts. I know that you like- I don't like Pop-Tarts. That was- I found them in your office. Yeah, in 2008. Okay, so what happened? Shot in 2007, by the way, aired in early 2008. Okay, I'm a good driver. That was December. We shot it in December. Wapner's on at five. Okay. Good driver. Good driver.
That's great. I'm happy for you that you're happy. Yeah. Processed foods are not my weakness. So your aberrant behavior, you say, comes in cravings. Yeah.
I do want to make, call something to your attention. Okay. I am a fan of crime, true crime. And I've done a lot of- Crime itself or documentaries about crime? I love crime. Okay. I'm a coward myself, but if I could get away with it, I would. All right, go ahead. But serial killers, specifically many of them have described it's their urge that comes over them every couple of years. And then they go insane. Their eyes get demonic the way yours did when you were talking about Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms. And-
And they commit these horrible acts. Their faces splattered with blood. And then they compose themselves. They clean up the scene and they go back to their, quote, regular lives where they're very contained and robotic. You exhibit all of the same traits. It's the same. It really is the same. The only difference being that some men kill people and some men eat cereal. You say tomato. I say tomato.
You're a murderer through and through. You can eat your soy protein impervious to any criticism while I'll consume high quality whey protein and once every three years I'll have some lucky charms. All right. Well, I think we've exhausted this issue. And by the way, that means that you've exhausted me. I want nothing more to do with you. We're going to take a little break. We'll be right back.
You know me, Sona. Sometimes I like to get away from the hustle and bustle of the podcast, the television show for Max, my rock and roll concerts. Oh, why? My modeling gigs. I like to just disappear, get away for the weekend. And you know what? When I do, I like to think, hey, maybe I could host...
on Airbnb, my place. Yeah, I think you could. And then I think, yeah, but it's just covered in pictures of me. It really is. There's a lot of pictures of you. Giant paintings of me with various basset hounds I never owned. But you, you do this all the time. I do. And I'm actually planning a camping trip to Kern River and I am going to put my place on Airbnb while I'm gone so I can make a little extra money. And guess what? I just got a sweet new blender. So people staying at my place,
Can use that blender. That's nice. People looking for, I bet a lot of people are saying, well, I don't care what kind of place I'm in as long as it has a blender. It's an amazing blender for anybody who wants to stay at my place and I can make a little extra money while I'm out under the stars. It just makes so much sense in these modern times. It does. Just think about it. If you host
While you're traveling, it's a great way to offset some of the cost of your own trip. Yeah. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.
Let's talk about a word that gets thrown around a lot. Gringo. Okay, now first off, gringo is not about where you're from or what you look like. It's not a dis, it's a diagnosis. It means you're doing it wrong. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Gran Centenario, the number one tequila in Mexico. I'm getting a thumbs up from Eduardo that I said it right.
That's a hell of an endorsement since Mexicans know tequila best. Handcrafted in Jalisco, family owned and with centuries of heritage. No gimmicks, just smooth, rich tequila made the real way. And it's Mexico's number one tequila, not number two, not number dos or numero dos.
Not pretty good? Number one, uno. The reposado is so good, aged in oak barrels, and it's so smooth. Not burn your soul on the way down strong. Warm notes of agave, toasted almonds.
And dignity. My favorite flavor. Hey, waiter! This soup could use a little more dignity. So next time you're reaching for tequila, skip the gringo stuff. Try a gran centenario reposado that Tequila Mexico drinks. ♪♪
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Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. Jordan, when I walk this earth, and I do walk this earth, people are always asking me about you. Do you get questions when you walk around? Do people come up to you and say, hey, I know you, you're that guy, Jordan? They do. Yeah. And what's their...
What do you hear from those people? What's the feedback you're getting? Well, the mere fact that people approach and oftentimes want a photo or a selfie already tells me that they're appreciative of the work that I guess you and I do together, the artistic work, our contribution. Well, people have tried, you know, if they see Sasquatch, they try and get a photo. So it's not always a compliment. It's like, oh, Jesus, there it is. Let me try and get a photo of it in real life.
before it scurries away. But people are nice to you. Yes, they are. Do they question you about our relationship in real life?
Uh, I can't recall any questions about you, uh, in particular. Uh, Oh really? They're not interested in me at all. I get questions about myself, but, uh, you know, that's fair. That's my own experience. I, you might get questions about you and not me. No, I only get questions about you. How often do you hear people ask you what you do on the show and what your, what your duties are? Uh, generally it comes from Conan.
Uh, no one else asked me what I do. Um, it's a fascination of yours. Well, it's a fascination. I have to say, um, while we're in the course of the time that we've been doing this, uh, this radio show, you've constantly asked me when you're going to get paid. And I think there's no proof that you've actually done anything for me, uh, in 25 years of employment. And yet you've been steadily paid. So I'm just curious, why should I pay you at all?
You may owe me tons and tons and tons of back pay from years, years of working for me and being well compensated and living a very nice life and going to wonderful restaurants and traveling the world and doing what I can tell is nothing. Every time I've quizzed you on what you do on the show, you have no idea. And now all I do is want to chat with you briefly on the Sirius channel.
And what do you say repeatedly? When am I getting paid? How much am I getting paid? Where's my money? That's offensive. I thought we were friends.
Yeah. Nevertheless, I believe that artistic contribution should be compensated. What is art? What are you talking about art? There's no art here. I'm talking about in when I'm finally engaged by Sirius and given a contract, I expect to be referred to as the artist in parentheses. That's generally how these things work. Are you an artist? When you walk your dog and it poops, do you say, ah, the artist is done?
I would like to now frame his work and pick it. Is that is that your is that is that your attitude about what art is? I don't have a dog. What I'm telling you is a hypothetical dog. Yes. And why do you hate dogs? What I'm telling you is I'm not. You don't like dogs. I'm not responsible for the U.S. financial system and the business model that exists where if you work, you get paid for that work.
I didn't invent that, but nevertheless, that's where we are. I'm going through life here. Your eyes are crazy again. I'm just going through life in this society like everyone else. Your eyes are insane again. Right. Are you aware what happens to your eyes? Want me to do it for you? I don't know. Your eyes get very wide. Okay. There's a sharp break.
a crazy break in the eyebrows, and you get a frozen smile, otherwise known as a rictus, a frozen smile of a grinning ghoul. The smile that a corpse gets when it starts to, you know, decompose. The muscles pull back and it gets a frozen, eerie, crazy smile. The death mask.
That's your face. These are my human expressions. I did not craft this. I didn't ask for this body. I was given this musculature. No one asked for that. I was given this facial structure, and that's the way my facial structure reacts to any number of stimuli. But you could work on it. Have you worked on trying to have a regular smile? No, I have not worked on trying to have a regular smile. Well, you should work on it a little bit. Mm-hmm.
You know, you only get one life. You don't want to walk around. And every time. What do your kids think when you start smiling on their birthday and they think, why is that? I haven't had my smile other than they're terrified of you. I haven't had your children don't want to talk to you. They're terrified of you. Yeah. Sometimes my child, a child is too afraid when there's a masked, grinning, murderous clown in the house. A child doesn't go up to it and say, let's talk about this.
So I'm just saying you have there's a chance here. You should talk to your wife and maybe there's there's we can help you. So what's your specific complaint right now? What's your grievance that my smile is aesthetically? Here we go again. Yeah, I don't know. Is that what you needed to express? It looks evil. OK, it's sort of evil and maniacal. OK, so, Jordan, you're going to we've agreed you're going to work on your smile and on just being a little more normal. OK, so.
That will make you more comfortable for me to have a different smile. I guess I could consider it. I don't know that it's within my path. How's your workout regimen? What are you doing these days? Oh, yes. Well, you know, this is a complex question. It really isn't. Possibly beyond the scope of this medium. Simplest question of all. What's your workout regimen? What are you doing? Yes. Well, primarily, I like to lift heavy objects. I believe in resistance training, also known as strength training. I train
stress my muscles beyond their capacity to prompt them to grow larger and stronger. Why do you do that? Everyone knows...
what building muscle involves. You don't have to explain the process. I don't know if everybody knows. You take that for granted because you have high-powered trainers. The point is, if you don't stress your muscle beyond... I don't have high-powered trainers. You have to work out to failure, okay? You have to work out until you can't lift another rep. Oh, buddy, you're there. Look at your face. You just took a torpedo amidships. You're going down by the bow. Of all my employees, you're the one that's been the most...
honest with me over time about my appearance. Okay. And it's not always easy for me to hear. Oh. And sometimes it's very painful for me to hear. But could you just
Tell me how you think I'm looking these days. How are you looking these days? Well, uh, be honest and you don't have to be mean if you don't on purpose. First of all, we need to be relative. We need to be relative to your age. Okay. I'm not going to assess you as if you were a 20 year old. Um, do you look as good as a 20 year old? No, of course not. You wouldn't expect to. Uh, so there's that. Uh, so you've got, you know, age and, um, you know, uh, there are certain, uh,
Look, you're a nice guy. I mean, what I'm saying is what I'm saying. Right. Look, look, there are. I mean, not wait a minute. I'm a nice guy. Physically speaking, you have strengths.
OK, what's your posture? And for a taller guy, you know what? Most people, when they hit puberty, people that are tall, they kind of developed a hunch stance because they're trying to like diminutize themselves because they feel a little. No, I didn't hit puberty. No, I just skates. But I stayed erect. No, for a tall man, you're quite you are quite erect. You you stand with good posture. But why you I mean, you can say clearly I work out. Isn't that clear to you?
Oh, well, I know that you work out because I know you and we it's come up in discussion. Yeah, sure. No, but when you look at me, when I look at you, be honest. Come on. You can tell I'm in pretty good shape. Who knows what you would look like if you didn't work out? So by that reckoning, I'm guessing that working out has certain benefits to your visually. You want to know how you visually look? Yeah. When I walk into a room, what are you thinking?
Well, look, a man is a complex sum of his parts and then and then some. I don't just dissect your physical appearance and separate it out from everything else. When you walk into a room, I say there's there's a man and he's got some strengths.
This is like the worst day of my life. What can I... I don't see why it's so hard for you to say... I hear a lot of compliments from some of the people that work here, younger people, and they say, oh, you look really good. You look thin. You look like you work out. And you don't say any of those things. Well, I don't know what kind of feedback you're looking for. Do you want thin? Well, sure. I mean, you're not obese. So, you know, I mean...
I've seen you different weights over the years. That's okay. There were different strains and pressures over time. Sometimes I probably self-medicated with food, but I think I've got it all under control. I mean, look, this is not late 2004, early 2005. That's the period when you really thought I went to shit, didn't you? No, you looked great. That's when you looked great. That's when I looked great? No, you had a good few years, even through 2007. A few years. A few years. No, I can hear. Fine. At your peak.
What do you mean my peaks? Is this the lowest you've ever been? No. This is a lot of people think I look younger than, say, a 60-year-old man would normally look. Do you think that's true? Yeah, I'd say so, yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're not, I mean, 60, is that like a senior citizen? But by the strictest definition, I don't know when. When do you not have to take your shoes off at the airport? 62? Yeah.
No, I'm just saying, like, I don't understand what's considered elderly, but you do not look elderly. Thank you. If people think 60 is elderly, you gang, you do look young. And I'm pretty spry. I think there's a good chance I could take you in a fight. I think I would tear you apart. Yeah, you've got height. Yeah. No, you do have muscle. No, no, not just height, but I have strong muscle tone. Absolutely. I could totally rip you apart. Yeah, even at your worst in 2001, 2002.
I was upset. There was a lot of horrible things happening in the world. So I ate a pizza pie. What's the problem? Every now and then, terrible things would happen and I would compensate by eating a pizza pie. So when you say you had a bad year, like nutritionally speaking, what are we talking? Late night binges? Like, what were you doing to gain that? I was doing everything. I'm just saying, how does it happen? I wasn't worse than well.
No one was writing in and saying that I was the tub of late night. What I'm saying, was it just that every meal was slightly bigger? Were you just eating late at night before being at rest? You know my issue. My issue is I can really lock it down, but then, like you, I have times of insanity. Okay. And there were some times of insanity. But are you eating like hot dogs, like large quantities of hot dogs? Anything I can get into my fat face. Right, right. Like a snake, I would unhinge my jaw and I would shove stuff in there. Was it portion size that got you? It was everything. Right. Everything. Everything.
And yes, I was I somewhat monstrous for months, several months, maybe in 2001. But then I snapped right back into this immaculate form. And you're still beating me over the head because I went off the rails for a couple of months. I'm answering the question that was asked of me. You look better than you did back in the early 2000s. OK, thanks a lot. And you say that I'll never get back what I had in the late 2000s. By the way, I've deteriorated as well. I mean, I mean, I'm answering. We're not talking about mentally. We're talking about physically. Yes.
I've deteriorated as well. I would expect you to deteriorate. I'm not deteriorating. Every day, I get better and better, stronger and stronger. He looks good. For what? I don't even think for. I think I look fine. You look fine. Fine is a good word for it. It's probably the perfect word. This is terrible. Eduardo, would you weigh in? Sure. I mean, is the only thing he's saying, do you think he's being a little hard?
Or do you think he's accurate? You can be say whatever you want. And you can work for for. So no one. That's why is it always for that? We see the world through a subjective lens. You understand we consider a number of possibilities. You don't exist in a vacuum. Your physical appearance doesn't exist in a vacuum. When I look at you, I think of your life circumstance. I think of your aura. I think of so many things that are far more important than your physical shell. Physically, sure, you're deteriorating.
as we all are. And it will only get worse. And not even in a linear scale. It will be exponential. It's going to go fast. Do you think I'll go downhill fast? The difference between 60 and 70 will be far more dramatic than the difference between 50 and 60. I don't think so. I think 60 and 70, I'm going to do pretty well. I think 70 to 72 is when I go right in the shitter. I think that's when I become just a total mess. What I'm saying, there will be times when you look back on this video, for example, and you say, God, I was an Adonis back then. Look at me now. I'm saying this is
from this point forward, as good as it's going to get for you. Now, sure, you can make certain improvements to your lifestyle, nutritionally speaking. But that's not going to change that much. Right, exactly. I could go to Britain and have their Froot Loops, but it's not going to get that much better. You know what I'm saying? This is the beauty of the human experience. There's a rise and a fall.
This is the period where, look, I didn't make these rules of nature, but they exist. Your body is useless to human evolution at this point. We know that you have value to us, but Mother Nature doesn't know this. Your genetic programming doesn't know this. You are, as potentially everyone in this room, a couple of very good-looking men in here, you are deteriorating. You are in the decline, the decrescendo, the plummet.
All right. Well, this has been fun. Well, I want to ask you a question. You were saying that you were kind of beating around the bush those two bad years, the decline years. Oh, yeah. What was wrong with him in those years in your estimation?
And thank you, Frank. Yeah, my pleasure. You see, I'm being prompted to be critical and then I will be criticized for being critical. What's worth mentioning is when people do decline, sometimes they decline in different ways. OK, we have different deficiencies. For whatever reason, your own particular deficiency was somewhat unique among the people that I know. Sometimes I see people get bellies. I see people, you know, have a
lose muscle mass. You had a very specific deficiency. Your face and your body itself stretched horizontally. You widened your face, widened. I don't understand the mechanics of it. I was with child. What I'm saying is I was carrying a baby. Unless there was I was carrying a baby. OK, so now in case there was like an injection of human growth hormone to widen the bone structure of your jaw, I don't understand the mechanics of my face. Now, does it look the same?
Now you look okay. You're not too wide. Why don't you fucking say I look good? I'm a good looking man. Why can't you say that? You have strengths. You definitely have strengths. We're out. You definitely have strengths. We're out. We're out. We're out. You know, that's it. Anyway, this has been the Conan and Jordan show. Soon to be just the Conan show again. And I'm very depressed. I'm going to go have... I'm going to go have wine. And it is...
It's a little after two o'clock in the afternoon as we record this. I'm going to have a lot of wine and that face is going to plump up real nice. But Jordan, thank you for joining me. I do appreciate it. It's my pleasure. It's the mini Moog. You see that growl? It's a growl. Yeah. Yeah. No one cares. This is your favorite band? Bob Moog.
Dutch name, of course, Moch. Just like a stroopwafel. You're familiar with the Dutch treat stroopwafel, the O-O, stroop meaning syrup. No, I didn't know that. Wafel meaning waffles. Yeah, wafel is, of course, waffles. We were just, I was just informed we were just canceled. Yeah. Wait, no, I just heard we're back. Who's even assessing this show? Ha ha ha!
The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez. Our supervising producer is Andrew Groose. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.
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