Ep 556 - Spud Sucker
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The Wild Wild West. Yes. Yes. What a, man, what a little, what a week. What a crazy week. What a absolutely crazy week, man. I'll say this about Shannon. Yeah? The funniest thing to me about Shay Shay defending himself was being like, you only have a 30 second video. Release the full 10 minutes. It's like he was like, I didn't fuck for 30 seconds. I fucked for 10 minutes. Put the whole sex tape out.

He's on a mission for some male sex award. He's been talking about this for years. Like, I'm a deep sea fisherman. I plumb to depths. He's always talking about his dong game. It's a dangerous world. Eventually you get caught up. Yeah, man. Dude, I was reading a... It's the high seas. True. You know what I mean? You can't be a deep sea fisherman. You can't be, man. He's too old for that, dude. You know in articles now they include internet comments? What?

One of them I was reading on The Root. Did you ever read that publication? Yeah. The Root. It's usually... Yeah. A lot of it's like clickbaity stuff, but one of the... Oh, it gets me. The takes. Some of the takes... I'm back, by the way. You're back. I'll let you finish. I'm back, though. I'm back in my evil ways. Right-wing king. I'm back. Right-wing king. Saw Sinners last night. I'm back. Dude, the funniest takes, one of them was...

You know, you have like the whole situation going on. And then it's like one of the top takes is like no way. Like a BM will allow a WW to talk to him this way. Never allow a BW to talk. It's like just someone who's pissed being like they'd never let a black woman talk. They're using the Kirby's terms. BW BW BMs will let BW or WWs talk to them however they want, but they'll never let a BW talk to them like that. And it's like, dude, that's your takeaway on this.

I haven't looked into anything about it at all. Other than I just saw a little bit of Shannon defending himself. But it just cracked me up being like, it wasn't 30 seconds, dude. It was 10 minutes. Or just be also like, release the full tape. We can all relate to that. Release the full tape. It's like, bro, come on, man. He wants tape. I mean, I get it. If you're painting in the corner, that's a bad corner to repaint it in. But it's a phone call. Aren't they all calling one of the girls on ESPN a whore? Who? Who?

Yeah. Who called? No one's saying shit about Shannon Sharpe's out here putting out sex tapes. What'd Skip get fired for? He was being a horny ass. Oh. Yeah. I saw Skip do that debate about LeBron. It looked like he was going to get gang banged. What happened? He just did one of those things where you sit down and people argue with you. First like 25 people. Yeah, it was like LeBron versus Jordan, but it started with he was like, I'm Skip and I'm going to... And there was just a bunch of dudes standing behind him. It looked nuts.

These people are bonkers. Yeah, I don't understand the need for that level of discourse where it's like having two people have a conversation is not enough. I need to see somebody verse 25. Right.

it's a fetish it's fully porn it's literally it's bukkake yeah it's literally by the way we've all been there you go i'd like to see her take on more than just one guy let's see what 25 looks like i wish i hadn't done that i'm not the man i thought i was yeah they did someone said that was an ancestral dragon like a dragon for like you know for sharp messing around with these snow bunnies

Leave them buddies alone, bro. True. Dr. Umar said that. You need to see sinners. Dr. Umar needs to fucking worry about his own house, man. You need to see... Sorry. I don't speak about another man's house. Don't talk about him, dude. He'll get you. Let him, bro. He defends Shannon, but on one condition, that he leaves them snow bunnies alone from now on.

That's what he said. You got to leave the snow bunnies alone. You got it, bro. Especially that guy. Nah. Nate? Nate? Big no from me. I'd like you to leave the snow bunnies alone. That's something me and Dr. Umar can agree on. I got triggered last night, dude. What happened? Saw Sinners. What's it about? It's about evil Irish vampires attacking black people to steal their souls and music. Ha ha ha ha.

To steal their rock and roll. What was this on? It's a huge movie. Obviously 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Obviously. Yeah. No, the movie fucking does rule. It was a very good movie. Irish Vampires? Yeah, it kind of hyped me up. At one point they sang Rocky Road to Dublin outside of the... I mean, it's basically Dusk Till Dawn with Django. There's a Django scene. There's a Django scene. You'll see when you see it.

Where does it take place? You're never going to guess. Jim Crow, Mississippi. You're never going to guess. One of our proudest moments. Yeah. There's running back the hits. There's a running back. The big time hits. No, it was... The movie was good, but again, it was... I'm working on not being able to... Not getting triggered by...

Yeah. Race baiting. But that's not... The movie was good. It was a good movie? Yeah, it was good. But why were they fucking Irish vampires? The evil white vampires did kind of piss me off. And the only white people in the movie were evil...

Nasty folks. Dang. Yeah. Do you think it's strategic at all? Because people make that argument a lot. Yes, obviously it's strategic. Well, I'm saying right now... They shoehorned Native Americans and Asians into the good side. What? So it was everybody against the honks, dude. The honks were outside going... So the 1800s Asians were like, hey, my black brother...

Yeah. They still don't do that, dude. It's 2025. It's 2025. What happened to that community? Or they fell apart? I don't know. They had it figured out back then. It's a thing in the Delta, I guess, Mississippi, where Asians did go there. And due to Jim Crow laws, opened bodegas and shit. Yeah. To be like, you guys can fucking...

Yeah, they're a middleman minority. That's their whole thing. And they did that, I guess, back then. I don't know how prevalent it was that it needed to be in the movie. I don't know how many fucking Choctaw Indians were running around in 1930, but, you know, fuck it. There was vampires, so... What was the vibe in, like, the... The vibe in the theater? No, the vibe... You went in the theater and watched? I saw it last night. Oh, shit. Yep. I was one of the few honks. You're talking about in the bodega. Whenever they'd make a point in the movie, I'd hear a lot of... Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And it didn't piss me off until I got on. Well, actually. I almost was standing up and going, uh... If you look into the actual history, I don't know. I don't know. What do I know? You've never been there? I wish you did. The only thing that bothers me, it's not that movie. It's just that that's how people get their history. Yeah. That's what they think was real. Yeah.

Always. No, not the Irish vampire. But like I got on Twitter and someone was like, that's why black people don't have welcome mats to let vampires in. That's just old Mississippi voodoo. There you go. Yep, for sure. Every single thing that we do today was from that. What? I think that was just one dumb person, but.

What the fuck do welcome mats... It's about vampires. Not letting them into your house. Does that let a vampire enter if you have a welcome mat? Technically, you welcome me into your house. Yeah, I guess. What? I don't know. You'll see. The movie does. Michael B. Jordan fucking rules. He rules in it? He fucking rules. And he plays a twin brother. He plays himself twice. What? Which normally I fucking hate. Yeah. He did a great job. He nutty professored. He nutty professored out.

And it was pretty good. That's awesome. When they told me he was playing his brother, I was like, oh, that sucks. Yeah. And I saw it and I was like, man, he's pretty fucking cool. You did a good job. Fuck. Dang, dude. He's cool. I hope he kills all the white devils. And he got them. He did get the white devils. How do you kill? What do you shove like a potato in their heart? How do you kill? A potato dagger? They want to suck your potatoes. They're trying to get in there. Give me your potatoes.

Give me your spuds. I know you've got spuds in there. Let me in. I'd like to suck your spuds. I know you're keeping the spuds back there. Let me in there. Yeah, the music scenes were fucking sick. Really? Yeah. You'll see. Whatever. I'm complimenting a lot because I got frustrated. You too. You're going to love it.

You guys are going to... I'm really looking forward to seeing it actually. I would love it. Let's get a white movie. I mean, you think you'd get sick of the story after a while. What do you mean, let's get a white movie? Where we kill all the other races. Oh, you can't do that. Why? You guys do it every single fucking time. We used to do it. We had those movies. I know. They were a big hit. I swear to God, I think they showed Birth of a Nation at the White House. Yeah, remake Song of the South. Yeah. Yeah.

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This is the first Irish vampire movie. Black people just stop being portrayed as bad guys necessarily all the time. I don't remember them being a bad guy in a movie.

In the last 30 years since I've been alive. If they're a bad guy in the movie, they're still like the star of the movie. Like Train and Day. Like Denzel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Train and Day. Or I guess John Q, he was kind of the bad guy. It's always Denzel. Denzel being a hero? Yes, Denzel being kind of a hero, bad guy. I guess it was more the Russians were the bad guys. Russians have been bad since 1980. I feel like there's got to be some black bad guy movies.

Or maybe they just portrayed like thug henchmen all the time. I don't know. Thug henchmen are always white. It's like a fucking Home Alarm System commercial. Yeah, true. It's always two white guys breaking into your house. Like, give me your potatoes. Maybe I'm just thinking... I might just be thinking of the news in the 90s. That might be what I'm thinking. The news. The news was crazy. No, that's a horse of a different color. I'll be getting movies mixed up with the news. Yeah, movies since I've been alive. Now, I will say they did hit black people with...

cool black friend sidekick yeah for a while yeah which come on we're trying yeah i'm going right now this is the honks trying their best movies now it's white friend sidekick in black movies that's nice we've switched yeah i watched g20 you guys are gonna love that what's g20 oh come on man it's the it's the best film what's what's g20

It's a Michelle Obama biopic. What? No, it's not. It's Viola Davis plays a kick-ass war hero that becomes president and saves everyone's lives. It's time to save the whole world again. It's good? It's good. What's it based on? It's based on evil white guys break in to try to kill the coolest black lady and the coolest black husband and their kids. Enough, dude.

It's very good. Enough. Enough. I've had it up to here. Dang. Meanwhile, Unk is sweating right now. Unk's all right. It's the Unkpocalypse, dude. It is the Unkpocalypse. Fucking Kanye. Kanye has Unkapals right now. Kanye might be a vampire. He sucked his cousin. He fucking wanted to suck his cousin. Well, I love how they're like, he allegedly sucked his cousin. It's like he said it himself.

I mean, it could be making it up. It could be just chatting. But that one seems, that's a tough one to put on yourself. That's the weirdest troll. Yeah. And I was like, maybe this song, I listened to the song. I'm like, this is so disturbing, dude.

Because Blizz tricked me. Blizz was like, the song's actually pretty good. And I was like, how could that? And I listened to it. I'm like, no, this is not. This is making me feel weird. I'm on an airplane right now, dude. I didn't listen to the song yet. It's just him in auto-tune being like, I suck my cousin's dick. It's crazy, dude. It's crazy. He says that in the song? I think. Oh, this song fucking rules. I gave my cousin head. That's a, yeah. I gave my cousin head. I gave my cousin head.

It's crazy, dude. You sound like Big Daddy Mark. I love Big Daddy Mark. Too bad, you know who? Whatchamacallit, Nate Dogg's not around. I'll give you my cousin here. Yeah, that'd be good. The hook master. Suck his dick every day. That could have been the summer banger, dude, we were talking about. Yeah, we need that. Instead, we got cousins. Is that what it's called? Cousins? Yeah, cousins. That's the summer banger. Sucking cousins, yeah. They could be playing that at the club. I mean, it's just...

I'm rarely disturbed. And I was like, yep, you got me, man. I'm genuinely fucking disturbed and whacked out listening to this. This is a crazy admission. And maybe he's just really purging everything. He probably saw White Lopes. True. He's probably like, I could do that. Yeah, true. That is his pulse on the culture. He's got the pulse of the culture, man. Nate, are you skinny?

Do you lose some weight? I haven't been drinking as much and I've been in the gym. I might have lost a little. You lost a lot of weight. You're trying to avoid, after Unk got in trouble, you're trying to distance yourself. Yeah, I tried to. No, I wouldn't be Unk. You're trying to leave the Unk sphere. I'm not trying to. I would never leave the Unk sphere. You're still in the Unk-o-sphere. I don't think I can leave it. I think I'm too dug in now. Yeah. Although, you know, there's a lot of snow bunnies not taking up right now. Snow bunnies up for grabs right now. Snow bunny season. Unk had himself a little rabbit hutch, bro. He did. Yeah.

Yeah, little waz wabbits. He does kind of talk like he does. Poor dude. I mean, Stephen A. Smith played the fence pretty well. He's just like, we're looking in the matter very, very, very seriously.

He got real into the hierarchy of ESPN. He goes, I'm authorized to say that right now by the higher-ups. He's like, there's levels to this. There's people even higher than me in ESPN. They're telling me I can tell you this. They're looking into it very seriously. It goes all the way to the top. It goes to the very top. Curb street. Curb street.

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fabrication you know i mean they have the phone call which again it's like i was listening to it being like damn bro you're walking right into this the phone call was the one you just played where he said black guy chokes white girl no no no that was a goof there's yeah no there was a legit one i'm gonna on that but that's all i heard she was like i don't know how i feel about this and he's like stop she was like stop manipulating me he goes if you say that word one more time i'm gonna choke the shit out you

And he goes, she's like, you think I want that? He goes, I know you want that. It was kind of like, damn, you stopped me. It's so damn sexual. He's so freaky, dude. Yeah, that's just being a freak bowl. That's what it was. I don't know if it was some weird BDSM play. Wait, you're not allowed to say you're going to choke someone on the phone.

I think you can unless they are suing you in court for sexually assaulting them. That's, you know. Ah, that gummit. Yeah, that gummit for sure. Once you get a wasqually wabbit. A wasqually wabbit in front of 12 of my peers.

So, yeah, it's, you know, we'll see. I mean, if he releases, that's going to be crazy to sit in court and watch just 10 minutes. Read those texts. Oh. Just getting freaky, bro. That might be not his. I was going to say that's everybody's nightmare. Unc might be like, yeah, that's what I do. Yeah, dude, for sure. Yeah. He already got caught up with the fucking audio recording, which kind of, that was bizarre. The live stream. Yeah, my bad. The audio live stream. And now he's like, he's just.

So hot. It's like, dude, just start doing porn, man. This is way off topic, but saying how bizarre reminded me of, I've definitely said it on here before, Bob Lazar on Joe Rogan with UFOs. It's called Bob Lazar. I was out in Area 51, Bob Lazar. Anyway.

Yeah, there's more, dude. Apparently also Dong Lemon and Chris Cuomo are beefing. Dong Lemon and Chris Cuomo are beefing right now. They were brothers, dude. They literally said, I love you every day. I watched it every day during the Peaceful Purpose. I'm glad you're sitting down. I'm glad you're sitting down right now. You're telling me that was fake? It was fake, bro. According to Chris Cuomo, it was fake. He was the one leading it. I watched it every night. Cuomo was overly like, I love you, brother. We're going to get through this. Dong Lemon was always the one that was kind of like...

All right. I love you too, bud. Well, according to Cuomo, he's coming out being like, that was all bullshit, dude. That was all fake as hell. I'm siding with Dong. You're siding with Dong. I never thought I'd say it. Maybe sinners change me. I'm siding with Dong. I'm siding with Unk. I'm siding with OJ Simpson. I'm back. In the spirit of an innocent man. Drew.

No, he's saying it was all fucking fake because Dong didn't have his back when Chris Cuomo's brother... This is all allegedly. It's very messy. Everything we've said. Huge alleged over the whole thing. Quotes, everything, quotes, and italics. Legally speaking, bold print, quotes. In parentheses, sick, whatever that means. ETC period. Yes.

Yeah, so the situation, if you don't recall, the situation at hand was Chris Cuomo's brother grabbed ass. In an Italian way. Grabbed ass, yes. But that's Italian culture. Yeah, he had some boogers. A little sweet, the limoncello. But Don Lemo, Don Limone didn't have his back, who also an alleged...

Hot dog snatcher. He had a hot dog snatch. No, he had a hot dog snatch allegedly at the Hamptons. He allegedly hot dog snatched. Capital of hot dog snatching, I would imagine. A major. It was one of the great hot dog offense. One of the old, what are you telling? Hot dogs? Snatch a hot dog at a bar, allegedly. So you'd think your brother, your brother, they were podcasters, to be fair. They were fellow podcasters. And I think what happened was it was floated. Like all great podcasts, dude.

yeah they flew too high they exploded exactly but they were floating the idea of him and dong doing the podcast together and chris just spasmed was like he's not my brother it was all fake it was all contrived it's like damn dude the fuck i watched him do it yeah it was like night after night i swear to god dong was the one going yeah all right man yeah but i think the beef came when he defended his brother live on air and don was like nah bro oh yeah yeah

Which, understandable Brutus, not going to be like, yeah, I got your back. I got your brother's back. Why would you? It's a tough time to get your brother's back there. I know. You just got to wait a year. Pomo's all about loyalty. True. It's the Italian way. Very Italian, yeah. Loyalty's in my blood. Yeah. My brother grabs ass. I grab ass. Allegedly. True. Double allegedly, dot, dot, dot. I wonder if he had Dongs back when Dong went through the hot dog scandal.

I mean, he didn't. The Great Dog Scandal. The Great fucking Sag Harbor Dong Scandal. A good weenie caper. A classic, the lights went out. They said, who did it? The lights went out. Who done it? Someone grabbed my hot dog in the parlor. What a mystery night. Lights came back on. Dong was gone. Oh, it was you, Dong. Dong. Dong, don't do that.

Yeah, man. Everyone's fighting, man. I just want a little bit of peace, man. Just want peace. Just a little bit of peace. I mean, I don't know. Hopefully, I think I'll bounce back. I think it'll be... The tapes, that's the problem, though. The tape's going to get leaked, too. There's no way. He also might leak it. He wanted it. He might leak it. He said leak the tape. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like, I was almost like, stop fucking filming yourself. Stop with the bunnies, but it's also like, he might have to film every encounter he has now. She was a wascally. Why would I...

You're saying she was a fine wabbit. She might have been baby of the week under different circumstances. Yeah, she's a Lola Bunny. Still could be. I don't see, you know. I don't want to see your eyes light up like that when you talk about Lola Bunny. I know you want to fuck cartoons, dude. Not all of them. LaMare, you're not alone. Lola Bunny's so fucking hot. Lola Bunny's unbelievably hot. And again, they took it from us. The woke left took that from us. I'm a Jessica Wabbit kind of guy. I mean, obviously.

I'll tell you what, I'm also back on my lib shit. What's up? I watched just a video today of, it was at the UFC when Trump's cabinet was there. And they do that thing where the camera gets in front of you. Every single one of them was like... Trump's cab? All the bros. Fucking Marco Rubio was like... It genuinely pissed me off. They're drinking that Zucker juice, bro. Makes me mad.

Why are they all the bros now? They're the bros now. They're all acting bros out. They are on T. That's probably just at the fight. I didn't know they were broing out. I'll show you. It's going to fucking piss you off. You can't be a repub after you see this. Really? Trust me, daddy. That's tough. Trump still gets the big fucking ovation at the UFC, does he not? He disrespected Cheryl Hines, too. I saw that, yeah. Nice, Cheryl. Good bro.

Hold on. These are the bros. Mark Ingram being funny. Sick. Deion Dawkins, beast. Yeah. Licks his wife's face. Nice. Awesome. Now, RFK keeps it classy. Yeah, he does. He's how politicians should do it. Yeah, true. Uncomfortable waves. Here's the head of the FBI. Cash Patel. Gabs. Hanglers. Who's that bull?

Marco Rubio. That's Rubio? He's allegedly on T. Bro. Dude, he... We can't have our cabinet doing that. No. They can't. You gotta keep the cabinet locked away, dude. They should be like Supreme Courts. They should just be justices. I never thought of it. Cash Patel is an Indian in the cupboard. He truly is. The FBI director. What's going on?

Fucking kidding? Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should all take a step back, man. Everyone needs to chill. Those guys aren't as cool as they think. No. The libs are probably as gay as they are being accused. Yeah, for sure. But... Keep it classy. RFK did the right thing. He did. He just... Yeah. Next to his... That's what I want out of a politician. Yeah, just... Yeah. What's going on? They also all did that. That might have been a little... I think...

Patel ruined it because Tulsi's Hawaiian. So that's probably what that was. That's her jam. And Patel beat her to the punch. It's good. It's going to be an ancient Hindu symbol. I don't know what to do. They do have the best. It's going to be an ancient Hindu symbol. You never know. Yeah, man. What a week. Yeah. What's going on with you personally? Going out of the macro level. Let's go back to the micro. Um, I had a fun experience. Uh,

And a guy gave my girlfriend his number like right in front of me, which is pretty funny. The hell? But then I got his number. So he left. So I started texting him. I catfished him for a while as long as I could. And then I said. And you were probably good at it too. I was really good. I was about to say I could see you being catfished. And then I was like, can we hang out tonight? And he was like, I can't hang out tonight, but soon. And I was like, are you awake? And he was like, yeah. I was like, can I at least call you? And he was like, yeah.

Called him. I go, it's me, pussy. You dumb fuck. You gave my girlfriend your number right in front of me, you dumb bitch. He was like, oh, dude, I didn't know. Oh, my God. So that was the other night. That was fun. What a beast. I mean, I respect him, too. And he wasn't. Now, here's the way I was looking at it, because he wasn't a great looking guy. Yeah. He was kind of an older drunkard.

Which he probably saw me with her and was like, fuck it, she'll fuck anyone. Fuck it, I'll give this thing a shot. Or he thought the discrepancy between me and her was so great that we were just friends sitting there. He saw you chatting? I was sitting with her. What the fuck? He's probably just an old, drunk, horny devil. He was a beast. I'll give him credit for that. A lot of old, drunk, horny devils shamelessly shoot the shot. I respected it.

And then I got my gun. I got an MPX. Nice. Perfect timing. I got a gun, so that guy can come fucking find out. Yeah, dude. If he literally steps in your house, you could catfish him under false premises. I know. I'd say, come over here. Oh, what the fuck? Shoot him in the back as he runs away. No, I don't want to make fun of them because the gun is awesome, and it was a gift, and it's really cool. But they painted it, and it's eagle's colors.

With an Eagles logo by the clip. And they gave me a fucking Call of Duty. They gave me a Fortnite gun. That's... And that... It's cool, but, you know...

You should shoot him. You said Nate saw it, and me and Nate went and fired it. It's a great gun. Did you get to shoot it? Yeah. Yeah, it's an awesome gun. It shoots like, it doesn't move. Yeah, you can't miss. Yeah, so it was sick. I think Brad was shooting that guy's dick when you were trying to shoot. Wait, what? The target. I was blowing his dick off. Oh, yeah. It was crazy. Perfect. You can't miss. Fucking 20 shots straight to the dick. You literally cannot miss. Center grab. That's where you got to go, dude. Right to the center.

Yeah, that's what we were told, too. Yeah, no dick shots. Dick shots are off the table. No, bro. Turns out that's actually a good place to shoot someone. It's perfect. Because you got the dick and all these arteries there. And, you know, if you shoot, you're shooting to kill, bro. Yeah, but I'm not. If I discharge my firearm, I'm... You're going for the dick. I'm trying to dispatch you into the next world. For sure. I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to find out. He's still in the fight if he's wounded. I'm going for his teeth. I want to make sure he's not in the fight. Take out the sidearm. Yeah, you can still get it. You got to write the dick.

All right. No dick shooting for me. No dick shooting. Even if someone's breaking into your house to disturb a piece. You're going to shoot them right in the dick. And you're going to go, oh, I'm so sorry, dude. I didn't mean to do that to you. But you deserved it. But I got, yeah, I got a gun, but they painted it. So it's kind of a silly. I mean, if you do murder someone defending your home.

And then the guns, if you just like being the victim of the gunshot wound and they show like an Eagle's gun on the news, the whole family, like God fucking damn it. Yeah. Shot him with a fucking Eagles and their Cowboys fans. Cause they're going to be down here. They're definitely going to be Cowboys fans. Well, man, how do you feel about that? You like it? You got to do a dance after you kill somebody. Sure. Now I have to, or just jump, just, just jump in the corner. Just do like in the corner. Yeah.

Yeah, I hope it doesn't happen. I had something like that very early on when me and Brittany both came off the apps because there's always those weird, that's that gray period where like, did you delete Tinder yet? Yeah, you got to delete Tinder. And she had a guy when we were first together, messaged her on Snapchat. She fell asleep. I saw the notification go off. I went, what the fuck? Opened it up. A dude did like a check out my ab shot. And I just responded back. I'm like, dude, what's wrong with your stomach? Closed it out. Deleted the message. Fuck you, dude. Yeah.

Send him into a tizzy? Would you have like a hernia or something? Yeah, I actually felt bad after I catfished the guy. Nah, you did the right thing, man. Fuck that guy. I hope he knows it was all in good fun. I mean, was it? It was pretty bad, although I did go get up and look for him immediately. I was like, what the fuck? I'd be pissed, man. Yeah. To get real business results today, you need professional-looking content. Meet Adobe Express.

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I run into the problem when I would like go to places. We went to like some kind of fucking street festival in like South Philly. And like young black dudes will sometimes will see me and just be like, fuck this guy. And just it's pure, total disrespect. And I just go total white boy crazy every time you have full spaz. And they're like, what the fuck, dude? Relax. I thought you look at me. I thought you look at me. To be fair, they got this. Are you a random old white guy walking next to her? What the fuck? Oh, you want to fucking fight right now?

Now they're scared of us. True. Now they know we're vampires. Irish vampires are coming to get you. We're taking your music. True. French fries are on the table, too. Oh, yeah. You can grab your fries, bro. I might grab a hot dog. I might break in there and grab a dog if I need to. And I would have your back. And then shoot the dog and then go. I'll say, what are you, a fucking queer? I'll grab your dick. Stop making me grab your dick. Yeah, I'd have your back, too.

yeah i'd have you i'd fully have your back when i know you would bullshit you're not some fucking dong lemon you're cuomo at heart i'm total familia bro i also i do want to say this because people are gonna be gay about me talking about sinners the irish vampires might have been a little nod to irish uh oppression what happened because that's how they became vampires they there's certain people that can play music so good that it communes with the otherworldly

And the Irish are one of them. So they can play the music. Yeah. Rocky Road to Dublin gets the evil ghouls coming. Just so you know. That's so funny. Well, I was saying it's kind of strategic a little bit because they're really pushing. There's a lot of unrest in Ireland with the immigration. But Ireland's being like, bro, we're literally an oppressed minority being displaced. Or an oppressed country, whatever, being displaced. Why can't we be cool? The problem with Ireland, they better fucking let immigrants in.

True. What the fuck have they been up to their entire fucking... Immigrating. Yeah, that's all they do. They go, I saved up enough money. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Headed to America. I hear they have black potatoes. I mean, you are entering into an absolute cauldron of overt racism. You're like an immigrant. I'm like, I'll go to Ireland. It's like, bro, pick another one, dude. These guys truly don't give a fuck.

I was at a comedy show one time, like a long time ago. It was like an open mic or showcase. And there was like Irish immigrants there. And I was with Sid the Kid. And as soon as Sid left, he's like, this guy will steal your shoes off your feet. Be careful. And I'm like, yo, bro, relax. Chill. Yeah, I did that in Dublin. I did a joke and I was like, I was like black football teams. And the whole crowd went, boo. And I was like, yo, we're not allowed to boo black people. Yeah.

I know you guys are allowed over here because there's like six of you, but chill, chill. We're just having a piss. They were having a piss and they knew it was funny and everyone in the room knew it was funny, so everyone was laughing. Truly the capital of funny. They are. They're the funniest people on earth. Funny vamps, bro. They're the funniest vampires.

One, two, three, four, five. A rocky road to Dublin. That'd be nice to host a screening right in Dublin. You're going to be scared of the Irish after you see this. Rightfully so. Oh, I mean, they are pure spazzes.

those spazz on you yeah they're they're definite spazzes i just i still don't understand ireland have the scariest spazzes it's yeah we've talked about it before just through the gritted teeth quiet spaz he's been looking at me all night put the silencer on it get down this sort of

They do put the fucking silencer on. I remember my aunt would do it to my cousin. You can't poop in the basement toilet. It's not for pooping. It's not for pooping. It's not for pooping. You keep pooping in the basement toilet. I told you a hundred times. What was with the plumbing? Because we had a toilet that was like that. Like, don't shit in the basement. I'm not. It's so confusing. I don't know what it is because that's like all the plumbing's right there. You think it would like, you know.

mash the turds up right into the ground or wherever plumbing goes but yeah you shit in the basement toilet man you gotta be careful it's the gravity i don't know we gotta ask those ladies from the spaceship they probably understand physics i'm back on that too that fired me up i'm getting hit with videos of katie perry's dumb ass yeah that was i was uh

That was like cracking me up. The defense of it, I was watching Gayle King because they got back and they thought, for real, thought the world would be like my heroes. They thought shit was sweet, dude. They came down and literally the whole world was like, shut the fuck up. And they were mad. And they were like, well, just for your information, the Blue Origin mission is to get like trash from Earth and send it into outer space. Yeah.

So jokes on you. And we were raising awareness. It's like, bro, Bezos owns a fucking newspaper. He can raise awareness. Yeah. He doesn't have to send. Yeah. Could have been in WAPO. He could have said, I mean, dude, if he's going to try. Yeah. Or if he's going to like really grab attention, there's other no offense to them, dude, but there's other babes.

It'd be like me going somewhere and being like, we're just raising awareness. They'd be like, okay, dude. Yeah, that could have been better babes. Better babes. Better babes. That's what we wanted. Different bunnies, man. They could have grabbed some different bunnies. What if they just took the last six babes of the week? Just launched 10 deformed ladies with huge asses. But yeah, so that joke's on us. They're raising awareness about sending trash to outer space.

It's also like... See how that works. Yeah, send the fucking trash then. If you guys want to raise awareness, blast trash in outer space. That'd be sick.

And although I don't like how much trash you're going to get up into outer space. Yeah, it doesn't seem too feasible. Yeah. Like, dude, I just one fucking dumpster. You just keep dumping in the ocean. Fuck it. True. Now we need to get the dolphin consciousness, dude. I have dolphin consciousness. True. Fully. Did you see? Gardini sent me a video about dolphin consciousness. It's so good. What about? They're a bit of a Kanye. They'll fucking suck their cousins.

Dolphins will suck their cousins. Yeah, I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was very informative. It was just a black guy rapping about how we need dolphin consciousness because they can heal us if we have problems. It was pretty sick. I thought it was a real thing. No, it was just a sick video of a guy doing a dolphin consciousness rap. That is good. Just hitting you with pyramid facts. He's like, dude, fuck you. So I'm talking about... What? It's the craziest thing of all time. Well, we're not allowed to say it. You can go ahead.

Dude, there's a lot. There's a lot. There's, you know, there's a lot about dolphins. We don't understand. The brains are just as big as ours. Brains are just as big. I think they might be a little bigger. True. All right. Is that why they rape? What the fuck? We're talking dolphins. Yeah. Every animal in the fucking. Yeah. How do you think animals mate? Although there are courting. No, no. Dolphins rape guys. Dolphins rape other male dolphins. They all stick their dicks in like their blow holes and shit.

And they take the dolphin away before they do it because they know it's bad. They know it's a rapist. They know it's rape. Raper. Like the other dolphins will take it away or like they're using their fucking. That's probably a telekinesis. They're like, bro's about to go nuts. Apparently the dolphins are there's sly devils. I think there's like a lady that live with dolphins that end up jacking them off. Yeah. Yeah. There's people get a little fucking horny around. Well, there's that whole job. Huh?

The dolphin killed itself because the lady had to leave. Really? Yeah, they found out about her jerking off the dolphin. They reassigned her and then the dolphin just like drowned. Yeah, John Lilly. John Lilly got like, that's pretty nuts. The dolphin drowned. John Lilly was like... He's just like, I'm not going back up. Dude, he...

I'm not getting jacked off. It's been a fucking week since I got jacked off. I'm staying at the bottom of this tank. Fuck it. Fuck it. Dude, that dude John Lilly wrote a whole book. He got a giant grant, I think in the 70s, from the National Institute of Health. I think millions of dollars. And he just did LSD in a float tank and fucked with dolphins. And then wrote a book.

to like because he had to like come up they were like give us something what did you find and he even said he admitted to it he's like dude the first hundred pages of this book are pure nonsense then like in the last chapter he wrote about how sick it was to do LSD with dolphins and they got they were like you son of a bitch that'd be the coolest fucking thing in the world I know till one of them turns on you and fucking bends you over a barrel

those fucking dickheads that would be nuts if you're just like tripping so hard with dolphins just like this is amazing and then yeah you fucking there was a guy who claimed he would fuck the same female dolphin he would swim out and fuck this dolphin what fuck i gotta find that it was a great story yeah it was disgusting he should be executed their sonars their sonar heals us yeah true that's the other thing and they think they're extraterrestrial

I mean, dude. 432 hertz. What do we fucking know? What the hell do we know? It's just on our heel list. It just does. Just does. I mean, bats don't. They might. Well, then we need to get to that bridge in Austin. Yeah, we got to. True. Margaret Howell Lovett was a lady who jacked off dolphins. Jacked off the dolphins? I think so. Dang. Margaret Lovett. I think she was with Lily. I think Lily was. Lily had a sick. John Lily.

I get a sick op going. How's it Peter the Dolphin? His name is Peter the Dolphin. Peter? Oh, yeah, Lily was with him. Was with the Jackoff. That was his whole operation. The National Institute of Health gave this guy millions of dollars. And he had a lady jerking off dolphins, and he was just tripping in a float tank being like, I'm about to figure it out. The dude is a man. I'm going to put it all together in a couple minutes. Hey, Jackoff peed again. He's horny.

That's funny. Let's see if Pete can tell you before he's going to come. Is she really? Dolphin's still alive. She works at SeaWorld. Yeah. She works at SeaWorld. No, she's like 80-something. Dang. She was known for living with and attempting to teach Peter a bottlenose dolphin to speak in the 1960s. Part of the John C. Lilly project. She was trying to teach the dolphin to talk. They taught the fucking gorilla how to do sign language.

What the fuck's a dolphin? To talk, to speak. It said speak, not like communicate. I think they make a lot of different noises, so maybe they just figured they'd try it out. That'd be so sick if a dolphin actually talked. I think she wanted to go, oh, fuck. Yeah.

They're trying to teach a dolphin, I'm gonna bust. She did. Eventually, Peter, being an adolescent dolphin, frequently had sexual urges. Hold up. She was jerking off a juvenile dolphin? Yep. Not cool. Not cool. Which disrupted his lessons, and taking Peter to a downstairs pool with two female dolphins proved to be a logistical issue for Lovett. Eventually, Lovett relieved Peter's urges herself, stating, it wasn't sexual on my part, sensuous perhaps. Ahem.

It seemed to me that it made the bond closer, not because of the sexual activity, but because of the lack of having to keep taking breaks. And that's really all it was. You're saying jerking them off decreased the amount of breaks? You think that would increase the breaks? Little dolphin siestas. That's pretty hot.

That was part of Peter. It would just become part of what was going on, like an itch. Just get rid of that scratch and we can be done and move on. She's not wrong about that. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I mean. That's the hot part. And it's government money well spent. I feel like that is a piece of knowledge a lot of people need to know. It could just be, you know. Love It might be the only cool lady on earth. She might be the only one that understands it's just an itch. It's just an itch. Just scratch the itch and then we can move on. It's just an itch, man. Then I'll go to the Charlie XCX concert.

I'm not going to the fucking Charlie XCX concert unless you scratch the itch a little. Yeah, true. You might get a little antsy at the XCX. What if I get antsy in my pants? XCX is only saying, I don't care. I love it. Love it. Jerking dolphins. Yeah, I love it. She's right about that. It's just like, dude, I, yeah, I mean, that's, again, that's been my cause forever. It's like,

Bro, just... I'm a machine. You are a machine. Just treat me like a machine. You're a complete machine. Every three days, I told my babe, I was like, bro, three days passes, and you haven't even just gripped me. Something's wrong. I need to be gripped. Just check in. Just grip me up. Give me the anus. How's this? And I come to squares. Squares. Give me the squares. Oh, man. Matt, if you know me, look, guys.

If you want to make your mom happy this Mother's Day, it's simple. Call her. But if you want to go the extra mile, and you should, it's your mom, get her an Aura digital picture frame and send her some meaningful photos. This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. We'll just snip it up and send it in there. They didn't say when it has to be read verbatim. True.

That's true. So I'm a fine print guy, Matt. True that. I can't wait to show my mom this picture of me flexing shirtless. Oh, yeah. From behind. Flexing from behind. Shirtless. Showing my back, traps, glutes. My mom needs to see my gains. Close up on my glutes. It's actually a good idea to aura frame out.

And send your mom befores and afters of your gains. For sure. She probably hasn't seen you in a while. Go, this is what I worked on. Yeah, man. Wait till you've done the gains. Don't just send her a whole before album. Eighth grade to now, just being like, I'm such a fucking... That's actually a great idea. That'd be nice, yeah. Just flexing hard. I'm going to start taking the same picture every year. Compile it in an aura frame for her. That'd be nice.

What would you do? What would you send your mom? I would send my mom a picture of me doing like male cheerleader moves. Yeah, just like supporting Brittany from underneath. And it's also like, you know, with cheerleading, I'd hope she'd be mature enough to know that my hands are going to be

They're going to be in there, but... That's what it is. Come on, man. But that's male cheerleading. I think my mom would understand that. She would understand that. An Aura Frame is exactly what she needs to store and display all those pictures. You can even send her a picture the next time you're talking to her on the phone telling her about that game you went to. There's a reason Aura Frame was named Best Digital Photo Frame by Wirecutter. That's no joke, folks. That was in Wirecutter and featured in 495 gift guides this year. What? Yeah.

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Mother's Day is on lock. Also, you guys can catch me at Cobb's Comedy Club, San Francisco, California, Crest Theater, Sacramento, California, Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington, and then Hollywood Improv, Hollywood, California. Please come. Yeah, go to ShaneMGillis.com for a ticket. I'll be in a bunch of cities.

Goodbye. Oh, wait, Guard Dog, do you have a show you'd like to promote? Yes. You know to get in front of the camera. You know that. Okay. Would you like to join me? Are you coming, Lemaire? Oh, Nate's not allowed. That's interesting. Well, Nate, do you want to come too to promote the shows? Hello, everybody. It's us, Lemaire, Sean, and Nate, and we're here to promote the Optimum Noctis. May 6th at the Creek in the Cave and also April 27th. Are there any good guests? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And also, if you're not in Austin, Texas, please join me for a night of stand-up comedy in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on May 6th. Because I went to the show and it wasn't good.

I went to Optimum Noctis and the lineup stunk and there was 20 people in the crowd. No, that was just, no, that's just a joke. It seems more like an excuse for you three to go fuck off than that. No, that's not true. It's the first Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave. Please join us. And then I'll be at Philadelphia Helium on May 6th. SeanGardini.com. Please come. This Sunday, April 27th, live paintings in the mouth. Speak easy. We got a special guest. And yeah, paintings in the mouth. That's it. All right. Sorry, guys.

God bless you. Thank you. You are a machine, but you're a little dinged up right now, huh? Oh, my God, dude. I fucking... It's an Easter miracle that I didn't get, for real. It was an Easter miracle. Seriously injured. We were at an Airbnb near my parents' house. And, dude, from a rental perspective...

like insurance wise and you know shout out to them it's i'd like seeing people take chances but they have a like seven foot six foot seven foot high just a zip line you just like you know the kids are doing it and last year i would do it i'm like watch this and i you know when you jump up you went to the same airbnb last year yeah yeah same place you lay a lamp

Exactly. They have a tub full of Legos like this deep. It was so fucking fun. I mean, they have a piano in the first room, keyboard in the basement, guitars throughout. It's just for real the best house. It's awesome. And we're doing Legos or whatever. They have the zip line.

And like when you do a zip line, you know, it's like, you know, pause, but you have to pull your legs all the way up. So I like I was like, watch this, guys. And I jumped up ass first. Dude, it'd be like standing on a six foot ladder. It's as high as these fucking things. Oh, my God.

And I jumped off that, kicked my legs up and landed flat. The thing just completely disconnected when I jumped off. So I just out of nowhere, just it happens in an instant. Cannonball directly on cannonball, dry cannonball onto my left ass cheek. Thank God. Onto moss, too, because this zip line, it's like right away. It's a soft patch of moss. And then it's like these giant boulders that are just fixed in the ground. Holy shit. If I fell in the boulder, I would have broke my fucking tailbone.

If I even landed on my tailbone, I could have broken it. So I jump off like six feet high and then land on my ass and then smash my elbow. I did heal up. I had some scratches on my elbow. This was all fucked up. And then the final was my neck just went like that. And I was like, I broke my neck. I totally definitely broke my neck. And my brother's like, dude, you're all right. And the kids are like, oh, and my little fucking nephew was like, so I pop up.

I was like, it's not funny, dude. It's not funny. You hit him with the science. You're like, it's not funny. Your uncle fell from the zip line. It's not funny. You're lucky I didn't hit the rocks. I landed on some soft moss. Some soft peat moss.

And then I got up and did like a just a circular spaz walk where I was like just waiting for just something to like, I don't know. I was like, dude, this is hospital time. Yeah. What noise did you make when you hit the ground? I don't remember. It was definitely like. It's like a wind knocked out your type. It was like jump. It was a jump. And then like.

where I was coming to like what the fuck happened I was like oh my god I fell got up and like you know everything kind of hurt but I was like I don't have to go to the hospital and my dude my brother even like you know when your brother's like he was like nice talking like are you alright he when I finally like got to like came to he was like bro for real I thought you were going to be doing hey buddies at Wawa for the rest of your life he's like I for real was like well Matt's done

Good run. He's over. He's fucking done. If you were in a chair, this would be a sick pod. That would be nasty. You'd be smarter. True. Then you could understand quantum physics. I, for real, I was like it would have been Hawking, so I would just have to Hawking's out. You'd have to. Or Reeves. What did Reeves do? Reeves didn't really get into physics. Was it true? Yeah, but did he fall off a horse or hit a ski? Fell off a horse. Yeah. What happened to fucking Hawking's?

It was a degenerative disease. Oh, okay. So he didn't like fall. He just got his shit got fucked up. Yeah, bro. I for real. I for a second was like, I fucked myself up. I broke my neck. Something's wrong. My, you know, my spine's fucked up.

Totally fine. My knees right now, the only thing still nagging me is this goddamn knee. I think I twisted it when I went down. But other than that, dude, miraculous survival. Yeah. And imagine if the dude like apparently, first of all, imagine if the kids fell. Yeah. Which some would argue like, well, they wouldn't have because they're not 180 something pounds. But it's like my brother, we like re hooked it back up. And Billy was saying when you jump on it, like the thread comes out a little tiny bit at a time. And I just really accelerated, maybe popped out eight threads at once.

I hope they sue you for breaking the zip line. True. I might countersue. Christ's sake. Don't sue me, dude. I'll settle out of court, dude. Don't bring it to the public, dude. I'll settle. Release the fucking tape. Release the full tape. Release all 10 minutes. I don't fuck for 30 seconds. Release the tape from last year when I shredded the zip line like five times. Then you got to like, it comes up against a tree. So you got to like kick the tree at the end. It's fucking so tight, dude.

I literally could have sued. It was total grounds for sue. Yeah. But I'm not like that, man. No. These guys opened their house to me and I shouldn't have been on the zip line. Yeah. Did you read the rule book in the house? It doesn't say anything about not being on the zip line. There's a way to win. No, it doesn't. You've never even read the guidebook. I mean, dude, it was a Christ-like sacrifice on my part because if the kids fell...

You know, it was Good Friday, dude. Oh, dude, we didn't even talk about our fucking beautiful papa. Our pope passed away. I know. Sweet, sweet papa. Papa's going, hmm? What? I don't think that was real. Oh, I thought, oh. I don't think that was a real New York Post. Hey, whatever. Forgive me. Somebody in our group chat posted a thing from the New York Post. Trust me, I checked. I was like, there's no way that's fucking real. Do I have to be the fucking pope? Am I going to be the pope? God damn it. That would be nasty. You would make a good pope.

Thanks, man. I don't know what I would do first. Just your Eagles gun on the balcony of the Vatican. Dude, the Green Goblin? Yeah. I was so excited when I got the Green Goblin. And I took pictures and I sent it to everybody just because I was very excited. And then instantly started getting negative feedback. What? And then I realized, fuck, they're kind of right. It is gay. And then it took me a while to come back around and be like, no, this gun's fucking sick. What was the negative feedback? Lev Furze, fucking bitch ass. On the GG?

Who? Lev. Do you know Lev? You would like him. We call him Heavy Levy. He's a guy who ballooned during COVID. Beast? He was a handsome devil. Really? And then COVID happened. For real, it was before and after LeMay on the Green Bay trip. He just beefed up. He beefed up. Not his fault. The government did that to him. Kind of. I mean, for real. I wish I... I want to tell that story about... It's a Lev personal story. Yeah, true. Yeah.

making his girlfriend cry it was one of the funniest stories i've heard fuck i want to tell it i'll tell it i'll tell it and then text him and if he says no we can edit it out but we he gets he gets a lot of guff for being heavy and he said one time he ate so much that he made his girlfriend cry and i guess what happened guard dog

I think he got two footlongs from Subway. Yeah, they were in the middle of an argument about him having to be healthier. Yes. And in the middle of the fight, he had just ordered two Subway footlongs. And they arrived. And arrived, and he sat down and grubbed. Two.

Two feet. 24 inches. 0.67 yards of subs. Of hoggy. Of hoggy, right in front of his babe. They're buffalo. Subway's buffalo chicken. Dude, Subway rules. Everyone tries to shit on Subway. It's great. Subway smell still fucks me up. If I smell... I used to crush Subway. Subway's great. You know, we were all trying to get back in shape on the child predator diet back in the day. Dude, I used to crush their footlong buffalo chicken sandwich.

I was a sweet onion chicken man. Really? Yeah. I'll go buffalo chicken on the cheese, whatever toasted cheese roll. And it was like, yeah, motherfucking damage. Yeah. I doubt Lev wants us to air that out. That's a truly devastating story. I mean, it's a beast move. That's frame. He probably won't care, but that's holding frame though. That's so you gotta lose weight. It's like, watch me two fucking feet of hoagies, dude.

Almost a yard. Yeah. It's the longest yard. For real, the longest yard. Your babe crying. My dad was a... Dude, if I grubbed so hard that my woman left the room crying. Such an... We can only aspire. Well, I still operate under the assumption that it turns women on when you eat all your food really fast. Anytime I'm at a restaurant and I crush my plate, I'm like, yeah, I'm already done. This lady's so horny right now.

Everyone's horny. I just ate fucking 70,000 calories. I don't know why in my head I'm like every time I crush just like a breakfast like a I'll get like a double breakfast where it's like a you know classic eggs whatever potatoes bacon and like a side dish just smash both and be like yeah that's what I do. Yeah man. Go ahead babe take this away from me. Sorry but you see the ring. I don't know if you're wrong.

I think it... Yeah, I guess it could. I think it depends on the dish. If you sit down and smash a cake, they're going to be not too pleased. Yeah, like, mmm, that was yummy. Ooh, yeah, ice cream. That's another one. Yeah. Two Subway footlongs. That's like 150 grams of protein. It's fucked up. God, that makes me so hungry right now. I know, I am pretty hungry. I did decadent weekend...

The last place I was into in stand-up, I kept crushing pizza. San Antonio kept crushing pizzas before the show. That's nice. I couldn't stop it. What type is that?

Uh, via three one three Detroit style Detroit sales for itself. So fucking good. And then this is actually a bit, uh, this maybe could have made Bay cry. I also got a rotisserie. I, uh, got a rotisserie chicken while the Uber eats was coming and just laid like a huge topping of rotisserie chicken on the pizza. It was just crushing it backstage. Uh,

It's so good. That would make a bae proud. I think so, too. Yeah, they'd be hyped on that. They'd be like, damn, you're definitely hitting your macros today. Ingenuity. He's a handyman. I yearn for another Detroit style with the tis on top. Detroit style with a thick layer of tis, man. It's so fucking good. It's stand-up fuel. Lev said it's okay. Yes. Obvious beast. He is a beast. I've never seen someone that doesn't care more.

Yeah, I love Heavy. And he talks shit to everybody. He's very funny. Animal. He's a nasty fuck. I must have met this guy. I never... Yeah, for sure. I'm not a... But you weren't really that much in New York. Oh, he's a New York guy? Yeah. Oh, there you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I thought this was a mothership brew. No, he's not a mothership brew. What an animal, dude. He's just in the Big Apple, just crushed. The Big Apple. He became the Big Apple. King Kong. King motherfucking Kong. Yeah. It's a good group chat. Dude, ticking out. That's the move. Just fully ticking out and just gaining tons of weight is the fucking move. I was playing. We played Halo. Me and him would play video games together. And one night it was like 3 a.m. We were playing Halo and he's like...

I'm kind of hungry. I think I'm going to get a chicken parm sub. And I was like, dude, just go to bed. Yeah. It's 3 a.m. Let's just go to bed. You do not need to or you need to stay up until five, like four to get that parm sub.

Don't get me wrong. I was jealous of the man's freedom. I know. True. I wish I was willing to go, yeah, fuck it, palm sub, 3 a.m. The wake-up's... Sober. The wake-up's tough. He was sober hitting these orders. Oh, I mean, look, I can't... He's a legend. That's such a beast, man. And he had a motorcycle. Did he really? And he gained 500 pounds, and he drove a motorcycle. That is like...

Dude, I just found out. No, dude, we're being made of the sweet love. Dude, I just found out. Apparently, that's the only time a anaconda, or not anacondas, pythons. My nephew is a bit of a snake man. He's got a python. Yeah, watch that. Yeah, dude. Kanye's nephew is a bit of a snake man. That was his cousin, dude. Oh, yeah, true. This is just his cousin. And, uh.

Closest cousins. They... He was saying... So, like, the anaconda... You can look... Or python, sorry. I don't want to get... You know, I don't want to cause a stir in the reptile community. But he...

He was telling my brother, like, yo, you got to chill. You can't pet him. The only time a python gets aggressive, it's when it's digesting its food. Yeah. So, like, when they eat and they just have this giant fucking knot in their stomach. Yeah, it's got to defend itself at that point. Yeah, they will. And my brother was like, dude, it'll be fine. And the fucking thing bit my brother. It scared the shit out of him. That probably hurt like hell. Yeah, he said it didn't hurt as bad as you think because they only have teeth. Pythons have teeth in the back of their mouth. But it did leave a mark. And he's like, bro, it's something about a snake.

striking you he's like I can't can't even reach my hand it was so scary

So it was funny. He was like, shut up, dude. Watch this. My nephew knows. He got bit by a snake. He got bit by a python. When was this? This weekend? It was right before I came. What are the McCuskers doing? Oh, we got some reptiles. There's a lot of reptiles going on. Just scored the bearded dragon. Bearded dragon is nice, dude. That's a really good score. Bearded dragon is nice. Got to keep the tiles in there. Get them warm for the baby. That's a very good score. Yeah, there's the python. There's a little baby corn snake. Bearded dragon. Corn snake is nice. Corn snake is great. Yeah. I was holding the baby corn snake.

Dude, they'll like hold my... Bro. Come on, dude. Come on. Hold the baby corn snake. I'm going to take that one. I might use that tonight. I might use that tonight with my woman. Hold the baby corn snake. You know what time it is? What? What time? It's time to hold the baby corn snake. The baby corn snake's hungry.

Dude, my niece and nephew will like hold dead mice and let this snake strike out of their hands. They're going to be out of their minds. Bro, they're fucking fearless. They're going to be nuts. We have a video of it. My niece is holding a dead mouse and the baby corn snake goes right out of her hands. I'm like, dude, I can't. I'd flinch. I'd be like Darwin in front of the glass. Yeah. He couldn't do it. He would stand in front of a snake even behind the glass and would strike at him. He's like, I would flinch 100% of the time.

He's like, something about these motherfuckers, dude. Charles Darwin? Yeah, he would stand in front of a snake tank and be like, this is the day I'm just going to have nerves of steel. I'm going to strike at me. He goes, I'm 0 for 100. Every day the snake would strike and he'd go, oh. They're scary guys. Yeah, man. Scary as hell. But yeah, the reptiles are popping over on the compound. It's pretty tight.

bearded dragons bro he came down that we had the family easter party came down with the bearded dragon is on him just like yeah who does that mac how old is he he's like six it's a sick that's a fucking flex for a kid it was a pretty sick flex but yeah easter was easter was sick dude i was uh i kept teasing all my nieces and nephews they did the big easter egg he's gonna fucking bite his ass too bearded dragon yeah this thing's a fucker dude they're big he's bearded dragons live till 20.

So he's got a good 14 years on this bearded dragon. Or, you know, puberty might shake that up a little bit. Yeah. I think a girlfriend might come in between him and his bearded dragon. Yeah, he might put down the bearded dragon and try to touch another reptile. Touch another slimy creature. The slimiest, slittiest. Bearded vagina.

Hopefully be carrying down a nice bearded vagina in 14 years. He'll be carrying it down at Easter going, everyone. Carrying down a bearded vagina. Lemise, we could get you a bearded dragon. I'd love a bearded dragon. They don't shed or nothing, right? Damn, I didn't know they were this chill. They're chill as hell. They're the king of chill. They are, dude. They're for real chill as fuck. It's a YouTube thing.

video about bearded dragon the king of chill my nephew's like confused why i don't have a ton of reptiles he's like bro what the fuck are you doing he's like you could have one of these right now reptiles suck what the fuck dude i swear don't get me wrong bearded dragon's cool but i mean i know what you mean i don't want a pet that's nothing you're talking about being a reptile adult yeah yeah it's tricky i knew a reptile adult

A dear friend of mine, I think I might have talked about it. My cousin was dating a reptile adult. She had a giant fucking iguana. She had a huge lizard that she would put in bed with them. What? Yeah. Big dog. You got to put that thing away when it's time to fucking smash. No, you got to say, let the boy watch.

I got absolutely, I got totally aura robbed by, we fed, there's like a little Shetland pony. You got aura robbed on that zip line, didn't you? I mean, the zip line. That's devastating. Crush. That was all your coins. And then all my coins. I was already zero. I think I died then because I had zero coins. And then we went, I brought like everyone up to feed the little Shetland pony. There's a little Shetland pony. Shetland pony. Now that's a good animal. Great animal. Yeah.

Cody is 31 years old. You have a 31-year-old Shetland pony. On the compound, kicking around. 31-year-old Shetland and a mini pony. And I brought everyone up. Brittany was with me, and we went and fed the pony. And I was just giving it grass. My uncle's like, oh, I got horse feed. You can dump it in the thing. So we dumped horse feed in. And dude, this...

The pony was so excited. It's dong just came out and I was just watching my fucking wife. Oh my God. And I was like, dude, that's the fucking dong on a Shetland pony. It was, it was thick. I'm sorry.

It was thick and long. Fuck. He just dropped like a fucking... What's his name? Not quite a co-cant. Cody. Cody. The code master, dude. Cody Rhodes. Cody. Cody came down. Bro, Cody just dropped while he was eating. Dropped dong while eating. As soon as he finished, it was just like sucked back in. My wife was like, what the hell? And I was like, yeah. I was glancing. I was like, oh my God. Flass. Just like it was weird. It wasn't bricked up. It was just dropped. Yeah, it just dropped. Swollen flaccid dong.

That's way more enviable. Yeah. And it was a Shetland, too. It was like, bro, it's not even a full horse. Not even in my dreams, bro. This thing was crazy.

Just dropped like an HBO Lord of the... Just a full fucking flask dog. A showstopper. A total showstopper, dude. It was my wife and her friend just like, oh my God. And I was like, all right, guys, come on. Let's go see some other parts of this place. This is fucking bullshit. Yeah, it's funny that men have that. And women, you know, you never see like a fucking dog's pussy and go, yeah, geez. Pussy on the dog's wet as hell. Thing's glistening.

Just a nice buttery mini-butt on the door. All right, all right. All right. All right, that's good. That's the end of the podcast. We'll go to the Patreon. Sinners was great. I'm not racist. Thank you. That's a puppy.