Giggling about autosexuality, hating fashion week, and flesh eaters
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I mean, the day just got away from me. What's up, guys? It's time to hit the G-spot. That was wild. Wild. That's so not what I thought you were going to say. You'll never know what kind of antics we're going to be up to. No, I honestly never know what's going to come out of your mouth. Neither do I. Sometimes you're like a little kid and like you just want to be loved and you just want to like have fun and everyone get along. And then other times you're like, I will I'll kill you.

What about it? I'll kill you. Like, I just never know. I just like keeping people on their toes. Mission accomplished. Yeah. I'm in Texas right now, which I think is a surprise to a lot of people. Texas accents are fucking sexy. Are they? Have you seen any like cowboys? Oh my God. Yes. I saw real cowboys. I thought they were being like ironic hipsters. They weren't.

I was doing like crowd work during my stand-up show and I asked the guy a question. He was like, yeah, I went to this college. And I was like, oh shit. I was like, is that real? And then I was like, that's hot. And then I was like, do you guys think New York accents are hot? I was like, do you think like, oh, come get some coffee at the store with me. You think that's hot? And this gay guy in the front was like, never get away from me. He was like, stop it. That's disgusting. I always wonder like what people think.

Think about the way we say certain words. Like there are things that I've had people be like, that's you say that like such an upstate New York person. And I'm like, I don't I don't know. I was like, can you guys tell the difference between Texas accents? Like, can you tell the difference between like a random person and like oil money? And they were like, hell yeah. It's crazy that there's other dialects too.

to being, like, having an accent. Like, okay, you know in Sierra, like, if Sierra ever hangs out with people that are from the South, just for, like, 10 minutes, then all of a sudden her accent comes back, and I love listening to her. And you could, like, barely understand it sometimes. It's like, can you open your mouth? Because that was just one word. That was just one long drawl. Yeah. But I think Southern people are hilarious. Yeah, I honestly...

We love a Southern man. But then I was like, am I in the South? Like I'm in Texas. Is that the South? Valid question, right? Valid question. I went in the green room and I was like, do you guys have sweet tea? And they were like, no. And I'm like, oh fuck, I'm not in like South Carolina. But then they were like, we do have sweet tea. We just don't have it here. Wait. Yeah. Is Texas the South? Yeah. I'm with, okay. So Chloe LaBranch is my feature for this weekend. Chloe LaBranch.

Is Texas the South? She said, yeah, because of oil. I'm Googling it. Is Texas the South? Because I never heard, like, is it called Middle? Yeah, what coast is it on? Texas is just Texas, Chloe said. Texas is its own country. Texas is not Southern or Western. Texas is Texas. Yeah, okay, so we're not that stupid. Because the Midwest...

The Midwest is just north. Yeah, they say Texas, you need your own passport. Is Texas the south or Midwest? According to the Census Bureau, south consists of Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Louisiana, Texas, and Oklahoma. Washington, D.C. is also included in the south. You guys, you didn't know you were going to get a geography lesson today, but you are.

um also west virginia has main character energy west virginia was like okay virginia you're cute but like i'm my own we're west virginia i'm an independent fucking woman um that is so funny there's other states it's like north carolina and south carolina but this one's like virginia and then just west virginia

I think, I mean, maybe it's because we're, I'm biased, but I think New York is the baddest of all. Like they're, New York doesn't give a fuck about anything. Said like a true New Yorker. Yeah. Like a true New York hick. I convinced Chloe to get her nails did. I told her that we should get tips. And then right before I got nervous and said, I'm not doing it. Just you get tips. Now her nails look so good. Mine look like nubs and I just have to live with

being lame. I do want to applaud you though on your like full transformation. Do you remember the days when you never wore nail polish? Yeah, I was scared. I thought it was like a waste of time. I

I was like, I could never do that shit. And now you're like, I can't. I have to go get my nails done. And I've never been more proud. I'm a nail missionary. I literally peer pressured this poor girl to get her nails done. She's never gotten tips before. Now she has a whole new attitude. We're about to get in a fight because I don't even know what she's going to do with her nails. It changes your whole personality. As I'm a changed woman, I do have to say...

I realize now that events are opening up that I have to put outfits together again. Yeah. People don't talk enough about the anxiety that comes with planning an outfit. Do you get outfit anxiety? And I've based a whole career around it.

No, I said the other day, okay, so before I do Amazon Live, I like we sign on to like a phone call and make sure everything's like ready and like whatever. And my team at Amazon is amazing. Like my producer is great. She's the cutest human ever.

But like if anyone saw me that 30 minutes before I go live, it's literally like a psychotic person. I'm like, I fucking hate these clothes. I fucking hate putting outfits together. I can't do this anymore. I can't think of anything else. And then it's like in five, four. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so excited. We're going to have the best time ever. It's just Everly Chic Paige. What's up? What people don't know about you also is that.

You still FaceTime your mom about outfits, and I think that's an important detail for people to know. I called her today, and I gave her two specific situations that I need outfits for, and I said, they're not going to pick themselves, honey. You're retired. Get on that iPad, and you start looking. My mom's just always like, I wish you'd show your body more instead of wearing those baggy T-shirts. She also wants me to brush my hair more.

It's funny. There's like there's still things that like our moms don't like that. We're like, oh, yeah, but my mom hates when I do this. Like every time I put a baseball hat on, I'm like, oh, God, I think it stems from when I was little. And, you know, when your mom would brush your hair, I would cry bloody murder the whole time because it was so painful. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Can you like make my emotions valid for a second? Can you not, but I know you, I know you and I know what a dramatic ass bitch you are. And I definitely didn't want to do it. And like one little bit, I was like, ah,

I can picture sweet, sweet Lenore. Sweet, four-foot-nine Lenore. Just brushing her daughter tiny. Put her in my pocket tiny. Just wanted a girly girl. And you falling to the ground, rolling around like...

No, I can't. Okay, can you stop reading my ass right now? Because apparently when I was out of the home, they put a little beanie on my head. And as an infant, literally three minutes old, I took my fingers, got them stuck in the beanie, and had a full freak out because I didn't want to wear a hat. So that's where we're at.

Um, so when it comes to outfit anxiety, not only do you get anxiety of externally, like, is this cool? Like, do people think this is in secondly, like, is this my style? Like, is this me? And then third of all is like, do you feel comfortable with your body to pull off certain things? Yeah.

And it's like just a fucking lot. It's a lot. And like you of all people know that like if I don't like my outfit, I'm not going. And if I go, I'm going to be a miserable time for everyone. Yeah. And I can't snap out of it. I will. And I have.

I'm like, don't make eye contact. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Okay. You did. Oh, no. What's wrong with Paige? She hates her shoes. She knows she should have changed them. I mean, I have gone out before, gotten someplace, looked at my girlfriends and said, I'm going home to change and I'll be back. Now, because you wanted to vibe with their outfits? Yeah.

Where I just knew... You weren't serving the best look. Yeah, I wasn't serving the best look for me. I could have picked something better. I don't know why I went with this. It's a lot. But one of my favorite moments that I feel ever in my life is when I'm really stressed about an outfit and then I go to said event or situation and I walk in and I look at everyone else and I'm like, I'm worried. Yeah.

crushed it it's so funny because i you really do have your own competitive well i guess the fashion with myself has its own competitive thing happening that i realized i haven't signed up for yeah the fashion week is around the corner it is and which is so interesting it's my least favorite week i fucking hate fashion oh my god explain

it's a lot of like, oh my God, did you get invited to that? And like, are you going to that? And what time are you going to that? And like, did you take a picture? And do you have like a, like, do you have an outfit for that? And like, can you get in there? And where are you going to dinner? It's just like, shut up. Yeah. Yeah. It's hectic. It's scary. People are scary. A lot of pressure. It's the worst week in New York. You can't get a dinner reservation. You can't even really go out anywhere. It's hard to get in anywhere, but it does coincide with the U S open.

Which we love. Which we love. Are you a fan of going to a fashion show in general? Okay, so I haven't, I've been to fashion shows before where like you sit in and like watch it. I've never been invited to sit like front row anywhere because by the time like I would be invited to something like that, like COVID hit.

And before that, nobody really, like, I don't think certain people,

like brands and whatever yeah no one likes me no that's basically what it is like no I wasn't good enough to like get a front row seat at like a super cool show and I'm not the like small talk cocktail party type girl so like if I'm invited to a cocktail party for fashion week yeah maybe it's cool but like I'm probably not going true true it's a type of person that can handle New York City events and to people who just look at it online it looks fun it looks fun it's not it's

It's not. It's not. Tell you it's not. If you can find one or two people that are you can bond with by going up to and being like, this sucks, right? That only had a good night. The only thing I will say is that, you know, when you're like out in the wild and you're trying to get an Instagram pic and you're looking at everyone that's watching you and you're like, oh, this is so embarrassing.

fashion week everyone is doing the same thing so like there's no one's embarrassed no and you like wait for girls to like leave their spot because you're like wait i also want that backdrop like take your picture take your time then it's my turn yep and it's it's kind of like respect you give me respect yeah it's like this silent sisterhood that i really enjoy it's basically alabama sorority recruitment but for stuck up new yorkers yeah

It is. New York is a sorority. Today I did this thing. What'd you do? And I don't know if it was a psychological epiphany or if I'm about to enter a deep, dark depression. It could go either way. Either or.

So today I was just having like a lot of crazy anxiety and about nothing. Like I didn't really know what I was anxious about, but my chest hurt. Like I was just like deep breathing. Like it just was like, oh, this is like the worst. I literally made up a conspiracy theory in my head about my own self. Hannah, Hannah. Then I cried about it and then I felt better.

What was what was the conspiracy? That is that is that I can't have to do with tax evasion. But it was just I was like, as I'm crying. Did you steal someone's identity? I'm crying. I'm like, this isn't real. Like, what are you doing? But I felt way better. And I felt like it was just like I had to get emotions out. Did you realize that we all live in a simulation? Yeah, kind of. Basically, I was like, this is all fake.

I mean, it is interesting. I went to a certain event and I was in the elevator with someone. Yeah. And they like were kind of not acknowledging me, like not being like nice. Like we were kind of talking in the elevator and she was kind of ignoring me. And then she was kind of being a bitch. Okay. And then later on she heard who my name was. And I guess she like listens to my podcast. Yeah.

And suddenly was like so nice. And that's when I realized like the world is just weird. This bitch didn't recognize you from and she listens to your podcast. Yeah.

But I guess like she's she's kind of like an industry person. Got it. Got it. My podcast. And she's listened before. But it's just so funny how that I think if you live your life based on how other people react to you and how people think about you. This tick tock blew my fucking mind. That was where I learned everything. But they basically were like.

You are a different character in everyone's book. Mm-hmm. Every single person sees you through their own lens of their life experience. Like, you are literally a different person to everyone, including yourself. Right. Like, how...

How many people think about us and we're just like the biggest villain? I mean, but everyone has their own story and their own narrative stuff. And if you try to control it, you will be crazy. So my current thing is instead of fighting stuff or trying to explain and be like, I'm a misunderstood queen, instead being like, no, it just matters that you understand yourself. Because if I live my life

like whether someone knows me or doesn't know me at a party, like you'll always be miserable. And it goes back to fashion week. Like everything does.

Everything goes back to fashion week. But it's also surrounding yourself with people who definitely like, even though they might see, it's not even like villain or not villain. It's like, like the page I know is different than a lot of your other friends might know you because they haven't seen you going through the stuff that we've gone through together. So I might see you as way more vulnerable and they might see you as way like harder or like. Yeah. Wow. That is so true. And none of it is right.

no like none of it is really who you even are yeah yeah but then it's like what are you who are you Pete's me fucking now I'm literally just trying to make it one day at a time so that was helpful we're having like a deep mental health pod today yeah we are what did you write about handwriting

So I, for, I was, I don't know if people saw this on my Instagram, but the Fashion Foundation started, we started selling these like fashion boxes, like these curated, like cute little boxes and people were buying them. And so like the first 100 people that purchased them, I was writing like handwritten thank you notes to them. I realized whatever you think about my handwriting, it's the opposite.

I forgot how to write. I literally was like, if I saw this handwriting, I'd be like, get this fourth grader out of here. Why are they writing notes? And I think your handwriting actually explains who you are as a person. Yeah, like you can't fake it. Right. Or you can fake it like the beginning of class, but by the end of class, you're back to normal. It's who you are. Do you ever try to change your identity beginning of class in your notes being like, I'm a distinguished, organized bitch today. Mm-hmm.

So it's funny because Des saw my handwriting for the first time a couple of weeks ago. That's what happens when you have a shotgun engagement. You really just keep learning about each other every day. He was like, wait, that's your handwriting? And for a second, I was like, wait, I lost him. I lost him.

You could tell he was looking at me completely differently. He was like, that's how you write. And then he just started laughing. And I was like, I was rushing. Like I wasn't, I was trying to make an excuse. I go so fast, so fast. And it's so big and so all over the place. But have you ever seen your grandma write? Yes. The script? Because she went to Catholic school, didn't she? It's just, okay, well, both of my grandmas are dead. So thanks for bringing it up again. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize.

But no, like even my mom's handwriting is phenomenal. And I just don't know. And we look like we write with a foot. These dainty phalanges, I can't pull out like a nice thank you. Mine, my nubs, you know what to expect. Yours, you should be like... Off brand.

Off-brand. You should be calligraphy 24-7, bitch. I really should. I should. Oh, my God. I should have created a font. People are going to go on Instagram and be like, I bought this to get a note from Paige. And clearly a seven-year-old intern wrote it. And I want my money back. I wrote all of them. I wrote all of them. And I thought about it the entire time. I think there's actually a psychic that can look at your signature, your handwriting, and tell you about yourself.

I might have made that up. There's literally a psychic for everything. Yeah. There's a psychic for everything. Speaking of psychics, I am getting a psychic reading next Wednesday at 8 p.m.

This woman came highly recommended and I've watched her do readings. She's done them online or whatever. And I'm doing one next Wednesday. She was like, do you want to do it public? Do you want to do it on a podcast? I was like, no, I want this private, private, private. Yeah. And whatever I share, I share. But I want this to be just for me. Can I ask how much it is? I don't know yet. But when...

She's like $4,000. I don't know yet because I just made the appointment. So I didn't do my, my what, what times in your life do you crave readings or is it random? No, not random. It's times when I know I'm in a transition period. And like when there is a certain question that I keep asking myself over and over, like, yeah, then I will like crave some type of stability of just someone being like, you're okay.

And you're not afraid of them giving you a bad outcome to something. No. I love that. No, I've never been afraid of that. I've had psychics also be like, if I see anything that you like, is there something you wouldn't want me to tell you? And I'm like, no, just say whatever. Yeah. I agree. I'm also in a transitional period. I heard of this guy who lives in New Jersey who, um,

You have to like physically go and see him. So I haven't done it because I don't go to New Jersey, but I feel like I would. Yeah. Before COVID, I used to go to all of mine. This was a nice man in the West in Chelsea and his name was Dante. And I fucking loved him. And you used to yell at me too. You'd be like, stop dating him. How many times do you have to come here and have me tell you this? Psychic with an attitude. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, no, you're right. You're right. I love that. I still have people in my DMs asking for my psychic. And I was like,

no because you guys made fun of it so you don't get it like the amount of people that are making fun of it and then my dms being like hey what's what's your info i'm like no you lost your fucking privileges i love when you do your fake crying voice i don't know why but i think it's one of the funniest things yeah it's and then when i really do cry you're like okay please stop they're there yeah

I wish there was just a broom that you could randomly pull out to be like, they're there, they're there. Oh, okay. So I've been working on this new thing. Tell me if I'm right or not. Okay. I think that serial killers and stand-up comedians are actually quite similar. Okay. What is the evidence? The evidence is that they both don't have to be that good looking to be considered ridiculously good looking. Wow. Wow.

Did I just blow your mind? Yeah, because there are so many comedians that aren't hot. I'm just going to throw it out there. Chris D'Elia. Yeah. Looks like a tall Lord Farquaad. Yes. Ted Bundy has a unibrow. If these two dudes went up to me at a bar, I would accept one drink and then I would say that I'm a lesbian.

Yes. I'm like, they're treated like the hottest men that ever walked this earth. Dude, we talk about Pete Davidson almost every single podcast. Like we can't stop. It's the Pete Davidson podcast. If Pete Davidson walked into an operating room and he was your doctor, you wouldn't look twice. You'd be like, okay, get this shit going. Let's, let's pop off here. But like,

change in comedy where it used to be just like you had to like hate yourself to be a comic and now there's more women that are like going in trying to be like I can be confident and funny and think I'm hot I feel like there's also this weird like emotional connection to someone making you laugh like you instantly not like trust them but you instantly just like have this

like attraction to them so like even if you're like dating a guy and he makes you laugh i can like feel myself like i can feel it bubble in my stomach like oh no like i like him you know like it's that kind of feeling the ugliest dudes because they made me laugh yeah same

Chloe said same. She just woke up from an... Okay, we don't have to say his name, Chloe. But if you want to, absolutely do it. If you want to, you can. We'll dox him. But I also realized that I'm Ted Bundy's type. He liked loudmouthed brunettes? Yes. Oh my god. Somebody told me the craziest story. Speaking of murder. Oh my god.

Somebody told me the craziest story and it might be a rumor. So I don't know. Allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly, there is a guy who was in New York City, was on a dating app. I don't know which dating app.

was talking to this girl, invited this girl over to his apartment because he said he was a chef and that he was going to cook her dinner. He made her dinner. He made her spaghetti and meatballs. Immediately she got so sick, like was throwing up. Like she was like, I have to go. Like, I'm so sorry. I have to go. She gets back to her apartment. She's like really feeling sick. She's like, something is wrong. I have to go to the hospital. She goes to the emergency room. They ran some tests, pumped her stomach, did something. And they go, where did you eat?

And she was like, I went out on a date. I went to this guy's apartment, like told him the whole story. And she was like, you ate like human flesh. And she was like, what are you talking about? They called the police. The police came and they were like, there is a guy, a serial murderer around the town that has been like killing people. And I guess making meatballs out of them. I don't fucking know. Feeding it to feeding it to the next part, the next girl.

Now, this could be a totally made up story or this could actually be happening. One of my guy friends told me in a very loud bar the other night and I was just floored.

floored. Oh my God. So guys, whatever bad dating story you had, it could have been worse. So if you're on a dating app, yeah. And somebody asks you to go to their house for spaghetti and meatballs. Do not go. Even if he's funny, don't. Yeah. Even if he's funny. Isn't that crazy? I also think that some guys have a really good sense of humor over text. Like they've kind of mastered the text banter, but in person they don't have it.

Yes, but have you ever gotten the opposite? Yeah, I love the opposite. The opposite is like, ugh. I find that like the funnier they are, sometimes the less funnier they are during text. Like Dez, I find hysterical. He uses periods in his text because he's old. Right. I was like, are we fighting? He'll like sign it, Dez.

I once told my other friend who's an older guy who texts. I'm like, you can't be using periods in text. Like, girls are going to think you're a serial killer. And he's like, sorry, use proper grammar. And I'm like, it's not anymore. Does Des also send okay? Like, okay. He'll do that sometimes. Yeah. That I would spiral. Yeah. What's wrong? Like, what's going on? Are we going to talk about it later? We were more of a phone call couple.

I love that. He does not have the texting generation. He didn't even have, I think he had T9, but like barely. Oh, but I have to tell you, Nikki Glaser told me why you're attracted to standup comics. Why? And I'm also surprised that you haven't dated. I know.

I know. But it's because I haven't taken you near because that would have been dangerous. It takes one night at a stand-up club and you'd be like... I know that if I dated a stand-up comedian, we would really hit it off. I feel like it would just be so toxic too and I would love it. It's that time of the year. Your vacation is coming up. You can already hear the beach waves, feel the warm breeze, relax, and think about...

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It's like from when we're, what's it called? Like back in the day. From a different generation? Yeah, like way back in the day when we were, it starts with an H. Like humans? What are you talking about? When we were like in caves. Homo sapiens. When we were like, like the guys in the Geico commercials. What are they called? Something men? Yeah.

cavemen thank you okay back in the okay are you high what's going on i'm just really tired

Okay, thank you, Chloe. Back in the caveman days, the guy that would be getting everyone's attention, telling them what to do and where to go, it shows strength and that you're full of testosterone. So there's something about stand-up comics like commanding the room and making everyone laugh that makes our caveman side be attracted to him because he's the most powerful in the room. I get that.

I absolutely get that. Doesn't that make sense? I feel like I've never dated the quiet, shy guy. And maybe that is my problem. I've dated the quiet, shy guys. I was so into them. But now I'm with a very loud man. It's crazy, too, because I the number one thing I hate relationships is like being mortified by someone's like loud antics and actions. Like

But that's what I, but I also love that. Like, I love being out and being like, I don't know what he's going to, yeah. I'm like, I don't know what he's going to do. He's not my son. I don't know. I just bang him. I have no idea what will come out of his mouth. But it's exciting.

Yeah. I also saw a TikTok about like why sometimes you're like that guy's not hot enough to treat women the way he does. Yeah. She was talking about how there's like two types of men. The one men, the one who were like emotional caretakers and emotionally available tend to not be as hot because the really hot guys never had to learn.

So then when a guy who's not that hot isn't emotionally intelligent, you're like, you're not hot enough to act like that. But it's created this dynamic of like hot guys who don't develop. I like the toilet flushing. It's so us. It's so us. That should be our lead in song. Look, Chloe had to pee. Chloe and I are road dogs. That's what they call it. Do you know what a road dog is? Yeah, they heard the flushing podcast.

And the stream. Wait, you know what I wanted to say about that topic we were talking about? Yeah. I think it's best to date a hot guy who doesn't know he's hot. Yep. But right when he figures it out,

And like you want him to, you know, have a little bit of confidence. But when you got to date someone who was bullied, I feel like you have to date someone who wasn't cool. And then like all of the sudden in the last three years got cool or like all of the sudden got hot. Like I want to marry someone who doesn't get hot till he's 40. You know, like I want to trap him, lock him in at 30 and then.

Let him develop. Yeah, let him develop. I mean, like these TikTok guys who are like hot at 16. I'm sorry. It's crazy.

And then they just have like girls throwing themselves at them because they're hot, which they should enjoy a hot man. But you're right. That's why ugly hot is in. That's why we're attracted to Pete Davidson. Everything goes back to Pete Davidson. Speaking of celebrities. Yeah. We have to talk. Can we do some front page news? Yeah, let's do it. I have a lot. Okay. Well, I want to just bring up the stormy yellow bus story. Yeah. What are your thoughts?

that out of everything stormy wants she's gotten like full-on theme parks in her name balmain however you pronounce it anything all this little girl wants is to be a normal kid a normal kid she wants to get out of the fucking school like and kylie's like oh we bought her a yellow school bus bitch just she wants to go to public school with the normal kids

She just wants to get on the bus, say hi to the bus driver and take her seat. Like she probably watches movies of what it's like to be a kid. And she's like, why is my life so fucking weird? I think she only rented it for an hour. I don't think they actually bought her a yellow school bus. But still, that's even sadder. I know it is sad. Like something that you never...

Like the first time you thought about getting on the school bus, yeah, you were in like kindergarten and then you did it every single day. And by high school, you were like, if I...

have to get to places by a school bus one more time, I'll lose it. Just the smell of the rubber. I know. But I also think what's sad is that there's... It shows it doesn't matter what you have because there's so many poor kids who ride the school bus and this bitch has everything. Sorry, I called Stormy a bitch, but Kanye gets it. Anyway, she has everything and all she wants is that experience, that basic experience. Also, like, the school bus is where...

Shit goes down. Yeah. People, you either make it or you fail. It can break you. Yeah. It can break you. I've been broken on the school bus. I've thrown up on the school bus. Who hasn't? Yeah. It's just a lot happens. If you don't have like a buddy that saves you a spot, like it could be a scary place. Oh, that was once at Poly Prep.

One of the really rich girls lost her Chanel earring. You literally went to what Gossip Girl, the school Gossip Girl was created about. Kind of. Yeah. And I did not fit in. And everyone was like, this girl lost her Chanel. She lost her Chanel. And apparently I went up to the teacher and I said, what's a Chanel? Wow.

Hannah, did people hear you and did you get bullied for it? They probably heard me and that's why they bullied me. But the teachers thought it was so cute. She told my mom and she was like, keep her innocent. And I'm like, oh, we're poor because my family's poor. Oh, I'm innocent because my family's poor. Got it. But like I was like, fine, Chanel. And I thought it was a girl. I thought it was. I thought we lost Chanel. That honestly is adorable. That is so fucking cute. But I was trying to help. I just no one was giving me instructions.

I used to like kiss boys on the bus. You would? Yeah. Oh my god, I remember that. When you go to like a trip and two of them are dating and then you'd be like, they're sitting in the back, what are they doing? I'll never forget it. Eighth grade trip to Washington, D.C. kissed this kid named Nick. Was it tongue? No. Maybe. Maybe.

The dating industry has broken me. I'm broken. I met a random matchmaker the other day who said she knew you. And I was like, why haven't you set Paige up? And she was like, oh, she won't let me. And I was like... I know who you're talking about. And she has DM'd me a couple times and I haven't responded because there is a part of me that's like... Doesn't want to meet someone through a matchmaker? No, not that. But it's like... You're not actually ready? No, not...

You want to be on Millionaire Matchmaker with Patti Stanger instead? No, it's like, is that where I'm at? Like, you know, like, is that... That was like when people would be on eHarmony. Right. Like, I feel like there's a stigma with a matchmaker where it's just like, okay, she's done all she could. And now we have to put matters into someone else's hands. Like, I don't... And that's just like my own insecurity because there's dating apps and there's like, it's so like...

everything is so unique now and like how you meet up someone but I don't know I still have this feeling of like okay am I that much of a loser that like do you think you could have fallen in love with a marriage that was what's it called when the parents set it up? I begged my mom every single day every single day I begged my mom

I say, I don't care. You find him. I trust your judgment. If my mom loves him, I love him. So I'm like, why don't we, I want to do an app where it's just moms, just moms, all the moms go on it and they just swipe. Cause you know, they're always like, Oh, your daughter would love my son. Yes. Literally have moms all day swiping on sons and they use your photos. Them. They talk to the other moms. The moms already get along. Why has this not been done?

We just came up with a brilliant idea. I have been on this great, amazing earth for 28 years. Not once has my mom been wrong about anything. Same. Exactly the same. Not one thing. Well, my mom's been wrong based on the stories I tell her before. Yes, based on my information. Based on my... She has made a bad decision.

I made her like love guys three months in and then she started to like sense and she's like what's really happening and I'm like it's horrible it's so bad it's so bad she's like babe why didn't you tell me and I'm like because we loved him together no I need an app where all the moms just put their kids on profiles yeah and then they go through and talk to each other moms are honest too moms know that their son's a little shit yeah

They do. Okay, I like this a lot. I love this. It's called... Mom's Talk. It's called Mom's Wipe. Mom's... It's called You Came Out of My Vagina. Yeah. It's called...

Yo mama. We'll workshop the name, but I think that's fucking brilliant. We're workshopping. Sorry. I'm leading the beginning of front page news, but I'll forget. What do you think about Kourtney Kardashian saying she's an auto sexual? She's attracted to herself. I, I hear her and I stand with her and I agree and I will, we'll join whatever cult she's forming. Honestly, same.

Here's the thing, though. Here's the thing. If I get turned on by myself, am I a lesbian? Valid question, no. Okay. No. Getting turned on by yourself, it's just your auto-page. Right, because I don't get turned on by other women sometimes. Oh, my God. I could see you in a throuple. I could, too. Like, honestly, I'm at my...

I'm at my wits end. Anything I get thrown at me, if someone asked me to join their sister wives, I would honestly contemplate it. Chloe was on stage last night talking about threesomes. Would you rather have a threesome with two dudes or one dude, one girl? Oh yeah, she's not a lesbian, she said. But she said, she's like, I feel like I'm the kind of person that I'll have a threesome with two guys who are just like really good friends and just want me there so they don't, so it's not gay. So it's, I get that.

Sorry, Chloe. That's Chloe LaBranch at Chloe LaBranch. Follow her for more. Oh, my God. She was going in last night. I told her to do her PG jokes. She didn't. Wow. But the crowd got there. I like it a little bit crazy. Yeah. I mean, she goes hard. It's so funny because I...

asked Sierra this question and I said okay when you if like she her and I've never had a threesome before but when we picture a threesome in our head she pictures two guys I picture two girls and a guy

So like your first reaction when you think of a threesome, what do you think? You do think of like a girl and a guy because I think that's what like has always been presented to us. Right. Like I feel like it's I haven't seen a lot of two guy girl situations.

But I'm not mad about it. Not mad about it. But I told you once I was sitting in bed with British Dave and his other Australian roommate sat down on the bed and I had a moment where I was like, are we going to fuck? And then they were like, Hannah, when are you leaving? We're trying to play video games. And I was like, okay, I read this wrong. Read it wrong. But next, you're probably going to bring this up, but I think Kravis and Megan Fox need to...

Move over. Yeah. We were like getting so comfortable with our two favorite celeb couples and we were watching Megan Fox and MGK. Mr. Gunn. Channing Tatum and Zoe Kravitz have taken the Internet by storm and I'm fucking here for it.

They have walloped the internet. You know Chang Tatum's my personal crush. I know he is. I think everyone has a crush on Zoe Kravitz. If you don't, you're so dumb. If you don't, you're stupid. You're so stupid and I don't connect with you on any type of level. If you don't think Zoe Kravitz is the actual coolest famous person ever, I don't connect with you on anything else. She has really good style and she was married for two years and her wedding dress that she wore was...

Everything? Yeah, the coolest wedding dress I think I've ever seen. She was very like Audrey Hepburn in it. Also, her mom is with Jason Momoa. My man. Also, her dad is Lenny Kravitz. Oh my God, I forgot. Like, hello? And her mom is, what's her mom's first name? Lisa Bonet. Lisa Bonet. Bonet. Bonet. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Bonet is that pyramid scheme, I think. I think Bonet is the artist.

Painter. If God was like, let's make the coolest person, it would be her. But also, what did you think about Channing Tatum's style? And do you think she styled him? Okay, I have mixed emotions on Channing Tatum. And I'm going to be totally honest with you because I do know that he is at the top of your list. Wait, so you saw that photo and you weren't like, I want to fuck him? No. No.

No, like I think he's hot and I think he's cool and I like how big he is and I like that he can dance. He has blue eyes. Facially, he doesn't like really do it for me. Wow. I don't even know. I don't know where to begin because I don't. You think if he grew hair, you might like him more? I think if he just changed his face, I would. But there's something about them together that's really hot. There's it's there's some I think he's more hot. I think he's hotter with her than he is on his own.

Oh my god That's such an interesting point And I want to date someone That I'm She elevates him Yeah I want to date someone That I just elevate the fuck

fuck out of him someone was like she definitely made him wear that because he's not one to go like super trendy with stuff yeah yeah she's definitely has an influence but he was dressing like a kid who just left the mall from buying stuff at hot topic but I loved the meme of the two of them and she's wearing the blue dress and she's like laughing so hard and it's like me on every first date yeah yeah it's so true I'm like you are not but also like remember when she jumps on the back of his bike like no I'm sorry cool

But did their PR teams go, okay, put on a cute dress, go get your bike and go frolic for 30 minutes? No, Hannah. And you want to know what? You've been very cynical lately about celebrity couple pictures. Just take it for what it is. No, I'm cynical about the media and the narratives they're trying to portray with love. No, you are. Yeah, that's true. Because like everything's for clicks. And why do you think celebrities are all single? Because they just use each other to further their careers. Yeah.

But I think that they actually genuinely have been in a relationship for a while. Yeah. Because she I was like reading about it and their first rumblings of them were in January. Oh. And her divorce just became final. So maybe they were waiting for the PR to wait till that happened. And then they're like, OK, go frolic with it. Like, why was he on a bike and why was she riding the back of it? Have you ever done that with anyone? Yeah. Yeah.

I have a bicycle. No, I was I was like talking to this guy. It's just a whole thing. I was talking to this guy for a little bit. And one day he was like, OK, we're going to like scooter home. And I like started laughing and I was like, I'm not going to scooter home. But like you totally have the best time ever. And he was like, no, like just get on my scooter. I'm like, we're going home. And it was the cutest thing ever. Like a razor scooter. No, like a rebel. Yeah.

What's that? Like a motorized scooter. Oh, okay. Like what I got hit with. Yes. People on the scooter. So yes, a Razor scooter, but motorized. Yeah. So I literally just like my five, three self just got in front and like put my hands on the handlebars and then he like drove it all around and it was the cutest thing ever. And I don't think I talked to him again after that. And not by my choice, but who knows?

I was just thinking because during quarantine, not that I have the money or the wherewithal of a lot of these celebrities, but when a normal person like myself walks outside with Des, these moments are not adorable. These moments are not adorable. Like when I show up to brunch with him, like,

I'm not picture ready. Right. So I just I guess I'm comparing like normal situations because like celebs are people too. But I stand them. I really like them. I think they're really fun. I really like Jessie J though. Do you remember Jessie J and Channing? Yeah. Did you see that whole Jessie J Nicki Minaj thing that was like a couple weeks ago? We never talked about it. Oh yeah. Because Jessie said that you can explain.

I don't really know, but... Jessie said that Nikki asked to be part of this song. Yeah. And Nikki was like, I never fucking asked. But then I thought Jessie J was kind of like, oh, okay. Yeah, Jessie was like, I didn't know you didn't ask. Like, I thought...

Like someone told me you wanted to be on it. So like I put you on it and then you were acting like an asshole about it. She was like, I never fucking asked to be on your dumb song. It's like what she said. Nicki Minaj is sometimes she says some iconic lines. The one thing I will say about Jesse James, I or Jesse J, whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

I never saw them long term. I genuinely don't think the person you date after like the love of your life or like your merit, like after your divorce, I don't think the next person you date you ever end up with. But it's funny because I feel like a lot of people do try to end up with them because they want that like quick fix of like they went from having a relationship to them being alone and they're like, let's get back on board with the relationship. Yeah.

I feel like it just never... Like, it's just the rebound person. I mean, I'm still rooting for Amanda Bynes and Channing Tatum, but that's just a throwback. Did they date? No, but they were in She's the Man together, and it was iconic. Oh, right. It was iconic.

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um oh my god i used to be obsessed with teen moms so when i saw this story i was like wait we have to talk about it farrah abrams is like people are yelling at her and calling her a bad mom because her 12 year old daughter she let her dye her like the front of her hair all red and was like wearing a crop top and like

I had just seen this after I saw Kourtney Kardashian let Penelope dye her hair red. Yeah. And I was just like, this is, look, I'm not a mom. I have no idea what it's like to be a mom. I can only go off of like what my mom did. And like now being a grown adult, what decisions I might potentially make. I feel like we grew up in an era or like generation that when you were 12, you fucking looked 12, right?

But like, I remember, I remember we like accidentally would watch MTV when you were 11 and you were like, I'm a naughty girl. Yeah. I used to watch like sex scenes of movies and be like, I can't tell anyone, you know? Did you used to close your eyes when people would kiss? No, I wasn't a loser. I did. I'd put my hand over my eyes when someone was kissing. Oh my God, I was such a prude. Yeah, you were. I did that until I was like 19. I was like, oh my God, how do you do it? Oh my God, no, I was scared.

I feel like I always like loved love. Like I always wanted a boyfriend. I always wanted to like be in love. See, I grew up with my dad saying, don't let men distract you. Yeah. And now I'm here and I'm just like, was it all a lie? Anyhow. No, I do think that girls are growing up differently right now and they have exposure to a lot more things. And I hope that everyone is happy.

I mean, yeah. I mean, I hope whatever. Do whatever you want. And if your kid's happy, your kid's happy. But like, it's just I don't know. Well, you don't want the girl to think that she's more worthy because she's sexy or pretty. Right. Right. That's really what it does come down to. You want at a young age. I want my daughter to be like, I want to be a smart or athletic or kind or empathetic or whatever.

Yeah, not that like people like you because you've done something to like draw attention to yourself, like dye your hair crazy color. Like there's such thing as like bad attention. And I think when you're young, it really does fuck you up. True. I mean, I want to do this with my daughter, but I'm really going to try hard to not call my daughter pretty.

Like I don't want her to think that that's a compliment and I'm not going to call her ugly. It's just, I don't want it to be something that she puts value on. Like when I see her, I don't want to be like, Oh my God, you look like a little princess. Fast forward 10 years. I walk into Hannah's home for just being like, you ugly bitch. Do your

Do your fucking homework. No, but think about it. When you see a little girl, the first thing you do is you go, you look so pretty. So then she inherently learns like, okay, if I look pretty, people like me more. And then as she gets older, if she doesn't feel pretty because she doesn't match societal standards, next thing you know, she's unhappy. So if you meet a girl, I try to be like, wow, you're really strong. Or I'll be like,

Oh, like that's or you could be like, oh, that's a cool dress. But you don't go, oh, you're pretty. You're a little princess. I don't meet many children and it's probably for the best. But look at my parenting advice as someone who literally prays every night not to have a child. Oh, God. When did I become a mommy pod? Please can I not be pregnant today? Please can I not? Wait, do you think we're going to have giggly squad when we have kids?

It'll be a much different podcast and I can't wait for it. But the gigglers are growing together. Yeah, we're growing together. So it will make sense when we are that age. We're growing. We're learning. Do you know who I think about that a lot with? Who? So weird. Taylor Swift. I feel like I grew up with Taylor Swift songs. Like, so in high school when she's crying about the cheerleading team and all that bullshit, I'm like, yeah, I connect to that. I feel like now, like,

Soon she'll be married and be a mom and she'll make songs and like I'll connect to that. Why doesn't he take out the trash and do the dishes when I want him to? Yeah, exactly. Sometimes kids are assholes.

I feel like they're always assholes Except ours you know Yeah our kids are gonna be great I said to someone the other day I was like I'm telling you here and now When that kid pops out Of my vagina I'm slapping a bow on her head Like she will be in the incubator With one of those massive headbands And that's who I am as a person And if she's anything like me She will try to rip it off And be like mom Let me do me No

No. My mom, I wouldn't, I refused to wear hats. She'd put like a cute outfit together with a matching hat and I would throw the hat across the room. Hannah Burner. And then she'd make me do it for the photo and then I'd rip it off and throw it off. I used to watch kids like you and be like, and be like,

How is she not getting her LP? And then I would roll around in the dirt. Did you see the photo I posted with my cousin? You were the girl. You were the girl that it was picture day. Your mom had you looking perfect. And then you went to recess, got all sweaty, then went and took pictures and were just like... I looked at those kind of... During picture day and would just be like...

Don't touch me. How could you ever? It's fucking picture day. What's so funny is, like, if you had a crush on a guy, I feel like you would, like, wear the cutest outfit. You'd, like, be around. If I had a crush on a guy, I would find out, like, where he was playing basketball, go play basketball with him, beat his ass in basketball, and then be upset that he doesn't like me. Oh, my God. I would sit on the bleachers and be like, no, I love this sport. Yeah.

Like, that day, Kara was my, I mean, she is my cousin, but she was, like, the coolest cousin when I, she was, like, 16, now 12, and all the guys loved her. She was, like, blonde, blue eyes, Barbie doll. And I wanted, like, the guys to talk to me, too, but I was just like, do you want to play basketball? Yeah.

She's like, she's special. I think we're such good friends because my like best girlfriend all growing up was the same thing. Like she was such a tomboy. Like she was on the basketball team. She's on the softball team. Like, and she was so fucking athletic, but like our humor and like brains, just like we just got each other. And it was just such a juxtaposition. Cause I was like the girliest girl on the planet.

I love that. And also, I think it teaches us about romantic relationships of how important it is to find someone who has the same sense of humor as you. And as a giggler, we've realized that giggling gets us out of a lot of hard times. We've hit an hour. Yep. Everyone go to Giggly Dash Squad. We have new merch coming out soon. We have a new announcement coming out soon. Rate, subscribe, review, swipe up. Wow, you say that so effortlessly and I love it. Good, good.

good good um thank you so much for giggling with us we love you so much bye bye