GOALLESS - The Divine Shadows (Season Finale)
47:40 Share

In our last Goalless of the season we have all the reaction to an emphatic Champions League final. The winners and losers in Europe this season will recap some of our favourite moments from the show and look ahead to what's in store for the beautiful game. It's an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, Witty. For final time this season, let's go. Goalless.

Welcome to Goalist, the noisy cowbell players and football's rock band. Russell, good to see you again for one final time this season. We've been kind of chronicling this Champions League as it went all the way through, and it ends up with as one side of a final as we've ever seen. Maybe the best performance we've ever seen in a Champions League final from a PSG team that has kind of been debated as both

amazing and also kind of a triumph of sports washing. What did you make of it all as the final played out? PSG5 Inter nil. However they got to that team, the team they have is exceptional. And I noticed watching it, not only are they a team, but individually, they all win their battles. And this is a good Inter team. I kind of also sense that Luis Enrique, I don't know that...

you know, it felt like the spirit was with him, you know, with the whole story with his daughter. It just felt like we are winning and we are going to win emphatically. It, you know, it was wonderful. The only person that must have not enjoyed it was Mbappe. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? I can imagine. I hope to God he wasn't wearing white jeans because I imagine there was food everywhere. He was flinging stuff. His neighbors must have been like, Jesus, Killian's really losing it. But it was, they were fantastic. Hakimi was fantastic. Due, Vettini, Gio Neves, the Georgian that nobody can pronounce. Just, just unreal. Dembele, what a team. And it's that, it's like you've said, really, it's that team has come together since January. Yeah.

And they're young and yeah, they're going to take some stopping. And it was a great final. It was one sided, but having watched the Europa League, which was like watching two alcoholic grandmothers fight in a car park. It's nice to see a truly brilliant team turn on the power, you know?

And the wild thing is that normally every big Champions League game, it's the reason why we love it. It's heavyweight teams coming up against each other and throwing punches at each other. It is so rare that we see games at this level where one team is so obviously better than the other. And it seems like they couldn't come to grips with PSG physically in turn. They couldn't run enough to get into space to then get into the places where they wanted to be to attack. And when they did get into attacking moments, it's like,

oh my God, we got to do something here because if we don't, then they're going to get the ball back and they're going to have it for 90 more seconds. And God, what are we going to do when they have the ball for 90 more seconds? And it was just sort of that level of panic that you don't normally see from a team in a Champions League final. Normally you see Inter, a team that are so composed, can play in a variety of different ways, so overrun.

by this BFC team. And I do think it's kind of interesting the way that we got here, because you mentioned it's been basically since December, January. Dembele gets moved from a wing position to a center forward position, although sort of nominally. They kind of moved to the old false nine system that Barcelona used to play back in the day, where anyone can kind of play anywhere. And it was kind of funny to listen to the commentary, and they're kind of saying, oh, the right back is in a forward position. Can you believe it? But you watch PSG enough, and you sort of

unwed yourself from convention. You're like, well, there are no positions. PSG have completely stretched any and all definition of what positions are. And that only comes from a group of players that all can defend, that all can control possession, that all can create chances and all can finish chances. Every single player on the pitch, maybe bar the center backs, participates in a complete...

total football, obviously. Like, obviously the Dutch invented that. Yeah, it's funny you mention that because that was exactly what I was thinking. It's like, you have Hakimi who could essentially play as a forward or a right back. You know, Dembele can play anywhere across the front three. They're a really good team. How does Mbappe feel, do you think, watching that? Is it frustration? Is it,

Is it, or did, or is it that thing that they, is there something exciting about the teams that are holding on to their star man? To see a team lose the star men of all star men and then go on to be better. Is there something quite exciting about, you know, Man United going, is there a future beyond Fernandes? Palace getting rid of Eze? You know, Liverpool and Salah. Like, does it, hopefully it gives hope that the system is always better than the one individual. Yeah.

And that's how I've kind of always felt about sport. I've always kind of been the one to ask the question, oh, I wonder what PSG would look like without Mbappe or what Real Madrid would look like without Ronaldo, which they were fine. Real Madrid went on to keep winning Champions Leagues after Ronaldo left. And I do think that sometimes teams can be too centered around an individual player. Obviously, you need to have...

some level of collective talent. As you said, it wasn't just about a system. It was about individuals all went out and win their battles. But if you're Mbappe, I think first off you think, well, I won the World Cup and I probably could easily have won a second if Randall Colabuoni could have finished a chance an extra time against Argentina. So it's not like he's short of collective accolades. I do think though that Mbappe might wonder though, well, that viral video of Luis Enrique basically saying, hey,

Michael Jordan defended his ass off too. Scotty Pippen defended his ass off too. And just because they're great offensive player doesn't mean you can't also be a great defensive player. That's similar in you to basically do what Dembele did for this team. He could have done it. And of course he could have done it his whole life. But I think Mbappe came up in the PSG team of Neymar. And I think that kind of set a bad individual example for him. Who is your man of the match? Let's do it.

You probably have to go with Dewey just because of what he did. That little flick was just, I mean, the audacity to do that in a Champions League final. How many coaches, how many people would tell you not to do that? And here he is completely expressing himself in this game.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I don't know if Enrique doesn't tell them. Do you know what I mean? I think that might be their secret weapon. It's like, I trust you because all of you have got the ability to do something extraordinary. And if you fail, somebody's got your back.

Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean? It is simultaneously highly systematized and highly individualized. Yeah. There's an incredibly well-drilled system in this team where everyone moves in coordination with one another. But ultimately, football comes down to who creates in the individual moments. And Douay and Kamara and Skelly are all players that can do that so phenomenally.

Like one minute they're a jazz band, next minute they're dropping drones. Yes, exactly. It's like you can do whatever you want and then we've lost it. Kill, kill, kill. You know what I mean? But that's what's so impressive about them. But the great Barcelona team with the kind of noughties had that same thing as soon as they lost it.

They just kind of swamped teams. Which is so wild because normally we think of those teams as kind of soft-centered. You can get at them. You can get at Puyol. You can get at Pique. But there's nothing about this PSG team that feels very soft-centered, which is kind of the terrifying bit because we know they have amazing attacking and tech

quality to create and have possession and go at teams and create chances. But to kind of have that happen also on the flip side, defensively, where you're that good at hunting the ball is kind of ridiculous. It is the team ethic that was built. That is what you gain by not having Mbappe. When you are carrying a passenger defensively, there is but so good you can be on the other side of the ball. But when all 11 players are committed to it, and you also wonder as well, it's kind of a story of journeys as well. You think about Ousmane Dembele.

I don't know if he was going to be that player when he was bought by Barcelona for over 100 million euros. Or he was probably going to go to Barcelona and be an attack-minded player. But when it didn't work out for him, all of a sudden the very compelling message of Luis Enrique of, if you just follow my lead, I will take you to where you want to go. And maybe unfortunately for him is that lead includes a lot of running. And you're going to have to do it my way. But...

I promise you, you will get your 30 goals, which he eventually went and did. I also kind of want to point out that in the midst of this change of system, of Dembele moving up front, there are two strikers that they signed for 160 million euro that are basically tossed off to the side. Randall Colamuani, who I mentioned earlier, could have scored the winning goal in the World Cup final, signed from Eintracht Frankfurt to PSG for 95 million. Hmm.

Gonzalo Ramos, who actually replaced Cristiano Ronaldo at the very same World Cup for a game, and he scored, I believe, either two goals or a hat-trick in a game for Portugal, then got signed by PSG for, I want to say, $65 million. It could have been more.

Both of them have had their turns at playing center forward for PSG. Luis Enrique kind of went, I'm not really having either of you, but there's still a ton of money and there's still a lot of brilliant players in this team, but there's still a lot of money spent, particularly that front four. If you include Due, Cavarazzalia, Dembele, and Barcolo came off the bench, it's like $240 million worth of player. So they're still amazingly talented. They're just executing at an incredibly high level in the system.

I think it wasn't, but the difference being they're bought for 240 million. They're probably worth 500 million now. Right. But that's the difference. Every one of those players is now a level of individual star that will exceed what they were bought for. It's kind of like high-level money ball, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yes. And they'll probably lose a bit of money on the two other strikers you mentioned, but fundamentally they could still sell the team and be in the green. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, very... I thought Bettini played very well again. Oh, man. He's a really... For two years now, for two years now, I watch him and I go, he's playing at a level that very few can. Especially when so much of the modern game is about sort of those number sixes. You see what Declan Rice gets bought for. You see what Rodri would go for now if he was on the open market. I think...

City bought her for 50 million and that's an absolute steal now compared to what those number sixes that can physically and with the ball control a game. Our producers asking question I think is a very good one. Is this the start of a dynasty? Do you think that this is a team that can very easily win multiple bits of silverware? Well, yeah, because it feels like they're all they're young or they're in their prime.

You know, but Hakimi is absolutely in his prime. And, you know, any left-sided winger going up against him is going to have to have the game of their life to do anything. They, you know, Donnarumma has been phenomenal this year. And also they've got that monkey off their back. They've won it now. So they don't have that kind of, they won't have the fear from the crowd of like, oh, we're going to screw it up.

Did you watch the other European finals? Yeah, yeah. The Chelsea one was fascinating. I thought that, I thought Betis for a half were going to do it. I really did. I thought that they were the better side in that first half. They were the better side probably for 60 minutes. I remember watching before Chelsea's first goal. I think I said out loud, this Chelsea team do not look at it today at

all like and you're wondering like where is everyone and then Cole Palmer hits that one cross and that appears to have changed everything for them so Chelsea win the conference and then you already mentioned the two drunk grandmothers fighting it out in the Europa League final has there been a worst European Cup final ever than that in terms of like are they the two worst teams in

to have ever played in a major European final. It was... I was imagining... But it was terrible. It was terrible. I was imagining kind of like what kind of foreign fans would think of English football. Do you know what I mean? You could just imagine the world over going, what? This is... This is English football? This is... You know, they're just...

And also probably the fan bases of the teams and their weight going, man, we couldn't beat this lot. If you're a Leon or athletic club even who obviously dreamt so much of hosting that final on their stadium, you're going, man, we couldn't beat this. We lost seven to this Manchester United team. How? How did that happen?

But yeah, I mean, for Spurs though, vindication for Ange, it's a trophy, it's Champions League football. Their season goes from disaster to, wow, there's a lot we can salvage from this in one game. Can you sack somebody if they've got you Champions League football?

I guess you can because you lost 21 games or 22 games ended up being, which is the most losses for a team that's ever avoided relegation, which I found to be a remarkable stat that Tottenham Hotspur have set that record. My friend Adele, who's a Spurs fan, was crying because it just, and there's something really lovely about that, that you kind of, you forget that

you know, a lot of clubs don't get to win stuff. It's like Palace winning the FA Cup final. It's just brilliant. You know, I mean, it's obviously a red, Jesus, but, but the very fact that, that there has been, you know, the fact that Newcastle won the League Cup, great. Palace won the FA Cup, you know, it's kind of, Spurs are going to be in the Champions League. Um,

Yeah, I mean, obviously PSG winning a Champions League for the first time. PSG, yeah, right. Even Napoli, even though they've won it for a second time in three years, it's only their fourth time ever in club history. And you can see in the celebrations that... No shit, is that right? Yeah, Napoli are kind of among the giants in Serie A, but they have very little history of winning. It's really only Juve, Inter and Milan that have an actual genuine history of winning. But for Napoli, it's their fourth ever time. You can tell in the celebrations because I think the previous time they won it on the road...

And so to win it at home in that stadium, the entire stadium was surrounded by flares. It was incredible. But yeah, I mean, there were a lot of first-time winners. McTominay, you know, wins Serie A with Napoli first season, you know. Harry Kane's first silverware of his career, you know. One of the biggest shocks was, and I was only aware, you know, I don't really follow Dutch football from the day to day, but the way the Ajax fell apart, my God. Yeah.

That's wild. Nine-point league with seven games to go. Crazy. And it's not like their opposition, PSV, were like, you know, they won all seven of their games, and so they were on their way. It's like they were also blowing results, and then Ajax were just that terrible. It's kind of wild to see...

a manager, Francesco Farioli, came in from Italian football, engineer a good season. They were on their way to winning the title and in seven games went from, we're building around this guy to he's out. He left. He left the club. And like, that is again, like, I think that was kind of the theme of the last month of the season for me was how quickly...

the narrative can shift from great to awful in one tournament in one month for Inter it went from we're going to win the treble again to winning nothing winning nothing but what a season it's been fantastic as ever and also here's the big thing here's the certainly in England the elephant in the room is still

what's going on with Man City? Like, were they under investigation? But you know what I mean? That was one of our first Goalless episodes. We're about to do like a retrospective on the year. I would say maybe episode three or four was we had a guest on, Sam Lee of The Athletic, breaking down the charges and what we were going to do about the charges. Right.

It's going to come in January. It'll come in March. And like a whole other season has come and gone without us knowing anything. So we'll get to our predictions at the end of what will happen in the future. But I mean, for the moment, we have to treat Manchester City as if they're in next season's Champions League. But we don't know with 100% certainty that that is going to happen. But after that look on our retrospective on the season, after the break, we'll turn back the clock and relive some of our favorite moments from the show rather than from the season. That's next.

Welcome back to Goalless. Russell, the Goalless team have put together some of their favorite moments from this season. The Goalless team? Yeah. We've got a team of people that work on this podcast. Yeah, Max, to be fair, has been working on Overdrive for like an hour before the recording because producer Tim did not give him enough notice on these clips.

Exactly. And so he's got to get grinding away through all the nonsense that we've talked for the last nine months to find the clips. Tell the world what's going on. We've got a demonic Santa working that poor elf bastard. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable what producer Tim has done to Max today. So let's wander down memory lane, starting with this moment from your pal, Russell John Oliver, where we discuss how your mum sounds a lot like current Swindon town manager, Ian Holloway.

No, you don't talk like Ian Holloway. He does. My mum does. My mum does. And all of my cousins. So for me, it's like watching one of my cousins going, like, fuck, see? Just, I mean, we're trying to get it up him and then they're fucking defending like that. Fuck me sideways. Anyways. He's not exactly, his mum is basically Ian Holloway in a wig. Yeah.

Do you know, that's one of my memories. I remember John staying around my house and I'd done various impressions of my mum on stage down the years.

and John was wearing some sandals, if you can believe such a thing, and he very neatly put the sandals or the flip-flops at the bottom of the stairs before he went to bed. And my mum saw these sandals and bellowed up, "Who's staying in the house? Fucking Jesus!" And John was at the top of the stairs looking at me and went, "Oh my God, it's all true. It's all true. We've got Jesus in the house! All right, Jesus!"

Oh, praise be. Look at him. Let me run a bath so you can do that trick across the water. All right, G. So I hear you're going to bring peace to the fucking galaxy. How would you like your eggs? Use a glass of water. Pinot Grigio, please.

My favorite part of that, Russell, is that we are doing this show ostensibly for an American audience. American audiences watch the Premier League. They might have seen Ian Holloway in his Blackpool times, but perhaps a very specific reference. And yet, even if you have not heard of Ian Holloway, you kind of know exactly who he is based off of your impression of him. Yes. And but he harks back to that sort of, you know, that mid-naughties era.

So it was the perfect time for football. And, you know, obviously I'm nostalgic about it, but it's when managers like Ian Holloway could still be in the Premier League. I guess Ange is kind of a bit like that. He's kind of, I'm not a clown, mate. I'm not a clown. It's those moments. And it's kind of, you know, I miss that. It feels like sometimes managers have the kind of, they're media trained out of those. I would love it if we won. Love it, you know, and...

you very rarely get that. I guess Arteta does it a bit. Sometimes you can sort of see the sweat on the mascara and he's kind of got that fury. But yeah, I miss managers like Holloway. I really do.

Yeah, I think what you're trying to say is it's all just gotten a bit linked in, hasn't it? It's a bit like people that read a few too many leadership books and have gone to a few too many leadership conferences and aren't just characters. Like Ian Holloway is just a complete and absolute character and adds the same thing. Like that's what I've enjoyed about him for two years. And if he leaves Spurs and leaves the Premier League, that is what I will miss about him is that you kind of don't know what's going to happen next.

when it comes to him. So, but that is a brilliant Ian Holloway, if a very specific reference.

on a separate note I was talking about my cousins my cousin Lewis his son's team an under 13 team just outside Bristol they won their league and going into the final game of the season he was staying around my house with his son and his daughter the day before and we kind of had this chat me and Lewis and I said how are you going to approach it as their manager and he was like going I

I don't really know. And I was trying to be the kind of older brother and going, I think what you've got to do is just tell them, listen, give it everything. Don't leave anything there, but don't frighten them. You know, let them know about the potential that this is going to be a memory forever. And he was like, yeah, yeah, fair point. It's 2-2. And the last

10 minutes they win 5-2 and I speak to Lewis and I said what did you say and he went I just called him in and said you do it you fucking little fuckers you go out there you smash it like all the plan all these plans went out the window and he just he told me he goes it's the first time I've done it but it really worked and

So he essentially screamed at his children. He turned into like a National League manager. I don't know if you've ever seen the... He got a result out of them. So maybe gentle parenting doesn't work. Another favourite moment for the team was singing Liverpool songs with our friend and exec producer on Goalless, Will Arnett. Particularly Witty's valiant attempt to do Luis Diaz's song Justice. Let's listen.

My favorite is still is Olé Olé Olé. Oh, yeah. It's beautiful, isn't it? And there's something about that gesture. The new Luis Diaz song is fantastic.

How does that go? He called Lucho. He came from Porto. He came to score. You haven't seen. Oh, it's like huge on. Continue. Come on. Back to me. He came to score. Came to score. Came to score. Score. Score. It's Luis Diaz. He's from Barrancas. And he plays for Liverpool. It's the tune of Bella Ciao. I don't know that one.

What a great cut underneath. I made myself look like a dickhead for 30 seconds. Imagine hearing that. Can you imagine? That would be the best heckle at a karaoke bar.

Not one I've heard of. At the end, when you're done singing. I tell you what, I had an experience. I was in a karaoke bar in Sheffield recently. And when you hear old Northern men singing Arctic Monkey songs, it really changes the feeling of the lyrics.

Do you know what I mean? I bet that you look good on the dance floor. It's like, oh, oh. If you're a teenager in a tracksuit, that's fine. But if you're an old man, go, I don't know what you're looking for. I don't know if you're looking for romance. I don't know what you're looking for. It's chilling.

It's amazing. It changes everything. But I didn't know you knew that song. How did you find that song out? You're not a Liverpool fan. My TikTok algorithm tends to feed me football songs because I always engage with them. I love football songs. I love how they come about. I love how people engage with them, how it kind of becomes a new thing and then you hear it on the TV. And mostly, honestly, I'm curious about them because when you watch on TV, it's very difficult to discern the lyrics. Yeah.

And so when I hear them, I kind of want to, like, I go and explore. I'm like, all right, a Luis Diaz song. What are those fans singing? And I end up singing with it because I just really enjoy them. I think it's one of the things that Americans...

struggle the most to relate to about English football fans is how do you guys all get coordinated on the songs? Like, is there a meeting where we all go, this is the song and then this is how we're going to sing it. No, it's like, you kind of come up with it. Like it seemingly on the coaches on the way trips or, or, you know, like what, like all these different avenues are in, you know, we're at halftime during the away stand, 10 people start to sing. Then a hundred people like, I, it's still, I think boggles the mind how Brits put together these songs. It doesn't make any sense.

I think because there's no cheerleaders, nobody's shooting a t-shirt with a rocket into the crowd. You know, there's nobody with an organ going, eh, eh, eh, eh. It's just deeply frustrated men who've spent a lot of money

Who start screaming and then somebody puts that to a tune. I think that's kind of... Do you know what I mean? It's sort of... Yeah. But it's weird. I remember there's a brilliant comedian called Glenn Wall, a Canadian comic, and he kind of made that point. He went... I remember this line he had where he went, went to my first soccer game, pleasantly surprised to see that you sing songs. And out of...

It's so unusual if you've never, you know, like, you know, and they have this bit about, you know, I didn't know it had to be specifics. Imagine the look I got when I laid down some Depeche Mode. There is that video. Is it the Nike commercial where all the guys are singing Truly, Madly, Deeply?

And they're like all these like really aggressive football fans. And they're singing like a beautiful love song together. I love you all with every breath, truly, madly, deeply do. I will be strong, I will be faithful, cause I'm counting on a new beginning. A reasonable ending, a deeper meaning. I want to stand with you on a mountain.

And it's like, it is such a, I think, complete cultural disconnect that your angriest men go

join together in song. It doesn't, it really doesn't make any sense. But you're so right. It's like, oh God, I saw a throat last night. I was, I was singing at some men. Do you know what I mean? It's just like, I'm reaching for the high notes. But it's my, my favorite song, just, just because of how random it is. This is the Chelsea song. I love that because I don't know how they came up with it, but it's that, you know, this speaks to boredom.

the Chelsea official song is celery, celery. If she don't come, I'll tickle her bum with a lump of celery. Celery. That's the song. They all sing it. That can't be the song. Google it, my man. That's the song. Yeah, celery. That's unbelievable. Google celery now. Google celery Chelsea, please. All right.

I'm on it. I know you're in a hotel and you don't want them going through your internet history, but it's fine. Just get rid of it. Go to private browser. All right. Well, we'll take a quick break. And when we come back, I'll have the Google results on Chelsea. Welcome back to Goalist. Russell, we've done the Googling and it turns out

Apparently Celery had to be banned from Stamford Bridge because of this song. So, fucking hell, you were right about that. Of course I'm right. I'm still wildly confused as to how that came about, but there we go. I'll tell you how that came about. That was a nil-nil draw.

And a pervert just started bellowing. That's how that came about. And yet everyone must have been like, Celery. He's just there in the corner. Celery. Celery. You're right there. You're right there, Nathan. You have a celery. If she don't come, I'll tickle her bum.

with a lump of celery. Celery's fucking mad at you. Celery. It's quite catchy though, isn't it? Celery. If she don't come, I'll tickle her palm with a lump of celery. Someone should really get rid of him. Celery. And before you know it, people are going to green grocers. They're picking out the...

the biggest and best bit of celery to then throw the club. John Terry, I think after they won the Champions League final, is swinging celery around like Morrissey with leeks. It's absolutely fantastic. All right, we're supposed to be doing clips here. We've got another one here, mate. This next one is actually a favorite of mine. It's Reece Darby telling a story about filming the movie Next Goal Wins and realizing halfway through that he's telling a story he can't tell and then trying to get out of it by being as vague as possible.

Then when we reshot the thing, because I had to get reshot because there was a certain actor that got a little bit cancelled. He was since uncancelling himself at the moment, I think. But, you know, I don't know the full details on that. Let's not go into it. But when... I love digging small holes and leaving the dirt sort of just sort of around it. Can you imagine if the news was that vague? It would be... LAUGHTER

Wouldn't that be wonderful? It was just context clues. Welcome to Hollywood. Something terrible's happened. I think you know who it is. I know. Here's the weather. That's a good one. Vague news. That could be a new show for us. There's a movie coming out. It's not looking very good. I won't let you know which one it is. I wouldn't go and see it myself, but you never know. Something for everyone, I guess. Some people do. Some people do.

There you go, Recy Recy. Just a bit of awkwardness around Armie Hammer. You know, can't say his name. I was there who was. Yeah, that's who it was. That's who it was. Okay.

Six months later, you go, and here's what it was. Yeah, right. That'd be like the follow-up news show to the news show that we kind of came up with, which is six months later, it's sort of like the revealing of the crossword answers in the newspaper the next day. Now, one of the things we discovered this season is that Russell is really good at doing voices and accents.

My favorite was you voicing a bizarre story earlier this year of when Bulgarian topside Arak Kaya held a minute silence for former player Petko Che before kickoff only to discover the 78-year-old player was not yet dead. This is Russell in his best Bulgarian voicing Petko Che's reaction to being dead. Take a listen.

I was ten minutes late to watch the kickoff because I had a personal job that I'd rather not go into. Whilst driving home, my phone started ringing a lot. I parked in front of our house, entered the yard and my wife greets me crying, shouting, ''Petko! Petko! They announced on TV that you have died!''

It is normal to spread a rumor here in the village, but they announced it in front of the whole football audience of Bulgaria. So many people called me. Relatives, friends, acquaintances, and not so big acquaintances. The situation was not pleasant, but in the end, we have to be positive. No, we don't. No, you don't. Your friends tried to kill you. God, I love that. What's so great? It's all his words. I love it. It's just even...

Even like near death and even being Bulgarian, he still speaks like a footballer would speak. But that is a man essentially describing a 10-year-old defeat. And at the end he goes, but you know, next week we go again, we fix the defense and who knows? You know, it's just that, my God, what a thing. But in the end, you have to be positive. Press conference chat from a dead man.

Oh, so great.

yes I really enjoyed that what a terrific terrific story and he's still with us we should check that because this is this is a couple of months later yeah producers come on let's check he's still here now here is another one there's been many impassioned moments from you this season it's been hard to pick the best witty rant there's been a few but we've gone for this one about Eric Ten Hag sacking from Man United let's listen

Let's get into some breaking news. It is the story that, frankly, I have been waiting for for far too long. I have given way too many opinions about Eric Ten Hag at Manchester United. And you might be thinking, Chris, you host a podcast that focuses on the Champions League. Manchester United played Champions League football last season, not this season. Hey, Editor Max, start the diss track now.

The rest of us are only surprised it took this long after another wretched run of results to start this season. It's ironic that since 2022-2023, the only team to concede more goals than Man United are West Ham.

And you must say, this had been a long time coming. It is actually remarkable how poor Manchester United results have been. And it's easy to kind of forget that they are Manchester United, but they sit 14th in the Premier League table. This is Manchester United we're talking about, sitting behind Bournemouth,

Fulham, Brentford, Forest, Brighton, and in some ways, Eric Ten Hag's own lack of success allowed him to have more not-success, because the standard has only lowered and lowered and lowered. The idea that not only did he continue after an abysmal season last year, at no point did Manchester United look like they were progressing under Ten Hag. They finished eighth. They had a negative goal differential. They scored 57. They conceded 58.

Oh, I loved that. And somehow it got worse.

That was the football nerd equivalent of Eminem's Stan. Do you know what I mean? It was so detailed. And yet, they're in exactly the same position with their new manager. Extraordinary, isn't it? Worst position. Yeah, but given that it's like, so quickly, where do we go from here? What do we do? To the point where you go, you even forget that Ten Hag was the manager at the beginning of the season.

That's what I mean. Football is so fascinating, isn't it? You just kind of... You really thought that he would sort of kick that team on. But all of a sudden...

particularly without, they don't have Europa League football, they don't have Conference League football, they don't have the Champions League, they've just got the Premier League. Have we got any more? Is there anything? We've got one final one. We've got one last one, Russell. Great. And we've had a lot of fun with the games, with the quizzes here on the show. Here's a favorite moment in a game we created called Two Brazilians and a Lie, which is the fake name. It was harder than we thought it would be. Lots of famous and funny names with themes. Take a listen to this one.

witty shit

Fucks. And wanker. Brilliant. Brilliant. Again. No way. I'm just not having this. I'm just not having this. Shit, fuck, and wanker. Jesus Christ. Imagine that. Just playing on a theme. Welcome to today's match of the day. So, it's three at the back. Shit, fuck, and wanker. Handjob in midfield. Uh...

trombone in is the holding 10 number 10 fat labia and missing clit okay it's gonna be a wonderful two three changes from the team that last played against yeah with fluminense with arsons dropping to the bench so what then so it's shit fuck and wanker right witty what do you think man

I'm going to say fuck. I refuse to believe that that's the name of a footballer. That's my guess. It's Wanker. Oh, man. Wow. Is it like F-U-C-H-S? Like Christian Fuchs? Mm-hmm. Oh, man. That's unkind. That is unkind. You've done me again, Tim.

There you go. I love that we still don't understand the quiz. Don't understand the game. It really is just a vehicle for Tim to try and mess with me somehow. And it was quite effective. It was quite effective as it turns out.

Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as we did, but it was a real trip down memory lane. What a season it's been. And on that note, we should look ahead to next year. Let's do that. Yeah, it's going to be wild as we say goodbye to last season. Let's look ahead to the summer transfer window and beyond. Looking at all these Premier League teams already kind of getting ready to load up. Your boys at Liverpool already got Jeremy Frimpal.

through the door? It's crazy. Florian Wurz is the one that completely shocked me. I really thought it was either Bayern or City. Liverpool is a shock to me that your club are in for him. I know. It's insane, isn't it? There's clearly money to spend and I think they're going to offload it for you. But my God, yeah. Who saw that coming? Florian Wurz. I mean, we're spending a lot of money on him but he's 22. Yeah.

And in the kind of PSG thing that I was talking about earlier, you know, if he does well, we'll probably be able to sell him for 150. So, you know, I think we'll make money off him if he does go to Bayern Munich in the future. It's a very cynical way of looking at it. But I've seen a lot of highlight reels of him and he looks phenomenal. I'm just really surprised. I'm really surprised that Man City haven't gone four,

Apparently it came down... I mean, you never know. This is the thing about the transfer. As soon as the season ends, football fans are so desperate for any sniff of football crack. But I was reading some article and basically the implication was that his family had gone to meet...

and they were less impressed with Guardiola and whether Guardiola is still going to be with City versus, you know, the Liverpool set-up felt very kind of, you know, Arnie Slott is like, I'm here, this is what I want to do. We won the league, we're going to go on, we're going to do this, we've got places, you know what I mean? It's just...

he was more impressed. So by all accounts, kind of, it was the chat with slot that got him over the line. And I think similarly with kind of Vincent company at Bayer Munich, you're kind of like, you're not really a Bayer Munich manager. You won the Bundesliga, but yeah,

Do you know what I mean? You're with Bayern Munich. You should do that. So incredible, really. And apparently we're in for Kyrkis as well. But what do you think about City signings? Yeah, I mean, they spent a ton. I think you look at Marmouch. I really liked him when he came in in January. I was a little worried that that talent wasn't going to translate. But everybody else hasn't really massively impressed yet, I don't think. And they're going for Reinders from Milan, who was...

Terrific last season, had an incredible run of goal scoring, but I think to me he's a more natural replacement for Ilkay Gundogan. He looks like he's kind of getting on in years, so I can see him being there. Ryan Cherki, a very good creative player for Lyon, is linked. Ryan Aitnouri, the latest to be linked at left back. Not surprised. Coming over from Wolves. Really not surprised by that, but he is, yeah. It's a lot of money though, Russ. It's a lot of money that they're spending in the wake of these charges. It makes me think that they've kind of got that one sewn up, you would think? Yeah, it must be. Yeah.

And Arsenal have got that Zubimendi, apparently. And it's the sort of strikers, really, isn't it? It's Osserman, Scheschko, and is it... Jokeres. Jokeres, but there's also, there's a German lad, it's like Eketike or something like that. Oh, Eketike from Eintracht. Yeah, he's been very good, very good for them as well. But this is what happens. It's a bit like football fans in England become a bit like, you know, sort of...

sort of milfs at a Spanish bar overhearing cocktails do you know what I mean and it's like we should we should try one of them the Metateques yeah let's get like do you know what I mean yeah but it is that it is that thing we've got nothing else to do so you just you kind of want and also seemingly from my vantage point on the other side of the pond no concept for money every club's fans goes let's sell the shit players we'll get a bunch of money for them

And then that'll finance everybody. And like, it's just not how football business works. And that's how teams end up in financial trouble. Yep. But Newcastle, you know, I think because they made it into the Champions League. Yeah. I think... At the very least, to keep their guys. Yeah, I think they will. At the very least, to keep their guys.

All right, so let's hear it. Let's hear your top four and your champion for next Premier League season then. Okay. Well, I think Liverpool should win. To play it safe, it's probably like Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea, I would say is my top four. With Chelsea to win the League Cup, Liverpool to win the FA Cup, and yeah, I would say PSG win the Champions League again.

I'm trying to figure out how not to go boring with this prediction. That's what I mean. There's like a tiny part of me that wants to see if Newcastle can make this interesting and they go and spend some money and are competing at the top end. I would say Newcastle, but aside from City and Arsenal, City can't underperform like that again. I just can't see it happening. Especially with Roger back. Yeah, exactly. And I think Arsenal will get a striker and they'll have a few more

kind of goals. And I just think Chelsea have got the beginnings of something there. But I also do think Newcastle. So I could easily see them kind of sneaking. I think the problem is for Newcastle, again, it's playing that Champions League every week. And...

Crystal Palace who you know they were fantastic towards the end but you wonder if they lose Eze do they kind of start as they did last season where it took them forever to get going and then they eventually went on and won things and if you're Palace if you're Palace you want to throw everything at the Europa League you don't know when you're playing in Europe again yeah

And so I feel like he's wanting to give it a real go. I think Forrest could really struggle next year. Like, okay, that's my interesting, wild kind of, I think Forrest could get relegated next year.

Wow. I think they're going to get raided as well. Yeah. And I think if they lose a few players, they're in real trouble. And I don't think Chris Wood will ever have a season like that. So that's my kind of crazy, it could happen. It could happen that Forrest get relegated next year. So just to get my predictions on the record, I'll go for City to win the league. I'll go for Liverpool to finish second. Arsenal to finish third. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and yeah, I guess I'll go boring and pick Chelsea to finish fourth. I just, I'm kind of wondering what that leap is going to look like for Chelsea when it eventually happens, but I don't think it's coming. You need a striker and two centre-backs. Yeah, that's what they need. And a keeper. They need a proper keeper, I think. Bonus prediction, I think Barcelona win the Champions League next season. Nice. It'll be very interesting to see what Jamal does next year.

as well because I love that team man I love that team well but again but it feels like they're in the beginnings of where PSG have got to you know and obviously Inter deserve to be there but there definitely was a frustration it would have been good wouldn't it yeah it would have been great and there was just a frustration from my part that Barcelona weren't there

because it's just like they would have attacked them. They would have scored goals. Like maybe PSG blow them away too, but at the very least, like Barcelona are scoring too, no matter what. So, so it just, I, I, I really, I really was bummed out, but Russell, it has been a terrific season. Yes. That is it for us here for this season of Goalless. It has been a pleasure to work with you, sir. We've had the best time making this show for all of you. We hope to be back with more Goalless after the summer break.

Hold on. It's only a few weeks until the start of a new season. It certainly is. As ever, your support means the world to us. So please remember to like, rate, and subscribe to Goalless wherever you listen to podcasts. And follow us at Goalless the show on Instagram. For one final time, let's do it, Witty. Goalless is proudly sponsored by Paramount Plus, the home of the UEFA Champions League. The champs! Chris Whittingham has one foot on the beach. Go and put the other one on it.

Goalless is a Smartless Media and Metalark Media production. The show is hosted by me, Russell Howard, and Chris Whittingham, produced by Ethan Schreier and Timothy Fornara, with associate producer Mike Malley, edited and engineered by Maxwell Carney, with original music by Troy McCubbin. Additional sound design by Devin Torrey-Briant. Executive producers are Bimil Kabadia and Julia McInnes. For Smartless Media, the producers are Anne Harris and Bernie Kaminski,

Exec producers are Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, Will Arnett and Richard Cawson.