Past Lives | Gina’s Story Part 2
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Um, will that be cash or credit? Credit.

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Let me just tell you about the first message, okay? I think it was March 9th. I'm blow-drying my hair. A notification pops through and it's Facebook Messenger. I rarely get messages on Facebook Messenger. I'm like, oh my gosh, it's Gina. I toss the phone onto my bed. Like, I don't even read the message. I don't open it. I just toss it and I'm sitting with this, like, Gina's reaching out. Oh my gosh.

Gina's reaching out because at that point in my life, I'm like fully vested in my solitude. I'm not looking for anything. I'm not chasing because I spent my whole life just chasing love. I'm just going to mind my business and enjoy my solitude and this little fun life that I've built for myself. And then here comes Gina. I'm Brittany Yard. You probably think this story is about you, but this story is Gina's.

And so I sat on that message for like 90 minutes. My name is Viviana. I go by Viv. I am 41 and I found myself in an interesting place of life where I'm like starting over. So this is Viv, the one who caused Gina to flee the state of Colorado after their breakup 20 years ago. The one who all of Gina's friends, including me, told her not to reach out to.

When she told me that she had reached out to you and was talking to you again, my first reaction was like, don't do that. Like, why are you going to start this cycle again? You've come so far. That's so valid. All of her friends should have been doing that.

At this point, it had been six years since they had spoken. It might sound harsh that we were so against Viv, but who really wants their friend to reach out to an ex from 20 years ago? To understand the full story, we have to go back to the early 2000s. Wake up! It's 2000! Her and I first crossed paths in our early 20s.

as I like to refer to it as our adult toddler years where we're functioning and still figuring things out, right? Clearly had a pull towards one another, clearly had a connection with one another. It was really easy to just talk and be around each other and just be ourselves. We have slightly different recollections, but I will admit I was quite intoxicated. I was in my early 20s. I was having a good time. We were at a gay club.

It was, I was clear that Viviana had a girlfriend. Back then they identified as she/her, now they identify as they/them. They were the it girl. I saw them and I was like, oh my god, I think I'm in love. Everybody wanted them. Everybody. I thought she was the most beautiful person I'd seen in my whole entire life.

Like, I could not stop staring. I was very shy back then. I was very reserved. But something in me, I was like, this person needs to know that they are just, wow. And so I got the guts to go up and tell. Now, if you ask Viv, they'll say...

that this drunk person approached them at the club. And from their recollection of the interaction, I ended up burning them with my cigarette.

So I thought it was a super smooth moment. And they were like, wow, you were a mess, but very sweet. But we eventually they broke up with their girlfriend. It took like months before I got the guts to give them my number. And then we just would spend hours on the phone like before even hanging out.

Back in the day, we would just sit on the phone. I'd sit in front of my TV and we'd talk about what we're watching on TV and just spend hours connecting. We eventually ended up dating. It was very young, very lustful love. The relationship got sexual and we had an amazing sex life. It was super complicated because we weren't necessarily...

At a point where we wanted to say we were official, official in a relationship, but there were I love you's. Plus, I was very emotionally immature and just I didn't know how to work through my feelings, the feelings that I was having. And so...

I just put what felt like everything into that relationship. When I crossed paths with Gina, I was very much in a space of, ooh, I'm getting a lot of attention from a lot of different directions. I wasn't equipped with how to communicate and express myself without worrying about somebody else's feelings because other people's feelings would affect me. Hashtag codependency.

I never quite felt like a priority for Viviana. I always felt like the next cute chick that walks into the club is going to take Viviana away. There was always that risk. Viviana would find someone better than me, find someone that they liked more than me, find someone that's prettier than me, that entertained them more than me. And I mean, in the end, that's what happened.

There was this woman that they'd always had a crush on. And though we were dating, they ended up making out with them one night. And one of my good friends told me about it because it was the one night I didn't go out. And I blew up. I had a relationship with a woman for about three years after Gina. It doesn't feel good to say, but this is who I was back then. The woman that I dated was essentially the woman that I...

was disrespectful towards Gina with. And there's no pride in that. I was a little shit, you know? So I went down that path and I was in this relationship. But again, if I reflect back on it, still the same traits of like begging to be loved, being treated less than, just being addicted to the person and the feelings of that chaos. Like my nervous system's like, yeah, this is what we thrive in because that was my experience in my childhood home. Yeah.

I was a placeholder. At the time, that was just the reality of it, and that's not meant in a way that holds any sort of resentment at this point. We were young, and both of us were working through our own things and didn't know how to do it well. All the insecurities that I carried in my 20s come back up for me when I hear this story. I took so much of my self-worth from how other people saw me.

was a complete mess, I spiraled for months. It was to a point where I had a job opportunity to come out to Seattle. I took a look at my life and I was like, every weekend I'm crying over this chick. Like, if I don't go, I'm going to be stuck in my life. And so I picked up everything I knew and loved, two of my best friends, and we moved to Seattle. ♪

Even moving a thousand miles away from Viv didn't fix everything. We were still in contact a little bit here and there. I know that they came to visit me out here once early on. There's no visual in my brain of them being here, so I had blocked all that out. I kept getting tied back to them even while they were in Colorado. It's really hard to walk away from what could have been.

The initial actual cutoff came after months of back and forth, even while I was up here. Like, we would always get to a place in our dynamic. We would eventually get just so comfortable with each other again where we were saying, I love you. And for me, that was very real. And I'm sure for them in their own way, it was very real as well. But then somehow there would always be a letdown, i.e. another chick that would pop up.

One of my last trips that I went to Colorado where I saw Viv, we were talking almost every day again. It was, "I love yous." It felt like we had actually genuinely reconnected. And then, all of a sudden, a few days before I flew out there, things got weird.

Which, you know, at that point, I've been in the circus long enough to know there's someone else. But I didn't want to accept it. And I flew out there with Patrick, my best friend. And we were out with mutual friends and they're like Viv and their girlfriend are coming. And I was shocked, but not. I played it as cool as I could.

It hit me after that when I left Colorado that trip, I was like, "I can't do this again." Like, "Oh my gosh, I can't do this again." This person doesn't love me the way I deserve or need to be loved.

And I remember that phone call. I think I got home from the bar and I called her. And this was one of our last interactions until years down the road. She was in the Philippines, I believe. She was international for work. And we were chit-chatting. I was like, hey, how's it going? And they were like, hey, I just want to apologize. I just, you know, I'm hoping that we can be friends. I listened to them. And, you know, they're like, you know, in the end, like, I see us.

being like best friends, sitting on a porch in our rockers, like talking shit about the kids on our lawn. Like they were like, you know, you're always going to be someone that's in my life. And for the first time ever, I sat there and without any hesitation, I was like, no, I won't.

going and then she'd like drop the news she's like I can't I can't be friends with you like this is hurting me more than it's than it's not and I'm like I understand that I respect it uh ended that phone call and I just remember hitting the back of my apartment door and sinking and like it hurt because I knew I was losing an important person like somebody who added value into my life but I wasn't equipped on how to navigate that and how to be healthy about it so

Over the next two years, they didn't communicate. They both continued with their lives a thousand miles apart. Gina started dating the man she would end up marrying. And while Viv crossed her mind from time to time, she had started to move on.

never expecting that Viv would end up becoming her new co-worker. Absolutely salty that Viv was all of a sudden showing up on the team. Like, I was not expecting it. I had no clue. I had a life in Washington. I had moved on. They had moved on. I smile because I'm lying if I say they didn't cross my mind over the years, because they did. But...

They weren't an act of thought. They weren't something I was even like, there was no chance in heck I would ever run into them. So to all of a sudden see a list of all the people on the team that are going to Vegas and see Viv's name pop up, I was like, I went to our admin so fast and I was like, hey, I can't sit by this person.

And they were like, "We're not taking special requests." And I was like, "No, you don't understand. It will be an HR issue. Do not put me close to this person." And the first year we were there together, it was awkward. We saw each other. It was that whole, like, you see, you're like, "Oh my God."

I remember walking into like the social happy hour and I saw her and immediately like just the flush of just warmth, anxiety, all those chemicals that happen when you're like, danger, fire flight, what do I do? And I saw her and like, there's no acknowledgement. And so the night continues and I went up to her. Of course, I had some liquid courage and I was like, hey, we don't have to be strangers.

And I was like, actually, I prefer it that way. And I walked away. Heard. Message received and heard. And so for the following years at those events, we would see each other, no interactions, but we would feel each other in the room. Every year after that, we never talked to each other. They respected my space. We, you know, the admins continued to sit us as far away as possible from each other at the company events.

but I always knew where they were at in the room. I think a big part of it was about trusting myself to not get pulled back in because the reality was I, at that point, I'd spent years in that routine, just continuing to go through that cycle. And that's even after I left Colorado. I left the state to get away from them. And I continued to go back and I continued to put myself in that situation

I had to have them out. I had to have them out completely. And now we were in a situation where it wasn't something I could control. Every year, I would see them, whether I wanted to or not. And that's why the first year, when we ran into each other at the buffet line, I was like, I have to make this as clear as possible. Like, we will not talk. We will never talk again. I knew that I needed to make sure it was clear to them that this was not...

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And then shortly before COVID, right before I actually got married, we are at another company event. And this is like year after year, we see each other and I look the other way and they look the other way. And I was just at a point in my life where I was like, I am holding on to this for no reason. I honestly want them to have the best life possible. I don't wish them any ill will. I'm about to get married. It doesn't hold the same weight as it did that pain.

And I remember them like we made eye contact and something in them, like something in me and in them knew that it was time. And that was the moment where we reconciled and we were cool with each other. I let her know like, hey, I see that you're happy. You deserve it. And we just had a conversation on the way from the venue back to the hotel. And then we went our separate ways. But we just kind of got to a point where we're like, OK, there's no ill will. We're

We're fine. We pushed the stuff and the hurt behind us. And then we just went about our lives. After Gina and Viv had finally made peace, COVID grounded all the company-wide events, and that was the last time they would see each other in Vegas. Eventually, Gina would lose her job, and this is what kicked off her year of saying yes to everything. All the while, Viv was still in Colorado, and they had started their own journey. ♪

still like in this yo-yo of a relationship trying to figure out stuff out saying pick me choose me i go through my washing machine and get spat out i'm like okay cool i'm in therapy

When I reflect back on it, all of my relationships have the same theme, me chasing and getting discarded and neglected constantly and spent the majority of my early adult years, even into my like mid to late 30s, I will say. Chasing for validation, chasing for worth, where my value really came from the success of my romantic relationships. During this time in therapy, Viv was doing the hard work.

Looking inward and self-reflecting on who they were and how they got there. Going into my adult life and my relationships, it was always very unhealthy cycles in relationships. And it was, you know, hot and heavy and then cold and dismissive and just like groveling back like, no, choose me, choose me over and over. And there was one moment

relationship that really the universe and higher power was trying to smack it in me what I needed to learn and that's stemmed from my childhood I had amazing parents they did the best that they could but they were emotionally unavailable so at

At that time that I needed it most, I didn't have self-worth instilled in me. I didn't have value instilled in me. I wasn't taught how to love myself and to boundary up and pick the right things, right? And so I was really taught if I perform and I do well, then I'm worthy. So I showed up that way in my relationships.

And it took me like 10 years to figure it out. I allowed someone to repeatedly discard me. I continued to beg to be chosen over and over and over again. And it was just the right combination of two people to have a very hot cycle. Like it was addictive. So I became addicted to people and love, just this person essentially in the cycle, not knowing it.

I finally hit my breaking point, probably around four and a half-ish years ago, I want to say. I had got the cycle started. I got discarded. I was blindsided, like, what's going on? And I finally said, no, why am I showing up this way? So then I put myself into therapy. I put myself into therapy and did a lot of unpacking, and it's been about four years in. I've learned so much about myself. I am not...

the person who I was four years ago, is it in me? Sure. When provoked, right? But having that awareness and just

understanding how I showed up, why I showed up the way that I did really allowed me to take a step back and go into that space of solitude where at first it begins as loneliness and you're just like, oh, poor me. I'm all by myself. And that's just a part of the healing process and the growing process to get comfortable in sitting with yourself. It's uncomfortable and sometimes it feels gross and sometimes you're just like,

I don't like who I am, but that doesn't mean that's who you are in your core. It's just how you've showed up. Look, 40s, best time of my life. I'm not trying to relive my 20s by any means, but if I had some additional tools, knowledge and experience, I do wonder, like, where would I be today? But that's not to take away the path I had to go down to experience to get to where I'm at today.

I started getting more active on social media and posting. Because of my journey and what I've experienced, I want to help other people. I'm like, hey, do the work. It's hard and it's tough, but it's so worth it because you can show up and navigate this world 10 times better than any other way, than a wounded way. This is the part of the story that I was watching unfold in real time.

To see them all of a sudden pop up out of the blue, and this wasn't just one, it was multiple days of social posts. They were all very positive and very feel-good, but I just wanted to check in. Call it algorithms or fate, the universe wasn't going to let these two miss an opportunity to reconnect at this time in their lives.

I had no intentions of, oh, we're going to totally, like, this is my in. No, it was just, you're popping up on my socials. You haven't ever, like, I've never in the maybe five or so years that we've been friends on Facebook, they'd never posted a story that I was aware of or that popped up for me. I just wanted to check in, just see how they were doing, see how life was treating them. I had no clue whatsoever.

about like what they'd been through and where they were at now. I also didn't assume that like it would be anything past that. It was just a, hey, are you okay? And so I reached out. Viv will never let it go that my first words were against my better judgment. I reached out. I'm like, oh, okay. Well, your better judgment. I'm like, did you break dance fight with your better judgment? And I know like right away, that's what

just solidified, we're still the same people. Life has happened. Let's catch up and see what's going on. In those initial messages, like we chatted throughout the majority of that day, just catching up on things. She was really excited to share, like, you know, she's stepping out of her comfort zone. She's growing. She can't believe that she was just so complacent for so many years in an autopilot. And so I absolutely loved that, that she was in that position.

So like her doing all these things, I'm like, okay, she's in a point in her life where she's doing some work. She's in self-discovery. She's healing. I am not going to throw myself into that bowl because that's unfair and undeserving. Like Gina deserves to experience this healing. Who is she after this relationship? Like what is she wanting out of life? I remember that Gina and Viv were constantly talking and part of me was excited and

But the other part of me was scared. I was afraid that Gina was going to get wrapped up in this toxic cycle again. I mean, how many of our exes have actually gone to therapy? We have always had this super strong connection. And from that moment we started talking, I was like, I still hear your voice. I still can see you. I see you in front of me talking to me. But we talked like throughout the day, that first day. And then I thought that was going to be it. I thought, OK, that was nice.

I'm moving on with my life. And then two, three days later, they messaged me. And I was like, why are you messaging me? We're not supposed to like, this was a just quick, hey. I mean, but I was also happy. I was happy. But we ended up talking all day. And then that turned into weeks and months of them eventually becoming the first person I talked to in the morning and the last person I talked to at night.

I had posted a story and I was like, hey, make your recommendations, movie recommendations, what you got. This is like really in the depths of my micro retirement. So she makes a recommendation of past lives and I Google it. So the storyline of past lives is, you know, a connection between two people. Life goes on, life brings them back together, but it just never aligns. But they're two souls that are meant to be. And she's like, don't read into it.

And so I watch it and then I text my best friend from childhood. I'm like, yo. So, and she's caught up on Gina reaching out and we're all like, oh, what's going to happen? I'm like, yo, Gina made this recommendation of past lives. Am I reading into this or not? She's like, oh, you should absolutely read into that. But it was really aligned with our story. And I think that was her subconsciously saying like, there's still something here. There's still some feelings here.

and I know when Viv hears this they're gonna love it, there was probably a part of me that did think, "This movie makes me think of Viv." I initially recommended it because it was a good movie. It was a really good movie and it asked for movie recommendations. But when I watched that movie, Viv was someone who definitely came to mind because no matter what, there was always this pull. There was always this connection that I could not put into words.

that for a while I was so upset that it was still there. And then now we had reconnected, both of us were committed to building a friendship, rebuilding trust.

But I always played it safe because I knew she was in the casual dating world. I believe that she deserved the space and time that she needed without me being like, hey, what's up? So like, you want to be in a relationship? Because that's a disservice. I really believe that would have been a disservice to Gina in being like, no, focus on me now.

The conversations were very friend driven, like, yeah, I totally support you. But really the questions that she was asking me at the time, I'm like, friends don't ask friends these questions. Like, what do you think about long distance relationships? And how do you feel about living in different countries? I'm like, why are you asking me these questions? Little did I know she was like writing down a little list. She's a list person. I love that about her.

They were on their own journey at that point. They'd probably been out of a relationship for about four or five years. They've not they were not actively dating.

We used to joke. I was like, how are you going to meet someone? Like, you're going to have to have one hot Amazon delivery chick come by for you to meet because you're not going out. You're not doing anything. We were, I use the air quotes, friends because we were being very supportive. They knew about my sexual journey. They knew about the guys I was dating. They knew everything. I told them about the sex club because there was no hiding any of it because I was like, we're just friends. It was all just, we're friends, we're friends, we're friends, we're friends until it was, wait,

It's not just friends. That's next time on You Probably Think This Story's About You. You can support the show by joining us on Apple Podcasts or Patreon. Episodes are available early and ad-free. Our executive producer is me, Brittany Ard. Our senior producer and editor is Sydney Gladue. Story consulting by Mariah Gossett. Sound engineering by Sean Simmons.

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