The rejection business with Eli Vasquez
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I've been on a mission to break my own dating patterns, ignoring red flags, trusting the wrong people, and falling for potential over-reality. In today's conversation, I'm turning to Eli Vasquez for the unfiltered truth. How can we stop self-sabotaging and start demanding better?

Together, we'll dissect the lies we tell ourselves in relationships, the hard lessons Eli learned from being that guy, and the practical steps to spot and stop repeating the same mistakes.

Eli, thank you so much for joining me here. This is very exciting. Thank you for having me, Britt. I really appreciate it. What do you do? So I am a personal development coach, life coach, dating coach, but I focus in personal development, inner child healing in the love and dating space. You tell me your dating life sucks. There's a whole lot to unpack there. So I go a little different than the normal dating coach where they think of external, how to get a person to like you.

I start inward of how do you fall in love with yourself and want to protect that with boundaries and non-negotiables. So I do the inner work to have a healthy adult relationships for the future. So I've been doing that for the last six years. I have clients from all over the world. We have eight week healing boot camps that, you know, I have my inner circle, which talks about all this stuff of how to make dating and rejection your best friend and how to do the inner work, inner child healing and turn that into, I call it my fuck boy filter.

in terms of creating your own fuckboy filter to navigate love and dating on your terms. And yeah, I've, it's been a beautiful ride and I got my podcast too, which guess what? You're going to be a part of because I am where people are going to learn about you too. But yeah, it's been a beautiful journey. It's

It's been really awesome. When we first met, I was like still traveling like nonstop, like month to month around the world. And I got pretty burnt out and I was like, I'm going to slow some things down. So I'm originally from Northwest Indiana, right outside the city. Haven't been here since college. So it's trippy to be living down the street where I graduated. I'm looking at the Chicago theater now. So yeah, full welcome home tour. We're back in Chicago. That's so fun. So you were dating someone, are you still?

still dating that same person? Did they come with you to Chicago? Man, when did we? I think it was still... Were they a doctor of some sort? Yes, yes. Something medical? Yeah. Something medical. I like educated baddies. But yeah, it's... That ended last January, so which started this...

tour around the world. But yeah, yeah. But now we're back. So that's a perfect lead into this. And I know this better than anyone that kind of those big, those big life moments and I can say awful relationships, but sometimes maybe not the best relations for us. Jumpstart this big

this big life change. And you are a self-proclaimed, you know, recovering bad boy. So who hurt you? Like, how did that start for you? Who hurt you? Which is like every woman who's been heartbroken before. Why are you this way? Why are you...

Okay. Yeah. Well, great question. Yeah. I'm happy to answer all those things. So, yes, I am a reformed F boy. I very much am proud to say turned in that card that is or disintegrated it. But yeah, no, I very much vocalize kind of my story and how I shifted and adjusted. But like what was really why I am the way I am. You know, I had to ask that for myself.

As a man, I was just kind of just running headfirst through life through a certain ideology and dysfunction that I thought was normal, which is I need to receive validation from women in order to matter. And I needed the roster. I needed to holler at the ladies. I needed... It was like a drug almost because...

It was really just an escape from really kind of sitting with myself. So it really, I had to kind of come at it with a sense of compassion because I didn't even know. And I think a lot of men don't know why they are the way they are. But I had to really go back to childhood. So I'm fearful avoidant attachment. And if there's one thing I see online is women hate.

hating men that are avoidant. So I'm like speaking from the other aisle here from I had to unpack why the hell I was the way I was. Because it's really easy to assume avoidance just choose to be avoidant or something like we have merch and we're wearing jackets or something like no. So I was a lover boy, but I was deathly afraid of commitment.

I love, love. I love wanting to receive it. But once things got serious, I ran freaking away. So I always tell people it was like just a dog chasing a car. And once you get the car, it's just like, I don't have thumbs and I'm a dog. So I can't try. Right, right. What am I supposed to do? So I had to really unpack that and...

You know, and I think a lot of like avoidant men, a lot of men that like struggle with that vulnerability and really letting someone in is, you know, I grew up the oldest of eight siblings. My parents were teenagers when they had me. My dad was 17 and he cared more about going to the club and turning up than being a dad.

So that's all I grew up seeing. I didn't see my father be a real positive role model. I love my father, but I saw a lot of different women in and out of his life constantly. And I normalized that. And not only that, I had a mom that was very busy. So and I was kind of took on the third parent role.

Uh, so I, in order to be seen, I had to achieve in order to be seen. I had to like really make a show and, and, and also she wasn't very emotionally nurturing. So it created a lot of anxiety for me. So, and when you're a, uh, a young boy growing up, and this is the typical male, male experience too, there's not real spaces to learn how to unpack your emotions and talk about it. So, um, yeah.

You know, when I became an adult, I noticed a lot of adult relationships of me wanting the validation of a woman so badly, me yearning for it because that was very much an echo effect of my mom.

Uh, but when it came to finally being this vulnerable thing, whoa, I feel uncomfortable and you could hurt me. And I've been rejected so many times for the people that should have been there. So my nervous system just like, well, no, this doesn't work. So I would sabotage. I would lie. I'd be very dysfunctional just to feel in control.

So it's a very wide open answer. But to give the listeners and the ladies that are listening, why is he the way he is? There might be some parts of it that maybe the man you're hollering at could also contribute to as well in terms of their upbringing. Well, and I think you're right that there is this. I mean, I know that you're right in the sense that men don't have this ability to feel vulnerable. And it seems that.

And I'm going to use this term like conquering women is how they get their validation.

And so then it does become, I mean, it isn't just like a drug. It is a drug. I mean, it is what is feeding your brain and repeating that pattern over and over and over again. But I don't understand how you got out of it. Like, what did you get like struck by lightning or like hit by a car donkey, like kicked you in the head? Like, I just need to know what to do with some of these men. Like, is it is it like.

Right. Yeah. You know, so if you have listeners, they're like, how do I change him? Just order a donkey online, have it come to the house. Yeah. Shack him once in the back of that. No. Uh, so a lot of ladies ask me that, like what, what made you change? What made you change? What made you change? What made you change? Everyone is hoping for this answer that I had this phenomenal girlfriend that made me change everything about me and hopefully reshape my entire nervous system. But the unfortunate truth is it wasn't. Uh,

I changed when I was single, but it took me distracting myself from myself for so long where the distractions weren't numbing the pan anymore and I was forced to face myself. So that looked like constantly dating, constantly having a roster. That looked like drinking constantly. That was a very unhealthy lifestyle I was living because ultimately I didn't love myself or was happy with myself anymore.

And I've always been a very emotional guy. I've always been very like in tuned with my feelings, but that was seen as weak and I get taken advantage of. So I always kind of put walls around that. But it wasn't until I was 2016. It was the worst year of my life. I remember I just finally, literally one day I had a bottle of wine. I was down in bottles of wine every day. I was holding a bottle of wine in my bathroom and I just thought I was having a heart attack.

And so I dropped to the ground, the wine spilled everywhere. It's glass all over the place. I was laying on the ground, clutching my chest, thinking I was going to die. I was having a panic attack. I never had one before. And I was like, oh my God, my body's literally telling me you have to do something different. Because if I live this life another year or two, it's a scary dark thoughts that came up. So I was just like, and it's this decision that I made that I think if you have listeners that are wondering why I'm in the way they are,

I had to make the decision despite any women in my life. I was single. So with or without me, I needed to do this for my mental health, for me to be a better man, because I was not doing what I envisioned what I thought I could be or what I thought I could do. Despite a girlfriend, despite amazing ex that I'm thinking about all the time, it was me and my decision. So

It was despite these women, am I still going to do this? Despite the result, despite them coming back or whatever, does this, is this the life change that I should make? So I just picked up a book one day and it was the Tony Robbins book because that's all I knew. I was like, who does mental health personal development? Tony Robbins. Okay. So I just did an audio book. And while I was stuck in LA traffic, I would just read it. And that was the beginning of just starting to shift, shift, shift, shift, shift. But it was years of work though. Years of work.

I got to say that I think we all want that instant donkey kick to the head that's just going to change our man. But I love that it was just you. Like you really, because I think that is where true change comes from. And I think that's where...

Your effectiveness in talking to women and being able to help coach them through all of this bullshit that is dating is so powerful because it does come from truth. It comes from your truth. And I think that is very different than the guys that just change because they're supposed to change or do something different. So I love that. And so...

Just to give a little backstory, you and I first met last fall. And it was because I engaged your services to be my dating life coach. And I remember one of my best friends was like, if you need a life coach, we're all fucked. Like, you know, but.

But because in life, and you and I have talked about this, like in life with business and friendships and relationships, kids, like I'm great at that. But relationships are like I am, I get anxiously attached. And I remember when we first started talking, you had said, okay, well, you need to start dating. And I was like...

very angry about that because I'm like, no, I need you to tell me how to, and then I will. And he's like, no, this is, you know, you are like, we have to do this in real time and figure out how to do it. And it's so terrifying, but you are so incredible at being that hype guy for women that are trying to go through this. But like how, how

Now that this is what you do for your job, is there is there a commonality amongst the women that you see? Just as far as why we keep getting sucked in to this belief that every guy that thinks we're cute and tells us we're cute, we're supposed to swoon over. Like, how does that work? How do you do that?

Right, right. Yeah, well, you know, yeah, I really appreciate because I got to internet stalk you a little bit. I stalked you some more before the interview, obviously, but extremely impressed with you. And I thought the same thing. I'm like, wow, she seems pretty in tune with herself. She's able to like be such a beautiful storyteller and having this self-realization awareness of herself. And yeah, you could have the number one podcast. You could have the number one business. I work with constant, driven, successful women in the workspace. And I think that's a great way

And their love life is down the tube. I'm not saying that was you. No, that's me. But there's a commonality. That's me, like 100%. Right, right, right. But so quickly, I just like hit on the fact of like, those are two totally different things. And people, and even your girlfriends, like she's so driven. She's all this. Why is he struggling with all these dusty men?

That is also a product of your dysregulation. That is also a product of your nervous system being in survival mode. And also like those driven women know what it's like to have nothing and have to be in that survival mindset and to go and go and go and go. So it's great in the workplace. It's great in this free market economy. It's great in all those. But when it comes to the vulnerability and facing yourself and getting to all the nervous, distinguished, scary inner child parts and then giving that to somebody, it's

That is completely different because you can put up a wall and bring up all those survival mindset things through everything else in your life. But once you open, it's entirely different things. So it requires a lot of different type of work. But why is this the case? So I always love...

I love this because there's such a gender war going on online. Like men suck and women suck. And I get it. I tell ladies all the time, listen, I am not discontinuing like how you feel and all that. It is frustrating out here. But as much as we want to say men are so vastly different,

From all the work I've done all these years, we're very much the same. But we just seek the same thing in different ways. So men want validation. Women want validation. But in two different ways. Men want validation through many ways.

I get value through the money I get, the cars, the job, the ladies, the amount of numbers I get. When I'm early 20s with my boys and we go out, who gets the most numbers? It's competitive. Why is it competitive? I didn't grow up with my first toys being a baby or how to make cupcakes or how to be a mom. It was competition. I watched wrestling. I watched X-Men. I watched all these things. I was fighting with my brothers. So that goes into adulthood.

And so you're functioning off of what? I'm only as good as as much as I produce. So when I'm young in my 20s and super insecure and thinking, oh, okay, I got to get ladies. I got to get ladies. So I'm out at the club looking for ladies. I'm looking for many. With women, what I've noticed is

You start in a very nurturing way. You're watching the movies that it ends with you being married. That's the goal. All right. I watch movies and it's Han Solo getting the chicks or it's a cool guy getting all the girls. So two very different narratives we grew up watching. So I see women like finding this narrative constantly.

And I can't blame them for that either of I want to be chosen by that one. I want to be validated by that one. And the biggest struggle dating to with ladies is we want to polarizing things, safety and excitement.

And they pull up the freaking heads. So you have this Disney narrative of wanting to be validated by one. You have this pushing of the narrative between the two. And then you have a lot of insecure men that want to be wanted by many. You add a bunch of vodka Red Bulls in there, it's going to make for some toxicity, right? So, but there's this commonality of this external validation that we have to get to the core of. And like, where is it coming from and why? With curiosity and compassion.

So that's mainly what I've been noticing. I wanted to take a minute to talk about how June is Men's Mental Health Month. Men today face immense pressure to perform, to provide, and keep it all together. So it's no wonder that 6 million men in the U.S. suffer from depression every year, and it's often undiagnosed.

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Like I'm on the dating apps ish. Like I'm, I'm not dating essentially, but I'm, I'm there. I'm leaving myself open to some sort of connection, but not really pushing anything. But in my mind, these men, it's, it's like a menu like, Oh, and there's always another one. So I'm,

getting that validation because there are people that I will like on the apps and then there's no response, which is fine because that's partly what it's for. But there's this mentality that if they aren't getting those likes, like they don't really want to get off the dating apps. And I think that's a specific type of man. But do you think that they're

This might be loaded. Do you think there are men on the dating apps that want to get off the dating apps? Like that are actually looking for a connection? So, yeah. But the issue is, is men are good at

looking for their wife while still being horny. So that's the difference. You have a lot of men that would be great partners. And honestly, if he finds the right girl, yeah, he would get off the damn app and start getting with her. But I don't mean he ain't going to eat... Listen, yeah, I'm investing in a spot, sure. But it doesn't mean I'm not going to try other areas in the process. The beauty of men is we're good at... And women got this too. It's just...

Again, I'm talking in generalities like social, like functioning. But a lot of dudes, yeah, they could hook up with a girl and then go on a date with the love of their life. Like that is incredibly possible and totally fine. A lot of ladies were like, well, you don't really care. You're not really, you're not really that. You know, it's like, no, it's, it's, it's, that's definitely a thing. So there are men on those dating apps that are trying to get off. But what you need to do as a woman is,

is to not be afraid of taking up space and to see if they can't keep up. It is a numbers game. You're not in the love business. You're in the rejection business. And if you suck at rejection, baby girl, we got work to do then. So that's the reality of it.

I love it. Because that's it. And you're the woman. You could take up as much damn space as you want. And the right guy will put his nice shoes on, will wait in line, and will do all the damn things. But you got to be that Michelin star restaurant that is going to make me put my damn nice shoes on.

So that's the reality of it, I would say. So we haven't talked about this. I'll schedule a private session for us for part of this. I was on the apps when you and I were doing our coaching together and then I got off them and I've been back on them recently. I've gotten to a point where I sort of feel like a dude. Like I can, I have different conversations with people based on what I think they're

their vibe is for me. So in that same way that you just said that men do, where like, I can go on a date with somebody that's like, yeah, I know he's a fuck boy. Like, I know what I'm going to get out of this, but also I want to have a real connection. And in this weird way, I feel like

I feel kind of dirty about it. Like, I feel like I'm acting like a guy and I don't know if it's better if I adjust into that a little more because with the anxious attachment, working on not creating these false narratives around meeting people is something that is hard for me to do. So if I detach a little, but I don't know that in the end I want to. Like,

I don't know. It's just I'm trying to decide if it's authentic me or, you know, maybe maybe I'm the new fuck boy. I don't know. I don't know how it works. OK, so let's just first and foremost say this.

We have to practice an abundant mindset. And what that abundant mindset means is you're not at a train station scared that you're on the wrong train track and you're going to miss your opportunity to find love. Which means is we tend to overthink so much. What should we do? What shouldn't we do? And the real reality is everyone's freaking different. I'm not the type of coach that says, well, you have to wait 30 days before you have the question. You have to wait three months before. Everyone has different temperaments of all things. So...

what feels right to you and guess what makes you a fuck boy or not is honesty. If you're just straight up and tell people where they're at and where you're at, you're not a fuck boy. Congratulations. Fuck boys lie. So sorry. Yeah. You might be this new age, woke, woke, organic fuck boys, zero calorie fuck. I don't know. Uh,

Um, but that's the way you can talk to multiple people. And if you feel like, okay, I could weigh all my options, but I trust myself to find this one person versus looking at your dating habits and know you fall too fast and it could be with the wrong person. Then yes, you have to set boundaries. You have to have the hard look at yourself and get all your girls around you to tell, Hey, ask them,

Talk shit to me, please. What are my issues? And they will tell you over some mimosas. And you create some damn boundaries around that. But you got to ask yourself, what are the patterns that make me feel good? And guess what? You could try it for a little bit. It doesn't feel good. Then lean in on just one singular options. But there's always a third option. It's so easy for our brains to go to absolutes. Look, am I a fuckboy or not a fuckboy? Well, maybe I'm a little bit in between.

And does that feel good? And if anything, I'll check in with myself and I'll adapt if I need to. And also, you could take a damn break from the dating apps, too, whenever you want. Yeah, I'm I'm about 48 hours from there right now. And and I do like that because I will say to me, the one thing that feels different is that I'm authentic in my interactions. Like if I'm just trying to be casual, I am like this is.

This is what I'm looking for. I'm not... But I will say that even when I am authentic in that, there are guys who also state that they're just looking for casual. But at some point, they almost change the narrative so that they still feel like they got over on you. Like they still conquered you. And it's like, no, we're just here to be casual. And so...

How do you feel about men that that's even men that are honest about wanting to be casual seem to have this narrative of they need to know that they're special. And I think it goes back to you saying that they need to be validated by that. Right.

Right. Now you're right that there's a deep need of validation with men because we have such fragile egos. I mean, you tell a man, oh, man's not emotional. We're freaking emotional. That's why we blowing up your phone after you say you're not interested a month later because our ego is so painfully bruised. So we need this validation. So, yes, men like function off of this mentality.

competitive nature that we have. So even if we are casually hooking up with you, we're still going to catch feels even though we don't want to be with you. And then like, and then we're going to might get a little upset if we hear you're hooking up with other people. I'm not saying it's right. Is it catching feelings or it's hurting your own ego?

It's hurting your own ego. So that's actually great. I'm glad you brought that up because some people could hear this and the Lulu pops off and like, well, he loves me. No, no, no. It's just it's a lot of ego in this. So you're right. So it is a lot of bruising of the ego. So we were very territorial when it comes to us men and women. Women ask me, what do you mean by that? You ask any guy what pisses them off more when it comes to cheating. Is it emotional cheating or physical cheating?

10 out of damn 10 times men are going to say physical cheating is worse than emotional cheating. I always tell people, like, even if it's casual, you still have to communicate. Like people think just because it's casual dating, I'm just not going to talk. No, you guys should talk. If it's any type of ship, even a situation ship, it takes two people to communicate how to steer and operate it. So check in, have some rules. We ain't going to do no forehead kisses after we do the nasty. We know that's, that's,

How long do we want to do this? Because we're just burning the time if we're going to start doing that. So if you set kind of boundaries and if you start noticing patterns that aren't feeling good, call it out. And that may lead to you guys ending it. But it's supposed to end. It's the inevitability of it. But you being authentic, that is your best gift. But also it's going to feel like your worst enemy because the vast majority of people aren't. And that's what you're going to have to be constantly weaving through.

And I absolutely that's how it feels. And I think like in my podcast, I talked about the the deep child wounds of wanting to be chosen. And even with all the work or going in with all the tools or even information that you've given me at the end of the day, you want somebody to choose you. And I I believe this is why I don't hate men.

as much as I've wanted to a few times. Like, I believe at the end of the day, we all want to feel validated and loved and be chosen. And so then how much of a fight do you put in to be chosen? Because to me, it shouldn't be that you have to fight for it, that, you know, you need that person to

You click, there's chemistry, whatever it is. And I think nowadays a lot of people force that story and because they're trying to get to that choose me part. And that's been the hardest for me to unwind. Just even physical anxiety around dating and trying to navigate loneliness and

And how it's okay, actually, I'd rather be lonely than with the wrong person. But that's a great statement, but it's really hard to live.

Totally. And I'm glad you even brought that up because it's so real. Like we have so much online saying, I'm good being alone. I'm good being alone. I don't need nobody. There's like shame of wanting to have a partner. Like it's okay. We're like pack animals. This is how we survive. This is how we're alive right now talking is because our ancestors chose each other and had this tribal mentality, right? So that's totally okay. And guess what?

But it's okay, too, if you are alone. But you don't want to be in delulu of your loneliness either. It does suck. It is hard. And it's good to call out and not suppress those feelings, but to really see where it's coming from and learn healthy coping mechanisms of it. But, I mean, in terms of wanting to be wanted, I feel like that's entirely okay, but to a point of...

I always say this is like, are you looking for someone like your current person you're trying to date or see or whatever? Is this someone you want to change or is this someone you want to become? Is this someone that you want or is this someone that you actually need that is a byproduct of healing your generational trauma and your wounds? Yeah.

And in terms of wanting to be wanted, you really got to cater those questions into wanting to be wanted because that want, and I check people all the time through this, it's like, oh, he's so terrible. He's this, he's inconsistent, but I want him to want me. This ain't parent. This isn't, this isn't partner love. This is parental love that you're looking for because this is a father wound, parent wound or whatever saying you're not choosing me, but I want you to so badly. Right?

I'll look past, I'll forgive everything if you just shift and look at me and say, I'm sorry and I love you. And that's great when it comes to the deep nurturing of parenthood. But when it comes to looking for a partner who should be the byproduct of the work that you're doing and should be a byproduct of the love that you don't even know, that is what we need to be start checking ourselves of the wanting to be wanted. But it starts with, are they learning to love us? And if he's not learning to love you,

then what the hell are we even doing? He's not a decent partner. So that's what I really have to tell clients or tell anyone that is struggling with the wanting to be wanted, because that's where the slippery slope is in terms of those deep internal wounds. Okay, that was really loud to me, Eli. Like that really hits the nerves in my brain, which is good. Like, I mean, that's the whole point of this is it really...

I hate the analogy of like, it all comes back to my mom. Like it really, but it really does come back to that. And if we don't address where that root issue is, I don't know that there is a way to have that healthy, stable relationship with a partner that fuels each other. And isn't this, you know, taking from each other.

I so. OK, so you touched on it a little bit, but there's this whole topic of the male loneliness epidemic. And I I have some theories around that. And I.

Part of my theory is there's people like you that are teaching women how to not tolerate the dusty men. And so these men that are now feeling like, I don't know how to get that validation. And they're now claiming that, you know, there's...

We've created this loneliness epidemic. But in my view, it's just men that haven't self-reflected on who they are and really what it is that they need to be validated. So I feel like it's this current problem that I'm very much in the mix of that I'm trying to find a solution for that I don't think any one person necessarily can.

I've constantly see the content of, you see men are being lonely. Men are lonely. You see, that's what you get. That's what you get. That's what you get. And then I see on the other end of the tour by 20, 45, 40% of women X age are going to be single and yada, yada, yada, most ever in history. So, and then men are like, so you see, you see, you see, you see. So both of us are like crapping on each other without realizing we're both gonna be alone. So that's just, and we forgot this whole, like,

This human race thing that we're kind of brothers and sisters in a way, but how can you tell someone that who's been hurt, slighted, disrespected over and over and over again? And their nervous system is doing what it should be doing and trying to keep you safe and putting up those red flags and all those things. And, you know, us as a society, we're really combating this

very much new age. Like we're the forefathers, four sisters, four people of figuring out what the hell does love and dating and all that is. Now that we have these tools in terms of why we are the way we are, we tend to think, oh, dating should be easier because we have this whole therapy thing. But in a way, it's making it more complex. Love back in the day used to be like a 1950s cheeseburger stop. Stop. You just go get a cheeseburger milkshake.

That's it. Jesus and marriage. All right, sign me up. Now it's this buffet, which is awesome. But now you're showing up with plates of two different things based on a lot of different factors. So in terms of the loneliness, men, this is a societal issue. And I think a lot of women take on the fact, well, it's not my fault to fix these men. They did it, which I can understand that. But you're also mothers. You're also sisters. You're also no men in your life.

And obviously, some people are going to push you away and don't want to have that conversation. But you can create some spaces or do some check-ins or what have you. But also really look at how are we raising young men? Because, oof, last 50 years, X years, we've done a beautiful job in terms of legislation of helping women accelerate, which was very much needed. And now we're seeing women are being more college educated, more finances, more property ownership.

But have we done the flip side of what was traditionally masculine for women of what was traditionally feminine for men in terms of creating social programs in schools that are vastly available for men to unpack their emotions and feelings?

So I get the frustrations of women of, I got the money. I got it like that. I'm agnostic or something. I don't have this social pressure. I just want a man to add to my life emotionally. What was the last thing that we did not focus on whatsoever last for the years or ever? Emotional space for men. So I don't blame women for feeling this way. And I was having a really good conversation with this wealth activist. She talks about money and relationship dynamics.

But you can't, but also, and you can't tell women to lower their standards. But there is a world where if a man's open and may not have the mindset, but he's willing and able to learn to love you in a consistent manner, show him a thing or two. Give him a little, you know, attachment style quiz and have him figure himself out if he's willing to play and do the work as a partner. So it is very difficult and it is very complex, but I think we all could just

You thinking, how can I contribute to solving the equation doesn't make it your responsibility and nor does it invalidate your experience either. So, but I think that's the hard just truth of we all got to roll up our sleeves and figure this out. Because again, it's a byproduct of us. And that's really hard to tell people, especially in this era of internet. So that's my two cents on.

There's this part of me that has very little hope for my generation of men because, you know, I'm older and in my 40s, dating, been married. We've we've been taught all of this in our society. The women are you can have the job, you can have the family, you can do it all.

And I think we did all of that without the emotional support of men. I have a lot of hope for the next generation. And I don't know what your age range is of most of the people that you coach. But like for me, my son, one of my sons, 20 years old, he just came to me

And I knew he struggled with shame for a lot of years. And he just came to me about a year ago and started talking to me about feeling shame. And so we talked about it and how, you know, these are the ways to navigate it. And you shouldn't feel shameful for having your own feelings. And so to me, that younger generation, I think, is going to do so much better than me.

we've done in mine, but you're kind of in that middle generation. But what have you seen as far as the differences in dating relationships and dynamics across the generations? So I do these eight-week boot camps and it's just a small group of ladies and the age range are so vast sometimes. I had one cohort that was, there's a 21-year-old and someone in their 60s.

And you would think, oh, they're not going to have anything in common and all that. The 21-year-old was drinking like crazy and she needed to set some boundaries for herself in terms of her lifestyle and the people that she was being enabled by. And the six-year-old's been in these marriages, these very long marriages, and she was finally single and didn't know what the hell to do. Yeah.

And it was really cool. But the cool thing is the six-year-old client has been sober for years. She used to be an alcoholic. So those two women were actually able to help each other in very beautiful ways based on their experiences. Where the 21-year-old was like, I don't give a F about these men. She was this really much new era of like,

you know, screw these dudes, drizzle, drizzle, baby, body, boob, sprinkle, sprinkle. Where the six-year-old's like, I don't know what to do. So it was really beautiful where they got to support and help each other where she cut out drinking with the help of her and she, and then the 20-year-old was able to help the six-year-old with really kind of, really taking up space and setting boundaries for herself. So,

But there are those differences where I think we're kind of growing up with the social script of the era that we grew up in, of the normalization and what expectations are. And it's just a slow, gradual change. So although it's frustrating, we're still the byproduct of a lot of shifts and change. Like I have women all the time tell me, oh my God, this is the worst time to date. Okay. This is actually, unfortunately, the greatest time in history to date of men. All right. Because this is...

hasn't been any better. All right. So this is very like new, more common things, but I'm seeing men. Yes. Growing up with just, just the sharing of information being more readily available and them normalizing that in their lives. And there's a lot of positive that's there where they could pick up certain piece of tech information. Like me, I got an audio book off audible. I started listening to Jay Shetty podcast or Lewis house or just positive men or positive people that I could just put into my ear and

Men that are older, what the hell is an audible? That might be a little more difficult for them to pick up for themselves. So yeah, it is very much a product of how we're sharing information, product of the new social norms, product of a lot of different things. And I do feel for ladies that are a little older because if...

There's something about the female experience that I absolutely find incredible. And this is why I talk to y'all every single day and I don't get sick of it. I love it. I have so many female friends too. But you guys hold such beautiful capability and capacity to,

And that feeling gives you opportunity to be curious. And that curiosity takes you on this adventure of personal wellness, where a lot of men, that curiosity alone, it can be very scary. Thus, they never go on that journey. So it is very difficult for ladies that are a little older, but there are men that still are able to learn. I just don't know how. Some men have four or five tools in the toolbox. Some men just have a spoon that's really good at digging. So you just got to find a guy who's like,

does he treat me well? And is everything else he's willing to learn to love me by and himself by? And those are going to look various depending on the ages. And yeah, that's what I've seen mostly in terms of the shift and change and all that. So I'll say two things about that. The first is my dad, who I guess is technically a boomer. If he hears this, he's going to kick my ass. But

He was at a graduation party for one of my sons. And as my son's friends show up, they all hug each other like, love you. Congratulations. And my dad's like, I have never physically touched one of my friends ever in my life. Like hugging one of my friends, even since college. He's like, we don't do that. And I'm like, yeah.

That's what's wrong with you. Like, I do think there's a lot in this younger generation where they're just more open to even sharing emotion amongst their peers, which I think is a really positive, amazing, like, byproduct of this. And then...

As a second note, and you and I have talked about this for some reason. So I'm in my, I'm going to say mid forties for some reason, the like 32 to 36 year old dudes, like they're the ones that want to date me. And it's fascinating to me that, that like, not, I guess, full younger generation, but that these younger guys are that they want to. And it's fascinating.

I like that they have kind of a more open mindset about things, but it's also, I mean, in a weird way, intimidating to me. Well, I'm older. I mean, so, you know, I don't look like the 25-year-old Instagram models. And so there's always that physical aspect of it, but then just...

In 10 years, are you going to be upset that you didn't have your own family? Like, I can't give you a family. And so are you placating yourself with an older woman to avoid something that you don't want to do? It's just I think there's so many different levels to it. And it's a little fascinating. For sure. For sure. Yeah. I mean, well, I want I want to quickly hit on your dad, too, where he's like, well, what are they hugging for? That's weird.

Two, how does he give love? It's a very specific way. Probably not a vocal, physical touch way. No. But typically, how does he show you love in a way? I'd have to say like if I had to pick a love language for my dad, like acts of service. Like he likes to, you know, like my car's broke down. He's going to fix it. My dad and I are incredibly close.

We've hugged less than 10 times in my lifetime that I can remember. But I consider him to be one of my closest, like biggest supporters. So it is it's not affection or touch. It's.

you know, I'm going to fix this problem for you. Right, right. He's going to break into your house and fix this project in your backyard without telling you. It's like, it's done. I didn't even give you the keys. I'm like, I did it. I fixed it. You're welcome. Like he took my car for an oil change and brought it back and he had done a whole bunch of modifications to it and was like, happy birthday. I'm like, oh my gosh, that's so sweet. Like, that's amazing. But that's his. It's really easy to see, say someone like your dad and be like, well, he's not emotionally available.

And so he's not a viable partner where you kind of have to unpack and ask yourself, okay, what do I really want in partnership? And if he's treating me well and he loves me in this way, is that sufficient? And what are some patterns or what is he willing to shift into? He's never maybe, no one's ever going to be a hundred percent what you need. Um,

they're going to fail or it's going to be maybe like a portion of it. But you have to really look at the person for who they are and what you see and how they treat you of, is that enough to make me feel really good? And also I have other relationships in my life as well. So just something in practicality with like listeners that may be struggling with a certain aspect of it. But some people are very much stuck in their ways and they don't want to hug you at all. Well, that's actually a really amazing point because I think...

In the 30s or 40s. And it was like, okay, there's you get married and that's your husband. That's your life. Nowadays, we have so many rich relationships with our friends and our family and the things that we do outside of that. And for the people that look to their partner to be everything.

it's always going to fall short. And no matter who, no matter how perfect that person is, like it really is about building a community around you that fuels you from, you know, I'm only going to do certain things with my best friend. We're, you know, we're going to see certain movies. We're going to talk about certain stuff. Thinking that my partner is going to meet every need is, it's not sustainable, right?

Right. Right. No, very true. I'll never forget. I was at a wedding and it was this older couple and I was waiting in line and the lady was just started talking to me. She was so funny and so extroverted and so silly. And I was like, this woman's a joy. I love her so much. And they had to be in their 60s, 70s. But I'll never forget. She was dancing and there was a man just standing off to the side watching her dance.

And I was asking my friend, like, who are those two people? I'm like, oh, they've been married for like 30 plus years. She's crazy. She's out there. She dances. She does all the things. He hates dancing and being in the spotlight. But the way he was looking at her dance said everything about their relationship. But guess what? She knows my man's out there waiting for me and he's going to let me do the thing that I love and enjoy. And he'll be waiting for me after I'm done.

And mind you, he's not on the dance floor with her. He will never be that dancer. He will leave this earth never dancing. But he will, she will know that that is my man and that is my partner and he's gonna wait for me on and off the dance floor. So that's just something to keep in mind in terms of, yeah, what is my life and what does a partner look like in terms of supporting me in all the aspects of my life versus being the byproduct or mirror or...

cure or fixation of it. So just something exactly what you were hitting on is so incredibly important to like really think of. Um, so I really love that. I love the, um, because there's a lot of people that have said that not a lot of people, a lot of men I've dated that are like, you're, you're too much. Like, and I love the concept that

I can be too much for someone and that doesn't change our connection. Like you go be too much. I'm going to be here enjoying that you are too much. And that is the connection. And I've never really thought of it that way.

Yeah. And then also, I mean, the order for him to look at her so longingly is because she feels safe with him because he feels safe with her. She's also nurturing him and gassing him up and hyping him up. Whereas that is my woman right there because she makes me feel like I'm her man.

And that's the thing that a lot of people have to sit with, too, is like in order to create safe space, in order to have safe space with another person, you have to create safe space for them, too. So you can be a lot. But how are you making him feel loved and secure and all those things as well? Because it could be a little intimidating for a man because then he's just off to the side holding the bag while you get your photos taken. But that's a really scary thing because am I going to eventually fall off all the way to the end off the freaking stage?

But if you hold him and say, I love you so much, hold this bag and I'm going to

hold that thing after this event. You know what I'm saying? Fantastic. So, but it's like, what is his needs? And the biggest, at the end of the day, what it really is, is like, we're just kids. So you're going to show me the eight-year-old version of yourself in moments. I have to be that loving, safe parent for you when you show that. I'm going to be that little boy. Are you going to be that loving parent for me when I show you that? And it's us showing ourselves in that into creating a loving space. So yeah, be all that you can be. Use military references now, but also,

You got to know that he's my man too. And I get him to fill his cup as well. And it's, it's going to be fine. But you being a lot is your greatest filter. That's going to be how you create an authentic love, you know, at the end of the day. I didn't answer your, uh, uh, your, uh, sugar mama, uh, cougar question. I didn't get to get on that. These 30 somethings want me, you know, like, what do I do?

OK, tell me. Tell me why I'm a cougar. Did you want to unpack that? We didn't get around to it. I don't understand it. Like it is very and I've had some men try and explain it. And I'm like, I think you're bullshitting me.

I mean, well, it's hot. Like dating older women is hot. It's just hot. Why is it hot? Because it's rare. Why is it rare? Like, and because it's rare, what does it do to our ego? Shoots it straight up. So I have to warn women that say, and I don't think this is necessarily your situation, but I have to warn women who's like...

I'm older and I got it like that. And all these young men want me and all these men. Yeah, of course they're going to want you because if there's one thing, there's multiple things young men have on their to-do list, if you know what I'm saying. And one is an older woman. I'll never forget. I was 23.

And I dated a woman who was 34. I felt like the freaking boss, man. I was letting all my boys know, yeah, I'm hollering. This is like 30 something year old, you know what I'm saying? You know, what's up with it? You know, cause it's so rare. And the guys are like, whoa, that's really good. Oh man, she's older. You know what I'm saying? And, and if you really want to get to a dude's brain,

What we're thinking is, oh, you're older, so you hooked up with more dudes, yet you want this. So that means I'm rocking it. I'm pleasing those older women, you know what I'm saying? So it's this big ego thing, but...

That's just a portion of dudes. There are some dudes that actually want to be with you and date you. But there is a little bit of hotness, though, of saying, like, oh, I got this rare being that's here. Well, and I'm okay with that answer. I just wish that that would be what their answer would be. Like, cut out the bullshit. Like, I am old. I don't need the bullshit. Like, you know, I want to do this because you're hot. Cool. Yeah.

Here for that. Yeah. Well, a lot of guys struggle with that because, first off, you see, I don't see you as old. I'm not sure you're older, depending on who you're with. All right? But especially with you and your essence, girl. I'm quite old, though. I feel like 21 at the club, the way you're riding motorcycles and doing podcasts and all that. In that little checkbox of ages, I'm like down the road. Well, with dudes, it's like, well...

A lot of things, a lot of like what women say, like, just be honest. Just be honest. Just be honest. Well, if I'm honest, then you're not going to want to holler at me because women that even want casual, they don't want to feel like it's casual in a lot of dudes' minds. Because if I say, yo, I just want to just bump bellies and call it a day. Well, now you have to ask what my favorite color is. You got to like act like you're interested. You got to court me a little bit. You may get a little excited when you shop at Burlington. Burlington.

Close your eyes, exhale, feel your body relax, and let go of whatever you're carrying today.

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Now that sounds like a good summer. Order now on Uber Eats. Terms apply. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. I ignore red flags like it's my fucking job. Like it's going to catapult me to success to ignore red flags. And, and, and,

I think a lot of it is, you know, as a mom or getting through stuff, I want to see the best in people. So when people tell me stuff, I trust them. I want to hear their story. I want to experience their life and empathize with them. And I do it with men. And even the men, like, I mean, I'll be honest. You see a man and I'm like, that is a walking red flag.

Am I still going to hook up with him? Yes. Am I going to be, am I going to talk shit about it later to my girlfriends? Yes. But did I know? Absolutely. But then there's the subtle, like the good boy presenting guys that, that really care and really empathize. And they, I don't want to just have, I just, I mean, I don't want anything serious, but I want to have a connection. And like those guys are,

to me, the worst. Like they're the hardest to deal with because it's, it's, you either want to be the fuck boy or you want to be in a relationship, but these guys that need the connection, but they still want it to be casual. Like they're, they're like my kryptonite and it's so hard for me to navigate. So when you say hard to navigate, it's it, but yet you've

just verbalized the very like byproduct of this man to a T. So what is hard to navigate if you know exactly like... My wiring is that that guy is a good guy at the heart and I am going to be the one

That shows him that he really can get connected to someone. And so that's my, you know, I not even that I can change him, but I can show him like that love and connection really is amazing. And you do want that.

So that's really sweet, but you're still changing. You're still parenting him. You're still like holding his hand. So you can frame it any way you want. So again, Emma, is this a man I want to change or is this a man I want to become? That's it. It's not your job to change him.

And I'm not saying that he's supposed to be perfect. That's not what I mean. What I mean is he's taking full accountability of where he's at in his life and he has a clear path forward with or without you, what the next stage is. And you're just supporting him through that process. It's not, if he doesn't, if he don't know what the hell he needs to even focus on, how the hell are you supposed to show him that? So you're forcing him into a school he doesn't feel like he needs to even be in. And what do men do? They get defensive, they push away and they feel not enough and then they cheat on you or they sabotage or do whatever the hell else. So, um,

We're hitting on it right there of what boundary you need to set for yourself. And this is why I wanted you to start dating. We could be in a lab all we want, but it don't mean a damn thing until your nervous system triggered. But you got to put your foot down and do something different. And that's really what it is. It's just the exposure therapy of it. This dating game could actually be the most greatest personal development era of your life. But it's up to you to use it in a way to look at yourself differently.

These men are just a mirror. They're just a self-reflection of what you're enabling or what you're not putting in, put your foot down with. Because again, you, your job is to filter them out. That was a little hurtful, Eli. That was a little hurtful. That's, I'm saying it because I love you. I'm loving your ass. I love you, Britt. That's what I'm telling it to you. I love you. Okay. Okay. It's accurate. And I know it's true. And I will say that

Going through the dating with taking these tools that I've been trying to put in my toolbox and learn, I'm not getting anxiously attached to men. Like, I'm not creating these stories and these whole-ass relationships around nothing, really, but just conversation. And it is empowering. Like, it does...

It does give me this, oh, I am in control of my own nervous system. And I think it's a little sad it took me until this age to get to, but I think it's amazing the stuff that you do with women and women.

Even having a male voice hyping them up in such a positive way is something that, you know, we don't have. So men don't have that ability to have that emotional connection with people, but women don't have that, that ability.

safe, generic male to do the same and to hype us up and to be like, no, he's actually dusty. Like, girl, that's not... Come on. Like, you know better. And I think it's really... I think it's really cool. And obviously, you know, we've connected and I've learned a lot from you. So...

It's been really powerful having that person in my corner. And I've really appreciated that. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. I mean, one thing I want to hit on is it's when you said it's sad that, you know, I realized this at this stage of my life. You'd be surprised how vastly common your experience is despite the age. There's so many people, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s.

I talk with them. I see them all the time that are just like, oh my God, I wish I knew this stuff so long ago. You don't know what you don't know. But what's beautiful is think of the vast amount of people that never will. The women, oh my God, what keeps me up at night and what inspires me to do this work is I know women that will never know what true love is.

And that really sucks. And the hard truth of it is that's been the traditional story for women of never knowing what true love can be. And it's because they just felt they had to. They felt like they had to serve. They had to put themselves second or whatever. So what's beautiful is that everything about you has gotten you here for a reason.

And every part of you, even the parts of you that made mistakes, is still beautiful and necessary because they had the audacity to keep moving it forward, keep moving it forward, keep moving it forward. And it got you here. And how exciting is it going to be your life? Everything you even created with this show is just an idea. And what you've been able to even turn trauma into to help so many people. This is who you are. And this is what you've been able to create. And every part of you had a part to create this.

So what? Oh, my God, I'm excited for your future because this is who you are as a person. And it's incredible to see. See, you're just literally the best hype man. Just absolutely the best. You just something you just said something. And do you think that men have also had that experience?

Do you think men have had true love? I think men struggle with their own insecurities in terms of what qualifies them to even have love. I mean, a lot of men, I think, have the pressure of needing to be a provider or at least how your capacity to provide dictates your self-worth. That's like an older man who's like now maybe navigating what it's like to even settle down and have a partnership. So yeah.

There's a lot of insecurities and why the mental health crisis is so terrible. It's like the numbers are, you can't really deny that. You know, men's mental health is such an important topic to discuss about more. And there's a lot of insecurity. There's a lot of feeling less than. There's a lot of I feel useless insecurity.

And the reason why even I'm in this work that I do is because I know what it's like to feel miserable and not see anything good in the mirror. I still have a part of me that's

That's really mean to myself. It's a dark part that I've learned to get better at managing. But a lot of those things come up in terms of the male experience of I'm not worthy of to be a man. I'm not worthy for love. I'm not worthy to receive a life partner. So a lot of men carry this hard, dark weight to them in terms of their experiences as well, which is why like a byproduct of lashing out of not feeling seen and not feeling enough and not feeling all those things online or, you

All of that, they take it all very personally on top of all those insecurities, which then creates a lashing out effect. And thus we have red pill content. So when people talk about red pill content to me, I defend it in a sense where we have to see it in a space of curiosity versus lashing out, where this is extremely popular because a lot of men feel unseen, unheard and pissed off and lack of.

And I'm not saying be okay with the content, but what I'm saying is there is a pushback and it's based on, I think, a lot of feelings of men, a lot of dysregulation, a lot of different things of feeling less than. So yeah, I think men are on their own journey that is more emotional than I think women realize because you're only kind of comparing men to your personal experiences of the men you date, which sometimes are just a byproduct of your dysfunction as well.

So it's really easy to create a negative view when in reality, you're kind of stuck in your own negative view that you're a byproduct of as well. So, yeah, to kind of answer that. I don't think I've ever had this thought before, but the concept that, and I know this is going to get a little weird for a minute, but the concept that when women are

went to work, left the houses, created this new role, you know, where they are doing all of these things. We did have this mentality of no men, you just have to accept that this is who we are now, or this is, this is a space that we're taking out. And one thing that I don't think we've done as a society is

is said the same thing, allowed men to really say that same thing, which is, okay, if we're switching this up, I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to be emotional. I'm going to try and, you know, have that sense of self and security. But we, I mean, realistically as society, we still haven't given men that space. Yeah. No, I completely agree. I don't think we have. Because, I mean...

But the women like fought for it. Like we marched for it. Oh, for sure. You fought for it. And there's some weird sense to it seems to be showing up in men and these incels being like, we're lonely. And it's like, well, that's not if you want something different, you got to change it. You have to change something you're doing if you want something to be different. For sure. For sure. It's hard when.

Because if you look at any change, you ladies were going against the system, a system that very much you saw the ones and zeros, you saw the inequality, and you guys could all collectively get together and say, we're going to change this specific thing. Because the system in itself is inherently broken. And it's negatively impacting us. Which is interesting about men is they are the system. And I very much want to be particular when I say this is

We say patriarchy, which, yes. But when we look at the vast kind of overarching of society, we're talking billionaire class, multimillionaire class that have been traditionally men. Sure. Sure.

Uh, but it's really easy to kind of throw in a plumber who makes 30K a year just doing his fucking best. And he's like, yeah, the patriarchy, you have so much privilege. I'm like, dude, I lived a freaking trailer. Leave me alone. So, and that pisses people, pisses a lot of dudes off. I'm like, I'm not this thing. I get one match a month on hinge and I'm whipping my dick like I'm that alien in Toy Story. So, but yet I have all this privilege. So, um,

Yeah, so it's this weird kind of thing where, like, I think social media is doing a lot of disservice where instead of inviting in, we're lashing out towards the problem. And that's making men get defensive. So and it's making that defensiveness. I'm not going to look at what my issues are. If you're going to point at me and say, you're broken, fuck you. So it's like versus me.

opening up your hands to say with curiosity, I'm just curious, why did you do that? And again, this is not a woman's job to do. But it is something to think about with all the content we have out there, pointing a finger, you're going to get defensive. It's like any relationship argument of if you give you statements versus I feel statements, it's not the correct way to navigate to have someone learn to love you. So it's just this...

collective yes curiosity that men need to think about and there should be more of a pushing of content but we're going against the grain of like a lot of dudes don't don't know nor is there this collective goal that

You know, it's not like the billionaire class is fighting men that are plumbers to not do mental health therapy, right? It's like, oh, come on, guys. We all got to work together so we can go to therapy now. It's not how it works. We go anytime we want, you know? But it's this weird kind of cultural different angle of a lot of other people want this need where the people that are the change, they don't know they should or need to or how to. So it's a very interesting thing.

See, and I don't... This conversation has been so interesting because I've seen it from a kind of different point of view. And you said it's not a woman's job to teach a man or whatever. But as we...

expected and now require men to hold space for who we are and who we're developing into on some level it is women's job to also hold space even if it's not your job to fix them but to hold space for them to to have that and i do think that there are a lot of women that have this i want to uh

This is maybe it's a new term. I'll get hats made like feminist alpha, you know, where you have this man that is very manly, but is also very vulnerable and caring. And I think at the I don't know, maybe not my generation, maybe my kids, everybody's going to.

hopefully be kind of the same with their vulnerability and their abilities. And then they'll find a new balance. Because I think with the shift in gender roles in the home and in relationships, it is going to be really interesting to see what comes out of this next generation. Yeah. Yeah. And...

It's going to be longer than we think because as much as we're having this conversation, there is a lot of women that want a traditional alpha masculine man. And there's a lot of women that are in denial saying they want emotional openness, but in reality, they want a man to put their foot down and yada, yada, yada. Or they date the bad boys and they're with the bad boys and they enable the bad boys. So you're right. We all have a part to play in this. And that's the societal problem of it. But I do think, yeah, there is going to be a space where

you know, the lines get a little more closer, but also they're always going to be, I think there's always going to be a difference. And I always challenge women all the time when they say, I need a man most emotionally vulnerable and in touch with his feelings and da, da, da. And I'm like, you don't want me to be like you. Like you want positive masculinity, but you don't want me to be feminine. Like, and I'm speaking in very like stereotypical terms here, but

You don't want me to like, oh, honey. Oh, and then I could crawl up in your arms. No, you want to feel safe in mine. And I want you to curl up in my arms, too. So, yeah. But I also as we're holding each other, I want to tell you about my day and my fears as well. But you can't judge me based on that. And there are some women that do. And I want you to have the safe space as well. So I think there is going to be more openness and closeness there.

But I think it's going to require us to challenge ourselves consistently while honoring our boundaries. Because I think when we challenge ourselves to open up, we think we're going to lose ourselves or lose control or whatever. But stick to who you are and your boundaries while opening yourself up to kind of fixing these problems in society or a person that might be in front of you. I think, you know, we might see the change a little faster than not. So I think the takeaway is, for me anyways...

It's self-reflection. It's self-reflection and really understanding who you are, what your values are, what your needs are, holding true to your authenticity, having those boundaries and holding space for other people to do the same.

And then for me, the vibration of that is just going to attract the people that have those similar feelings. And maybe that's maybe that's the answer. It's just like instead of focusing so much on what you want your partner to be, focus on who you want to be and how you want to show up in this world. And you will attract those same people.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's 100%. It's really not that complicated. It's just putting it into practice, right? Like you got to call yourself out. Which is hard. What the hell am I doing wrong here? And you got to set like specific actionable boundaries for yourself. And then bring in your support group to say, hold me the F accountable, please. Yeah.

And you've got to have a hard look at yourself and look at that inner child. Look at that little girl. You're creating a safe space and loving relationship with her first. But you have to show her what love can be. You have to let her and let yourself

try to receive what that healthy partnership is. Because we keep getting in our own way because that little girl is like running the ship. You have to mother her and set those boundaries for her, but also don't suppress her emotions and feelings. Create a safe space to listen and give her compassion, but also hold her hand and say, I love you, but we ain't going to date this ratchet ass man. You know how this is going to end. And I want you to know what love looks like. Because I always tell clients, we talked about this too, the cost of inaction. So if...

Okay. Big, scary action doing something different feels really dysfunctional and uncomfortable and all those things. Either way, you're going to deal with a negative emotion. But one, you're going to get through and process. The other one, you're going to stay stagnant in it.

And I always ask people, like, what is it going to be like if we jump on a call a year from now and you and there's been no change and you have to share that with me? Oh, my God, it'll suck. Oh, my God, it'll be. Oh, my God. That's your comfort zone. It's not comfortable. It sucks. It's hard. It's difficult. It's painful. So we have to take that uncomfortable action to finally break that open. So that is going to be my my if I could end on any note.

It's look in the mirror and challenge yourself, but challenge yourself with curiosity and compassion because you're doing it for the inner child to see what love can be. But it starts with you. That's why that's why we connected, Eli, is because I just I love your outlook on things. What gives you hope in the world of dating? Do you have hope in the world of dating? I will be lying if I said I am just so hopeful 100% all the time. It is very frustrating, but.

Oh, my God, because like so many people just are just scared children. Like it's just that's the hard reality of it. But I do trust society and the way we're shifting of change, like even the lashing out of making people feel less than or not seen out of an aggression of a changing culture.

I do think it's a byproduct of beautiful change. Like I see dating and us working through this as we're in this era of the forefathers, four women, four people of what the hell is this? Because it's all new. We're growing up with the Internet and that is a big part of how we're communicating with each other.

So I do have hope in the future where things are going to shift and change. And the problems that we have now are going to be things that our kids' kids are going to be like, you guys are having issues with that. Just how we were saying, you met mom, grandpa and grandma met. Grandpa was 24 and grandma was 13. What the hell was that? It was a different time. That's just what it was. And us struggling now, the people in the future, you guys dealt with that? I'm like, yeah, it was a different time. That's what we worked out. But it's our job.

to really challenge ourselves and heal our inner child and show up for each other. And we're doing this to create a better world for the future that we'll never see. And that creates a level of hope that anyone would want to strive for because it's bigger than you. And that's a beautiful thing. So yes, I wouldn't be doing this work if I didn't have that hope, for sure. I love that. Thank you so much for coming and talking with me in public.

and not sharing any of the secrets I've told you in private. And I know we're going to talk again soon about so much more stuff. You can support the show by joining us on Apple Podcasts or Patreon. Episodes are available early and ad-free. Our executive producer is me, Brittany Ard. Our senior producer and editor is Sydney Fladeau. Sound

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