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What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live from Dynasty Typewriter, 100 days down, 1,361 to go. What's up, Los Angeles?
At least, at least. We've got a great show for you tonight. Edie Patterson is here. And goes for a spin in the news cycle. Guy Bradham and Beth Stelling are here. And they'll go dolls to the wall. Then we tariff and feather our worst habits.
Also, in case you're wondering why there's a big, beautiful cardboard replica of the White House on stage with me tonight, my nephew Bennett made this. He was here and he made this and he asked if I could put it on the show. I said, of course, I would love to have it on the show. And so I promised I would include it. So everybody, thank you, Bennett, for this incredible, look at an incredible job he did. If you look closely, you can see Elon Musk awkwardly lingering outside the Oval Office while everyone makes lunch plans without him. All right.
But first, let's get into it. What a week. We're 100 days into Donald Trump's presidency. Good news, we're still alive. Bad news, we're still alive. To mark the occasion, Donald Trump headed to Michigan, brave of our big boy to show his face in Michigan after saying this about the Great Lakes. I assume the lakes are all interconnected, right? And they are.
Yeah, they are. Stupid. We know they are. They are. Obviously. They are. And we knew that. It's a stupid question. Michigan governor and former presidential hopeful Gretchen Whitmer greeted Trump warmly on the tarmac at the Selfridge Air National Guard base. Hands touch, shoulder, shoulder. That's a hug. Yeah.
Big Gretch joins a rich history of women who didn't really want to hug Donald Trump. After praising Whitmer at the event, Trump unexpectedly threw to Big Gretch to share some remarks.
Well, I hadn't planned to speak, but I'm on behalf of all the military men and women who serve our country and serve so honorably on behalf of the state of Michigan. I am really damn happy we're here to celebrate this recapitalization at Selfridge. So thank you. I'm so, so grateful that this announcement was made today and I appreciate all the work. Thank you.
That pause is incredible. She turns back toward Donald Trump as if on some level she hopes someone else will be there. Like Joe Biden or John Wayne Gacy or anybody. I'll hug him, but I draw the line at saying his name. You can't use the passive voice after an active hug. There's no getting around it. In a hug, the subject acts upon the object.
Trump also sat down for an interview with ABC News' Terry Moran to mark the first 100 days. Even some people who voted for you saying,
I didn't sign up for this. So how do you answer those concerns? Well, they did sign up for it, actually, and... You know what? What he's right, he's fucking right. People did sign up for it. Voting for Trump is like clicking I Have Read the Terms and Conditions on a one-month free trial for Disney+. It's all fun and games until it's year seven, and they're saying it's legally your fault you got the threatening food poisoning from a Ronto wrap at Star Wars Galaxy's Edge.
Speaking of making you sick, the Trump administration last week deported three children who are U.S. citizens to Honduras along with their mothers, including a four-year-old being treated for metastatic cancer. Oh, so Trump is bringing down American cancer rates and you're mad.
A Trump-appointed judge agreed that due process seems to have been violated, and lawyers for the two families said that the mothers were not given the option to leave their American children in the U.S. before they were put on a plane. Disgusting. Even the Nazis gave Sophie a choice. You know, the news is what it is. We go to war every week with the news we have.
Meanwhile, back in D.C., Trump's staff decorated the White House lawn with around 100 posters featuring mugshots of immigrants, which is pretty embarrassing, putting up your Easter decorations a full week late, but sure. Speaking of bringing someone back, after weeks of saying they couldn't secure the release of Kilmar Abrego-Garcia, Trump told ABC News the opposite.
There's a phone on this desk. I could. You could pick it up and with all the power of the presidency, you could call up the president of El Salvador and say, send him back right now. And if he were the gentleman that you say he is, I would do that. But the court has ordered you.
Trump's ego won't let him say that there's any area where he's powerless, and that's how we get this guy out of there. Democrats need to get in front of cameras and say over and over, I actually don't think Trump can get a Borrego Garcia back. I don't think he's strong and powerful enough. Over and over and over. Just can't do it. His arms aren't strong enough. His dick isn't big enough. Can't be done. This is barely a joke. It's just a sincere messaging suggestion.
Trump also got into an argument with Moran about Abrego Garcia's tattoos, claiming the Maryland man had MS-13 literally tattooed on his knuckles, when in fact the Trump administration photoshopped MS-13 onto a photo of Abrego Garcia to use as a prop.
It wasn't a member of a gang. And then they looked and on his knuckles, he had MS-13. There's a dispute over that. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He had MS-13 on his knuckles tattooed. He had some tattoos that are interpreted that way. But let's move on. Wait a minute. Hey, Terry, Terry, Terry. He did not have the letter MS-13. It says MS-13. That was Photoshopped.
That was Photoshopped. Hey, they're giving you the big break of a lifetime. You know, you're doing the interview. I picked you because, frankly, I never heard of you, but that's okay. I picked you because I never heard of you, but that's okay. There are times when Trump is obviously lying, but in this instance, I believe he genuinely fell for his own edited photo. Our big dumb boy covered a toilet in saran wrap, turned around, walked back in, and sat down to take a shit.
Here's the photo Trump is referring to.
Now, if you look at it, you can see that it has MS-13 digitally added to the image hovering above Abrego Garcia's actual knuckle tattoos, which are a marijuana leaf, a smiley face with crossed out eyes, a cross, and a skull. The actual meaning of those, they're claiming that definitely means he's part of MS-13. That's obviously in dispute. The MS-13 was not added to the photo to trick anybody, but it tricked Trump. Yeah.
They weren't even trying to make a deceptive Photoshop. It's just there to make the case that the tattoos are a form of a pictogram. It's like if you met Meryl Streep and asked what happened to her Getty Images tattoo. During Trump's televised cabinet meeting on Wednesday, Marco Rubio snapped at a reporter for asking about Abrego Garcia. Have you been in touch with El Salvador about returning Abrego Garcia as a formal request from this administration?
Well, I would never tell you that. And you know who else I'll never tell? A judge. Rubio, like all Trump appointees, had to attend the pissy little bitch school of American diplomacy. But it was actually a Trump judge on Thursday who shut down any deportations being carried out under the Alien Enemies Act. So miss us with your snide little remarcos. Also this week, the sub-dom romance between Jeff Bezos and Donald Trump seemed briefly imperiled. Sorry for putting that image in your head.
Now you won't be able to unsee it. Now please switch their positions. Can't unsee that either. Now switch them back. First, Punchbowl News reported that Amazon would start displaying how much of a product's total cost was the result of Trump's tariffs. Consumers would see that they were paying the tariffs rather than China, as Trump had long promised. Kind of a cool move. Doesn't sound like them.
Of course, it's slippery slope. I don't think we actually want to know the detailed cost breakdown of the unholy global mechanism by which basically any household item is delivered to us inside of 24 hours. However, it happens that I can order vegan protein powder, a new pair of dress sneakers, and a book on relationships recommended to me by my lawyer before I go to bed. And it's waiting for me in the vestibule of a bank near my house by morning, whatever the taxes,
Tariffs, fuel costs, urine bottle disposal fees that make it possible. I know it's in defiance of God's will. I know I'll have to answer for it in this life or the next. What is the tariff to cross the gates of heaven? Jeff Bezos asked Lauren Sanchez late one night. Or is it hell where you arrive just in time? But she can't hear him because she's wearing her red light helmet. Sad. She's having a genuine moment, but...
She's in the red light. White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt reacted to the report at her press briefing that morning, saying this. This is a hostile and political act by Amazon. Kind of a cool move.
Doesn't sound like them. After Bezos spoke to Trump on the phone, which was actually before the White House press secretary's comment, believe it or not, an Amazon spokesperson denied that the company ever planned to display tariff costs, saying that only Amazon Hall's storefront, its new discount Shein competitor, considered the idea, which was never approved and is not going to happen. Now that sounds like them. By Tuesday afternoon, Trump was patting Bezos on his shiny bald head.
Jeff Bezos was very nice. He was terrific. He solved the problem very quickly. And he did the right thing. And he's a good guy. Great guy, Jeff Bezos. He did a great job. Not a lot of teeth. Sometimes there's teeth when you don't want teeth. But not with Jeff. He did a great job.
Yeah. In other oligarch news, here's Elon Musk doing one of his famous comedy bits at Wednesday's cabinet meeting. Elon, I love the double hat, but he's the only one that can do that. Well, Mr. President, they say I wear a lot of hats. That's true. Even my hat has a hat. So fucking funny.
So unfunny. What have I done? So unfunny. Oh, it makes me so, oh no. Bennett's White House. For those listening.
I destroyed the White House that we claimed to be made by my nephew Bennett, part of a setup that began at the very beginning of tonight's show. And you can see it if you go to Love It or Leave It's YouTube and subscribe. You gotta subscribe to our YouTube. During that meeting, Trump addressed the prospect of tariffs disrupting supply chains and raising consumer prices. Somebody said, oh, the shelves are gonna be open. Well, maybe the children will have $2 instead of $30, you know?
And maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more. Simply ask the child, does the doll spark joy? Look, as always, Donald Trump is so wise. We are too materialistic, and Trump has always said this. Don't worry, I'll talk to him, said Eric, addressing his 30 sex dolls. But of course, you like the filthy stuff. It's a freaky crowd tonight. You're a bunch of sick little creeps. Anything sexual you're really going for, you're really enjoying it.
Sick. But of course, Trump's cronies ate it up, turning the week's cabinet meeting into a round of spin the bottle for Trump's ass. See what I mean? Here's Attorney General Pam Bondi praising her boss, President. President, your first 100 days has far exceeded that of any other presidency in this country. Ever. Ever. Never seen anything like it. Thank you. How did you make President sound like Daddy?
Bondi also claimed Trump seized on so much fentanyl in the last 100 days, he saved 75% of the country's population from overdosing. 4,400 kilos of fentanyl since you've been your last 100 days, which saved, are you ready for this, media? 258 million lives. Kids are dying every day because they're taking this junk. Are you ready for this, media? Under Joe Biden, everyone in America died.
And now we're alive again, thanks to you, President. But no one said it quite like Interior Secretary Doug Burgum. President Trump, in your first term when I had a chance to work with you as governor, you were courageous. The thing that's empowering this amazing group of people around this table, and you've probably assembled the greatest cabinet ever, is that this time you're not just courageous, you're actually fearless.
They say the best organizations are one where the boss receives only endless praise from the people who work for him, that that leads to great outcomes. Isn't that right, Hallie? Exactly, boss. Hope your arms aren't too tired from hitting it out of the park. Ha-ha! On Tuesday... That's right. On Tuesday, Defense Secretary Pete Higgs had announced that he had...
that he had proudly terminated the Women, Peace, and Security Program, an initiative aimed at increasing women's participation in national security. Explained to visibly drunk Pete Hegseth, you know what they say in dating, women, peace, and security, pick two.
Wrote Hegseth on X, WPS is yet another woke divisive social justice Biden initiative that overburdens our commanders and troops distracting from our core task, war fighting. You know how it is. Women be like, enough about IEDs, let's talk about my IUD. Enough about IEDs, IUDs, IED, IUDs.
I think the emphasis would have really, I think that because I, I see what, that's on me. That's not your fault. Except, whoops, the bill establishing that program was co-sponsored by then House member Kristi Noem and then Senator Marco Rubio, both now Trump cabinet officials, and it was signed into law in 2017 by Donald Trump himself. It does sound like us though. You can see how we got there.
This week, the U.S. and Ukraine signed a deal that gives America access to Ukraine's resources. This came after Trump met briefly with Ukrainian President Vladimir Zelensky in Rome before the Pope's funeral on Sunday. After the meeting, Trump seemed to have a new perspective on Vladimir Putin's motives. I hate to say it, but maybe the Pope should die more often.
Wrote Trump on Truth Social, there was no reason for Putin to be shooting missiles into civilian areas, cities, and towns over the last few days. It makes me think that maybe he doesn't want to stop the war. He's just tapping me along and has to be dealt with differently. Continued Trump, I couldn't help but wonder, had I rushed into this relationship? Terrific.
Speaking of rushing, Kamala Harris gave her first major public speech since the election, where she offered her thoughts on Trump's first 100 days. This country is ours. It doesn't belong to whoever is in the White House. It belongs to you. It belongs to us. It belongs to we, the people. Hey, thanks. I don't know. Speak...
To be honest, the speech was pretty disappointing. It was 15 minutes, which should be plenty of time to say something of note. But she talked about showing courage without mentioning immigration. People are asking each other all the time, who are the leaders? Where are the leaders? Who is the future of the party? And the answer is that it's not just that we don't know, it's that we can't know because those leaders will be the product of this moment. Some people will be forged by it. Some people will melt in it. Gretsch hugged Trump. Gavin's doing a podcast. AOC and Bernie are rallying people to the
fight. Corey is holding the floor. Others are heading to El Salvador, challenging the administration, ringing the alarm. Kamala delivered her first big speech in months, and she didn't have much to say. And that's the truth. And if I wanted to listen to Kamala give boring speeches, I'd have voted for her. Trump has reportedly decided to remove National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, as well as his deputy. Well, it looks like I'll be home from work early, Waltz texted his wife and the Atlantic's Jeffrey Goldberg. laughter
The ousting of the hoothy PC small group chat creator would mark the first major staff shakeup of Trump's second term. Far-right conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer took credit for Waltz's ouster, sending reporters a one-word text, loomered.
But then in a Thursday Truth Social post, Trump announced that he would be nominating Wallace to be ambassador to the UN and Marco Rubio would temporarily serve as national security advisor in addition to being secretary of state, which State Department spokesperson Tammy Bruce learned from a reporter during the briefing.
He says that in the interim, Secretary of State Marco Rubio will serve as national security advisor while continuing his strong leadership at the State Department. Do you know how long he's going to be serving in both roles? It is clear that I just heard this. I had, I, this is, the magic. No heads up that this is coming? Well, I have some insights as to the potential of certain things that might happen.
That's the magic, the magic of Trump.
The magic of not having any fucking idea what is happening. And then they're trying to save it by saying, well, I had certain potentialities and I was obviously made aware I'm a serious problem. I'm a senior person here at the State Department. So if it turns out that I don't know what the fuck is going on, maybe you might not take me as seriously from this podium, which obviously can't be the case, even though I'm learning about the fact that my boss has taken a second job.
It's actually his, I think, fourth job because he's also acting USAID administrator. And I believe also has some kind of role in the National Archives. He's some sort of archivist. So good for him. Marco Rubio really crushing it. That painting in his attic of a Marco Rubio who's happy. Getting happier. It doesn't really make sense. Picture should be getting worse. But he's getting worse in real life.
I'm not sure what's happening to the painting. Something to think about. I'll ask ChatGPT later. Maybe it'll know. I've talked so long that this joke won't make any sense. Ousing will...
Ousing Waltz from the NSA job couldn't come soon enough as he was caught during the cabinet meeting once again using Signal on his phone. This is real. During the cabinet meeting, you can see he has a text from J.D. Vance. He has a text with Marco Rubio. The chat with Marco Rubio just says the phrase, hopefully there's time. Hopefully there's not. No idea what it's about.
Trump spoke at a National Day of Prayer event at the White House on Thursday and took a moment to plug his budget bill. If it doesn't pass, your taxes are going to go up 68%. So think of it, 68, and this is a religious ceremony to me, but that's part of the religion. Because if your taxes go up 68%, you might give up your religion. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. Good for our big boy.
Trump also had this to say about his faith advisors. You know, they work right out of the White House. They've never done that. That's never been done before. No other president allowed that. I think, you know, they say separation. They say separation between church and state, they told me. I said, all right, let's forget about that for one time. The they was Thomas Jefferson, for the record.
This has to be the first ethnostate where the head of it could not give less of a fuck about religion. He's like, all hail Jesus or whatever. Paula, can you take this one? I got to go convince some Qataris to buy my internet baseball cards Eric told me about. Another banger, sir. They'll find that ball in the parking lot. Thanks, Allie. Keeps me honest. Trump's down.
Trump's tariffs and musings about making Canada the 51st state led to a liberal victory in the Canadian elections. Here's Canada's new Prime Minister Mark Carney. As I've been warning for months, America wants our land, our resources, our water, our country. Never. But these are not, these are not idle threats. President Trump is trying to break us so that America can own us. That will never, that will never ever happen.
So, yeah. So, yeah, let's... First of all, it's like, God damn it. We're the fucking evil empire on their southern border that they're going to have to, like... We're going to start doing, like, the kind of dance that you see between India and Pakistan. You know that dance along the border? We're going to start having a fucking border dance now? The fucking Canadians? We're the villains? I know often we have been, but we like to pretend it wasn't true. This is crazy.
You know, we used to be embarrassed about our coups. You know, people would talk about it. Shut up about that. Let's trim this down. It's so weird when a Canadian talks tough like this. It's like seeing a deer with a tattoo. And finally, a seaside Belgian town hosted its fifth annual seagull screeching contest. And here's this year's winner.
Their prize? One potato chip that fell in the sand. Best monologue of all time. Up next, Edie Patterson gives the news a twirl. We'll be right back.
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And we're back.
Please welcome to the stage, she plays a TV sister I love more than my own. That stinks. Ah, she doesn't listen. But no, she will because of the whole Bennett thing. I'm fucked. Please welcome the uproarious Edie Patterson. Hi. Welcome. Thank you for being here. Hi. Hi. Come right here. Good to see you. Good to see you. Hi. You're currently on the Righteous Gemstones. That's right. Woo!
It's skewering a family of obscenely rich evangelicals racked by greed, jealousy, a lust for power, a bunch of phonies. If Trump watched the show, do you think he'd get it? I don't actually. I don't think he would get it. Yeah, he might not see the irony in it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he would. That's too bad. Yeah. Well, you know what? It's not for him.
It's not for him. In fact, don't watch it. Or maybe he'd be just jealous of the wigs. Jealous of the wigs? Yeah. He would be jealous of the wigs for sure. There's good wigs. I want to talk to you about this headline I saw about your portrayal of Judy Gemstone. Okay. The deeply normal person behind TV's most insane maniac. You know, that one was surprising to me. This is a very nice...
But I was like, huh, deeply normal. I don't know if I've ever been called that. You don't think of yourself as... I don't know. What is normal? I don't know. I think maybe what this person meant was like...
somewhat nice. Oh, right. You know what I mean? Because I was nice and happy to talk to him. Yeah, I know Matt. I've been on Matt's show. He's never called me normal. I've been nice. Huh. Okay. I don't know what his criteria was then. But you also have a trick you use to combat stage fright, which is something you tell yourself. Yeah. And I think it might be a useful tip for people. Okay. Yeah. Um,
Yeah, if I am doing something and like the fear creeps in, I just, I have to get myself all the way down the road to remembering that we're all going to die. And then I have to go even a step further and go, and none of us know when. And I could, it could be tonight for me. So I might as well fucking let it rip. Wow. Wow.
Um, but I do have to go all the way to like, we're all going to die someday. And then I've since found out, Oh, that was a thing. Maybe in the twenties it was a, like that was a cool mindset and they would have like jewelry with like memento Mori on it, like skulls and things. And the whole vibe was like,
was that like hey we're all gonna die let's party maybe it's a little bit of a kind of post Spanish flu World War I ethos maybe something we could use right now uh yes you know like maybe that's because we're still kind of we all are um we had a you know a trauma globally yeah and um
We all know that it had a profound effect on us, but we have trouble describing it and then everyone's just a bit meaner when they drive. Yep. Yeah. A bit meaner when they drive or like you can't... You keep waking up when you should be asleep. Yeah. Or like you feel like worried about things that are maybe normal or just like weird things. I don't know. I'll find like...
the anxiety pops up in the weirdest way. I'll like wake up in the middle of the night and go like, was I, was I a bad friend in eighth grade? Or, you know what I mean? Just weird shit. Well, you were. Well, probably. You had a lot to learn. Honestly though,
I was pretty nice. You were? Yeah. You were nice. So maybe he was right. I didn't have a lot of friends in eighth grade. I now become obsessed. I'd become a meticulous researcher that my way of escaping the news is the deepest amount of like, I will, this is gonna, this is so bougie and gay. I'll just, let's get into it. I will, when I say that like,
If you tried to show me a dessert plate that exists on the internet, I'd be like, who do you think you're fucking talking to? I obviously know that dessert plate. I considered it on my fucking vision board for this table and it didn't fit with the color scheme. Look at the color scheme. Look at it. Do you see pastels? No. You see a rich, warm color scape.
You dumb motherfucker. So that's what you're researching is dessert plates? Just crazy specific tiny items. Like I needed Pilates socks. Okay, I'm listening. So you went for it. So many tabs. A lot of tabs. So many tabs. And at some point I just, it's like 1.30 in the morning. Yeah. We've got love it or leave it the next day. Yeah. Yeah.
I went down that hole once for Pilates socks. Oh, yeah? And there's like a 15-pack on Amazon that has cool like 70s stripes. Yeah, I know it. Got those. I consider that one. You're doing a one-person improv show at the Groundlings Theater next week. Yeah, that's right. Woo!
I interviewed Josh Gad, who I made a show with many years ago about his book. And he was pretty frustrated with the experience because he wrote a whole book about his career. And I didn't mention Olaf even one time. I focused mostly on... He plays Olaf in Frozen. That's a big success for him. I really focused on his early failures. And...
Because she wants to hear about success. Oh, wow. You're Olaf. Oh, cool. Awesome. Love that for you. It's cool. But that's going great. Did you make a ton of money? And so I was like, so he was a he went to he was in the groundlings, but he didn't get graduated up. Yeah. I think he was he was in the school at some point. Yeah. But they didn't move him up. No. Fuck off. Yeah. Yeah.
You graduated. Yeah, I'm a main company alum. Wow. So you must be so much funnier than him. I'm so dead. All right. Let's talk about my animated franchise. Yeah, I don't think it means that. But yeah, I think he was in the school at some point. But not when I was there. You're an improviser. We were talking backstage about
about how much you want to improvise in circumstances that are scripted. And like, what's that like? Well, when something's scripted and I know it's scripted and everyone else knows it's scripted, that's awesome. But like, that's just regular, an acting job. And then usually, like with my show, we would do everything as scripted. I'm a writer on the show as well. We would do everything as scripted. But then when we got it, when we knew we had it,
then we would get permission to sort of improvise and find what's there. And that's always like my full on dreamy, happy place. But if I, if something kind of what we were talking about is if something is passing itself off as, um,
This is all improvised, but it's actually very strictly written. It takes me to like an uncanny valley in my head and my brain sort of breaks. Can I ask you a very – maybe this is too technical question, but –
If you are improvising, are you ever sort of like, oh, we found something really great when we were shooting. So you're shooting in both directions. Do you ever say, oh, you know what? Don't forget. We found something so fucking funny that I said that we were shooting you. When we come around, let's make sure we get at the other direction so we have both ways. Or are you just…
Is it just like whatever you find, you find. If you didn't get it, you didn't get it. You know what? That's usually my take is like we're going to find what we find. But if there was something that seemed to bubble up that –
seemed true and right, usually the director will tell you like, hey, make sure we get that. Because it was so good. Yeah. Or it just was right. Now, obviously we all are watching every great scripted show on, I believe it's called Max now. But what is...
Here's the thing. Everybody was like, that HBO brand, brand, P-U. P-U. What we want is half of the word cinemax. Yeah. Yeah, come on. Like, the thing that all of us felt like was cool and, like, had a cool intro and is kind of in all of our kid brains as, like, prestige, awesome. Oh, let's take that all the way away. Right. Remember that animated thing where you would go through the city and the starry night and it'd end up and it would say Max. Max.
Remember that? Wait, but what are your unscripted reality shows? My biggest right now is Love on the Spectrum. Without a doubt, dude. I need to watch the new season. I love them. Me too.
Me too. I love them. So you've seen all this new season? I haven't caught up to this most recent season, but I'm fully watched up to. And like my last, I watched the safari trip. That's my last experience. Oh man, get ready. This season is the best yet. There's a sentence that one of the characters says, which is just a reminder why the show is so amazing because it's this perspective that's so useful to see and understand and appreciate. But she says, that's interesting, but I'm not interested. Yeah, exactly.
It's awesome. What you're saying is interesting, but I'm not interested. It's so awesome. What could it mean? Let it soak in. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's just like... Yeah, it's almost like a way more eloquent and beautiful agree to disagree. It's like...
Yeah, you have worth. I see what you're saying is intelligent and or fascinating and or colorful. It's not landing on me in any way. Right. It's not a... My not being interested is no reflection on you. It's a reflection on me and that's okay. Oh, it's the best. The way they talk that way on their dates, the fact that they just...
Out and out, we'll go, I don't think we have it like that, but we'd like to be friends. And then they learn things for like if you kind of never want to see the person again, you just go like, it was really nice to meet you. The fact that they just do it and that there's no – it's not ever going to land on someone wrong because they're just saying the truth. Well, that's what I think when I see those early dates is, oh, actually what –
what neurotypical people do is spend months, if not years getting to the place of trust where they can be as honest as these people are on their first date. I was out to dinner once on a date with someone I'd been seeing for a while. And all of a sudden I was hit with an incredible panic attack. And I said, um, I just realized I need to go home and write an apology email. Um,
Just got up and walked out of that Korean barbecue restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. I could be on... There could be... There are shows that make less sense for me to be on. Same. So you've seen the other seasons. You know James with the hair? Incredible. There's an earlier season where he can't find his keys or something. And he's just got such...
and immediate and visible overwhelm sometimes. And there's so many noises that go with it. And like, I have less noises and stuff, but like my anger spikes just as high and my overwhelm spikes just as high. I was watching him have that sort of like a little bit of a breakdown in a previous season. My mom was with me and I paused it and I was like, um...
"Did you ever wonder, like, just for me, and I want you to tell me, did you ever wonder, like, maybe I'm somewhere on?" And she said no, she didn't, but I do find a lot of commonalities. - Yeah, my mother always used to say that I'd either be incredibly successful or live at home. And there was no in between. - Yes.
And by the way, she saw both. Now, Judy Gemstone is a towering pillar of unearned confidence, an unquenchable flame of delusional self-conviction, a woman of completely baseless faith. So she's honestly the perfect person to survive living in America right now. Now, we wanted to ask you to embody that energy in a segment we're calling Spin and Bear It, aka Seven Deadly Spins. Ooh, I like us. I like us there. Oh, look at us. Look at those arms. Wow. Wow.
I like how I look in that. Damn it. All right. So we're going to give you some recent news stories. And your job is to give us the spin, the bright side, the silver lining. Here we go. First up, the Agriculture Department announced they will yank a rule limiting the amount of salmonella in the nation's raw poultry. The Biden-era plan was intended to reduce the estimated 125,000 salmonella infections from chicken and 43,000 from turkey that Americans contract each year. Hey, guys.
Here's the thing. Everyone's crazy about Ozempic, Wegovy, you name it. But all you have to do is really just eat your lunch the way you would eat your lunch. Have a chicken sandwich, have your holiday meals, and just if you end up barfing your brains out for a good month, then the government has done you a favor. Check, please. Yeah, that's such an important point. Salmonella was the semaglutide. Yep.
of our ancestors. That's right. It's the ancient way. It's the ancient way. All right, next up, the Department of Health and Human Services ordered a federal research lab dedicated to studying infectious diseases to stop research immediately. RFK Jr.'s agency paused indefinitely the integrated research facility, one of the few federal labs studying what? Ebola, padlocking the lab's freezers and refusing to say when research could commence. Hey, guys, here's the good news.
Now this closed down lab can be a movie set. And we'll send in a crew from the US, from Britain, and from Russia. Wow. And everyone has to make a movie for as long as you can until your crew starts dying. Whoever wins this reality competition wins.
to take over the factory. Wow. The Ebola factory. The Ebola factory. Take over the Ebola factory. It's a little bit like a Willy Wonka situation. That's right. Yeah. It's a golden ticket thing.
It's not the best movie. It's how much crew did you have left? Right. How did you survive the movie making experience? Do you ever see the movie Outbreak starring Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman? Sure. And Rene Russo and Kevin Spacey. Doesn't matter. He was in it. That's the fact. It's our history. It's about the Mutaba virus.
Mutaba? Mutaba, but it's based on Ebola. And it turns out that the government had been doing research on the Mutaba virus. And the Mutaba virus mutated when airborne. When airborne. A lot of people watched that during COVID. They did. It was that and then one where Gwyneth Paltrow dies. Sliding doors? No, she lives in both outcomes of sliding doors, mostly. There's a third sliding door where she gets hit by the train, but they cut it for time. What?
That was the cool part about sliding doors. There was the one where she's a brunette and one where she's blonde and one where she dies kind of split. You know, like the train, she's still alive until they pull the train off. Yeah, but like she's alive. Okay. But they come and give last rites because once they bring the thing, the airbag to push the train off, that's when all the bottom falls. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Because what happens is when people fall between the train and the platform and the train's moving, everything gets fucking destroyed. Wow. But you're held alive. Dang. I mean, I guess I fell asleep before that part. Yeah, they cut it for time. As I said. Trump shut down a program to stop raw sewage from backing up into Alabama homes because he called it illegal DEI.
Here are some facts from the AP story. For the last 14 years, when it rains in Loudon-Discountee, Alabama, contaminated standing water builds up around Ann Burke's home. When the septic tank breaks down, raw sewage backs up into her toilet. Although frustrated, Burke says she doesn't let it get her down. Well, hey guys, Ann Burke...
Actually, what she doesn't realize is she's sitting on a gold mine because come October, you can go to Ann Burke's haunted sewage house. All she has to do is hire some high school kids to put fake blood on their faces, a couple of skin hanging off, whatever. And then they just chase people through her house and
And the whole thing is you push them into the bathroom and the toilet starts to like bubble, bubble, bubble. And then you get raw sewage on you. Uh-huh. And then you have like... That's scary. Yeah, but then it's that old time...
We go be a Zempic thing. We're like, you will get sick for a month. So not only did you get a good scare for Halloween, but you're going to get so skinny. Right. That's so important. And that's what it's all about. It's all about getting skinny. That's right. It's all about getting skinny. That's what it's all about.
It's all about... If you take nothing from this conversation, it is all about getting skinny. We did the show, Love It or Leave It, this show, the one you're on. Yes, this one. This one. During the pandemic after... Well, during. We're still in a pandemic. Calm down. But...
We did this show in my backyard and my parents were visiting. Oh, cool. And then I'm not going to lay any blame or cast aspersions, but raw sewage started spilling out of the side of my house right before some... I can't remember. It might have been the cast of Severance was going to arrive at my house. According to the AP...
A climber had to be airlifted with altitude sickness from near the peak of Japan's Mount Fuji. He then tried again, returning to the slope. He returned at about 3,000 meters above sea level to look for his cell phone and other belongings that he'd left behind. He was found by another climber unable to breathe, and he had to be evacuated a second time. The good news is...
He did get his phone. He did. He did get his phone. He did get his phone and he had a bunch of texts that he hadn't seen. Yeah, like how was the hike? Yeah. That is so embarrassing. He lost both his hands. He did. He did. He has his phone. He does. He was very cold. And he's skinny. He's so skinny. Thank you, Edie. The series finale of Righteous Gemstones is on Sunday night on Max. When we're back, best-selling and Guy Branum get all dolled up.
Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It brought to you by Helix. I love Helix mattresses. I have a Helix. John has a Helix. I got a Helix. Different Helixes. Mine's a Dawn Lux. Really comfortable. I don't have an Apple Watch or an Oura Ring. My partner does, and they are getting such good sleep. I had so many sleep issues in the past. Not anymore. I mean, I still have sleep issues, but that's because of the world pandemic.
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Sitting through a lecture won't sharpen the people skills required to lead a company. That's why at UVA Darden, the moment you set foot on grounds, you're immersed in a dialogue-driven environment that simulates real-world business scenarios and calls for real leadership action. Our top-ranked faculty design a curriculum that empowers you to lead your peers, manage teams, and drive measurable results. Ranked the number one public business school in the country, Darden stands apart not just for what we teach, but how.
UVA Darden, not business school as usual. And we're back! My next two guests make it look easy, it being stand-up, to tell your jokes. Damn it. Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Beth Stelling and the hysterical Guy Branum! Come on out! Thanks.
I've been saying for years that Beth is hysterical. I think that honestly she needs to be treated. Does this mean I get the first C? She's not rational. Is this mean I get the first C? Yes. You're being hysterical. Thank you. Isn't it funny that it can both mean quite funny but also crazy in the way that women are? Yes, I prefer that second one. Yes. Being known that way. Psychotic. Psychotic. I'm crazy. I'm crazy.
I prefer to identify as Hoolarius. Hulu has not identified me as Hoolarius, but I hope. Oh, was that their slogan? Yes. Another Hoolarius special from Guy Branum. Yes. Let's hope one of these days. Yeah. If you get your social media numbers up. Yes, I will. Follow me on TikTok. I was trying to think of one with Roku. I'm Rokuku. Rokuku. Thank you.
Beth. Yes. You're headed to Canada for part of your tour this summer. Any concerns about them whipping a hockey puck at the stage? Are you not going to Canada? I am. You reminded me. Oh. Yeah. So you're excited. Are you worried about them dumping a bucket of maple syrup from the rafters during your set like pig's blood spitting in your Tim Hortons? No.
You know, I'm looking forward to having Tim Hortons every single day. What are they always pitching? A hot coffee and a tuna sandwich. It's evil. How is that a commercial? I don't like coffee with my tuna. Me neither.
Sometimes I'll have tuna and I'll have not finished my coffee, but I'll put the coffee aside and I'll pull out a Diet Coke. Because that's what you need. Tuna is not coffee food. One of the great riffs in the friendship between John Lovett and I, he emphatically Diet Coke, I emphatically Coke Zero. Oh.
That is true. That is true. Big rift. Yeah, you don't like that. Yeah, because Diet Coke is for women and fags. So you got to get the manly Coke Zero. You fell for the fucking branding. You don't mean classically mask presenting. Guy, you're staying stateside. But you have to admit it's pretty amazing how Donald Trump brought together the nation of Canada.
It's magical. It's magical. They were going to elect a conservative because Justin Trudeau had been there too long, making them mad. And then Donald Trump tried to take them and they were like, no, we have to be serious. And I just... They understand the stakes of things. They understand that sometimes you have to take elections seriously. And I feel like we've been fucking around for a couple of elections. They were just like, you know, it's Canada. They have third parties. This time they were like, no! No!
There is no time or space for third parties. You vote for the one who will hand us over to Trump or to the man who is not really from Canada but from England. And then he won. And then he won. I remember when Brexit happened and people were like, oh, that's a warning sign for America. So they'll learn from the Brexit mistake and not elect Trump. I don't know if you guys remember, but...
we didn't learn from, yeah, America's going to learn from Europe. We have never done that one time. Um, but then Europe learned from us. We, we elect Trump and it led to a, like, it's just quite frustrating that the backlash to Trump seems to consistently take place in countries outside of America. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, maybe when absolutely every small object on Amazon costs three times as much, we'll wonder what's going on. But, you know, we've been making all of our decisions about egg prices in like December of 2024. Yeah. Beth, do you think it's because we closed all the churches? Possibly. Yeah, I think if we all prayed a little bit more or prayed harder, we wouldn't be here. What is an awesome God?
That was beautiful. Thank you. So far, just to keep track of where we're at, double threat.
John, John, it's an important time for politics and Christianity right now. You, a man who watches the polls, who watches the races, what do you think we're going to get out of this next pope? You think we're going to get like one of those pro-fascist popes like we had in the 30s? I want to say Paul VI or something like that? Or do you think we're going to get like a fun, cool, like another Francis, another John XXIII? It's all going to come down to turnout, guy. LAUGHTER
Look, I think obviously we're all seeing what's happening with some of those swing cardinals. No, did you hear about the cardinal who's like under suspicion for stealing who was like, all right, I won't vote. Oh, is there a decided to abstain? I didn't know about that. I think it's cool that they're all guys. I like that. I think that's good. I think no women should be involved in the process. Wait a minute. No girl popes?
Yeah, no girl post. That's what I said. Okay, this is erasure of Pope Joan during the 10th or 11th century. She's the reason that they had to sit on a chair that their balls went through for a couple of hundred years. What? I'm sorry, go back. Okay.
So there is a rumor, a speculation, a tale that in like the 10th or 11th century, a woman from I think England managed to get herself elected Pope. And from then on, oh, but she was found out because she went into labor during a papal procession. Okay.
And then for a couple of hundred years, there was a weird chair that they sat in that had a hole that your balls could go through so that they could make sure that you were neither a woman nor a eunuch. And we know that there's other ways to make sure somebody's a man, right? But I just like... It's one of the top priorities of our government right now. For sure. Has he asked for directions or not? NCAA's getting one of those chairs. But the... Make all the athletes sit on it before the marathons. Was there a feeling with a cupping? A cupping?
I think there's a bell. Okay. I have to imagine in the Middle Ages, in the Vatican, there was a lot of ball cupping for a number of reasons. Some procedural, some just fun. That's exactly right. Yeah, it's sort of hard to take rumors from the 10th century seriously, given that we have pictures of everything and nobody believes anything now. Like, I don't really believe Catherine had sex with the horse. No.
I 100% do. You know that that's a rumor, right? Catherine the Great had sex with her horse. I do feel like she would have died from that. No, it was pegging. She's the top. Everyone assumes she's getting fucked, but it's like that wasn't her relationship with that horse. You fucking prudes.
Guy and Beth, we're all firmly in the millennial camp. After the 2024 election, there's a lot of talk about how Gen Z is more conservative than us, maybe the most conservative generation since the boomers. However, recent polling suggests that young people are turning on Trump as well. Where are you out on the Gen Z? What do you think? What's happening with the youth? Where are you guys on Trump? What's your experience of the youth out on the road? You're both doing stand-up tours. What's happening when you see the young people in the world? They're giggling. Mm-hmm.
Yes, mostly at their phones, but then sometimes they pay attention to the comedian. That's true. They got some hunching going on, bad posture. They love the Smash Bros. They love the Smash Bros, and they love not having sex with each other. Yeah, maybe a little celibacy. Yeah. They're saying things like Sigma. Uh-huh.
And I've actually had some of them tell me they're poppers or they're into poppers. Yes, our culture is being stolen yet again. It's like, though at some point in time we are going to find out that black women in the South were doing poppers 30 years before gay guys.
That's a really good joke. Thank you. That's really good. I had to do one for me. That was good. I liked that. I enjoyed that. Hey, your shirt says barf. It's true. All right. I just want to say, John, calling me millennial was one of the kindest things anyone said to me, and it really shows that the moisturizing is paying off. I was going to just let it live, you know, not call attention to it. All right.
No more. That's horrible. Do you know of the boo-boos? Only because of you-yous.
Le boo-boos are a type of evil-looking elf that inspired a near riot at the Pop Mart in L.A. this month after people camped outside before dawn to buy new releases. I found out this week that one of our colleagues, Jordan, wears a le boo-boo clipped to his bag
it was horrifying to discover. I only found out about Labubus because I was served algorithmically a video of people rioting of the Century City Mall for Labubus. They were all adults. I was like, okay, I'll bite. What's a Labubu? Seems to be some kind of a doll. That can't be right. Those were all adults. There was hundreds of adults, adult human beings waiting outside of a store for a doll. And everybody, the people that worked at the mall were furious because they were like,
Everybody's got to leave. You're not behaving. Ew. I think this is one of the best arguments for the tariffs. I think...
Terrible boo-boos. It's a searing reminder that necessities should cost more money. That, like, honestly, you know, we have grown weak as a nation, and it would be better if we lived in an America where people had to engage in more fistfights on a regular basis, and you had to scrimp and save to afford wheat and eggs for your family, and had less money to spend on slightly creepy cute things. I'm...
You know, it's interesting. It's an interesting point. It's an interesting point. I think on some level you seem to be suggesting, and I don't know if this is what you took from it. I was going to say dump them into the ocean, but yeah. Which is that it is not possible to have meaning requires scarcity. And Mike, and I just think we're not going to have scarcity. So we need to figure out a way to have meaning and the boo-boos.
There's going to be either we have. Here's the thing. The boo-boos are going to win every fucking time. So if it's meaning versus the boo-boos, the boo-boos by a mile. So we got to figure out how to get meaning and the boo-boos. Okay. I would like to two things. First of all, who wrote the thing about the, the,
the plentiful, like the idea... Abundance? Abundance. Ezra Klein. I don't know why I said it like that. Abundanza by Ezra Klein. Yes, I mean, what we do as progressives need to figure out how to create a... And Derek Thompson also, the co-writer of Abundance. And Derek Thompson, a notion of abundance and how to live in a world in abundance. And I would say that this is
the key place for queer bitchiness in our world. Queer bitchiness is a way of creating the feeling of scarcity in a time and place of abundance. You can have your labubu, but also there are going to be like two mean gay guys and a queer coded sassy lady who are going to tell you that your labubu is dumb and then you feel bad about it. That's beautiful. Yeah.
One of the creators of the long-running play Five Dykes Eating a Quiche. Five Lesbians Eating a Quiche. I'm sorry I said that word. It's okay. Okay, but why don't you think they have more just in cardboard boxes and plastic in the back? I feel like there's, why would we have a scarcity of LeBooBoos?
Well, I think capitalism artificially creates scarcity so that people will buy things and be excited for them. But like I was- We just need to be, we need comforters. We need people out there going, don't worry, there's more. But I just think- Hey, no, don't,
No, you don't have to line up right now. We spend so much time worrying about these dumb things when maybe we should be thinking about like important things like why are we fighting with our other country, France? Right, no. And I think that'd be something I'd really like to talk to the people on the lines for the labubus about. Can I know how much they are? How much are the labubus? I don't know. You know when you're sitting across from somebody who's really rich and you're like telepathically being like, bye. Yeah, and
Yes, that's what Los Angeles is. Constantly. Every Zoom I'm in like. But also, would you like to know what kind of shoes LaBooBoos wear? What kind of shoes do LaBooBoos wear? LaBooBoutons. Oh no. All right. So it's time for a segment inspired by LaBooBoos called An Inconvenient Youth.
I'll give you something the youth love. You'll give us your gut reaction. Is this a valuable piece of culture we millennials should learn about and retain? Or is this for little losers, little freaks who need to grow up? First up, we have, well, we've already covered the boo-boos. You don't need it. Here's a clip of Charles Barkley, who is also old, clowning on Dylan Brooks for wearing a la boo-boo on his belt.
And that's how you come to dogs bird nest. What? With a damn bunny on your skin. That's how you go to work. Yes, it is. Are you serious? As they should. If they didn't have little fangs, I would think that they were adorable and great. But I think it is the little fangs that make them dumb.
But I think that their meanness and the fact that they have some bad boy personality is what makes the LeBleu appeal to people. Like Sour Patch Kids. Yes, it does not appeal to me. I was never a garbage pail kid person in my time. I am older than a millennial. I like things to be cute and fun. I was into Beanie Babies when they happened, but I had a school teacher mother, so it was like you got what was there when it happened.
You know, if you did well on a test or... I love the Garbage Pail kids because they were like Cabbage Patch kids, but funny. You know? They were mean and weird. Dirty. And they had different problems. They were really kids in crisis, every single one of them. Cabbage Patch kids were orphans. They were orphans. They had no one to love them. And you would say, oh, I want to love one. And then they would say, you're a boy. You can't have that. You need to have...
action figures that fight with each other. And then I just took the one girl, G.I. Joe, Scarlet, and gave her a complex inner life. I would take two of my sister's cat dolls and they'd go on dates. Aww. You don't want to know what I was doing.
What were you doing? Scissoring Barbies? There's possible. There were some life-size doll scenarios. Talking about mannequins. Yeah, well, you know, just like maybe a doll that was around my size that perhaps we sort of got to know each other better. I was like Legos. Legos and then the cat dates. Yeah.
Cat dates were a secret. I think my mother's finding out about the cat dates right from this. If you like labubus but think they're too clothed, here's Sunny's angels. Here are all my Sunny angels, keychains, and hippers. One, two, three, four, four, five, six, seven, eight. I organize them all by series and I have 115.
So those are troll dolls. All history repeats. I did love troll dolls. And I'll just go back to where I said we got to get people back into the fucking pews. We got to get people. These should be saints. We got to get. These should be fucking saints. We need more people. I need less the boo-boos, more matzah. Like we just got to get people back. People want a fucking program. They want a program. This is not working. No, that's great. We need monoculture so that Beth and I can make jokes about it.
If you all have your own little thing, what were those little naked dolls called? They were called Sunny Angels. Like if one person has a Sunny Angel, I make a Sunny Angel joke, nobody gets it. But if, you know, I make a joke about St. Catherine of Siena and all of you are good church-going Catholics, y'all get the joke. Jesus gave her his foreskin as a wedding ring. That's funny. You misgendered Jesus. Beth, uh...
Sunny Angels were designed to be a tiny companion for working women in their mid-20s dealing with the stresses of adulthood. What do you think about that? Oh, yeah. When I'm stressed, I definitely want a little baby to take care of. You never know which Sunny Angel you're going to get because they come in blind boxes. So there's a raffle element to it. That means they're ugly. Like,
And it's also just like it's creating an eBay business for someone and I don't like that. I think there's something about manufactured collectibles too that bugs me. It's like kind of the collectible version of the ugly sweater party. Like the original concept of an ugly sweater party was someone made something they thought was beautiful but like in a sweet way but this wasn't my taste or –
It's from a Midwest land. Or it's gone out of style. Or it's gone out of style. So we all find something that was once considered nice by someone somewhere. Like a Cosby sweater? A Cosby sweater, which obviously has the connotation of his innocence. And so... I don't know. He was nice to me.
But then all of a sudden, Target is selling ugly sweaters that people will go buy before these parties. Like collectibles, like we create the randomness of collectability so that you have to collect. It reminds me of, what's the little messed up Christmas tree from the Peanuts? Oh, yeah. You know, it's like, I don't want to be able to buy that. Right, right. The Charlie Brown tree. You shouldn't sell that at Urban Outfitters. It's upsetting.
I can't go on Urban Outfitters anymore. It's too much. Bit of an overload. I'm too old. I bleed from the eyes like a vampire if I go in there now. I endorse this and support this in all ways except I like the state quarters. I don't know if that's manufactured collectibles but I love a state quarter. State quarters were a huge, huge good idea. I think the money should change more
I think the money we got to like used to change all the time. And then we got really stuck in our ways. And I think we got to move stuff around. We need different people on the money. It was that fucking Hamilton musical. Everybody was excited to get Hamilton off. And then, well, the problem is that this is a Trump fucking issue as always, because it requires getting rid of Andrew Jackson. Yeah. And then there was the question of where to put,
Harriet Tubman. Harriet Tubman was meant to replace Alexander Hamilton. But then everybody liked Hamilton. But then there was an Andrew Jackson problem somewhere on the money. Or no, that Trump wanted Jackson. It's not important. Trump loves Jackson because he was the one who said fuck you to the Supreme Court. And Trump, we are headed towards that. Yeah. Then he's going to put himself on it. I don't want to throw away money. What do you think about Benson Boone? Stay!
I like him. Do you have a clip? He's very talented and he can do flips. And I really respect the effort. I can't believe he did that at the Grammys. Also, he quit American Idol, which I also think is really cool. Oh, that is awesome. He was like, I'm leaving because I'm going to be a star without them and I don't want to be a star because of them, which is cool. I love this song. Is that right? Yeah, it's right. Do people not like him?
I don't know. I love the suit. I love the flip. I love the song. I like, I am pro dumb pretty strong guy. And so I endorse it. And I like that he wears little outfits to make himself pretty. It was cool to see the bump of his stuff. It was like a perfect little bump. Nice little bump. Yeah. I feel a little bump. I feel a little bump.
Beautiful voice. Beautiful voice. I'm here. Famous double threat, Beth. She's the double threat. Funny and can sing. End of list. As far as I know. Beth, Beth, do you have choreo? Don't make me flip stage. Okay.
Guy and Beth, get tickets for each of their tours at GuyBrandom.com and BethStelling.com. Great job. You know what? Millennials, we got our names. You know, we got it early enough. Yeah. Gen Z can't take that. And you can also catch Beth's special, If You Didn't Want Me Then, on Netflix. That's right. Wow. A Netflix special. Coming up next, we'll have a terrific time at the wheel. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Therapy can feel like a big investment, but the state of your mind is just as important as your physical health. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp Online Therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time.
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Sitting through a lecture won't sharpen the people skills required to lead a company. That's why at UVA Darden, the moment you set foot on grounds, you're immersed in a dialogue-driven environment that simulates real-world business scenarios and calls for real leadership action. Our top-ranked faculty design a curriculum that empowers you to lead your peers, manage teams, and drive measurable results. Ranked the number one public business school in the country, Darden stands apart not just for what we teach, but how.
UVA Darden, not business school as usual. And we're back! All right, before we get to the rest of the show, America has a lot of problems, but at least our beloved children's authors aren't leading the charge against trans rights. Yet. Yet.
The UK Supreme Court just ruled that the legal definition of a woman is based on biological sex, a major victory for the anti-trans movement and a warning for the rest of us. On this week's Pond Save the UK, trans campaigner and author Ellen Jones joins Nish Kumar and Coco Khan to break down how the hell this happened, how JK Rowling got involved and what is actual allyship right now. Watch now on Pond Save the UK on their YouTube channel or listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Also, stand up for the trans community in a trans people have always existed t-shirt or tote at the Cricut store. It's a good design. Go check it out. Go to Cricut.com slash store. John, may I briefly get on a soapbox? Sure. So people have been wearing, to support the trans community, the support the dolls t-shirts. We saw Pedro Pascal in one, but traditionally doll refers to
like, femme-presenting and passable trans ladies, and I desperately want a Support the Bricks t-shirt. I want to support the trans ladies who, you know, are 6'2", are, you know, top in 200. Those ladies deserve the right to their life and their liberty just as much, even if they aren't fitting into your reductive notion of what a woman looks like. The...
UK Supreme Court can say whatever it likes. I think if you identify with any portion of Shania Twain's man, I feel like a woman. We're there. Cricket.com slash tour. Also, we have a bunch of great shows coming up. We'll be back here at Dynasty Typewriter next week with a great lineup. And the following week, we're having a show at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. Woo!
For that show, we'll have Sarah Silverman, Lamorne Morris, and Esther Povitsky. We have more guests and more shows coming out. So everybody go to cricket.com slash events. All right. Please welcome back to the stage, Edie Patterson. Welcome back. Hey, thanks. Good to see you again. You too. The tariff saga is never ending. But just like three-day-old Panda Express in your fridge, it's probably okay. What? Maybe it's not all bad.
Some things should be tariffed to protect us from our worst impulses, which is why we're closing out the show with a segment we're calling Tariff Only. Tariff Only. Tariff Only. We'll spin the wheel and each share something we'd like to tariff to save us from ourselves. Now to the wheel.
Oh my God. Beth, it's landed on you. I knew it was going to be. You have one minute to share something you think we should tariff, which I guess means we're not getting rid of it, but we're making it a little bit harder to get access to it. You know what I'm saying? Right. And I only have to choose one thing? One thing. Does the time start now? It starts now. I think that we should put a tariff on art of animals portrayed in a bad light.
That's really good. Are we talking like dogs in poker? Yeah, I can't see a dog smoking.
Yeah. I think that should be harder to get. It's a bad influence on the other dogs for sure. You know what else? I want to see them pretty much close to their thing. You know, like I can't see a shark being nice because then you're going to think that that might be possible for you. So you're saying it's not that you don't want to see, it's not just that you don't want to see dogs doing something bad. You don't want to see sharks doing something good. Do you want the folks
photos and art of animals to be fitting the conception you have of their souls and character. And that's what art is to you. Look. That you don't want to be surprised or challenged by anything you see about specifically animals. Looks like we got a real King Cade on our hands here. Yeah, you want to see fucking trees with snow on them and dogs running and jumping, but end of list. I'm okay with a dog and a hat.
Because that's possible. So art for you needs to be something that could exist. And they look cute. It has to exist. Yeah, I can't see you thinking that you should be hanging out with a shark or doing drugs with a shark. Well, I don't think art necessarily has to be something... It doesn't always suggest what you should do. Like, I don't think Hieronymus Bosch wanted to burn Belgium to the ground. Oh, no.
Or wherever. I'm just saying, make it harder to get. Make it harder to get. Yeah, just make it harder to get. You're not saying don't get it, just put a tax on it. I'm just saying. Just say put a tax on it. You gotta work really hard to get it. So if I wanted a picture of like, you know, a woman like leaning against a tiger, just make it real expensive. Yeah, exactly. Okay. That's gonna be hard to get into your house on my watch. But not impossible. Not impossible. Cool. Cool.
Thank you, Beth. You're welcome. That was wonderful. Let's spin it again. Edie, it has landed on you. Okay. I think there should be a tariff on whenever anybody wants to go online and make a video going like, hey, guys, here's a big life thing that I've figured out and you should do it too. I think anytime someone wants to teach the world something...
like Instagram or TikTok or whatever, they should just have to fucking pay a tariff. I think that's right. Yeah. I love this. That's really smart. It's not saying you can't do it, but like pay a fee. Pay a fee. Because in the same way that we, like there's those high frequency traders that they make a ton of money by make doing, and it's like, you can do, you gotta pay a little bit of a fee. Yeah. Pay a fee. And then also that'll like maybe keep you just a little more honest. You won't, every time you have a frigging thought, go like,
I got to get online and make everyone else do this. You'll maybe go like, Ooh, it's a pretty high tariff. Maybe I should mean this. That's I saw somebody make a video that went pretty viral. And it was someone saying, Hey, take it from me. I've been, uh, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm one of your elders and you just need to take it for me. You can't be successful and have friends. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Bad advice. Bad advice. Yeah. He should have been tariff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No, actually it was a woman because women can also be wrong. And that's important. I'm just, you know, it's 2025 and women can be wrong too. Huh. That one's harder for me to get behind. But same. Same. The way that Beth is looking at you makes me think her triple threat is just being threatening. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's funny.
I think that the tariff thing is good in the sense that you would choose. You know, you're not going to just give 17 life lessons this week of all the things. You got to pick and choose what you're choosing. How much can you afford? You can't make that your life, getting on every day and going like,
you know, just do this thing that I did. Wear only this or look at the sun only through this side of your face or whatever. You got to pick and choose. That's so smart. Good tariff. Thanks. Good tariff. Let's spin it again. It has landed on Guy. What would you like to put a tariff on, Guy Branum? How exciting. European crime dramas. It is important to protect our domestic manufacturing market. And...
Through all of these streamers, it's just become too easy for us to access crime dramas from other countries. Every time a man in Denmark finds a dead body and has to fix his relationship with his dad to solve the crime, now suddenly it is being shoved down our throats. Can we still make a procedural? Yes. But think of our mayors of East Towns.
Do you want to live in an America that can no longer make a mayor of East Town? No. That's why we need to start putting real tariffs on our imports of foreign crime dramas. I think that's such an important point. And I'll say we have to do it now before the AI gets too sophisticated because it's all fun and games.
when there are subtitles, all right? That's a barrier, okay? But pretty soon, Netflix, you're just gonna click a button and AI's gonna make them talk in English. And then we're absolutely fucked because then we're watching them before they even, we're not even getting the three years later American version. We're slightly better looking Americans. Yeah.
If you don't let them speak Danish and then have subtitles, how are you going to learn that the Danish word for woman is kavinda? That's exactly right. Exactly. Yeah. And they're going to pay for that. Yeah. Borgen hardly know them. Kabinga, they're right in 2025. Let's spin it again. Wow.
So there needs to be a fucking massive cost per inch of website real estate that comes before the fucking recipe. What is going on? What is the, I don't understand it. I don't understand the incentives. I'm sure it must make sense. It must have some rationale, but why am I reading a book about the story of mustard glazed chicken?
And all the exciting experiences you've had with mustard and chicken and glaze and all the different modifications you could employ. And then the recipe described subjectively in full.
Before I get to what I need, which is the things I need to buy at the grocery store and the steps I take in order to produce the chicken. What is, who is benefiting? Who wins from what's going on all the way up here? Is it just, I don't understand. I genuinely am baffled by it. Who is producing all this text? ChatGPT perhaps. I just want a tax. I want a tax. And I want to, I want to also, by the way, I'd pay a monthly fee. I'd pay a monthly fee to the internet.
And then the internet would know I get to go right to the recipes. I want internet-wide recipe plus. And I don't see any of this. I don't see any of this. You need the recipes to be right at the top. I need to be able to jump down to find out what kind of chicken I'm supposed to buy. I don't want to know about your husband.
I don't ever want to know about your husband. Except for Priya Krishna. Priya Krishna from the New York Times cooking section has the hottest husband. He is an architect named Seth who loves to bake, and I would like to learn more about him. Mostly what he looks like with his shirt off. And that's our show. Yeah.
Edie Patterson, Guy Branum, Beth Stelling. We'll be back next week at Dynasty Typewriter. Thank you all for coming out. There are 549 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend.
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Sign up at crooked.com slash friends. Love it or leave it is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett, and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer. Bill McGrath is our producer. And Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre, and Will Miles are our writers. Jordan Cantor is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Shershers.
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