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What's up, Los Angeles? What's up, Los Angeles?
Welcome to Love It or Leave It, live from Dynasty Typewriter. It's week two of the Trump administration. This is the week where we really, really miss Pete Buttigieg. Each week's going to have a different feeling. That's this week. Tonight on the show, Kevin Smith is here. And we're going to really nerd out. Also tonight, I finally decide if Emilia shit the Bedelia Perez. But first, let's get into it. What a week. What a week.
On Sunday, ICE arrested nearly 1,000 people in raids across multiple cities, the most in a single day since President Trump returned to office. It would have been over 1,000 arrests until they found out that most of the people on the Amelia Perez store are not from Mexico.
Some of those raids were attended by none other than television's Dr. Phil, who embedded with ICE officers in Chicago and live-streamed his adventure on Mara TV. Just for the time capsule, I want to say that sentence again because of how normal it seems to us. Television psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw embedded with immigration officers as part of President Donald Trump's broad immigrant crackdown at the start of his second term.
When reached for comment, Dr. Phil said, sure, I tore families apart in the studio, but sometimes it's nice to get out there and see it in the real world. Here's Dr. Phil getting recognized by a man under arrest who said he was born in Thailand. But you've never been deported before? Yeah. How do you know me?
No, I've seen Dr. Phil. How do you know me? I saw you on Dr. Phil. On Monday, Trump gave a speech to the House Republican Conference saying this about the deportations. 300 people sitting in a plane, every one of them either a murderer, a drug lord, a kingpin of some kind, the head of the mob, or a gang member. And you're flying that plane. It's not going to end well. You ever see the movie Con Air?
That's what, yeah, except here's the difference. The people in Con Air were actors. Look, it's not important, but we've got years to talk about what's important. The moral of Con Air is not that Con Air was a good way to transport the criminals. Con Air didn't work. Like, sure, Steve Buscemi didn't murder that little girl, but other than that, the whole thing went pretty much tits up. Con Air, the inspiring story about how transporting prisoners by plane is a good idea.
On Monday, Trump signed an executive order shutting down the military's DEI programs and reinstated service members who were discharged after refusing the COVID-19 vaccine with back pay. Just so we understand where we're at here. Trump's position has always been clear. COVID-19 was created in a lab as a biological weapon to be used in war. And America's military should be as vulnerable as possible to it.
He also issued an order banning transgender people from military service, which is huge for Trump. He's just invented an exciting new way to dodge the draft. People often forget this, but the trans ban is why the A-team went AWOL after Mrs. T made that big life change. We debated people and people would know they admit the A-team. Enough of you did.
And then on Tuesday, Trump announced an executive order to make it harder for doctors and parents to provide gender-affirming care to trans kids, including teenagers as old as 18. Look, this is obviously awful. This is the government getting between parents and children, between doctors and their patients. It is a group of right-wing ideologues.
Thank you.
Everybody loses. Meanwhile, in a vaguely worded memo on Monday, the Office of Management and Budget ordered an abrupt pause on all federal grants and loans, causing widespread confusion with hospitals, schools, and other organizations that depend on federal payments, unsure if they'd be able to provide basic services. Oh, what? So now the White House Budget Office can't get loose and try stuff out? Creativity's illegal? Hey, hospitals, try a little more yes and and a little less we need insulin. LAUGHTER
It's jazz. And the panic only increased when the Medicaid portal where states access federal funding stopped working on Tuesday. Trump's new press secretary, Caroline Leavitt, said in an ex post, the White House is aware of the Medicaid website portal outage. We have confirmed no payments have been affected. They are still being processed and sent. We expect the portal will be back online shortly. And let's just stop and review in case anyone is confused. Caroline Leavitt is the terrible press secretary. Jonathan Leavitt is the podcaster who's weirdly looking younger lately.
Democrats pointed out that the freeze is unconstitutional. It's up to Congress to appropriate federal funds and up to the executive to spend those funds as Congress has directed. That money is our tax dollars. It's already been allotted. If we wanted to fund a study of whether mice can drive tiny Subarus, that's where the money should fucking go. And don't worry, I've been in touch with the Stuart Little Institute and so far they've been unaffected.
The OMB subsequently issued a new memo telling federal officials that the pause was only meant to apply to programs specified in Trump's executive orders, including those that took aim at foreign aid, climate spending, and DEI programs. The initial memo, as written, went much further. So did they do a bad job writing memos, or did they try to get away with something insane and underestimate the backlash? Either way, sure wish Kamala had a better answer on The View that time. Oh.
A federal judge in D.C. temporarily blocked the order on Tuesday before it was set to go into effect, siding with the activist group Democracy Forward. And then on Wednesday, the Washington Post broke the news. Trump's Office of Management and Budget rescinded the order to freeze federal funding or did it?
White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt threw America back into uncertainty, writing on Twitter, this is not a rescission of the federal funding freeze. It is simply a rescission of the OMB memo. What does it mean? Your guess is as good as mine. I liked the government two weeks ago. The president at that time was also incomprehensible, but in a way that was much less terrifying day to day.
Also this week, the Trump administration sent a memo to every single federal worker, all two million of them, offering them an option to resign now and continue being paid through September. The subject line of that buyout offer email was fork in the road, the same line that Elon Musk titled his email to Twitter employees in 2022 when he told them to commit to extremely hardcore work or leave the company. More like dork in the road. Do you think we're all dead? What if we're all dead?
And where were the Democrats during all of this, you ask? While they were leaping into action. Here's Chuck Schumer. People are aroused. I haven't seen people so aroused in a very, very long time. You know, earlier this week, I said Democrats should stop wasting time workshopping their perfect message and just get out there and speak from the heart. Today, I feel like maybe a little more workshopping. So I stand erected, corrected.
Bernie Sanders said of the freeze, if President Trump wants to change our nation's laws, he has the right to ask Congress to change them. He doesn't have the right to violate the United States Constitution. He is not a king. Not a king? I don't know. Multiple wives, one of whom is buried in the backyard, casting off advisors the second they cross him, symptoms of syphilis in the brain. None of us would be surprised to learn he had gout. There's a lot of red meat in that diet. And on some level, on some level, we all know that if he started wearing a crown, a lot of people would be completely into it.
Late Wednesday, an Army helicopter carrying three U.S. service members collided midair with an American Airlines flight carrying 64 people near Ronald Reagan National Airport. Both aircraft crashed into the icy Potomac River, said a spokesperson for Boeing, not ours. With literally nothing known about the cause of the accident, President Trump held a press conference on Thursday to blame, you guessed it, DEI. We have a high standard. We've had a much higher standard than anybody else.
And there are things where you have to go by brain power, you have to go by psychological
quality and psychological quality is a very important element of it. These are various, very powerful tests that we put to use and they were terminated by Biden. And Biden went by a standard that's the exact opposite. DEI is starting fires in California. It's crashing planes in D.C. Pace yourself, DEI. It's only January. You're going to burn out. When asked whether he was getting ahead of the investigation, Trump shot on the reporter who asked the question.
Yeah, use your critical thinking skills. It wasn't a White Hawk helicopter. Hey, how's everybody doing?
Everybody hanging in there? Bill's in the aisle with a bottle of gin and Kennedy's on the other side with a fistful of Ativan. Just raise your hand and one of them will find you, or both of them if you're nasty. Whatever you need. But rest easy, Trump's new transportation secretary, Sean Duffy, is on the case. Obviously, it is not standard to have aircraft collide. I want to be clear on that. I'm glad he pivoted away from his earlier message of, uh, I think they're supposed to do that.
Last week, Trump dismissed everyone on the Aviation Security Advisory Committee. Air traffic controllers were also affected by Trump's federal hiring freeze. What Trump is doing is sort of like what surgeons do. They take out all of the organs, then put them back in one by one until the patient is fine. That way, everyone can be certain that all the leftover organs were a waste of taxpayer money. Of course, there's no evidence so far that Trump's freeze or dismissals had any role in the crash. But maybe we just say they did.
Should we try it? I don't know. You see a plane crash on the news, the president blames diversity, and a former real-world star is transportation secretary explaining that planes are not supposed to do that. Maybe we just try it. Nah, it's not us. It's never been us. That's the shame of it.
We could, we could be, you want it to be us? You want to just do it? You want to get there? I don't know. I don't know. No, now you see, there's that, there's that little flicker. There's that social studies student. There are my, there are my, there are my, there are my perfect sweet little front row angels. You won't, you know it, you know, you want it. You feel that pull. You feel the devil on your shoulder. Like let's do what they do. Can we do what they do? But here's the problem. Here's the problem. We can't do what they do. We can't pull it off because we have shame. Shame.
we do and it's really it sucks it sucks but we're gonna we're gonna just we're fighting with one hand behind our backs that's just how it goes we're getting the absolute ever-loving shit beat out of us and well that's it it's like what do we do what do you get you get fucking fucking housed
Truth is, this is the first commercial crash to result in fatalities in the United States since 2009. Flying is incredibly safe, and it is incredibly safe because of the federal government. Trump's changes in all likelihood didn't cause this, but his attack on our government is going to lead to a world where crashes like this are more commonplace. Bullying people out of their jobs, undermining these agencies, is going to lead to a world where crashes like this are more commonplace.
He feels unconstrained in doing this because Americans take for granted the safety and reliability that aren't a given, but instead are the result of decades of hard, painstaking work to build inspection regimes and safety measures and, yes, bureaucracies that can be annoying and slow, but also made it so our biggest worry when we fly is whether that guy with the rotisserie chicken is sitting next to you. And he is. And it's me. LAUGHTER
You know, it's interesting. If Joe Biden had narrowly lost, there wouldn't have been an insurrection. Donald Trump wouldn't have been radicalized against democracy. And he wouldn't have had the time to put in place the plans he's now implementing so thoroughly. And we'd right now be saying goodbye to him as he was tarred with all the damage that came from inflation, that he would have had no ability to stop. No use thinking about that. LAUGHTER
On Tuesday, Caroline Kennedy, daughter of JFK, heard of him? Sent a letter to the Senate tearing apart her cousin, RFK Jr., ahead of his Senate confirmation hearing. Here she is reading from that letter. I've known Bobby my whole life. We grew up together. It's no surprise that he keeps birds of prey as pets.
Because Bobby himself is a predator. By the same token, it's no surprise that I keep a golden doodle as a pet because I myself am a fussy barfy princess. Imagine you're in the middle of a job interview for a new job you're excited about and your cousin, your first cousin, barges in and says you used to do terrible things to animals. Now imagine, now imagine the interviewers are like, we're on the fence.
Anyway, nobody takes down a Kennedy better than a Kennedy or the CIA. Caroline also described RFK Jr.'s bizarre behavior while dealing with addiction, writing, he enjoyed showing off how he put baby chickens and mice in the blender to feed his hawks. It was often a perverse scene of despair and violence. Oh, sure, y'all hate putting baby chickens and mice in the blender now, but every single one of you will pay $20 for it when Erewhon calls it a smoothie. Ha ha ha.
Try the new RFK Jr. smoothie at Erewhon. It's got sea moss in it. And blended bird. Y'all fell for bone broth. Which is a $7 upcharge on what? Broth. Fucking idiots.
She also pointed out that Kennedy has kept a financial stake in litigation against manufacturers of the HPV vaccine, despite being Trump's nominee to head the Department of Health and Human Services. Wrote Caroline, in other words, he is willing to enrich himself by denying access to a vaccine that can prevent almost all forms of cervical cancer and which has been safely administered to millions of boys and girls. RFK Jr. cheated on his second wife 37 times, but it just wasn't spreading HPV fast enough. You got to work smarter, not harder, people.
But don't worry. Kennedy's confirmation hearing got off to a reassuring start. President Trump has asked me to study the safety of Mephibistone. He has not yet taken a stand on how to regulate it. Whatever he does, I will implement those policies. Continued Kennedy, if you want an abortion, you can do it the old-fashioned way, by having your children and then not vaccinating them.
Here's Senator Bernie Sanders pointing out the anti-vax merch available from the organization Kennedy founded, the Children's Defense Fund. The products included baby clothes that said, unvaxed, unbothered, and no vax, no problem. Here's what Sanders said. Are you supportive of this? I've had nothing to do with leadership. Are you supportive of these onesies? Exposed by your own merch? Couldn't be me. I stand 100% behind everything in the Crooked store.
Seems to be wearing a shirt that says Kamala has this in the bag and you can quote me on that. I also would just like everybody to know that we considered an alternative T-shirt that said I heart Ezra Miller. I think either would have worked. And then on Thursday, as the Kennedy hearing continued in the help committee, Trump's pick for FBI, Kash Patel, appeared before the Judiciary Committee. Let's check in on how that went. Your boss has said that General Milley
who served us with great distinction and I happen to have great admiration for, should be tried for treason. Do you agree with that? Senator, everybody's entitled to their opinion. Is the dress blue and black or white and gold? Should we hang generals in the ellipse for displeasing the leader? Do you hear brainstorm a green needle? In other chest-clenching news, following Trump's announcement of $500 billion investments in AI, OpenAI founder Sam Altman raised some red flags by saying AI might require changes to the social contract.
So what are we talking about? We're talking about no pants? Maybe we're talking about no pants. Let's see him try to explain it. I still expect, although I don't know what, and this is over a long period of time, this is not like next year or, you know, the year after that kind of thing. But over a long period of time, I still expect that there will be
some change required to the social contract, given how powerful we expect this technology to be. Talking about changing the social contract as we put more and more power in the hands of a single, unaccountable leader, Thomas Hobbes must be rolling over in his grave to give us two thumbs up. As for AI's effect on job creation, Altman said this. I'm not a believer that there won't be any jobs. I think we always find new things to do. But I do think, like, the whole structure of society itself will change.
you know, be up for some degree of debate and reconfiguration. Okay, cool. Thanks for the heads up. Please keep us posted. Then this week, the Chinese company DeepSeek introduced its artificial intelligence, which experts say creates models nearly as good as those created by OpenAI, but much cheaper. And yet they chose to call it DeepSeek when chat GP Timu was right there.
Now OpenAI is accusing DeepSeek of using their models to train DeepSeek AI, which OpenAI says is a violation of their terms of service. DeepSeek used someone else's work to inform and develop their own. Who would do such a thing? The Vatican released a document warning that AI will gradually undermine the foundations of society by destabilizing our connection to objective reality, which is our job, said the Pope himself.
So quit it, you frogachitos. I don't remember. I don't remember what the word was, but in my mind, it's frogachinos. Remember that? Remember that when the good Pope talked about frogachinos? Talking about fags. Now you remember. But don't worry, it's not all bad. In dromedary news, camel milk might be the next big alternative to cow's milk, according to People magazine.
I'm not sure why, but it is according to them, as it's easier to access in parts of the world where cattle farming is impractical. I know what you're thinking, camel milk, but it's actually very simple. You just soak the camel in water overnight, you grind it into a fine paste, and then you strain it through a cheesecloth. Fresh, delicious camel milk. All right, now, listen, tonight, jokes aside, we're going to do a taste test.
Our producers are bringing out a glass of regular whole cow's milk and a glass of camel's milk. Kendra, everybody. I know you're thinking, camel's milk? Where could you get that? You know where you can get it in Los Angeles, at like four weird stores. Here's the thing about finding camel's milk. There's only two answers when you call a grocery store to ask if they have camel milk. Of course, and are you insane?
We'd like one volunteer for a blind taste test to see which one you actually prefer. We'll also hope you can guess which one is the camel's milk. And I will say you will have to sign a milk waiver. Would somebody like to volunteer and test the milk? We have a volunteer right here in the front row. Come on up. Hi, what's your name? Lori. Lori. Okay. We have, I know which one is which. Okay. All right. One of these is the cow's milk and one of them is the camel's milk. All right. Why don't you taste one and see what you think?
Okay, any reaction to the first one before we get to the second sip? No. Okay. What do you think? Which one do you think is the cow's milk? Which one do you think is the camel's milk? They're so similar. Interesting, interesting. Can I do it again? Yeah, sure. You're sure they're different? One of them is camel's milk and one of them is cow's milk. They're both camel's milk. They are? No. No.
They're both cow's milk. Get out of here. Great job. And finally, the Blue Man Group has ended after 34 years of performing in New York. Two members of the trio were released into the Hudson Valley. Sadly, after biting Bernadette Peters outside Balthazar III was humanely euthanized. And that is a lie. He begged for his life. Or at least that's what we think he was doing by banging on those pots and pans.
Up next, he let the dogma out. It's Kevin Smith. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Policy Genius. How do you plan for the new year? Is your favorite time to start fresh, John? Yeah, it is. Do you prioritize getting your finances order after the holidays? Uh, no. How has your approach changed through the years? My approach to what?
Your plan. How's your plan? I don't know. For if I croak? Is that what we're talking about here? Yeah. This is life insurance. You go up or you go down. Follows the genius. Swimming with the fishes. Makes finding and buying life insurance simple. You know, I actually, for the first time, was doing my own planning for the event of my unfortunate and untimely demise. And I...
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The Cable Snake is one of the most elusive creatures in the world. Especially when problems arise. Hello? I'm calling because my Wi-Fi seems to be out. Again. Another victim bitten by an outage. Okay, when will the tech be here?
And just like that, the cable snake is nowhere to be found. Free yourself from bad Wi-Fi. Switch to Twist and get your first month free. Visit twistbroadband.com today. Not available in all areas. Restrictions apply. Contact Twist for details. And we're back. Please welcome to the stage. He stole my original podcast title, Beardless Dickless Me. It's Kevin Smith. Hi. Thanks for being here. Come on out.
It's Kevin Smith, everybody. Hi. How you doing? I'm fucking good. I was enjoying, oh, Dogma Figures. Yeah. I was enjoying the show from backstage. I had this moment on the way over, like every once in a while, the universe reminds you like where you are and what you are doing and like to let go of stupid shit and whatnot. So I was driving over.
there's a lot of traffic and so i got off the freeway i jumped on to uh hollywood but then you know i gotta get down to sunset gotta get down to sunset i gotta get down there so there's a pile up of cars getting to western where i'm like i'll turn on west
And I couldn't, for those who are not from around here, like 630 to 730, you can't fucking move traffic-wise. It probably is similar to downtown Albuquerque. Yes. Just for a basic comparison. 100%. So I saw up ahead someone who was standing in the thoroughfare. We got a green light, but nobody can progress because there's a person who's like...
dancing, swaying in the intersection. And like, I'm never somebody to judge like anybody, particularly like I went on a mental, mental health journey two years ago. I was in a booby hatch and stuff. So I would never be like, that guy's fucking crazy. So I don't think he was crazy, but let's just say it's safe to say he was set adrift in memory bliss of meth. So,
He was he's up there holding up traffic for two fucking lights, John. And I'm like, oh, my God. Like I'm like, I'm glad you're feeling it, but I got to go to a show. I'm going to be late and shit. And so I start getting impatient and I start just getting like fucking God damn it, man. Like handle your fucking high. You know what I'm saying? Like I got nothing against getting high, but like fucking like shit like this. People like this. I get right up to Western about to make the turn. The dude's still in the intersection and whatnot.
He's wearing a hoodie, has my face on it. That's cool. Rolled down the window. I was like, have at it, man. That's awesome. I love that. So I fancy myself, you're a writer, right? Yeah. Do you still fucking? Sure, I'm a writer. I mean, as I sat back there, I was like, he did a lot of writing. Yeah, editing. So, you know, we're fucking writers. Sure. Can you pinpoint...
the fucking worst thing you've ever written? A lot of people for me would be like yoga hosers. I'm like, fuck you. Um, but I, I've, I've, do you know the worst thing you've ever written where you can go like, I know it, I can crystallize it. I'll write this date down forever. That's interesting. It's an interesting question because I wouldn't think that way. What I would say is I can look back and I think that if you don't look back on your earlier writing and cringe, it means you haven't really grown. Well,
Well, you're talking to a guy who made three clerks. Right. No, yeah. I looked back at my earlier writing. I was like, let's do that shit again.
But this isn't about old writing. I want to share with you. Let's hear it. I literally, tonight, backstage, waiting to go on, wrote, I think, the worst thing I've ever written in my life. Certainly something that I never imagined. Words that I would never put together. I have a lot of respect for words as a wordsmith and whatnot. And I never thought I'd arrange words in this particular fashion. And when I wrote it, oddly enough, it's a text. When I wrote it and sent it, I read it and I was like, fuck, I'm so sad. Okay.
This is what I wrote. I really wish we'd fucked before I left instead of watching Matlock. Like I'm old, I'm 54, but I never imagined I'd put those words together. First of all, I don't, I think that that is. Don't judge. You've seen the new Matlock, right?
Because Kathy Bates is fucking... I'm not talking about that old school Matt Locke. No, no. We know what you... I knew you meant Kathy Bates, Matt Locke. First of all, I just think I appreciate that that was a concise... I think that was like a strunk and white approved text. It was concise. It was to the point. You conveyed the information. It was clear. I think that was excellent writing. That's coming from a writer. All right. So let me... You've judged my thing. Let me... You could judge her response. So...
I said, I really wish we'd have fucked before I left instead of watching Matlock. And she wrote, well, Matlock makes me feel good. LAUGHTER
- That's excellent. That was pretty good. - As previously mentioned, I did some time in a mental hospital and whatnot, and they told me that I'm codependent and a people pleaser and shit. And I came home and I told my wife, "They tell me I'm codependent." She goes, "No, you're just fucking married. Get rid of that shit out of your head." So, you know, I wrote as a codependent, I was like, "I don't make you feel good." And she wrote, "Matt Locke makes me feel good for an hour straight." - Wow, you're, you know, she's the writer.
Well, hold on, because here's the closer. At least I think it's the closer. When I get home, you're getting Matt cocked. She hasn't written back. I think I won. We'll find out tonight when I don't get laid. Can I share a fucking story with you? It's a bad time. You'll love this. I feel like I'm carrying this whole fucking conversation. I feel so fucking bad. I'm real reticent to say anything. This is fucking...
This is something that happened fairly recently. I travel a lot like you. And that's before I get out of here, I'm going to like, I mean, on stage, like I'm going to, I want to ask you all about your podcast, uh, financials and shit. Okay. Yeah. We'll get, we'll get out there. We'll get out the visors. We'll get into it. I want to know how to get podcast rich. Um,
So this is I spent a lot of time on the road. I've seen you guys like as a pod save America in venues that I'll never play at. But I've seen you in the same cities and shit like that. So I know, you know, we live life on the road sometimes.
I spent a lot of time on the road. I'm a vegan. I don't say that to convert anybody. I had a heart attack seven years ago, and after that, I went vegan to thin the fucking cholesterol out and stuff like that. And it wound up helping me lose a lot of weight. So, you know, I used to be happy. Now I'm fucking vegan. So I...
But whenever I travel, like if I go to a city and shit, I got to find vegan food to eat. And, you know, most people are like, well, fucking they got vegetables everywhere, bitch. I don't eat vegetables. I ain't that kind of vegan. Like if you gave me a kumquat, I'd be like, oh, but if you turned it into a meatball, but give me nine, you know. So so when I get there, there's an app. There's this happy cow app.
And you enter your coordinates and it'll tell you where like the nearest vegan restaurant is. So here in Los Angeles, you enter your coordinates and every place is a vegan restaurant. But on the road, it gets weirder. Like, you know, I heard somebody mentioned Texas before. And they're like, we think there's a potato somewhere down the road. Exactly. If you drive for a while, you might see a loose potato. Some places, though, you'd be surprised. Like I was in, I was prejudging the city. I was in Salt Lake City. And I was like, fucking, you know, because sometimes you'll enter. It's a milk town.
Exactly. You see, we're thinking the same thing. And like, I thought I'd enter like Salt Lake City in the app with just laugh at me or something like that. But I entered a lot of fucking options, including one that was a satanic vegan restaurant. And it was called Mark of the Bistro. Oh, yeah.
Now, I found this fascinating. I was talking about it when I was there on stage and somebody in the audience goes, you got to come to my coffee shop. And I was like, I don't drink coffee. And she goes, it's in a desanctified church. And I was like, you have my attention. And I said, what is that all about? And she goes, it's a satanic coffee shop. I was like, what's in the fucking water out here, man? And
And they explain they're like, it's so much Mormonism, like counterculture swings hard in the other direction and shit. So she's like, will you come? I said, fuck, yeah, I'll come in. And the next morning, because I was doing gigs two nights in a row, I got up and I was like, you know, fucking I can't wait. Like a satanic fucking coffee shop. There's going to be a cocks and vaginas and like come everywhere. I'm like, it's going to be an orgy. This is gonna be so fucking desanctified. Probably pretty dark roast.
The name of the shop promised that. It was called Hallowed Grounds. So when I get there, I can't wait to see fucking Satan. Nothing. Like, it was just a name. All they sold was coffee. That was the gimmick. And I was like, well, I don't even fucking drink coffee. I said, so I'll buy something because I want, you know, I made the trip. I bought a T-shirt for my daughter that said Hallowed Grounds on it. And then I bought a mug for my wife because I thought it was funny. They had a coffee mug. It's their coffee place. Now,
If you've been alive on the planet as long as I have been alive, even if not that long, you have encountered this sentiment on a coffee mug. Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. Sure. It's one of the oldest fucking jokes. I'm sure when somebody said it the first time, somebody was like, oh. Absolutely. Absolutely. Not like, oh, shit, fucking hit me again.
again, but definitely like that's very, very witty, wild, very witty. And then they put it on coffee mugs. Now it's like, you know, when Garfield's like, I hate Mondays, like we fucking get it. You've been saying that for decades and shit. This coffee mug sentiment, everybody fucking knows is lost its punch, but it still gives a smile. People. I saw their coffee mug on one side. It said hallowed grounds on the front side of the mug.
it had in Gothic lettering it said don't talk to me until I've had my abortion so I was like I was like oh my God I'm totally getting that for my wife and I brought it home and she was like that's hysterical I was like isn't it up that was funny man like you could put any word and they chose abortion that's nuts and like that took that old joke and made it fresh and and she was like that's funny I said I should put a picture of me drinking on Instagram
What a fucking terrible idea that was.
Holy shit, dude. My whole fucking world went on fire, man. I put a picture of me drinking from this mug and on the front of it and it said, you know, don't talk to me until I've had my abortion. And, you know, I said, I found this funny mug. It makes me laugh. That was it. I wasn't out there going like, fucking here's how I feel about shit. It was not a political statement. I'm like, look at this fucked up mug. Holy fucking shit, man. The kindest thing I got was somebody going, I can't believe my favorite director from the 90s would make fun of religion.
And I was like, I made dogma like in the 90s. Like, how do you know me otherwise? And shit that was tame. Then it went to shit like that heart attack should have killed you. What are you drinking out of that mug? Dead babies. And I wrote back, I'm vegan. That's interesting. Fucking weirdest one. This is the worst one, because on the mug, it says like abortion right there, loud and clear. And they wrote, your daughter should have been one.
And I wrote back, my daughter should have been a coffee mug? Fuck you. They didn't think that was funny at all. The politics of that joke are kind of confusing. Explain. Well, just that presumably they're mad at you for... Look, I didn't come here to get fucking criticized and shit. I did want your writing advice on the text. That's it. Hey...
And I want you to know something. But suddenly I'm getting a clinic. I'm like, well, let me tell you why your joke failed. Not your joke. I get that shit at home. Their joke. Not your joke. You didn't make the joke about your daughter being an abortion. They made the joke about the daughter being an abortion. Yeah. I don't have a problem with your joke. I have a problem with their joke. Your jokes have been great. I'm nothing if not a consummate host. I felt...
I felt like I was getting fucking preached to. I was like, now you sound like those people on Instagram. But don't you think, here's the thing about, here's the thing about feedback from the internet, which is usually great. To me, like the, you should kill yourself. You should have been an abortion, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't affect me. It's the ones that,
It's the smarter criticisms that get at the part of the criticism that you might believe. Like your father might not have liked you as much as you think. Sure. That's what springs to mind for you, which is really interesting. Because I can't disprove that. Like my mom's alive. I can call her and be like, Ma, you like me as much as I think. She'd be like, oh, tiger. Of course I do. My father's dead 22 years. Who the fuck am I going to call? My mother? Of course she'll lie on his behalf. Right. You'll never get the truth. I gotta go.
What a real existential moment that was. What is the thing someone would say that would cut you to the core? Oh, I can't tell them. If they have it, they'll kill me. It's like Superman doesn't go around explaining kryptonite. That's stupid. The stupidest thing. How'd they ever find that out? Hold on. Hold on.
And you're Superman in the equation? In this analogy, yes. Not because of my strength, because of my weakness. I love that. Oh, my God. That's even better. Yes. To your point, I am invincible unless anyone finds out what my insecurities are, which are impossible to know.
Have they, in time, and all the time you've been doing shows and whatnot, has more and more of yourself gotten out there where people know your weak points? Yeah, I would say it was a quicker process than you'd think. It was pretty much an open book. Yeah, because other people are like, oh, it's weird because people come up on the street and they feel like they know me. And it's like, yeah, I know. I hate that. They think they know me. That's pretty good. They know me. So, Dogma is being re-released. Oh.
What do you think God would think of what's happening with the re-release of dogma? And I think he'd be happy for me. Oh, good. That's good. I got to imagine God. Look, I'm praying to God. God loves dogma. I would hate to fucking get to the great beyond and have him be like, very funny, burning hell. That's what I thought, man. I thought like when I had the heart attack seven years ago, like, you know, it it never occurred to me.
to like pray. And I was raised Catholic and shit. I mean, obviously you've seen dogma fucking, it tells the tale. But while I was at death's door and they told me like, you're, you know, the doctor was like, you're having a widow maker. I was like, what's that? He's like, really? You have to ask? And he's like, 80% of the cases were,
where the patient has what you're having, the patient always dies. You're going to be in like the 20%. So as he went to work, he disappeared into my crotch and made magic. That's how they fix your heart. They go right near your dick. They go in from the bottom. It's amazing. Everyone's like, man, way to a man's heart is stomach. Bullshit. Right next to the balls, apparently. That's the way it is.
So my man was fucking down there trying to save my life and shit. And I was, you know, staring up at the hospital ceiling. I was like, this may be the fucking last ceiling I look up at and stuff. And, you know, my life flashed before my eyes, but not in that dire way. Just where I was like, well, like the man was honest with you about your odds of getting out and shit. And I figure every day you wake up to 50-50 chance you're not going to make it to the end of the day. Right. But those odds, like 20 percent, I'd never heard odds that low.
I mean, the 50-50 is too low. Even that's pretty bad. But like fucking 80-20, I'm like, I am fucked. So I started like thinking about life. It never occurred to me to pray because, you know, I figured I'd be like, oh, Lord, fucking help me. And it'd be like, you made dogma. No. So instead, I just thought about the journey. And I was like, really? Yeah.
unabashedly appreciative. And I used to be like real scared of dying and don't get me wrong. I don't want to die and shit, but like that used to be anathema to me when, when you're creative for a living, like death is their kryptonite, right? Like what I'm going to stop and fuck it. I have all these things to say and the world's going to go on without me. What do you have? Fucking nuts. So,
So after I almost died, suddenly I was like, oh, death ain't like, I get it now. Death is like graduating high school. Like as much as I enjoyed high school, they're like, you got to go. Like there's more out there and shit. And maybe there's not more out there. You know, I used to believe, you know, beyond belief in the faith I was raised in, given to me by my parents, what would happen after all this? And that's what dogma comes from. It's a movie written by a person whose faith is in deep crisis. And I wrote it when I was like,
22 years old and stuff. And so at this stage in the game, like, you know, we took a lot of shit on that movie. We got 400,000 pieces of hate mail and three bona fide death threats, one of which I memorized because it captivated my imagination. It said, you Jews better take that money you stole from us and start investing in flak jackets because we're coming in there with shotguns. This was a movie with a rubber poop monster in it. Right, right.
Yeah. It was weird. I wonder what the Jew that it was intended for. Yeah, because I was like, I'm Catholic. I don't know if you saw the movie. So it was, I've met many people over the years, like who, people of faith who work in the faith business, priests and spiritual counselors, who now are like, oh my God, I fucking love that movie. And I was like, where the fuck were you when they were trying to fucking kill me and shit like that? Like when we went to,
can to show the movie in 99, they had to install metal detectors at the theater and shit. And the weirdest moment of the dogma experience as far as that, as far as the looming death threats and shit, was we went to show the movie at the New York Film Festival.
And I mean, you know, Harley was a baby man. She was like under four months at that point. And we found like these angel wings and we're like, oh, we'll put the angel wings on the kid because dogma and angels and who. And so we get out of the car at Lincoln Center and there's a thousand fucking people lined up protesting, holding a giant statue of Mary.
and praying the rosary at me. And like, I grew up with the rosary, so I could pray it back if I wanted to. I didn't know you could pray it at people, the rosary. They did, literally. Like, Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and shit. I thought it was supposed to go internal. No, I ducked it. I went this way. So as we came out, like with the kid in my arms, with the angel wings and shit like that, people really...
yelling very unchristianship or whatever. You know, they got their beef. So we go inside and Gina Gardini, she was a publicist back in the day at Miramax,
I said, she goes, Kevin, she saw me with the kid. She goes, what are you doing? I said, I'm going to bring the kid up. Like when I intro the movie, I was like, you know, fucking I got this living prop. Like fucking if I walk out and be like, I got a child, maybe they'll like the movie more and shit. I said, so I'm going to go out there. And she goes, Kevin, she's gone. I don't I don't want to I don't know how to say this, but I feel like I would be remiss if
If I didn't say that anybody can buy a ticket to tonight's screening. I was like, I know that's why it's sold out. Fucking rocks and shit. Alice Tully Hall. And she was like, no, no, no, you're not hearing me. Anyone can buy a ticket for the screening tonight, including people that don't want this movie to happen. And I was like, oh, all right. And she goes, well, I feel I need to tell you that because you're about to walk out on stage.
with your baby in your arms. And I was like, don't, why'd you put that in my head? And she was like, it's my job to think about the unthinkable and stuff. And I just, I couldn't, in good conscience, I had to say that what you do next is your decision. And I was like, um, well, you know what? If I don't do it, like if I, if I leave the kid behind, like the fucking terrorists win, whatever. So I definitely went out on stage with the baby, but I'll be honest, I was using it like a human shield the whole fucking time. It's like, welcome to dogma motherfuckers. Um,
But it's nice. Now we're coming back out at a time when...
Maybe it's not like that. Like the movie's age. Well, it's like 25 years old is the 26th year of, uh, since it was released when we hit November and shit. So things have calmed down. People are outraged about other things. Like I remember when that was an outrage in 1999, I would say I would lovely to imagine that people have calmed down. I would say based on that abortion mug, I think things are going to go fine with dog. See more that it's harder to get. I'd say that our outrage has kind of, um,
taken off its uniform and distribute itself amongst the civilian population. You know what I'm saying? It's like everywhere all the time. We'll be right back with Kevin Smith. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up. Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Helix.
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Get burger.
And we're back. Wait, I want to hear one Ben Affleck or Matt Damon story from Making Dogma. Hit us with a story.
From, let me see. It can be from Dogma, it can be from other times. Just give us. I mean, they were, it's not so much a story, but it's true. We were making Dogma in Pittsburgh at the time that Good Will Hunting was up for Oscars and stuff. So the boys, before we even went out to Pittsburgh to shoot,
That year, like Chasing Amy, Joy, Lauren Adams was nominated for Chasing Amy. And Ben and Matt were nominated for Good Will Hunting for screenplay. Robin was nominated for actor and stuff like that. So a bunch of cats went to the Golden Globes, who I was close with. And Ben and Matt won. And they got up there and they thanked a zillion people and then got off.
And like Joey saw Ben cause she was there for chasing Amy and,
And she walked by and flipped him a quarter. She's like, there's somebody you better call. And he called me up and he was like, I'm like, I can't fucking believe I forgot to thank you and Scott. Me and Scott Mosier, my producing partner at the time, got Good Will Hunting made. We were the ones that brought it in. Miramax got it set up. We had co-executive producer credit on it and shit. So he's like, we feel like fucking assholes, dude. The fact that we didn't thank you. Like you, without you, nothing would have happened. Like, I swear to God, if we get nominated for Oscars and shit and we ever win, if I'm ever on a stage again...
I swear to you, we're like, we're going to fucking thank you so much. And I was like, right on, right on. I said, don't worry about it. It's just the Golden Globes, you know? So they got nominated for a fucking Oscar. And I was like, fucking A, you know, because the chances of my name being said on TV are fucking huge and shit. And so we're shooting the,
And we're doing the airport scene with Ben and Matt, like the very first scene they are in the movie and stuff. Betty Aberlin's in it as well. Used to be on Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. And she plays the nun who Matt talks out of faith and stuff. So when we're done shooting the scene, we put the boys, we're shooting at the airport in Pittsburgh. We put the boys on the fucking plane to go back.
to Los Angeles for the Oscars. You know, fucking just finished shooting with him, gave him a big hug, man, like, fucking, you're going to do it. This is fucking amazing. We wish we could go with you, but we were shooting still. The boys took off and left. Spoilers, they won an Oscar. And they were very charming when they did. They got up and did a very fucking exuberant speech where they literally thanked everybody on the fucking planet. Yeah!
Except for me and Scott And me and Scott were watching the Oscars With all of the dogma casting crew In Pittsburgh and shit like that We're like woo this our boys And then in fucking one we're like Holy shit and everybody's fucking going And then everyone's like quiet quiet quiet He's gonna thank Kevin and Scott
And the whole fucking speech happens and then they play them off and they're like, and they're literally going, who are we forgetting? We're forgetting somebody. I was like, they're working a bit. They're about to say our names. And suddenly they were, it was like a commercial and I was like, oh shit. And so me and Scott like excused ourselves and you know, in the room we were like, Hey man, it don't fuck. We didn't do it for that. And shit like that. Like, it's so cool. Like in a moment like that, like fucking, it's totally all right. It seems like, it seems like it was cool with you.
Shit happened 28 years ago We went upstairs and we were just like, you know fucking once fool me once shame on you Fool me twice like chain mum be and shit and the boys came home Like, you know two days later they won their Oscar and shit They got off the plane in Pittsburgh and came to the offices and they had these hang dog expressions and they're like we know
We know. And, you know, so it's, again, wasn't necessary. I was the way I was raised. You don't do something nice hoping for somebody to be like, Oh, you're fucking nice. You do it because it's nice. And that's the reward right there. But,
You know, I'd be lying if I... Let me see. Dogma was 1999. It's now 2025. I've made a few movies, and the boys have been in those movies for years. Even movies that are probably, you know, they're at the height of their careers, and they're fucking doing cameo in a Kevin Smith movie and shit like that. And I think that has everything to do with any time I ask...
And they're like, you know, fuck, I don't want to go to Jersey and choose them. They're like, but we forgot to thank this asshole. And so they fucking come out, but they're sweet. They're very sweet kids. I like that in Pittsburgh, they put French fries in the sandwiches. At Primanti's? Yeah. In the sandwiches.
Is that the only thing you know about Pittsburgh? Is that your go-to Pittsburgh fact? It's the one that's most important to me, because I really do genuinely love those sandwiches. They're good. But I like Pittsburgh a lot. It's a good feeling in Pittsburgh. It's a good vibe. I really like the energy. If you ever go there, there's a great place called Pierogi's, and it's in a desanctified church. I'm real big into desanctified churches. We shot Dogma in a desanctified church. Dogma has that giant, beautiful church in it, but it wasn't like the Catholic church was like, yeah, go ahead. Yeah.
Yeah. We got it from some guy who had bought it from the Catholic church and like a sale. Hey, you know what I noticed when I was looking through your, it was, I didn't realize this, that you do a lot of your own editing, that you are the editor on a lot of your movies. The only time I haven't edited my feature that I've directed was a mall rats. The studio wouldn't let me. So Paul Dixon was our cutter on that movie. I,
I was curious why that's important to you. Because directors, even when they're not the official editor, play obviously a huge role in editing. And I do feel like edit, but to be- They watch the cuts. They watch the cuts and give lots of notes. They get very involved. But you're the editor. You're on the ones and twos. On the wheels of steel. And I'm curious why and why that's important to you. And because I do think sometimes that editing is the kind of least-
one of the least understood and respected or at least publicly kind of thought about aspects of making a movie. And I just wanted to hear about that from you. I'll be honest with you. I get so, so rarely do I get a chance to speak about editing that I'm turgid right now. Pause Matlock. He's on his way home.
Good news. I've got good news or bad news. I'm not sure based on the previous text. I love it. Can't leave it. I love editing because I love writing. Directing is fun because I like being around actors. I love the lie that tells the truth and people who can suspend the window of disbelief. I think that's that to me is just I like being around that. And that's why I think I direct.
I I'm a writer first and foremost, and that's what I thought I would die a writer only or something. And then direct curse worse than death. Die a writer only. But the editing thing was nothing I ever intended, but something you do because you didn't have money to hire an editor. So it's like, all right, me and Scott cut clerks ourselves and stuff. But clerks is a series of very long takes. So there's not much editing involved.
So for me, it's like getting to do another draft of the script. My two favorite parts of the filmmaking process, and hopefully this doesn't
paint me in an antisocial light are writing and editing. So this is the two times I'm alone in a room and the game is on my stick. It rises and falls on me and it has nothing to do with whether somebody else is good at their job. I have to be adept at my job or everything fucking falls apart. And as an editor, you get one more bite as a writer because you can reshape the story. You can reshape, you can make them say things they didn't intend to say and stuff like that. So I like, I like that very much. Um, but yeah,
It's very easy to edit a Kevin Smith movie because I shoot a Kevin Smith movie like one of them kids puzzles you buy at a brainarium or something where it's like 12 pieces. So even a child can put it together. I don't overshoot and like, we'll figure it out in editing. I only shoot like, oh, I got these three lines here. I don't need anything else. I'm just going to jump over here and stuff. Yeah.
You know, I think because of that, I often question if I can really call myself an editor. I know how to edit a Kevin Smith movie. That being said, my friend Logic made a movie this year or just last year. It's coming out this year.
called Paradise Records. And I was an exec producer on it, but I said, look where I could be really useful to you because he's a first time director is editing. Like I'll hang out while you shoot the flick, I'll edit on set and whatnot. And I could tell you if you're missing any shots or blah, blah, blah. So I edited somebody else's movie and granted I was close to the material. It wasn't like somebody just gave me a bunch of footage cold and I had to figure it out.
But I was delighted to see that I could edit something that wasn't mine. After 30 years, I was convinced like most things in life, I've carved myself a lane where I can just do me and not be judged for anything else. I slowly gravitated from being one thing, from making art to trying to be the art myself. If I'm a director, they can judge me against other directors who do the job far better than me.
But if I'm Kevin Smith for a living, there's no other comparison. They can't be like, well, this Kevin Smith's way more Kevin Smith than you and shit. So slowly over time. Like Heinz Ketchup in a sense. Exactly. I don't want to be Katsup. I want to be the OD Ketchup. Because if you're Heinz Ketchup, you don't need to worry about someone making a better ketchup because you are ketchup. You are the thing. You are the archetype. And you live in anticipation. Yeah. That is somebody who saw that commercial in the 70s many times. And you know what that sound means? What?
Now I'm getting the anticipation thing. I'm remembering because it's the bottle and over the edge. Anticipation. Kevin, before we let you go, now originally you're- Oh, what the fuck? Well, it's before we let you go, but then we're going to let you go. But right now you're here. You know what? My bad. They taught me that-
in the fucking booby hatch and I should have remembered that right you see me seize up because I was like what in the future we're not going to be together what the fuck but I should really appreciate the now that's what they told me in the fucking nut house they were like human beings don't live in the present we're physically in the present at all times of course
But most of the time we spend in the past where we judge ourselves and relitigate the mistakes we've made. And that's a complete waste of time because you can't do anything to change it. It's already happened. You can learn from it perhaps, but that's about it. Then the other place we spend all our time is in the future worrying about anxiety, worrying about what may happen, fretting about the fucking thing that gives us terror and keeps us awake at night.
And you can't do anything about that. Nobody knows what the fucking future is, man. And if you're going to write a fictional future where everything goes bad, it's 50/50 shot goes well, so you might as well flip the script, write something fucking positive where, oh my god, everything's coming up Milhouse for me and shit. Still, that's unhealthy. The best place for you to be is in the present. Because in the present, that's where everything happens. The things you worry about in the past, they were the present ones. And the things you're worried about happening in the future,
They're going to be your present once you get there and shit. But you don't know what they're going to be. The things you're imagining probably aren't going to happen. Only one of the futures is going to happen. That's why you meet so many people and they're like, oh, I'm not creative like you. I'm like, fuck you. You're Shakespeare when it comes to predicting your own doom, I guarantee you. You'll be the most creative motherfucker in the world when you can talk yourself out of a good future and shit. Best place to be is the fucking here and now, man, the present. You can't control it, but you have the best possible chance of...
of riding that moment, man, than you do in the past and in the future. And that, if somebody had told me, look, I just saved y'all $40,000 fucking dollars. I just, I'm sorry I didn't meet you until now because there's a YouTube you could have watched that would have given you a lot of that. 100%. Weren't we playing a game or some such shit? And here's how it works.
Now originally your daughter was going to join us. Yeah. But she's not here. But Kennedy is going to be our representative of Gen Z. Producer Kennedy, come on out. Can I tell you? Kennedy, get out of here! Hello, hello. Can I tell you a quick story about Kennedy? How is that possible? I would love to hear it. We just met, right? Yeah. So I was backstage.
Is Bill, Bill's the guy. Bill's the man who I had a breakdown with on the phone the other day where I was like, I don't know anything about politics. You got the wrong guy and shit. So, so I, I come backstage and Bill's giving me the lay of the land. He's like, where's your daughter? And I was like, she don't want to be here. She wants to be in Boston. So he goes, all right, we're going to have Kennedy sit in for your daughter and be the voice of Gen Z. And I was looking at him real perplexed. And I was like,
Kennedy from Fox News? And he was like, no, no, Kennedy works on the show. And I was like, oh, because I know y'all are political and shit. No, no, no, no. I said, but I didn't know you were that political. It's Kennedy from Merino Valley. Nice to meet you. I met the other one once. I think this is actually a good pairing because my dad's name is Kevin. The fuck out of here. Yeah, we don't talk, but that is his name. When you did, did you call him Kevin?
Um, no, I just called him. And you know what that sound means? All right. All right. Here's how it works. Yes. Uh, you're finally the fucking game show. I was promised Kevin and Kennedy. You represent two incredible generations, Gen X and Gen Z. I'm going to give you a topic that was around in the nineties and is even more relevant today. You're going to give us a final verdict on that topic in a segment we're calling Smith busters.
Oh my God, man! I'm in the Kevin Smith business! That never occurred to me! Well, you know what? Stealing it. Take it with you. Thank you. Take it with you. Look at -- oh my God! There's a graphic! There was. Oh, I forgot! It's a visual show. It is. It's on YouTube as well. I should have been sucking in my gut the whole time. First up, huge jeans!
Huge jeans. Huge jeans. Jorts. Jorts. Jeans shorts. This is an iconic photo of you in massive jorts. Yes. Where are we on jorts today? I would be wearing jorts right now were it not for the fact that it dipped to 50 degrees and I was like, ooh, it's chilly in LA. But yes, this photo is something I literally talked about when I was in a group session yesterday.
I'm glad we could bring it up here. A year or two's time. Yep. They saved my life and stuff. But I remember being in a group session going like, I remember at one point they took a photo of me at a gas station. And it was a really unfortunate angle. The kid was with me and shit like that. Years later, after I lost weight, I went back, retook the photo, looking way slimmer and put them side by side. But this photo really haunted me. And it is very...
triggering and traumatizing. Let's get off the screen. Next photo. Next photo.
I mean, you say that, but I literally feel like Billie Eilish could wear that tomorrow. 100%, man. I like George. I don't think I could pull them off myself, but I did go to a club and I did see this girl with him and then she had boots on and I was like, who wears George to a club? But if you're hot enough, you can wear whatever you want. And she was. You don't have to be hot to wear George. You have to be fat as well.
I've been wearing jorts my whole life because I have my mother's thighs, childbearing hips and stuff. But I got killer fucking fire calves so I can show them off in the jorts. Back to you. I love that this is my first experience here. I mean, I think I had calves. I could have calves to pull off jorts, but it's not for me. I'm more like full length. Like, I don't want you to be able to see my ankles that well. They're always covered.
Actually, right now I feel kind of exposed because I'd expect to sit cross-legged in front of a full house. Next up, flannel. I love a flannel. There's no picture. No, it's just flannel. Flannel.
I forgot what it looks like. Show me. Yes or no on flannel. There are photos of me from the 90s wearing flannels. A lot of my characters wore flannels. Randall wore flannel in Clerks. T.S. wore flannel around his waist in Mallrats. Chasing Amy was covered in flannel. All my stuff in the 90s, very flannel. The look of your films in the 90s really was like a...
How old are you? I am 42.
So I remember, yes, I remember it was, well, it's interesting because I remember I saw Dogma when it came out and they were adults and now they're kids. Yeah. And that's a strange thing. Isn't that weird? That's a strange thing. Like in Clerks, Clerks, I remember seeing Clerks. They were cool older kids. Yeah. And now they're kids. They're just children in that movie. Isn't that fucking weird? It's a strange thing to those movies when you go back and look at them. But the looks of those movies was like kind of the Gen X thing.
Look and it's back. How cool that how cool is that? Oh, I got so lucky man Like at one point the culture shifted toward comic books and like I was you know I was button I've been there forever and shit But like in 95 we made mall rats and it was about like Brody Bruce the character that Jason Lee plays was the internet before the internet happened shit like that So I was well positioned. I would have been more well positioned if I actually made a comic book movie, but
For somebody who doesn't have the talent and never had the opportunity, not that he ever wanted it, to make one of those gigantic fucking comic book movies, I love comic book culture. And the fact that those movies became popular and the culture shifted away from my perspective, sports, towards fucking pop culture and comic book culture.
Like, I got another 10 years of free ride, even though I haven't made a comic book movie, because in Mallrats, my characters were very well-versed. Chasing Amy takes place with comic book professionals and shit, so...
At a certain point, when the culture shifted, they were like, oh, you know about this shit. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm happy to talk about Kong. You were involved in the almost Nicolas Cage Superman movie. I wrote the Superman. Superman Lives. Superman Lives with Nicolas Cage. We even got him in a costume. There's photos of him in the getup. And then they did that Flash movie last year. There was a little mini sequence with him fighting a giant spider and shit. I was like, oh, my God, it happened.
When Superman didn't work out, is that when he did Ghost Rider instead? Oh, no. It was years after. He was talking about doing... We were making Dogma when Tim Burton was going to direct the Superman Lives movie. And my script they had gotten rid of and they had a whole new script and stuff. But we were shooting in Pittsburgh and they were also going to be shooting in Pittsburgh because...
Because there was a building we wanted to use, but they're like, that's going to be LexCorp. They've already called that. And then one day, Chris Rock came in on Dogma on set, and he goes, guess who's playing Jimmy Olsen? And I was like, get the fuck out of here. He was hired to play Jimmy Olsen. I didn't know that. Yeah. And then the whole movie got, they pulled the plug on it. Like, shortly after Dogma wrapped, it was, I guess they felt like the budget was out of control, and they didn't have a script that they were 100% on. And so the whole thing went away.
And they're pretty unhappy that in your version, Superman worked at a record store. They were like, and your Superman script, he talks about Star Wars a lot. Next up, we have sequels. Sequels are back. We're seeing lots of sequels. Where's your head at on sequels? I'm about to make a Jay and Silent Bob sequel this year. Hell yeah. Still fucking, still gassing that tank. Blows my mind.
I mean, honestly, from the guy who made those characters, they're a Cheech and Chong ripoff. But fucking 30 years out of this shit. If I get to here, man, I'll be honest, we recently had fires here in Los Angeles. I'm sure, I don't know if anybody's aware of this. We kept it out of the news. We had to relocate at one point. Runyon Canyon went on fire. They evacuated us. And in that moment, or a few moments before they officially evacuated us, naturally,
as fires are breaking out, we're like, we should put some stuff together and just the bare things we need and whatnot, bringing the dogs, of course, but like grabbing a few things. And, you know, I'm a real pack rat and a hoarder of sorts. So I have like fucking memorabilia from like my entire life, my childhood, all the movies I've made. And I was like, what do I grab and shit? And I didn't grab any of that. Two things that I was baffled.
like when I left, I grabbed one. I grabbed my father's ashes, which I was like, what's the fucking point? If the house burns down, it's the one thing that can't be broke. Can't be ruined by fire. Exactly. You just scoop them back up. It was fireproof. And I was like, I have to fucking take this. But the other thing I've brought was my silent Bob costume. Cause I was like, I have to work. That's beautiful. Kennedy, what would you save in a fire? I packed, um, two pairs of hoop earrings. Um,
Wait, wait, wait. The brilliance of that is two pair. Two pairs because they are slightly different sizes. It's a marginal difference, but it really changes the outfit depending on how high the neck I'm wearing that day. So two pairs of hoop earrings. What a fucking story that tells. It's amazing. I know so much about you without knowing anything now. I feel like we're going to be very close by the end of this. No doubt. It's already you and me against this fucking guy. In my mind...
I wanted to get all of the money I had because, oh, what if this all burns down and I still have the $20 Cerubis Diner in my dresser? I'm going to miss that. So I grabbed all the gift cards that I have. I grabbed a lot of panties. I just wasn't thinking. Yeah. Two sizes of earrings, no panties. And the gift cards. And the gift cards. And the gift cards. Yeah. Yeah. That Mel's Diner doesn't burn down. I'm going to get a BLT.
I was in crisis, right? We all were. We all were. Priorities. Kevin Smith, you won the game. Yeah! Okay. All right. I didn't do well enough. Everybody, give it up for Kevin Smith. Thank you. This was so fun. Really good to see you. This was very fun. Give it up for producer Kennedy. Thank you. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
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Crooked.com slash events. All right. We want to close out the show and bring down the lights for an intimate conversation between you and me about the one thing weighing heaviest on the nation's mind, the movie Amelia Perez. That's right. I finally saw French director Jacques Audiard's inexplicable musical about a Mexican drug lord who undergoes gender confirmation surgery. The film garnered 13 Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, and currently sits at 21% on Rotten Tomatoes.
fascinating fascinating so I'm gonna open the floor to any questions you have about anything but especially Amelia Perez in a segment we're calling a million little things nice does it does anyone have any questions about the film Amelia Perez this is an out-of-control show tonight
What is this segment? Yes, do you have any questions? What's your question, sir? I just want to know if it's changed your opinion of Ron Perlman at all. It being his favorite movie. Of the year. Of the year. Not of all time. Of the year. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what it's done for me. All right? Are you ready? Buckle up. Are you buckled in? Is everybody buckled? It only heightened my respect for Ron Perlman. Why? Do I think Amelia Perez is a perfect film? It is not. And if anyone tells you Amelia Perez is a perfect film, you tell them, shut up.
But it's good. Yeah, are you with me? Are you with me? A plot if you think Amelia Perez is good. Yeah, that's about right. I will say this. We live in a fucking commoditized world.
algorithmic, tested, data-driven, conformist, capitalist society. And the fact that a group of French maniacs could make a film about Mexico, a place it seems they may never have been, and decide the story they want to tell is about a drug lord who goes through gender-affirming care
And it is a musical. If you don't want to live in a world where that happens, fine. I do. And a lot of people are like, well, you know, it's a Spanish actor in the lead and it's the French and it's culturally appropriate. People in Mexico are debating whether or not this movie makes a caricature. This is a French movie. These are French people making a movie. It's going to be fundamentally silly.
The French are a group of people who are, at core, deeply silly, pretending to be serious. The British are serious people, pretending to be silly. The Germans are serious people, and they're straightforward about that. But that is why the French do not have comedy, because they on some level know that if the French ever start to laugh, they will not stop, and then they will die. LAUGHTER
And so, yes, this is a ridiculous, silly, fantastical, dumb movie. Did you think the movie about the drug lord who sings about having gender-affirming care was going to be like a deeply grounded slice of life? So no, my respect for Ron Perlman has only grown. Thank you for your question. What else you got? Never seen. Never seen the movie. Never heard of the pod. Never heard of the pod?
Let's get in there. Hello. Hello. Where are you from? I'm from London, but I live here. Do you agree with my... Yes. About Europe. About Europe. Yeah. Nailed it. Yeah. That's right. That's right.
Like if you, if I heard that like British people made a film about a Mexican drug Lord who's transitioning and it was a musical, I'd say disgusting. Yes. That should never see the light of day. But you tell me the French are doing it. It's like, let them have at it. It's a ridiculous society. It's a cheese based culture. Did you see Amelia Perez? No, I, I made a noise. My question was going to be like,
Sounds kind of good. Yeah. Listen, I watched an hour and 15 minutes of it last night with my partner, and they were like, "I can't watch any more of this." They are trans. And I said, "Do you have to stop watching this because you're trans?" And they're like, "No, I just don't like this."
Is it all upsetting because of trans? No. Not upsetting because of trans. But I still felt guilty about making them watch this whole fucking movie. So I had to watch the rest over the course of today in 10 and 15 minute increments as the director surely intended.
What else? I saw an interview with James Cameron where he said that not only had... He said no film like this has ever been written or filmed. The cinematography is singular, as is the writing. And that's what made it one of his best films of all time. And I just wanted to get your take on that. So...
Incorrect, James Cameron. I will say, it is a really interesting-- people are making fun of the way it goes into song, that it feels haphazard and strange. And it is. Everybody pulls out that one line where it is, "very nice to meet you. I'm here to talk about sex change operation." And that is terrible.
It's inexcusable. It's simply inexcusable. The rest of it feels like camp. I actually think sometimes people don't like things because the movie doesn't ever say, don't worry, we know this is a joke. People now need to have the subtext be text. Because the movie never declares that it's campy or never declares that it's in any way in on the joke,
It can't possibly be smart enough. As the viewer, we're all trained to be narcissists by the internet, and so the only way to experience it is to assume you're the only one that is smart enough to know when something is camp, if not told. So you assume that you've cracked something they didn't intend. That's what happens. And then you end up, that's why you end up seeing things where you'll see a movie that's about climate change, and then at some point, like the actor, like two-thirds of the way through the movie will be like, this is about climate change. You know? Yeah.
Do I think that it is singular? That's such a classic James Cameron thing, right? Like he can't just compliment it. He has to have the best compliment. Freak. If you were to rewrite it and make it better, what would you do? Oh, wow. What a question. Uh,
So, hmm. I would say this. It is exactly what it seems to have intended itself to be. I don't think it can be changed and be made better. It can only be made less Amelia Perez. I
on some level. And you know, I also will say this, Zoe Zaldana fucking crushes it in this movie. She's excellent in this movie. I thought Selena Gomez was awesome in it. And I'm always watching, what's the, with the murders in the building, and I'm always like, do something. And then in this movie, she does. You know? Because sometimes you're watching only murders in the building, and it's like, you got Martin Short doing backflips, you got Stephen Martin doing pirouettes, and then she's just there, and it's like, do something. Do something.
And here she's doing so much and she's great. Everyone's great in it. The lead is great in it. And everyone's like, oh, they cast a Spanish trans actor to play the Mexican drug lord in the film. And it's like, I guess. I don't know. I mean...
And then the trans actor who is like, everyone's kind of like getting ready. We're going to give an Academy Award to a trans actress. It's awesome. I think that's a very good thing. And then it's like, oh my God, the anti-Muslim tweets. We got anti-Muslim tweets. And then apparently she's deleting the anti-Muslim tweets as the anti-Muslim tweets are finding their way into various articles on the internet. She can't delete the anti-Muslim tweets fast enough. And it's like, what are you supposed to do with that, liberals? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I wouldn't change a frame of it. And that's our show. Thank you so much to Kevin Smith. Thanks to Kennedy for coming out. Thank you to everybody here at Dynasty Typewriter. There are 639 days until the midterms. Have a great night. Have a great weekend, everybody.
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