Thieving on a Jet Plane
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What's up, everybody? Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live from Flappers Comedy Club. Jay Leno wanted to be here tonight, but it says here he got hit by a bear. What that means. You guys have some bad luck lately. We've got a great show for you tonight. Sarah Silverman is here to help us make some grave decisions. Lamorne Morris and Esther Provitsky are here. What?

to do some people watching, then we'll wrap it up by turning it over to you, our dear audience, to hear your teeniest, weeniest problems. So start thinking, what is your smallest problem? I don't know about big problems. I've got enough big problems. Tiny, tiny little problems. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Breaking news, James Comey has entered his Luigi era.

White House officials have accused former FBI head James Comey of calling for Trump's assassination after he posted a now-deleted photo of the numbers 8647 spelled out in seashells with the... This is real. With the caption, cool shell formation on my beach walk. Yes. Yes. All right, no, no. No, no.

For when you saw one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I was leaning out of the window of the book repository. Said a White House spokesperson on X, while President Trump is currently on an international trip to the Middle East, the former FBI director puts out what can clearly be interpreted as a hit.

On the sitting president of the United States, a message etched in the sand. This is a deeply concerning message to all of us and is being taken seriously. Just James Comey casually calling for my dad to be murdered, said Don Jr. Kristi Noem, head of Homeland Security, called it a threat of assassination. And with that, my work here is done, said Hillary Clinton. Shaking sand out of her kitten heels. Yeah.

But, she got him. But lest you think Comey has gone full Antifa, he deleted the post and apologized, claiming he didn't realize the number 86 was associated with violence, said the former FBI director. In MS- In MS-13, we just use it as a friendly greeting.

Speaking of friendly greetings, on Sunday, ABC News reported that the Trump administration was preparing to accept a $400 million luxury Boeing 747 from the royal family of Qatar, all because Trump came closer than Emmanuel Macron in guessing the retail value without going over. You got to give him credit. It's a good bribe. You give me a free private airplane, you can own me, no problem. I don't have to go to LAX anymore. Please, tell me my new opinions.

And now the Emiratis are like, Qatar got on the plane? What's left on the registry? Golf clubs? Dish towels? Fuck, we're fucked. Under the arrangement, Trump would use the plane as Air Force One, but at the end of his time in office, it would be transferred to Trump's presidential library. Oh, thanks, said the librarian. A plane.

Complicating all of this is that Boeing is currently upgrading two VC-25B planes to each serve as Air Force One, but blew past their initial delivery deadline of 2022. The planes are now expected to enter service by 2027. Boeing got caught up pursuing its other passion project, making sure their other planes stopped falling out of the sky. If you love what you do, you won't work a day in your life.

A spokesperson for Boeing explained, "We'd have delivered these a lot sooner, but you know what they say, the customer's always right, so now we need to figure out how to get the doors to stay on." He keeps sending back the planes. Republicans hemmed and hawed about how to react to Trump's big shiny new gift, but not Senator John Kennedy. I trust Qatar like I trust a rest stop bathroom. Honestly, this is why we can't have nice things. The rest stop bathroom isn't asking for our trust, Senator. It asks nothing of us.

But piss. Kennedy went on to say this. With those guys, you know, trust in God, but tie up your camel.

Got him. Got him. Rand Paul agreed, telling Fox News' Jesse Waters. See, I've spent time trying not to sell weapons to Qatar because they have human rights violations of their people. I really haven't been a big fan, and I wonder if our ability to judge their human rights record would be clouded by the fact of this large gift. Oh, Rand Paul, don't worry about that. Trump will ignore human rights abuses for free.

You don't have to pay him for that. Senator Rick Scott also gave it a thumbs down, telling reporters, I'm not flying on a Qatari plane. They support Hamas. I don't know how you make it safe. Yeah, well, Rick, doesn't sound like you're going to be invited on the plane. So you're a little bit like Sonia saying she'll be in Phuket for Luann's wedding. I watch Housewives now, and it's becoming my whole personality. LAUGHTER

But Sonya did get to save the date. All right. So it's a little bit more complicated, a little bit nuanced. Over on CNN, Scott Jennings pointed to the real villains.

And I think there's a reason that numerous Republicans have encouraged him not to go through with it today because they know the optics of it, given his previous statements about Qatar and given what we know about their funding of terrorism. That's all absolutely true. At the same time, I actually think there's a larger scandal going on here, which is that Boeing cannot deliver an Air Force One. Yeah, man, totally. It's about the optics, the corrupt optics, like complaining about arson because it's so bright.

tweeted Trump's former rival, Nikki Haley, accepting gifts from foreign nations is never a good practice, especially when that nation supports a terrorist organization. Regardless of how beautiful the plane may be, it opens a door and implies the president and U.S. can be bought. If this were Biden, we would be furious. Okay, but what if the plane were very, very beautiful? It's just a reminder to the podcast audience at home, which is vast. Check out our YouTube.

Give us a like. Give us a subscribe. It really helps out the show. You could appreciate this incredible joke. And you're right. Accepting bribes does imply that you'd accept bribes. He accepts bribes. The implication is that he can be bought because he has been bought. Let's see that beautiful plane again. For those listening at home, it's basically hard to describe, but it's a...

It's a very sexy plane. It's a highly sexualized plane with boobs. I'm sorry, but you're not on the YouTube, but it's the face is the nose of the plane and the wings are kind of like wings on an angel on a kind of a boobed plane woman for the Navy. Oh, it's a blue angel. Oh, like the Navy blue angels. I'm an idiot. Thank you so much. House Speaker Mike Johnson offered this defense of Trump.

The reason that many people refer to the Bidens as the Biden crime family is because they were doing all this stuff behind curtains. Whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. They're not trying to conceal anything. Yeah, really smart point, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. Crime is legal as long as you do it out in the open for all the world to see. Like drugs in San Francisco or 9-11. Stupidest fucking point I've ever heard.

Trump defended his Sky Palace in a Truth Social post, writing, "So the fact that the Defense Department is getting a gift free of charge of a 747 aircraft to replace the 40-year-old Air Force One so bothers the crooked Democrats that they insist we pay top dollar for the plane. The Dems are world-class losers." No one is denying that the Democrats are world-class losers.

But the plane is also a bribe. Two things can be true at the same time. Trump continued to defend the offer to reporters on Monday. So I think it's a great gesture from Qatar. I appreciate it very much. I would never be one to turn down that kind of an offer. I mean, I could be a stupid person and say, no, we don't want a free, very expensive airplane. But I thought it was a great gesture.

Also, check out this badass giant wooden horse they gave me. But here's the stupidest part of this whole saga. To secure and upgrade this plane would cost the U.S. over a billion dollars, and the retrofit would take years, and that's just to take out all of the Qatari toilet cams and then put in our patriotic all-American toilet cams.

We didn't know if that joke would play at Flappers, and I'm proud of you. Let's see that sexy plane again. All right.

Announce the development. This has to be a third person we don't know about.

And now it's the development of a Trump Tower in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, and two other Trump-branded properties in the capital city of Riyadh. The difference between a Trump Tower and a Trump-branded property is important. Only an authentic Trump Tower comes with a Rudy Giuliani in the belfry. LAUGHTER

The Trump Organization has also announced a new Trump Golf Club at Qatar and an 80-story Trump Hotel. And in Dubai, last month, the UAE Fund invested $2 billion in World Liberty Financial. That's the Trump family crypto brand. And that's just a few of the brazen, corrupt business deals that Trump and his dipshit sons are pursuing. It isn't even close to all of it. If we tried to go through all of it, that would be the whole show. And what am I supposed to say to the rest of the performers we booked? Sorry, small family of golden retrievers who can juggle. You've been bumped for the horrors. LAUGHTER

and we have so much else to talk about. Like the fact that Saudi Arabia deployed a mobile McDonald's for our big special voice visit. It's awesome. If Saudi Arabia ever wants to take me out Khashoggi style, this is how they'll get me. Anyway, it's no wonder Trump couldn't help but fawn over Saudi Arabia's ruler, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, or MBS, at Tuesday's Saudi Arabia U.S. Investment Forum.

One of our great, great partners, no matter who we look to, and we have great partners in the world, but we have none stronger and no nobody like the gentleman that's right before me. He's your greatest representative, greatest representative. And if I didn't like him, I'd get out of here so fast. You know that, don't you? He knows me well. I do. I like him a lot.

I like them too much. That's why we give so much, you know? Too much. I like you too much. Be careful, Don. They got laws about that kind of thing over there.

There was a time when unabashedly praising the leader of an authoritarian Middle East regime was frowned upon. In fact, I'm old enough to remember what happened when Barack Obama greeted this guy's uncle with what they described as a bow. While President Obama didn't kiss the guy, he did seem to bow. Look at that. But the White House says, no, no, no, no. He wasn't bowing. He was just double handshaking to a smaller guy. You saw it. You make the call.

There were editorials. This was in the Washington Times. By bending over to show greater respect to Islam, the U.S. president belittled the power and independence of the United States. Republicans went nuts. Trump mocked him. And all Obama did was bow. Trump got down on his knees and let this guy tickle his uvula. They said Obama went on an apology tour. And it's true. Trump isn't saying sorry, but that's just because his mouth is full. LAUGHTER

Flappers. All right. Back at home, Trump cruelly revoked the temporary protected status afforded to Afghan refugees. These are the people who risked their lives to help American troops during the war and who might face brutal retribution by the Taliban if they're sent back to Afghanistan. Said one Afghan American...

who had served as an interpreter with U.S. Special Forces, it's a death penalty for them if they return. Here's Deputy Secretary of State Chris Landau explaining why the White House has shut down refugee programs and is threatening to deport Afghan allies while welcoming refugees from South Africa.

There are many people who are, who fit the criteria of seeking help, who are fleeing persecution. Afghans, for example, I mean, they live in a country run by the Taliban, but they're being denied refugee status. So I'm wondering why is such an exception been made for the Afrikaans? The cause, of course, was subject from the very beginning to exceptions where it was determined that this would be in the interest of the United States.

Some of the criteria are making sure that refugees did not pose any challenge to our national security and that they could be assimilated easily into our country. We actually have footage of the Trump administration determining whether a refugee is eligible to resettle in the U.S. Is it white? Is it white? Is it white?

I haven't seen the Elvis movie. Maybe I will. Speaking of white people, on Mother's Day, health secretary R.F.K. Jr. posted photos of himself and his grandchildren swimming in D.C.'s Rock Creek, where swimming is not allowed because the creek is full of sewage. This is actually important because while there are many theories, no one has ever actually seen the place where Kennedy's spawn. I'm sorry, I think I'm actually thinking of eels. Yes.

That's about eels. Polluted runoff flows into the creek when it rains and the water is heavily contaminated with E. coli and other bacteria. This in addition to the big disgusting RFK Jr. it has floating in it. The water is so bad, it's actually known in D.C. restaurants as filter tap.

While Trump was gallivanting in the Gulf and RFK Jr. was splashing around in human shit, House Republicans unveiled their $4.5 trillion tax break and Medicaid cunt bill that would lead to 10 million people losing their health insurance. The bill would create work requirements for Medicaid recipients, even though the vast majority of Medicaid recipients already work, have a disability, are very sick, are in school, or are taking care of a family member.

People on Medicaid would also have to approve their eligibility every six months instead of once a year. The bill would also create higher out-of-pocket costs for most Medicaid recipients, including those who are barely above the federal poverty line. Quick, what do you think the federal poverty line is for a single individual?

It's $15,650. You make $16,000, pay up your fucking bank cap. The bill would also shorten the open enrollment period for the Affordable Care Act, all because coming out and saying that we're throwing people off of their health care is politically toxic, so they're going to use paperwork to do it anyway. The Trump administration's position is very simple. All bureaucratic red tape should be ripped out of the federal government and wrapped around poor people mummy style.

We're in the dark phase of this. I'll get back. I see what you want. You want jokes about his stupid fucking plane. As of this recording, the bill is in limbo because Republicans have no margin for error given their slim majority. Some Republicans think it goes too far to cut health care. Others don't think it goes far enough. And Nancy Mace just saw a woman with a strong jaw finish a big gulp. So now she has to spend her afternoon in the vents above the ladies' room. So she's out.

And speaking of crawling around in the vents of the Capitol, we are heading back to D.C. This week, a hot new bombshell enters the vent. Stop it. That doesn't make any sense. We're doing a special World Pride show on Friday, June 6th, back at our home at the Lincoln Theater. And this time, it's a special crossover event with Tim Miller and Sarah Longwell from The Bulwark. It's Jetsons Flintstones, but everybody's gay-er than George Jetson.

The event is called Free Andre, a crooked, bulwark, world pride fundraiser. It'll be a night of venting, laughing, commiserating, venting, and most importantly, raising money for the Immigrant Defenders Law Center, which is representing makeup artist and actor Andre Hernandez Romero and others who were disappeared to El Salvador without so much as a hearing. Because this pride is about fighting for the day when we can stop flirting with autocracy and go back to just flirting.

It's a serious cause, but it's going to be a fun show with special guests you won't want to miss. Tickets are going to go fast, so please don't wait or the bulwark freaks will scoop them up. We're donating... I love my bulwark freaks. We're donating all ticket proceeds to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center, so get your tickets now at crooked.com slash events. That'll be Friday, June 6th at the Lincoln Theater.

We'll have more to say about what we'll be doing around the show to keep the focus on freeing Andrew and keeping the pressure on the administration, so stay tuned. But for now, get those tickets. In other news, a study found... This is no transition. Just deal with it. In other news, a study found that wild chimpanzees use medicinal...

medicinal plants to tend to their own and each other's wounds. Oh, but when I chew up a bunch of leaves and apply them to my wounds, I'm disturbing the other diners at this pop-up Saudi McDonald's. About to get kicked off Medicaid? Try chip medicine. If you're able to get to Western Central Africa and aren't too sick to climb trees, it's free. Chip medicine.

Speaking of acting like a bunch of aides, the Warner Brothers Discovery announced that it will rename their streaming platform yet again, changing it back from Max to HBO Max. They realized that naming it after half of Cinemax was not as good as naming it after HBO. They cracked it. So I'm sorry to tell all of you this, but HBO Max is detransitioning. It's...

Detransitioning is real. HBO Max is detransitioning. Topps announced that their Pope Leo XIV trading card outsold cards for LeBron James and Victor Wembynjama, though Otani is still their top seller, which isn't surprising, even though Pope cards generally have low HP. Their attack and abilities are insane. LAUGHTER

Gotta get a pope in your deck. Morris, the alligator, who appeared in Happy Gilmore, among other films and TV projects, has died at a gator farm in Colorado. He was at least 80 years old, but he died doing what he loved, fentanyl. Said the gator farm's tearful owner, he started acting strange about a week ago. He wasn't lunging at us and wasn't taking food. Continued the owner, wiping away tears. Ah, shit, not supposed to get these new alligator boots wet. LAUGHTER

And finally, British historians have verified a copy of the Magna Carta that Harvard Law School bought decades ago for $27 is actually an original from the year 1300. And now, in 2025, it's worth rereading. Let's see that played one more time. All right. Coming up next, Sarah Silverman. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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We're back. Please welcome to the stage, you know your lover, it's the incredible Sarah Silverman. Hi. Hello. Hi. How's your 2025 so far? What a year. So fun. Just really easy and the news has been great. Yeah. Are you good at compartmentalizing or not compartmentalizing? Where are you at? Does it creep in at random moments or are you able to put it aside?

I'm pretty good at it. I'm very good at compartmentalizing, actually. That's how I got through childhood. Probably you, too. But, um... You were like, hmm. Yeah. Um, I've been trying to figure out how to handle this world. Mm-hmm. And, um, I think...

Well, everything's gone to shit. It really feels like, I don't know, like the late 70s Iran, maybe. People are like, this can't happen here. Yeah, no, it can. It's very, it absolutely can. And...

Am I just talking in fractions of sentences? No, it's good. I'm more thinking about like, it's also, there's vaguely a lot of like warm neutrals are coming back too. So the 70s thing makes sense. Oh, yeah, that's true. Color watches thing fashion wise. It's a lot, you know, it's like we're leaving behind the grays and the beiges and writing more of a- I'm loving the flair. Right, things are coming back. The jeans are getting wider. The music's getting louder. Things are happening. Beards are back. Wild beards are back.

Which I do think is a sign of the apocalypse. Do you? Yeah. If you have a president with a beard, you're at war. I don't know because you know who has a beard right now and I'd love him to be president? You're talking about Tom Segura. No. Pete Buttigieg. Pete's beard. There needs to be a new Instagram account called Pete's Beard or something.

It's not Chastin. That would be... That would not make sense at all. Doesn't make sense at all, because they're both men. Yeah. They're both men. Yeah. Well, that's the secret is he's straight. He loves pussy, but he's trying to keep that from America. That's his dirty secret. Insidious. That's Pete's dirty secret. Loves it. Loves pussy. Yeah, can't get enough. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Of pussy. Of pussy. It's fun, right? Yeah.

It's fun. Took me a while to work up to say it. Say it. Jess, will you say this right now? Say it. Yell it out. So Bernie Sanders is on the move again. It's a little bit hot. There's a new Avengers movie. So it's almost like 2019 again. As a generally optimistic person, are you inspired by the Bernie? Where's your head at? I find it to be a small bright light in a hellscape. You know, yeah, it's amazing. And their crowds are huge.

They got the biggest crowds. No, yeah. It's inspiring and exciting. Yeah, it's a good. I find it to be good.

And your parents died nine days apart. Yes, thank you for bringing it up. It was actually a murder-suicide. Wow. I'm always starting those, but I can never finish them. I think it's an ADHD thing. I start the murder-suicide, and then I forget what I'm doing. I've literally never finished one. I start them all the time. So you're just a serial killer. Whatever. I mean...

You can put a label on it. I'm not into labels. Right. It's true. That's why, because people are trying to add serial killer to the pride flag, and I'm like... Yeah. I mean, I guess it's queer in a sense, but I don't think it's right, so I don't use that label. Right. Okay. You're a murder-suicidist, but you only go halfway. Right.

Because of my problem focusing. Yeah. That's why I'm trying to get Adderall, but it's hard to get. Right. You're like, no, no, no, I'm trying to kill myself and I need the oomph to... Yeah. I keep just... Yeah, because I'm so distracted by TikTok. My attention span is nowhere. Oh, but sorry, I interrupted. It was your parents' murder-suicide. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, they didn't murder suicide, unfortunately. But, no, my stepmother was very ill, and she died, and my dad died nine days after just, like, wanting to be with her. And I know. And this means you're killing, and you get a lot of, oh. Oh.

This is what my special's about. Yeah, I didn't bring it up for no reason. You didn't bring it up for no reason. I have a special coming out Tuesday, but, you know, we don't have to be here for this. Thank you. It's called Postmortem. It's on Netflix, but honestly, I've been shoving it down people's throats all week, and I'm exhausted of myself. I'm sick of myself. I want to hear John Lovett talk about... Do you think my parents will die? What is your show about? What? How are you planning on your parents dying? Oh, that's...

That's such a, thank you for asking. I'll just tell you that I have said to my father, joking, and this is a joke, if mom dies first, you better kill yourself. She will. She will. This is what I told my dad. He was being so, such a pain in the ass like a few years ago, and I go, you just assume you're gonna die first, but Genesis, because you're killing her!

And then she did. How funny is that? But right, right. Just very close together, though. Yeah, nine days. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. That's tough. You know, it's interesting because my mother exercises and diets and she does, you know, Zumba. She is measuring cottage cheese all the time. My mother has been measuring out...

There's a certain kind of woman who was exposed to a certain kind of diet culture in the, like, 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond that has been measuring cottage cheese for 50 fucking years. And I'm just like, the cottage cheese, no matter what's going on, never going to be your problem. There is a scale industry that specializes in Coke dealers and Jewish mothers. Yeah.

Did your mother measure out things on her scale? My stepmother was very conscious of her, you know, like exercise and food. My biological mother couldn't give two shits. Oh. Come on, let's get some energy in the room. Who's excited about love? Are you going to love it or are you going to hate it? Come on. I'm...

And we're back down. I like this energy. I think it's important as a host to always bring things down to zero. Well, you got to bring it down because that's how you prove you have it. Because you can get them back. Right. Bring them down to fucking zero. Are you afraid to die? See? I get them back. I don't want to die. I don't want to, to quote my dad, I don't want it to hurt. But I'm not really afraid to die, but I don't want to drown. I don't want to...

die in some climate disaster. I don't want to... I don't want it to hurt. Okay. Yeah.

I don't want to die at all. Yeah. You won't, doll. I probably won't. You think I won't? I want to be like, you know that guy that's trying to live forever but also seems to be fighting with various exes? That's what I want. I want a kind of crazy live forever energy. I want to be like, no, I have a secret plan to live forever and it does involve eating one hour a day, sleeping in a dark room, taking all kinds of supplements, traveling with an air filter. I want to live forever in the worst way possible. I want my life to be an endless misery.

I feel like that's achievable for you. Yeah, because being in here, I feel like for most people, being inside of my head for a day would feel like an interminable nightmare experience that they'd want to end. And I think the worse life feels, the longer it feels. So in a sense, I've already lived forever. Because happy people, you're dead.

You know, it's like, it's bar mitzvah, wedding, graduation, grandkids dead. But if you're unhappy, you're like, can't wait. Watching any TV shows? Yes. I'm very passionate about running towards joy in these times, and television is my joy. What are you watching? All depressing things, though. The Pit. Paradise. Paradise?

Fucked up. So fucked up. I don't think the pit should have two Ts. Well, it's for... This bothers me visually. Can I ask you this? Does Pittsburgh have two Ts? Yeah. That's why. It's short for Pittsburgh. They put french fries in the sandwiches there. Ugh. So good.

What's it called? Primanti's. Oh, yes. They're really good. I'll go there in the morning. They're open in the morning. Because you can go in the morning. Some people don't know that, but you can go in the morning. And you can have a sandwich with french fries in the morning. And then that's it. And then you've eaten that in the morning. So you can have another lunch later if you want. If you want. If you really want. If you want.

I want to hold you right now and tell you it's all okay. Here's the crazy thing. Jokes aside. Jokes aside. I am not joking. I've like never been happier. Really. Actually true.

But here's the thing. So I don't know, like, I feel like because I've spent so many years being depressed and in various ebbs and flows, ups and downs, but always below the, I think, a good baseline. So it's the kind of thing where it's like I was always underwater. And so when it was sunny, but I was underwater, I was like, oh, I'm outside. I wasn't. I was drowning the whole time. I just sometimes I couldn't see all the way to the surface because I was with the animals with the little light at the end.

You know what I mean? And seeing the shipwrecks. But sometimes I was like, look at that. There's sun up there. I've made it. I was not out of the water. I was under the water. And now I'm above the water and fascism is happening. So it's a really weird experience because the news is bad.

And it feels bad. But, I mean, I feel secure in the life around it. But then I think, but there's probably a bunch of Jews that felt that way in 1934. Absolutely. Business is booming. I got a feeling gold. Gold. We've really made it. This department store will be here forever. That's right. And you know what that sound means? What? The audience going, oh.

Like most people here at Flappers tonight, I'm afraid to die. But I'm not afraid to save, which is why we want to end with a few exciting funeral opportunities currently available for the forward-thinking individual. And you'll tell us if it's worth the price. I will? Yeah. Okay. Just to note, my staff used my actual personal information to get these estimates. These are real estimates for what it would cost to bury me. First up, human composting.

Worth it. You have to tell me the price, sorry. I would absolutely do that with my remains. $5,450.

Pretty good. It is? Yeah, it is. I'll tell you. Dying is expensive. My parents made no death plan and were like just finishing everything now. Like it was a lot. No plan? No plan, no plots, no nothing. The only... This guy's really upset about it. That's it? Is he coming back? He'll come back. It's no big deal. He has diarrhea. Don't make a big deal about it. Cryogenic freezing. All right.

That's, you know, all right. I think it's fun. I want to do it. It'll be $1,158 per year or 1,036 euros. I think this is European-based. So I don't know what the tariff situation is. I don't know what the reciprocal is on getting my body over there. It's like, do I have to send a tenth of another person? You know what I'm saying?

I don't believe it. Like, I don't believe it. I don't... Sorry, I was tying in there. That's good. Leave it. I, um...

I don't think they're really going to wake you up when there's a way to live forever. Right, because they stop getting the monthly payments. The interests are not aligned. Right. I should have to pay them a huge bonus if they wake me up. I would do that. I want to make sure of the incentives. I want somebody to be fucking fighting every day to cure whatever kills me so that they make a lot of money when I wake back up. Because even if it's a thousand years from now, put a couple bucks into an ETF...

Compound interest, baby. They got millions coming their way. They bring me back to life from my death of cement block to bed. Why is it that miserable fucks always want to live forever? I don't know. Because I think they're afraid all the time. Yeah. Oh, wow. That was a very thoughtful, beautiful answer and deeply personal, I'm guessing. I want you on my lap. It's happening. Dear diary, you won't believe what happened tonight at Flappers.

Next up, shooting someone into space. Salatus Memorial Space Flights offers several reasonable options for those who want their cremains hurled across the stars. Earthrise, you can launch to space and return to Earth. That's just throwing something up in the air. But it's $3,495. On Amazon? Yeah, on the Blue Origin. You can go into orbit for five grand. You can get to lunar orbit for $13,000.

and you can launch it to deep space starting at 13,000. So that's the same rate. So you gotta decide, do you wanna be moon-adjacent or do you just wanna just say, "I'm going"? Yeah, I don't think that's worth it, but I will say that Blue Origin thing was so hilariously cringey, and this is coming from someone who reluctantly was in that Imagine video. It was a time where you can't say no 'cause you're not busy. They know you're not busy.

I go, what's it for? Nothing, just to make people happy. You know what? It didn't stick to you. It really didn't stick to me. No one knows it. I didn't know you were in that thing. No one remembers me from it. Yeah, you couldn't say no. You were at home. I couldn't say no. You were in that Imagine video. I don't remember that. Ugh.

Did you have to do the kindest, just in terms of process? So just people know, it was a bunch of people singing the song Imagine that was edited together. Did you have to sing the whole thing or did they tell you what part of the song you were doing? No, I only sang the part of the song. The first time I did it,

I videotaped just my feet on the toilet with my pants around it and I sang it because I just was so scared to be taking this as seriously as the others. It was, you know, you can't, and there were lovely people doing it, but I, and then they said no and so I said it. I did it kind of jokingly. That's a funny bit to be on the toilet. Hey, you're good.

You're the best. That's why you're the best. You tried to find a funny in that intensely cringy thing. Yeah, I just go like vagina, toilet, asshole, semen, and then if it fits in one of those, I'll do it. And a lot of stuff does. Boy, does it. That's what I find. But wait, the Blue Origin flight was...

And I feel bad because the way that the celebrities on that ship talked about it, they were a little bit like a dog bringing you a bird. And they're like, why are you mad? I brought you this bird. It's like, we're mad. We don't like this. But I thought it was going to be cool. I went into space like, we don't like this.

Women are dying left and right because they can't get medical care that they need to get because of our stupid fucking government. And then a bunch of rich people go in space and go, oh my God. Yeah. What are you doing?

It would have been cool, I think. I think you could have gotten away with it if you filmed your video about being in the Blue Origin with your pants down around your ankles. Like, I'm in the Blue Origin toilet. I mean, there must have been a toilet. Take a shit in space! Yeah, it just floats there. God, somebody's had diarrhea in space. You haven't thought about it before, but it's happened. What about the people that were, you know, stuck in space recently for months and months? Right. Surely they had diarrhea. Right. Of course they did.

And you know, I mean, I don't go six months without having it on the ground. Yeah. Oh my God. Now shake me up. Yeah. Die, die, ain't it? All right. Last one. Let's do being made into a diamond. They could turn my corpse into a gem, set it in a ring, and saddle my spouse with a lifelong whoopsie daisy. This would cost...

Hmm. $1,000 marked down from $1,600. Oh, but they'll go up to three carats for $25,000. Ooh, big honking stone. Would you wear me as jewelry? Yes. I don't even wear jewelry, but I would. Oh, that's sweet. Thank you for saying that. So moving. Would you go into space? Uh, no.

I have enough adventure with my morning shit not to be redundant. Yeah, it's like, uh-oh, T-minus ten minutes to take off. Jesus Christ. I don't, I don't, I have enough excitement in my life. That was very Jewish. That was so Jewish. I'm sorry. That was so Jewish. Yeah, going to space. Tuh-tuh.

Everybody, check out Postmortem. It's on Netflix on May 20th. Sarah, thank you so much for being here. Sarah will be back for the end of the show. Next up, it's Lamorne Morris and Esther Bavitsky. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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Other restrictions apply. My next guests are the voice of the people. Those people being Esther Provitsky and Lamorne Morris. Please welcome to the stage Esther Provitsky and Lamorne Morris. Hi, hi. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How you doing? How you doing? Thanks for being here. Hey, of course. Come on in. You sit wherever you want to sit. Sit, sit, sit. Okay, I have stuff to say about the guy that wants to live forever. Okay. Can we talk about him? Yeah, let's talk about him. Brian Johnson, let's name him. Um...

It doesn't sit right with me. I think it's weird. Right. I think men should die. No, hear me, I think it's part of the plan. Like, I think it's masculine to die. Like, that guy is just, can you imagine being on a first date with him? And like, okay.

So you're gonna live forever. So I'm just like never getting your money? What's really the point? I don't know. That's it. That's all I had to say. Okay, sorry. Lamar, do you know about this man, Brian Johnson? I don't, but he sounds like a hero. He's not a hero. Sounds like a fantastic individual. Forever? He wants to live forever. He wants to live forever. Now, you're right. Imagine the shit you could do forever.

Yeah. I could be the biggest criminal on earth. I could get away with some of the most heinous shit ever because I'm going to outlive all of you. Yeah, but you'd just be like sitting there eating bean sprouts. It would suck.

No, you'd be eating a lot more than that because you're living forever. The world is literally mine. Yes, I see what you're getting at. Honestly, it's an ick. So a couple things you should just know. Just tell me if you're going to take this deal once I explain a few parts of this. He only eats about two hours every day. What he eats is basically a bowl of mushrooms with some sprouts in it. That's basically it. My man. Yeah.

He is also on this age-defying journey with his son. That's right. They do monitor each other's evening erections. Stop. I'm sorry, what? It's correct. I know it sounds... Come again? What'd you say? So... Did I say this man was my hero? No, yeah. Nah, nah, nah. Well, hear him out. So, I don't totally understand why...

And there can't really be a good answer to the question why. I'm not saying that, oh, that makes sense. I'm not saying that he could tell me why he's monitoring his son's evening erections and I'd be like, oh, now I get it. But it has something to do with proving how young you are with how many erections you're getting in the night. Oh, that's real. So he'll walk in the room and check...

Wait, he'll be sleeping and he'll just roll up on him and be like, let me see what my kid working with tonight. I don't... Like that? Or is he like, son, wake up. He wake up and he goes, get hard. You know? Right. Like, I don't think it's like a pop quiz. Okay. I think it's some sort of a device that monitors. Like, I think it's a... There's some... I don't understand it. I have realized now... I get it. I know what that's about. Because I think I got... Here's what...

Because I'm realizing now in front of all of these lovely people in Burbank that I was so horrified by the fact that he's keeping track of his son's erections, I didn't pause to think, how would one do that? Like, I don't know what the device or measuring technique is. He's got to ask his wife. Right, right, because he's got to ask. Y'all fucking? There is that. He also... So anyway...

I think there's some downsides, you know? Mm-hmm. That feels like one of them. I want to live forever. If so, I got to check your dick every night. It's like, nah, never mind. I take it back, dad.

There's something funny about him too, which is that he kind of gives away the game because he's like, the world is covered in toxins. One must never be exposed to toxins. You have most only taken the most precious of good things into your body. I also have veneers, filler, and I've dyed my hair because I also need to look young. Part of this is being hot. Being hot forever is part of it.

You can also like buy my olive oil. It's like, what is this? What's your end game? You're selling us olive oil? He's selling olive oil. Yeah. That's crazy. What's cool about Living Forever though is you could start a Lego thing and

I literally do like one brick a day and be like, patience. This is going to be the great, this is going to be amazing in a thousand years. I get fascinated when I see, and obviously these might not be real. I see these things on Instagram all the time where it's like, scientists have figured out a way to keep people alive by using nanites and all that. That's like shit from a movie. However, if it were real, I'm not saying I would be against it.

I might want to live forever myself. That is so bitch of you. What? You mean bitch in a good way? In a good way? What are you talking about? You are a man. You need to die. That doesn't make a lick of sense. I have done, I have given this world some beautiful shit. Okay? I am a lover of many. And then,

How are they going to know in the future how good I was giving it to them? Unless I do it firsthand. Can you imagine? Fucking robots? Robots? I could please a robot. The robots would be like, I'm glad he made it because it's better firsthand. I just think all the best men die and I think that you should follow suit. I

I do think it's interesting that both Lamorne and I thought you meant bitch in a good way. Yeah. Because you don't just call a dude a bitch. You don't just be like, you a bitch. And I took it. Because I might be a bitch. I might be. And also, this is the exact kind of guy that should live forever. Esther. Yeah. You host a podcast. Yeah. Lamorne, you also host a podcast. Wait, can I say something about Lamorne? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

I... Okay, Lamorne, obviously he's famous from New Girl, right? We love New Girl. So some people don't know this, but my first job on TV ever was I was in an episode of New Girl. And I was so excited. I played the handbells. Yeah, I played a teenager. I was like 30. Um...

I show up to set and Lamorne goes, oh my God, I know you. And I'm like, this is, oh my God, because I'm so nervous, right? Like I was just so nervous. My first time ever on TV. And he's like, I know you. I saw you do standup at the comedy store. I'm like, oh my God. And he goes, you bombed. Yeah.

In front of everybody. Like, it was so embarrassing. But you did, to your credit, you were like, you bombed gracefully. Yeah. That's not an accurate assessment of how it happened. Not at all. I believe it was something like, oh my God, I remember you. And she was like, where? And I was like, I think you bombed. But I wasn't sure about it. I wasn't sure. And I was like, no, no, no. I was like, no, no, you didn't bomb. It was really funny. It was really funny, but it was like an empty, dead crowd.

But I remember you being really funny. That's what I said to her. Well, you hear the B word and like Zooey Deschanel is right there. It's like really scary. I just think, here's what I take away from this. You may forget what someone said, but you won't forget how they made you feel. I received that. I'm going to take that with me to the future. So Lamorne.

You're in Amazon's upcoming show, Spider Noir. Thank you. And I'll tell you, it looks awesome because it looks like a cool show about, like, noir detectives. Yes. Why's it gotta be Spider-Man, you think? You said, why's it gotta be Spider-Man? Yeah, can't it just be a guy doing the detective thing? What does the spider part add? If you, uh, one, it's dope. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you saw the Spider-Verse, the animated series, there was a black and white character in it, voiced by Nick Cage. So this is the live action show based on that particular character and that particular multiverse or universe, I guess. And so, yeah, we had a good time making it. And people love Spider-Man. My kid loves Spider-Man. So why not put Spider-Man in black and white in the 30s? Yeah, because we've seen a lot of noir shows.

We've seen a lot of Humphrey Bogart just sitting there looking cool as hell. But he can't go, he ain't got no webs. He can't dodge bullets. That's what we want to see. Like if Guy Pearce in L.A. Confidential could climb up the side of a building. Probably the movie would have been shorter. It would have been shorter, for sure. But they would have made a bunch of them and a bunch of money.

And ultimately, that's what Sony's trying to do. That's what it's all about. Esther, do you think we need to rediscover religion as a society? Do you think we should get back to the churches? Okay. I, okay, religion. I grew up without religion. So I'm really actually, can I just say I'm really confused about the Pope? Yeah.

Listen, I never cared about the Pope until now because he's from Chicago. Because you're both from Chicago. Yeah. I'm like, cool, dude. Die, Pope. I'm like, yeah, dude. This is so shocking to me. Like, I didn't know that the Pope could just, like, be a guy from Chicago. Like, that doesn't... That's not sitting right with me. Like, I don't believe in nepotism, but for the Pope, I think it should...

You should do something. You should be like some kind of... You shouldn't be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and become the Pope. It's weird. It's weird.

Yeah, it is deeply disconcerting to see ordinary Chicago-style Americans being like, oh, yeah, I know the Pope. Like, we could have... When you were growing up, were you ever like, the Pope could be among you? Like, that's freaky. When I was growing up? No, I was hoping not. The Pope... These people are... I'm sorry, I don't want to offend anybody here. These are world-famous pedophiles. What?

world famous. I'm hoping this motherfucker don't live across the street. I'm hoping there's an app that'd be like, there's a pope here, there's a pope there, there's ten popes over here, and there's a few cardinals around the corner. You just...

I don't want that. Yeah, no, I mean, it's an important point. I think... I'm just excited. Like, I used to, we had waitress at Johnny Rockets, and I'm like, in Chicago, and I'm like, I could have served the Pope. I don't know.

I think what's really kind of confusing about it... No, and I think... So if anyone wants me to sign their cast or, you know, bless them. And based on the vibes coming off of Leo the 14th, I think he's a Johnny Rockets type guy. Yeah, no, I see it. Johnny Rockets to me, an inexplicable establishment. Because...

I've never understood Johnny Rockets insofar as if I want a bad burger, there are better places. And if I want a good burger, there are better places. Why do I ever want this specific level of bad? Because you want the music. You want the era. You want the friendly waitress. You want the smiley face ketchup. Oh. I've never been to Johnny Rockets. Oh, my God. I used to work at Ed DeBevics. Oh!

So that's, is that similar? It is similar, but that's way cooler. Oh my God, you look cooler than me. Yeah, dude. And in 500 years, I could tell this same story. You know what I'm saying? How do you go no? Yeah, in the little cage the robots keep you in. And you just scream. You tell the story. You're like, thanks a lot. Kill me. Please kill me. I take it back. I think you probably did serve the Pope.

I know I did. For me, what I was going to say is, I think what's strangest about an American pope is there's something about watching like, I don't know, a European or whatever, or someone become the pope. They

I didn't understand them before they became the Pope, and I don't understand them after they become the Pope, but to just be a guy from Chicago goes into one room, three days later comes out, and the whole fucking place is going nuts, and he's speaking in Latin. It's crazy. It's a crazy thing, Chicago Pope. Have you seen his brothers talking about it? His brothers? He has two brothers, and they're so fucking funny, and the brothers just go on television and be like, I can't believe it. My brother's the fucking Pope. Yeah.

We play Wordle, and now my brother's a fucking pope. They don't curse, though. They're good Catholics. Now it's time for a segment we're calling The People Have Spoken. I'm going to give you a headline. You're going to tell us if this is an honest-to-God piece of news that some poor bastard of people had to write up, or if we made it up. Are you ready? Ready. First up...

Brooks Nader and Gleb Savchenko were always having sex on DWTS sets, says sister. The trailer was shaking. Ooh. I'm going to say that's real. No, I don't think that's real. You don't think so? The trailer was shaking? Well, them trailers, they're not very stable sometimes.

You got to put the stabling blocks on the bottom of it. Because I get my hair cut a lot in the trailer, right? And then sometimes my barber's got to stop because people just walk in all heavy-footed and shit. And I got to, because I don't want to fuck my lineup. God already did that for me. So, imagine if someone's having sex in an unstable trailer. You know what I'm saying? It's going to be shaking. Yeah, I'm just thinking about you being like, if this trailer's a-rockin', I'm getting a haircut. Yeah.

my mom watches and consumes everything that has to do with dancing with the stars and she still won't come to any of my shows but um I I think that I would have heard about this by now if this was real well I'm sorry to tell you it's real I can tell you first hand every single time I visited Brooks' trailer the trailer was shaking every single time Lamorne takes it let's go next up I want to do that show now I've been single a long time let me tell you something

Doing it at work? That's nasty. It's hard to meet people. Megan Trainor laughs at sudden veneer loss on today's show, At Least I Sounded Good Exclusive. Why would this be a headline? What is going on at People Magazine? I feel bad if it did happen. You don't want to lose the veneer. But I feel like that's real. It's fake. It's fake? It's fake. Ah, shit.

Next up. Wait, if you're giving points, she didn't even give an answer. You just gave her a point because I was wrong. You don't get points for not being right. You only get points for being right. You don't lose points for being wrong in this game. Next up, Megan Trainor changed lyrics to Body Positive Anthem all about that bass to mention new boobs. True. She got new boobs? She got them thangs?

She got them mammaries. She got them additionals. I'm going to say yeah. Let's take a listen. Yeah, she got some new boobs. Yeah. Good for her. Two kids, why not? Praise Jesus. That's them preachers that say they

Is that how they are? I grew up in a black church. Next up, toddler has surprising fear of John Wilkes Booth being under her bed exclusive. Esther, what do you think? Lauren, what do you think?

I want it to be real so bad. I do too. But if I came home and my baby was afraid of this, I would be like, I'm killing my husband. Why are we giving her some dumbass history lesson and scaring her? Yeah, why does a toddler know about John Wilkes Booth? That's true. I think it's true. Never teach your toddler about failed actors. Ooh.

You got it. Yeah, that's what I said. It's real. Cassie's mother told people she was afraid to lie in her bed one night. I said, it's okay, you're safe, you're in your room, nobody can bother in your own house. She said, yeah, but what if John Wilkes Booth is under my bed? Like, what if he's hiding? Can you believe that? Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Next up.

Wait, she's a thousand pounds? I think the sisters together are a thousand pounds. That's the total. Thick. That's the total. That's true.

Well, I just want to say when I'm with my sister, we weigh a thousand pounds. Sorry, I hate my sister. No, I'm just kidding, but she's annoying. I think it's true only because, oh God, a haunted house proposal is so tacky. Yeah. When I got engaged, yeah, my one rule was it could not be in public. No proposals in public. I don't want anyone witnessing it.

It's embarrassing to have life steps. Embarrassing? Yeah. But you have a whole wedding in front of all those people. We didn't invite anybody. Really? Yeah. Did you really not? No. Where'd you do it? The Santa Barbara Courthouse. Wow. Yeah. So you went to Santa... Do you live in Santa Barbara? No. What made you go to Santa Barbara to do something private? Well, it's partially because it's beautiful, but also it's the only courthouse where you could go without an appointment. Oh, you just... You were a walk-in. Yeah, we were a walk-in wedding. Yeah.

They take walk-ins. Yeah. That's nice. Can you also have a reservation or is it one of those places that only does walk-ins? No, you can do both. But the reservations are really hard to get. How is a reservation hard to get when you can just walk in?

How long did you have to wait? Not long. Like an hour maybe. Did you go on a busy day? I don't know what a busy day would be for getting married at the courthouse in Santa Barbara. I guess a Tuesday? It was a Monday, so we were good. A Monday. That's good. You beat the rush. Yeah. Or missed the rush. You were waiting for an hour? Did you have any second thoughts while you were waiting? No, I was just hungry. Oh. Yeah. Do you have a lunch reservation at least? Or do we walk-ins for your meal after? Yeah.

We drove all the way home and then we ordered sugarfish. Wow. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Oh my God. Wedding reveal. When we got engaged, we talked about whether it was possible to do a directional surprise. Like, could you figure out a way to both surprise each other? But it started breaking our brains. So we just literally planned it down to the moment in the meal. Like we were out to dinner and we're like, we're going to do it.

at dessert, right when dessert comes, because once dessert is down, it's the least likely time we'll be interrupted by the waiter. So that'll be a quiet moment so we can do our little speeches. Wait, for your proposal? Yeah. We decided in advance we were proposing to each other at the exact same moment. Like those Australian sisters? Y'all were just speaking at the same time? Yeah.

Did y'all take turns? Was it scripted? Who said what? Who got on whose knee? No one got on any knees. No one got on any knees. So I'll thank you for your question. I'll take it with the generosity I assume it was intended. No, our engagement wasn't like those freak Australian sisters.

Once dessert, we ordered dessert and once dessert came, we had rings. We each had rings. We exchanged the rings to be engaged and then we had each said we were going to tell the other why we wanted to be engaged, like seriously. And then that was it. We did it. And then we had dessert. What was it? You know, honestly, it's in that family of chocolate desserts where it's not cake dessert.

You know, it's like pudding adjacent and you know, there's a million names for it and it's like, this would be better if it was cake. You know? It's like tiramisu is one of them, I think. There's like- Flan? I don't know. I don't know. It made me question the whole fucking thing. It was like, is this all there is?

And I've been engaged before. Wait, were you? But this one's going to stick. Are you married yet? No. So there's still time. I can fuck it up. I can fuck it up. Done it before. No, you don't know my life. You get exposed to the exact amount of my life that I want you to know about. You know, that's part of it. That's part of it.

Lamorne and Esther, you can listen to Lamorne and Esther and Esther's podcast Trash Tuesdays wherever you get your podcasts and if you're in LA, catch Esther at the Comedy Store on May 31st. Yeah. When we're back, the audience gets the mic. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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That's plannedparenthood.org slash protect. Firestone Complete Auto Care's epic savings event is the sign you need to stop putting off your car's maintenance. And you can save up to $100 on tires and services while you're at it. Don't wait. Call Firestone Complete Auto Care for an appointment. And we're back. Please welcome Sarah Silverman back to the stage. Thank you.

That was so fun. That was so funny. Hi, Sarah. Hello. Hello. Before we get to our final segment, one note. All right.

After 2016, it was clear waiting around wasn't an option. That's why we started Crooked Media and why our friend Amanda Lippman co-founded Run for Something, an organization that helps young candidates run for local office and win. Her new book, When We're in Charge, The Next Generation's Guide to Leadership, is out now. Amanda shares what it's like when a new generation steps into power, not just in politics, but in business, activism, and everyday life. Sometimes you can't just step into power. You gotta kind of push some old people. Get them out of there. Uh.

But either way, it's happening. Speaking of men not living forever, at some point, some of these old guys, God opens up a seat on the various committees. The book is a manual for leadership on your own terms. No gatekeeping, no losing yourself in the process. Just real tools, honest lessons, and the kind of clarity leaders need. So we really want to help Amanda get on the bestsellers list. So get your copy of When We're In Charge at crooked.com slash books right now. All right.

Look, as a group of comedians and podcasters, we're all pretty good about talking about tiny and insignificant problems. I think so. It's the water we swim in. So it's time for a segment we're calling Itty Bitty Pity Committee. Ooh. Ooh. Can we make that happen? It's that same headshot. Tilt it. Everybody's playing little violins. That's my pre-Mangiaro face. That's Martin Luther King's dream right there. Anyway, if you...

If you need advice on a tiny, tiny little problem, raise your hand. Bill, our producer, is floating around with a mic. Who's got a tiny little problem?

Hi, I do. Hi. What's your small problem? So I'm having a girls' trip next weekend, and we have to make a trip to Costco before we get there. We're trying to figure out if we should go to Costco 10 minutes away from where we're leaving or go to the one that's 30 minutes out of the way but technically closer to the Airbnb because we have perishables and we're worried about the freezer and stuff. So it could be like a two-hour trip, and we're just trying to figure that out.

That is a beautiful small problem. Wait. Lumborn, what do you think? Wait, so one, you said, so there's one that's closer to where you're going, you said? Yeah, so we're leaving from Santa Clarita to Oxnard. Okay. And there's one 10 minutes away from when we leave Santa Clarita. Okay. Or we can wait and go to the one that adds half an hour in Oxnard to our trip. Get that shit delivered. What are we doing? What? No. Get it delivered. And miss out on an in-store experience at Costco? No.

I am a new mom. We live for our Costco trips. What? Go to whichever one is the better Costco. Get on Yelp, girl. Let's see those reviews. Nah. It's where you're making mistakes. I think... Here's what I think that on a trip with the girls...

An extra 30 minutes in the car is part of the fun. Who doesn't love an extra 30 minutes of getting to hang out with your best friends? Do you not see them all the time? Oh, no, we see each other like every week. Wow. I got to sit in this hot-ass car with all these funky-ass people. I got a friend who farts and keeps the windows. He'll drive, he'll lock the windows and fart. You also know Josh Gad? Yeah.

Sarah, you're the final vote. Are we going to Oxnard or Santa Clarita? Costco is a tiny, tiny problem. You know, I think the close one, you get a cooler. You got that cooler now for life. Cut out the 30 minutes extra and live your life. Wow, I like that. That's good advice. That's good advice. Who's next?

Hi, sir. What's your tiny little problem? Oh, so we don't have a dishwasher. Uh-huh. That's not the problem. The problem is we consistently complain about not having a dishwasher. And we all know that all of our devices listen to keywords that we say all the time. One being dishwasher. So all of my ads are dishwashing detergent. Wow. So your problem is that you're deeply paranoid. Uh...

Which is, I think, actually a big problem. But there's also a small problem, which is you're getting a lot of ads for dish-related... Specifically the pods, yeah. The pods, but you can't use them. Correct. Because you can't use them because they don't have a dishwasher. Where do you live? The streets? You've got bigger problems, sir. Yeah, yeah.

My new girl checked in cash. Wow. Mine didn't either. Have you ever worked for Fox? So, yeah, I mean, I guess there's not really much to do for you because the algorithm controls us all. Like, we don't have the ability. I don't even know how you would begin to... I guess maybe search for things that a person who lives in a disgusting home would search for. Like, you know, rats in the bed. Yeah, yeah. That kind of thing. Any other thoughts?

If you're not getting a dishwasher, stop talking about it. Really smart. Really smart. That's why she's the best. Do you live with people? Yeah, I live with my fiance right here. Oh, wow. Terrible joke coming up. You rent. You rent. So you can't get a dishwasher because you rent. No garbage disposal either. Well...

That's not worse. That's not worse. That's not a big deal at all. Dishwasher, not worse. You can scrape your plates into the garbage and then put them in the dishwasher. That's fine.

No disposal. Who gives a shit? The dishwasher, that's a life changer. That's a better world. I will tell you, you know what my mom used to do growing up? I grew up on the south side of Chicago. We didn't have a dishwasher. We were the dishwashers. So then when we moved to a different neighborhood, there was a dishwasher in our apartment. My mom used to use the dishwasher as storage. And she was like, you better not turn this dishwasher on. She's like, y'all got hands?

And so, to this day, I have a dish. I don't really use it. I'm always just washing dishes by hand. It's so much easier to me. I grew up without a dishwasher, too. And I had a dishwasher in my apartment. I never used it. Same. I should have not interrupted this just to... But now I have a dishwasher and it's like magic.

Well, no, because, you know, dishwashers be on some bullshit, right? Because there are plenty of times I would load the dishwasher and then a cup would get flipped over, right? And then it's got water in it. I go out of town. I come back. This cup is filled with mold. And then you open up and you're forgetting the whole thing is funky. And you're like, I should just wash this shit on my hand. Without emptying your dishwasher. You have to unload it. That's why I just use my hands.

Everybody's gotta wait however long this shit to take and just be like, I gotta unload the dishwasher. We got other shit to do. Could you guys invest in more paper plates? That's what I would do. Good luck. Who else has got one? Hi, what's your tiny problem? During the show, I just found out that there's a rip in the heel of my shoe. I should probably go and get a new shoe, but I don't want to go to the shoe store. Oh my God.

This town is lousy with cobblers. They'll cost you eight bucks. It's the greatest racket in L.A. You could charge so much more for this. No, eight dollars. They'll make your shoe like new. Yeah, go to the fucking cobbler. Everything doesn't have to be replaced. You don't have to throw everything out in this world, this disposable world. These people over here are using paper plates. You're throwing out a perfectly good pair of shoes just because of a rip in the heel? I don't even know what that means. Yeah, what kind of shoes are you wearing? He's wearing heels. Heels.

Your heel broke. Oh, they're Converse. Oh, so they're really thin. They're really thin. Buy new shoes. Buy new Converse. You ever hear of grounding? Do I have a what? Have you heard of grounding? No. This is when you just walk around barefoot. You got to get in touch, man. You get that energy from the earth. This is God's sign. This is God's way of telling you you ain't in touch. I agree. If you walk barefoot enough, your body makes its own shoe. It does. Yeah.

Such good advice. Such good advice. Let's do one more. Let's do one more. Well, wait. Who's the woman sitting next to you? Can't you just take her shoes? That's my wife, and she's got much smaller feet. Oh, okay. And also, you presumably want her to be happy. Okay.

I'm assuming he's carrying her everywhere. Look at him swallowing the word happy. You can't even say it. Yeah, that's... No. Misery is your kink. We have one more. Should I pay for my bridesmaid's makeup? Oh, well, that's a... I think that's a very... Well... Are we talking like...

How ugly are they? They're beautiful. They're beautiful. Smart answer. Have you already made them pay for a dress? Yes. And was it an expensive dress? No. Is it a dress that you know is not that nice because you're protecting your interests?

No. Stop it. So you're saying it's a cheap, beautiful dress? I let them pick their own styles. Own styles. What color? Champagne. That's a hard color. That's a tough color. Tough color. And can you afford to pay for their makeup? It's in the budget. It's in the budget. It's in the budget. What are you going to do with the money? Keep it?

No. Throw some makeup on these wolves? What you doing? What you doing? What you doing? What do you think, Sarah? If you don't pay to get their makeup done, where will that money go towards? Probably decor, flowers, et cetera. It's six in one. I don't know.

If it makes them happy and... Here's... Yeah, I think you should. Here's why I think you should. Because there's one of two possibilities. If you pay for it, there's a nice moment in the day where you're all getting your makeup done, everybody's happy, no issues, no contradictions. And that's priceless. That's a memory for the rest of your life. And you're not going to think the whole day, should I pay for this? Should I pay for this? Should I pay for this? You'll never regret paying for it. Especially once you get divorced.

That's a great point. And also, if you decide to pay for it, don't get in your head about like, oh, this, she was being cunty and I paid for it. Like just, you're paid for it. You're paying for it. Done. Yeah. Or honestly, one thing you could do is just not pay for it and buy these poor people a dishwasher. All right, let's leave it there.

That is our show. Thank you so much to Sarah Silverman, Lamorne Morris, Esther Babinski. We'll see you next week at Dynasty Typewriter. There are 535 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend.

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Thanks to our designer, Sammy Coderna-Rees, for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And thanks to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, Dilan Villanueva, and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week. Our head of production is Matt DeGroat. Our head of programming is Madeline Herringer. And our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America East.

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