Episode 608: The Tragedy of the Batavia Part IV - My Boss Is Gonna Kill Me!
01:44:24 Share

Last podcast on the left is proudly sponsored by Amica Insurance. At Amica, you'll receive coverage with compassion. When you choose Amica, they'll take the time to explain your options for auto, home, and life insurance. You can feel confident knowing that they'll protect what matters most to you. Amica will provide you with peace of mind. Go to amica.com and get a quote today.

Etsy is here with some new year inspiration. You can refresh your home with a linen bedding under $150 and handmade jackets under $100 from small shops. For home and style finds to help you start fresh, Etsy has it. There's no place to escape to. This is the last hot cast. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. Who's there? Yes!

Yeah, that's how I like to start. Oh, yeah, man. That's how I like to start. I can't wait for this episode. I love a happy ending. You know, I'm just going to be so excited. I like when everyone's just great and fucking everyone's so fulfilled with kisses. The best part about this is the very, very end. When they do the flash mob together. Yeah. Call forgiveness is our favorite word. One of my favorites. And then all the mutineers do the thriller dance at the same time. Oh, yeah. Slum Dutch millionaire.

Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. My name's Marcus Parks. I'm here with Henry Zebrowski. Justice Fed. Justice Fed. I am filled with justice today. What'd you do? How did you, who'd you declare it on? Not in real life. Oh, okay. Just in this story. Oh.

And for me. Justice for me. Justice for Henry. Did you win an argument with your wife? No. That's the funny idea. That's a funny idea. No, no. I'm just... This story, this ending is probably my favorite part of it. It's fucking awesome. I love it so much. How's the nutmeg? You guys been using it in your various nogs? Every day. I want to say thank you.

To Gurney today. Did you receive? I did. They were fantastic. Gurney made us a commemorative for the end of the Batavia series, nutmeg macarons. Oh, I feel bad. She asked me if I got my macarons. I was like, I don't want it. And I didn't know it was, I thought there was just macarons here. I didn't know she made special Batavian ones. Yeah, you insensitive clod. Oh, man. You classless simpleton. God damn it. I'll boof it later. Yeah, you can put it back.

I will say, I've never eaten nutmeg macaron. I haven't either. How was it? Nutmeggy. It was delicious. It was Christmassy. Very tasty. She did a great job. Yeah. And we have the future boofer, Ed Larson. How you doing? Stick it up there. We'll see you in a little while. Tell me, Eddie, um...

Did you actually, did you get your shipment track for the yay shirt? Because when I looked at my order and they're saying that my yay, my new yay shirt is going to be fucking delayed by like a month and a half. Oh, I didn't know you got me one. I just went ahead and made my own. Yeah.

I got a bunch of electrical tape in. That's a flourish on it. Now, on our last episode, we took you on a journey through the nightmare world created by Euronymous Cornelius and his band of brutes on the islands where upper merchant Pelsart left the survivors of the Batavia to live or die by the whims of fortune. Nice. But if you'll join us as we go all the way back to the end of episode two...

Upper Merchant Pelsart had a journey of his own ahead of him, as he still had to go to Java to request help for the survivors. But more importantly, as far as he was concerned, Pelsart also had to report to the VOC on the full extent of just how badly he'd fucked up.

So today, before we return to the battle between the so-called defenders and the evil hordes of Euronymous Cornelis, let's rejoin Upper Merchant Pelsart and Captain Yakub's for their trip to Java. Yeah. I just love the word Java. Java. It's beautiful. The more we say it, because it's also... You never say it. Java. Nice hot cup of Java. Yeah. And so something you say is you like...

Push your child down a well. Now to keep the timeline straight in your head, we're rewinding the story all the way back to the days just after the Batavia shipwrecked, long before Euronymous took over and began ordering the murders of over 100 people.

People, this is the journey to Java, made by the rescue vessel that was supposed to return to the islands with help. So the longboat that sat on the Batavia's deck prior to the ship sinking was a 30-foot-long craft with 10 oars and a single mast, very much the sort of ship you'd expect to see being piloted by a few dozen Vikings. Eddie, you are correct.

Hell yeah. Yeah, we went to the British Museum. You remember they had the entire Viking ship that they had excavated and they had all that kind of cool stuff in there. We learn on vacation. That's right. I love to go to museums and pretend I'm reading. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just talking about food. You're just looking at things like, mmm, hamburger. And then also, there's something about the devastation there that really makes it sweet. Mm-hmm. Now...

question. Is it ten double oars or they're five and five on each side? Because that's going to depend on how fast they can move. You know? It's not a stupid question per se. It's on the boat for some reason. I feel like I'm playing, because I do play D&D with Mike Lawrence, and so I think that it's always the questions are like, how many portcullises are there? And then you have to watch your DM just go,

You know, like you have to go like, I don't know.

Well, as far as the crew on the longboat went, Upper Merchant Pelsart made sure to bring the most experienced sailors from the Batavia, so his chances of reaching his destination 2,000 miles north was about as good as it could get. The experienced sailors, however, included both Captain Ariana Jacobs and the Boatswain, who had both been pegged by Upper Merchant Pelsart as mutineers before the longboat even shoved off.

It does seem, though, like all three of them had to just pretend like nothing was going on for the entirety of their journey to Java. Beautiful sunrise we're having. Yeah, what a great day to be a loyal ship captain.

Yeah, it's nice that you said that. It's nice that you say that. Because also, I'm just getting caught on the world. Have you seen the movie, The Tragedy of the Batavia? Where they peg all the mutineers with the longboats? It's amazing what happens in that film. And it's just that the clove oil is thick and it's coming in hot. So it is ten half oars because one side's made for the pegging. They always get the short side of the oar inside themselves.

How are they gonna do that? Most don't most oars have like the tea at the very end of it. Oh, yeah You work it in the old corner way. Yeah I see Now the experienced sailors had correctly surmised that they'd shipwrecked about 50 miles from Australia Which Australia back then was little more than a large blob on all the maps and it was still about a century and a half away from being settled by Europeans

But land was land, so the rescue boat's initial plan was to find water somewhere off the coast of Australia and bring it back to the survivors on the islands before the boat made its final push to Java. But after taking six full days to find even a safe spot to put in due to the coast's cliff-ridden geography, the rescue boat was too far away to return to Batavia's graveyard once they finally found water.

So upper merchant Pelsart had his men gather what little water they could before heading straight to Java with the hope that the survivors would figure out something until they got back. And we'll talk a little bit about Pelsart's journal. But one of the things he wrote that I thought was really funny is that when you see it, it's like they're all very short stories.

you know, like day one, this many knots, this many miles in the clouds, the day two, blah, blah. But then like they get to Australia and the first one's like day three, man on the coast doesn't want us to land pulling away as quickly as possible.

They keep also hitting the indigenous people. Yeah, aboriginals. They keep hitting them and they're all like, no thank you, no thank you, please don't stop here, we know what you guys do. Those good instincts by them. Oh yeah, they're like, we heard what you guys did for nutmeg. Don't you find out how thick and juicy our butts are here, I don't want you to fucking

park permanently now by the time pelsart's boat left australia they'd already put a good amount of sea behind them but there was still 900 miles of open ocean to go but with a good crew and boat sailing fair weather and winds they made it to java presumably without incident although we don't know exactly what transpired during the journey because pelsart only recorded notes about weather and estimated locations in his journals because that was his uh

essentially what he was going to have to show Coon when he arrived. Yeah, and he kind of didn't know what story he was going to tell. No, because he wasn't quite certain how many mutineers there were. He knew that Jacobs was one, and he knew that the bosun was one, but he did not know who else was on the boat. Also, it's like, if you're writing it down in this little book, at any moment, they could read it. Oh, yeah! You know, it's true. Yeah.

Yeah, if you're over in the corner writing, like, making sure that no one looks... What you journaling? Oh, just checking to see this water's beautiful ain't it? You're teal blue like my mother's asshole.

You can put that down for one of your skits. Mother's asshole. It was teal, was it? When you do your skits on the island, you can tell them my old story. Talking about 2,000 flushes. You know, someone posted a very interesting article on the Reddit that got to me that I thought was really interesting about why one in seven sailors could swim. It is because they had one of the big things was a superstition, which I thought was fascinating, was that

The sea takes what it takes and that it gets a taste for you. So their belief is that if you swim in the water, the ocean gets a taste for you and will reclaim you. They have this fatalist view about the ocean that it just takes and takes and takes and takes. They are like it's and it's this unfeeling beast.

that they're on and they also believe it seeks retribution. I'd rather be reclaimed than just claimed. That's right. I mean, because then somebody's choosing me because if you love something, you let it go. Unless you really love something and then you put it in the basement and you create several walls all around you. If you really love something, especially a daughter, you park her in a bed and you chain her to it and you fill her full of your own grandchildren. Did you bring your shovel?

or did you want to use mine? Hey, Joseph Fritzl is going to be free soon and we better clean up our act before, if we're not going to get him on the show because he is going to look through, you know, he's going to look and listen to our entire catalog to see if he'd be willing to give us his spot. I think Casey Anthony already booked him. Oh, yeah.

Whoa, that would be neat, cute. My name's Casey and my name's Yosef. Hey, Yosef. Nice boobies. You used to be a doctor. Yeah, it's fun to think about how a doctor can make a doctor. LAUGHTER

Back to Java. Well, every person who left Batavia's graveyard on the longboat arrived safely in Java in late June after just 19 days at sea. And that drives me fucking crazy that when the Batavia, when it shipwrecked, it was

About two and a half weeks. And then we've been on the ocean for what, like a year? Six months. Crazy. Actually, eight months, I think. Six to eight months, somewhere around there. Well, Upper Merchant Pelsart soon regrouped with one of the other boats that had been in the Batavia's original flotilla, the Sardum. And by July 7th, the 48 survivors had arrived in the VOC colonial capital, which, confusingly, is also named Batavia.

So just to make it as clear as possible here, there's Batavia the ship, dead and gone at the bottom of the ocean, and Batavia the colony, located 2,000 miles north of the shipwreck on the island of Java. It was easy for me to remember there were two Batavias because it almost rhymes with labias. And you know what they say is loose lips must do kegels. Oh, yeah.

Very funny. Because it's a pirate. It's a pirate song. When they pull into Batavia, is it like when they arrive? You remember it was the gambling planet in the worst part of The Last Jedi when they arrive? Is it like a fun thing? Are they excited? I don't think anybody is excited. Pelsart's not excited to show up.

on one of his escort ships, and I'm about to get into exactly why the people of Batavia were very, very, very upset that the Batavia, the ship, had sunk. Let's rock. Now, if you'll remember from episode one, the colony of Batavia had been hard-won territory for the VOC. See, before the Dutch, Batavia was the site of a thriving indigenous community of 3,000 people, a town known as Jakatra.

Today, this territory is known as the Indonesian capital of Jakarta, which won its independence from the Dutch in 1949, over 300 years after the VOC first arrived on their shores.

But back in the 17th century, the Dutch weren't even the first European settlers to arrive. The English East India Company had already begun building warehouses on Java when the VOC showed up. So after a series of skirmishes, the VOC engaged in a hostile takeover of sorts by sending 2,000 mercenaries to burn Jakatra to the ground. Ah!

Ah, it's no middle ground here. No. They then overthrew the local indigenous leaders, built a castle on the ashes of the town they'd destroyed, and named the settlement Batavia in 1619, making it the center of all VOC trade in the Indies. Because remember, when I'm saying, like, the Dutch did this, I'm saying, like, Dutch people did this. It wasn't the Dutch government. This is a private company.

The VOC taking land, killing people, enslaving people and doing whatever the fuck they want. And I will say that the country that it represented did definitely take those spoils with a smile, which is what we're in the middle of now, too, which we're in the middle of now that we'll see what it means to have a bunch of oligarchs do all of your foreign policy. Mm hmm.

Now, as far as who lived in this settlement, the majority of the population were enslaved locals, while the rest were a motley crew of 2,000 European soldiers, merchants, and craftsmen. Batavia, however, was a true company town, as every single person who lived there either worked for the VOC or was married to someone who did.

Most of the people who lived in Batavia never actually left the castle walls in all the years they spent there, because the lands surrounding the settlement were filled with rhinos, tigers, monkeys, and bandits who were ever so happy to kill a Dutchman if given the opportunity. God, you know what they say, if you give a monkey some nutmeg. That old story? Oh yeah, if you give a monkey some nutmeg, they kill a Dutchman. They kill a Dutchman.

You gotta train him to kill a Dutchman. You know, I live my life by that adage. Every day I think about if I was just a monkey with some nutmeg. I'd cross this goddamn world and I'd subjugate a people and I'd squeeze so much goddamn spice out of them. My God would freedom.

Now, the man who was in charge of Batavia the colony at this point in time, the one upper merchant Pelsart had to report to was Jans Kuhn, the thin, spindly fingered governor we talked about in episode one, who should be played by the same dude who played the father in The Witch if the Batavia movie is ever made. Let's just say I am not the most pleased to see you, Pelsart, so early in your trip home.

I mean, like, that's my impression of it. It's a very good impression, actually. The Batavia movie should not be made. I've thought about this long and hard throughout this month. Why? Because it can never be done as funny as we talked about it? I mean,

Because no one can do the little noose for the babies joke in the movie. Everyone's going to be upset. I feel like that's the only chance it has to be made is if it is, in fact, a comedy. Yeah. Because, like, it is just so brutal. The comedy of the Batavia is a very funny title for a film. It could be a hell of a miniseries. Yes. I'd say that. Give it three, four episodes, and, man, you got something fucking special there.

But Jans Kuhn, if you'll remember, he was the man who'd secured the world's nutmeg supply for the VOC through a campaign of genocide and slavery. He hid behind a strict Christian faith to justify his crimes against humanity. In other words, if you'd fucked up as badly as upper merchant Pelsart had just fucked

up by sinking the company's flagship, stranding 270 people, and losing over $50 million in guilders and treasure, Jans Koon was the last man you wanted to go to hat in hand. Also, I have a hangnail.

I am extremely irritable. I've been drinking too much coffee. We're in Java after all. No one tell me, could someone find half and half island? Because I'm dying here. The acid alone, I'm just, I am up to, I can't sleep. I'm burping pure hydraulic. It's coming right out of my mouth. Okay.

Making matters worse for Pelsart was the fact that Jans Kuhn was in a particularly bad mood in July of 1629 because things were not going well at all for the VOC in Batavia. And to really understand the decisions Pelsart and Kuhn were about to make, you've got to understand what was happening in the Indies outside of the shipwreck. You're going to take that context and you're going to fucking choke on it. You're going to take that context and you're going to fucking choke on it.

You're going to take that fucking context and you're going to fucking understand it. Because if you fucking don't, you've lost everything. We didn't get to the fourth fucking episode to skim some context, you piece of shit. You get that fucking context and I don't fucking care. You fucking open up wide and throw some KY down your throat because you're going to fucking jam some context down there. We're putting the content context.

See, as we discussed on episode one, Jans Koon had secured the nutmeg and clove fields of the Indies by committing genocide on the people known as the Banta. And while the VOC didn't necessarily agree with Koon's methods, they still made him governor of the islands after the genocide because Koon was a loyal company man who got results.

But the Bantanese weren't the only people native to the Indies. Amongst many established societies, there was an entire kingdom of indigenous people called the Mataram Empire. They ruled over much of the island of Java, where the colony of Batavia was actually located. And these are the guys that are always a problem at the beginning of Civ VI. There's always a hyper-aggressive local colony.

It starts picking at you while you're trying to start your very first couple of cities. Yeah. Meanwhile, the Russians got fucking nothing around them and they're just going miles ahead of you. They're already they've already discovered a goddamn art. And I'm sitting over here trying to just get a settler made. But that's why it's important. You've got to use scouts. Yeah.

Boy Scouts? Yes. I always throw five Boy Scouts at any problem because three of them can be killed. Now, the Madaram Empire was an agrarian society. Should I? Yes, please. Agrarian. That operated on the barter system. So the VOC was fine with letting them do their own thing just so long as they didn't interfere with the spice trade. Spice.

But the leader of the Madaram Empire fancied himself a bit of a conqueror. They always are. And suddenly decided that he wanted Batavia for himself. So about a year before the VOC's flagship sunk to the bottom of the ocean, a force of tenacity

10,000 Madame Marie's warriors attempted to take the VOC's colonial capital. Such a pain in the ass, especially if you haven't fortified anything. Yeah. And all of a sudden they're all over your shit and they're fucking destroying your resources and they're pillaging your, like, the little areas of your fucking, it's just fucking such a

pain to deal with these other cultures. You know, but like, if they're bringing 10,000, what are these hundred soldiers really going to do? A couple thousand. Well, they've got fortifications. That's the thing, is that the other soldiers, I mean, it's not like these 10,000 people are showing up with guns and catapults and trebuchets and all that shit. They've got pretty primitive weapons. And Batavia, like, they have built an actual castle of

on the ashes of the town they destroyed. So they can just go behind the walls. Oh, yeah. And that's exactly what Jans Koon did. Like, he led his people into the most fortified section of the fortress, and he burned down the rest of the settlement in your classic scorched earth maneuver.

The VOC were under siege for three months before the Matamorese ran out of supplies and left. But Ganskun knew that when the Matamorese harvest came in the next August, the indigenous forces would return and attempt to take the city again. Which is also how humankind beat the Homo sapien beat Neanderthal. Um...

How? By hiding behind the castle walls? No, what we did was that we realized that they would attack again. And then we fortified and changed. And that's something the Neanderthals weren't expecting. So that's why in the end we defeated them. And also it's hot in August. Yeah.

Well, this inevitable second attack was a big part of why Jans Koon was counting on the Batavia to arrive, because he desperately needed the soldiers the Batavia was carrying to fortify the castle defenses when the Madaram Empire mounted its next attack. The Batavia colony was also still mostly in ruins almost a year later, which would have made those sandstone blocks being carried by the ship Batavia quite useful. But the Batavia was still in ruins

There was also the matter of the cash, the equivalent of $52 million, which was central to the VOC's future plans in the Indies. But that's all to say that when upper merchant Palsart showed up in Java with a boat of mostly sailors and nothing else, he was about to deliver the worst news possible to the biggest hardass in the VOC, right when said hardass desperately needed good news. Why wouldn't he bring some gold? He

He had none. Well, that's actually what Jan Cohen brought up. Like, you didn't bring anything? Like, nothing? You just brought a bunch of fucking sailors? They're a dime a dozen! We can get sailors anywhere! And he was like...

You know, it's just kind of like what I did. I just made a couple decisions real fast. The truth is that I didn't know what to take. And I knew that it didn't matter what. Because you don't think that Jan Koon would have been like, so you're bringing me five gold pieces. It would be the other way. Oh, yeah. Like, he's going to lose out no matter what. Yeah. He didn't even bring the hats. Where are the hats? Yeah.

All of my men look stupid showing their stupid Dutch hair. It's bad. Their hair is bad and it's dumb. They need hats. I hate looking at them. Oh, Pelsart's here. Did he bring the hats? No. Back to looking like a bunch of idiots. You all look like a bunch of ventriloquist dolls. I'd be so embarrassed when the Mataram show up. None of you can be seen with me if I make Jennifer Aniston.

None of you could be seen with me. You're embarrassing. Hello, Florida. Your favorite son and biggest baby are coming home to bring you the laughs you deserve. Everyone likes to poke fun of the Florida man. Everyone likes to use Florida as a punching bag whenever an alligator on meth eats an old person. That can happen anywhere.

As a famous Floridian baby, I feel your pain. So that's why I'm coming home to let you know it's okay to be who you are. It's okay that the rest of America is scared of us. It's okay that books are illegal in our schools. It's okay whenever it gets cold, it rains iguanas.

I'm here to support you. So come on out. March, I'll be in North Florida. And in May, I'll be in South Florida and Orlando. It's the Invasive Species Tour. Ed Larson, me, is coming to Florida in March and May. I'm coming to Jacksonville, Panama City, Tallahassee, Marco Island, Dania Bay.

Beach, Orlando, and Key West. So lock up your public subs and start singing the Miami Dolphins fight song because we're going to party like it's Florida, baby. Tickets at eddytoons.com.

You say you'll learn a new language each year, but few actually follow through. Babbel makes it easy for you to learn one in less time than you think. Ha! Which is, for me, five to ten years. Babbel's ten-minute lessons, created by over 200 experts, help you start speaking a new language in three weeks or at your own pace. With a focus on practical, real-world conversations, it makes learning to communicate easy and effective. That's why I want to say thank you to Babbel. It's getting me fluent in Russian.

I'm getting over there. I'm working on Putin. And to be honest, I do feel like with a couple of dialogue choices from now, I think I'll get to romance him, which I think in the end is going to do us all a lot better that he's happy. I think that if I can use this Russian and Babel's power to get me to learn Russian as fast as humanly possible, I can end this global conflict and kiss Vladimir Putin on national television.

And I promise that. It's going to happen. Let's get more of you talking in a new language. Babbel is gifting our listeners 60% off subscriptions at babbel.com slash left. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash left. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash left. Babbel.com slash left. Rules and restrictions may apply.

It's always nice to keep your money where you can see it. Tell me about it. I turn all my money into the balloons that I bought on eBay, and I look at them. I keep them in a bucket in my office. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping your money too. How dare they? If you're tired of crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and quote-unquote free perks that actually cost more in the long run, switch to Mint Mobile. Come on, listen to Ryan Reynolds.

Right? He's the sweetest man in the world, right? He totally, you believe Deadpool, right? Mint Mobile offers premium plans starting at $15 per month with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. That's 5Gs.

Wait till we get to nine H's. Mint is going to be, it's incredible. Mint works at the bottom of the ocean and it works in space. Go and you get that mint mobile. It's good for you to do. You're saving money. You're spending money for no reason.

Go to Mint Mobile. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash LPOTL. That's mintmobile.com slash LPOTL. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

Every 26 seconds, a burglary takes place in the U.S., according to FBI data. One, two, three, four, five. That's a fifth of a robbery. That means by the time this podcast ends, millions of homes will have been targeted.

Protect your home before it's too late. With SimpliSafe's proactive security system. It goes to the criminal's house and arrests them before they do the crime. No, that's not true. SimpliSafe's active guard outdoor protection uses AI-powered cameras backed by live professional monitoring agents to monitor your property and detect suspicious activities.

They're watching when you can't. And the reason why we like SimpliSafe is because every night they stand stalwart and watch over our microphones and make God bless SimpliSafe and keep you safe, SimpliSafe. And thank you for keeping us safe, SimpliSafe. And it makes me feel confident.

And knowing that anybody who tries to rob this place is going to be met with a face full of SimpliSafe. Visit SimpliSafe.com slash LPOTL to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and your first month free. That's SimpliSafe.com slash LPOTL. There's no safe like SimpliSafe.

Now, luckily for Upper Merchant Pelsart, Governor Kuhn had nearly been shipwrecked two years earlier in almost the same spot where the Batavia sank. So he did have the tiniest bit of sympathy towards Pelsart's plight. But Kuhn was ultimately unimpressed by the fact that Pelsart had arrived with no valuables whatsoever. Kuhn was a company man through and through. And since he knew that the top priority for the Gentleman 17 would be the cargo, Kuhn's first priority was the same.

So Kuhn gave Pelsart explicit instructions to return to the islands immediately, where he would prioritize not the survivors, but the loot. Yes, Mr. Kuhn. Absolutely, Mr. Kuhn. You couldn't be more right. Fuck!

Fuck the children. Fuck the women. You're absolutely correct. Let's get the money. Yeah, it took months. And whoever was still alive when Pelsart returned would just have to wait until the VOC had scraped every inch of ocean for every last bit of recoverable loot before being brought back to civilization.

The implication here was that if Pelsart did not recover enough VOC property to satisfy Governor Coon, then Pelsart could very well have found himself totally responsible for the losses, which could have resulted in jail time or even execution if Coon was feeling particularly saucy on the day he made his decision. And you better be careful because it's Marinera Monday. Ha ha ha!

And the sauce is getting thicker than it's ever been. And I'm about to bring you down deep like one of the meatballs put in there on Sundays. I mean, people casually say today, like, oh, my boss is going to kill me. But with the VOC, your boss could actually kill you. We really need to bring that back.

Up to you two to do it. I can't wait. All right, well, we'll have a powwow. Can we execute someone? Let's put it out on the slack and see what everyone thinks. Come on, Rob. Let's execute. Let's choose one. You and Travis. Yay, let's kill Travis. But then there was, of course, the matter of what to do with the mutinous Captain Jakobs and the boatswain.

Now, we don't know exactly how it went down, but soon after their arrival in Java, Pelsart distanced himself from his former shipmates. At some point, Pelsart had to tell Governor Coon, on top of everything else, that a mutiny had been fomenting on the ship just before it wrecked. This was the cherry on top of Pelsart's Sunday of incompetence, and it seems like it took Pelsart about four days to work up the nerve to mention it to his boss.

But once Coon was told, Captain Jacobs and the Boatswain were immediately arrested and thrown into the dungeons of Castle Batavia to either await justice or rot until the end of their days. God damn!

God damn it. He deserves it. Now, two days after the captain and the boat swain were arrested, Upper Merchant Pelsart was given command of the Sardum, a smallish yacht staffed with a skeleton crew of 30 guys, so as to make sure they had enough room for survivors and loot. Mostly loot. Mostly loot.

They set sail from Java for a relatively short journey to the islands, where Pelsart hoped he would find most of the survivors still alive, if not thriving. You just never know with these people. Some people, you know what they say, a woman's like a packet of tea. You never know how strong she is until you put her into hot water. And you never know with these people. This could be the best time of their lives. Yeah, I'm sure they're great. I need a vacation. I bet you. When we get out there...

They're going to say, hey, take the gold. Get out of here. We want to stay right here. The snorkeling's phenomenal. Well, instead, when Palsart arrived at Batavia's graveyard, he found the survivors in the middle of a war. Yeah!

And so, now that we've told you all about what happened to Upper Merchant Palsart after he left the survivors, let's back things up a couple of weeks in the timeline to where we left things off in episode three. We're now back on the island chain with Viva Hayas and the Defenders on the highlands and Euronymous Cornelius on Batavia's graveyard with his band of murderous mutineers.

Back to the boredom. You think those guys are going to attack us, man? I'm thinking so, man. Thank God we found that crazy plant.

Fuck yeah, dude. That one plant sure does make me not care. Jammin'. What is that you're doing? What are you doing there? Who, you talking to me? Yeah, what's that sound you just made? Oh, it's a steel drum. Oh my god. It's the funkiest sound. Wow. I almost forgot I was white.

Now, if you'll remember, refugees from Batavia's graveyard were washing up on the highlands for weeks in groups of four or five, where they found that Viva Hayes and his men were having a grand old time enjoying near unlimited water and a veritable buffet of island creatures for sustenance.

But each and every person who arrived at the highlands had a new horrific story to tell about what was going down over on Batavia's graveyard. From casual murder to full-on massacres, all committed in service of Euronymous' fantasy of becoming a pirate. I watched a fucking 15-year-old boy...

murder a bunch of other boys and then laugh about it and then I watched a man kill that boy. Bummer, man.

Should we check that out or something? Did you buy a ticket for that? Someone pass me some tiny kangaroos. I love this tiny kangaroo. I love how unafraid they are. Well, after hearing all this, Viva Hayes knew that it was only a matter of time before Euronymous and his men came for them.

See, both Viva and Euronymous knew that the first group who made it to the rescue boat was going to be the ultimate winner here. If Viva made it first, then his group could warn their rescuers about the mutineers. And after defeating the mutineers, they could all go to Java to continue living the soldier's life.

But if Euronymous made it, the mutineers would likely kill everyone aboard the rescue ship and leave Viva's men to die. And that's if the mutineers didn't use the rescue ship's cannons and weapons to slaughter Viva's group just because they wanted to. We seem to be doing quite a bit of that. Yes. So I think that makes, oh yeah, they're definitely going to fuck them all up. Yeah. But aren't the mutineers like fucking weak as hell at this point? At this point they are, but...

If you've got weapons, especially if you've got superior weapons, it can really make all the difference. Also, you know, when you listen to anything about history, there are certain X factors. Dan Carlin talks about it all the time, where sometimes that level of hunger and desperation escalates.

And more, like, you have more murders under your belt, and that actually makes you a stronger adversary. Because these guys have been killing people left and right, but they're also getting drunk and lazy. Yeah, but there's also an island full of soldiers and sailors. You'd think they'd be strong as fuck. We'll see. But that's all to say that Viva knew that the stakes were high, and he had to be prepared. The biggest problem Viva had, though, was that Euronymous's men had all the muskets and swords. But that didn't mean Viva didn't have advantages himself.

Most importantly, Viva had made sure that everyone who showed up on the highlands was well provided for, which engendered real loyalty, and the abundance of resources on the highlands meant they had no less than 50 healthy people willing to fight. In contrast, Euronymous ruled his men by fear, and their rations were limited to what rainwater they could catch with tarps, along with stray birds and a rapidly dwindling supply of hardtack.

Viva was also a hell of a soldier, so he and his men studied the geography of the highlands to surmise where they could best defend the island against Euronymous when he and his men finally mounted their attack. Eventually, Viva pegged a shore of mudflats as the most likely landing spot, so a lookout was posted there at all times with clear vantage points to send signals inland, where most of the real defenses actually were.

But since their strategy was based almost solely on defense, Viva's men took to calling themselves the Defenders. Go, go, Island Defenders. Go, go, Island Defenders. Everything doesn't need a name. I don't know. Having a name for your group, it's a team thing, you know? Yeah, I guess so. The Gorillas. They don't know.

what a gorilla is. How about, yeah, something like, you know, the football team. Yeah. The highest island football team. The flotillas. The commanders. I like the flotillas. Yeah, that's fun. The tiny kangaroos. Yeah. The cats. Ooh, the cats. Meow. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr. Rawr.

Now having no military experience, no understanding of strategy, and a shallow bench when it came to military advisors, Euronymous Cornelis fell back on manipulation and deceit as his opening volley in the war. He wrote a letter to Viva, warning him that the people who'd escaped to the highlands were all telling lies. They were the evil ones who were planning to betray Viva.

So, Euronymous suggested, it would be in Viva's best interest to arrest those who had escaped and wait until Euronymous came to take them away. Don't worry, we're on our way. Let's go apprehend the criminals for me. We're going to get in there, we're going to do a big investigation. We're going to get to the bottom of this and find out what's really going on. And I want to try one of these tiny kangaroos. XOXO. Thank you. Much love.

It's also funny, too, that they're on an island and the first thing is like...

Dictate a letter! Yes! Bring me my quill! And it's just like, you're on a fucking, you're surrounded by the corpses of infants. Now, Euronymous's letter was delivered by a young VOC cadet who'd helped with the drownings in the early days of Euronymous's executions. But since Viva wasn't an idiot, the defenders took him captive as soon as he landed. When the cadet didn't return, Euronymous knew his plan hadn't worked. So he decided for an all-out attack.

A group of 20 men, led by the psychopathic David Zivank, boarded boats to attack the highlands. But the defenders were well prepared. The mutineers landed exactly where Viva thought they would. But when faced with the full force of healthy soldiers armed with homemade weapons, the mutineers retreated immediately. They figured out that... So muskets take a lot.

to use. It takes a second. Especially back in the 1600s. You gotta pack it, you have to put in the wick, you light the fuse or whatever it is. It's about around a minute. Yeah, and so what he realized is that, okay, they have guns. We only have slings and rocks and all this bullshit. But what we can do is we can make their guns useless by instead of using the rocks, which is at first they thought like, oh, they're gonna sling rocks at us? We're fucking got guns.

He was shooting it at the water so that when they were waiting, when they, because the way they put it, they had to get out of the boat and wade to the beach. Mudflats. Like mudflats is literally what they did. They try to do on D-Day. And so they, they had to wade through the water with the muskets held up like this. So then they would shoot the slings into the water to splash all over them to get the, the wicks wet and,

And to make the guns useless. Yeah, you know how good they got at slinging rocks. They got nothing else to do. That's all they're doing all day. And there's a lot of rocks. And not to mention they're a lot harder to kill than starving children. I mean, I don't know. So now that the mutineers knew what they were up against, they returned with their entire crew a few days later. All, of course, except for Euronymous, who stayed behind on the graveyard.

This time, the defenders and the mutineers actually clashed, but the mutineers again retreated without any real casualties on either side. Totally at a loss on how to break through, the mutineers made no further attempts at attack for another month. But in that month, the survival situation for the mutineers became dire.

their food and water rations were running dangerously low, while it was quite obvious that Viva's group was living high on the hog, relatively speaking. So what started as a war to save the mutineers from execution became a battle for resources. Now, like many demagogues throughout history, Euronymous thought he was much more clever than he really was.

While he had no problem manipulating men who were already dissatisfied, ignorant, and prone to violence, he had a much harder time fooling anyone with a sense of decency.

So when Euronymous moved on to his next plan of taking the highlands through subterfuge and deception, Viva Hayes saw through Euronymous's bullshit almost immediately and was able to turn Euronymous's plan against him. Yeah, all it takes is, it's amazing how sometimes incompetence comes up against the barest form of competence and how it falls apart. Yeah. See, the defenders had plenty of food and water, but they were dressed in rags and they had to use driftwood planks strapped to their feet for shoes.

Euronymous, meanwhile, had plenty of material for clothes since Batavia's graveyard was far closer to the wreckage of the Batavia itself, and more stuff had washed ashore on his side of the archipelago. I dare them to fight without hats. I dare them to look stupid. Or you found the hat box. Yes, but I'm keeping it for myself because as the seasons change, so do hats.

So, Euronymous proposed a simple trade. Red wine and canvas for food and water. The trick Euronymous planned to pull, if you could even call it a trick, was that when the trade was made, the mutineers would take a few of the defenders aside to sow dissension and convince them to come and turn coat. I want to ask you a question. Is it harder to kill a baby or a six-year-old? And I don't know that whatever answer you got, we support. Ha ha ha!

Well, if the mutineers were successful, then it would be far easier for Euronymous to mount an attack and murder every defender on the highlands.

But like most of Euronymous's plans, it was about as ham-fisted as you could get. No offense. None taken. So basically, his plan was for him and his boys to be like, listen, I know you got all this food and water, but how about shoes? Basically. But you look like shit, okay? Well, not just shoes, but how about shoes and gold? We've got a lot of treasure over there. But out here, it doesn't fucking matter, bro. It doesn't matter at all. That's why the plan's fucking stupid. Okay.

Now, this time around, Euronymous got a little more clever with his envoys. Instead of sending a mutineer with the trade offer, he sent the minister, who was received kindly and told that the defenders were open to negotiations, even though they knew Euronymous was planning something.

So, Euronymous took his full company of 37 men to the highlands with the red wine and canvas to complete the illusion. See? Yeah, see, see? And it's also, this just, it speaks to Euronymous' narcissism as well, that he even, this is very much magical thinking, you know, that he knows that 20 people have showed up and told Vive Hayes all about the massacres that have happened.

But he thinks that he's clever enough to work his way through it. And how did they get there? Did they swim? No, mostly that like there were rafts. They were building boats out of the leftover wood from the Batavia. So you remember that he had the other side of the island. There were the people that were technically not members of the mutineer party that were stuck on one side. So what they did was build boats. So they built their own boats. They had some of their own like kind of half made boat.

wrath things. And then kind of like basically the first couple of people that landed on the highlands that were running away from Batavia's graveyard, they left those boats. And then those boats would you go back and forth? Well, so as to not appear too aggressive, Euronymous left most of his men on a small islet, 400 yards off the highlands when he went to go do his little trade subterfuge while he and his five best men continued to the mud flats to meet with Viva.

Now, Viva could immediately see how pitiful Euronymous and his men really were once they were not in the heat of battle, as each man was rail-thin from three months of trying to survive on whatever meager rations they could obtain on their barren wasteland. Ah, we're still fit! Ah, we're still strong! I just...

My fingernails are falling off. And they're also all dressed in these ridiculous costumes that they've put together through other officers, people they've killed. I couldn't notice, but you don't have a hat on.

Yeah, exactly. Right in front of Viva.

It's so funny because I feel like I'm getting called out for my own. Now, obviously, I'm sorry that it's all Civ. Civ 7 came out. I haven't started it yet, but I've been kind of watching a lot of videos on it.

And I am stuck in that mode right now because it's really it's embarrassing because this is one of my big moves that I love to do. I'm kind of mad that highest like pulled this apart so quickly, but it works in Civ where what you do is you send somebody in the diplomat and send a diplomat in. But then what you do is you park an army too far for them to see. And then while they're doing negotiations, you just attack. Yeah, that's awesome.

But he's saying it's not. And he can suck me, because honestly, it works for me, quite a bit. It's a video game. This is people. Now, when the mutineers attempted to bribe his men right in front of him, Viva figured enough was enough and took the opportunity to arrest Euronymous and his five mutineers on the spot. They fucking got him. It was just that easy. He's such a fucking bitch. Yeah. 400 yards away on the islet, the rest of the mutineers saw the arrest of their companions and prepared to advance.

Seeing this, Viva Hayes ordered the immediate execution of every mutineer except Euronymous, and five men, including the psychopathic David Zivank, were exterminated on the spot.

This is when bullies meet actual bullies. Yeah. The other mutineers were shocked and demoralized by the executions, although I don't know exactly what they expected to happen here. Yeah. But instead of attacking... Hold on, we can die? But I thought you were as bored as we. What do you have there? Oh, my God, it's...

cheesy. Listen, don't kill me. There's women to kill. Kill a woman. Don't you want to kill a child? But instead of attacking, the mutineers returned to Batavia's graveyard. And in the end, the defenders also got the red wine and the canvas without having to give anything in return. I will say there is something to chopping the head off the snake. Yeah. I think that they fall apart. I think that you also...

When you're stuck out there, and this also calls from, like, this is a little bit of a culty thing, right, where they have the sunken cost fallacy of just the six weeks of being under this man's control that they just jumped under, right? They literally just said, all right, rolling with you. Yeah. And then they realize, like, oh, like...

the whole world is not going to sort of like bend over for us. Well, it's the paper tiger thing where they, they immediately see like, Oh fuck. Like he's just a bunch of talk. Doesn't really work. You just collided with the wall. That is reality. Yeah. And if your anonymous had half a fucking brain and was a decent apothecary, just poison the wine. Yeah.

That's what you do in the Goblin Camp. Yeah. Now I'm talking about PG-3. God damn it, I need a life. I need to kill people for real. I need more interesting stories. I need to go and join a mercenary group or do something so that I can come in with these types of scenarios and I can really tell you stories like how Christopher Lee told everybody on set of Lord of the Rings what it actually sounds like when you stab a man in the back. He's done it a bunch. No.

You know, like I need that. I need that type of, especially as a podcaster. Yeah. No, podcasters definitely need more experience. I need more time in the, maybe in a prison cell or something. I can fight my way out. We could get you into a prison easier than we can get you into a war. Legally. Let's say I go in not having committed a crime, but find out if I can get myself out. Ah, that's, I believe in arrested development plot.

Wow, yes it is. Or the Escape Plan movie with Stallone and Schwarzenegger. I'm not pitching this as a movie. I'm saying this as my life. Oh, okay. All right. Now, after arresting Euronymous, the Defenders tortured and humiliated the now former mutineer leader by throwing him into a limestone pit. Yeah! Where they gave him the task of plucking and cleaning all the birds the Defenders hunted. Oh, that's the last one!

This sucks! I promise I'll learn my lines! They allowed Euronymous to keep one bird out of nine as so-called salary, but his job kept him constantly covered in blood and feathers, languishing in a pit quickly filling with bird guts. Ugh, the health department have a field day with that. Ha ha ha!

Not anymore. I honestly sound like that's incredible. What an amazing way to find. I love an entire pit filled with bird guts. That's actually how I sound like this. I take feathers. Do you know bird guts can actually cure the measles? Yeah, you actually get it. It's going to be one of the most miracle cures you've ever seen in your life.

Sorry, I'd want a Cheryl Hines pussy hair stuck in my fucking lungs. Oh, wait, no, that's just a worm screaming out of my brain. Oh, I love my fucking wife. That's a Curb Your Enthusiasm plotline. Yep.

Meanwhile, back on Batavia's graveyard, the mutineers were going through a crisis of leadership. The next in command, a soldier named Stonecutter Peteres, was ineffectual and unpopular. So the mutineers elected a 24-year-old Dutch soldier as the graveyard's new leader. Might be the worst name I've ever heard. Wouter Losch. Mm.

Don't you say that. I am the leader of the island group now. And everybody wants us to know we are going away. We are doing lip syncs. It's going to be lip syncs instead. Bauderlach sounds like the cum boy at a Berlin nightclub. I was. I did a good job before the recession. Because now people come for free. They clean it up. They get their people. They get their families to clean it up for them.

Well, under Bauderloche's command, nobody else was murdered on Batavia's graveyard. And the reign of terror was effectively at an end, unless, of course, you were a woman. Things continued to be horrible for them. But not now, that's for certain. Women, the problems for them and of them have been cured. Solved. Finally.

But at the very least, no one lived in fear of random stabbings or stranglings from that point on. And they even reinstated the council. But even though some semblance of civilization had been restored, it didn't solve the inevitable execution or resource problems. So the plan to attack the highlands was soon back on.

And so, after trying to send the minister one more time with a false peace offering that was immediately rejected, the mutineers launched another attack on September 17th, an attack that would prove to be their last.

Why wouldn't the minister just stay at the Highlands? I've actually asked myself that question. I think it's fear, partly. And he also signed the loyalty oath. And for these people, paperwork is sacred. I'm not even fucking joking here. Paperwork is very sacred. He signed a loyalty oath to Euronymous Cornelius.

and his men. His men are still there. They're still fucking hanging out. So he has to honor that loyalty contract. He also signed a loyalty contract to his dead wife. Yeah. Yeah. He sure did. He sure did. But it's just something about when it comes to wives, they don't care as much. Yeah. He'll just do his part, though. Yeah. So, over. Yeah, his contract ended. Yeah.

Now the mutineers were at their greatest disadvantage yet in this offensive. All their best military men had been executed on the mudflats, and Viva had larger numbers who were better fed, as well as the high ground. But the advantage the mutineers still hadn't brought into play were the guns. Either because they were saving them for the rescue ship, or because Euronymous thought he was clever enough to get by without them, the mutineers still hadn't fired the muskets that they'd had since day one.

But with no other options, the mutineers incorporated the muskets into a strategy that had a good chance of working. What we will do is we will use the guns to shoot at the birds, and the birds will make so many noises that it will make the sailors frustrated, and they will give up. They'll give up the whole thing because they're like, there are many birds are yelling. I can't think straight enough to make decisions about the war.

So, your anonymous just became Yosef Fritzl. That's not your anonymous. That's Von Strode. That's Wouter Loesch. That's Wouter Loesch. And it is a lighter version of Fritzl. Different character. Wouter, under your new regime, what is your hat policy?

I still believe that hats are important for our reputations as soldiers and they are important for our feelings as men. So hats on. Yeah, I'm very happy feelings are being taken into account. I love a brim. I love a brim.

My feelings have been pushed down for too long. Now, once the mutineers loaded into their boats, rode over to the highlands and landed on the mudflats, they used their two muskets to keep the fight at long range by firing one round a minute.

And while this sounds like it wouldn't work, the mutineers were able to injure three defenders and kill one. The rock thing, it sounded like a good idea, didn't really work in practice. It started because, again, if they stayed on the boats. And it is interesting, though, because they really just show that musket warfare had its like...

Yeah. You know what I mean? They worked hard on it. Like when we were watching the armored, the AMMA. Yeah. Where it's like you kind of forget that like, no, these weren't like, you know, the entire body suits of armor. They were built to be functional. They're not just art pieces like you can roll around and like that was a whole thing. Now there's tactics to every single one of these weapons. If there wasn't tactics behind them, they wouldn't be a part of warfare.

Now this strategy very well could have translated to total victory for the mutineers, a rescue for Euronymous Cornelis, and the slaughter of every man, woman, and child on the highlands.

But just as the mutineers were about to overtake the defenders and kill them all, they spotted something on the water off in the distance. It was upper merchant Pelsart, returning after three months with 30 men and a fully stocked VOC ship right in the middle of a battle. I don't know why that's so. Why Jurassic Park? I don't know. It's just something about him. That's the hell with him.

when the helicopter showed up. They all show up and they're like, it's a boat! Like, it's fun. I love this part. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. People ask me, Henry, what are some of your relationship green flags? And mine is, is he willing to help me fight my enemies?

Is she willing to stand with me at the edge of the crater of madness and look deep into the pit of despair and still jump with the power of a thousand suns as our love blazes through the epics of time? And then in the end, the end of eternity, we sat staring at each other on the beach of the universe, staring in each other's eyes until we make love with our lungs.

And that's my thing. But whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, it's time to form relationships that love you back with BetterHelp. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. It's amazing. Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. And you should. Discover your relationship green flags with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash lastspod to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash lastspod.

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. You make a website, you use the website, succeed. Thanks, Squarespace. Now that I found the little boy that now is running the horse picks empire, I am angry with the way that he is handling it.

A lot of these horses, honestly, it's subpar and a lot of it's pretty lazy. The current J.D. Vance horse that they just put a beard on is honestly, as far as I'm concerned, extremely, extremely offensive to me as a person with a former bearded face. So now it's why I have started my own new website. Thanks to Squarespace. Destroy horse picks dot com.

Because the goal is to go after this rogue child that took my dream and perverted it. And the only entity that can help me in my search for revenge against this one childlike entrepreneur is Squarespace. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, squarespace.com slash left to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I'm coming for you, Charlie Bucket!

Is your child struggling with a specific subject or need help with homework? IXL Learning is an online learning program for kids. It covers math, language arts, science, and social studies. If your child is struggling, this is the smartest investment you can make.

A single hour of tutoring costs more than a month of IXL. IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the U.S., and don't you want to be a part of that community? I tell you, when I first started my little Carmelita on her journey with IXL, at first she was like, is this chicken food?

How can I eat this? She said it with her eyes. And I said, no, you have to learn to do math if you're going to eventually get a degree and bring money into this home. And honestly, the changes I've seen in little Carmelita over the last couple of weeks would just show you, you need to get IXL because my dog is doing my accounting.

And I am now scared. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. And last podcast on the left listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixl.com slash left. Visit ixl.com slash left to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Wow.

Now, Pelsart should have shown up days before his dramatic entrance. But with Captain Jakobs and the Boatswain in jail back on Java, it took Pelsart forever to find the islands again. Where exactly...

That island. Left. Shit. Right. Fuck. Backwards. Oh, no. Let me orient myself. Let's go back to Java and then I'll think about it. It's this way more than this way. Well, Pelsart actually had no idea if anyone was even alive on the archipelago.

But when he saw smoke coming from the islands, he dropped anchor and had his crew load the ship's boats with supplies. And just by a fluke of geography, the first island Pelsark came to was the highlands.

Now, had Pelsart landed on Batavia's graveyard with no knowledge whatsoever of what had transpired in the three months he'd been gone, it was entirely possible that the mutineers could have surprised them and taken the ship, because Pelsart's crew was mostly people focused on recovering the loot.

But the mutineers didn't know that. And when they saw that the rescue ship was definitely heading towards the highlands, they broke off their attack and retreated to their camp, while Aviva Hias raced to meet Pelsart's boat to warn him about the mutineers. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun

Now with the VOC back in the picture, the fight had gone out of many of the mutineers.

But of all people, the rabid yet impotent cabin boy, Jan Pelgrim, acted as the mutineer's mascot and got the men fired up again. Don't you guys want to kill? Don't you know when that boat comes and takes us to Java, we'll never be able to kill another boy again? Don't you wish that we could just, we're going to take that boat, and I swear, boys, we're going to go out on that high seas, and boy, oh boy, we're going to be the rootinest, tootinest bunch of pirates of all time.

If I go, will you shut the fuck up? Will you shut the fuck up? Okay, I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. Have a positive outlook.

He fucking stabs the little girl to death. Within minutes, Jan Pelgrim convinced a group of mutineers to get back in their boats and row for one last shot at taking the rescue ship and killing everyone who stood in their way. Because at this point, death was coming for them no matter what they did. You just got to remember that at this point, death is coming for us no matter what we do. So let's kill volunteers.

Voluntarily! Yay! You know he's a good mascot. Let's have a positive outlook! Come on, guys! Yeah, I guess it's not fun if everyone's got a bad attitude. That's the thing! No one's having fun, but no one's having fun! Can I ask a neat... Did you fart? No. Okay, good. No, neither did I. That's funny, you didn't even ask me. I...

I'm sorry, Marcus. I know your farts. And I do know Eddie's farts. Yeah, my farts are much worse than this. Partly, partly wonder if I farted. There is a smell. Yeah. Rob? No. All right. Well, continue. Now, over on the highlands, the problem the defenders had was that they'd hidden all their boats on the north side of the island to keep them safe from capture during the battle. That meant that Viva had to cross two miles of rough ground, then row his boat another three miles to the sardum before the mutineers got there first.

Upper Merchant Pelsart had also somewhat foolhardily boarded a boat full of supplies along with half his men to look for survivors on the highlands, so the sardom was lightly crewed by just a dozen sailors. Easy pickings for armed mutineers. But once Vivahias reached his raft, he rode out until he spotted Upper Merchant Pelsart standing dumbly on the beach waiting for something to happen. Ha ha ha!

You know what I see? I'm going to stand up. You can see this on the Patreon. You know the Forrest Gump meme? Yeah.

He's got his hands in the back of it, in the small of his back, and just, huh, waiting. The only ship that survives. Something's gotta happen soon. Well, Viva quickly made his way to Pelsart and told him to go back to his ship immediately, because a party of scoundrels from the other islands had intentions to seize the Sardom. After hearing a very brief version of what had transpired over the last three months, Sons of fucked up shit! I gave you the fucking reason to be here! There's a kid, and a

These tiny kangaroos are delicious. We call them cats. Belsart jumped into action and got back in his boat, but not before he told Viva to bring Euronymous Cornelius to the sardine with all haste.

Pelsart, however, was still some distance from his ship when he saw, rounding the southern point of the highland, a sloop carrying the mutineers. So he told his men to row, row, faster, faster, and he barely had enough time to clamber up the side of his ship to alert his crew before the mutineer's sloop pulled aside. It was a photo finish! But the defenders had warned Pelsart just in time. Minutes!

And when Palsart looked down at the eleven men in the sloop below, dressed in their ostentatious homemade uniforms and armed with swords, he knew that Viva Hayas had told him the truth. There's the fucking hats! After a brief standoff, the mutineers saw sense that their cause was finally lost.

And with their surrender, the three-month-long mutiny on the Batavia was finally over at the cost of over 120 lives. Dude, on fucking islands less than a football field blinks across in over maybe two months. Three months. Yeah, I'd say three months from the arrival. It's like June to September.

120 people? 120 people. Over 120 people. They don't really know exactly how many people died, but they think it's somewhere between like 120 and 130. And I got to say, that was the best summer of our lives. Summer of 1629. Now, Pelsart began interrogations immediately. And one of Euronymous's top men, perhaps tired of the whole goddamn affair, he quickly confessed to the murders of 20 people.

committed on the orders of Euronymous Cornelius. We were bored. He then laid out the entire conspiracy, starting with the original mutiny plot that began three months earlier on the Cape of Good Hope, continuing with Euronymous's brutal reign, and ending with the attempted capture of the rescue ship.

Now, once Euronymous was brought before Upper Merchant Pelsart, still covered in the blood and feathers of dead birds, he tried blaming everything on the men who'd already been executed by the defenders on the mudflats a month earlier, who were too dead to say otherwise. Have you ever tried to stay popular? I still know my dad does. How hard it is to stay popular with a bunch of this amount of mean. I mean, I gotta be mean to be in charge of them.

Well, they were the ones, Euronymous said, who had wanted to murder the survivors. This whole thing was just one big misunderstanding, because all Euronymous had ever wanted was to maintain the peace and save as many survivors as he could from these terrible soldiers and sailors, and he'd never had any plot to seize the Batavia nor any other ship.

Now, Pelsart was understandably overwhelmed with information here, so he put Euronymous in the brig and sailed to Batavia's graveyard the day after his arrival to arrest any remaining scoundrels and save whoever was still in the thrall of the mutineers. Pelsart was, of course, prepared for a fight, but once the mutineers saw a boat of fully equipped soldiers sailing towards them, the defenders with new gear, they all surrendered and were arrested, then bound on the spot.

In searching the island for VOC valuables and guilders, Pelsart found the written oaths the mutineers had sworn to Euronymous. But that was only part of the evidence. Euronymous had also kept extensive journals, which were soon cross-referenced with the accounts of survivors and the confessions of the mutineers. That's why this story, which I'm thankful for in one way, is that I'm so, I hate,

I am so sick of when stories become a debunking. Yeah. Because you're like, oh, well, we went through all this and then it's not real. And now actually we know that all of the things that we talked about on this island definitely happened. Yeah. Because Euronymous detailed it. Well, not just Euronymous, but many people detailed it. A lot of people like the minister actually wrote a book about

An entire book after being rescued from the island that detailed like everything. So there's a ton, a ton of firsthand accounts, primary sources on this. I feel like no man should ever have a diary.

I have a diary. It just gets you in trouble. No. Fill it with lies. Well, I certainly don't fill it with incriminating information. My huge cock hurts from fucking today. I hope that one day my wife, Christy Canyons. What's her name? No, you got it. Yeah.

Now, as I said earlier, Pelsart's ultimate mission here was not the rescue of the survivors. This was primarily a recovery mission. So while Pelsart sussed out the crimes of Euronymous Cornelius and his men, he ordered the divers he'd brought with him to begin scouring the Batavia shipwreck to salvage whatever they could, an operation that was set to take months.

But I suppose, thankfully, as far as entertainment went, the months of recovery gave Pelsar plenty of time to form a council that would be in charge of punishing the mutineers right there on the island with full criminal trials and executions backed by the authority of the VOC, which, again, was a private company.

Ironically, though, one of the men on the council was himself a mutineer and a murderer. Pelsart's former clerk, the man who killed the baby on Euronymous's order, the one with the tiny little noose. Sorry. He was the only person available who could read or write, so he made recordings of the proceedings and signed judgments of his former comrades. We need more beachside courts. Yeah. Why is that? Volleyball courts. You know what? Yeah. Yeah.

And have a judge on them, though. And be able to have, like... They have referees in a high chair. Volleyball traffic court. Ooh! Right? Where you versus a lawyer...

In volleyball? And then if you beat the lawyer in volleyball, you get off. MTV Spring Break Justice. Whoa. Yeah. I feel like in the private prison industry, which is huge right now. Yeah, yeah. We could get it in the ground floor with that, with a nice, let's just call it a captive resort. That's all it is. It's a full, it's all inclusive. Yeah, it's right off the coast of Cuba. You go right there. It's my favorite. There's an island available that we can get. Yeah.

Can I have a quick stupid ore type question? So the divers are every day, they're going down, they're trying to get the gold, right? Trying to find it, trying to recover it, yeah. What's the diving equipment like in the 16th? Yeah, right? That's it. I mean, I don't know if they have. Do they have like a hose? I don't know, actually. What year was this? 1629. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Fuck that up. Shit! Shit!

Shit! You get out of here! You get out of here right now! I actually don't know. History of undercover time. Oh my god, buddy. Why are you doing this to me? I'm just thinking. Why are you doing this? I imagine they held their breath. Yeah, probably. But there might have been hoses. They might have been something like that. Yeah, the diving suit wasn't there until the 1860s. Okay. Yeah. All right. Open diving dress. They're just really good swimmers. Okay. Oh, they had a diving bell.

Oh, yeah, the diving bells. And butterflies as well. Yes, they would put you down to the water and you would go through a thing and I guess it was like a... Oh, because it has air in it. That's kind of fun. Yeah.

Simple. Yeah. Yeah.

far worse than it sounds. But he was like super duper thirsty. But then...

Super ironic. If Euronymous went through what most people went through with water torture, he was stripped naked and tied up spread-eagle to an upright wooden frame. Hey, you guys, take me out to dinner first. Where his captors tied a canvas collar around his neck that reached up to his eyes, something like a doggy cone. Once the interrogation started, his captors poured water over his head, which trickled down the collar and formed a pool of water at the bottom.

I can hear that too. It's the, it's the, or it looks like somebody's still thirsty. You know, like, I can see that afternoon. Here comes the airplane.

The only way to breathe, therefore, was to drink the water. So, Euronymous alternated between gasping for air and gulping down liquid until he passed out, hideously bloated.

Once unconscious, Geronimus was cut down and forced to vomit so the torture could begin again. After going through that cycle three or four times, Geronimus' body was swollen to two or three times its original size. His cheeks would have looked like balloons, and his eyes would have swollen out past his forehead. And he would slowly have slid into modern...

Marlon Brando. Yeah. But even as horrible as this is, it still took several days of water torture before Euronymous confessed to both the mutiny plot and ordering the murders, although he continued blaming others for his crimes.

It was only after the, and I don't know why I find this funny, but they brought in all the confessed mutineers one by one to confront him. Yeah. And then you, and that's when your onimous finally admitted to ordering the murders of three dozen people of his own free will. You're mean. And you made us do mean things.

Just cause we were bored, we should have done bad things. So you should feel guilty for that. I'm gonna go to have sex with my hen. Euronymous then signed a confession, entrapping all the mutineers at once. And with that, it was time for sentencing. Yeah! For leading the mutiny and turning Batavia's graveyard into a slaughterhouse.

Euronymous Cornelis was given the maximum penalty under Dutch law. He would be hanged, of course, but the Dutch added the extra indignity of cutting off the condemned's hands first. Yes! Whoa! Now, also in...

No, it's just I'm very blown away by it. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. It is crazy. Can you imagine fucking being able to be a manager at fucking Borders and get to fucking hat somebody's hands off? It's awesome. It's like, how do you kill someone worse? And then they figured it out. Yeah. It's human ingenuity. I find it interesting that the first place you went to was Borders, manager at Borders, which was a job that you once held. Oh, yes. I always think about the manager I had that used to wear knee pads and he used to have...

He had many many pewter rings and he was a Swinger and he used to talk all about time of him like you should check out my fuck pad Like he was like that style a guy like it's a 50 year old dude was talking about his fuck pad Yeah, and he was the guy that told me that if anybody tries to walk out of here with a book I need you personally to chase him down in the parking lot and get that book back and

And I remember just being like, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I'm 18. Yeah. Also, no one's going to steal your stupid books. Yeah, the fucking books. Also, it's Florida State. Let them steal the books. They should be reading. They can read the books. It's okay. It's just information they need. And also, they're asking you, of all people, at 18 years old, to chase down. I was a unit. Yeah.

It can be pretty fast, you know. Yeah, as long as they're 10 feet away. They were. Well, also in accordance with Dutch law, all of Euronymous Cornelis' worldly goods and possessions, including anything owned by his wife, were to be given to the VOC because it was deemed that the corporation had been the one most harmed by Euronymous' actions. And I think about them a lot. Yeah. And I think about that especially like in 9-11. Yeah.

I think about those investment companies that didn't get to move on. I think about the... I think about the...

private military companies that were inside of that building and how they were doing work with our enemies. And I miss them. I miss the restaurant on the top floor. Yeah. Fuck it. I think it was called Spinny's. Now, four more mutineers were given the same sentence as Euronymous, while five others, including cabin boy Jan Pelgrim, were allowed to be hanged without having their hands chopped off first. Gee, thanks! Honestly, I wish I could! Come on, we gotta

right? I want to see what stops. Could you please chop off his fucking hands? Come on. I want to see what it's like. What my inside of my arms looks like. He wants it. We gotta just hang him normal. He won't shut up until you do what he asks you to do. Give me what I want. I want to see my bones.

I'm straight fucked up, man. Fourteen more mutineers would have been taken to Java for further interrogation and punishment, while the rest of the men who'd signed loyalty oaths to Euronymous just to survive, they were freed until it was proven that they had done something to deserve punishment.

Really, the only person who came out of the wreck of the Batavia on top was Viva Hayes. Pelsart raised his rank to sergeant, placed him in charge of the soldiers, and doubled his pay. He fucking did his job. He fucking deserves it. Yeah, all the defenders actually got raises. Now, wouldn't the...

be going backwards again. I'm sorry. Sure. Chopping off the hands. They're bleeding out. Well, you know, we're going to get to it again. Okay, good. But isn't it good? Wouldn't it be better to not hang them and just let them bleed out on the beach? No, that's too relaxing. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, because you're just kind of going to sleep. What if you slap them to death? No, they caught her

Oh, they do? They don't cauterize, though. They wrap them up. They wrap them up, yeah. Okay, all right. Yeah, we'll get into it. Now, the executions were set to take place on Seals Island. No.

I want to see! They killed all my family! Seals Island is actually very nice. Seals Island is extremely nice. Just don't go to Heidi Klum's island because she will tear you to fucking shreds. Well, this is, of course, where Euronymous had ordered the massacre of well over a dozen people just a few months previous. The condemned were therefore held in makeshift jail cells on the island until the execution date. But Euronymous decided that he was going to take himself out before the VOC had a chance to.

He somehow convinced someone to bring him items from his apothecary kit, which he used to concoct a poison to kill himself. But again, Euronymous was a shitty apothecary. And just like the botched murder of the baby months before, Euronymous only succeeded in making his last hours on Earth a living hell of writhing stomach pain.

Honestly, I should have went to school. Isn't that sad? The ultimate irony that he just tortured himself to. He's such a fucking pathetic idiot. He was rough, yeah. Also, if he was just kind and went to the high island, everyone would have just ate.

Yeah. He deserves the fuck out of this. Yes, he deserves every cent. I thought about cutting that from the story, but I thought like, nah. No, fuck him, man. That is hilariously, he's such a bad apothecary. And a bad

And it also shows that bad villains, they're literally bad at being villains. They cause a lot of damage on top. But what's really nice is sometimes they also collide with those consequences so hard, it's really satisfying. I'd say almost 100% of the time, like much of the time, they do collide with the consequences. The consequences come in hard and fast. But yes, you're right. The problem is all of the damage they do before that. Yes. Try and hang me and cut my hands off. I'll show you what I'm doing.

Oh, my belly hurts. Oh, my arm. It's like when I ordered too much sushi. Or the time you got that weird-ass egg pizza in Italy, and then you were just going like, Carbonara pizza. Not weird thing. It sounds fucking delicious. It had a bunch of warm eggs on it. I thought that's how Italians eat eggs. That's not how they eat eggs. So did they.

was black i was like holy shit this italian's got fucking black eggs i always remember the look on the man's face he was like yes i see the waitress called me fat remember yeah yeah yeah honestly hey i miss her well once the gallows were constructed on seals island the condemned were executed on october 1st with euronymous going first

After his hands were chopped off with an axe by the executioner, tourniquets were tied around his wrists to ensure he was conscious for his ultimate death. Because it hurts having your hands chopped off. Yeah! Euronymous was then walked up the gallows ladder to meet his doom with the minister at his side, the very minister whose family Euronymous had ordered to be slaughtered. Doing his job, the minister asked Euronymous if he wanted to confess his sins.

Euronymous, however, ever the heretic, refused. You motherfuckers are gonna have to buy the DLC for that shit! Now in those days, Dutch gallows involved a short rope tied to a horizontal beam.

The prisoner was walked up a ladder and the noose was wrapped around his neck. Then it was the executioner's job to thrust a knee into the small of the prisoner's back, launching him to his death. This is my death knee. This is the knee I heard playing skip rope when I was nine. So this knee can't do the killing. But this one does the killing each time. The worst part is when the rain comes. Because then my killing knee kills me. This is my killing knee. This is the knee I used to bounce.

my granddaughter. Oh, no, she bounced off and died. Well, if the condemned was lucky, his neck would snap instantly, but that was a rare occurrence. Most of the time,

Most slowly strangled to death over 20 agonizing minutes, and indeed, Euronymous Cornelius entertained the crowd with his convulsive kicks for quite a while before the evil bastard finally left this earth. You know, I was bored this whole time. Until today. This is, by far, the most entertaining time on the island. I call this hat. Ah!

I'll kill you. I'll kill you for life. Why haven't we been hanging people this whole time? I don't know.

Now, many other mutineers did confess their sins to the minister, and many pled for mercy. But only one mutineer was successful that day. The half-mad cabin boy, Jan Pelgrim, wept and wailed and begged for grace. So Pelsart took pity and spared the boy's life because he technically didn't kill anyone despite his best efforts. I wanted to kill, and I wished I could kill, and goddammit, you won't take the chance from me. I wish...

grow and I will kill as an adult no matter what I do Mr. Palsart because that's my dream that's my passion instead of execution Palsart exiled Jan Pelgrim to Western Australia making Jan the ineffectually murderous cabin boy and this is absolutely true one of the first two white men to settle Australia that explains it laughter

It just makes so much sense. I could totally, absolutely be like, oh my god, this place is fucking amazing. Fucking the birds will kill you here. Wow. I could fucking, holy shit. Am I surfing? I could get a dead surf. I call this a billabong. That's a jazz wazzer. That's a ping pong. I'm making stupid noises and naming birds after them.

The other man cursed to survive the wilds of Australia with Jan was the same guy who took over for Euronymous after his capture by the defenders, Wouter Loesch. Jan, my forces together are going to get this murder of this barren big island, boy murderer. Despite the fact that he'd been the one who bashed in the minister's wife's head during the massacre of her family, Wouter...

also earned exile. This put Yan and Wouter 160 years ahead of the first British convicts who eventually settled Australia. Unfortunately, though, we have absolutely no idea what happened after this odd couple was dropped off on the coast with nothing more than supplies and a couple barrels of water. I just see this, like, cut to them, like, 20 years later.

She comes out, you know, like you got Jan, he comes out with his oven made out of seashells and he's baked a cake for his birthday. Comes out and Vowder is sitting there like they're married now. You know what I mean? Like she's dressed, he's dressed in a full dress and wig made out of seaweed. You know what I mean? Like, I'm so glad we got married 20 years ago when I was frozen in the form of this boy. Yeah.

I'm so glad we've had the time to take care of each other and enjoy ourselves here in the wonderful island of Australia. Quick, another jerk-off contest. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, you betcha. I didn't know this magical land arrested everyone in

I mean, that is the movie that should be made about this. Oh, yeah. No, the Batavia movie begins with these two getting drunk off. With them on the beach.

Now, no records exist as to what was done with the bodies of the executed men, but the tradition in the Netherlands was to leave the bodies of executed prisoners on display as a warning to others. So it was likely that these nine men were left on the gallows as food for the mutton birds. It's actually almost certain that the bodies were just left there because subsequent voyages to the islands, even 10, 20, 30 years later, noted a sudden spurt in plant growth, which was likely due to the fertilizer the corpses provided. Yeah.

So it finally became like a fruitful island. Yeah, a little bit. And it just took the bodies of colonizers. Yeah, that's really nice. Made your heels. But those men would not be the last to die because of the Batavia.

See, Pelsart was eventually able to recover almost everything of value from the shipwreck, including six out of the seven VOC money chests, most of Pelsart's personal valuables, and all but two of the treasure chests. But as we said, Pelsart was trying to make the best impression he possibly could on the VOC, so he was dead set on recovering every possible piece of merchandise so he could bring it back to his bosses to show what a good boy he was.

So he ordered five men to try and recover a barrel of vinegar from the treacherous coral reef. But during the recovery, a storm swept in. This was expected. The weather had been bad for almost the entirety of the recovery operation. But because of Pelsart's need to please his corporate masters, the five men on the recovery boat were swept out to sea. Whoa.

They disappeared on the open ocean and likely died terrifying deaths by thirst or drowning, all in the service of recovering a goddamn condiment. Hey, don't you like salads? I do love vinegar. Vinegar is one of my favorite things on earth. Exactly. Not worth the deaths of five men. You're the white men that did this. Your people, your vinegar-loving people. Yeah, my vinegar-loving people, but everyone loves vinegar. They do. It's honestly...

It's actually a secret ingredient in a lot of restaurants that you don't actually understand. Many of your favorite sauces, especially the five mother sauces of French cuisine, are normally finished with a splash of vinegar. And other different things. Vinegar helps quite a bit. It adds a needed hit of acid to most foods. Indian food's full of vinegar. Oh, yeah. It's full of vinegar. And you can clean the floor with it. Yeah. You could fucking drink it. It's a magical liquid. Yeah. You could spit it in your fucking...

Boss's asshole. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if you can. Are you asking? You can spit anything in your boss's asshole. Anything. But I will. But isn't vinegar... That battery acid. I will say, though, vinegar wasn't just a condiment. Vinegar had many purposes. No, I know. It was useful. It's why it went after because they would pickle all the stuff. But it was... It wasn't really that useful. Well, I mean, but five men dead.

They just killed a bunch of children. Men were expendable back in the day. These are good men. They're fine guys. They're sailors. We don't know their whole story. God, you guys are heartless. No, you never know. This is like the historical equivalent of not knowing whether or not you should say you really like a video because you haven't checked out the person's Twitter yet. The Keiths always say, I won't vouch for the rest of their content. Yes. But this is good. Yes.

Finally, after making sure he recovered as much loot as possible, Pelsart ordered the Sardom to leave the islands on November 15th, two months after he returned and almost six months after the Batavia shipwrecked.

Out of the 270 people who'd been left behind by Upper Merchant Pelsart, only 77 remained alive. But most of the survivors were Viva's defenders. The rest were a part of the 133 people who'd remained on Batavia's graveyard after Euronymous sent his competition away.

Out of those 133, only 32 people from Batavia's graveyard were still alive. And that included the 14 mutineers that were taken back to Java for further questioning and torture. Worst of all was that out of all the children who'd set sail on the Batavia, only one had survived to their ultimate destination. And that kid, don't even start talking with him. He is fucking sad as hell. He is...

A bummer. Give me a break. It's a big bummer. My biggest bummer eight-year-old I've ever met in my life. Mostly he just sits there and goes... Shivering. Yeah, he can't talk. He's fully, entirely traumatized. That's why they call him Shivering Johnny. Yeah. Shivering Johnny of Batavia. You ever thought of making your diorama a little happier? Putting a little sun in there, you know, maybe some flowers. It's always just dead babies in the...

on the coast. Like, that's all he does. But you know what is nice about him is that no matter what, if you have a drink to mix, you just put it in his hands. Now, I'm sure that Upper Merchant Pelsart was dreading the return to Java to fully report on all the atrocities that had occurred on his watch to Governor Jans Kuhn. Because, man, that's the thing. At the end...

on top of everything else. He has to come back and be like, oh yeah, no, I created a full nightmare world. Yeah, yeah, they created a rape market. I didn't know that they were going to do that. You know, like I didn't leave them with those instructions. Yeah. Does Kuhn care about that though? Well, that's the thing. Unbeknownst to Pelsart,

You didn't have to worry about Kuhn anymore. Just after the sardom set sail from Java to recover the merchandise on the Batavia, Jan Kuhn collapsed and died at the age of 42 after a history of heart issues and a bout of dysentery. And that's the thing. And people say that about the patriarchy and how it's bad for all of us, which is true. You know, like, why are men in charge of everything and why do they own everything? But on some level, don't you think it's super stressful? Yeah.

Because think about Kuhn. To be a genocidal maniac, it wears on your heart. He was under so much pressure. It's just like, you know, what are you going to do? Of course he went. I wish he had found a way to find some self-care time for himself. Yeah. So is the next guy nicer than Kuhn? Never. Literally never. They can't physically be. You have to be able to say to yourself,

we really need to burn down the entire village in order to keep it. Yeah. And I think Yon-Kun, he was certainly more concerned with merchandise. He was certainly more concerned with cash. But there were passengers on that ship, which was a part of the VOC business. Mm-hmm.

And very few of those survived. Oh, yes. Very, very few. 18! Kraycia Jansdokter, the woman that was the... She had one of the saddest stories, actually. Remember, she was the one who was attacked by the feces and tar. Yeah, the super beautiful woman. The super beautiful woman. She was the one who was staying with Euronymous. Yes. She was staying with Euronymous. Forced to stay with Euronymous, yes. Once she got to Batavia, she found out that she was there to meet her husband because all of her

kids had died back in the Netherlands. When she arrived in Batavia, she found out that her husband had died the previous June. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone just dies so easily. Yeah. Yeah, dude. But it was very dangerous. She remarried, moved back to Amsterdam and lived until the age of like 70. See, that's what a wonderful third act. That's what I tell Natalie all the time. It's like, listen, I'm going to die while you're in your fucking 60s. You'll get to go be an incredible lesbian. You get to have so much fun. Mm hmm.

It's nice. It's very nice of you. Yeah. Women get to have that. Yeah. Because husbands die early. That is true. I hope so. Yeah. Well, Jan Cohen's replacement was no less brutal to the mutineers brought back from the shipwreck than Jan Kuhn might have been. Out of the 14 brought back, five were hanged, eight were flogged, and stonecutter Peter S.,

said to be just as bad as Euronymous Cornelius, he was broken on the wheel. Yeah! And you can hear all about that particularly brutal method of execution if you listen to our recent episode on the Saints. Yeah, that's a wild one. Yeah, but the difference between stonecutters breaking and what occurred in Europe was that while Stonecutter was waiting to die from internal hemorrhaging as all his limbs were broken and wrapped around the spokes of the wheel until his feet were touching the back of his head, he had to contend with the bugs. Ugh! No!

Who are the bugs? Great garage rock group. They were from Minneapolis. Don't do this. Bugs are really solid. Honestly, I'm going to write that down. I'm making it up. Oh, shit. I was excited. I literally opened Spotify. Check out the hangman. You'll love the hangman. You can tell me about Poison Ruin, which is amazing. Yeah, also, I love Poison Ruin.

Well, back to Stonecutter. As Stonecutter baked in the Southeast Asian sun, flies and mosquitoes quickly covered his body, filling his mouth and swarming his eyeballs until he finally died a deservedly painful death as the last mutineer from the Batavia to be executed. Crime don't pay. Yeah.

Now, as far as everyone else in this story went, very few lived a happy ending. Yeah. While Viva Hayes and all his defenders were promoted with raises, upper merchant Pelsart was found to be wanting by the VOC. I could see that. Who deemed his work unimpressive. Oh, it is. Yeah.

The gentlemen 17 never gave him another command, although they really didn't have much of a chance to. 11 months after the execution of Euronymous Cornelis, Francisco Pelsart caught a fever and died at the age of 35. Yeah. He's only 35.

This whole time? This whole time he's 35. No wonder they all killed each other. They're all young idiots. Well, we're not that young, but he, you know, 35 at the time was pretty old. Yeah. I mean, the oldest man on the ship was Captain Jacobs and he was in his like early to mid 40s. Like he was far closer to our age than anybody else. Yeah, Coon died

younger than me right now. Yeah, 42. Again, stress. But even though the VOC had not given Pelsart a command, his death robbed them of contractually obligated profits. So the gentleman 17 had all of Pelsart's worth confiscated and absorbed into the VOC. Well, that's not true. It's not all of it. They left a small fraction to his mother, but they took, I would say, like 90% of his earnings.

Everything. Yep. Well, that's what he gets. I mean, it's getting it all up. Yeah. Well, that's what he gets for signing on with a fucking VOC. Yeah. Yeah. It could have gotten his hands chopped off and hung. Yep. He could have. He just died of a fever, just like most of the rest of the people on Java. Well, concerning Pelsart's nemesis, Captain Ariana Jacobs, records show that he was still in the dungeons of Castle Batavia in 1631, years after the other mutineers were executed. But,

No further records exist, however, so it's likely that Captain Yakovs died in those same dungeons, having thrown his life away for a dandy from a rich family who'd sold him a fantasy of freedom. But he got a reality.

A four wall. Yeah. But there is, of course, the matter of what happened to the VOC, the most powerful corporation in the world for nearly 200 years, and only the second of its kind to exist. Yeah, I miss them. What happened to them? Well, like most organizations built on the brutal exploitation of its workers and the idea of profit at all costs, corruption began to eat the VOC from the inside out by the 18th century.

See, the company had always had a corruption problem. But when the VOC faced a serious shortage of capital in the 1750s, the Gentleman's 17 dramatically lowered salaries across the board regardless of rank.

To compensate, the VOC simply changed their definition of what corruption was to permit agents to trade goods under the VOC's flag. Because it's not corruption if it's laws. Yes, it's not corruption if it's laws. And if you just start calling it something else, you don't have to worry about it anymore. Yeah. In other words, they went with full free market capitalism with no rules or regulations, which always 100% of the time results in even more corruption and eventual collapse. But not

this time, Marcus. Yeah. This time's gonna be different. You're gonna do it good, Marcus. I'm gonna be buying McDonald's on Saturn. But besides the practices of their employees, the VOC was also having a problem hiring and keeping employees. Yeah, you could see the turnover rate would be high. Well, throughout its almost 200 years of operation, roughly 5,000

4,000 VOC employees died every single year, both directly and indirectly due to VOC policy. That's just fucking a wild number. 4,000. You're like, we lost 4,000 employees this year. Yeah.

To Microsoft? No, to the angel of death. That tended to discourage recruitment as Europe moved more into the modern age and human life became a little less disposable. Yeah, man, because now it's very sacred. Yeah. Well, it's a little more sacred now than it was in 1750. That's true. Yeah.

Now, there were half a dozen other reasons that contributed to the VOC's downfall. But what finally killed the VOC was a war between the Dutch and the English in which the VOC lost tens of millions of dollars in guilders because the British Navy finally caught up.

But I want to first say, thanks for the nutmeg.

I also like pepper. Yeah. And I've really come to enjoy when you, a hint of star anise. Yeah. I enjoyed the smell of cloves. Yes. So yeah, like that's great. We just need to kill a bunch of people so I can enjoy a smell. I mean, that's really all I ask for is that I really only like potpourri if it's filled with the blood and guts of children. But the clove oil helps with the anal sex. I know, but I just don't use it enough for me to think it.

Now, I've been thinking a lot about why none of us have ever heard of the Batavia until a listener brought it to our attention. Why such a fantastic story has been all but lost to time. And comparing it to other survival and disaster stories, my first thought was that the Batavia hasn't survived because it doesn't have any meaning. Unlike, say, the stories behind the Uruguayan rugby team, the Donner Party, or even the Titanic.

If you look at it simply, the Batavia could be seen as nothing more than a brutal story about a shipwreck that resulted in one man turning the lives of the survivors into a serial killer's playground. That's enough meaning for me, but... But as I thought about it a little more, I realized that the reason why the Batavia story hasn't survived is because it has too much meaning. As the story of the Batavia is, at its essence, the story of what happens when the ugliest and most uncomfortable parts of humanity are allowed to run wild.

See, the VOC doesn't just represent simple corporate greed. It's a company that knowingly and callously sacrificed the lives of 4,000 employees a year and killed who knows how many of the people it enslaved. And it looked at their deaths as not just accepting

But essential parts of their business model. Likewise, the mutineers don't just represent human cruelty. Their actions show just how quickly men can turn into monsters willing to crush a child's skull on someone else's say-so with all the emotion of stomping on a cockroach. And they show just how easily other men will join in if only to save themselves.

Furthermore, the lessons from the Batavia are difficult to absorb considering how companies like the VOC effectively created the modern world. It's been proven time and again that unrestrained capitalism inevitably leads to foul exploitation, and it's a system in which every single one of us participates. Hey!

My Apple computer, my fucking Amazon app. I'm wearing pants, all from Halliburton. I like a lot of my clothes. I love packages. It's also difficult to accept that men like the Gentleman's 17 are more in charge now than they've ever been. And it's hard to see how that's ever going to change. Especially when it feels like we're in the final stage of a plan that was hatched hundreds of years ago. And especially when many of our fellow citizens are welcoming subjugation. But

we cannot despair and we cannot lose hope for every Euronymous Cornelius leading a horde of psychopaths. There's a Viva Hayes who sees right through his bullshit and defenders who are willing to back him up. Every organization throughout history that's built on backstabbing, exploitation and profit above all inevitably topples and falls. And things happen far faster in today's world than they did in the 17th century. And while the corporations of the world seem like impossible monoliths that hold all

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

in 17th century anymore. This is 2025. And I think it's high time we started looking at that as a good thing. People are smarter, healthier, and stronger, even though that's hard to see sometimes. And we're also far more numerous than we've ever been. For every one of the bastards in charge of this world, there are millions of us. And if we all stick together, it is possible, however slim the chance might be, that we can stop the Musks and the Bezoses and the Zuckerbergs

from bringing the dark days of the VOC back into our daily lives. Even though the meaning of the Batavia is about as ugly as it gets, we can still take inspiration from the horror, absorb it as an example of what the world could look like if we don't fight back, and we can use that inspiration to resist the motherfuckers in charge in whatever way we can until the day we die!

Yeah, my brother. That's why I wanted to do this fucking story. Hell yeah, man. I was so excited to do this story. It really, it's true. I think you hit it right on the fucking money, dude. Because this is the only thing that we can do.

Truly, that will always work is gum up the works. Yep. So I'll say that. I definitely, as a podcast producer, I'm always in charge of a general strike. I am ready to do it. And you gum up my works all the time. Oh, that's my job. Yeah, literally with your gum. That's my job. So just know that a part of what we're going to have to do as we roll through this next couple years is obstruct everything.

as much as possible, which we can do. Do whatever you can do. Find out what you can do and fucking do it. And I also, you know, it's a common expression, but I think it rings true more now than ever. It's

Just don't let the fucking bastards get you down. That's what they want. They want to take it from you. They want to take your day to day from trying to break your spirit. And, you know, every time you let them, they're winning. So just fucking ignore it and fight forward. Try to. Yeah. If you need to fall, fall apart every once in a while, fall apart, but pick yourself back up. Amen. Get your fucking shit together. So now, but now the Batavia, the comedy of the Batavia is told. We're so excited because next week we're moving on into another big project.

And then I am personally very excited. It's another multi-parter. It is another multi-parter. Fuck yeah. I'm extremely excited because we're going to modern times. Yeah. And we're going to see some of these lessons are going to pop up again in this next story, but I cannot wait because we're going to meet my favorite Idaho 10. Woo! Woo!

Can't wait to see her. Man. Also, I just want to say I'm coming to Florida. All right. I might as well be on the Batavia with this fucking tour, but invasive species. I'm touring Florida. I'm going for a week in March and a week in May and March from March 20th to the 23rd. I'll be in Jacksonville, Pennsylvania.

Panama City and Tallahassee, Florida. The Tallahassee show I'm doing with Danny Bedrosian of Key Funk. He's going to play the keyboards with me. Did you hear about this too? I did not know. Eddie accidentally booked himself.

in the same venue that Murderfest started. No shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like the first place I ever did comedy, I'm coming back to the 926 Bar and Grill, which formerly Brothers in Tallahassee. That is funny. And the exact 20 year anniversary of our buddy Danny's first time playing in his band at that venue.

That's crazy. It's the same exact venue. It's going to be a fucking hell of a show. I can't wait. So if you're in the Tallahassee area, go to that. Also in May, from May 6th to the 11th, I'm going to be in Naples, Dania Beach, Orlando, and a whole three nights in Key West. But Dania Beach and Orlando are going to be side story shows. So make sure you guys come out to that. It's going to be a lot of fun. Tickets at eddytoons.com. Yeah.

Yeah. And I can't wait. I'm going to be with you when we are in Orlando and Fort Lauderdale. We're going to have a fucking blast. I can't wait. It's going to be great. It's going to be really fun. And then we are going to be. We're coming to Dallas. If you're listening to this, it's going to be in one week on February 22nd. We're going to be out there in Grand Prairie. My brother tells me the venue is built in the middle of a swamp. Awesome. I didn't know that.

That water is still in Texas, so that's nice. Oh, yeah, no, no. Dallas is very swampy. Oh, okay. You're starting to get into East Texas, and once you start to get into East Texas, Dallas is like the gateway to East Texas, and that's when shit starts getting real swampy and real racist. Fuck. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. We're going to fix them. We're going to fix y'all. We're going to go down to Texas.

And I'm not leaving the stone unturned. Yeah. All right. We're having fun because Texas Pete Henry Dabrowski is going to be there. Yeah, it'll be cool. I'm looking forward to coming back to Texas. It's been a while since I've been back. So, yeah, I'm looking forward to coming back home. Can't wait to try the pizza. Yeah.

You know what? If you keep your expectations at the appropriate level, you'll be fine. I know exactly where we're going. I already know where we're going to eat. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Barbecue. Yeah, buddy. Fuck yeah. We're going to get so fucking sick. I really want to get sick and fat. Yeah. I mean, well, fatter. Yeah.

Well, if you want to give money directly to us, and if you want to see actual video episodes of last podcast on the left, go join our Patreon, patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. We've got all kinds of shit there for all the different levels. Uh, you know, you can see, you can watch our, uh, stream live every Tuesday. If you're a Patreon member, um,

That is Last Stream on the Left. It's every Tuesday at 6 p.m. PST. You can also follow us on the socials, TikTok, Instagram, at LP on the Left. And don't forget to check out all of our other streams at twitch.tv slash LPNTV. And we've also got a ton of other shows coming up after Dallas. You can go to lastpodcastontheleft.com, click on shows to see when we're going to be coming near you. And we cannot fucking wait because...

It's more fun than ever, is it, boys? Isn't it? Oh, my God. Dirty little whores. Oh, yeah. Come on out to Dallas. It's going to be fun. I've got a shitload of family coming. Oh, that's going to be awesome. I can't wait to fucking meet the rest of your family. Oh, you'll meet them. They are a funny bunch. Hail, sweet Satan. Hail, Geek. Hail, Geek.

Marcus Parks for putting this big fucker together. Thank you. And I'll also say hail Joel and Shaw, our research assistants, who absolutely fucking crushed it on this series. And of course, I could not have done it without them. So thank you. But also, hail them. I'm going to say this is my favorite series. I've been loving it. I really, truly love this one. Wait until next week because I'm very excited for this next coming. This one's coming back.

Top quiz. Why is there a boat on every delicious Tillamook dairy product? That's right. Our founding farmers built a boat because it was the only way to share their dairy with the world. How did you know that? Tillamook. Extraordinary dairy.

Make your winter even sweeter with the joyfully chill sensation of MyMochi ice cream. MyMochi is deliciously creamy, premium ice cream wrapped in sweet, soft dough. It comes in fabulous flavors like strawberry, mango, double chocolate, and cookies and cream. MyMochi ice cream tastes like an indulgent treat, but it's only around 70 calories per piece, and it's gluten-free. Look for the purple box of MyMochi at Target.

or visit MyMochi.com to find a store near you.