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On April 18th, Sinners are coming. From Oscar-nominated filmmaker Ryan Coogler, director of Black Panther and Creed, starring Michael B. Jordan, comes the motion picture event of the year. Twin brothers Smoke and Stack, both played by Michael B. Jordan, return to their hometown for a fresh start
Only to discover that an unspeakable evil is waiting to welcome them back. Don't miss the genre bending thrill ride shot with IMAX film cameras. Sinners arrives only in theaters on April 18th. Rated R. Under 17. Not admitted without parent.
Halloween in April. You heard right. Shudder is bringing you halfway to Halloween, because you shouldn't wait until October to feel the joy of horror. So get ready for a terrifying lineup, from cold classics like Evil Dead to new releases like The Rule of Jenny Penn, starring John Lithgow, which Stephen King hails as the best movie of the year. Shudder on AMC Plus is your streaming home for horror, with spine-chilling movies and series all year long. Learn
There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. No, actually, I quit. I'm out. I'm out of the comedy business. Yeah? Yep. I'm out. You're in the podcast business? No. What are you in?
Mostly I'm in the getting women adjusted to this body business. My goal is for men across this entire country and women transitioning to men.
To provide a base disgust level that will allow people to sort of like, you know, you look upon me. You look upon this body. Yeah. You look at my body. You say like, wow, how does that guy do anything? Yeah. Like, right. Tie your shoes. Don't know. Yeah. Even open the door to your car. Have no idea. Put on a belt. Don't wish I didn't have to. Yeah. Right. And I want you to know my job is being here.
And existing. And much like people want to, and I'll say this across the board, I feel like a lot of groups are experiencing this right now, and this might actually be a little bit, even a heavy way to start the show. Okay. Which is, I understand that entire cultures are being erased. People don't want to talk about trans people, but you know what's really being erased is the fat husband from sitcoms. Yeah. Yeah.
And that's what I'm here to bring back. Yeah, no, you're part of the trans fat community. No, I am fat. I'm just, I am, I'm fat. I'm so, again, it's important to remember people like me, the other fat guy who lost the weight from the Mike and Molly. Did he lose the weight? Oh, he had to. I think the government made him. That is the thing. They all, you know, when John Goodman lost the weight, you know, you get mad, but then you realize they were going to die. Yeah, absolutely. I saw John Goodman walking around at Disney World once. It looked strange.
But at the same time, I'm glad he's healthy. Glad he's healthy. But this is the thing. That's why I'm bulking back up. Goodman's getting big again. I just don't think there's anything any of us can do about it. Yeah. You know, Kevin James is getting hard. Yeah. There's no reason for that. Is he getting, like, his penis? No. Never. He can't. No, he can't. No, no, no. I'm talking about. No, I thought he couldn't. No, no, no. I'm talking about just his body. He's trying to look at him.
Kevin James is getting all tight and hard. Oh, it looks bad. Yes, I don't like it. But at the same time, I guess I am rooting for them. I'm not rooting for Kevin James. Oh, you like Kevin James. I'm fine with him. I love the one bit. You like the Queens show. Well, I love King of Queens, and I also unironically like the one bit that he did in his old stand-up special. I've never seen any of it. He talks about how his main bit was that I just want to lose enough weight so that my tits stop jiggling when I brush my teeth. Yeah.
That is the best thing that he's ever said. That is a good bit. But that's why here, guys, I know a lot of you have been wondering where's your representation, and I'm coming back with it. Yeah, yeah, my tits are always slopping around. My tits are so sloppy, some people just straight up call me Rue McClanahan. Yeah.
She had great tits. But if you took Rue McClanahan and you threw her down a slip and slide, you don't mean to tell me she's not going to be all sloppy and gunky? She was actually, she had surprisingly tight small breasts. Welcome to Side Stories. You're here with your host, Henry Zebrowski, and I'm sitting here with Ed Larson, Rue McClanahan fan. I love her.
Actually, I've been watching Golden Girls lately, and it's all jokes. It's very funny. It's a great show. It is a phenomenal show. It's a fantastic show. It really is legitimately very funny. But this is...
where I want to bring up something very serious that you lost your dog. My dog's dead. Now, I'm so sorry, but I wish that there was a way to do it. If we found, are there nudes of Rue McClanahan we can show Eddie? I think there is. Wow, that's the closest we got right now. There are a couple Rue McClanahan nudes, I think. If we could just show Eddie just one nude picture of Rue McClanahan so that he can have the emotional strength to do it.
to get through this episode wow she looks great in that picture rob that that is that's that's kind of doing it for me yeah all right all right this is enough now we're just getting a golden woman now all right i i regret that we did this you know what if you really wanted to make me feel better you know sunday the black lab yeah if we could shave her and i could see her nude because that's who rambo really got into he was all about sunday he would like
He would always make me go to her Instagram page and be like, yo, Eddie, I got to lick my dickie when I look at Sunday the Black Lab. You help Rainbow masturbate? I help Rainbow masturbate all the time. And this is her. She's still around Sunday, Miss Sunday. She was retired for a little bit, but she's still around. This is her in the bath.
Oh, Rambo would have loved this. Look at him just licking up that bathwater. This was supposed to be a touching moment. I was really hoping that we were going to cut to Sarah McLachlan track. You can play Sarah. No, we can't anymore. It's all copyrighted. Our sadness has to be purchased, Eddie. But yes, Rambo died this week. And I'm very sorry for you. We had to let him go. He was very sudden. And he's such a good boy. And I love him. I'm wearing his handkerchief.
You did a good job. I did. I did. He's a good boy. He mixed it up. He had a great life. He did. He mixed it up. He had a lot of celebrity pool parties. He did. Yes. You know, he hobnobbed to the best of his ability. I let him attack one skateboarder. Cool. That's nice. Also, if you want to pay tribute to Rambo. Attack a skateboarder. Well, I've just been barking at him. Yeah. And it's... Do you be surprised...
How good it makes you feel. Oh, no, I'm not surprised. I'm serious. Try it. It should be illegal. If I could, I'd make your fun times illegal. And I'd have the secret police come and arrest you. Yeah, one time he actually did chase down a skateboarder and knock them off of their skateboard.
And I was like, holy shit, Rambo's going to attack this kid. I'm going to have to put him to sleep. The kid? Oh, yeah, the kid, because he touched my dog. But Rambo didn't bite. He just wanted him to stop skateboarding. See, that's it. That's all it is. Because I could tell he had a skateboarding accident when he was younger. He did. His tail had like two skateboard marks. Oh, I thought he was trying to do the 1080. No. No.
So it's hard on a, it is hard on a lab mix to do the 1080. They get so scared once they come down the ramp. Can I tell one Rambo story before we have a normal show? Of course. I remember we were at the, it was, uh, the Alec Baldwin roast, uh, after party. And, uh,
Pre-murder. So don't hold it against Rambo for being there. Of course not. But you guys still, though, you guys had Bulletproof Vests on. Yes. No, we made sure. We made sure. And so we're at this after, or it was the premiere party, rather. And so it's like a pool party slash premiere party. And Ireland was there. Ireland Baldwin. And she was... Arr! We all know how she is. But she's always got her fists up and ready to go. Yeah, because she's arming herself against her father. Ha ha!
So I remember I heard like, you know, because I'm cooking and shit, you know, I'm manning the party. And then I just hear Rambo barking like crazy. I'm like, I should probably check on this. Make sure it's not attacking Rue McClanahan or something. And then I see like Ireland Baldwin like pinned up against the wall and Rambo just barking at her like really intently. I'm like, oh my God. Ireland Baldwin. No. She's, you know, like. And she's like, oh.
Oh, how I wish. Oh, what a nice dog. Oh, so good. Are you the big fat chef there? Oh, so nice to see you. I'm just one of my daddy's little piggies. Yes, yes. I said, I'm so sorry about Rambo. I'm so sorry. And she said, oh, don't worry. She's like, I don't know why he's barking at me. I already gave him a cheeseburger.
Fed him an entire cheeseburger. Celebrities, they are not like a... They just don't understand that you can't feed a dog an entire sandwich. Yeah, she gave him a whole cheeseburger. And then set him off because he's never ate an entire cheeseburger before. No, no. If anything, I gave him just the burger. Of course. No bun, no cheese. You're not supposed to give a dog white flour. There was probably a bunch of onions and whatever in there. And condiments. Yeah, if I made it, it was, I mean, amazing. Of course. Filled with spices.
And that's how you rile up a dog. Absolutely. But, you know, we just, we love Rambo. He was a good boy. He really was. And you did such a great job. And he is, he's the only, the only place I believe there could be an afterlife for is animals. Yeah, you think so? Because we don't deserve a second run. I don't think there is. I'm pretty sure he's just dust. I haven't gotten the dust.
in the mail yet? Wait till the hummingbird comes. Yeah, I haven't gotten that yet. They mail that, huh? Yeah, they're going to mail it to me. Rambo's. And I remember the lady asked me if I wanted a paw print. And I remember it. I'm like, nah, I got... Because this last Christmas we did a paw print on a Christmas ornament. Yeah, that's really cute. Which is really nice. I'm like, nah, I don't want that. I got the alive one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I just hit this dead foot and put it in...
You know. Inclain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not romantic. No, I don't like that idea of you taking the corpse of my precious pet. It's not my dog anymore. No, it's meat now. It's a corpse now. Well, I'm glad that we all... Where should I scatter his ashes? Dude. Earwolf. Yeah.
Let's go. Just get booked. This is his last reissue. He just wanted to be on fucking Comedy Bang Bang. None of you guys would answer his fucking emails. We're throwing the fucking, you're getting these dog ashes, Scott Ackerman. I just show up and I'm like, who's your son? My character's a bereaved man who never got his son booked. So yeah, RIP Rambo. You were the best and I will replace you soon.
Great. And that's important to know. The truth is that I've said this to many people, and I definitely know that you have to have your feelings, and you will. You obviously process these, but I do believe that the best way to fix losing a dog is just...
Just get a new one. I gotta wait until Tootsie dies. I got an appointment for her to die in a couple weeks. So I think that'll happen. Oh, great, great, great. Blue Easter Colt's gonna play or whatever? He's gonna do a whole thing. They're all gonna come over and the guy's gonna be like, It's time for you to see the Reaper! That would be kinda cool. I immediately called my dog nanny and fired him. That was just like years ago. Sorry, I'm laughing. This is stuff about...
Yeah, you're out of a job. And he's like, all spatula set. All oven set. No, I'm sorry, sir. They already have their centers. All of the kitchenware is well taken care of. They're in my drawers. How about I just sit your weed, your piles and piles of weed. I mean, technically he does do that as well. Yes, he's becoming a little bit of that guy that used to roll joints for Snoop Dogg. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except he's, you know.
Not Asian. Way less paid, too. Yeah. Way underpaid. So, yeah. So anyone knows a good executioner for Tootsie, you let me know. We're actually sidestorieslpotlg at gmail.com. We're going to do a random poll for that. So if you send in as many emails saying you want to be the one to execute Tootsie, we will randomly choose. You just have to be within 100 miles of Los Angeles. Oh, also, just so people know, we did kill Rambo with an old vet.
You know, I made sure. We used an old vet to kill it. Yeah, I checked their ID. They were 62. It was across the border. Because in LA, you can never tell. They can be 25. They can be 89. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I checked the ID, and it was an old vet that killed Rambo. So we know that it was done properly. Well, thank you, Eddie. No problem. Thank you for being there for me, kind of. I was. You were there. It was fun. You came by. I came by.
You came by, yeah. We were there for the first vigil. Yeah, that's why I decided not to have a proper funeral for Rambo because he had one a year ago. We did the living funeral. Yeah, which is a great thing to do. I like it so much better. I'm going to have one. Yeah. It's made me decide I'm going to have a live funeral first. What, 65? Yeah.
Man, 58. 58? I think 59 when you can cash out the 401k. Is that the age? I think so. You have a 401k? We all do. We have a pension plan here. I don't. Yeah, you do. No one's told me about it. Oh, we'll see. I think I'm freelance. No, you're an employee. Yeah? You're my employee. You're fired. Great. You're hired. What? No. Back on staff. I don't agree.
All right, let's do some news. Let's do some news. Here for some side stories. Now, the reason why we have chosen this story first is because it's the funniest headline of all of them. It's very weird. It is very confusing. It took me like three read-throughs to actually understand what happened. I think that's because editorial writing is at its lowest it's ever been. But it is, this is a very funny headline. So here we go.
The bagpiper of Decatur dies in scuba accident, missing son's body found in treehouse. Okay. How do these come together? We don't know. This is where the mystery is, but it's pretty funny. So this is in Decatur...
Georgia. Georgia. This is on Georgia. I love Decatur. I have wonderful friends that live in Decatur. I have my friend Jenny, who is wonderful, effervescent costume department. We have Karen Freed, who have people that live out there and join their lives. Love Decatur. What are their actual addresses? 449 Marijuana.
Glane. Yeah, you do it there. Oh, yeah. So this guy named Henry France. He's awesome. I mean, we don't know. We don't know. He might have killed his son. We don't know. But I do like his existence. He's played the bagpipes for everybody. He's played the bagpipes for George H.W., Prince Charles, Jimmy Carter, and the Dalai Lama. And they all said stop. Yeah.
But no, they were so excited. He is a famous, he's the bagpiper of Decatur. So he was kind of known as a guy that would be, he was a local kind of hero. He would do all of these events, big funerals. Lots of cop funerals, I imagine. Oh, very much so. Lots of just straight up pub-based funerals. Anything that you need a bagpipe for. I don't think that Lieutenant Rodriguez really would have appreciated the, can we cut some of this, can we cut some of the glockenspiel?
I feel like maybe the tuba's a bit much. But I'd like to see a mariachi band show up to Sergeant O'Malley's. What a night. What a night that would be. I honestly think that they'd love it. If the first five Guinnesses, by the end, they're all going to be like, Ah, the Guantanamera. That's what I like. All right, there you go. Get your knees moving.
Henry Doyle colon France. Yes, Henry France Jr. So he was a known quantity. So what he did was that he was in and out. He did a bunch of different, you know, he was kind of known, but he was 74 years old and he was
Super energetic. And he did the thing that I we warned about on one of I believe it was a stream talking about the concept of when you go on vacation and believe you can do a bunch of stuff that you can't do normally. Oh, absolutely. But because you're on vacation. So he went scuba diving. He extended himself too far. He complained of severe exhaustion. All of a sudden, he wasn't with the scuba diving crew anymore. He was on vacation and he died there.
And so they went, they packaged up his body, they put it in a bagpipe, and they sent it back to Atlanta. But... That's one big bagpipe. Big old man's shape, France size bagpipe. Now, they said that they went... I don't really understand what led to the call, though.
So now, this was in Maui. Now they've been, the DeKalb County medical examiner said they're working on the confirmation of the guy. They're pretty certain that it's him. They're currently working on now this secondary investigation. So apparently, is that later on this day, now these apparently are not connected, but we don't know. This is on Henry France's phone.
Indicator. Indicator. Is that on March 16th, so he died on March 10th, he gets shipped back to Atlanta. Soaking wet. Soaking crazy. Honestly, kind of irresponsible. Because he's not an iPhone.
So they said apparently they went to his home to settle his affairs. His family did. And then on March 16th, they called the police and they said that there was a skeleton in our backyard treehouse. Cut to them talking about that there was a missing young man. Now, they said that their son...
Who went by the name of Henry Doyle Cole in France. Yeah. All right. He was missing for four years, they said. So the police were like, what? What are you talking about? So he's here. This is his skeleton. They're identifying his skeleton now. Right. Yeah. But there was no missing persons report filed by the family.
I had no idea that he was missing. The police had no idea that he was missing. The family kind of, we don't know this information yet. No one's really talking about how, so they were like, oh yeah, our brother's been missing for four years. Yes. And I guess he's been in here with the old porno mags.
Yeah, he's just been up in the treehouse decomposing. Yeah, hanging out with the robins and the sparrows, and they're picking his fucking flesh off his butt. Now, how clean was the skeleton? I guess it's not in the article. It sounds like he's been dead for the entire four years. Yeah. It sounds like he went up to the treehouse and never came back. Now, it's one of those, when I throw a temper tantrum and I go to my treehouse, that's when Natalie comes out with the broom.
pumps it on that she sometimes she'll knock on the wall because i go no you don't let me do my box car race yeah you know let me go down to the science thing you love that treehouse i love my treehouse i got my rifles up there i got my fucking all my stuffs up there all my my all my favorite things my fleshlight all my stuff where i'm me where i myself yeah is in the treehouse free time
That's, yeah, where Henry can be me. Free in the trees. I'm not being observed. Except for, again, squirrels and my neighbors and the people in my scope. Now, we won't know what happened or his connection to it because...
The secret died with him. Well, we're going to find out now. You think so? Well, they're going to find out if he had blunt force trauma, I guess. According to them, they're saying there's no sign, there's no obvious signs of injury or trauma. So it sounds like he died naturally up there, and I don't know if he just died of a broken heart. Do you think that little Debbie decided to not go with him to the junior prom? I'm actually not quite certain how. He was 28 when he went missing. Suicide by starvation?
That's super long, buddy. It is, but I mean, four years. I mean, we'll find out. We don't know when he died. What if he was super, super big and it took four years for him to starve? I don't think it took that long. How long does it take you to starve if you're really, really big? I'm going to go ahead and say...
two weeks but only if you have water no but i think that but i believe if you are like if you're bmi whatever that's like bullshit or not but i do believe you eat yourself a little bit yeah i believe if you're a certain level of obese you can actually live for a very long time but you are but you are unhealthy yeah and like you know your blood sugar could drop yeah and then you could die die of that yeah
All right, what do we got here? All right, it says here. Now, this is on bigboy.com. This is on bigfatman.com. Bigfatmanquestions.org. If you simply stop feeding someone any food, they will die within 8 to 12 weeks. But allow them to drink water. Hmm. Now, because your body cannot get 100% of what it needs from the stored fat, there are a lot of assorted proteins. Sure.
But what about when they're really big? Your organs will start to fail. Yeah. At 8 to 12 weeks? Yeah, sometime around. I'm surprised you last that long, to be honest. That's what I'm saying. I feel like it's just, wait, you just, like, you can go solid two months. I mean, in full disclosure, this is, this answer is on Cora. Right.
So this could be very wrong. No, Eddie, no. Only experts are allowed to answer on Quora. Don't you understand? I want to go to WebMD. Yes. The really reliable source. Yeah, yeah. The truly reliable source.
But this guy, I mean, like, we don't even know if he was involved in this or not. We have no idea. We don't know if he knew that his son was in a treehouse. Because if I had a treehouse and I'm in my 70s, I'm not going to the treehouse. Isn't it kind of interesting that this man who played all of these various police funerals, he himself seemed to be avoided these same investigations? And I wonder if it's a man on the inside. The bagpiper of Decatur was protected by the thin lines.
Ooh, that is very possible. How about this? How about his son's like, if you...
Don't stop playing those bagpipes. I ain't coming out of the treehouse. Well, if I ain't bagpiping, I ain't breathing. That's the only way I can breathe is bagpiping. And he tried to hold out. And he bagpiped longer than he could stay alive without eating. But also, think about it. Maybe he died by bagpipe. And he was trying to say, I'm going to play the bagpipe until you come out of the treehouse. And he's just up there just dying.
Two months, yeah. Humans die around two months. According to Wikipedia. Again, it's huge. Wikipedia says two months. Not just anybody can just change all the data in there. And there wasn't their one guy who claimed he lived off of sunlight? Oh, everybody. We've had their column. There's the, I believe it's, there's free energy. Dr. Plant. There's not airitarians. It's something like that. Sun eaters. They do a thing where they believe that they can just get everything they want from the sun, but they always end up, it turns out, secretly eating. Yes.
So this is a story we will find out. I don't think we will. I mean, I think this is it. Well, I think that they're going to dig in a little bit of how is a skeleton just sitting out and
And you guys all had to stink, right? Not necessarily. Like if he died quickly, depends on how, what season he died in. If he died in winter, if he died in the winter, it probably, you probably might not have smelled anything. I'm surprised like bears didn't get to him. Maybe that's again, maybe it's hard for bears to get in the neighborhood because of it's, you know, they're all in East Atlanta at Mary's. Oh yeah.
The bear brohood. Yes. Probably bugs then. Maybe. He was eating my bugs. Or I think that something fishy is happening and they are about to discover it. The fact that there was no missing persons report means something. That is why. Maybe he's like, I'm leaving and I ain't ever coming back. And they thought he went to Florida, but he really just went to the treehouse. Maybe they're a little bit of being like...
Henry III thinks he's gone. He's just sitting in the treehouse. They just don't even know that he's dead there. You know what I mean? Like, he's just up there in his treehouse, loving life. He must be super busy. No one's taking the cereal anymore. He didn't answer my text. So I don't know, but we will find out. The pipe band, though, they are mourning the loss of the bagpiper of Decatur for now until we find out if he was a serial killer. Who's going to play his funeral?
Oh shit. It's going to have to be that horrible, horrible Johnny symbols. Yeah. I hate that. On April 18th, sinners are coming from Oscar nominated filmmaker, Ryan Coogler, director of black Panther and creed starring Michael B. Jordan comes the motion picture event of the year. Twin brothers, smoke and stack both played by Michael B. Jordan returned to their hometown for a fresh start. Oh,
only to discover that an unspeakable evil is waiting to welcome them back. Don't miss the genre-bending thrill ride shot with IMAX film cameras. Sinners arrives only in theaters on April 18th. Rated R. Under 17. Not admitted without parent. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid, all in one place. Seems amazing, right? It's because it is.
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Alright, well we have, speaking of police funerals, we're losing a cop in North Bergen County, New Jersey. Now this story is one of those where, you know, if you took out
All the people doing it, and you took out the area where it was being done, and you put it in a movie. If it was a goofball comedy, this guy's hilarious. This is a Will Ferrell vehicle. Yeah. This is the funniest scene you've heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's real life. Yeah, and it was...
I believe he was a chief, a police chief. Now, New Jersey police chief is being accused of five of his officers of turning the, I believe it is the North Bergen Police Department into a so-called animal house filled with pranks,
defecating on the floors, spiking the office coffee pot with Adderall and Viagra, and then he jabbed an officer in the penis with a hypodermic needle. Now, I'm going to go ahead and say...
None of those are pranks. No. Those are all like random assaults. He would go, he'd send sex toys and gay pride flags to cops and then he would shift them the night shift if he doesn't like them to the people underneath him. Now, this is really seems to, it kind of apparently went out of control.
Yes, Chief Farley. Which is hilarious. His name is Chief Robert Farley. Now, there is a picture here that we're looking at that says Chief Farley's defecation, which was there was shit in.
onto a series of paper towels on the toilet so that people... Next to the toilet. Next to the toilet so that when they walked in the dark, they would specifically step on it. Yes. And he wouldn't let them clean it up because he said he wanted the maid to do it. Yes. Or the cleaners to come and do it. He wanted them to do it specifically. Now, they're saying here he has really been doing these so-called practical jokes for, I guess, for a couple of years now. And they're finally suing him. It's taken a long time to sue this man.
And it is just this picture. They have pictures of here, I guess, like in a funny little thing of him shaving his arm onto a bunch of paperwork of another fat officer, which is, again, funny. And it's not the other officer's fault. He's fat. He lives in North Bergen, New Jersey. That's what you have to be. Yes. No, no, no. Actually, there's a scale at the front, a county line.
There's a scale that you have to step upon in order to even be able to purchase a home in North Bergen. Now, these guys are, again, they think it's real funny. They do a thing where they shaved.
That's sort of funny. He microwaved a bunch of hot sauce and then it turned like radioactive somehow. Yeah. And then it stunk up the entire, everyone had to leave the police station because they thought it was actually sprayed by pepper spray. I think that if you did cook it in that way, it would turn into something like a pepper spray. He also put a ghost pepper on a hamburger that he fed to a one-year-old. Fuck.
Funny prank. What a funny guy. That's the chief of police. Also, like, one-year-olds aren't even supposed to eat hamburgers. They're just, like, not even in play. You know what I mean? They're not in play for pranks. They don't understand pranks. You can't get one over on an infant. They can't speak.
So I do like this one. This one I don't understand. He called it a quote-unquote prank. He said he was being chased around the office by Farley. He cornered me in a filing area with no further room for retreat. He then stuck a hypodermic needle through my jeans into the tip of my penis. Now, I don't know. I haven't seen that. I know Impractical Jokers is getting a lot of heat recently for the stuff that they've pulled off off camera, but I've never seen anything like this. But all right.
You have to let somebody do that.
You can't get chased around and then a needle go through your jeans. Yeah, you can. Jeans are thick. No, you can do it. He's jabbing at him with a hypothermic needle. For no reason. Yes. His penis is at the front of the penis. I think that this one, he was either being held down by other cops. That's possible. Or he let him do it. I just think you don't understand how thick your gut is to hide your penis. I don't think you could get me.
I don't think, like, with a hyper... Hyperdermic needle. Oh, I could stab your dick with a hypodermic needle. If I let you. If I'm moving around, I think you'd get my thigh, or you'd get my something else. I feel like he accidentally got the penis. Yeah, he got the penis. Yes, I'm not saying he was trying to aim for the penis. Oh, he definitely was aiming for the penis. Yes, but then he accidentally got the penis. Yeah, I think the chances of him getting a wiggling man's penis with a hypodermic needle through jeans...
Sidestoreslpotl at gmail.com. How would you get a moving man with a hypodermic needle? In the penis. In the penis. Through the jeans in the penis. What's your foolproof way of doing it? I think with the jeans would help snap the needle off without it ever touching your penis. No, you'd be probably snapping it off. Oh, yeah. No, it's not through the zipper. My penis hides behind my zipper. I think it's because, Eddie, I'm going to mean this in the nicest way possible. Peek-a-boo. I think that you and I have what you'd call...
We're growers. And I think that some people have more. I think some men have more than this. And I think that the penis then can cover more hittable area.
Well, here's the other thing that the people are saying about the whole situation is that they don't think the cops who are making the reports, they think they're just doing it because he cut their overtime. Well, it's that's sure. Probably the final straw. I don't. I think that it's all fun and games.
until you realize that he's also fucking with us so i think that's the problem is that they're all like they are suing him because he is just kind of they're talking to about him fucking with the schedules but it did sound like yes they were all laughing along when you're chief of the police one of his pranks is just a bunch of broken glass on someone's death yeah he threw a plaque at them and he was just like they laugh laugh you fucking pigs you like my intro but this you
You know what it is, Eddie, is that the problem truly is that he's chief of police. And I bet you, you do have to laugh along. Yeah. While you are trying to act as if everything's normal. And then it finally gets to a point where maybe now we can maybe stop this. But it does seem that he did turn it into his own playground. Yeah.
No, he's definitely a monster and he needs to be gone. But, again, what's one of my favorite movies? Super Troopers. So I do understand that cop-based shenanigans are funny to me, but only when they don't have real guns. Yes. That's it. This guy, I mean, who knows what his kill count is? I mean, God knows what he then does in his regular life. Yeah. But cops play pranks. It's what they do. But pranks should also be funny.
If you can help it. Well, I think goodbye. Goodbye. To this man. He's not going to be working. I think he's going to be fired. No, I don't think he can get any job after this. No. Not even like a Toys R Us. Unless, again, Joe Gatto is gone. Soon to be Mer's gone. I'm seeing a spot on Impractical Jokers for this guy. I'm seeing a spot.
Well, there's another prank in the news that I'm interested in. I don't know if it's a prank. Maybe it's not. But the article says it's a lot of pee. It's a lot of pee. Yeah. A man has no idea who is putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin. We don't. Or why? You see, we don't have a choice, guys. The amount of emails that were sent about this story ranged in the several dozen. Now, this is our burden.
People a lot of times ask, like, side stories. Is it just about people living quantities of things in places that they aren't normally? Yes. Yeah, it's a big part of it. These are side stories. It has become such a large part of our show, and I don't know why, because it just keeps happening. Now, this story is then sort of interesting, because you're talking about, like, this is six gallon jugs of hot piss. I'm counting eight. Yeah.
Yes. He put it in his recycling bin. Now, it went to get picked up by the recycling guy, and the guy stopped it because he said that this is a biohazard. Yeah. PP can't go in the garbage machine. Yeah, or especially the recycling machine. I did not know that PP can't go in any of these machines. You could put PP in the garbage. But also, can you? Yeah, sure. Why not?
So you mean to tell me if he just put this in the other... I think the problem is that it's a recycling. No, I think the problem is that it's a biohazard. They don't like you putting pee-pee in the garbage. I think everybody... Well, they don't like lots of things, but it doesn't mean I ain't doing it. How do you say this? I think that if you're throwing out gallons of piss and you have that wherewithal to save them in big, giant gallon jugs, I'd say dump them in the sewer or...
They want you to hide it, Eddie. They're like, lie to me. That's what they're saying. They're like, don't just like, yeah, piss all over the garbage. You're going to piss all over the garbage. That's something else. That's different. I can't see it. I don't think that you should. I think you should give more respect to our sanitation workers because of how hard they work. And you shouldn't be pissing all over these things. But I feel that this is not how you do this. What I don't truly understand is why save it?
pee goes into the ground so easily. Not for this guy. It sops into the street. It sops into the grass. This guy wants to see the piss and he likes having it. Since Rambo's been gone, I've been peeing outside in solidarity. Just for him. Just for him. So, you know, also so Tootsie knows that there's pee outside and she should go to the bathroom. Yeah. You know, but this guy, I'm not putting in jugs and saving it. No, you shouldn't be. It's going straight to the grass. If you were putting in jugs and saving it, I would call...
the mental hospital. I'd call, it's called, I'd get you Baker Acton. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about. Why? Save it. I don't know. All right. In a non-medical setting, according to Google AI, if a jug of urine doesn't contain visible blood, it could be safely disposed of by pouring the urine into a toilet or sink.
Just say toilet. Yeah. Don't say sink. Don't give people the idea. What do you mean if it doesn't contain visible blood that it's fine? It's fine. What does that even mean? You can put that in a toilet. Yeah. If you have a jug of bloody urine, though...
I think you got a lot more problems than storage. Do you think a bloody jug of urine is an orange or does it have like red, like mixed in, like floating around? I kind of see the red mixed in floating around kind of like, you know, those old ice cream cups. Yes. Those are delicious. I used to miss that. I miss those. I love them. You remember, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. With the little cherry syrup on the side. Yeah. Or strawberry syrup. Strawberry.
Yeah, yeah. Very good. That's the blood. That's the blood. That's the bladder blood. Now, do you think this is one person or do you think there's a team of people? Because this is a lot of pee. I believe that it might be, ah, it seems like it's a lot of pee from one person that has saved it over a long period of time. Okay. Now, I pee, like, you know, I take blood thinners. Yeah.
And I pissed like a motherfucking racehorse all night. Hell yeah. I pissed and pissed and pissed and pissed. I'm shocked at the volume of piss that comes out of me. I got a lot of pee pee too. And so I think that may be good. What's funny is that the guy also goes, he was caught on ring cam. Oh, the guy who did it. They've set up now several camping cams to try to catch him. This is a whole thing. So he's done this more than once. Yes. I think that the guy it's happened now so many times.
that he had to start pulling his bins in, right? Because he was sick of them going in there. And the guy just started dumping them in his neighbor's bins. And then he decided to say, oh, I'm going to reposition the bins so they are more able to be caught on camera. Yeah. And then when he did that, the guy moved the bins again because he decided that he knew he was being caught on camera. He showed up masked in a hoodie.
dropping off the piss. Now, I think that this is a revenge scheme. I think that this man has pissed off somebody. Could, obviously. Could this man be the culprit himself? You think the call's coming? You think the piss is coming from inside the house? Yes. I don't know. I don't think, I don't know if it actually, take it back. Not yes. I don't know. I don't know. I think that this is somebody that knows this person. Yeah. This is some form of revenge.
This is a revenge for something that this person has done and we don't know what it is. I don't know if it's a piss-based crime. I don't know if it's a fart or poop-based crime. Yeah. I don't know whether or not it's because he had sex with his wife or he had sex with his daughter. But the only thing I will say is that this P, vengeance. We need to think about this because, you know...
You know, I even say eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Piss for a piss makes everything absolutely covered in piss. And that's not a bad thing. Yes, it is. But depending on what you like. The PP, Pasadena PP man, whatever happened to him? Did they catch him? Is that happening again? He just kind of, he got caught, got, again, too much heat. Too much heat. Too much heat. This could be a copycat piss bandit. Honestly, I'm going to put this more so. Unfortunately, I'm going to put this in parallel thinking.
I don't think that this is a Carlos Mencia thing. I think that this is somebody that I think everybody's just thinking about this. Do you know that when I was on probation, my probation officer told me that I had the hottest piss of anyone on probation. That's flirting.
It was. It does seem kind of flirty. That's flirty. I told him. Hot piss. Yeah. Long dick. And you're like, no, sir. Actually, you know, maybe I'm wrong. It turned out it should be the opposite because then it's the less time the piss can cool in the dick. Yeah. The shorter your penis, the hotter your piss. Oh, yeah. So maybe I was hurting by making my urine so hot.
Sorry, next time I'll bring it in at 185. You ever do that thing when you go to Starbucks and you see a coffee and they go like extra hot? Yeah, how do you do that? I don't know, they're horrible. People who do that are maniacs. Do you know that if you microwave a coffee cup from Starbucks, you're putting microplastics into it because the coffee cups are actually lined in plastic? Oh, of course. That's why I do it. Oh, okay, good. I do it just to get closer to my laptop.
Now, that is the, yes, that was one pee-pee-based story. We have one poo-poo-based story because they come together. And so, unfortunately, so we're just going to leave that at that. That mystery, it's not going to get fucking solved. Also, very surprised that garbage men look inside the can before they take. You never got a ticket? No. In my old apartment. Again, this is in Portland, which makes sense. I believe the other one was, you know, the other one was in Pasadena, P-Towns. Both after P? Yeah.
Yeah. Both towns start with the letter P. Oh, yeah. Watch out, Pittsburgh. And Poughkeepsie. Watch out, Punxsutawney. Oh, my God. They're coming. Piss is coming to you, Palermo. We got to be careful. But no, it's not going to get cut. So you guys, so many of you get so angry when we go into the poo-poo pee-pee territory sometimes. But again, this is our burden. Mm-hmm.
We don't have a choice. This is what we are paid to report. This is the news. If you don't understand how important it is for us to say, because if you don't get this information from us, you're going to get it from somebody who's going to get it wrong. Yeah. And I think it's important for you to get it from us. Yeah. And like, what do you want us to talk about the government? No.
You don't really want us to talk about the government. No, we talk about piss and poop here. No, but sometimes we do talk about the government, but largely... But only when they commit crimes. Yeah. Bad crimes. Big crimes. Better crimes. Interesting crimes. Interesting crimes. Not boring, important crimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, this story is really just about a man's ability, and what I call this is the first human squid I've heard of. A man by the name of Deepak. He's a 27-year-old phone thief from Delhi, India.
Apparently. Now, this is another. I want to say he's bringing it back to old Delhi with this activity. According to Delhi police spokesperson Deepak, he evaded arrest multiple times by doing what he can only do. I guess it's his superpower.
He can shit his pants on command. Now, he said that not only could he shit his pants on his command, but the poo-poo is so offensive and so effective that the police have abandoned their arrest efforts several times and have just let him go. And so he's done this several times. He's able to shit himself off.
On a moment's notice. Yes. And that is incredible. Very impressive. Much as we all do. Much as the octopus camouflages itself from hunters. Much as the chameleon camouflages itself from hunters.
And this is squid. This is squid activity. He's squidding himself. Yeah. And then he just gets to be scot-free, but not his pants. His pants, they're covered in smeared old dookie. He was doing this for a while, and then the cops who...
arrested him came prepared with masks and gloves. They were like, all right, we're getting this fucker today. We know. All right, we're getting covered in shit. This is what we're doing. Now, I want to know in that in that place. So Eddie was bringing this up. Maybe this is a good place to talk about just sort of the nature of this, where in my mind, just being in
In India in general, right? I've seen these videos, right? I watch all the street food videos. They're all part of things that get sent to me. My thing is that if you can control the flow of diarrhea in India, you might as well be Magneto. It's very impressive. Because the flooding river of diarrhea that must... Has there been a solid poo-poo in India before?
It's possible. Ever. I don't know. Maybe the guy who, you know, only ate sunlight. Yes. He'd probably do some pellets. Yeah, yeah. He probably has some pellets. Now, I just want to know, is this inappropriate to joke about? Because we want to know, it's like, yes, when we eat Indian food in America...
It affects my belly. Well, it's all butter and hot sauce. Yeah. I mean, I don't have a chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they'll tell you. Yeah. It doesn't stick in me well. No. It fucking... Man.
blasts out of me. Yeah, it tastes very good. It's like I didn't eat it. It's very delicious. It's like I just bought Indian food and threw it in the toilet bowl. Yeah. So my question is that do we all have this reaction? Well, I do find that when I pay a little more and I go to a nicer spot
The shits are better. Buddy, you remember we went to, we had that nice dinner with Marcus. We went to a fancy Indian place. It was very fancy. And it was a, I've never been, cause I like a mom and pop Indian place way more than I like a fancy Indian place. And when we went in there. Yeah.
Dude, I might as well have ate at fucking old Jabbar's chutney spot. I blew out my fucking asshole for two days. Marcus loves Indian food. He loves Indian food for the man who's got the thinnest pipes of all of us. Well, he does have a bloody ass sometimes. I know, but that's because he's British.
It's all the British blood. British people love Indian food. I know, but you don't think it blows out their assholes? Do you remember how good the Indian food was outside of Snowtown and that gas station? Dude, that was exceptional. Wasn't that crazy? That blew our minds. That was really nuts. That was really crazy, but I've had very good food. But maybe that's inappropriate, but I don't know. Sidestories, LPOTL at gmail.com. Does it affect us all like this? Is it gmail.com or gmail.com? Gmail.com. If you could, because again, I just wonder if...
Is Imodium the only thing they need? If we pumped Imodium into the water, would that change things? Give it a shot. I don't know. I guess some people get diarrhea from anything. I'm always so surprised how small an Imodium is and how much work it can do. The key is, that's why, you know, my best way to take it. Nasally. Oh, nasally. You rail it, you bump it. You gotta snort that shit. You gotta snort that shit. Especially when you're on the... A little key bump of Imodium? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You wanna bump? Fly from your plane.
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Now, this next story I want to cover real quick because this is one of my favorite stories in the type of stories that we cover, which is a story that makes you think and understand that your most paranoid, horrible, scared thoughts could be real. Okay. It's one of my favorite things because it's important to remember sometimes horror enters your life and it's kind of fun in a way if you're detached enough with Zoloft and Weed.
Now, this is a great... That's where you gotta get to. Yeah. Now, this is a great story. A babysitter checks under a child's bed for Monster, and what she finds...
is one now this is they all say here i love all of these all the openings to the articles about the story of federal like monsters under your bed aren't real you don't be like yeah we know we fucking know but it wasn't a monster it's just a man yeah it's just a man looking to rape murder now this is a guy this is on monday 10 30 p.m 27 years old just as old as our indian pooper
How many months is that? I want to know how many months our Indian pooper. Forever 27, baby. Yeah, but another member of the 27 Club. And how many months is 27 years? 324. That's 324 months.
So, yeah, Martin Villalobos Jr., he was found underneath a child's bed inside of Kansas. Now, this is in Topeka, Kansas, known for another favorite bedroom time snooper, Mr. Dennis Rader, the BTK. This is a guy that like, you know. This could be a copycat. Well, it started off as one. Now, this is one of those things as a babysitter. This is a good prompt.
for an email. This is an actual good prompt for an email. Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Do you have a scary story as a babysitter with kids? Because kids on the whole are just kind of frightening. Now, the idea of you're a babysitter.
You don't give a fucking shit. You're probably stealing whiskey. You know what I mean? Ordering pornos on the DV there. I don't know. Having boys come over and rail you on the couch. Oh, and the other guys are watching you and the basketball coaches, they're watching them rail you and everybody's putting money on you. Smoking in the kitchen. All that stuff. I know how paper centers are. I've seen all the movies. I've seen the documentaries. Fucking breaking the garbage disposal. That's all you do. Right. And,
And so you're there enjoying your babysitter time. And then the little kid comes downstairs and says, there's a monster under my bed. And your job is to be the bravest person in the house, even though you're 20 years old and you have to go up there and you check under the bed. And normally it's nothing. But then you find some this fucking guy.
there, right? Which shows that the kids were correct. Yes. Which is, again, also horrible because that's going to, his kid's going to be destroyed. But he ran away and he didn't do anything. No, but it seems that his relationship to the children, we don't know yet. We do believe that he was having some issue with
at the house he said according to him according to martin via lobos jr he used to live at the house but a protection from abuse order was issued against him which said that he was not supposed to be on the property and so he was obviously had some problem with somebody else in the house we don't really know what his relation was to everybody else so he was there to do something fucked up and then when he was discovered you don't think he just missed the house
I think that if you miss the house, didn't you want to sit in the living room? It's true. You don't really need to be underneath a child's bed sleeping. No.
Maybe it was the shoes sticking out from the bottom of the bed. I think that's what's hardest. She thought at first maybe the bed had fallen and it had crushed a witch. But no. No, no. It's a man here to kill us all. Like, he's just here to fucking suck. Yeah. And fucking suck. Yeah, no, he definitely looks dangerous and scary. Yep. He looks tired. He's got the bags under the eyes, which look like, you know, I'm about to commit a crime eyes. You know, I'd say, you know. He does have...
I'm about to commit a crime, eyes. Yeah. But they charged him with aggravated kidnapping, aggravated burglary, aggravated battery, child endangerment, felony obstruction of the law enforcement officer. You're pretty upset with it. A violation of protection from abuse order. He's being held on $500,000 bond.
You know, and he deserves it. And we're going to, I guess, we'll probably not come back to the story because it seems to be pretty cut and dry. Cut and dry. You just don't do that. Yeah, no, no, no. Don't do that. If you want to see your kids, you do it the way the court wants you to do it with the judge there. Yeah. All right. There was an altercation and then one of the children was knocked over by Villalobos when they, when he fled the scene. So he didn't like, I guess he was about to do something horrible, but he didn't get to do it. Yes. Thank God.
I mean, for us, it's kind of sad because it's less story for us to cover. But for the kid, it's great. Yeah, for the kid, it's great. And you know what? We covered it anyway. You know what? That's what's nice. We got stuff out of it. That's good about us. We didn't have to wait for someone to die. The child didn't need to get caught up into confetti for us to make a bunch of great, sick jokes about this. Yeah, so we still covered it. And that shows growth on our part. But also next time, if we're going to do something like that, knock them out.
So that we have more to talk about. Well, I have a story that I really want to make sure we get to today. Yeah. And this is like, it falls right in our wheelhouse. I don't know if you read the whole article or not, but it really fucking, this whole thing blows my mind. I kind of knew that this was happening, but I didn't realize it was happening quite like this. I got this from the Washington Post online.
which I know is behind a paywall. And if you ever wanted to read a Washington Post article, go to archive.ph and then slap the link of the article in there and you can read whatever you want. You don't have to pay for the Washington Post because fuck Jeff Bezos and the Washington Post. But this article was great. It's about...
An orca gang. Yeah, this is like another behavioral thing. Yes. But this is different than... Because the boat thing with the yachts, that's cool. But that's a fun thing that orcas are just doing to occupy their time. This is like a straight up murderous gang. An orca gang is hunting great white sharks off the coast of South Africa. See, this is like...
For me, unfortunately, this is like rooting for the Zizians. You know what I mean? Where like, I like great white sharks. I love great white sharks. You know, the idea that I'm ganging up on the great white sharks just to eat their livers and then discard them makes me really sad. I agree. It is very sad, but I find it fascinating more than I'm rooting for anybody. Sure, I get it. You know, all right. So the orcas, it's a pair of orcas, males. Their names are Port Inquisitor.
and starboard because their fins bend in opposite directions. That's cute. The great whites, they have been apex predators in the waters outside of Cape Town for what must be hundreds of years. Yes. Are now being hunted in mass by these two orcas. Seven gill sharks and great white corpses have been mysteriously washing to shore over the past decade with almost surgical cuts of
On their bellies and their livers removed. Well, the livers, when they eat, a lot of animals, including us, humans as well, like what they talk about when you do, when you're hunting in the wild, I learned all this from Malone. Yes. That's the only thing I know this from, is that the liver is extremely nutritious. Yes. It's nutritious dense. And then when you, normally when you are in the wild and you kill a wild animal, that is the first thing that you eat. Eat. Eat.
Yes, because it goes bad and you get so much from it. It's powerful. That's why we love liverwurst sandwiches. I love liverwurst sandwiches. Anything that turns food into a paste, I like. See, I think you're more like these orcas than you think. I'm not saying I'm not. I'm just saying I'm denying the part of me I find problematic. At first, they thought it was humans because humans use shark liver as bait when they're going shark fishing.
Which is sad. Which is very sad. It was extremely unusual for orcas to hunt this close to shore. They usually hunt in deeper water. But they're thinking that the reason they're doing this, not only because they develop a taste for great white shark liver, but because the overfishing in South Africa has taken less fish in the deeper water and has pushed them closer to shore. Jesus Christ. Yeah.
So when the two, they attack, they usually do it together. They rake the sides of the predators. And if you remember from the SeaWorld episode, raking is when they scratch their teeth across the side of them. Yeah. Because they'll find like, it looks like a rake. You got scratched with a rake.
You know, and it scratches the side and they bite their fins and then ram their bellies and slice open their stomachs, removing the liver and discarding the rest of the corpse. They don't eat anything else. They just eat the livers. Now, I know what you're saying.
That's not that big. It's just a liver. I bet you it's huge. It's one-third the size of a great white shark. Yes, they know that it's in there and they like it. And it's the thing that is literally giving them a great deal of nutrients. And I bet it's the thing that's causing them to thrive, too. So they like it. Yeah.
This has been witnessed by humans several times now. Port and Starboard had even shown the livers that they have retrieved from great whites to humans on boats, almost like they're showing off or bragging about their kills. That's crazy. I find it interesting because they really do. Because you know what it is? These animals, they're so...
They're community animals. So they actually even look, I bet you, we are just like part of that. If they're not actively hunting us to eat us, it's like we're part of the crowd. No, they like us. Yes. Especially in the wild. They think we're fun. They think we're their boys and shit. And, you know, I would like to be.
You would. But marine biologist Allison Towner said they can handle a great white shark and shuck it like a muscle. Just tear it open and slide out the liver and discard the rest. Oh, wow. Well, we'll see how this continues. Like, I feel like this is going to be one of those things where at some point it will be like...
We'd have to probably do something to stop it if they keep killing all these. There's no way to stop it unless you kill these whales, and I don't think they're going to do that. Listen, electrocute the ocean. The ocean, yes. So this happens so often that the great whites have not even been in these waters as much as they have been before, and it's a sure sign of overpopulation on Seal Island. You know Seal Island? Oh, yeah. Yeah, right off the case of... It's got its name because it's covered in seals. Yeah. But Seal Island...
has become overpopulated because all the great whites have left. And now they don't know what to do with all these extra seals. I guess we electrocute the oceans. Or you get more orcas. That's what I'm saying. Electrocute the oceans. What we need is throw other things that seals can eat in there than things that eat the seals. So what we need to do is anacondas,
mixed with... Anacondas. Chihuahuas. Anaconda chihuahuas? No. That's just a normal snake. No, I'm saying throw chihuahuas in the water for the seals. You get buckets of chihuahuas to drop them in the water to chum up for the seals. Yeah. And then we get the anacondas to eat the seals. Then we get men to hunt the anacondas. This is a bad idea. Have you ever seen Air Jaws?
Yes. Yeah, so the air jaws takes place in the same area. Yes, I remember air jaws. This is the one part of the world where great white sharks regularly breach because they're attacking the seals from underneath. It's one of the coolest documentaries that we ever saw. I remember that. Well, this is becoming a thing of the past.
because this is where they do it. They breach occasionally in other parts of the world, but this is the part of the world where they breach all the time. So we are not going to see great white shark breaches anymore because they're being chased out of this area by this orca gang. So we need to bring machine guns down there and we need to kill the orcas and have the great whites go. I feel like that. I know that sounds really simple, but it is. And it's that easy, right? Like, and I don't think it's going to have that big of an effect.
If we just rake the ocean with automatic weapon fire. There are people who would probably be on your side because Great White Shark tourism is a major industry in False Bay, which is next to Cape Town. And they are not showing up anymore. And so now the Great White Shark tourism industry is starting to suffer. That's when it really...
with these orcas don't understand. Once you start fucking with these guys' bottom line, then it's going to start because they're going to figure out how to make orca burgers and orca fries and orca stew. You better be careful, orcas. It's too much mercury. You can't eat orcas. At all? Oh, no, you get sick. And then if a child eats it, they'll get big heads and stuff. It's real bad. In 2016, they found... It's not funny. I don't know why I'm laughing.
There's no reason for me to laugh. In 2016, when this is all starting, they found 27 gill corpses, seven gill shark. They found 20 of them and they were like, okay. They assume there's a lot more because shark corpses usually don't wash to shore. They usually sink, especially when they got a big hole in their belly.
Yeah. In 2017, they found their first great white body that was missing a liver about 35 miles from False Bay. And then four more were found in the coming months. So they can only assume that the bottom of the ocean there is just littered with fucking great white corpses. No, no, no.
Man, those fucking starfish and shit are eating good. Yes. Oh, absolutely. That's who's eating good. They're loving it. The people on the ground. That's going to be the fun. They start coming on shore and they're fucking the size of goddamn buildings. And then we learn. Well, hopefully they'll start about the size of probably a golden retriever or something. And then that will be the other animal that we'll eat. We'll figure out how to have starfish burgers and starfish roast and starfish...
soup and starfish nuggets. And chocolate starfish. That's my favorite. You ever been eating ass and you think, hey, where's my salt and pepper? But yeah, so we got some true murdering orcas. Sorry, I stole a bit from, that was me becoming Earthquake. Yes. Um,
Guys, I don't even know if everybody knows Earthquake. I love Earthquake. He's honestly the only reason to stay on Twitter is to read Earthquake's Twitter. There's literally no reason to stay on Twitter. Honestly, if you want to do Goodbye Earthquake, rent his comedy special. It's really good. Yes, it's fantastic. Grilled starfish. That looks rough. I need it. Rob's showing pictures of grilled starfish. What does it say that it tastes like? It says they find it off-putting. Yeah, I'm not ready.
I'm not ready. I think it needs to be braised. I don't think this is a fresh catch grill. I think that this needs to be... I'm saying right now, side stories also, chefs out there, has anybody eaten starfish? Side stories, lpotl at gmail.com. Am I wrong in saying I believe the best way to eat it is in nugget form? I'm sure. Or fritter form. Fried, yeah. Yeah, fried. Because you've got to get all the barnacles and stuff off, whatever the spikes, you've got to get those off. I have no idea what's inedible. I think you cut out the teeth, you cut out, it's like...
I don't think they have tits. Can you milk a starfish? Let us know. SideStory's lpltl at gmail.com. I'll milk my fucking, show you my fucking starfish. The last thing I will say is 70% of all sharks are under threat from overfishing. Climate change has altered the swimming routes of many fish, and underwater nets to protect swimmers on beaches have also claimed the lives of many sharks. Yes. So now the orcas are finishing the job. Hey, so this is, we're going to see how this all leads. Definitely not.
The total calamity. There's no way. Also, I was being satirical about shooting the orcas. Oh, yeah. No, I know that. But unfortunately, people don't. And I was going to say it. I realized I was having a good time talking about how fun it would be and imagining shooting the ocean and zapping the ocean and doing all that kind of stuff because that's fun for me. Yes. But you just never know. You know, Jacques Cousteau used to bomb the ocean. Yes.
He would throw dynamite into the ocean and kill large amounts of fish. And that was before we knew that was bad. I know it seems weird to say that we didn't know that was bad. He was just like, I try to make...
a wonderful experience yeah the magic in a mystery of the water go down and the best part is you are down in the bottom of the water and you see the little crab you see the angular fish and the first thought you have is what if i could make them explode thank god i brought my dynamite you think you ever brewed mcclanahan
You think Jacques Cousteau? Maybe. If she was anywhere near that fucking sub. He definitely shot that harpoon into that...
Screaming Gulch. Honestly, Eru McClanahan's lovely, and that is one picture of her tit. Great work. We don't know if that's her tit. That is a black and white tit on its own. We do not know if that's hers. Oh, wait a second. I believe that's actually the corpse of Marilyn Monroe. Well, let us just move on. We have some listener emails. All right. Now, someone says here, I just wanted to talk about last week,
Saran Wrap. Okay. And Dom's accidentally killing people in Breathplay. Now, what I liked was this. This was an immediate response that I was like, exactly. This is exactly what I wanted to hear, which is at first, remember we were talking about
Like, maybe she didn't know what to do. She panicked. He died. It was clearly an accident. It was an accident. But why is she then going through all of this? Like, what's the crime essentially about this? Straight up. There is just straight. There is like literally within character a way to do this in which, according to one former dom, I worked in a dungeon with a collection of mostly other pro doms.
some pro subs, you know, people, and there was many people who had the fantasy being wrapped up in Saran wrap, right? It's very, very common. Plastic wrap, please. We don't want to get sued by the Saran company. No, honestly, they love it because it actually boosts sales.
So they're like, people get interested. And so they said here, like we said, we had to use these industrial warehouse Saran wrap devices to wrap guys all the time. This is what they wanted. At least a couple of times a week, someone would come in wanting to be wrapped in Saran wrap. So first of all, it's super common. Yes. Second of all, the lady, this poor girl is too dumb to function as a pro dom. According to this dom, um,
I feel like a natural selection just took her out because, yeah, they all want stupid shit that can't actually happen in reality. Yeah. And it's your job as the professional and as the dominant to make boundaries and say, no, you dumbass. I'm not going to kill you. Don't be an idiot. I need to walk you out of here alive. And guess what you've done then? Not only have you...
saved your life, saved this person's life, but you've also made them re-horny by yelling at them. Repeat customers are best. You want to milk them. You don't want to just, you know, you don't want to want it done here. Absolutely. So according to this Dom, okay, so I'm not going to literally cover your mouth and nose until you can't breathe. Now I would cover the bottom half of your face and then just the top half of your face. So they felt very tight and compressed. Honestly, I think most of them just didn't get enough
hugs as children, and they want to be swaddled, but in a dangerous way. This is also, this according to the- But this is coming from a professional, though. Yes. The lady who did this- Was brand new. She had never done BDSM before. But it's also important why conversations about this type of play need to be slightly more normalized. Yeah. It has to be, because it's so common, we have to kind of break out of this idea that it's a fringe world. It's actually really not-
It's huge. So there needs to be, in those worlds, more open conversation about how you do these things. Because I do think that's what she's saying, is that every guy who arrives, and I'm sorry I'm just using man as the fucking base here, but let's just face the facts. And they come in there and their rock-hard penis is they're making the decisions. They are not going to be super rational. Like they are, you gotta, the problem is that erection.
Yeah. You got to eliminate the erection. I also. By getting him to comb his pants by doing other things. I think freshman year of college, mandatory sex ed. Now, I know we get sex ed in like seventh grade or whatever, but I'm saying once you get to college and you're over 18. There should be a next level. Sex ed's like teaching you how to fuck, how to do BDSM, and how to do all these things. That way we don't get situations like this. Can I ask though, who teaches this?
Is it like, is it just some guy show up? Like, you know, like, is it Mia Khalifa teach it? Husband and wife combo? Maybe? Like, now we're into Monty Python. That's the meaning of life. That's what the sketch is. Remember the meaning of life? No, I never saw it. Was John Cleese fucking a weird one? It's actually, it's really strange because he's like, you ever notice those old tiny sketch things, especially British, when they get like,
It's almost... It's not that it's not sexy at all, but nudity for me, like, takes the sex out of it. Yeah. It takes the comedy out of it. You know what I mean? Where, like, as soon as there's, like, a naked woman... Well, an airplane when the boobs came by. Well, that's different. That's very funny. That's different, but that also didn't really register as funny to me as a boy. Oh, it registered funny to me. See, I was just like...
That was like the first, but I remember feeling it. That was like the first pair of boobs I ever saw was in the movie repossessed. Have you noticed that boobs in horror and comedy has been totally replaced by dicks? Well, cause it's, it's a pendulum swing. Literally. I know. I know. It's a pendulum swing. I feel like again, we need equal amounts.
Every time there's dits, there should be dick. Every time there's dick, there should be dits. Amen. I think that strip clubs should have both male and female strip clubs. I'm totally fine with it. Let's party. Because then everybody can take a break. Yeah. If you're not into this next one, go take a break. Yeah, go hit the salad bar.
Salad bars that need to make a hardcore comeback in a big way, but elevated. Yeah. Elevated. We need stations. Boobie Tuesdays. Boobie Tuesdays. Ooh, that's amazing. Eddie, write it down. I'm singing in the microphone. I gotta write nothing down. Well, someone's gonna take it. But that was really it. That was all that really is to say is that technically the dom is in charge and they need to do it. Mm-hmm.
And the reason I said husband and wife team is I actually had, when I went to Catholic school in fourth grade, there was a husband and wife team that came in and gave us sex ed talks. Did she suck his dick and stuff? No, but they let us curse, I remember. That's just so you get some of the horniness out. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I think they need you to do that. But I remember enjoying them. I thought they were great. Oh, so this is also the difference between, so this is the difference between manslaughter, which is also pertaining to the same story. Okay, great. Yeah.
It's figuring out... Careful. I'm fine. Now, this is one of those where you have to find out. There's certain words, right?
purposefully intended for the act to occur knowingly, practically certain that the act would occur recklessly was aware or should be aware of the risk that the act would incur negligently was unaware of the risk that the act could incur. So first degree murder purposefully kill. They have premeditation, but technically there's a looser standard here. It can just be straight up. I got into a verbal altercation. I, uh,
I went, got my gun, came back, shot you. That can be, that's as base as first degree murder can be. Okay. Right? Second degree murder. Knowingly kill, no premeditation. Verbal altercation, have gun on you. Okay. Kill someone in the middle of verbal altercation, second degree murder. Okay. All right. Then there's also second degree murder, but with reckless, with extreme indifference to human life. Okay. Like throwing a brick off an overpass onto a car.
and somebody dies as a result. That is what you'd call reckless indifference. That's second degree. That's not an accident. No, not at all. You're purposely doing something that you know that's wrong. Manslaughter, which is a reckless act.
that causes another death. Shooting a gun into a ceiling and accidentally killing the upstairs neighbor. And then there's negligent homicide. That seems the same to me, to be honest with you. Well, this is what we're saying, is that negligent homicide... Throwing a brick over an overpass and then shooting a gun in the air equally is reckless, in my opinion. But this is where you get into the... But it's about how you travel, and it's all these things that you would put together in court, right? Second-degree murder, I imagine it goes over because they...
got the cinder blocks to go to the overpass. They chose the overpass to go to. They set up a time to go to it. They knew that they were going to do this to cause chaos. You can be in a passionate moment. You can reasonably argue that you were in an impassioned moment and you fired a gun in your own home that then accidentally killed somebody, which then could have become manslaughter.
So you know what I mean? It's all about all the circumstances that lead to everything. Or if you're watching like a show in an old timey saloon and the chick's showing her garter and you're like bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. But there's someone on the roof. Absolutely. Naturally. You're in trouble. Yes. That's why I don't watch saloon films anymore. That's why I can't get her gun. It's not allowed in our home. Yeah. And I tell Julie, stay off the roof. Please. I'm playing with my gun right now. Hey, this is my time.
And so in the case of the OnlyFans model, she could be easily charged with either manslaughter as a reasonable person would know that wrapping another head in saran wrap could lead to death, but disregarded the risk. However, there is a case that wrapping another's head in saran wrap could be extreme indifference for human life. However, the bar for extreme indifference is both quite high and both the intent and acting to be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. The fact that the guy is asking for the
the action to be done also affects her reaction. It's very much an accident. It's very much an accident led by because of her ignorance. I wasn't going to say stupidity, but it's ignorance. No, it's... I would...
You know what, Eddie? A lethal combo? I'd say a combo of the both. Because in the end, just because he's horny doesn't mean he's immortal. So just remember that. Live every day knowing that. That's one of the most important lessons I've ever learned. I live, I know every day, no matter how horny I am, I can't do something and it almost kills me that will make me shoot. Because you know why? I laugh thinking about people that need to be joked while masturbating. Because me, honestly, I masturbate normally in about 30 minutes and 30 seconds. I was going to say.
30 minutes. And I'm done. It is in and out of me. We're too busy for that, buddy. It doesn't even matter. Just get me out of there. And then I laugh myself to sleep. Yeah. Knowing that I didn't have to dance on the razor's edge of death in order to have a nice time. A little chuckle slumber. That's me. Oh, man. Well, we're hitting the road.
We are. That's right. Last podcast on the Left Proper is coming to Detroit on April 18th. We're going to be at the Masonic. Please come check that out. That's going to be a blast. I'm not fucking around. If you're in Detroit, you all know it's one of the best venues in this fucking country. Come out. See us do the show. It's going to be a special goth night. There's going to be a lot of good looking people there. And you know what? It's Good Friday.
Gross. Isn't that great? More like great. More like gross Friday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's because, you know, all the Italians that killed Jesus, you know, they named it. From next year, they were all talking to each other. They're like, hey, remember when we killed that fucking loudmouth? That was a good-ass Friday. That was the funnest day of my life. I love watching him scream and wriggle.
Yeah, I'd do it again if I could. Hated him like a painting we did. Invasive Species Tour with Side Stories is coming back to Florida. I just had a very successful run. It was wonderful. North Florida ain't ever going to be the same. But I'm coming to...
May 6th, I'm going to be in Naples at the Off the Hook Comedy Club. And then May 7th and 8th, I'm going to be with Henry doing side story shows. On the 7th, we're going to be in Fort Lauderdale at the Dania Improv. And then on May 8th, we're going to be in Orlando at the Funny Bone. The first show sold out. You got to get tickets to the late show now only. We're going to have fun. And then right after that, the next day, I'm flying all the way to Key West and from...
May 9th through the 11th, I'm going to be at Key West Comedy with Lisa Correo and Kevin Skeeney. And that's going to be a lot of fun. Lisa Correo is wonderful. She's unbelievable. She's a great comedian. Yeah, it's going to be a blast. So come check out those shows. We've got some surprises for that. But also, Henry and I are going to be doing a Side Stories Live at
Dad's Garage in Atlanta. That's going to be on June 29th. The 7 o'clock show sold out, but the 9.30 show still has tickets, so make sure you go and get your ass there. Yeah, we're going to have so much fun, and we're going to be fucking around the entire time. Come to Contacting Desert 2025, May 29th to June 2nd. We are going to be there all weekend. We're going to be doing a big show. We haven't figured out quite what we're doing there, but we're going to be doing something big there. We're going to be doing a couple shows. Yeah, so just come. Come to the weekend. You're going to watch
Hang out, learn. It's a fun weekend. It's crazy. It's the only time I'm willing to learn like I'm in school again. It's very funny. But also, you know what I'm going to say to our people that come out?
We gotta hit that pool, yo. Yes! When we come out there, we gotta turn this shit into a fucking party. Yeah, you big boys, I'm talking to you. I wanna see them titties. We need to get out there, yo. We gotta go fucking to these pools. We gotta show these nerds how it's done. We're the right nerds for this festival. We need to take it back. And you know where else I wanna see these man boobs at? Where? Crying Wave at the Sea. Oh, we will.
That's for certain. That's going to be November 3rd through the 7th, sailing out of Fort Lauderdale on Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines. That's the Crime Wave. Go check that. Yeah, it's crimewaveatsea.com. Buy the tickets. That's another one that's going to be, again, it's going to be fucking hilarious. It's going to be crazy. I have no idea what we're going to do, and I guarantee we're going to have at least...
Two true crime stories come out of this. Yes. Weekend. Yeah, it's going to be, we're going to be on the boat. And we're there. Did you see that story about what's his name? There was like the band leader, the legatee that jumped off the cruise ship. No. His wife, I forgot what it was in. Save it for the show. He was in like Rat or something. I forgot what it was. Rat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was doing this like toy.
He was literally doing what we were going to do on a cruise ship. He's doing like a show. And then his wife that he brought jumped off the stern the first night. And then I guess he just kept playing. I mean, you know, show must go on. Yep. Kimberly Birch. Faster Pussycat. That was right. Oh, wow. Faster Pussycat. Okay. You ever see this band? No, I never even heard of them before. Well, one guy's wife's dead. Oh, off a Royal Caribbean cruise. I bet it's the same boat. Wow. Great. Oh, no, no. Hey, no. She's refreshing. Yeah.
Guys, thank you. I'm surprised she didn't float. Well, she might have for a while. Now, guys, thank you for enjoying Side Stories, because you better have. Hail Satan. Hail Rambo. Yes, hail Rambo. Hey, hey, hey, you skateboarding fucker. Hey, hey, hey, go to a park. Go to a park, you delinquent. Every day, our world gets a little more connected.
but a little further apart. But then, there are moments that remind us to be more human. Thank you for calling Amica Insurance. Hey, uh, I was just in an accident. Don't worry, we'll get you taken care of. At Amica, we understand that looking out for each other isn't new or groundbreaking. It's human. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.
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