Side Stories: Darts & Farts
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There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes. Got the ghost side of me. I'm ready to go. This is what I was thinking.

is that immediately... I don't know how long we're going to get into this onto the show. What are you talking about? In terms of this sperm race. Oh, yeah. I'm looking at this. Immediately, this was at the top of our side stories document today for some reason, and I was going through it, and the idea is that they created this super tiny track, and there's a bunch of commentators and two guys. They ejaculate into petri dishes, and then they race their sperm against each other. Now, do they, like...

Jerk off at each other? That's the first leg of the race. So, like, because to me, that's the most interesting part. I feel like that's if you're going to do, like, a decathlon. Yeah, if they're, like, staring at each other's eyes, you know, and then jerking off into it, that's part of the race, right? It's like, who can come faster? I mean, it depends on how deep you want to go. I think it depends on the league. Yeah.

I think it depends on the league that is sperm racing. You can go and check it out. The National Institute of Spermatozoa Exploration is this very funny little company that is making, I have no idea what this is. It's some kind of, God knows where this, they're basically, they're saying that there's like a male fertility problem. Mm-hmm.

And the younger guys, which I've heard, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I don't know. I honestly think that my semen is, I have one. Yeah. And he's retired. I smoke so much weed that my sperm's so dumb it comes out my butt. We've talked about this. Yes. We've talked about this. We've talked about it with your doctor. We've talked about it with your lovely dentist who listens to the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And even she said it was really worrisome.

how you've been going at your butt. Yeah, no, it's nice, though. You know, it'd be a surprise. It's like a double cum when it comes out your butt. Wow, really? Yeah, no, it's really cool. So I think I would have an extra edge over these people because the thing is, when you shoot out your butt, it really...

It sprays. I think that if I semened into this arena, and it's two different tracks, and the two tracks are built to, I guess, replicate the tubes that go towards the eggs, right? And it's a microscopic track.

And you could see the semen race along with it. And I just feel like if my semen were in there, they'd just be kind of log jamming the other track. Oh, yeah. No, my semen are very Eeyore-like, you know? Oh, yeah. Yours are, they're having a sandwich. They lost their tail and they don't give a shit. Your semen is sitting under a tree with a lemonade. You know what I mean? No, it is not enjoying, it's not on the run. It's not getting, trying to get to work. What even matters? Is there a quote I

believe. Yeah, yeah. Why all this for? My semen on the tombstone. Did someone not put water in the bong? That's what my semen said. Yeah, yeah. Hey, why is it so dry in here? Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with the slow-seated Ed Larson. Oh. Oh. Every time I come, it makes this noise. Oh, whoa, like Dom DeLuise. That's it. That's it.

Mine goes, I'm like a fucking machine gun.

I'm more of a leak than a spray. Yeah, no, we all are. A trickle. I know you are, and I know I am, and I know every man that listens to this show is. As they should be, because I sit on my nuts for a living. Hey, that's his job. I'm waiting for these fuckers to hatch how long I sit on them. He knows where his nuts are at all times, and that's all a man can do. Okay, so first of all, before we begin, I'd like to thank everybody that watched the Behind the Veil episode.

Yes. Beyond the Veil. Beyond the Veil? Behind the Veil is what we're going to call, what we're going to release it, which is true. Beyond the Veil with R.H. Davis, obviously I had an idea that it was going to be polarizing, which I do think is actually, it's quite funny to me. But I also want to give a shout out to our crew that crushed it.

hardcore we made a television show with nothing nobody made any money like a week and a half of work it literally was pretty great these guys the way these guys pushed put all of this together was absolutely amazing but just so you know none of us made any money no one involved in the production except for the employees technically I lost $95 on the suit we all lost money so just know that it was a fun

flex of what we could do creatively here at LPN. And we are going to be releasing it on VOD. We don't quite know in the way we're going to do it, but I think it's going to be mass available and it's going to be for free. And it's going to include commentary from us about everything that went into it and everything that came out of it. You down with VOD?

Yeah, you know me. And so that's what we're going to do. So you'll see it all uncut and with our commentary. We just haven't figured out the timing on that, but that is coming towards you. Uncut? We should definitely, you know. What are you talking about? It's two hours.

They're going to have to sit every minute because I'm not hiding behind anything. You're not hiding anything. It's just like edit for time. That's their job is to fucking go through it. That's the audience's job. Our job is to make it. Your job is to watch it as presented. And that's how we're going to do it. But you're talking about adding to it. Yeah.

Adding commentary. That's all they want. Look at all the, this is what they want, Eddie. It was pretty awesome to see how many people watched it, and it was great. I had a wonderful time. I'm glad it was polarizing, to be honest with you. No, no, no. Because there's no way it couldn't be. I knew it was. It's all my idea, buddy. It's all my idea. So I'm totally, I accept and

And thank you for your anger. I'm here to learn, man. I'm here to have a good time. Absolutely. I don't know if I believed any of it, but it certainly was a lot of fun. All of my reactions, I'm saving. When we put it out for the VOD, you're going to hear all of my thoughts. And I have many thoughts about what went down. And I currently have a ghost in my home right now. Yeah? That is also a thing we're going to talk about, but I'm saving all of that. Now, is your ghost...

Like, is that what you're shooting, Ghost? That's my goal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, you're talking about my goal. You're talking about my vision board. That's different. Exactly.

These little children that run the sperm racing. That's what I don't trust. What I don't trust is the children with the vials of my cum. You have two bullheaded 19-year-olds with jars of cum in front of them that I think that this is going to be a problem. Wow. Now, can I ask you something? Can we go back to the sperm thing real quick? I got several questions and theories. Okay. Gooners. Do you think that gooners would be expensive?

exceptional well at this or would theirs be dead on arrival? Sometimes gooning, I think, destroys your expulsive abilities. But also, I don't know whether... Shoot, do they die in the balls or do they come out like fucking racehorses? Sidestorieslpotl at gmail.com. Does the sperm of gooners, is it stronger or is it weaker? I want to hear from scientists. There has to be somebody out there that's doing the science on gooning.

There has to be one or two scientists somehow involved with either the Angela White or the Gianna Michaels industry that have gone in there and that it must be helping these people with gooning and its effect on semen retention and semen productivity. No poon, all goon. Yeah, I mean, that's all they do. It's only goon. Don't worry about that.

All right, so... Spoon the goon? That's because they like to be held. That's what these guys are doing. Yeah, yeah. Now, these children here that are running this sperm event... Yes. These kids are way... These kids are definitely under 18. I don't know who these kids are. I don't know who the children they have put on the sperm racing Twitter account, the two mushroom-headed...

children that are literally holding vials of semen with rubber gloves on. One of them's in a lab coat. Yeah, yeah, but anybody can have a lab coat on. Do you remember the guy- Now, the rubber gloves to protect them from the semen or for jerking off fellas? I don't know what they're doing. I think they might be-

catching the semen in their hands. But yes, they got this semen race is going on hardcore. But you remember in CVS, they used to do that in New York. Semen racing with the guys. Well, that was they used to call it something else. That was yeah, that was just coming in the floor. Yeah, you know, that was a spill on aisle 12. You were also just being told you better come right now or I'm going to come on you instead of with you. And so I'm like, you know, I always I'm a yes and guy.

But CBS used to do the thing where they used to have blood pressure checkers. Oh, I miss those. Where they'd just have a homeless man in a lab coat. Oh, that guy. There was that one guy outside of Duane Reade in Ridgewood who would always be like, check your blood pressure as you walk

Why is the cuff so small? I used to always argue with that guy because he used to always tell me, I always have great blood pressure. So one thing I got going for me health-wise, always a phenomenal blood pressure, right on the money, every day, always for all of the time. And then he would always bitch at me, like, you don't know what's good. I'm like, I know what's good. It's fine. And then, you know, I checked it one time. He's like, it's good. I'm like, I told you so.

Sometimes you don't got to worry about fighting, Eddie. Do you remember? Sometimes you got to let it go. No, I remember. I want to get into some news and we'll get into, we'll talk more about our lives. I like blood pressure machines. I know we will talk about blood pressure machines. Let's talk about some news and then we'll, we'll come back around. I promise you. The news you can use. First of all, Karen Reed, not guilty. Now I didn't really cover this that much.

in depth. You were in love with this story and then you abandoned it. Well, I watched the first trial. Yeah. And then there's been a lot of other trials that I've been watching more closely that have also then gotten boring. Lori Vallow trial is now, it's over, it's done. She's now going to go to an appeals. All the appeals are boring.

P. Diddy trial, unfortunately, has entered into a bit of a boring zone. They are now currently watching the sex tapes of Diddy publicly in court. It's crazy how that's the boring part. Oh, yes, because they're saying that it's also he's listening to his own music while watching a sex worker fuck his wife. And you're watching him in the stand at in trial, like bobbing his head to his own music, which is, again, that's producer.

Good to be there. You know what I mean? I mean, he wrote the songs. He likes it. You know, I love a murder fist video. Same. I watch my stuff all the time. I could see him pissing in his own cup, drinking it just to remind, just getting the nostalgia on his lip, hearing it back in the day. Like, I remember I got that guy good and shiny that Tuesday. But then, but the biggest, so I didn't have time to watch the new Karen Reed trial. So Karen Reed was accused of,

of killing John O'Keefe, that was a Boston police officer, that was a, they were, I guess, a part of a little small town in Massachusetts, and they were deeply connected to this very intense cop family that they were all partying at after hours. And then John O'Keefe, Karen Reid left early. She was dating John O'Keefe. Yes. John O'Keefe ends up dead. In the snow. In the snow.

And Karen Reid is blamed. They say that Karen Reid hit him with her SUV after a drunken fight. She was driving drunk. They all partied all night. These guys party like only 45 to 50-year-old cops can. I don't know how they can all party that hard until 7 a.m. Cops go hard, dude. I know it's cocaine. When I worked at the poorhouse, the cops would go wild.

They were fucking scary. They would talk about like getting drunk and shooting out streetlights when the subway came by. Those guys are fucking nuts. Dude, these guys are the night that they describe of all of these cops hanging out is just sounds like a lot. They went to they had like a bit of a bar crawl and they went to I believe it was the McCabe house for the after party.

And when they got out there, so Karen Reed, John O'Keefe, they had some kind of... She didn't want to be there. They were constantly fighting. Yes, they had a very tumultuous relationship. And so they... John O'Keefe says, fuck this. I want to go into this after party. John O'Keefe goes to the after party after they drive in from the main city out to where they live. Karen Reed goes home. He's found dead in the morning. They say that she hit him with her SUV. What is then found...

is like, you know, essentially all these investigators fucked up the job. And what is the reason why this is such a big deal is because this is one of the very, very few cases that basically

that cuts through the corruption of the local police and actually comes out with an exoneration. This almost never happens. When you went through the text messages of all the inspectors talking... Text messages. Text messages. Text messages. Those text messages with cheese on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got rabies on them. I need you to focus. I need you to focus. We're going to get you some food. We're going to get you some food.

So chewing all the sound equipment on top of the microphone. That's a flower tortilla, right? But all the investigators were super fucking casual and gross about Karen Reed. They were all asking who's got her nudes. They, all that stuff came out in trial. Like they all were talking massive shit against this woman. We know that one of the ladies connected to the cop family where the after party was happening and,

had Googled after Karen Reid had left the...

How long to die in cold? How long to die in cold? Yes. And that was a big deal that kind of swayed the people, swayed the jury for certain. It just shows, really, if you're ever thinking about killing somebody, do all your text messages months ahead of time, all your Google searches months ahead of time. Key is? Do it at the library. At the library. Also, I mean this, you know we hate giving tips to criminals, but

Write it on a piece of paper. Yeah. Burn it. I would also do more talking. Yeah. Less texting. Because the cops also incriminated themselves on text. And one of the big things that kept happening was that the main investigator would arrive. He would, there would be no evidence. And all of a sudden he discovers something new. Yes. And so that was the stuff like it had been,

And snowing. And it was all this horrible weather. But then somehow all of this perfect... The shattered light from the back of her... The shattered back headlight from her brake light on her SUV. That glass is found...

All of a sudden, just sitting kind of lightly on top of the snow. Where it should be under the snow. Yes, and then there's also, there's no evidence to show where she got her brake light broken. Sounds like it was a full-on fix. So to be honest, it's just kind of a wild thing. The idea of beating a bunch of Massachusetts cops in court is, it doesn't happen. Her life is going to be hell now. She has to move. She'll leave. Yeah, she'll have to leave Massachusetts for sure. Probably, but also Karen Reid...

It's an example about how like she was a financial advisor. So she had a lot of money. So she managed to get herself out on bail during an extreme and a high mark, too, which is most like one of the hardest parts that people can have, because obviously the Internet is

really did help the social pressure helped which is she got out in front of cameras she was like on 2020 and dateline and all these things she had her own tv show she got to put her case out in front of the american people because she had the cash flow to get out of jail and also i watched that id show or whatever the one that's on max i don't know if it was id but whatever who cares um

It seemed like it was a really bad idea for her to be doing that. Oh, yeah. No, it's always bad. No one should be. You should not be talking in front of a camera. But it worked for her. She's... Obviously. That lady's pretty smart. Karen Reid's pretty fucking smart. Karen Reid's... And she's likable. Yes. She's smart, likable. She's got that... She's got a great attorney. Mm-hmm. And...

you know, and the people saw. The people saw. So now that she's not guilty, are they going to go after these? We still have a murdered cop here. I believe they're all, I know that they were all suspended. The investigator, I forget his name, the head investigator was so butthurt about all of this. He was like, he was kind of talking about how, you know, like,

you know, there's no way you could possibly kind of form like this kind of big plan. And it was like, you guys did it over text message. Yeah. You talk to each other about how you were going to log jam this woman. And maybe you cops should maybe know they read the text messages. Yeah. And then when they go into court,

It's going to be, I don't know what to tell you, you're going to need to kill her too. Sorry, cops. Unfortunately, if you wanted to get away with this, you should have killed Karen Reid as well and then probably killed a couple other people as well. I mean, I'm just saying, if you're going to go in for one, in for a penny,

You're in for a dollar. Yeah, so let's see what happens because I feel like they kind of have to go after these police officers now. Oh, they don't got to do anything. They're just going to let it all go away? Yeah, because they could just say that I think that they're all suspended. Right now, everybody's suspended. I think that they're going to let this go to sleep.

after a long period of time, and then they'll just kind of come back. They will eventually come back because largely, I think mostly, it's very hard to prove the corruption, but it's not hard to prove that they fucked everything up. Yeah. They should at least get fired. But, yeah. It's very hard. The thing about Massachusetts cops mentality...

You know, I worked with the Boston police and they weren't as horrible as I thought they were going to be. It's not about horrible, but it is about loyalty no matter what. Yes. Loyalty no matter what does cut them, even which we always say it's the problem because it brings good cops in with all the bad cops. And that's the that is the problem. So you have to all they are. Everyone's trying to protect each other.

And when it comes down to that, that's where all the corruption comes. Yeah. There are plenty of bad cops. There are. But also, let's give more praise to our mediocre cops. Yeah, absolutely. Because, like, you know, I feel like... The useless ones are very helpful. They're just in there filling out uniforms, doing their jobs, making sure that, you know, like, they're directing protests. Yeah, too lazy to hit anybody. You know, they're the guys making sure that, you know, like, you're parking right. Mm-hmm.

So give it up for the mediocre cops. And I really want to thank the LAPD for stepping it up and really beating the shit out of us. And not letting the military do it. No, let our homegrown police do it for us. Okay, we don't need your federal response. Let the police just beat the hell out of us here because they're great at it. Yeah, and if they don't beat the shit out of us, what are they going to do? I don't know. Why are we outsourcing? This is like...

Like, one of my biggest problems here is that we're outsourcing our violence when we have plenty of locally sourced violence. These are bad motherfuckers. Guys, they can beat us and they can rape us with broom poles and stuff like that. It's totally in their sphere. They're totally good at it. Yeah, and if they don't beat us, they're going to beat someone else. Yeah, so let them beat us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they'll come to your city. They're going to lead...

If the LAPD doesn't have... They're going to start fighting the firemen or something. Dude, they're going to go to Arizona. They're going to start beating up people in Arizona. Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Please. Just holy fucking... Just think about it for yourself. Fly from your grave. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. Seems amazing, right? It's because it is.

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Former host of Worst Cooks in America. Is this an update? No. It's a brand new story. Ann Burrell, this is a story that I love, right? This is a woman that I have no idea who this person is. You love her. She's a celebrity chef. It is another mark against world's...

worst cooks in America, the worst cooks in America. I tell you the story about how the winner, I believe of the third season, third or fifth season of a worst cooks in America killed their daughter. So are you like, if you were a bad cook, are you the worst cook or did he win because he killed his daughter?

That would be huge. It was a lady. It would be huge. Was it murder? No, it's that food. It's that you're a horrible cook and then by the end you get to be a good cook. It was the chicken fricassee that killed the nine-year-old. No, it was neglect.

And the mother killed her daughter that won Worst Cooks, right? And we all thought that's the worst thing that Food Network's ever going to have to deal with. Yeah. Right? Because they deleted that entire season. It's so funny. Really? Oh, yeah. They buried it. They buried it. Forget what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Ariel Robinson.

Yeah, from May 2022, she won. And yeah, the child died from blunt force trauma. It's very sad. But I still don't know, is she the best of the worst or is she the worst of the worst? How does the winning of Worst Cook go?

It's got nothing to do with murdering your daughter. I know it's got nothing to do with murdering your daughter. Mostly it's got to do with cooking. But I'm just saying, was she the worst cook or the best of the worst? She was the best of the worst. Okay. That's the idea. That's why she won. Her cooking won most, like essentially most improved.

Oh, okay. So Anne Burrell hosted this for a long time and then stepped away from it with Duff Goldman. She was working with this and then she had a working relationship with Duff Goldman. For those of you who don't know, Duff Goldman is the cake boss right now. Oh, okay. I know cake boss. I didn't know he had a name though. I thought he was just cake boss.

Everyone has a name. No, I'm wrong. Oh my God, I'm wrong. The whole fucking world is going to come for me. That is, I'm wrong. The Cake Boss's Buddy Valastro. Okay. Duff Goldman is the Cake Rapist. What is his name? The Cake...

Cake pedophile was the cake predator? The ace of cakes. Ace of cakes. Yes, that's what I meant. That's what I meant. And he... The ace of cakes! The ace of cakes! So he did this show with Ann Burrell, and then they kind of like broke up. Duff Goldman. And then he made this weird-ass fucking response. After she died? After she died. This is the first thing I want to say, because now there's like... I tell you what, life's no piece of cake. No.

No, especially not when you're a fucking big fat chef because sometimes what happens is the cake is the thing that killed you, unfortunately. But also, I don't trust a skinny chef and I only like my chefs on the verge of death. Yeah, that's life. And so this is the weird thing that Duff Goldman wrote.

I've written and rewritten this post so many times in the past 24 hours and I don't know what to say. It's never a good start. Ann and I became friends in 2006. She was going through some stuff and I heard that she was feeling it. So on a trip to New York City from Baltimore, I had made her a cake that said, don't let the bastards win. She never did. We had a complex relationship. And I remember the last conversation we had before our paths drifted.

With the last conversation we had before our paths drifted. All right. What does that fucking mean? Isn't it supposed to be the bastards get you down? Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he didn't have enough room on the cake. I think it's a smaller cake. Yeah. I know. She said that they had a pretty feisty debate about the merits of catfish. She said the words trash fish. It tastes like mud and called him cake boy. Okay. And I always had a spirited and somewhat acerbic back and forth. I never really knew why our paths drifted.

But I always hoped that wherever she was and was doing well and finding some happiness... I just don't get it. You had to put the catfish thing in there, huh? This whole thing is just so like... Just rambling. But so now people are like, so she was found dead in her shower, right? Naked. She was found dead in her shower. Clothes in her shower. That'd be way weirder. It would be, right? Yeah. But it's hotter when she's naked. It's sad. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry I'm doing this. No, no, no. It's fine. I'm lashing out. And so Amperelle...

I think died of suspicious circumstances. Okay. There's no evidence pointing towards this. TMZ says possible overdose. Of course, and I align with them. Well, you know, it's weird. At all times, I align with them. But they're usually right. Which is aggravating. So it sounded like something bad was going on. She's got... She's got...

I want to talk to your manager, but I've just smoked PCP here. Yes. So she's just got that ability. There's something about her. She's always had an edge to her. Well, chefs love drugs. I get it. You know, you got to stay up all night. It's a long shift. It's hard. There was a guy, you know, the guy who took over chef after me. I remember I came back to check on the place and I opened up one of the coolers and there was just like cocaine on top. One of the Tupperware containers. And it's just like, first of all,

it's just going to get moist. What are you doing? It's a bad place for cocaine. I think a guy wasn't thinking with his front mind. No, he wasn't. He was a really bad chef. Yeah, he was bad. And that's the main issue. Probably mostly is that his cooking was bad. You can do as many drugs as you want as long as the cooking is good. And she was a good cook, right? She was fine. I never ate at any of her restaurants. She had a restaurant in New York.

And I forget where else she had one. And then Anne Burrell, but she taught many people how to cook

Many celebrities, some of you even your worst favorite celebrities. Oh yeah, Phil and Anne's Good Time Lounge. That was a big one that got closed. She had some problems with union work. Okay. She had some problems with the union. Oh, so she's a B. She's got some stuff going on in there. I mean, I hate that. If you're a chef, like, don't fucking take advantage of your cooks. It's just a whole... That shit's crazy. She's just, there's a lot going on in there. I think she might have been, weirdly, a very troubled woman.

Okay. We'll find out. We'll find out. I hope we do. But you left. I got all my autopsy pictures and I'm going to go through them. That's my goal for the weekend.

That's what I'd like to do. Oh, man. My other goal for the weekend, you like Disneyland, right? I love Disneyland. It's one of my favorite places in the entire world. Now, have you ever thought about the idea of you and Julie renewing your vows? You know, I was going to ask Julie to marry me at Disneyland, but for lack of a better word, I found that to be...

Well, it does make you a Disney adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, then you're fully a Disney adult. If you rap... Now I'm, like, a fan. I guess I'm kind of a Disney adult. You like Disney enough, but I am thankful...

That you didn't do that. Yes. No, I'm glad I didn't do it, too. Keep your love separate from IP. Yeah, I didn't. Well, I didn't do that either. I asked her to marry me at a Fleetwood Mac concert. That's not IP. That's not IP? No. It's ICP. Imagine that. I'm all dressed up like Insane Clown Posse. Please. Singing Rhiannon. Fleetwood ICP is incredible. Malaysia.

Mlenko. Family. Family. Oddly enough, though, Lindsey Buckingham is worse than any member of ICP. Lindsey Buckingham's such a

piece of shit. He's such a piece of shit. It's so funny to even think like, yeah, I let ICP watch my dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would not let Lizzie Buckingham near my dogs. Nowhere near my house or my family or my wife. Yeah. Yes. But I bring all this up to say it sounds like Disneyland. People love to get married there. Uh-huh.

including pedophiles. Now, this story is a... I am loving this story right now. Okay. I need you to explain this to me because I don't know how this story got past me. It just showed up. Okay. So, now, a British man

Who was not going to be named, I guess they keep saying for legal reasons. I think this has to do with like a French name. Because he actually didn't do anything wrong? Not yet. Okay. But it's lots of, there's lots of wrong around. But yes, nothing necessarily happened yet. Okay. So he was 39 years fun. Everybody's favorite age. The sexiest age to be. And he set up an elaborate party.

fairytale wedding at Disneyland Paris, which I actually kind of thought that's where... I thought Paris, you could get married to a child. I thought it was very European to get married to a child in a castle. Don't they do that there a lot? A couple centuries ago, for sure. And last week...

So this guy, he rented out all of Disneyland Paris for 115,000 euro. I would think it's more. Because there was only a section of it. It was a higher part of the Disneyland site at Marneville at a cost of 115 euro. And he invited hundreds of guests. Okay. Right? He had all these guests. So he's a popular guy? So people started arriving. Disney apparently had no idea.

Yeah, I guess it translates to 170, about 175 grand in U.S. dollars. So they go, all of these guests start arriving. Hundreds of guests from Paris and hundreds of guests from the Ukraine. Really? And eventually these people start saying like, oh, you know, we were just told to be here for a wedding. Turns out everybody that's coming to this wedding is a hired actor.

All of the people from Paris were extras that were hired. They said to watch a show, right, to be a part of a filmed wedding. Then they found all these Ukrainian people that are also all hired actors that are all pretending to be family of the bride. They're all saying that they're there to play family of the bride in a filmed wedding.

television show wedding. Well, we all know about all the actors in Ukraine pretending there's a war going on. I mean, that's all they do all day. Yeah. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fake blow up your village? Do you have any idea how hard it is? You might as well just blow it up. That's what I said. Why are we using all the CGI? But this guy, so this 39-year-old, yet to be named...

He introduces his wife. Okay. We're going to be in the process. This is at dawn, right? Because that's what they allow you to have the park is at dawn. That makes sense. It's a nine-year-old. So it's this nine-year-old from the Ukraine that has been brought in with a fake mother and a fake sister that have brought this nine-year-old in. Now, according to this man, this British man, the only thing that he's guilty of is wanting to create a magical afternoon for a little girl.

And that he was going to marry her in this Prince Charles Cinderella style. Prince Charming. Prince Charles is, I guess, yeah. You're right. You're right, actually. I'm keeping it. You're right. No, you're actually correct. Prince Charles marries a nine-year-old style. And everyone's like, it wasn't until finally one of the paid extras went to Disneyland that

And they saw this whole thing going on. They said they said it was all like this. We don't know until they saw the nine-year-old in the full bridal wear. Uh-huh. Right? Coming down the thing, which is also like...

We had a great time planning our wedding. Planning a wedding is very stressful, but it's also fun, but it's extremely stressful. Can you imagine how difficult it must be to plan a wedding with a nine-year-old? And extras. Extras are always wandering off. They switch their mind. One day they're Elsa, the next day they're the lady from Tomb Raider, the next day they're something else, right? So you never know with these nine-year-olds. So we're going to stick it in. Trying to get a nine-year-old to choose plates.

Oh, yeah. Just trying to get him to sit still long enough to be like, listen, you're going to be my wife soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to pick out forks. You got to bring the iPad. Oh, you got to bring the iPad and a lot of brochures. But you'll love tasting the cake. Who's going to walk her down the aisle? Bluey? I think that, no, they paid. What you do is, if you're marrying a child at Disneyland Paris, obviously you have to hire a Ukrainian sex worker to pretend to be her sex slave. Good slip. You got to hire her. You really got to do it.

I'm not going to let a Heil go. But I love this that they, it wasn't until they saw the child, right? They saw the child and then everyone's like, Oh no. And they went to Disneyland Paris. And I would have loved to see the look on the face of,

the Disneyland Paris Employee dresses lay goofy with I guess cuz I get goofy there and Paris and goofy these dicks out and stuff He's like a red rocket. Oh, yeah, I go. He's a full sexual Harlequin goofy He's got the full like he's got you can see his nipples. He's reeks like wine. Yeah, and Tell him that guy

I think the man's getting married to a child. I think that's the wife there, sir. I was trucked in here and I believe that that's the wife. And they hear him and they go, oh no. Yes. Oh no. But it's not a real wedding, right?

No. It was supposed to, but that's where he kept saying, but it's not a real wedding, guys. This is the thing, Eddie. You sound like his lawyer. Well, no, I never got married, guys. We never went through with it. I got cold bowls. Yeah, but the thing is, like, what is, it's very upsetting and it's horrible and this man should be beaten in public. But what is the crime?

What? You know, like... Send Andy to Paris. Sounds like someone's got a pro boner lawyer for you. He has a history of this. Yes, he does. Of what? Like pedophile stunts? Same as pedophile. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's the thing, man. He's a pedophile with that X factor. He's a pedophile that's got a little something extra. Well, it just sounds like he likes extreme pedophile humor.

That's what it seems like he's more of a fan of, right? He's described as a known pedophile wanted in the UK. All right, I take it back. I take it back. I take it all back immediately. I just wish we could call the episode Extreme Pedophile Humor when we can't. When we fucking can't. Oh, God. It's just a funny...

Pedophile gag! It's a mix-em-ups! I mean, it's not a mix-em-ups when you hire staff. Yeah, that's the thing. It's not a mix-em-ups when you've got to do the six-month lead time rental fee.

To get Disneyland Paris. Can I tell you something that I'm more upset about still to this day? Is that when I was a child one day, I'm at Disney World and it was five o'clock came by. And then they're like, hey, listen, you got to leave because Elizabeth Taylor bought Disney World and she's having a birthday party. I actually. I'm going to say this. That made me really mad when I was a child. I just want it stuck with me. I never forgave her. I need the audience. Hang in here with me for a second. Understand that.

That is worse, subjectively, than this UK pedophile. Because they didn't kick anyone out of Disney. This is just an extreme pedophile humor. Yeah. It's just an extreme pedophile funny thing that happened. Wow, it's so famous you didn't even get to go. It's so famous today that you didn't even get to go, Eddie. Yes, I know. I know. I was very mad about it. There it is. February 27th, 1992. Wow, the exact day. That was the day. That was the day. I'm glad I can remember. So I was 11. Yeah.

I was 11, tortured by fucking Elizabeth Taylor. You know what, bitch? Cut my Disney World days short. Truly one of the worst parts about it was that they could definitely tell. Look at the difference in the microphones. That was supposed to be for the vows. So the staff didn't know. The staff, if they put the tiny microphone stand there, that means someone knew. The tiny microphone stand is evidence. Do you think the UK guy came in and was like, all right, listen.

My wife, I don't want you saying anything about my wife. My fiance. My fiance. I don't want to say anything about my fiance. All right? I just want you to understand. She's a bit short.

You know, I don't want you to say nothing about it. She's not like a little person. I mean, she's a little person. Yeah. But she's not a capital L, capital P, little person. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's small. She'll be small. Is she small? No, she'll be small. Just, you know, don't even acknowledge it.

If he could. She's sensitive about her height. Super sensitive about being super short. Very sensitive. So where were her real parents? I think they're dead. We don't know. We have no idea what happened to her parents. We don't really know what happened. Is she Ukrainian? She's Latvian. Latvian. Now, where is that? I think it's to the right. I never hung out with those people. Some more of Eddie's extreme pedophilia.

Yeah, I don't know where Lafayette is. Oh, okay. Oh, it's by Lithuania. Yeah, I always knew that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just a couple clicks south of Estonia. Oh, okay. Great. You know you love Estonia. It's near Poland. Oh, definitely. Yes. Oh, God. Pierogies. Thank God they didn't mess with the Polish here. We're going to get you lunch. Yes. Yeah, something's going on. We're going to get you lunch. Yeah. It's one of those. I feel like that, too. I guess I'm just thinking about the catering of this wedding. Tex-Mex. God. Just nothing Nuggies and...

Mac and cheese. So what happened to this? Nothing happened to this man, though, right? It all got broken up, and then everybody just got disbanded right now.

And the investigation continues. Okay. That's what all the both ends of both of the articles I was looking at say. And it was in France. So I imagine they gave the kids cigarettes and sent them home. Pretty certain they gave him a glass of wine. They allowed him to drive home. Yeah. You know, I think that in Paris, it's just, but yeah, I think the main issue was, is that nobody, nobody was told and nobody brought a gift. Wow. And I think that's one of the biggest issues they said was when they canceled it. It was just because in Paris, normally they are fine. Yeah.

Oh, what's that say? I can't read it. The investigations, including the medical examination of the minor, a Ukrainian national showed that she had not been subjected to any violence or coercive acts. Yeah, she wasn't like she's just been apparently the way this guy was pitching it was that he was doing this as some beautiful woman.

princess-like moment for the little girl to have. But that's like, you do it, I would even do it with another little boy, but why does it have to be a wedding? You definitely don't need, yeah, it doesn't need to be a wedding. It could be like you conquered Arendelle or something. Honestly, and yeah, with pedophiles, keep

that out of it and people won't be that interested in it. If it was just a party, nobody would have known. Yes. Again, there's a big issue. We said about when you call something a wedding, they upcharge. He's been charged with fraud, breach of trust, and money laundering, and identity theft. Yeah, because he faked all the stuff. He faked all the paperwork. Breach of trust is a crime in Europe? Yes.

Interesting. Yes, it's one of the worst crimes someone can do. It's like that and being a hypocrite. How many years you get for being a hypocrite there? Yep. It's very, honestly, it's the worst crime you can do there. Well, you know... Outside of marrying a child, almost marrying a child. You know who really doesn't like children? Who? Irish nuns.

You know why? Because they found 796 dead babies executed or executed, expected to be found hidden in a septic tank at an unwed mother's home run by nuns. Now, is there, can I, this might be an insensitive question. Mm-hmm.

But is there like a chute to throw them down into it? I imagine, yes. Like, is it one of those things that they pop the boardie out or they pop the thing out? Like, are they doing abortions or are these just kids that have died? Many of the infant remains are feared to have been dumped in a cesspool known as the pit. Okay.

The total. The People's Improv Theater. Yes, that's right. That's where we started our careers. Wow. A total of 798 children died at the home between 1925 and 1961. That's a lot. It's a lot. That's a lot. Are they saying that they died by their hands or did they die?

die naturally and then dumped in a pit. It seems like they may have died by their hands. There's no way to know just yet. The other 700 and two of the 796 were actually buried. The rest of them were sent down into the septic tank. Wow. I was right. There was like a shoot. Yes. They do threw it down like a pair of like a bunch of laundry, like old like old shirts. Yes. The bond secures mother and baby home.

was demolished in 1971 and is now surrounded by a modern apartment complex. Oh, great! So now, yes, this apartment complex is haunted by little babies. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. That's fucking crazy. No, it should just be a secure mom's home. It was a maternity... Because it sounds like it wasn't super secure for the children. The home was a maternity home for unwed mothers and their children run by religious order of Catholic nuns. And Irish nuns... Catholics did something...

I know. Isn't it crazy? What the fuck, Eddie? I know. This is wild. So they were killed. But I feel like they're going to probably say a lot of these babies were like dead already. The unmarried pregnant women would be sent home to give birth and would be interned for a year to do unpaid work. They were separated from their newborn children and would be raised by the nuns until they were adopted. Yep. That means it's like when you send a dog to go walk, run in a field everywhere, and they just turned it into an ottoman or something. Yeah.

I feel like that's literally that version of that. Is that wrong? Yeah. Is that offensive? I mean, you know, this whole thing is very upset. Yeah, everyone's very... I imagine people are super upset. Oh, yeah. I mean, especially when you find 798 victims...

Margaret Maggie O'Connor gave birth to one of the babies named Mary Margaret at the home when she was. Well, Mary Margaret. Yes. Well, that's probably the name of half of them. But she was a victim of sexual assault and she gave birth. And then the girl died six months later and the mother only found out when a nun told her.

So they don't really know if the nuns were killing the kids or not, it seems like. Well, yeah, it sounds like the nuns, let's just say they were trying to find a way to didn't come back on them because nuns are sneaky. Yes. Nuns are liars. They told you that the child of your sin is dead. Yeah, that is like literally it. Nuns are little, nuns are sneaky little fucks. Nuns are liars. Nuns,

nuns will do whatever. Nuns don't want you to have a baby. They want you to be a fucking, they want your vagina to seal closed. Yes. They originally would call the women fallen women. Oh, yes. Yes. And they were called fallen women, mostly applied to sex workers. But they also took the term seduced women.

victims of rape or incest. That's like the idea of calling a woman that is a victim of rape or incest a seduced woman is such a fucking foul. It's very cruel. Yeah, it is foul. Extremely cruel. The last of the Magdalene laundries closed their doors in the 1990s. Ireland's government issued a formal state of apology in 2014 and...

In 2022, a compensation scheme was set up to be paid out in the equivalent of $32 million to the 814 survivors. They're fucking 32. They're just going to pay them off, huh? I mean, they got to do something. I don't know. The Catholic Church loves paying people off. I mean, they got plenty of fucking money. That's for fucking certain. I went to Catholic school growing up. Oh, yes. And it was all run by Irish nuns. And they were crazy.

They're awful. There was a couple that were nice, but Sister Kathleen hated me. She gave me a detention for talking in the bathroom and sneezing. And then Sister Dolores hit me. And I never really talk about her hitting me because, you know, whatever. Yeah, I mean, it was just back in the day. It was all corporal punishment. I recently went back to the old St. Joan of Arc school.

And I was like, oh, you know, just nostalgic. I wanted to walk around the church because I haven't been there in like 20-something years or whatever. And so I'm walking around and I go into the store because the church has a store. And I go in the church. I was like, you know, just like. Don't they already get enough fucking money from us every fucking week? Amen. You know, we don't need it. You know, I agree with you. But I'm in the store and I'm sitting there like, yeah, you know, I used to go here. You know, what happened to the nuns? They're like, oh, Sister Ellen just passed away. I couldn't believe it because I thought she'd been dead forever.

And I was like, oh yeah. And she told me some of them are still alive. I was like, that's amazing. I was like, what about sister Dolores? And then that's the handwriting teacher that hit me without me saying anything. She's like, you know, they say that she hit the children. And I was like, she hit me. She hit me. I was one.

Man, and what did they say? What did they say to you? She was like, oh, okay. Oh, wow. I was like, yeah, so I can go ahead and confirm that for you. Give me $20. I want $20 right now. That's what I would say. Don't you guys like giving out money to victims? Yeah, but they sent them all back to Ireland. I wonder if any of these chicks knew these women, which is very crazy. Yeah. But yeah, 798 dead babies expected to be found. Do you think convents...

Have competitions amongst themselves. How many babies they can rack up. I mean, this one takes the cake, I think. I don't know. Wasn't there another one in Ireland that had like a thousand? Canada. Another one was a huge amount of babies just like...

Just same thing, which is a giant refuse pile of babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it happens. It does happen. It happens, unfortunately. You mean it happens. It happens because no one took the time to look at this shit forever ago. No one's checking on these nuns. Everyone just believes them. No, I get it. No one's like, these kids are being born and they're not being logged. I would like to get, all right. A hundred years ago, this shit's different. If you want me back Catholic church, hire me. I'm going to fucking get all these guys back into shape.

I'm getting everybody back into shape. That's what I'm doing. All I want is I want my nuns to be lesbians for older women. I mean, there are a lot. I want my priest to either be unable to have sex due to issues, like literally they can't physically have sex, or they are so closeted and strange that even just touching another person will make them cry.

That is how I want my priests. I want them so afraid of human touch and so afraid of human engagement that they would never do anything that bad. And then you just keep to fucking making shit up every week on the back of that, that, that podium. Yeah. Or that's what I'd say. Work on your sermon. Every single time you want to go suck something, go work on a sermon. Also, I want chick,

Priest when these nuns obviously they're doing they're too much. I will say chick priest is not going to keep altar boys from getting from getting sucked on unfortunately because how many chicks have like like it's been a whole rash of younger women teachers and

coming out being revealed that they've been like you know it always makes them news but I guarantee there's way more men doing it and it's like the men who do it it's way more it's kind of the opposite where there's men do it and it's a whole like obviously they're a predator and stuff it's just until the last like 10 years that a hot female teacher can have sex with a 13 year old and people can be like you're a pedophile like it's so hard for people to do that from with one of those types of

women too because it's taken so long for us to not go up to the 13 year old and go like yeah kid yeah now we know that no he was raped yes no it was a big deal yeah so yes of course uh you know don't go to catholic school hey if you could i mean unless it's free but some guys not free no but catholic schools are better than some of the public schools in certain areas but that doesn't mean you should go i feel like then when it comes down to it school of hard knocks

Join circus. You know, when I went to Catholic school, I eventually told my parents, like in sixth grade, I was like, listen, I'm going to fail on purpose if you don't send me to public school. No, you did it great. You did it correct. And they sent me to public school, and it was wonderful. You did the Gandhi. That's Gandhi's version of passive resistance. It was easy to convince my father, too. I was like, I want to go to free school. And he's like, you got it, son.

I hate God just as much as anybody else, but not as much as this guy.

You're traveling. It's summer. Let's face it. You're going to do something. Maybe you're a teacher. You got a bunch of free time. You're still getting paid. What are you going to do? You're going to go somewhere weird that you've never been before. And leaving the country, it's already stressful. It's good to just know a little bit more about where you're going. Whether it's Mexico or France, it's good to know a little bit more about how to communicate with the people where you're going. And plus,

You know, you got to know what you're ordering off the menu. What are we even talking about here? At least for the waiters and waitresses across the world today.

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Now, this guy, I wanted to talk a little bit about this guy. I don't know how this guy went under my radar. Is this an old story? You told me about it today. I haven't actually read the article, so you've got to tell me about it. It's brand new. Adam Christopher Sheaf, when he did this, he was from Maricopa County. Sheaf. Sheaf.

He's from Flagstaff, Arizona. Best city in Arizona. Mm-hmm. And he broke into a pastor's home and crucified him to his wall. And then he pulled him off and then he found him dead in his bed. Wow. It's bad. Crucified him to his wall. I don't mean to laugh. I mean, it's funny. It's just a lot of effort. Yeah, I mean, you got to bring a stud finder. Oh, God, that's the worst part. Yeah, I'm so bad at that. Yeah, because it keeps pointing back to me. Hey! Now, William Shonerman was dead, uh,

But the thing that is really intense is that it's the statement from Sheaf that is truly upsetting. I'm going to send this to you, Rob. I forgot to send this to you. So when did this plan come to fruition? You're thinking about this. You want to carry out this hit list? Yes. A hit list. Sure. 14 pastors. That's right.

around the nation to surround the nation starting in Arizona starting in Arizona where I was born where it starts is where it ends like the Garden of Eden I started in Phoenix where I was born on this life and I'm gonna end in Phoenix where I was baptized which I don't appreciate when I was three years old by my parents you know I'm baptized in a belief that is completely false so you get to Phoenix I get to Phoenix I just set up a tent under a tree on Olive Street

And I followed that priest home Sunday after Easter service. And when he pulled into his driveway, the two women came out of the garage. I'm not interested in executing anyone other than the pastors or the shepherds leading the flock astray. I need to find...

Pastors or priests that live alone. See, he's intense. So this guy is real, real intense. His plan was to crucify 14 pastors. Okay. But he only got to one. He only got to one. You know, it makes a lot of noise. And it sounded like it was really hard. And he said that his main issue, his car broke down. Oh. He said that was like super, which is again, and that is the thing that people always forget.

Auto maintenance. Yeah, no. And how if you got big plans in life, it's super important you stay on top of it. That's why we think our partners over at Nissan, that we're going to be giving Sheaf a brand new Nissan Priest Finder. Have you seen this? These Nissan Priest Finders are one of the coolest fucking new things. The Nissan Ultimatum. Yeah. But people like this guy, people like this pastor are...

Was he, he was beloved? He actually looks like a nice guy. They all say that they were beloved. He's got that cool hat. He's got that little Santa Claus beard on. He is adorable. He does look adorable. I'm sorry that he got killed. He didn't need to be crucified. No, no. He looked like he was just easy to catch. I mean, I think that that's what the man was going for. Yeah. But, you know, he was foiled. He couldn't, he can't crucify again. Well, unless a priest comes to prison.

There's plenty of priests in prison. Oh my God. And that's a fun day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a funny day. You know, if there's a priest in the prison as a prisoner, they're definitely fucked. Oh, yeah. But the one that comes to give sermons, you know, I'm sure he'll be protected. He might be. But Chief says he wants the death penalty immediately. Oh. So he's very much so. That is a man that was very sure of what he wanted in this life. Yeah. And he made it happen for himself. And you know what I'll also say? It's kind of nice.

Is that, like, yeah, obviously, like, no one's, like, super happy with this, but it showed that Adam Schiff, who was 51 years old, he made his dream happen at 51. Yeah, he had a goal. And that's, like, a thing that a lot of people discount.

Is that Hebrew on his neck? Yeah, he does have some Hebrew on there. He's got a lot of mixed messaging in his tattoos. He's angry. I don't think he was thinking about the overarching theme of his tattoos when he was getting them. But I'll just say you can start at 51. And that's...

I think that's the biggest thing you could get out of this story. Yeah, I mean, you know, Gene Hackman started in his 40s, you know. Grandma Moses. Grandma Moses. She started killing pastors when she was 77. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was huge. Like, that's crazy. This guy is very serious. I'm surprised this isn't a bigger story. I think that people... If he would have got another one, it would have been.

Just one more and somebody would have cared. God, I just want to get one more. Yeah, man, this is very, this is wild. I can't believe this man did this. I mean, he crucified him in his own home. Crucify him. See, when you say crucify, though, I would expect a crucifix. No, you see, crucifixion, I think that's why it's kind of like not fully there. Yeah. That's, you know, because, yeah, obviously, Eddie.

He should have had a crucifix. That would be cool. It definitely takes more time. Oh, but I'd leave in him even more. That's for certain. Yeah. I believe in crucifixion. Yeah. No, I think also you got to get some tall trees in the backyard. If you're going to crucify someone and not get caught, you know, you got to make sure that there's some coverage. Can I get some privacy bushes here? Yeah. I've been really looking. I'm starting a crucifixion. And I want to start, though, you know, the first crucifixion will just be animals. Let me ask you. Don't get me too tall.

But have you started your crucifixion yet? Because if you haven't, I'd love to help kind of consult on that. Yeah, we do a lot of gardening, but we also do a lot of religious-based tortures as well. Yeah, are you considering a rope crucifixion or a nail crucifixion? I want to nail that fucker! I want to nail him to the fucking stick! No problem, we could do that.

Well, you know, we're going to look at a bit of it. It might increase some of our costs. Now, do you need Romans? Yeah, I hate Italians!

All right, you want to tell that silly story? Yes. Tell a silly story. See, this is like good, hard, and fun for me. Oh, yeah. So this is a Dart Pro user. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a great story. There was a man who won a controversial Dart contest. How he won was controversial. Because he loaded up.

Stinky farts on the man, on his opponent. And then he won because everyone knows you like the smell of your own, but you don't like the smell of someone else's. But this is truly, it's devastating. It's not illegal, I don't think. They can't, they can't. They're trying to like fight him now because they're saying that he won the championship. They're like trying to like take and strip him of it. I say he's the champion now, but you can make a rule for the future. If there is any sport where...

Where crop dusting as an offensive measure or defensive measure, I think it's more defensive measure. Yes. And it's not darts, then I don't want to watch darts or be a part of darts. That is a bar sport. Yeah. That...

hinges on farts being loud as a part of it. It's the only sport that you can smoke and drink while you're doing it. And you can smoke. The old days, have you ever, I've fallen into holes of watching old dart competitions. It's pretty great. I love watching all that, and it's just nothing like seeing a big fat

And we have a true veteran duel.

Three more each. Whoa! He's smiling. He is smiling from ear. His competitor looks like Ann Burrell. So...

That's where she was. So James Wade won it. And James Wade, you can't really hear it necessarily, but you can hear it a little bit. We'll maybe pump it up after. He throws the darts in, and then as he's walking toward to collect his darts, he lays a massive fart on his competitor. It was a juicy one. Yeah, you could tell. But the competitor is angry. You can see him. He goes, ah, fuck.

And the smile, the sweet, satisfied smile on his face. So now this is the second time he's done this. The second time is a little more offensive, I have to say. As someone who's a fan of this guy immediately, I will say the second time he did it was a little egregious. Yeah. You see, he like holds the table on that one. You know, he really embraces himself. Oh!

Yeah, see, that's the problem with that one. I think that it's too much of a setup. The other one was so... It was mid-stride. You can almost feel like I had to fart. I had to fart. What are you going to do? I was holding it in since the last go. But this one, he took time, went over to the side. Gripped the corner of the table. And then laid it loose. So that is, I would say... The second one I don't agree with. That's the closest I put towards...

Like that he's messing with stuff. I feel like the second one. He is what got him in trouble. I think so. I think the first one was brilliant. Yeah. The first one was well done. And this is just too. You know what this is? You know what this is?

This is Deflategate, but for darts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Because they all do it. Yeah. Right? They all do it, right? Everyone was doing the Deflategate stuff. Everybody was messing with the balls. Everyone's doing this stuff. These guys fart and shit on top of each other all day long. There's no way they don't. It's all about the egregiousness and making an example out of someone. Yes. And so when it comes down to it is that if you are the best of the best and you're still farting, then we really have to think about this. Did Tom need...

to really go that far in deflating the balls. I mean, it helped him. It made him a little bit better. But everybody does it. And he won. Yeah. So it's not a big deal. Everybody does it. I mean, honestly, I don't think it's... Unless you put in the rules no farting. Also, if you put no farting in the rules, then go fuck yourself also. Also, I can't fucking fart. This is a drunken sport. But I think... Beer farts are a real thing. I legitimately, if I was UK, and I am, I would sit outside of the dart court

competition. I would do this legitimately. There should be a square taped on the ground where you can fart. Oh, interesting. And you can go and fart and burp and curse or do whatever, smoke your cigar in the smelly square. And you go into the smelly square and you hang out there and you can do that and you can do all that while you get it all out.

And then you go back into the darts. Because then I think now you're going to need a fart ref. Yes. Now you're going to need a guide because, again, that's flagrant. Can you say timeout? I'm going to call that a flagrant. That was a flagrant fart. A fragrant. Fragrant. Fragrant flagrant. Yes. But I'm not...

But I'm also not angry with him. Because you know what my daddy taught me? Win. A W is a W. That's right. That's what my fucking daddy said. My daddy said, fucking, you get up a winner and you have that trophy and then all the losers can fucking eat your fart juice. Yeah, no, he is a champion. And you can't say he's not a champion. That's champion behavior. Yeah, no, he's a winner. I appreciate this guy. It's champion fucking behavior. Never stop digging. Never stop going for that itch. Never try to make that cut. You gotta make that cut.

Yeah, so I'm with you, buddy. Congrats. I'm real proud of you. Yeah, we like you. James Wade, come on in. I'd invite you in if I wasn't worried about you farting so much. Oh, no, we're having him over Zoom. Yeah, he's a Zoom interviewer. Can we get an interview with him? I could try. I'll reach out to him. Let's get an interview, because I'd actually love to know more about, I think that professional darts are the funniest things.

Of all of them. He's pretty big. I don't know if we can get him, but I'll try. The professional darts. Have you seen the professional cornhole? Oh, I love professional cornhole. The guy with no legs? I don't know about that. The champion of cornhole right now is the guy with no legs. The My Left Foot guy? No, he has a right foot. This guy's got nothing. This guy ain't got nothing. He's nothing but stumps. But he's all hands and arms, which is the only thing you need for cornhole. Is he in a chair? He ain't no hands and arms either.

Interesting. I didn't know this. No hands, no legs, cornhole champion. Wow. The man is literally all torso and dick. Whoa. And he is a champion cornholer. He's better than any one of you. Well, he's closer to the hole. No, he's not. He's on the ground. It's the same amount of line. It's the same line. It's the same line. Look at that. Oh, I didn't know he had no hands, too. That's what I'm saying. No hands, dude. Oh, he's got no hands. Oh, yeah. Look at him flip that shit.

I mean, he'll make your wife come. I would feel so bad beating this guy. No, you can't because he fucking, that's what he's using against you. He beats everybody else though. Yeah. He's using it against you. He just got another one. And he jumps forward too. I don't think, I think this guy's kind of cheating. No, they're allowed. It's look at the other guy because he's carrying it across the line anyway with that. Your foot can't cross the line. His whole everything crosses the line. But not until after the thing's released. It's not until after the cornhole's released. Buckets though, dude. Come on. Yeah, dude. I think he's cheating.

You're going to fucking walk up to the man with no hands and no legs and is fucking crushing it every day. Is this more of your extreme pedophile humor where you would laugh at this man with no hands and legs as he's wiping the floor, not just with his shirt, where he's wiping the floor with the competition. I would honestly, though, he's on the ground.

If the farter went against him, he would definitely win. He might die. Because he's right at fart level. Yeah, he does. He's right there. Yeah, he did it from a fart test. Oh, my God. I think that. Oh, my God. We got to bring them together. We do. This is also if they could do it as a team, too. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah, this would be amazing. Dayton Weber. Shoutouts to you, Dayton Weber. Dayton Weber, dude. What a fucking champion, man. He really is. I was making fun, but he is a fucking champion. No, he is a fucking deck guy. Look at that stack of money. It's cornhole money. Oh my god, he's got a big old necklace. I love this guy. Yeah, of course, dude. Of course he does. Hell yeah. Good for you. That's insane. That's fucking crazy that he can do that. How did he lose his limbs?

Apparently it was just irresponsibility. Quad amputee. So there's a story there for sure. We'll try to get him too. I want them together. We should have a sports roundtable where we talk to all of these sportsmen. I'd like this. Where we talk to this style. The real sports. Because Joey Chestnut's coming back this year. Joey Chestnut's going to be fucking champion again. I can't wait. It's time for it.

I just knew that seat was empty for far too long. I will say, when Tyson came back, not as good. When Jordan came back, not as good. Jordan was distracted by all the gambling and getting his father killed. And then the stuff with Joey Chestnut. I don't know. Does the muscle relax? I don't know. I didn't realize how much of a champion he really was. I thought it was just a hot dog thing. I didn't realize he owned...

dozens of food consumption titles. No, he's good at it. He's got big tubes. He's got clams, all that shit. Big fucking tubes, dude. Yeah, he sucks it down. Shrimp? No. What food item do you think you can go hard on? I can't eat fast, but I can eat. I don't like the speed, but for amount, I can guarantee I can eat a pound of shrimp just me. I bet you I could eat five.

Yeah, no, I think I could eat three to five pounds of shrimp. I think shrimp might be the thing I can do the most of, too. And chicken wings. Chicken wings. See, chicken wings I get full. Shrimp, I can just keep going. I almost don't ever get full on chicken wings. I'm always slightly hungry after I've eaten a basket of chicken wings. Really? Yeah. Wow. I could eat a bunch more. I definitely get full on chicken wings, but I think shrimp, I mean, should we do this? No.

I would love to take you on shrimp. We should talk about this for Summerham. Summerham, yeah. Shrimp contest? Yes. Yeah, because Summerham, we skipped Summerham last year. I don't think we're going to have time to do it this year, to be honest. No, but I'm bringing on the whole thing. It's going to be one of our big phase three things. 2026. Yeah. 2026 Summerham. Oh, you don't know? We're doing Summerham. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So keep your eyes peeled. Henry and I are going to have a sandwich-based competition. I guess shrimp po'boys could be in there. I just want shrimp in there. Now I just want shrimp. Yeah, now I want shrimp. This has been a very food-heavy.

It was coming from you and now you infected me with it. I ate before coming here. Yeah, no, no, no. I sevened.

Listen, we've got to end this. We have to end. It has to end. I'll just get to these letters next week. Yeah. I'll get to these letters next week. I've got a couple of letters here, but we had so many fun stories that I wanted to get to them. We even forgot about the angry beekeeper who was driving drunk and the cops pulled him over and then he unleashed his bees on them, which is an amazing ability. I mean, that's the whole story. That's the only story. It should be like, get them bees. Yes, my mighty bees. They rise. The bees rise.

Like that's amazing. He got them too. Oh yeah, of course. Cops ran. That is the, I will say, again, we ain't giving you a lot of tips here. Bees fuck cops up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so if you've got hundreds of bees, there's a lot of stuff you can do. Keep them in your car. Yeah. They have to be ready to loaded. They'd be loaded and angry. Wasps are better.

No, wasps actually are not better. What do you mean? They're not better. Wasps are not better. Beakers are better for it. For attack? I believe. For a big crowd of them. Yeah. Yeah.

Wasps are more angry than bees. Side stories, lpotl.gmail.com. Bees are friends. I know that, but I also don't know which... Let me just ask. Yes. Let me ask the veterinarians that are trying to find a way to get away from the cops. They better be fucking old. Yeah. I'll tell you that much. I know. I know, Eddie. Entomologists can be a little younger, but I would appreciate... Live every day trying to be the youngest entomologist that's ever been. Love the fact that you're nine and you love bugs and you don't want to get married to a 39-year-old man unless he's really ready to commit.

Because you're not laughing at his extreme pedophile humor. You came all the way from the Ukraine to get married. That's right. And now you're angry because you're in Florida and it's hot and you want to get back to the war. And you are sick and tired of being in this hotel room because it's facing the parking lot and you hate the view. And I get it. So, sorry, nine-year-old. Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, we're going to be in Atlanta this weekend. Come out to the side story shows at Dad's Garage. Sold out. You're fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The night before on the 28th of June, this is I think Saturday night, we're going to be at the Coca-Cola Roxy in Atlanta. Come check us out.

Henry and I got a show at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City on July 11th. And then the following night, we're going to be doing Last Podcast and a Left at Sandy Amphitheater on July 12th. August 7th, Asheville Orange Peel selling out fast, Asheville. Love you, Asheville. Can't wait. Yeah, so if you want to go to that. We're almost fully sold out on that one. Yeah, that one's actually almost done, so get in there now. September 21st, Henry and I are going to be at Truman Hall in Kansas City. Crime

We'll be right back.

this week and I'm also going to be on page 7 this week so keep a listen out for that. Fuck yeah and go and check out all our new YouTube channels LPN TV, The Foreign Report, LPN Romantasy, Who's the B and we have so much stuff coming out for you guys. Go on all the socials and all the horse shit and we will see you next week. Bye you dirty fuckers. Bye you fuckers. You're so dirty you fuckers.

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