Side Stories: Hvaldimir the Russian Spy Whale
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It doesn't matter. You're thinking with your cock and balls. You're thinking with your wiener, dude. Just because he's handsome doesn't even mean he can be Ed Gein. This is what we were talking about, man. This is what we're starting with. Yeah. This is what we're going to start the whole day with. This is going to be my cold open today. I love it. Because I'm angry. I think it's great. I came in angry thinking about this. And there's no reason, right? Because it's not like...

I'm in line for it. No. You know what I mean? I don't know anybody that would remotely be in line for it except for Marcus Parks. Yeah. Because honestly, if I was going to choose who I would cast in Ryan Murphy's new serial killer show, I would cast somebody like Marcus Parks or...

who has a capuchin-style head on a man's body. Also, he's a phenomenal digger. I mean, you know, that's what Ed Gein was great at. That was his number one. He was a spadesmith. Yeah, exactly. That's what I would go as far as... He didn't ride a motorcycle, I'll tell you that fucking much. We started in hot here. We just want you to know, up top, Charlie Hunnam, who I believe...

I believe it. Sons of Anarchy fame. Is that what he's from? The lead of Sons of Anarchy. He's so... He's very handsome. He's beautiful and British. He's very... What? He's British. Are you even... I'm fucking angry. I'm even angrier...

Then I started yeah that he's British as well Uh-huh. Yeah, it's British. What is even so if you don't know Charlie Hunnam this Benedict Arnold this traitor of his own people is

All right. Coming into our country. These are the immigrants I'm concerned about. This British man who's coming in playing our American serial killers, Ed Gein, who's not even a serial killer. No. He's not even a serial killer. He's an artist. He killed two, right? He's an artist and a friend. But he did kill two people.

Yes, but he was a great babysitter and a sculptor. And the fact that Charlie Hunnam thinks that he can come over here from his fucking Buckingham Palace, what is he going to get off? Well, what is going to happen? Is his butler going to drive him here on his rickshaw? And then he gets to get off of his little royal cart? I mean, to have a butler rickshaw driver sounds delightful. I know, but is that what's going to happen? He's going to roll in as cosplaying as one of our famous American bikers, which they don't even have in the UK. They have, like, motorcyclists.

They do something in the UK that's not even motorcycles. I'm sure they got a couple dangerous guys on motorcycles over there. No, they don't. It's Australia. We learned that about the bus.

The bikies. The bikies. The bikies are Australia. They're a problem. That's a problem, but the UK got nothing. They mostly got people dealing with hot tea. That's their major problem in the UK is spilling hot tea on the police officers. And then you even tell me that fucking Charlie Hunnam is going to come and steal our rolls for our fucking people. I don't even think you've said what he's doing yet. He's playing Ed

In the new sexy Ryan Murphy version of Ed Gein, which doesn't even make any sense. Murphy's Law, you ever hear of that? All the sets are fucking chaos. And he treats his PAs like shit, man. Whoa, I thought that Murphy's Law was like a Candice Bergen show from 1997. It's probably both. Welcome to Side Stories. Who would you like to... I think you'd be a great Gein, except for you have too much personality. I know that. Yeah, yeah. And I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. Hello!

How are you? If I were to have... You and I talked about this right before. Yeah. When this news came up. And we both said, this is erasure. It's fucked up. It's really fucked up because, like, Ed Gein's one of the ugliest people who's ever walked the planet. This is ugly people erasure. Yeah, like, he's uglier than Joe Cocker. Yes. Oh, man. Joe Cocker is Charlie Hunnam compared to Ed Gein. I know, I know. You know what I mean? Ed Gein needs to be, like...

You know, technically, back in the day, immediately, in my head, is Danny DeVito. Oh, he's got too much personality, too. You're right, you're right. It needs to be someone who's barely alive. It needs to be, I got it in my head right now, it has to be David Pamer. It has to be Steve Buscemi. Oh, yes. Steve Buscemi would have been a great...

Do you know who would have been an amazing, amazing Ed Gein? Harry Dean Stanton. Oh, interesting. Harry Dean Stanton would have been an amazing Ed Gein. Now, was Ed Gein old when he was doing his shit, or was he young? You know, these days, who can you even tell? He looked fucking, he looked old. We honestly, I think he looked great. Look at him right here. Yeah. With the hat, he looks old, but with his hair, he actually looked kind of handsome. He looked kind of debonair there. He was, I want to say he was in his...

Yeah, he was like in his 50s, I believe, when he got caught. So I feel like that's not even old anymore. Yeah.

Not with stem cells. But Charlie Hunnam, I mean, he's fine. I don't have a problem with Charlie Hunnam. I've got no problems with him as an actor. And you can't really get mad at him for taking the role. Of course not. Because, you know, of course you're going to take the role. It's just another role to take. Ed Gein belongs to us. It belongs to the uglies. And American, that is an American tapestry. That man, while...

It's bad. We can't celebrate him. But still, that's a patch on the American quilt, dude. Ed Gein's a part of our DNA, dude. And that patch is made out of skin. Yeah. Vagina skin. Vagina skin.

Which is why we like it so much. I mean, he does look pretty attractive in this picture. Just this one picture. He does have the butthead haircut, though. You know, with the shaved on the sides. Yeah, you know. He's a bit of an oddball. That's what they called him. But yeah, I guess good luck, Charlie Hunnam, and have fun taking our American dollars back to your fucking country. Yeah!

Now, that's one story. Honestly, we have very little updates today. We're going to roll into some new stories because there's a lot of chaos. But one thing we wanted to bring up was how much fun was Chicago this weekend? Oh my God, dude. That was the fucking best. So good. Park West. Second.

Second side story show in the tush. Yeah, dude. It was so great. You're going to say thank you to everybody who came out and saw us live this weekend for our last podcast on the left and side stories. You guys are probably some of the best comedy audiences in the entire country. It's weird. Chicago, they treat...

Like, it's like rock and roll. Like, it's cool. But guess what? I'm just going to honestly, unfortunately, it's not. No. But thank you for the lies. Chicago, it's really been fun. And you were blocked up. You finally got your dookie out. Of course. You ate too much cheese and you couldn't shit. Now you shit today and you're feeling a little better. See, I wasn't even going to tell them that. That's an update, but that's a friendship update.

date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I wasn't even going to let them know that because sometimes they don't even understand that our travails, like our intestinal travails also, for us, are a part of the story of this show. No secrets. None. Because, hey, I got nothing to hide except for my genitals in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine was like a foot and a half.

It was great. Hey, don't make me jealous. I've been duking hard, man. Stop bragging. I think it hit the bottom of the tank and it was still in my butt. Stop it. This whole point, we're trying to stay relatable to our audience. I'm sorry. They can't hear how pristine your dumps are and how big they are because they're eventually going to think you sold out. Yeah, be jealous. You should be. Be jealous of how I duke. Now, this first big news story, it's not a news story. Essentially, it is an update. It's an update. But it's...

massive fucking insane it's huge and it's also one of my favorite things because it shows that the news still can't like they're afraid of rap the news itself is extremely afraid of rap they don't know how to handle it at all I still love that every single anchor was like

Famous rapster Sean Puff Daddy Combs was arrested today in suspicion of human trafficking, which is like they're all like they don't know how to handle it. They don't know what to call them. Yeah. I do love that every single legal document, which I do believe it is.

because they have to, to identify him, they have to represent him by all of the various names that P. Diddy has been known as all these times. Well, now it's just Diddy, right? It is. I...

I'm pretty sure it's just Diddy. It doesn't matter anymore because he's a human trafficker. Yes. Again, well... At least this explains why he hasn't been putting out music. He's innocent until proven guilty, but it's not looking good. It does not look good. This comes from the police report. For decades, Sean Combs, a.k.a. Puff Daddy, a.k.a. P. Diddy, a.k.a. Diddy, a.k.a. P.D., a.k.a. Love, the defendant, abused Diddy.

So now we know that he had a whole network of guys and the whole thing came a-tumbling, a-tumbling down when, first of all, he was sued successfully in a civil suit by one of his ex-girlfriends, right? Cassie.

She came forward and said that he abused me. All that video came out with it was super horrible of him attacking her in the hallway. And then this shit has just been rolling ever since. And man, as soon as I saw when they got his drug mule,

And he looked like the skinny guy with the big Adam's apple from Road Trip. I knew that he was cruising for a goddamn bruising. Oh, yeah. No, it just looked like the kid who dropped out of fucking Stanford to deal drugs. I'll tell you everything. He just says, I'll tell you everything tattooed across his chest. There's also a man by the name of Lil Rod that was one of the producers for Sean Combs, who's coming forward and saying that not only was he forced to do drugs, but they're kind of illustrating this fact

extreme practice that Puff Daddy used to be a part of, which was he called freak-offs.

Now, this is all in the police reports. This is from, this is all came out of the raid that happened on his home, I believe it was six months ago, almost to the day, that they did a full raid. If you saw it on the news, all of these giant military trucks showed up at his compound, I believe in Miami and New York. They went and went through everything, apparently looking for this videotape that Lil Rod said existed, which he said was thousands upon thousands of hours of

footage of these so-called freak-offs. Now, these freak-offs, this part of what was, I guess it was just this sort of competitive sexual event that he would hold in his home. This is fucking crazy. Where he would bring in male sex workers with various ladies that were around them. Some, I believe it was a mixture of a lot of them, where he would watch for days where they would film from multiple angles, large, crazy orgies fueled by drugs, drugs,

Obviously, coercion, physical coercion. Apparently, he would sit there and he'd masturbate during the whole thing for days. He then would hook him up to IVs. He wouldn't even have sex. He would just jerk off to it. Apparently, he would just watch and film. That he liked to coordinate everything and he'd watch from afar. He wanted live porno in his house. I guess. I think that, I mean, he was a producer to the end.

And so I feel like that's what he was doing. He was producing an orgy. He would like jerk off on the back of some dudes while he was having sex with some other people. And then he essentially, allegedly...

He then would film it all and then hook them up to IVs so they could continue to go. And then afterwards, they would be IVed up. He'd hook them up to IVs so they could continue to fuck? Yes. I just wanted to say that again because it's completely insane. And then after the fact, they would get it to hydrate. So were there like doctors involved?

It sounds like there was a lot of staff. But from what I've learned from Vegas is that you don't really need to be a doctor to hook up somebody to an IV. Mostly you need a lab coat. Yes. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's a special training to drawing blood and stuff like that. My father was drawing blood for a little while for money. Wow. And where do you get the, it was hard for him to get all that red paint. Yes. So, all right. I got a couple of questions. What's Cuba Goody Jr. have to do with this?

What are you talking about? What am I talking about? He's added to the fucking assault. A lawsuit. Well, Cuba Gooding Jr. has had... He's had a lot of problems. He's had some allegations of being a bit of a diddler himself. Yeah. He's accused of sexually assaulting. He was connected to Little Rod. This is part of his... Little Rod's a bad name, by the way. By...

I'm just saying, like, Rod's dick. Everyone knows it. So your name essentially is Lil Dick. I think that's because... I mean, I'm sorry about you being obviously taken advantage of here, but Lil Rod's a bad name. Only if that's Lil Rod, I don't want to meet Big Rod. But they, Cuba Gooding Jr. and him, apparently, yes. Cuba Gooding Jr. has, like, had a lot of...

allegation activity being tossed around recently. He is a bit of a, he'd do a, you know, old-fashioned taco grip on a couple of butts. And that's not what you're supposed to do anymore. It's not 1957. Yeah, Lil Rod said that Cuba Goody Jr. sexually harassed and assaulted him. Yep.

Groping him while aboard Combs' yacht. Not good. Whoa. Not good. That's not where the life vest is. This is wild. Yeah, Jones complains that their Oscar winner. I love that they put that in there. The Oscar winner.

began touching, groping, and fondling his legs, his upper inner thighs near his groin, the small of his back near his buttocks and his shoulders while in a yacht. Last year? Oh, yeah, this is not good. This is like while he's going through all these allegations and court appearances, Cuba. Honestly, I feel like in this article, they should have said Star of Snow Dogs. I feel like it's unfortunate that they have to bring the Oscars into this and to possibly sully. How can you sully me?

Oscars. It's such a way that you would, you know. Because Snow Dogs, obviously a film for predators. Yeah. Now, is he going to go down as being as bad or worse than OJ Simpson, who he portrayed?

Technically, I... Well, we'll find out. OJ killed two people. OJ killed two people. Yeah, that is the difference. Which he was exonerated for. Yes, but then he had a civil suit when he was not exonerated. Yes, yes. Now, Huber Gooding Jr., right now, just seems to be a part of the...

Oh, man, I don't want to call it the meat tenderizer portion of the Sean Combs butt system where he does put people through. Because according to Lil Rod, I am using the name Lil Rod because that is his professional name, is that he said that he felt he was being groomed by Cuba Gooding Jr. to essentially and Puff Daddy to sort of be then...

shared amongst his friends. Now, this is not, he's now being held without bail. This is P. Diddy. He's being held without bail, which means they have a lot of evidence on him. The fact that they even went in. He's got RICO charges, full-on racketeering charges. He is in quite a bit of trouble. But he's got a lot of money.

So we will see how far that goes. I feel like everything's piling out by the second. It's the only way to get somebody like him. It's the only way. Because it's the same thing that we saw before Epstein, whatever happened with him. The heat was finally rising. This is at that level. The thing about this story is the reason why I think we're even talking about it is because this is legitimately...

At about an Epstein level. We are now getting to a full on... Many different artistic names. High money people. All involved in these giant... Sexual coercion... Essentially systems. They're all involved in it. You wonder why people distrust Hollywood...

Because it's like this is literally an example of this massive system of sexual assault. And it's as big as any one of these other things. And it takes a mountain. It takes a mountain of evidence. It takes a thousand people coming forward at once in order to

push something like this over. And that's what Epstein was seeing while the writing was on the wall, which is also why they're hiding everything. Also find interesting, there is some justice in the air these days. Ghislaine Maxwell, she got her, like she was supposed to do this big appeal for her sex trafficking charges. That's all got dropped. So she's now, she's stuck

She's in fucking jail. You got, you know, obviously Trump is hiding. He's really trying hard to not release any more of these Epstein records that also implicate him and Bill Clinton and... The prince. Prince. Well, there was like... Not prince as in the prince of... Prince Andrew. Prince Andrew. Yeah, Prince Andrew, like those guys. So...

It's not good. But at least it feels like maybe we're at a point where some of these absolutely gigantic crimes can start to get prosecuted. Now, my dream scenario for this? Oh, God. Puff Daddy gets put in the same prison as Suge Knight. Oh, man. And then there's a fucking...

And then the feud starts again. Oh, yeah. All over again. And then the albums start again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they start... Because that's the thing. Maybe he can rediscover... Maybe that's what Puff Daddy needs. A redirection of attention. Because we were talking about this right before the show. God, imagine if Suge Knight killed Puff Daddy in prison. I would...

Like, imagine if that's something that could, I feel like it's not, it's definitely not going to happen. No. But this is my, like, if I was writing the story. It's fan fiction. This is your fan fiction. It's my fan fiction of everything that's happening right now. You know, this is just, this story is just going to ever evolve, and we're going to find out what is, what the end result of all this is going to be. I think that Puff Dad is going to end up being in quarantine.

I think he's going to see some jail time. But we will have to get there, won't we? Because he has got a massive legal team, but it looks like a lot of the writing's on the wall here.

So apparently in the 90s, a woman said that Puff Daddy shot her in the face. Yeah, I believe that this has been he's been paying people off for a very, very long time. Good God. And then it was the same thing when he publicly assaulted that woman in the hotel. And then he went and paid off the entire staff. They gave them all money to hide the video. He's been doing this for a long, long time. And I do think that this whole group of people.

They're self-made versions of the Illuminati. This is what they're doing. This is what, in my mind, when we get our heads mixed up about the Illuminati and what we are, like, what conspiracy theories think is the Illuminati versus what it actually is, this is what it is, is rich people cosplaying

playing as the quote unquote Illuminati because they want to put that amount of control on another human being. It's all about control. It's all about, you know, hazing a bunch of people because you came up hard so you wanted to make sure everybody else experiences this level of fucking, this pain, right? And then you get to this kind of like megalomalignical kind of like position. You get to this sort of like

I don't know. I don't know what you'd call what he thought of himself, Sean Combs. He just kind of thought that he was a god amongst people, maybe, and that he wants them all to sort of be on display for him. I mean, why wouldn't he think this? He's been doing these crimes for 30, maybe 40 years. Yeah, and he's been fine. I mean, that's the reason why all those guys are just so used to getting away with it. Prince Andrew was just so used to getting away with it. Trump's so used to getting away with it. I mean, it's fucking nuts. He is responsible for Biggie and Tupac.

Yeah. Yo, he is the one who fucking is responsible. He tried to hire the fucking... We just, we did the update episode. We did the update episode. We talked all about it. Yeah, he tried to hire the assassins, the Bloods, to kill him and shit. Like, it's fucking nuts. Yeah, he's a legitimate criminal. He's a legitimate criminal. But I hope now that he is in jail and he can focus on the music. Yeah.

Because he can get back there. Because we were talking about right before the show, how do you have the time? How in the living fuck do you have the time? I don't have enough time to call my sick aunt. And it's like, I'm not even that busy. Don't you want to have a mindfulness practice? That's what my mind is. Don't you want to

Played D&D with your friends? Yeah. I got a cousin who had a baby. I'm riddled with guilt because I haven't sent a gift yet. Have you thought about inviting a baby to a freak off at your house? And again, not to participate, but to just be there. I mean, he had to have had a lot of people producing this shit. Oh, that's what they're... This is what we're going to find out is how many of those people...

No one else got picked off. And it had to have been, like, a team of, like, at least 10 other people, bare minimum. He kept those... That was a pretty tight-knit group. And then also you wonder, when it comes to Jeffrey Epstein, about connections to the Mossad and to the Russians and to the Chinese. And he had all of this, like...

He was a spy, probably for several countries. Yeah. So that's why for so long they couldn't do anything until finally it got to be too big in America. And then he died one last... With a smile on his face because he got to keep his secrets one last time. Yeah.

Man, because that's what it was all about. It was that it was all about using information as leverage over other human beings. And he didn't even care about the information himself, you know, except Epstein was obsessed with preserving his dick with science. And he had frozen all of his calm and he was doing all of these things, trying to create like a breeding program for his DNA with all of these models, which is like literally why he was giving money to Harvard to help him with his like,

Power cum like workshop. He froze his cum? Yeah, like he has a whole side thing with the that's why he gave all these money to these very very high-end but fringe research groups because they were all gonna try to help him live into the future. He was gonna try to live forever and have him and his cum babies live on some planet somewhere. Talk about making your own ice cream.

Oh, the frozen cum. Frozen cum ice cream. Now I get it. Now I understand. Come on. No, thank you. Thank you. You ever open your closet and think, why did I do that? That looks horrible on me. These aren't shirts. These are bags. We've all been there. But...

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Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, squarespace.com slash left to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Speaking of the Russians. Oh yeah, there's another spy. I want to talk about this story because this is, what I love is you deep dived into this. Because at first I saw the same headline as everybody else. Yeah. Former Russian spy and beluga whale, Hvaldemir, has been found dead. Dead.

in mysterious circumstances in Stavanger, Norway. Don't you fucking even try to spy on us, you damn dirty whales. Yeah, well, see, um, so, Hvaldemir, um, he was between 15, he was between 14 and 15 years old, and belugas, they live up to 30 years in the wild. Oh, so it's like, so he was young. He was a young one, so that's why we do think the death was suspicious, right? It was a suspicious death, it was definitely unnatural causes, um, but a little backstory on him, um,

Hval means whale in Norwegian, and he's named after that and Vladimir for Putin. So Hvaldemir is his name. And I also really appreciate this because you do have a love for whales. We did the horrors of SeaWorld the last two weeks. Man, people have been writing me about their SeaWorld stories. I just think it's interesting that you are covering this is another enemy of the people whale. Yeah, well, I mean, he loved people.

Oh, yeah, I meant, but he loved it. He loved humans. He loved information. That's what they taught him to listen, right? Extremely friendly, was used to, that's how they knew that he was trained by people. Well, also because they thought he was a spy because he had a camera strapped to his face when they found him. The camera, they assumed he was Russian because the camera on it had the words Equipment St. Petersburg written on it. Oh, yeah, legitimately. Scratch it off. Yeah.

You know, if you're going to like being like, uh, uh,

Spy camera from Taiwan. Yeah, yeah, just write property of U.S. government. Just write it on there. No, it literally said essentially property of KGB on the side of his head. Yeah, but he was so friendly to people because he had been trained and he was beloved in Norway and he like adventured off to Sweden for a little while, but they were worried about him when he was in Sweden because there's less fish, you know, so they thought he was going to starve to death.

You're also fucking spying on one of the neutral members that are now finally sidling towards NATO. That's one of those, like, I believe Switzerland actually just joined NATO, if I'm not incorrect. So it sounds like that was just a further project for fucking Havaldomir. Yeah, so the gentle giant who measured some 13 feet long and weighed about 2,000 pounds. This is not a gentle giant. This is a spy facility.

from the Russian fucking government. No, he was a cutie pie. He didn't know he was a spy. Mata Hari was hot. If someone strapped a fucking camera to your head, you'd have no idea. That's a goddamn spy. We didn't take any of that Russian money. For Norway? What's Norway doing? We were offered the Russian money and I said no. I said no. I said give it to fucking Earwolf. Ha ha!

You give it to Earwolf, and that's what they did. They went and they gave that money to Scott Ackerman. And I didn't want us to be implicated. All right? So that fucking whale knew exactly what it was doing. It had no idea what it was doing. It was getting fish. Yeah, all right. Well, he was...

He loved people. He retrieved a kayaker's GoPro one time. Some kayaker dropped his GoPro and it sunk to the bottom and the whale went and got it and brought it back to him. Because he didn't want to retrieve cameras. Yes, that's the problem. That's bad. Yeah, because then it's looking through the camera just being like, looking for American secrets. He was playing with an underwater drone one time, which I don't understand that concept. He was attacking our surveillance. I know. He was attacking our underwater surveillance. But is it a drone if it's underwater and not like a submarine?

I don't fucking know. I don't like... I think drone sticks to the air as far as the classifications. I think that they're different. Am I paying attention to the wrong facts? Yeah. Um, the...

Here he is. He's so cute. He's going up to the kayakers. He's fucking a spy! Yeah, well... This is fucking... All of this is nefarious. One thing I love about spies is they got great breasts. There is such a thing as an underwater drone, but it's different. Oh, okay. An underwater drone is unmanned.

The submarine is manned. Oh, okay. So it's a remote control thing. All right, I got it. But anyway, there's a conservation group, One Whale, who's really bringing up the fact that they expect foul play. They think that he was shot. He's wet, right? Because where was he? He had circular wounds. So where was he wet? In Norway. Norway.

Man, he just got too close to the fjords. Yeah, yeah, they said... That's how we got into fucking, if you remember from when we went through Operation Paper, during the Manhattan Project, we were trying to get our way into the secret nuclear bases of Germany. We had to go through Norway.

Sure. Yeah. So one whale's flipping out and yeah, I know. So one whale... Yes. One whale was flipping out. The whale was murdered. It was shot because of the circular wounds. He also had scars from being hit by boats because he liked people too much. Russia...

Has been caught before using whales and dolphins as spies. I remember that. Yeah, and apparently we have done it as well. Of course. Yeah, but the necropsy came back and he was not shot.

So they made a big deal. They made a real big deal about it. All I ever saw on the news was Russian spy whale get shot in the head execution style. And I thought that was awesome, but also sad. Well, it's actually sadder than that because it seems like he starved to death because he had a stick in his mouth. Are you trying not to laugh? It is sad. It is sad.

Yeah, he had a stick in his mouth and he couldn't eat, unfortunately, and that's how he died. It's extremely sad. The holes were superficial. There were birds pecking at his corpse. And I know that in the end, we can't. If we celebrate the death of our enemies. One whale still hasn't admitted that they were wrong. When it comes down to it, yeah, sure, we're in some kind of, I'm almost going to put it, a medium rare war, right? That's what I'm calling what we're in right now versus Russia. But this has nothing to do with us. But the thing is, is that stuff like this, we're a hair away from nuclear war.

All right. If we whacked a spy dolphin. Spy whale. Beluga. Sean, a fucking whale med, right, for spying against us. This could be one of those things. So remember that story about like- I'll tell you one thing. This fucking beluga looks more like Ed Gein than Charlie Hunnam. Oh, I wouldn't definitely cast this beluga over Charlie Hunnam. But when you hit Russia, I was making a goddamn point, Eddie. Sorry. Goddamn it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What happened to you? I lost it. You lost it? We're at a nuclear standoff with Russia. Yes. We're killing their spies. We kill their spies. You remember that one story that they, the two people who had the, it was like the guy, there was one guy that stopped nuclear war between America and Russia. Yeah, but he was Russian. Because he knew that there was a mistake. Yes. Right, so he didn't turn the,

key to shoot the nuclear weapons. In the early 80s. I forget his name, but yeah, it's a terrifying story. This is the type of shit that heats it up between us. Yes. Oh, yeah. If we whack a spy whale. Between Norway and Russia. But still, that's NATO. Right? That's us. But now that we know that it's essentially died of a fucking stick. There you go. Yeah, it was just a stick. And that's really just sad. It is actually sad. No, yeah. Before, it was a great, awesome story. Yeah. Yeah.

But then, you know, facts came in and... Ruined the story again. Ruined the goddamn story. Every fucking time. I hate facts. Yeah. RFK Jr., I just want to bring it up. If we're talking about dead whales, we might as well talk about RFK Jr. for two seconds. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. He is being investigated because of the whale that he cut the head off of. Can he go away? Is there a way? How do we get rid of him? They're trying with this. Is there any way? No, none of this works. He basically admitted it. He said that the statute of limitations... Every...

single time a piece of news comes about RK Jr. For some reason, people are like, and that's why I like him. Like, there's something about this man. I don't know what it is. He has no charm. He has no ideas. His voice sounds like liquid hot lava. Yeah. Right? And then he just, he just,

Decapitates. So he's found, I guess the story, right, is that he found a beached whale. He heard of a whale that was beached. And his first thought. And he gathered his family in a chainsaw and he ran over to the beach and he cut the whale's head off and he strapped it to his car and then he drove down the highway with it so he can keep the skull. Why is this your first thought to do? Even if you just go look at it, it's cool. I get it. It's cool.

But this idea of chainsawing through a fucking wall of blubber randomly, because it's like, it's not like you started the day thinking that you were going to go out and cut the head off a giant whale's body. Like, that's almost even kind of different. Like, let's say you're an Inuit and you're out there and you're going to go cut the head off a whale's body because you're going to cook it and you're going to eat it. That makes fucking sense. This is Herf K. Jr. You're a fucking Kennedy.

You literally, you see it dead will. Your first thought is like, I gotta get out of my house. He didn't even see it. He heard about it and he fucking went. He got his family together to watch him chainsaw the head off it. I don't know, man. I guess, I guess it's supposed to, I guess this is, this is normal now and it's supposed to be fine. All right. And that's supposed to be a sound idea. All right. So let's just talk about it like we're assholes for two seconds. Sure. Um, it's already dead. Yeah. And you chainsaw its head off.

What is the crime?

I'm not talking about criminality. Yeah. It's about... I mean, you're a piece of shit for sure. It's more just don't you have better things to do with your life? Did you hear the story of what his daughter said? She said that when he tied it to the car, he had to tie it through the windows. And so when they were driving down the highway, the fucking whale guts were going into the car and getting all over his daughter. There's just no purpose for it. No.

There's no purpose for it. I guess he stole. I guess he would like sell the whale skull. Yeah. No, I think he kept it. He loved it. He loves animal things. He loves animals. Yeah. That's what he likes. Yeah. He likes sections of animals. Yeah. And I don't really care about hunting and I don't really care. It's funny is that I guess in my mind that if this was any other person in any other position, I would think that that's kind of fun.

Yeah. But if you, but I don't, you can tell this story to who? You're going to tell the story to the prime minister of fucking, like you're going to go into some like big international thing. You can tell like the prime minister of Japan, the story, and he's going to go, ha ha ha. Amazing. Like, does he still have the skull? That's the thing. Who cares? Who fucking cares?

fucking cares. But like you go to his house, you see a giant whale skull, you think he's like, chainsawed it off. I mean, it's a whale skull! I chainsawed the head of that whale off. I guess it's all just shit. I guess it's fine. It's whatever people want. He's got worms in his brain. He's just gotta go away. I just don't want to hear about him ever again. No, he will go away. Now, this is a guy that I hope doesn't go away. This next story...

I love this. What a good idea. I want to say that this is an Owen Wilson movie that will not get made anymore. Okay. But it's great. This man, he claims he gets paid to ruin people's weddings. This is an amazing story. I don't like him, but it's an amazing story. He's smart, though. This guy, a man by the name of Ernesto.

Now, he does this bizarre service. This is in España. This is in Spain. He claimed that while most people see their wedding day the happiest of their lives, right? For some people, they feel locked in. They're locked into this fucking marriage. They don't know what to do about it. It doesn't make sense. So he is offering this service where for $500, he will arrive at your wedding and he will say, I am the bride or groom's lover.

I'm here to say, let's run away together. Yeah, I'm going to stop the wedding. And so they run, they do the thing, which I've never heard in a wedding ever. Never ever heard in a wedding, if anybody objects...

No, it's only in movies. No one ever cuts that out. Everyone cuts that out. I cut it out when I've officiated five weddings. I cut it out every time. Me too. What are we going to do? Someone's going to object and we got to kick his ass? It's just this idea of like- It's always going to be a dude, right? Always. And it's never like, in my mind, it's this moment of, why do we have to open the floor to you? Yeah, no. What are you talking about? At what point, dude, why must you be able to have this feeling? You had to wait until now?

Yeah, today. Today, you were invited. There was a paper invitation sent to your home. You could have done this at any time. Months ago. Yes. And so he says that he will, for 500 euros, he arrives. So he's had this multiple times. And according to Ernesto, if you have doubts, if you want to get married, but you don't know how to say no, don't worry anymore. I will cancel the wedding for you.

You only have to tell me the time, place, and date, and I will appear at the ceremony. I will say that I am the love of your life, and I will run away together, hand in hand. And he says that he's had so many responses that now he is booked out through the rest of the year. Yeah. He did not expect this to be anything. I guess he just must have hated weddings. Yeah, well, he gets charged. It started as a joke, and then it just turned into a real thing. And he charges 500 euros. Yes. And if he gets hit...

He gets an extra 50 euros for each time he's slapped, punched, or kicked. I mean, he needs to because someone is going to literally murder him. Someone's going to kill him. Yeah, someone's going to murder him. No, someone's going to end up murdering this guy. We're going to have to do an update on this guy in a couple... Wow. ...before his bookings are up. But this would be a Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson vehicle. Yeah, of course. Of course. Because I know there was wedding crashers, which I do believe was something like this, but it was more about getting laid. Yeah, that was more just like showing up and meeting people and having a good time. Yeah, having a good time. But this guy...

monetized it in a way that really kind of weirdly, in a way, kind of makes it cut and dry. I mean, this would be a great Wedding Crasher sequel. Oh, very much so. The idea that then, now, you have to do it for money? Yeah. Someone write it. And go have it not get made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. If we would, because they don't make comedies anymore. Now, it is very, god, just the idea of showing up, it's just super fucking ballsy, man. It is. It's pretty wild. It's so, like, he's

Because he doesn't look, not to judge, but he sort of looks like, remember Ziggy? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he does look like Ziggy, the cartoon character. Yeah, so he's got this sort of, he's very soft, almost Mr. Magoo-like. Like, just the idea of him being like. Yeah. I think it would work better if he was more attractive. Sure. You know, if he was like, if it like, like Dylan McDermott.

Oh. You know, so- Honestly, then I feel like that's kind of a bridge too far. Or how about Dermot Mulroney? They're basically the same person. They're the same. Different. It's basically the same. I've met Dermot Mulroney. He's a lovely man. Oh, yeah? Well, he's great for this, then. He would be great for this, yes. Yeah. But, yeah, hopefully he can get- Next thing you know, now we got to do this with the Supreme Court. I feel like there's a lot of ways to use this ability, this interrupting man ability. Yeah.

Yeah. Because this would be a good way to fool everybody at a funeral. Oh. Right? Show him up in like, I'm the long lost son. That's actually not a horrible idea. You know, like, that's a good, that's a good, like, new way to like fuck up another type of event. Yeah. You get a bunch of pictures of them, put them in your wallet and be like, my brother. At a baby's like birthday party or like a baby shower, you could show him and be like, I'm the real father. That's my baby in there. That's my cum. Yeah.

You know, like that would be really fun if you want to get, if your father looking to get out of the baby shower. Can you? I mean, are you allowed to get out of a baby shower? Oh, a baby shower is just, you know, people come bring you gifts. If you, cause that'd be kind of fun. Think that anything like that at a baby shower? Paternity tests. Wow. Like you do it. I mean, I figured you should know by then. What did, instead of a gender reveal, father reveal.

I'm sure it's happened. That's what Montel Jordan was for. Oh, a mess up. Not Montel Jordan. Maury Povich. Maury Povich. Montel Jordan is this is how we do it. Yes. And he also... But we could... That feels like that's a service we should provide. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Paternity tests at baby showers. I mean, don't stop there. How about maternity tests?

Is this your baby? I would love to know because there's more. I talked about chimera DNA a little bit. You could have been basted. You never know. Chimera DNA happens all the time. We just don't know. We just don't search for it a lot because we never really hesitantly, because not a lot of people want to call into doubt the mothership of a baby if they've seen it coming out of a woman's vagina. But I say you actually don't really know because maybe were you with her the whole time? It's kind of like when you go to the airport internationally. You could have been Roshari's baby sleeping. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. When you go to airport internationally and they say stuff like, did you pack your bags? Yeah. You're asleep. You don't know if somebody pushed a baby up inside your pussy? No idea. No idea.

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There was a thing we used to talk about a lot on Side Stories called, how is this a crime? And it came from a story. This is real. Back in the day, it was a story of a man that was pleasuring himself with a cucumber up his butt in front of a restaurant. And was one of my favorite comments I ever saw on a Yahoo News article. Because at the very bottom of it, one of the first comments was someone writing in all caps, how is this a crime? Now...

We know why it's a crime. Yeah, yeah, you're showing your butthole to a restaurant. With food, which is even worse. The fact that you're fucking yourself with food. Is this a different way to toss salad? I feel like this is not... Is this feeling like the salad is tossed? I don't know. It looks like it's more like the salad got impacted. Or your butthole got impacted by salad. Oh, okay, yeah. Now this is just a video from Truxton Circle in Washington, D.C.,

of a very relaxed man looking like he is on his way back from the grocery store. Okay. And we see this young man smoking a cigarette, relaxing. For some reason, he is trespassing through a broken fence. Okay. He's got a little...

plastic sack. This is at a restaurant? Oh, no. This is outside in the middle of the day. This is in an alley behind an apartment building. Now, if you notice, he has a cucumber in his hand. He has taken it out of that little plastic bag, which I believe he has come straightly from the grocery store. Now, he is lowering his pants, as you can see here. He's not even hiding. Nope.

He, you know, very, he's, he's still smoking that cigarette. Now, if you notice, what you're seeing here is struggling. Now, what I believe what he's doing in this moment in time. This is an obstructed view. He is affixing the cucumber to the grill of a stranger's car. Oh. Oh, yes. It is now sticking out of the front of that car, much like the car itself has an erection. And then what he is going to do now is that he's sort of like looking around. You can tell he rubbed lube all over the cucumber, it seems. He seems he's dropped his pants. Oh, my God.

Now he is just fucking backing into it. Wow. Now that is the wildest thing I have seen in a second. That's crazy. He looks like somebody faking being on a carriage being pulled by a horse. He is bucking up and down, up and down, much like what I was forced to do this morning in Goddess Pose. What I love about this is the fact that he is continually just smoking a cigarette. You're supposed to wait until afterwards, right? He doesn't even jerk off.

He just gets himself pummeled in his butthole a little bit, waiting. He saw the van coming. He knew a van was coming, so he stopped. He pulled the cucumber off the car, I guess. And then I guess decided he's had enough or his lunch break is almost over. That was just a quick couple pumps. That is the single, still smoking. Still one of the- Didn't even finish the cigarette. I don't- Wow, yep. Just wow. Wow.

And look at that, kind of irresponsibly putting it out. Yeah. And then he puts it right back in his bag. Oh, there we go. Oh, he's still using it there. Oh, yeah. Now he's using it a little bit longer. Oh, yeah. Wow, he's doing it the old-fashioned way. Maybe he's itchy inside of his ass, and he's using it to scratch an itch inside his asshole. He's literally not even smiling.

He is experiencing... That was it. Oh, and he put it back in his lunch bag. Yep. Oh, he can't put it back in the cooler. No, he did. Oh, no. No, he did. Wow. Has he not pulled his pants up? I think that he's being casual about it. No, he's not. Yeah. No, no. It seems to be more of the style of the time. I feel like you should use a Dodge Ram.

Have you seen the new Hyundai power bottoms? If he loses his rhythm, he should try a Ford Tempo. Now apparently he has not been caught.

Oh, really? This was just video that was put onto the Washington, D.C. subreddit. What's to catch? I don't know, Eddie. I don't even... And I guess the question is, how is this a crime? Because this is almost in a way... He did take it in the alley. I will say... And he brought it around behind the building. Yes. It feels like a... Come on, that was great. That was great. It's true. Get me something for that. Okay.

It does sort of feel like because no one saw it that it's like if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there to hear it, right? Where this man has just spent a day in our nation's capital blasting his colon with food. Chocolate City. He made it that way. I guess he was looking for it.

I just, and then he broke into this place. It seems like he knew where to go. He knew that the fence was broken in this little parking lot. He seems to have scoped this out. I don't think that this is this man's first rodeo. No, no, no, no. And he held on for longer than eight seconds, too. And he never came. Can you imagine? We don't know that.

Did you see him make a cum face? We barely see his face. But no, you notice he did one round. He did slowly finish or a couple more pumps when he came back around from the car. Yeah, he did a chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Looked like he was making butter. Yeah. And he was. But he never, look at this, no smile. No cum face. He just looks very serious. I'm sure he was smiling when he was walking away. Look at him.

Look at how serious he is. I mean, this is a business. You know, this is all business. I don't see anybody. I don't see money exchanging hands. No, I mean, you know, he's, you know, business between himself. But I also don't know how, if you are just noiselessly plugging yourself, why can't you just do this in the bathroom at work?

Not that I say you should. He probably got caught at work. Oh, yeah. You know? And you think they had a... You don't think they got him immediately fired? Do you think they just gave him a warning? I mean, all he did was waste a cucumber.

As long as the cucumber doesn't get back into the other cucumber population. You know what's funny, though? In my mind, it's basically wiping his ass, but he's using a cucumber. I'm not following you on that. I won't. I won't join you on that. For me, it depends on what his business is.

If he's an office worker, I don't know why that's fine for me. No, he looks like a cook. If he works at a Carmex, yes, that's why I don't like this. Yeah. Is that if he worked at any other type of job, I'd be fine with it. Fucking yourself in your butt with the cucumber at work. Because again, the cucumber is not, there's no way it's going to, I just feel like again, it's about- There is no grocery bag. The cucumber could be stolen from work. It's all about the attitude you're setting. It's all about the atmosphere that you're bringing about at work. That to me is the issue.

Is that if you think about food that way, I don't want you cooking it. Yeah. If you get turned on enough by that, because that's the thing too is, I'm going to say this to our people. It's not that I have a problem with them sticking things up his butt. It's the fact that food is not a super safe thing to put up your butt. It should really be a dildo. I had a buddy who fucked a cucumber, but the other way around. He hollowed it out and used it as like a flashlight. Why? Why?

I don't know. He was young and didn't understand jerking off. Yeah. This was a middle school story. We all were like, you did what? Yeah. Why are you telling us? You know that this is going to ruin your life. So we'll ask the perennial question. How is this a crime? It's definitely exposing yourself. Yeah. It's all sorts. Yes. Yep. Yeah.

Yep. Well, the fence is broken. Oh, very much so. I will say that...

They do have two fences, and one of them's an electric fence that you can open and close and put a car in there. But what's the point of that if the other fence is broken and you just walk in? I wonder if he Kool-Aid manned his way through that first fence in order to fuck himself in the butt with that cucumber before. Oh, yeah! Yeah, I mean, I guess so. You never know. Real quick, though, I just want to bring this story up because I'm kind of obsessed with it. And there was this guy in Vegas, a gas station worker, who...

um, overreacted when a man was using the nacho cheese machine and he, um, in protection of his store, he hit the guy with a baseball bat in the head. Yeah. That is an overreaction over a nacho cheese. Yeah. I feel like, cause in the end I, he is correct because it is not cho cheese. Yeah. Yeah. The gas station attendant, this is the Las Vegas review journal. Um,

The gas station attendant thought the man was getting too much cheese from the nacho cheese machine. And then the man broke the machine and the attendant told the police. And he was being rude and he wouldn't leave until he hit him in the fucking head with a bat. They'll break the nacho cheese machine. Vegas is crazy sometimes. Guess what you're going to not do again. Yeah.

Break that nacho cheese machine. Yeah, man, that's not anybody's cheese. That man knows that if that cheese goes down, I bet you that he's been wrestling. I'm not going to support him necessarily, but he has been wrestling with that nacho cheese machine for so long. And then the guy broke it. So many people come in and out of that, wherever that establishment is, looking for that nacho cheese.

It's probably the lifeblood of that whole neighborhood. It'd be the same as banning fracking in Pennsylvania. Yeah. That if you shut down that nacho cheese machine, everything's going to come to a grinding halt. So the fact that they fucking, that guy came in there, fucked it up, he got regulated. Don't fuck with the cheese, dude. Yeah, man. He hit the guy twice, once in the head and once in the gut, and when the cops showed up, the dude was still spurting cheese.

blood out of his ears. Fuck! He's just going to be like, I'll use any other kind of cheese. I'm sorry, sir. Next time I'll use the Swiss cheese. But you put it out there for customers to use. They can take as much as they want.

Have some common sense, Eddie. Have some common sense. His name was Myron Bully. Yes. Which is also a very funny name for a man who beats another man over the head with a hammer over his face. That is a perfect name. Yes. And now there's another story about a head injury I want to show you. Oh, dude, this one's funny.

Fucked. This is crazy. It's not even a story yet, really. Well, first things first, we'll put this together, is that I wanted to first of all say, I'm sorry to the Knoxville Jester. Oh, yes. I've been unfairly lumping in the Knoxville Jester in with the Soupgate storyline, and there are a lot of people coming forward to defend. I like the Knoxville Jester. People defended the Knoxville Jester. Her name is Raven Scott.

They call her, she used to be the skipping jester of Seattle, but she moved to Knoxville, and she just likes skipping. And she skips for up to six miles a day. And that's how she stays in shape. Nothing wrong with it. And she loves to skip. And then she works at a commercial mechanics when she's not skipping and not in the jester costume. And she does a cheeky thing of asking the fellow mechanics, how do they feel about the Knoxville jester? And they say stuff like, love him. Yeah. Because they don't even know it's a lady. Amazing. But...

See, that's a nice story. Yeah, it's very nice. Out of Knoxville. But now out of Nashville. Have you seen these pictures yet? I tried to get you to not look at these pictures. Did you see it? No, I'm excited. No, I'm excited for these pictures. Rob, could you please pull up the pictures? I don't know. The story is still developing. We got it right as we were walking in, but the pictures are so insane. I had to show Henry. This is from Ian. Oh.

A man, a houseless man, a homeless guy. I'll tell you what, whenever you call him, it's not going to help what's wrong with him. Oh, wow. A big part of his skull is mixing, and he's walking around with his brain exposed. Now, I'm looking at this guy. Now, this is a horrifying story. I feel extremely bad for this human being. But the one thing I find interesting, he's still smoking. He checked himself out of a hospital because he couldn't vape. Oh, wow.

He checked himself because he couldn't vape. Now, I'm looking at a picture. The only way to really describe it is... It says he was injecting drugs into his brain. Yeah, that. Oh, yeah. It's open for it. I'm looking at a man whose head, the only way to really describe it is it looks like the cover of the... Remember the cookie from If a Mouse Gets a Cookie? No. You know that If a Mouse Gets a Cookie then story? No, I don't.

Right, you see, if you give a mouse a cookie. It looks like a convertible is like half up. Yeah, if you give a mouse a cookie, it looks like that. Yes. So it looks like our cartoonishly bitten chocolate chip cookie. I mean, I guess the story here is that this guy is alive? Oh yeah, it's just walking around and he loves vaping. And honestly, weirdly in a way, how do you say...

It sounds like maybe the vaping's kind of helping him. I think there's got to be a chance that he's already dead because his brain is just straight up exposed to air. I mean, he's walking around just hanging out. He seems to be fine. I mean, I guess whatever you needed was non-essential to be walking around in order to purchase cigarettes because you notice he switches cigarettes.

So it wasn't about the vaping. Someone on Reddit, I mean, who knows if this is true or not, said, if anyone is curious, I have some connections to the care workers that know this man. My understanding is that he lost part of his skull in a car accident some time ago. He usually has a helmet to protect his head, but he lost it.

and he'd been picking at the wound pretty aggressively. Oh my god, I want to die. I'm looking at this right now. So that's a permanent situation that he rolls around with? Yeah. He's got cookie jar head, and he gets to just, he's walking around like he's got krang on the top of him? Thanks to the Nashville Reddit page, they found him, they located him, and they got him a new helmet. They're doing regular check-ins with him, and he's

doing okay. My question, I think he needs more than a helmet, friend. I think he needs a bucket. Yeah, I think he needs a new head. I don't know what else he needs.

You don't think you're Nelson needs. You know what I think he needs? Mentos. Yeah. Mentos, freshness, Mentos, freshness. I feel like you throw a Mento in there, right? That might help his whole thing. He might end up in a Foo Fighters video. Here's another comment. Dave Grohl. Can we talk about Dave Grohl? Oh, sure. Talk about somebody who's missing a fucking chunk of his ab. Oh, man. What are we thinking, Dave Grohl? Come on. He's a rock star. He had a baby. He's owning up to it. I don't know. His best friend died.

Yeah. Best friend dad. That's all I'm going to put it out there. Yeah, I don't know. He's fucked up. I feel like there might be some, I mean, I don't know. It feels like we just headed into controversial territory. It seems like a bunch of none of our business as far as I'm concerned. Hey, man. Hey, I'm not the one with the fucking latch on the top of my head. Yeah. All right. This fucking guy. I'm thinking about this guy, right? This guy right here. Think about this. You know what's nice about him? Eddie, just so nice to see people in Nashville keeping an open mind. Oh.

There we go. There we go. There you go. I like that. That's a good one. But hopefully they do anything to help this guy. Yeah, maybe get him a Band-Aid. You know what he could use? Honestly? Saran wrap. Wow. Yeah, or a plate, right? Don't they put plates in people's... They gotta close it. Dude, I feel like that kind of gap needs a dish set. I mean, the brain can't get dry like that. Yeah, I mean, he's by the fire hydrant.

God damn it. Probably he uses spit or something in there. This is the fucking craziest thing I've ever seen. I don't like it. Yeah. No one's supposed to have a section of head gone. Yeah. Unless, of course. It's like the bottom I could see, like Robert Ebert, but this is opposite Ebert. I actually have heard that he's actually on his way to apply to be the screenwriter for RFK Jr. Oh. Well, it's a lot easier for him to get worms in his brain than RFK. Jimmy Kimmel, hire us.

This is us. Late night. Late night stuff.

We're good at it. Oh, my God. What a really disturbing and fucked up visual story that's really hard to really express over radio. Yeah, they're actually, it's just a bunch of, it's a series of pictures. There's no actual story. No, there's no story, but it's just crazy to see that much brain on a guy walking around. Yeah. Casually. He doesn't even look like he's in pain. No, he's got his legs crossed and he's smoking a cigarette like he's Buckminster Fuller on like a fucking, back in the day, like a 1960s talk show.

Yeah. Well, we really covered a lot of ground today. That's right. It's time to get to some stories. Not stories, emails. Emails, you know what I'm saying. You know what I'm fucking saying. All right, you want to hear a really fucked up one? Yeah, I do. Let's see if we can top the last one. This is really fucked up. Why we don't castrate sex offenders. Okay. Hey guys, love the show. I'm a sexual and domestic violence lawyer who knows more about child sexual abuse than I wish I did.

Other than the cops. You shouldn't have taken the job. No, these are the type of people we need. Because thank God it's not a guy going, yummy, yummy, yeah, tell me more. You know who watches the most child porn? Who? The cops. Yeah, they really do. Yes. Yeah. They really, really do, and God bless them for it.

Now, other than the constitutional issues involved, why we don't castrate sexual offenders, which we talked about this, we brought this up a little bit about like, I would say, take my dick, please. You know, if I was a pedophile, which I'm not. As a matter of fact, I like them older and wiser. You made it sound worse somehow.

The reason we don't castrate pedophiles or people who commit sex crimes is because, unfortunately, it doesn't work. When it's been tried at different points in history, people still reoffend using objects as a substitute for the penetration with the body. Yes, knowing this is terrible, but knowledge is power. Isn't that great?

We need to keep supporting organizations using evidence-based methods to keep pedophiles from offending as they frequently come under undeserved fire because people believe they're trying to legitimize offending spurred on by misinformation in the culture wars. You're completely correct. We are trying to figure out what to do with these people, which is largely why we just put them in a essentially like a halfway house right next to some of our neighborhoods. Amen. A citizen app told me I got a new one in my neighborhood. Let's go meet them! Yeah.

There we go. Let's go meet him. Here we go. Now, here's a good last story. It reminds us from the last couple episodes. And just remember, I was going to give you a bit of a reminder this week. We're getting back into true crime. Thank God. And it's going to get pretty gross. I grew up in the Houston area. So we visited SeaWorld San Antonio as a, quote, vacation destination often. I fell for the Shamu show's magical facade and wanted to be a marine mammal trainer my entire childhood.

When I turned 16, I was starting to have to make real decisions about college. I knew my lifelong dream probably wouldn't make the best career. However, I was determined to at least give it a chance. So I saved up my babysitting Christmas and birthday money for over a year to pay for SeaWorld Career Camp. Oh, my God. So they make you pay to train? Of course. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

For a week, I stayed in a bunkhouse on property, shadowing various trainers and attending educational trainings and demonstrations. One of these demonstrations was how the trainers collect semen samples from dolphins to send around the world in various breeding programs. They have hand signals to tell the dolphins to swim to the side of the pool and roll onto their back. The trainer makes a series of special touches around their genital area, instructing them to expose their penis. It's usually tucked inside their body.

The trainer then gives another series of command touches, places a bag over the penis, and the dolphin ejaculates into it on command. Nice. I actually talked to someone who used to work at SeaWorld recently after the show. They messaged me and I called them. It was actually a very interesting conversation. But they said that the dolphins come in like seconds. The force of the come. According to this, the force of the come hitting the bag was shocking.

And it's kind of like a pressure washing raincoat. Yeah, they come hard, man.

So do the Miami Dolphins. I've heard. Apparently some of that is on videotape at P. Diddy's house. The trainer then gives hand signals of the dolphin who swims backwards across the pool, still extending his still extended penis flopping around the surface. He washes himself off. That's nice. And he goes like, you know, sorry about the eyeballs. Yeah. At 6C, and this is my first time even seeing a penis, and

Eight feet, according to Death at Sea World. Yeah.

Kelty Lee Byrne's death was used to emphasize why the trainers are required to train so vigorously physically. They blamed her. They stated she died because the whales didn't realize she couldn't swim and hold her breath as well as the trainers and the death was accidental.

They used Daniel Duke's death to underscore why trainers aren't allowed in the water with the whales until they have spent years building relationships with them. They indicated that as Duke was a stranger intruder, possible threat until it comes environment. So he was justified in dispatching him.

I will note that at least while I was there, SeaWorld was conducting a lot of rehab efforts with various wildlife, which I have heard this. They have to say I'm sorry a million times now. That's how it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they are a legitimate science organization now. Yes, they are trying, yes. And so long story short, I chose not to become a marine mammal trainer because of the terrible pay, lack of any PTO, and slim chance of securing a position. I pursued a degree in environmental science and currently work for a company building industrial solar farms. Cool.

I'm very happy with my choice and obviously recognize how inhumane having orcas in captivity truly is. However, I always get a big reaction to parties when I tell them about my first sexual encounter. Ha ha!

Really good work. Really good work. Do you remember when you were a kid and they would go around the room and ask you what job you wanted to be and every hot chick always said marine biologist? It was always marine biologist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is so funny. It really was. And it was the prettier girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And I don't know why. I think it's because they saw girls with ponytails on the, like, ads. Right in the, yeah, right in the goddamn whales. Yeah, I guess so. And it turns out.

They were all just ready to get fucking murdered. Mm-hmm. And that's what happened to those little girls, but they chose not to. Oh, Rob's got some cum videos for us. Oh, good. Very good. Go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. Did you say patreon.com? Patreon.com. So you can watch these videos of cum be extracted from the inner dick pussy of this orca. One of my favorite moments we've ever had on the show.

Go to L and add LP on the left for all the social media where we will have to blur out

There's Orca's dick pussy. I mean, they didn't blur it out on YouTube. I think we're fine. I think that that's because they're fucking, it's when we put it back up. Because for some reason, YouTube, they love to pull down our videos every single time we show We'll Come. And they need to live knowing that whales come. All right, that's natural. It's not dirty. It's not porn. This is not porn. It's come. I hate watching this.

this. It is porn. You know what? I'm never going to laugh as we are discussing by ourselves watching porn gets watching come get extracted from a whale's pussy dick. You know what this makes me think of? What? Tomorrow.

The Hoopagoo game returns. You got to check it out. Come and check it out. It's the Goo Goo. You're right. Twitch.tv slash LPN TV. 6 p.m. Pacific, 9 p.m. Eastern. You come watch the Hoopagoo game. And I'm on that, right? You're going to be doing it tomorrow. And Kara Clank and we got Grant Gordon. It's going to be a lot of fun. Of course, Amber and I will be there as well. It fucking better be, man. You're going to love it, buddy.

And go to lastpodguestontheleft.com. Come check it out. Our live shows are fucking good. They're right on the money. We're fucking carting it right now. Yeah. Come see us in Philly. I think Philly sold out. All that sold out. If you come to New York. There's still some tickets for Brooklyn. There's still some tickets for LA. And there's definitely tickets for Reykjavik. So go see us in Iceland. That is. Make it a trip. Come on, Reykjavik.

Go buy the fucking tickets. We were told. Marcus is like, you know, Iceland's too cool to buy tickets ahead of time. Well, it's like, we need you to. Yeah. Everybody else is fine. Everybody else got their shit together, Iceland. But thank you so much. And we can't wait to see you out there. All right. Say, hail Satan. Hail, uh...

Which one? I don't know. Choose one. I don't know. Who? I can't think of anybody. But who's the hero today? Everybody's so evil today. No one's good. No, you know who's not? Who? The Knoxville Jester. The Knoxville Jester! As far as we know. Hail the Knoxville Jester for now. For now.

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