Side Stories: Killdozer 20th Anniversary
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Hold primates listening! It is I, Numator 479. According to our studies of your puny mammalian race, we discovered you like very good coffee. And while it is our evolutionary purpose to cause you psychic torment, we want you awake and vivacious to give it. So try our new blend from Spring Hill Jack Coffee. Reptilian in the morning...

Our proprietary blend of lightly roasted cocao husks will have you immediately energized upon emerging from the pain cloaca with all your slippery new eggs. Thanks, honey. Hot, hot, I'm cold-blooded. Eggs to Spring Hill Jack and last podcast on the left. I'm ready to get out there and eat some babies. Get out of the way, Hillary Clinton. Beep, beep.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. Side stories? That's when the cannibalism started. Side stories. Yes.

Just preparing. Just preparing? It's important. I was trained to speak. Kim. Kim. Kim. Kim. Fuck. Kim and fuck. Fuck. Tom and fuck. Fuck. Today is the day that we... Were your headphones in, by the way? Yes, I hope they were. I hope they were. So today is the day after the day...

That this whole country came together not 20 years ago. What are you doing, man? This is crazy. To watch a man by the name of... So many of us have talked to you. Marvin Hemeier. A difficult man, yes.

Was he fined by the U.S. government? And then he, in his most patriotic fashion, did he write pay to the order of cowards into it when he paid for his fines for not having a septic tank? Yes. I bet they fucking cashed it. Is that something we can learn from? Unfortunately, no. But the years Marvin Heemeyer spent... You're a coward for not letting me overflow my shit container.

That's a brave stance for a man to want to sit in his bed, piles and piles of his own shit. Let me guess. Unwived? No. Couldn't be wived if he wanted to. Marvin Hemeyer, 20 years ago on June 4th, the year 2004. He, people say terrorized. Some people say terrified.

I just say alternatively celebrated the town of Granbury, Colorado with what the old, the SWAT team can only call his impregnable machine. The kill dozer. He did over $5 million in damage. I have been told I, you would know it was between it's, it's big. It's a lot. Mm-hmm.

It's a lot. He committed... He gave himself the... Ow! Inside of his own killdozer. That means he shot himself by putting his gun in his mouth. In the mouth. In case people didn't know what Henry was talking about. And yes, he did not call... Again, he did not murder anyone, but it's not like it was for lack of trying. I will say that. I will credit... It was attempted murder for sure. He tried to kill a town. A town. He tried to kill an entire town. But...

In the process of that. No, I'm just saying, but in the process of that, he taught us all that sometimes a reasonable person is driven to do unreasonable things. Yeah. That's all. Sometimes it's the only excuse you can give. Doze or be killed. Yes. Thank you, Eddie. Welcome to Side Stories. My name is Henry Zebrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson. Yes. Brought to you by No Doze. Which is what you should do in Colorado. And...

what he was on. Yes, and they have yet to bring, we have yet to bring them on as a sponsor. And they seem to still be vaguely hesitant with our pitch of pairing no-dos with the ironic celebration of the kill-dozer. And they said that they're not ready for that.

Even though technically they almost killed Jesse Spano. Jesse Spano? No-dos? You remember that? I'm so excited. Oh, was that no-dos? I thought those were diet pills. It's something. It was diet pills. We took a lot of no-dos when we were kids. I did, you know. I loved it.

I was trying to get Henry to jam a Sudafed at him before the show today, but he wouldn't do it. No, because I have to go to sleep later on tonight. It's too late in the day. And I have just showed them how not cool I am anymore. All right. And I can't do this. I can't pull back the veil anymore, especially after we just came back. Trying to give Henry a Sudafed and he's like, I couldn't possibly. I just have to go to sleep. I have to go to sleep tonight.

Okay? It's a 24-hour active, powerful Sudafed. All right? Yes, my nose is runny because there are seasonable allergies. Okay, I can't do this. We just came back from contacting the desert. You just cod. God, you just sandbagged that by showing people how physically weak I am by having allergies. They're not supposed to know that. I was cured by the wall of flame of knowledge. I take Claritin every morning. It's fine. I know, but apparently, I don't know, buddy. I think you're weak now.

So I went to contact in the desert myself to make myself stronger. Yes. But we just came back. We, we should not.

need this anymore. We met many, many powerful healers at Contact in the Desert. Oh yeah. You guys gotta go check it out next year. Hopefully we'll be back. I would love to go back. We did well enough. They were, it was illuminating. Did you know 9-11 was done by space lasers by aliens? Yeah, we learned about that. It's so interesting. You go into one of these lectures because you think it's going to be so crazy, it's hilarious. And then you leave wanting to fight the person.

That's called ufology. Welcome, Eddie. It's your first lesson. This was... It really was a... They did a good job contacting the desert. Like, they left, like, one or two truly insane people left in there, which is great. I feel like it kind of has to be there. Of course. Even though I hated that man, I think that he...

Should have been there. Yeah, of course. That was his right. It's Contact in the Desert is his home. He's supposed to go and do a stage show. This is completely real where he plays on an electric guitar a song called The New American Anthem that was all talking about how Rudy Giuliani felled

building seven in order to hide the evidence of the Jewish mafia. Yeah, that was one of the parts that bothered me. It was a big moment. And then when he set fire to the effigy of the World Trade Center with his own homemade 3D printed laser, that's when you got me back.

Man, so I saw the Twin Towers on his display, his table. Oh, he had it. He was proud. And I went over to him because he defaced a bunch of our Hail Satan stickers. We had, guys, one of my favorite parts of the entire weekend. We developed an enemy. Each one of us, honestly. I didn't. You did not. People like me. Everyone liked me. Well, because you know what it is about you? You're obviously neutral. Yeah. Like, you did not. We were wearing several sports jerseys at Contact in the Desert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to represent.

People were dressed up unironically as full Starfleet. Like they had Starfleet costumes on walking around. They would only speak in character. It was wonderful. It was exactly what I wanted. But the truth is everybody was looking for some kind of agitation. There were people getting up in people's faces. Rob had a weird enemy. He had an old man who kept like insinuating Rob was moving too fast. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

He was so insulted by Rob's youthful speed and then haunted him the rest of the time. And then there was a man in a neon green hat, and me and him literally had a religious war over stickers between our two tables. And it was wonderful. I've never felt so edified. Satan won. Satan won.

We definitely won the weekend. Oh, man, it was cool. So he didn't know I was a part of the Hail Satan table, and I went over to go talk to him because I was just, I'm like, I knew he was the guy who was doing it, so I was just curious and shit. And I go over, I'm like, oh, so this is, what's this World Trade Center you got built here? He's like, oh, I'm going to burn it down with this. And he literally pulls out like a handgun laser. And I was like, what's that?

It's like a laser gun. And I was like, oh yeah, it's a laser gun. I was like, where'd you get it? He's like, I made it with a 3d printer. I was like, oh cool, man. He's like, yeah. And I'm going to burn the twin towers down with it later. And I was like, oh, these, these paper ones. He's like, yeah, but what are they made out of? And he's like, flash paper. He's like, oh wow. Very good. He had a tank. I,

mean this outside of the venue. He had his car that was like decorated with all of his he had a wrap of his like weird business. I don't want to talk about what his business was. He can't completely nail down who this guy is. But so on one side of it, it had a sexy gray alien in a bikini laying there like honestly asking for an invitation to fuck it. Yeah, like very strange, very sexy. But then on top of it, he had his own self-fashioned

laser gun turret cannon. Like, huge. It's not an exaggeration. Four and a half, five feet. He had an assault rifle full

Four aliens and aliens alone. It looked like a .50 cal, but laser. He said it was a laser gun, because that was the first thing we were asking. It was like, there's a man who has a mounted machine gun in the front. This is a motel. Yeah, yeah, this is not... It's a resort. Yeah, this is not... Forget it, forget it. It's not a Motel 6. We're not in the middle of the fucking desert. This is a renaissance. You know, I've used my Bonvoy points. But that just shows...

Just how high the stakes are. I was like, so what's that? You got a laser cannon on your truck. And he's like, yeah. I was like, what's it for? He's like, protection. From what? I literally said from what. He's like, whatever comes up. The IRS. That's what that means. And now I understand. But you...

Yeah, that was just one section. Do you know how long it would take him to hurt you with the laser? I mean it. We used to have a demonstration when he had the flashbang paper from World Trade Center and he used the laser on it. The minutes that went past were some of my favorite minutes I've ever experienced with us as a group. We all bonded. Every one of us were sitting in this room because people were taking it deadly seriously, sitting in silence. And we're all like...

I'm trying not to laugh. He's going like, my God. He's just sitting there talking about how he learned calculus in two. Click, click, click. Yeah, because then he's the only person who's smart enough to reason with the aliens. He invented drones. He's a pilot. He invented certain types of missiles. He's psychic. He's a mathematician. Then he was like, do not ask me any math questions. He did. He said specifically at the end of it, he's like, you'll notice in my Q&A, because of my Abramic knowledge,

and how the Ashtaric Diaries were downloaded into my brain. I can answer any question that you have. I have unlimited, omnipotent intelligence. But don't ask me to do multiplication. Because I cannot do it. It was just like, and we're all like, yeah, yeah.

He was super funny. But remember, an audience member had to help him put out the fire. Oh my God, yeah. When the guy came up and the fire finally burnt on, it finally lit up. It's flashbang paper.

And so he shot the laser at it for several minutes. I mean it. Two minutes. I started filming it with my phone to try to get, and then I was told to put my phone down, but just to see how long it was. And just the first chunk of him struggling was 45 seconds. So it's like in silence in a conference room in the middle of the afternoon, there is nothing like that silence. And so we're sitting there. Yeah. So while he's doing it, and then it finally catches fire and then he can't put it out because I remember it also started late because they were like, Oh, apparently he's got a lot of props.

All the volunteers came out. They were like, oh, no, unfortunately, he asked us to go find a flame-resistant table. We're like, what? So the thing bursts into flames, and then he can't put it out. And then two guys rush up from the audience, and they're all like, Pat, Pat in the World Trade Center. He poured his coffee on it. That's right. He poured it all over the burning train. Oh, God. The best time ever.

We're going to, our panel was great. You met Russell Targ. All right. So this is also one of my favorite. This is another good story. So everybody was really patient with us. I went around and I talked to everybody. There's a lot of people that we were told to stay away from that were actually extremely friendly and ended up being fine. We're going to have a bunch of interviews that are coming out of this. You're going to love it. That are legit good. I got to meet Dave Foley. Yeah. I can't believe it. We got to do an entire podcast with Dave Foley. He was fucking good.

So much fun. So funny. I can't wait to have people hear that. It really was an amazing trip, and we can't wait to go back. But so one of my main missions was to meet Russell Targ. And for those of you that don't remember, Russell Targ was a part of Project Stargate.

And he was the part of the, uh, essentially the lead researcher and head of what was project Stargate, which was our psychic spy program that we had made. It's the book who men who stood, the men who stared goats is based off of this whole story. That was one thing Russell Targ did, but the number one thing that Russell Targ did that I was trying to get in

with him was that he was one of the OG OT eights that worked with LRH. He was a guy that was hand trained by LRH. He also then would, he worked for nids for Robert Bigelow. He worked on the skin Walker ranch. He also then worked for project Stargate. He also then got purchased by Tom DeLonge to work for the, to the stars Academy. And,

And I was ready, right? Because I was told that he wasn't doing interviews. I was so excited. I rarely see you nervous. I wanted to talk to him. I was just like, I know that I wasn't allowed to corner him, but I just thought like, maybe if I go and like, you bought a book. Yeah. And hung out, like maybe he'll tell me something. Cause like, I just wanted to ask questions about L Ron Hubbard. And as we were talking, so of course, like everybody at the festival, which was really nice to feel at home, uh,

it's the info dump capital of the face of the planet. It was the, there was more people info dumping and other people's faces. I felt really at home as a person with ADHD slash OCD, whatever I have, but it's nice to watch a lot of people gala at each other unironically. And so I,

I was doing the same thing to Russell Targ. I walked up. First thing, I'm sort of being like, I've been following your work a long time. I work for a thing called Last Podcast on the left. We have a pretty far reach. I've actually talked about your work for years and years and years. I've read your diagram about remote viewing. I know that you teach it. And I was like learning up to do it. And then finally, as I'm talking about it, he's staring there like...

Let's just say he didn't look 100% fresh, right? But I was like, oh, but this is OTA, right? This is a guy that technically, according to L. Ron Hubbard, he can fly. He's definitely not gay. Oh, he's 90. He's 90. He's a...

He's a rough shot. He's an old 90. He's an old 90. And so he was like, this is a man that literally should be able to walk through walls. He should have psychic powers beyond all belief. And he's sitting there. He's sort of looking at me. I'm talking. And finally his handler goes, stops me dead sentence. He's like, who should he make out the book to? And I was like, Henry. And he's like, his name is Henry.

And he's like, it's like his Henry H E like screaming in his face, like three inches from his face. And I was like, okay, this is, we definitely had to pay in cash. No. Yes. They wouldn't, they wouldn't accept cards. Totally fine with it. Fine with my experience. I'll show, I'm going to take a picture of the signature and I'll show you guys. Cause it's, it's rough. He's just, but yeah, Russell Targ. What a special angel.

And we're going to miss him. Man, I wonder who's going to live longer. Rambo or Russell Tartt? Rambo's looking great. Rambo's looking great. Saw Travis Walton. Yeah. He is also tired, but wonderful. I loved him. He's great. I saw his speech. You missed that one. I went and saw him. He was great. I didn't realize the logging community that he was in, how much...

They were all kind of crazy. I love this. I love how Eddie gets introduced to little factoids. But yeah, no, apparently like when it gets, so he got out of the truck. Have you ever seen Fire in the Sky? He was abducted by aliens. Yes. And he gets out of the truck and he's basically like drunk and trying to fight the aliens. Yeah, it's pretty good. Like he gets out of the truck. He's like, hey, you fucking aliens, sons of bitches. You come down here, you.

Suddenly he's yelling and they like fucking beam him. But like turns out the week before he tried to fight a bear. Yeah, that's true. That came out, which is great. That came out in his talk, which we didn't hear on the episodes. Apparently he'd been pretty aggressive with non-human entities for a long time. He's been jumping out of trucks trying to fight random shit forever. He's fucking nuts. And then he claimed that the aliens, they brought him up after they kicked the shit out of him. They healed him. Yeah. And he hadn't been sick since. But we...

We know he wasn't feeling well last week. We know that he wasn't available to communicate, because we were trying to get an interview with him, but we couldn't hear back. And there was a lot of people that were worried. And I was just praying to God, if he arrived at his panel naked, covered in gel. Oh my God. It would have been unbelievable. That would have been fucking awesome. It would have been perfect. I mean, that's an entrance. That's an entrance. But he spoke very slowly. Yes, he did. It was like, oh, how are you making this story?

boring. Yes. It's an incredibly fascinating story. Again, welcome to Ufology. None of his slides were even close to lining up to what he was talking about. This is your first one, buddy. This is your first one. I'm so excited. He was playing guitar by the drum circle all night. Dude, he fucking closed out the

out the bar just playing on his guitar. That was also, the hang is just the dumbest thing on the face of the planet. You just look around. All these guys are so approachable at the bar till two in the morning. All the UFO guys are just getting hammered. George Norris singing a song. Rob got some coverage.

I couldn't be happier with this year's contact in the desert. And hopefully we will be back next year because that was so, that was a wonderful experience. Everybody's insane. I had no idea what to expect. And the moment we walked in, there was guy, Jimmy church is on stage, like emceeing, just like a welcome party. And then he brought some guy up. I don't know who it was, but the first thing I heard was him interviewing someone. He's like, I'm just here to find out that if

Aliens don't believe in Jesus. Do they go to heaven? Yeah, dude. This is fucking... I was like, these are very specific questions. I got, like, material for at least three other episodes because I want to talk about the concept of... You bought a bunch of books and you walked out of there with, like, 20 DVDs. Oh, yeah, dude. You are going to be filled with nonsense. Full of it.

And new shit too. I love this concept. There was a, this thing called, I believe it was Stephen Schwartz working on a project about teaching AI how to remote view and how it comes down to the concept if, if the future is what they call broken or fixed. So if the future is fixed, if it is on a track and if there's no such thing as a,

How do you put it? So if linear time is real and the future is happening no matter what and the events that happen in the future are going to happen no matter what and there probably on some level might be a way to

some look into the future, whether it's a, some kind of machine or some kind of travel, because then you're saying like, okay, so things move forward. We just have to figure out how to properly move or look forward. And they say they have the, the various intellectual property, the intellectual technology using remote viewing, like teaching methods, which I got to, I'm going to be so psychic at the end of the summer. I got three different DVDs that are going to teach me how to be psychic. A psychic told me I was psychic.

that's the first thing, you know, she's talking to wine. That's all I said with Russell Tartt. You don't know my name. Yeah.

I had a lanyard on with my name. Like, you're the fucking psychic spy. But then it's the concept that if the future is broken, which means every single action we take affects what's going to happen in the future. So there is that side, which then they believe there's no way you can train. There's no way you can really do it. Because then there was one guy that said, like, I'm going to dial all this in for when we do the episode. But that they believe that you can...

accurately use remote viewing to look into the future nine months. Nine months. And that's as far as you can go. It's like, oh, you're pregnant. I know you're going to have a kid in nine months. That's it. Well, that's if you're right about she being pregnant. You better be. If you're just guessing as a psychic. That's right. In nine months, it's hard to know. Yeah, you would know, I guess. Today's the day.

Whoa, my fucking pussies make a way. My pussies make a way. You're just about to have a baby, child. That's fun. Well, that was our update from Contact in the Desert. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Finding work-life balance can be tough, but Squarespace gives you the tools to reach your goals and have time to celebrate.

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choose your tone, enter what you need, and get auto-generated text. And that helps you save time. I know I'm sitting on about two literal wheelbarrows filled with horse pics. Now, part of the issue has been is a lot of these pictures are getting stopped at customs because some of them do depict various world leaders in horse-like circumstances that seems to be

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Oh, Eddie, you got a gift from Rob. I got a gift? Who's this from, Rob? A fan sent it in. A fan sent this in? All right, what do we got here? Oh!

It's a tortoise. Yeah, I know. It's the only tortoise that you should probably have. Oh, it's so cute. Did you see the footage? Oh, it's a completely recycled tortoise.

What do you mean? It's made out of tortoise shells? No, no, no. It's got a recycle symbol on it. There's a note in the thing. Oh, that's great. That's a very nice thing. And honestly, I think that's the only tortoise that you should have because did you see that footage of the tortoise busting through a fence? Oh, yeah. That thing's fine. Well, they got to put the concrete up. Everyone knows that. Hey, Ed, I listened to side stories and you said you wanted a tortoise. I hope for now this plushie will temporarily fill you with tortoise love. Thank you so much.

Ham, ham, ham, Red Martinson. You're the best, Red. Good work. Thank you for... You know what? This is going to sound weird. As I get older, I like stuffed animals more.

We're moving on. We're moving on. It's not a good, I don't know. I don't want to be here. I've been into him. You're turning into John Wayne Gacy. Well, this guy's going to have a good spot in the house. That's good. No, we just like tchotchkes. I like tchotchkes, but I don't like stuffed animals. I've been into stuffed animals. I don't know why. That's true. We've got some updates. Let's take a look at this. I've got a Grogu. Fuck him. And I'm going to. No, I was told not to. Legally, I can't. So last week was a pretty slow news week.

So a lot of stuff didn't happen. So there's really not a heck of a lot to talk about. Oh, that's wrong. Chad Daybell was found guilty and sent to death. That guy, done. Boom. Bye. He's not going to get anywhere. He might appeal. I don't think anything's going to happen. No, he's fine. I'm sad that Lori Vallow, it's not happening to her too. But I'm also, honestly, I am against the death penalty. I'm against the death penalty as the whole, so I'm not...

I don't know if the feeling is that I am happy, but it's more just I'm glad that the story is over. I am glad that the grandparents of JJ and Tylee feel they have some form of closure and fuck him. And I hope that I can't wait for him to go to jail forever and he can appeal and appeal and appeal and that's great. The one thing that blew my fucking mind is that after we did that update episode with Jeff Gwynn talking about Waco and talking about the...

Dave Koresh. I really do think, so you're not fully caught up to date with Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow. They are two doomsday cultists that killed, basically they created a whole gang

D&D world where they created soul points of light and dark and they made people like people were light and then they go dark and then... Oh, I just thought he killed his ex-wife's new family. See, you're saying it like it's just a normal crime, which is what happened. You're just saying like a thing that... That's the thing that happened. Yeah. They said that the kids and all the people that died turned into soulless zombies and they had to kill their bodies to save their souls. Yeah.

So that was the idea. But then, of course not. They just went to go, fuck. It's the first time Chad Daybell had ever gotten a blowjob. He got it from Lori Vallow, who is in what we've said before. She's in Idaho 11. So he was so excited to meet it. It blew his mind. No, actually, in the end, weirdly, that his first wife was also in the cult a little bit. And then she got found out that she wasn't going to be wife to the prophet pretty soon, which is why she was murdered. Everybody else was murdered. They're all going to jail. Fuck them.

But I do wish that they stayed alive. I'm mad that they're getting the death penalty. But I have a concept now. But only one guy got the death penalty. Only one. Chad. But the thing I'm realizing now is that you're watching both of them have. One of the big pieces of evidence in the trial was Trad Daybell talking on the phone to Lori Vallow in quote unquote code. And they kept talking about the blueprints for their so-called contracting job. And that they were waiting for these blueprints.

blueprints to come through. And she kept saying stuff like, you said this job was only going to be this amount of time and you only said that this job would get us maybe have a 3% chance of us getting into trouble. But now you're saying it's, he's just still like, it's all going to the plan. Just follow the blueprint. And I'm realizing what that meant.

Jeff Gwynn was talking about how David Koresh, one theory he had, it is fascinating, is that the fires inside of the compound at Waco were set as like utterly, this is a tertiary, it's sort of like, it is a full-on capital T theory. So because like, what Jeff Gwynn was broken down, there was three different things it could possibly be. One was that the fires were accidentally started or purposely started by the ATF.

That happened during that. Number two, they were purposely started by the Branch Davidians to fuck themselves up in a suicide, like basically in a suicide move. Well, he was probably dying anyway. That's what they're saying, that they were coming in and this is it. This is the time to go. But Jeff Gwynn had a really interesting theory that one of David Koresh's favorite transcripts or sections of the Bible was talking about

walking through fire unhurt. These flames were going to purify us. And the word fire was in a lot of the stuff, which is like, it does come up with a lot of Pentecostal religions. It's in the Bible. Fire is a very important image and symbology, but he used it quite a bit. And there's a little bit of his thought process is that David Koresh and them set the fires at this moment when the doomsday prophecy was coming to pass, thinking the fires are going to go. We're just going to walk through the flames. We're not going to be hurt. Yeah.

And so there's a little part of me that thinks that Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow still have this thought that God's going to spring us out. It's all going to happen. They're got the whole, all of the catastrophes that Satan's supposed to bring are going to happen. And they're just going to be raptured out of jail because they're the bosses. They're going to be Aryans in an hour. They are going to be fucking...

Lori Vallow is going to be fucking selling her own version of like a jade pussy egg soon from jail. So good riddance. Bye bye. Next one. Robert Bickton. Dead. See you later. Jesus fucking Christ. Also happened. It is not our fault. Side service records on Tuesday. This is the schedule. Yes, I understand. Big news does come out on Wednesday for the sake of fucking Christ. Because just fucking one thing happened. Just went.

It doesn't matter. I'm not going to bitch. All right? It just happens. Yeah, Picton. Why couldn't you die on Tuesday, you pussy? That's what I needed from you, dude. You fucking rat-faced bitch. You could have done one thing for this world. One thing is to give me the conclusion to the story on the minute that I needed it. But he's fucking dead. He went... He was...

You got to broom up the nose. You got to remember that people were asking, how is that possible? It's because the broom was sharpened. It was sharpened. Yeah. And then, you know, enough force. It works. Oh, you just jam it up in there, man. Yeah, it gets up in. You'd be surprised what I could do with a spoon.

Get me angry enough? Yeah. Good put. Coming back soon. Yep. And also Trump got arrested. Trump got arrested. And the other guy died. Which guy? The Slingshot guy died. One of the, honestly, truly where I want to really focus on is that we talked about a local, again, probably similar. Prince King. Similar to Marvin Heemeyer.

He's a local hero. He was terrorizing Azusa, California with a slingshot. We covered him last week and he was 81 years old. Irregular fart Simpson. He was a fart Simpson.

I don't actually, he's actually extremely lucky again that he didn't kill anybody, but he was doing it all from his backyard. Yeah. Which is kind of hilarious. Like the idea of sitting in your backyard and just shooting it, obviously it's a crime. I'm just saying like in the most innocent way fashion. Yeah, it's a fucking crime. But it's like he fired him off into the sky just from a seat in his fucking backyard. I totally understand the feeling. My drunkest days, you know, I'd light up a Roman candle and just walk outside and shoot it. Yeah, but a Roman candle's fun.

So you're saying slingshots aren't fun? Well, he made them not fun, but unfortunately, I guess he was bad. So he pleaded not guilty Tuesday to several counts of vandalism and was released on his own recognizance. He was ordered to stay 200 yards away from effective homes and not contact any alleged victims. He was in his own house, so he wasn't even, he, don't worry, he didn't want to visit his neighbors. Yeah. Because he was just attacking them. He does not, he looks like a man.

that would hold a one-man war against the neighborhood. Because I didn't get the picture of him the last time, but that definitely looks like

A reasonable man driven to do unreasonable things, quote unquote. Yeah. Oh, he does look like a nasty son of a bitch. He looks like a difficult man. I didn't see his face. I didn't get to judge him, judge him like a piece of shit. Yeah. I mean, he had a lot of problems. He's got, you know, of course, whatever. Our attorney said that he suffered from a number of medical ailments, including a heart condition and nerve issues in his legs and his back, which is why obviously why he wasn't jumping over the fence.

He was allowed to go home and pick up medications Isn't that nice And then he just fucking died And you know why that is You know why he died? The slingshot was keeping him alive My dad smokes three packs of cigarettes a day If someone takes his cigarettes a day he's gone That is literally what a doctor said to me Which is not true

I don't think that's true. But the doctor was like, you know, if you take, I mean, it's a Florida doctor. So the Florida literally was like, cigarettes is his whole life. If you take away his most of his life, then what else is he going to do? It's like, not smoke cigarettes. Yeah. But yeah. Withdrawals would be pretty tough on him if he stopped. That's the thing. I don't know if he could make it through the withdrawals. And so think about this. How dependent this man came upon his slingshot.

As a way to engage Yeah blow off some steam That was his way of getting out there Do you think he even knew that he was actually doing any harm? Yeah I think that he's I think that I think satire aside I do think that he was a huge fucking asshole Right But I understand the impulse You know But I don't want to hurt people that don't deserve to get hurt Yeah My revenge is exact Yeah

Let's move on. The last update is the Orcas. Turns out it's not malicious. No. Well, it's not. It's not not malicious. Well, they're playing. They think that they're playing. They are playing. They think the Orcas have developed a game where they're destroying these. We just don't like the game. We don't like the game. But they are playing a game. They're very similar to Prince from Azusa. They're very similar to this idea of the slingshot guys. They're like, oh, this is funny for us. Yeah.

But they're killing people. But, you know, nobody cares. They haven't killed anybody. They haven't killed anybody? No, they just sink a boat. That's it? Everyone's lived. No one's been killed. Do we know that for sure? Yes, I know that for sure. No one has ever been killed in the wild by an orca. Only in captivity. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

They're not violent. I thought they're cold. Towards humans. They kill the fuck out of some other things. And they love trends. That's the other thing. Orcas love trends. And so this is like a trend that they're doing by ripping apart these boats. Weird. Like TikTok. Yeah, exactly. And then so they're saying that this trend will actually. Wow. There are no documented reports of wild orcas killing humans. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Isn't that crazy?

But anyway, so they're saying that there's a trend that these orcas are doing. That's why it's only in Europe.

And so they'll eventually get bored of it and stop doing it. And it's only done by teenage orcas. Older ones won't do it. That's fascinating. Yeah. And like, they know that orcas like trends and like, you know, there's like more popular ones, like because they found there was this one orca that started wearing salmon on her head, like a hat. And then all of her friends started doing it too. And then eventually after a couple of years, they stopped. Whoa. Like pogs. Yeah. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah.

Whoa, yeah, it does have a salmon on its head. Yeah. What? Yeah. They just go out and fix the salmons on their heads. Yeah, it's a hat. It's an orca hat. What? They don't have access to the hats like we do. They don't got heads. That one's got it, though. Yeah.

It's got salmon on his head. Yeah, they put salmon on their heads. That's fascinating. They found one. That trend ended, but they did spot one recently. Did you just find so much about whales just trying to find out more about yourself? What are you talking about? First of all, they're not whales. They're porpoises. Okay? So go fuck yourself. Killer whale is a fucking racist stigma. They're orcas. Hey, this is your fight.

You're in the whale community. I got that right. So this is your fight. All right, let's get to some actual news stories. Again, I have a sister. Oh, yeah. You know, I have a sister and I cherish her. I cherish her and I'd do anything to protect her. I sometimes... Cherish is the thing that you... This guy, but some people go too far.

Yeah. Cause my thing is, is that your sister's your sister. And I think that we talked a little bit, you know, this is a common theme that's come up on last podcast and left talking about this sort of, uh, these family issue based documentaries, uh,

Where stepsisters and stepbrothers get to know each other in an intimate fashion. I think that this is the first time we're seeing that shit lead to something horrible. It's not helping. I don't think it's helping. Here we go. Who knows? That's us being accusatory. Yes, because some people, again... Some people can separate art from real life. All right. So this guy, Jack Joseph Ball. What a protective brother.

He's charged with two counts of second degree murder. Second degree, which I don't even know how that's possible. The slaying of his sister, Bethany Israel, 30, and her unborn child. Now, what he's saying is that this guy loved his sister too much. She went to dinner with him. I guess to tell him she's pregnant and then the sister never came back.

And so when they went to go get her, essentially from Ball's house, this guy named Jack Joseph Ball, when they went to go back to his house to get her, saw him mysteriously running away from the home covered in blood. When they went inside, whole place smeared with blood. They saw a bunch of cut off body parts. And then he was just leaving pieces of his sister alive.

in front of neighbors' homes around the neighborhood. Now, he was eventually found bloodied, covered in blood in the backyard, attempting to kill himself with a knife. He had a wound in his knife, which showed he didn't have the courage to go all the way through it. When

When they went through his bullshit, after the fact, they found several rage-filled journals talking about his sister's lost purity, saying that she's no longer innocent because she got bagged up full of cum. Yeah. Now, that is... But she's also seven years older than him. And married. And I think it's just a whole life. And so, yeah, I think he went too far.

And I think that you want your sister. Yeah, I understand. It is always kind of weird for me when people tell me they're trying for a baby. Because that means I know this act of cum here. You know, like it's here. But yeah, you shouldn't go this far.

You know? I mean, yeah, no, this is obviously incredibly upsetting. I think there's so many things. I think you're right that there is a sexualization. He had some kind of fascination, definitely, with his sister. I don't think the documentaries are helping. But the thing about the documentaries, which I want them to understand, is that I've seen plenty of things lead to lovemaking, and they're completely, totally rational. Like, you could probably get your dick sucked by a real estate investor. You probably...

some people might have had sex with a gynecologist or two. I don't know. I am going to step in real quick. I know a lot of realtors. Please don't try and fuck them. Don't try unless they offer first. You want to be in a place, the keys, you get them on the couch. No, you get them on the couch. You start talking about their ex-boyfriend. They say it's so hot in the house because they haven't been able to possibly do it. You help them to get their jacket off. You say, oh man, you must work so hard as a realtor. Yada, yada, yada. And then you get them on the couch.

And then so there's that thing you got. There's a lot of professions that lead to lovemaking. Yes. The family. No room masseuse. There's just so many. Oh my God. Masseuse. That's what I got to do. That's what I do with Natalie. Yeah.

So yeah, of course there's a masseuse angle. Specifically, normal masseuses don't try and fuck them either. No, I'm just saying... You probably shouldn't try and fuck anyone who's currently working. No, no. I'm just saying they got to offer it. They got to offer it. I'm just saying there's a lot of opportunities for sex. Even unhired, the bus driver...

All right. Who's not a position? Taxi cab driver. All right. That's a job. That's a bad one. What's not a job? What's just hanging out? What's just hanging out? Office coworkers. Sex worker? Ew.

Ew, that's so base. No, I'm talking about in the scenario, buddy. They're all sex workers. Plumber their asses out. I'm talking about the jobs that they're playing in the shows, in the documentaries we're watching. That'd be a fun TikTok challenge. People try to put their finger in plumber's butts. Oh, yeah, that'll go well. That'll fucking go well. Rob, you're a plumber. Anyone try to stick a finger in your ass? Never. Rob, just do it. I don't think you wanted it because anybody who's willing to do it

He's going to look like Mario. All right, from the Mario Brothers. Hey, look like there's an opening over here. I'm going to get in the tubes and go to another world. Oh, no, you're making the goop. Oh, man. Just me and my turtles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That really does help. You know what? Honestly, leave all of the people that come in your home to work alone. Again, let them offer sex. If you want it.

You should wear like a lanyard It's like, homeworkers, it's okay to Fuck Homeworkers, it's okay to fuck me Dude, Postmates totally ruined People fucking Pizza Boys Yes, that's what I was saying, Pizza Boys is another great example I know, but they don't exist anymore Because of fucking Postmates They're still just people you can call Just for pizza?

For a lot of places. Yeah, you can call the place directly? Yeah, I can still do that. If I wanted to. I just don't. But they don't have a guy who works there anymore doing deliveries. Old school pizza guys do. You think so? Yeah. All right. That's me. That's my opinion. Some people may question it, but I feel like when it comes down to delivery pizzas, I'm like, no. Fly from Northland.

Hey, listeners. Love this pod and want even more? You can be the first to unlock exclusive bonus content, early access, and ad-free listening to the latest podcasts from your favorite shows. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on our Apple Podcast Show page or the SiriusXM app now. All right, so this next story. Again, leave your sisters alone. Second one is, this is very fascinating. This concept is interesting. Okay. The UK is running out of goats. Yes.

The UK is running out of ghosts. Oh, ghosts. Yes. Yes. I'm taking it back. I'm just going to, I'm just going to, we'll edit it. UK is running out of goats. The UK is running out of ghosts. Okay. As old spirits are dying off. This is according to the paranormal expert, Dr. Paul Lee. Um, I honestly, I wonder, I do think it's interesting. I believe this.

He's saying that since 2020, this is according to Dr. Paul Lee, since January 2020, I've been contacting all the reportedly haunted locations on my app and asking if the residents, owners, or staff have experienced any unexplained activity. So far, I've had almost 800 replies. And even some supposedly highly haunted places like Cornersborough Castle in South Yorkshire,

The Eddington Park Hotel in Stratford said to be one of the most haunted hotels in the UK. And Fordham, Mason, and Piccadilly say they haven't experienced anything in the last few years. He has a theory that the energy, like a battery or something, like it's running out. Like these ghosts are essentially like dying on the vine. Sort of like the...

chandelier and the duster and the clock from Beauty and the Beast. Oh, yeah. Where they're not being useful. The last pedal's about to drop. Yes. And they're saying... He's saying that... But he also believes that ghosts can be recharged, which I actually do believe that's true. It seems what he's saying... How do they get recharged? By someone being scared of them? I think that what he's saying is that...

Which I also believe the Newkirks talk about, which is that, again, we're part of the haunting process. These people are saying that nothing, they haven't seen anything haunted in a long time. Yeah. But that might be because at this point it's kind of old fashioned. I mean, there is no fresh body in there that actually does believe what's happening. Or it also sort of sounds like these are places where not many people visit.

as often. But also ghosts do go dormant for sometimes decades before reappearing. They talk about it all the time. And then Newkirks talk about the idea that maybe that if there was more ghost hunts in earnest, that's sort of what helps prop up these ghosts. Like you showing up with the machines, researching it, actively pumping like psychic energy into this room that it's real. Yeah. That's what fuels it. So who knows?

They're just saying that like, I think this is more of a push of like, please come on my tour. Yeah. Like, why are you not on my tour? Like, if you don't come on my tour, he's using the use it or lose it tactic saying, do you want these ghosts to die? This is a cool thing. Now, it's a ghost tour guy who lives in London and he has to kill people all the time to create new ghosts for his tour. That's our show.

cut it out you're gonna airlift this up and out we can't give it to the we can't give it to the british we can't let him have this because i love this idea i think that he's he's well look at him yeah he can end up killing people to try to get on his ghost or well unfortunately yeah i'm not saying that he seems he just seems like maybe i'd get some point if you're saying that ghosts are dying i'm not scared of anyone wearing a millennium falcon shirt shirt

According to Torbo, LOL, this is on the comments, highly recommend they talk to a person who actually sees earthbound spirits. There are still plenty of ghosts. Thanks, Torbo. Spirits always be around us. That's according to cute boy Hereford.

Spirits will always be around us America still has plenty of ghosts though Don't worry about that We're chock full, come visit Come visit some of our best cities You're gonna love Charleston No you're not It's fine, you're gonna love St. Augustine I mean, they got good food

St. Augustine? Yeah, seafood. You ever been to St. Augustine? Yeah, I love St. Augustine. Really? Yeah, it's really cool. I thought it was just like a place where like old ladies go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you think I went? Come on. You just tell them I'm the Grim Reaper. You suck my dick. You won't go to six more months. That's sad. You shouldn't lie to an old woman.

Oh, man. Do you want to tell us your story, Eddie? Yes, this one's my favorite story of the week. There was a city of Morea in Mexico had an interesting street fight this week. I love a street fight. I love a street fight. It was amongst the street performers. There was a mariachi band and a fire breather.

And I think it seems like it was a dispute over territory because you know how these guys, they're like, you know, this is my corner. Get off of here. You can't busk here. Yes. So there was a fight. But then the fire breather decided to breathe fire on them. Ah, cool. Yeah. During the fight. Hey, man, that's what happens if you pick with a guy whose mouth is dangerous. Yeah. So here is a video. Oh.

A video. Whoa. Yeah. So here, check this out, Henry.

But then one of the mariachi guys gets him in a headlock, but he lit a couple of them on fire. Whoa, holy fucking shit. That's crazy. Whoa, we set these guys on fire. What the fuck? Yeah, man. Yeah. Whoa, it's just music, man. Whoa, he went full me lie on them. Yeah, man. Why do that? Because, you know, why develop a skill if you're never going to use it? Yes.

But there's often fights between buskers, and sometimes they prove to be fatal, even though at this time they were not. Yeah, that is—so they're not dead? No, they're not dead. I mean, they're not well. They're not doing great. No, man. I can't even believe—man, Mexico's a fun place. Do they have, like, a full-on fire breather as a busker? I've never seen a fire breather as a busker. I think they're not allowed in America.

I think you need to have... Let me look this up. Can I be a flame fire breather as a busker? It does seem like difficult to control. It's hard to have in a public space. This happened outside of a taco restaurant called El Inferno.

Does that actually help? I think that actually helps. It sounds like they were like, this is going to be the funniest idea ever. Can I be a fire breather? But the fire breather was the only one who went to the hospital. What? Because he got his ass kicked. The mariachi members were fine, but even though they were burnt. Oh, same here. Oh, yeah, you could do fire breathing. You can? You just have to have a permit. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, wow. That's cool.

I've ever done it. Firebreath? I've put fire in my mouth. I think I tried once and I lit my hand on fire, if I remember correctly. Yep, that's why you don't do it. Yeah. That's a good lesson to learn early. But that's the only thing. It was just a turf war? Yeah, it was just a turf war over a busking area. God, that's sad, dude. I mean, people got to come together. Because they could have been playing the mariachi while he fire breathed. Yeah, but how do you split up the money later? You give him his little slot. Well, he doesn't want one-fourth.

That's the thing. If there's three mariachis in him, I say they split it evenly. Can I say? He gets 50%. They get 50%. I'm kind of surprised that he did as well against three mariachis. A lot of those guys are hardcore. Well, they still kicked the shit out of him. Yeah. And he had to go to the hospital. But he did set them on fire. Yes.

They're not going to fight him again, that's for sure. No, no, no, no. We've all learned a lesson. And by the way, he probably should get the El Inferno territory. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He won. He should change his name to El Inferno. Oh, then he can talk about this forever. He could literally be like, this is what I do. Yeah. Bring me to places you don't want people to be. And I will get rid of them. Oh, yeah. That's very, very funny. Here's them tuning them up. Yeah, they got them good.

Yeah, it really is bad. You got to be careful. Man, everyone's just, that guy's just watching. No one's stopping it. All right, there are some people who step in towards the end. Kind of, yeah, but, you know, he just lit them on fire. Like, you know, that's got to be worth something as far as fights go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to let him get a couple in if he lit them on fire. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he lit them on fire. So yeah, he did that. That's a great video. I can't wait to see that again. I don't always like seeing people get on set on fire, but when they live, it's fun. Yeah, yeah. No, exactly. If we didn't live, I probably would have only talked about it and not made you watch it. Yeah, but that's cool. Thanks, Eddie. No problem. Really good story.

And here's another story that's actually pretty short. It's once in a lifetime, man finds heavy, mysterious object in North Carolina mountains. That's funny because Ed was here the whole time. No. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. You honestly look great. I'm fat. I'm the one who's projecting. I'm doing it to you. I gain weight. And I'm saying things about your body and it's me saying it. You can borrow my t-shirts again. That's insulting.

That's insulting. So in a surprising turn of events, a North Carolina man has found himself at the center of a local mystery after discovering an unusual object that some people believe may have originated from outer space. I don't think there's any way it came from outer space. No, absolutely not. But it is mysterious. It's definitely mysterious. Yes, because according to Clowns,

He said that now Justin Clounce, that's the man who found it, right? And I'm just shocked as to what it was. He says, in each once in a lifetime, you know, you don't happen every day, which I don't really know what that means. Yeah. So him and his co-workers stumbled upon the object along a remote trail in Canton.

The object was covered in burnt carbon fire and heavy-duty metal plates held together by thick bolts. The only way to describe it is that it looks like a prop. It looks like something's from the outside of a set, or it looks like something that would go on the chariot of something. It's got, like, soot on it. It sort of looks like a bunch of bullshit was burnt on top of it, but it just looks like it's art-directed.

Yeah. It has giant lug nuts on it. It looks like a steampunk door to an evil train. Yeah, I don't think aliens have...

bolts. They don't. Actually, every single time you see a UFO, one of the main things they talk about is how they are seamless for the most part. So this is, so they just found this very heavy. It's got like a two to three inch piece of metal. It's this giant two to three inch piece of steel. It's several hundred pounds. This guy, Clance, he said, no, we don't know what it is. We just know it's not from up there. They

The object was so large, they had to pull it out with his truck. Oh, no, with his lawnmower. Yeah, with his lawnmower. Yeah, they pulled it out with his riding mower.

And so he said, you wouldn't even believe there's one million chance I'd even find it. All right, because it landed near the trail, and if it hadn't, I wouldn't have seen it. But it didn't land there because none of the trees were fucked up, and there was no burn marks or anything. Yes, there were no signs of fire or damage. I looked up in the trees, according to Claus, and it just landed perfectly in the trail and threw an opening in the woods.

Yeah. It's just a big, heavy object. It's just a big, weird thing. A big, weird thing. Looks like someone was testing how to use these bolts through different materials. Did you ever see...

Back in the day where someone was doing the metal obelisks. There was an art project where people, things that looked like from 2001, they were hiding these obelisks and difficult to get to places and people were finding them on Google Maps and Google Earth and shit like that. I'm going to stop you real quick. What's an obelisk?

The Washington Monument is an obelisk. That's an obelisk. So it's like a pointy dick. These are the monoliths. I remember the monolith thing. These are the monoliths. I think that's the difference. An obelisk has a top. Maybe I'm incorrect. I don't fucking care. I don't care about shapes.

And so this thing was a, this, I feel like this heavy object, if this was revealed, this, these monoliths as an art project and a bunch of guys said they'd been doing this for a long time. And it's just funny that people have caught up to it now. And so I feel like this is, someone's going to come out in the next two days and say what this is. You think so? Yeah. I think that this is going to be, I think there's going to have an unfortunately, extremely prosaic answer to what this is. Why would it be all the way out in the middle of the woods? Yeah.

Because people fuck around everywhere. It's on a trail. It seems like it was just trash. It was just on a trail. Yeah. So, I don't know. I don't know. Well, I'm glad they got rid of it so nobody trips. It's big. Also, like, what are we going to do now? Look at it now. Who's looking at it now? I don't fucking care about this. Yeah, we don't. It's fine. You don't have to. You don't have to. This is not...

Essentially, the word is this is not interesting. But at the same time, it is in many ways for this. It's amazing what news finds you. Yes. Because it's like some dude found a piece of metal in the woods in North Carolina. And now it made it to this show. Yes. Yep. Oh, yes. Yeah, I'm done. Any mail we want to get to? Yeah, let's look at some mail.

All right. So we got a lot of feedback on the meat, on the meat. Yeah. So we had a bunch of things. Obviously last week I was having fun with it and I said, throw meat everywhere. And it's apparently it is, it is litter. Food waste is litter.

I used to work for my state's DNR, Department of Natural Resources, the nature cops. I was told by one of the leading officers that even throwing out an apple core from your car while driving down the highway is not allowed. The plant material may not be native to the landscape, and basically throwing any material, even plant, animal byproduct, is a fine offense. So apple cores are litter? Is that what we're trying to say? That's what they're saying. Anything that is not...

Totally not foreign to the environment. All right. So how about this? How about an orange peel in an orange grove? Is that litter? Buddy, we're heading in. What about an apple core and an apple orchard? I have no fucking idea, buddy. I have no idea. All right. And that's what I'm going to do from now on. I'm bringing little baggies with me. Yeah. I'm tying them in my belt. I'm going to be covered in trash. Well, now you're wasting plastic. I don't fuck the plastic. All right. It's too late. It's one or the other.

I'll hold on to the apple cores with my two hands. I'll walk back and forth. I'll wait till, can we dump them in the ocean? Apple cores? Yeah, absolutely. Definitely not. Now everyone's saying no. Absolutely toss apple core in the ocean. Fuck this.

I don't want to talk about this anymore. You get up a handful of apple cores and you start throwing them at deer. I'm already mad. Now, here is literally probably the best explanation we received. Now, we did get, people said straight up that the HVAC theory does hold weight. Yeah, of course. They're saying that HVAC company might have done something like this with some giant walk-in fridge that failed, right? Yeah. They dumped it out somewhere in the middle of nowhere. But this, I think, is actually very interesting.

I was listening to this week's episode about the piles of meat left on the side of the road. I wish this wasn't my area of expertise, but here we go. My dad's entire livelihood has always been based on collecting and distributing stolen meats off the back of trucks.

From hearing this story, it seems like a deal went bad. The police were on to those operating this quote-unquote business. Whenever meat is stolen from the back of trucks, the first job is always to remove all packaging, making it impossible to identify where it came from. From there, it can be repackaged or sold, however, to whoever the fuck buys stolen meats.

So I'm guessing someone had a large amount of stolen meat and needed to get rid of it quickly, and that's why he was dumped. Something similar actually happened to my dad a couple of years ago. I didn't return home from work one day to find him at my house with dozens of frozen hams outside of their packaging. He wanted to use my dogs as a disposal method. Safe to say, I said no. Ha! Ha! Ha!

So don't worry, dads can be pieces of shit. Those poor dogs. They didn't get the ham. I still want to hear now. Now I am so hard for a proper meat heist movie. We got to do it. It hasn't happened. The idea of a meat heist is such a fun idea. This whole thing, obviously, there's mafia and people getting hurt or whatever. You definitely need an HVAC guy. Very much so. Need an HVAC guy. Truck guy. Yeah. And then the guy who's got the meat. Mm-hmm.

Instead of Ocean's Eleven, it could be Obese Eleven. We're working on the title. We'll get to it. Let me do this one last story. All right. It's a poltergeist.

When I was eight years old, I experienced a poltergeist. I remember it vividly. My family just moved into a rented house in Bigfoot, Texas. Oh, that's cool. Anywho, my mom left me at home one day for the first time ever. Bear with me as I explain how the scenario came to be. My two siblings had been sick the Friday before, and my mom gave me the option to stay home with them, but I attested. I was in the production Cats, and I simply could not miss my chance to crawl across the stage silently.

The attestant for rabies? I didn't have any lines, but that's neither here nor there. Monday rolled around and my siblings felt better, but my mom gave me the option to stay home with her while the other two went to school because she had caught whatever us germ pods were passing around. Of course, I opted to stay home. The only caveat was that my mom needed to drive my brother and sister 30 minutes and back to drop them off at school in Lytle, Texas. Being my first time staying home alone, she looked at me dead in the eyes and said I was not allowed to go outside for any reason. I had to stay inside the house all day.

Or else. I agreed. As soon as my mom left, I plopped onto the couch and turned on Jerry Springer, as any eight-year-old kid would. Yes, absolutely. Of course, I remember this. Now, for context, to my left was the front door, straight ahead my brother's room, and to the right was the remainder of the house. Kitchen, parents' room, bathroom, and my room that I shared with my sister.

Now, it's important to know two things before I explain what happened next. First, my three-year-old brother had a noisemaker in his room. The sounds ranged from a creepy heartbeat for newborns to ocean rain. Second, my mom had two tacky plastic pigs that stood right outside the front door. One would oink if the light switched on or off. I can still see its red eyes. The other was motion-censored, oinking if anyone walked in front of it. Moving on.

The speed and veracity of the incident still puzzles me. I know the order of things, but it all happened so quickly. It almost felt simultaneous. First, the TV flipped off.

Next, both pigs started oinking. Then my brother's noisemaker turned on and started switching slowly from sound to sound. Heartbeat, ocean rain, boom. I finally jolted up from the couch and ran out the front door when I heard an extremely loud sound coming from the direction of my room. The best way I can describe it is that it sounded like a hairdryer turning on directly in your ear. Unexpectedly, I knew it was coming from my room, but the noise totally encompassed me and I blacked out.

The next thing I remember, I was huddled outside by the coals of a bonfire we had the night before. I saw my mom's Suburban pull up quickly and her hopping out visibly angry and concerned. I remember her asking why I was outside. I remember her demanding an answer, but I don't remember responding. I shared what happened to me with my mom years later. She still insists that she would have never left me alone, and that's where the conversation always ends.

And it's how moms do it Oh yeah they lie about what they did to you Always I would never do that I've been talking about it for weeks of therapy mom Well god bless What a day Bigfoot Texas by the way is a very small place Very small Says they had about 450 people there And it's barely a place Hey you know Good for them It's a cool name Alright guys what an incredible day Wow

Live every day knowing that the truth is out there. Here. Right? Out here. It's out here. Yeah. It's out here. It's the West Coast. Unfortunately. So you're just going to have to laugh knowing that at least you don't have to deal with some of the difficult people I had to deal with this weekend. But if you spent some time around them, you'd learn to love them because they keep their hearts on their sleeve.

And yeah, maybe sometimes they might go completely, totally, utterly insane. But they're entertaining for a couple months before they do something really fucked up. Isn't that nice? That is a nice little way to wrap up this. Your little thoughts with Henry like Springer at the end. Really works out. So go to patreon.com slash last podcast on the left to see us talk. Hear us talk. To help us. Go to TikTok at LP on the left. Help the China.

They love us on there. And go to lastpodcastandleft.com to buy concert tickets for us. We are going to go. We have already. Side stories are selling. You better get it. If you want to come to these side story shows, we only got two this year. Yes. They're selling hot. So far.

Yeah, so far I would love to do more. Right now we probably booked more. September 13th? But not in the cities that we've already booked them. So we're going to be out. We're so fucking excited. Honestly, some of the work that we've just done, that we just put together a cool new panel that I think is going to be another good traveling stage show. I'm just having more fun on stage than ever with you, Eddie. It's just so fun to do. Dude, it's been a blast. Last week was hilarious. So fun. Come see the show. Come check us out.

September 13th, Chicago Park West, the day before our sold out show in Chicago for last podcast and a left. So you missed that one, but you can still catch side stories on the day before and the 13th of Chicago. And on December 6th, we'll be in Philadelphia at the theater of the living arts. That's the day before the, our show in Brooklyn at King's theater. Can't wait. It's going to be amazing. The Philly show is like close to being sold out. Yes. The Chicago one's got a little more seats left. Yeah. But come, come check it out. It's going to get there. Yeah. Yeah. We can't wait.

And come see us in Iceland if you're listening to us in Iceland. Yeah, dude, please come out to the Reykjavik show. We have no idea what's happening with that. I think it's going to be, I'm so excited for that. I can't wait. I've never been to Reykjavik. I can't wait to go. Yeah. And Marcus is like the William Randolph Hearst of Reykjavik. Which I'm very, very excited for. Careful with that volcano, everybody. Yeah, please be careful with the volcano. If you could stop that up, that'd be great. Yeah. All right. Hail Satan. I hail anybody. You got to. That's your freedom.

Yeah, I guess. That's your freedom. That's what boys died overseas. Hail Prince King. No, he's an asshole. I like him. We just all want... We just get it.

You know what I mean? I get it. You're the Niemeyer guy. I'm just saying I get it. I like a slingshot guy. You're giving me shit. You're like a guy who built an entire killdozer. That's who you root for. I like the willpower. My guy is like ball bearings that he shoots off once a fucking month. But he came closer to killing people than Marv Niemeyer did. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. No, he didn't.

Did he drive into City Hall? Hey, listen. With a bunch of kids in there? No, I mean, they should have been in there. Was he shooting a gun at gas? He was shooting a gun at the gas station. But again, it shows the bullets bounce off all the gas meters.

That's the power of American manufacturing. Alright, because that shows it's hard to blow up a bunch of gas tankers. Isn't that nice? Yeah. Well, how about the fire breather? Yeah, hail the fire breather. No! He can name three guys. Well, they kicked his ass! How about the, you know, we didn't cover, but we'll just do it right now? The dog who accidentally ate the meth that was running around like a crazy person, but then he was fine. That's a dog you can like. Fucking hail that dog. Yep. Until it starts smoking its own teeth. And we're all fucked.

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