Ed O'Neill
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

All right, so Ed O'Neill, this was the first interview we did for this show and one of my all-time favorite episodes because of Ed and his charm and everything else. And David, before we get into that, didn't you have a technical issue? Oh, I had a microphone. It wasn't a microphone problem. It was a problem with me because it was our first one and it was, I mean, this one is our first one. So it's been, you know, the problem is it fell between my seats and

And I just found it the other day. The recording device? Yeah. We were supposed to click record and it fell between the seats. And so your sound is just going over the computer. So it's a little distant, but well heard, right? No, I found this whole episode in between my seats. So I said, oh, we should air this. We never aired this, Dana. And I said, and so we, no, we have it. And Ed was, by the way, Ed, we both know him pretty well.

Super cool guy. Was our first one, so it was experimental, but he jumped right in, said, of course I want to do this. And we talked a little about SNL, but we mostly talked about how interesting his life is. I became fascinated by, because I kind of had a sense he's an East Coast tough character, and he almost played professional football, and he was almost a made man in a way. He's like a gangster, yeah. His forearms are Popeye forearms.

And there's a certain kind of power to him. He just doesn't need show business, but he's had married with children. He's had modern family. He's had this huge career, but he's so eccentric and he is an extremely, uh,

intense brazilian jiu-jitsu yeah he's like an mma guy yeah and i called him after the podcast and we talked for an hour about the technique of that of getting someone on their feet and laying your body oh just just you know like a street fight he he'll take you in a second it just shows you just never know he's he's built like a truck he's like a joe rogan he's tough like you don't want to get in a fight with him no no no you would regulate on the set remember we talked about that

Which one? If somebody gets out of hand. Yeah, he's the go-to guy. It's unreal. And somebody needs to be slapped around. But he has no ego about it. And he doesn't – he's not like a normal show business person. It's like it's something he does. He's great at it.

And he said he just lives one day at a time. I said, when you're getting famous and he talks all about that. So- Oh, he did Married with Children too. Yeah, yeah. And he's so funny in that. So it was a really interesting interview. I would not click off right now if I were you. No, click on. I would stay tuned. Hey, that's what we do, fly on the wall, click on. Yeah, they're already on, but-

But just keep it on. Yeah. And he's going to reveal some stuff that you've not seen or heard in other podcasts or interviews. So enjoy Ed O'Neill. By the way, first of all, I want to hear Ed's story of when he met Lorne before the show alone. That never happens. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, the traditional thing, right? The dinner at that Italian restaurant in the theater district. Or so. Yeah, or so. But that's usually padded with

cast like Tuesday night when we're writing and supposed to be writing. No, this was like this was like Wednesday or Thursday. And he wanted to have, you know, take me to dinner and, you know, bring your wife along hungry. So we went downstairs and, you know, it was the three of us and it was great, you know, good food.

But we didn't have anything to talk about. I mean, he didn't want to do anything. He didn't want to get near married with children. You know, that was like, forget that. So he was trying to figure out what to do with me, which was basically, you know, nothing. I mean, it was like, well, I said, just throw me in skits with some of the people, you know, just throw me in. And that's what he did. And that's that's what happened. But it was very I mean, usually I can think of something to talk about.

But I had a difficult time with Lauren. Well, that also is tough. I would go, I would be assigned because I was sort of like the class clown. Everyone hated writing on Tuesday. And that was usually the dinner that I would do. And then Marcy would come around and go, Lauren, once you go to dinner and I meet with my legal pad, huh? And it would take you out of writing because it's right in the heart of the eight to 10, right? And then he wants you, he wants Dana, he wants Mike Meyer. You know, you just go around and pick and choose.

And then they would say no, because they could. And I'd have to say yes, because I was newer. Yeah, that was a very interesting experience. I can't say I liked it. It was... I can't say I liked it. I didn't like it. No, I didn't like it because, first of all, I didn't like cue cards. And I didn't like...

uh the whole process of the first show and then they you know you you get together with you guys and you you know trying to get their bit in and you hate to tell them what you know well which one do you like you like uh david's better than dana's or you know yeah and you don't

What? Luckily, they do that behind closed doors. They take the host just for the people at home. By the way, I wasn't on when Ed was there, I don't think. I think Dana was. I was. You did Wayne's World with us. That's right. That's right. Yeah, I did. And that wasn't so bad. And that crushed. And then I did a thing with...

The girls, you know, I forget which ones. The Sweeney sisters? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Really? Jan Hooks, Nora Jones. Jan Hooks. I actually thought they were funny. Very funny. Sweeney sisters is funny. I like that one. Yeah. And then I did something with, oh, I can't remember them all. I mean, it was, Lovitz was around. Well, that was Lovitz's last season. Did you do a penis sketch or no? Is that a rumor? No, no. We did a thing on the tyrant that was in...

What country? You know, oh, God. Yeah. So it was Noriega. Was I the church lady in that? And no, it wasn't Noriega. It was. Oh, no, it wasn't Noriega. But but Lovitz played the dictator, right? No, no, no. The dictator was dead in a coffin and we were standing. Oh, OK. And I'm getting warmer. Everybody was pretending they were upset, you know, with this murderous, you know, fucking guy. It was actually kind of funny. I mean, it really it was.

But I just didn't, I just felt like an eight ball, you know, like, why am I here? You know? And I think I was just there because Mark said, put him on the show. Yeah. You're famous. That's your fault. He talked like that when he was 28, put him on this show. Mark. He's a good guy. Mark. Well,

One of the reasons, and a philosophical, quasi-serious thing, is that I don't know if SNL was unintentionally sometimes a live reality show, because you're taking Wayne Gretzky and saying, hey, do 10 live comedy sketches, hockey man, with cue cards and no rehearsal. The one that, because I hosted it after being a cast member, and it was awful. You're just in so many things. You're pulled so many ways, and it's just a blurr.

but so you could feel better at, I've been in the slats during the commercial break and seeing Michael Jordan, the Michael Jordan kind of like, uh, okay, what are we going to do here? You know, I said, just look at the car. Christopher walk and ignored the protocol. So when he was first hosting, uh,

He just, I'm in, I'm the church. So I'm looking at him. He never looked at me. He just looked straight at the card and never moved his head and read it directly off the cards. And it was perfect. You know, he was on the week after me. He came in. Remember we tell you tell that story. I was, I wasn't there, but you know, when he, when, uh, uh, Lauren asked him what, you know, if he had anything he thought was funny. The thing about the bears bears are funny. Likewise, bear suits.

Bears are funny and bears as well. And if you break it down, it's brilliant. His brain went a bear. He's funny. Circus bear. Oh, yeah. But a guy in a bear suit is funny as well. But I remember when he came in, he goes, saw it, O'Neal. Never look at the cops. Just look at them the whole time. Never move your head. Well, he had that brilliant, brilliant bit about Mr. Mr. Belvedere, whatever that was, that guy. All right. Walking around. Was that the continental? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Continental. I thought that was great point of view. Yeah. Yeah. But Chris is just Chris's. He's he's he's great. He's out there. I did a movie with them years ago. I did Dogs of War with Tom Berenger and Chris Walken. And I was one of the mercenaries, you know, and it was fun. It was fun. Listen, he's sweet. He's just so different. Chris, I love the guy. Do you have time for a quick story? And I'll tell you when you're done with your story.

Yes. I had a thing with Chris. I was on my way to play handball at the West Side Y, West 63rd, and it was like a Monday. All right. So 11 a.m., he's coming down the street with that hair and the coat and the big strides. And I had just read a review. He had been doing Hamlet.

at Stratford and he got pretty good reviews. I mean, the play itself, they said, you know, it's not great, but he may have a Hamlet in him. So I, you know, and I had done Dogs of War with him. So we stopped each other and he said, you know, we're dark today. I'm going to go get a drink. You know, why don't you join me? I said, it's 11 a.m. I have a handball game. Well, all right. I said, I just read the reviews pretty well. He said, you know, when you do Shakespeare, you

You got to do that thing, you know, that thing for them. You know, the critical faculty, they like to hear that thing. I said, oh, yeah, yeah, right. What's he talking about? What thing? What thing? He said, yeah, but I refuse. I refuse. I won't give it to them. Fuck them in their asses. And do I not look Danish? I said, you do look Danish. There you are. There you are. Fuck them. And away he went. And away he went.

He was just a free spirit all the way around. I loved him. And Joe Pesci was the same kind of interesting character off screen. Because I remember him telling this long story. He goes, you know, you got to know when do you want to fight? You know, when are you going to fight? It's just a non sequitur. I say a shigabole across the nose.

You know, I knew Joe from that West 63rd Street Y, you know. So he was a tough guy. Well, he was, and he was 5'2", you know. It wasn't a difficult step to play New York gangsters. No. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do playing a tough New York gangster. Look at me. No, I always said that about those guys. I said, thank God they weren't born in Cleveland or, you know. I mean, none of them would have worked, you know, but because it was New York, you know, they're doing the New York thing.

Yeah, I did it with Pesci and we did a movie together. And then he either I was with him or he did this on his own or this is a total lie. But he was he was sitting and he was telling me what he doesn't like because he goes, I don't like autographs. I like all that shit. And I go, yeah. And then he goes, this guy last night at dinner goes, hey, Joe Pesci at the other table, which we all get. Hey, man. You know, and then he goes, hey, come here.

to the table, come here. And he goes, what the fuck did you say to me? The guy who was coming in goes, come here? Fuck you and fuck your mom. Fuck you. You want to be a man? You walk over to my table and ask if you're allowed to talk to me. I was like, and now I do that. That's where I picked it up. What am I, like a clown? Exactly. It was like that. Exactly. Am I a fucking, how am I funny? How am I fucking funny? Oh, that was great. That was great. That was great. Yeah, he, he, uh,

He used to work in this restaurant. I think it was in Queens. It was an Italian joint. And that's where Scorsese had seen him in or De Niro or both of them had seen him in this thing called a death collector with Joe Cortese. Remember Joe Cortese? It was like a B movie, but they liked Joe in it. And they were thinking of him for death.

The brother of Eugene Bull. So they called him and it was a busy night. He was a maitre d' or something out there. He was a wise guy joint. Go figure. And he said, who is it? It's Bobby De Niro. Yeah, tell Bobby, go fuck himself in his ass. And then he kept working. Everything's in the ass. Yeah, he called him back. I'm...

I remember being at the Columbus Cafe with Lovitz and we were just fresh off the boat in New York City. And we're there with all these Goomba guys, right? Paulie Herman, all those guys. Yeah, and his friends. And Lovitz says to one big guy, he goes, what do you do for a living? And the guy goes, what do you want to know for? What do you want to know why I fucking don't follow you? John's like, sorry, I didn't know. Oh, man. I was in, there was this Irish bar restaurant

Jimmy Neary's on the east side, like around 59th or 57th. I forget. But I used to go in there sometimes. And it was, you know, a lot of these detectives, retired detectives hung out there, mostly Irish. And I was because I was doing Big Apple for David Milch. And I was partnered with this young actor. So we're in there with a bunch of guys. And this one cop was driving us around. He was a retired detective.

And he says, you know, we're just talking. He says, you see that guy at the bar over there? He's a driver. I said, Jimmy Coonan, the guy that was, you know, he ran the Westies. Yeah, well, he's doing life, you know, but this guy was his driver, this prick. I don't like him. They used to go down to this. And anyway, the guy's at the bar smoking. He just got out. And I look around and my partner, this young actor, is over there because he also liked to write. He's chatting this guy up, you know, at the bar.

And I thought, oh, that could be a big mistake, you know, so I kind of went over and the guy knew me because, you know, I was there. I used to live in that area, you know, a Hell's Kitchen that was called Clinton at the time. He says, hey, hi, Ed, how are you? I didn't know him. I said, good. What's up? I said, Mike, you know, our food's coming.

Apparently he had asked the guy, you know, listen, I heard you drove for Jimmy Coonan and, you know, I'd like to maybe write something because you could help me out. We'll write a thing. It'll be great. And the guy smoking a cigarette, you know, he's just looking at him. He says, you know, that was a long time ago.

A lot of people don't need to know about this, you know. You certainly don't need to know about it. Jesus. Terrifying. Hey, O'Neill, go back. Nice to see you. Tell that fucking donkey you're with that I fucking hate him. It was the cop, you know, that said, pointed him out. I mean, they all know each other. You know, it's just like a little, it's a neighborhood. Terrifying, though.

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I just was so curious about, you know, you being a trying out for the Pittsburgh Steelers and you being a black belt in jiu-jitsu. So like they could all sit on boxes or whatever, wear puffy jackets, but you would be the guy who could actually from that neighborhood take care of you. I'm just saying, right? The truth of my life has been that

You know, when I came from Youngstown, which was a steel mill town, and I grew up with wise guys, you know, their fathers, my friends were their fathers. And, you know, there's a lot of stories there. They wanted me to get in at one point. Not that I could never be made, you know, because I was hired. But they wanted me to hang out. And, you know, after I got cut by the Steelers, they wanted me to, you know,

strong arm a few guys. I always said no because I said, I can't go to jail. I can't go to jail. But I knew all these guys. I grew up with that. At your peak physicality, like with Steelers, I mean, how much did you weigh? You were like 6'2". Yeah, I was like 6'2", maybe 225. Yeah, so with big forearms. He was the early Joe Rogan.

Now, pop by four arms. I mean, you know, it's what I did. You know, it's what you did if you grew up there and you had any kind of physicality.

I read about Pittsburgh Steelers on your Wikipedia, but I didn't really believe it because it's also on my Wikipedia. But it said you're from Youngstown, Ohio. And I go, is this just a sexy rumor? Because my parents went to Denison. Is that really a school? Are they making this up? No, it's a school, but it's not in Youngstown. It's up near Akron, I think. Okay, yeah. My mom's in Cincy. It's somewhere around there, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. She said she went to school. I don't totally believe her. And then my dad said he went to the same one. And that story didn't really check out because it was the same school. And I thought he was just piggybacking on her story. So if there is a Denison, then that's good because now there is a Denison. And it was a nice little private school, I think. OK, good. That's good. So, yeah, I went I went to OU for a while. I went to Ohio U and I I sort of flunked out of there. And then I got back to Youngstown State. Not a genius. Yeah.

Not a genius. So, Ed, I mean, I don't think there's anybody who has more of a regular guy persona than you. Like, there's no pretense. Like, literally nothing. I mean, you know, 40 years of television. I mean, just like, you could be just anybody. It's really... No star quality. None. I still want to go back to this idea that you wouldn't suffer fools. You're so nice, but...

This East Coast physicality you have, were you ever on a set where you thought, I'm going to set this guy down, I'm going to choke him out, or I'm not going to take this shit? I mean, I think you're the kind of guy who's incredibly nice until he's not nice. That's right. And you don't want to ever meet that other guy. I mean, I've said that a few times because I've said, look, guys, everyone thinks I'm such a nice guy.

I'm not. I mean, I have been very violent in my life. I mean, I never pulled a gun and shot or knifed a guy, but I was I was always, you know, I didn't run away from those troubling things when you're young. Like I do. I run away from everything. Like most people should, David, you know. Yeah. I mean, I'm honestly lucky that I'm, you know, didn't have a lot more trouble than I did.

I'm what's known on the streets as a colossal pussy. You fought with your wit. I fought with money. I made friends with the guy named Steve Lee in fifth grade, the big kid. He was my enforcer. You know, I had my game. Yeah, I was kind of that guy for a lot of years. I would have been your best friend. Yeah, a lot of my friends, yeah, they needed a little help every now and then, and I was always happy to do it because I always disliked bullies.

I had a thing about bullies and I had a little routine I used to do in bars like, you know, if somebody I mean, I'm making this up, but someone comes up and says, hey, you got a cigarette, give me a cigarette, you know, not nice. And you got it right there, you know, on the bar. And I'd say, how many do you want? I mean, a couple of them. I said, OK, OK.

here you go you got a match yeah can i apply it for you yeah and i just feel like like i'd act like i was afraid of them and i just draw them in you know draw them in give them more room you know give them more space to feel like they're their tough guy routine and i'm just waiting to drop the hammer on them you know i would just get an angle i'd move over get a little angle

you know, we're sitting on bar stools. So you get a little angle. Love it. And then you might say, how's that cigarette? Is it good? And then I point it and boom. Oh, Jesus. I just wanted to do it. I love the side of you. I just wanted to do it. But, but Ed, let me ask you a question. And I put David in here too. We're kind of scrappy. We have a lot of anger. Like we both had a really weird childhood. Well,

And I'm Irish. And I do think that the Irish brain, I don't know, you know, the gangs of New York, the Irish gangs were suicidal. If someone pushes like, do you want to fucking die right now? You know what it is? You know what it is? What is that border thing? You know, where we come from, the DNA, the Scotland, Ireland, they're living up in the, you know, they don't plant. It was all limestone. So they had sheep. Yeah.

You can steal sheep. You know, you can't steal apples too well. Yeah. So they were always that. That's all those guys that went down into the Ozarks. You know, those feuds, you know, the McCoys and they were all from there. And they murdered you not for any kind of like you robbed me. You insulted me. Now I'm going to kill you.

No, I'm going to kill you, man. You insulted me. I have relatives in Ireland right now and they talking to them growing up. My wife's nephew, boy, he's just fighting every day. Yeah. Yeah. Dublin. Yeah. Street poor. I mean, that was part of the reason I finally left. I mean, no, I wanted it's a whole long, crazy story how I started doing acting. But

I needed to get out of Youngstown because, you know, I realized I'm going to die here. You know, I may die violently here or I'm just going to die on the vine, you know, in a bar drunk someplace. And right. So I realized I had to get the fuck out of there because it was a, you

You know, at the time, I didn't really realize how dangerous a place it was. It was a very dangerous place. I've been there. It's terrifying. You're like, I got to get out of here to a different bleak town. Blue collar tough. And no matter where you go nearby, it's the same thing. You know, Steubenville, Akron, Canton, Massillon. It's all the same thing. You got to get way the hell out of there. I'm there and I hear a lot of, hey, sissy boy. I'm like, me? Yeah.

But I was there to do a gig. I played a casino there. And, you know, Ed, this might be a little heavy, but when I played Youngstown, it sounds sort of elitist, but when you do a casino gig in some of these towns, I didn't really notice it, but...

Sometimes talents aren't doing well and there was a lot of boarding up and then you get to this beautiful casino and all you think in your head is this is where all the money's going. Like everyone gets a check and they go to the casino and it's just like, fuck, I'm part of the problem. I'm playing the casino. I don't know where I'm going. I'm in Youngstown. I go, oh, my parents are from here. Allegedly.

And then I go and I go, oh, my God, I'm part of the problem. Here I am. And they're like all gambling. And there's a lot of little scooters. And I go, these poor towns, there's a million of them like that. Oh, there's so many of them. And, you know, they're all trying to get lucky because really. Yeah. I mean, David, I don't know. I've often told people I said they say, oh, well, you know, you got you got out and you were you're so successful now. And.

And I said, I'm so lucky. I mean, I don't know what my odds would have been. I didn't even get to New York till I was 31. You know, when I was cut by the Steelers, my father said, you're going to try what now? Get in the middle. What the fuck's wrong with you? Concussion protocol. Yeah, I took a few hits. My dad was a real tough guy. You know, my dad was a really physical, nice guy, by the way. But again, that triggered Dana's same thing.

I had the same thing. I had five kids, three older brothers pounding me all day long. My dad would, if he thought you did something wrong, he had to go get his belt. Then he would snap it. Humiliating. And you had to grab your ankles. And their siblings would gather around and say, how many? And then as he started to beat you, he would scream at you. Oh, Jesus Christ. So it made me...

It made me tough. What I'm interested in right now is, did your father live to see your incredible success? Yeah. And if so, how did your relationship change with him? And when you got all that, I mean, what was that like with your dad? Well, he retired and he moved down to North Carolina on the Outer Banks where my mother and father divorced, had a sister who was schizophrenic.

And there were five of us. Okay. So the youngest sister was schizophrenic. So my mother took her to North Carolina where my sister lived with her husband. I'm lost. And then my father retired and he wanted to move down there. He had a little house that he had, that we had to talk him into getting like a vacation home, a little small. And so anyway, my whole family ended up down there, you know, not me cause I was in New York, but then I had to sort of navigate, you know,

I heard you bought your mother a car. I'm driving a piece of shit. I'd have to buy him a car. I heard you bought her a house with a fucking swimming pool.

the fuck do I look like? You know, I said, dad, you're living with another woman. You're, you know, I mean, it was a, it was a mess, but that's, so he did not cozy up like my dad. Cause I was the one he really had it in for. Cause they wanted a girl. They got me and they named the girl's name. So, you know, so he,

He thought maybe I was a little, you know, whatever. I had an angelic, cherubic face. I was very boyish. But after I left and had success, it was like, oh, Dan, you and I were the same person. You're always, I always supported you. I gave you everything. Well, I was the oldest. I was the oldest of five. And my name is the same as my father's, you know, except our middle name is different. But

So I was sort of his favorite, you know, and again, I was I became that guy that he wanted me to be, which was a pretty tough guy, an athlete. And my second brother was like, well, he was my second brother's gay. So he went to the seminary to be a priest and four years and dropped out. That's all. And then I had another brother who was a good, great kid who's kind of tragic. He died young.

Then my youngest sister died. Then my father died. And my mother died. Then my father died. So it was kind of a, you know, crazy, crazy shit. But yeah. So my dad was a deadbeat dad kind of in a when when that's where all my anger comes out. I got in a fight in sixth grade with this guy, Oscar. And he I was I was at the Little League game just chatting up some gals. And he came behind me and rabbit punched me.

I was like, first of all, it's illegal, but I didn't say anything about that. But I turn around and then... Well, it's a sucker punch. Yeah, a sucker punch. And then surprisingly, Spade didn't go down on that. I was just like, huh? And then he goes, come on, man, let's go. And I'm like talking to this girl, I'm like, I'm with some ladies. But meanwhile...

It was you haven't changed. I was just talking and then I was but it was 10 percent white. And so everyone gathers on. I go and they're like, fight. I'm like, no, no, no. There's no fight here. You know, and then and then I go, nice to see everyone. I'm going to take off and I go, I got to get out of here. It hits me again on the way. And I go. So then I walk across.

the gravel to my friend's mom's car. I go, I feel like the manly move is to get in their car and lock the doors and hide until the game's over. And then maybe they'll all go away. And

And then I get to the door and it was like slow motion. It was locked. Oh, no. And it was an old Chevelle. And I go, motherfucker. And I turn around and I go, because he hit me three times at this point. And I was looking like a big fool. And I turn around and I go, and here comes my dad left me all my anger. I'm looking humiliated.

And then he tries to be cool and does a little rope-a-dope, like look around. He swings his hand up and then jabs me in the face. And that was it. And I laid a barrage on him and I backed him up and I kept hitting and he fell and I jumped on him and I started wailing on him. And then someone grabbed me and he stood up and goes, coach is coming. Coach wasn't coming. And he ran off and everyone said he won. I won. But I...

Still talk about this fight. It rarely comes up, maybe twice a week. But I tell everyone about it. I heard it this morning. Did you guys remember seeing that cartoon? When I was a kid, it was a Disney thing, I think. It was a short, but it was called Lambert the Friendly Lion.

Did you guys ever see that? And I'm 36. If you've never thought, I tell you this story because you guys should get it. You can Google it. Lambert the Lion. The Friendly Lion. And what happened was, long story short, in a sheep, it was a shepherd and sheep on a hillside. And one night the stork makes a mistake and drops the baby lion in amongst the sheep. And the mother, a mother who didn't have any children,

sheep, you know, takes the lion in. And so he's raised as a sheep. And again, he's like a sheep. He's afraid of the wolf. The wolf comes by. They're all terrified. The fucking lion is full grown. He's shaking, you know, this wolf.

But the kicker was that the wolf backs the mother out on a precipice where she can't go anywhere. And he's got the wolf's going to kill her. And all of a sudden you hear this fucking roar just behind the wolf. The wolf's hair goes up, you know, and he turns around. It's the salivating fucking killer male lion. You know, it's just great. It's just like that. That was me. That was you. You got pushed to where?

You know, you'd rather take a beating like my father used to tell me when I was a kid. Look, if you get pushed into it, never back down. It's better to take a beating because the beating will heal.

The back down thing will never go away. My dad told me there's some shit I won't eat. And he goes, believe me, Davey, I eat shit every day. I eat shit at work. I eat shit at home. Your mom gives me shit. But now and then he goes, I can't take it. And he goes, that's what happened to you. You couldn't take it. Your father was quite a character. Those stories on your dad. Yeah, they're so hilarious. And that's why that's one thing I go, thanks, dad. Meanwhile, you're probably the reason I got beat up and I'm a pussy. But thank you.

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And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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How long was it between you didn't marry with children? And then how long was it between that and modern family? Well, it was a 86 to 96 or an a half or what, something like that. And then, then there was that interim where I did like a drag net. I did drag net. I did a,

The tooth series with David Milch, you know, I did big Apple, the surf movie, the dysfunctional surf family down in San Diego. Do you think, I think he's got Bezos money now. I think it's more like you're going to open a rocket ship company because all that first pile of money and then another pile of money.

Well, I looked at it because I had to add it up. You had to add it up. Because I think it's a Guinness Book of World Records, probably. 459 episodes between Married with Children and Modern Family. And my question for Ed is when you dream...

Do you dream as Ed Bundy or you dream as Jay Pritchell? I don't dream as either one. But, you know, the funny thing is I remember when that happened and I got a phone call from one of the news agencies.

I didn't know about it. And they said, you just eclipsed Lucille Ball's record of shows. You know, how many of mugging she had done, whatever it was, I was like one above her. And I said, I said, OK, OK, so what do you think about that? I mean, isn't that amazing? And I said, well, it's probably should have been a crossword puzzle question. Yeah.

But you're not saying I was better than Lucille Ball, are you? No. You're saying I did one more show. At present date, I've done one more show. So, yeah. Did you? I mean, like, say you're first, the pilot or the first episode of Married with Children. Yeah. And this is your first big star of the show. Oh, yeah, yeah. First big star. I love that show. It's so loose and weird and you're all great. You know, how...

what was the guy walked off that show? I mean, how much did you change like as an actor or performer or you got wealthy, you got famous. I mean, that's such a tsunami in a, in a life, you know, and you're married and I mean, it's just, it's intense. I mean, were you nervous? It kind of like was a, it kind of happened in waves, you know, like,

The first three years, I think we were just trying to survive. We didn't, we couldn't believe we were going to be on another season. Yeah. And then they slowly started picking us up for like, you know, I don't know, five years, I think was the biggest pickup. And then I thought, well, you know, that's good. I mean, we don't win anything, but we're, we're running, you know, we're running and we're keeping Fox in the black, which was kind of good for them and us. And, uh,

I just thought of myself like, wow, this is really luck. You know, this is lucky. And I never thought much about it. Honestly, I wasn't... I always have this kind of like one track thing where it's like, what's this week? You know, what are we... Let me see the script. Okay. Right. What's next week? I didn't even... When I got that, I never...

I never thought about it much. I don't know why. It starts out very humbly, doesn't it? I mean, did you kind of break even your first year between housing costs? Well, what happened was I wasn't making it. I think I was making 12, I think I was making 12.5 an episode the first couple of years. And then I met with Bernie. I met with Bernie, right? Bernie Bernstein, the famous talent man. Yeah, it was Jim Wyatt because I was with ICM. Jim Wyatt arranged this thing.

And I said, you know, I don't want to be impertinent, but what do I need you guys for? You know, I've got I've got I've got to show this running. And then you leaned over and got an angle on Bernie. Why do I have to pay you now, too? I've already got the show. And Bernie, you know how Bernie was. You know, it's a good question. He says, you know what, though? What if I told you that the next door neighbor is making a lot more money than you are? Would that surprise you? I said, yeah, absolutely.

It would. Well, Bernie was pretty honest. He came out in the press and said, anybody who gives 20% of the salary away is out of their fucking mind. And Brad Gray had to meet with him and go, Bernie, we got to take it easy with this stuff. And Brad was in the room. And then I think the upshot was Bernie said, okay, this is the deal. You come with me. You're going to make a shitload of money.

You're going to have a good time and I'm going to teach you the business. And I said, you know, I was doubled up. I mean, there was my agent. Yeah. I said, well, here I am. I'm, you know, I'm given to him. So I said, sure. Fine.

He said you could make a shitload or just a load. Well, I never felt they knew what to do with me, ever. Every job I ever got with them, I basically got on my own. Because, you know, no, because what I mean is that they do creative management.

No, no. What I mean is it was like like you guys had had had shows that they created for you. Right. Kind of. Yeah. You know, ownership of Saturday Night Live. David, they create a show around you. They knew how to do that for certain people. They just didn't know. I don't believe they knew how to do it for me because they didn't really know what I was.

You know, I wasn't a stand-up comic. I never did stand-up. I wasn't even a comedic actor when I got married with children, although I had done comedy in the theater. But they didn't know that. And so they didn't know what to do with me. And I don't blame them, by the way. It's like, I'm like a difficult...

maybe a difficult sell, you know. Who would be the easiest sell of an actor, comedian, coming into an agent's manager office in the 80s? Would it have been like Kevin Costner or something? Or Harrison Ford in 1980? Eddie Murphy. Leading man. Well, Eddie Murphy for sure because he was sexy. Yeah. And he was funny. Brilliant. It's gotten me pretty far.

Chris Walken. Chris Walken's hilarious. But again, nobody's hard to. Yeah, he's hard. He's so peculiar. You know, when he did Deer Hunter, that wasn't funny. I think people discovered Chris was funny and decided he was funny. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was I was the same thing. I wasn't a leading man. I don't know how to act. I'm kind of funny. You know, where do you put me?

You know, I'm just glad I live long enough for this digital technology that this is my job. I mean, Sid Caesar would have had one of these. Oh, God. Sid Caesar was one of my favorites. Brilliant. Oh, yeah. Did you ever meet Sid Caesar? I never met him. I was in the room with him a couple times where he was –

But I didn't meet him. I wish I had. I can tell you, he was intimidating. He was at an airport. And he goes, oh, yeah, you're on that show. He goes, how many shows did you do a season? 20. Yeah, we did 55. You know, he's like... Yeah, that's how he was. You know, he was...

I don't think he was any day at the beach, you know, and he was a big, strong guy. I love that term. He was a big, strong guy too. When he was young. Yeah. He was a, he was a, he was a scary guy. And, uh, but my God, he was funny. Yeah. You know, I don't think anybody has ever done that. Uh,

that talk that, you know, what do they call it? You know, where he speaks in the language and it's not a language. Oh yeah, the fake. The fake. That's hard to do. Yeah, that's hard to do. He would do it. Oh, he's still going. I can do it, but he's the best.

He's the best. Like his samurai, you know, that Belushi stole from him. Really? His samurai was better than anything you've ever seen. Did you ever see him do the samurai? Oh, he was doing the whole, like Belushi did and all that. Wait, well, that's where Belushi got it from since he's. Oh, really? It was insane. And his Italian was the best I ever heard. His Italian was. Oh, yeah.

It was fantastic. You can actually Google Sid Caesar speaking four different languages at a Bob Hope. They're honoring Bob Hope and he gets out and starts in French and then German and then Italian and then he ends up with the Japanese. It's phenomenal.

Yeah. And he was the first to, I mean, right, right there with sketch. I read his book. You know, I don't know if you saw his book. It's OK. It's not great. But he talks about. Well, no, I mean, it's OK. Some of the stories were good. He was he was good with the accents. Maybe not. He was good with the adjectives. He was sober for a long time. And his wife said, you know, now that you're sober, we should travel. You know, you're retired.

And he said, well, where? I said, how about Australia? He said, yeah, I've always wanted to go there. And then he came to find out he had toured Australia, you know, one time. He was so fucked up. He just remembered he was there. I'm just interested in bitterness in our business, like how to avoid it. Because I work with Mickey Rooney. It was the most bitter human being I'd ever met. Oh, I worked with Mickey too. Yeah, so so bitter, right? Yeah.

What year did you work with him? I worked with him. He came up to me the last time I saw him. I was at Malibu. You know, what was that restaurant? Trattanoi. Yeah. Sitting outside with some friends. And he came over and he said, you know, I'm trying to I'm trying to get a fucking show off the ground with Debbie Reynolds. You know, she's got the hotel in Vegas done very well for herself.

I'd like to do Tugboat Annie with Debbie Reynolds. I can't get past these Jew producers. I don't know. Oh, he was like outraged. I said, Mickey, Mickey. He said, now, you know, these I know I'm only coming to you because I know, you know, television producers. And I said, yeah, but I said, I'll bring it up. I was thinking I was with Ron Leavitt, you know, Ron Leavitt, Michael Moy from.

married with children. So I said, well, I'll bring it up. He's 90 years old, practically. They're fucking with me. They're fucking with me. He said, Gene Kelly had just died. National treasure, Gene. I knew Gene very well. Judy Garland. Same thing. Look at who you're rolling with.

We know we learned a lot today. Judy Garland never owned a car. That's he you do non sequiturs because they pumped her so full of drugs and he would talk until he couldn't breathe. Yeah, he said he said that they call me. He said, Gene's a national treasure. That's what they're saying. And he was. And when I die.

They'll say the same thing about me. I'm a national treasure. They won't hire me for shit. And they don't treat him like a treasure. You can't get a job. You know, you couldn't get a job. Ed, did you? OK, sorry. Did you ever did you ever run into an old time movie star you would have been blown away with that said they were a fan of yours like Burt Lancaster? Yes. Not Burt Lancaster. Not Burt. OK, I'm just throwing it out. It was Ernest Borgnine.

Oh, yeah. And that was great. And then James Arness. James Arness. James Arness. But it came in directly. It came from his brother. You know, his brother who had Mission Impossible. What was his name? Did you know he had a brother that was...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Something Arness. The reason I thought about that is because I had a weird one recently with Gene Kelly, which blew my mind because Lovitz, we were playing Vegas and he went to some party and he met Gene Kelly's widow.

Yes. And as John says, and she said, make sure you tell Dana that Gene loved his Bush impression. He'd tell everyone to be quiet when Dana was on. So just the idea that Gene Kelly knew who I was, was saying my name out loud. Be quiet. Dana's on. Blew my mind. David? Well, yeah, I was at his house one night, Dana. I was invited in.

This woman that I knew was friends with his wife. I can't remember her first name, but she was quite a bit younger, as you know, right? Yeah. And they lived on Rodeo Drive on the flat. So I thought I want to meet, you know, I want to meet Gene Kelly. So I go and you know how it worked. They would have like once a week, she'd have dinners and invited various people to amuse Gene, you know, to like, you know, keep them active mentally. Yeah.

And then he'd be upstairs and they'd have the cocktail hour. And then he'd come down with a big, long dinner table. And so I was introduced to him along with, you know, 15 other people. And he had no clue who I was. But he said, O'Neill, Irish. I said, yeah. Where are you from? I said, Youngstown, Ohio. Youngstown, Ohio. Yeah. You know, I'm from Pittsburgh. I said, I know that, Mr. Kelly.

Yeah, well, I was from Pittsburgh. I used to play these gangster clubs in Sharon, PA. I said, oh, yeah, I had a girlfriend once that lived in Sharon, PA. I used to drive down there, you know, three or four times a week. Sharon, you drove to Sharon. The fuck are you telling me you drove to Sharon? Sharon's 150 fucking miles from Pittsburgh or from Youngstown. I said, no, no, no, it's just over the line.

It's like 10 miles. Jesus Christ, this fucking kid. He's from Ohio. He's telling me we're sharing Pennsylvania. He was mad. And I'm at the other end of the table. So, I mean, he's going over everybody else, you know, to tell me what a stupid asshole I was. So I finally said to him, well, maybe there's two Sharons, you know. There's not two Sharons.

God, he won't let you off the fucking hook. I'm going to make this short. He stopped. I love this. He talked about a lot of other things. You know, Fred Astaire, great stories, phenomenal stories. You know, the guy knew everybody, the Pope, you know, the whole thing. So at the end of the evening, he walked every, he was very gracious now, you know,

He walked everybody out to their cars, valets. And now it's my turn with my friend. And he says he was calling me Irish now. You know, hey, Irish, you got off on the wrong foot. But, you know, I like it. I like I like something about you. You know, you're all right. Youngstown, Irish. Come back anytime. Anytime you tell so-and-so, OK, I go home.

And I had an assistant and I said, get a fucking map, a scale map. Youngstown to Sharon, PA. And make it very clear and mail it to this or hand deliver to this address. So he did. Two weeks go by. I thought this was a bad move, you know.

And then I get a hand-delivered note. I've got it right here. It actually showed, well, I could show it to you. Oh, we just read it, I guess. Gene Kelly station. It's Gene Kelly. Stationary. Gene Kelly. Dear Ed, they must have moved Sharon today. And, you know, I got it. I love it. He said, listen, uh,

The rolling rock, which is a beer in Pittsburgh, the rolling rock and the humble pie are on me. Your friend, Gene Kelly. Yeah, great. So I've got that. I've said, of course, I framed it now. Nice. I called his wife. You know, I pushed it. You know, I called his wife and I said, boy, that was, you know, I told her such a great, so gracious. You know, she said, hey, that did not come easy.

He was up there pouring over his maps, motherfucking and cursing and everything. And finally, he had, you know, he finally he realized that, you know, he was wrong about where Sharon was. It's a great story, though, right?

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You do, David. And newsflash, LinkedIn isn't just a job board. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. Even those who aren't actively searching for a new job, it might be open to the perfect role. In a given month, David, check this out, write it down if you want to, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit other leading job sites. So if you're not looking on LinkedIn,

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Well, I think that what I'm getting from today is behind the scenes, kids, people who want to get into show business, everybody behind the scenes is basically a guy who talks like this. What the fuck's the matter with you? Get over here, you son of a bitch. Even Gene Kelly singing in the rain. He's like, what the fuck? Get your head out of your ass, you prick. Exactly, exactly. Thank you for talking to us, and...

And I have to tell you, I learned a lot today. I learned that Ed, after 480 episodes, is more humble than I was after one 1-800-CLICK commercial. And he's a tough— I take away Ed is nice until he's not nice. Yeah. And you never want to meet that guy. That's my takeaway. Well—

That, you know, I mean, look, now, who knows? I mean, it's like, you know, I'm at an age now where I better watch myself. But yeah, I got money on you. Don't worry. You know, it was just the way I it was only it's just the way you grow up. You know, you just grow up a certain way. And

And, uh, and that's it. No, that's awesome. I'm going to start recording now. Yeah. Cause we're so, let's really start it. Um, and thank you. And I think this will, uh, this will make a good eight minute show. All right. Bye guys. Thank you very much.

Hey, what's up, flies? What's up, fleas? What's up, people that listen? We want to hear from you and your dumb questions. Questions, ask us anything. Anything you want. You can email us at flyonthewallatcadence13.com.

Hey, David, we get letters, as you know, and fans of the podcast like to ask us questions. This is from Robert Prince. Hey, guys. I've always loved the SNL opening credits montage and was wondering what your memories are shooting them. Do you have any say in the location or what you'd be doing during your part? Thanks, Robert in San Antonio. So what was your little video thing? I thought this question was about my vintage OP jacket, but.

On sale now, wherever you find your jackets. Wherever you find overpriced jackets. This is, I like this because the opening montage, it's always pretty much the same. They pick a theme. It's always a night shoot. You don't care because you just got an SNL and you got to pick out what to wear. And I wore my own shirt. Sandler looked cool and I used to always bust his balls because he kind of turned the game around.

I go, no, no, no. Does a little, yeah. He's like, hey, what's going on? What do you got going? And when I come, I'm like this, ha, showbiz. I was like, JonBenet, I really gave into it. But you do a couple. So he put me in front of a bar or something with lights. Jim Signorelli probably, right? Jim Signorelli probably. I had to just run around a corner and kind of run down a stairwell near a subway or something. Oh, is that yours? And then stop on

On a dime. And then I don't even know if I looked up or anything. I think we were just playing it like cinema verite. Yeah. Every year they did a different type of theme. Yeah. I was an action figure. Mine was- You were kind of stagnant. What's going on around town? We had like 22 guys to cover. Weren't you sitting on a bike rack and then you just turned to camera and go thumbs up? No, I was in the basket. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Dana pops out behind me. Hey, Dana Garvey. You were like ET. You were in the basket up front and I was riding the bike. Yeah.

Me, teeth, oh no. It's sort of like, as in Gilligan's Island, they go, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, and the rest. Gilligan's Island. Yeah, you know how they fuck the professor and Marianne? Oh yeah. Oh, I remember Marianne. The professor and Marianne.

I'm Thurston Halberd III. I can't believe where I was. What was that guy? Oh, he was great. Someone told me there's only like 12 episodes. I go, no fucking way. There wasn't that many, though. No, Bob Denver would not sit down for 12 episodes. He wouldn't do jack shit. That dandy was going to, yeah, that was a great show. I love those 60s sitcoms. I loved it. It was so simple. Damn it. Now it's all bleh. So I like the opening credits, but the sad thing was,

When I got there for my first show, I told this story. Stop blocking. When I did my first Michael J. Fox impression. I think it was just a photo we did with Edie Baskin. So it's a featuring David Spade and they just show a photo of us until we got in the real montage. But-

I did it and they forgot to put the photo up. I can't wait to yell at Kenny Among because all we do is say what a nice guy he is and he's the best guy in the world. But I know he feels horrible because David, David, I forgot. So they didn't put me in so no one knew it was me doing it. So at the beginning of the show, my one time to be

And it didn't happen. And then the next year, I think I did the video opening. There, that's all. Well, Lovitz was giving me a tour because he was on Saturday Night Live and I got on Saturday Night Live. So we're walking around. Jealous. Walking around 8-H and here's where you get your changes. And there's the stage. And Dom Pardo was there that day.

And I was kind of nervous just seeing him and everything. I know I might have said this before, but John goes, say his name, Don. Say it. You know, what do you mean? His name's Dana Carvey. Say it. You know, I go, John, he doesn't have to do that. So then he does go, Dana Carvey. And just gave me chills. I broke out into a cold sweat and I fit myself in a little ball and started sobbing. You got yourself into a shoebox, I heard. You

You curled and curled. The nerves of that show, man. The noise. Just walking in there, it just gets you tense. Oh, you walk through there. It's like walking through the high school you went to on a Sunday afternoon. And I'll be up every day. Well, yeah, you get shook down. They put you up against the wall and give me your lunch money. Then our coach said, just start swinging. I don't care how big the guy is. Don Pardo once stole money from me and pushed me down and said, don't tell the Lord.

I want your lunch money. Come here, you little pussy. You've got more than that. I know what you get here. I'm Don Pyle. And I'll fuck you up. I'll fuck you up. And drop your trousers, David. Okay. Sorry. Thank you for that question. Sorry, now I'm going blue. I love it. That means we're going to get sued. We're canceled, sued. OP jacket.

This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks. Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.