Eric André
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Hey guys, it's Spadoodle. You can always go to davidspade.com to look at my tour dates because I bless a lot of cities in America with my hilarious stand-up act. Or you could not go to it and get on my enemy list. Up to you!

Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah, I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guests to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

Eric Andre is our guest today, who I don't really know well at all. I think I've seen him out, and I've obviously seen a ton of his stuff he does. Very clever, very crazy. The Eric Andre Show. And a very smart dude, and I really like to sit with him and talk to him because I didn't know. I don't know anything about him, so I have no judgment. It's so great to see someone right in front of me. He came into the house.

And then we got to do it here, which is really fun. Easy to talk to. Has a book coming out, Dumb Ideas. It really is insight into the intellect and the brain trust behind the Eric Andre show and other things. He's a master of pranks. They've taken his hero, Johnny Knoxville, and, you know,

Borat and other things, and they post-modernized it, made it... It's incredibly entertaining stuff to watch. So doing the research, I became a big fan. And he's fun and easy to talk to. I hear his name a lot because a lot of people...

are like, did you see what he did? Did you see this? And he's just very good at all that and constructing these elaborate pranks. And they're really edgy and really where I was wondering, like, how do you not get the shit kicked out of you? Yeah. It's so terrifying. Like some of the stuff...

That seems very illegal. And he's got his show and the movie and now the book. Just a great, great, interesting person. And we had a lot of laughs. And if you're a fan of his, it also is just really just people talking in a room. So it was very nice to get to know him and the mind behind it. Very R-rated.

There was some description of some comedy pieces and they were a bit adult. Yeah. Let's put it that way. Anyway, please enjoy our next podcast, number 375 million. Eric Andre.

We have time for one more question. That call you made to Dan Curry, I don't even know what that was about. I don't know what that was about. So who was the guy that would come into SNL, or lady that came into SNL, and you guys were all like, oh, fuck, so-and-so's here. It's going to be a long week. Maybe that's too shit. No, no, it would be early on. You just walk into Lauren's office, and Mick Jagger's just sitting there in a sweater.

And you're like, oh. And he's like, make me fuck it up. And then Lorne goes, coffee? And Danny goes, no thanks. He goes, no, get some. Two. Two.

Didn't Eddie Murphy call you when you made fun of Boomerang? I remember on Howard Stern, you made fun of Boomerang. You go, oh, look, a star has fallen. And Eddie Murphy hounded you for like a week or something. That's a sort of trimmed down version. Let's get to the core. Is this too gossipy? No, but we want gossipy. We're so fucking boring. You're our most interesting guest so far. No one has asked this. You've mentioned us three times.

This is already a blast. No, listen. We like to talk about ourselves. David, tell the Eddie Murphy story. And I'll tell it from my side. I thought your question a minute ago is who kind of freaked you out if they came to the offices? Yeah. Like they would, someone is walking, like Dan Aykroyd, they go, oh, Lorna go, Danny might stop.

by and they're like danny danny zucco so uh billy billy and then there was always paul simon or paul mccartney yeah they just walk in your office hey what's going on here and then you're just writing some garbage yeah yeah but eddie murphy came by but he was i came to see rock once i don't even know if i was around because we didn't have a i wasn't around i think i made myself i was around for eddie coming back because he i don't think he's mad at me at that point

But he was for a second. Yeah, that was a real story. But did you write that joke or did somebody write that joke for you and you said it and you're like, don't shoot the messenger? How did you get out of it? I should have said that.

I didn't even think of saying that. It's a quarter century too late. You could have saved so much. That's what usually happens. You go, they write sketches. I go, I don't even know what's going on. Like when I did... Well, it was the Hollywood Minute. It was a thing he did. I was just making jokes. Or he would just shit on celebrities. It's a joke. You know, it's funny. It's a joke. It's a tough... I ran into Bill Bellamy. You know Bill Bellamy? Yeah, yeah. And he's a great guy. I saw him on the flight yesterday. Billy B. And he said...

We were talking about, cause I dated I Dallas in the old days. Remember I Dallas on MTV? She was a VJ. This might get too young for you. But anyway, I mean, you're too young, but anyway, they were all friends. We were all friends. So anyway, uh, and he's a great guy. So I said, uh,

He said, did you ever meet downtown Julie Brown? I said, I did a joke about her and that was it. It was same thing, Hollywood Minute. Oh, you made fun of her? She was, of course I get them when they're having trouble in their career, which is so fucking rude. Because it's funny. We're tribal again. I said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You were like 23 or something. Yeah, I was, listen, I was scratching to stay on the show. And you were killing with that. And when something worked, which most of it wasn't,

When I'd get a read through and I'd be, you know, I wouldn't have anything on. And then when I did that, Lauren, two weeks later saying, maybe Hollywood Minute this week? I'd go, are you shitting me? You want me to do something? Of course. And then everyone would be like, throw me their roughest jokes. But Julie's was, wubba, wubba, wubba, my career's in trouble, trouble, trouble.

And it was a good, it was a good, it was a good break. Was that one of her hit songs or something? No, she was a VJ that used to go. Oh, that was her catchphrase. That was her. Yeah. Yep. And, and I did that. And then she, I just heard two channels.

That she was upset with you. MTV back channels. Yeah. I'd be more upset. I'd be more worried about Eddie Murphy. Oh, Eddie Murphy. First of all, Eddie. Yeah. That, but before your thing happened, he just came back and he's just was hanging out, which was kind of cool. You know, this is maybe.

or something. So he's Beverly Hills Cop. And he just, he put out, potty all the time. Yeah. And he told me how great his music was. And I said, that's cool. He tells me and he goes, I don't think you believe me. He goes, no, I really am the shit, man. Huh.

party all the time and it was a pretty big hit. It was a hit. I wish I had that self-esteem. I wish I had that confidence and self-esteem. And knowing people might con on you for that. What do you mean? You got Blurp or Blarp? Who's your music alter ego? It's no party all the time, I'll tell you that. Oh, shit.

I just like tinkering with experimental shitty noise music on my computer. It was a toe-tapper. Party all the time. Party all the time's a hit. Yeah, party all the time's a hit. I love all that. It's a hit. The technology is advanced where I can, with a producer...

double track, triple disc. You putting out some jams? Well, yeah, I got a lot of songs. I'm a catchphrase guy. That's all it is. You got some jams coming up. And one phrase over and over again. Really? Okay. I'm not saying it's any good though. It sure is fun. It's the music I make. Yeah. It's horrible. So do you hate anyone in Hollywood actively right now? Um,

Um, uh, I'm glad you brought that up. I have some, I have some bones to pick. She has a list in your car. I got the list. Pick a bone is his name. I know who we're talking about. I mean, Lupita Nyong'o, first off. Uh-huh. She's in my crosshairs. Fuck him. Charles, Charles Locivio? That fucker? Sir Lawrence Olivier? Oh, yeah. I don't know if he's dead or alive. Billy Doo-Wop? From Detroit? No, I'm a lover, not a fighter. I don't like beefs.

Yeah, good. That's the thing. I'm not even cool enough to have beaks. I could tell from all your prank stuff that underneath was kind of a marshmallow. In a good way. I'm just channeling my 13-year-old id when I'm razzing celebs on my show. I'm not really. I'm not out for blood. Do you make fun of celebrities too? I make fun of celebrities too. Well, on the show. I have a talk show on Adult Swim that...

I prank celebrities in an all-Easy show fashion. Oh, no. And it's avant-garde. It's more than prank. It's acid humor. Well, that's what we'd say in our day. What would you call it? Avant-garde? Yeah, it's acid. It's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy, man. People are always like, how high are you when you come up with this stuff? What do you want? I'm like, coffee and stress. Who was on where you just suddenly had a boob and you're...

You're feeling the milk. Donald Glover. Donald Glover. Good memory. I had a realistic. And it's all done very casually. Yeah. I'm getting, or you're eating or spitting up ashes. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I snorted my uncle's ashes out of the urn. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. What's his music name? Donald Glover. Dana. Dr. G. Nope.

Oh, Dr. G. Dr. G. If it isn't now, what is now, once he hears this, Danny Glover. No, not Danny Glover. Donald Glover. Donald Glover. And Dr. G. I think you were thinking of Dr. John from New Orleans. Yeah. But that was the guy who came in and killed the choir with the gun. Yes, there you go. That piece of work is brilliant. Yeah, he's a genius. That was a fun one. That's crazy. That was a darling one. And...

What about when you had, the one I saw was a TI comes on. I think what they do, they probably know it's going to be some sort of shenanigans, right? Yeah. Because he sits down and then you go, I'm getting a boner. And then it pops through the desk, your dick. And then you start jacking it off. But his job is to act so cool about it. Is that what it is? I don't know if he was that cool about it. He was trying to be like nonplussed. He was trying to be nonplussed.

And nobody really knows what nonplussed means, but I'm going to say he was trying to be nonplussed. Nonplussed. I'm throwing it out there. Nonplussed to? He was recalcitrant. He was obdurate. Jesus Christ. No, I don't know what he was. He was supercilious? Yeah. That's real weird. He was sacrosanct. Community college. Forgive him. You should write a dictionary.

He's at Berklee School of Music. You're not smart, are you? We didn't learn anything there. I went to jazz school. Yeah. Jeez, this just in. Learned how to go boom, boom, boom. Yeah, I just learned the Seinfeld bass line over and over again. Well, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Okay, what was your question? T.I. Well, there was also male, full frontal male nudity.

- Not just the dildo, but there was a naked, we have a naked, one of our PAs on the show is naked all the time. So he was- - Who clashed in the guest? - By the way, Dane, in this one- - Just coming out all the way. - Wiener, I don't think it's really yours, comes out of the desk.

Yeah, that was a realistic looking dildo. And then he whacks it off. Yeah. And then a zombie crawls out of the floor. Oh, yeah. He didn't like that. Remember that? Yeah, he didn't like that either. Now, why does T.I. have a problem with this stuff? Did he not know what the show was about? He didn't really know. Nobody really knows or does their research, and we tell them little to nothing. We try to... We use all types of manipulative ways to juke around their publicist and get them in there without...

knowing much of anything. There was a young actress in one of the videos I saw, blonde hair, that you did something and you hurt my foot and she seemed really distressed. Then it becomes, do you think, know who I'm talking about? Yes. You've only had to say. That was Karuchi Tran was her name, Karuchi Tran. Yeah. She's cute. But they come and she's...

It's horrible, but they come out wide-eyed in there. Yes, yes. They're just seeing it start to happen. It's really a trip. Yeah. When they haven't seen the show. They get quite stressed. They get quite stressed sometimes. Well, they don't know what's going on. They think they're going on like Seth Meyers. Yes, yes. And then cockroaches will fly out of the desk. And then someone's pulling on their balls from under their chair. He's got a little note card instead of a cock coming out of the desk. And you're like, hey, sorry about that. So your parents are really happy about your success. No problem. Seth, we're kidding if you're listening.

Nothing is like this. Nothing is like on television that I'm aware of. Yeah. I hope not. Well, I mean, you know, I'm the sum of my influences. You know, there's an Ali G show. I know who your high three pieces are. I want you to pick. Some of your influences. Tom Green. Yeah, Tom Green. Again, master of distress and tension. Loved his stuff. My kids went fucking nuts for him. Yeah. Ali G, you know, Borat. Yeah. Genius. Yeah. And Jackass. Yeah.

Were those the Holy Grail? I mean, there's others. Those were the Holy Grail. That all came out in the formative year, like when I was in 12th grade and through college and Chappelle's show was on during college years. So those were like when I was trying to figure out when I was...

In the middle of jazz school, realizing that jazz school is not a promising career. And then I was like spending tons of money and going to jazz school. And then, you know, well, my parents were spending tons of money putting me through jazz school. And then I was like, towards the end of jazz school, I was like, don't worry, dad.

I figured it out. I'm not going to play the upright bass. I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to go into pranks. That's where the money is. And my dad was from a third world countries from Haiti and he became a doctor. He's like the American dream. So he was really not into doing it backwards. Yeah.

I was undoing the American dream. He brings the American dream. You have this hope. My dad's quote to his friend, because I just left and did it on my own too. He goes, oh, Jesus Christ, can you believe my son wants to be a comedian? That's the way he talked. And I didn't blame him, but I just did it. Yeah. Nobody's dad wants their kid to be a comedian. Well, they just assume it's not going to work. Yeah. It's like, I'm going to be an astronaut. I'm going to be a moon. Exactly.

Music comedians, Johnny Carson was an amazing drummer. You know about that? Yes. He was a toe tamper. He was a fucking toe tamper. Yeah, I was a high school garage band drummer. Ed, grab a tambourine. Yeah, you're a drummer. I did. Fred Armisen and you are both comedy drummers. Fred Armisen's a real drummer. Armisen's serious about it. You're a serious drummer. I got lucky with Wayne's World.

I practice on a jazz set and then Yamaha brought in this set. Oh shit. Motley Crue set. Yeah. Yeah. I can't do the solo. Yeah. Yeah. So that I, anyway, they gave me the jazz set, but I did one as church with Danny DeVito. Yeah. Yeah. And I was doing the Ringo and that one came out really lucky. Yeah. That's amazing. Just, that was my mic. That's my lady beat, beat Garth. And, and,

And Garth is your impression of your brother, right? Was your brother a drummer? No, I added the drumming part. But he was the science part of Garth. Science. I like that you're very serious because the last thing I saw was you in your talk show and you just stare at the guest and then you look around and then you go, oh, it's a bucket of jizz. And then it pours all over. And then I'm like, they're like, what the fuck?

What the fuck? So I read the book. Ask me about my movie. And it's interesting how you guys, your sort of true North Star was nothing can be too dumb. But in your book, you have a lot of rejected ideas. Yes. That's too much. Well, a lot of those are rejected just because we run out of money. Oh, because it was too much. We don't have a big budget, I think.

Do you have anyone you have to run anything by anymore or is it just sort of you guys do whatever you want? We always have, Adult Swim has always let us kind of do whatever we want. I can't imagine some, if they didn't say anything, like that's too far. We had one thing that they pulled. We had a country singer come on and sing a pro-Al Qaeda country song. In like 2005. Yeah, September 12th, 2001. Yeah.

but, um, they were not, uh, they weren't, they, they, they, they freaked out. I don't know, but they freaked out late after we locked the episode and delivered it to them. I was like, I got a call when I was like on mushrooms in Canada, in Muskoka, Ontario. And, um, you were on mushrooms when you got the call. I was on mushrooms when I got the call. And I thought you were in a mushroom field for some reason. I was on top of mushrooms. You were on mushrooms. Yes. Okay. And, um, they, uh,

yeah, they were like, we can't air this. I don't know. I think it went up there in Adult Swim channels and then the big boss man in the shadows. Who is the biggest company that owns you? That show. That owns that show. Who owns Adult Swim? I guess Adult Swim's owned by Turner, which is owned by Warner Brothers and Discovery Plus. Which is owned by Lorne Michaels. Which is owned by Lorne Michaels. Which is owned by Planet Krell. Yuck. I mean, it's almost getting there.

It's not. Hey, AI is coming up. I'm just saying it. Do you guys ever go back to SNL and do the show? Mm-hmm.

And is Lauren nice to you? Yeah. Lauren is like, when do you get to get... It's easier now because for me, I'm not as stressed as I was when I was there. Now it's over. He's not really my boss anymore. I come into a host or do something and it's just fun. So the anxiety isn't there. Anxiety is not quite as... When you're in your 20s. It does shoot up when you go in the hallways and you feel... You get the PTSD reaction. Yeah, there's something very real about that. You have your big break and Lauren is the decider.

you know, what gets on and everything. And so there's a natural, like he's the teacher, he's the power, he's the coach you make fun of, you know, but then when you get away from the show and then you're hosting, you're, you're hanging out with him. He's like your buddy all week. You see how he casually produces that show. And I would kind of come to the conclusion, he might be irreplaceable, but,

So he's got to live forever. He has to. It's called the CRISPR. We can edit genes and live a really long time if anyone could do it. But now I'm just super fond of him. I see him as way more sensitive and vulnerable than I realize this impenetrable...

socialite kind of erudite character that's part of his comic persona. Yeah. But he's a really good friend. He loves baseball. He's just very... You can do a sketch, Lorne Michaels, year 3000.

They've kept him alive. Did you ever have a moment where you thought you'd want to get on that show? When I was starting, like when I finally got like an agent and a manager in my mid-20s, I put together a couple audition tapes, but I never got the call. And then towards the end of my 20s, Eric Andre Show started. It seems to me like when you're doing these pranks and you're out there and you're bleeding in the park or something, like you really have to be a great actor.

I'll take it. You're acting and you've got people there and you can't. You only have one take, really. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Can I ask you a technical question? Yeah, absolutely. Because you've got a lot of shots. So you're bleeding and there's people who are coming up to you and you've got all these shots and you kind of in my mind, I'm thinking of crew, but is it just people who are pretending to be onlookers with hidden cameras? Yeah, hidden camera means hidden crew. That was the only way. Yeah, hidden camera means hidden crew. So the crew is playing clothes. Like Secret Service. Playing clothes and they're just around the action. And they have their Apple earbuds in as if they're listening to music. Oh, is that what works? But that's like a ComTech or like they're walkie. And...

I love that. I love the sophistication. They have like, you know, there'll be like a microphone and a coffee cup by a garbage can and those back-to-back GoPros. There's GoPros everywhere. Yeah. Inside is a different plan than outside. Interiors are... Yeah, that's much easier. You have to build hides. Interiors are way harder. Hidden camera. And exteriors are a lot easier. Build hides, Dana. Scribble it down. Yeah. Why don't we hide somewhere? What about when you're outside and you're... First of all...

obviously you'd be scared to get shot or beat up. I think those pranks literally today are even scarier. - We got a knife, me and Tiffany Haddish and Laurel Howry did a prank movie called "Bad Trip." It's like a narrative. It's like Borat. - Yes. - The narrative prank movie on Netflix.

And the first prank Rel ever shot with us was the first day of shooting and we got a knife pulled out on us. We went into a barber shop in the hood with our penises stuck in a Chinese finger trap.

And we're stretching. They're prosthetic dicks, but they look realistic. So the dicks are stretching back and forth. I thought that on I Love Lucy. The dicks are stretching back. Yeah, we ran into this barber shop. Fred Mertz and Desi Arnaz doing that? I don't think so. It's an old I Love Lucy. Hey, Rick! It's from the Honeymooners. Yeah. And no, we ran into this barber shop and we asked the barber. We're like, hey, can we borrow your scissors? We're stuck in this. Scissors? Yeah.

And he was like, oh, he went into this homicidal rage, looked for his gun, which he told us later that he forgot that day that he brings to work every day, and then found his knife and then chased us out with a knife. And then Rel quit the movie for a little bit. Then we had to beg him back. I get it. Yeah. It was a little bit stressful. It's a bit stressful. Yeah, there is that. The high wire act of that brings part of the entertainment to the viewer. You know, people don't work. I think that you...

Some people, if you're doing something that's super, uh,

sexual toward guys, they get really mad too. Is that, do you find that? You know what I mean? Like if you go rub naked and it's one of those bits, guys get really freaked out. Like they're embarrassed. They're humiliated. They don't know what's going on. Yeah. I think we were in a pretty rough. Let me hear a story about that. I love naked guys rubbing up against me, even if it's real. I thought that was just a rumor. Well, you know, we were in a bit of a

rough, rough around the edges neighborhood in Atlanta. And I don't even think the guy heard us. We just walked into the barber shop with our penises covered. I almost fell over. And then like we went, excuse me, sir, can you help us? And then he just saw our dick stretching back and forth. So we just looked like eccentric perverts flashing him in his establishment. Was it silly potty or was it your real dick? It was a prosthetic. It was a prosthetic penis piece made by like these Oscar award winning.

We've been around this territory a lot on the podcast. You know, this is the stretching penis thing. It's fascinating. The one that I saw I thought was extra kind of brilliant was you come in

and you have the guy the street vendor and you get a wig on and you start putting lipstick on oh yeah and then the cop comes in yeah and you're trying to don't give me up and then he wants yeah the cop goes have you seen this guy he's a homicidal murderer on the loose and at this point i have a wig on sunglasses and lipstick yeah and i'm like we're both the cop and i are facing the guy we're pranking and i went to the guy don't you say a fucking

Oh, yeah. So he's like pointing. He's trying to get the cops. He's trying to get the cops. He's really, really freaked out. So the cop's an actor and doesn't pick up on it. No, but then someone else comes in. Yeah, and then a security guard comes up and he goes, have you seen this guy? And he shows a picture of the cop, a mugshot of the cop. He goes...

he's impersonating a police officer. He's wanted for murder. And then they both start going, don't you fucking say a fucking word. That's got a next level in a way. That's so clever. Yeah, the guy was very stressed. The one where your dress is an all gold guy statue. Oh yeah. And then there's a silver statue. Yeah. And then you casually go over and rack them with a pole or something. Yeah. They go, oh! It really sounds violent. And then a cop comes over and you hit the cop and everyone's like, what the fuck?

So he's the gold statue, you know, trying to get money in the park. And there's a silver statue. And your guy goes and just starts beating the shit of the silver man. As he's on your turf. People are going, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. No one like, first of all, no one's helping anyone anymore. But, you know, they get nervous and run away. But I would think there's so much crime now, it's less, it's hard to even scapegoat.

scare people because it's so common that they just keep walking like this is normal this is real yeah and i better go you just know people are on edge everyone's on you can find you can you can scare people it's it yeah well i get scared all the time i don't like to be pranked i i nobody really likes to be pranked because it usually i don't like to be it's usually like i look good you look stupid in the end you know what i mean and the guy you see the guy in the mall there's a kid and he was

being weird to some guy and the guy turned on and shot him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure that made it across your desk. Oh, yep. Yep. I've been, I've been talking about that. Has your staff, has Dan or other guys, have they pranked you?

Yeah. I mean, right now I'm doing a show on ABC with Johnny Knoxville and he's like hitting me with tasers and stun guns every five seconds. What is the name of this one? This is Prank Panel. Yeah. It was called Prank Tank, which is such a better name, but Shark Tank wouldn't give us the

Really? You have to run that file? They own Tank. Oh, it's ABC? It's ABC versus NBC shit. Yeah. So Shark Tank's NBC, this is ABC. Prank Tank is a good name. Prank Tank rolls off the tongue. Dana, let's do Prank Tank. Yeah, you can do it if you can get Mr. Wonderful to give you the okay. We can ask Lauren to make it happen. So I remember seeing this because on Johnny's Instagram. So yeah, so it's you guys go out and do you get regular people? Is that how it works? It's just like Shark Tank for pranks. So like people come on and they pitch their prank to us and-

We either say, yes, your prank's awesome. We'll do it for you. Or we're like, nah, pass. But we also are pranking each other. And then if you like their prank, do you go actively do it?

We produce it for them. So we might not be incorporated in the prank. We usually help them. Is this just you and Johnny? That's me, Knoxville, and Gabourey Sidibe. And so the three of us at one point were all armed the second day of shooting. I had a stun gun on me. She had pepper spray. Oh, ready for each other. What a drag. Yeah, it was a bit intense. But my crew has pranked me. But it was kind of like inside joke stuff. I mean, my producer...

Dave Burnett on the movie, he put... Oh, he made a credit score. He's like, the movie's locked. You just got to approve the credit score. And he left my name out of all of the opening credits. He put everybody...

It's pretty tame. And you had to go up and go, hey. I called the guy from MGM because it was at MGM first. And I was like, I've worked on this movie for seven years. I had a meltdown. I was like, I've worked on this movie for seven and a half years. You're not even putting my fucking name in the movie. It's so obvious. I'm a mess. And you're like, do you want to know who's in this movie? He's like, oh, Jesus. The guy from MGM was like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You didn't know He was unlooped in on the break You called the highest guy up You fucker Yeah I went full Joe Pesci on him I thought nuts Johnny Like he's got all these injuries He was on our podcast It's very interesting How much pain He's got so many It's 16 concussions And a brain hemorrhage He peed through his eyeball Did you hear this? And he had He did He broke his urethra And he had to wear Something inside his urethra For Yeah he had to pee With a catheter For three years

It's fucking crazy. Because you've avoided all that. You could think you've maybe taken falls. Yeah, I hurt myself a little bit, but not like him. I asked him one time, I was like, why do you hurt yourself so much? And he went, oh,

deep self-loathing. Plus, I think when the show's a hit and they do a movie, the movie is so fucking exciting to go see that first time. And they're going out in slow motion in the shopping cart and everything's blowing up in the beginning. If you're a kid, I don't know how old I was, like maybe even 20. And I had kids at this age where that was. Yeah, but it works for every age because it's primal. Yeah, I love it. Like an 80-year-old man can watch it and a 12-year-old kid can watch it. I think boys like it a little bit more than girls, but...

Just climbing on a rocket. It's international too. It's all physical humor. You don't need to know English. You don't need to know English or any language. You can watch it muted. But that's what I'm saying is he probably keeps doing it because they throw money at him like this is your thing and now it's like too much his thing. Then you act and stuff and they're like, no, fall down. No, yeah, get hit by a bull. You know Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program? Oh, yeah. If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older.

I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! Oh, my gosh. And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

is that when you learn a language and you learn to pronunciate the words in that language, you start to learn about the people who live there and speak that language. Sort of a subtle, intuitive way of integrating with the culture. A little different, yeah. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time, Fly on the Wall listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off.

You just visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony.

which isn't us. E harmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that, but the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Um, just someone like if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah, it's not it. Look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, um,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. You want to- So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. I think in the old days, when you date...

And today you sort of, it unfolds as you get to know them without Googling everything about their life before you see them. But maybe it's known as a safety measure in quotes, but it's really, it's almost too much to know too fast.

Yeah, social media ruins the getting to know you portion of dating someone. 50% of hookups. A little bit. 50% of non-celebrity hookups now are on social media or Tinder or those sites. 50%. 50%. So the tall men are harvesting. So it's like there'd be the stud in the neighborhood in the olden days and he'd harvest the neighborhood. Now the tall guy can carry counties, Northern California. Wait, what's going on?

Well, it's just bioevolution, you know, because it's just all a digital image. Yeah. But there's also filters, and then there's actually girls that are AI, so they show up my feed, and I'm like, I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know if this is a robot. And then they're like, I make $50,000 a month, and I'm a fucking robot. I'm like, wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're getting better than that. You can't tell...

how someone really is from a two-dimensional image of them. Right. You really got it. I'm personality-based. But all our digital image, like I never saw John Wayne in person. Yeah. He's just an image. He was gigantic. I never saw him.

Seven foot six. You know what he really was? Bob Mitchum told me this. Look him up, kids. Anyway, so he had the cowboy boots plus lifts. He was a true 6'4", so that put him at 6'7". He really was giant. And then he would wear a cowboy hat, and he got up to about 280, 300 pounds. So when you see him in movies, they can barely fit him in the cabin with the other actors. Whoa.

You know, come in and sort of. And what's the rumor about when he died, he ate so much meat. You know the rumor? No, that was Elvis. 55 pounds of meat in his colon. They call it. Come on. That's what I heard. Impacted fecal matter, David, please. It's impacted fecal matter. But that was Elvis. Now I'm getting turned on. There was 37 hot dogs in his colon when he died.

Elvis was pooping. That is not the way you want to go. He was alone in the mansion. I'll get you some paper. Anybody here? Even a paper towel. He was on barbiturates or something, right? He was all pills. Sound like Adam 12. Were you on whites, zoomers, poppers, bing bongs? The yellows, the fizzies, the jizzies. That's Judy Garland. You know, the uppers and the downers and Elvis was in that too.

Judy Garland was flying high. Oh, Mickey Rooney told me that. You ever seen that Doc Ellis pitching on LSD cartoon? Didn't he pitch a no-hitter or something? Yeah, he pitched a no-no. He pitched a no-hitter on LSD in the 70s. He was in Pittsburgh. Let me ask you guys a question. I don't know. Like now in...

I don't know anything about baseball, but... No, no. That's what he was like. Do you think cannabis is a performing enhancing drug? Because they're busting track athletes. Not for me. I don't think it's a performing enhancing drug for athletes. Yeah, I know. They busted another one. I think that's weird, old school bullshit. I don't know. But...

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Maybe you could say it like soothes your injuries. So you have a step up. Are you kind of hyper-focused for some people? Maybe. It's not my drug. It hits me sideways. Bill Murray said in the old days, it's sad when the scariest thing about weed is getting caught. Like there's nothing really bad it does to you. Yeah. He was saying back in the day. Do you smoke Mary Jane? I smoke a little bit, but.

When I went, I told Dan I went to one of the weed stores to get a weed pen because my neck's bad. And I was like, I just want a weed pen. They're like, which one of these 600...

I'm like 600. I don't know. I go, this is where you come in. I go, give me that purple, you know, North slope, Vietnamese hash oil. And so the guy goes, oh, and he, and then the manager came out and he goes, oh, David Spade. He puffs up. He goes, hey, go grab him some fentanyl crab cakes and get him some LSD candy corns. And I'm like, no, no, I'm okay. Fentanyl crab cakes. Fentanyl crab cakes have all this weird shit. People go, just take a gummy. I take a couple milligram. I take a chocolate. And I go,

But how do you know, how many do you do it before you get to the one you go, this is the one that works? You must flip out. I can't do the edibles. Are they strong? No, I can't do it. I can't even smoke weed. It just bugs me out. I don't know. I have too much. And everyone thinks you're such a burnout. I hallucinated on edibles. Yeah, no. It was horrible. It's the only drug I can't do. Horrible. But I think you're right when people say,

they must say to you, you must've been so baked. - Must be so stoned. - You're like, no, it's hard to think of smart things when you're waiting. - No, yeah, caffeine is my only drug while I'm working. But yeah, weed, it doesn't hit me right, especially edibles, it's just a bad trip every time.

Five-hour energy, on the other hand. I'm goofing that. I think Seinfeld had a 10-minute chunk on that. 10 minutes. Five-hour energy. After three hours, you only have two hours left on Jerry Seinfeld. I took a sip. What am I, 15 minutes?

But he just had fun with the concept of it. It is funny. I think we're going to call it five-hour energy. This is a good hook. It's a good hook. It's going to call five hours. Placebo is real. Yeah, yeah. Let's look at our notes here. I have a question. Before we get into Emily Ratajkowski, which will be the last 45 minutes, when people say, a lot of our viewers said,

Because the clickbait I saw was Eric Andre with Emily Ratajkowski. One of them's naked. I'm like, click on it. It's the other one. She was naked too, but in the background. If that's the picture. You know when you go into that maelstrom, then you become inside that maelstrom.

I'm non-plus-strap. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what maelstrom is, but I'm too late. Well, I don't know if I use it properly. Is it like a maelstrom? It's kind of like if you date another kind of celebrity, you go into their ecosystem of how, as an influencer or whatever, she's constantly photographed all around the world. A whole different crowd. Yeah, that's all I'm saying. Or maelstrom. Maelstrom.

Well, why didn't you say so? Ecosystem. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Venn diagram of demographics. Yeah. Nothing's clicking for me yet. I did a gummy before I got here. Yeah, that's good. Because you don't handle marijuana. I know. Taylor Swift. Why did you do it? I panicked. Eric panicked. Damn it. You might not have heard this. Taylor Swift's dating Travis Kelsey. Dating Travis Scott? Is that what he's doing? Travis Kelsey. A football player. That one is even...

Matriculated to my brain. I've seen it. The football player in the post. He's showing off. My endoplasmic reticulum. I remember. I have three words left. I'm going to say my last one. End of establishment in Terrianism. We thought when Ashley Judd, when I was doing something for Paramount, she was doing like this, one of those spider movies, whatever it is.

Actually, it was great. We were friends. And I told her once she had dictionary mouth because she kept saying words like that and it kept throwing me. And I go, are you doing that on purpose? She's like, no. And I'm like, no, you can't throw that many into a sentence. Just relax. Yeah. Back to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. I'm dating Travis Kelsey. Is that what you're getting? I see where this is going and I just want to get ahead of it. Do you feel like there's a weird interest from her fans and your fans and you've got to be careful because you don't want to make her fans mad? Is there anything like that?

No, I don't think maybe I should think that way. And I'd be more successful if I thought that way. But I don't. I don't think that's what you think. So she. That wouldn't bother you. She was aware of you. And then she probably meets you like you are now. And it's, it's, you know. Because you seem like an interesting guy. A charming, calm. Yes. You're not. Sophisticated. Sophisticated.

That's me. I'm a drab. I'm nonplussed. You know who I have a crush on and everyone gives me shit? David Spade. You know everyone gives me shit about that? I go, just say, like on Instagram, you can say you have a crush on me. You can say, you know who I think is cute? David Spade, without adding an addendum. Ha ha ha.

of like, you know who's actually kind of cute? They throw actually a lot. And I'm like, just to keep your friends at bay, like, don't worry, I know too. I know. You're getting hurt. But I don't get anything like that at my time on the planet. You know. When you get in my age group, there's no caveat. You're still in the cute age group. Yeah, yeah. I get beauty and the beast.

I've dated some, you know, good looking people in the public eye. People go, beauty and the beast every time. And I go, look, you know, I'm not a male model, but I'm not the fucking elephant, man. Give me something. I look like Steve Urkel for the first 20 years of my life. Give me something. Heather Locklear or Nicolette Sheridan, it was always like this fucking piece of shit. Like it was the same thing. It was beauty and the beast is one, but I always thought you couldn't flip that and say this great long guys with his dog face whore. It's like, well, I mean, God damn. But with us, it's like,

You guys are celebrities. It's one safe thing to say about guys. They're gross. Yeah, that's fine. I don't care. I've been married 40 years to six different women. You know what? This joke, I didn't stop. Simultaneously. They stopped saying Beauty and the Beast to him a long time ago. Here's a bad pun. Why is this very pretty? You mentioned Heather Locklear. When I was doing The Grumpy Old Man with her, I'd go, Heather Locklear! Jesus. I don't do jokes. That was...

That's something you would do on, you know. Don't put that on me. You got dicks connected by bungee cords. So I'm fucking a chess set. You fucking jack off this midget. I'd want to be in your writer's room. Sure, anytime. Come on now. You're going to make 300 bucks a week, brother man. But what do I net? Oh, I have one more question. $7 in a sandwich.

I know all this gossipy stuff. I'm sorry. But listen, listen. Yes. When you, I don't know if Dana saw this or the listeners at home, you're, you're at a, this is the one that scared me. When you have someone crammed in a suitcase and they're trying to get out and all these people around and they're saying help and you go, you shut the fuck up with anyone that is any,

Obviously people kind of want to help and you tell them to shut up and mind their fucking business. And I'm like, God damn. It's just the most weirdest, grossest feeling because people don't know what to do and they think they should kill you. They're like, I'm here to save a kidnapping. And who is in the... That was a Russian contortionist.

I think her name was Olga. I'm not making that up. It wasn't even that big of a deal. Rolling a suitcase, just for the people listening. Rolling a suitcase. It's not the best bit in the world. No, it's good. It's good. It's the way you play it. There's the setup. It's a good bit. And there's a hand that's not all the way zipped up. And we have safe words, too. I was like, Olga, when you say popcorn, I'm going to let you out. She's like, I'm fine. This is no problem. And she's like, I could be in here for hours. I'm human pretzel. What is the problem, Mr. Andre Eric?

I'll talk like this for no reason. No, but then there's a hand and so people are noticing what the fuck and then you're yelling at them. It's so funny that you're like angry. Who's in there? And you go, you shut the, mind your fucking business. You said it's like a puppet or a toy. Oh, yeah. I don't remember that. Be honest with you. Yeah, like excuses. We know you're, it's obviously a real person. Do you remember the one where it's like, you're hanging from a, no, I'm sorry.

We thought of stuff you'd never remember. Yeah, no, I mean... I want to... I love this shit. I love that you guys have actually seen it. I'm flattered. Sure. Things that you may want to get to. Well, this is kind of interesting. Were you really think you're banned from SNL because of that issue? Oh, no, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not. It's in your book. I was...

Is it? Oh, it is in my book. Or maybe it's on your Wikipedia page. It's in my bio. I talked to your mom. No, it was like a... Just a stupid thing. He's not allowed to come to the show for the rest of the year kind of thing with somebody that doesn't work there anymore. And I met the woman that replaced her and she was like,

F that lady. You're always welcome to come by anytime. Don't worry about that. That was like a very exciting thing. I got too drunk before taping. I just wanted to come as an audience member to a taping and I, I planned on,

enjoying taping. It was with, it was Selena Gomez was hosting and Post Malone was the musical. She was great. And I was there and I drank Hurricanes. Hurricanes. Hurricanes. Did I say that? Do I say it in the book? Yeah. I drank Hurricanes. Yeah. And they're very strong. What is a Hurricane? Just want to know. It's rum, passion fruit syrup and lemon.

It's everything. But there's four ounces of Jamaican rum in it. So they're very boozy and very sweet. So you knock back one and it's like the strength of three cocktails in one minute. It's so sweet. And where did you have this cocktail? Downstairs in a bar? No, I was, I had a screening of Bad Trip earlier that day. We never got to screen the movie because of

covid so we did these like one year anniversary screenings okay a year after the movie came out when when um you know life was kind of coming back to semi-normal so we did a screening in la and a screening in new york so in the afternoon i was like this is the red carpet celebration i always wanted to have yeah and i i made hurricanes in my green room and when we drank i only drank like three of those things but i got fucking and then you go to snl and you're still but i went to him that was more than buzz i went

I never throw up from drinking. I never, ever throw up from drinking since I was in high school or something. And I was going to throw up. And I was like, it's better that I just get up and leave and not throw up in the crowd than throw up in the crowd. During her monologue. Yeah, it was like right at the top. And I was like, I don't want to vomit here. And it's so dead silent and you're stiff and you're just trying to get the spins. Very cramped. The seats are tiny. Yeah, it's very tight. The floor seats are really jammed. You don't realize how tiny it is on...

on television like the sets and everything that studio is tight it's tight so I was like I don't want to vomit and I turned to my date and I was like I don't feel great I might throw up

I have to get fresh air. She's like, I'm easy. We went outside. I went to a halal cart on whatever street 54. And I just started wolfing down halal. And then I felt like a million bucks. I went home, but, uh, it was, I did not want to throw up and disrespect or Lauren. They don't love it. That's a comedy killer. Yeah. Unless it's fake vomit on your show. I would love it on live. What would you do on live? And Selena would have to stay.

Say something. I was far enough back, but I was quite inebriated and I needed to go home. I needed to go home. It was time for me to go home. My question was when you were saying about SNL, E,

there was some interest, but it took, was it a little too late? Like you got on your own show and it was sort of known as cool? - Well, on my show, I had full creative freedom to do any sketch or prank or whatever I wanted. So it felt like-- - You did the right thing. - It would have been lateral at best if I got on SNL at that point. - Would you host if they called you? - Oh yeah, absolutely. - All right, let's make a little-- - You have to say yes. Any community that says no is lying.

you have to have that experience I'm sure it's incredibly nerve wracking but you'd be great because you do stand up you do two specials and you do sketch and you're willing to do a lot which they love they love if they write and you can probably bring in some guys pre-taped pranks you can pre-tape stuff if you hosted they would do that I would love to do you know obviously the monologue and sketches during the

the main event, but I'd love to pre-tape pranks around New York like earlier in the week. That'd be a good idea. Yeah. Because they do pre-tapes because I saw this weekend and there's,

One or maybe even two. And what you used to do as a host, you come in on a Monday, we do nothing until Monday night meeting at six. But I think they pull you and make you shoot Monday now. And then maybe even Tuesday. Because you don't have to do much as a host on Monday and Tuesday. Yeah. I can't imagine the fucking pressure. It's so hard. I can't imagine that pressure. It is a lot. Why is it live? Why is it live? Like it's only making everybody's life so much more stressful. Well, one of the things, and I don't know if...

anyone had the prescience to, to figure this out. It's embarrassing. It is a, it's a sporting event, you know, and it's also, the fact that it's live. Yeah.

I can enjoy it if the show's kind of tanking and you can see people kind of just not, it's not happening. Yeah. Especially on the East Coast because there'll be a little bit of a sweetening for the West Coast. Of course, now you can see it on Peacock Live. Yeah. I own Stockton Universal. Look, Peacock, where all the good shows live. That's a byline I wrote. I get an annuity. Fuck that. Anyway. It's almost the show that shows Yellowstone. But I feel it. Isn't that a different one? Oh, that's Paramount, yeah. Yeah.

No, Yellowstone has been reconfigurated. Now it's on CBS and getting huge numbers. Like crazy numbers. Oh, was there some controversy or something? No. I'm out of the loop. It's probably a little cleaned up because it's a little dirty. There was a lot of violence and some swear words and stuff. That's all. I don't like any swear words. I don't like any blue humor. By the way, the name of your book...

is dumb ideas. Dumb ideas. But you were about to say something. You were about to say something. You said prescient and then you like, you're. Oh, I think I would just meant that, that Saturday night live is a de facto reality show. You're seeing a football player or an actress try to do sketch comedy. So you're, you're struggling with them. Good or bad. Right. And so that's one compelling ask. The other one is when someone comes on, there's, you've got 20 cast members, but this new man or woman comes on and,

And this is their big break. Yeah. And you start to noticing them go up the food chain more and more and seeing them evolve. You see the audience start to discover the performer. Yeah. The performer then gets more confident and you see it with, you know,

Kristen Wiig, David, anybody. And that journey is also very compelling. So I don't know if 1975, Lauren's like, we'll have these other lanes. It'll be a comedy show. We'll have comedians, but we're going to play in these other arenas. Breaking bands too. When I was there, we saw Nirvana. And breaking bands. Yeah. Nirvana, Pearl Jam. Like when you're on there and you go, I can tell these people will be big. I can't personally, but I was told. Yeah.

These guys are good. I honestly, when Pearl Jam came out the second time, now I love them, but it takes me forever. I'm like Europe. It takes me two years to get what people like. Yeah. And then when they came on, I go, oh, Pearl Jam, are you going to do a live? That's my favorite. And the guys go, we did that last time. Well, here's a triple question for you. Well, I'm so locked into my sketches. All right.

Here's a triple question. Oh, shit. Love a triple question. As a consumer, as an artist, you, musically, film, television, anything you watch or see or read, you're actually what you find most attractive in a woman in terms of her personality and what is, do you have a type? Yeah.

I don't think this is a triple question. I think it's a triple question. I think I have a third one, but I didn't want to go political. All my answers are hack for that question. That's good, though. What do you like? You don't like personality, do you? My therapist would be very proud for me to say

My therapist said it. You really have a therapist? Several. I have several. My therapist said a great thing. They said they can be physically attractive, but it can't be the first thing. It's got to be like the fourth thing. If it's the fourth thing and they have three other qualities that are higher in the ranking, that's

- Sense of humor. - Sense of humor, yeah, that's what I was gonna say. It sounds very hack, but it's true. - No, no, those are archetypal. - Because sense of humor tells you if somebody's intelligent, it tells you their worldview, it tells you if they're on the same wavelength as you. If your sense of humor is matching, it's telling you green flags for all these other qualities. - Specifically if it's like, it's sort of when girls say, "I like a sense of humor." - Girls. - It's, or women, whatever. I can't say girls anymore. I say boys though.

Yeah, boys. But for women, if say sense of humor... The Rock is a really cool boy. It's like saying, it's like saying, I like music. It's a little vague. So you say, what kind of sense of humor? And if it jives with yours, then it's a big hit. You know, like there's...

people that think I'm funny and people that think I'm not funny. So I'm not funny. So if you see someone and then it sort of, it's on the same wavelength, that means a lot. That's a big thing. You're right. And the looks is always in there, but the others don't last longer than three months. The therapist is asking you to take the feminine position because I think these are generic stereotypes in a way, but women are, have a wider bandwidth of what they can find attractive and,

and sense of humor, ambition, drive, all personal, how they treat their friends. Men are like cavemen. Yeah, so your therapist is trying to get you to the looks being that fourth thing. So then it's going to be about how are they with their, so they have friends, this relationship.

How are they with their family? Yeah. You know, all these different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. How are they to a waiter? How are they to- Yes. How are they to an Uber driver? Little things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I talked to someone recently- If they're rude to an Uber driver, it's a red flag. Yeah. Was dating somebody and the headphones didn't work on the jet, I guess it was a problem, and the guy flipped out.

the fuck man i can't even fucking and threw him against the plane who was this someone i it was just a red flag of somewhere if you have someone like their cocktails not perfectly done and the rest of the first date and talk what the fuck man god damn it's too much vermouth yeah yeah yeah yeah if they're like a white lotus character then it's a red you want chill i know men at this point women have their whole story but it's this is a guy podcast

You know what else is good? Calm. General disposition. Because sometimes, and demeanor, because if there's some people you're also, every time you see them, you go, I got to try to get them up.

Like they're kind of down or they're kind of in a bad mood. They're kind of grousey and you're trying to go, Hey, and you don't want to set them off. I mean, not to set them off. Like it's that itchy, but just some people are just light. You don't want to feel like you're walking in eggshells. Yeah. You want somebody has the emotional regulation game down, down pat a little bit. It's a chill person. Because yeah. Yeah.

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At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. Have you had a... You're a young man. Have you had a relationship that lasted a few years? The longest I've gone is a year and a half. That's fine. I know a celebrity that doesn't want me to mention it. Popcorn, popcorn. The longest he... This celebrity...

I'm like that though. I, I, I, I know a celebrity that can only go 30 days. I'm working on that. I'm working on it. 30 days is the longest he can go. Really? Yeah. Really? 30 days. Some would say that's an avoidant. I can't. Say his name again. I couldn't hear. James Earl Jones. Damn it. Neil DeGrasse. Why? No, I can't call Jimmy for Thanksgiving now. That would be James. That's been tutu. No, it's, so that's fine, but, uh, uh, uh,

There is a shift occurring. I'm having my, I just turned 40. I'm having my midlife.

crisis shift in my priorities. I was very focused on making whatever type of comedy that I've been trying to do work for. And it takes 20 fucking years. It just, it's hard. And I have like a very specific nuanced, um, comedic POV and sensibility. So it's not for everybody and it's not, um, a normal or mainstream, um,

point of view. So it took me a very, very long time. I'm still figuring it out, but I feel like it's on its feet a little bit more than it was 10 years ago or 20 years ago. And I have somewhat of a body of work to show like, hey, this is what I'm trying to do. But it took two decades. So now that it's

somewhat on its feet. I'm no Shecky Green, but... But you're famous. You have a brand, you have a lane, like people know about you. Yeah, there's something there. There's some body of work I can point to now where now I'm like, what else is life about? And I don't think just...

money or career is a wealth. I think love is a wealth and love life is a wealth. So now I'm like, Oh, maybe there's other aspects of my adult life that I could, um, nourish. And before the first, uh, 20 years of my career, 20 to 40, I was just like,

hey, you're hot and you're paying attention to me. Let's make out for a year. And then I'd be like, uh, I'm not really thinking about it more three-dimensionally. And now through an immense amount of therapy as a child of divorce, I am, uh, thinking about it more three-dimensionally and realizing that, um, uh,

an amazing woman in your life can bring a lot of balance. I was going to say the word balance, not even a big word, but you know, you got your show business lane. Yeah. And then if it's all about that lane and the balloon gets a little deflated for a couple of years, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. You're not a shiny object anymore. You want to come home. I think it would be a nourishing for my life if I came home to my best friend every day and I could vent to her or when we could share experiences together. But yeah.

the first 20 years of my adult life in the workforce, I was just like, let's make out and hump. That's all right. You know, like. Lorne Michaels said once, there's something about a man in his 40s and a woman in her 20s. Yeah. That is a link. That is a link. I feel like. You want to establish your career. Which is a horrible way to start a sentence. But like, I do feel like the gal on a date now where I'm like, I'm like,

what are you looking for on a first date? Whereas in my 20s, I'd just be like, ah, you're hot. Check this out. Am I making you laugh? And girls are like, shut the fuck up. All right, let's back out. Girls kiss me mostly to stop me from talking. I agree.

They take you? They shut up and kiss me. Yeah, they just go, shut up and kiss me. It's not romantic. It's literally shut up. There's anything to stop it. Now, are you going to settle down? Well, I was hearing you.

And I was getting your free therapy. What's the longest relationship you've ever done? Three table dances in a row. That was my old answer. That was from my special. That was a perfect answer. No, that was from an old joke. You never set David up like that. No, but I hear you. Yeah, I get it too. And I'm a child of divorce, so I never even tried to look that deep into it. But yeah, there's definitely some...

the red flag store has gone out of business over here. So it's just, it's just. Would you say it's an avoidant attachment style? My therapist also was like, don't pathologize yourself too much. Just you'll, you'll figure it out. I also don't believe in societal norms. Right. Always being like the answer for everybody. And each person is their own universe and whatever makes you happy, makes you happy. So I agree to that. Some people want marriage and children. Some people want,

No marriage. Some people want children with no marriage. Some people want marriage with no children. So, you know, it's all, I was on Bill Maher's show and he's apologetic going, you know, people are mad at Bill Maher because it is a wife and a kid. I go, I'm not mad at you. I don't care at all. What do you mean? You have to live like me. Yeah. But I think it's still, that's the prevalent,

Is that a word? Prevalent? Yeah. The prevalent... I can't continue after I say it. Oh, please. I don't know what it means. But, you know, people have the wife and kids and the family. And every movie is family. And every movie is like, well, you have family when you come home. And if you're watching those movies and you don't have a family coming, those bother people too. You can't just say, oh, and at the end of the movie, they get back together and then they have the kids and then they're all in the same house. And you go...

I know that's what everyone's saying, but I don't know if everyone is exactly that anymore. It's very modern families out there. Well, the birth rate is not being replaced in the Western world. I mean, we're not at replacement. Right.

At least us Irish Norwegians are not replacing ourselves in America right now because a lot of the, there's no money. There's 77 trillion with my tribe, the baby boomers. We have all the money. We paid all the debts, all went to us. And so the kids are coming up, young people trying to buy a house, the homeownership's way down. The, you know, what I would pay 300 for an apartment in the 70s now is like 4,500. Yeah.

So there is all that too. It's hard. It takes money to have a family. Yeah. And kids are expensive. Yes. And I like, um, sleeping in, I like traveling and I like, um, only spending my extra shekels on myself selfishly. If I, I think like, Oh, I want to take a trip to what, whatever. I want to go to Paris. If I was like, I want to go to Paris, but I have to pay for my wife.

wife and my three kids. I'm like, shit, you're dragging me down. You're kind of hurting my pockets. I wouldn't be in a hurry. I know a lot of dads who started their family in their 50s. I know that too. That's more common than Al Pacino. The testosterone goes down and then someone like a Clooney or a Warren Beatty can go, okay.

I had 7,000 girlfriends. Now I can lock in. Yeah, Warren Beatty was like Will Chamberlain, right? Yeah. He was fucking wild. Charming. Johnny Carson, too, wasn't he? Johnny, Johnny. I heard he humped around. Every single extra. Really? Oh, yeah. Let's do poppers. Let's do poppers tonight right before. No. I heard he had to have sex with five women a night or something like insane. I knew. I knew. Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo.

I knew someone who was his girlfriend when he was like, she was like 30 and he was like 64 and they'd be at a party and he'd be hitting on someone over by the stairwell. So you do these pompers. Well, if you were divorced twice, it would be more normal. What's that? If you were divorced twice by now, it'd be more normal. Yeah, that's the other thing. A lot of my friends my age, late 30s, early 40s are all, not all going through divorce, but a shit ton of my friends are going through divorce.

So that I was like, I'm a child of divorce and I'm traumatized. I was from my parents' divorce. I got, they got divorced when I was like 11 turning 12, which is an awkward age. So I was always worried about that. I was like, I don't want to get married and break up with someone or have a kid and then have to tell him, I have to do what my parents did to me.

my parents were are very uh beautiful and loving but uh how old were you i was like 11 turning 12. super awkward sixth grade yeah it's a weird and my parents didn't communicate well like

They didn't really tell me properly what was going on. My dad was just like, I'm going to live somewhere else for a little bit. And I was like, okay, that's weird. And then I had to put the pieces together. I was like, are you guys getting divorced? And they were like, yeah. And I was like, what? It's hard. Well, we could end on that downer. What else is going on? What am I...

To sum up the book. Give me a 10-hour energy. I had therapy, I started at 60, and I went for five years. I got it a little too late. Really? I've been doing it. So the fact that you're doing it now before these other life choices. I started when I was 25, and right when I started therapy, I was like, I wish I was doing this since I was 10.

I was like, I wish right at the divorce would have been helped probably. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yes. Someone to talk to. My dad was a psychiatrist who never went to therapy. And my dad just passed away like a year ago. But like when I was driving, I was on the phone with him a few hours ago. I was like, dad, I got to go. I'm pulling up to my therapist. And he was like,

Those people just tell you what you want to hear. I was like, aren't you a fucking psychiatrist? Don't you work with therapists? Don't you work in the mental health? He was a strange, he was a strange. That's what people would say to me when I went. My brothers would go, did she fix you? Did she fix you? My mom said the best thing. My mom who needs therapy more than anybody. Who's in the book a lot too with her emails and stuff. She goes, I go, ma, same thing. I go, ma, I gotta go. I'm going to therapy. And she went,

Therapy? Okay, Mr. California. And I was like, she thought it was like a new agey. I was like, no one on earth needs therapy more than you. She's like, no. I tried therapy once when grandma died and the guy was just like, eh, try antidepressants. And I was like, no, I'm not doing that. So I was like, I don't know. I say, mom, I'm going to my astrologist now. She's like, that is bullshit. Yeah.

No, people get, I like when women ask you, when were you born? Yeah. And I go, how old am I? They go, no, just when, what time and where? And I go, uh-oh, that's my red flag. I go, no. And she's like, yeah, let me just check the moons and everything and I'll get back to you. And I go, if it's predicated on that, I'm probably not best. I will say women are quite into...

If you meet, if you have a crush on a gal that is not into astrology, I would marry her. She is a diamond in the rough. The one past that is my psychic told me, I go, oh boy, go back to the astrologist. Yeah, yeah. Astrologist is based on something. But they do say, and I actually believe some psychics work, but I don't know if that's the one they're hitting. You know, just too much of a crapshoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, are you married? No.

Oh, yeah, for 40 years. You've married for 40 years. Yeah. So if you split it- So you guys are like the opposite. Yeah, we both- We're the fucking opposite. We're the opposite. Amortize it. And yet we're very good friends. Amortize. Totally different. Are you going to get married at the end of this year? Soon. Did you see my side gig? No. I'm a little late to the game, but I am trying to struggle through life. So I am aware of my craziness, so-

Is it fixed yet? No. My wife and I, if she'll come in from the store and then I'm going to go to the store, she'll come with me to the store so we can hang out. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Wow. So it's going good. I guess he wins that round. Must be nice. I know. Jesus. I just say, guys, I mean, you know. No, I'm content right now with my life. You have dark. It's like this elliptical thing of the sun goes behind the moon. You have years where you're not. Some years you're not really connecting. Yeah. It's when you don't leave after that and you kind of go, God, we're in a ditch. And then it starts to come around again and you're like,

It's all that good again. So a lot of people pull the ripcord on the first time. I don't even like this person. I'm not attracted to this person. Bloop. Yeah. A hundred million. That's me. The first slump. Yeah, but you're just, ah, is this when the bad times start? You weren't ready. You may never get married, but you weren't ready. You're so career driven. It would have been a very special kind of person. It's good to stay friends with people.

I try to stay friends because sometimes that's even harder to find someone you actually like to hang out with and

You know, if it doesn't work and they stay in your life over time, you start to go, this person is more right than I thought, because you see them mad, sad, the way they handle different things in life. And you go, I can handle that. I can handle that temperament. I can. And you start to go, there's more of a growing attraction over time in a weird way. And some of you just go, we weren't right for each other. And I'm, I, you listen, I did the same thing. Divorced when I was four.

Dad took off, stepdad, and stepdad killed himself. And there's so many weird, crazy things that happened. Is that why you're a comedian? But I think it might be why I'm a comedian. Also just trying to make money and just make ends meet, knowing it wasn't coming from anywhere. There's no like rich friend or rich relative. So we just were sort of scraping. But it's no like, for me, it's just everyone's had a rough time.

rough stories growing up, but I do have to look, you know, you look at it, how it fits into the whole picture and you go, okay, there's some crazy in there that obviously came from certain things. So try to analyze it. And then, um,

you know, watch porn, whatever most people do. Porn is so boring. Film your own porn. Every once in a while, I'll just look at it for a minute. I know, it's bad. And then I'm like, ah. It's bad when you gotta up the stakes. I know. That's when you gotta get out. You gotta go, uh-uh. I'm not going to squirt or I'm not. You're not going to, uh,

I don't click on it. One time my friend was like, dude, I jacked off to anime, like Japanese animation. He goes, I jacked off to anime. We're in high school. We're like 18 years old. Jesus. He goes, I jerked off to anime. And all my friends, we all start making fun of him. We're like, ah, you're a fucking weirdo loser. And then like 24 hours later, we were all like, oh. Anime is doing it for you guys. Isn't that cartoons?

Maybe it was a short-lived. I don't know. I thought you were going to say 20 years later. There's no fetishism. But I love that guys are always like, ew, you jerked off to the weird, obscure thing. And then like an hour later, we're like, maybe we should just check it out.

Check it out. All right, let's go on that one. I like porn jokes. Thank you, Eric. Porn jokes are great. I want to get back in a ditch where we're really depressed. No, we were good. You know what? I'm going to impress you with my wife going to the store with me. Was that kind of a love? No, I like it. It's very sweet. Depressive for you guys. No, no, no. It's interesting. You guys both picked two specific...

I don't even know different, but two very specific paths with love life. Right. With, with me. And here's what I could ask. Everything, right? You just decide you double down for each other. It's after you know, after you, we did a personality test across the kitchen table last year and we both came out helper. So we're just married all the way to the end. I had a really rough childhood. Yeah.

He said it. Yeah. Yeah. My dad was a piece of work. Yeah. Yeah. Let's end the podcast right now. God, we just keep slumping back. Oh, Jesus Christ. I can't talk politics with you. Cause you don't know. No, he was, he was an orphan and he had, he had his issues. Um, narcissism running around. My mom made me her surrogate husband. There were five kids. So I was caring. I,

was responsible for her, like David was for his mom. And there's just a lot of responsibility there. And a lot of cruelty and weirdness. But five kids in the 60s, a lot of independence. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, most comedians have kind of a little bit of an edge to them. I would say. Yeah.

Not normal. Okay, six. Definitely not. Okay, we're not all normal in the brain pan. We've been through the gauntlet a couple times. Anyway, I got hit by a car once. Eric was our guest. This just keeps getting worse. Eric Andre. I don't think this is depressing to talk about human stuff. I think it's good to talk about. I think it's fun to talk about. It's fun to hear we're all crazy in different ways. Because we've seen...

It was stuff you're doing. And by the way, the special, I thought as I was watching it, your last special, you were deconstructing the idea of a standup while you're doing standup. Oh, wow. Thank you. That's what I felt. Cause I was like, oh, he's completely having fun with the whole idea. Here's the funny guy. You know, you dive at your kid, kissing a guy in the audience. Yeah. Yeah. I sweat all over. Um, but I do think it's good to talk about this cause we, they know we're funny. I mean, your specials out, what's the name of your special? Um,

Nothing personal. Oh, okay. Because many times you couldn't remember it. Is it on Peacock? No. I just wanted to plug Peacock one more time. It's on Instagram Live. It's on FluBlo, which is a cross between Tubo and Google. It's on Pluto TV. It's on Alibaba. It's on Babo. Yeah. It's a niche network.

that you can't get with a conventional television. It was a smash. He's putting butts in the seats, let me tell you that, when he's out on the road. It's good to talk to him and learn way more about you. It was a lot of fun to have a normal conversation. If this was normal, I think it was normal. I think it was very normal. It's as normal as America can tell, right? Yes.

Is this on in America? We haven't got that coverage yet. We're actually big in... Who told you that? Iran is our biggest audience. This is being dropped on Ukraine as a gift. That's what I thought. That's what I figured. Biden is our biggest fan. Yeah, it's the best podcast there is to do. All right. Thanks, bud. Thank you. We'll walk out. Okay, sounds good. You know, the late, great Louis C.K. has a joke. He's not dead.

This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks. Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.