Heidi Gardner
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

You guys, Heidi Gardner's on the show and great. She's on the SNL right now. Heidi Gardner, yes. We don't have that many that are on right now, so that's great to talk to her. And I want to tell Dana before we start that I did cheat on us and went and did another podcast just because the man, the myth, Mike Tyson asked me to come over there. Oh, hot boxing. Hot boxing. Love it. By the way, Dana, I swear to God, I didn't get hot boxing was hot boxing where you get stoned.

And I didn't even get anything to do with boxing. Well, I didn't get any of it. I thought it was like hot boxing. Like this is really, really hot boxing. I thought it was just about really being a great fighter. No, we missed all of it. So it's all about marijuana. It's all like you're in a box, slowly dying while he smokes tons of weed. And then he asks you questions. So it's pretty fun.

I am not a prude, but my weed days are sort of behind me, but I talk a big game. But he, it's optional. He gives you, he gives you, they go, Mike, give me your, first of all, he comes in in like dolphin shorts and no shoes. Of course. He's Mike, he's the champ. He's such a fucking stud. Come on.

Come on, he's a champ. The champ is here. He's going to solve inflation. Mr. Champ. Little Biden snuggle. You know what? He came from Biden. He came from Biden. Biden was on Kimmel and he was doing a bit and he goes-

The traffic's gonna be snarled. So he came over, he was a little late, and then they go, and there's, you know, 45 people there. Barefoot with dolphin shorts. Yeah. Literally nothing. Dolphin shorts are the kind they wear to Hooters. These weren't orange, but they were white. Anyway, he has great legs. Don't think I didn't notice. And he comes in. All the power comes from the legs, Greg. And?

And I didn't even tell him how I got not beat up. I did talk about my one fight in sixth grade. But anyway, he has sort of another friend of his from the San Diego Chargers, who's, I think his name is Sebastian. He's a great guy. And they would pepper me with questions. And Mike would sort of tune out a little bit here and there. But he was fucking funny. And he's very cool. And he's very respectful, nice. And it was just fun that he knew me. And he'd go, David, you know, how are you?

I mean, I don't want to be mean to Mike Tyson. Well, I called him afterwards. Yeah, how'd it go? And he was happy about it. I mean, he is the champ. I go, well, what was David like? David was, you know, he was so fast with his jokes. You know, I felt like he was punching me with his jokes. I couldn't understand. Yeah.

What he was basically saying, you know, so I got scared and I was crying behind my eyes. No one could see me because I thought, what the fuck is this guy talking about? This fucking guy who worked with that fat guy, Chris, you know, that guy was so fucking funny and I was so fucking high. But I love that guy. I really do, man, because he can do two jokes faster than most comedians can do one joke. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Sorry to get emotional. I'm Mike Tyson. I got dolphin shorts and no shoes. I slipped into Fauci for a second. I got the COVID. Did how the mask work for you, motherfucker? No, anyway, Tyson has gigantic mitts. And it is interesting. He shook my hand. It was like this.

But David, he's making a little, his hand's like a little. When you're next to someone that if you pissed him off accidentally and Tyson just went, even from a seated position, one right cross, then you're dead. Like, it's weird to talk to the guy. How are you doing? How are you doing? And you know if he just goes, boom. Yeah, people say, would you let him hit you for a million dollars? Not that many people, but some people say that. And I said-

Who needs a million dollars that badly to be in a wheelchair the rest of your life and not know what's happening? If he hit you as hard as he could in the face, it's over. Life's over. Everything's over. My neck would snap so fast. It's like those little skinny pretzels. And so...

When Mike was right there, I said, Mike, a guy that looked a lot like you beat the fuck out of some dude in an airplane. And he goes, yeah, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. I didn't even do it. And then all 85 people laughed. He came to me and Lovitz's show in Vegas at the SLS Hotel. He's so cool. The champ's out there. The fucking champ. And I go, and then John does John's act. Hello, are you gay? I'm gay.

You know, I mean, it goes really downtown. John has a very mature act. So later, hey, is a champ coming back? And the guy, he went home. Yeah, it was just because I couldn't, I had to get home, you know, because I was...

There were so many punchlines. It's like getting punched in the face with so many punchlines. Was he smoking there too? He's not smoking. It's a vape thing. Oh, here's the best part. Get edible. So he's sitting here, right? So I'm there and Sebastian's there. So I'm like, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I just take the reins because...

He'd just go, wrong Missy. And I go, oh, the wrong Missy. Well, what had happened was with that. And you know, I'd be 30 minutes. So, but he had blueberries and he had the munchies. Was that what it was? That's what the funny part was. Oh, he just crunches them. He had blueberries and they're way over here. So the awkward me would go, ah, why aren't they over there? Because he goes like this. Okay, hang on. And then he goes, moves the mic. And then he goes. Don't, David. He gets a big thing of blueberries and he starts talking, but he can't hear him. So someone has to crawl in and go.

back so you can hear him. And then he goes, what do you think of that? And I go, I didn't hear, what do you ask me? And then I just make up an answer. And then he goes, rrrr.

He wants some more blueberries. It's never ending supply. But you notice what he does. I didn't know. I thought they were like peanut and ems or something because he will take them in his hand and then he kind of shakes them. Like peanuts? Yeah, just kind of shaking them in his hand and then he pops them. Yeah. Like in the 70s. You gotta shake them. Get all the blueberry juice out of them. And then it was just this for the next hour.

And I'm like, Mike, you know, you guys should put a, one of you 85 people should put them here before he gets here. I didn't know it's the one I watched. I don't know who the guest was. No, they cut it all out, Dane. I was there live. It was fucking in the moment. Oh, and then so they come in, they jump cut because someone is bringing his mic to the channel. It was so hilarious because there's 85 people and they're like, who's going to do it? And one guy's like this. Like getting the army comes down. Motherfucking dog shit mic.

God damn it. You see me, I just breathe on it and it flips. Oh, it's got some garbage duct tape on it. We have technical issues here. No, we're not at smartness, I'll tell you that. Should we say that Mike Tyson is a very nice guy or are we, because he's the most, in the age of authenticity, he's the ultimate because he just says everything he's feeling. I just want to kill this guy so bad. I want to just...

annihilate him, you know, and all he was doing was giving me an airplane ticket, but I just thought myself gonna kill him. The guy's poking the bear. That's literally on the plane. He keeps fucking with him and then Mike just turns on and beats the shit out of him. I love it. And I said, by the way, Mike, if you do one of these exhibition fights, I don't care which

YouTuber asks you, you beat the fuck out of him. You promised me. And he goes, he, cause he's like, I go, you gotta remind him on who's the fucking boss. And you are. And I love that you're number one and you beat his ass. Okay. Now, Heidi Gardner. That was a David Mike Tyson story. Heidi Gardner. That was sort of the story, but we'll chop that down to 20 minutes. We did the best we could. The flesh, the flesh has never been this high.

Heidi Gardner. Heidi Gardner is a current superstar cast member on Saturday Night Live. A lot of great characters, a lot of fun things to talk about. She was a hair stylist, so I get to ask her- For 10 years. To give me a makeover on what I should do with this garbage beard and this stupid hair.

I want her because my hair is just, you know, it's like a game of risk. There's only so many soldiers and so much territory. Yeah. So I got to fluff and fold and comb it back. But I got some soldiers up front that left over. A lot of troops in the back are receiving. If Heidi Gardner can make sense of my hair.

I will give her $100. Let's guess if she gives us different hairstyles because everyone says we look the same. So they might say, Dana, you do this and then she'll say. I'm Irish, Scottish and Norwegian. What are you?

Why do we look the same? No, we look similar. I mean, hair-wise. I'm German or something? I'm German, Irish, and English. Like the most boring ones, yeah. Hmm. No, okay. So, well, we kind of look the same. Because during the pandemic, and I'm in my 60s, I go, I don't know if I can rock the bangs anymore. You know? Jagger can, but I went back, but you went back early, so that I kind of copied you. I had a picture of you.

Oh, I used to have bangs and then someone said, grow up, you fucking idiot. Well, I always wanted to have a Paul McCartney haircut. My whole life I wanted to have a Beatle haircut. And my dad would shave our heads. Me and my three brothers. We'd be in the kitchen. We just looked like cue balls. My mom would come in and go, Dana, in the side pocket. Anyway. Heidi Gardner. Here she is, guys. True story. Heidi Gardner, an extraordinarily talented comedian on Saturday Night Live. Funny, crazy, neurotic characters. Super commitment. Here she is. Enjoy. Enjoy.

Not only have we been going, but it's almost over. Well, thank you guys so much for this. Look at Heidi. Heidi's got good teeth. Thank you. And good skin. I want to meet your dermatologist because you have very nice skin. Anyway, we started that way with Rob Schneider, too. That's our first question. Okay.

No. That's our first two compliments, no matter what. Gotta drink water. Lots of water. So anyway. Goat's milk. We're narcissists. Magnesium. We like to talk about ourselves. Heidi, so there's no pressure on you because we love everything coming back to us. Anyway. I want to hear about you. How are you? I did a...

Deep dive on Heidi Gardner last night. It was so much fun. Oh, my God. I'll start it, Dana, because you're like kerfuffling. You don't know what you're doing. I'm wandering around. I just have like... Dana, maybe if you notice, Heidi, me, and you all have slightly similar hair. And if she was a hairstylist...

we have to get a makeover. So, Heidi, I did my hair the best I could for this. And I just, you have to give us tips. Well, I will say, I agree. I think we all basically have the same hair style. So, I don't even know that I would give you a tip because I think we all have the nice like

Waterfall going. Yeah. Do you think you have a Bob, a fob, or a lob? I think I have a Bob. Wow. Dana's... I don't know what mine is. Look, I'm from another era. I was born during Eisenhower's first administration.

So to have hair, to push around and be a bully with your head is just lucky. But you have kind of a bob on one side and then a very cool long bang on the other, which is very hip. Waterfall, yeah.

Thank you. Who cuts your hair? Her name's Teddy. T-E-D-D-I. Okay. How can I reach her? Does she do Zoom cuts? She does do Zoom cuts. Heidi, do you get your, when you were in KC, is that where you were from, KC? Yeah. But I don't mean to sound like Wikipedia, but when you're in KC, is that Lawrence? Is that something? Lawrence is a KC.

college town about 45 minutes from Kansas City. I went to college there for two years. Oh, you did? Uh-huh. Did you know that the lovely Kate Spade went there? I do. Did you know that? You can't have that many famous people. You have Sudeikis, right? And Paul Rudd is at all the same school? No. So, okay. Well, Paul Rudd, I do think went to

Well, yeah, Sudeikis went to KU too. We also have Eric Stone Street, but I don't think he went to Kansas or to KU. Yeah. I'm always surprised when comedians have any sort of education.

Well, I dropped out, so. Yes, yes. That is a comedian right there. I have about eight credits in anthropology from Arizona State, and I might pick up the other 160 this summer and finish it up. I got a degree from San Francisco State.

Is that a bad one? But it's a shitbox, horrible school. This is years ago. And it was a joke. It was an absolute joke. I spent two years learning how to, because it was broadcast and communications, how to like queue up a vinyl LP. And then CDs came in. So I was fucked. But I got it in the mail months later. What a waste. My mom threw it out by accident. Listen, Heidi, what I'm here to say is, so you...

um, you drop out of college. Let's go a little linear for a sec. And then you, so then you go to LA and when you went to LA, you didn't think you were going to be a sketch player on SNL or, well, you were voted most likely to be. So your friends, that's the craziest thing in high school tagged you for being funny, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so how were you funny in high school? Were there seeds of what you're doing now on SNL? They're,

because it seems like you're very astute at playing young, clueless, neurotic women. And it's new. It's a genre, but the way you're doing it, because I was watching you last night, is at a whole other new level. It's really actually kind of brilliant, but I don't mind gushing because I just do and people hate me for it. So just take us back to your senior in high school. Do you have secret dreams of what happened to you?

I don't think that I did. I will say that growing up in Missouri, it just didn't, not that Kansas City is that small, but there just, to me at least, was not a path to this at all. The only path I had was being, I mean, I was absolutely obsessed with movies, TV, pop culture, music, SNL, comedy, everything. But I just thought I was always going to be

the person who knew everything about that and could quote every movie and like, and come close to the voices maybe. But there's no chance, I was sort of like her where there's no chance you're thinking you're doing that. It's just too big. It's too above, right? Too above. Just it was enough for me to be obsessed with it. And the closest I probably came to it, which is maybe why

I got voted that was like if I was at I mean this is more kind of like middle school but if I was at a sleepover like I was the one who was picked to do all the prank calls like I would do one and then I would be like okay Christine like your turn and they're like no you have to do it again like I would you do voices and stuff you change your voice and be somebody else right yes I mean like

Pretty intense ones. There are some that like I go back to that are very fun. Some that make me really cringe that are kind of harassing, you know, but I used to. Back then it was fine. Like calling up a restaurant or something or, you know, stuff like that and ordering crazy food or. Well, I used to do this one where, so there was this local radio station, Mix 93.3.

And the DJ at like the drive home at five was Dennis Pryor. And he was like the coolest guy ever at that age. And so I would do this thing where I would call people and I'd be like, hey, this is Dennis Pryor from Bigfoot.

93.3 doing random phone calls and people would immediately be like, Oh my God. I mean, I would say doing random phone calls and they're like, Oh my God, I love next 93.3. And I'm like, you've got a chance to win tickets to this weekend's chiefs game. If you can get this trivia question, correct.

Chiefs, local thing, Chiefs. So wait a minute. So you're doing the voice of Dennis. They're like, I thought Dennis was a girl. And you're like, that's what every, or a guy. I thought it was a guy. Is it Denise Pryor or was it a guy? And you were lowering your voice, pretending to sound like a guy. I was lowering my voice. And then I was asking really basic questions like, you know, who starred opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic? And they'd be like, Kate Winslet. Yeah.

Stupid. And then I would say, come on down to the station and pick up. Oh my, no, no. Oh,

So then it turns out my mom, who is a travel agent, actually did Dennis Pryor's travel. And so he comes in to book his Cancun trip. And she's like, how are things down at the station? It was like, they're great. But some idiot keeps calling. Oh, my God. And telling them they won free ticket tickets.

And so we've got people coming down to the station. We don't have the tickets. And she the whole time knew that's my daughter. How can I ask you for I want to ask you two things real quick. But how is the dynamic between your parents and yourself? Did you have a cheerleader in one of them like Heidi, you can be and do anything you want? Or were they more pragmatic or all of the above or what?

They were definitely like my parents are, I described them as like the coolest, like 80s, early 90s people. Like they had the look. And I think they divorced when I was like five and a half, but I can only imagine that like when they were together, they were like fire for good or bad. They were always very,

It's weird. I wish I maybe had a, if I was to complain, I wish I had more structure. Like when I was like, I'm going to drop out of school. You know, I wish that someone might've been like, Hey, maybe you shouldn't. They were just kind of like, honey, do your thing. You know? And they didn't even know what my thing was. I didn't know what my thing was. I'm a nibbler Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. Um,

And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Salt, sea salt, vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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People have told us that, like as you're saying, your love of movies, television, all that, you know, as an escape or whatever. We all have the same love. And I usually ask people at the end, but what in your earliest memories, like five, six, seven, eight, what was the first things you started to see or age 10, which kind of rocked your boat? Like, OK, this is the greatest thing in the world. Musically, film, TV. Well, definitely. I very much remember, especially it was through my parents. I'm showing me Final Tap at five.

Probably like five or six years old. Sophisticated movie. Wow, and you liked it. That's some good comedy. And who do you think played the mime waiter team at the end? Me and Billy Crystal. Oh, you knew that? Oh my God. Did you know that? Of course.

Fuck, I didn't know that. I didn't know. Yeah. Mime is money. Yeah, I was so thrilled to be in that. You said mime is money? Mime is money, and I was doing little mime things. So your parents, yeah, they're probably around my age and stuff, so they would have loved that movie and really got it. And so you got it at age six? I got it. So you're a sophisticated kid. To the point where I remember I had, after actually they got divorced, my dad started dating this very cool hairdresser.

And they were going on a date and her roommate, like I got dropped off at her place and her roommate was babysitting me. And she was probably like in her early 30s. And she was like, what do you want to do tonight? And I was like, I was six years old. And I was like, can we watch Spinal Tap? And she was like, what the fuck?

Who is this kid? Shit. I don't think I could get my head around how dry and funny that movie was till later. Cause I saw life of Brian when I was later, like 17 and I could look back and wouldn't get most of the jokes, but yeah,

I wasn't that, I think you were ahead of me in that respect because I liked the ones that I was supposed to like, you know, we had different, you know, different years of that pockets, but animal house and, you know, blues brothers and trading places and $40. That I was like, these are hilarious. R rated guy comedies. And then, uh, meatballs, Bill Murray, all this shit. Then I get older.

and I get jokes I never got. That's the weirdest thing. Well, can I ask both of you a question since you're younger than me? Like, did you get the idea of the dryness of Christopher Guest with his amp and the setting was to 11 rather than 10? And he said, it's one higher. So 11, don't look at it. Don't point at it. It's one higher. I mean, that was really sophisticated, dry Christopher Guest style comedy. So you got it or you just knew it was funny? I got it.

I don't know if it, maybe it was because my parents were laughing. I, that's one where I can remember my brain getting that on the other hand. Like only a couple of years ago, did I figure out why the, like, um, my hands between two pillows and planes, trains and automobiles. Oh, Oh,

But I used to always laugh when I was a kid. So funny that you would say that. That is so random and so specific. I love that. Hand between two pillows. John Candy spooning Steve Martin as the lovable...

that latches onto. Check it out, people, if you haven't seen it. That's one of the greatest. Just charming, charm, charm. So as far as television shows or music, were there other things that were rocking your world at that time? Yes, let's see. Well, I mean, I will say SNL. And Dana, I do have to thank you because...

I specifically remember the first time I ever made my parents laugh was doing an impression of you doing Robin Leach. Oh, really? I don't know why. I don't know why. I love it. I'm yelling and I don't know why. It's so great. That's so cute. I love it. I don't know why. And I remember them like requesting it from me, you know, like, Heidi, do the Dana Carvey, Dana, or Robin Leach. Oh, that's funny. Yeah.

God, that's so funny. Well, that is just a musical rhythm. There's no joke there, but he did talk awfully loud. I'm yelling and I don't know why. I guess it's just funny that someone can't stop yelling. And it's, yeah, because I think people didn't realize Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous is such a ridiculous show. And then...

And he was kind of loud and I didn't realize it until you did it. And he's like, well, a gold-plated skateboard once given to him by the Duke of Wales. Yeah. Yeah.

But these slossy people have a yacht 400 meters long. Hey, guys, the three of us will produce it. That show should be on the air. Who can we get to host it? John Lovitz will host it for us. I'll talk to him. A diamond-covered helmet guy.

given to him by prince gagooga googa googa maybe she can find something to wear with her 642 pairs of shoes yeah he kind of would dive down on the bottom by the prince of morocco i'm gonna bring that back heidi and because of heidi i'm bringing that back in my stand up it's so funny you know it's funny heidi i just i was watching you do uh kristin shaw and it was a lion king thing you know you're just jumping around youtube and looking at stuff and

Kristen Schaal, who you do funny and it was in the Lion King. But the funnier thing to me is it's one of those SNL devices where they go,

everybody get your impressions because we're going to do a screen test. And it's such a, it's a great one. You do a screen test and you just jump around. Like I would go, I can say one thing as Dennis Leary or one thing as whoever, and they go good, throw it in there because we're jumping around. You say it, get a laugh, move, and you don't have to hold up a whole sketch with it. Yeah. It's so easy. Unfortunately, like I,

I think that's the only one I've really ever been able to do or even sustain for two sentences. Oh, you could do that one longer. Yeah, that's about it. Well, that one was just a jump around one that I thought was kind of funny because if one doesn't work, the next one's funny. You just throw everything against the wall. Yeah. And you wish, you know, when you're on the show, you're like shooting them that week or some of those they shoot over a week or two.

And then when the host is there, you throw him in or he or her, and then you cut it together and you just almost wish you had more time because you're only running it for dress. That's the only test audience. And you almost want to go, fuck, put that one at the end. Let's see if that's the closer. And then you run on air and something bombs and you go, fuck, if we just played it one more time, I would have, my gut was telling me, pull those two out. Yeah. You know?

So, yeah, it's kind of safe in a way because you're just in a train of people doing it. I think people would want to hear just like you go to L.A.,

And then you're, you just become a hairdresser. Did you think at a given point, like, okay, this is my career path or did you still always have it in the back of your mind performing? So you're in LA and you did it for years. Just talk to that. I mean, everyone has an interesting way they reach Lauren Michaels desk. So we kind of want to unpack yours because everyone has a different trip and yours that stands out initially is 10 years of being a hairdresser through your twenties, I guess. Yeah. So I,

I was totally happy. I was assisting my now really good friend Deanna at her salon. And I thought that was really exciting. I moved to LA at like the height of hair extensions and Paris Hilton. So like me at home. That's fun though.

Me at home with like bulk hair, making hair extensions. I kind of thought that was like the hype. Well, it is artistic. It's an artistic form of expression. Did you ever do celebrities? Did you do celebrities or see them anywhere around your salon? I mean, being in Hollywood? Yeah. Yeah.

I was in Studio City, so I remember one of the first celebrities I ever saw was Jason Bateman walking as French Bulldog. That's good. That was a cool one. That's a good one. Wendy, Wendy, hear me out. That's Jason Bateman in Ozarks. Wendy, hear me out. That's all I got. So anyway, you saw Jason Bateman. You almost fainted. Were we on Riverside in Cahuenga? I was right across from Remember the Good Earth.

It was Ventura. It was between Laurel and Cole Bonner on Ventura.

Oh, that's a good little chunk right there. Yeah. Deluxe salon. Jerry's Deli. And was it a situation comedy in a way at times? Just salons or just socially dynamic, bizarre places? It was incredible because it was just me and Deanna. And she was a busy hairdresser. And then just this rotating door of clients. Some that I still keep in touch with that I love. Some walk-ins that were insane. I mean...

I have a really fun relationship with her because I can just, we can just say the name of a person and so many memories go back. You still do walk-ins? Yeah, of course. Like if someone comes into your kitchen right now?

I did just cut my friend's hair. She wanted bangs and I said, absolutely not. I won't. You won't be a part of that. No, but I'll give you layers. Do you feel like you just have it? Like as far as like, say the show business thing didn't work out, which it is working out. Could you just go back and pick it up and just be a star? You know, I was, I was asking, um,

Deanna, the last time I saw her, I was like, what if when I'm in town, I just come in and assist you on a Saturday and we just see if I still have it. Like even just to put on some hair colors. Still got game. Hair color's hard probably though. Yeah. You know, highlights are, but like a one process color, uh,

I just want to see if I can still, I can do that. People would let you because you're a celeb. So they'd let you do it, ruin you. You know, they don't care. Remember, I let Sean Penn give me a tattoo. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing. I was in a movie with Sean Penn. It was a World War II movie. Nicolas Cage was in it as well. And then they brought me in and then I get a kind of a buzz cut. I'm playing a soldier.

And Sean just, he is a soldier too, but he had the coolest buzz cut. It was like five times as long and just flowing over, you know. But anyway, that was that. So, Heidi, I don't have anything else here. You've been so good. I'm sorry.

Well, I was just doing every hair stuff I can. I'm running out of hair stick. But did you, so this, okay, so you're doing this. I'm just legitimately curious, like, and then you start, do you go to Groundlings or UCB or what's that leap in LA that suddenly you're trying to perform? Yeah.

So I make friends with my friend Rachel, who happened to be a groundling at the time. And I'd always heard of groundlings, but I'd never gone to a show there, which I was surprised. And she was like, well, come see me in the improv show tonight. It was a Thursday night. I went and saw Cooking with Gas at the groundlings. And I was like, oh, my God, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

My first thought was not that I could do it. My first thought was like, oh, this will be so perfect when like friends or family come to visit LA. Like I have a comedian. Funny. Yeah. That's cute. Well, to share it is fun. It's like you see a comedian. When I first time I saw even Sebastian a couple years ago, a comedian, I was like, oh shit, I got to bring my buddy. He's got to check him out. That's always the fun of like, who's funny? You like to laugh together. Yeah. But then how do you make the...

Jump. Does someone say you should try that? So then she said, you should try that. And I was like, oh my God, no. Like, I'm not an actor. And she was like, I know that you're not an actor, but you leave me like seven minute voicemails in character. Okay. So you're an actor. Yeah. That's just all this is, Heidi. And so...

Well, that's improv-ing and riffing. That's hard to do. I just never knew what it was, what I was doing. And then I told my brother, I was like, oh, you know, my new friend said...

that I should take an improv class. And he was like, Heidi, I've been waiting for you to say this our entire lives as my older brother. I will pay for your class. Wow, that's so sweet. Oh, so he was more objective. He could see you being funny and you're not seeing yourself in the kitchen at age 12 or whatever, but your brother could. Yeah. And so he harbored that thought for you. Yes. Interesting. Yeah. So, okay. Then the only thing, one thing that always intrigues me because...

Because I think David and I come from a similar school. We weren't like ready, rock, you know, fully loaded or confident. When was the moment or the time period where you join up and then you start to kind of notice, wow, I'm where I belong or I'm pretty good at this? You know, it starts to become real.

Um, and do you remember a specific moment like that? Or just generally you, you kept going up the food chain, right? Cause you go to the next class, the next, you want to get to the main stage. So what was that journey like for you? Well, it was really cool because I didn't even understand how the groundlings, uh,

I didn't even think it was really attainable. So I was just, I was going up the food chain, but, and it sounds corny, but it was just this like kind of following my bliss. Like, Oh, this is really fun. This is a neat outlet. Interesting. Yeah. I'm funny. And I, I'm, I'm,

I'm learning how to be less shy, you know, and I just felt like my life opening up a little bit more. Yeah. And I remember there was a guy in a class of me that he was like, oh, are you going to go see the Sunday show this week? And the Sunday company is like all the people trying to get into the groundlings.

And I was like, what, what's that? And he was like, Oh, that's like what we're all trying to do. What, why are you, why are you here? To someone with that much talent being that, what do you mean? You know? Okay, go ahead. Funny. And there was this,

other show at the time they still do it every so often at the groundlings but it's called the black version and it's all black improvisers and comedians improvising the black version of like your favorite movies and that show I would go every single Monday to see that show and this was like Jordan Peele was doing it Gary Anthony Williams Keegan Michael Key and

funniest show oh yeah i could imagine and so when he asked me like what are you doing here i was like well i like to see the black version and he was like you can't be in that show i know i know i just that's what i like so i just like to watch yeah so that was really cool now to find myself in such a like

sometimes heady or competitive arena. I like to think back to that time where I didn't, I didn't know anything and it was just fun. And you could be happy with where you're at. And then in never in a million years, you thought you'd be an SNL and then you're light in some show and you're depressed and you're like, what am I doing? I'm crazy because I,

I can't believe I'm here. It just happens to all of us. That exact same feeling happens to everybody, I think. Yeah. That's good. Did you develop then at some point what the word would be, ambition, or a sense of

like maybe I can do this and maybe I can make a living at this and then comes some sort of drive that you have to find in yourself because normally there's a lot of failure and a lot of humiliation. So you're in groundlings, it's going well, you're not even thinking future tripping, you're just thinking this is making me less shy, super confident, which I think it does.

And then what happened? So then, I mean, it's probably bad that he introduced what Sunday Company was to me. And he was like, yeah, it's like a mini SNL. You get to perform every Sunday, write sketches, try sketches out, do characters, buy your own wigs and costumes. And so I was like, oh, that sounds very fun.

And so I got into Sunday Company and I was obsessed and I was like the overachiever, you know, like Wednesdays or pitch night. And a lot of people would bring like three or four sketches because it's like, you know, at most you're going to get a Sunday show. And I would write like nine things because also I wasn't confident. I was like, eight of these are probably shit. Like I need nine, you know, so my odds of getting one thing in.

So I was just writing and developing characters all the time. But it helps you write. That's hard to do. That's like a skill you're just suddenly...

deciding if you have, because you're just doing going, I guess I'm writing right now. Is this what writing is? Cause you're just saying, Oh, I'll just scribble some shit down. And suddenly you're right. I know I'm a writer. It always sounds so highfalutin. I'm a writer, man. I'm writing stuff. If you're not used to it, it sounds so grand, grandiose. So then you started, uh, landing things, I guess, and getting people interested in your classmate's,

Heidi, that was really funny. I mean, you're getting feedback. What did that feel like? I mean, the audience is starting to laugh. What happens? I mean, to you inside, it's heady stuff, right? Yeah, it just felt... It was so much fun and it was so...

freeing, I guess. I think I'm someone who probably kept a lot of... I had such gregarious emotional parents that I think I kept a lot of things close to the chest that...

And I'm a Leo, and I never felt like I was a Leo. But when I started performing at Groundlings, I felt like a Leo. I was like, oh, this is the lion. Okay. Right. A leader or leader of the pack, I guess, right? It is cool. It sort of fuels you to get a few laughs, and then it buys you enough to go in again the next week, and it just keeps...

you know, momentum going. If you were bombing every time, it would be different. You'd be like, shit, this isn't for me. But the scary thing, even for me in standup was when do you get rid of the job and try to realize the pressure's on when you say, I just want to do this now. And then you're like, well, how do I make money at this? I love it. And you know, it's hard to quit a job because that's the real world. You know, most people aren't going to make showbiz.

Yeah, I mean, I fully, I stayed doing hair a little too long. And it was actually my friend Deanna, who I worked with, who like sat me down, took me to lunch one day and was like, why are you still here? Like, where you belong. And it was funny when I, when I quit, I hadn't told my clients that I

I had this other thing I was doing because I never wanted them to think I wasn't focused on their... Sure. Oh, really? That's so sweet. Like you're apologizing for... Are you in the main company? Are you having agents coming and see you at this point when you quit the salon? Was there a foothold? Are you reading for things or just... I wasn't in the main company yet. I was just in Sunday company. And I think at most I'd gotten a manager, but I knew...

I knew I would come into work and I would see like a busy day and I would be annoyed because I was like, oh, I've got like sketches to write. I have to buy a wig. And like, and I knew that was bad because like, you know, we've all talked about our great hair. It's important to people. We've all talked about it. I get it. Yeah, I get that. I have a question about groundlings, Heidi. When you are there, is it, do they look...

down on if you bring a celeb impression or do they like real characters out of the blue? Is it looked up upon if you come up with sort of a weird, different character no one's done? I think it's mostly all just real grounded characters. I never felt like... They don't do impressions? Not as much. Not really. I was with people that could do impressions, but in shows I never feel...

I never felt like any impressions were in the sketch. I didn't know that. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. And so when you were developing. It looks cheap to them probably. Maybe. I don't know.

It seems like you do have... So it is secret? That means yes. Well, it is sort of. I mean, you come in there and you go, hey, I can play, I can do Christopher Walken, and everyone's like, yawn. Well, I always tell people, if you do an impression of your friend...

uh, then it's your character. If the friend's not famous, you know, or you, you take it and exaggerate it and stuff. But I'm interested. I mean, the connectivity to that, cause your characters are, it would seem to me that the young audience, uh, female audience would love the character study you're doing with, I mean, I'm sorry, but Bailey and,

Gizmert and the cocaine white. I mean, there's a sensibility to what you're doing. And are you noticing that people love what you're doing on Saturday Night Live? I mean... Do people love you? Do they love you? And did you notice when you were doing Groundlings that all this Heidi Gardner sensibility started to emerge of the way you're doing characters? Because it seems very fresh.

I don't have better words than that. I don't think I was, I knew people were liking it, but you know, probably at this point to my detriment, I'm a bit modest and I don't think too much about, I probably am a little more hard on myself than, um,

Makes sense. I was always the same. I always thought I'd get fired. And David too. I totally get that. Yeah. They kept telling me that was the difference. When I was watching your... At the summer break, I would have to drag my fucking apartment and get rid of it in like what, you know, May. And then I don't know if we're bringing him back. I don't know what we're doing with him. I don't know if he really wants it. And then

And then August, they'd bring me back. I'd have to go back and rent an apartment and drag. Drive a U-Haul. It wasn't Uber, Heidi. I would have, I wasn't some cute girl. I would drag a dirty mattress with pee all over it up the stairs and then all

All I needed was a desk, a pee mattress, and then a fork and a bowl and a knife. That's it. But what's the bad part of that story? I don't know. Lauren always asks me, should David come back? Dana, did I scare you enough? Can we get rid of it? Lauren would ask me, should David come back? What do you think? Do you think there's anything there? Anything there? I don't know.

I'd be eating a sandwich I'll get back to you No I'm kidding No Laura would not ask me I was brought in to get Dana going off his ass Even though he was in 20 sketches That's what I heard David was brought in He sat behind me You heard this on the streets? Yes It's all over the streets I literally started smoking a cigar So I could fuck with those guys Come on Spade What do you got for me? Did that make it to the Ventura channel? Give me a fucking character Between Laura and David

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Find it on auto trader. See it. Find it. Auto trader. Heidi, I actually, I don't do this very often, but last night when I was watching your stuff, I just wrote down words. I've done this with any other guests and I don't even know exactly why, but I wrote down Carol Burnett. It was something about the tone of your voice. I wrote down playful commitment, emotional commitment,

As far as the characters, vulnerable, clueless, competitive, passive-aggressive.

Anyway, I'll be back in 10 minutes. We're going to take a short break. Listen, I wrote down sell Bitcoin and something else. That's what I tried to get you coming through. No, I'm sure you could speak to that. Part of your charm is that you don't wear what's these last few years on SNL on your sleeve. It's hard to own it, right? I mean, you're humble about it, which is very charming. But when you're out there doing these characters, you're just...

You're ferocious in your commitment. I mean, it's not soft, right? It's like, whoa, she is going for it. I think you know everything matters there and everything's an audition and you need to score when they turn the camera on. You go, I got to score because that's it. I got to think about this for the next week.

Or longer. Like, did it work? Did it not work? Everyone's judging it quietly. The one with Mickey Day, Nico Slop and then Brie Picardy. That is so fucking funny. I mean, don't you love doing that character? It's like, she's insane. Where did she come from? I just, I think in Groundlings, I had done, I had done a sketch where it was me and my friend Ryan Gall, where we,

we started a scene with friends where like, uh, he, I think like finished my wine or something. And then I'm obviously upset. And he's asks me like, is anything wrong? And I'm like, no, I'm fine. You know? And just that like little, like, um, I,

I just know how to play that because I've done it in my own life and I brought it to Mikey and I was like, I want to play a couple like this. And he was like, I've definitely been that guy in a relationship. And let's just explore the worst parts of the people that we've been in relationships, the most passive and, um, yeah.

And so those things feel really easy and they come from places either where, yes, I myself was being passive or I myself was being a closed off, like awkward kid or not letting my emotions out. And so I do feel like when I get to

actually do it, it's, it's really freeing. Cause I'm just being like, yeah, it's in there. Like some parts are me, some parts are, I see other people, but I get to let them out. It's cathartic. I assume. Yeah. What year are you? This might, well, I'll be going into my sixth year. Oh, it goes by fast. People say they're long. Like I was out. Six is my last one.

Farley and Sandler were five. Dana was six, I think. Did you go six or seven? Seven. But the people that just left the show, I heard, was eight to ten years. Yeah. So it hasn't felt, I mean, it's weird to say six years because I do feel slightly. You feel like you have a year of sketches in six years? Yes. That's what I felt like.

We haven't had like a shakeup. Like there hasn't been a dynamic shift, you know? So the seniors have always been the seniors and yeah. Yeah.

So it's kind of, it's emancipating for you and Melissa or other women on the show. Who's your class? Yeah. Who else? Who's on your class? Like your era came in around your time. Like Mikey, Melissa, Ego, Chris, we're all kind of like in the same. You know, we just talked to Mulaney and he was saying very nice things about you. Me? Yeah.

Yeah, he was. We tried to cut him off. You know, we felt, okay, that's enough. And then he kept going. He did say nice things about you. But do you feel acclimated to that situation? Do you feel comfortable around Lorne Michaels, who's...

It always was an intimidating figure without even trying. When you get off the show, you'll see how vulnerable he is and stuff underneath that sort of exterior. But how are you doing in terms of your relationship with the show, actually? Dana, by the way, what if Lauren walked in like Donald Sutherland in Animal House right now? Just came in to get a coat and walked back out. What, he would be in Heidi's Kitchen or something like that?

Yeah. Just dropping by. It's that thing of like, you know, it's that sixth season and things are going to open up for you.

Whatever that means. Go ahead. Go ahead, Heidi. I'm sorry. Continue, Heidi. We'd like to interrupt. I forgot. I forgot the question because I was just thinking about what if I was in a relationship with Lauren. I know. That would be crazy. Comes in in shorts. Are we still playing tennis? Are you done? Heidi, it's a winter-spring sort of relationship. It'll be quiet.

No one will know what we're doing. And like, it'll be like really a lot of fun. We're meeting Jack Nicholson for spaghetti tonight. Remember? Yes. And both Paul's are coming. So you're, are you feeling comfortable? I mean, you're six years in on the soundstage with the sketches, with the whole system. Cause it, it took me, I think at least four, at least 80 shows to start to feel consistently more playful and relaxed.

Yes, I always think I could probably be more playful and relaxed. I feel like my nervous system, though, does feel a lot better. There was some point in this season where I think I had just been like holding on to it very tight and I just let go. Wow. SNL and just like an open, open palm. And that has felt great.

A lot better. Well, I find that what happens is that there's a cast member and then you're on the show and it depends how much you're in it. And if there's 20 cast members, it takes a while. And then when you start to, the audience discovers you and you can feel a sense of like, here comes Heidi, you know, and they're happy with reoccurring things. And that feeds the confidence that,

And then you get more confident and then get better. And it kind of feeds on itself. I mean, I can see that's the fun of SNL. That's the reality show of SNL. Someone's never been on TV. And then we're watching them get more confident audience catches them. And then suddenly they're flying, you know, like takes off.

So you're feeling a little bit this last season, a sense of emancipation from the fear of it. You're acclimating and maybe you'd be more take more chances. You think you're already hitting it out of the ballpark, but you feel like you lots. There's a lot. Let me tell. Do it as Donald Trump. Excuse me. Many people are saying she's got a lot left of the take. Let me tell you that. Yeah.

Just kidding. I'm not kidding you. You're going to be happy. Everybody's going to see it. But anyway, sorry. Well, next year, Heidi, next year, there's a little wiggle room with some people leaving, which doesn't mean that Pete leaving helps you or, you know, nothing really helps you. It's just, and there's so many anyway, so it's hard to really clear the runway, but...

maybe there's a little bit or maybe they'll bring more people in. It's just, it's just, it never relaxes really though. Yeah. And I think for me, I'm just like accepting that and is as hard as it can be to have such a big cast, because I do feel like it is kind of a rotating sometimes carousel of sadness of like, if you're having a good week, your friend probably isn't. And so, but I will say that I think that,

it made me realize even more, like I have no, I have no control here. Absolutely none. As much as I want to try, like I have no control here. I didn't even before. It's like such a machine, especially with such a big cast. And so for me, it's just, that's really helped me just to be like, sometimes I get to do my thing. Sometimes I have one line in the show and it's,

If I really just have one line, I'm going to do my best to do what I think is funny with that one line or make my, like, classmates laugh. And even, like, I want to feel emancipated with the audience. And I do feel free. But I also, seeking that validation, even though obviously you need it, you need the laughs, is probably not good for just, like,

kid that I am so it's like I'm just trying to be okay with myself and and that's what's making me feel have you had therapy because you seem very very centered if you've been to therapy or you just figured this out we don't really know though we only can control what we control that that's like yeah that's a lot of wisdom and that for someone to me you're a child

Yeah. Well, there was a certain point this year where my therapist was like, because I am in therapy, but he was like, hey, we haven't talked about SNL in like weeks. And he was like, do you want to? And I was like, no, I'm good.

And he'll kind of like check in and I, yeah, I just, I haven't much. And I certainly would if like something was paining me or like on, on my mind that I wasn't able to like process on my own. Well, I think you got to the point where it's hard to get to where you just realize it's all out of your control. And, you know, if you have two lines, so,

sometimes there's pride in being a good cast mate and saying, put me two lines in your thing. I got two. I'm going to do them. Great. You want them big? Do you want them subtle? What do you want? I'm servicing this sketch. And when the whole sketch works, you go, I was a part of it. And then you write somebody in something. I would feel bad if I wrote Mike Myers, two lines, or I wrote Dana, they're too big a star to do that, but they come in and they come in and do it and say, how do you want me to do it? What do you want to do here?

And they have a smile and you go, that's what I love. You just go, okay, we're all doing this. You're helping mine out. I'll help yours out. Whole show will be better.

And if you can do that and it sounds so easy, it's kind of hard though. Yeah. Everyone should be in therapy when they do that show. I think at least check in. Lauren should have a little kiosk with him. It's your time now. He's going to see you. Yeah. Like at the airport, they have that sit down massage, the room. You should just go in there in between. I should probably do that.

- You'll probably be paid for by the show. - Should be. - Like there should be some of your content. - 100%. - Yes. - It's an emotionally violent career, you know, show business basically. - Yeah. - Except maybe Tom Hanks or whatever, you know? But for the rest of us, you know, it is this up and down, you get your feelings hurt, you have highs and lows, and you do have to make peace with that and go, but I'm in show business and it should be fun and it should be exciting.

I just wanted to say also, being in Adam's film, and I saw you in there, you were perfect and great. And so that's kind of cool. I mean, that's that whole other lane that Saturday Night Live may open up for you. I think, you know, you can do that too. So you have other frontiers to conquer as well. But how was that working with Sandler? Was he kind of a dick?

I like that question. What level of Dick was he? He's got to, uh, now, how does he, does he find you? Like he says, I've seen in the show has someone call you and say, do you want to do this? Or does he meet with you? Or does he, are you auditioned?

Well, it was kind of cool because my first few seasons on the show, one of the writers there, Dan Bulla, who's worked with Sandler and friends with him, on Sundays, Dan would text me and he'd be like, hey, like Sandler really liked the sketch piece.

you did last night and, you know, would always tell me when I'm like something and that felt so good. And then my fourth season towards the end of the season, I did a sketch where I played Michael Jordan security guard from like the last dance documentary. And, um,

That night, that same night, I got a text from Adam directly, like being like, that blew me away. Like, very. And I was like, whoa, like, this wasn't through the friend. This was like, Adam. And then I think he knew, like, I was into sports and my name just started getting passed around to play cat and hustle. Yeah.

And then, yeah, he called me last summer to tell me it was happening. And I'm a huge sports fan. All sports or what kind of sports? Just sports? I mean, definitely NBA and NFL. I like baseball and I like the Olympics. Do you like... Oh, I love track and field. That's my... But I love the NBA. And I love the Golden State Warriors. I grew up in the Bay Area. Okay, good luck tonight.

Thank you. I don't know if they'll already be champions when this is aired. Thank you to the team. So yeah, Sandler is like that. He's very sweet and nice about just reaching directly to people. Yeah. Yeah. That movie is great. I mean, it's just... I knew it when I saw it. Now it's got a lot of tomatoes. A lot of tomatoes. But when I saw it, it was great. So I think that...

just spending this time with you. Yeah. I just think, um, your attitude is perfect and you're just going to just work. You're just going to do a lot of stuff and you're going to do a lot more SNL stuff. And I do think Lauren should, you know, few cast members leave and then just, you got plenty of cast members. Right.

You don't have to rush out. How many? 15. Shouldn't we go to, I know Lauren may not. There is a lot of talent out there, but you don't really want to corral them in right away. When there's a little break like this, you're like, all right, let's just lock the door for one second. Yeah. Yeah. Just, you know, I love everyone that's on the show and you know what you were saying, David, about, you know, like putting your friend in, even if it's a couple of lines, but they do you the solid and you do them the solid. Like,

I love being obsessed with sports. I love the idea that we are a team. Like that feels cool to me on the weeks that I'm light. Like, I'm like, okay, well what can I do to support the team? Like, listen, I always like, if she's got a weekend update and you know, I'm like, come to my room, let's rehearse it. Let's,

It feels good. Punch it up. Yeah. Yeah. And so I want to create that bond even more with the people we have. Not that I'm welcome, not welcoming, but it's like, Oh, I like my team. I don't know if it's corny. I don't know if it's corny now, but it was just accidental for me. But when you do a talk show host at home base, um,

So you're a funny talk show host, whatever it is. And then cast members come on as guests and perhaps the host, and they're reoccurring too. I know that Lauren likes that. And it is nice to get everyone playing. And I was able to have Phil Hartman and Jan Hooks on church chat. I mean, it's like the dream team of scoring and then have a host on there. So-

I'm going to write something up for you. David and I are not. Please write me a talk show. I know that that is the thing that.

I should do. And, you know, I think of it like every four weeks, like, Oh, I should write a talk show. And then I have some other, um, it's kind of like you would know better. It's your, it's your, it's your age group. It's like, what is zeitgeisty now? Uh, and it's a moving target all the time. Uh, of what, what is, what is the clueless talk show host now? Or what's the style of it? I wouldn't know, but I would see other characters you've done an update and others. Yeah. I think you're,

You're the person to come up with that. No pressure, but... That's my goal next season. Well, you can also pluck your character. You could do your movie review girl and you could always sort of move them around and do something, but it's just hard because then you got to write for everyone else and that's tricky too. Yeah. I don't know if this would help Heidi, but I'm pretty good at catchphrases. So maybe the character would go, Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, ho!

That would just be the sign off. I don't know. I'm just, I'm spitballing. I'm just playing myself. People really enjoy. You're yelling your own name. Yeah. Okay. When you're hiring for your small business, you want to find quality professionals that are right for the role. Obviously. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn jobs. Everyone knows LinkedIn, but LinkedIn jobs has the tools to help find the right professionals for your team faster and for free. That's right. You need good people, Dana.

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You're looking in the wrong place. Well, because they get what they want from LinkedIn. So why look around? On LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. That's one day according to my calculations. That's right. And LinkedIn knows that small businesses are wearing so many hats that might not have the time and or resources to hire. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. They're constantly finding ways to make the process easier even though it's easy already. Yeah.

They launched a feature that helps you write job descriptions, make it even easier if you want to post something, you know. That's right. Quicker. 2.5 million small businesses use LinkedIn for hiring. Listen, post your job for free at LinkedIn.com slash candidates. That's LinkedIn.com slash candidates to post your job for free. As always, terms and conditions apply.

You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Yeah.

Just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with. Get Who Gets You on eHarmony. Sign up today. You're super likable, I'll just say. I'll just say it. I'm going out on a limb. And where are you right now? Before we let you go, you are in New York? Are you in KC or where do you go? I'm in New York, in Dumbo.

Dana that's a city Dumbo New York What Yeah Dumbo Brooklyn or something Oh Dumbo Brooklyn okay Near Park Slope You don't know anything David has a mansion That's all I'm going to say David has an elevator In his house

That's common knowledge, isn't it, David? I'm not talking out of turn. I built a small room so it looks like an apartment to do Zoom calls. He has a water slide that goes from the outside into his house. Oh, Dana, it says the guy who has a full-length mirror in his room. What? Those aren't cheap. Your room looks so nice. I thought you were in a nice hotel room. I know. Look at Dana. Me? Must be rough, Dana.

We tease each other. This cat. Let me tell you something about this kid. This kid. I met David a long time ago. Before SNL. We know each other. But Heidi, you're so adorable. I don't know what to say. My wife's going to love this one. She listens to all of them. I go, how was it, honey?

A little rough, a little tight. She's the one who told me you can't do voices on the podcast. It's not the place. Why? You did a lot on this one. This one I did because you're such a sweet audience, but I've been working on Biden. That's my new toy. And so I get a little hyperbolic about it. We'll go out on Biden. Give a couple. Biden always points out bad things as if he's not president.

People can't even afford a gallon of gas. Everybody can't even go and tell the people, it's out of time. This is America. This is the Pirates of the Caribbean. It always ends with Pirates of the Caribbean. But he's become the yelling Biden. It's a brand new funny Biden. He's always up there yelling now. And he used to be kind of whispery. My dad lost his job. No joke. Not kidding around. Now he's talking loud. People everywhere kind of move side to side.

He's got to be more powerful. And he has a little booklet he's passing on. Yeah. He is. He's the old man when you're an old man that's yelling, spitting into the wind, basically. Look how strong I am. Look how loud I can talk. Try to punch me. Punch me in the stomach. That's what he's going to do with these things. Punch me. He said he'd take Trump. Take him outside the woodshed.

Beat the hell out of him. Trump would kill him. I know. Well, that was my favorite Trump quote. The craziest Trump quote. What did he say? When Biden said he'd beat up Trump, he goes, I hit him so hard, I'd be crying all the way down. Oh.

He'll be crying all the way down. Oh, who talks like that? We have a crying all the way down. So anyway, Heidi, you're a great audience. Thank you, Heidi. Say hello to Melissa and Chris red and some people I, I know and haven't seen in a while, but I remember when they got the show and, uh,

You're all doing great. This is going to be a good season. I'm excited too. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for having me. This is very special. Good luck. Good job with hustle. And we'll see you soon. Thank you, Heidi. Thanks for coming on. We love you. I just say that now I'm, I'm old. I love you. Talk soon. I'll call you in 20 minutes. Okay.

Hey, what's up, flies? What's up, fleas? What's up, people that listen? We want to hear from you and your dumb questions. Questions, ask us anything. Anything you want. You can email us at flyonthewallatcadence13.com. Hey, guys, it's Spade and Carvey, and we're over here looking the same. We're doing our questions and answers.

And we, this is a thing where you ask a question and we answer forever and we don't really even answer the question. All right. Patrick Carr. Hello. Hello, Patrick. The SNL after parties seem to be a subject of lore amongst the people who aren't involved in the show. Yeah, they do sound interesting. I'm wondering if,

If those parties really do happen every week and if they are as crazy as they say, and is the whole crew invited? Do people blow it off for a while? Are they expected to come? Is the cat, this is a 12 part. This is a long, we do long answers. This question is a motherfucker. Any funny after party stories that won't jeopardize anyone's career? Uh,

This is really enjoy listening to you guys. Really enjoy the show. Okay. Fair enough. Where do we start on this one? Well, you were the bad boys of comedy, so you probably have bigger stories. Me, I just had an M still light, me, Phil, and John went home early. You know what's funny? I never did any Sniffy Jiffy that whole SNL run, and that's the only time you should be doing it. That would not fit your biological. I mean, I can't imagine you doing Sniffy Wiffy twice.

Sniffy Jiffy. I always hated it. I took cocaine. I snorted cocaine once and I drove over to the comedy club and I drove around and I couldn't go in the club because I thought they all hate me.

That wasn't the drug for me. Yeah, it hits everyone differently. I only did it once in the old days in AZ, right before I went on stage at some crummy open mic night. And it was not my persona. I went up there like JonBenet. I'm like, you know what I mean? It was too, and I got too ahead of myself. I got scared. But the SNL parties, there was probably drugs around. It was more when we talked to the old cast. That was for sure. They were going to stay up all the way till Monday. But the parties are fun because the...

The interesting part to me was that you don't know maybe during the show, they don't want all these people in paparazzi to show up at the party. So during the show, they will slip you, Marcy would slip you a little note that would just say two inches by two inches where the party was and the address. And that was it. And you'd put it even in your like wardrobe, you just like you'd read it and go, got it memorized. And then that was during the show. That's how late they told you. So no one knew where it was.

and it would be at Ollie's or down at Columbus or whatever. I would put this out, you know, one is I never could sleep in as a, as a night owl on SNL. So I'm basically was up in those days, like eight or nine. And that's the day of the show. You're already tired. You, you,

You're up very late the night before. So then you do the whole show. So that's like 16 hours. You're prepping, rehearsing, calling people. You get to the show. You do 12 hours of rehearsal of a practice show. The show. So it's 1 a.m. You're out on your feet. And now let's go to a party. Right. So you hope you get a second win. But the last time I was there, because Lorne can always, his endurance nocturnally is insane.

legendary. He'll always stay to the very end. You're a baby if you leave at 4.30. A coward and a loser. And I don't know why I would say that. Dana, you're a baby, a coward, a loser for leaving now. So the last time I did a guest spot, I said, I'm going to stay all night with Lorne. And I did. And he just talked...

Brilliant stuff for hours. And then the lights come on. Have you ever been there where the restaurant lights come on like at 6 a.m.? It's very eerie. And Lauren's like in the middle of... And that's that thing of like when you read a book, it reads you as well. And then the lights come on. There's a little siren. Doodle doodle.

And so, I guess we have to go now. But then, one time I was in the car with him. Do you want to go get bagels? They're fresh. They're coming out now. We could go get bagels. And it's like, you know, 7.15. Jeez, now it's morning. You haven't even slept. Gross. 7.15 in the morning. So, that's the main thing I remember. Not cocaine, girls, nothing illicit. Just can I fucking stay awake? Yeah. You know, the stress of being on. And so, you do that whole day Dana described. Everybody gets a limo. Usually feature players. I'd have to split it with someone. So, let's say...

me and rock go over and we, we get there and then they have tables and you're sort of sectioned off feature players. If it's a four top two of you have to go there. If you have a friend with you, uh, you don't get your own table. Danny gets a big fucking booth and a throne and then, and then, or he sits with Lauren and then the stress comes immediately. Cause you sit down, you just breathe, get your arms to light. And someone goes, Michael Keaton this week, what do you got? And you're like, Oh fuck. So you just finished the show.

With Christy Alley and then like Michael Keaton's this week, what do you got? Start racking your brain. And so you have a drink and everything, but it's hard to start drinking it one. You can't. It's just, it's just, you nurse, you nurse an Amstel light. Sunday is basically, not to interrupt, but Sunday is $10 a quarters. And you just, I go down to my basement and do fucking laundry.

I'll say one thing that at a given point, first of all, there were no cars for us to get to the party when I got on the show because the budget was cut. So you had to try to get a cab to go to the party. But then after a while, the show got popular and then it'd be like...

Maybe Sting comes in, Paul Simon, some New York Ranger athlete, whatever. And I remember my friend and I used to think of, we wanted, we were such Beatle fans, we wanted John Lennon to be back alive and to walk in because we wanted these celebrities to be blown away. Yeah. You know, like, what would fuck them up? Oh, John Lennon's coming in. So when I was in the 70s, my friends and I had a club called What's It Gotta Do With John Lennon? And we had t-shirts made.

And we actually wrote a song, What's Gotta Do With John Lennon. Also McCartney freaks too. We had McCartney t-shirts as well. But Ringo's up there with you too, right? They were me brothers. Me brothers. They were me brothers. I liked Ringo. And George was sort of like this, you know, John and Paul were the primary songwriters. Yeah.

And Lennon was like this, and Paul was like this. Thank you, David, for setting me up for doing impressions I've done 12,000 times. It's all right. We're still hanging in there. All right, you guys. Thank you for the questions. Keep them coming, and we'll keep our answers not brief. Enjoy Kamala Harris. She's up next. Is she? No.

Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. Production and engineering led by Greg Holtzman, Richard Cook, Serena Regan, and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.