Iliza Shlesinger
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Dana. Yeah. What do you got? Well, we have Eliza Schlesinger today, who is a comedian. I actually see a lot down at the old clubs and colleges I play. I have. Yeah. She goes to the comedy store. She works, man. She's a hard worker. She grinds it out. Like Nikki. These...

I'm not going to say these women. Yeah. It's just really, these comics just grind it out and she's good. I think I always see her kill. I follow her a lot. She comes in cause she does like three a night and cause she's got a special coming out. You know, this, the, uh,

The Amazon Prime special. Oh, the one called Different Animal? That's right. March 11th, I think. Amazon Prime. And that's going to be a good one because I've seen some of the stuff she's doing on it. Yeah. She talks, well, you know, she talks, she's got so much great stuff and she's had so many specials. She's been out there, books, specials, podcasts, she does it all.

And it's all working. And we get to talk to her just about her process. And I love that word, her process. She's someone who went to her first open mic and then was a headliner in clubs within three years, which is not easy to do. Very hard. Took me a lot longer than that. Took me three years to learn how to hold the mic. Three years I had about.

you know, 14 minutes. I mean, honestly, you think you have an hour, you don't. No. So she had a killer hour and 36 months of standup. She has a cool name. We talk about how people just, you know, like I was always instead of Dana Carvey, it was Dana Garney. Horrible introductions early on in your career. Yours was. Oh, I gave her, I gave her a bad introduction too. I didn't even mess up the Schlesinger part.

There's a controversy about there was a big thing that happened between Eliza and David. And we talk about that and we talk about what she wears on stage, her marriage. It's a fun episode. I really enjoyed talking with Eliza. Without further ado, here she is.

He was like a John Belushi thing. Yeah, you got it going. Oh man, he hated women. Oh no. John Belushi hated women. Yeah. Yeah, he's like famous for quoting. That's a good start. What do you, I like pizza, I like movies and I hate women. Why? He's famous. Why?

He's famous for saying women aren't funny. And I only think about that because journalists always bring it up and I'm like, he's dead. So I guess I went. Oh, quotes follow forever. Do you have you ever been like you read something and Eliza said this and it's completely made up? Obviously you have.

Not or just like a half quote and you're like, I'm sorry that I said that like half awake on a podcast in 2010. Yeah. Do I still need to? Yeah. Remember my firm stance on dogs versus cats on a sandwich being a pita going out on a limb.

Literally. Pita had a good run. I mean, that pita bread, that was a good bit for... Well, like stoner podcast people have to be like, oh no, is a tender McNugget, is a pita a sandwich? And you're like, the world's on fire. I don't know. The world's literally on fire. Literally. I was going to say it was too soon, but when I said last night to someone,

Well, this is rude. We'll take it out. But I said, oh, where do you live? And they said, Encino. And I said, oh, did you have any problems with what happened in the Palisades? They said, no. And I said, oh, even the fire doesn't want to go to the valley? And they just stared at me and I go, no, but actually, so it was horrible. So everything, okay. I had to skim over it. You know what I mean?

I'm going to defend Encino right here. The first house I ever bought was Encino. And I would go over the Mulholland Hill into the hell of Hollywood, Hollywood party, who loves you, go back to the country. I'm defending, I'm going on record defending Encino. I like Encino. Do you? I, the,

The first TV show I ever shot, we shot it in Encino in like a mansion. It was like a reality show. And I had no real reference for it. But as I get older, you're like, oh, that's where all the money in the valley goes. Like if you want to live like a millionaire in Kansas City, buy your house in Encino and you can live like a person. Is Encino the nice version? Is it like closer to the mountain?

Is it better? But it's on the flats, but you want to be South of Ventura. You don't want to be in the crime ridden areas, although they have their advantages and fun too. Um, was this show called the bachelor?

No, it was called you would only know this if you had trouble sleeping and or a coke addiction because it aired so late. Well, what was the subject of it? Let us see if we can guess the title. What was the idea of the show? It was called excused and it was like a dating show. People and I was the host. Oh, it is a date. Oh, yeah, I did. We did.

230 episodes. Holy shit. I have eaten, the bigger issue is that no one knows the show, but I have eaten at every single restaurant in Encino. And Rosetta. Rosetta and Encino, if there was a lunch special, if there was a sushi bar, I ate there. Who does, what network was that on? How did I miss a 230 episode? It's like Friends.

It's like, it's like, I'm, I mean, it's like friends minus the money. It was syndicated. It was CBS studios. So it was picked up in all these crazy markets. Every once in a while, I'll get some like dude in skinny jeans. That's like, I used to watch you when I was getting ready for my shift. Yeah. Before I went to Rutgers, we always watch. It wasn't really for me. You ever get a backhand, a compliment. I heard you're pretty funny, but it's not for me, man. I,

I saw some of your stuff. I stopped. I stopped watching when you got married. I stopped watching. Oh, did they say that?

Oh, it's... You can take the good with the bad. You get all kinds of weird compliments that I'm like, look, you would still love to have sex with me. We both know it, but thank you so much for buying this ticket and enjoy the impression. Enjoy the show. I want to walk around with that attitude. Yeah, I do too. You want to have sex with me. We both know it. We both want it. You could. We both want it, but I am married and so it's tough, but... Yeah, but...

Do women comedians who are photogenic, let's put it this way, attract the creep element more than the studs?

dudes that the men i guess i can't comment on more than uh because i but i think it's not even about being attractive i think you just as a woman you just like leave the house you're like here i am and then the universe is like well here's the list of weirdos that are gonna make it tough for you no matter what you look like so i don't even know if being attractive matters

guys are just like, hey, let's do this. They'll figure it out later if you're attractive. They just need to get something going. I mean, I've definitely talked to male comics, big male comics, lesser known ones that have, I mean, I think stalkers come in. I think mental illness knows no gender. Yes. That's your next special. Good hooky title. Yeah, because it includes everyone.

Ali Wong always slams when she gets on stage. She goes, like Polly Shore brings her up. She goes, Polly, there's so many girls that would fuck. This guy's the grossest guy out there. All male comics are gross and all these girls will fuck them. It's so rude. We're all in the back going now, here, here. I am, here, here. Let this meeting come to order. Now see here. Oh, I thought you meant here, here, like aye, aye. Like I agree with that. No, I do like it. I say here, here. Yeah. I say here, here.

Uh, I think, uh, most male comics are, would proclaim themselves degenerate scumbags. And I think they wear it proudly and you become a comic cause you're like, look, we can all agree. I'm physically repulsive. Right. But if you can make a woman laugh, I mean, it's,

Disreportional. We've all heard that rumor. Yeah. And I always say music, I mean, comedy is like music where how, what kind of comedy are you doing? Like, it's like saying I like music. It's too general. So you can make a girl laugh that's on their wavelength. Like what kind do you like dry humor? Do you like goofy? Do you like, so,

sometimes you do sync up with someone because of that. Of course. I mean, if that's your only, listen, I wasn't famous in high school. There's nothing going on. It's just all trying to be funny. That's all. And you're on a platform. Go ahead. Well, I was going to say what's weird just for a moment, if I could, I want to pull back the current. Well, you said you weren't famous in high school, but like, and I don't, I watched you guys in high school and that's, what's crazy for me. Oh, wow. Yeah. And like,

Just shoot me chopping broccoli. The church lady. Like, I mean, I know all of your resumes and, um,

David, some parts of the year you and I share a similar haircut, and we were on many lineups together. And Dana, I've never met you, but it is very weird to finally talk to people. And I felt this way when I met you, David, where you're like, oh my God, you were my reference for so many funny things, for all the sketches I wrote in high school. Oh, yeah.

I mean... That's very... That's nice, right? I mean, David, I probably never got to talk to you about this because we always see each other in passing, but, like, I don't think there was any... One of the most impactful sketches was, like, the Gap Girl sketch. And Dana, like, my mom bought me Wayne's World on VHS as a surprise for a sleepover. I memorized the whole movie. Like...

Like you guys are massive bricks in like a comedy fortress that I've like built in my mind. And so this is crazy. Oh, I like that.

I totally get that. You know, the things that I saw, like if I had met John Cleese at a certain date, I still, oh good. I want to wake up. But I get it. If you're in your form, I say six to 12 or 13, 14, that timeframe shows you watch comedians you see. So we get it. But of course, you know, now that we're just people, uh,

who went to a club on a bet and then ended up on television. We get it. Can you kind of emotionally or mentally touch your fame and how much accolades and money you're making doing this? Or is it still a little bit surreal? You're pretty young. Yeah.

I don't know. It's grounding and surreal at the same time. Sometimes you look around, you're like, oh my God, every stitch of everything in this really nice house is because I thought to make a joke about something. That is weird. And then I look at all the things I don't have and I'm like, and you could be making more jokes and have nicer things if you got out of bed quicker. I think we all are in the weird... You always look to someone that's sort of well-known and that you grew up with.

And you forget that they're sitting there going, I could do more. I could do better. That's all you're thinking all the time is like, work on my act, work on this, try to get this going. Where are you at on the disciplines? You know, because we've met different people on this podcast who really do workshop like Nick, Nikki Glaser, you know, Jim Gaffigan. It's an amazing thing. How, how, how effortless was or how hard was it for you to get a position on stand up mountain?

Did it come quickly or was it a grind? I don't know. It came relatively quickly. I think I got my position relatively quickly because I became like a solid touring headliner in 2008. And when did you start? I started when I was 21. But 2000 what? 2000.

Well, I graduated college in 2004, 2005, and so I did it for about three years. Okay. Became a touring professional. Wow. That's fantastic. Yeah.

And this was, you know, it was when it was. And so I was able to sort of become a headliner and bypass a lot of sexual harassment very early on. Shocking. But I don't know. David could tell you. I mean, he sees me out. I'm out when I'm not on tour. I'm out every almost every night of the week. Yeah.

I mean, you're jumping club to club, right? Yeah. And, and it's something that you think would like kind of like lighten up over time, but I'm about to turn 42. And if I'm not on the road, I'll knock back like two or three sets a night just to, uh,

Just for the love of it, you know? Just always out there. Do you record always or do you just go and do it? Do you remember it? It's hard to remember for me. I tend to, if I do record, I have trouble listening back. So I tend to. I can't listen back. I'm like, who wants to hear this? This is awful. I tend to listen back if it's a brand new joke, like my new special episode.

is out on Amazon March 11th. And so I've already started. Different animal. A different animal. Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime. Not regular. You can get your, while you're watching me, you can shop for air filters, toilet paper, Chinese socks. You know, this is kind of, this is inside baseball. I love that phrase. But sometimes when you're trying to bid, your setup just happens to be perfect.

Maybe sometimes because it's a new bit. And then if you don't record it or you don't remember, you're like, oh, it's not working. What was that set up that enter the joke perfectly? You know? Yeah. It's frustrating what I have done. And I've done this. I don't rely on this, but I have a pretty close relationship. Like if you follow me, you're a pretty decent fan. I will put on my own Instagram stories. Hey, if you were at the eight o'clock,

at the theater tonight. What was that thing I said about pigeons? Oh, wow. And people, or I'll say it on stage, I'll be like, could somebody text that to me? And someone always remembers it. That's smart. I crowdsource my own memories. And phrasing, I'll tell you, Liza, I'm the same way. First of all, I saw, we were on the same show probably three nights ago. But I have to say, when I do it, I don't know what, I like to do new bits, I record them, but it's almost worse now

to listen to them. It's awful. Because it's so sickening that I have to make myself go, I recorded, I did it the right way. I just have to hear it or write it down. So I memorized like just the phrasing because it worked. And then it's so lazy, but it's something sickening about repels me to, and I have to like, I do another show and I wait all day and then I go, I got to just hear it and go, that is how to do it. Okay. But it's so hard to make yourself do that.

It's hard to, I mean, I recently, you know, I got all the promo cuts for my Amazon special and I have to watch myself back and I have to take like a deep cleansing breath. Gross. And it's weird. It's like, so this is something I wish on other people, but I can't watch myself. Like there's something very, very removed about all of it. Like you have the ego to get up there,

But actually digesting yourself for yourself is a weird existential kind of torture. And how long did you do your special tape it? And then how, so you taped it and you said you're already working on, do you want a full new hour or do you want mostly new before you go out or what do you want? Yeah. I mean the timeline to, to the, to the average civilian, the timeline is, seems different than it is. Cause, and you guys know this by the time I,

People see your hour. You've already been on the road and working because it's like a four month time period between when you record it and when it's actually released. But even yeah. And even prior to recording it, you had jokes that didn't make it or jokes you were taking out that you still want to work on. So you're just constantly the other night I actually got up and I seldom do this with just a list of jokes that I that I've written that I've written down that I haven't gotten to. And I just read them.

And then we'll just start with those little kernels. Just see what pops out. You're right. And sometimes it's a bit of a trick. Could you give us one of these jokes? Yeah, give us one. Sure. Okay. Sure. Sure. I want to explore the absolute rage that I feel

I have to preface it by saying my husband is awesome. We have a lovely relationship. He wakes up at like 5 a.m. He gets our daughter ready. He makes all of us breakfast. He does everything. He's elegant. He supports women. Like he's the best. The absolute abject rage I feel toward him when he takes a nap. Love.

Like he needs it for his, so he won't collapse. So he'll live. There's just something too gentle. I'm like, why don't you take your nap? You little gentle toddler. Why don't you take that little baby nap and rest your eyes? Like this, he's been up for 18 hours. Like he has to take a nap so he doesn't. I didn't see this napping on your resume. I don't think we would have had a first date if I knew you napped all day. And you're like, he's like, I get five minutes a day. Just relax. It's a one hour nap. And I'm like, well, what if I need to talk to you? Like it's,

So it's less that it's more about making fun of the unjustified anger. It's never an anger, an actual anger toward him. That is funny that you're just enraged. You're not kind of bothered or a little bugged. You're just furious is funny. Yeah, I just I'm going to be like, hey, can you ask Noah a question? I'll be like, don't know, because he's in the land of Nod. So I guess we'll just put our lives on hold while he naps. Meanwhile, it's one hour ever.

Everything's fine. Is he on a couch publicly or is he in a bedroom with the door closed? No, he retreats to the bedroom and no one can go in there. Oh. By the way, that walk of shame trying to... He's trying to... I'm getting mad too. I'm getting fucking pissed at this guy. If I was at your house talking to you guys and he...

Was quietly going in the other room like, where are you going? That's what you'd probably say. Where are you creeping off to? Nap time? Yeah. I got to talk to you about a conversation I had with a female friend. Can you get back here? A female friend. Here's what you tell your husband to say, which will make it slightly funny and less annoying. Oh, Eliza, I'm going to take to my bed.

That sounds like he's ill. Like take to the water. Or it's very regal. It's a king. No, it couldn't be worse. It's worse. Take to my bed. Take. That does sound like you're sick.

Because I also remember you were in The Road to Wellville. So I wonder if that's... Oh, you saw that. I did see that. Who was Dana? Yeah, he played like a mentally handicapped person. Kind of a street weirdo guy. Excuse me? Anthony Hopkins was my dad. I said unhoused. I said unhoused. Yes. It was an unhoused hobo. I got to hang out with Sir Anthony Hopkins or Tony. But the last day there, I...

I just said, see you, Hoppy. But anyway, we're close. We're close. That was a thrill being with him. You know, just couldn't imagine anything more fun. You played an unhoused bum bum. An unhoused bum bum. Like when you combine the good and the bad. Creeping around this mansion in upstate New York and terrorizing Bridget Fonda. Yeah, I actually have been to that. It's called the Mohonk Lodge. Yes, and it is haunted, right?

I mean, anything old is going to be haunted. I mean, but we used to go there. My dad used to take us there. Really? When we were kids. Yeah. It's so random. It's in. Wait, Eliza, is it called Mohonk? Yeah. M-O-H-O. And didn't we do a SNL retreat there or no? We did a retreat in New York in Mohonk. It's in, not Pell, Plattsburgh. Platts, something. It's up there by Hudson. It's like up there. Yeah, it's way, way up there.

Up the Hudson River. It's a shit valley. Dana, do you remember that? We all went, Eliza. All the cast members went up. I was there. I was on the cast. I was on SNL. You were there? Yeah, I didn't do a lot that year. You could have been there for three seasons as a 10-year-old feature player. You just never got on. Yeah, you could have played the junior high girl with the ponytail. What's up?

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I will tell you, I show my daughter's just turned three. And so it's on me to show her what's funny. So I showed her a bunch of in living color. And then I was like, you need to see this sketch. It's called Matt Foley, whatever, whatever he was. And it was the one with you and Christina Applegate. Oh, yeah. When he falls on the table. And I was trying to explain to her why that's funny when someone falls onto furniture.

And that took the funny right out of it. Did she react to it? I mean, she's three. Nope. But she will. She will ask for it. In like six months, she'll be like, I want to see the furniture guy. And then you'll be like, I will pull it back up for you. The furniture guy. Yeah. Does she watch Miss Rachel? No. Really? Just never thought about it. I thought that was the big hook.

No, but we watch a lot of Michael Jackson Thriller on repeat the whole video. Oh, my gosh. Wow. That's a little scary, right? It's monsters coming at you and stuff. I was like, you need to know what good music is. Halloween was there. I was like, you have to know this. And now, I mean, if you're a parent, you will just live to see all of your favorite things repeated to you ad nauseum until you hate them. We listen to Thriller every morning.

Oh, boy. Multiple times. If you had to guess next Halloween, what would your child go as, you think? I already know. Spider-Man? She's going. What?

Oh, she's going as Elsa. I already asked her. It's either Elsa or Michael Jackson. Oh, it's whatever. It's funny. Next year, it's nine months. She already knows on it. Three, four or five Halloween rocks. I mean, Halloween is for that. That age, the cute kids, twit, twit, you know, and then the, uh, the 15 year old high school dude, could I get some candy? You know, so my block does the Halloween for the, for our entire area. Uh,

So it's like a thousand people. It's a job. Not only that, the kids are so rude. They don't know to say trick or treat. And I, my joy in life is putting on a witch face and I heckle these kids.

Oh, I love it. I try to be, and they kind of crave it. And when a kid comes back for candy and I'm like, I recognize you get out of here, you little fat brat. And I turn them away. I don't call them fat, but I love to scare them because you have to say please. And you have to say trick or treat. And they don't know. They don't know. They know. I was telling Dana that the Superbowl,

Has a Roman numeral like 48. I'm like, let me tell you something. No fucking kids know what goddamn Roman. Can we drop it with the Roman numerals? They don't even know what numerals means. They know the word number barely. They can't read cursive. They're not reading ancient numbering systems. The AI is going to teach your daughter. It's so true. They're so stupid. They have no idea. So excellent. Eliza, you are, I'm not reading this.

Eliza, you from Dallas, but you remember when you were there, you're too young, but my favorite club was the Dallas Improv on Central and Walnut. Oh, it moved because now it's in Addison. Addison is one like next to a freeway.

The whole city's next to a freeway. It's Dallas, Texas. The whole city was built off a toll road. That's so funny. The Addison Improv, I used to call that. Okay. I played the Addison Improv, but there was a Dallas one and the manager used to take us to the Million Dollar Saloon. Mm.

Dana, it wasn't a real regular like Old West saloon. Hey, man. Spellbinders in Houston. Anybody? I'll tell you what. I think Dallas has... At least it used to have like more strip clubs per capita. And then I think Portland and probably Atlanta joined the chat. But...

Join the chat. Join the strip chat. But Dallas has a lot of them kind of down there in that area. In that whole area down there. The manager would take all the comics down there and he'd give them free passes. And they'd be like, oh, this is good. Oh, wait, it's good Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday? Was that when you were playing there? No, Eliza. It's just they were only allowed to go. I'll tell you what. Paper the room. I could just see...

Like any female comic working, like being like, oh, cool. Thanks for these strip club passes. I'm so glad. I'm so glad I can get those wings. Yeah, we had a good thing going. I remember, you won't know this because you're tuned, but when I worked there at the Addison Improv, this cute waitress said she dated the drummer for NXS. Now, this is going way back. That's an old band. It's very cool. And we're like, you don't even...

know who NXS is. There's not a chance because no one anywhere but LA sees anyone famous. Just never happens. Right. God, lo and behold, that God dang drummer for NXS comes in the club when I'm there. I'm like, ba, ba, ba, ba, wah. And he said, this ties into you.

You got, oh, the comedians, if you want, stay a day and on the night off, we'll all go to see Michael Jackson. What? And he took us to Michael Jackson. Where did you, that's amazing. Somewhere in Dallas at some big dome. I was like, oh my God, this is, it sounds like a lie. It might be a lie. Actually, I'm going to back off a little bit. What do you mean it might be a lie? Did you go or did you not? No, because you reacted too big. So I was like, wait, am I lying? Oh, I think it's true.

No, I think it's true. I saw him live, but I met him when he was 13. Oh, yeah. You met him when you were a bus boy. Bus boy waiter at the Holiday Inn bringing Michael Jackson and all the Jackson family dinner. Fruit Loops. At a Holiday Inn? Holiday Inn, which was near a regional theater called the Circle Star Theater, 3,000 in the round. The Jackson 5 was playing there in 75. I was a bus boy waiter there.

you know, room service guy. And so I got to know him a little bit. You know, I always brought him raw carrots. Is that you getting to know him? You know, in the story, it just makes the story better. I gave him carrots and left. Also, Little Richard, I waited on him. He answered the door naked. That's true. What city is this? This is San Carlos, California.

I feel unqualified to be on this because I don't have these... I don't have these storied... Other than, you know, like, I don't... You ran into Dane Cook at the Beverly Center. Nobody wants to hear that. Who would be the person you'd most want to meet right now? Like a famous person. He'd like...

Taylor Swift, you met her. I'm just throwing it out. Okay, most famous person. I've never met her. I guess it's like, I don't know. I don't think it's about like, oh, I want to meet them. It's more about like, oh, I'd love to work with them. I see. But I mean, I met Billy Crystal once and I cried and he was so nice because there is a comic, you know, it's not about rock stars. I mean, I think if I met Nicki Minaj, I'd be like, we have to talk. I have so many things I've always wanted to say to you. And she would tolerate me and she'd be like, whose mom is this?

But as a comedian, there are so many people, if you're lucky enough in your career, your idols become your colleagues. And that's very unique and kind of weird. Kind of sad. It's sad for the idol. But it's, I don't know. I think, I don't know.

anybody from, I mean, if I ever met Jim Carrey, of course, obviously I could never meet Chris Farley, but that would be impactful. Will Ferrell, I'm sure I will take a meeting with at some point and will embarrass myself. Love Will Ferrell, yeah. Big fan of Elizabeth Banks.

I've only met her executive. That's a good one. I think I've chatted with her, but you see women that were on SNL. You see these people, and then you remember that they're just like you. These are just normal people. But Billy Crystal, I did cry because that was incredibly meaningful. So he was big when you were growing up. Was it him on SNL or him in movies? No, because that was...

Again, I think this podcast should be called You're Too Young to Remember This. You're so young and you're going to blow eggs. I'm just wondering where you intersected with Billy Crystal. He, because he was on SNL, obviously, at the very beginning, he did a movie. I mean, obviously, there were city slickers. Yeah. But he did a movie called Mr. Saturday Night, which...

sometimes gets overlooked by standup comics as this like seminal piece of work in terms of like movies about standup comedy. Right. But we watched it a lot growing up. And now that I look back at it, you realize how much of it was true in a way that you couldn't process it as a kid. Oh yeah. And with no context, he did that character in a special, I think he did a special where he played all these characters at a house somewhere or something. And I remember it standing out. He's like really in the pocket with that character.

And then he did the movie. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and, um, so yeah. What do you, what do you sound like?

Was he like this or something? No, it was just a New York Jew. Just like a New York, like, schticky... What do you want? Yeah. What do you want from me? King of the jungle? How about queen? Or king of the... It was a Davy Crockett joke. It wasn't... It wasn't the jungle. It was king of the wild frontiers. It sounds like a joke. How about... And then... And then ba-dum-bum. Yeah. Ba-dum-bum. And so, I don't know, but I will say, I mean, anytime you work with anyone bigger than you, you're just kind of like, oh, wow, this is...

I feel bad for this person, but this is really cool that I'm here. Where did you see him? He was doing a town hall like for the New York Comedy Festival and I had a show. At the Y or something? No, it was at Town Hall. Like it was called... Town Hall in New York. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I snuck back there and I went like under the stage like Phantom of the Opera style and I was like, I bet he'll be here and he was...

No security because it's, you know. John Hinckley style more like. I did it. Yeah. And so you see him and you go up and he's nice to you. That's great. Somehow I always let people know like I'm a comedian. Just so you know, like I'm not a weirdo. Like I'm like, I do what you do. We're the exact same. Can I get a picture? Which means I'm a weirdo. I'm a weirdo. I took a picture. I'm a comedian equals I'm a weirdo.

Well, there's also that thing with comics. Someone is a comic and you're like, are you or is this something you like think about doing? But I do think it is a nice thing like to level the playing field when a comic comes up to me. They're like, hey, I do comedy too. It's a nice way of being like, hey, like I mean you no harm yet. It kind of like you're on the same club. Like anytime you're on the backstage comedy store, you walk in a club on the road or you do a guest spot and you see comics.

It's all like equal. Everyone's like, hey, what's up? Yeah, like you could at least introduce yourself or say hi. I mean, but there is I always feel bad when like a comic is like I couldn't get in. I'm like, if you're a comic, you can come in. You can always come in for free. I don't want people to think that you just say it, but you're you're allowed into these spaces.

to just hang out. It's very interesting when you get an out of the blue compliment, because if you're slumping around on a Sunday afternoon or something, and I think you totally forget that you're on TV kind of at least intellectually. And then all of a sudden somebody goes, I love you, man. And then walks away like, oh, thanks. Oh, and they don't want anything too. And that's kind of nice. They don't want anything. Oh, the most humbling is when I'm like,

Did you, because sometimes I'll say it because I know someone will be nervous because I'll pick up on the energy. I'll be like, did you want a picture? And then they say no. And I'm like, I'll just go fuck myself then. I didn't want to give you so bad. I don't want to go. I don't want to go that far. I'm not really in it. I know you're fine, but let's not get off.

They'll wait in your VIP. This may not be relatable to a lot of people listening. They'll wait in your VIP line with people who paid a lot of money to meet you and have a photo. And then they'll say, I don't want a photo. I just wanted to say hi or thank you. And I'm like, okay, but you spent a hundred. This is still a hundred dollars. You sure you don't want a quick Snapchat? Quick something? Nope. Nope. Do you just want it? Okay. I respect it. What about the people that you have a professional photo? Let's take a photo like it's my idea. Let's take it.

That is good. But Dana, she's saying, what if you say no? I've never had anyone say no. I don't relate to it. I've had people say, I only get 100,000 photos on my phone. I don't want to waste them. But backstage, let's say, Eliza, you're doing a corporate or regular backstage meet and greet and they have a professional photographer, right? Yeah. So they go, this moves, boom, boom. And then you do it and then everyone slowly pulls out their phone. After they get the real picture and goes,

let's just do one on mine. And it just stops everything. And they're like, how do I flip my phone? I'm so nervous. What's my code again? Okay. So what do you do? That's your tour manager's job. We have a policy, one picture per group. You guys all came together. You have each other's numbers. You give the phone to the tour manager and we bang them out. There's no, I don't want to see you fiddle with your LG chocolate.

No fiddling. No fiddling. No, with your sidekick. I don't want to see it. Just have it ready. Suzuki sidekick. With your Kawasaki jet ski. I don't want to see you fiddling. Why did they stop making that sidekick phone, whatever? I remember Kid Rock had one. I thought he was so goddamn cool. He'd go, and it kind of spins out. Remember?

It was, it was so cool. I never had one, but they looked really, I never had one either. They were too cool. I have a, I have a question about phones and no one's ever answered this to me. Like they make these giant, you know, library book size phones and you know, all that.

Could I get a second phone that was tiny that I could just talk on that has the same number? Just so everyone at home knows, Dana Carvey's holding up an iPhone 6 and I don't know how he still has it. Is that a 6? No, no, it's a normal phone. It's a normal phone. He's holding up an iPod Shuffle. Shuffles were a great idea. People have phones

phones that just perform a phone call duty. It doesn't have the internet. Like people are going back to that now since we're all getting drug dealer. Nice. If you're just around town, you could have like this really light phone with the same number and still have this when you want to go show people videos.

Come on, Tim Cook. Get your ass in one of these. Is that how badly you want to show people videos? Like Dana Carver's just walking around like, look at this cooking video. Look at this hibachi video. Look at this booyah base. This is being recorded. Look at, this is me with Eliza. This is me with David Spade, you know? Yeah. Wait, actually, I've seen women at dinner and they put down the two phones like stacked on each other. I'm like, hook, hook, hooker.

Oh, that's what you, oh, I thought you meant like you got me hook, line, and sinker. No, I said. That they were sex workers. That's what they think, I mean. And then I go, nope, we got a hook alert here. When I first met David, he had a burner phone. I go, what's that for? Never mind. Yeah.

Yeah. What is that, David? What's that about? He's lying, but it's a funny, fictitious scenario. So I'm going to tell you the truth that nobody's going to cop to. Oftentimes when you see someone with two phones, if they're not a drug dealer and there are, I can think of a Kevin Gates song about having two phones. It's called Two Phones. It's oftentimes just a performative flex.

Like, they're like, sorry, I just get so many. I can't. I'm like, this is sorry. This is a micro computer with the entire power of the world in it. And you're telling me you're so disor. You have so much going on that the internet can't hold all of your information. Your phone book is so full that you need two different. Yeah.

And I think if you're a mega celebrity, like most people just won't have your number. I'm not even that famous. And most of my calls go to an assistant. So the two phone thing, unless you have one for work that you throw in a drawer at the end of the day is really, and people like hold them up to be like, Oh, sorry. I just have two of these. Like, okay, we get it. That is a good flex. Like it's a flex. Three performative flex is another possible special for you. Yeah. With three X's. So six specials. How, how,

In a pretty short, well, I guess they would spread them out, but it's a lot of specials. It was in one year. It was in one year. We did two every, two a month. Do you know when you show up what you're going to wear? Because I never know until like 10 minutes before. I guess I'll wear this shirt. Oh, on your special, you mean? Yeah, on your special. Yeah. Plan it out. To be fair, Dana, right now you look like you're in a sleeping bag. Yeah.

To be fair, you didn't think anything before this. It's an Adam Sandler puffy jacket. Oh, yes. It's a Cotopaxi original. Oh, no, we can tell. No, no.

No, no. You're right. That is a very funny observation. Women know more about guys' clothes when they walk up and they size it all up. And guys don't even know they're being analyzed. And it's like, yeah, I think this is a pretty good outfit. And they're like later going, did you see the shoes? Yeah, this with that. Yeah. They just know everything. It's not. I used to in one of my old specials, I have a bit about how we scan like we scan everything. And it's not about because I'm not a gold digger. It's not about like, oh, is that a nice watch? It was like.

Oh, are your shoes weirdly outdated to where it's like you had to make a choice between these shoes or your electricity being on? Are you wearing a Kenneth Cole reaction shoe that shows that no one's dressed you in a long time? Are you wearing workout gear, but obviously you haven't done cardio? Are you wearing a tech vest? Are you wearing a Cotopaxi jacket? And they all inform us...

about your, are you wearing an Arctic's flannel? Like, do you have a cocaine addiction? Like there's all these things for better, for worse. But to answer your question, of course not. I mean, we plan the outfit.

I think I work my, I think the outfit is second to how precious the material is and then the lighting and everything else. But the outfit gets planned well. I saw a clip of you. Well, you were wearing, it was kind of black and then there was sort of, you were hip flexors were, were exposed. Excuse me? Yeah. And it was, it was kind of a cool look, you know, I mean, it's very cool. I don't, I just buy, I'm trying to be invisible. You know, I have like,

I'm a bit of a prude. I have 50 black t-shirts. You know, look, I'm not going to pretend like as a woman, what you wear doesn't matter. And I, there's certain silhouettes I enjoy. And for this special, we,

We, I just wanted to do something sexy, but powerful, but fun. I found the pants prior to having my last baby. So I held onto those pants for like a full year. And I was like, I'm going to get into these pants come hell or high water. And I just stared at them every day. Do you feel like when I was trying on shit for my stupid special, like, oh, my, it's guys. It's like nobody cares. 90% of the time, a t-shirt and a coat.

And it's usually those jackets with no collar or whatever. So I was trying something on, but I don't usually wear coats on stage. I don't do much movements, but I don't want to have any resistance anywhere. Like it's too tight or you're trying to look good and you're like, I can't really...

do what I do and I'll think about it. I'd rather just be loose. So that's why my excuses, I don't look that great on them. Also, I have one coming out in the future. I didn't know what I was going to wear. What is the title of it, David? Did you call it your stupid special? That's what you just said. You were like in my stupid special. My stupid special is this garbage. I think it's called this garbage. And why I didn't decide what I was wearing because I brought two things to the special and we were backstage and

And I was doing them both. And I go, this, this. We wound up doing a combo platter because they said, you have five minutes before you go on.

So this is what I'm worried about before I go on and the crowd is there and they're like, guys, which, what is he walking out? And so we just know for whatever reason, they want to know a month ahead. They got to steam it. They got to steam no matter what you're doing. As long as you don't have wrinkles. Look, here's the deal. In terms of men's comedy, there's Eddie Murphy raw. And then there's whatever else the rest of you guys wear. Like it either has to be impactful and iconic or literally no one cares.

I'm going with literally no one cares. I'm going with people go, what did he wear in this special? And they're like, oh, did he have any clothes on? We don't even remember. That's how good the material was. We either just laughed at the jokes or we don't. But we go, that means literally nothing. Why guys? That's why I go, I don't really care. Just-

What do I wear all the time? People have already decided they like me. They don't. Let's just, I don't think, I don't think people, I don't, I think it's all about what you give to your audience. And I don't think people watch you for a sartorial experience. And I think when you're a woman, people have to like, it is about what you're wearing. You know, it doesn't, are you, does it hug your body? Can they see your body? Are they not seeing your body? Is that deliberate? I think women get judged on these things in a good and a bad way.

But for guys, it's just not the way that we think about you. Like if someone sees you, it's like, oh my God, it's David Spade. Not, oh, did you, I mean, maybe on a Saturday night, like, did you see those leather pants?

You know, it's just not your, it's just not part of your brand. And some females are like, are you a hoodie comic or do you dress up? I almost, you know what I mean? Well, that's because for the longest time, you know, the audience, it took them a while to wrap their minds around the fact that a woman was speaking. But now I think, you know, I see a lot of younger girls just going up,

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It pays to slay. It pays to discover. See terms at discover.com slash credit card. Hoodie comic. Hoodie comic. I was one of them. My picture is on the improv wall next to yours, actually, and I'm in that hoodie. Very low rise pants. Yeah, you're right next to mine. It's right when you walk in. Eliza, do you remember when I brought you up wrong? No, I don't. Yes. Do you want to tell it? Because it was a very sweet story. You tell it.

I feel like I remember half of it. It was in the original room at the comedy store. So I think I brought you up and I said your name wrong, right? Definitely. I said your name wrong. It's a tricky name. To be fair, it is awful. I think I got the first name wrong. Yeah. Not even your last name. Yeah.

So what? Oh, yeah. So I felt so bad because it was very unprofessional. Even though intros are always screwy, like Bobby Lee's coming in this idiot, blah, blah, blah. He's my dad. It's always screwy. Forget, mess up the credits. But I said her name wrong. I didn't know her enough to do her name wrong. And then I... Oh, Adam Egott was working there. So I said, can I get Eliza's email maybe? Yeah. Just to apologize for doing that. It was a... You got it. And...

And I got it. So for people listening, Adam Eget was the manager, general manager of the comedy store. And now I think he manages mothership in Austin. And he texted me and he was like, Spade's going to message you. And I, cause I think I may have said something to you. Um,

Or I didn't. But the way he said, Spade's going to talk to you. The vibe was like, hey, you did something wrong. And now comedy royalty is about to not only blacklist you, but you should never have gotten upset that he mispronounced. Like it was like Spade's going to. He didn't say reach out. Reach out is a good thing. It's like Spade's going to bring down the hammer. And I was like, OK. And you reached out and you.

I was never going to say anything ever again because I knew it wasn't personal. And you went out of your way to say that it was a mistake and you were sorry. And I couldn't believe that someone of your stature, that someone that David Spade was reaching down to little old me to be like, hey, sorry about that. In an industry where people are aggressively awful to each other for fun...

And I always remember that about you. And unfortunately for you, I was like, oh, cool. Now we're friends. Now I can always talk to him. Yes. And then I said, no, I got to get it right now all the time. All the time. Yeah. Because I can't mess it. I can't keep messing it up. One time, Dane, I went on an original room and Bill Burr was next, but he was in the hallway bullshitting.

Just like a typical night. And I got the hiccups, like I'm sure to Bill, like a girl. And I've never done this. And I hicked up every joke and I started laughing, but it was too much because it was like the same thing over and over. And they're stopping laughing. And after about three minutes, I go, hey, it's Bill out there. And I go, and I hear, what? And I go, can you come up now? I have to get off.

And he's like, you got the fucking hiccups? And then I was like, oh, this is the worst guy to go after me. Yeah, that's 10 minutes. Because now his first five minutes was like, this fucking pussy. So that was funny. But that was another OR story. Similar. He didn't apologize. No. But

But just know that if you're watching a show and comics give each other shit like that, it's because they're friends. I don't think I've ever really seen a comic like fuck up and then the next comic gets mad about it. Like it's never I've brought up comics I don't even like and I've never given them a bad intro. I've never been like this next guy tried to sexually harass me over the phone and now I'm famous and he's not. Please welcome. Like I would never do that. Yeah.

I think all you did, now I'm thinking about it, when I walked up and said your name wrong, you took the mic and you go, it's Eliza. And then you just went on and did it. But you weren't scolding me. You just said it right for the audience to know. And then I was like shot leaving the stage like platoon. I was like, oh.

And because I deign to softly correct it. And then Adam's like, Spade's going to talk to you. I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. He's going to get mad that I knew my own name. And you were so nice. There's a rumor. You softly corrected someone. I think I did. He's like, what the fuck? You owe David Spade an apology. Your name is now Elisa. Shell, Shell, Ms. Shell Singer, uh,

Um, that's shell singer. There you go. Miss, uh, Eliza. What's the most common mispronunciation or is there one? What Dana just did deliberately or not? I can't tell if it's a bit. No, I was kidding. Okay. Thank God.

Oh, yeah. Schlesinger. Schlesinger. But I don't even correct people because it ultimately doesn't matter. Because the more painful part is having to then hear them try to correct it. And then it becomes like a linguistics lesson. Sure. And you're like, I'm just trying to promote this show.

I just got this special. I was introduced to Dana Garney a lot. Dana Garney. This next comedian is kind of funny. Dana Garney? It's just reading off a piece of paper. Dana, D-A-N-A. And then they just, the V became an N or something. Dana Garney, ladies and gentlemen. Greg Fitzsimmons told me that he one time, and he's in my phone as this, got Grapefruit Simmons. What the?

I don't mind that. People are just uneducated, not checked in, just out to lunch, just making up words, not reading. But Eliza, how nerve wracking is it when they go, there's no MC and you're up there and they go, and you go, who's next? And they're like, Bill Squankmeyer. And you're like,

This next guy is so good. You don't even know who they are. You've never even heard of them. You don't know what to say. Oh, I mean, the art of standup is 99% making up a bullshit credit for the next comic who you have no real reference for. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. It used to just be clubs and colleges, but now that's, I mean, if you're playing colleges as your main thing, like maybe you're not doing great. And so,

And so it used to be Comedy Central, which it really isn't anymore. So now, I mean, I brought up a comic the other night and I was like, you know him from the Internet. Please welcome. It was Morgan Jay. And who is known from the Internet? It's not like you met him on Star Search. And so I thought I just I just usually like this next comic is hilarious. One of my good friends. Yes, I do that. Anyone anyone is next. Yeah. Just throw someone out here.

All right, let's plug Eliza's thing one more time before we let her go. And I will say before I let you go, Eliza, I just talked to today someone I said you were coming on and they said Teller Good on Paper movie is great. And that is a Netflix movie that you wrote? I wrote it. It's based on a true story and I starred in it and it's available for streaming 24 hours a day.

And it is a, it's very hard to write a movie and, and you were in it. It's even harder to make one. Turns out, it's so hard to make a movie. Yes. So vouch for that. And, and the special Dana, say the name of the special. I'll let you do it. A different animal, Amazon prime, March 11th. We shot it in a, where? In Salt Lake city, which I knew. That's a great place. Right? Yeah.

It's secretly an incredible comedy town. Yep, yep, yep. You wouldn't think that. And they're the best. And I have to be honest with you guys. You are my first podcast I've done to promote it. So you're the first person, I guess it was Dana, that I've heard say the special out loud.

Cause the title's been a secret. That's cool. How big was the theater? What did you, what did you do this time? Size wise? It was, um, the Eccles. So that's, I want to say 2,300. I want to also want to say 1,800. It's all such a blur, but we felt we did two tapings at the Eccles and it was gorgeous.

And the outfit was hot fire. So I'm excited for one to see it. I would do one in Salt Lake. They're good. Good crowd. The outfit was cool. If it's the one I think. Yeah. I hope it is. I hope they sent you the materials. Salt Lake City is basically people. Not everyone there is Mormon, but what you get is a city of like almost no crime. People who don't really drink alcohol jacked up on sugar from soda shops and just really looking for a good time before church.

That's who's there. That's right. I got to play that. And they're good. You got to. You like it, Dana. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Eliza. We'll talk soon. I'll see you at the store. I'll see you tonight. All right. Thanks for joining. Bye, you guys. Bye. Thank you. Thank you. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.

Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.