Introducing: Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire
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Okay, Dana, you know, I like to gamble a bit. I'm just, I'm not like too deep in it, but I take a little bit of the Joe Dirt money now and then in the reruns. Do a little of this and that, but this is about at BetMGM. Now you can follow and tag BetMGM across all your socials and that gets you in the mix. This is the sports book, Born in Vegas.

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For Puerto Rico, 1-800-981-0023. Subject to eligibility requirements in partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. Now, the holidays are coming up. I don't know if you know this, Dana, but it is October and then it will be November. And then that's the holiday season. Yeah. They include, we include Halloween in that. So between traveling, having your family around,

Uh, we've teamed up with ring and it's helped them, you know, because ring cameras, which everyone knows, everyone knows that that's a household product at this point, you want to catch these merry moments because there's a lot, a lot of times I see online, there's funny videos.

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you know, it turns off the mic. If, if you want, you can adjust it. You know what I mean? And then the old that's indoors. You could do all that. And then you got the video doorbell, which everyone knows. Someone's at your door. Bing bong. You've hear it. You can answer the door. Um,

Speak to delivery people. Yeah, right. Exactly. You can see a high up and down low with the head to toe video. So you kind of really, you know, and tell them where to leave the packages. What can't it do in terms of this? I like that head to toe. That's a good description because I don't want to just see this. I want to see what am I dealing with here? So I had to ring.com to find the latest deals on ring video doorbells, cams,

and alarms and shop gifts for everyone on your list. It's a good gift. Hi, listeners. I'm thrilled to let you know about Lemonada Media's newest podcast,

Hildy the barback and the lake of fire. Something we talked about Melissa McCarthy about. I know. Get ready for a wild mythical adventure. Melissa McCarthy leads an all-star cast in a hilarious new podcast. Hildy the barback and the lake of fire. Sounds fun. In this fantastical fictional tale for grownups, McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgorath, who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world.

Starring Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone, Octavia Spencer, Glenn Close, and more. Hildy the Barback in the Lake of Fire spins a legendary laugh-out-loud tale you won't want to miss. And we heard all about it when we interviewed both of them. You're about to hear the first episode of Hildy the Barback in the Lake of Fire. After you hear this episode, search for Hildy the Barback in the Lake of Fire on your podcast app to hear more episodes. You can also find a link in the episode description to take you there.

This is Glenn Close. The Golgoroth Alliance is proud to present Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Chapter One, The Beginning. Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgoroth.

It was a land full of magic, legend, and high adventure. From time immemorial, the tales of Golgorath featured heroes who were, how do I say this? They were all dudes. But in the year 361, in the waning years of the Olaru, a new hero found her voice. She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice. She was also a barback. Her name was Hildy.

My name is Hildy I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor and long for something more are in peril from the evil one whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire

It's got to be me. I must set us all free. It's my destiny. Our theme is

We begin our tale in the quiet village of Miraville at the Shady Cockerel, a quaint pub that has been in Hildy's family for generations. Our hero, Hildy Hillsbury, is visited by her friends Gerd, Perda, and Mirabelle. But Hildy is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an argument between two dim-witted patrons of the pub.

I says that the sky is light blue. I says the sky is sky blue.

Gents, please, unclench your moist meat paws. You know, good and well, there's no fighting in the pub. Also, you can't say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing. It's like saying the frog is frog green. This is Perda, a merchant, cunning and wise. Frogs are not green. They're olive. No, they're tea.

Mirabelle, can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something? Sorry mate, that's a super hard spell to execute. I've been working on it, but every time I try, something really ominous happens. This is Mirabelle, an eccentric alchemist and sorceress in training.

Should I decimate these bags of fecal poop ink with my warhammer Hildy, my very best friend? This is Gerd, a half-giant, powerful and loyal friend to Hildy. No, Gerd, no, you should not. Thank you, but I will handle this. Hey, half-giant, I'm not going to do this.

I'm arguing with my friend here. You women folk, hey, best be quiet. Oh. Judging by your breath, gentlemen, which I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels through your... How dare you, wench.

Oh, there we go. Winch. That's the magic word. Anyone who says it gets a... Pie of meat? No. Foot massage? No pony. Not today, but you do get a dick punch. You get another dick punch. You get a dick punch. Guess what? I've got a special running today where you get a third dick punch.

Oh Gerd, would you mind taking out the trash? Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags.

of trash. Hearing the commotion, Hildy's brother Finnick rushes in from the back office. Finnick is slow and lazy, and yet was given ownership of the bar upon their parents' death instead of Hildy because, you know, patriarchy. So Hildy actually runs the bar while Finnick does whatever the hell it is that he does. Gerd,

Gert, unhand those fine men. They're paying customers. They've been banished, Fennec. They haven't paid their bill in months and they're fighting about colors again. I've given them each a multitude of warnings, so no. Or yes, I say they're not banished and I'm the owner of the Shady Cockroach. Okay, indeed, you are technically the owner of the bar, Fennec, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age. Yeah, that's what I just said. And if you say it again, you will no longer

longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your undershorts. What? If you test me, brother, I will burn you until you're dead, and then I'm gonna bury you alive. That doesn't make any sense. I think it does, because first I'm gonna kill you by burning you, then I'm gonna bring you back to life, just so I can chop you up again. A little bit of mulch, throw you the animals, have the animals eat you, then I'm gonna

of the animal, shit you back out. And then I'm going to put a nice little rope around that area, and that's going to be the Shady Cockerell's new restroom. Just don't let Yannick, the drunkard... Only Yannick!

Only Yannick. It's gonna be his personal place to do what he does and you know what he can do to a chamber pot. Takes the finish off. Well, after a consult with my sister and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished. Girl, throw them out. You got it, pheasant. You know my name is Fennec. Okay.

That's done. I'm gonna go to my office now and um... Nope. Don't do the thing you do. Hey everybody! Drinks are on me! Never a good idea. I explain it to you, then you get it, and you forget, and you do it again. I want people to like me. Maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then. I don't want to do that.

Oh, my God, it's a gorlock! What is a gorlock doing in my tavern? A gorlock is a small humanoid creature, similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath. Get behind me, all, as I raise my warhammer! No, no, no, no, no, no, wait! For your mighty warhammer, Gerd! Unless my eyes deceive me, I may know this gorlock. And lo, Hildy did in fact know this gorlock.

And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he is bleeding from many arrows. I am bleeding from many arrows. Mirabelle, is there a spell that can help him? No, Hildy. This poor creature is beyond my aid. Here, friend, have some potion for comfort. Yes, that tastes...

Just terrible! Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good. Well, it's awful! It's somehow bitter, yet cloyingly sweet! The finish is almost mind-bogglingly terrifying! Ew!

Thank you so much for that feedback. Mirabelle, you gotta get a handle on your potions. As I die, sweet Hildy, do you remember when we'd play together as children in the sands? Sand. Yes, the sand. Yes, yes. I was just recalling. We'd play in as children. Yes. The sandy sand. You were my best friend. Oh. My only friend.

Um, uh, sure. Yeah, that's, definitely remember that, friend. I've come to warn you, the morelis are coming.

Morliths, this is not good. Morliths, by the by, are ruined creatures of pure evil. They're taller than men with claws like iron and cold black eyes. They've served the Dark Masters of Golgorath since before the beginning. I scout these lands and I saw them. The Morliths are at least a hundred strong. They seek the Dread Aegis.

The Dread Aegis, also known as the Armor of Doom. There are five separate pieces. The Helm of Magic, the Gauntlet of Might, the Boots of Destiny, the Sword of Power, and the Scabbard of Fate. After the elves, humans and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gath'Lamor, the evil one...

Hildy...

I always thought that someday we'd be married. Oh, yeah...

Yes. Yes. We both thought it so many times. I thought about that so many times. We dreamed. I did dream of that. I thought that too a bunch of times, my dear friend, who I definitely, definitely remember from when we were children. Innocent. Innocent. Innocent. Playing on the sand. Yes. With the sand. Before I die, let me hear you whisper my name. Ah, fuck. Fuck.

Do you not know his name? No! Do you? I don't know I don't know his name. Does he look like maybe a John or a... It could be a John, could be a Luscious. Or Lucius. I thank you for the warning. Sleep, the sleep of the gallant. Sweet, sweet Lucius. Thank you. Wait, who the fuck is Lucius? Oh shit. Lunile!

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Later that evening in the center of town, the citizens of Mirrvale hold a meeting with the council of the seven village elders who are all dudes. And much to Hildy's chagrin, her idiot brother, Finnick, is the leader of the council.

Even though Morliths attack from time to time, as we all know, they have never attacked our village in numbers. Yet now 100 Morliths are coming? For what reason? Esteemed guests, we do not know. We do know they're seeking one of the pieces of the Dread Aegis. The Gorlock literally just told us that in great specific detail.

Yeah, I didn't get all that. Gentlemen of the Council of the Elders Seven, what say you? Wait, wait, wait. Listen, why don't we just send Mirabelle's raven out to see what they're actually up to? This way we can better plan our defenses. My raven, Wondreth, is quite a fast flyer, and though she only speaks in song, she is very efficient. I speak only in song. The day is long. How

Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out, Mirabelle. It really does. Also, also, her songs barely have any rhymes. Have you ever heard of a rhyme scheme, Raven? What rhyme would you like to?

Gentlemen, irregardless of my respected sister statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these Morliths head on. Hey, wait, wait. Look, Zed, there are a hundred Morliths headed towards us, and your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them? Yes!

Oh, Hildy, Hildy, Hildy, my simple, sweet, younger sister, who I love with all of my heart. You just don't get it. Sometimes, as a man, you need to put on some armor, mount your horse, and go into battle to kick some butt.

Fucking ass. Men, please, please listen to me. Don't do this. We can make a better plan. At least you could take Gerd with you. She could defeat all seven of you in one battle. No way. I am strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight a hundred more or less with these soon-to-be-dead idiots. Watch your tongue, half-giant. Listen, I know we've had our differences, and I know that recently I...

I may have threatened to kill you. Repeatedly. Well, you deserved it. But you're also my brother, and I do love you. And if anyone's going to kill you, it should be me. So I'm asking you, please don't go. I must. We will return in victory. And then, free drinks of the shady cockerel for everyone. Men, to battle!

- -

Fennec leads the charge of the seven brave fools as they gallop up the hillside. If only they had heeded Hildy's warning, perhaps Mirabelle's raven, Wandereth, would have seen that the Morliths were not alone as they charged westward towards Mirabelle. No, they were led by a mighty Ur-dragon far from its home in Sha'adu. It is a size of 30 horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame.

The dragon sits on his rocky throne On the mountain top in quiet repose He gazes out into the night At his earthly realm His eyes aglow And you bravely climb the rock face With your sword of iron and your armor gleaming To bravely face the beast

All the townsfolk look up from low and say Are you fucking stupid? Fuck with a dragon, you death-wish-having moron Have you never read a storybook bathed in hot fire? And then he's gonna swallow you whole And he's gonna shit volcano Could have been avoided But you were the fool who thought he could fuck with a dragon You!

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The dragon blows her mighty breath of flame. And the men from Mirval are instantly incinerated. Oh no! My brother! My older brother is dead! In the distance, we hear the sound of 100 Morlith soldiers as they crest the hillside.

A sound that would chill anyone to the bone. Hey everyone! Get back to the shady cockerel! We'll bar the doors, Mirabelle, stop at your house and bring the forbidden potions. I'm not so sure about that Hildy, my potion abilities are not yet mastered. That's exactly what I'm counting on. Bring the absolute worst potions you can find. We'll need everything you have if we want to stay alive. Okay, I get you mate. Look, I'll be there in a jiffy. Into the cockerel! Put the kids and caregivers into the back room! No pushing or shoving please!

Can you please help me brace the door? Hildy, my very best friend, I see so many Morliths marching in such an evil manner. A large Morlith, the leader named Morlar the Strong, leads the charge. Leave none of them alive! We shall drink their deliciously yummy blood!

Hildy, they're close now. What do we do for his best friend? First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're gonna kick a little ass with our right. Whoa. That's cool. Very best friend. That sounded really cool. Thank you. I felt good about it. I say let them come for us!

They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men. No offense to the men, President, but we do need you to fight too. But you're, you know, you're not great, usually. Look there upon the bar. There are swords and shields for everyone. Not you. You know who I'm talking to. Nicholas, put it down. There were only 25 townspeople in the cockerel who were fit to draw weapons. Not enough. The Morliths entered the shady cockerels.

Morlar the Strong is in the lead. He looks disgustedly at the town folk, led by Hildy and her friends. This will be easier than I thought. Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men. Give the word, Captain! I want to drink blood!

Hildy looks at Morlaar the Strong. She wonders, what is he staring at behind the bar?

Gerd is attacked and swarmed by Morlith. Warhammer! Hammer! What?

Warhammer while you kill them well friend my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her families am I right Kildi now wields a sword in both hands She stabs and dodges the ever-growing crowd of Morliths yet She notices that Morlar the strong still isn't engaged in the fight. What's he doing? He's looking at that old scabber we had hanging back there

there behind the bar forever. What's a scabbard again, best friend? The sheath or the sword? Perda, I need your speed. Don't let him... Perda gracefully leaps towards the scabbard, grabbing it seconds before Morlar the Strong can clutch it in his huge, ugly hands. You stole what is mine. Now you die. Not today, because I...

Oh no.

Gerd, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a Morlith landing a strike to her mighty chest was really Purda underneath a Morlith, and she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrotum. Okay, you are now my second best friend. Hell yes! The one with the hammer is strong, my lord! Second wave!

As the rest of the moras heed the call for the second wave to enter the Shady Cockerel, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern. What is that? It's a woman. What's that on its face? It's a guest mask, mate. Mirabelle steadies herself, then closes the door to the Cockerel.

Kill her! It's funny really because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to womankind and as much as I hate to kill so many of anything well you're all unspeakably evil so bye bye mates. Mirabelle smashes the crystals to the ground releasing the dreadful poison into the air. Door closed inside! This is seriously wicked stuff and also it's a really hot

Morlar the Strong, face me! Oh, I shall. I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today. And Ur-Gorl the Horned One shall reassemble the pieces of the Dread Aegis, and all Golgoroth shall bend to his will. Morlar, our battle will live on in legend. The bards will sing of this class. Warhead!

Gerd strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar the Strong, smashing his head into a million pieces. Gerd! I'm just gonna kill him! I have a plan! Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morlifs flee like rats. We've won! We've won the- Um, Al? Wait, what happened? Uh, Morlar stabbed me a little bit.

Mirabelle, get in here! I can't! The air outside is still poison! Luckily you're inside with the door closed so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgorathian atmosphere! Kurt, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Kurt, grab the cloth! No! Not that one! The clean one! Am I dying, very best friend?

Am I dying? Very best friend. Let me look. Let me look. Oh, thank the gods. No. You're gonna have quite a scar, but you'll live. Especially if Mirabelle can give you a potion that's worth a shit. I'm going to come inside in ten, nine, ten.

This doesn't seem like science. You're just randomly counting down from ten saying it's safe. Three, two, one. And you skipped four numbers. Here I come. Mirabelle rushes in to the tavern. Good. Oh, my sweet good. Just a second, mate. Let me give you some potion. I should tell you, Mirabelle, that I've always loved you, my second or now third best friend. But I wish you were my first best girlfriend. Oh, okay.

Well, that's lovely. Okay, confession time. I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but you're not going to die, okay? Here, drink this. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait! Are you sure that that's the right potion? Of course I am. Oh, wait. Oh, actually no, no, don't drink that. Do not drink that. Damn it, Mirabelle, always double check. We've been through this, please. Oh my gosh, yeah, you're right, I know. I'm so glad that you said something, Hildy. She would have been a goner for sure if she'd drunk that. And then I'd be out of a new girlfriend. This one is the right one.

Gerd takes a sip of the potion and it tastes slightly less horrific than Mirabelle's usual potions. You are so brave. Let me kiss your cheek. Mirabelle does kiss Gerd's cheek. Whether it is because the potion actually has healing powers or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend flushes back to her mighty cheeks.

If I hadn't been so recently stabbed, I would call this day perfect. Thank goodness. It looks like you're going to be okay. I have to be honest. I don't think I could handle any more surprises today. With that, footsteps approached them. Hi, Hildy. What did I miss? Fennec? It's got to be me. It's my destiny.