Jay Leno
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Hey guys, it's David Spade here. Applause, applause, standing ovation. Everyone has been asking me where I go on tour, literally every single person in the world. So I'm playing the Venetian in Las Vegas with Nikki Glaser coming up in April. And then we do it three more times. Check davidspade.com. That's not a plug. It sounds like one. It's not. Anyway, have fun. Here we go. Bye.

Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah, I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing he wanted is your house guests to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

Christ sakes, you got the Mark Twain prize? That's a pithy moniker. I had 50 million in the SVB bank. I got 50 lost. Greatest mind of his generation with a cracker jack motif, okay? Went away with fucking Super Bowl. This is Liam Neeson. What the fuck does Adam Sandler have to do with Mark Twain?

If you don't tell me, I will kill you. And I have... Dana and I are doing Adam Sandler's Mark Twain. We'll just tell the audience. We will have just done Adam's Mark Twain Award. Yes, and we're coming up with jokes. We have to do stuff, fly out there and do stuff for him, and we don't know what to do. Dana's going to sing a song. You can probably do it. And then we're going to introduce Jay Leno. This is just a refrain. And Jay was great. Take me, Mark Twain, man. Mark Twain, man.

Hit me, Mark Twain. That's the catchphrase. That's the catchphrase. Don't give it all away. Probably bombed at the place we're going. No, we got to fly across country. Don't be scared. Don't be scared of wealth and money. We just want to make everybody happy. It's cold as ice. You can do it on guitar, too. Yeah. Paradise. And the feeling was so nice. Yeah. Cold as ice.

There's a lady I know. She ordered Amazon. You have to update it. She ordered Amazon. And they delivered her broccoli from HelloFresh. She brought it home. And even though it's 2040, she's chopping broccoli. She's old school. Chopping broccoli. Chopping broccoli.

People still have to take a sharpened object and chop the damn thing. Yeah. That's not from the 80s. Jay Leno is a great influence on comics. We grew up. No, I thought it was over. It was great.

That was great. We got all the chopped broccoli. Anyway. Jay came all the way in. He sat down right there. Jay Leno. Two broken ribs and a broken collarbone. He was not a complainer. He's old school. He's the ultimate not complainer. He's a super cool dude. He came in like a trooper. And he's a great storyteller. We had some great...

Rodney Dangerfield stuff, the time he opened for Bill Cosby at Harrah's. Yeah, that was a great, that was very interesting. And how Cosby was perceived at The Tonight Show. But, you know, we all grew up on Leno and he was one of the great comics and he knows all the SNL guys. He's on them all on the show. And he's just so tied into everything.

And we just wanted, and we, we seen him out and we said, come on and talk to us. And it's good to those shows that are just comedy. He's laughs. He says funny things. The connection really to SNL is so many of us were standups that got SNL Sandler, you, me on and on. And Jay loves standup. So does Jerry Seinfeld. So we do talk a lot about standup for anyone listening that might want to think about doing standup.

Jay is a master class in the technique and the attitude you need to become a successful stand-up. And Dana does impression of him to him. And Jay was like, yeah. Well, I did a low one. You know, I was trying these crazy, the Henderson neighbor boy, you know. They said he was caught by the police. One's like, you know what? Why do people think this? And then he goes down there. And I told him that he had those two gears. It's not just the high gear. Yeah. It's the bass guy too. The bass guy goes, okay.

What's going on here, Japanese guys? Yeah. Yeah, Japanese guys. Well, it's got two cylinders on it. It tops out about 30 miles an hour. I guess I can get one of those. You hear the engines going. But he was just the guy when we were coming up as a pure stand-up. He rode a motorcycle to the club. He had weird eyes, giant hair piled up.

And he was a big, big presence. Low maintenance guy. Yeah. Came over here, knocked it out. Everything's fine. Face was still on fire, which I thought they would have put it out by now. It was moldy, but he looked incredible. He looks really good. By the way, he's the only one in show business who doesn't have a rider. That's very Jay Leno. A rider backstage. A rider needs you. The people are booking you. You need a Diet Coke or you need some carrot sticks. Jay has no rider. That's my rider.

His Diet Coke, carrot sticks, slinky, Cheez-Its, and crack cocaine. And a link to you porn. And a woman named Susie with a yoga mat. And a gift certificate to the Purple Nurple. That's your joke. This voice is just funny for you kids. It doesn't have to be Johnny Carson. It's just a funny voice. Hello. It's Jimmy Cricket. Oh, I read for Jimmy Cricket. You did? Yeah.

Hey, come on, I'm Jiminy Cricket. Yeah, I had it perfect for an afternoon. I recorded it. No, sirree, I'm gonna live to be 93. Remember he used to sing that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a couple tunes. I love Jiminy Cricket. All right, here's Jay Leno, you guys. Here's Jay Leno, one of the all-times. Gentlemen, gentlemen, young people, young people. Welcome to the hot seat. Men of business, men of commerce, good to see you. Great to see you. I love Jay. Good to see you guys. Jay has interviewed me...

300 times. I know. That's right. But now... I know. Now we're going to see how hard it is. You guys are good on the after show. Oh, you saw that? Yeah, I thought it was good. Oh, the Netflix show. Because I was like, where's this going to go? Oh, it was a nightmare. It was a little tricky. No, I thought... I mean, it was awkward. It didn't look awkward. I mean, it was...

You were the two white comics. Yeah. What do you mean? And you address that in a funny way. Right. And you let them do the talking. Oh, yeah. No, I thought, I mean, it wasn't a matter of, you know, overpowering. No. You know, a lot of times when they put five comedians in a room with two, one is funny, five will be hilarious. No, it doesn't work. But that was funny. Everybody had something interesting to say. Oh, yeah. Right. Thank you. We had, you know, that was Rock's idea. He said it would be sort of fun to have this

You know, because they want to make the first live event a bigger event. They said, well, you know, it could be like a fight, you know, people talking before, people talking after. I couldn't really picture that, but they explained it more. And I go, yeah, we can just discuss it. You know, like what jokes worked, what didn't. I thought he was great. And he was great. And I was stunned at the reviews. They gave him some shit, yeah. Like, you know, old man rock yelling, get off my lawn. Yeah.

And people have no idea how long it takes to put an act together. Yeah. No, it's so difficult what he landed. I mean, they just think, oh, yeah, they're old-fashioned jokes, but they're great jokes. Well, I'm just tired of Netflix specials. Hey, Baltimore. Woo, yeah, Baltimore. Denver, Denver. And they're watching the clock. They know, okay, I got 58 more minutes. I got to fill. He had jokes every step of the way. Oh, yeah. He worked his ass off. That's what I liked about it. I liked that he went where no man. One of my jokes is,

I like that Chris went where no comedian is brave enough to go, Baltimore. Yeah, that was funny because when we did the after show, they wanted a nice mix. And what you just said, I wanted to jump back to is they said, it's you and Dana.

And we thought there would be no prep. We just said, oh, we'll just talk about after our initial reactions. And they said, oh, we'll have other comics join you. And I said, okay. I think our first thing was, don't get it too crazy. It's not like the Super Bowl halftime show. They said we could have like six other comics. I go, no, no, no, no. That's because no one's going to get to talk

And they want a nice mix. And, you know, Kareem has talked about Rock's situation before. Very interesting guy. You don't see a lot. I said, oh, that's great. He wants to come. And J.B. Smoove, we got to get him out of his shell. Right. And then if we can just prod him to chat. We needed him because it was like we're watching Chris and he's just really hammering that last 15 minutes. Don't ever fight in front of white people, Mike Trot.

And I just saw, you know, then it's like, hi, everybody. You know, it's just funny, really. Well, we had to acknowledge something. J.B. Smoove came and they brought the energy in. No, I thought it was very good. It was a nice transition. I said, what is this going to be? But no, it wasn't. What do you think? Everybody had something to say. Would you mind if I tweet your review? No, no. Yeah, you can tweet it. No, I think comics realize. Are we recording now? Yeah. We're always recording. This is like when you would come back.

before the tonight show and we'd kind of do with all your guests now now that's part of the show right so this is us backstage you can take out anything you want no um no i'm fine no that's fine there we go he knows his way around the microphone okay by the way i did like when you would come back at the tonight show and say hi because some people don't and i understand both ways but i thought it was fun that you did

Yeah, I always liked it because, I mean, that's how you get them to come back. Yeah, they have a nice experience. Yeah, people go, oh, okay. You're not going to bring them a cocaine bust. No, I got to ask you about it. I'll just ask you and you answer and you go, okay. Yeah, say whatever answer you want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to ask you. So, Jay, you look great. Why, thank you, thank you. But I'm just saying.

Blink. If someone told me your face didn't catch on fire, I'd go, sure, of course it did. I don't see anything. It's an all-new face. Yeah, that's good. You did an eight days. I missed two shows. See, I love that about you. And I knew when that happened, when your eyes opened from whatever they did to you, you'd be like, can I go to Cleveland? Well, now I got a broken collarbone. I got two busted ribs. I got two cracked kneecaps because I got...

clotheslined on my motorcycle. We heard about that. That's the scariest situation, to get clotheslined. Was it at night or just you went around a corner and there was a wire? No, I was riding, okay, you're a 72-year-old guy in an 83-year-old motorcycle. Okay, what could go wrong? So I'm going along, uh-oh, it's dripping gas. I don't want to catch fire again. 155. I catch fire again. Let me turn around. I turn around in a parking lot and the guy had

a wire across the parking lot with no flag, you know? And the sun was right here and boom, it just hit me. Oh my God, you take your head off. Right in your chest, neck area. Yeah, yeah. And then you went. Well, it cut my face again. So I called my face guy, I go, listen, you know the face, you gave me that new face, I got to get it fixed. What'd you do? I told him, I said, I drove up there and he fixed it again. So it's a brand new ear. That guy's good, dude. Well, what do you mean a brand new ear? I mean, the,

When you get burned in a fire, ears are like paper. There's nothing. It just goes up. So that just, boom. And they- Grafted from someplace else? Yeah. Well, I got a buddy of mine who's a moil. He gave me a bag of grafts and they worked out great. So you can't even- You look good. I'm telling you, Dana just said it and I was like, oh wait, you did do that thing. And-

And you fucking have all your hair, which is infuriating. Yeah, that's what I was thinking about today. I was thinking about young Jay coming on stage. You always had the motorcycle. Always had the motorcycle boots. Incredibly thick, high black hair. You're kind of like hulking. You're like 6'3".

Your eyes are- Well, consider I've only been six foot. I must have grown- Well, you had the motorcycle boots. Oh, the boots. I guess that would make it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have really Italian skin and then super pale blue eyes. Yeah. And then you'd come up, and people, when they do impressions of you, they'll sort of go to this brand of show. Right, right. But most of the time, you were this guy. Well, you know what's really bothering me today? Yeah, it's here. And it was very potent. And you only did that to break up that-

tenor to kind of talk to the crowd. Right, right. I don't understand. And then you bring the guy in, well, they said the Hennison boy, like, yeah, he only killed the guy. So anyway, that was my thing I was thinking today I wanted to tell you about. Oh, well, thank you. I appreciate that. But you, I saw you at the Ice House. I don't know what year, mid-80s?

I'd never seen anyone kill that hard. That was the first time I'd actually seen you fully dismantle the room. No, I'd seen you at one in California, I think at a theater. Well, you and I flew to New York for your audition. I got that on my notes. For what, SNL? Yeah, for SNL. By that point, I pretty much had it, I think. Yeah. And I was going to do it. And then we sat together. Yeah, yeah. And I remember you saying, are you sure you can do this? I don't think it's a good fit.

I just made that up. What did we talk about? What were you going to do, Letterman? I think so, yeah. Were you prepared? Yeah, that was my favorite. You know, Letterman was the first show where I could be myself. Because, yeah, I grew up in New England, and I would always call, thank you, Mr. Carson. Call me Johnny. What? I don't know.

I didn't grow up, you know, like come to California. Jay, these are my parents, Bob and Agnes. Well, how are you, Mr. Minichelli? I can't call you Bob and Agnes. You're my friend's, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And then with Letterman, I could go, Dave, nice tie. Or just, you know, just trash the set. Yeah, because you knew him for years. Yeah, yeah, which you couldn't do with Johnny. So that's why it was a great breakthrough. Well, that's why I would sometimes, I don't really know why, wear a T-shirt or this jacket and you'd be in a tie, but then one,

when you retired, whatever, every host was younger than me, we had a tie on. So then I started wearing a tie. Yeah. I'm too young to come out with a, you know, but yeah, I saw Jay when he was on, when I was just a little, I wasn't a standup and I was watching Johnny Carson and you know, there was Seinfeld, there was you and,

I think everyone at that age just loves comedy. Right. And so I wasn't thinking of being a comedian. But do you remember anything? I'm going to mangle this. It was after the Exxon Valdez oil spill. And you said, and you know, they were trying to save electricity in America. And I think you said, you know, they spilled six million gallons of oil and then they want us to save three cents a year by going to the bathroom in the dark. Right.

And I started laughing so hard. It was something like that. I do kind of remember that. And that's when I was like, I mean, you have a million sets you've done, but I thought, God damn it. And you've always had such economical, smart jokes that are just, and you're just about the mechanics and putting them together. Well, it is the economy of words, comedy, isn't it? Of course. The shorter it takes to get there. One word too much and it's done. That's what I liked about Chris' special. It just joked, joked, joked. Oh, it was solid. I'm just tired of these specials where,

People have done two already. They've committed to a third or a fourth. And they just go, what's up? How y'all doing? Yeah. Woo! Yeah, what else is up? You and Jerry are lockstep on that because when I did the coffee show with him in cars, he goes, you're here because you're special because you came out and just went right into the jokes. So you and he have such a- Well, I remember a comic I had on The Tonight Show. I won't say who it is, but- Bobcat. He had just done a special for one of them.

And I said, where are you going? I'm going on the road, you know, for the special. I said, wow, you got a new hour already? He goes, no, no. No, I do what I did in the special. I go, okay, you know, this is not... It's not the Eagles play Hotel California again. I mean...

If they just saw you, they will watch you the night before they go see you. And the next day, if you repeat even one way, he goes, no, I don't think so. Next time he's on the show, he's like, oh, man. Well, I just learned this, Dana. I just did a special. I haven't done very many. I did an HBO special back in during Just Shoot Me and SNL days. Didn't know how rare it was because HBO didn't do that many. Right. And there wasn't a Netflix one every week. And that...

It took me a while to rotate that material out. You know, I was doing other stuff. It's hard to, it wasn't my number one job at that point. And then getting back into it, it took me a while to say, okay, if I do a special, by the time it gets out, you better be ready. And that's very hard because it came out in two months. So I've rotated stuff.

And I'm probably about 80% new, but that 20%, some love to hear it and some have a problem with it. Right. Yeah. Cause they, they watch it again. You know, that's why I've never done one of those. I did one back in the eighties. I owned it. I put it on and then I burned it. And I said, that's it. Isn't comedy surprise part of it? Yeah. So if you've seen the master's gone, nobody can run it again. What about the McDonald's trainee bitch?

because that was the one. What was that one? I don't know. You were doing a McDonald's riff. This is you at the ice house levitating the room, which I call complete destruction. Some of the guys, the trainee, like he doesn't want to make a milkshake or something, but it was just, it's just with such. I know that's not it.

But you didn't just do jokes. You would bring jokes together, and you did act-outs, too. You know what I mean? You did that character talking, and so you had a lot of different tools, but you're always great at jokes. Also, someone like Jay doesn't need a special because I'm on your side on that one for you because you always sell out. You always do well, and that's sort of the point of a special is to get people out. Well, I had the advantage of The Tonight Show. You're doing a monologue every night, and you never repeat that material because it just—

That's too bad. Hey, how about Reagan's trip to Pittsburgh? You can't be on the road. Dick Cheney, what's that all about? You stumble into some good jokes and monologues, and that's a bummer because you're like, oh, this would do great. I know. Sometimes you get so good with it. Go ahead. Sorry. Where were we? Go ahead. Oh, just do you ever get people yelling out for old bits because they were kind of hit so hard? Maybe once or – but not so much anymore. No, no. I don't know.

So you have essentially the same, your core act is still the same and you just add little things to it. Basically, you add some track. I mean, because people, they go, boy, I saw you last year, you got all new material. No, I don't. You just have a bad memory. Yeah. You know. They don't. If they watch it three times on, like I remember getting the Bob and Ray album. Remember the- Oh yeah, Bob and Ray. With the-

Komodo Dragon. Must have played that a hundred times. It just made me laugh every time. Then there's another person, oh, it's the same thing. You know, sometimes when I go to the comedy store and I'm with people and I see Sebastian, I see someone, I say, oh, I hope he does these ones that I heard once. And I think they'll think they're funny. So that's sort of, I feel a little bit of that

And it's odd that it's different than the bands because you've heard those songs, but you love to hear them. So it's a different genre. I understand. I think you did one. Oh yeah. Did you say, here's an old joke. I don't know why I'm just bringing up old jokes. But when he says, you say you go stay at your parents' house.

at Thanksgiving and you see Matlock, you watch Matlock with him, and then you come back a year later and see the only rerun of the only Matlock you've ever seen in your life is playing the next time you go. - Wasn't Matlock for a long time just a funny word? - It's a great funny word. - And a funny reference, watching Matlock. - I'm so mad it's gone. Mannix was good, Matlock. - Matlock. - Instant laughs. - Comedy words. - What was I gonna say about that?

Oh, Matlock. You know, Mannix, that guy, Mike Connors. Yeah. He was a great guy. You know, he came to the show a couple of times. I remember he was the first show. Remember his secretary Peggy was African-American? Okay. And CBS came to him and said, you got to get rid of the African-American girl. Southern affiliates are not happy. They don't want to have a black person on TV. Geez.

And he refused. He said, well, I went through the show. You know, I always thought that was, and this was in the mid-60s when, well, of course you fire her. What are you talking about? And he didn't. That's cool. You know, so he was, yeah, he was quite a guy. He was a great guy. He used to have that, he used to have a Tornado with the roof cut off. It was painted gold. You know, it looked like one of those superhero cars. And when he'd follow somebody, he'd get below the seat, like, you know, like...

Here's this gold projectile behind you. He's trying to be incognito. What about Cannon? Oh, this is going way too back. Cannon. Yeah, I remember Cannon. Cannon was the funniest. He was sort of an overweight. Sort of overweight? Well, the thing with Cannon was the criminal would run down the alley and he'd always run on the driver's side so Cannon could open the door. Yeah.

And that's fashion, man. Every week they did that, yeah. Oh, the 70s. Did you ever have like movie stars come on from your youth when you were hosting a Tonight Show that was sort of special in a way? I got to do a sketch with Robert Mitchum once. Yeah. It was kind of a surreal trip, you know? Yeah. I remember I had, what's his name? Charlton Heston? No, no. He played, he did the Bond, not. Roger Moore. Roger Moore. Yeah. You know.

So he can, oh, hello, Jay. So I understand you like to travel. Yes, yes, I travel. Oh, where do you go on vacation? India. Oh, India, well, that's quite a trip. No, not really. Well, how do you get there? We drive. You drive to India? Yes, yes, it's very pleasant. From where? And now he's getting annoyed. Well, from my home, of course. Well, I'm thinking, how do you get there? I look at Debbie, she's going...

I don't know. What's going on? I said, well, how do you drive to India? Well, it's about two hours. Two hours to India. I suppose. He says, yeah. And then I realized he was saying Indio, California. The whole time? The whole time. But he pronounced it India. I'm like, oh, well, it's a beautiful country. He's going, well, yeah. I don't know if it's the country. Very hot. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes. You know, he should come see me in Morongo. Yeah, yeah.

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I like your cars. I don't know if Dana. Well, let's go back to the beginning. When did you realize, like, I don't know why they have this phrase. One of my sons, he thinks he's as into cars as you are. People call them car nuts. I don't know why. But when did you realize cars? Because my son, when he was two and had little cars, it was over.

Can you remember the first time you became fascinated? Was it a model of a car? Well, anything that rolls, explodes, and makes noise was, you know. It's fun for kids. If you ever do an album, that's it. Anything that rolls. Well, it's different now because, you know, when I was a kid, it was your only escape. I mean, now, you know. It's virtual. Kids are in the room, you call your girlfriend. Hey, send me a naked picture. Okay, great. You know. In my day, I had to...

First, you had to get to the girl's house, make sure her parents weren't home. Right, sneak in the window. Somehow convince her to take her clothes off. Get the Polaroid. Take the picture, and then go to a drugstore three towns away where the druggist didn't know your parents to get the pictures developed. It sounds like a sense memory here. Yeah, and then we got the pictures back. There'd be black parts over all the good stuff. Oh. Yeah, that's what it used to be when I was a kid. Oh, yeah, yeah. You mix in a few skateboarding ones. Yeah, that's right. Did you have toy cars before?

before you got real ones? I suppose I did. You had that toy car. Yeah. I had that SSP where we sent some. Yeah, I had those. I had those. I had a go car. But I grew up in a rural area. When I was 12, there was a car left by the side of the road and we took it back.

and got it running and I would drive it around my backyard. My mom would stand at the kitchen window and watch us driving around our- And how old were you? 12. 12, you know. Yeah. Now, of course, child services would come and your parents would be arrested. Arrest your parents. Yeah. Oh, my mom would have been in jail. Yeah, yeah. Because every, just because she let us-

Walked a 7-Eleven. Yeah. And it's funny, you were saying something about Mannix. When I moved to LA, it was, I'm jumping around, but it was very odd to see a superstar from a movie

out of the show. I saw him on 7-Eleven or something, or you see like a guy from Chips and you're like, wait, are you a real person? Even though I'm older, I should know this. I don't really get what they're doing in real life. And I don't like it really. You couldn't stop looking. I saw Michael Landon when I was 10 in a restaurant. It was like surreal. Well, I was at Boston airport and I saw Art Garfunkel.

And I hid behind a pole. I don't know why. Why would you hide from our guy? I'd stick my head out. And if he saw me, I'd duck back and go, why am I doing this? It's hard to imagine you like that. You've been famous for so long. I'm an assassin. But then this was when I was a teenager. It was like, oh, that's a famous. I mean, when I first came to town, I landed in L.A. and I took a cab.

until the money ran out. He dropped me off at Sunset and Western. And I was trying to get to the Comedy Zone. I walked all the way back. Oh, that's a hike. And I was going through, not quite lost, up near where the... Hollywood sign? No, you know that Scientology place that's out there? Oh, yeah. What do they call that area? The Celebrity Theater. That's Beachwood Canyon. Beachwood Canyon. And I saw the guy from McHale's Navy there.

Ernie Borgnine. No, not Borgnine. Oh, Tim Conway. No, no. The other one that used to do the bad magic act. What was his name? Do you know who I mean? Larry Storch? No, no, not Larry Storch. But he was having a garage sale. And I went, that's the guy from McHale's Names.

And I go, wow, how am I going to make it? He's on TV. How am I going to make it? And he's selling his crap at a garage sale. How old were you when you came to LA? 21, I guess. And you'd already graduated college? No, I came while I was still in college. And you studied speech, right? Do you think that helped you get better? No, I only took speech because... But you had to get up in front of the class and give speeches. No, I took it because the...

With the syllabus, I think I said, at the end of the semester, each student required to give a 20-minute talk. That's why I can do that. But other guys go, oh, 20 minutes. Oh, man, I'm not taking that. I said, we just got to talk for 20 minutes? How hard is that? So that's what I did. I had no interest in speech. And did you get laughs? You probably got laughs. Got a few laughs. You know what I did? I remember memorizing a George Carlin routine, and then I

I never said his material on stage, but I said it in my mind. And then when I got on stage, I put my own stories in. And when I was in school, you know, I remember going, okay, Carlin did the class clown. Oh, I see. And then I went, I kind of timed it, you know, I was off stage. So anyway, when I was in school and then I just put my own stories in and that kind of worked a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Did you get messages earlier than that? Like when you're in fourth grade, fifth grade, that you were a class clown, funny, you know,

Yeah. That maybe I should do this. There were two jokes. I remember my first joke was in the fourth grade, Mrs. Allen, where she's talking- Mrs. Toit. Oh, yeah. She was talking about Robin Hood and how cruel the sheriff of Nottingham was. And when he captured Robin Hood, he'd boil him in oil. And I remember putting my hand up and I said-

You know why he did that to Tuck? And she said, no, why? Because he was a friar. You call him Tuck, which helps too. Yeah. So it gets kind of a laugh, you know, and she goes, all right, all right, settle up. But I could see she was like smiling while she was admonishing me. And then later after class, I'm walking in the hall and I see one of the male teachers come out of the male lounge. Hey, Leonard, come here. What'd you say about the Robert? I said,

I said, oh, a friar. He's a friar. Oh, that's what it was. Oh, yeah. I went, oh, she repeated my joke. Wow. That is cool. And then I learned not to be a prop comic. I met my friend Joel and I. We had to do a skit and I wrapped him in bandages and I wheeled him in on a hand cart like he was a mummy. Yeah. And it said like 2000 BC on his chest. Yeah.

And one of the stooges there goes, what's that number on his chest? All right, so that's the license plate of the truck that hit him.

You know, I got to laugh. But we had no more material. That's it, yeah. My friend is wrapped in bandages and, okay, thank you. I had a box of props because Robin had them. So for a while, and it was a pain in the ass. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I couldn't write any jokes. So I had props. I remember I used to do a bit with sunglasses. And one time I went on stage, I didn't have a glass. And I go, okay, that's it. I'm not going to be dependent on props. I had a Gumby doll.

And I'd hold it up and I, ladies and gentlemen, Gumby, this is how bad my material was. And I would pull the legs apart and go, ah, got a big laugh. I saw Carrot Top once sweating it out at the luggage, just staring. And I'm like, if his stuff doesn't fucking come down, he doesn't go on tonight. I know. I know. That is the problem. I love the idea of you fly there, you land at 745, it's six minutes to the theater, you

You get four minutes, you go, I got to kill four minutes before I go on. Kill four minutes. You know what I mean? Well, it's just the mic stand and then you walk out. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Nothing. No rehearsal, no sound check. They can't believe it, can they? The crew's like, you need me, Jake? Tell Joe, get Jack. So do people understand that that is your mantra? Well, one time I did a gig in Maine and a guy had, he had taken a church and converted it into a nightclub. Mm-hmm.

And he said, I didn't get your rider. I said, you know, I'm not a rider guy. I don't want to be one of those red M&M guys. I said, I don't need anything. You don't need anything? I'm fine. Okay. I get there. Okay, where's the mic? The guy goes, well, you said you didn't need anything. I need a mic. You're kidding, really? He said, you didn't need anything. I said, well, I mean, you don't have a house sound system? He goes, no, we bring it in free jack.

How y'all doing? Oh my God. So I just had to shout. I just shouted. Okay, from now on, I want adequate sound system. That's my rider. Adequate, yeah. Mr. Microphone. Yeah. If you saw my rider, you'd beat me up in the park. You'd have a love for him. But it's the agents and stuff that make the rider. So in case they show up every two years, they have roast beef sandwiches. Yeah, exactly. But you always pay. I always love acts that have no idea they're paying for that vegetable plate.

Yeah. You know, they decided to eat it. Yeah. You paid for it. What are you talking about? That was $48. What are you talking about? It's just a couple of pieces of salami. No, no, that's $48. Yeah. They always come in sad. They go, this weekend, they're like, Mr. Spade, sorry, the tortilla chips weren't blue. I go, well, I mean, I'll eat them, but I'm not happy. I've had college kids rush them. We only have three towels. Oh,

Oh yeah. Towels. My writer says four towels. I never said I needed it. Comics are drenched in sweat. We only have three towels. That's my whole thing. Try not to be a pain in the ass and I'll have you back. By the way, that, that, uh, comedy magic club, I know you, you just still do it. And I think you still do it. And, uh,

Yeah, been there since 1978. Such a great club. And I swear, I just do not want that club to ever go away because it's so many memories and such a great place, great crowds, great backstage. Well, the nice thing is it has a...

unwritten rule. Say whatever you want, but, you know, don't, it's not, you know, sometimes I go in the comedy store and you have to be a gynecologist to follow the, you know, well, where is that on the girl? I don't even know where that is. What is that on the girl? Squirting and things. Yes, I know. But I mean, it's just so, and then what happens is you wind up losing a

a portion of the audience that's sort of been tainted. I like comedy magical because it's just regular people from around the country. Sometimes they're at LAX. Oh, I heard about this comedy club. So they're from all around the country, but they have a normal sense of what is appropriate. You can do R. When it gets like triple X, it's like, okay, now you got it. Right, because you have the comedian, then you have a magician. Right.

And then you follow the magician. Do you have any funny stories following a magician? Because I have a couple. No, no. Well, tell me. Well, it was just Great Scott, I think was his name. Yeah, yeah. And he had the birds in his jacket. You see him getting ready and he's putting his pink. I don't want to know. And his jacket is stuffed.

Well, one night he's bringing them out and then they fly to the cage. He went like that and it was either suffocated or not. It just laid there. The other thing is you're about to go on. He's saying goodnight and he puts the birds, they fly and they go in the cage and then they lower it down. He takes the thing off. Hey, they've disappeared. They're all squished in the bottom. They're alive, but it's birds. And then you go, ladies and gentlemen, Dan O'Flarfo. Yeah, I remember working with, I remember this magician was out in front of me.

And his first five minutes was awful. And I said, you know, your last couple of jokes are pretty funny. Why don't you put those in the front? Oh, no, no. Because I know nobody listens when you first get on stage. So I do my worst material up front. I go, well, that doesn't get them to listen. And the guy never went anywhere. And he never went anywhere. Yeah, yeah. A lot of guys telling you things, you kind of go, and then they disappear. I know, I know.

because the act is so filthy, you know, and they kill. Right. And then they go, why aren't I headlining? Or crowd work. They get dependent on crowd work. Yeah, yeah. And then one night there's not a very good crowd to have fun with and NBC's there and goes up and plays. Yeah, I mean, you're there to work. Write joke, tell joke, get check. Write joke. This is for the kids listening right now. Write joke, tell joke. It gets into the simplest thing because you can really trick yourself out. I've seen a lot of self-destruction, a lot of not,

Comedians do anything to get out of writing a joke. Yeah. I'm doing a special where I just, I interview people about the news and talk about their problem.

Yeah, but you're a comedian, you know, they don't, yeah. The comedy special now is a wider net. It's not just tell jokes. It's obviously turned into. Authenticity. I will do this. I will do this. And if there's no jokes, the applause, you know, they're more revered. Yeah. By the critics because they're like, oh, this guy didn't tell one joke. This was unbelievable. I guess so. I mean, I don't love it. Believe me, it's not my thing. You know what I mean? It's like, I see a lot of comics and.

They're talking about their inner this or something. Their inner this. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is not going to work at the sand and gravel convention. Okay. Sand and

You're talking about, you know, I'm really seeing myself. Shut up, tell a joke. Yeah. That's why I always loved Rodney. You know, I knew Rodney 40 years. I have no idea who he voted for. I don't know if he's a Republican or Democrat. It was just jokes. Walkout crush. But it was so many jokes around the motif of the saddest life ever. Yeah. I mean, he may, I'll watch him on YouTube sometimes just.

just at night. I'm like, makes me laugh harder now because the, just the idea of him and his delivery and the amount of great jokes. And that he's. My favorite job is just that he says, uh,

I walked past a nightclub. It's a topless and bottomless. I went in. There was nobody there. My wife showed up at the front door on a negligee. She was coming home. I mean, he had so many of those. And to memorize them all and move that quickly. I'll tell you a Rodney story. I had him on the Tonight Show in 2004. And he goes out. He's in his 80s. And hey, I'm okay today, but last week, you know. And I noticed he's sweating more than normal.

And I said to Debbie, I said, my producer, I said, I think Rodney's having a stroke. Call paramedics. She goes, I don't think so. I go, no. He was off enough that I wouldn't, you know, the hand wouldn't come all the way up to the tie. You would just sort of get close. We used to go, oh, I tell you. And I thought, he just seemed a little up. So then he came over in the panel. He sat down and really sweaty. And okay, then the show ends. It's fine.

And by that time, the paramedics show up, you know? And I go, Rodney, can the paramedics take a look at it? I think maybe he had a stroke. He goes, no, I'm fine. Well, he did have a stroke. Whoa. And they took him out in a stretcher. Okay. Then a couple weeks later, I get a call from Joan. She says, Jay, Rodney's in a coma. You got to come out to the hospital. All right, so I go out to the hospital. Rodney's lying there with his eyes open. And Joan says, yeah.

Listen, he can hear us. The doc says he can hear us, but he can't respond. So I'm telling him how much we love him and how great he was to all his comics and letting us work his club and all this kind of stuff. So then Joan says to me, Jay, put your finger in Rodney's hand. She goes, Rodney, if you know it's Jay, try and squeeze his finger. So it felt just a hint of a squeeze. And I went, Rodney, that's not my finger. Yeah.

So then, so Rodney's shoulders go like this. And John goes, he moved! He moved! And we all started laughing. Oh, that's funny. His shoulders went up. He died right after that. But it was, I mean, just to get a laugh from Rodney, just to get a reaction from him.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. He's so sweet. I met him in New York. I was nobody. I hadn't even done the Mickey Rooney show. Hey, you having fun? You having fun? You having fun? You know, you see you get to the mid-50s, you're like, you got to have some fun at this. You can't just be tortured the whole time. Oh, I remember my wife and I lived in the storeroom at Dangerfields. Well, all the cans of- What? You lived in the store? Well, I was there for two weeks. So that's where we stayed because we couldn't afford a hotel. Stay here.

Literally here. Living the story. I like he's the only guy that started wearing a robe at 49 and just never went back to clothes. Oh, yeah. Everyone visits him and he's like, he's wearing a robe. I know. And it's always open. Robbies. Yeah.

He called me. He wanted to do the church lady. Oh, come on. I think it was Ladybug or some movie he was doing. Oh, Ladybug. Oh, come on. You give me a lot of stuff. I'll come back at you. Anyways. Oh, he would come on and do the church lady in the movie? No, no, on SNL. Oh. To promote the movie. Well, he was the only guy to fire comedian-

from his special because they weren't dirty enough. He said, you're too clean. You got to dirty it up a little bit. The comics, I don't have any dirty stuff. All right, you're on. He had the old specials for people listening that were very big and they'd have comics on them up and coming, right? Yeah, yeah. Kennison, Saget. Right, yeah, yeah. A lot of people. And a lot of them blew up from that because that was the only game in town. Kennison was a pretty remarkable game.

You know, great comic, truly an original. Oh, yeah. Hard to do. One of the meanest guys around. I mean, really pretty nasty. If you got along with him, it was okay. If you're an enemy, boy, it was... Yeah, I would just hear stories and, you know...

And he would come to the comedy store with Coke and a gun. And I remember being backstage and I'm going, you know, I don't want to be here when the cops come. I'm a comic. I don't want to get arrested, you know. So I just stopped going to the comedy store because he was a bit like that. What is that animal that the horns grow when they curve and they grow into your own head and they drive you crazy, you know. Because he was, I mean, once he had that hilarious bit on necrophilia.

But after you do that, where do you go? I mean, he was generally really funny in that

primal scream he would give out. Like the Wicked Witch or something. Yeah, but I mean, but it really came from a frightening play because, I mean, if you do it, it's a funny scream. This is like, oh my God, it was almost. No, and then he would follow with the cackle. Yeah, yeah. You know why there's no God? And you take off his beret and he's bald. And he's screaming and pointing at his head. He was a preacher from Oklahoma or something. He was really funny, but

really dark. Burned out quickly, yeah. I would like your opinion on, speaking of great comics, was Rickles in a way the funniest guest to have on The Tonight Show? Is he funny with you? Don Rickles. Rickles was obviously Rickles was great, but the trouble near the end was, well, near the end, we had to, well, not the last couple, we had to edit it because he would come out and he'd look at the man and go, and Kevin's stealing the hubcaps, you know.

And the band was mostly black, you know, and they would just go, oh,

I mean, Kevin didn't go along with this at all. He was just like, yeah, so we have to kind of edit it. So there was a lot of that, you know, and a black guy and a white guy. And his act. I just liked his stuff that was no real joke. Ed does another show start, give him a cookie and put him in the corner. Right, right. Give him a cookie, put him in the corner. Right. Like, where's the joke? Well, to me, the funny part was that was something I learned.

You can't swear on TV, so come up with something that's funnier than a swear word. Yeah. Like I remember on Letterman, I would say, Dave would go to the, I remember doing a thing about going to the carnival and there'd be some sort of shirtless, syphilitic druid running the machine. And Dave would go, shirtless, syphilitic druid. That's right, David. And the druids, are they in? Oh, yeah, they're all. Right. And we'd go off on a tangent and we'd have a lot of funny material. But rather than just calling somebody an asshole. Mm-hmm.

Come up with a funnier word. I was never offended by obscenity in comics. I was just, you got something more creative? I mean, got something else? I mean, it's not a punchline, but a lot of people just use it as a punchline. Well, I see young comedians, and they're using, because we were PG-13, they're using fuck a lot, not even as a punchline. And I said, and then they get to a joke, and that is the punchline. So you've already used up all the fucks. You can't. You've got to save them at least. It's hard to follow. Newhart came in to...

see somebody at a comedy store, another up-and-coming person who became quite famous. And I'm sitting there with him, you know, and the guy goes out, this guy, whoo, huge applause, comes on stage. He goes, where are you from? Guy goes, Denver. Fuck Denver. Whoo, huge laugh. And Bob Newell looks at me, straight face. I don't get it. I don't get it. Where are you from? Boston. Fuck Boston. Whoo.

People laugh. He goes, I don't get it. Well, it's only funny that it gets so bad. It's like that's his act. He was the funniest to me. I remember one of my favorite lines when I was a kid. He had a bit about –

the first astronaut to make extraterrestrial contact in space with an alien. So he does the whole thing about the astronaut landing. There's a press conference. Someone says- This halting delivery. Yeah, yeah. Someone says, how far ahead of us are these aliens?

And Huwok goes, about six weeks. And you realize it's the perfect, because two weeks you can catch up to, six months we'll never get here. But six weeks is never quite the time. Maybe we haven't shot. It was just so subtle. It's just like a slider. A slider. How far ahead of us? About six weeks. And I think Ellen was really influenced by that. She had to talk to God. Yeah.

Yeah. Bit that was brilliant and like five minutes long and Newhart would get on the phone and do King Kong. He's a rather large monkey, whatever. Right, right. It was just written so well. And Ellen had sort of stammer too. Yeah. So it feels like it's spontaneous. I remember bringing Johnny in to see Ellen. Yeah.

because I had told her about him. He said, I'll come down. So he came down to the improv and watched her. Johnny came down? Yeah, yeah. I saw here it says Steve Martin. Johnny's so mysterious. Like, I did Johnny out in public because he was just. Yeah, Johnny Carson. I read this that Steve Martin was the first one to introduce Johnny to Jay at one of your gigs. So I couldn't believe, A, Steve Martin's involved, and Johnny came to the clubs. I didn't even think of that. Oh, he did. Yeah, I remember Altman used to do Carson.

Oh, Jeff Altman. Yeah. And so Johnny came down to the comedy. So I snuck around back. Well, almost on stage. He went on stage and tapped him on the shoulder. Altman turned around. I mean, he was like, oh my God, I'm going to get fired. Well, I never get to show. I mean, he looked like frightened to death. Sure. It was hilarious. It was hilarious. Johnny liked comics. He really liked comics.

a lot, you know. Didn't like Bob Hope. He would always rail on Bob Hope. Hilarious. Because Bob Hope never accepted that Johnny had the throne at some point. No, it wasn't that. It was the fact that Johnny hated the fact that every joke Bob Hope had was written. Right. That he never ad-libbed anything. I'll tell you a funny Bob Hope story. I had him on the show. He was close to 100. And he wouldn't wear his hearing aids. He wouldn't wear glasses. Yeah. Okay, so...

He goes, I got 10 jokes, Jay. You just ask me and I'll give you the answer. Okay. He said, but he couldn't hear him. He just had the punchline memorized. So we're going to have Bob. Hey, Bob, what do you think of so-and-so? Blah, blah. Big laugh. Go, this is working. Hey, Bob, how about so-and-so? Blah, blah. Big laugh. Blah, blah. I get to the third one and I went, oh, man, that was funny. Blah, blah.

Okay, now we... He's on the punchline to the next joke. So it comes off like he's seen it. Now you're one behind. Yeah, so we had to just edit because we're one behind. I remember once...

being in the hall at NBC, and I see these guys walk by with a cue card, literally the size of your backdrop, with hello written on it. And because Bob Hope couldn't see. But what happened was they would drop the cue cards right in front of Bob, and his hair would go...

So every time he told the joke, you'd see his hair move. Because the cue card came down and the wind would go. Because the card was like a giant fan. It was so huge. Yeah, it's really funny. When you hosted SNL, you probably could have done it any time, but it says you did it in 86. Was it a fun experience or just something to do, right? I liked it. I was amazed how unsupportive other writers were. Like I remember being in rehearsal and I said to somebody,

It didn't get many laughs. I think, oh, no, the writers don't laugh at the other guy's stuff. I go, really? That just seemed really competitive. Yeah, especially. I mean, to the point of pitting one. I mean, I learned that when I hired writers on my show. I just said, look, you're hired for a year. Don't worry about 13. Just write whatever you want, okay? And give it to me, and I'll try to make a joke out of it. So you have five guys write essentially the same joke.

And each one thought they did the punchline, you know? Yeah. And when it just made more comfortable, everybody wasn't on pins and needles. I just remember being in that. It seemed like such a pressure cooker that, well, you did it. You know what I mean. I did it. Dana, 86, were you there or you came right after? I came fall of 86. You went on in February 86. So you were at the cast the year before with Randy Quaid and this and that. It was kind of a difficult year. But yeah, it's a Game of Thrones thing. If you're all around a table, it's...

In comedy, stand-up, you're going to get your set, your friend gets his set. But sometimes your friend's skit goes on and they have no room for yours. It's inherently a very bizarre situation. Right, right. But the idea that I wouldn't laugh at your joke because it's, you know. It's like I see that now. It's why I took politics out of my act.

Because you do a Biden joke and they wait for the punchline. Is this pro or against, or it's against Biden? Okay, they wait to hear which way the joke is going. It's tricky. I just try to make it so silly that there's no point. Right, exactly. That's the thing, it's the Pirates of the Caribbean. I think now they just either take attack against Trump

And it's a little easier to go because Trump was getting laughs just while he's running. Well, Trump supporters know he's funny. Yeah. And a little unhinged. I mean, he's just funny. You used to be able to say, you hear Trump today and they start laughing. So once that got hooked in, some just gave up on the other side. Just said, if I can just make fun of this guy, it's just always going to get laughs. Right.

They don't play it as equal as you used to do, or even Johnny. You know, it was really- Well, it's so funny. We used to get- There's no venom. We used to get kudos because you made fun of both sides equally. Yeah. That's right. Now you get attacked because, hey, pick a side, you know. Well, no, it's not my job. Here, let me do it that my Trump I do now for you, because it'll be like going back in time. This would be the bit that would be on your card. Right. So trying to ride the middle, Trump always sounds like he's pitching a family vacation. Right.

We're going to be doing a lot of things, let me tell you. We're going to be going a lot of places. You're going to like it. You're going to love it. Many people don't want to go, but we're going to go anyway because we all know how to go and we can do it all the time. And so that would be an example of just anyone who likes Trump or hates Trump just knows that's funny. Just sounds like him. Because he never uns...

It doesn't have a subject matter. It's all just, he can just keep going. Yeah. I do the same thing. Like I said, there's this thing. I saw this political science professor on the news. He said he'd analyzed all of Donald Trump's speeches and they said Donald Trump talked at a fifth grade level or below.

And when they told Trump this, he called the professor a duty head. And it's such a silly, stupid joke. Same thing. I think it's a little easier, my observation, conservatives maybe not are as serious. And people, my friends- Oh, conservatives are very, laugh at themselves more than Democrats. It's all very, hey, wait a minute, you know, what?

Why are you making fun of him? He said, no, I'm on your side. Don't worry about it. It's a joke. I would do George W. Bush in Texas and they would be laughing their ass off. Yeah, yeah. But it's fun to try to make the liberals laugh when they can't not laugh. Right, right. You know, I wanted to ask Jay about the, not to interrupt you, Dana, we were talking on panel a second ago because you were saying that's a bit, I think people at home,

don't know how hard it is to go on a talk show. It's called panel when you sit and talk to the host or how it's a little bit constructed and they think everyone just walks out and just starts talking. Right, I know. And it's supposed to look like that. And I think everyone is still bluffed that it is like that. You should have my uncle on. He's really funny. What does he do? He's really, just have him on. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not going to put your uncle on. What does he do? No, it's really good. And they never tell you what it is. Because don't you run into problems with,

I probably bigger stars that just say, Hey, I'm thinking of a few names. I won't say, but,

They don't do a pre-interview, but they're going to be great. Right, yeah. And it's always tough, right? Yeah, they never are. You just never know what you're getting. And I think people at home go, oh, this guy's a superstar. But to extract – and it's always – unfortunately, it leans toward comedy. Like, they like a funny story. Of course, they like it lighter and this and that. Usually, they plug a movie. They have to talk about the movie and that sort of flatlines forward. I always like it when they –

write it out first and then memorize it. And you can tell it's written. So I exclaimed, okay, no, first of all, you don't exclaim. Nobody, nobody exclaimed, you know, but I mean, they write it out and then they, they memorize it as it's written, you know. You remember the time, I think it was Joaquin Phoenix, who I love. I think it was, I mean, was he telling you a story about his motorcycle broke down or was it Keanu or somebody? It was Keanu, I think, yeah. And then he goes, I broke down and this, and you go, did you ever go back and get it? And he goes,

I don't know, Jane, you go, did this happen to you? And he goes, no, it's my friend's story. He told me he tried to act like it was his story, but he goes, I didn't know what to talk about here. And, but that's sort of let people in on. Oh, I had Joaquin Phoenix on the show. It was a pain in the ass. Um,

He was into that cool- Performance. Oh, he was doing it, I think, back then. Yeah, yeah. And at the end of the show, I said, well, listen, good seeing you. I hope you can come back sometime and do it in person, you know? Do it in person. You know, so his manager or somebody, he is a genius, don't you understand? I said, it's a joke. I said, well, don't come back. I don't care. He was terrible. He didn't try. He was too cool for the room. You always get that. That's my favorite guest to go. Doesn't I have to leave after my-

They can't spare 20 minutes. They leave. And then I come off. And they're still backstage talking in the hall. I said, you know, you could have been out there interacting with the other guests. Well, my manager said it's better if it looks, people think you have somewhere to go. Oh.

All right. I just felt it was rude to go on and not be prepared. I know, yeah. And you would always thank me, and I maybe think, well, isn't everyone doing this? You go, yeah, thanks for preparing. Everything matters. Steve Martin said, I used to watch Steve Martin say, works on it, Martin Short works on it. You just go, everything's an audition. Some people might have seen me for the very first time I go on your show. Yeah. And if you don't bring something, if you're sort of riding on your last movie, they'll go, this guy's not funny. Yeah, that's what I always...

A lot of times I'll go to flappers and I'll talk to comics and I'll go, I've never done the same set twice. I pride myself. Well, that's why it's not really that funny. It's not working. It's a matter of just...

paring it down. It's Groundhog Day. You keep getting the best version of it that you can. Make it tighter and tighter. Do you have bits that live for a while and then all of a sudden you think of two more tags? And then you do the bit. To me, it becomes very new if you just add something. Right, right. It's like, oh, this feels new. They expand. Feels brand new. Exactly. I tell more stories because there's, in my case, uh,

I'm not the most innovative comedian. Oh, yes, you are. That when you do stories about your life or yourself, it's harder to sound like someone else. Yeah, and nobody else can steal it. Yeah, and you're just doing like, this is my interpretation of, but even if I did, Dennis Miller did a 7-Eleven joke. And when I started, they're like, don't do jokes about Jeopardy or 7-Eleven or McDonald's.

And I go, well, if you're doing the same joke, don't. But like Dennis has his angle on it and it's funny. And then if you put your spin...

It seems to be, it still works to me because they're common denominators. That's the people forget. That's why they do those jokes. I did a Jeopardy bit. And when I used to do props like this, this hack over here, Dana, you were a big prop back. Oh, I had, I had a trunk. I had a, I had a suitcase. And so I had a mini xylophone, right? Like a kid's one. Right. Carted that fucking thing through JFK just to go with a little stick and

Hey, and they ask the question, then I go, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. And I go, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Okay, pens down. - Couldn't you just do it with your mouth? Then eventually you just said that. - Well, you know, that's why I travel alone because that's where funny stuff comes. - Because you're forced to interact. - Yeah, I mean, I was in Hamilton.

Have you played up there in Canada? Probably. Hamilton Place. Outside of Ontario? Yeah. I'm in a hotel that's on the highway. I don't have a rental car. And across the street is like a little mini mall. So I said, I'll walk over to the mini mall. And it's like a dollar store. Gather jokes. Yeah. So I'm sitting there. So I go in this cafeteria place. And I'm in a hamburger. And I see this guy looking at me. Guy about 26, 27.

He goes, hey, are you that Jane Lino fellow there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, can I talk to you? Yeah, yeah, come and sit down. So I'm talking to him. He says, I don't know, he wants to ask me something. I go, well, what do you want? He goes, hey, you know when you watch those Perel commercials on TV, you know, you see those commercials of the girls taking a shower? I said, yeah.

He goes, do they have any clothes on in those commercials? And I said, so I said, well, you know, my friend, that's what he does. He shoots those commercials.

And no, legally, you can't say you're taking a shower and have clothes on because they could sue you. So they have to be naked when they do the commercials. He goes, oh, really? Yeah, is that right? And he's this guy getting all worked up over these pro commercials. I said, oh, yeah, yeah. In fact, my friend must, he probably auditions 10, 15 girls a day and he has to watch them take a shower. He's going, oh,

That must be quite a job. Yeah. But I mean, he takes these, there's no fooling around. No. He goes, no, I wouldn't. I would be very serious. I said, I'd be very serious. That was his show business question. I like, that was a pro commercial of all things. Yeah.

Prell. Canadians. Not even a good shampoo. It's not even like an upper. I was into Prell for a brief time. Here's a hell gig that involves Canada. So I'm flying to Seattle to play Comedy Underground. They meet me at the airport and I go, oh, you're not playing Comedy Underground tonight. You're playing Kelowna, Canada. And I had like three hops to Kelowna.

So then I'm playing a disco. Right. And they're all dancing in the lights and everything. Then they throw me on the disco floor. Just death. Horrifying. Dead silent. Wait, do you remember when you and I did the wedding? Oh, God, that was, oh, let's talk about that next. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, when I got out, a guy felt sorry for me. This Canadian guy says, hey, next time you're here, you know, do it about when guys come in out of the bathroom with wet stains on their trousers, that always gets them. That was his advice.

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So anyway, Jay and I played A Millionaire's Wedding. Yeah, with Rod Stewart. Who got a million to close, at least if I got that right. Something like that, yeah. But it was, well, how would you describe it? Well, first of all, it's just people eating. It's a wedding, everybody's talking. I go on, bomb. I've never seen that. But the audience is like 100 feet away. Yeah, but they're not even, it's all. They're not even looking. It's a lot of this.

So they're not even looking at you. It's true. So they go, Dana Carvey. I go, well, Dana will kill. And then you didn't do that well either. No, no. No, I bombed, Jay. And then Rob Stewart. You're being nice. Do you think I'm sexy? No, no, no.

Everyone's still talking. I mean, just unbelievable. They never even looked up. They never applauded. I walked in. I think it was David Crosby with a guitar in the foyer singing Crosby Hills' Nash hits. And people are walking up front just ignoring him. Talk right back to him having a drink. Who's that guy? Yeah, corporate gigs are the funniest because you're getting paid to bomb, basically. And they try their best. Sometimes they say, go.

But I think there's these people that make ton of money. Then they're the CEO. And then they look around and they say, Leno or Carvey is my favorite comic. I'm the boss now. I can have them just come to our show. And that's such a power move. I think it's fun for them and they get to meet you and,

Take a picture. It's fine with me. Sometimes they're actually really good. You might find this funny, Jay. It must have happened to you. But sometimes they want the entrance to be exciting in a corporate date. And I always tell them, it only buys me seven seconds. Right. So it's a car thing. We're going to put you in the go-kart. Yeah. You're going to drive up on the stage. Or they're going to drop you in with a harness. So have you had any of those where you can't just walk to the mic? I like it when they think they know. You go out. You tell like two jokes. No.

And then you talk about the company for a little bit and explain what we do. And then, you know, go back and do it. I go, well, no, let me just do the joke. Oh, no, no. No, guys, it's a deal breaker. Okay. You know, please welcome Frank Sinatra. And then he talks. They don't want to hear him sing. Yeah. That's just what it is. You know, you can't do that. I just get a lot of those. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to incorporate. They think it's easy. If you could do about 10 or 15 just about our company.

Like 10 or 15 minutes about your boring company? Right, exactly. I don't know anyone here. I don't know how it works. I don't know. I'll tell you a great story. I had a guy on the show. He was the first blind person to climb Mount Everest. This guy was in incredible shape, but he's blind. And he, you know. Okay, sounds like a joke. No, no, this is a real thing. So he comes on and he does, and he's very good, you know. So he says, are you doing a lot of motivational speaking? Is that? He goes, yeah, yeah.

I go, well, that's pretty good money. And he goes, yeah, but I tell you, I hate to go. I go, why? He goes, because he goes to these things, you know. And he does the whole thing about clinging on them. He's only gone to an icy rock. He doesn't know if it's day or night. Sleet is hitting him. It takes him like three months to go step by step.

And he says, inevitably, when he does the meet and greet, people come up and they shake his hand. They go, you know, I was going to climb Everest last summer, but, you know, the kid's got soccer and the wife's got things to do. But, yeah, I'm going to do one of these days. And he's like, fuck you. He's just seething with rage. He's clinging on to this mountain. He's barely alive. For three months. Yeah. And the people just take it for granted. Oh, yeah. You know, I was going to do Everest, but –

We always get that too. People go, you know, I was going to do comedy for a while, but then I decided I wanted to get into a vacuum sales, you know? Okay, great. How do you come up with that Saturday Night Live stuff? That must be a kick, right? All these vague questions. What's that like? So what's the funniest thing you've ever said?

Do you hate it? Right. Tell me the funniest thing. Well, no, okay, right away, you're dead. There's nothing. Nothing's going to be funny. Or this one. I don't know if you can use this. It's like a nine-minute wind-up to a joke. Yeah, and it's like a hugely racist piece of it. Yeah, it's really. Or I bet you hate when people come up and talk to you. I'm like, well, I'm not going to tell you that, but I'll tell the next person about you. Yeah, yeah. Burt Lancaster tried to give me a joke once.

Really? I don't know if he can use it. I'll just do a little bit of the voice. So this football player is not too good at grades, right? So he goes to the principal's office. And they're going to give him a test. So the principal goes, I'll give you a test to see if you're smart enough to play football.

He says, "Three plus two." And then the dumb guy says, "Five." And the coach goes, "Give him another try!" Does it make sense? - The coach is dumber than the player? - Yeah, the coach is dumber than the player. Sorry, I lost Bert at the end. "Give him another try." We have an older demographic. - Does that work in your act?

No, Kirk Douglas stole it. Jay, how many times a day do you post to TikTok? I don't. I don't post anything. You know something? I don't post at all anymore. I was guessing that answer. I didn't even do Twitter. I told one joke on Twitter. You got in trouble? Somebody thought it was funny. The joke was when I had my motorcycle accident, you know? Yeah. I said, what happened? I was riding my bike. I came around the corner and I slammed into Jeremy Renner's snowmobile, you know? And it got a big laugh. And then I...

You know, when you Google, whenever you're mentioned, and I see Leno makes fun of Renner's accident. Leno laughs at the pain. No, I didn't. No, I never even, I said I crashed into a snowmobile, you know? Yeah. And it just, and then people- It's a tough world out there. Leno should apologize. Oh, shut up. Jesus. Did you see any jokes about your accident that you thought were funny?

Oh yeah. And you wouldn't be offended. You'd be like, yeah, there's comedy. No, I think they're really funny. I called Jeremy Renner's people and they were fine. They said, yeah, that's funny. He had a great sense of humor. Yeah, exactly. I actually, I barely know Jeremy Renner. So I said, I hope, you know, just sending, it was, it was terrible. Right when it happened, you're like, holy shit, I hope he pulls out of this. This is, you wouldn't wish on anybody. And then about, and then when he said he's doing okay and it'll be all right, you know, probably underplay the severity, but.

I think I knew him barely enough that I had a picture of a snow cone at dinner and I was buzzed and I said, hey, can you get this thing out of this? I don't know. It was something about a snow cone. Yeah, I had a snow cone and they brought me a dessert and then I did some joke and sent it to him. Anyway, it went over. So he's in the hospital bed, he gets a picture of a snow cone from David Spade and the byline is? And I DM'd him it and I said, can you get rid of this for me or?

something about a snow something anyway it was really well written and tight and then yeah we have we have Jeremy Renner on the line right now and then when he was offended I said I heard what Jay said that was shitty dude I switched it back to Jay real quick people are too sensitive but now no he was very cool about it just long stories I can't write a joke and let's move on

Social media. So I get these new agents. I go into the inner sanctum like Ned Beatty in Network. Right. And he says, it's all social media. It's all direct-to-consumer. And there's comedians outside the lines. There's no NBC sitcom. There's no Tonight Show. There's nothing. They're creating their own ecosystem. They're doing giant specials. And they're playing all over the world. Yeah.

So that's this new, new, new thing. You don't need it because you're Jay Leno. Yeah. You don't need it because you're David Carvey. I like write joke, tell joke, get check. It's real simple. And I said to myself, you know, they offer you the specials. I could go, okay, I could work 10 gigs, 20 gigs and make the same money and still own the material. Because once you put it out there, it's gone. And when you show clips of it on video,

That's the under 40 crowd, is it? That's all they pass around and people send me little clips. 20, 25 second clips.

So you go to the Ice House, you get a camera, you do your set, then you just get clips out. Right. And a lot of Instagram people, a lot of people are doing stand-up as a fetish, as a part of their brand. So they'll do a little stand-up, they'll do the 20-second clips. Anyone can kill for 20 seconds. Yeah. So it's not grumpy old man stuff. It's just this is what the technology has. And you also burn material. So now a new thing is they do crowd work, which –

It doesn't help you when you go to a real show because you don't want interaction. Usually, most comics want to do their acting when they're sort of making it okay to do crowd work because that's something that just happened when they film an hour set. They go in the crowd. If they get one thing that works, they post it. But then when people come see them, they start interrupting them. And that's tough because you don't want to burn a real joke

So you happen to come up with something for the crowd and then post it. See, I don't have jokes. I don't have your guys. I can do Fauci and just sort of go for 10 minutes. So it's a little different. I can't write jokes. Take a new shot every hour. I'm terrible at jokes. I did one when I was 27. I go, hi, everybody. I'm 27, but I read at a 29-year-old level.

Killed. I met my wife at 19. I raised her as one of my own. Boom. But that's about all I got, Jack. Those are jokes. Yeah, it's a joke. But I admire joke writers that can come up with that, their brain. Dennis Miller is amazing. It is funny when you write it. I mean, here's a joke that I've been doing. I love this joke. I said, go to Best Buy looking for a washer and dryer, right? The guy goes, let me show you a new line of smart washers and dryers. I go, what makes them smart? He goes, they got Wi-Fi.

I said, you know, I don't need Wi-Fi. I'm in washer and dryer. Because it's value added. It's included in the price. When you buy the top of the line model, you get the Wi-Fi for free. I said, oh, fine. So I bought the washer and dryer with Wi-Fi. For the last two weeks, I walk around with damp underwear because I forgot my password.

And that gets a, you know, and it's a joke that works across every age group because young people, you know, if you're under 40, you get the connection with the computer and you gotta go, you know, I mean, yeah, it just works. It's fun when you have a joke that works across the board. Yeah, and works every time. Yeah, yeah. And it's clean. Yeah, exactly. You can do it anywhere. Yeah. Because it's amazing.

The two Americas always amazes me. Yeah, we have. Because I go to places and I meet people. I go, boy, this is a Trump crowd. But I like these people. You know, blue collar. You know, they work hard. They got families. They're happily married. I mean, I like, you know, I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't gamble. I'm pretty conservative that way. So I identify with that part of it. I might not identify with the political part or even the religious part. But sometimes...

So I just keep it down the middle. And this way you make money from both sides. Yeah, I feel like I can play to any crowd. Oh, you can play. You play any... You and I pass each other constantly on the road. Either you were just there or you're just coming here. This backstage person said to me...

I don't know, right before the pandemic. She talked about you specifically, how relaxed you were. And she said, he's one of the most confident people I've ever met. I think because you're so in shape, you're never not in shape as a performer. Because I remember even as a young performer and I would open for you and you'd just be in a chair by the stage. And a lot of, in those days you had a pipe. Oh yeah. And you're just like so relaxed.

Because you've been on stage, been doing your act, you know. And then I come off stage and you just said to me, and you were right, you said, you're going to need some more jokes. Because I didn't have any jokes. I was more of a sketch player organically. Then I got on Saturday Night Live and the rest is history. Do you use a set list? You never do, do you? No. I don't have any. I'm dyslexic, so I don't have anything written down. Jesus. It's hard to remember a whole hour. Well, I don't know. I...

If something gets a laugh, I just remember it. And it, yeah, it just. Bill Burr doesn't write anything down. He said he just, he goes out every night and he's hitting three stages. Yeah. But that's what I mean to me. Cause the stage is not a normal place to be. Okay. And if you're not on stage for two weeks, it's like, well, this is what you're tripping over your work. I mean, it should be second nature. I mean, what I used to do.

And I still do it sometimes. I'll try to write a letter with my hand while I'm doing my act. Not in front of an audience, but to see if I can compartmentalize. And so that way I can...

I can be thinking of what I'm going to say to the, you know, the guy that's heckling me while I'm doing my act. Cause you know, it's like doing the pledge. I pledge allegiance to the United States of America. And you can do something while you're saying that. Cause it's a part of it. You know it so well. Yeah. Yeah. And the same thing with comedy. So if I can write a letter with this hand while I'm doing my act, it's just a good way to practice. Yeah. You're right. You do have to desensitize to the whole concept. Here he is and be funny now. And everyone's looking at you. This is kind of out of nowhere, but did you ever meet like,

Early SNL people like Belushi or Gilda? Yeah, I picked Belushi up at the airport. He had been on Saturday Night Live. I went with Bud Friedman. He was coming to the improv. I didn't know him that well. I just, you know, he was like a crazy, you know, just, you know, drugs. I just wasn't that guy, you know, but I mean, I certainly liked him and admired him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Must've been huge at that point. Oh yeah. You got big fast. That was the first year. Yeah. And you played all the clubs in LA for our fans out there. It was the comedy store. It's Coke and Pepsi in a way. And then it was the improv. Laugh Factory came in later. Yeah. And you played everywhere. Of course. Yeah. I did all that. I painted the roof of the improv and bought the building. You lived in a storage room and you painted a roof. You were busy. Yeah. Well,

Well, I always tell this story I've been telling lately about when I first came to L.A., I would live in open houses.

I'd go to an open house. You'd see like open house 12 to 4. So I'd go at 3.30. I'd walk through the house. I'd go, thank you. Goodbye. I'd slam the front door. Then I'd duck in the closet, you know. And then the realtor would stick around for another 20 minutes, lock up, and leave. This is before houses had alarms. And I would just live in the house for two or three days. And one day I was – That's clever. One of the houses belonged to one of the beach boys. It was on cold water. I'm sleeping, you know.

And I hear the realtor, now this is the bedroom. And I was sleeping in the bed and this woman screams, you know, mommy, there's a kid in the room. Get the children out of here. She goes, what are you doing here? I'm sorry. Get out, get out. That's the only time I got caught. But I lived at houses on Outpost and Bel Air. I was trying to find, and I never stole anything or damaged anything. I was made to bed. I just,

didn't have any place to live. So I did come in full circle. I like Chris Rock's line. You know, I go, I'm make millions, but I identify as poor. Right. And you, it seems like, I mean, when was, do you remember the first time you made a million dollars?

Because I remember you started to explode as a stand-up in the mid-'80s or something, from your Letterman shots probably. Yeah, yeah. And so you were doing – you were really doing well. We don't have to give the numbers, but you started to really get wealthy at that point. It was doing good. Yeah. First million is a big, big deal.

It is a big deal. - Feels like you're doing something. Feels like, okay, I can do this job. - You are doing something. Exactly, yeah. - It didn't come easy. - It does not. - No, stand up, when I think about, unless you're a savant, maybe like Eddie Murphy, for the rest of us, and even Louis C.K., it took 20 years, really, to become Louis C.K. - Yeah, but you know something? You had a good time all the way.

So it never really mattered. Well, once you're in show business, once I didn't have to be a waiter and this is my job. Right, right. It was the most exciting thing ever. That's right. I never thought, you know, I just had a series of little breaks as opposed to some huge people. What was your big break? Well, it wasn't. You know, before I did Carson, I did Wait on Flowers and Madam. I did Dinah Shaw. I remember I did Dinah Shaw. I don't know why I thought this was so funny.

but i'm with donna show jay welcome to the show thank you very much well thank you how you doing talking about she says tell about your family and i have a brother he's 10 years older okay now i was like 23 24 this time okay

And I said, "Do you have any old sisters?" Dina Shook goes, "Yeah, I have an old sister. She's 85." - Holy shit. - I've never met anybody with a sister who's 85. I didn't have any friends that are 85. - 85. - 85-year-old sister. And she said, "What? What's so funny?"

You laughed in his face. I just couldn't tell. I don't know why I thought that was so hilarious. Because you always think of it. You're 16. Your brother's 19. They're 25. The fact that, and of course, Dinah Shaw is one of those people, maybe she's 60, maybe she's four. I don't know how old she was. Makeup, you know. Just the fact that I'm this young and you have an 85-year-old sister. I just couldn't tell.

By the way, you probably didn't know how old she was at all. Like, I don't know anyone on TV how old they were. I never even thought of them. They're just a person on TV. Yeah, right. And at your age, you go, holy shit. They were all old when you're growing up. Because they were coming from radio and movies. It was Jack Benny. He made jokes about Bob Hope. I didn't know he was like 80. I would have loved to met Benny. Yeah, he was my all-time favorite. Just the best. I knew Hope a little bit. I did some things with him. And he was very nice. But he wasn't.

He was a funny guy and he could sing and dance and, you know, he could do it all. And, you know, kept all the writers on staff, but not an ad libber guy like Newhart. Nobody funnier than Newhart. No. And I don't know if this is true, but you always wonder behind the scenes. People had told me that Jack Benny was just the most generous comedian. Yeah. Like he would be in the wings.

And really laughing. Isn't he great? You know, just that type of person. Yeah. It's nice to hear. You know, Cosby used to be that way. You know, I remember I was- Bing? Huh? Bing Cosby? No, Bill Cosby. Oh, Bill. Bill Cosby. Oh, yeah, before, yeah. I remember I was opening for Neil Sedaka up in Tahoe. And Neil Sedaka got sick, so they're bringing Bill Cosby in. And I said, oh, well, I guess I didn't cause it. No, no, have Leno open. That'll be fun.

And, oh, my name was as big as his on the marquee. I mean, all these things he didn't have to do. He was very nice, you know. And, you know, he had two girls with him, which none of my business. A little appetizers. Chris Rock wanted to see him one time. We were at him. And we all flew out to Vegas. And I think this is before the shit show. But we all went out there. Probably Kevin James Rock Sandler, maybe.

Two others. And then we watched him. He did about two hours. Right. Went back and talked to him. It was probably the end of the era of like the old exciting seeing Cosby talking. He's talking to his younger comics and giving us time, which you used to do to, I worked at Vegas once and you let me come down from the Riviera. I was probably opening for Jackie Burnham.

Oh, Jackie Vernon. When Steve Sharippo would, yeah. The clicker. Yeah. But someone you invited down and he said, is it okay if this other comic comes? You said, sure. And we went to Caesar's or something and you bought us all breakfast at midnight. Oh, that's funny. Jay was good about that. Always letting the comics come. One thing about the, you know, competition thing that never ends. And it just made me laugh so hard. I was doing Washington State and play the field house. So it's kind of,

Mom and Dad Day or something. So you're going to get a lot of people. But Cosby had played there the year before, and I guess he did 10,000. So the promoter said that Cosby had called and wanted to know what numbers I got. And he said, don't tell me you got more than about 6,000. You know, he was really into beating. Yeah, that's funny. Well, you know what's funny? I remember I had Joey Bishop on the Tonight Show once. Joey Bishop. Now- Competitive with Regis, but that's another story. Oh, well, here you go. Here you go. This is- So anyway, he comes out and he-

He's funny on the panel. So I say, well, Joey, good seeing you. Okay, my next guest, very funny comedian. Please welcome Louis Anderson. So Louis is doing stand-up. He's getting big laughs, you know, and I feel this tug. Hey, hey, you think that's funnier than what I did? I go, well, you think that's funnier than what I did?

I go, no. I said, you're a natural comic. He's doing an act. You know, I'm just trying to get him to shut up because the audience is like, what's going on? You know, I can see Louie being a little distracted, you know. So I'm thinking, he goes, and then I hear, you think that shit is good? You think it's good? That shit. Yeah, I'm going, I'm... And this is post-Rap Pack, all of it. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, he didn't... Well, he was very weird. Like one time Sinatra called and then asked him to...

There was some kind of benefits. Sinatra was going to do it. He couldn't do it. Joey, could you step in? And he tells Sinatra, yeah, but I got to get 50 grand. And Sinatra's like, well, you know, but just do the gig. You know, I don't mean to put your feet to the fire, but I got to get 50 grand. And it was like, well, that was the end of it after that. It was like, what are you doing? Talk about taking the, yeah. I mean, Sinatra asked you to.

I work with him. I work with Sinatra. We did Duke University, right? So this is like the heart of the Bible. College gigs. So I go in and I do my, because it was a Perry Como invitation, but Perry Como got sick. So Sinatra said he'd fill in. Wow. So Sinatra comes down. He walks up. Fly me to the moon. And the crowd goes crazy. And then he goes, hey, it's a nice town, but where do you get a drink around here? Nothing. And you see him literally go.

tap the mic. Like maybe they didn't hear me. I go, go strangers. And then I, Oh, they go crazy strangers. And then I, then he does the old joke about, you know, the, I got to my hotel. There was no girl in the room. So they sent one up.

He didn't understand. And you could see the flop sweat. He was like, what? And this was like the Christian thing. They wanted to hear the music, didn't want your stories, don't want to hear about liquor, don't want to hear about eating fried eggs off a hooker's stomach. Thank you. Just keep moving. By the way, there's a lot of singers I see now

And they do patter, you know, they do more and more, they do similar standup, you know, they do a song, but I think they're bored with it. And then they do a joke and the crowd likes it, you know, they give them a break and then

There's more of that, more of that in between every song. At a certain point, just get to the, you know, of course. I don't want to be mean, but some of the jokes work. I saw Lionel Richie. He's naturally like a likable, funny guy. Right. He was doing a lot of stuff, and he's done stuff that's tried and true that just works every night, and it's great. That makes it fun for him. McCartney did some stuff, you know, a little bit. We did a couple, you know. I got a few things that I do. I just say it so he'll do that.

You just want me to do it, Jay Leno? Yeah. Adele does it, and she's funny. I mean, I was watching going, she's a great singer. I think you're 90% there. Yeah. Everyone likes you already. You do a joke. It's fun. We have good joke writers writing good jokes. Yeah, I think people write them jokes. Do you ever work with McCartney? I did a benefit with him once. I didn't work with him. I hung out with him, but not now. So I made the big mistake of ordering a pepperoni pizza. Oh. So I got the box. I'm thinking maybe the band...

Like, you guys want a slice? Oh, we love Gov, but the boss, he'll smell the meat on our breath. We can't take it. That guy said, well, no, he's coming to eat. He's coming. Can you get that thing out of here? I had to hide the pizza. I'm like, I'm putting like towels under the door to keep the smell of the pepperoni. I hope that's not pepperoni. I'm smelling something. Where are my three backstage towels? Yeah, yeah.

So when you, because you didn't finish that, were you open for Cosby? Was he generous with you? Was that what you were after? Very nice. Yes, very nice. And he had these two girls with him, like Thumper and Bam Bam, you know, it's just kind of weird. I know them. Tahoe and? Yeah. Yeah, and...

My wife and I and he and the two girls and we go out to dinner and my wife would go, is he sleeping with these guys? I go, I guess so. I don't know. But they were adults. It's not like they were, you know. So to me, what do I know? I know what your situation is at home. And the four of us would go and do stuff. And he was very nice. But it just got stranger and stranger. Eventually on The Tonight Show, all the female talent coordinators refused to work with him because-

You know, he'd be sitting in his boxer shorts and they'd be open and they'd be like, oh, this is not good. You know, it was very, very weird.

Yes, very strong. Very eccentric. It played this casino in Central Oregon, and they said Cosby would always come in two days early on a G5. Right. He couldn't be making that much in the room. He'd get a rotary old-fashioned phone in the room so he could call his friends. They'd have the chefs come up because he'd bring Philadelphia hot dogs in a freezer and explain how to cook it. Right. And at corporate dates, he'd get 20 cookies on a tray and leave them outside his dressing room. Right.

He'd go to his set, and then he would come back and count the cookies. And if one was missing, it was not a good evening.

I put 20 cookies on the bread and I got 18 cookies. He didn't leave them out there for people? No, no. They're just suddenly out there. And then if some were missing, he was right. Was it entrapment? I don't know if this is made up if Bill is listening. I like when you get crazier and more famous. Just crazy. You start going, I need this. I need this shit. Yeah, yeah. The stories I hear about people on the road. Like you said, they're apologizing because they don't have my blue chips. And then you go.

What went so wrong that you're this scared? And they're like, we had J-Lo or whoever, you know. J-Lo, not Jay Leno. No, not Jay Leno. You're not J-Lo, are you? You're the most low-maintenance entertainer ever, from what I understand. Well, I try to keep it. You want popcorn, maybe, or... Popcorners? No, pizza, right joke, tell joke, get chat. Dude, is that your merch? It sells, I like that. Do you have water on stage exclusively, or sometimes you have a Coca-Cola or nothing? No, just water. You drink?

Do I drink? No, don't. I'm a nibbler, Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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7-15-24 and 9-11-24. And Dell will donate $1.75 for each eligible product within your purchase to ComputerAid, capped at $1.2 million total. For details and restrictions, go to dell.com slash deals. I got a question. We got like... No, I got a lot more. Before we let Jay go, I want to ask about his cars. What is the most... I know you don't like to talk money, but what is the...

What are your top cars you have at that juicy garage? Well, a top meaning what? You mean expensive? Probably, well, I'm sure. One that you love the most first. Well, I like them all. I want the favorite. I mean, I guess the F1 McLaren would be the one. Okay. I mean, I bought it in 98 for $800,000. People, you're out of your mind as well. I love it. I love it. This one's the thing I wanted. And the last offer I got was 20 mil, so.

I mean, goddamn, those meet those. I went to Barrett Jackson. I go to Barrett Jackson every year. Those are a little tricky because they do get you on the way in and way out. Like if you sell one, there's a little vig. You got to give them a little wet the beak a little bit. So, but it is fun to go there. And like you, like people that like, that have an interest, I would take so many. And I'm jealous you have this place you keep them because-

I have my dumpy garage and I live on a hill and it just, it's just not the same as these car guys in Nebraska. It's flat. It's gorgeous. It's so fun. I have a Duster. I have an old Cherokee. I just have cars I see. I think they're cool. You have the Hemi Charger. I had the Hemi, that's right. The Hemi Daytona. Yeah. Yeah. I sold it. And then people said it was crazy. They just sold it for more. I sold it to another guy. And then it just, over time they just go up. They can't help it. Right. And people don't realize that.

They were at the last Barrett Jackson going up so much higher than I would guess. It was a noticeable jump, like crazy where you go, this is, I don't know how they're, you know, it'll go up, it'll take longer, but they'll go up. Well, it's a good way to launder money too. Is that what they do? I'm a cartel guy. I buy a car for 300,000.

I sell it to another cartel guy for $800,000. He now has profit he can declare as income. See, I have profit. And then the next guy sells it at a loss for $200,000. Oh, I took a loss. So, I mean, it's a good way to hide money and move money around. I don't do that. You told me once just casually that it's about the story.

Yeah, but cars got a good story. Because I have a friend who collects antique bottles and digs them out of the Sierra Nevadas. And he's completely connected to that prospector or those people. So you get a Studebaker or some other family car. It's emotional, right? Because you're connecting to the family that took that trip. Oh, yeah. That makes sense to me. Or who owned it. I mean, sometimes. Yeah. Or it has a story. Sometimes I get. Well, I mean, my favorite, I had a Hudson Hornet.

So this woman calls me, 94 years old. She's got a 51 Hudson Hornet. Her husband bought it new in New Jersey. They drove out to California with their kids. It's the only car they ever had. He died in 96. This is back in 2005. And it's been sitting from 96 to 2005 when I buy it. I go, why don't we come out? So I go out.

And it's not bad. It's got four flat tires and, you know, it's just been sitting. Great. So I said, I'll give you, what do you want? She goes, $5,000. I said, all right, I'll give you $5,000. So I buy it for $5,000. Take it back to the garage. Takes me about a year and a half. I get it all restored. I said, let me call her up. See, now she's 96. Okay. So I said, I got the car. You want to go for a ride? Oh, I gotta get my hair done. This one was 96. No hearing aid, no glasses. I said, okay, I'll come. She goes, can the kids come?

I said, yeah, well, the kids are 72 and 74. So I drive out to the place in the car and they've got her blindfolded in the driveway waiting for me, you know. And she's like the elephant in the blind man touching the car. And I take the blindfold. Oh, it's beautiful. Can we go for it? Okay, the kids get in the back. Okay, kids get in the back. So the kids get in the back and we're driving, we're talking, you know. Meanwhile, the 72-year-old, 72-year-old start poking each other like this, you know. And the mother goes, hey, hey.

I told you, and it turns out starts whacking the crap out of them, just smashing them in the face with, I told you, Miss Leno was nice enough to take her. And the three of them are just laughing, having the time of their life. She died at 106.

Yeah. And it was just a great story. I mean, every time I drive that car, I think of those, that 72 year old, the same four year old poking each other like this, you know, in the backseat, she's turned around and just, just whack. And that, oh, and then, then the, the, the two kids told me that when they were in high school, they were so ashamed their dad had this old car.

that they would have them drop them off like three blocks from school and they'd walk the rest of the way because they didn't want to be seen in this old car. And of course now it's a classic, you know, all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, I mean, that makes for a great story. Sure. Some of those, and the movie cars go for a lot. That's Steve Mar, I mean, Steve McQueen bullet Mustang. I think that went for 5 million and that was like, no, that went for a 3.7. Yeah. Yeah. I drove that car. It was,

It was the most beat to crap old Mustang. And being a stunt car, it had holes cut in the floor, you know, for cameras and all this other kind of stuff. It really wasn't worth a whole lot. I mean, that's a car that is worth a lot because it would have gone for $5 million if they'd sold it a year earlier on the 50th anniversary of the movie.

Because anybody who can afford that car is probably going to be in their late 60s, early 70s. Okay, now they're going to be 80. Okay, now kids don't even know the movie anymore. Yeah. You know, so it's a whole different thing. There are certain things that...

fit in certain time, you know. And if they can prove it, have to prove that it is what it's supposed to be. Oh, that was the real one. Yeah, that was the real one. It's like DeLorean. It's a terrible car, but because of the movie Back to the Future, you know. And you have motorcycles. So do you have a favorite between the cars and motorcycles or not? I like them both. I mean, it really hurts when you fall off a motorcycle. It's like, Jesus.

How are these other injuries right now for you? Well, I still have the broken collarbone and two broken ribs. Or is it just set all the time? As long as I don't sneeze or cough, I'm okay. And it'll just heal over time. I hope so. It's only been three, four weeks. Well, it's been a month since the motorcycle. How do you sleep then? Just on your back? Yeah, you just sleep on your back. You just kind of stare at the ceiling and it's that.

Yeah, that's kind of tricky. I sleep for like two hours and I get up for two hours. And then I'll read until I get so tired and fall asleep. And that's pretty sound for a couple hours. Yeah. And the cracked kneecaps, how are they? I mean, because you're going to stand on stage for... Standing is easy. Okay. You know, that's fine. You know, I was doing two 90s back-to-back the last couple of weeks. And it was okay. Except later when you...

And then when you kind of need to sit down. Two 90s. Two 90s. Two 90s shows, you know. Back to back. Oh, I got it. I don't think people at home understand. And so are you a lefty? Or you keep the mic in the stand mostly? No, I'm lefty. So then you just use that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I still use it. It's okay. It's not bad. It's not too bad. Does that scare you? Like at a certain point, I think you could always use a stool. I could use a stool. I mean, you can do stand-up for pretty much long in any other job.

Yeah, I don't use a stool and I don't do old jokes.

Only because, and now you've put it in the audience's mind that you're old. Yeah. You know, so I just try to avoid the, you know, can't pee jokes and all this kind of stuff. So you just try to keep it. Yeah, I don't talk about young things either. Yeah. I mean, I always used to love, you know, Shanley always used to make me laugh. I'm seeing this chick now. Gary, how old are you? I know. How old is this girl? You know, that just makes me laugh. Yeah, there's a certain point they don't want to hear sex jokes from people.

I keep telling the crowd I'm 40. You know, when you're 26 and you use the word pussy, they are, oh, he said pussy. Oh, Kiko. When you're 40, oh, that old guy said, you know. Anything else for Jay? What do you got, Dana? Because I feel like

I can't watch him wince in pain anymore. I'm all right. No, you're pretty good. You didn't cancel. It was very nice of you. No, I don't cancel. Doesn't even, you know, that's a big thing about comics. I go to the comedy store. Oh, you want to go up next? These two canceled. And every night I go, who's canceling? Like show up for your goddamn gig. I know. What else do you have? I hate canceling. What else do you have to do? Well, you know, if one person came down to see you, like it's like when I do the road, I got sick on the road and my voice is going out and I go,

I'll try it. I told the crowd, I go, Hey, I didn't want to cancel. You're all here. It's packed. And, and, and,

And I said, if everyone just, we crank up the mic a little bit and nobody laughs for an hour, we can get through this. That's my bet. No one laughs for an hour. Do you get that part? That's funny. No one laughs for an hour and you get through it. Yeah. But I always tell comics, somebody's always seen you for the first time. Yeah. I remember once I had an audition for Harrah's at the comedy store. Harrah's. I love it. Yeah. And they came in to see me and I didn't get it. I go, why? I was clean. Well.

You can't work a club with jeans. With jeans? Well, I just... I can put on something. He goes, well, we came to see you do what you do at our club. Whoa. I said, okay, can you come back? Yeah, we'll come. So I put a suit on and went back and I got the job. So when you got dinged or whatever, like things didn't work or bombing at clubs, it seems to me you'd have a lot of resilience or confidence.

you'd say to yourself? Or was it, I mean, 'cause I got hurt when I bombed auditioning for SNL. I followed Kenison in '83 at the Comedy Store. Right, right. It was impossible. A horrible bomb. And I go, "Oh, that was my shot." So I was kinda, I mean, I was functional, but I was down for a couple months. I'm a huge believer in low self-esteem.

No, it's a key. It's a good line. No, it is. It's a key to success because you don't think you're the smartest person there. You're always trying. Oh, yeah. I mean, if I see some... I mean, I know so many comics...

They did it. The bit worked in Denver two years ago and they've been doing it ever since. And then they'll go, no, I did this in Denver. I know it only worked once. I've seen you do it five. It doesn't work anymore. Get rid of it. They cannot get rid of material. Get throw out. Everything is not funny. You know, that's why I followed prior every night.

And when Richie was, I mean, we called him Richie Pryor. Oh, fuck, how crazy, Richard Pryor. Yeah, and he was great. I mean, he was the best, really funny. And I said to Mitzi, can I go on after Pryor here tonight? And she said, yeah, because nobody wanted the spot. And I realized I didn't have 45 minutes. I had 18 minutes. But it was the tightest 18 minutes because this audience had been listening to Pryor and there was just,

So I just did the funniest stuff I had and I threw everything else away. And you just have to have that discipline to do that. I mean, so many guys go up and they just screw around. You're there to work. You have 20 minutes, work, come up with stuff, try new material, you know, make it tighter, throw out every word that's not funny and just tighten it up. Okay, I have an idea for you. Yeah. One of our sponsors is Masterclass.

Oh, he should teach you. Master's class. And, and Steve Martin's done one, people have done one, but you have a very specific point of view. That's really, really, uh, would be, would help people have talent and discipline. Well, I mean, to me, Seinfeld and I have this discussion all the time. Uh,

It's an art form. You need to be specific, tight. You're not up to the score. I know so many, they just get up and they screw around and they think that that's funny. I got a laugh. Yeah, but you had this two minute, every six to nine seconds, you should get a laugh. Okay.

I love that. That's about right. Wouldn't you say? I would say, yeah, you should, yeah, like six laughs a minute or more. But you're getting a laugh every six to nine seconds because maybe it's not a joke, but it's a funny impression or it's a funny manner. No, I wanted to roll. I came from watching Rob Williams and he was the one like with...

do his thing and come back to San Francisco, I thought I have work to do. Right. Yeah. So I kept going, if that is the standard, I have a lot more work to do. Right. Exactly. Yeah. That's all. Yeah. Amazing how lazy people are. When I started in Arizona, there was, as I said to Colin Quinn, I go, I started and there's no comedy scene. He goes, is there one now? I go, oh, I guess not really. But in Arizona, you know, no one was doing standup when I started. Yeah. So you had to really want to do it because-

I think now it's kind of cooler. It's a bigger deal. You see people playing theaters, arenas. So more people gravitate to that and they just do whatever. I always remember a comic said to me, he said, well, you and Seinfeld, you guys are lucky. You started during the golden age of comedy when everything was funny. Now it's,

Now, that's no golden age of comedy. Shut up, idiot. Yeah, as if anybody has a free pass. You and Seinfeld rose up because you were killing. Had to be good. And influencing other comics. Well, you try to keep it tight. Yeah, I don't, the people don't really work at it. I don't, why are you in this? It's the most important thing. It's the only thing you do all day.

There's something very painful, I think, about getting with your notes. It's not painful for Jerry, but getting with your notes and doing the icky part, the college essay part of a bit that you like that's not working. Get it down.

You know, Jerry's has, he's like you, he's like, if a joke stops working, check the setup. Right, right. Because sometimes you lose the thread of it. One word's off and the whole thing unravels. So there is a lot, a lot of science. It's not a part-time job. If that's your job, you think about it in the day, you think about, you observe things, you try to scribble things down. That's it. You get into it. I was obsessed with it. Yeah, I always say, if I have any problems-

I take care of them before I go on stage. Even if I'm right, I apologize to the other person I'm angry with because I don't need that in my head as I'm working. You just want to be able to, yeah, there's nothing else more important. And be in a good mood. Yeah, exactly. The last thing I say to myself before I go out there is remember to have fun. Right. Just remember this should be fun and that'll help the audience too. Yeah, I agree. Sometimes I'm out there and I go, why am I not having fun? Forgot. I forgot to have fun. Think of it like torture.

All right. Well, Jay Leno, we're going to take a 20-minute break.

Jay is... No, we're done. This is where we say nice things. There's only been a few people that have done a talk show for that number of years and done it at a high level. I guess you did a total quarter century. 22 years. 22 years. 40, 50 years of a stand-up and you're still out there and you're vibrant. I was always a stand-up. TV was always a... I know. That was great. The thing about it, you just... I mean, I can't imagine like...

People come out here. They got on a sitcom for 13 weeks. The sitcom had canceled. And then you're back to being a waiter again. Oh, my God. I can't. You know, at least with stand-up, you could always hustle a buck somewhere. It's its own lane. Yeah. I mean, when I was in Boston, I would go to bars.

And they didn't do comedy. It was like, stop you war machine man. That was kind of, you know. And I would put 50 bucks on the bar and I'd say to the bartender, let me go on and tell jokes. If I get a laugh, give me the 50 back. If I don't get a laugh, you keep the 50.

And that cost me about $450. It did, it did. That's why you lived in the storage room. Yeah, but eventually, eventually they would go, no, that's okay. That's okay. Here's your money back, you know? And then, okay, now I got comedy in there. Okay, thank you. And then you go back and you MC before you introduce the folks. I played Delegate Essence. Yeah. Had all chips around me. In Arizona, you do those one nighters, 20 bucks, if they gave you anything. You go, you do a set.

And then Thursdays were the NFL club seekers, chuckles, you know, I did a corporate as Bob Johnson, director of sales. This is so stupid. This guy had invented this product called freshen. They were called soft, moist towelettes. You use,

After defecating to avoid embarrassing rectal odor. It was a big, it was a wet roll of toilet paper that you stuck on the wall next to toilet paper that you're supposed to wipe your ass with, you know. So he brings me and he sees me, he goes, listen, I want you, you'll be Bob Johns, my director of sales. I got like 50 Liggett Rexall,

So I'm gonna talk about the product, I'll bring you on. Okay. So I go up there and this guy's selling, he's talking about the product, you know. And you see the Rexall deals are like,

They're all squirming. And then he goes, take some home. Try it on your own family. Nobody's volunteering to take, you know. So they go, first, wait, before you make your mind, let me bring on Bob, my director of sales. Bob, come on up here. So I go up there and I do my, I'm getting nothing. Just nothing, you know. Mm-hmm.

And then I end and he goes, that was not Bob Johnson, of course, but Jay Leno, a professional comedian. And I hear the audience go, professional comedian. I mean, they're all really angry, right? So now people start, he goes, don't leave, please. Take the sample home, please try it. And then he starts crying. And then he goes, look, I got like 50 grand invested. Just try it. Just try it. Just try it.

Take it to me. And nobody's taking it, you know. So I'm waiting. I said, can I get paid? No. No, you can't pay. You want to get paid? So I left with like 10 fresh and things. And the guy's crying. And the guy's crying. Yeah. Because, yeah, he lost his shirt on this deal.

But I just remember going, that was not, of course, Bob Johnson, but Jay Leno. Professional. Let's everyone know. It's show business. The unfunny guy you just saw. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Well, thank you, Jay. Thank you, Jay. Thank you, gentlemen. Appreciate it. Thank you. This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks.

Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.