John Mulaney
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's- Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it? As you know, if all things go according to plan, you're going to be my first guest on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.

And by the time people hear this, it'll already have happened. So I'm going to apologize ahead of time for my awkwardness. Deer in the headlight look. My jokes. Messy hair. Ill-fitting suit.

How do you stop the hair people there? I mean, 'cause you don't wanna get TV hair. You know if you go to a studio and your hair looks like kind of bed hair, cool, all the girls like it. By the time you get on the set, you have TV hair, like you've never combed it like that. I was doing a thing recently and the hair person stuck up behind me with goop in her hands behind me and just went all over my head and pulling my hair back with all this goop. And I said, "I spent seven hours on that mop top."

To make it look tousled and thrown together like Owen Wilson. Hey, how's it going? Yeah, you know, we could go to Argentina and surf, you know. I love Owen. That is a good Owen. Owen's great. That guy lives a fun life. We're here to talk about John Mulaney, though. But I will tell you, Dana, that on Kimmel, we're going to have some laughs.

I might even say this. Listen to this. This is a real story. I had a mosquito in my house last night. A mosquito? Yeah, mosquito. And so Dana's baffled. I said mosquito.

And so... Okay, go ahead. I don't know how to talk. So this guy comes in and I think he brought some reinforcements because it was two nights in a row. And they get in your ear and it's like, once I hear that, I have to get up. I go, okay, break's over. Middle of the night, got to kill it. But now there's no way to win because I got the raid and everything. So now what I do is I spray my whole body with raid and then I just lay down. I set a trap. So now they come and they think they're going to have the... Oh man, that's toxic. So smart. Yeah, they come and they go...

And then they go, oh, I got a bad batch. Did you guys have blood earlier? And then they're like rubbing their eyes going, why do I feel so shitty? And then they croak. And right before they die, they look at me and they go, it was a trick. And then I have to go to the hospital too. But by the time-

Yeah, that's great. Everybody talks in my act. So I got that going for me. Dana, John Mulaney. Okay, I want to dovetail from my little thing I just saw into John Mulaney because you and he are seeking out stories and you're really aware as you navigate the universe if like that could be an interesting story extrapolated. So I pulled up to this place.

I saw a woman with her dog. The dog went poopy on the lawn. The woman picked it up with a glove and then sniffed it.

Just what I saw. Now, Mulaney, to his ability, that could be 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He might do 20, you know. I was walking down the street today. What else is she sniffing? I mean, no one, Mulaney writes the shit out of his bits in the best way. And his stories are great. I think it's that old school Seinfeld thing where Seinfeld was saying the other day, like, there's comics that do phrasing things.

and words and just the way things are written and the structure, which, which I love. I don't know if I'm that good at it, but I love it. And then there's bigger comics that are,

playing broader like you see even even a carrot top i still laugh at there's prop comics oh yeah i laugh at yeah so it's just he was saying there's almost he's almost jealous that they do something so different i i feel the same way i don't i don't look down on them i think they're a crack up but millennia is such a pure great written comic and these stories i think i wish my next special was just five stories i love to just

find some tent poles in a story that's five minutes long enough, blah, blah, blah, keep them entertained. It's not really thought out. You're actually just telling stories in real life. And then one day you go, oh, that actually might be something.

for my set, you know? Well, it gets it away from doing a bit because sometimes you just have to make fun of the fact that you're doing this prepared little bit. But if you are telling a story that starts from a truthful place, you know, Melania is very good. He's got the Seinfeld writing, you know, really deeply, deeply, a lot, a lot of punchlines, little punchlines, big punchlines, throwaway punchlines. And then he also does, you know, he

he moves a lot and he does little act outs and little impressions. So he's pretty, he's, he's a, he's a dynamite performer. He's like you, David. And he's selling out some big, big, uh, rooms on the road. And, uh, I just, I told him I was checking out his list going, God damn, dude, I know these places. They're huge. So, uh, you, it's a treat to talk to him. We're lucky to have him. Uh, we're going to have some big laughs with him. Yeah. And, uh, really, really smart. And, uh,

We just talk all about his life and everything that's going on. And it's very enjoyable, hopefully, for our fleas, our flies, our flyers. Okay, fleas, here you go. John Mulaney. Oh, no, I understand. I love the, by the way, I love the show. I've listened to every episode, even Judd's. Even Judd's, interesting.

He wasn't even on SNL, but it was fine. But he's discovered so many movie stars from it. Yes. He is somebody who just gets stuff done. Like if you call him with an idea, he does have that engine. Let's just make it. Let's do it. You know, I don't know if you, you don't need to get anything from him, right? So we reached a point in our friendship where I didn't,

It was kind of clear I wasn't going to try to write a movie for him. You know, there's like everyone my generation was in a stable where he just kind of, I think without even holding deals or money, he just had so many people like myself, Cam Peel, the Lucas Brothers, Bill Hader, Simon Rich, all these people had a movie deal with Judd. And

I would kind of watch it and be like, wow, everyone from SNL on their summer break writes a hundred drafts of a Judd movie and he doesn't make them. He makes one movie every two, three years. So if he's making Trainwreck, that means it's like all these people I know who's like, you know, thing is passed over. So as soon as I, as soon as he and I had some weird unsaid understanding that I was never going to write a movie for him,

We became a lot closer because then we could just talk about stand-up. We're talking about Judd Apatow, David. Yeah, he does seem to, whenever there's a shiny object that emerges on the scene, it seems like Judd is there. He's recognizing it early. It's always, it's funny to me when he like,

People go like, Judd has an eye for talent. It's like, well, they're on SNL, you know. It's not rocket science. It is a bit not. It is kind of not rocket science. I had a spectacular accidental set at the improv once, and Carol Leifer, I think, contacted Judd.

And saying, it's different now. So then he started emailing me and stuff. I go, I'm almost dead. I mean, there's nothing left here. But anyway. But he's affable. We did the podcast in person with him. It was kind of nice, actually. That is nice, yeah. Now, I saw John, just so the people know. I don't know John very well at all, but I...

obviously think you're funny. And so here's my microphone.

Said so businesslike. I would say that your stand-up is really starting to come into its own. You've got that thing figured out. In the last week. Yeah. Over the weekend. I was eating it. I was bombing so hard until last week. Finally. Can I just say the first time I met John, because it really made me laugh. So I'm hosting this show. I go in a little room. It's Bill Hader and John.

And I didn't know them. They didn't know me. Like, what do you want to do? And I didn't know. I thought people might say a Wayne's World thing or something like that. And you guys both said, our favorite thing you've ever done is Mickey Rooney. Yeah. And like that was, your Mickey Rooney was...

You know, we were talking about how we were going to ask you to do it before you came in the room. It was sort of like, okay, the weak is here. He's here. I immediately... And by the way, Dana, you then told us, we knew the impression from theater stories, the sketch you did on the show. I had never heard the...

unused anecdotes of Mickey Rooney until that day. And I think it's the hardest I've ever laughed was the Juan Corona story, which you now have to tell. Oh, yeah. Mickey Rooney, he was a down point in his career and he had a .38 revolver with him at all times. We were, you know, and he would wave it around. He was at it.

He was at one of the rare down points. Yeah, and he had the gun. 20-year slump. And New York had a crime spree going then in like 1981. He said he would walk around with his hand on the .38 and, they're not going to get me, you know. But he told a story where he, his idea. At this time, Dana, you were doing a multicam with him? Yes. In .30 Rockefeller? With Meg Ryan, Nathan Lane, Scatman Carruthers.

where Letterman and then Conan did their thing. But he did at one point said he wanted to go meet Juan Corona, the serial killer or whatever, murderer. And he says, I was going to walk in there and say, do you know my name? And he'd say, I'm Mickey Rooney. And then I was going to plug him.

If I do Mickey Rooney stories, every time I start to talk about it with people, there's new tributaries and things that I forgot to mention. But maybe that Mickey Mickey stories do that as a sub podcast, like a 20 minute a week. I think about the Mickey story a lot because I like that. He thought he could walk into a maximum security prison.

Like he what he had worked out in his mind was what he was going to say. Yeah, not and not any of the logistics of walking in. I believe Juan Corona was probably a commuted death row sentence, but he would have not been just in an open prison sitch where Mickey Rooney could walk in.

Land a great in quotes line and then shoot him. I never went that far of the logistics of his mindset. Like, how would he get in there? Yeah, but he worked out. He goes, listen, I don't know how to get a gun into a jail. I don't know what will happen the moment after I fire it, but I've got my I know what I'm going to say, which is. Yeah, I am.

John, I've been in a lot of gunfights out in the street and you, you think you'll have a lot of time to do one liners, but it just moves too quickly. That's true. A lot of people only plan the logistics and then they don't, when they land on their mark, they don't have a great, that's right. Or you miss it and you go, ah, the one chance I had and I kind of fluffered my line. What I would have liked is if Mickey Rooney entered the prison, uh,

looked at Juan Corona and said, do you know who I am? And if Juan Corona said, you're Mickey Rooney, then Mickey Rooney wouldn't be able to go. Oh, right, right. And then that could have saved Juan's life. Because he had to explain what he was in. Oh, yeah, he goes, oh, you are Mickey Rooney. No, no. Or if he said, you're Don Knotts. And then he goes, wait, no. Don Knotts.

I was the number one star. Yeah, yeah. You know, John is wearing a hoodie, Dana, and I feel like most people see, don't see you out and about. So,

Is it sort of hoodie, suit, suit, hoodie? What is it? Is there any in between? Since having a baby, it is. Congratulations. The same pair, thank you, the same pair of elastic drawstring khakis and a free t-shirt.

That is what I wear. Merch or something. Yeah. Like a, a Jimmy Kimmel t-shirt. Uh, I have a, um, I have one from the Robin hood foundation from a charity thing I did. I have one for every venue. I asked for a free t-shirt. Uh,

I have a Houston Astros one, a team and a city I have no affiliation with. I wear that very often. But John, doesn't that invite conversation? Like I just wear black t-shirts. If I wear anything with something on it, it invites conversation. And I'm an introvert at like an airport or something. Also known as an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's true. Especially in a black t-shirt. You can't be introverted and wear a black t-shirt. It's very standoffish. Yeah.

Yes, yes. They say, hey, how about those Astros? And John's in the airport going, oh, fuck.

Then John, later that night... I'll go, yeah, they've got a full team this year. It looks like they got a roster. But maybe John's the kind of... They got a full roster this year. You're the type of comedian that if someone said, how about those Astros at the airport? It seems to me that you might have 10 minutes on it within a day or two. The way you write things out from a core idea. I know, I'm a bit of a story seeker, so...

David is too. Yeah. I think I'd be delighted. Me too. You know what I saw on your, uh, when I was looking up stuff about you, I have a couple of questions. One, when you started, uh, I mean, this is SNL stuff. We can go back. It's like I do with comedy notes. It's just, yeah, you're, you're fucked. You're going to get it from all sides. No, we, we just go wherever we've, we're already halfway through. I start, I, when I started Lauren, um,

I saw a couple things you did talking about SNL, and we're just going to really regurgitate them for a slightly bigger audience. We don't know. And I hope we'll have a chance to go through what the week is like. Yeah, we're going to talk about that. No one's ever brought that up. I feel like that's never been covered in any media yet. And what your relationship is with Lorne Michaels. We're going to break the seal on that. Dude, the coat of amuerta that surrounds that office. I like that, the coat of amuerta. When you started, did you do...

Here's my question because I was assigned promos. Did you do promos? So all writers wrote a promo. You're talking about the Thursday standing on the stage promo? Yep. All writers had to submit promos. I wasn't uniquely bad at it, but that's not a skill I have. That's a very special skill. I always wanted promos to be...

really minimal and weird. And I would try to engineer that to happen. And of course, I was wrong. I just I don't have a knack for that. I was very jealous to hear that you were on the floor every week when you were a writer.

Doing promos. Did you hear that? Oh, that is true. Yeah. Yeah. You said that on this podcast. Yeah. Yeah. What happened was I was an okay writer and I was new and it was sort of jury duty. Like Downey would be like, who can we lose for the couple hours during the rewrites? And none of the writers wanted to do it because your nose is in the rewrites. And so we go send Spade down and Lauren and I got along, but you know, there's not much getting along there. It's just promos, but you do get to see the host and the music, which that's fun.

but the pressure that, that Thursday, that Thursday afternoon mess of like,

you know, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers doing soundcheck and then trying to corral a host and a cast member for promos. There's a lot of them. Oh, that is true. They like to have a cast member in and you could write them in. It was kind of a little power trip, but you have to say for people listening, there's like, I don't know, 10 seconds. And then you have to put high, I'm blank with musical guests blank. And then there's like four seconds left for a joke.

And they've already done 10 million promos. You're trying to think of anything weird or different. And I would personally have to write about 20, give them to Marcy Klein. She would hand them in to Lauren or whoever were the hosts and they would kill a lot of them, you know, like.

The host would kill a couple. And they kill them. Now having hosted, they kill them with prejudice. They even go like, we hate this one. We hate this one. We know you won't like it. It's mean. It's mean about you. This writer's an asshole. You know, read it. And I go, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. This writer's trying to fuck you over. I remember I just saw a clip of someone on Instagram and it was a live shot of promos. And it was...

Eddie Vedder was music. Amelia West was the host. And it's me and Lauren just milling around in the back. Wow. And I'm pointing and showing Eddie Vedder something and then Lauren nods his head like, do that one, do the one. Then we step back and they go three, two. So they had like a,

three minute chunk of promos, which is, I didn't know they're filming. It's so weird that that would get out somewhere. And wouldn't Lauren, if you finally got it, wouldn't he put his hands in his pocket and then turn and walk away? I don't know. It seemed like I liked it. Hands in the pocket and he would pivot, but I like it. Yeah. I like Thursdays. Or say something cryptic like, well, less is less. Yeah. Um, some people think it's funny. Hmm.

See you at the party. Are we trying to repel viewers? You know, we're on in all 50 states. I feel like was a note I got a lot on monologue jokes as if I was writing for the crowd at CBGB's in New York. He goes, I know below 14th Street that works. I love that. He literally just thinks of America as just New York.

Especially right before there's going to be a vacation or a break. It's our last show before the break, and it would be nice if it was really, really funny. You're going to see a lot of people over the break, and wouldn't you like it if they said, hey, that last show was really good? We're not nervous enough. And also, I was like, are you seeing a bunch of people during break? Because I'm laying on my couch watching DVDs with a sty in my eye. Only Lauren was doing heavy socializing during the break. Yeah.

His endurance to work that. Yeah. No one like him. A lot of people will tell you you're the funniest one in the show. You're not. Wow. That's what I got a lot. Really? And I go, oh. And he goes, it just happens. It's okay. And I go, well, it stings a little to hear that. I didn't knock on his door and say, Lauren...

I'm hearing a lot of people say I'm the funniest person. It could be actually, it'd be now kind of being, now being out of it for many years and having a wonderful life.

I mean, I always loved Lauren, but having a really nice relationship with him, it would be fun to go back and do those things. I know. I know. Do you think I went, I don't mean to interrupt you. You're with Chris Dodd, but do you think I'm the funniest writer? Yeah. Senator. Because a lot of people in my family, in my high school say I should be on more thoughts on that.

I have family in Milwaukee that think I should be on. They're fucking you, man. Well, you weren't as stressed, were you? Because you were just writing and then they would pop you an update, which is like more of a gift. And it wasn't expected. It's probably better. I had the absolute best situation that you could ask for. Honestly, like I look back on it.

And I was, I had, there were a few gifts. It looked like you were getting up and leaving, David. No, no, I haven't even. No, I like the idea that like, as a listener, that sometimes when someone's about to go into a long story, David always just does a quick errand. I go, I just got to go wash my car. So I writing there means producing there. Like, as you know, so yeah,

You got to produce live television. You work with every department and you're really you really own your piece. You do everything for it. And you're given you're given a nice amount of credit behind the scenes for it. I'd already been doing stand up and continued doing it. And do you know what made the biggest difference? So I got to pop up on Update and honestly, Bill Hader was.

When he would do press about something and they'd talk to him about sketches on the show, it means a lot to me the more over the years I think about it. He would always name me and give me credit for it, which was not done a lot before that. And

I try not to do it. Yeah, no, I try not to do it now that I'm more of an on-camera guy. But no, I... That seems very Bill. It really meant a lot because it was sort of like, oh, I felt like I had a bit of a reputation in comedy as, oh, he's a writer there and we sometimes hear about what he's written. Right. And at the same time, I got to pop up on Update a couple times, which like...

Yeah, that's just that's just 10 million people. I've been on VH1's Best Week Ever a hundred thousand times at that point. So I was like, I've been on TV. But what was your what was your nerve level? That's one of my questions about Best Week Ever. Being a writer and then doing update. Where was your because you're not acclimated to performing your writing and all of a sudden you're in that chair.

And they throw you out. That Saturday was like, oh, not only am I terrified as, not only am I under a lot of stress as a writer, but I like, I have to go out there tonight.

Yeah, those were out-of-body anxious days. Do you remember what you did? What your first one was? Like, here comes John Mulaney saying a word. Yeah, it was Girl Scout cookie season, and I did an editorial about how the Girl Scout business model is completely flawed because they have a tremendously popular product that they sell once a year in front of a Gelson's from a little lunch table. I can't remember specific jokes about it, but...

That was that. So it was like, I remember thinking before I did it, I was like, this isn't real. This is sort of like a...

I've got a complaint about the Girl Scout cookies, you know, like, yeah, like, hey, Girl Scouts. But I was sort of like, I'm so inexperienced at this. I'd rather play an attitude. So I'm like, you know, I'd rather pretend to be the guy actually mad about this. Right. Mad is not a bad angle on update. No, when you need a when you need something interesting.

and you have nothing. It's good to act like you are exasperated. And did you pound the table and get animated or did you kind of push it? I remember at one point I go, have you ever put Thin Mints in the freezer? They're delicious. Like sell them year round. It was just, it was a real like, when in doubt, act extremely exasperated, which I followed my whole career. But I remember before I went out on the update desk, Lauren looked at me and he said, um,

He goes, relax your face. He goes, when you get out there, take a beat, relax your face. Oh, funny. And look directly into the camera like you're talking to someone you know. But I remember relax your face was a good note because I was going to come out like this. Extremely high strung. This year, Dell Technologies back to school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

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7-15-24 and 9-11-24. And Dell will donate $1.75 for each eligible product within your purchase to ComputerAid, capped at $1.2 million total. For details and restrictions, go to dell.com slash deals. John, let me, Dana, I just have seven in a row. I have 19 questions. John, when you go out there and it's Saturday and you're doing update,

I think when you're a writer, the one extra layer you don't think of is how you look. And it sounds egotistical, but all day you're like, oh, wait, I got to get hair, makeup. What am I wearing? And then sometimes they'll go, I wouldn't wear that. And you go, just for an update? What do I wear? And they go, not that. They won't tell you what to wear. Yeah, not that. Not that, yeah. No, I remember I brought my little shirt and sport coat from home.

And it was like a blue shirt and a Navy blue jacket. It was the, you know, safest, safest possible choice. Tested safest. Yeah. I remember showing it to Tom broker and costumes and being like, I go, I go, I was thinking of this.

And he goes, he goes, he went, yeah. As if like to say like, look, we couldn't, we have an entire show to design. We couldn't possibly care what you wear on, on your cut it dress up. Well, that's honest. That's that's. You think you're getting on? Oh, oh, you think you're going all the way to the show? Oh, I know. Yeah, it was that. And I think I said to him like this, this shirt doesn't, uh,

it don't worry. It doesn't like more on camera, you know, the, yeah, like dance on camera. Yeah. It doesn't dance on. Don't worry, Tom, my shirt will be fine on air. He goes, you'll cross my mind at 11 when I realized you're on the show. Yeah. And then we'll ask you to maybe do something about the adult acne. I go, Hey Tom, I brought a shirt. It doesn't wrinkle. I got one of those kinds. It doesn't wrinkle. He's like, I don't give a fuck, dude. And I'm like, okay.

As if, as if, as if like, uh, Emmy and Tony award winning costume designers would be impressed by a wrinkle free shirt. Yeah, I know. That's the funniest part. How'd you get that, man? They're like, well, we're all worried about what you're doing on the show. We don't care. Did anyone ever call any old timer ever call you kid? Cause then you use that in your specials. Hey kid, it ain't going to work out for you, kid. I'll be honest with you, kid.

I will say what was nice was that even people like Phil Himes. Yeah. Lighting director. They learn, they like the, everyone in the booth and they learn your name, which means, you know, so I didn't get kid, but I, I once had a sketch on that was like, and it was an impression parade. It was just every cast member doing an impression. And I changed it a great deal in between dress and air. So on air, I watched in the booth,

And it didn't go great. It was a little clunky. And I'm walking out of the booth and Phil, I walk past Phil. I'm pretty, you know, it's at a low point in the season. Like it's like February doldrums or something. I'm walking past Phil and he goes, not your best work. And I was like getting this, I was getting this, like, I've been here four years kind of edge. So I was like, what Phil? You know, like what? Oh, you got up in his grill.

And he went, and he went, you know why that wasn't good? And I go, I go, why? And he goes, none of the people sounded like the people.

And that's not your fault. But Phil Himes... I know, but I like that review of an impression piece. None of the people sounded like it. Yeah, that's really what you don't want to hear. Just so listeners know, Phil Himes, he seemed old the entire time I was there. And he had this cranky exterior, but then he was an incredible heart of gold underneath and incredibly sweet. But...

But he was kind of intimidating in the early days. What do you want? What do you want? You want a light there? We can't get it there. You know, but then he was then he would put the light there. I got it for you. Yeah. Yeah. And we were once doing I think Fred as Obama.

I didn't write it. Colin Jost wrote it. It was like a Christmastime Oval Office piece. And we wanted Fred to look out the windows behind the desk in the Oval Office and see snow falling, like a kind of a cheesy Christmas moment. So I remember I was for some reason on the floor with Colin and Seth. We were telling Phil...

Oh, boy. What do you want it to look like? We thought it should look. Oh, boy. And he looked at us and he went, I lit John Kennedy in the White House and walked away. Oh, wow. Yeah. David, I heard a story that you and Phil had like a close relationship. Is that right? Phil Himes? Yeah. I did think...

I mean, other than having sex, we were just sort of like buddy, buddy. No, he would just always bust my balls when I walk around there. So I thought it was funny. Well, I heard when you were hosting, he came out and said...

Oh, God, he's back. Yeah, of course. That's very fair. And I heard you said, Phil, I heard you died. Well, he is old. Well, he was 60 for 50 years. I mean, he was, yeah. He was a hard 90 when I met him. It was like that. I think one of the first things I learned at SNL was that Don Pardo and Phil Himes, two extremely integral people here, are friends.

solidly north of 90s. Yeah, mid to late 90s and spry. Yeah, like one of the most, a couple of the most important people here are north of 90 and like, you got to give them a wide berth at the pudding table. I heard you say something about asking about how people date the host now. And I thought it was so funny because

I think you were saying that it sounds, for us, it sounds a little dicey. Like back in our day, the hosts were so off limits as far as just mentally, you know, you don't do anything. And I remember we had, and we have beautiful hosts. We have talented, I think Marissa Tomei was there after my cousin Vinny. And there's so many that were great, but I would be so scared if you even flirted with the host

And it got back to you, you know, like they complain like HR. And then Lauren, David, were you asking out Susan Day? You're making her uncomfortable. Like if it came back that you were making a host uncomfortable, wouldn't that be, it's obviously worked every time so far, but it seems like if you asked that host and they didn't like it, then it would be, you'd be in so much trouble. I can't, I literally, I didn't even know we could,

Like hang out. Yeah. I would have never been like, you know, I would always be like, I'll have, I'll have the, I'll have a page call your manager's assistant. You know, the idea of even like reaching out personally. And I wrote a lot of outside this show. I wrote a lot of monologue. No, during the week. I mean, like I wrote a lot of monologues and occasionally there'd be this like, Hey, Thursday night, 2 a.m. Or Friday night, 2 a.m. The host wants, the host suddenly has a thought about the monologue and that, that,

That was fine. That's what the schedule was. But like, yeah, to even be in contact with a host, let alone ask them out. And without having a script in your hand to walk up to them for what reason? You know what I mean? I know. Hey, what's up? I always felt like when Simon Rich and I, in most weeks, we wrote a monologue for the host. I didn't even sense if they thought we were writers. Like, I think they thought we were just like...

two children with pieces of paper who kept asking them like not personal questions but like wikipedia level questions be like we would just be like so um maybe something about i think your family has a lot of dogs and they'd be like why are you telling me about that i'd be like we're just trying to think of any angle for you yeah it is hard because no one introduced you like as the writers you just walk up and they go go ask

And you have to go up to some huge star and say, hey. I always liked Tuesday night when they bring the host around to each office because they could be the biggest star in the world, but they had to sit on my couch. Filthy. They had to sit on my, with me and Bobby Moynihan smoking inside with the window cracked.

As if that's at all acceptable. And like, you just had to sit there, Mick Jagger. Sit there. And now you're going to hear a crummy idea. Now you're going to hear an idea that kind of makes fun of you that you won't like. Now you're going to hear a fake idea. And then if you like it, it's a real idea. I make fake questions. I go, Mick, can you do a Russian accent? And he goes, probably. And I go, nah, this one's out.

I crumpled up. That's very funny. I'll save this for next week. I remember pitching an idea in my office to Josh Brolin and he went, I mean, well, it's not funny. And I thought, I was like, okay, that's the litmus test. Like, I'm not going to, oh, he's sort of like, I mean...

And I didn't mean to make it sound like he was really harsh. It was more like, well, you can write it. It's not funny. And I was like, well, then you've just saved me a couple hours. You could spend the rest of the night writing it. I'll pull it from read through.

Yeah, and I'll have it pulled and I'll let them know I told you I didn't like it. So you'll be in trouble with Marcy. Dude, when a host is reading a sketch and it's your sketch and they quietly give up in the middle, it's so sickening just to watch them take a diet. They don't really get it. I've seen hosts suddenly put the celery in their mouths. Truly be like, I'm going to eat during the rest of this.

Just a signal. Yeah. Or they're whispering if they can get an order of food sent in during your sketch. Like, hey, is there any way they can?

You always try to discern a little bit. I know we talked about this before, like Lorne reading the stage directions. Does he stay involved? Does he kind of think he's hooking something great or is he sort of middle of the road or is he done with it? There's a whole energy thing. It's hard to tell sometimes. Yeah, because Lorne reads the stage directions and he starts out pretty high energy, like CNN bumper. Yeah. Yeah.

And then... That's it. I like when he kind of summarizes it towards the end. He'll start to summarize it like, Kristen has a hat and walks in and Kim is there. Like, he'll read a whole paragraph and boil it down to the Kim books. Kristen enters...

as Reba McIntyre says. Five hours in. It really takes the energy out of it, and you're like, uh-oh, he gave up. David enters with funny height. When people write long stage directions to describe some farcical, slamming doors comedy, I'm always like, you know who's going to read that, don't you? You know how that'll get presented at read-through, don't you, homie? Yeah, or they write, Schneider used to write, or he would call you out. Like if you go...

And then the doorman, played by Phil Himes, and everyone laughs, and Rob goes, Trek, not a real laugh. Don't count it. He would yell that out during replays? Yeah, he would say, Trek, Trek, because he didn't want you to get Schneider. Oh, Schneider. It's a trek. It's a total trek. It's not funny. Yeah, because you're not going to get that laugh on the real show. It's not funny. Read through laugh. Read through laugh. Flag. Flag.

Man, how was that graded? That's a little harsh. No, Schneider was funny because he would do things to almost intentionally rub you wrong just to go, oh, that's fine. Yeah. He'd say about three years in, you're coming along. Anyway...

By the way, copy machine guy. I watched your, I think it was your last monologue on there. Uh, any differences hosting along the way, other than you're just getting better at it or you, maybe you're not getting better at it. It's five times in like with a COVID year in between. So like in three years, five or something very, that's a lot. Yeah. Two in 2020. So what's that all about? Two, two, two. I'd like to do two in a pandemic. Yeah. Uh, that was the request. That was, um,

That was a really, well, wait, what's the question? I don't know. It was, it's been so cool. It's been so fun. Um, I definitely have had thoughts like, I'm like, Oh, maybe the second time I hosted was, I, I, I, uh, believe when Lauren says you're getting better each time. Cause that makes sense. There's moments where I go, Oh, but on the second time I hosted, I had this laugh here and whatever. Uh,

But I've had more and more fun each time. The first time I hosted, I was deeply in my head about... Yeah, normal. It wasn't going to be good. And this wasn't only not going to be good, but everyone was going to go, see, we told you to stay behind the camera. We've been clear with you where you belong in this show. The audacity of you to show up and try to do this. Like, I really thought like...

I had a very weird kind of, I was like, I remember the Friday night before I was like miserable. I was like, I'm so bad at SNL. And that's the thing I thought I knew the best. And then I had a really fun show and I realized that I was just trying to make myself miserable and,

because if I'm miserable the night before, then it will be a good show. That's a good trick. This trick I used to do, but I try not to do it anymore because it's too excruciating throughout the day and like mental health wise to stretch myself to, sorry, to tie myself into knots so that I quote unquote, you know, deserve a good show because I'm so miserable. By the second time I hosted, I made an active choice. I was like, I'm going to be happy all week. I'm going to have fun all week. And,

And if it's a bad show, then I'll know that it was wrong to have fun, but at least I will have had fun. And it was a very good show. So since then I've been like, you have to enjoy these weeks. Otherwise, otherwise what's the point? It is, it is funny to take such a beating and,

of over yourself when you host. Dana's probably feels the same way. You're just so stressed. And then at the end, you're like, why do I even do this? Like right before the show, you're like, I feel so sick and tied up and twisted. And then you go, I did it. And you're like, so I did it. Now the fun starts. I'm at the wrap party. It's the only time I'm starting to have fun. It's over. And you realize, could I just...

Get to the point where I have fun the whole time. I had a little bit of... I couldn't really live up to what the lucky, crazy, fortunate three or four years I had on the show with Wayne's World and all the stuff, so...

It was always, you'll do Church Lady, and then it was, you'll do George Bush Senior, and it's like 18 years later. So the thing in my head was like, how do I compete with that across the board? And that was kind of difficult for my... And especially, I think what's nice...

The way it's happening for you, John, is that it's kind of condensed. It's not like you hosted it in 2013 and then you're coming back eight years later. I think it's kind of nice that you've done five already in a short period of time just to acclimate to that.

Yeah, yeah. No one's expecting a lot of growth. Well, you have those crazy, those stand-up specials, and then your monologue is always great, pretty much, right? Right. Because that's your superpower. And so that sets a great tone. But also, I remember saying to Gerard Carmichael, who had an amazing episode as a host this year, who's a brilliant comedian and a brilliant many things. I remember I was like...

It was when I was talking to him, I realized I was like, oh, you know what? It's eight minutes of stand up in front of 10 million people. And you're the only thing.

I realized it's like you're the only thing on NBC for 10 minutes. Like your standup is the only thing happening on Saturday. Terrifying yourself. That's a very relaxing. I find that kind of emboldening. It's like, wow. You got to go out with an attitude. I mean, how do you do your specials? I mean, how many times do you shoot a special? Like say Kid Gorgeous. Just two shows. Two in one night? Two shows. I think it was one night.

And so how do you deal with that pressure if the first show in your mind is like a C plus just in your mind? The first show of Kid Gorgeous was a C plus in my mind. I was so disappointed. I couldn't believe it. I'd been on tour for so long. And now this special was bad. It was going to be so bad that everyone would be mad at me.

or disappointed in me and say, you used to be good and you're bad and we don't like you and all of that stuff. And everyone's therapy. Um, we'll talk about that. It's, it's funny. I've had a ton of it. So go ahead. Well, John, also the cameras are there. I've done a few, but the cameras are there. It just throws it off somehow. It's just not a normal club or theater night when there's cameras, the audience is stressed. Everyone's different. It's just not the way it normally is. I, the,

the thing is like, I remembered that it's, I thought one, the second show felt better. So that, so when I, when I say I came to some epiphany, I didn't just the second show felt better, but were I to pretend I had an epiphany that night, I'd say no one else has done every show with me. So they're not comparing them. And this is the film of the material. Like I,

A special is for the cameras. And I think it was Whitney Cummings gave me that advice after she had done her sitcom Whitney and then she did her first special after that. And I remember she said to me, we play so big because we're trying to play it at the back of the room, but...

I think it had been something she learned doing a, you know, three camera sitcom, like it's for the camera. And I thought about that each time since that it's for the camera, the size of the performance is for the camera.

And also you, I mean, where the area where you could maybe have a good night or a bad night, because the material is immaculate and it's really, really, it's like a magic trick. It's so fun to watch your standup. Oh, thanks. Because it's flowing so organically. Wait, he's talking to me. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah. I said that to David before the show. But then you're also doing a lot of sneakily physical comedy and you're throwing your voice and you're moving. So you're performing it as well. So I would assume on some nights,

with a hot crowd you may take a rhythm slightly further or the bit you did about Jagger not funny you'd throw one more in is that where there's a little bit of improv when you're on and the crowd is with you you go to that other level oh my god when I have when the crowd is with me

Sometimes when the crowd's not with me, I'm like, do I even have skills? Like, can I even perform to a slightly indifferent audience? Like, I should be able to do this. Like, I should be able to still do the 90 minutes. But if they're not, like, if you don't feel like they're, you know, carrying your chair at the Jewish wedding, like, you know, if you don't feel that, like, bounce, I'll suddenly be like, how the hell do I do this? What do I give it? Like...

What am I doing? I'm giving a speech. Well, you think like you're horrible. You're like, am I doing standup? Because nothing's working. It's almost like, did this turn into a corporate gig? Why am I? And then I always want to ask the audience, I go, I want to be like, Hey, are you embarrassed for me? Is that happening now too? Yeah.

Are you nervous for me? You feel the discomfort in the room and then the elephant in the room that no one is saying and you can't hear it is like this realization on their side, not as good as I thought he would be. I guess this is kind of a rough night.

And then sometimes it takes a lot of guts and a lot of determination to go, fuck it. And you try to win them and you normally can't, but you just really the last- Sickening, yeah. 15 minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I think that is the right move. I remember when Nick Kroll and I were doing Oh, Hello on Broadway, our director, Alex Timbers said to us, because doing eight shows a week for 16, 18 weeks, whatever it was- Brutal.

Well, we'd have crowds that were just Broadway ticket holders who heard, oh, there's a comedy and didn't know it was me and Nick screaming in turtlenecks and being insane. And...

Alex Timber said to us, hey, I noticed that some nights when the crowds aren't great, you guys decide to pull way back and just amuse each other and you do the show poorly. And we were like, yeah, because fuck them. It's only $300. I remember he goes, here's an idea. When they're not good, you guys try to be twice as good.

And we were like, oh, as if it was like another way to show them we don't care. But it was a good trick he put in our heads because now when it's bad, I think, well, I'm going to pretend this is on film. Sure. And people will study it.

in terms of how good you can be even when a crowd is bad. I think people, you know, when you're not doing well and people later say, no, it was good. There's some people that smile and the vibe of the crowd isn't to be too noisy. So they don't want to be too loud. So they're just kind of liking it and smiling and they don't know it's a bad show. And later they go, not at all. They don't. I thought it was great. And you're like, and you're telling them how bad it was. And they're like,

no, it wasn't that bad. And you go like that part, that part normally gets, that part normally goes to applause and normally. Ah, normally. Yeah. You're like, that was my favorite part. And I'm like, a lot of times there's someone in the front row that looks like my dad. So I go, oh, there he is now. And everyone that normally goes to applause, but that didn't happen tonight. Ah,

And they're like, oh, so it was bad. What is it about when we were, when I was coming up, like Steve Martin was God, he was huge and he would play stadiums or arenas. And now there's so many comedians and I'll bring it back around to you that just are playing 20,000 seaters. And I don't know when this started for you, but now you're playing Madison Square Garden for four nights. Have I read it right? Or three nights, three nights, three nights. So what does that do to your brain? How do you think about yourself? Like, cause,

that is so much love of your fans. I mean, it's just like insane, right? How do you wrap your mind around that? One should not get used to it. I just keep thinking that like, it's pretty, it's,

It's pretty funny, man. It's pretty... Yeah, it's just a big room. It's a big room. Well, I mean, I just want to give you a compliment. It's so hard to get to those big venues. And I was looking, you're on a tour right now. And if you look at the venues, I'm like, holy shit, this guy is hitting the biggest spots ever.

And Hollywood Bowl is huge. Who would ever get to play that as a stand-up? You don't even think of that when you're a stand-up. Yeah, he's playing Northern California. There's a stadium in the Sierra Nevadas, and it's an open-air thing. I'm playing Yellowstone. You're playing Yellowstone? But what do you do with... That's a big gig. Like, when you go out... It feels... It's like... It's a kind of... I wouldn't say... Okay. Okay.

Um, I wouldn't say it's imposter syndrome, which might sound really arrogant. I don't mean like I'm up there and I'm like, yeah, I belong here. But I do recognize that the crowds have grown and grown. And now we're in a now we're in a basketball court. Yeah. And that's home base. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there's sort of a like.

"Okay, this is where it's at now." And I'm so lucky. There's a few things happening at once. It's only been this year that I've played arenas. It's the first tour I've had since a couple trips to rehab institutions.

So what do you mean rehab? I haven't heard this story. Well, listen, no one knows about this. Well, that I want to ask you only about that, how it pertains to your stand up just because it pertains to like, I think if I.

Oh, man, thank God cocaine and arenas didn't overlap. Oh, dear God, I'm just realizing now that would have been a disaster. There is something extremely fun. There's an energy about playing an arena that's very like, holy shit.

If ever a person took this for granted, they might become rather intolerable. That's what I think. And so I'm really lucky to do it. I know it won't, it will just, it can't sustain. It won't be this forever. So at the moment, I'm just kind of like, enjoy it because this is literally...

you know, like this won't last and that's okay. So I wouldn't say it's imposter syndrome so much as I'm acutely aware that this is just a moment in time. Dana, the road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories. Oh yeah. Or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is straightforward path every time. All you got to do is head over to good old bluenile.com. Good news, David, on bluenile.com.

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Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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So, you know, you have those specials that explode on Netflix and then you do the five hosting and then there's the pandemic and then you have this rehab issue. Did you ever think that that would? I didn't have an issue with rehab. It was more drugs. Oh, OK. So that led to the rehab. But rehabs are quite healthy.

It feels to me like there was a, your fan base just saw you more human and it, do you feel a bigger connection in a way? Maybe it's like an Oprah question or something, but with your fans after that episode? I'm really, yeah, I. Because they're your friend, you know what I mean? They relate and everybody's got issues. I can't like, there's no, I'll just be kind of sappy for a second. We love that here. It means like, I didn't know if I'd,

be on a stage again. Like I didn't know what, I was at a point where it wasn't just that like today was miserable. It was that I could absolutely guarantee you tomorrow was miserable. So to be doing shows and to, you know, look, I, it's, I'm aware that someone's persona and,

You know, I'm aware that it might have thrown I'm aware that it was a new information to people. I've been I've been up front that I'd used drugs in the past, but I understand it was new information to people. I I'm I think I'm humble enough to know that, like, you know, fans can, you know, I'm very grateful people come to the shows like it's not that I think that that.

you know, revelation about me would make people not come. I don't mean that. I just mean that I also like I want to be a realist about entertainment and to to maybe have one kind of image and then have it be made clear I was dealing with a lot more stuff and then have people still come that sort of I feel very lucky to physically be there on stage. And I feel like

It is so nice. I feel so lucky that- If you don't, John, if you don't mind talking about it, when you said you maybe didn't think you'd ever do it again, what kind of bottom was that? I mean, were you seriously thinking, I may never do stand-up anymore? It was like- You don't have to answer this question. It was almost like being in, it was kind of like, that's a good question.

Exactly how to articulate it. It was a bit like a horror movie where I was like, how did I... I don't trust... This sounds a little dark, but it's not a super happy topic, so that's fine. I was sort of like...

don't trust being alone with me i mean i'm the person that did all this damage to myself you're with when you're a drug addict you're with the person that has tried to destroy you all the time so i just didn't have a sense of i was like uh wow i don't know if the person in charge of this life

has any clue what they're doing. It wasn't so much, oh, I can't do standup without drugs. Cause I wasn't, I didn't use and do standup. That wasn't really what was happening. It was more like, I might have absolutely no idea how to manage my life.

It was the second episode was maybe harder in a way. Yeah, because I had a lot of problems when I was in my early 20s and I'd stopped by age 23 and had a long bout of sobriety. But yeah, through prescription drugs and other things started to slip and then.

slipped hard. And do you think that it's a genetic predisposition, like the way your brain is situated and the way the drugs hit your brain? Can you specify why it appealed to you at that level? Because it seems like addicts sometimes have, they can be hypersensitive or redundant thinkers or whatever kind of mental health would predispose them to want to. So, yeah, it's a good question because I...

I do love life. Like I have a lot of fun. I always, I always have laughed very hard multiple times a week with like really funny friends. And like, I I'm lucky to be in this life as a comedian where it's pretty fun. Yeah. I have my own, I have my own demons, but it's pretty, it's pretty fucking fun. I wouldn't trade it for anything. So yeah,

I was also like, I had a very, I have wonderful parents. I had a lot of green lights. It's hard to say that I had some inclination to mess up my life. A couple of things in my case, I think I've had a lot of anxiety in life. So some of the chemicals that help that

I certainly are very addictive. And then I think I think I mean, I do think addiction is a disease and I think I have this, you know, oh, let's do more. Oh, let's do more. I mean, there's something in my brain that does that. It wasn't always, you know, it wasn't it wasn't a story of someone who, you

was always going to self-destruct. The life just became hard. And now you're out the other side and you have a son. So it's such a complete shift. So then that's like, okay, that's real grown-up stuff, right? When I heard you had... It's the greatest. When you were in rehab, I was like, I don't think so. That guy wears a suit.

Yeah, people in, I mean, it's been proven people in ties don't have. I mean, through me. And did we have dinner at Koi one night? Was it me, you, Dana and Hayter? Was it? And Judd? And Judd. Yeah. Yeah. That's like one of the few times we've gotten to even, that was a fun night. We took a picture. Yeah, we did take a picture. You guys came and did my Largo show. Yeah, it was great.

Uh, uh, Dana, you and Bill read. Yeah. Sketches. Oh, that's right. Yeah. A sketch that I wrote, um, with Bill, some father, Dana hosted the same, the same hosting stint when we,

bombarded you with Mickey Rooney requests. - But I was regrettable at the time. The only thing about Mickey Rooney was the first time I had some prosthetics that created the illusion and it helped me too doing Mickey Rooney. And then that time, whatever quick change for whatever reason, it kind of looked like me and it just didn't, you know, and then Casey Kasem bombed. - Did you have little legs?

- The first time you did it? - I did the first time. - Yeah. - For some reason, something, the look wasn't the same. And then Casey, it wasn't my best hosting effort, but I love to- - Well, I think I'm in large part, I'm in large part to blame for that. - He goes, "The lighting was bad that week." - Now that I remember that you remember that the Mickey Rooney and Casey Kasem that we begged you to do.

We're not at the moment. But I love the passion, how much you guys loved it. And Casey Kasem killed a 300-seat theater. Bill and I read it again in front of you. We explained it a little better. It's sketch 101. They just didn't hook it. It was over in the corner. Too big of a set, too. Too big of a set. Giant set.

They didn't. I always want, I always want sketches like that to just look like a Garfield cartoon. Like I, like a single square animation cell. Like you just want massive. Yeah. And it was a massive backyard. The sketch was Casey Kasem and his son, JC Kasem. JC. Are having a fight and they both talk like Casey Kasem. And, uh,

You know, it was like, son, I know you've been borrowing money to buy crystal meth. And how do you know that, dad? Here's a letter. Like it was just them both. There was a letter? Son, I know that you've been borrowing money to buy crystal meth.

And here's a letter. It's that classic Casey Kasem, for people who've ever heard of him, rhythm. And then, you know, checking in at number five, the boss. My favorite line was, well, dad, you are always hounding me with questions. When are you going to stop hanging out with those deadbeats? When are you going to do something with your life?

and which female vocalist had more number one hits than any other? Debbie Boone. And then Dana says, the answer, Mariah Carey. So why do you think for young people? Why would that bomb? I thought it was because. Too big of a set. We've already explained. It wasn't the right. It wasn't the performance.

I was washing my car, John. It was a quiet, they're kind of quiet voices and they don't really project that much. And I think if you're in the audience and a camera's going by or they're leading a horse across the studio, they don't hook it. Leading a horse across the studio. Just noise.

distractions yeah it was cold opening in the center with a simple you're at home base where you have one of those secret sets dainty's to go never be in the fucking dead zone over there i would go where they were writing up the planning where the sketches would be you'd go tell why is my sketch not there yeah go ahead yeah i remember watching i think it was a wayne's world i was talking to steve higgins and i was like

Why is this, I mean, besides the fact that it was so popular, I was like, what is the, why does this feel like they're just yelling directly at an adoring audience? And he was like, cause those were at home base. Like everything, everything that seems like, why is this like right in the lens, right down the barrel, right to the audience. So then all of us would go up to Don Roy King during the production meeting Wednesday night.

All the writers would go like, we think this could play at home base. We think it could play at home base. I remember one time he had, because they write in, they basically, they pencil in everything that will go in one section. And there were like six sketches that were trying to play at home base. Well, they would say to me, well, you can't have it at home base because you have an entrance. And I go, what if I get rid of the entrance? And they go, well, then you could have it at home.

Oh, wow. What a scammer. Then I would go to Victoria Jackson and go, you got to just be in the set the whole time. I was going to, I don't know how much longer we have, but I was going to just ask you your latest thoughts about your son and how old is he? Because I don't follow. Okay. My son, Malcolm, is six months old. Okay. So you and your significant, Olivia, are racing for that first mile in the morning when he's in his crib.

And we're racing for that first, what'd you say? Smile. The first smile. He's smiling now, right? Smile. I thought you said the first mile. I'm a little bit drunk. No, but anyway, no, we, that's very funny. You mentioned that we both love to wake him up together and he, he'll be kind of like what I love about Malcolm is,

One, he's my son. So that's what I love about him. That's good. It's good you love him as good as your son. But also, he's so independent. Like, I listen to him on the Miku, on the baby monitor, and he's just babbling to himself. Yeah.

Like as he's trying to fall asleep, he's just talking like, ah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He kind of sounds like Jiminy Glick. Like he's like, ah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or Adam Sandler. Yeah, a little bit like Adam Sandler. Yeah, there's a lot of low register, like, ah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. He's doing characters. He's doing character work. And also I think he enjoys the reverberation of his voice.

in this, when he was sleeping in this pack and play the other night. And I was like, you really just, you love your, you love the sound that it's making in your little crib there. So we love to come in and he's just, I don't know. He's so independent. He's just chatting with his like stuffed elephant in the crib with him.

Well, that moment where they wake up and they're sleeping. So right now when we're traveling. Yeah, and he sees you. We have a pack and play, so we unzip the top of it, this cover. And he's sitting there and goes, like flashes the biggest flash. And then his face goes, boom. And that pack and play is like a duffel bag you carry him in or something? Well, it does kind of fold up into...

What looks like those bags they carry machine guns in. Yeah. It's like, it's a long black bag that becomes a crib. Because at the beginning, it's just a shoe box. You have to carry them in. And then as they get older, I don't know how it works. Yeah. When a baby's born, they tell you to put it in a shoe box with newspapers. And,

And you got to keep them stimulated. There's a lot of focus on kids. It even started when I was. Oh, more now. My God. You must be getting it from all sides. You got to have a mobile and keep them mentally stimulated. You'll make a genius. You feed them this way. It's like so much. Yeah, goddamn. Everyone's got an opinion. Yeah, he likes songs that the Wrecking Crew worked on.

The famous studio musicians. He kind of likes like, there's something about that. Yeah, the Righteous Brothers and those Phil Spector wall of sound. I think there's something sonically to a baby. You know, like I've always said, babies love Phil Spector. Well, the baby, when he's three, if he picks up a rock, people will go, he's going to be an archaeologist. I mean, everyone's going to want to project. I think he's funny like you. You know, I've seen it. Anyway. There's nothing like Instagram when they say,

And Instagram, there's always someone in trouble for doing something wrong with their kids and then everyone writes in a million comments. You should not do that. It's like, why do you give a fuck about my kid? Are you going to come babysit? I've always wanted to put as a caption, if anyone has any parenting thoughts, please, please leave them in the comments. Yeah, please. I'm about to give my six-month-old a bunch of pork sausage and dairy. If anyone has any thoughts...

What's a good toaster I should put in the tub with him? Yeah. But, John, I would say we have to let you go. But first of all, great chatting. I saw you at Largo. I saw Olivia the other night. It was a lot of fun to see you. You were hilarious. It was great to see you. David, we were talking for a while that just you backstage talking about trying to sell your house was...

The funniest five minutes. Thank you. I heard. You know, it's funny. My special just came out. You guys are talking about specials. It came out on thedirt.com, right? On the real estate website.

That's where my special came out, which was so stupid to release it there. It was released on Dirt.com. Yeah, everyone knows about your house now. What's the name of the special, David? Let's do some housekeeping. Oh, it's called Nothing Personal. I wanted to say to John and Danny, you might feel this, when you get to bigger... I don't tour as much...

Actually, this first time I was sort of doing some theaters and they're not as big as yours. But even if it's two, three thousand seats, I sometimes feel like I'm not enough. It's almost like more pressure to go. I can picture a band here like wailing away to fill this big energy. So much more energy than a club. And people are paying more and it's a big deal. There's a line outside. And you go, I'm just here talking a little bit. It feels like it's not enough for them.

And I had a weird thing about that where I go, I want to be extra good or do a little something more razzle dazzle. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, that's why I really like, uh,

I mean, I remember hearing an interview with Chris Rock when Bring the Pain came out about how why he paces so much. It's like, I got to fill the stage. And I've never forgotten that. I mean, I like a lot of mic cord and a lot of walking. Yeah. And I never saw, I always think that I'm like, this is just me. This is like a random person talking about

right very specific topics what is this and everyone's just quietly listening yeah maybe I'll just yeah I mind they they got off stage talking about having a tough set like my first taping you know most comics for you listeners

pick a place and they do two shows in one night mostly yeah adam got adam got to a little more but uh you know you do that then you pick the best of the two whatever and i got off stage my opener wasn't doing as well as he usually does and i'm like oh please don't be a fucking tough crowd

You know, and then I get on it and they were tough for the first five. And I'm like, these people are coming to see me and they're my fans. And this is tough. And I get off and I go, shit, well, second one will be a little better. And they go, you know, they have N95s on. I go, no, they don't. And no one told me.

masks on. So you went out and didn't know they were all in the N95s? I didn't even think because we moved it there because it was during COVID and they go, you do get a crowd. They might have to wear masks, but I think of the blue ones, but I heard they walked in, everyone had to take theirs off and they were given the worst kind of drywall mask. What state was this in? It was Minnesota and I have to say, they were a good crowd. It's just when 50% of it's gone and

And you can't hear it as, cause they're, they even look like a good crowd. They're moving, they're bending over laughing. And I'm like, and you know, I just see the front rows, but I go, Oh, what's going on? Cause it's so bright. When I taped, I couldn't really see what I can. Yeah. Six weeks to do it when they didn't have to have them. Well, it wasn't to bore the shit out of you. It was in Austin. And because Netflix, there's some rules you have to for COVID blah, blah. And Austin said, no, we won't abide by it. So I'd either wait six months or,

Or the next weekend I was doing, well, you guys go out now. They're not wearing masks or they're not. No, there's still a, there's still a couple, but I think it's, I think it's dealer's choice. I think you, yeah. Cause I see people with them, but those are for a while there was show your vax card or if you don't have it,

you get sorry if you showed your back start you got a wristband if you didn't have a wristband you had to have the mask on there's been but crowds have been really understanding about it which is nice at least they're still coming which is nice and that's whenever there's a surge too whenever there's a surge on tour it's sort of like okay you know some stuff might get cancelled and like what's whatever is best for the health and safety of the crowd is the best choice

But I'll sometimes look at the map and my calendar and be like, well, I got it. Luckily, luckily, like my Florida and Arizona won't cancel. Yeah. You look at a few states where you're like, they're never going to cancel. They're never going to cancel. Well, they say some people for a while there during when there's a last surge, they go,

just expect about 20 to 30% don't show. They buy the tickets, it's sold out, but they don't come and you go, oh, because they get scared. So it's sort of a bummer because you want the people, whoever gets ticket to come. Sometimes it's tricky. I found that like people in Los Angeles have been more careful than anyone else I know. Like I was in New York for a lot of the early pandemic. People were obviously extremely sheltering in place then. However, there still was a bit more of a,

sometimes a bit of a cavalier attitude. Like, look, we're gonna go out, we're gonna try to do this. LA seemed more locked down for longer, but then this Netflix is a joke festival came and like everyone I knew who used to lecture about like spray down your groceries with, you know, like all those people are suddenly like at a huge brunch with Kevin Hart, you know, everyone went out.

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Well, John, thank you. And, you know, I always thought you'd make a good day. And it wouldn't make a good talk show host. Great monologue. If he ever wants to do that, he's got a good gig going. I mean, as Malcolm gets older, you'll be financially so secure. You'll be able to pick your dates and pick how you want to work. You know, I go now. It's your he won't miss you now, but you're going to want to be around when he's, you know.

seven and eight, nine, 10, 11, 12. Those are the, those four years. My friend, Dan Levy and I, a wonderful comedian and a good friend of mine, Dan Levy and I talk often, Dana, about, you know how you specifically are,

We were like, that might be the best life ever to name a corporate rate that is so high, but have so many people meet it. And you can edit this out if you're uncomfortable. Oh, no, no, not at all. When you just kept doing, I was like, man, what an amazing...

We talked so greedily about like, man, just to hear Carvey describe all those corporates. I truly wanted to get out. I wanted to get out of them. They kept saying yes. I kept going up and up and up and hoping I'd get out of them. But it was very... I know. It's the greatest problem I've ever heard anyone having. And we're so envious of it. Well, it's a nice adaptive way when the kids are in their 40s. You were off SNL. You were living in Northern California. In Marin.

And you were naming the highest rates possible. Yes, it was very, very good. I was hiding in plain sight, making more money than maybe almost anyone but like big movie stars, but no one knew. So they just figured I was broke. So that was good. But it's a pretty good schedule for a dad because you could take two months at Christmas, take summers off and have your, just adapt your schedule to when you want to be with them. So anyway. Yeah.

It is great. Are you guys going out? Are you guys on the road now too? David is. I'm on the road. I'm doing a scripted podcast finishing up, which is hard. It's like making the White Album. It really has taken a year to do it with my two sons. Oh, right, right. Yeah. I've heard on this...

I've heard on this podcast. Yeah. So I'm working on that, but I'm kind of itching to do standup again. I don't know what I would say or what I would do though at this age, you know, cause it's like, you don't want to be boring. That's, that's the worst sin of a standup. I think it's hard. You don't want to be canceled, but you don't want to be canceled. You want to be honest. You want to be real. You want to be funny. But for me doing small clubs with my sons, I figured out for me personally being a sketch player at heart, um,

I was so much better in small rooms. I mean, because I'm doing these little intricate little characters and stuff. So I love small rooms, but big rooms play different. You know, if they have screens, it's very nice. I'm sure Madison Square Garden, you're going to have big screens. Yeah. Yeah. There's sort of these like portrait length screens. They really do. I was very when this tour started, I was like, OK, yeah.

this is going to be cool, but is this going to just be like yelling in a hockey arena and everyone's like, what? You got to see the faces and stuff. Yeah, the production and my tour manager, Beth, like it's been made into a really good show, I think. Yeah. He's like, I have Kid Rock's trucker guy that runs the 18-wheeler with all my stuff. My favorite thing about touring arenas is that, is like,

talking to bus drivers. Who they just had here. Yeah, who were you just with? Robert Plant, Steve Harvey, then you. And I'm like, I love it. I love that guy. Have you ever gotten right before you went on dinged like that from some well-meaning crew guy? Last week, Sinbad came in here. I got to tell you.

He took every local reference. He destroyed. Now, Dan Aflarfo. I mean, do you ever get dinged like that where it's like Chris Rock levitated this arena last week? I don't think he was trying to ding me, but I still remember. No, no, not unintentionally. No, no, no. But no, Brian Dorfman, a booker, a promoter. Excuse me, Brian. I apologize. You're a producer and a promoter and whatever other things you do. But I was backstage at Nashville Zany's and I

We're standing there and I'm really about to walk out and he just goes, "I remember promoting Pauly Shore

And when the door opened and the shadow of his profile hit the stage, I've never heard a crowd go crazier. It's like as I'm about to walk out. I've never heard a crowd go crazier for someone. And it was the greatest stand-up show I'd ever seen. I know. They go on and on. It was? No one has ever done anything like this, but you'll be fine. Then he pauses and goes, hey, got any new stuff?

I remember someone else at Zany's Nashville. I was like, at that same weekend, I was like, who are your favorite comics? And this woman, Ruthann, who was managing the club, I go, who are your favorite comics? You know, and like a lot of people, this was like 2008.

You know, people would go like, oh, Adele Hedberg. You know, people just list the same names. And she goes, okay. Oh, here we go. I was like, uh-huh. And I can't remember exactly the three, but the first was Tony Rock. She goes, Tony Rock. I go, okay. She goes, funnier than Chris. I go, okay. Okay. Uh-huh. She goes, funnier than Chris. Chick McGee, I think maybe is a...

The last one was Killer Bees, who's a... Killer Bees, wow. Killer Bees is a road... Is an American comedian not known to everyone, but she goes, Killer Bees is the best comic.

I've ever seen my life. Funnier than Chris. You know you need new material. You know you need new material when someone says to you, no matter how many times I hear your stuff, I still laugh. You know you need to do it. Yeah, yeah. The sound guys, the lighting technicians, everyone I'm on this tour with is amazing. And they...

They are very sweet about it, but they're like, "As we're setting up, we just recite your jokes." And I was like, "Man, that's such a compliment, but it makes me feel like, 'So you're saying I don't have enough new stuff?'" Yeah. All right, Jon, get out of here. It's nice to see you. I like that you guys are acting like I have somewhere to be, but I don't. I know. I keep making the interview longer.

I know, but it is fun because people like to hear from you. Oh, one little SNL memory I have of just how big and inescapable the show felt was I was hired August 7th, 2008. And then we had the commercial writing weeks. We start pre-production for the show. Not pre-production. We start, everyone's kind of back and we're going to shoot commercial parodies.

Then we have the first show week and the first show that I was ever a part of. Michael Phelps hosted and it was the first time Tina Fey did Sarah Palin. So that fall, SNL is like back kind of like to being...

when you guys were on. Like it felt like the '92 election again. It was like huge. And it was on every magazine cover and Seth and Amy are on every magazine cover and Tina's on every magazine cover. It was so big and we did these Thursday primetime update shows. So we did 12, total we did 12 shows in eight weeks. And I just remember I was sitting in a taxi cab going home

And my eye was all infected from being awake so long. And a bus pulls up next to me and it's a Gap ad with Forte, Sudeikis,

Andy, Seth and Fred. Yeah. Like they did like a winter clothes, like scarves and hats. But I just remember being like, I can't fucking escape this show and still haven't. Yeah. You never, it's a seminal moment in your life being in Rockefeller center, doing that thing with all the characters. Well, yeah, it's like saying, I, Hey, I used to play for the Yankees. Um,

Now I have a sports marketing company, which would you rather talk about? Yeah, that's true. There's nothing experientially or tactically like that show. People always have a question about it, something about it. That's why we're doing the podcast and to hang out with people like...

Yeah. I love the podcast. I've listened to every episode. I was very flattered to be asked to be on. God damn. You must have a lot of free time or that's when you're on the bus or the plane or- A lot of driving and a lot of driving, a lot of bus. Yeah. He's used to that we talk over each other, Dana. John, yeah. Well, we have, well, yeah. Smart List has three guys. Did you like doing the live one with Sandler?

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It was, um, it should have filmed it. It's fucking great. It was so fun. Yeah. Different sport, but, uh, different sport, but it's, it, I'm whenever there's a live episode of a podcast I love, I'm like, this is like, no one's, uh,

Everyone's bringing out the big guns on this. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, you tend to perform a little more. But yeah, I just if I put myself in the shoes of the I'm there with Adam Sandler and David Spade. So there's a sense of like, I'd like to just hear what Adam Sandler had for breakfast. You know, they want to want to know he's a person. The one thing we haven't done with you, we don't have to because I always like to put think of 10 year old John Mulaney because I like that.

Favorite toy as a kid or a toy that you remember that you really was important to you or you liked? Oh, that's a good question. Cocaine? Yeah, little bags of cocaine and rolled up dollar bills. David had Stretch Armstrong, didn't you, David? And Evil, can you, Stretch Armstrong was a fucking scam. I liked anything, I liked anything with Ernie. I kind of, with Ernie from Bert and Ernie, I sort of realized that,

Later in life that Ernie was like I thought Ernie was so fun Ernie is really funny He doesn't give a fuck and his roommates uptight. Yeah, which one's gay birder? Oh, I think bird is the rumor was that they were both gay. Oh That's how it would work. Okay. Did you have a bike that was special to you like in fourth fifth sixth grade? I had a bike which growing up in Chicago like it's an easy city to bike around it that that was like mmm

We already had a lot of freedom. Like we were a little feral. I just walked around the city of Chicago as like 10, nine year old. Like we really could just go. I remember having a bike and riding it along the lake from my home to like the middle of downtown Chicago. And I was like, this is so much freedom. It's crazy. It won't be like that with your kid, huh?

No, I mean, that's an interesting, it's an interesting thing because Olivia and I talk about that. We want it to be, but then we obviously, I'm like, do I have the stomach for just being like, all right, see ya.

Do you have the Instagram followers? Can you handle what they're going to say about that? Yeah. Hey, leaving Malcolm alone on Michigan Avenue. Yeah. He'll be home by when it gets dark like I did. Yeah. Is this a good idea? Question mark, arrow to comments. And you and Emily haven't talked about... Sound off below. Sound off. Let me know. Do you have ideas of where you would like to settle with the time school years start or is it just completely wide open? You don't have to mention a town or anything, but...

Do you think it's either Southern California, New York, or out there somewhere? Yeah, we're very open to...

uh to different places you know i mean i feel like also the me and olivia and malcolm have been on the road so much that we kind of you know we're in this place of like home is wherever we're together you know yeah yeah that they're just so portable now and you had told me once that you thought flying too much my age people so do you take more buses and cars than i said that people

I thought you said that to me. You're always saying that. Always. That you thought maybe flying too much was like harder. Sounds a little speedy, cokie talk. Oh. Did you get some go-go juice? That's why we were jamming on the Mickey Rooney sketch when you said that. So I didn't know you were going to feel it. No, I'm kidding. No, no, no. But I thought you said that. But you drive more than most people. You know how you feel when you get off a plane and your feet are all swollen and your stomach's weird? I was like, this is not...

You shouldn't do this constantly. Like, like bring up, bring up, you know, you bring like a half empty 20 ounce bottle of soda on a plane and put it in your backpack and then see what the pressure's done to it. Yeah. It's not normal. What, what it does to your body. I get done with that phase of celebrity now where I weigh in on health theories.

So I'm going to go out ahead and say that planes. No one should be flying. John Mulaney, we got our treasure. This week, drug addict John Mulaney said no one should be flying. Flying is dangerous. And not because you're going to crash, but your body is going to be. Neil Brennan said when I first got back to doing stand-up, he said, you should be introduced. Neil Brennan said this. He goes, you should be introduced as, you know him from TMZ. Please welcome drug addict John Mulaney. That's funny.

Drug addict is funny. Let's end on that one. That's funny. All right, guys. All right, John. Hope we run into you at some point. Miss you, John. Pleasure. Love you. See you somewhere. Bye, Dana. See you on campus. Hey, what's up, flies? What's up, fleas? What's up, people that listen? We want to hear from you and your dumb questions. Questions, ask us anything. Anything you want. You can email us at flyonthewallatcadence13.com.

Howard Wright says, he says he loves the podcast and the behind the scenes stuff. That's great. Here's his question, David. With the crazy efforts of bringing a live show on the air each week, did Lorne or the staff ever review the previous week's show to discuss what went right or wrong with the cast or specific performers or skits? Or is once a show performed, everyone moves on to the next?

I would start and say, I think the Monday meeting, we have the new host sitting in front of us, so we don't want to overdo it. But he'll be like, last week, Sharon Stone, I thought, you know, pretty good. I like this. I like this. I thought update was strong. I think this week, you know, let's not let our foot off the gas. We've got...

Michael Keaton here today. That's pretty accurate, right? That is accurate, but it's not like, to me, that reminds me of the NBA or something where you're going to watch the whole game with the team and start and stop it, you know? Can I do my impression of Steph Kerr, the coach of the Warriors, for a second? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Steph had a great game tonight. I think he was good on both sides of the floor, moving the ball a lot.

And I think Clay was active as well in the offensive boards. It's almost Bill Clinton, but fuck it, man. I can't get him every time. By the way, I see Steve Kerr like that. Now when I put it with that voice and I go, it's a classic where you never even think of his voice until you just did it. The only, yeah, it's just a very rough voice and all those sort of sports things. I think we controlled the boards in the first half. Our offense was a little slow in the second half. I'm Steve Kerr.

Anyway, if there were sadness or recriminations, it would be at the party. Yeah. And we'd beat ourselves up. We wouldn't need Lauren to do it. Be like, just lay there. That one sucked. I don't know what happened. But we do just move on, basically. I just felt like David wasn't on his game tonight. Well, I thought that Lauren... You know, stuff like that. Yeah. I mean, what Lauren would do...

Interesting enough, because Lorne was not heavy on compliments, like a good coach. But when he did compliment, it was a big thing. But in the Monday meeting, he would take some obscure part of the show and say, I thought Jan's exit was breathtaking. Oh, yeah. You know how he would do that? I like the lighting and the receptionist. I think they finally got it right. Well, also, I think they have a pre-meeting.

for this young man who's asking, Howard Wright. They have a pre-meeting with just the heads of the departments. It's like, you know, in my era, it was Downey, maybe Smigel and Franken. And then I think that's when they would iron out any problems, but I wasn't privy to that if there was any. But you're right, Dana's right. We don't watch tapes. We're not like football going over and going, what about last? We just like on to Cleveland. We just say, this week is whoever. And.

And you're locked into it from Sunday on. It wouldn't be like, I thought David was terrific in the receptionist guy. I thought he scored offensively, defensively. He set up people. Steve Kerr. They should go to Steve Kerr at Update. Steve, how's the show going so far? Cold open was all right.

I think everyone's moving very well on their feet. They're committing to their lines. The cue card reading is a problem we're going to take care of in the third. I'm doing Bill Clinton, but fuck it. I had it the other day. I did it for a fan. I think Opera Man went a little long, so I think we're going to have to pick up some slack after update because something's going to have to get cut.

I thought Tim Meadows was terrific in the ladies' venue. I like Dana when you're doing a sketch. I was literally, remember in my head, walking in the hall in full Gap Girls regalia at about half hour, you know, quarter to one in the morning and they go, Gap Girls is cut.

Over the loudspeaker On the live show Cause it goes too long So it just means Everything went long And you don't have time And I just fall to my knees No No Then I cut my cheeks With my fake nails Ow You were bleeding At the after party You had a little napkin On Get David away Or something No I walk up to Lauren's table At the after party In my full Gap Rose uniform Dressed as a Gap Girl Okay Yeah Happy now Wait Lauren You never told me My face is a cut

I remember that You'd get drunk at those parties You'd go up to Lauren's table And you'd be in the Gap outfit Oh gross And bleed and go You don't know me You don't know me You think you know me But you never knew me You blew it You blew it I could be funnier Than anyone on this show Oh bro Fucking updates suck Yeah Okay there's your answer Thanks guys There's your answer Thanks guys Goodbye That is a funny That was a good answer

This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks. Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.