Rob Schneider (Part 2)
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's... Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it? Oh, I was saying that...

When Rob and I were there for the four shows, I think what we don't realize, even though we didn't get a sketch on in quotes, but being at the rewrite table and being around the office, you can just tell if you're in the game that long like they were, just by saying we're pitching throwaway jokes in sketches on rewrites, I think just hearing someone talk at lunch or dinner or hearing pitches, by the end you can go, they've got game or not. Like they can tell, like just from what I heard, the little bits,

We're on the right track with these guys because I'm sure they went to Downey. Lorne said, what do you think? Do you want these two clowns back? And then, you know, Smigel or Frank and Chip. I'll tell you something that's important as well. And that, and especially Lorne, like he wants to hire people he can go to dinner with. Yeah. He wants to hire people that really have a high social IQ in the room. And you two qualify for that. As far as integrating in with everybody, you guys had a lot of charm and you wouldn't over talk. You'd insert, you know, and so that, yeah.

Part of the reason you're there, besides your great comedy chops, was just social skills. And Lorne really picks up on that, you know? Yeah. You get along well. And I just want to say, I'm going to tear up, but Rob, who wrote Il Cantore? Because that was one of my favorite moments I ever did on the show, and I did not write it. I will tell you, that was influenced by an experience that Adam and I had. First of all, I went over to, I mean, it's a weird thing, but like money,

How I equate success, you know, is something like my parents, when they spent money on a couch, right?

They bought a new couch and they immediately covered it in this quality, high, thick polyurethane plastic. And they still wouldn't let us sit on it because it was a really nice couch. Oh, you couldn't? That makes sense. Yeah, I got that. So that was like, you know, we have money for a couch now. Don't fuck it up. This is our couch. Oh, yeah. Don't sit on it. Don't even look at it. Use it for guests. And when the guests come over and if they're special guests, we'll unzip the plastic. So that's the way I equate fame and success as a couch. So I went over to Adam Sandler. How do you connect that?

Unzipping the plastic. Unzipping. So I went over there. An unzipped brand new couch at Adam's. I said, he must be making money. This is a new couch. It was like a little couch. And then so we started, you know, by the second season, we're making a little bit of money. So then we had girlfriends too, which is another sign of success. One of the reasons, well, let's be honest. We really wanted to get in the show business because I like, you know, when I played trombone in the marching band and in high school, I said, this is not.

Not a panic dropper. Going to get me a supermodel. This is not going to, anywhere close. So what is it going to do? What can I do better than this? And so we'll stand up. For a second, for the Lonely Hearts Club that I was part of, once you are forced to act confident, stand on a platform and dominate a room, even if you're just pretending to

your stock goes up with young girls. So it is Xanadu. I like the certain comedians like Norm Macdonald, like, you know, yeah, you got about 45 minutes to close the deal when you're done because, you know, the women, the power, it depreciates after you're on stage. It's like, Jesus, this guy's like a scientist about getting laid after getting on stage. Well, the power,

Our room is at the other cafe where this girl that you couldn't even talk to in high school is flirting with you, and then they're announcing your name. I gotta go. Yeah. Anyway, go back to your story. Sorry about that. So anyways, I'm at Adam Sandler's place. He's got a new couch, and I go, well, we've changed. Nice. And then we have girlfriends, good-looking girlfriends, and all of a sudden, so we go to a place that we wouldn't have gone the first season, because I remember he had a

His dad knew somebody who had like a, so he had like a couple of months for the first time, the first season at SNL, just in case it wasn't working out, above this restaurant on Madison Avenue. And it was a little apartment that he got. Mm-hmm.

For like the, you know, for a few months. And I remember the place was so expensive downstairs. It was like the turkey sandwich was $17. And he said, we'll split a turkey. I said, you and I will split a turkey sandwich. And then we'll just eat downstairs. And it's one of those fancy places where you kind of, it's cool to hang out there.

So by the time we started making a little bit of money, the second season, we take the girlfriends, we go to Little Italy, let's show off a little bit. And these Italian guys were kissing the girls. Here we go. They're kissing your girlfriends. They're kissing our girlfriends. In front of you. Yes, they're kissing, messing up and down. And the hug also seemed like...

The hug was also very, you know. Familiar. Yes. It was like, ah. And they just met them. And we go like, well, you know, we're happy to be here. But it was a little odd. But that sunk in something really to Adam's psyche about that. And I remember he went off –

And I had a great office on the 17th floor that actually you could see the Empire State Building. It's like, this is ridiculous. This is like, this is incredible. How did I get this? It's all incredible. It's amazing. So, and then, and just being on the 17th floor and go like, who, did Ackroyd have this office? I was always, you know, the history of the show. And then-

So Adam came in with Robert Smigel and they can't talk. And they're literally like, it's two o'clock, 2:30 in the morning. - I was about to say, it's gotta be him and Smigel. - That's when the good stuff starts to come because the structural side of your brain gets really, really tired and the goofy side takes over.

And so these guys are coming in and they're literally giggling and just falling out. And they just literally hand me this piece of paper. And it was typed at that time. So they got it typed and then they hand it to me and they're watching me and I'm reading the sketch. Bellissima! The kissing and the restaurant. And they watch me. They watch me just to make sure that they weren't just being goofy themselves. Then they watched me and I'm reading it and I fell on the floor,

Rolling Laughing And they said We got something here God damn And then Adam and I You know We know that Dana Was gonna murder Yeah you have to bring In the big guns Dana would Have another level Of commitment Which is like There was a level Of commitment You expect this And then Dana Would just You know Would just Go off It was pennies From heaven

for me. Because you have to write a lot of stuff. But when you get something handed to you that's physically funny and in every other way funny. You almost can't fuck it up. For people, it's one of the most famous sketches in our era there where the Italian waiters are kissing and then you being one of the Italian waiters, you come by and you lick Kirstie Alley's face. She was a gamer. She's what I call a broad.

She was great. She loves that. I licked the shit out of her face. I said, are you okay with this? She goes, oh yeah. And so I was like making a meal out of her face. She knew she was in a fucking crusher sketch. She's very cool. And then Adam was like, you know, we shared a dressing room for years and he said, and he looked at me and he's a bit of a hairy guy and he's got one of those-

hockey legs you know like the northeasterner kind of guy he's got a hockey ass you know he should be playing and he's actually a pretty good skater yeah you know he's actually like during like the second season I remember we were walking to go get something to eat and it was snow on the street and he would like run out and during a stoplight and he'd get behind a cab and sneak behind a cab and he'd let the cab pull him

And he have his shoes on the ice? Just his tennis shoes on the ice. Oh, yeah. And then he would like, and then he would handle it. And he's just a good skater, good guy. And we're like, shit. And I said, dude, you're famous. You're going to get smashed. He didn't need any extra going on. He already had everything going on. Yeah. So then he also could do that. And then he asked me, he said, should I shave my pubes?

And I went, "Absolutely!" And I just knew it was gonna grow back and he was gonna be in agony for a couple of weeks and I was gonna enjoy that. And so he's preparing, he's got this like diaper on before and he just blew his-- - Oh, shave the pubes for the bit. - Yeah, so he's there before, we're in the dressing room and he said, "Should I shave my pubes for the Italian Waiters bit?" 'Cause he comes out in a diaper basically with his ass hanging out. And I said, "Absolutely, Adam, shave the shit out of that."

And then he did, and then, and I came out and I was ass naked. And that was when the censor, who was the time in our era? Andrew Brewer. Andrew Brewer said, please don't show your ass. Please, please, I beg you, I'll get fired. Please, please, please, please, I beg you, beg you. Because they were laughing so hard, especially when you were humping Victoria Jackson. I want to ask from your point of view about that, because how did we get to that?

Where I go as the waiter, I lick Kirstie's face, I do, I go back and somehow Victoria and I are having some debate or something, then I lean her down on the table. Did I do that in the dress show? No. I didn't. You didn't. Okay. What happened was like a lot of times you take something, oh, this is funny, let's do it more and more. Yeah, yeah. And by the dress rehearsal, it was screamingly funny.

And then it was another level. And then Farley also was like, was humping the window at the end. So it was a thing. And then it was one of the few sketches. And the biggest tag of any sketch I was ever involved in was usually you don't have a good ending for something. But Kevin Nealon, who was the date of Cursed the Alley said, let's go to a, hey, this is too much. Let's go to the, this is a Greek restaurant down the street, which is like, oh my God. It was a screaming laugh at the end. I remember being four feet away from-

From you, four feet away from Adam. And we're looking at each other with that slight little grin. Because I never liked being one of those guys who ever broke. I never broke. I just didn't respect it. It wasn't part of the tradition of the SNL. And I know that they did after we left or after my years there. You're not allowed not to laugh. But I looked at him and there was a look on our face like-

We couldn't hear each other do our lines. Yeah. But we knew it so well that we like, it's just murdering. Like, especially when I came out, it was a scream when I came out because I showed my ass came out. You come out naked. I came out naked. But you came out so centorial and so straight and so no sense your ass is hanging out. You're just...

You're bare and you're just acting so regular. Yes, that was something that the audience had never seen. No winking at all. Yeah, which is so good to not comment on. Yeah, nothing. And just commit to the stuff, you know, which was what you need to do. But there's a little bit of you're enjoying it also. It's always behind the eyes. When I had Victoria's legs in the air and I'm having a kind of an argument with you guys, what are you doing? And that's going, I can't really even hear myself. Right.

audiences were because the visual of it. Victoria, of course, was such a gamer. Oh, yeah. And that was a perfect part for her. So you guys wrote and produced a perfect sketch, basically. That one was the best one. I mean, there were some that were... Some just stand out. Some just like, well, that was... There's just... There are things that are... You can't deny it.

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Another thing, a little gem that the great Dana Carvey gave me. He was, because you're frustrating. You don't know how the business is. I didn't know anyone in it. My mom was a teacher, war survivor. My dad had his own trauma in his youth. There's a suicide. His father committed suicide. So I was raised with, I didn't know anything. I had fragile, very fragile parents who were also really, really had a violent streak. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And I don't know. But Dana gave me this,

thing because you have this fire in you. But it's like, I tell my own kids, I said like, and I got luckily beautiful little kids. And I said, you got a fire in you. Fire is very instructive. It can cook your dinner, but it can also burn the house down.

You know, and Danny said very instructive to me. I never forgot. It's one of the things that you keep going. What did I say exactly? You said, you don't have to let people know how hungry you are. That was informative because it's like, I want this fucking thing so bad. Look at these. It's like, calm down. And then you said, get so good they can't deny you. I remember that. You still may not get the job. Yeah.

But it's so good they can't deny it. And then they go, well, yeah, well, that guy's amazing. That guy's great, but we got to hire the more famous guy. And that keeps you going for years. Because of the club drama. When you're starting out in clubs, a lot of drama, and you can get into the drama with the dysfunctional comics. Yeah.

I should be a headliner. I know why I got that. And just look at your own feet, stay in your lane and just become undeniable. But who takes your side and gives you that kind of information? Yeah, it's nice. And then also the witness to it. Like I said, well, this, and he said, when I, we had a great drive down to LA one time, stayed at your apartment and I was like, well, this is beautiful. This is going to be my future. I'll move down here. This is going to be amazing. I love it. I love guys going to LA. I love it. And he's like, no, this, and then like, and I remember it's like, you were on that TV show where they like,

clearly the most, you know, I said, this is the most talented guy I know and they don't know how to use him. And they let you have five minutes to do whatever you wanted at the end of that TV series, which where you played a helicopter pilot. Oh, that, yeah. And I was like, Blue Thunder. Blue Thunder. I never should have done that stuff. That was my own insecurity. But that's just getting a job. You gotta get a job. Like, cause I was so, they wanted to have me do a TV show. I,

I did quit after that. I just focused on standup for the last two years before SNL. But it was really informative too. I said like, well, if they can't, he's the most talented guy I know. Most talented guy out of San Francisco. This is the guy. And it said like, and if this, if he's having a problem here, what the hell am I worried about? And that actually was very informative as well. So, well, this shit, it's hard. And so that's why when you do a thousand auditions like we did. Yeah.

And like the thing about what was cool about Spade was he had already done a movie. And that was like amazing. Blues Academy. That was like an enigma in a, you know. It's crazy. I was already on set for 10 weeks. But, you know, Robbie, we got the balls you had was when things were cooking quicker for you, you got offered a movie and you said no.

I think it was the one with Michael J. Fox in New Zealand, The Fighters. And it was also with Peter Jackson. I should have said yes, but the script was terrible. I think it was 300 grand. I was like, first American movie. But it was called Abracadabra, which is like, oh my God, that sounds like a career ender. That's a great, oh yeah. But it wasn't a great, but like, I would have, no, it was, I think 300 grand because I was more torn up by it than you were. I was like, he's turning the fucking ball. But you also, the ball's right. I also did some shitty ones though too. You wrote Copy Machine when,

we were just being told every day, don't put yourself in two lines. - Well, that was the thing-- - And then you wrote your own sketch and I was like, the balls, and then it got on and I was like, wait, that's even possible? - Well, that's a dangling carrot 'cause like when Lorne hired us-- - That was too good to-- - Lorne would say like-- - It's a little vague, right? - He said like, well, I said, but I wanna be a performer. I said, we're gonna hire you-- - That'll come. - We're gonna hire you as a writer, like we, like a group, we're gonna hire you as a writer.

Because that's what happened. After I didn't meet with him because I went and do a $75 gig and shit my pants. San Diego. And San Diego. Then I freaked out. And then I really got nervous because then they flew us back to New York and we had to perform for the writers at Catch. And they didn't laugh once in the whole time. They just want to see if you're going to get shaken.

That's it. Lauren, when I was, he pushed me a little bit. Do you have anything else or is it just that? I mean, he literally tried to shake me, not at the club. He saw me at a club, but at the little audition. So yeah, that is a show when you don't give it up.

- Yeah, but there was a thing about like, remember when the ears burning off my face, I was saying, I remember at that point I had to say to myself, okay, you just got annihilated physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every way you can. And they said, you can't, I said, I just said to myself, you cannot let this get to you. And you have to, I said, I'm willing to let them get to me till here. And it was like my belt. I said, I'm gonna let this affect me here, but not all the way to my feet.

I'm not going to let that happen. And so like when I was eating it that night, just get through this, man, get through this. They saw you be funny the other day. Just get through it, get through it. And I walked out of there and I was shaken by it, but not broken. And that was the key because on live TV, you can't shake. You can't be broken. You got to stand in there and do it. And it's just a repetitive nature of it. And just getting steely and getting tough. And then to the other level, to enjoy it.

That's where you want to get to. And that took me a little time to truly enjoy it. And then also to deal with the pressure of it. I mean, because that is a, I mean, that's why, like when we first got there, I remember you and I looking like, what is everybody complaining about? This is the greatest thing ever. And like four years later, it's like, boy, it does wear you down. Sure. 100 hour weeks.

So when you, so it's like a dream come true. When you got Copy Machine Guy, what was that feeling? Because then you get on the show. When you get there and you see like, wow. Something's popping hard. These people get into restaurants quicker than me. You got Phil Hartman, you got Dana Carp, you got these murderers row up there. And then, but you also know, like, I know I can get this and if I just got to get on there. And then, you know, then I remember when the first year, late, no, it was late,

in 1990 when Adam Sandler was hired. And this is a guy, he was so cute because his first week was there, we wrote a sketch together.

And I said, come on, I'll show you how it's done. Like, I know I've been there before shows by then. And then he, I remember he stayed up all night and his little eyes were puffy. And we wrote this thing for ourselves. And then- Still had the big legs though. I'm on a picture, Adam. And we wrote it and then they took it away from us and then gave it to like, was going to be, I think it was Goodman. And Hartman. And they said like, well, I said, well, what do we have to, in a gentle way,

what do we have to do to get on ourselves here? And it was very instructive too. He said, and it was down, he said, when you could perform something, when you write something that you could perform better than other people, then we'll get it on. And I said, okay, bingo, I'll come up with something. And I liked writing for other people because I enjoyed also the thrill of like when you performed a piece that was probably the best one I had ever written

for any piece. And you had a way of like, you would like, it was like the wave, a really great comedian, as opposed to like a sketch player, maybe could do it too. But a comedian in a big room can ride the wave. And before it's coming down, you know, three quarters, two quarters, no one to come up with that other line. And it was a massive hairy head wound. Oh, did you write that? You're kind of the main architect of that sketch as well. I wrote that. Wow.

With Adam, but that was me. Well, double thanks, because I was riding a rocket in that. And of course, when we talked about the podcast, the dog thing at the end was...

You can't beat a dog going dog in a sketch. You can't. But the thing about it was the dog in dress rehearsal. Yes. What did you guys do? With the dog in dress rehearsal, we said, okay, well, we can't have it rabid, but like they said to us, you know, and I don't know anything about dogs, and they just said, well, if we don't feed it, it's going to, you know, it'll get to do what we want by the time. And anyway, so they fed it a little bit. So it was curious. It was fun.

Curious address. Address. And it was absolutely famished. Did you put more, was it baby food you put on the prostate? It was liver baby food. Liver baby food. We put on, and I said, I fucking put it on. You put a lot more on. I caked on there. I tried it. It was good. And you did a beautiful thing.

Because it was literally ripping off the side of your head. The prosthetic. It was a wig. The prosthetic with a... Bloody wound. The dog went for it. It basically... It wanted it on air. It wanted it. Massive hairy head wound was a guy who should not be at a party. He was at a party and just with a big head wound. And it's just... Everybody is just like... He's trying to normalize it, which is great. Somebody...

A crazy person in a room. Yeah. In a situation where you're never trying to treat you normally. And then he's got this giant head when they're reacting. And he said, this is a punch bowl. And there's a thing. And then at the end, there's- I take a nap. Take a nap. And the dog goes to town. And it was one of those things where you're watching it and it's just, it's going really good. And you're just like, oh God, come on.

Please keep going. Keep going. Get to this, get to this. And then when the dog literally went, I mean, just went for it. Went to get it. Went to get it because it knew where it was and was hungry. And then you do this beautiful thing where you snuck your hand up on the other side to hang on. To hold it. And I was in a death struggle with that dog. And you were also, because there was like your eye, your eyeball was,

You're literally, your right eye is literally, you were like four inches away from this very hungry dog and you just kind of rode it, rode it. And then you had the wherewithal to remember to let the audience, as that screaming laugh was coming down, to throw in a like. Yeah, he smells my dog. I think he smells my dog. I think he smells, must smell my dog. Yeah, but you had to almost yell it. Yeah, I had to kind of yell it. And the thing was, back,

to our generation of not breaking, the sketch went so beautifully, I did not want it to be about the prosthetic coming off. Yeah. So by consequence, the battle extended so long that, and I heard someone, Lauren watching the monitor, which we always want to make Lauren helpless, and it was helpless with laughter. But anyway, Robbie, God, what can I do for you? I mean, those are two- You did it. It's the least I could do to pay you back for all you did for me. Two great gifts. When you do-

Rob and I both had this problem where, you know, you're writing that first year, even second year for me, and you're putting your stuff in even smaller parts and they go, give that to Dana, give it to Mike Myers, give it to, and you have to keep taking yourself out. So the one way in is update because you're by yourself. You can try to get something on. That was Sam's key. Was the Eddie Murphy. Especially the guitar. And your copy machine. But I think the host was Sting the first time you did it. Well, the first time I did it was with,

Joe... Pesci? No, no, no. Joe... Mantegna. Mantegna. And I remember it was so crushed because I finally had a monster. It was one of the things I said when... Because Jim Downey notices a kind of like a goofy, too happy to be here kind of attitude, you know, was this...

And he said, you got to do a character called the Lurker. It kind of got us hanging around. But truthfully, and I gave him credit, but truthfully, the copy machine guy had nothing to do with that, really. It was just a guy. The truth of the real, that really came from when we first got there to SNL. Remember before we got the really good office? They gave you, there were so many cast members. I think 17 at the time. The first time a really big cast. There was a giant cast where literally the crawl of the show was actually longer than like the monologue. Right.

Yeah. Because it was like 17. And also, and this, and Coast Air, and the feature player. It was like, Ellen Cleghorn, and David Spade, and Ross Schneider, and Adam Sandler. It went on. And Melanie Hustle. So we were in like a half of a half an office. Yeah. And I had the cooling and heating vent in mind. So it was either boiling or freezing in there. And I have claustrophobia because I have two older brothers and put me in sleeping bags and closets my childhood. So I can't stand enclosed place. I hate it.

And so I would go out into the main writer's room and I noticed when everyone's walking back and forth, you can't be as excited the fourth and fifth time when you see, you know, Kevin Nealon. So Kevin was the one I said, Kevin, all right, Kevin, Kevin. Just your doors open. And he came and played with the idea. Hmm.

Yeah, what do you want, buddy? What's up? Kevin, you know? And that was it. It was like, and I said, I had to come up. And then I went to New Orleans for the weekend just to take off some pressure. And I thought like, well, there's got to be a reason why people would come into contact with this annoying person. They didn't want to put him somewhere else. And I just came to the copy machine. Oh, copies. That was it. Simple. But I remember like people were laughing so hard at read-through, which was like, to me, the real...

To me, the real democracy, you know, there's no such thing as a democracy in show business, but that was the most democratic thing I've ever experienced. If you wrote a sketch, it was read in front of everybody. That is pretty damn amazing. So if you murdered with everybody, chances are you got-

Making copies, it's all not a punchline. You know, it's all the absurdity and the rhythm to it. But it's also just kind of a nerd in an office leaning back, trying to be friendly. I mean, it works on a lot of levels. Did you comb your hair up in kind of a

funny way i always had my hair big by that time because it was just like elvis yeah elvisy and he's like he was a guy that you also he's kind of kind of gentle and nobody wanted to hurt his feelings but he's also annoying and so it was a nice combination of this vulnerability yeah vulnerability is a big one yeah and then people i remember uh i remember that like because i did it with joe montagna and they said we're gonna we're gonna cut it for time we're gonna save it and i went like

Save it. Terrifying. It's my chance. I've waited all these years. I'm 25. I got to make it now. Who's this guy? The guy who wants to make it? But how would you not give it to the host? I mean, always the trick is if you write something for the host, that's the

that shot. They knew that if you could perform it better and that sing-songiness to it. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if he's the perfect guy for that. Right. So when did it first kill? It was Sting. Sting. That came out of the gate. Yeah. And people got into the rhythm early into that sketch. When was the first line? Third time? The third line, Kevin. And they said, hey, what's going on? I said, all right, Kevin, asking me questions. Kevinator. Kevin. And that one.

They laughed. The second one. Kevin. You know, just there's no new information happening. But he's continuing to do the same. Well, Sting looked like a fucking strider. Yeah, right. That's exactly right. It is. That's like a little song and then there you can laugh. And then they found a spot for it. And then I remember, you know, the great Jim Downey took me aside and said, well, it's the only time, like, they hadn't done it very often in that show where like, you know, except for, you know, the, you know, you're...

The weight of you having to open every show for years was this. We're going to do we're going to do another one of those. We have a very, very rare thing here, a character that that people love.

And I said, it was a very rare, very, the rarest of things here. And I said, we're going to do another one. And then he had the idea of the copy machine breaking down. And that was the best one we ever did. Oh, I remember. And that was phenomenal. That was like, cause he got to see his whole world crushed, crushed, you know, the copy machine. How does he react to that? He's just like, well, they're taking the machine out. There's no reason for him to have contact with him anymore.

His world is taken apart. It really is. So what does he say? You know, it's just, he just got crushed. And then they brought it back in. But you got to see him just like devastated. And I just remember laughing. But the first time we did it, the read through, Jim was dying laughing because of the rhythm.

It was a rhythm of a rhythm of a rhythm. Yeah. And that by the time it was like, and there was just a pummeling of it. And he was dying laughing. It's great to make Jim laugh. This is the one that's going to get on. And Jim would give it up. That was the key to it. He was interested in us as young guys and I think fed off the energy. But also if he found something funny, he was very generous. You know, that wasn't always the case with people, you know, because, you know.

like you know Jay Leno was like was another influence like when Bob Fisher then was a manager he said and I was a young comedian he said uh you're gonna pick up Jay Leno he's got a gig in San Jose you're gonna take him to the radio and I know you know San Francisco you're you grew up here you're gonna you know like the back of your hand take him wherever he wants to go so Jay Leno which is a great Jay Leno story that that's it's an old one you gotta hear this one but so I pick up Jay's just have a sign he's very wise clean car yeah and so um

He picked up and said, hey, so you're driving me to the gang? I said, yeah, okay. I mean, you know, so we're driving, and I'm not saying anything. I'm just driving there. And he said, you know a good Chinese restaurant? I said, I know the best, Mr. Leno. So I took him to the place that my dad knew was like for wealthy people where they would go. We would go to a different place. He said, just as good food, not as expensive, just as good as that place. So I took him to that place, you know. And he said, well, come on in and eat. I don't eat by myself, you know.

And because I wasn't going to go and sit with him, but he did. And he said, so what are you, a comedian? And I said, yes. Embarrassing. I said, well, how much time you have? I said, I got about eight minutes. He said, good. You know, most comedians ask how much time. I got two hours. Who wants to hear two hours of comedy material? You either have five minutes of kills every time, everywhere, everywhere you go, any place. Oh, you don't have anything. He's right. That's what you got to get. And so he said, so I spent the next six months just only trying to get that killer five. And that was really helpful.

But the Jay Leno story, which is really funny, around that time, he was doing this bit on Letterman Co. He said, what's your beef, Jay? Let me tell you my beef. Let me tell you this. And he would do this bit and it was a monster. You know, like you and I opened for him. Yes. In 1985. The two of us? Both of us. Okay. Because I did open for him a few times. You opened for him. I was the opening act. You would come in and you did a half and then he did an hour. Okay. And we both sat back and went like, wow, this guy just.

We have our killer bits. This guy has every bit is a killer bit. That's what we said to each other. We were watching. It was at the Palace of Fine Arts. Palace of Fine Arts. Yes, yes. Yeah. And he was like a professional comedian in the sense that every bit would flow to the next bit. Crafted. And he was tagging his McDonald's. Hey, McDonald's trainee, how do you be a McDonald's?

I'm trying to get the milkshake for you. And it was all killing. And it was like, yeah. You got to hand that Buick 1955 Buick into the kind of car. You run into a Toyota. You just hose it off. You run into it and you hose it off. There you go. You keep driving. And he's smoking a pipe backstage. And I got off maybe before he went on. He always had a pipe. Hilarious. For the early days. He goes, yeah, you need more junks, Mr. Carvey. He was kind of right because I'm just doing chopping broccoli, chopping broccoli. So I assumed Jay would be like, you know.

Yeah, I need more jokes. And he rode a motorcycle onto the stage. You bought broccoli. Yeah, he always was on a motorcycle. Motorcycle onto the stage. You bought broccoli, that's it. There's a funny thing that happened, though. There was a comedian who did an impression of Jay early. Because we can all do it. I'm like third generation Jay Leno. We all got that. It's like once somebody breaks it, and then you can figure out how to do it. Everybody has it. Has it.

So there was a guy who did an early impression of Jay and what he would did back then, remember there's like a comedy magazine or a comedy list of when your spots would you, you know. So if you had, if you were, you know, like Jay Leno or Jerry Seinfeld, you could buy a whole page, which is like, you know. Just for last newspaper? Yeah.

Yeah, and then they would promote, and it would hand it out to the different comic book. And he's playing this auditorium, Civic Center. Yeah, I remember that. Jerry was another one way ahead of us. Yeah, and they were already promoting and big, you know, whatever. But what happened was there was a comedian who saw where Jay was playing, so he would call up and say, yeah, this is Jay. Yeah, I'm doing my gig. It's kind of one thing, though. When I show up at the airport, you're going to have to have $25,000 in cash at the airport when you pick me up.

And so Jay would fly to this place And they go Jay Thanks for coming And here's Here's your cash He goes What's this? He said It's 25,000 And you ask Hey nice for 25,000 What are you talking about? Who answered And it's like And then He would go to another place You know And the guy would call ahead And say This is Jay Before I need to Oh my god You're gonna have a I need the 25,000 So Jay went on a person In a brown In a brown paper bag And you have it at the airport You gotta do it Or I'm not gonna do the gig

And so the guy would show up. Hey, Jay. What is this? $25,000. What? $25,000? Yeah, Jay, you asked her, you know, $25,000. I brought it back. He said, what the hell's going on? Let me tell you what you want. Japanese cars. I got to go down here. And so what he did was he called. He finally figured out what was going on here. So he called and said, listen, if you get the guy, he calls up and says he's me. Just get his number. And then he got his number, this comedian. Uh-oh. Who's doing it.

And then he found out the guy's name. And when he, and the best part of the story, he was going to, he was auditioning for Jim McCauley for the Tonight Show. He said, let me know when you think you want to. So before they bring him up, Jay said, let me just go up and do some time.

So Jay goes up. There goes Jay. Does 45 minutes of his killer shit at the Comedy Magic Club before this guy goes on and blows out the room. And Jay could blow out any room he wanted and blew it out till there's just nothing left. And then this guy went on after and just ate it and didn't get the show. I, you know, I plead guilty in 78 after Mork and Mindy, I did a couple, you know. Hello, this is Robin. I need a million dollars cash. That's the next one.

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I just want to mention a few names of our pals, and you can join in because they're listening to this, from the old San Francisco, of course, the great Bobby Slayton, Mike Pritchard, Jake Johansson, Milt Abel, Larry Bubbles Brown, Mark Pitta, Bob Sarlop, Mark McCollum, and many, many more.

That came up in that early scene with us. Let me see that list. And Robin Williams was the godfather of that scene. Robin Williams was such, I mean, before the internet, before cell phones, Robin would show up at the Holy City Zoo and then people on the street would hear about it. And the next thing you know, it's packed. People would be running to get in there. And then he'd do an hour at least. Oh, yeah. And then he'd leave. And if the drunk people stayed, then we'd have an audience. Yeah.

And so more times than not, the audience would come to see him and hopefully he'd show up. And more times than not, he did because he was just addicted to it and loved it. And so we had a scene thanks to him. There was like at one point on one street, on one block, there were three places to do stand-up.

Who's that? Last Day Saloon had it on like Mondays or whatever. On Clement. Holy City Zoo, Clement Street and 6th. And then there was a place across the street that would do it on like Tuesdays. Yeah. A bar, you know. We were there pre-clubs. The clubs, first club got built in 79, proper club. That was the punchline. The punchline. That was like a real, when you did that, they paid you $25 a little bit more than that. That was amazing. But that, but like, and also just seeing like, you know, yeah.

There's a Sarlott. Sarlott had like a real job in show business. Bob Sarlott. He was like on TV, which is like incredible. Yeah.

He was a sidekick for Letterman on Letterman's morning show. On the morning show. That was ridiculous. But he would do spots on TV and was always smooth and a totally professional guy. Yeah, great, great comment. Kind of like had that charisma of a Leno who would just settle in. The audience could be totally relaxed watching him. And then Slayton would murder and do really edgy material that like- Yeah, I know.

And get away with it and just get to the point where the audience is pushing back, but then dance around it and make jokes off not apologizing for it.

And that was a really like very instructive way. And he would destroy room. Like literally like, well, you have to learn what like a headliner is. You had to learn what an MC is, what like a middle act. And you see like, you see Dana Carvey is like, well, that's a superstar. But then you see like, you see Bobby Slayton. Solid headliners. Bobby Slayton was a solid headliner. He's going to work everywhere. That's what you got to do. But that wasn't my style because my style was more offstanding and uncomfortable. So I was good for 20. Yeah.

I would be good for 10, 15, 20 was interesting and different bring the audience to me but that's not a headliner headliner you gotta go out and you gotta pummel and that's different but in the last 15 years when you come back to stand up you've done several specials you've done great you know

You become a great stand-up. You have to change and adapt because you also have to adapt to what their expectations are. Yeah. Once they see you, you're famous. Copping machine or whatever. They've seen your movies. And also all the movies. Let's see if we mention them quickly. I was going to say, if we're going to wrap up Precious San Francisco, you also did... S.F. Arizona didn't get much play in this one. Larry Bubbles Brown. These guys didn't move to L.A. That was the problem. Yeah. Yeah, and they became San Francisco treats. You know, like famous...

San Francisco comics know him. But you have to make the sacrifice and come down and eat shit for a while and audition for a thousand. But a lot of people's like, they didn't want to mess with how comfortable things were. I never understood that, like making that your thing. Because I think it was Rick Overton who said, hey, the cameras are down there, buddy. Let's go to where the cameras are. You have to. Rich Scheidner. Hey, it says here you dated Julia Sweeney. I don't remember that. No. I don't know why. That stuff gets on the internet. It's like I would never. You had a phrase called, you can do it. Is that true?

Well, I didn't understand that. Adam asked me to be in one of his early movies. He asked me to be in like the, to play the part that Ben Stiller did in Happy Gilmore.

Oh, yeah. Because of this playing this angle. You and Adam have a chemistry. And David, you guys are part of that world. There was a thing where there was a comfort level where like, and I finally told Adam, I said, listen, I said, stop. He said, you got to put other famous people in these movies. You don't need. And I said, you don't need to hire me for that. I'm telling you, you could hire Nick Nolte. And he finally did. And now he's not hiring me. He took me up on it.

But like hire people and do these other, you know. But you beat the shit out of that. That's what I mean doing a great thing with that phrase. A rhythm. So the thing was he said there's one line and you could do it and it says you can do it. And it was actually Herlihy who came up

And I said, well, what does it mean? He said, just come out. We'll figure it out. It's a rhythm thing. And I go like, all right. So we went out and it was a sing-songy thing of just the guy showing up. Yeah. So there's that, the fun of the audience knowing that there's some back history with Adam and I. Something's happening in the movie. And it was like, and I said, I'll find a way to do it. Just do it in different ways. And they're like, you can do it.

So it was like, it was just goofy. It didn't make sense. It was a guy who's not. It was inexplicable. That's why it lasts. Inexplicable jokes like chopping broccoli or you can do it. Just go on for decades. It's a different read. It's something that it doesn't need to be performed that way. No one in the history of the world would say it that way. It's not necessary. It's unnecessary. It's not necessary to say it. Who is, it's five questions. Who is that guy? What is he doing there? How did he get there? When did he come up with this catchphrase? Why?

Why is he yelling it? When you can get to five questions, that's a keeper. And auditions, inexplicability. A celebrity yelling a shit joke. Yeah.

Robbie. What's the shit joke? The joke is like, I got chunks of guys like you in my stool. Oh, there you go. Phil Hartman. The three. Three. But the five, that's pretty good. So that was like, and let's do it in different ways. And he kept, Adam had a genius thing of like, he would keep the audience, they'd always get a laugh in there. And even when it was like a serious part and like the water boy, when he's upset and he throws a basketball, throws a baseball out the window and it hits the Kentucky Fried Chicken Colonel. Yeah.

And it got a laugh and carried them out of that scene. So he really knew how to keep the laughs going in there. Keep them going, absolutely. If you go in auditions and then like when we were doing movies and you would have people come in for auditions, we're on the other side of it. We're casting people. Yeah. And when everyone does a line the same way and then someone does, you can do it. You go, oh. And then you go, have them come back. Because that stands out. If you're not going to give it the most perfect reading that everyone's going to give, there's something to that.

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You've got to bring something to it that's not on the page. Bring something that's not on the page. When we did the wrong Missy, there was nothing in that, I mean, truthfully, there was nothing in that role in wrong Missy. Wrong Missy for you. Nothing. But even Adam called me and said, I don't want you, this is a role, but it's not big enough. You don't need to do it. There's nothing. You helped. What was the character that in wrong Missy? He asked me. He was the shark guy. That was funny. He asked me to do this thing, and then he called me up at the last minute and go like, we really want you to do this. And I said, okay, I'll do it. And I said, but it's my wife's birthday. He said, ah, just, just.

And so we ended up, my wife came and she was happy to go to Hawaii. And it was a fun gig because I'm just showing up doing a small role at a small time. You always score with these roles. Everyone's happy to have you there because you're just coming in to score. You were helping out, yeah. You were scoring. And I said, well, let me figure this out. And I called Stanley. I said, what if I do it as an Aussie guy? And he said, no. And you know when Adam is like, no. What are you doing? You know, just do it. You know, he's already. Just fucking do it. Just do it if I can get to you.

It's just what I eat. It's like, yeah. Yeah, all right, all right, all right. We love you. But then you got to find the thing. And I said, well, I said, if you start crazier to beginning and the beginning of the scene, and then you got a place to really go if you were crazy. And I said, get me sunburned and everything. And I was like overweight and burned and fat and bald. And I said, this is going to be great. I always commit to that shit. And they gave me a hand that was missing a few fingers.

And I said, and it was a young director. Young directors, you know, you be gentle with young directors, but you also have to like, you can't listen 100%. Because they, you know, if you went 30 movies in, you go, I really think this is a better idea than, because he was like, when you see that shark down there, you tell him, you know. And he's like, you tell him I'm going to get him. You know, the attitude was to be angry. And I thought, well, let's do the opposite of that. You know what I said? Put the camera on.

- Keep it a nice shot. - I said, "When you see that shark down there, you tell him, 'What's up?'" As if he's like happy to see him again, even though he ate my hand. And it's just funnier. It's a rhythm that you don't expect. - It's positive. It's always good to go there if you can. - And when the guys get eaten by a shark, he said, "You gotta cut back up to us dancing." - That was a great one. - It's a disco song. And he said, "You just gotta do it." And he said, "But we don't have time." - I was the guy getting eaten by a shark. - And he said, "Just give me one take."

I said, he's under, David's under the, David's in the shark tank on the boat. And what do the characters sound like again? I want to hear them. And he said, we don't have music. We don't have time for the money. We don't have music. And I said, let me talk to my music guy and I'll give you a piece in 30 minutes. That'll be free. Just, yeah. That'll be, so I called my composer, John Hunter in Austin. I said, dude, can you just give me a favor? I'm doing this movie. It's Happy Madison. David Spade's the star. We just need a disco song that they can just have for free. For you, Farley, Swartzen just are dancing and-

Playing against me getting eaten by a shark. Yes. And he said, well, we only have time for one take. I said, I'll take it. Yeah, take anything. And so he did the one with the crane coming up while we're dancing to this disco song while you're eating the water. And he said, it's something to cut to. You're going to want it. Yeah. If we don't have time, just do it. So we got one. Yeah. And that's what they use. So that's what you kind of hope for. But what voice did you settle on?

I just, I saw the movie. They wouldn't let me do a, sorry, what I ended up doing was like a really low kind of guy. They didn't want to do Robert Shaw. What I wanted to do was a guy who's an alcoholic and great, you know, gravelly voice and low. To the opposite of you. Yeah. Because that was interesting. That's good. And then you get like, and I had nothing really there. So you're just curious, what do I got? So I'm up to dive and struggle. This is my boat. Give me this, this is my fucking boat. I'm in charge.

the boat so give me some stuff and the prop guy said what do you need i said give me the give me the snorkel and the respirator does it need to work of course it needs to work give me the goddamn thing and he said please turn around give me something to do and so i started playing with it while between takes what's funny and it was making noise yeah and noise and so we just and david and i were working on the rhythm it's like a vape pen we were fucking laughing yes and

and so I got this thing and I go back and so and he's about to get into the water and as he's walking I'm walking with him with this thing it's and I put it and so right before I I'm putting it on him and spraying it in the water and then I put it in my mouth and then I hand it to him so you got everything and David was like now I'm supposed to put that in my mouth and I knew he'd go with it I remember we rehearsed that and I go Rob because it was so funny I go do it more and so you were going like a ch ch ch

lick, lick, and I'm just staring at you. And then you finally go, and then you stick it and you go, and I put that in my mouth. Okay. Yeah. But that got us out of that scene. Big laugh to get to the next thing. with the sound off. Yeah. You know, just that's all funny. And yeah. Did it do eight funny with the sound off? A hundred billion minutes or how many minutes? 55 million views that first month. And then, it's,

Still top 10 in history. They go by minutes, though. Like a billion minutes of watching. I don't know. Back then it wasn't minutes. It was just a global smash. Funny with the sound turned off. Yes. We had an acting coach, Ivana Chubbuck. Yeah, she really helped. That's huge. Roy London was the first one. And then when he passed away, Ivana Chubbuck took over. And she would say, do the scene again, but without the words. So everyone knows from your physicality what's happening. Yeah. Because you're communicating with your body, aren't you? You should be. That's I Love Lucy.

Yeah. That's the grapes. That's the chocolate. She would also tell us, use a lot of props. Really work the room. Like, it's more fun if you're doing business than doing that. And that's hard to do because you're acting. You got to remember your lines. You got to match everything. But get it. Get the stuff. And like for Deuce Bigelow, the thing about that was like- Deuce Bigelow. My favorite thing about that, I was flying to Australia to promote the movie and I'd never flown anywhere to promote anything.

So this is like the first starring role in any movie where I was like the guy on the poster. So I guess it's cool to be on the poster and there's a billboard of you. And it was, and I thought, well, let's just have a big name. It was Walt Disney Company did it. And it was for Joe Roth. And I said, this is a funnier thing. It's like me naked on the side of a bus, you know, like the Burt Reynolds thing. And I was in really good shape back then. He said, this would be funny. And I said, no. And they said a very interesting thing. He said, posters are to not lose people.

Don't give people a reason to not want to go see it. Oh, I'll give them any edge on that. And I said, holy crap. And so I'm flying to Australia because the movie did really good in America. And then you hear this laughter. It's hard to hear anything on a plane. But you hear this booming laughter on a plane. And I go back there and they were watching my movie without the sound. Oh.

Oh, really? Because they didn't want to, you had to spend money to get movies back then. Really good sign. Yes. Really good sign. I said, this is going to do really good everywhere. But they didn't pay the 10 bucks, they're just watching the movie. Because they can understand it by the physicality, because that's the way you're going to train. And you can laugh harder when it's funny with the sound off. You're not waiting for punchlines. Yeah. You can just relax. And sometimes when you're doing things and they don't, it's really funny, and then they could ruin it with sound. Yeah.

There was a Men Behaving Badly TV series. The funniest thing I did in the whole series was very frustrating because the English show was so funny. It's the only reason I agreed to do it. A sitcom you did in the night. And they just do the same thing, a sitcom on NBC. And they just – instead of making it just doing the same episodes that they did in England, they watered them down as like men apologizing badly. But there was one really funny thing was that there was – I'm going to get attacked by an owl.

And it was in the way back in the foreground. I'm just in the background while there's people in the front, which that's hilarious. Yeah. Because you could be the funny. They said, well, what do we have? We can't have a real owl. And I said, just get a stuffed owl. Just get something. And I'll pretend it's attacking to me. So I grabbed the beak right here and I did this and I am spinning around and I'm going out of frame, coming back in, coming through. I'm hitting it, hitting it, hitting it. And then they put...

And it was the funniest thing I had done on that show. And then they put like, when they came on the air,

The cowardly producers decided to put a squawk, squawk, squawk, squawk, which killed it. Yeah. Because it brought too much attention to it. But I ended up redoing that for another movie, basically that idea of the far background and going back with an animal. That's the essence of comedian trying to be in movies and wanting to control the rhythm. And Sandler told me early on after his success, he goes, Carvery, they don't.

Meaning the directors. He did a couple of movies where Adam didn't get to be Adam. He goes, they don't know what they're doing, Harvey. Yeah.

Yeah. They don't really know. It's not their fault. They don't know where to put the camera or whatever. So that kind of triggers me a little bit because I had experiences just like that. Because that's a survival mechanism. You know what? Yeah. We know the funny part. Just let us do that. And then if you get anybody who's going to be a director, and they usually put us with commercial directors because they know where to put the camera, know how to work, and they know a schedule and blah, blah, blah. But they also have the ego of like, no, let's do it my way. Right. Yeah.

And then you go, but this is what I wrote. Well, Penelope Spheres in Wayne's World 1 was my best director because I'd have a Garth thing and she'd go, what are you going to do here? And I'd show her. And her only direction was, could you do it 10 seconds faster? That was it. No other direction. But that's actually good because I will say- Yeah, because I already had the character. And the thing is about doing it faster and cutting out the pauses is instructive. That's fine. That's just, okay, I can do it a little shorter. I used to hate when like-

you know, Dennis Dugan would say, can you do it without the pauses? Can you just do it without the pauses? Just do it tighter there without the pauses. And I said, can't you just cut it that way? And he said, what if I don't want to cut it? And then he's right. Yeah. Because a single shot is best, ideally, unless the edit is a comic. That was the thing, like John Cleese, such a, my hero and like, genius, genius. And he said, you know, look at the scene in Life of Brian, also voted as the number one comedy of all time in England. Um,

Not that you bastardize our language, but for English, the traditional. Anyway, it's all, and he said, this is the number one, this is the voted, not by me, of course, by people who, you know, the public. So anyway, so he said, look at the scene when Michael Palin and the guards are going in to, you know, this is, this is,

"Don't let anyone in, blah, blah, blah, unless it's him." And it's the guards and they said, and then, "So okay, let anyone in." "No, no, no, no, no, don't let anyone in no matter what." And it's a very intricate thing. But it's a single master shot. They said it requires a lot more rehearsal, but it's worth it. Let the audience decide where they want to look. 'Cause so much of direction, in television direction, and we're in an era of television. - Digital cutting. - Cut here, let them look at this, cut here, look at them. Do this movie, I don't really speak Spanish,

but I just directed a film in Mexico and the editor, who's a great guy, but he cuts to this and then punch in on this and I said, let the audience figure it out. Two shots are great. Where they're looking, let the audience decide who they want to look at. I feel like when I'm watching some Sandoz specials, I'm in an invisible flying chair. Like I'm flying in the chair seeing the guy waist up and all of a sudden I'm, oh,

way in the back and then I'm right up on his face and like, you know, just let it breathe. It jars you a little bit. That cowboy shot, hold that a lot. Yeah. Don't over cut. That's the most important shot for standup in those specials is the cowboy. I don't know who couched it. Was it Steve Allen? I mean, it just became the classic shot to give a monologue on a talk show. The audience has to feel comfortable. Yeah. They have to be comfortable with you and with them. And if they're, and I always tell the movies, it's like, you know, and I tell this because I was just working with a great crew in Mexico and I said, listen,

I said, here's the thing. And I would tell the first AD, you know, because we were getting along in days. And I said, you know what people never say? I got to go see that new movie. I heard it was on time. And I tell the cinematographer who wanted to do this shot. And I said, you know what they never hear? You never hear people say, like, I got to go see that new movie. I hear the camera moves are excellent. I heard it came in under budget. Yeah.

All right, Rob. Thanks for coming by. I loved it. Rob Schneider, all-time great on SNL. Huge cultural influence in American comedy. Fake movies. In the last 30 years. And just really shared a lot of great times with this young man. David, we're friends, right? Yeah. I like all my youngsters. I'm so proud of both of you. Thank you. We hope we made you proud. All right, Rob. Thanks, Robert. Peace out. Be well. Love you guys.

This has been a podcast presentation of Cadence 13. Please listen, then rate, review, and follow all episodes. Available now for free wherever you get your podcasts. No joke, folks. Fly on the Wall has been a presentation of Cadence 13, executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Chris Corcoran of Cadence 13, and Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman with production and engineering support from Serena Regan and Chris Basil of Cadence 13.