SUPERFLY #13 - Pillow Fights
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

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Find it on auto trader. See it. Find it. Auto trader. If it's outrageous, it's contagious. You can monetize your sexuality. And in your case, my tasteful dick pics on only fans, some not so tasteful. There's a paywall. It's worth it. Commence shit show. That's a big beginning. Yeah. Yeah. What's up? Shades aren't bad though. What do you mean?

I mean, I didn't know there was a shell station by your house. Shell station? I got them at Exxon. Sometimes you miss it, Spudly. There is a shell station across from this place I eat in Malibu. And I went in there and they're selling shirts. There's like five flannel shirts. I'm like, who's buying that? Oh, this one's not bad. I bought one.

I like those super, super stations, you know, travel and there's all the trucks and there's like a store and you get knickknacks. I love it. Yeah. When you're driving, you pull over and just wander around in there aimlessly. Almost bought Heather a puka shell necklace at one of them. I thought it was her birthday. It was a little late. It was $1.99. Truth be told. You should have done it. It was her birthday this week. I know. You blew it. What's it like to be 26? Yeah.

She gave a little slower one. It's on a need-to-know basis. Dana, this weekend, this week, of course, I did gigs. But, of course... Can we hear about them? Well, I'm looking forward to... I got two in Florida next week, which is Clearwater. Great town. And Scorlando. Beautiful town. I like when people talk about major cities as towns. Beautiful town. Chicago's a great town.

That's a great little town. Rome is a terrific little suburb. Rome? I just went for Rome, you know. So you're out on the road. You're going to Clearwater. Yeah, I am going. But last week I did Houston. That was a private. Then I came home. Oh, I did my three days on that movie. Movies for Apple Plus. That's a secret movie.

It's not really a secret because it was already in deadline that I'm doing it, but I'm not the star of it. That's Cameron Diaz and Keanu Reeves, but I love them. I think they're both cooler than shit. Absolutely. Cameron Diaz, back in the hunt. Back in the hunt. Good for her. She's awesome. She's one of my favorites, and Jonah Hill wrote it with his buddy, and he directed it, and he's in it.

So I think, yeah. So I think what I could, I mean, I just probably should not say a lot because they don't, but I'm not a big part, but I'm one of Keanu's neighbors who's kind of an idiot. But Keanu, by the way, could not be cooler as advertised. It's almost like nerve wracking to me.

He's the most unassuming superstar. I did this event with him at Tom Hanks at a small theater where we all read Shakespeare and goofed around. Julia Roberts was there. So there's a lunch break and we're all around a table and

So I did my old trick of, has anyone ever experienced anything supernatural besides me? That's the joke part. But everyone has a ghost story, right? Everyone goes around. I saw this light. I saw this thing. And Keanu is like 50 feet away at a table by himself facing away. And they're like, Keanu, come over here. It's too cool. He walks cool. He's got kind of a stiff walk from being in 15 Matrix movies. He's like.

And I'm like, I remember I got a little speed up on Dickie Roberts. I did some of my own stuff. And he's like, yeah, great. Well, I put down my weapons. I mean, there was a whole rivalry between Bill and Ted and Wayne and Garth. And it trended for a while. You know, part of me wanted to. Oh, was there? Yeah. And I just wanted to go at those guys, man. Dress as Garth.

Who do you think you are? You Bill or you Ted? But yeah, there was a slight comparison, but I think everybody's fine. I think Buddy movies, comedies, and he's done cool stuff. And also we're sort of around the same time, those movies, you know? So Buddy was very generous and sweet. And when we do scenes with him, I just, it's so funny. I couldn't get my lines in this one thing. They were stuck. And of course, it made me sick.

Because I see him going, who's this fucking clown? Is this Jonah Hill, the director, looking at the monitor? No, Jonah couldn't be more of a rate, high energy, positive. And he wrote it. And it's a very cool movie. So it's set in LA. It's about LA. And I had a good time. I was a little nervous being on someone else's set instead of my own stuff I usually do.

do you know you're kind of sort of yeah doing your own thing a little bit or doing something with friends or so yeah you know yeah or something I maybe co-wrote or something I have a big say but just to walk onto a set those are

Those are a little more tricky. By the way, did I interrupt you? Because I only get five per podcast. No, that's it. That's the whole story. Did you hear about that? This is very quick, but going one more time to Keanu Reeves, who's such an enigma in a great way. But he's taking a commuter flight at night, one of those smaller airlines to LA from, I think, Santa Rosa or Northern California. Engine trouble. They got emergency land in Bakersfield.

So he doesn't have a car meet him. He just hangs out with everybody else. A bus arrives to pick up all the passengers. This is the middle of the night. And he, he, he gets drinks and brings people water and stuff, sits with all of them on, on the bus all the way into LA from Bakersfield and,

And made sure everyone was home safe. Yeah, well, that sounds about right. He didn't seem overly cool at all, overly. He's such a monster star, and he always gets good press. I'm like, everything I read about you is like, Keanu Reeves gave everyone he ever met a motorcycle this week. I'm like, God damn.

What do you do when the lights aren't on? Well, you do cool things when nobody's looking, right? Put an extra quarter into the parking meter just for taxes. That goes somewhere. Someone's benefiting. And I go, you know what? That one's on me.

All right. Now let's go on to our Cameron Diaz praise fest. Now this person. No, we'll just say that she's, I've always liked her and everyone does. She's great. Yeah. So I was really lucky to just be part of that one. So I'm happy about that. Now we can continue. I just wanted to say a plug for an Apple TV movie that I don't know when it'll be out. It'll be out probably. It doesn't matter. It's going to sit on the shelf. Movies that go on live streaming are,

are in a kind of a bookstore. So it'll just be on Apple for decades. You'll hear about it soon. It doesn't matter what comes out. Now, what do we got other than that? What are our topics today? Well, I can start. I can start with anything. I'm always asked, you know,

This is a quick one. Arnold asks us, remember we were at Arnold's place and we were interviewing him? And at the end he goes, let me ask you fellas a question. How do you stay so thin? Because thin is in and the little dogs are living longer than the big dogs. Yeah.

And you kind of get, well, we try to do this, we try to do that. But I never explain my five-minute thing that I tell people if they're curious about how to never worry about their weight again without all simple. What's a five-minute thing? It'd probably be three minutes. Okay, go ahead. First of all, weigh every day. Step on a digital scale. Just stop weighing with no judgment. It doesn't matter what the number is. Just stand on it.

Okay. That's going to hypnotize your brain a little bit. What you want to do, don't ever try to get to a bottom number and then you just bounce off of it. Try to slowly merge into a range you want to live.

Um, like you would be like one 10 to one 20, but you find a paradigm and that's where you live in your paradigm. So you slowly trend into that. So say it's between one 40 and one 50, which is kind of where I'm at. So then you, you are really, cause I'm close. I'm like,

The high end. I'm like 149. Yeah, that's me right now. Yeah. I don't really worry about it. I just try to... But I just tell people, just weigh every day and it'll hypnotize the part of your brain where you'll sort of go, oh, I'm 160. If I kind of have a light lunch, I'll be 159. So that's the key to it. But most people stop weighing because they're gaining. When you're gaining is when you want to weigh. And then you give yourself a...

a brownie point for like no one would have three banana splits yesterday and four hot dogs and get on the scale. So the main thing is to keep weighing and hypnotize your brain, get in an area you want to live and just keep weighing. And I call it a thousand mini diets. You never want to wake up and go, fuck, I got to lose 20 pounds. You want to wake up and go, I could use, I could lose half pound.

That's it. I did that. Sorry. That's good. That's a good lesson. No, that's a good lesson. And I did that on the first grownups. I'd always weighed 145, no 140. And when I such a fucking pipsqueak and then I get on grownups and you have to go to the doctor first and had the old scale, you know, that thing, you know, clanks and yeah. And you put like the clanker on there and then you got the one pounder. Yeah. And he puts it on. He goes, I'll put this one on 100.

Oh, come on. And I go, put that on 140. I'll give you, because I go, he goes, what do you weigh? I go, 140. He goes, 140? I go, yeah. He goes, why is he upset? And I go, because he's not believing me. And I go, why so curious? And he goes, and he goes, I go, just write it down. He goes, why don't you jump on the scale while you're here? And I go,

What if I said, Adam's not going to like this. I told him, Adam Sandler doesn't like when you try to bully me, you know? So I get, I go, okay. So I put the big square on a hundred, you know how they do that? Right. Yeah. But then it gets you to 120. And then I put the little one on, I put that at 145. I go, I'm a fat ox. And then I get on and it goes, you know, and I'm like, God damn. So yeah. So you have to move it. So I got to put on 150 and then I go back to zero. And then you go back. Yeah. So I'm 150. And then he starts going.

forever until he gets a cramp. I'm like this. 165. And when was this? This is during grownups. So that was 10 years ago. Oh, that's like every day is a party. Okay. We've got a picture of you. Okay. No. Oh, we're talking about, this is a good way to lose weight. Delta Burke says she tried crystal mesh. That'll do it. This is, must've been before Ozempic.

Well, let me just say about that. I mean, that's obviously funny. I'm happy for her, but crash diets don't work. All they do is slow your metabolism down and you don't, it's not what you weigh. It's what you're made of. How much lean muscle do you have compared to fat? So people go, man, I'm, my weight's really down. You go, yeah, but you'll,

Look at your legs. You're standing on sticks. Oh, you're saying your body's fat up here and your little stick legs don't work. Well, that's called a golf tee. That's guys in the gym who just work their arms and chest, but not their calves. And then they're like, yeah, little tiny legs, little tiny ankles and tiny feet and a huge shoulder and the pecs are growing out and you look like a golf tee. Oh, man.

play through play through yeah how do you guys stay so tiny you know because you could live a long time if you're tiny I know he goes it's so great you're microscopic

I'm like, we're not. It's so rude. Let me tell you, how is it with the ladies when you get into the bed and she's twice as big as you are? We're like, Arnold, we're here to interview you. Yeah, then he picks me up like Stuart Little. You little mouse. Remember I said count my push-ups? And then he says, that's very good. Now you do them and I ride your back.

So Arnold gets on my back and I'm trying to do pushups. The guy's like 225. I'm a giant. Yeah. I'm riding you. Now give me 10. You are a turtle. People didn't hear that episode of going, is he serious? That Arnold, everything was serious until Arnold writing me. That was, that's on the fly on the wall. Yeah. Which is available everywhere. You get your podcast available on podcasts. So is this one.

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That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. This woman really stepped in shit. It's the greatest term. It finally fits someone perfectly. Why she says Sidney Sweeney isn't pretty and can't act. You couldn't have a worse quote out there for someone who's really at the top of her game right now and doing well and, uh,

Like it says, jealous. Incredibly, I'll read it for the drivers. This is a picture of a normal, attractive 50-year-old woman or average looking, not bad. And then a picture of

young, lovely Sydney Sweeney. The headline is incredibly jealous and probably flat chested. This is not us. Producer Carol Baum slams Sydney Sweeney. Quote, she isn't pretty and can't act. The part that's real is that she did say that. Now,

We don't have to tear her down on the way. And that, I don't know whose articles is funny though. It's probably some parody one, but Sydney Sweeney, this woman did say that. And I'm sure she's regrets it because you can't, you're just asking for trouble. Yeah. Look, here's a woman. Here's what, here's what I would say.

The acting is overrated. I don't, I'm not even saying whether she's good or bad. What, what, what are you feeling when you see her like Elvis Presley or Marilyn Monroe? Were they as good as Brando, but they were electric on the screen. I'd say John Wayne as well. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but what I've seen of Sydney, she has it. And that means you're attracted to her.

her spirit and her physicality. Yeah. And so, but I understand these human emotions. You kind of have to spiritually with yourself go, oh, you're jealous. You know, make them your little buddy. Well, hi, jealous. Oh, you don't have to put down that person. You're just, you're just kind of jealous right now. It's okay. You had your youth. I never wanted to be a grumpy old man and angry. I don't like young people. No.

I want to go back. I want more life for me. You've met a grumpy old man when you were really young and they're just pissed at you just because you're young. Never going to be that guy. Oh, here's one because I went to UFC. Pull this one up. This is a sport that's real and I thought you'd laugh at it even though I have nothing to say about it. There's a pillow fighting league and dudes, not females, males get up in there and beat the shit out of each other with pillows. Here, do they have a clip? Try to

I mean, are they really? They throw that one in there. Are people watching that? I saw the crowds little sparse, but you know, it's definitely, I like people. There was, there was like, uh, you know,

people sponsoring it on every pillow and there's dr pepper over here and i'm like this is real is the day ufc was on i had the channel on i'm just watching before ufc came on and i'm like oh my god there's a pillow fight and it's real and unless they're full of like uh coke cans like bad boys like that's interesting but just feather pillows like hitting each other i don't i don't know i don't see the strategy the one that's adjacent to this yeah that's related to

Your friend Dana White is the slapping thing. I don't know if people have seen this, but two dudes sit across from each other, their hands are down, and they take turns slapping the shit out of each other. But they're really big, strong guys. It is extremely compelling to look at someone take it because...

You know, you've shooken Mike Tyson's hand. If he slapped you, it's lethal. I shooken did. I saw him at the fight. By the way, look at this. He saw him at the fight. Here's what they do. So they, even the worst thing, because in a UFC fight, you don't really know what's coming. You know, you're getting in a fight, which is already terrifying. But on slap fight, they go like this. You stand there, Dana, and the guy goes like this, right? Yeah. Makes your face and he goes, what?

And then you go, God damn, this is the one I think I get it on. Then he goes, yeah, he's doing it. Wow. Oh, there we are. Yeah. But usually every clip I see, the guy just blacks out. The guy actually, he gets kind of knocked out. He blacks out. He's semi-conscious. Yeah, most of them fall and just are like, cuckoo bird, bird.

So I don't know. It's appealing. Dana said it's doing great. And the clips do well on YouTube. There's one. I think it's in East Asia. And I don't know if it's real, but it's called Sledgehammer. So you stand there and a guy has a sledgehammer and he just like hits you in the head with it. I'm trying to think what is worse. There's a porn where the girl kicks you in the balls. Let's look at a clip.

No, I don't think we have it. There's called grape choke, where a guy just shoves grapes in your mouth until you start choking. That one's big in, I don't know, Australia, I think. Wait, what's this one? Let's see what this is. Let's see what this is. Oh, this is the one I told you. They pull each other by the ears with rubber bands. Heather, look at how horrible this is. Now keep going. Here's the one. See the guy in the right? His ears. They're so casual. Look at them. What? Doesn't bother me. Doesn't bother me none.

Huh? Oh look at his ear bending! Sick! This is... Oh my gross! Wow! Look at that guy's face on the right! I don't like it. Wow. Look at grandpa, I'm scared! Yeah. Okay. And it's gonna snap too! Just a snap I'd hate. You can't just hit- oh who's his coach?

Oh, all right. For our drivers, you're just watching two guys somewhere with rubber bands around their ears attached to the other guy's ears and they're pulling on each other until someone would give up. When I look at that, I go, we are well fed on this earth. We used to hunt and gather all day and then sleep all night. Now it's like, what are we going to do? You can't even parody that. I thought my sledgehammer or grape choke was good, but geez.

That's real. Yeah. These guys are real. And you just don't want your kid coming to you one day going, I found what I want to do. And you're like, oh, is it ear rubber band fighting? You're like, yep. Oh boy. Yeah. All right. I put a pillow in each guy's hand and do pillow rubber.

Rubber band in the ear. Why don't they have girls pillow? I mean, if you're going to do pillow fight, I don't understand. We don't need either. I'm forgetting. Yeah. Okay. Let's go to the next one. What's next? What's next? Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff. These are some weird stories. Oh, this is Kim K, who we all like. Of course. I think Kim K is nice. I saw this thing the other night. I didn't talk to her.

I did the Tonight Show with her once with Jay Leno. She was incredibly nice. And she goes, well, what do you guys do for skin care? And Jay said, yeah, I just put water on my face. I don't wash it. I mean, I wash my face with that. I wash my hair with soap. I just play. No, you don't need to do soap. I just let you know water. It's fine.

So I like Kim Kardashian. She's a hard-working businesswoman. People go, what do the Kardashians do? I go, they work their asses off. Don't show the comments already. The joke is she's doing a dive on Instagram, but she's in one foot of water. So she goes, look, it looks like a dolphin a little bit right there. But she's diving and people clown her because-

you're sort of doing a belly flop. You have to, or you're going to get paralyzed, right? Not with a soft sand. No. And I think when I'm in the ocean, I try to get to the place as soon as I can. I want to get my head under the water. David, listen to this. You can write it down or hope you remember it. Everybody grab a pen.

If you're in cold water, that doesn't look cold, but it's kind of cold. You got to get you got to bite the bullet, go under the water and swim really hard for a bit. That's the only way to reduce freezing. So that's all Kim's doing. See how I defend her. Haters be hating. Lovers be loving. You know what I heard? I heard that haters going to hate. Is that true? And what a lover's do. Lover's going to love.

I don't. Are you drinking haterade? Okay. Let's go to. I had a hater. Let's go to Michael J. Fox. All right. You know, Michael J. Fox. Of course, from Saturday Night Live when he hosted there was awesome. So he says being famous was tougher in the 80s. You had to be talented. Shots fired. This is a common theme, I think, with anyone that. Everybody knows. Isn't.

An influencer. Everyone thinks they're so talented. Well, you know, go ahead. Give me your opinion because mine's probably too long winded on this. I think it doesn't matter really whatever brings an audience. Different people are bringing a different audience for different reasons. Right.

Yes. And that's a safe answer because of digital technology. Someone can go on only fans and reach people all around the world. The aggregate audience digitally is on YouTube is five billion people. So now you have all these lanes. You used to be like really weird to be from the first time you were on camera and stuff because you may have known someone in the neighborhood with a Super 8 camera. So everyone's a TV star. Everyone has a voice. And I asked some talent managers.

maybe six, seven years ago, out of curiosity, I go, does talent matter anymore? They immediately all said no. Jesus. If there was a kid who was kind of nice looking,

And he lasted for a while just because he became a surrogate boyfriend on YouTube. Hey, hey, gang, how you all doing? You know, he made a few million. So it's very dispiriting. But yeah, you don't have to be talented in the same way you used to because there were so few lanes. You just make your own little world. And if it's outrageous, it's contagious. You can monetize your sexuality. And in your case and my tasteful dick pics on OnlyFans.

Some not so tasteful. There's a paywall. Well, I want to be an influencer. I'd love to do that. I'd love to hold up a watch and get a million dollars. I know. I want to do all this. Michael J. Fox is talented, so we can't take that away from him. You know, I think we've all... I think I said this at the beginning, and then I just gave up because no one's listening. I did a couple of sitcoms in the 80s, and I was terrible. I mean, Michael J. Fox...

On Family Ties. He's great. It was like incredible timing. And then famously on the Back to the Future movies, it's hard to play the innocent, sincere guy reacting all day long. Hey, Sarge. Yeah. And also he's got that, you know, he had that kind of raspy voice. Yes. What's the movie? We haven't done it in a while. Casualties of War. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of my favorite impressions of David. This is Michael J. Fox.

In the Vietnam War movie, Casualties of War. I think he's the new guy with all these jaded soldiers. And they go and they grab this Korean girl or whatever. Yeah, Sean Penn is like the badass. And John C. Reilly. And they take her to another room to sort of fool around with her. And he goes, hey, Sarge. Hey, what are we doing here exactly? You got to give me a minute on this here. Oh, Christ, it's Mallory? Mal?

That's a combination of an impression from a movie from 500 years ago and a TV show from 400 years ago. Well, someone sent me... Yesterday, I can't remember. They sent me Partridge Family versus the great... Oh, that's a great one. The sketch on SNL. Oh, that's great. And you were on the drums. I was David Cassidy's... You were front and center, dude. Yeah. I was David Cassidy's. Sandler was in it. And, of course, pretty much everybody. Yeah, the whole cast was in it. Chris Rock at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was in my top...

maybe 20 sketches ever. I mean, I would probably take that back, but that's up there with very, very memorable. Well, I think for our generation, which Bill Simmons, uh,

the famous podcaster said is that there, it was such a touchstone because of going back to the last thing. There wasn't that much television. I grew up with three channels. So everyone knew Brady Bunch and Patriot Partridge family in our generation. So when we did the rave off, it landed so good. And it's, I would say,

It's probably one of the happiest sketches I can watch. Like I watch it and I'm just happy. And here's who's in it when you go back in time. Me, you, Sandler, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, Kevin Nealon, Mike Myers, Julia Sweeney, Siobhan, Farley. And the architect...

Of the entire thing. Melanie Hutzel. Melanie Hutzel. Melanie Hutzel. That was her baby. You know, I sent it to Sandler about a month ago because it popped up on my feed. Yeah. And we both laughed at how Farley plays Ruben Quintet. Yeah, I know. That was Farley. That's a good sound. Showing another. He had that gear when he wanted to. He's playing kind of the sort of straight-laced manager and sort of very matter-of-fact. And he cut to him and gets a laugh. He's just like this.

Yeah. Because he looks different. He's got a big sport coat on. But he's playing kind of small and stuff. Yeah, he's playing it small, which is even funnier. Really makes me laugh because everyone knows how explosive he is. But yeah, everybody in that thing makes me laugh. Everybody who showed up. All right, next one, next one. What else is up? That's a good sketch, though. You can look it up. You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony.

which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, yeah.

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

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are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Ooh. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah. Look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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a millionaire again without anything. In 2020, in the middle of the pandemic, Mike Black wanted to show that you can go from nothing to something with a bit of hard work to inspire people. He started with a cell phone, one pair of clothes, no place to live, some dirty underpants, cut himself off from his network,

To make a million. Smart. Smart. Worked the business end of a glory hole. Okay. Here we go. And even

with that he had to end the project two months early because his mental and physical health was crumbling he ended up nine hundred and thirty five thousand dollars short of his one million dollar goal and admitted to the worst time of his life that's pretty good i don't know uh is that was that mark zuckerberg's story i mean that wish zuckerberg would try that like it's so funny because i thought oh my god he's gonna make it and it's like he totally quit and went bananas

It is fucking brutal. What is he doing? Cuts himself off from all his money and just goes out there with a pogo stick and a $5 cash app. Guess what? It didn't work. You know...

In today's world, you're just looking at it. I got a couple dollars in my pocket. I love when people say that. Yeah, you got some beans in your jeans. Alec Baldwin once said, I got a couple bucks in my pocket. And it seems like everybody, just on social media and Daily Mail and all the nonsense, is rich. Everybody is incredibly rich now.

And so the pressure of thinking there's this other magic world to go live in billionaires, they were quiet. We didn't see them on their yachts. So it's another modern thing that's making people crazy. They weren't jacked and juiced. If I get a billion, I'm going to- But I was rooting for that guy when I was watching it. I was too. I'm like, he's going to make it. And he's like-

Then he was dry humping a railroad tie and got splinters in his dick. You know, it's like he went a little crazy. I understand. It's a hard thing. I wouldn't try to do it myself. I just cling on to any money I have at night and kiss it like this. I'm the exact opposite. Yeah. I mean, you know, how would you deal with it? You know, if you, if somehow you got ahold of that type of money, it's like I was broke all growing up, cut to a shot of me living in a mansion.

I was broke growing up, and so I never want to go back. That's what scares you, to be totally broke, but to wonder like, oh, we don't have rent. Oh, I don't know this. As a kid, and my mom working the two jobs, sounds fake, but it was. Three boys were all assholes growing up.

You don't know you're broke, so you're like, why don't we have more stuff? You know things stick out from your childhood, just things that were said to you. So there was five kids in a track home. It's about maybe 1,500 to 1,700 square feet. And so we never had a new car and all this. But I wasn't really thinking. We did have a...

use TV and all that, but I didn't think about being poor. And then a kid in the neighborhood, somehow I was like fourth grade kind of vulnerable. And I go, he was talking about someone I go, were there poor? And he goes, yeah, yeah. Kind of like you. And I remember going, I'm poor. Yeah.

I didn't know. Dude, I got the same shit. A guy at kickball told me, he goes, hey, Spade, I heard your family's poor. And being poor wasn't a real panty dropper, even in fourth grade. Because girls are like, wait, what's going on? And everyone got quiet. And I go, no, I think you got some bad intel, guy. I don't know. But I don't know if I'm poor, but I don't want to. I'm like, no. And he goes, no, you're poor. That's the word. I'm like, what a cock blocker. I know. And then I argued him. I go, would our car...

would we have two tires on our front yard if we were poor? And he's like, yeah. And I go, no, no, we have a car. And then we have two extra ones laying on the grass. If you're really poor, he's like, your, your, your car's on blocks and your house is on wheels. Yeah. Ah,

But suffice to say, so people don't play violins, we had food on the table. It was, you know, my dad would buy a side of beef and it was mostly gristle. Oh, Jesus Christ, get the gristle. The gristle's the best part. It's just juicy fat and bone. Everything's the best part when it's gross. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then we had Carol's syrup because like Aunt Jemima's syrup was more expensive. And that was like the liquid clear syrup.

Carousel, that's motor oil, isn't it? I wanted to play saxophone in fifth grade, but it was $7 to rent. $7 a month or something to rent the saxophone. What do you think of Nelson J. Rockefeller? No, and every day I go, I'll get it tomorrow. And finally I asked my parents. They go, we can't afford that. So I had to go in and go, actually, so where's your saxophone? It ain't coming. There is no saxophone. The teacher goes, you can blow me for free if you want to practice. And you're like, well...

Where did it go to that? No, it's a great scene. Yeah. Okay. What do we do to wrap up? Do we have anybody put a video in? I had a funny thing today. Oh, you had a funny thing? Okay, let's hear it. Well, I saw Biden got up there and gave a speech. Oh, that's right. Biden gave a speech and he... Go ahead. Yeah. Well, what did he say before that? Because sometimes... Okay, we'll make it so it's nonpartisan.

We'll shit on Trump in a second. But Biden, actually, he said he says something. And then there's clearly this other word that's more of a direction to him. But I think he said it's going to be four more years. Yeah, that's it. I'm looking at it. So he says, yeah, it's like, yeah, it's going to be four more years. Pause. Pause. Yeah. And then the ground was like this screaming. Yeah.

But he did have a good joke. I'll give him credit. He had a good joke. He said something like, yeah, Trump, you ever have a guy in high school, you want to just hit him with a left hook? Yeah, I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't say that. I want to hit him with the left hook. You know, Trump said that you got to put hydrogen peroxide during COVID. You got injected in your arm. But instead, he put it on his hair.

And they went bananas. Did he say that? Yeah. Pretty good joke. Who wrote that joke? You? No, Jesus. I saw him go, hey, came to buy. And he goes,

He goes, yeah. Yeah. You want to wind up four more years with that guy? Question mark? Question mark? It's a little bit like Michael J. Fox. Is it? Sarge. Biden. Sarge. Am I too old to be president, Sarge? Hey, Sarge, you want that guy? You want that guy? I don't know. I just do it. If you want to go back to the core. What happens when Obama's listening to this at home with Clinton? No.

Michelle, I'm watching Joe. Hold on a second. Holy shit. He said, pause. No, it was in the direction. He said, four more years, and there was direction to him to stop talking so the crowd can go crazy. Instead, Joe went, four more years, pause.

He said pause? He said pause. Michelle, he said pause. Fucked up. Let me call Bill Clinton. Bring, bring, bring, bring. Hey, what's up? Are you asking about Joe? I saw it. Oh, he said pause. He said pause. I go, no, you cannot do that. That means to stop talking. He kept going. I can't believe it. Hello? Hello? Michelle, I hung up on him.

Michelle, do you still get it? He said the word pause. No, he said it out loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one can get it. They're like, you're joking.

Well, I think it's funny and he does get laughs at that. If he's doing that on purpose, it's funny. No, he had a good, that's fine. And Trump's just, I don't know, I assume the next movie they're going to jail him for being contempt of court or something. I saw him doing one of his after court briefings, but he seemed like he was in like a Folgers can. He's like, I'm in this room right now. And I'm like,

It's obviously not mic'd up. It's not professional. No, he's in some partial underground garage or some overhead thing. Let's put him in a janitor's closet. Okay, do it quick, quick. The fix is in. It's a hit job. It's a hit job and the fix is in. This whole thing is corrupt. It's election interference. You know that word, election interference? So they're the ones that are interfering.

And they shouldn't be. They shouldn't be. And you know they shouldn't be. I wonder since his hair is orange, if he gets a jumpsuit, they'll make it lighter brown or black or something. Yeah, that shouldn't. Unless he wants to be all orange. That's not a good palette for him. I think he should have a different color. You're right. I'll just say the world's a little crazy right now. I'm just going to go out on a limb. I'm going to talk about it more next week. But do we have any people that wrote in for advice or no? Is that it?

Oh, okay. You can video yourself giving advice and we give the best advice. No offense. It's unbelievable. We gave a lot of advice on this one. Straighten out a lot of people. Okay. Well, thank you, Dana. And it was really fun. My pleasure. And we might have a guest next week. Oh, maybe a secret guest. Who knows? Don't give it away. Somebody familiar to us.

Well, thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.