SUPERFLY #28 - Celebrity House Party and Olympics
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah, I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Old Man starring Jeff Bridges and John Lithgow. The hit show returns as the stakes get higher and more secrets are uncovered. The former CIA agent sets off on his most important mission to date, to recover his daughter after she's kidnapped. FX's The Old Man premieres September 12th on FX, streamed on Hulu. If you wanted to be a hater and you're out at a bar with this guy, you go, oh, here's a guy.

that knocked it off his wiener and all the girls like ooh and then you go yeah and you know pole vaulting is such a precise sport that you could be just you could miss the bar by a quarter inch and you'd still win so you have at least an eighth of an inch wiener and he's like wait what but he was seen before he started down the runway with his hands in his pants oh is he slapping it dana we can start but i just have to tell you that i only have

I was gonna raw dog it. I only had this much water for the whole time. Right, right, smart. I have to work the word raw doggy and everything in life. So then I realized I found one with this much water. So now you are raw doggy or not raw? No, not raw doggy. This is just, I'm gonna be scrimping like Scrooge McDuck.

Hmm. So is that Hawk Tooey or is that? Hawk Tooey. Hawk Tooey Duck. Yeah. Scrooge McDuck started that. Yeah. The Hawk Tooey girl. Yeah. I don't know when we are officially in some sort of futuristic society when Hawk Tooey is

now has a five-pitcher deal. God bless her. Octooie, I'm surprised she wasn't in Deadpool and Wolverine. She's such a huge star now. I know. She's everywhere. She's hosting the Oscars. Her and Kevin Hart. Yeah. Octooie. Her and Tina Fey. Yeah. And her Vietnamese brother-in-law, Octooie. Good night. Vietnamese.

Well, Hawk's the Hot Toey. Sorry. We can cut this out. No, no. There's Hawkeye and there's Hawk Toey. And they're in the Avengers. Hawk Toey. Yeet. Okay, so I saw Deadpool the other day and I'm going to say the whole thing in 25 seconds. Okay, what do you call them?

- Thumbnail grab. - Yeah, this is, oh, you got a couple. I'm jealous 'cause there's a couple where you're like, last week I had the ugliest YouTube shorts thumbnail grab. I can't even recreate it. - Everyone is talking about it. It trended quite. - Everyone goes, "Don't click on that." - They even found us, wait a month. - My sister said, "Well, Galdang, what's up with his thumbnail?" - Galdang. - Galdang. - He was cute, and then I looked up his thumbnail. Okay, so I go to Wolverine.

Of course, sit through the 45 minutes of previews. The problem with that is that's when you're extra juiced to see a movie. That's when you have the most attention. And they waste it with...

Preview after preview after commercial after commercials. Nicole Kidman. Bless her heart. I love her, but enough. No Kidman. Yep. And then, and then Ryan Reynolds. He's funny and it's so long. He's funny in it, but he, I think he has too many JPMs jokes per minute, as we know in the business. So,

Each sentence is a paragraph. He says nine jokes. I could go through there and pluck out a few because a lot of them land. He's very funny. I'm not saying that. They know what they're doing. But it's a lot. So my other only pet peeve, aside from not understanding the movie, is that I think as I get older, I don't understand things. But Bonnie implied I understood.

They go around, they try to shoot them, they rob banks. Anyway, Dead Man and Wolverine school is, they fight a lot. They're friends, but they fight. Right. I guess because the movie came in only two and a half hours. They're like, well, we got to pad it. So let's have you guys fight, even though you're friends. And so the problem with that, Dana, is they both can't really die. And this bothers me about like,

Superman fighting people. Yes, you get slammed into a rock. Yes, it hurts. Yes, you get your bell rung. Yes, you get stabbed with Wolverine's claws, which are 12 inches long and go through your heart. But it just makes you mad or annoyed. And then they keep fighting and they both get tired and they go, anyway, let's go find whatever we got to find. And they keep walking down the street. No one needs any medical care. They just beat the shit out of each other for a half hour. Not Bactine.

Not asset tracing, not an eyelash in the eye. It's perfect. Perfect.

I'm worse after doing the podcast. I need a little medical attention. Oh, yeah. You need a whole adjustment. You got to go to a Pilates class. But this is just made in a factory. It's great. It's called a mashup. Can we possibly get Wolverine in the boxing ring with Deadpool? Does it make any sense that they exist? But they have greenlit the Hulk versus Superman. You wait for it for next summer. Yep. And they'll fight each other. No one dies, but they'll fight for two hours and

You know, that is a truth because Wolverine was dead. That's right. That was why his last movie was so good. Oh. And so he jokingly digs him up out of the grave to let people know, I know he's dead. You know he's dead, but we got to make a money here. So they make fun of it.

It's a global financial smash. It's a fucking smash. It's a smash. If they have enough money, they will get Hawk 2-E in there. Okay, so on the sequel. So then I went to a birthday party Saturday. I'll let you talk toward the end of this.

I like to listen because I'm a shut in. As you know, you went to a party. Yeah. Tell me. I want to hear more. A party you were invited to, but it's a hike to come into town. I actually saw Adam that day. So the party's for Eddie Vedder. I'll just say Eddie Vedder because who cares? Oh, Eddie Vedder. We love Eddie.

Pearl. 60th birthday, Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam. He was on SNL in the old days. Very sweet then. We all, of course, are fans. One of the best voices out there. Sweetheart guy. Iconic rock voice. Yeah. You can't argue that. He's very talented. So fun, fun. I don't see Adam that much. Everyone thinks we're together all the time. But he's in town. I'm in town, which is rare. So we go golf that day.

and then he says i said there's going to be an 80s band tonight you think is eddie going to get up and rock out with those guys and that'll that'll be fun if he does and he goes oh yeah he goes what are you going to do get up and sing american girl and i go tom petty no i said i don't think i said are you going to sing and he goes yeah and i go oh man i go what do you mean he goes yeah i think i'm singing acdc i go you already know and he goes yeah you're singing american girl i go no he goes

You already have a sign. Yeah, I've been assigned. I didn't know it. I go, he goes, it's on the list. I go, shut the fuck up. I'm not singing. And it's obviously a joke because I can't sing, but I did Tom Pettymax. They go, give him that. But Eddie will sing with you. So super fun. I go, I'll embarrass myself. But the problem is like, I'm just a regular clown, Dana. I'm not.

I'm not, I'm a basic stock clown. I don't have singing. I don't have the extras. You know what I mean? Sandler's, give me a clown with all the extras. Can he sing? Yes. Can he play music? Can he write? Can he do everything? Yeah. He's got all that. I'm just giving you standard stock clown.

Right. You do have a little bit of a Tom Petty singing a line or two. Yeah. Cause that's like a, cause I'm free, free falling. I'm doing Bob Dylan now, but that's kind of easy. But American girl. Yeah. She was an American girl. I mean, you can kind of fake it, but you can't fake a whole song. So anyway, it'll be just goofy. And, uh, and anyway, I go there now. I'm a little nervous that I, if I have to get up,

But the party starts at six, which is early where it's special, but I forget. I like that. It's 60th birthday, so I'm fine with it. I roll in at seven because I think I'm King Cock. You know, I'm like, I'll roll in when it starts to fill up. Dana, it's totally full at seven. And...

It's at our rich manager's backyard in Malibu. Oh my God, the acreage and the views. The columns and the dogs. My God. Gervis is our manager and we laugh and do an impression of him that doesn't sound like him, but he's like,

hey, you like it? One day, save up your money. Because he's richer than us. And when your managers don't ever go to their house, manager and agent, they're richer than you and it will make you sick to your stomach. I'm like, yeah, he's got 100 clients. They're all famous. I go, well, it makes sense, but I don't want to see it in my face. I

I remember I had lunch with one manager. At that point, I had a Honda Pilot, and he had a gold Rolls Royce. And it was like, we're valeting. And they're like, who's the star here? What happened? They go, careful with the steering wheel. It's made of diamonds. And everyone's like, oh. His shoes were literally platinum. Yeah, and you're like fucking. Rare platinum. Starting years in the front.

No, I didn't have automatic window. I didn't roll it, roll it. Yeah. All we're saying, all we're saying is cross your fingers, put some away. Yeah. So yes, you, you, Dana doesn't like money. You just don't like to work. You turned down one gig. Oh, sorry. Spade thought you liked money.

Well, you know, I mean, we God love him. But you said it before. It was so funny that on a little sheet that tells you where clients are going and it would say David to Istanbul. And that's all they saw. It was just little words on a page. But you had to fly to Istanbul and you killed. I heard. I say you do it. Not that bad. Fun little road gig. Six days of travel.

Yeah, you're going to Marrakesh. Yeah, Marrakesh. And it's a cute little hop to Istanbul. Yeah, quick little layover, 14 hours. No big deal. Making the money. We get paid to travel. I forget some of my gigs. If I have a 12-hour flight...

24 hours in a hotel, 45 minutes stand up, 12 hour flight back. How'd the gig go? I have no idea. I have no idea. Gigs are the least of my problems. Yeah, yeah. It's just the shrug. My last gig was a corporate gig. They just wanted me to meet some people and do 20. I'm like, 20? I think I told you this and halfway through there were kids in the audience. I'm like, are there effing kids here? They're like, yeah.

And I'm like, all right. But I still kind of was like, oh, I'll edit these jokes. And it's funnier to act like I'm worried about it. Anyway, so I go to Gervitz's house. So I got to drive out there, which is, you know, I think we could all get a decent place out there because it's so far in Malibu. It's an hour and a half away. I don't mind the drive. And so I get things done. I make calls. So I don't like that traffic. So...

He's the happiest human on earth. All Dana and I do in dinner is just talk like this about Gervitz. Yeah. So I get there. First guy I see, you'll be jealous, Ringo. Oh, really? Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love. Peace and love

Oh man, look at my life. I'm a lot like you were. Yeah. I mentioned someone else and see if I can. No, I saw him at the buffet. He goes, do you have any chalupas left? A little false set over. That's okay. I was just copying you. No, I was at the buffet with him. I snuck in and I took his plate and he said, Hey, my,

And he grabbed it back. He said, hey, hey, my, my, are you going to eat that last French fry? Okay. That's not bad. It's all in the buffet. That's not bad. Yeah, it was a big buffet. Yeah, it was a big buffet and there was a lot of stuff there. Keeps me searching for a heart of fun.

♪ For my salad ♪ Okay, there you go. - Ringo was next to me, he said, "Peas and carrots, peas and carrots." - Ringo was there and I said, "Can I help you?" He says, "Oh, goodbye with a little help from me friends." I mean, they're all just singing their song to answer. - Yeah, they're answers with lyrics. So there's a couple of comedians there. It was definitely fun. But the big story is- - Well, I have a question. - Yeah, go ahead.

Did Sandler wear shorts golfing? I'm sure of that. Did he also wear short pants to the birthday party? You know, I think he wore a dressed up version of Sandler, which is like a puffer with a golf shirt and a... Long pants. Jets sweats on or something. But it wasn't too gussied up. I know he had a lovely wife, Jackie's with him. And then I got word, because it got dark,

And then they said, oh, this 80s band went up and they were great. But I said, I don't think they're singing. And then they go, we got a special singer. So I'm like, here we go. Who's it going to be? You know what? It was Eddie's daughter. And she's about 14. And she sang the nicest song, really good. And it was very emotional. And listen, I know I'm the tin man. But even me, I got a little choked up, very sweet. And yeah.

Is it the Tin Man doesn't have that much emotion, I think? You get it. Well, no. No. Wait, okay. The lion was a coward.

was a coward, the scarecrow. Oh yeah, the Tin Man didn't have a heart. - A heart, yeah. - How did it take me 20 seconds to give that? I've only seen the movie three times. - I didn't really get it. I thought he just needed oil. I didn't know anything. I was like, what is his main thing though? So you got it, Tin Man. - Tin Man. So you have a heart of steel and then you're melted. - Yeah, I'm melted. Then Eddie says nice things. He gets a kick. No, I put... Is that oil?

oh you have a little clicker thing a lot going on all right so then you're you're in tears i tear up a commercial i tear up constantly most i was teared up and then i said i better get i better beat everybody out of here so it went from tears to like oh but anyway and then eddie tears to fears and uh

But by then, you know, there's probably 30 people left because now it's 930, which is midnight for people. Yeah. Yeah. In Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it's freezing out. I got to eat lamps. You want a sweater? So it's freezing out in Gervitz's massive backyard next to his tennis court. And so I say, I'm going to bounce to no one. So I just leave. I sneak out like Homer Simpson in the bushes because what's there to say?

So I say, I talk to- Oh, I hate, I like to just go, because then I'll see you. Hey, this was fun. How are you? Okay. You just disappear. You're not going, are you?

Yeah, well, yeah, that guy. Yeah. Hey, come on. Just have one little drink. Just one little drink. We're going to stay for a while. Who is there, Arthur? Joe Biden. Joe Biden, what are you doing here? I'm just going to get a drink. I don't even drink. What happened to Arthur? Arthur. Old movie reference.

Sir John Gielgud, who played the assistant to Arthur, the billionaire alcoholic. Would you like me to come in there and wash your dick? Is that what he says? I believe so. It's PG-13. Look it up. So anyway, I left because, oh, one of our comedian buddies said, hey, they're not singing. Eddie's not singing. They're not going to do that whole thing. I said, oh, okay. Well, I don't care. I mean, by then I was like, yeah, I had got a lot of it. It was super fun.

Beautifully thrown by his wife, Jill. So I took off. And then Adam says the next day, "Oh yeah." About an hour later, it got going. They started singing. I was like, "Of course!" Oh, that's like at the 40th. It was like a quarter to 5:00 AM. I'd been up 80 hours. So my wife and I slipped out the back and then it was like, "Oh, you missed Prince!"

Fuck. Never leave if there's a rock star at the park. Never leave for any reason anywhere. Just stay everywhere. And never go anywhere. All right. That was a boring weekend, but that was fun. But that's my story. And now I want to talk about the Olympics because that's really the big story. You know, Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program. Oh, yeah. If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older.

I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took a grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

They, uh, I know English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English, no English translation. So you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea. Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard. So this is, this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

is that when you learn a language and you learn to pronunciate the words in that language, you start to learn about the people who live there and speak that language. Sort of a subtle, intuitive way of integrating with the culture. A little different, yeah. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time, Fly on the Wall listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off.

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Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. Obviously, I'm on the road. I'm doing this tour, Dana. You're out there. I took my new away bag. Let's take a look at it. Heather's here. Okay. I'm an international stupid star, as you know. Yes, I've heard the rumor. This is the black one. You're twisted a little bit. You're not being a good...

Well, sideways, yeah. This is the one. So everyone has black, but you know, this one is great. You can tie a little thing around it. That's enough. But it's good because it's not completely rock solid. It's got, you know, the... Yeah, totally. It's got...

The soft side. Right. And these are the best ones in the world. This is a game changer. And you can take it on the plane. So, you know, like when you go out and you shove all your props and all things from your act. All my wigs and my glasses. Yeah. Yeah. Hans and Franz outfit. And when people kept stopping me to sign a million things, most of them were like, what's that? Is that new? Is that an away luggage? And I have to go through the whole rigmarole with them. There you go. Okay. You can put it down.

Heather's getting sore clavicle. You're like Bob Barker. You've got assistance holding up away luggage. This is their best seller, is the black. Best color. But they come in four sizes, four colors. Guess what? I'm a rebel. Look at this. What do you got?

It's kind of a whitish gray, soft side. Feel it. Touch it. Gotta do it. So I love maneuvering. These things can maneuver through an airport like nobody's business. Yeah. Because my old one was like I was carrying bricks around and these are a little lighter. You kind of push them and just

You don't think about it. They have four wheels and they turn and they're very, uh, this packs a punch. You can fit a lot of stuff into this little guy here. You know, this is like an R2 D2 size. It's tear resistant, water resistant. Cause you know, those guys don't care. And in your case, fan resistant, it's a shield. Get back. Talent resistant. Um,

If you spill stuff on it, wipe it off. That's easy. If you cry and your tears hit it, that's fine. It's like water. It thinks it's water, even though you'd lay baby tears. And listen, SoftSide is actually made of high-strength nylon. So it's durable and tear-resistant as well as water-resistant. That's a threesome right there. It holds a lot. It stays upright.

Check out the new soft side luggage from Away and head over to awaytravel.com slash fly. That's us. Fly.

There's never been, I mean, the Olympics is every four years. There's never been this much crying of defeat, crying of joy. It's a real sob fest. It's like if they win, they lose, whatever. It's just sobbing and crying. Happy crying, sad crying. Okay. All right, here we are. Go ahead and read it. Okay, for you drivers. Olympic gold medalist found sleeping in park due to subpar conditions at Athletes Village. I didn't see this one.

What does that mean? He said it was so bad at the village. Oh, yeah. There's no air conditioning, he says. It's hot. Food is bad. Athletes move for this reason. It's not an alibi or an excuse. It's the reality of what perhaps not everyone knows. Okay. I know the background on this.

Well, the guy they put in charge to clean up the river, he also built the village. The poop river? It's poop village, too? The poop river guy. The poop river guy also did poopy hot village. So that guy, I don't know. Maybe he should look for work elsewhere. It's France's secretary of E. coli, that guy? Yeah, they said, you're going to have a condition in the Olympic village, right? Of course I will.

Stinky and hot. Oh, and that place is a Toyota fuck-a-thon. That's where all the athletes get it together. But they also, all the beds are made of cardboard because they don't want them, I guess, to hook up. But the truth is, you need these athletes, even though they're in prime physical condition, they all look like models, but they can't sleep that well. It's not that comfortable. Can we talk about that? I mean, just being a

of any age watching these people walking around like divers and these women gymnasts, everyone, they're just muscles with a head attached. Everything is just perfectly balanced. And they're just like, so you just feel so shrunken down and beat up when you see these people. I know I'm always kind of, I get up to go eat another gallon of ice cream and walk by the mirror two years ago. I could beat the shit out of that dude.

I know. I put on a unitard in front of the mirror and just like pose. I give angles and I say to my wife, could you just adjust the lighting? But that's, you know, that's just breakfast time. I pull a jukebox in my room because it gives you an upslide. No, it's the wheels. That's a jukebox wheels movie. It's got wheels on it. What won't you adjust?

It just sounds like I got to push this rusty old jukebox in. And then it gives you up lighting. But then what does it sound like when you lock the wheels in place? Oh, yeah. So it won't roll. No, you got to lock in the hubs. And then you got to push some fucking lover voice on. Everybody is working for me. That's what my jukebox has.

I love seated dancing because it only can be that. All arms. Yeah, all arms. Hey, man. But still, the Olympics. I admire the homeless people in Paris for not taking that guy's gold medal from him. Whoever else was sleeping on the street that night, they just said, leave him alone. When you have to use your gold medal as a pillow, you're like this.

Anna's a blanket. When you're using your gold medal as a pillow, you maybe should have tried a little harder. Yeah. Well, go to the next story because there's a lot of Olympic Village stories. We got a lot of Olympic Village. This girl, Luanna Aloso, kicked out of Olympic Village. This is inappropriate behavior. Now, this is a, I would say, beautiful swimmer from... Well, that's to my point. Yeah, she's fit. A lot of them just look exactly like models.

She looks gorgeous. And the best thing she could have happen for is this because everyone's curious about her now. And,

She could have said for having sex in Olympic Village, you know, she walked out of the Jamaican bobsled, thought, hey, guys, it's a team effort, you know. But no one says what it is. They just say, hey, inappropriate, which means vague, which really is trashy. I think I know what it was. What was it? There was an outdoor shower and she had bikini bottoms on and sort of like a bra on.

And she would take long showers outside to the point where it was distracting the other athletes. That is not a joke. There is that picture somewhere. Just the story is distracting to me. These long, sudsy, steamy showers publicly. You can find that picture, I bet. She looks cute anyway. And then she... Even sideways. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So... Isn't there a shower one? I saw the shower one online. But anyway, if you can find it. But... What country was she representing? Because I... Paraguay. Was she... Okay, so she was actually a world-class swimmer? She was not world-class because she got smoked. But once she was done, I think what happened was she was... Oh, she got smoked all right. She was defending herself saying, I think she went to Paris Disneyland and took some selfies and they were like, oh, no, no, no.

- There she is. - Okay. - See that green picture? - There she is, click on the shower one. So that was hours a day where people would walk by and they go, are you clean yet?

uh this is her picture we'll put it up on the podcast i mean on the outdoor shower so anyway uh god bless her i wish her all the best and um she's very clean and what's her only fans link i mean honestly if you have this much of an audience and you've ever thought about only fans now's the time and when are you gonna get that crowd again like

But maybe she's very against that. I'm not saying that's what every girl does. You don't have to do porn on OnlyFans. You can also just be a nice person. Do your day. Here's a fit check from Evolve. Okay. What's the next one? What's the next Olympic big story? I like this girl. Who is that? Is that Gabby? Gabby Thomas. Thomas.

I thought she was great. She's a Harvard grad. She just won the Olympic championship in the 200 meter. She looks like a model and she's going to open a children's hospital. So every time they mentioned her, which I get it, they said, well, the Harvard grad is coming out of the block fast. Here's the Harvard grads coming on fast. Harvard grad by a nose. So

It goes to show you that a lot of these athletes just were kind of like us, went to community college for a semester. Was she in the army at all, did you say? I don't think the army was. Someone was. We do have army people, which is great, but she is...

kind of like made out of a factory. She's America's top runner. She's America's top model. She's super cute. A top intellect. She's already put her hat in the ring for 2044 for president. She could be the president this year, by the way. She's already way ahead of the game. The way it's going, yeah. Now, did she keep winning? Because I saw in a couple, but as of press time, I don't know if she's won. She won more. Well, I just know that

She's probably part of the relay team, which isn't... I don't think it's happened yet. 4x100? Yeah. But she won the 200 meter, and she won it in impressive fashion. Like, she was dominant. Now, Dana, here's my big thing about her before we leave this story. Okay. Don't worry about my hat, how fucking cool it is. Okay, look at this. She's wearing a watch, gold watch. That's during her race. I thought... I know sometimes they have...

long hair and shit, which I would think I would shave my head. I mean, I don't know if it drags, I don't know all that stuff, coefficients that you know, but a heavy, when I wear my gold watch, I don't have on to dinner, it hurts my shoulder. So I think if you're running, it has to slow you down. I would just not, I would thin it down. Yeah, I know. I'm kind of surprised because a lot of times it'll be double bracelets, heavy, multiple necklace. Yeah.

a big sort of head thing made of carbon. So yeah, you have to be real, it's very dominant to do that with a giant heavy watch on your hand, but she was dominant. - Yeah, she's like, "Don't make me take this off and then really smoke you." Okay, move on. I always just thought that was an interesting comment by me.

We're going to leave with that with the YouTube shorts. Wait, what's this? Oh, bullshit. Is that your what is this? This is this is amazing. So this guy, Al Michaels, the Al Michaels, probably the most famous sports announcer of the last many decades. Brilliant. He wants to go to the Olympics. They ask him, can you narrate the highlights each evening for us? And he goes, yeah, I'd love to. And then they said, well, guess what? We're

We're going to have an AI do your voice. So every night he sits at home with a nice cold beer. His AI avatar does the highlights, the vocal voiceover. He doesn't have to do anything. He doesn't. They don't show his picture. They just do a voiceover. I believe so. Oh, my God. But do you hear that voice? No, it's AI, Michael's.

Do you believe in miracles? Yes, that's his most famous quote, which is deserving. He's so funny, and he just seems like the coolest guy. He did Monday Night Football with our friend Dennis Miller. He's great, and I think he just embraced the concept of it. I'd like to announce right now, and I know it's awkward. We've been going for a little while, but I am a digital AI copy of Dana Carvey.

You are? Yeah. Dana Carvey is hiking. Dana's hiking right now. It's going to happen. Who can think of our blistering one-liners? What robot could keep up with us? I'll take on AI. Yeah. It's comedians trying to be funny. That's the hardest thing to do. Yeah. If an AI is better than me, immediately I'll get sick.

- Okay, this is more crying, right? - Here's the thing, it's every four years, if you win or you lose, because you don't get a second chance. - It's a big deal. - You and I get a million chances. We go for decades bombing in clubs and theaters, but we go again and again and again. But these people have one shot. If we had one shot, our entire career, every four years, there'd be a standup comedy for the gold medal. - All right, David Spade, now he's gonna attempt his joke. He's picking up the mic.

And now he's laying down the premise. He's saying that he went to Burger King. The judges are looking. The crowd is a small little laugh. Let's look for the turn here. Here comes the punchline. Not the laugh he was looking for, Dana. But it wasn't as big or whoppy as he thought. The gold medal is going to David's face. Oh.

Oh, he really missed it. He said double cheeseburger. He was supposed to say Whopper. Dana Carvey closing with his Ross bro from the 90s. He's coming in hard. Can I finish one time? Oh, my God. But yeah, we're very lucky that we get to bomb and fail so much. But for Olympic athletes, they do have the events between. But the Olympics is very painful and also a pain.

Carvey's joke wins by point. Carvey wins, but judges say it was a steal from David Spade's special, Get Her Done. Get Her Done. That's a special. Take the hit. Take the hit. I like your, yeah. All right, next. That's Larry the Cable Guy. Okay.

There is crying in the Olympics. No crying in baseball. Okay. This is what we're just talking about. This one, I would have bet money on who won and I would have been wrong. Everyone thought Jamaica had won and, and Noah Lyles in the a hundred meter dash just came up like he was behind at 98 meters and it,

Well, this isn't a straight line right here. This is because what has to cross first? Well, they decided in the early days, like 1920s and stuff, they just had anything across the line. So some athletes were wearing like oversized shoes and they just kicked their leg out to win. Or really tall guys, they just throw their hand across the finish line. So they made it so they'd hold a tape.

And if your chest hit it, normally it would wrap around the athlete who won. So that's why it starts. So it's your torso first. So Noah leaned. Jamaica didn't lean in the same fashion. His foot's across first, but not his torso. But I've never heard of this. He lost the race, think of this, by five one thousandths of a second.

I mean, that's not like that. That's like one of that. So. So you're looking at this red pole and it's going across the white line. You need a better angle to see it like this because you. Yeah. Something's poking a direct shot. Think about. Yeah. Gentlemen, I'm sorry. I don't know his name. That took second place by five one thousandths of a second.

walking around the village. How'd you go? Oh, I got silver. That's too bad. Would have been fun to be a champion. I lost by five one thousands. Hey, it doesn't matter, dude. You lost. I don't need to hear any kind of time details. A loss is a loss, bitch. Jesus. I'll hear him in a second. I don't need any godly goop after that. Yeah. You could have been a hundred years. Franklin and Jai, you know that comedian? He's...

He said, could you picture being in the mile race in the Olympics and you're last and you're running along going, wait, am I last? Wait, I trained for four years and I'm last? I didn't have to train at all and I'd still get last. I had a coach that when he was in high school, we had tough coaches. So one would, he'd hear us talking about what we would do in the next season and training. He goes, the cry of the loser was his thing. So this guy-

This guy going like that. Well, I took second, but it was by, hey man, that's the pride of the loser. I don't need details. This is what you're doing. This is what I want you to do. You're a loser. You'll always be a loser. But I was second in the world. Don't want to hear it. Don't want to hear it. You're a winner or you're a loser. There's no such thing as a loser. I'm getting so bored of doing Trump. I'm taking a really, really far. Okay, next one. Let's see.

We're really jump. Okay. This Snoop Dogg is a pop culture phenomenon. This is a rare time he doesn't have his sunglasses on. This guy, everybody loves him. It really is true. He's like, he's the coolest guy

Most effortless personalities wandering around the Olympic Games. This was true when Noah Wiles was doing the 200 meter heats, which we could talk about that in a second. They had it on Snoop. I guess he was sitting with Martha Stewart. So this is what Snoop Dogg is saying while Noah runs down the track. He goes, don't eat, don't eat, don't eat.

Now you go ahead and eat. So he meant pace yourself, pace yourself. Now go for it. Try to win. But he's saying don't eat, don't eat. Now go ahead and eat. Who would say that? I love that guy. I like it.

He's all over the Olympics. He's sort of turned into our Ryan Seacrest because he's at all these events. He's at every big... Well, they got him in outfits. He's dressed as a jockey. He's feeding horses. He's at every event. He's like... Yeah, he is like, where's Snoop? So, but that was a smart thing. So he's doing a good job. And I heard he's getting paid up the ass. That's an odd way to pay someone. I'm glad they pay people.

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Oh, this might be... Dana, I didn't know what this was when I saw a clip. I go... - Wow, weird. - Wait. So look what they do. Groups diving? - All right, let me see the... - Difficulty here of 45.00. So they all jump in the pool. They can't touch the bottom, I don't think. And now they do little tricks. It's like synchronized swimming. - Wow, incredible amplitude. - Incredible athletic. Ooh! This is their speed and passion. Looks like they're being attacked by a shark.

But you know what? Look, they move their heads, they stick their arms, they're all great. They all have great legs. Ooh, wow. One didn't shave her legs.

Please. That's not all she didn't shave. I know. Please tell me they won the gold medal. One point down for a bush. Yeah, look at how good they are. I don't know. And they can't. Look at their feet. They're like on swivels. No, they're upside down in the water, kicking legs. It's like this is never. They're not breathing.

They would have put this in an MGM musical in 1950. Really? Exactly. Too loud. This is amazing. All right, you can turn the sound off. I just want to stare.

They're all so goddamn good. Look at kick, kick, kick. I know, but doesn't it make you want to swim and jump up like they can? I mean, it's just all this physical. Honestly, Dana, you think I'm lying. I put my legs up there and got in that water. You would not tell the difference. I have good legs, carry Underwood legs. People are whispering. I hear it. It's other people's words. Yeah, but would you say they're feminine legs or masculine legs? I don't know. Let's go to the phones. I don't know. I do have...

Probably eight to 10 hairs on my leg. Not that I always had what they called chonkers. Like I, I was like, Oh, you do. I had no upper body when I was running in high school and college and just gigantic legs. I had the legs of a 200 pound man and I hated them. Cause when I, when I would, when I would, I just, in those days you wanted to have lean distance runner legs, but they were just gigantic. Hey, chonkers, you going to lunch?

Yeah. I've got chonkers. So you said Sandler's seen them? Yeah. Sandler's got, I went golfing once and I had short shorts, short shorts on. And Sandler's like, carve your legs. What the fuck? What are you doing? No, but yeah, he's got some chonkers on him too. All right. Next. What else we got? We got a lot of stuff. Maybe not.

Oh, no. This guy with the tick tock. Oh, oh, OK. I think he's the. Mm hmm. He had his nether regions knock the pole off. Now, I had heard this is on purpose. Is this possible?

You could say he did it on purpose, but he couldn't do it like 10 times in a row. This is a pole vaulter who hit his unit private area that made the bar fall off. So you go way over and he came down on it.

If he intentionally did that, I don't know if he could do that every time. That's almost harder than just clearing the pole. Right. I mean, you're trying to get your arms back, everything back. So in a weird way, you're pushing your wiener out because you're getting everything back. And you don't really think about that.

You want to create space. The guy who won it doing like a 25-foot vault, you go into kind of a curl, so the bar is really kind of, you're concave. It's sort of inside your waistband. But you put it this way. If you're pole vaulting, the first row pole vaulting is do not.

Do not let your penis touch the bar on the way down. I'm still doing John Kennedy from last week. I love John Kennedy from last week. Senator. A lot of comments on that. If you wanted to be a hater and you're out at a bar with this guy, you go, oh, here's a guy

that knocked it off his wiener. And all the girls like, ooh. And then you go, yeah. And pole vaulting is such a precise sport that you could be just, you could miss the bar by a quarter inch and you'd still win. So you have at least an eighth of an inch wiener. And he's like, wait, what? Oh, it might be a quarter even to knock that bar off. And everyone's like, huh? But he was seen before he started down the runway with his hands in his pants. Oh, is he slapping it?

- It was just, his hands were in his pants. They have a video of that somewhere. - Waking it up, get a little chub. - Yeah. - I know that trick. - He has a deal with Netflix. He's gonna do a short film with Hulu. He has a small tour of Atlanta. I guess he's playing Tallahassee. - Only fans. I mean, listen, Dana, if you were one of these Olympic athletes, you're gonna blend into the crowd. You're gonna win or lose. And you're gonna go on your way. You've trained for probably 15 years for this.

And then if you're not doing the next Olympics, suddenly you have every day free. What are you doing? So this is the place, worldwide audience, whatever you want to get out there, get the word out. If you want to stuff your pants and knock the pole off and go, hey, I'm the guy with the wiener. You want to hire me for...

whatever let's do it well by the way he was hanging out with the jamaican who who lost by five one thousands and the same people they go what place did you get well i didn't win i oh that's all i need to know no but but i hit my wiener huge win big but i yeah my marble bag man one huge nut

I got over the bar. I got over the bar. But I had a passenger with me called my dick. It's a funny story. I cleared the bar. That's all the time we have. No, no. I cleared it because of my dick. My dick's big. No. No, my dick's big.

I have a partner. There's two of us getting over the bar. It's my unit and me. Now, I call it my spader after David Spade because I am a huge Joe Dirt fan. We had an anaconda situation and they brought out Terminex because my trouser snake took over the Olympics. Well, this guy, bless his heart. Okay.

No, I mean, next time wear a hooter clamp. I've said this before in the podcast. A hooter clamp will clamp it into submission. Right. Sometimes I take a chip clip. I clip it to my balls. That's one way. You can always use a bungee cord. There's other products out there, but hooter clamp gets it done. Long story short, I'm jealous. Okay, next one. As you hear my computer go off.

Oh, this is just a random story. Okay, we're off the Olympics. I guess so. Well, Michael Jordan was in the Olympics. Yeah. His kid was seen snorting something. By the way, this is not a blurry paparazzi picture. My head shots didn't come out this good. And he's snorting something off a little spoon.

Could be baking soda. I don't know. I have no idea. I think Michael Cade was there. And Michael Cade said, well, if you like something to clear your side issues, it's a thing the Brits call snuff. It's just a little powder. It's not anything illicit. It's just British and it's snuff. And if you'd like some bulkish, I could give it to you. So that's my take. So it could be booger sugar. It could be powdered Pepsi. We don't know. It might be...

It's not a great look. I mean, you don't want that picture out there. I mean...

No wonder he's not that hungry. Look at him. He's like, I'm full. Most in the olden days, people, if they were doing something like that, they'd go to the bathroom. But now he's out at a coffee shop with photographers around. So maybe it was kind of a joke. Yeah. I think it's a joke. I think he did it as a joke. Like he's holding up kind of an eyedropper. Yeah. Look at me, paps. That's it. Yeah. I have no idea if this is true or false. It's just, you know, Michael Jordan's like, really? I mean, I probably doesn't get that mad. He's like, come on, guy.

I think knowing that it was just a joke, it's probably Michael had, they both had a good laugh. He goes, now you care that I'm his son. Now you care. Oh, I know. I mean, it took a sad turn, but you know, people are looking for usually negative stories. They're not looking to,

Wait a minute, are you saying that? No, no, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. People do like to take you down a notch. Okay, what is this? Who are these two cuties? Who are these people? Oh, North Korea. North Korea, DPRK. That spells North Korea? Okay.

I think so. The Republic? The Republic of... Okay, so what did they win? Well, I just think they have to win or they might as well not go home. Oh, yeah, you don't want to go back and go... Kim Jong-un is like, oh, a bronze, that's awesome. Blam!

Yeah. Hey, because you did so well, you're going to go camping in a camp. Great. Should I bring my sleeping bag? You won't need that in this camp. Should I bring food and a bathing suit? No, you won't need anything. You check into the camp, but you won't check out. Yeah, it's like the Roach Motel. Yeah, exactly. Okay, next one. All right. There's only one more I'm trying to think of. Okay. I can't remember. It was about...

Oh, these two guys. So this was for the Olympic gold for surfing. This is, these are the two finalists and they go out in the water for a half hour and catch waves. I think the guy in the red only caught one wave. So for 20 minutes, there were no waves. And these two dudes were just talking. And finally they had a recorder. There was just like, I don't know what's up. I mean, they're in the Olympic final, just sitting on their board. It's so risky. Yeah. You don't know when you don't know when the waves are coming. Yeah.

And they were in like Tunisia or Puerto Rico. Where were they? No, it was in Tahiti. Tahiti. And there have been good ways, but sometimes the ocean doesn't cooperate. There was a couple, but there was at least 15 minutes in the middle where they were saying, so I don't know if I'll marry her. I could. I don't know. Yeah. You can just maybe just chill on that. Can I borrow some surf wax? Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think that it's very odd to be in the middle of nowhere. You don't really feel like you're in the Olympics because everyone, it's fun to be in Olympic Village. Everyone's a ripped kid.

90% of them are like chiseled, beautiful men and women. And they're all just hanging out, going from other countries. How fun. And this is just, you're on an Island, but they stay on a boat, which is beautiful. They stay in a yacht and that's the difference. They stay in the most beautiful yacht, like a Bezos type yacht.

And they need waves, unless that French guy who did Pooh River and then messed up the village. I will do it. I will do indoor waves. No, he goes, we'll make that ocean full of poop. Just give me a couple extra weeks. And you say ocean full of poop. That sounds funny. It won't be. Wait till you get in it.

I just made the poop river. I only touched my toe at one time. Okay. - Oh, who is this person? - So, sorry, I can't remember her name. She's lovely. - Is that Sunni? Is that her name? - Could be. - Is she American? - She's an American and she's, you know, Simone Biles, she fell, this other person fell. It was a fall fest. And they said that sometimes it's sort of catching. - Or the beam is wrong, right?

Well, the beam, whoever made the beam is a torture artist because at some point they were making the beam in 1896. And he's like, hey, should make the beam a little wider. They could fall off a lot. And the guy said, no, that's a perfect width. Meanwhile, broken limbs and bruised egos. But they all started falling. And one of the reasons is, is that.

when they're doing the Olympic trials, there's music on and the crowd can go, ooh and ah, there's ambient noise. In Paris, they want it dead quiet. And then their teammates would go, woo, way to go. And then the people in the audience were shushing them, shh.

and you're on the balance beam trying to do three backwards somersaults on a thing an inch wide so that you know you hear the shushing and then you do a nosedive honestly dave you just hear your heartbeat because it's just too dead silent it's too scary it's fun to have a little music and shit like hey let's just blend it in just anything they get out of your head yeah you know this is a prototype for the pommel horse and uh it was too wide it was too painful too

too wide, people failing. So they go, we got to use it somewhere. Let's make the girls walk on it. Terrifying. They always hurt themselves. I mean, Sunni Lee is a girl. Am I right? She's on Olympic team?

She won last time. But anyway, great Olympics this year. There's more to come, but we only got to cover it all the way till now. It's almost over. And thanks for listening and watching. Thanks for listening, watching. And if you want to, we're supposed to say this. It's in our contract. You can smash, smash that subscribe. Yeah. Don't, don't just push it. You have to smash, smash it.

And there are enough comments on YouTube. I think it's nice to read the comments 'cause it does shape us. If I hear something a lot that they do or don't like, I like to hear it. Do you have any constructive criticism you wanna share? Of the own? Oh, about you?

Oh, just real quick. CVS receipt full of notes for you. I can't look at comments because my inner monologue is so much more negative than what I read that I don't even need. We're crazy people. But surprisingly, YouTube, it keeps getting more and more comments and people are saying, honestly, shockingly, for YouTube, nice things. So,

That's nice. Yeah, well, this is fun. Fun to do. And to cover the Olympics in our own little sort of funny way. Yeah, we covered it. This is our job. It was enjoyable. I'll just close with this. I mean, I have loved the Olympics. I loved when it got away from politics and all that, and it was just these athletes, well-trained, dealing with the pressure, crying, hugging, just fantastic.

feel good Olympics, I'm gonna say. - It's a good family thing to do at night. Everyone talks about 'em and I think they're good. It's two weeks too, which is crazy 'cause every, last night I was like, there's a race. And then two minutes later, okay, they're lining up again. I'm like, oh, another one. Oh, there's another one. Drama, drama, drama, race. - And they're handball and badminton and volleyball. And you're just, you're riveted by sports you would never watch.

except for the Olympics. Yeah, you're like, hang on, it's a steeplechase. I don't even know what it is. Actually, a steeplechase, they run and then they jump for no reason. Then they jump in water for no reason. I'm like, what are you running to work? I was trying to mimic, I guess, Ancient Man or something. I thought it was a horse race. You have like three barriers and then you go over the water. But yeah, that's a brutal sport. I am familiar with that, but I saw one-on-one badminton and they were going so fast. It was just funny. Yeah, ping pong, badminton, it's unreal. Yeah, yeah.

But I think overall, good job, Olympics. You did a great job. Good job. I mean, it's not an easy thing to pull off. And guess what? And see you in L.A. in four years. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Furman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.