SUPERFLY #33 - Friday the 13th
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At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. I like when I go to sushi and then the dentist goes, do you floss? I go twice a day. And then meanwhile, they pull a live koi fish out of between my teeth and it's like wiggling. And I'm like, oh, I mean, yesterday, I don't know if I did. And they're like, Nemo. Dana, here we are. Superfly number five trillion. Got lots to go over. It's a super, super, superfly episode.

I just got back. This is so stupid. All I tell you is I got back from the road. I'm about to go out for 10 days. So I'm such a colossal pussy, other people's words, that I have to go to Hartford, Connecticut. I've never been there. Yeah.

Providence? Is that right, Heather? Providence? Rhode Island, which I never heard of. You're going to play there? I mean, I think I went there with you. It's not a road and it's not an island. Disgust. That's true. Can I open with that? I think it was a Wayne's World line. Or Mike did it on, maybe it was Coffee Talk Woman or something. Yeah.

I think so. Coffee talk woman. Coffee talk woman. Rhode Island is not a road or an island. Oh, that's right. Mike had the discuss amongst yourselves. Coffee talk. Coffee talk. So anyway, so I'm going on the road. I have Boise and Seattle this weekend. So-

Here's the story. So I was last weekend. We're in the car and we get some nice elderly old driver. Very nice guy. And we're driving along. Yeah. Where are you headed, Spunky? Okay, go ahead. I'm going to interrupt you a lot today. So it's fine. Me, Bobby, Catherine. These stories sometimes have no ending. So do whatever you want. No, you got an old driver. You're on the road with Bobby and Catherine heading. Yeah. Okay.

And it's just, it sounds mean. Well, whatever. So he's, he's driving perfect for no reason. I'm yelling back to Catherine in the backseat and Bobby, and we're talking like, so when we get there and then I realized he's got his window fully down on the freeway. So it's like, and I think it's so funny that he oblivious to, do you guys want the window open? You want it down? And it's just like, and it's so loud that I text Catherine. I go,

Am I crazy? I can't even hear you. Why is this Windows loud? Instead of easily just saying, can you roll it up? I just want to play it out. And then I say, hey, Catherine, I got some new bits for the next gig. Do you know why all hurricanes are named after women? And she's like, because they cause trouble and they're assholes and everyone hates them. And I'm like, no, no.

I go, this is a fourth grade joke. I go, it's because have you ever heard of a himmocane? I go, but let's go back to your answer. So she was, so we start laughing about that, that she gave such a like deep, horrifying answer. Yeah. And then out of the blue, the driver goes, what happened? Wait, what do you get when a hurricane meets with a tornado? We're like,

Right in the middle of us talking, I go, sure. A lot of people tell us jokes. I go, sure. And he goes, sprout, water sprout, spout, spout. And I go, and then Catherine goes, I don't get it. And then I laugh at how awkward it is. And so I go, I get it. It's funny, Catherine. And then now we both start laughing because it's so dead in the air. And then he goes, sprout.

Again, I go, first of all, you mean spout and you mean water spout. And that doesn't even make sense in the joke. It kind of does, but it's not, it's nothing. It's not on the Richter scale of a joke. It's not registering. So I've heard this before. And then we start laughing and then I can't stop laughing. And then I can't hear him because he's like, water spout. Because the window's still down. So we get there and he comes out and he goes, water.

And I'm like, I don't know, because I have to grease him a little bit. But he goes, yeah, good to meet you. Meanwhile, I'm focused on the 1,000 dots of dandruff on each shoulder, which is fine. We all get that. I'm getting a good vibe about this guy. And I do like him. It's going to be a happy ending, of course. I like him, and I tipped him because I go, you know what?

He's a positive guy. He added a joke. Fucking bomb. But he's a good dude. And then I'm doing this new thing where on the road, I'm tipping somebody way extra just to put something good out in the world instead of my regular Scrooge McDuck 1.3% tips. So now I tip good anyway, I think. And then that's what everyone says.

And then I tip one guy randomly more. I should show that fucking video of the funny guy. Let's do that. Would you want to show it now? No, I don't even have it. Oh, I,

I get locked and loaded. If I'm in Vegas going into the four seasons, like I'm like a magician. Like all my pockets are full of 20s. Oh, yeah. And it usually for me, because I grew up middle class. I'm not a silver spoon, but I'm like, they come at me. Mr. Carver, Mr. Carver. Boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom. And then the luggage, the boom. And I just and I know I like to do it because I know what I'm getting paid for the weekend. It's like, you know, and then it takes me about 10 20s takes me about 200 dollars to get from the car to the room.

Yeah. And back when you go back, literally every time I go, I, Mr. Spade, he picks up my bag. Here's how you work the air conditioner. And there's 20 for that. Here's how the door works. You kind of open it and turn the handle. Okay. There's 20. And then they go down and then I go down there and I, where's my, I go, just load it up. I'm coming down. They're standing a foot from the car. They handed it off to the car guy. Now he's loaded it and he doesn't close it. So I get in the car and I go, Oh, and I get back out and I go,

Is my stuff in there? And he goes, yes, it is. And I go, oh, there's a new guy. So really, I have to dust my bag for prints just to see who touched it, who gets tips. I'm like, money gun. Go to the teller and get four 2020s and just tip your way out. Makes them happy. And I think Trump's not going to tax luggage handlers or is it just waiters and waitresses? Tips in general. I think anybody getting tips.

And if you, and by the way, it used to be, you could almost get away with a 10, 20 years ago. Now it's 20s and 20s are a little wispy. So now hundreds go out more than I'd like, but yeah. I literally had a driver. If he made a good turn, you would go like that.

for a tip to the back. Every good turn, he put his hand back. I'm like, what do you want now? He's like this. You like that shit? Yeah. You like that? We just get, we pass that car safely and then there's another...

But no complaints. Love to tip well. I'm not like Lovitz who digs into his pocket for like 20 minutes. He brings out a marble, a dead frog, and a scrambled up dollar bill. Bazooka Joe comic. This is all I have. Some gum and some silly putty from 1968 with an imprint of some cartoon on it. Here's my headshot. We'll have to have John. We'll have to do...

list all the times we mentioned john and next time we have john on we have a montage of all the times you mentioned give him and i talked to dennis yesterday so he's he wants to come on christ's sake you know don't you have me on a couple jokes we do that he goes i listened to it maybe i jump on for for round two so here's what happened to me i went to the dentist

And I live in the boondocks. And so new dentist. So the dental hygienist is what I call a Montana woman. Incredibly funny, incredibly nice. She's like, well, we're going to dig on down into the molar slot. You got to brush upwards and downwards. And then she's telling me her whole story. She goes,

My second husband was a drunk and cheating a wife beater. And my daddy came to me and said, honey, that's the best you can do. Best I can do.

I didn't talk to my daddy for six months. So she divorced that guy. So then I've got this really smart dentist with these incredibly three-dimensional x-rays. He puts all my teeth up there and it decomposes me. Okay, this one, we're going to have to take out an implant. This is a crown. You see the crack? See the cracks here? See that? That's going to fall out.

He said, I had 40-year-old fillings in there, and they got to go. So I need six crowns. Mercury fillings? Mercury? Yeah, that explains a lot. They don't like mercury ones. Then afterwards, she goes, how'd it go? I go, I need six crowns. Holy shit, that's a lot of crowns. But he does them real good, like. When my husband hit me, he knocked four crowns out. What?

he called me megan markel because i kept losing crowns well she's a dental hygienist she said when she was in high school the dentist said to her you're gonna be wearing he said to me you're gonna be wearing dentures by the time you're 40 i said fuck that and i started flossing and brushing and next thing you know i got pearlies want to see them then she smiled at me but she was so cool

Well, do you floss? This is a real question. Yeah, we want to educate our audience, not jokes all the time. Dental hygiene. Do you floss? Absolutely. And I brush a lot. And do you lie about how much you floss when they ask? No. Here's my question for you.

Okay. So you go out, you know, and you have a big, big, you know, Monte Cristo sandwich and fries. And so you've got a lot of shit in your mouth. Do you enjoy that feeling? Or would you rather kind of clean, clean that crap out? Do you like to walk around with dirty teeth? Because I've noticed some of the dinners we're at not looking good. There's lots going on. I like when I go to sushi and then I, the dentist goes,

do you floss like twice a day? And then they, meanwhile, they pull a live koi fish out of between my teeth and it's like wiggling. And I'm like, oh, I mean, yesterday, I don't know if I did. And they're like, Nemo, that's my Rolling Stone cover. Look it up. Oh yeah. You're like this. Look it up. Fish.

The thing is, is first the dental hygienist butters you up. Like, these look pretty good. I got to be honest with you. It looks very nice. And then very slowly but surely. But I skip that tooth too sometimes. You got to get down at the right angle and really grind against the tooth. And so she taught me. But my dental hygienist does it. They come in. My real dentist, who cashes the big checks,

I don't see her. I walk in and then the dental hygienist is like, like, yo, you waited seven months, not six. We got to get in there. You know, so she's in there with like a pitchfork and it's all the noisy scraping. And then after, yeah, after an hour 10, I'm all done. And then my dentist walks in with a mask on. You good? Fist bump. See you later. And 900 bucks. I'm like,

And then you go in the Zoom room for your pearly whites, right? You go in and get your teeth whitened with what they call a Zoom thing. No, I haven't done that. But I do need to. And they always say, you need x-rays. They say it no matter what.

I know. And I just do a love it. I go, you need an X-ray. They're like, I beg your pardon? Oh, quickly, before we get to the regular stuff and the headlines, this is kind of a headline because Heather was telling me about the space, people that are stuck. It is odd they're stuck in space. That makes me scared. There's a couple layers to it. Dana, you know, they shot some astronauts up for a fucking three-day Memorial Day weekend. They're just supposed to beep, bop, boop, hey, touch Mars, come back, whatever. I don't know what they're supposed to do.

First of all, going to space sounds like a drag. Second of all, you're going with someone, maybe, you know, like it's someone like office worker, basically, and you don't know if you get along. Just two of them. Now, and they can't get back. So worst case scenario, can't get back, right? And they go, maybe next year. Next year. Yes. Okay. For SpaceX to get a rescue ship ready to go. And aside from the fact that they have no food, and I hear they're sending food to them, and you think, well, if the Uber Eats guy is like knocking on the side and you're like,

What if we just ran back with you? He's like, no, no, I just dropped the food. So I guess they're getting food and Tang somehow. Well, with the space station could run out of food. Wouldn't they have like a two year supply of freeze dried? I guess, but it's like Gilligan's Island. This is supposed to be like a three hour tour. And then, and then they heard,

Monster noises. That's really where it gets. And then it found out that the male astronaut was making scary noises to scare the female astronaut. No, is that true? No, I made that up, but it sounded funny. Oh, Heather was about to get debunked. But here is the deal. And if Heather doesn't know this, the Boeing Starliner, they didn't want humans on it, but they did it remotely and it made it back to Earth.

but they didn't want to take the chance it would blow up with the people on it, which I don't blame them. So their Boeing Starliner went back to Earth. Now they're truly stranded until Elon Musk. Elon Musk is going to drive. Elon will save the day. But he'll actually be on the SpaceX to greet them and bring them back down.

Here we come. What we're doing is we're really going to rescue the astronauts. I don't think you understand, Don. They're also saying they want volunteers to go on a one-way trip to Mars. I'm like, pass. That's a hard pass. Accept. You want to go. You have too much going on. Well, look, he put a Tesla in space. You know that, right?

And what he didn't tell you is that two people who starred on, I think F troop actually drove that Tesla to Mars and are now on Mars. Please don't say a show that old, please. I was trying to think that they would be old. They're like 98. So like, fuck it. Let me go to the Mars. I don't give a shit.

Yeah, I mean, you have to have almost zilch going on. You can't just go to Mars and be like, I can't even brag that I went to Mars because there's no one to talk to. You can't do anything. There's shitty Wi-Fi. That's true. Okay, I agree with you. There's like one Banana Republic. There's almost nothing going on. There's nothing bumping, nothing popping. Old Navy closed last year on Mars. There's maybe one strip mall. They're very, they're not...

They're not up to date. And it's full of Martians. Yeah, and Martians are not, not to be mean, but there's, all the Martians are eating all the cats and dogs and ducks on Mars. Glad to give you a nice- Topical. Hey, okay, let's talk about, let's talk about Taylor Swift first, how she, she co-signed Kamala,

She just won the election. I just don't know. I mean, I know she has 238 million followers. It's a very tight election. She's so far as of this morning, she's got 337,000 Swifties to go on vote.gov. So it would be interesting. Not only is she the biggest entertainer on the planet,

that she really could she turn the election i know that yeah don rickles endorsed nixon and he won so all right yeah that's her her statement um just that's fine um trying to read what she's saying oh yeah oh i told you that ai thing was stupid putting her

I don't know who put that out there. Some would be funny, but it was dumb. Yeah, those things. Everything is like, is it true? Is it true? Oh, I didn't know she wrote so much. I just think it's kind of interesting that she is...

such a huge presence globally that maybe she will make the difference in the election that's interesting i think she won it for him for her for her because unless selena gomez comes out and says the opposite and cancels out all their instagram people because they yeah if selena comes out and endorses the battle then it'll be a dead heat and then if uh you know ludacris comes out and cos he has a lot

I'm just trying to come up with an abstract name you wouldn't expect. Dana, you don't have a chart right there, do you, on your wall? I know my influencers pretty darn well. I think if David Portnoy wrote in Bobby Skinner or Portney, you know, the guy who rates pizza. Chicken fry. Yeah. They get involved. I love that guy. If you haven't seen him do this, folks.

watch on YouTube. He goes to a pizza place. He comes on this out on the sidewalk. He takes a bite of the pizza. It's basically basic cheese pizza. He choose it and thinks for a second. And he's trying to give it something between one and 10, but he goes into the decibels. He goes, he choose a couple of times. It goes, I'm going,

I'm going 9.2 on this one. You know, it's like, how does he, how does he know it's not an 8.8? The worst is if he goes 6.3 and the guy behind him just goes, well, let's fold up shop now. He said 5.2 and then the guy ran out of bakes and pizzas with the pizza cutter. Hey, I caught you up with the pizza cutter. And he wasn't Italian.

All right. All right. Let's go to the first story. Let's go. Oh, wait, let's talk about the debate. We didn't talk about the debate. The debate. Well, the only thing I can say is that Kamala did a good job. It was in the media that she was going to try to bait him.

and get him to go down a rabbit hole. She really debated it. I assume he was aware of it, but she comes out with, your rally, say to Donald Trump, your rallies, people are leaving, they're bored, they're not that big. And then he's like a bear trapped. He's like, my...

My rally, excuse me, excuse me. We're supposed to debate the inflation, the border, the world issues. And we spent about 20 minutes. We got the greatest rallies and the biggest crowds you can see. You can't believe how big they are. Nobody leaves. Guess what? Nobody leaves because they love it. They're doing it and look at it and think about it. It's what we're doing. So that was a good on her. It was a good tactic.

I know. Five minutes later, they're like, what do you think? He's like, I just have to talk to this fucking bitch again about the rallies because not one person has ever left. And they're like, please, sir, just let's just talk about the issues. I know she shouldn't even be allowed to say that. 20,000, 25, 30,000 people, more people than you could ever believe. And many people are talking about it. Let me tell you, if you look at it, you see it, that no one's.

ever had a rally like I have. Yeah, she was smart. They go, Kamala, what's going on with the border? Why is it such a disaster? She goes, well, this guy's 4'10". He can't see over the border. Well, he's like, excuse me, I'm not 4'10". If you can clearly... And then he goes crazy. Excuse me, I'm bigged up here and I'm bigged down there and I'm big everywhere. Yeah, he goes...

I wear a size 12. I mean, she just kept painting him. Yeah. He kept going. Not literally, but that part of the debate, we're coming at this neutrally, independently.

Just saying that was an observation that was funny. Who cares? And what about, oh yeah, let's show the video of, I guess, the president, Joe Biden, who's just meandering around the country. He's still the president. Where in the world is Joe Biden? He's still the president of the United States. Oh my God. So he's out somewhere.

And then he's having fun with the gang. He's at a fire station and someone hands him a Trump hat. God, did he get pranked? And he put it on, but he knew it was a Trump hat. Yeah. Did he? Why would he do that? Yeah. I think he said, because we should come together, but he knew it. But the main thing is, look how happy he is. I don't think. Show the video. Do we have the video? Yeah.

Yeah, he's in senior ditch week. Yeah, it's June 10th to him. Okay, here's the exchange. He's got senioritis. The full exchange buying a sure all autograph, a hat, the man. You remember my name? You remember your name? He really said that? I don't remember my name. I'm slow. You're an old fart. Yeah, I'm an old guy. Yeah, you would know a lot about that.

I guess this is real. I need the Trump hat. Put it on. Put the hat on. The man goes, I'm proud of you now. Is that real that he said to him? Here it is. Presidential seal. You remember your name?

I don't remember my name, I'm slow. Here, give me that hot dog, I'll sign it. Yeah, I know man, I'm an old guy. And you're no perfect. I know you wouldn't know about that. What? I'm being old. Oh, I know. All right, I'm a young timer. Look, take your time with that autograph. It reminds me of the guys I grew up with. There was always one in the neighborhood. Well, I'm the only one. This isn't really Laurel and Hardy here. I need that hat.

Okay, so... Put it on. Put it on. God, he's killing. Why would he put it on? Even as a joke, it's bananas. He just thought it was the funniest thing in the world, and now they're best friends. His own guy almost shot him.

He's got to get off the stage.

Fucking shit. That was his finest moment in his presidency. I thought it was. It took him 32 minutes to sign one hand. I know. Let me get it on. He's doing jokes. He's like this. I'm kind of slow. Is he in space? Guess what? You got the pen. Yeah, he was. Listen, I don't even know if he's. He's not a headliner. I don't even know if he's a middle Dana.

I would just say he seemed likable, affable, on point. You're so positive. Well, I just think it's ironic that he's about to get scooched out, you know? Oh, he got scooched already. Oh, yeah. He barely came up at the debate. They're like, who was that one guy that used to be president? She's like, I know his name.

Oh, he's no, he's still president. Everyone's like, is he? And everyone asks around. Moderator? Is it? He is. Yeah. I was on debated the bill with Fig Newton. Fig Newton. Fig Newton. Who's Fig Newton? He's the president of California. Dumb shit. Yeah. With Fig Newton. And then I closed the deal with Lorna Doon. Lorna Doon and Fig Newton. I think those are. And Laura Scudder. Snack treats. Snack treats.

And I'm a Senator Fritos, Senator Frito, who said these are dog Nabisco. And the guy in the crowd said, you're not the crispiest chip in the bag, are you? Yeah. Well, he did a great job. That's our summary. I try to be positive with everybody. You know, Trump got the lines, the memorable one, but the one he said to go about Biden, he goes,

Hey, here's a secret for you. He hates her. That was such out of the blue. I was like, what? That was entertaining. Here's a secret. He hates her. He hates her very much. And if you look at it, you think about it, he hates it like you wouldn't believe. But guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Kamala didn't respond to that. So smart. Didn't say, no, we're friends. She didn't go, he likes me. I have a great relationship with Joey. That's crazy. Well,

She's like, I hate him worse. They can't be BFFs anymore after that whole thing went down. What went down? I was out of the country for a bit. They got rid of him and then she's the president now. But you know,

He doesn't know. But by the way, he's still the president for another half a year, whatever. So till. Absolutely. He's the president of these here United States. So I'm just watching the wheels go round and round. I really like to watch them roll. You know, people say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing, but you know, it's a good way to wrap it up. They don't know that. I know that. Watching the wheels, John Lennon, our crowd. We've, we just got the test back there between six and eight years old.

Apparently, when they sang We Don't Need Another Hero, they weren't exactly right. We Do Need Another Hero. Hero Bread is a new sponsor, and they sent us some Hero Bread, which, you know, with their Labor Day grilling... Mm-hmm. Dana, I know you get grilled when you come home at night, but...

Labor Day grilling is great. Outdoor entertaining. Bread and buns are essential. We all know this when you've got hot dogs and hamburgers. Yeah, and sandwiches. And just because, David...

It's summer. It doesn't mean you have to cut out all carb-heavy foods you love. No, listen, Hero Bread reinvented bread. They get it. It's fluffy. It tastes good. No net carbs, zero grams of sugar, fewer calories, plus they sprinkle a little protein and fiber. And now they have melt-in-your-mouth Hawaiian rolls. I was addicted to Hawaiian rolls growing up. Guilt-free summer sliders you can make.

It tastes great. I mean, Hawaiian rolls kind of have a specific taste and they nailed it. It threw me back to being 12. I'm literally getting hungry reading this ad for the first time. See, because you can tell. They're going to send you some and you're going to love it. Listen, they have seeded bread also because you're always looking for something. If you're going to eat bread, you go, what's a better way to do it so it's not just...

bad for you in quotes, not really bad for you, but you know. Right. They solve that problem. You get a little fiber, you get less sugar, more protein. So now the guilt is gone. Put it in a picnic, take it out, French toast, whatever you do. I usually just do toast, toast, maybe throw a little avo on it, avocado. Sounds like a blast. Yeah, it's so fun. Actually, we didn't even miss you. It was just me and the bread.

Pocket Hero Bread for a picnic lunch. Count me in. Yeah, listen. Delicious, flavorful. You're craving it. I'm craving it. I have it. I did not split it with you. I will next time. Keep the carbs out of summer without compromising flavor with Hero Bread. Get 10% off your order at Hero...

And use code superfly at checkout. That's superfly at H-E-R-O dot C-O. All right. I'm going to tell you something about a LinkedIn, Danny, which you probably already know. But, you know, when you're hiring for a small business, you want to find quality professionals or write for the role. That's why you have to check out LinkedIn jobs. Now, when I was getting a job at Bullocks, which is a clothing store in Arizona, they said I had the best meeting and the worst performance. So, yeah.

They would have weeded me out here at LinkedIn Jobs because they have the tools to find the right professionals for your team faster and for free.

That's exactly right. I mean, it is very difficult to know who you're hiring and comprehensively to get them vetted by LinkedIn gives you takes, you know, takes away the hassle of finding new people. I mean, LinkedIn isn't just a job board, David. LinkedIn helps you hire professionals you can't find anywhere else. Even those who aren't actively searching for a new job, but might be open to the perfect role. Do you understand?

Yeah. I mean, listen, I feel like I get it. In a given month, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit the other leading job sites. So if you're not looking at LinkedIn, you're probably looking in the wrong place.

Well said. On LinkedIn, 86% of small businesses get a qualified candidate within 24 hours. Hire professionals like a professional on LinkedIn. 86%. That's a good percentage. Who has the time? Dana, you're a small business. You're out there trying to just run a show and you can't just stop everything and try to interview and make calls and bring people. You just call LinkedIn.

It's easy. Bing, bang, boom, beep, bop, boop. Quicker. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates. That's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free. Terms and conditions, of course, apply.

How about let's get some headlines. Okay, these two beauties and their son that no one knew they had a kid, the guy in the corner, they've already had a child. Dude, that guy's the funniest one in the picture. Look at how coiffed he is. Is that a Secret Service guy, the undercover or something? I don't know. He seems like such a Brooklyn kid. You know, it seems like that...

Kelsey could just pick him up and use him as a puppet or a dummy. First question is, Dana, do you have this outfit? Yes. Would you wear it? Well, that's just called a checkerbox dress. It's all Gucci. But I like when, because when these women date these guys, they immediately, it's a project. So she's obviously got him dressed, you know, he's an athlete. This guy? Yes, he's an athlete for you.

I don't think he's an athlete dressing like that. Is that what you call a bucket hat? I guess. Is he wearing a bucket hat? You got to be. You got to be a stud. You got to be six, six, two 80 all muscle to be a to wear a bucket hat carried off. Brad Pitt is one. I will tell you one person that that reminded me of that wore a hat like that. Yeah, it was. Let me see if we can pull it up. Yeah. Yeah.

Remembering grownups. That's Kevin James, ladies and gentlemen. That's the first bucket hat. And when we did this scene, I didn't know he was doing that. We were walking into whatever the scene was, and I thought he was goofing around with this. And then they said action. I'm like, he didn't take it off. That's the thing. It's always- It turns out to be like the funniest thing. Yeah. Yeah. And Chris Rock-

Sends me Halloween costumes where they all dress like us, the five of us. It's like a good group thing. Someone always gets to wear the bucket hat and that's the most distinguishable. Oh, now I'm going to cry. It's very funny when you do a movie and...

And it's a compliment if it turns into a Halloween costume. You know, there's definitely Wayne's World out there. There's Joderts. There's llamas from the Emperor's New Groove. So when you see a character you did from something, that's really fun. So it was fun to see this, even though we're getting away from the original picture. But okay. All right, move on. Didn't they put on heavy PDA at that game and it was like a problem? Taylor Swift and her boy toy. Oh, at the game? Yeah.

That's a funny joke. Oh, here they are again. This is giving off-duty line cook in his 20-year-old hostess girlfriend. What does that mean? That means he looks like a line cook leaving work with his hostess girlfriend. It's funny.

Oh, I see. Well, yeah, if you're dressing funky like that, yeah, he's got the striped pants, a sleeveless shirt. Yeah, that's, you know. But she's always to the nines, right? With boots and stockings and jewelry and big lipstick. I mean, I shouldn't comment on this because I don't know anything, but yeah, I would think she used to always dress great. And I like that the stupid comment wastes time by saying, we're pretending she looks 20. This is a joke, and she does kind of look 20.

And it's funny for the joke. I don't know if we should actually get online and give that dumb comment. Yeah. Fucking joke killer. Like, look, really? I've heard she's not 20. I just Google it. She's higher. I've been 35 before. And if you stay out of the sun, use moisturizer. You can pretty much look very, very young.

45's a little different. We'll see her in 10 years. No, listen to this bullshit. Okay, I want to hear. I went to Def Leppard Journey. Joe Elliott. We went over this. We went over it. Now, when I went to buy my two $22 beers, I got fucking carded. I didn't tell you this. I got carded, Dana. My cherubic face. And I go like this. The funniest part was he goes, ID? And I go, give you ID? To buy the beer? Okay. Okay.

Then I go like this. And he goes like this. Okay. You don't go, oh, you're fucking way older than. He just goes, just make sure it's matching up. But was it legit? Because I had a legit one at 53. I think it was legit because he didn't say anything about me. He didn't card other people around you. I was the only one. He wasn't like, we have to card you? It was empty. So I walked up and then he goes, I go two beers and he goes, ID. And he held him back and I go.

But he wasn't being like jokey. But he literally was kind of saying that you, it's a flattering that you might, you might be 20. Maybe I was 20. Yeah. Maybe you were 20. But I think it was more, we have to card everyone. Yeah. Well, if you wear a turtleneck, clean shaven with a baseball cap, give a man goal and say, I'd like some bazooka Joe gum and a quarter vodka. Yeah. You know. And some rubber rubbers. Yeah.

Did you ever buy condoms as a teenager?

Yeah, but I'd always mix it in. You never used them, right? Give me a comb, a yo-yo, some magnums, and maybe a Slurpee. Yeah, I would like a half of a cow and the largest condoms you make. So I would go in and go, so the XXXL extra large, that's the biggest? There's nothing else in the back that's bigger? No, sir, that is the biggest one we make. Nothing in the back. Really? Really?

There's nothing bigger. This is absolutely the biggest. I mean, it was so frustrating. I know. The worst is I'd get the biggest, biggest, and then...

to show off but then it was embarrassing when the girls are and i have to tie it off with a bungee cord oh you're going back to the grumpy old man from 19 that's a joke that you wrote for my character in my day we didn't have thin latex condoms you got a what was it a bear skin you got a bear skin and you tied it off with a bungee cord and we used the same one

Over and over again. That killed on Saturday Night Live. Wash it once a year in the crick. Mm-hmm. I want to be a grumpy old man. You are. Next one. Oh. Oh, Shannon Sharp had a... I don't know what to say about this, but Shannon Sharp, I guess, this happened this morning. He had a sex tape. Live? He live streamed it. And then he was... And then he was hacked? Ski-up. Ski-up. Ski-up Bayless. They're like, are you with Ski-up Bayless right now? Ski-up.

I don't know. No, no, no. Skip. Yeah. I guess he was having SCX and then, um, but how are you on live stream? Well, first of all, how often does he have sex on camera? Like, is it eight out of 10, nine out of 10? Second of all, how long, how many times has he live streamed it?

Was he surprised? He's clearly embarrassed. I think it's an accident because he said it was hacked. It's a accident, in quotes. By the way, AI is saving everybody because you can say UFOs are AI. You can say anything's AI now. So you can say AI took over my phone. That sounds like me. It's not. And then also, but at least he admitted it. I mean, who cares? At a certain point, this isn't going to hurt him.

It's going to make him sound cool or something, right? Well, and once again, is the whole thing made up? Have our people reached out to Shannon Sharpe's people? No, we don't have people. I'm not even sure you're here on the show with me. Could be a digital copy. You know that. Come on, you know that. Come on. It's not possible. Guess what? It's not really you. Because I know it could be you. I know it looks like you look too good to be you.

That's better. You got out of it. Next joke, please. Now, when you... Oh, boy. This is a cute one. We do a couple feel good. This girl plays charades and she's very good at it. Watch. The story is animals. Ready? Go. Flamingo. Go. Horse. Spider.

narwhal pelican whale is there anything wrong there's no wrong guesses seahorse seahorse walrus damn i love how happy the bear no no wait you made that up

- This kid is hysterical. First of all, they got 10 out of 10. That was a record. - There is, I used to do a bit on the power of the cuteness of like a two year old or a three year old. They're like insanely innocent, adorable. I think she was maybe two and a half. - No, probably higher. What do you think? - I mean, there is an age where a kid will go like this. You can't see me. Can you see me? - Everything is adorable. - Everything is crazy adorable. Two to four. Yeah.

I lost that about three years ago. My huge cuteness factor. Remember when you first got on SNL and I was in the office and you came in, Mr. Carvey, can I come in? And I just sort of said, come here, you're a new cast member. I lifted you up, put you on my lap, and I said, how are you doing, buddy? And then it got weird because I got a boner. Ha ha ha!

Anything that ends with boner is a good one. And then I hear Dennis Miller looking through the door going, Christ, Carvey, I should have knocked first. Christ, making a Twillichrist dummy. This is still working. Christ, Carve.

Dennis used to go, can you slide a couple fucking update jokes under my desk? Make yourself useful. You got shut out at read-through. You got time on your hands. It's like, God damn. There's no one like Dennis. No escaping. No escaping the beating. So funny. But he was right. I got to write update jokes. I did try. It's just too hard to write for Dennis. He's too good. He writes his own jokes better. Dennis is a joke machine. Okay, go ahead. Let me see if I messed everything up.

Okay, what is this? Okay, this is, oh, I just have a question. When you're trying to park in the real world, this is just a random stupid one. This is a social study. Are you allowed to save spaces? Okay, play it. Because see this guy? He's laying down in a space and this guy wants to park. Look at, he's pushing him. He's bumping into him. I don't know if I need the guy laughing on the camera, but.

So he's sitting in a space to save it for his friend. Right, for someone circling the neighborhood and he's saving it. That's a weird one where I don't know where the jurisdiction and the laws lie. That's where people just take over and go, this is just sort of a street thing. If I stand here, you can't park here. I'm waiting for my friend to park here. That's so odd. That'll get you a beat down. I think first person there wins. I don't know if that, I don't know if I would do that, you know?

Because it's like. You wouldn't lay on a car and let it back over you? That part I kind of like. That's a little sexy in a weird way. I don't even, I can't explain why, but the pushback and he's like. But no, I'm saying I wouldn't do it. Would John Lovitz do it? We golfed yesterday and he goes, and I was out, I was out by the pro shop in the back and he came up.

And he goes, there you are. He goes, I was going to pay this time. And I go, oh, I didn't pay. Go ahead. And he goes, how about I buy lunch? Well, he said, well, that's not the right answer.

No, no, I haven't paid. The right answer is you pay. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I came out to say this. I came late, so you would have paid. That's not the correct answer. No, and then I bought actually a pullover, and he goes, I'll buy you a hat if you want. I go, just buy this. No, a hat. And I go, John, don't even say it. Like, I don't want a hat. I want this. You want to buy this?

No, I'll be on the course. Then he runs out. Did you golf much or did you just sort of, he does walk a little. I just laugh at him. He's funny. Yeah. Oh, he's funny the way he walks. Yeah. No, he's- He gets stuck in the sand trap and all the weeds. He's like, help. Help. I'm trapped and I can't get out of the trap. By the way, the golf pro, he hates me because he saw this and he goes, you told a story and it's not even close to being true. I go, I got about 20% of it right. That's not enough.

So it is enough because I tell the funny version. So he is losing balls. He plays good, but he lost two on one hole. And so the pro comes by and he talks to us for a while and he thinks he's like a PA on a movie and he goes, hey, can you go, if you find those two balls in the rough, I'll tip you or something. And he goes, no, no.

I'm okay. And he goes, I'll give you one if you find, I'm like, he's the golf pro of the place. He's just coming out to chat, but he thought he was like a worker that was going to get excited to make three bucks or something. And he goes, yeah, if you clean off my driver, I'll give you a $5 bill. Yeah. And then the guy, he's nationally ranked. Yeah. And he's just trying to bullshit him.

Then he goes, hey, John, can I get you a cheeseburger when I go back in? And he goes, no, I'm fine. I just ate. And I go, he's joking, John. He doesn't want to be your bitch. Intern, yeah. Anyway, go ahead. Next story. Well, the holiday season is almost here. Are you ready to celebrate? There's still time to create space for overnight guests with all the comforts of home, even the surprise ones.

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Ah, that's what we're here to talk about. We're going to talk about it. Go start talking about it, David. I am right now. Watch this. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. You know what I mean? You can stream Max with ads. That's up to $120 value. Included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

Wow. Unlimited zero cost delivery fees on eligible orders. Members only exclusive offers or menu items. Yeah. You get, you get a lot of benefits when you do your DoorDash pass annual plan. Yeah. By the way, what's your dream night in? What would you do? Um, I would say I would probably watch the Gilded Age on Max. It's new season with my wife.

And I would have a soda or a light beer and get a cheese pizza. Yeah. Okay. So I would watch. I was doing this last night watching The Penguin. And that's on Max. And when I order Dash Pass, Door Dash, I get, yeah, pizza's a favorite. And I get some diet drinks, no names.

And I get basically food that to stuff myself, maybe a burrito also. Yeah. Um, it's a guilty pleasure. It's a guilty pleasure. I mean, you could watch, um, the house of dragon and we're dash past order some sauteed dragon. Right. Yeah. That was a joke. Usually when you're in, that is a good time to order in. And so you can pair up stuff with your shows if that's fun. Uh,

There's no penguins out there to eat, but there's birds and chickens. Sign up for Dash Pass annual plan and get Max included at no extra cost. It's your door to more terms and conditions apply. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. Stream Max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. Terms apply. See doordash.com slash max for details.

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You got to head over to BlueNile.com, BlueNile.com, which you can do, David. I don't know if you know this. You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you will not find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile's the original online jeweler since 1999. Yeah.

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Oh, I have a show idea, Dana, that we can produce. It's either Living with Lovitz. We'll check the crowd here. That's not bad, right, Heather? You guys, Heather? Living with Lovitz or Living La Vida Lovitz. It's funny, right? We just watch him doing this all day. How about John Lovitz? It took one day to know him and 20 years to believe it.

One day to meet him and 20 to get rid of him. I talked to him right before I came on this show. What'd you say? Oh, how about love it or leave it? Like that was his dating show. I think that was his dating show. Yeah. Oh, he does have it. That has Heather's idea. Oh, Heather's pushing back. Love it or leave it. Here we go. Okay. This is just a sickening story of,

I didn't know they had this. I knew the hot dog eating. How about grotesque pickle juice? Okay. Go ahead. Sick. Sick. That's what are you really winning in life with that?

I love, you know, humans used to get up at 4 a.m. and work for 15 hours, sing Kumbaya, get a shot of whiskey, go back to bed. Now humans have a lot of downtime. So someone somewhere said, let's do a pickle juice swallowing competition. I love it. Did you ever go over Niagara Falls in a barrel? There's rumors that you did. No, I did not. I've been in Niagara Falls and did a gig.

I watched the falls. Um, it doesn't always work out for those guys, right? What would be, if you had a thing, what you could eat the fastest or drink the fastest, what would be the most pleasant thing that you think you would want to, you have five seconds. Um,

I have five seconds to eat it? To answer this question. Oh. Edamame. I eat edamame pretty fast. But I guess, I mean, what do you not have to chew? Pickle juice is good because they didn't say that he also won the farting contest right after. Right. And the next door is the load in your pants booth.

Where you could win a prize. Yeah, what a fun carnival. I like there's a crowd there going, oh, I can't wait to wait in line to see the one second event. Go to the Jackoff tent and see an amazing show. Excuse me? The Fully Loaded Diaper Symposium. It's a horrible, horrible carnival. That's my only point. Okay, that's it. All these horrible things. Freak shows. Okay, next one.

Maybe I'm giving you duds, Dana. Oh, this is... Or I'm a dud. No, I'm a dud. Japanese game show. They're always funny. This one, she has to serve dinner in a tilted room. What a dumb idea. It's so funny. Here she comes. This looks like an SNL sketch.

It's so dumb. So that's a game show? Yeah. If she can do it, she wins. But of course she botches everything.

Utterly ridiculously false. Well, yeah. It looks like a fake fall, but it's still funny. The language just sounded cool. Makes it funnier. Don't make me do it. Don't do Japanese. Oh, here we go. No, I'm going to do a French man. French man in an earthquake. Okay, everybody. Because we had an earthquake today. Yeah. Yeah.

Now I'm going Japanese, sorry.

I can't believe it. I went into a Japanese accent when I was doing a French accent. I like the French guy. Where is he, though? Is he just in his office or he's like in a meeting? Yeah, it's just because there's no earthquake in France. He's on a Zoom meeting. Oh, yeah. Also. There we go. He sounds kind of like the Japanese guy. Ha ha.

They both have a similar reaction. Well, everyone's screaming sounds the same. Yeah. That Quaker this morning, it was like my house got hit by a bus. It was like, it kind of shook me off my hinges for a second. Then it was like, they said it was a 5-1. That's actually substantial. Yes. In Malibu.

I was at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas and there was a big earthquake in Vegas. That got my attention. Is that when you go like this and you're in a high building? Yeah, it's just shaking. And I thought to myself, what are the odds of this happening? In Vegas? And you can bet that. Mm-hmm.

People like to watch me preening on here and looking at my hair. People love you while you preen. They love it. They love the preening of the spade. You should have a rap album with all these ladies next to Rolls Royce and you in a fur coat. It's called Embarrassment of Bitches. All right. Do we have any more? Show us more. The crowd is like clamoring. We're actually gaining followers as we talk. Oh, I laugh at this because this is for the theater majors with the pushy teacher. Okay. I'll just show you what happens. Okay.

That time our teacher wouldn't get off the stage at our sixth grade musical. Sixth grade. Nice voice. She just stops. Her teacher took over. What an asshole. Wow. I'm like, what the fuck in the corner? Get off the stage. She keeps going.

They're unionizing and revolting. You see him walking down the steps like, what are we doing here? I know. So classically funny. Yes. That's just, that's right out of some Will Ferrell movie or something. Or David Spade movie. Yeah. Yeah.

There are people who just love, my sister who's visiting with me, just loves karaoke, loves the stage. She's like, literally like Lucille Ball. Like she just loves performing. So that teacher got into teaching and then just couldn't help herself. Stole the focus from that cute little sixth grader that had a good voice. Yeah. She sang one line and she went,

What are we doing? And then she took them. Yeah. And she said fudge it. She didn't sing duet. She just said fudge it and walked away. You know what kind of made me miss Karen Carpenter? Because that song is sort of. I love her so much. Yeah. Okay, Dana. Ready? Do you know that Karen Carpenter is one of the best drummers that ever lived? I heard this. Like a genius level. All right. Here we go. We didn't even talk about that goddamn girl on Dancing with the Stars. It's even funnier.

The pommel horse guy got on, the kind of supposedly nerd that you remember. Oh, that guy. Yeah, yeah. Great that he's on. But then that criminal, Anna Delvey. Anna Delvey. Yeah. So she gets on and she's wearing a fucking ankle monitor. I know it gets them a lot of attention, but is that what you want your kids watching? Be a criminal and it'll pay off. And it paid off big. She had to write a book. They did a movie about her. Because she...

She ripped off everyone. Everyone's like... Guess what? You guys... Well, guess what? Here's the deal. And by the way, the woman who was breakdancing the Olympics and came out with sort of this really nerdy outfit, she's number one in the world. I heard that. I took a picture of that. I thought that was so great. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Number one breakdancer in the world. So it shows you that, you know, you never know. So wearing an ankle bracelet... An ankle bracelet? No, an actual...

device on Dancing with the Stars? Yeah, she's wearing an ankle bracelet. For real, an ankle bracelet. And Ray Gunn, I don't know if she's in any sort of trouble with the police, but she should not accept that because she got so much hate over the fact that

Her guy she was with is on the board. They got the picker, whatever the story was. Of course, I have no facts. Well, I read I read about the judge who sends that you will be under house arrest for six months and you will wear a monitoring device on your ankle. And this court further rules that in case you are a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, we will give you permission to leave your premise. How did she get out?

Well, that was part of the plea deal. Your honor, my client would like to be able to go on Dancing with the Stars. And be famous. As long as she wears the device that will track her. As punishment, my client would like to also be super famous and make money as punishment. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah, I know. All right, is that it? Or do we have any more? What did you have to say, Dana? You go ahead. Nothing much, really. You had some bullshit you wanted to say. Mm-hmm.

All I have, all I just said, Haitians, geese. Did we find out they're friends of the geese? I just think the bigger story was there's a town of 60,000 in Ohio and they brought 20,000 Haitians in. Why didn't you just ask, isn't that a lot of people, homeless people to bring into a town of 60,000? Forget about eating geese and whatever's happening or not happening. Just say, well, how are they supposed to handle that?

Why would they bring them all to that town? I mean, is it the Haitians? I don't know. That's why the town is saying that. Where would you like to go? I'd like to go to Springfield, Ohio. I can't do a Haitian accent. Where did they film Tommy Boy, Ohio? Let's go there. Looks like a fun town. I would say, yeah. I don't know why. I don't know what's going on because I don't have Haitians where I live right now. I'd love to hang out with them. You don't have any wildlife. You have nothing.

You don't have ducks. You don't have geese. You live in a padded cell. There's donkeys and wolves. Hee-haw. Hee-haw. Okay, should we end on that impression? Let's end on, I'm going to interrogate you for a minute as Senator John Kennedy. Oh, no. We have to show a picture of him because everyone talks about it in the comments. So, when you started the podcast...

You had clips ready to go to do funny rejoinders on the clips. Do I have that correct? Is that what that was your plan? Sorry, what's a rejoinder?

Now, let me give you a little John Kennedy. Okay, here's one. Did you know that we as a nation give away billions of dollars to countries that hate us? Why can't we just have them hate us for free? That's one he really said. That's a good one. Isn't that a good one? Let me get this straight. I'm reading this.

If you have an illegal immigrant run into you on a city block and you say, hello, sir, and they say, I'm here, but your shitbox country don't mean dick to me. What is your response to that? I say go back to your country if you love it so much.

That's a good sixth grade answer. It's such an exciting time. The debates have been so amazing. People get ears shot off. You got Bobby Kennedy Jr. going on. You got just stuff happening. Biden's still around. It's going to be quite a next 57 days. And the highlight of it all, you get to hear us read ads on here and on Blind Wall.

Nobody reads ads. Let me tell you something. They don't skip over our ads. They listen to our ads. They look at it. They never, they never, they listen and they do it and you can look at it and you see it and they know it and they got it and they will. Everyone's buying. Everyone's, everyone's buying everything they promote. Okay. Thanks, Dan. It was nice to meet you. And thanks, David. Yeah. Stay in school. And I think you're doing some big announcements coming up, Dan, and we'll talk about it next week. Okay.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.