SUPERFLY #4 - Jason Kelce Joins
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, Hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So, um, you won't regret it. I'm a nibbler Dana. And I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. Um,

And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up. They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells. Flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Mm-hmm.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

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Is it true there's a bowl of Vicodins in the weight room by the door? No. There used to be. They crack down on that. Oh, that's a good... I might have to come over. We have them here in a little bowl. We can't get up to you.

Okay, guys, we're already laughing. It's Spade and Carvey, and we're starting Superfly. Yeah, we're always in a good mood on Superfly. Always chuckling away. Look at me. I got a green background. My hair is really like two. It's like a helmet.

Well, it actually looks kind of movie star ready, I would say. You know, you could play kind of a badass with that hair, like, you know, with a gun and stuff. Oh, actually, I'm working on a new impression. I'm going to do it for you at the end. Okay. Hmm. So what, now, usually we haven't seen each other in a few days. So what's been going on with you? What's your, you always have some weird thing happened. I'm still doing my tour. So I was in Spokane this weekend.

Beautiful crowd. I stayed at the hotel right next to it. And so every single person in that hotel was at the show. I'm walking around, oh my God, your show is unbelievable. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Genius, blah, blah. Better than anyone else. Blah, blah. Bill Burr, no, no. You're the best. Blah, blah. Everyone else is horrible. Blah, blah. So whatever. I don't even remember. But I remember that part. So anyway, someone goes,

You know who's from Spokane? Big star, Sydney Sweeney. I go, oh yeah, she is a big star. Oh, she's from here? She isn't really shocking. Everyone's from somewhere. And you know that girl. She's on Euphoria. Okay. She's a big deal. She's in two movies out right now. So I said, oh great. And then Bobby's downstairs with some guys. Your opener. Yeah, my opener, Bobby Mimota. And they said, oh, we love soccer. You talk about it in your act. By the way, his sister's a big star here.

And he goes, oh, and then he kept saying it. So he finally goes, who Sidney Sweeney, how do you like them apples? And he's like, she is a big star. So I go to the airport and I go to the driver. He literally said, how do you like them apples? Yeah. And that's a good way to, you know, let him know, like I wasn't bullshitting. Okay. And I say to the driver, uh, I heard his bullshit about Sidney Sweeney goes, oh yeah, I did a play with her. I'm like,

By the way, I'm sure the play business is big up in Spokane, Washington. Spokane outskirts, yeah. So I said, oh, great. So I get on my flight and the lady from United says,

It's like, you know, blah, blah. I heard the show is great. Blah, blah, whatever. And then she goes, oh, you knew who's on your flight? Sydney Sweeney. I go, I can't hear more about this girl. So I get on and lo and behold, how about them apples? She's sitting right behind me. Wait a minute. Sydney.

Sweeney is in Spokane after all this and she's sitting behind you. Yeah, there she is. See that gorgeous. So she's sitting behind me with like her boyfriend or, or something. And, uh, actually she, she was in her in coach, but her boobs were in first. Anyway, can you say that? Oh, canceled. I mean, I mean, I have to throw in one boob joke. Oh, she's very lovely. I mean, she's displaying them. If we don't notice them, that would be kind of odd. I mean, you know? Yeah. I think they were, uh,

buried in the hoodie in this trip, but she had her hat down. So the stupid story is my, I lose, I don't say anything to her. I don't know what to say. You know, what's there to say? Hey, are we both in showbiz? Big fan, big fan. I could have said that. Yeah, that's a, that's a good one. Everyone likes that. That's fine. But it was just awkward. I don't know what to say. So I lose my five hour energy, you know, the one of those. Yeah.

And it's a big panic for me. So I'm on the ground looking. And so I crawl around and I go, hey, you guys see if I have energy around these parts? And then she's like, no. You're on all fours crawling down the aisle before takeoff? Yeah. No, during the flight. During the flight, you're on all four? Okay. Yeah. And everyone's like, quit looking for attention.

and i was but i was looking really for this right and then she goes no and then she goes do you do a show here and i go yeah and everyone's like you know some of your senior sweetie and she goes oh i know and i go i actually met your brother uh i guess does he live here and she goes well he's in the army and i go is he not here and she goes no and i'm like well some guy some guy

That's his claim to fame is he's lying about that. The funniest thing to lie about. Did the whole plane break out into Sydney? Sweeney. But she's from Spokane, Washington. I was from Spokane. British. I thought we land. No, she's a. She's a British. All American. All right. We land. And I've got the whole plane involved now because some lady in the back goes, found it.

found my fucking stupid five hour hands it down past Sydney. I get it. This is touching it. Everyone's touching smothered in COVID Omnicron. And I shake it. I go, it's a little light. I guess you took a few gulps. That's your reward. Fucking crickets. Then what a flight. No one laughs. And then I, I, I, we're about to leave and, uh,

Anyway, the point of this whole story, which is absolutely none, is that we're both on dog shit Delta. You know, whatever. Fine. We're on some puddle jumper. But the point of the story is she is hosting SNL this week. I didn't know that. And she didn't say it.

And I have a feeling she didn't either want to brag or does not know I was on SNL, which is very likely. She's like maybe 24. She's probably 24. Yeah. We'll look it up. But it doesn't matter. And in those situations, I don't really introduce myself. Sometimes I say, hey, I'm David. But when you meet other people, do you say your name, Dana? Go.

Uh, no, no. Cause I'm, I'm, I've always been at the, like if I walked around dressed as Garth, I get a lot more attention. You don't, I can change my, like what? Look at my face right now. And then, and then soon I have sunglasses on like, who's this, right? You can't tell. I can hide myself in plain sight, but I'll get people sometimes on a flight. They'll be, are you, uh, are you, uh, who I think you are? Are you that?

Are you that guy? Or are you, I go, what Jesus? They go, no, are you, uh, are you the main guy? Jesus. I don't judge. I once, if they take me and it's like, Hey, uh, you know, it's a seven hour flight elbow to elbow. Hey, uh, how do you guys, uh, come up with those?

So sketches you do on that, on that Saturday night live there show, you know? So I, I, I give into it. We have drinks, we talk and we go over the history of SNL. And then I said, I left 49 years ago. They ask if you're still on the guy says, well, that's not so fun.

The funniest one I had was first class on Virgin America years ago. Big club seats, giant seats. But Paul Bunyan sat next to me. I'm not saying anybody fat. I'm saying a triple size man with shorts, calves this big. He took the whole thing. They came around for ordering and he said, oh, I want to be each. So he got every entree. I want them all.

I'll have them all. You get the sandwich, the lasagna, the thing. So if you get stuck next to Paul Bunyan, just go with it. And he goes, you're going to eat that cookie.

You eat that cookie. You're going to eat my cookie. Hey, it's like some folks got a sling blade. How much you want? I was like, I'll always do Billy Bob Thornton. If I'm asked, I was pushing you to do sling blade. Uh, by the way, Dana, talk about tough guy. I know I'm not that tough. And on TV, I come off like a hard ass, tough guy athlete, but in real life, uh,

We're not showing it off in my sweater. It looks like it's from the fucking Gap. But it's not. Happy Days called and wants their wardrobe back. That's the show from 1978. Old reference lost on younger viewers. I'm driving my 95 Land Cruiser, which I don't want to say how old I am, but I bought it new. I bought it new. I wasn't old, but I bought it new. So 95 had his whole time.

I'm driving down the street the other night when it's starting to rain, it conks out of me at a light on sunset. Now there's two lanes. So I'm in the left lane, which is the faster lane, you know, conks out. And then, and then I can't get it going. I'm like, now it's raining. I get out of the car. I look around and I go back to my, uh,

crummy days and I was like a bus boy and I have old cars, you know, from 16 years old, like 25. And I always had to push start them or jump them or, so this would happen a lot. So I opened the door and I, and I, and I, and cars like skidding and now it's raining and I don't want to get hit. I can't leave it with the hazards in the middle of the lane.

so i start rocking it i put it neutral and i start yanking you know you don't have power steering in this situation so i yank it's a land cruiser you're trying to push yes with my pin arms stick legs i do have carry underwood calves we know that but i'm pushing come from the calves and i start to go i got a green light i'm going to go and try to take an illegal left because it was slightly more downhill to go to the left than the right but slightly like this barely and i go there's no way i can push it

Even if it's one inch. So I rock it and it moves and I start to push it like a fucking monster. I'm pushing. No one gives a fat fuck. They're all just like beeping and get out of the way. And I'm like, no one's helping. I'm in grownups. Help me. No one cares. Just shoot me guy. Bench for. So I, I get in the middle and then it turns red. Wrong. Lama. And they don't help me.

And now I'm in the middle of the light and I'm resting and now no one can go. And so I hold up my hand, international sign of don't run me over, whatever. I start rocking it again. I turn on my Karen with cows and I start to go left with no one's helping none. And I help people. I've actually jumped out and help people. And I start to turn and then I crack, I get in and crank the wheel, get out again, again. Everyone's like, yeah,

What's going on? That guy looks like he's in a, they go, who is that girl? So anyway, why are you letting, even if you think I'm a girl, why are you letting a girl push it? They're like, Meg Ryan's in trouble. So cause I have a hat on. So anyway, I finally get it over somewhere and I just get out of the fucking, no, they go city. Sweetie's in trouble. She got a Bob.

Well, you know, I'm glad you made it safe. I've had, you know, we've had a lot of rain in California and it's just a mess. I mean, I'm going out in the rain. I'm walking to my car and the grass is like soaked. So it's like, you know, and then I open the door. I don't know if it's the rust or the rain. It's like...

You know, so I get in the seat, it's leather. So, you know, I, I'm a safe driver. So I checked the rear view mirror, you know? Yeah. And I put the windshield wipers on cause it's pouring rain. You know what I mean? I mean, and then I went to a shop and they had a guy with a drill. What would he sound like?

Tire gun? Yeah, a tire gun. Then I went over to Vansaw. This is a character I used to do called Sound Effect-y. And sometimes you use the same effect for different things. So I turn on the radio. You only got four. I switch gears. You know what's a good one? It's windshield wipers when they go... It's like so loud. But when it's dry, they go...

They're like, fuck dude, it's not raining. You're stressing me out. Put the seat back. When I get in my car, I have like, I have like 18 seat adjustments. I'm like this. Ooh,

You don't have it all preset. Oh, boy. Give me a news story. Oh, yeah. One news story. Any story. One story came up is a pregnant stingray. I don't know if we have a picture. There's a stingray that got pregnant named Charlotte in North Carolina. Let me see.

And they don't know how? Oh, it's the Virgin Stingray. Yeah. Okay. Well, here's how it's solved. Are you going to play it or no? I don't think so. It's just a stingray that's very cute. It was in an aquarium full of sharks, so they didn't know how. There's no other stingrays in it. That's the story. So it's like a...

Immaculate conception. So as a beetle would say it, well, you know, there was a little, you know, a little aqua creature, you know, that has a stinger. They call the stingrays, you know, she's a lady, but she's with sharks and they don't, they don't ever get together. You know, the shark doesn't go, ah, would you be my girlfriend? Never happens. But all of a sudden she's preggers going to give her babies. Right. And they don't know how. Yeah.

They don't know how. See, the key, if anyone's listening, the key to doing a Beatle accent is always sound like you're asking a question. Hey, Paul, did you go to the store? I told you I went to the store. Did you go or not? I just told you I went to the store. Oh, you did or didn't? No, I like it. I just told you.

These are three comments that I thought were funny on the story. One said, Oh, has anyone checked if it's one of Nick Cannon's kids? It's kind of funny, right? That's good. Yeah. And maybe, maybe it, it comes back as Steve Irwin or maybe he's the dad. Remember Steve Irwin?

Oh, my God. Yes, that's a little dark. I was on The Tonight Show with him. Great guy. Australian guy. It's always good to bring a tragedy into a joke comment. And then the last one was, oh, it's the Sturgeon Mary. Sturgeon Mary. That's not bad. Yeah, there's better. Here's my news story, and I don't know if it's true, but...

When Biden is given a speech and stuff, he's got his staff backstage. And sometimes President Biden will go off the teleprompter and mander about. And his staff gets very emotional about it. You know, like, oh, he's off the teleprompter. He's off the teleprompter. So I...

I don't know if this is true, but some one of them knew Nicolas Cage. So they bring in Nicolas Cage backstage and he expresses how emotionally they are. He's like sort of a therapy guest. So Biden's out there and then I have the dog and we went out in the river and then the staff's going, oh, no. And Nicolas Cage goes, all right. And he drops to his knees and goes, why? God, why? That was a long way to go.

I like it. How do you know where we went? I don't know. It's just something funny. If you're ever upset about anything, you get audited by the IRS. You just call Nicolas Cage. Why? The mother of God. He probably says that in every movie. Let's look at this. J-Lo came out with something. This isn't even a big story. It's just J-Lo came out with something else. God damn.

This is me. It's an album and a movie. Yeah. Right. Hybrid runs on electricity. It's a hybrid something. And it's a movie doc album. And she was in the donuts commercial. I wish I think she's in so much. She just needs to take off, like just disappear for like a whole day. If I didn't see her for a whole day, I would be like, oh, okay. Now I miss her. But she is really in your grill. She's good.

She's very good. She's gorgeous. So somebody decided to use her husband's Dunkin' Donut commercial against her in a review. Is that what they did? Yeah. Her album is as watery as the Dunkin' Donuts thing, where Matt Damon, really funny, says, how do you like them donuts? Because he said, I like them apples in Good Will Hunting.

Oh, I didn't even get that. Lucy K did a stand-up bit about it. Yeah. So they're going out of their way to kick her in the balls about the donuts commercial. Oh, my God. It's a mash-up. They take a dig at Ben and Jennifer by mashing the Dunkin' Donuts versus the thing. I like, you know, for people not in show business, it's really hard. I mean, Jennifer Lopez is just incredibly... To stay that fit, just that...

And you got to be camera ready every time you leave your house. And then she does albums. She's jumping, singing. She's does movies. You know, what are you going to do? Her skin is like pretend. I don't know. There's no wrinkles. There's nothing. She's gorgeous. Yeah. All right. Right now we have a surprise guest on super fly. Ooh, Jason, Jason, Kelsey. Oh, we're going to, after Jason, we're going to go.

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Find it on AutoTrader. See it. Find it. AutoTrader. Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is our first and only guest on Superfly. Considered one of the National Football League's greatest centers of all time. Six-time first-team All-Pro. Seven-time Pro Bowl. Super Bowl champion, Mr. James.

Kelsey! Thanks for having me, guys. That's a hell of an intro. Are you kidding? All comedians love athletes. We love people who are actually brave and bump into things. This is a feminine job. Let's face it. Look at our hair. Dana. We're like little girls.

I think all athletes wish they were performers of some kind, whether it was musical artists or comedians. We grew up watching you guys. And I think comedians are, for me, going out there and bashing my brain into somebody seems relatively normal. Getting up on stage and talking in front of a bunch of people and letting your soul out there is a whole nother level of, I don't know, putting yourself out there. It terrifies me.

It terrifies me. Stand up. I had years of stage fright. David was a natural, just came out and blasted it. But I was...

I was just panicked all day. I was going to ask you, like, did you ever line up against a nose tackle where you went, holy shit, this is the biggest guy I've ever faced? Because they go 350. Is anyone ever more than 350 pounds trying to kill you? Sure. Really? Yeah, I mean, yeah. So usually they'll be listed still about 350, but I know like Vita Vea, I've played him a bunch. And I know from talking to guys in Tampa Bay, he'll regularly be pushing 400 pounds. Yeah.

on the scales and yeah, there's, there's, there's games where I'm giving up a hundred pounds to the guy across from me. And what's your strategy? Yeah. Well, hopefully they call plays where I get to utilize my speed and agility against guys like that. But some of those guys are really good. You know, I think for me, my, I guess strength was definitely second level blocking. So blocking linebackers, safeties down the field. So, you know, Jeff Stoutland, our offensive line coach said,

really would try and get me up there. He knew that, you know, it was not a good proposition for a game plan to have me manned up on a 400 pound guy all game long. So he would design plays with the emphasis of trying to get me up to the second level. So I got to appreciate my coach for not putting me in too many bad situations. After 400 pound comedians and it's hard.

I know. I mean, cause then you go to the green room and go, where's my dinner? And they go, it's gone. I just want to bring this up based on what you just said, Jason. Yeah. I looked at the combine cause I know a brother. So I've got three older brothers and there's a competition there, but in one key metric, which I thought was interesting and goes to your ability on the football field, the 20 yard shuttle, you were four, one, four, your brother, Travis was 4.42. Yeah.

So that's the ability to go five yards this way, five years that way, which is kind of was your super talent as a, as a speed. Yeah. Yeah. You,

You hit it in the nail on the head right there. I mean, my brother was probably better than his time. That drill is as much about speed and agility as it is kind of your preparation for it. If you hit the steps and the turns properly, you're going to have a better time. Right. Travis, knowing him, he just went out there and ran as fast as he could. Still a good time, but he could have been better. I'm guaranteeing that. Okay.

My, yeah, my, that was definitely, and that's been one of the metrics to gauge, especially your centers or your more agility driven linemen that you want to have on your team. The 20 yard shuttle is a great metric to determine which guys are going to be good at that. Well, I looked at a lot of your high up. That's the only metric, Dana, I would talk about at the dinner table if I was Jason.

that's all I got. He's bringing up super bowls and all pro. Yeah, no, it's a, I'll, I'll, I'll, it's, it's something nice to have. At least I got one day. And you know, and I, I watched a lot of your highlights last night and you're like the wide sweep. You're out there sprinting like really fast. You got, wait a minute. That guy's the center. He's like 20 yards over that way. So it was very interesting for me to figure that out, but it always seemed,

like a tough, a tough position, especially the pressure of hiking the ball to the punter, you know, or a field goal. I mean, and those are like 20 yards, how far? And you're, so, I mean, you have to have nerves of steel or how do you calm yourself down at that moment? Is it just reps?

Yeah. I mean, like everything, the more practice you get, the nerves are always the highest whenever it's the first time you're doing something, right? Like the first NFL start, you're going to be like, man, what is this going to feel like? I've never done this before. Your first time playing a premier player, you're like, I don't know how this is going to go. Your first time running a play that you've never run, right? Those are kind of always where the nerves are the most heightened. So yeah.

Whether it's practice or game reps, the more repetitions you get, the more those nerves subside. Yeah, I mean, center is a position I think a lot of guys want to play until they have a bad snap. Like we had a buddy of mine play guard and he's like, man, center, you guys are double teaming a lot. You know, you're not manned up as much.

And, you know, I wish I played a little bit of that. And then he got pushed in at center and had a couple of bad snaps. He's like, man, I never want to play center again. Like it is. You have two jobs you like, and then you got to look up and go, Oh wait, now the guy bashes my brains. And I forgot about that. I know you have just one hand down. So everyone else is like a gorilla. And you've got one down and one's concentrated on that. And then here are the field goal for the win. And here it is. It's over his head. Yeah.

The game is over. Fucked it up. The center of universal pain. Yeah. And it's a, it's a, it's a, the snap is like a foregone conclusion. Everybody's expectation is that the snap is going to be perfect every time. Yeah. The reality is it's not. And the unfortunate thing is when it does happen in a crucial situation or a game on the line. I mean, it's,

There's no getting away from that one. You're in the chain of command. Nothing happens until you do that. And the quarterback is up there a lot of times. All the teams in the NFL, it seems very sophisticated as a casual fan. And they're calling audibles.

And I remember they're going thinking, really? He's going to do that? Does he know what he's doing? Do you ever question in your head what the audible is? Do you out-audible him and say, I'm calling an audible over your audible and I'm not hiking it yet? Well, it has happened before. There's some...

There's some audibles that are more geared for the back end of the defense for the quarterback. And there's some audibles that are more geared for the front, which is more what I'm seeing. So there are, there have been times with every quarterback I've played where I've been like, no, no, no, this isn't the look that we want to kill this play to her. The look we want to run this run too. But in passing game, he's taken full control. And there's times where, you know, the quarterback at all times has, you know,

final say you can't have two guys up there like no we should do this no we should do that no we should so you give that to the quarterback everybody if the quarterback wants to do something that's what we're doing and there's times where especially in like a blitz pickup where he'll send the protection in a specific direction and you're like yeah i'm pretty positive it's coming from over here and you might relay that if he

at the end of the day, though, if he wants to go over here, the most important thing is that the quarterback knows where he's hot from, where he wants to deliver the ball to. So, yeah, that does happen from time to time. Okay, go ahead, David. I just want to know, we're just so excited, Jason.

Jason. We're very excited. The huddles must be stressful. It's the same here. Because when I see a huddle and I could imagine being, you know, it's like 22 zipper drive. And then they just go, if I was the receiver, I'm like, wait, what happened? Am I the zipper in this? Because everyone just gets it right every single time. And I think how they don't, they do not. Okay. Yeah. And you go, what's happening? They go, booty liquor on five. And you go, is he talking to me? So,

So I don't know because what do you listen for in the play? Do you have to get any instructions or is it. Absolutely. Yeah. You, you, you get used to listening to the portion of the play that pertains to you. And for the center, really the whole thing, other than the route concept is important to you. Like you need to know the formation. You need to know the snap count. You need to know what the play is that we're running. If it's a run player or a pass play and the protection or run concept. Um,

Everybody gets in tune to listening to the things that are important for their job. The quarterback obviously having the ultimate

and tight ends to a certain extent of needing to listen to everything. And that's why those guys tend to be the most knowledgeable throughout the entire offense. They jam their head in farther in that huddle. Some just kind of kick back on the side. Yeah. The tackles are like, just give me what the 62 got it. You know, they don't care about the half of the stuff. Has it gotten more sophisticated? Cause I'm from the sixties, you know, John Brody and the 49ers said, I swear they would go hut one, hut two, hut two.

But nowadays it seems like Brock Purdy says, what's up, what's up, what's up. But what is he saying? Is he saying what's up? I don't know Brock Purdy specific one. I know Dak Prescott does. Oh, my gosh. It's we were joking about this whole season. Campbell Soup, Campbell Soup, Campbell Soup. Yeah, there's I would say in some ways it's gotten less convoluted.

Because to David, your point, the more words you have in the play call, the more chance somebody is going to miss something. So now, so now there's kind of a, been a move back to like, how can we simplify these things with code words or words that we use all the time so that players, the moment they hear that, they know, okay, God, I know what this concept is and you can shrink it down into one, two word phrases. So,

At the line of scrimmage, though, the snap count, it's so specific to each team. Most of the time you want a lead in, right? So whatever it is, if it's, yeah, a hut-hut hike, right? For us, it's color numbers. White 80, white 80, said hut. The reason you don't just go up there and say, said hut, is because everybody would be jumping off sides. You got that little lead in like, hey, we're getting ready. We're getting ready. Here it comes, bow, right? Is it always the same thing or is every play he says what it's going on and then you don't want them to hear?

Correct. Yeah. It's either in the huddle or at the line of scrimmage, there'll be code words to let you know, like if we're no huddle, he'll say, you know, whatever the code word is. When I was with Howard mud, it was like pink and then a two digit number. And the first digit was always what it was on. So it was like, you know, pink 15, it was on one, you know, pink 32 was on three. So you, you kind of would try and think at any time you could say, you didn't know you're a pink, pink is a 32. And then you knew it was on three. Right. Yeah.

So there's all sorts of codes and different ways to figure out at the line of scrimmage or in the huddle. There's just on three on one on three. So that's generally how I got out of the game. I played flag football and I loved it. We had plays at ready break. I'm in sixth grade. I was the halfback.

And then tackle football came in at 5'1", 91 pounds, freshman in high school. I looked like a fetus with shoes. They said, there's a cross country team. No one will hit you. So I went out that way. But here's a question I have for you, like, and professional athletes in general. So you finished the game.

and you've gotten your ass kicked i think the sound has gotten better i don't know what it is but i feel the violence so maybe the tvs are better i really feel the violence or hear it bone cracking mcafree's going up and he just so what what is your protocol to to get healed do you have a team do you get a massage you go in the sauna i mean what is there a whole metric that you go through to see if you're hurt first of all and whatever like what do you what's your

What do you do? Yeah. If, if you have an acute injury, you're seeing the trainer to see if you need treatment on it or how bad it is. You might need an MRI or an x-ray to determine whether you're okay.

Anything outside of that, a bruise or just general soreness, you have kind of anything at your disposal. Every guy likes different things. I was big into sauna. I was big into massage. Lifting weights always made me feel better because it naturally kind of pumps the blood in there. Some guys love acupuncture. Some guys love chiropractic.

Some guys love... Is it true there's a bowl of Vicodins in the weight room by the door? No. There used to be. There is at my house. They crack down on that. Oh, that's a good... I might have to come over. We have them here in a little bowl. We can't get up to you. They always say that this time of year, everyone's beaten up. This is when the playoffs start. Everyone's beaten up. So everyone's nurturing something. And it just feels...

I just want to dovetail what I mean, we all know you have a decision to make whether you're going to retire or and so and also what I've read about is that the adrenal rush of being a professional football player and the camaraderie is such an intense life that then people go outside of that.

And where are they going to get that rush? So we would vote for show business of any way you want to be in it, because we think it's an emotionally violent sport. Like if I get off this podcast, I'll be thinking I talk too much or I should ask that question. So are you what do you think? Are you going to be in the booth? You're going to go on movies maybe or or are you going to go back and play for the Eagles? You have 10 seconds. Yeah.

Here we go. We need a trend. I don't know. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. That's a good answer. That's what I'm trying to figure out right now. There's right now exploring different opportunities if I end up retiring, still working out and staying in shape if I end up playing again. Yeah.

But that's what I've heard from all the former players is, you know, when you're playing, it's like this every week, right? It's, oh, we just won. Oh, we just got our ass kicked. Oh, we just were in the playoffs. Oh, we're out. Like it's, it's very much. That's the life you're in. And it's play by play like that as well. And all these guys, when they get done, it's like, man, you're just kind of here, man. You, you very rarely get these peaks and you got to find a way to kind of get that as much.

Yeah. Hey, I mean, some guys get into it for real. Well, maybe this is a good time. I don't want to keep you too long, but you have shown capability as a performer. I think the the underdog speech.

As you know, and you must have been told about, I mean, it was like not like a football player giving a speech. It had rhythm. It had timing. I don't know if you wrote it, but the list of it and then what underdogs are. I mean, it's it's very show busy. So I could see you very organically when you want to retire. I mean, we want to can we take a look at it? We just have a little bit of it. Let's do it.

Are you doing Aladdin on Broadway after this? Aladdin in the Philadelphia edition. Here we go.

That's like to me, Chris Farley, as close as I've seen to Chris Farley. And it's such a great rhythm. Well, I'm going to do one as a comedian. David Spade ain't funny. Adam Sandler couldn't be a movie star.

How did you think of that? And also, what the hell are you wearing? Because it looks like a Wizard of Oz outfit or something. Sure. I guess I'll start with what I'm wearing. In Philadelphia, there's a parade, Mummer's Parade, and it's been done for a very long time. And everybody dresses up in these ornate, ridiculous costumes. And I think it has roots all the way back to Europe at some point. But that's something that happens every day.

uh new year's day in philadelphia and i figured if we're doing a philadelphia parade i'll do a philadelphia style and fortunately there was a just perfect green eagle colored version of that outfit available in my size but um and then the speech um i i

couldn't after you win a Superbowl, you're, you're, it's such a high, right? Yeah. You're, you're, it's the pinnacle of your career and you start thinking about all the things you had to do to get there selfishly. And then you start thinking about everything your teammates had to do and your coaches and the city. So it all really just came together very organically. I remember I would be up till two or three in the morning after the game and

And I didn't even know if I was going to get a chance to make a speech, to be honest with you. But I just can't. These narratives are floating around in my head. And I'm like waking my wife up and like, hey, what do you think about this? Like, what if I said something like that? And she's like, will you go to sleep? Like, why are you bothering me with this?

And I think I probably, I didn't really have a full thing written down, but I remember I was keeping track of different things and different guys and what they had to do to overcome to get to that moment. That was the theme of the team. So there were just a lot of things that came together organically for that to happen. But yeah, it was, it was something that flowed out. I mean, I somehow managed to still get it together and,

an entire, I don't know, 40 blocks of drinking beers and celebrating with fans. And like, it wasn't like I just walked up there. That was like, I was like three hours in. Yeah, voice is a little thrash.

Exactly. We were, we had done enough, uh, spelling chance for the Eagles. I don't know. The Eagles chant is E A G L E S Eagles. I mean, you don't get much more like rudimentary than just spelling the word, but over very guttural. Yes. Spelling it. So how many, how many beers? I'm sorry.

I have a question for Dana. No. Before we get to how many beers you've had, which the over-under is 40. When you, this is a quick question about this year's Super Bowl. Do you, would you have known what to do in that coin toss or did you know something was up with that coin toss or not? You're talking about the overtime decision? Yeah. I mean, we as a team have always talked about for playoff overtime,

Meaning the second team or the other team is guaranteed a possession of kicking. You want to have knowledge of what you're trying to get that second possession. I had never even heard of it described until Kyle Shanahan went over it in his postgame press conference. At the time, I was like, what are they doing? Why would they...

This doesn't make sense to receive. Yeah. But I think after Kyle saying that, I mean, there's logic behind it. Nobody was getting in the end zone. If it goes field goal, field goal, you want to have the ball third. Oh, he's thinking one more than that. He's thinking one farther. Exactly. They have four downs. But I think the reality is, I think, just personally, you would rather have

You want to be the first team with the ability to end the game first because you're in the driver's seat as to be aggressive, passive. You have more, I don't know, there's more just on the line with that second possession. I don't know that it would have taken a lot probably for Kansas City to kick a field goal. It would have had to have been like a fourth and like five plus, I bet, for them to

relinquish the ball back to San Francisco after that, I would bet. Yeah. But either way, I think, you know, I don't know what the analytics say. I think that you can kind of get those numbers to say whatever you want. I feel like, like if you, if you want to, you know, be the team with the ball third, you find a way to skew them to say that if you want to be the time, the team with the ball second, you can find a way to get them to say that. But I think that,

That was the first time I had really seen somebody with the mindset that they were going to receive first with these new overtime rules being what they are. And also the Niners would have to do prevent defense in a sense. Don't give him a touchdown. And so then you give that opening to Patrick and your and your brother. And I was watching it just as a Niner fan, although I'm a huge Kansas City fan.

And the Eagles as well. And the Eagles. There we go. But I was like, oh, no. And I told my wife, I go, it's over. You know, Patrick, in that time frame, four downs, go, go, go. They were going so fast down the field, too. You're like, god damn. And San Francisco is so slow, inching. And then they're just doing chunks. And you go, oh, boy, this is it.

The moment they kicked the field goal, I felt really confident that the Chiefs are going to go down and win it. Just Patrick is so good in those situations. Yeah. You know, he gets more, you know, everybody's talked about, you know, he gets four, he gets four downs instead of three to try and get a first down. Yeah. Right. And huge difference. So I think it was, you know, and Sam Fran was gassed at that point. I mean, they'd already put up,

a lot and you know done a great job all game long uh but the later in the game it gets the harder it gets for the defenses to defend yeah what's happening you know jason i heard a rumor about travis was yelling at andy reed during the game and i heard what he said the audio is off but someone came out he said why did you tell me to get out of bitcoin is that true

I don't know. Is Bitcoin up now? I feel like Andy probably would. It's going on. Gosh, dang it.

Yeah. He's an old school coach. He wouldn't be into the Bitcoin. Well, let's, we, we do an impression thing on here before we let you go. First of all, yeah, go ahead. This, this came about because I ran into Jason just so people know that are listening. Oh yeah. It's a little random, but I saw him at the YouTube concert and a Sandler wanted to say hi to him. And, uh,

I did too, but we didn't want to be weirdos. So, but we went over and we talked to him. By the way, Jason, do you remember? Oh, I sent you these. I couldn't say anything. This is us. This was awesome. Yeah. And then, uh, and then I said, I'll take a picture of you and Adam with my phone. And here's the two pictures I took Dana. Do you have those Greg? That's the one that works. Okay. So that's the one that worked. We got another one. So we, we talked to him for a minute with Howie Long's in there with their, he's got the athletes. We have all the goofy comedians on our side.

And so Jason was very nice and we had a great time. And then the show was great. Bono, you know, there's so many 60th birthdays. He's giving shout outs for about 29 minutes because there was 300 people because everyone's old. It goes to YouTube. He's going, oh, Chris Rock. Yeah.

47 years of age. Am I booging? Yeah. I didn't mean to boog you. Oh, there we go. Oh, there we go. That's Spade's first shot at these two. Jason's like, knock one out. That's Sandler with a bad facelift. And then I go, no, I got it. Now I fixed my camera. Here's the second one. A completely blurry one. I took one. It was a total disaster. Anyway, Jason, you were cool. Thank you. And we're going to end this by, um,

wasting your time more because we have people submit impressions. Yes. And I don't think this is you, but I think it reminded us. You said we should look at this one. You went to the level of this character in your speech. So I haven't, we haven't seen this, but here's an impression of it. We haven't seen it. I think I know what this is. A couple of things about myself. I'm 35.

I'm 35 years old, recently divorced, and I live in a van down by the river. Okay. Dude, that was spot on. That was good. That's impressive. I have a few notes, Jason. Okay. He was thrice divorced.

Recently divorced. But I did like the movement. I like the hoarseness of the voice, which you had sort of down. The tone was great. The tone was great. I think you rushed it a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. It's just you want to say, in a van...

By the rule of the law. Like that little pause. Really milk it. And maybe when you get close to me, bump your head into me. That was a nice joke. I mean, I guess, Jay, someone like you really can squat. Like Farley could really. He was a football player in college, right? Or high school. But also the guy could, if he could do a deeper squat and do that move that Chris does. But it's really good. What was the name of that guy? I want to mention him. Craig? I'm really shocked.

We'll give him a shout out later in post. His name is Dr. Phil Finemore. Doctor? Dr. Phil Finemore? Did someone just write stupid on my forehead?

Sorry I'm late for your heart surgery. I was working on my Christopher Walken impression. Oh, man, do it. Why? Ready now. So, Jason, well, it's been a pleasure. I think the world of professional athletes and the way you handle yourself, you and your brother have a great podcast.

And I wish you all the best. I think you can, when you want to be either in the movies, television, or being in the booth, calling games or whatever you want to do, I think you'll do great. But I know what it's like. We could leave. Like Daniel Day-Lewis could come back this year and make a movie and we go, oh, where was he? Right? Five years. Once you're out, you can't go back in, basically. It's a little trickier. Exactly. Unless you're Tom Brady. He's still, there's a rumor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He will be welcome back at any time if you want. So did we help you inform your decision at all? Or will you talk to your wife about Dana and David? I have not thought too much of show business. I've thought a little bit about the booth and football stuff, but I appreciate you guys having me on. This is such an honor to just talk to both of you. As I was telling David at the show, I mean, it was such a special moment to meet you guys and like the pedestal of

comedians and just the peak of that craft. It's such an honor to even be on here and talk to you guys. So thank you very much, Dana. Thank you, David. Thanks for having me. Thank you. All right. We'll talk to you soon, bud. Out in the real world. Sounds good. You know, Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program. Oh, yeah. If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older.

I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta Stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

They, uh, I know English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation. So you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard. So this is, this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah. So that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses. Rosetta stone offers for 50% off a steal. And I, and I do think that the off label thing that we're, I'm ad living now going off script is,

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Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. You know, Dana, I think we have a connection. We've been friends for a long time. And for this episode of Fly on the Wall, we've partnered with eHarmony, which isn't us. eHarmony is a dating app to find someone you can be yourself with. We are not dating. I want to clarify that. But the connection is what you want in a dating partner. Yeah.

just someone like, if you found someone that listened to this podcast, that's somewhat of a connection. And then you sort of build on that. You want someone with some common ground. Yeah. It's not, it, look, if you want to connect romantically over, you know, super fly or fly on the wall, uh,

It just makes us happy. You don't want to be watching The Godfather and the person next to you goes, this movie sucks. So dumb. Yeah. You want to connect on all issues and harmonize in life. Similar sensibility, similar sense of humor, and similar sense of sense. I don't like when they watch The Godfather and they're like, everyone in this movie is so old. I'm like, they're 40.

Watch 2001 Space Odyssey. Too much of this movie is in outer space. I don't like it. When do they land? When do they land? Why is that stupid red light acting so silly? Who's friends with a robot? We know dating isn't easy. That's why we partnered with eHarmony because dating is different on eHarmony. They want you to find someone who gets you, someone you can be comfortable with.

Yeah. I mean, the whole idea is you're going to take a compatibility quiz, helps your personality come out in your profile, which makes all the profiles on eHarmony way more interesting and fun to read. So I think this is the goal of dating sites, and I think eHarmony does it great. It's just finding somebody you're compatible with.

So get started today with a combat, a compatibility, a compatibility quiz. So you can find some and you can be yourself with get who gets you on eHarmony sign up today. Well, that was fun, Dana. I love talking to him. Um,

Awesome. And he's very informative and he's a funny dude. He's got his shit together, it seems. Yeah, I mean, it's just fun to talk to athletes. It's such a high wire lifestyle. And to be a center, he's pretty funny just about lining up against giant people who want to kill him. It's so violent. You know, I actually was watching the puppy bowl a little bit this year and I bet on one of them. And it's always a bummer when they get hurt, they go into the blue tent.

you know, pull a hammy and then they're out and that's it. There's all my money down the drain. So is the puppy bowl real? I have to ask just in case. The puppy bowl is real. It is real. Okay. That's a good, that's funny. It's literally the hard to bet on because literally they just put all these cute puppies on like something that looks like a football field and they just run around and poop and bark and it's adorable and

Well, I know there is. I don't think I don't know if it's in every state, but the toddler bowl and they just have a diaper changing tent in the toddler bowl. They just coming out. Number 31 is coming out. He asked if he just dropped the load in his diaper. He's got to get changed. He's going to the blue tent. We put a thousand babies on the football field. See which one walks to the goal line. Yeah. Which one looks the most like Sidney Sweeney?

She's our theme guest today. Yeah, I know. She's our theme because she's on SNL this week. Okay, so let's look at some more impressions. We just saw a motivational speaker. It's pretty good. And we will go to the next one. Let's see what we think. All right, this is Jonathan Emmerling. Hey, Dana and David. Three quick impressions for you. Impression number one, Jordan Peterson at the birth of his daughter. This is the happiest I've ever been in my life.

Number two, Nick Offerman relaying some disappointing news. He said no. And impression number three is Severus Snape sexually harassing Harry Potter. Mr. Potter, if you wish to pass this class, I suggest you remove your blouse and underclothes immediately. Thanks, guys. Okay. Actually, okay. Well, first of all, yeah.

offbeat impressions. You don't hear a lot of Nick Offerman. And what was the first one? I liked the third one, then the second one, then the first one. So the first one was Jordan Peterson. Oh yeah. Okay. That's offbeat too.

That's that's definitely offbeat. Jordan Peterson sort of has a high kind of Canadian voice. Women don't like men that are too weak or too baby. Mine's bad. His was actually good. It's good to do it. It's sort of a good way to do it. You do you don't go too long and you just get a hook in there that sounds kind of like Nick Offerman was like.

quick, sounded like him before you can tear it apart and you get worse. You sounded like him, you know?

Yeah, they're nice, quick, what I would call micro-impressions. Just right to the point. So, good job, Jonathan. The hat was interesting. Gave you kind of a festive vibe. Not necessary, but it makes you want to... I thought it was going to do Elmer Fudd or something, maybe. Yeah, yeah, so did I. Something with the hat, but it did... I did like it. Okay, let's see another one. Oh, we've got a young lady here. This is Allison Mary. Allison. We haven't seen these.

Hi Dana and David. My name is Allie and this is my impression of Jennifer Coolidge from Legally Blonde. I'm taking the dog. Dumbass. You look like the Fourth of July. That makes me want to have a hot dog real bad. Dumbass. And this is my impression of Jennifer Coolidge from A Cinderella Story. Oh Sam, you're not very pretty and you're not very bright. I'm so glad we had that talk.

Thank you. Are those the real lines? Very nice. Yeah, I thought that was good. Yeah, she nailed it. I mean, I thought that was a great Jennifer Coolidge. Tone was pretty good. It kind of, if you close your eyes. I thought she'd do a White Lotus one because that's kind of her latest, greatest hit, I think. You know, but she has a character that she plays. Yeah, I remember she's on the boat. Yeah, no, she was incredible in that show. Yeah, White Lotus, Jennifer Coolidge.

I'd love to have her on the podcast, either our flagship or this one. Yeah. Jennifer. She's listening. Everyone's listening. But that was a very, I had not heard a Jennifer Coolidge impression. All right. Let's go to another one. And then I got one for Dana. Okay, let's go. This guy, we don't know who he is. Say his name. This is Dante Carter.

What's up guys, my name is Dante Carter. I'm a comedian from South Carolina. I'm gonna pause here so David can make fun of me. Oh, David. Hey, you're in your car. This is my impression of Barack Obama ordering Taco Bell. Can I get a chalupa with extra pico? Sour cream? No beans! Barry, can't do beans. No beans. Barry gets the boo-boo belly. Thank you.

He gets a boo-boo belly. Okay. First of all, Dante, I like that he made it funny. Like, he took that one hook and took it so far. So it's actually just funny, even if you didn't know who Obama was. The impression was pretty good. It was nice. Nice job. You can make a choice to go down on this more often. Just that type of thing. But he does kind of...

He will do that. He took it. He teased it out. Obama with that vocal fry thing. That's what people do. That's what people do. But yeah, it's not a lot of people do a Barack Obama. I like that he took time to go into the car and knock it out instead of just doing it in his house. He's like, I'll just do it now. I thought he was going to do Theo Vaughn with that accent. Yeah, I bet someone does. Okay, here we are. All right, this is Nathan Beasley. Okay, we got another one. Then I got one.

After Nathan. Nathan. Okay. Well, hi, Dana. Hi, David. This is Morgan Freeman. Little Birdie told me that you're now taking in impressions for your podcast. I think that's a mighty fine idea. I also understand that you're accepting red rednecky jokes as well. I thought, why not kill two birds with one stone? Oh, he's doing one. Or as Red might say, two squirrels with one can. So here we go.

I'm Red Redneckie, the redneck comedian. Last week, my girlfriend broke up with me, but told me we could still be cousins. Come and get some. This is Nathan from Dallas, Texas. I just want to say thank you guys so much for the decades of laughter you guys have given us and me personally. It's been a thrill. Love the podcast. Keep up the great work. I like that part the best.

I like the ending part about the great work. Yeah. Nathan Beasley. It was a really, really good Morgan Freeman. It was very subtle and very real. And the red, red neckie was actually pretty clever. Maybe, maybe too clever. I don't know, but it was actually a good work.

diversion joke like they were cousins the whole time. Yeah. I like that Red Redneckie one too and I like it as Morgan Freeman. I was looking away because I just want to hear if it just sounds like his tone but he has rhythms down as Morgan Freeman. White guy is hard. It must be harder to do but it's pretty good. I thought it was good. Okay. Is there one more? I just have some Red Redneckie jokes. Oh, let me do my impression. Let's do the impression. Yeah. Here it is, Dana.

So this is in the shower this morning. I thought of this because I watched The Beekeeper this weekend with Jason Statham. And any movie he's in, he's always, first of all, he doesn't talk a lot. He always has a lot on his mind. All these guys have a lot on their mind. They don't want to be bothered. And he's always thinking like this when other people are talking. And they like to be left alone. And he's like, I'm the beekeeper. I keep the bees. I like to be left alone.

And if you come at me, I might sting you if you cross me. And they're like, well, are you a bee or are you a beekeeper? And he's like, don't let that concern you. You don't want to find out. I take

the honey to the queen and they're like well i don't get what your job is you're actually a beekeeper or you just you're here to kill me just i'll go i just want to be left alone all of them want to be left alone all those type of guys he was also in meg i saw two movies of the meg the shark movie where it's a diabolical shark where it gets so bananas you know it's you know it's not um a well-written movie when at the end he goes

Careful, the shark has a gun. The shark does? It's getting very human toward the end. It's got a gun in his right fin. It's actually a good impression. It's good. You know, if you don't try too hard, it's a decent impression because he doesn't really do a lot. He's just thinking a lot.

And he was a beekeeper, a full beekeeper outfit. That was the movie. I'm a beekeeper. It's also just a funny take on a kind of a badass guy in a movie where he's talking in metaphors or something. I'm a beekeeper. You know, it's just a funny character anyway, which is then the double premise is it's Jason. After I sting you, I die. And they're like, wait, we die or you die? And also, so you're actually a bee in this scenario? And he's like,

No, wait, go back one. I'm yes. I'm the beekeeper. We, we, we, we, everyone, we understood that part, that part we got, but that's really most of his lines in the movie. Cause it turns out a beekeeper other than he tends to actual bees in the movie, all this. Then if you're a super bad-ass FBI guy, you're a beekeeper. They don't really say what that means. That means,

That's just the best. Oh, it actually a thing. I'm a beekeeper. But then he goes and leaves and he hides and retires, but he kind of likes the attention because he's actually a beekeeper. So they're like, wait, you're not a beekeeper from the FBI. He's like, why would you think that? Well, you're dressed like a beekeeper. You could do anything else. Work at a bowling alley.

I don't know. I'm a beekeeper. Yeah. I keep bees. I keep bees in a keeping place. Yeah. A keeping place? What do you mean? Where bees live. You don't know that much about being a beekeeper because you already don't know really where you keep them. He just likes the title beekeeper. I want to just be that guy. I'm just going to call for a restaurant. We'd like a reservation.

They like four seats, and I know how to get them. Okay, what's the name? The Beekeeper. And I'd like a plate of fresh bees. Fried bees. I don't know where you're... This is Tower Bar. We don't have... Okay, well, we can find something. We have honey packets. We'll find something for you. Yes, I like honey packets. Yeah, that'll be fun. Beekeeper. All right, our final thing today is...

Red Rednecky. Red Rednecky. We're going to watch a few of these. I guess we'll read them. You're going to read them. And if you can read those, Dana, I already see it's almost too long, but go ahead.

I can read them. Yeah. Well, this is from Spence Camp. Thanks for submitting. And I always start, I'm red, rednecky, the redneck meter. I'm reading this cold. Preacher told me folks is talking because I'm married to a minor. I said, hell, she come down with the black lung when she was eight. She ain't set foot in a mine in three years. Come on, get some. Oh, a minor.

That one you'll want to trunk down a little bit, but I get the joke. I didn't even get it. I had to read it twice. Yeah. Okay. Here's Philip Hirsch. Let's see. Okay. I'm red, redneck. You're the redneck comedian. When I kiss mama, she said I kiss like papa. I told her that's what sister said. Come on.

Well, as an incestual thing, that's not bad. It's pretty tight. Sounds like a porn I just watched. Okay. Come and get some can go either way. J-Dubs is the name for our next submittal. I'm Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian. Last night there was a knock on my door. I said, who that? They said, yo mama. I said, which one? Come and get some. He's got two moms. Why was it? Which one? He has two mamas. I don't get it. Okay.

actually they're funny i like these keep them coming here's two to show you how hard it is here's two quick ones that i wrote mom this is red this is red rednecky the redneck comedian my mama wrote a cookbook how to eat like a swamp rat come and get some how they eat like a swamp so you eat like the long one

Well, I should have started this one that's too long. I'm Red Rednecky, the redneck comedian. I asked my mama what's for dinner. She said hot sizzling mud bugs topped with a dozen live crawdads and buttered in swamp sauce. Come and get some. Too long. You should say, what is it, my birthday? Come and get some.

well the whole thing is coming get some and you can elongate that okay my dentist i'm red red naked redneck comedian my dentist told me my teeth were green and brown i said great just like my daddy coming he's home they're hard the careful today this the submittals were better than that they all get laughs because it just everything about sounds funny

I know, but how do I top the language of this one? I met my sister only because mama turned me down. Come on, get some. Yeah. It's hard. Hard to do the short ones. But incest funny. You guys are getting close. We haven't crowned a red, redneck champ yet, but you guys are trying close and send some more impressions. And I guess we'll see you next week. Is that all we got or not here to sign us off today is Jason Strathairn.

You thought we were gone, but I've always been here. I don't know if you read the papers, but I'm the beekeeper. Don't cross me. You get honey in your grill. I'll spray you with honey in your grill. That sounds sexual. No. I think of a new way. Anyway, bye for now. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade.

Hope you liked it.