SUPERFLY #64 - Space Chicks & Coachella
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I think we're starting, Uncle Albert. We're so starting. What a rough, bad joke to start with. It's so bad, it's kind of hip. I'm going to go with that. I'm dark again because I'm wearing black, but that's okay.

uh you have a little bit of blue otherwise yeah you'd be if you painted that wall black and wore that you'd be a floating head and there's nothing wrong with that it i will paint it different color i look fucking awesome it was my own brightness is down people like to see this bts too yeah the whole light thing is uh interesting you know

Sometimes too much light ain't good. Yeah, yours looks really good, but you have the window right there, and it's too bright for me to stare into a window, I think, just so the people at home know all my ailments. Newsflash, finally got curtains. Whoa! The curtains are now, you know, I know this is a multi-million dollar, well, actually, we're the comedy podcast of the year, but technically, we're just sort of DIY stuff.

But I have a curtain that it's darker in here than normal. Holy shit. I didn't get CC'd on this. So you bought curtains in the last week. No, my wife had to order them from France. They took six months. I don't know what it is. So when I would take a nap, I'd have bright sun right on my face. I'm trying to snooze. Now it's fantastic. Oh, yeah. Thanks, honey. Oh, I have. I went farther than that. But I do have drapes everywhere.

Different word for curtains. Drapes are good. Okay, here's a little insert on drapes. Yeah. One of the first regular comedians I ever saw, Mark Miller.

I'm just going to little comedy clubs. I didn't know unknown comics. I didn't know anything about anything. His killer line was sometimes I wonder where the custom of urinating on drapes came from. Something like that. I thought, God, that's brilliant. It was funny. I did comedy and magic club last night to bless you to prep for Boston and somewhere. What is it in New Jersey? Heather, the name Evanston, maybe she doesn't know.

Let's promote those gigs. Yeah, I've got those next ones. I want them to go clean. I got clean. I got Omaha. Des Moines is almost full. Low ticket warning. I get them while you can. You are hot. I'm just going to say it. After landing the, for sure we have confirmation, the most popular single moment.

of 50 years of Saturday Night Live, the special. A confirmation from three or four different guests. So at this point, it's a known fact that for the 50th year, it wasn't Lorne's show, it wasn't John Mulaney, all the superstars, Steve Martin. It was our own David Spade from the bleachers, spontaneously saying,

Yeah, I got a feel for it. It's kind of an honor in a way. I mean, we already got comedy podcast of the year from iHeart, and now we've got the number one line spoken. Oh, yeah. No, I'd like to hear that from the guests. That always feels good because when you go all the way out there and you want to hang out there, you just want anything, a line, anything. So I'm excited. By the way, for those of you who missed those episodes, we don't bring it up.

I certainly wouldn't out of envy and jealousy. I would never bring it up. We never bring it up. The guest brings it up and then we talk about it for a half hour, but we've never brought it up except today because someone yesterday brought it up. Oh, well, I appreciate it. And I'm, uh, I will tell you, I'm going, Heather says we went to Berger, New Jersey. Bergen. Jeez. We can't even get it right at all. I thought it was called Evan Center. Bergen Performing Arts Center. Oh, Bergen Performing Arts Center. Are you going off market? I mean, are you going into, I mean,

where you're going to town now you used to play pittsburgh chicago miami and now you're in bergen new jersey i mean no you know what i haven't done in a while pittsburgh and toronto and those two are going to be on the list to get to because when i announce tour dates all people do is say why aren't you coming to this city blah blah but i've hit a lot of them i you know i just did theo's uh

podcast the other day it's not on until may 6th because that's when the amazon special is so it's going to coordinate with that but um we laugh god i wasn't going to say about that podcast we laughed a lot he gives you high praise of course always uh dana gets it from all sides he is a really good person i'll just say that from personal experience yeah yeah

And he's running around LA now, so we're editing that. My week, oh, I did one Corpy. And Dana and I, if you don't know, we voice text each other every day a bunch of dumb stuff. We actually try to put work into this podcast. It does not seem like it, but we do. It's possible, because I never erase anything, that we would eventually release...

All of our, all of our walkie talkie chats. Cause when, when, when people in the room, like my wife and stuff or my son, they hear them, they just think they're so funny because we're just really being real. Right. Cause we don't care at all. And we don't care at all. We're just trashing the humanity. Humanity is in the crosshairs.

Yeah. The funny thing on my corporate was, I think it was for the, of course I didn't understand it, these big companies. Heather, was it the bank, the bank branding? Oh God, she doesn't know one thing. The branding banks of America, whatever. Something with banks, 2000 people in Las Vegas, a lot of fun. You know, those things where the CEO wants to say hi, all this stuff, all those things that if they're not in your deal,

You just do them. And people at home should know, there's a lot of performers that are real sticklers about that. Like, hey, the CEO has his kid here. He wants to say hi. No, that wasn't part of it. You don't want to just walk in and let the boss who's paying you be nice to him for a second while you eat some cantaloupe squares from your green room. Some rider. Yeah. So anyway, by the way, that guy was cool.

And his kid was nice. And we had a good show. Supposed to do an hour. Hour's a bit heavy for these things, but...

they pay you, they want their money. I would say they don't know sometimes. You'd be able to tell if it's been a long conference. I always say, when did they get up? Well, they got up at 6 a.m. How long have they been in meetings? Nine hours. Is there an open bar? Yes. When did the open bar start? At five. When do I go on? 10. I think you're going to want a 35 at

At that point. Yeah. It's fun to see me. Then after a while, they go, fuck this dude. Let's get back. They want to go party in Vegas or something. Or sometimes you're a surprise, which is even funnier because they all start to get up from their meeting and they go, hold on. They go, oh, what? They go, we've got a guest. They're like, oh, come on. We just finished. But-

But anyway, did it. A lot of fun. And four o'clock in the afternoon. That's a rare one. I love that. What I hate is 10. I'm doing a private party where I found out that I follow a heavy metal rock band for an hour. And then I go up and they want me to do 50. Ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you enjoyed Skullfuck. Now here is Dan Garney. They're going to have the flashing light. Yeah. Please put the fireworks out. Thank you for enjoying Twisted Pussy. Here we go. We've got one more quick performer. He's going to do an hour 10. Yeah. Fuck you. They're ordering drinks to a blow. And then I come out. Well, that's.

Hey, hi. And I get to stand here on just that one line. Who has a green car? You know what's funny? I'll tell you this. Last night at Comedy Magic, because there's a lot of people who do crowd work. Was there magic? No magic last night. And it's funny because they always usually have a magician. I think because I had Bobby and Jeff Cesario. All right. So no magic.

No, Matt, you don't. So the crowd's in a bad mood already. The crowds, if you do crowd work, one funny trick that comics do, have you ever seen this maneuver? Like they go, hey, how many kids you have? And they go, two. They say some normal answer. And then the guy goes, oh, and he has no joke. So he goes, the other night, this lady said she had nine. And I was like, blah, blah. And he says a joke. And I'm like,

Are you referring to another night when you said an ad lib that was funny in that scenario and repeating it? And you're like, yeah. It's called the pivot. It's a good pivot, right? I want to go back two weeks where I had a better ad lib. Off the top of your head, how many kids you got? Two. What would be the most reasonable ad lib that you'd get a laugh on? Just that. It's not a great setup.

Well, I think I would, if you're a good crowd work guy, you go, what is the most common answer? And I'll think of a joke ahead of time. Well, I have one. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, I'm here. How many kids you got? Two. So your husband enjoyed his vasectomy. Fuck. So you got your tubes tied. Yeah. So you got one from each nut. I guess you're done. So I didn't get my tubes tied. All right. Fire three.

So, okay. What if I have four kids, four kids? Okay. You're one shy of a basketball team. So I say get risky. You've got a full game of pickleball. I have, we have seven kids. We have seven kids. David Spade. Oh, what team in the NBA are you on? We have seven kids. What are you fucking nuts? Yeah, dude, this guy is jizzing folks and it's landing. Yeah.

This guy is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of sperm. Yeah, I find my way to the egg. It's not a problem for me. Here we go swimming through the water. This guy got seven Yahtzees.

Okay. But the good one is you go with a couple and they're not married. They're just dating the first awkward laughs, awkward laughs. And what do you do for a living? I'm a student. Oh, so you're unemployed or, Oh, you're broke. There's, you know,

Or you say, go ahead. No, we've said this before, but it is illustrative when we're on this topic. The most popular put-down in the 80s versus the most popular put-down in the last five years. Most popular put-down in the 80s, someone heckles you, hey, man, I don't come to Jack in the Box when you're working. Huge laugh. Today, I don't come to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth.

Well, that's the difference in the culture. Yeah. Yeah. It used to be, I don't come to McDonald's and knock the broom out of your hand. You never heard that? That was what I used to hear. I don't come to McDonald's and swag a milkshake out of your mouth. I don't pull you away from the milkshake machine. Well, do you ever have a bid on how many hamburgers they sold? Cause there were a lot of people doing that. Oh, it was 1 billion for a while. They used to announce it on the,

I think they went, you know, a hundred million and they got to a billion. And I think eventually they just go billions and billions. No. And then they said, we've sold a shitload. Believe this. Believe me. Trust me. The golden arches are actually made of diamonds. Yeah.

Well, I know we're going to talk about topics, but I don't think the topic of the movie news about the rumor of the bodyguard. I don't think we're going to talk about that. But I heard that. And I was going to ask you if the movie, the bodyguard, you've heard of it.

I know a lot about Whitney Houston. I worked the director who directed the body. Oh, that's right. Mick Jackson. So I know a lot about the bodyguard. Okay. So what would you say if you heard it was going to be Taylor Swift in a remake? That's not a bad pick. Yeah. Super famous. I got a feeling my blink on that is that she would actually be a really good actress and she'd be good in it.

Because Whitney wasn't an actress, was she? No, but, you know, Costner is extremely talented and really smart. And I think that he made her... So he was, you know, the de facto co-director. He's Costner. You know, he directed Dances with Wolves. And I think he...

Made her good. I mean, if you're on a movie where the director shits on you or there's 3,000 takes, but if you're with Costner and goes, no, just do this, do this. I mean, she was great in that movie. Or he's trying to make himself look good and you look bad. A lot of, you know, there's people that they're starring and directing. You never know what you're getting, but. Yeah. If I was, if we were in a movie together, I'd be your, you know, I'd be your Costner and you'd be the Whitney Houston. I'd be like, David, I'll just be, look, I talk like this. Just natural. You don't have to push, you know? Yeah. And you would be great.

And you'd carry me out of every scene. I accept it. I go, yeah, thank you. It's more fun to go with it. Sneaky condescension. Yeah. You'd be like, David, the reason I have all the jokes in the scene, you know, it's just too hard to explain. Let's just do it. Well, let's fantasize for a second. What would be the two best leads for remake of The Bodyguard, man and woman? Okay. So if it's Taylor Swift, which I heard the rumor.

And the rumor was the director was the director of her eras tour, which I don't know if that's a smart idea, but there's probably better directors for story. Maybe Michael B. Jordan. He's maybe Ryan Gosling, Chris Pratt and Katy Perry. Done.

Wait. Oh, you're switching it. Okay. Katy Perry, but she's still shaking from her space trip. I'm going to do a... I'm going to talk about the spaceship. Okay, we're almost there. I've worked on it for seven hours. It's so fucking great. It's so fantastic. Okay, well, hurry up through the bodyguard so we can talk about it. Well, I heard...

Should we finish the bodyguard? Yeah, we got it. We just cast it. It's done. Ryan Gosling's not a bad choice. That guy's great. So go ahead. So this has been trending a little long. We're just going to put it to rest here. We're at the tail end of it. I heard a rumor. It's gotten so big. You know, the idea that a lot of it was faked. A lot of people feel it wasn't quite real. Who was really in the spaceship? So

So I heard a rumor that they're going to have a Senate committee investigate it. Oh, wow. Okay, here we go. Now, you, Ms. Gayle King, now, you and some folks supposedly went on a spaceship. Is that correct? Yes. Yes, we did. Uh-huh. And you were afraid of going on that spaceship, weren't you, Ms. King? Sure. A little bit. Now...

Now, your best friend is Oprah Winfrey. Is that correct? She's my, yes, friend in quotes. Now, she tweeted, and by the way, I have no B in my bonnet over this. I don't have an apple up my tush. I'm just trying to get to the essence here. Now, your best friend tweeted a week ago Tuesday that my friend Gayle King is going into space, wink, wink.

What are you supposed to mean by that? Her words, not mine. Wink, wink. You didn't go into space, did you? Order, order. You never were in that spaceship, were you? Did you say order, order? Order, order. You never went up there. It was all fake. Oh, people are yelling? Hey, come on. You had a double goodness committee. Sir, sir, Mr. Kennedy. I'm sorry, my time's up. I didn't mean to disturb you.

Okay. And scene. Patrick can jump cut that. That's good. Maybe the wink is more like she's your girlfriend. Right. But you're like the friend that's a girl. Well, why would she say she's going up to space and wink, wink, she's my girlfriend? Why did, did she really say that? I don't know. I made everything up. Oh, I like it. But there was a fake hand and, you know. You know, I will say that that whole idea sounded like

Everyone was, you know, not coked up, but it sounds like an idea that you would do in college and you're wasted and you go, hey, what?

Do we still, hey Jeff, do we still have that old spaceship in the backyard? And he's like, yeah, why? Well, we should brush the cobwebs off. Could it get a couple hundred feet in the air? I'm sure it could. Let's make a national story out of it. Well, here's how it happened, David. Okay, let me know. I don't know how. Now, sleight of hand. They're getting ready. They're going. They got their jumpsuits on, this and that. Now, one by one, looks like they're going on, but they're actually ducking around. There's a trap door. Oh, okay. There you go.

safely underground and they're like a hundred yards away in the tunnel. They have the dummies are put up there. They're popped up by remote. Okay. So,

They have a little anti-gravity thing in their little thing that they get in, but they never go up into outer space. That's their other shot. There's a little TV studio. Maybe they filmed it first. They filmed their anti-gravity stuff. That's better too. Yeah. But there's no way they went in outer space. Oh, wow. Were they not supposed to go? They're not going to the Van Allen Belt.

The one I couldn't remember the other day. Wink, wink. I know it now, motherfucker. Here's the thing. Now, the first people that went on that rocket, I'm doing Kennedy again, probably were a little more serious because when they do rockets, the first 10 usually blow up. Then they had five successful ones. Let's put a dude in it or a woman. So by the time they went up, it was kind of like party time.

And then everyone shit on them, but it was just gals having fun. I do have to say, I have two things to say. I want to hear it both. They're both very important. One is...

I know it's girl power and they say women went up. But at a certain point, if we're all supposed to be equal, just say five people went up. We always separate people. And it should be just like, hey, they're good. They're smart. They can get up there. That's fun. I don't think they should consider it such a victory. We did what the boys did because there are female astronauts. Absolutely. And also, when Elon saved those...

No one cared about that. And even the female astronaut that was up there for nine months got about two seconds of airtime. No one gave a fat fuck about her because she wasn't a model, but she did do a lot and she did go through a lot. And that's a, that's a really interesting story. The hell out of you. And she was up there banging around that tin can. So she's a very interesting woman that should get some award for something. But listen, these, these women went up, had fun. I don't even know how it started or why it started, but it,

It was a really, really big story, if not only on TikTok. It visited us on the podcast because Carol Leifer was doing a show. Okay, so it's three women. And then all of a sudden they go, ladies, comedy night out or whatever the name was.

But if you, me, and Theo go out and do a stand-up, they go, boys night out. Here they go. Yeah, right. But more than half the population is women. So we want to change it. Yeah, they're doing a lot. And the jokes were so pretty funny. That's why we're at the tail end of it. But some of the stuff I heard on just reading and Instagram –

Everyone was clowning on it. And then they're getting clowned on for clowning on it. Yeah. It's all hysterical. It's all hysterical. It was mild amusement for the culture in the tumultuous times we will perennially live in. So anyway. It was nothing serious. It happened. It happened.

Dane, I'm a little bit of a spendy Susie. A boozy Susie and a spendy Susie. I'm more of a boozy Susie, but yeah. You are a spendy spender, yeah. And a lot of our listeners are nice enough to write in and say, you look like you drank a lot and slept on your face. But that's just constructive criticism. Well, it's very concise and you don't really drink very much, I'll tell the fans. Just puffy.

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Dana, I don't know if you've been checking your calendar, but Mother's Day is fast approaching. Sunday, the 11th of May, the day for all moms in our lives. That's a big day for them. Yeah, that's a day to show them that we care. This year, go for a gift that ignites her smile or maybe some tears. Get a special piece of jewelry from BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com, the industry leader. This is the go-to place at BlueNile.com.

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And so I'd like to see ID, please. Either they have to scan it or something, whatever. And then I'm a senior and I'm trying to find my license. And I feel like such a fucking early onset, demented idiot. I'm going, it was in here, you know, and it's like a car. It's between two credit cards and I put all the cards out. It's like, it's like the amazing Kreskin, like where the fuck is my driver? And they're looking at me like, you fucking bogus.

You're like that magician Ronnie J or somebody. So it's like a card trick. They go, you're like, it is in my wallet. And then you pull out a bunch of cards. It's going to be one of these and you lay them out.

Then you start flipping them over. Is that my wallet? No, that's not. That's my Montgomery Wards credit card. Yeah, exactly. And they really want the license. Here's my Discover card. What else? Here's my gym membership from Nautilus. Do you have a stick? This is what I do every time I hand a credit card to someone. Oh, yeah. I just found it in the parking lot and I really hope it goes through and then I kiss it.

Oh, no. I have worse sick. They laugh so hard. Do you have something? I have when the check comes and you go like this. Okay, great. Who ordered the couch? That's when it's high. Got nothing from Heather on that one. That's funny though. That's a good one. I like that. Yeah. No, and then I go like this. Oh, do you have financial aid? And then I go like this. Do you guys have a layaway? Yeah.

Okay. Can I do a layaway on this crab cake? Oh, I did hear this. Dana. What's your name? Dana. That at Coachella. Oh, yeah. That they, you know, it's getting so expensive in the whole world that this is something they're doing. Obviously, it's an expensive world. I don't know if it's a great idea to do, not layaway, but payments for concerts now. So, it's that. So, you can spend like...

$49 to get a great pass at Coachella, but you have to pay it off. Oh, here comes Heather.

Oh, no. Fire Festival 2 is postponed. Who would ever see that coming? Let me just make a note. I'm going to have to call. Yeah. When are you going to tell Paula? I'm going to call Warren Grant after this. Call our business manager and say, hey, I bought the million dollar pup tent for that one. Can you just tell him to send it back to me on Venmo? Yeah.

I think sometimes human beings like things being expensive because it seems like it's got to be better. Like, yeah, it's a $200 steak. Oh, it's got to be good. And guess what? Not so good.

Yeah, I've had some ratty shit. Yeah. Rat infested. Fatty. Gristle is one of the worst words in the English language. It's sickening. Sickening. What about when you get, I don't like Wagyu. When they go, it's the fatty meat. Don't want to say the word fatty. Is that your sales pitch? Where you go tuna, Toro.

It's the more fattier one. Sick. Get lost. I know. As if it's more flavorful. Sick. Who wants fat? No, I don't want fat. My dad would always make us eat steak. He would buy the cheapest steak you could ever get and put it in a freezer in the garage. And then you'd get it. It was just gristle and bone with a tiny bit of meat on it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Get the gristle. Same thing with the carol syrup. We couldn't afford maple syrups. We got this white see-through syrup, carol. Wow.

And the ants loved it. It was so sweet. The ants. All over it and inside of it. And he goes, I go, God, there's ants in this. He goes, oh, Jesus Christ, it's protein. These are quotes. Yeah, I believe it for sure.

Yeah. I also, ants get too high on it. They're like, what the fuck? They're not ready for it. Yeah. Even the ants are just, but he would do this. He'd get up Sunday morning. He'd pull, put so much oil in this big pan, consider himself this great chef.

He doesn't know anything. He'd have a pancake batter. He'd make the pancakes and they'd just be bubbling with oil. On the oil? Yeah, on the oil. So the first three or four batches he would call crispies because the oil would just harden and bubble over. And he got me a huge stack. I'm like six years old. He goes, oh, Jesus Christ, Dane loves the crispies, which I didn't. So I ate the crispies and then I threw up. Trying to make dad happy. So horrible. So sad.

Let's go back to Coachella because Coachella was a big deal. It's also this weekend. Is that your idea of having a good, how many outhouses would there be? I heard it was outhouse light because I saw a city council meeting yesterday. What am I watching? Where the guy was like, and it was some old women going like this, you really did us dirty. And he's like, he's from like, what's it called? Golden voice, whatever it does, all these live nation. He's like,

Hey man, couple of fucking blips. And they're like, yeah, it was 12 hours of traffic. They were stuck in. People ran out of gas. Yeah, we got some bugs, some hiccups. They always reduce it to nothing. There's no bad. She goes, there's no facilities.

And he's like, I know. Is this a local woman? Yeah, she's in Palm Springs. And she's saying, you've ruined our town. No, she's about 300. And she's like going, oh, why? You ruined our city with this shit. We had an infestation of hippies on our property. Do you know the tattoo count? And they were defecating in the backyard. They pooped on our barrel cactus. Yeah.

Yeah. There's people that, the best move is to go to the Madison Club, that really killer Mike Meldman, you know, place down there that has all the juicy houses. It's like a housing development place.

They have them all over the country and they're just so kick-ass. And you're close to Coachella so you can hear it. And what I'm hearing, Dana, and do not fucking repeat this. No, I'm recording this. Is that these girls go down there and of course they have the tra-la-la life. They get whatever. So some rich guy has the house. They go down. They stay at the house. Sometimes they don't even go to the concert. They just hear it and then just do their molly and all their drugs at the house and get wasted and take a million pictures of themselves.

I love everything. The life. I'm out there grinding.

Well, do people want to go there because it's hard to get in and it's really expensive and it's where the cool people are? Does anyone really have a good time at Coachella? Unless you have special passes, special seats, helicopters. And by the way, I just got to say, I watched Benson Boone. Is that his name? Benson the TV show? No, Benson. Heather would know. Yeah, I know. With the jumper. Yeah. He looks like he's from the 70s.

He looks like Burt Lancaster in the movie Trapeze. He's wearing like a trapeze onesie. Yeah, I saw him and he did a flip off the piano. Well, no, and he's doing he's covering he's covering Queen Bohemian Rhapsody.

And then singing the song and then doing triple flips off the piano over and over again and running and sprinting. So I had to say I was entertained. I'm like, you're taking a circus performer, giving him a really good. Yeah. So he's tumbling doing. And he did a magic trick at the end. He had to pick a card, any card as he finished. Nothing really matters. And he flipped the card and was like, no, he did not. Did he? Hmm.

Because first of all, let's start with he's good looking. I was kidding. Once you're good looking, everything's easier after that. Is he good looking? He can sing. No, he can sing. Heather, is he? Yeah. He can sing. Picking Bohemian Rhapsody, the best part was bringing the real Brian May to play guitar and no one gave a fat fuck. That was sad. Smattering of applause. People are like, who's this old guy?

I was able, I was on a Zoom with Brian Mann a couple of years ago, and I said that Bohemian Rhapsody was a full blown masterpiece of pop rock. And he's very humble about it. Oh, geez. Thank you. But he had had a little stroke. He's recovered. He comes out giant mop white hair and he just nails it. And it reminds you how brilliant his solo is.

On that song is amazing. The song is amazing. But Benson Boone has pipes. I guess he's good looking. I don't get it, but no, I'm kidding. That's a joy. And Brian May, the comments were like, who is that guy? He needs conditioner in his hair. And I was like, well, that's sort of being superficial for a superstar guitarist. It's probably voted one of the top 10 of all time.

I think he's might be underrated on those lists, but he's definitely known by everybody else as one of the greats. And, you know, everyone's forgotten, David. I know every year that goes by. If they, what percentage of Coachella would know who Johnny Carson was? Zero, one, two, zero to 1%. Yeah. So that's all right. But they do know queen because right. Queen has, we are the champions.

You know, Dana, no one asked me this, but I did do a video on YouTube for Funny or Die clowning on Coachella about 10 years ago. Oh, yeah. I remember that. You were at the table. That was funny. Yeah. Charlotte McKinney comes in and we make fun of her for attending Coachella. I would post it, but you can't repost Funny or Die. Is Funny or Die still around? I don't know. Let's look at a clip. Is it around, Heather? I don't think so.

Oh, they're on TikTok. Okay, they are because they posted clips of it like one minute clips of the whole thing. It's probably four or five minutes. Yeah. Okay, what's the next story? Are we doing stories? Yeah, what's the next one?

The panel of five judges was ready to hear his case when he asked to play a video to make his case. May it please the court, I come here today a humble proceeding for a panel of five distinguished justices. Is this, hold on, is that counsel for the case?

What it turned into was possibly the shortest career ever in a courtroom, in part because what's on the bottom right of your screen isn't a real lawyer or even a real person, but an avatar created by artificial intelligence. The judge learning of this was not pleased. I don't appreciate...

It seems like the Palm Springs Council. How do we know she's not an AI? Yeah, it's true, Dana. This whole thing is out of order. How do we know this isn't April Fool's, Joe? So an AI lawyer looked like a clean-cut guy in a sweater. He looked like Dave Coulier on Full House. Dave Coulier looked like. Uncle Joey. And that's our future. That's our future. I hate it.

If we're not rat fucked between AI and April fools, we can't win. You know what we're going to do? And I'll announce it now because it'll take time to get it together. We're going to have digital copies of ourselves. Do super of us. And the weird thing, it might be the best episode. What if they're way funnier? What if they don't stare in the camera at their hair like I do?

Okay. That was good though, Dana. I liked that one. There's other ones. I could see saying, you know what I thought that was going to be? That the court was AI so they could decide if you're guilty or not just by facts with nothing else. You know what I mean? No personal opinion. Just this happened, this happened. Here you go. Or the law is this. Boom. That might happen. Yes. I think so.

Okay. Who is this? The guy from the office? No. Okay. Speaking of which, this guy tattooed KRUD because you win $250,000 on a radio station.

So he did it on his forehead and it's huge. Yeah. Now play it. Tattooed the word K R U D on his forehead, hoping to win a $250,000 prize, but it turned out to be a thoughtless and insensitive April fool's prank. In 2021, a popular radio station named K R U D ran a contest claiming that they would reward $250,000 to the first listener who tattooed the word K R U D on their forehead.

Mr. Bell, hoping to support his financially struggling parents, jumped at the chance and got the tattoo, only to discover that it was all a hoax. So, surprisingly, the radio station had confirmed that the challenge was real when Mr. Bell phoned them just before getting the tattoo. This is the problem. He was furious at being fooled into making such a life-changing decision. Whoa.

Then he goes ahead. Mr. Bell sued the radio station for $510,000. Oh, okay. K-R-U-D, however, claimed that it was entirely Mr. Bell's fault for not recognizing the obvious prank and that the competition's terms and conditions clearly stated it was an April Fool's prank. Despite their arguments, the judge ruled in favor of Mr. Bell and he was awarded the $510,000 compensation for the prank. Wow. I agree.

I know, but you know, if you watch it, he takes out just a wet rag and just wipes it off. Oh, and he does it back to him? Do a temporary tat. Jeez. Get 510 grand. 510 grand. Must be nice. Must be nice. Do we have anyone with the bully, Greg? Oh yeah, the bully's good.

There's... Oh, yeah. This one has a surprise ending. All right. This is everyone's nightmare in school. This is Spade getting bullied. Yeah. No, actually, I do hate bullies, but go ahead. I'll just say that. Yeah. This is self-explanatory, but it's... That guy. So I guess he's bullying his kid. He's probably a teacher or something.

I think he's a dad. Oh. It's like Jason Kelsey. The way that guy walks. Yeah.

What's our world coming to? Dude, no offense. I would beat the shit out of every kid at that school. You think that was a dad? A lumbering dad? I think it was a dad that his kid got bullied and he went in to stick up for his kid. Okay. You want to do that? It's kind of chilling. Now I make you feel bad. Now I make you feel bad for him. Yeah. And then the bravery and the shenanigans of pantsing a hulking, angry adult.

But they sprinted away. But they know he can't beat them up. He can't move. I mean, the way he walked is he waddled. He's a little stiff. He played a couple of years in JV football. Anyway, I don't know if I love seeing his nutsick. No, that was the humiliating part. Maybe we can cut it out. That was like a scene in me and grownups when they made me walk up the stairs.

Okay. So, no, it's funny. If the lettuce. It's the funny part. Look at this. It's just a lot of stuff's happening that you don't see, David. You know what, Dana? You look, but you don't see. You hear, but you don't listen. You live in David world. Quick impression of you. I'm going to call. I'm going to have fun. I'm playing this city. And all the while, this life is going on outside your little spade bubble. Yeah.

You know what's funny about Koi is on Theo's, he's like, remember, I go, remember we ran into Jellyfish or whatever that guy's name is? Jellybean. And he goes, Jellybean. And he goes, yeah, we were at Koi. And I'm like, of course we were at Koi. How funny we were at Koi. We go other places. Every story comes into Koi. You and I don't go to Koi enough and I'm sad. It's got, yeah, it's good. We have fun there.

Yes, because I like it. It's nice and cool. The music's very benign. It's dark and it feels very serene. You can sit on back now. It's even quieter. Yeah. All right, next story. All right. KTLA, which I listen to sometimes, they accidentally post the N word. I'm not laughing. On X. Technical error? Twitter. Come on. What? Who's vetting this? On God's green earth. They said, here's what they said.

I think, because this is a story from LA. Okay. They just put that word and tweeted it out. Okay. But I think they said, oh, we were trying to put the words to block. You know, Heather, you had to block stuff on my Instagram once. Oh. That's in settings, posted and posted. Oh, yeah. This is posting, not settings. Yeah. So it's a little flimsy we're hearing from the audience. Anything can happen.

But yeah, either way, run from this. Just please hope the world keeps moving because I don't even know what you said. Are we going to see something taught? Well, it's hard. You get it. They just put a tweet out that just said that word and they were like, you know, like, hey, everybody. And everyone's like, huh? A news station. And they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I was, who, who, he, ha, pushed wrong keys. Yeah. Sent. Mistake, please. Yeah, they had one guy, and he has had a private room. His only thing was to vet the articles. Yeah. Well, I missed it, you know, and was, you know, thought, you know, I had a big lunch, you know, pepperonis were, you know, make me temporarily blind when I pressed the send. Temporary insanity. No, no, it's perfectly right. No. I should have, but I don't.

She's a beautiful. Okay. That's a story. Next one. Okay. You went into Owen Wilson. Well, I was going to do on Wilson shaming the guy. You got to be better with that, man. You can't do that. You got to tell him not to put out words like that. Did you know we talked about Jack Black who's on the show? Who's not on. He'll be on the show. I think it's next week. No, 2025. He'll be on in like a week, but I'll be on in a week. He can't wait.

But we were joking about how people go crazy when the chicken jockey comes out. And I told you this is real. This is a real one, Heather, when the chicken jockey comes out. They used to throw popcorn. Okay. When the chicken jockey comes out. Look what they're doing, Heather. What? They're lighting fireworks. Fireworks in a theater? In the theater. Wow. Wow.

And they're raining down on them? Yeah. People are panicked and running, screaming. Yeah.

And there's some part of the movie where it makes everyone go crazy. And now it's a joke. They all do it like Rocky horror, but they're taking it too far. Oh, you're saying this is Minecraft. Yeah. Oh. And in a certain part, everyone comes in and lights on fireworks. No, at certain part, everyone would throw popcorn. They would do that. But then this, and then a week later it's escalated to someone brought a live chicken in.

And then people on each other's shoulders, then they started throwing fireworks. When they see the chicken, they throw fireworks? Yeah, just like, here's our time to go nuts. And the police came in. We talked to Jack. It had just started. The police were like, hey, guys, don't go throw stuff. And now, oh, Heather only heard the word chicken. Oh, the word chicken got out of the coop and had fun? Chicken got out of the coop. Yeah, it was a lot to unpack. I will say this is that

The movie's a smash, but when we talked with Jack, he was just hoping it would get to 700 million. I think it's getting very close to that already. It's only been out two weekends. So I told him we'll do a billion. And if it does, I'll try to find him, get up in his grill a little bit. Under us. May 7th, he'll be on our show. I think the...

No, what I think was I thought. Are we all right? No, I forgot my train of thought because you said May 7th. You said many strokes are not conducive to talk show fodder. Oh, I was saying this sort of controversy helps a movie a lot because every dopey kid goes, oh, we got to go see this and see what people do. Actually, I'm going to bring a handful of rocks.

And then it escalates so they can get on video and film it and post it and be like, I was at that one. Well, the only thing as follows fireworks fly around and fireworks can land in someone's eye and fireworks could blind someone in the theater. And then the chain has a billion dollar lawsuit.

I know. So the movie makes a lot. The theaters bum out. They might sue the movie, too. Yeah, right. I'm sure he doesn't want this much chaos. I'm a grumpy old man, and I don't like fireworks in a movie theater. Pistol Pete. I'm trying to watch John Wayne. My day, we used to put silly putty on the cartoons.

In my day, we didn't have movie theaters. We'd make a sock puppet and make our sister laugh while it rained outside.

We light that on fire. That's a feature film. Did you ever go to a double feature? You go in at noon, you come out at six o'clock. Oh, our drive-in? Not a drive-in, two matinees in the afternoon. I did double feature in a drive-in, motherfucker. That's like a raw dog. I did all night creature features. Oh, I did not do that. All night in the drive-in watching Edgar Allan Poe, Vincent Price, old-fashioned horror films till dawn, bitch.

My brother, they know I'm the scared one of the family, hence Dandelion. And they go, hey, come with us to see the blood farmers at midnight. And I was like, that's not a scary one. They're like, no. You think from the title I might have deduced that it was scary. It was so sickening. I had to walk out and walk home at 12, Dana.

My friends and I, which I probably said before we go, Oh, what's that? We're trying to see a movie high school, but you know, 16, what's that X or who? Sisty? What we go in, we're in the third row of no, I guess the original exorcist.

Never. Had no idea. And it really just disturbed me. And I was, you know, just, I was flipped out for a long time after that. I still haven't seen it. Yeah. It's too much. I swear I haven't seen it. It's yeah. It's a, it's a brilliant film. When they bring in the devil, you know what Coachella, I have to say, and it sounds like a little bit of a pulp.

Lady Gaga, who is great, I don't think they need this extra part where they're all adding this devil worshiping, satanic rituals in their act. It's not just a quick thing. They do a whole thing. I just think it's, I would walk out. I hate to say it. Maybe I'm alone. I can't. I don't know why they do it. I don't know why it's cool. And I don't know why. If worst case scenario, it's just corny at this point. Sam Smith, it's just so like heavy and weird and

Why, why, why? Now, listen, we had ACDC and they had like a picture of a devil. Obviously in the background, what this is, we know it's out there. We just don't need it on the jumbotron. You know what I mean? Of life. Like it's in the background every time we're trying to get through life every day. Why that offends me? We don't know. I mean, I pitched you and it was a terrible idea. We did this gig recently that you were going to be in a really realistic devil costume, like a big, long,

and nails. And then I was going to be dressed the church lady and we were going to have like a battle Royale. And I know. Right, right, right. And you, you got in the costumes and you were like, I think he wants out Heather unzipped it. You came out like, I said, why am I in the bad team? And you're on the good team. Yeah.

But yeah, they want to trend. They're not superstars because they're dumb. They know that that's going to go somewhere. Devil worship. What's next, though? Hardcore porn? Right. Sacrifice. I mean, it is a slippery slope. I think so, personally. I sound like a bit of a prude. Call me old-fashioned, but I like good music when I go to a music show.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, I paid my $3,800 to sit in the 50th row. I want a good show. I've got my green wristband. I get to go to the nacho stand in the Tater Junction hut.

Let's do something. Let's get a band that just does all the Monkees songs from the 60s and call it Coachella. And it's like 40 miles away. It costs like $2 to get in. Just make a mini Coachella. Yeah, we should do a different. But Coachella is hard to compete with. It's a second weekend. They're going to do it. It's going to kill. Okay, what's the next story?

What's a busker mean again? Busker, is he selling stuff? Oh, just a street musician? Street performer. Yeah, trying to make money. All right, let's see how good this guy is. All right. I'm from Norwich. He's from Norwich. Okay. Okay. Oh, you do drums. Yeah. Tell me if this sounds...

Is that him? That's him doing it. Yeah, they're kind of invisible. It's just done by a computer. No, he's doing his mouth. Oh, okay. I can do that. Invisible drums. Here we go. That's pretty good, right? Yeah. The snare in the middle. The bongos are on the top like this. The floor toms.

He's doing a beatboxing. That's good. He's Michael Winslow. Yeah. Different noises in this drum beat to begin warming up the voice. Yeah. Hey. Hey.

Motherfucker say, huh? I'd like to know what he's got coming through that amp as far as helping out. Thank you. Yeah. Adding this sound. I can do that. He's having a seizure. Everyone's just walking by. No one gives a shit.

This song's not very catchy. All right. All right. I'm going to have to give this guy the buzzer. Yeah, let's see if Danny can do it. Shit. It's a busk off. Yeah. How about the hi-hat?

I like when they grab it. Yeah, you do sound effects. Okay, you do that. I can't do that. Just do the... It's so boring. It's so bad. It's so corny. I'm going to get an amp and do this proper. Hey, Danny, you want to be bored? This is what I... When people ask me how I slept...

I know. Some people just do it to be nice. Hey, good morning. Hey, did you sleep good? Do not even stumble into that with me. I'll go into a whole soliloquy. I'm like, oh my God. So I was so tired, first of all. And they're like, oh, are you giving a real answer? I'm like, mm-hmm. So then I'm laying there, then I'm tired. But then I realized I'm not even sleeping. And then I slept on my side. I tried to sleep on my back. And then I heard a noise. Everyone's like this, please end this. I go on forever. It's horrible.

Do you wear a mask? Are you one of those people? I have a CPAC on my wiener, yeah. And that helps you sleep? No, it just makes a noise. It just feels good. I just look at Heather. You know, Heather, about a half hour ago, you were just staring and then you look at this. And I was like, was that for us or for something you're reading? I think Heather was snoring. I think she read something and then she...

It was funny, though. All right. Well, thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening. We always appreciate it. And we'll talk to you later. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.