SUPERFLY #67 - Safe Houses & Soaking
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Yeah, Dana, I travel all over and sometimes, you know, you're on the road. Sometimes I get stuck with a hotel I don't love. And what happens is you think you see a few pictures, we look online, then you get there. And sometimes I was like, I should have tried to do an Airbnb on this one, you know? Yeah, I was on a road trip to Montana and we stopped in Winnemucca, Nevada. And Winnemucca...

There's a toddler in town. Let's just say there wasn't maybe the best choices in Winnemucca. So an Airbnb would have been a much better choice, but I still had a good time in Winnemucca. Don't want to badmouth the town. You know, people can also take their houses and make them Airbnbs. That's the other flip side of that. You know, you go stay at nice ones, but if you have a place...

It could be big or small. You know, you never know. Yeah. And while you're away, your home could be an Airbnb. Yeah. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.

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Happy conclave, Dana. Hey, man. Right as we're coming on to air, so-called, so what, at this moment, they've selected a pope and he's going to come out on the thing and the guy's making the audience wait. So first of all, we know he's a procrastinator. Second of all, total rumor, total rumor that he wanted a bigger hat.

No. Yeah. He had a bat and he goes, is there a bigger hat?

A bigger hat. Wow. I heard he was coming out because I heard, y'all ready for this? Y'all ready for this? Hey, by the way, there's different types of people from all over the world, African, Philippines, that are in the running. So, you know, I put your name in just as kind of a joke, but I think you made it in the final 10. No, listen, I just heard them saying,

Is it going to be progressive, conservative? Or they said they're also looking for a bit of charisma. I was like, are they though? I've never really seen a Pope that really jumps off the page. I mean, what are they looking for? It's a subtle definition. I think charisma is the part. But it's great. As a mature adult, as a kid, I would judge Pope.

pomp and circumstance look at this fucking joke whether it's a country or flags or everything and now i kind of go yeah it's necessary it is what it is everyone dresses up it's like the inaugural thing and you know so it really is it looked like lady gaga in brazil she got 1.8 million people

I know, wasn't that, wasn't that, half the crowd hated her, which is weird. That's a lot of hate, I could tell you that. A lot of them that were there for Nate Borghese. Did you ever see the comedy team Pomp and Circumstance in Vegas? No, that's not a real one, is it? Yeah, yeah, Pomp and Circumstance. They played the Frontier Hotel, I think, in the 60s. I think they opened for Shields and Yarnell. Shields and Yarnell, uh-oh, name drop alert. Woo, woo, woo. Good deej. Woo.

That doesn't count. Sorry, judges, name drop? No, it doesn't count. No, not enough people knew who they were. I know. Sheldon Arnault did a robot. They were back with Donny and Marie. Go ahead. Donny and Marie. Yeah, Donny, I noticed. So I was in Las Vegas. City drop. I was in Vegas. And Donny is going out without Marie. Thoughts?

Donnie and Friends? Yeah, that's a tough one because Donnie Murray was there. That was a staple forever. 20 years, four shows a day. I don't know how anyone does it. I mean, Carrot Top every time. He goes to the stratosphere every day and just thinks of jumping off. Just hangs out up there. Just kidding. I know Carrot Top. No, you know about Donnie Murray. I don't know if you know this because a lot of people don't. But she's a little bit country and he's a little bit rock and roll.

I'm a little bit country. I'm a little bit rock and roll. That's their hit. I didn't know they had another one. Together you get rock and rock and country. Okay, here's a name drop. Mm-hmm.

Now we're just mentioning this every second. It's supposed to be a surprise. Sorry. It's supposed to be a funny bit. Yeah, editing capability. It'll be funny. I got a little excited. So I got signed to an NBC holding deal in 1980. I'll make this quick. And one of the first jobs I got was to be a reoccurring regular on the Marie Osmond Variety Show. So that was my thing before SNL. Actually, Gavin McCloud was the guest host. But anyway, Marie's on stage.

And I come out like I'm the janitor and I interrupt her. This is a big TV studio. This is what they brainstormed for you after seeing your act. And I interrupt her. I had a whole new deal with NBC. Ridiculous. But anyway, I said, hi, we're friends. Would you like to get a cup of coffee? And Mormons don't drink coffee. So they had to shut tape, start again, don't ever mention Folgers. Oh, my God. Were you ad-libbing?

I was ad-libbing, but I will say this. She was absolutely adorable, delightful. The only thing that happened that a little weird, she did a duet with Jeff Conway from Taxi, God rest his soul, but they stopped singing and then they kissed and kept holding the kiss. So all the Osmonds came from, I didn't know there was 45 Osmonds coming out going Maria, Maria.

maria maria so that's my story about maria osmond but i remember that i was watching and i was with my mom and i was a little kid and i'm like they're kissing and then i go now they're soaking it was in tape and burping it's probably on six months later i call bullshit on that you know we were in the audience and i go why are they soaking you know what that is dana it's a i do it's a thing

It's a thing we're going to look up later and you're not going to like it. I know it's not good. I know it's naughty and it's not nice. Dana, stay innocent. That's why I like you because you're innocent and sweet and you don't know about soaking. Well, I hate all these new things. We had stuff like that. The guy's a spaz or this and that or they're getting down. Now it's like they're doing a spoozle-woozle. I don't –

The worst thing we had was finger blast. By the way, this- Don't by the way me on that one. I throw that in. By the way, the noise you hear out front is someone, obviously no one cares about construction.

I'm building a third pantry. It's also going to be a safe house. I'm going to go in there. I'll eat crackers. Wait a minute. Hold on. I know you're joking because that's your stock and trade, but I love safe houses. Jerry Bruckheimer, once I went to his beach house once, he goes, you want to see it? See what? The safe house.

And it was awesome. It was in the bathroom, but it's just fucking sandcastle. So I think you should have sandcastle. But no starfish ever penetrated the exterior. He had it in Malibu on the beach in his house. It was just like, so there's alarms. What do you do? Stand your ground, get a gun. You go in the safe house. It's impenetrable. You call, you have hors d'oeuvres.

You put a pizza in the oven. So the one thing I did see, cause Brad Pitt had a,

I paused for the name drop. Had a party once and his door, this is where I get this idea, to his bedroom. This is personal, I guess, but this is so smart. Yeah. Instead of a safe house, he had the doors were sort of made of steel, like very heavy doors and then a bar across them when you go to sleep at night. And so that's what I do. No joke. Because- No joke. Now, if someone comes in, I don't get as scared because I go, they still have to get in here.

And they can't. And so I get, I've got a couple, you know, next to the bed. So it will be, they will be hit up if they come in. It's the price of fame. I know. I think you think you're famous if you start thinking about safe houses. Yeah. I won't say a location, but where I am. Is this your safe house? Well, we don't lock the doors. Yeah.

At night. Oh, where you live. Yes. We don't lock the doors. Although I insisted on having a lock on that door because it still goes through your head. The last thing, there's a lot of things you don't want in life. You don't want to be audited. You don't want to get a whatever, but you never want to wake up.

And see someone you don't recognize standing at the foot of your bed looking at you. The most I had before this was a circle doorknobs with a little push button in it. And then that means it's locked. Right. But I guess those are easy to penetrate. So anyway, I'll get back. First of all, this conclave traffic around my house is crazy today. And you know what? I hope it starts to go away. Because you were in the top 10. Yeah.

Yeah, just in general, that sounds like a Kevin Nealon joke. Guys, this is conclave traffic. But they're building next to me. I've got a little skinny street in this crummy ass neighborhood. And they start putting a green fence on every house. And I go, oh, no, no. That means green fence equals two years of building.

Oh, yeah. Hidden. You know, trucks, cement. They have a big drill bit today. They're putting casings in. Anyway, poor me, poor me. Other than that, I have to go over a few things with you. I have a few things, too. We have a lot of stuff. Let's start with you. We'll go back and forth. If the Pope...

My wife Paula is going to text me if the Pope comes out. So we'll be able to at least... What if we went live? That'd be fun. We'd watch it. Yeah, we could at least... You could text it live or Heather could. Superfly congratulates the new Pope, Trini Lopez Jr. Right. You know what? We should ask every Pope that's in the running to be on right now on Superfly and they'll be flattered. And then if the one that wins...

I go, you already said yes, you're coming. That's a good strategy, isn't it? Right. We'd be the very first to invite him to our podcast. Okay, let's do that. When I get the message, we'll get the name, have Heather blast it out since we're working. Yeah, I'll DM him and I'll say, hey, man,

don't try to big time us now that you're Pope. When you were Bishop, you were like, deal with the bull, but now don't. Can I say this for reals without any background on it? Cardinal Sean O'Malley is a personal friend of mine and he's there. He's on TV. He's a Cardinal.

And he's- And what does that mean? What ranking is that? There's about 135 cardinals. And they're kind of like, usually that's where they pick a pope from the cardinals. Usually you're a cardinal. Next up is the pope. What's a bishop?

A bishop? Well, king to knights. What are we playing? Chess? Jesus Christ. What's a rook? What's a rook? I'm not sure the whole thing. I mean, there's Franciscans, there's bishops. It's a global ecosystem of provinces and things.

You being a lapsed Presbyterian wouldn't know. What's with the raspberry? I just think it's funny that that was a description of me. Okay, in movie news, two things. First one, I did go see The Accountant with Ben Affleck. Okay. I can tell you it's The Accountant 2. The Accountant 2, yes.

Twice the guns, twice the autism. I don't know if you know the theme of the account. Yeah, he's kind of on the spectrum. Yeah. Yeah, and he's... He's not on it. He's in the middle of it now. He's in the middle of the spectrum. Yeah, because I think he upped it a bit in this one because the first one, it took me about 20 minutes to go,

He's moving a little stiff. Whatever choices were like, this is what this means. Right, they took it a little Rain Man-y. Yeah, like, hey, you want my lunch bag? And he pulls it away, and you're like, okay, something's going on. But then now, he's barely functioning. But it's actually a good movie. I'll say that. He's a nice guy. I'll just say real quickly. I do like Ben Affleck. I've met Ben Affleck. You're waiting? We got to put these...

Sound effects and we drop a name. That's what we're doing. This is funny. Okay. You'll see it later. And you'll be like, oh my God. That's truth. I did meet him. He's a hell of a nice guy. Go ahead.

I do not know him well, but I do like him. Okay, so the other thing was we have Jack Black on our sister podcast, The Final War, right now. Oh, I loved hanging out with Jack Black on The Final War. And Jack Black, you talked to him about his movie. You talked to him, and you were predicting numbers, and I have some numbers for you. Oh, good, good, because I think I blew his mind, and then he predicted several hundred million below me, or that was his hope. So what are the current numbers? It's still creeping up.

I think you said locally, domestically, maybe 300 and then international total would be a billion. That's what I said. International. I said impossible. I guaranteed him that he was hoping for.

700 international, which is a phenomenally huge number. The whole world, 700. By any way, shape, or form. Yeah, great. He is at 400 locally, domestically. He's at 480 international for a total of 880. So he's already past his. He's getting very close to Dana's prediction. And I can't see him not getting there. I think...

It's going to have a B after it. Jack Black is a winner. He doesn't go down for nobody, man. So that guy's going to – because that's a billion-dollar talent right there, Jack Black. Listen, he's been on the map, and these are little game changers. I mean, there are very few in the movie biz. I think Nikki Glaser had a good one. You've been in the business for a long time. She goes out and does the roast, jacks her through the roof, and then she does the Golden Globes, crushes it.

Even, even more. I see the theater she's playing in it instead of one night, she went three nights. It's like filling them all up. It's great.

It's fun. We're mature adults and we love our younger friends. And when they go on that journey, you know, you see it happening with Nikki. It's delightful. Nikki's like my granddaughter. Well, that's a cute little girl, I'll tell you. No, but what can we go on and crush so we can play stadiums? No, you never know. I think just longevity is a very tough,

thing to do and it doesn't mess with your head as much you're just scratching and scraping to stay somewhat in show business Chris Rock always says there's another one wisdom alert wisdom alert because Chris Rock says Spade the wrong missy is one of the biggest hits ever on Netflix and I said I can't believe it he goes it will buy you six months in show business that's it then they go where's the next one

So that's the world everyone's facing. So it's very tough, but we have some friends who are doing great, and it is hard to keep clinging on. Nate Bregazzi was on our podcast. Bregazzi's on the roll. Nicky Glazer. Bert Kreischner we had. Tom Segura. I will tell you, I did see Nate on my trip. I just took a trip to do some talk shows. You can't hear this beeping behind me, I hope. We did hear it. Do you really hear it? Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's in my living room. These people, Heather, go out there and throw rocks at them again. It's every hour on the hour. Wind up this time. Go ahead. M80s, half sticks. So, oh, I'm on my plane and I'm talking to Heather. And then when I finished talking politely, I get a little tug. It's Halle Berry. Halle Berry, who we all love.

Of course. Everyone universally loves Halle Berry. And she always throws me a crumb and talks to me if I run into her. She was on her way to the Met and then the Cannes Film Festival where she was going to be a juror. It's a tough word. Juror. A juror? Yeah, she's going to be a juror. Well, not in Los Angeles County. At Cannes. Yeah, Cannes. She's going to be a juror. She's not on the Menendez case. She's in France. Three times in a row fast. Go. Go.

Got it. How about jur? Is it the O? Jur or? Jur-er. I think it's a jur. Jur-er. Jur-er. Jur-er. I like just jur-er. Yeah. It's like Ben-her. Your honor, this jur-er here. Can jur-er number one stand up?

This truck, I don't even know if this truck can go forward. You hear the beeps? Listen, all I'm saying is, are you wearing protective gear? Because I'm seeing a Mac just coming into the frame. Because they're coming through this green wall. They're coming through that wall. Okay, in other news, I will tell you. I was on Theo's podcast. I wanted to apologize because he said a funny joke. We were promoting the Amazon special that's on right now. Theo does a lot of funny, but they're not really jokes. They're like Theo. No, he does funny statements. Yes. Yes.

I think we were just discussing that his third grade teacher was an ocelot that had no ribs. But anyway, he did a joke. And in the YouTube comments, they go, hey, you missed Theo's joke. And now I heard it. I don't know. You know, we talk sometimes. We talk over each other. Right. I didn't hear it. And tell me if you don't think this is a good one. Okay. Colin Kaepernick came up and he goes more like throws a parks.

The Rose of Parks is 10 out of 10 in my estimation. And I didn't even hear it. No, that's a great pun. Isn't it a great joke? People don't. Kaepernick was a great quarterback and Rosa Parks.

rode on a bus rosa parks in the 1950s to just apply segregation both with the african-american movement and pushing that's a brilliant pun isn't that just out of the blue i was like oh my god and i missed it anyway apologies to theo uh that and that's it i did kelly and uh regis and uh kathy lee and um

I want to go, where's Regis? Would they get mad if I walked out? Where's Regis? Anyway, you ready for this? This is Regis Philman as an astronaut. Houston, can you believe it? I'm out of control! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I love Regis. I miss Regis. I'm talking to ground control. I walked out of that show and went out in New York City and all the construction guys going, hey, yo, Regis. Just being Regis. Sunny, beautiful New York day. Hey, Regis. He goes, can you believe it? They love me, kid. I can't believe it. Everybody here loves the Regis. I'm telling you. They really do. It's a little bit of Trump, so people know. It is a little Trumpy, but I like it. I like it.

Yes. It's a little Trumpy. That's the problem is that when I first learned Trump, I went from Brando to Regis. That's how I got it. But if you're picturing each one, it all works. Totally. And it's fine. Yeah. You're brilliant. Honestly, no joke. Okay. So that and no, those are great. Oh, y'all, you got a lot of compliments on the Larry David on Fly on the Wall where...

you were doing a lot of impressions and just saying funny things. And Larry was having a crack up. Literally, this is the way, and I said another thing, Bill Hader and Conan were on their podcast, Conan's podcast, talking about how they do some of my off-label bits for, which I thought was flattering. I didn't mind at all. I thought it was great. So I said, I'll do it for him. And then I met a human being because Larry David, you know, I didn't know him really. I met him once at a club, but you see him on Curb,

And he's actually, he's not that guy exactly. That is sort of maybe who he wants to be. But I'd never met anyone with that kind of sense of humor. I mean, I wish we had video on it. Heather took a little video. So that's why I said, oh, he, because his whole thing is never say yes when you're going to go on talk shows. Why am I here? Never say yes. And it's kind of a joke, but sort of real. So that was fun. Yeah.

Yeah, I think when he sat down, I said, Larry, I know you don't want to be here. We don't want you here, but let's just do this. And we don't want to be here. Yeah, we all don't want to be here. Let's just do it. And he was quite funny, quite loose for being a big star with a lot of money. He was really giving up laughs and that's always fun. Charming, has no ego. The only two things I want to ask him. He says funny things.

When was the first time you knew this is how you're going to make a living? Because I don't think he started stand-up until he was 30. We missed that and all the frivolity. And then I was just curious, like, what does he consume? Like movies, books, television? You know, because Jerry, you watch movies. Oh! No! No! He laughs so hard. He liked your Jerry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because it was just one word. But anyway. But anyway, okay. Well, anything else, and then we'll get to some stupid clips that we show. Okay.

- Dane, I'm a little bit of a spendy Susie. - A boozy Susie and a spendy Susie. - I'm more of a boozy Susie, but yeah. - You are a spendy spender, yeah. - And a lot of our listeners are nice enough to write in and say, "You look like you drank a lot and slept on your face." But that's just constructive criticism. - Well, it's very concise.

And you don't really drink very much, I'll tell the fans. No, just puffy. This is where Klarna comes in. Klarna is your everyday smarter spending partner, which is what a lot of people need. A lot of my friends definitely need it.

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With BuzzBall. Please, you're responsible. BuzzBall is available in spirit, wine, and malt. 15% alcohol by volume. BuzzBall's LLC, Carrollton, Texas. Let's see. I have, well, this I just have to do because I think it's Trump outdid himself with his funniness this week. He's at a, because, you know, I don't always report on him because it's not, you know, how do you talk? How does Trump top Trump? So then he goes off on Alcatraz because he wants to make it. It's a tourist attraction since 1963.

and he's just going on and on, you know, they can't escape and everybody loves Alcatraz. It's a tough place. I'll tell you that Al Capone, there is Clint Eastwood was the only one to escape. Many people don't know this, but you know, Paul Newman escaped Kulan Luke. You remember that they had it, but we're going to bring it back. We're going to bring back Alcatraz. It's, and then he said something like, it's scary. It's a scary place. Law and order. It's also sort of a weird place. It's a,

It's a weak place in many ways. I didn't even know what he was talking about. What is he talking about? It's a weak place. It's a strong place. We're going to make it bigger and more beautiful than ever. And he started just talking about the only guy trying to escape. This is the exact quote. They found his clothes, and they were all torn up, and there were a lot of shark bites. There were shark bites. Oh, they bite you. Yeah.

I didn't know what that meant. The guy tried to escape. They found his tattered clothes and they found shark bites on the clothes. Yeah. He got eaten in the shark, shark clothes floated to the shore. Actually show that picture again, because when you look at the people that were in there and tried to escape, one of them is machine gun Kelly and everyone thinks it's the rapper. And they're like, no, that's that name was taken from a,

Someone else named – there was a real Machine Gun Kelly, right? Right. A real Machine Gun Kelly, Al Capone. They all went in there. They all tried to escape, but there were a lot of – It was in the comments on the side, but you know, it's okay. They get it. I had a flight of fancy after I – because I was thinking Biden to –

To Trump. Forget politics. Just stylistically, it's been a little exciting for everybody. So the way America goes, it goes like this. That's why Jimmy Carter followed Nixon. So the next president is going to be the most benign. And this is what I've called him. This is my impression of our next president. I'm Brian.

I'm President Brian. Listen to the calm of my voice. Feels good, doesn't it? I shall never mumble or scream. I shall just be Brian. President Brian. Now, David, breathe in the Brian.

Hold the Brian. Release the Brian. This message paid for for AI Brian for president. That is a little how. Yeah, I'm President Brian. I like it because I think that might... I don't think that'll happen this time. I think there's some truthiness to that. But it will...

He met with the Canada guy. Did that go well? I didn't even see it. They said Canada guy. It wasn't as bad as Zelinsky. He did kept saying, we're going to take it. You know, it'd be a great little state. And the Canadian guy was very serious going, Canada is not for sale, eh?

Well, never say never, never say never. You know, it's like they're with a ruler. They put a big thing. These are direct quotes across the border, and it's a beautiful shape, and we could do it. We're still going to do it. And the guy's sitting there red-faced. He's honoring Canada. He's representing Canada. And Trump's just going, no, we'll get you. It's like that Robert Redford movie where he tries to buy Woody Harrelson's wife. He's so rich, and he's like, we're going to take your wife away.

It was called Indecent Proposal. And he goes, Woody goes, oh, she's not for sale. He goes, yeah. Well, anyway, I'm going to take her. I'm going to give her a million dollars. And he's like, no, no. We have a great marriage. And then she starts going, well, maybe for a million. And it gets all messy. I'll tell you that. I saw that movie. It was depressing because Woody Harrelson's character was crying and sobbing.

All right, here, news flash in the middle of our podcast. And I have one more thing to talk about. No, it's not conclave related, is it? Oh, it is. New Pope, Robert Francis Prevost. P-R-E-V-O-S-T. Oh, my God. I just won 200. An American. Trump's going to be happy. Is that good? What are they usually? Oh, well, you know, they're Italian or they're Polish. It'll be Pope Leo XIV.

Trump's going to love that. We got an American pope. We're going to take over the Vatican. We're going to remodel it. We're going to do a beautiful job. We're going to make it U.S. territory. Okay, here's my final thing.

Bill Gates announced that this is the quote he or from Daily Mail. He's snubbing his kids. He's giving away 99 percent of his money. He's snubbing the kids.

But what's left in the 1% is $1.6 billion. He has three kids. They'll get $550 million each. And that's called... Rip off. And his oldest son said, bunch of fucking bullshit, man. Yeah, why are you trying to rat fuck me? Bunch of fucking 500 million. 500 million? Dude, I can go to Coachella maybe once. Yes. I can go to Air One twice. Yeah.

He has six private jets, two Gulfstreams, two Bombardier Challenges, but he's terrified of climate change. So what he does is he has a company called Direct Air Capture. So they suck this... They suck the CO2 out of the sky. First off, so I can fly jets anywhere I want. My company sucks the C2O out of the sky. They're investing in chemtrails. Let's be honest. I mean...

Oh, yeah. Well, listen, bless his heart. Six jets. I wish. I wish. Well, it's kind of like Al Gore is the original because he is like the pope of climate change. Yeah. And he, you know, and he buys offsets. I buy offsets on my private jet. So they plant a tree and that sucks the Theo that I put in.

And the reporter said, well, can't you just fly Southwest and still pay to plant the tree? Yeah. And he said, quote, well, that doesn't sound like so much fun. Yeah, it does not. I'm on Southwest a lot. It's not that fun. I flew Southwest. I kind of liked it.

I bring a tree to the private jet airport and I go, can I jump on if I hold this tree and we'll cancel each other out? I carry a flower on the private jet, swish it around. Anyway, that's all I got for you today. This has been Dana Talks with my guest, David Spade. Myself? I just muted myself. You muted yourself. I haven't muted the whole time, I hope. Okay, more stories. We got time.

We did good. That's good. We're doing great. I'm having fun. That's all I go by. You're doing great, sweetie. Okay. Do you remember the Carol Burnett show? That's what I think Chris Jenner says. You're doing great, sweetie. That's funny. This is Carol Burnett show, which I grew up watching sitting in front of the TV as a little tyke. But this should be what, do you have a question, Heather?

Oh, what was it? Oh, what is it? Tell your story. Oh yeah, that's right. Oh, we'll send the show the video. Oh, I, I I'll tell the, I'll do Carol Burnett first.

Yeah, you're right. I'll tell you. Yeah, you're right. That is funny. So, we'll quickly – Carol Burnett's show was interesting because I don't think they do it anymore. They take questions. So, she took questions at the beginning. You remember this? And this lady has a great delivery, but you never know what you're getting. I feel like this is all real back then. Like no one was a plant. No. No.

And they used to make her scream this Tarzan scream. But other than that, the question, this is an interesting question I saw. I thought it was funny. Crowd word. Here we go. What kind of soap do they use to clean the floor? Okay, so Carol Burnett is laughing. So that's actually a good, interesting question. Yeah. Very specific. I think that's a little personal. Okay.

Good answer. It's a cute housewife. They have vinyl cleaner. Vinyl cleaner? Do you want to tell the lady what it is? Do you have a vinyl floor at home you want to clean? Is that it? Yeah. Where is it? In the bathroom or the kitchen? All over. You have vinyl all over your house. It's a great answer. All right. That was a good. That's cute, right? That's it.

That was, yeah, go ahead. I've, I've met Carol Burnett and I was doing the Larry Sanders show and she was on next and I was leaving and she came through the door. We're in the side of the studio and it was so flattering for me at that time. It was a thrill. She just put her arms out and said, Dana, it's always amazing when your idols, one of your idols,

knows your name. I know. I ran into her at the Beverly center. And she said, Dana. I was going to say, Oh, I jumped you. Sorry. No, it's funny. She goes, Dana. And then she went up to the guy that runs the elevator and goes, Dana. No, she is a legend. And that term is thrown around. And I'll just say this for 30 seconds. Cause we don't talk about her. We'd love to have her on the podcast. She's still sharp for his attack.

Somebody who gets Harvey Korman and Tim Conway as your sidekicks is very secure. The reason the show is great is because she could share the stage and then be brilliant herself. Even that, her doing this crowd work and laughing and someone says it.

like three jokes in a row yeah and she just laughs at him well tim conway would just destroy them he'd have secret things planted for the real kind of their in in the real hollywood she would have him fired immediately yeah anyone get the lens they they wouldn't come back after summer if they were you you kill like that in front of the star bye bye yeah yeah but she we can say you know dick van dyke i'd like to talk to on here too sometime just to hear the whole history of

his life. He's, he's sort of a, um, I watched, uh, uh, what's it in the night at the museum with Ben, Ben, was he in it? Yeah. And Dick Van Dyke was in there with Mickey Rooney and they were hysterical, especially Mickey Rooney. And the movie is just holds up. It's just a great, fun idea. Ben Stiller is so good at playing the reactive straight man that, that then turns and gets kind of snarky. That's a fun part. If you can do it right. The straight man is very important.

And then he's really funny. What are you going to do? You know, he's got, they create a, such an underdog. And then, so it's a great, he does severance, which is a whole different. Now he's turning into Stanley Kubrick or something, you know, he's directing. So people fucking back on and talk about seven. Oh yeah. We should talk about that. You're right. Yeah. Ben. Okay. So he's, we get guests mostly. It's just, I just heard on the podcast. So do you want me to come on? We're like, yeah. All right. What's the next stupid story?

That's never a Q. And then I want to hear your road story. Oh, yeah. This is. Go ahead and read it. So this guy's a Palm Springs career panhandler. Oh. And he's good looking. So someone filmed him and said, this guy should model. So someone contacted him and he said, I don't want to model. Leave me alone. I want to do this. So here's his story.

- Professional panhandler patrols the streets of Palm Springs. He's going viral now for two reasons. - One for his chiseled good looks, they say. Another for his bold and shameless stance on the way he makes his money. - Yeah, that's Brad Love. He describes himself as a career panhandler. He was recently spotted by LA-based photographer who suggested Brad go into modeling.

Well, Brad says he's not homeless and he has no interest in modeling or any other kind of job. He says he's had jobs. He's even been a nurse. But asking for cash on the side of the road is just easier. He also has a cash app account. He advertises to his 20,000 TikTok followers. It's not clear how much love makes on his street hustle, but he did post a clip claiming he made about $260 in just a couple hours last month. Wow.

That's not going to set you up in Palm Springs. I'm kind of calling that a little bit fuzzy. Like, does he do it eight hours a day? Does he live on the street? I mean, how does he afford his apartment and everything? He must be getting more than that. Well, that's just in a couple hours. What panhandler has a TikTok? What is it? TikTok? What does he have? 20,000 followers? And a cash app. So what happens is sometimes people will put in their Instagram bio,

Cash app in case you want to give me money to help me see my dreams of being. Well, he seems like a nice young man. Let me get my phone here. All right. All right. What's his name again? No one stops me from modeling. What are you going to give him? How much?

oh shit i slipped with the zeros a hundred thousand just one oh more dana i know look at me don't say oh dana i'm the one who lost the money no well what about he did he did look like sort of johnny depp first year jump street well he's got a 700 haircut that swoops down on his so i don't know he is dreamy smells like poop but dreamy all right so okay here's the story of my uh

My new tour manager. So when I'm in New York, I say, hey, I'm promoting the dandelion on Amazon. My special, yeah. So it was coming out that day. So I said, hey, guys, we'll show the video. But I go, here's my new, do you have the video?

If you haven't, we'll show it. Hey guys, David Spade. I've got a new special on Amazon. It starts tonight. I've got a new tour at davidspade.com. Here's my new tour manager, Billy. We worked really hard on the special. So do you know who this is then? Yes. I can't leave New York. Therefore, I am the best person ever to lead a national tour. That's right. Mexico, here we come. They'll kill me. We can't go there. Free tea sandwiches. It's true. We can't go there.

Okay, so we put that on because this is the guy from the Fyre Festival that we've talked about. He did the one Fyre Festival years ago. I knew he looked familiar. Right. So he does it years ago. Obviously, it's a catastrophe. They gave away cheese sandwiches. There was not whatever to advertise. They paid all these models a million dollars. Yeah, yeah. A great documentary because it's such a shit show. Right. So he comes out of jail.

He does it again. Fire Festival 2. I think we talked about it. Hyped it up. Hyped it up. I think packages are up to a million. They had no lineup at this point. You know, it's just like, I think it's like the cart before the horse. They get the money, then they can pay the... Yeah, right, right. That's sort of like a reverse Ponzi scheme or something like that. Right. A little made off-y, whatever. Anyway, he's trying to do it. He's working with some people, put it together again. They...

check with mexico mexico cities are like we have no idea what's going this is there's no permit so it starts to fall apart again so i thought oh it'd be funny if i got that guy's mind to imagine because obviously he's not maybe the best for the job right right so we shake him out of the brush and he comes out as a joke to be funny and says he'll do this so then

I think everyone will think it's a joke. And then nobody did. They go, oh, this guy is your... Why would you pick this guy? He doesn't... He's collapsed too. Let me ask you a question. Did I see it correctly? I mean, does everyone who see that guy, is he that recognizable that they knew it was the Fire... Well, that's true. I put at the bottom Firefest 3. Then I put... Okay. I put his tag.

And then I put cheese sandwich and Mexico is where we just. Seems like you almost should have introduced him and said that he, you know, just did the butt. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it slipped through the cracks because TMZ hit my PR and said, Hey, Spade hired this guy. You know, he's not great at this, but we're going to run this story. And I'm like, no, I didn't. No, I know I should have said anything, but I thought it was real.

Yeah, I should have said I'm not at liberty to say I really don't want to discuss it right now. Right. I thought they would put it up and just say it was a joke because the guy keeps getting asked to be on talk shows. He won't talk to anyone, but then he's like, yeah, I'll come do it. So he was very funny to do that, even though obviously people, some were mad that I did it with him, of course. Let me talk to the fans for just a second because I'm looking at you now.

you know, he should have mentioned the guy was from the fire festival. I know, but he, he didn't. So back to the podcast. I know I have to say, Hey, I recognized him. He was about two feet taller than I thought he'd be. But, uh,

I recognize him and I put Firefest 3 on there. All right, let me talk to the fans for a second. Okay, real quick. I won't listen. Anyway, I take it back. It was a good video. He's touring. His specials call it Danny Lyme, but still, it should have said Fryfest, full guy or whatever. But David didn't do that. I'll be back to you. Let me go back to the podcast. Dana, listen. Twice is enough. No, it's good. I like that when you can talk to the crowd. You can talk to the crowd. No, your camera's too far away.

Can you look in the lens? Oh, there you go. Maybe don't get that close. I know. It's a little rough. I don't think I even need this light, Heather, but next time we'll talk about it. It makes my forehead too bright. Oh. God, will someone step on your tail? Frustrated assistant for 900, Bob. Yeah, I just heard, get fucked.

Well, 1% is 1%. How low could you go? By the way, David, when we do these long super... You can put on sunglasses. You know Bill Maher, when Billy Maher, my buddy William Maher...

he'll wear these indoor outdoor sunglasses on his, you know, club, random thing. So you can wear those and then they could put the lights a little brighter. I do. But you know, sometimes the brighter light isn't the better because it makes my forehead bright. Cause I, I'm going to paint this blue behind me and put a shelf. And so,

we're going to see some real fucking upgrades. People are going to be like, no, I have a curtain kind of mostly closed too much. Light's not good either. Anyway. Well, it's all, it's going to be in my special lights, lights on. How about mine? Mine's going to be called lights, camera, not that much action about my sex life. Okay. Let's show one more. No, a couple more stories. We got time.

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So Stab and Cabin came from the 1940s? I don't know. It seems like something Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn, I'll meet you at the Stab and Cabin. I don't think she would say it. It was more of an agent thing.

William Morris about 15 years ago said, I live, I'm married, I live in Malibu, but I also have a stabbing cabin in town. Well, did you ever see the movie The Apartment with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine? No, I'm young. Okay, it's exactly about that. It's so out...

for its time could never work in 2025. But they have this apartment and they rotate. All the guys at work rotate and that's their sort of rendezvous point with someone not their wife. I like how you water it down. Good job. Yeah, I like that better. By the way, my mom saw my special. I was not warned. She goes, oh, I woke up. I watched Jimmy Fallon. They bleeped something, first of all. I don't know. That was either on Kelly Ripa or Jimmy. They bleeped something. Heather, do you even know what that would have been?

And then maybe when I was talking about Bill Belichick, but then, and then we, and then she goes, I watched a special. I go, mom, relax, pace it out. And she said, okay. Oh, it's so fun. She's laughing though. She, of course,

In full disclosure, she's a great audience. I can do no wrong. Well, no, I love just that phrase. It's so fun. Oh, it's fun. You're doing fun stuff about fun things. So I said, great. And then she goes, oh, I just got to the part. You knew I wouldn't like this. I didn't like it. A little naughty below the waist. Yeah, toward the end. I go, oh, yeah. Was it a self-pleasuring joke or a... It was... I think it's just basically...

The setup is something like it's getting hard. Do you find it's getting hard to watch porn on an airplane? Oh, right. Yeah. It's not impossible. It's just...

It's just a little trickier. Yeah. It's a funny setup, right? I mean, I guess. But I mean, I guess crushing laughs and applause. Well, no, the premise is very funny. I'm sure you worked really hard to follow it up with actual jokes. Yeah, I did. The jokes are about porn, which is where I lost her. But

Oh, Davey, you don't need that. But my takeaway from this entire podcast, knowing you and your mom's relationship and everything and how sweet she is, her going, it's so fun. I mean, that is so sweet. I mean, when I come to town, I go, she goes, what happened? I go, I landed at the airport. She goes, oh, fun. Oh, fun. Then I go, I rented a car. I got on the 10 and she goes, oh, fun. I go, what's fun? The freeway? Yeah.

It just sounds like a fun thing because you're on a journey and you're going to do something fun. I guess fun is her word. It is. It is. It's great. And then anybody she meets, oh, she's fun. Oh, you'd like her. Oh, it's very fun. She's a fun cookie. She's a smart cookie. She lives in the greater Phoenix metro area. David Spade's a child and she's got a lot of fun to say.

No, I mean, your next show is called fun! Fun! Yes, I will talk about my mom. I will tell things about how she gets on Facebook so much that when there's an ad for three-day blinds and it says like 30% off this weekend, she comments, ooh, that sounds good.

I go, well, are you commenting on a commercial on an ad? I don't even know if you can do that. Yeah. It sounds like a good deal. Everything in life. Like they just, the restaurant decided to comp you this elaborate dessert. Ooh, that looks fun. That looks so good. She's the most positive person in the world. So how, how do we explain you?

She takes pictures, takes pictures at dinner. We sit down and she goes, oh, it's the whole family. Take a picture. Go. And it's like, we're sitting down and she's like, and then I'm like, mom, let's just get settled. We'll get a waiter over here. I go, I get a notice. Oh my God, he already posted this on Facebook. Yeah.

It's a good one. I go, well, we're not even in focus. It's all blurs and shapes. She goes, I know. I go, you have to run it by us before you post it. She goes, no. She's like a human Labrador retriever. She goes, no, I'm not. Will she come on this podcast just for five minutes? She will. She's super sweet. She loves you. She'll do it for you.

Have her just come on. Well, I'm sure she looks incredible. I can send her some of my fancy pants lights. She always goes, oh, I'm laughing at the podcast. And Dana, oh, the dogs are laughing. Everyone loves it. That's funny how the parents are like that. Very sweet, yeah. They always, oh, that David Spade, let me tell you. They don't say whether it's good or bad. They go, oh, that David Spade. They go, he's a real piece of work. What does that mean? Yeah.

He's a real character. Oh, yeah. He's negative. You know, David Spade, his special just came out. He could be a dandy. He's a real dandy. I'm going out and filming dandelions. Is it out now? Sorry. Is it out right now? Okay, I'll watch it as soon as we... Yeah, what'd you think? Well, I'm going to watch it as soon... No, you saw it basically the last corporate we did. That was a lot of it.

Well, yeah, but I don't go out in the audience. So I'm kind of in the where it's all like, you hear me act like this. No, what I hear is, and then I hear a big laugh. Then I hear, then I hear kind of a little laugh. And then I hear, I hear you go, and then a big laugh. Then you hear this.

Oh, he's doing a sound effects joke. Then I hear this very clearly at the end. Sorry, that's all I got. Good night. Sorry, now the guy you came to see, Dana. No, I opened for you in Indianapolis. No, you opened for me in Indianapolis, and that wasn't easy. And then I opened for you in...

Indio. Yeah. It was great. Both great shows. I had a blast. We got to do more of those. They're fun. It's fun to have your friend do it. That would be you. And then you don't have to do 75. I did a casino. Whoops. Sold out. How'd that get out? But...

They said they wanted 75. I know which one you're talking about.

You get a very appreciative. Yeah. You've been there. You get a very appreciative, incredible crowd because you're the only show in town. It's you and some hieroglyphics, but I've been to that one. It's very good audience. It's just a little bit of a hike, but you get out there and it's once you're out there, it's fun. Spirit mountain. Oh, I thought it was table mountain. Was it? Well, there's a, there's a lot of, there's a couple native American casinos that want to hire us. Yes. And they're great. Uh,

Great, great crowd. But do you ever bring an opener? Sometimes. This time I didn't. So you have to fill the whole time. Well, on the sheet it said show length 60 minutes. You get a little rundown for when you do these gigs, folks. White sheet. It says set length 60 minutes.

Show length, 75. So I go, wait a minute. So they're providing a local opener from Salem? But no, actually set length, 75. So I did 74, 30. I just lucked out. I did everything I had. 74, 30? Did you really? I looked down and I go, ah, timed it out. Well, when you know you have 75, you kind of embellish. You don't rush. You just take your time. That's tough.

Usually show lengths on the road for theater stuff are an hour and a half. So you have people do time. I have one or two openers. I do time, but I usually do an hour, but,

When I do corporates, 45 is plenty. 45 is good. I actually did a private party and I did 50. I played in front of a waterfall and no one in the audience was with a hundred feet of me. It's so funny. I know. And they were really nice, but it's like, they don't really, this is not like ideal, but this happened to me just because I, I'm, uh, I'm,

I'm a child of the 50s. So I'm just doing my set. I'm kind of being animated because they're really I'm just tagging stuff because there's such a hot audience. And then I got a stabbing pain in my inner thigh. Like I couldn't really walk for a bit. I had to kind of fake it and kind of work it out. Do you ever just say, yeah, it's really weird when you're about to go on.

One time I was choking on some celery backstage right before I went on. Literally. Stuck in my throat. Not choking, but like I can't swallow. I've had stuff. Drives you nuts. I had an eyelash in my eye before I go on. And you're like, these are the little things in life. You just take care of it. But you can't do anything. You can't pee. You can't be funny. Yeah. If you fucking stop for five seconds, I'm like, what's wrong? What is he doing? Yeah. Yeah.

I was right in the wings at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. 450-seater?

waiting to go on i talking to someone and i bit my tongue no and i'm bleeding profusely as i hear ladies and gentlemen you know i'm from saturday night live live glenn and farfo you know and i'm coming out i'm just swallowing blood for about 20 minutes till it coagulated yeah coag you know i'm from his podcast whatever it's called

His mouth is bleeding. He has a temperature of 104 and he can't feel his feet. Let's bring him out. You know him and you love him. And does anyone have a tourniquet? He just had a knee replaced and his shoulder is made of silicone. David Spade. David Spade. He's high as a kite on Viking. And here he comes. David Spade. He can only see out of one eye. And his hearing ain't very good either. Let's bring him out.

Some lucky front row customer is going to get a coughed up piece of celery in about 10 minutes. David Spade, he's underprepared. He doesn't have an act and he has no short-term memory. Let's bring him out. He's bleeding from the back of his neck. Get ready to hear every joke three times. He just got stabbed. Let's bring him out.

David Spade. You know him. You don't know why you love him. And here he is. Actually, Catherine introduces me. She goes,

You know him from The Wrong Missy and Joder and Grown Ups. And if you don't, you're in the wrong place. That's not bad. That's not bad, right? They had me. They called The Voice of God. So you have a mic off stage. They go, do you want to do it? So I had to do it for myself. God, you're a one-man band. So it was all, yeah. No opener, no roadie. Yeah. I just said, he's not very good. Keep your expectations low. This next guy...

Yeah. Just out of a cell. Well, I have to ask, ask because it's when you first said it really a celery stick, right? I have celery backstage with like a veggie tray and I chew it up and it gets a little stringy, whatever it gets stuck. That's twice. It's happened. And I'm like, no celery before I go on. Nothing. You shouldn't eat one. You shouldn't eat anything. I mean, one thing I've done lately is I'll just have a little bite of Hershey's chocolate.

just because of the energy. But I used to do this thing. I'd get a craving for corn on the cob with a lot of butter. And I'd be eating that in the wings. No. I'm not corn on the cob. And I would come out with cob and corn just like all over my teeth. And finally, one of the club owners said, dude,

You shouldn't have the corn on the cob before you go out. I mean, David Spade was in here last week just chewing on celery and two people vomited in the front row. No one could understand him. How many times have you pooped your pants on stage roughly? You mean recently? Yeah. Poop my pants on stage. You made me actually consider that. I have one time because you get – one time in Dallas, I got sort of a panic attack. Number two?

Well, I didn't know. I didn't do number two on stage. I have had some warnings, but I didn't, nothing ever happened. But when I was in Dallas about two years ago, I was on and I was, I started to get a panic attack. Weird. Right at the beginning of the tour. Did you have any caffeine or anything beforehand? I think I did. Yeah. And I was like going, and I started looking around going, and anytime you're thinking of anything other than your act, like I don't want to connect eyes with the audience. I kind of,

Because you're thinking of so many things and you're evaluating how it's going. And then you're like, I want to jump to that joke on my set list. I shouldn't do that one. They won't buy that. You got to jump. So there's a lot going on. But when you stop, I stop and I go.

Oh my God, what if I freak out? I started to get like panicky. And I look over to see if Bobby's there and I'm like, what would I do? Walk off and try to calm down? It's terrifying. That's the weird part. And of course we're very blessed, lucky to do this for a living. But there are tales about it because the show must go on. And I always say, well, maybe the show doesn't have to go on. Maybe the show sucks. But the other night, one of my gigs, I don't drink Coca-Cola in life.

But I do drink a little bit of Coca-Cola for a got same thing with chocolate just to get up to wake up. But the show's delayed. So I'm drinking Coke and I'm drinking more Coke. I'm a little amped up. And then suddenly I start to feel hypoglycemic and a little lightheaded. And I thought you're thinking, where is this going? Like, if this keeps extenuating. And you scare yourself. Yeah.

yeah and then i may not be able to go on you know so but then i i just shook it off like a man you took a poop in your pants and you got up there like a good performer well did you ever poop your pants in grade school i'm sure you did many times i listen to this i told a legitimate friend of mine who said driving my house after lunch he goes oh my god i didn't like that place i go you didn't i thought it was pretty good no he goes i shit my pants the way home i go

I'm sorry, aren't you 44 years old? And he was not surprised. And I go, have you ever done that before? And he goes, probably about once a month. I go, I'm sorry, what? I think you should get some medical attention. I'm sorry, what? Like you said, did you ever in fourth grade? I'm like racking my brain. Maybe. I sort of have a handle on it since then.

I don't love it. Sometimes it's a close call. Once you turn nine, you were. Yeah, I go, I got it. Yeah, I got it. I don't pee in my pants. Did I say this on the podcast before? Car trips with my dad, the whole family, seven of us in the station wagon. Christ, Dana. Oh, Jesus Christ. And he was going to Zephyr. He called it Zephyr. We tried to get to Winnemucca, Pennsylvania.

Nevada from San Francisco Bay Area. Oh, we're going to suffer. So if we'd stop at like, you know, Sambo's pancakes or something, he'd finish and just leave. So he didn't have time to go to the bathroom and then he wouldn't stop.

Oh, I kind of could go to the bathroom. We're going to Pocatello or something. Oh, Jesus Christ. What's Zephyr mean? Zephyr means just go fast. Don't know. No lollygagging. By the way, is that a monster or still construction? I think we're going to wrap up because they're breaking into my house. Hey, that's a cliffhanger. I'll tell you about the poop pants thing next week. Next week on Superfly.

You know, I have a Z-Flex skateboard on my wall, an old one from the 70s, Jay Adams. And it's also called a Zephyr. And I never even knew that word. I think it's speed or consistent. So it makes sense for a skateboard. Yeah. But, well, I feel bad. Let me finish with President Brian. Relax. Enjoy the podcast. I'm Brian. President Brian.

Breathe in the blood. Don't be mad at me. I like it. And the audience can't get mad at you because you're very calm and cool. You don't flip out. Well, we tend to go like this and that with presidents, and it was maybe a flimsy premise, but I'll be curious who goes in there. No, I like it because Biden was underground, not coming out a lot. Trump is out there all the time. I was wondering when you were just talking about this,

uh canada guy coming down i think is that's what they call him he's his name is canada is it is it carson what is it yeah something like it's carson no i don't know it's a prime minister of canada is a prime minister okay so he saying no or something else are there any meetings behind closed doors anymore i mean what happened to the decorum of just meet the guy hash it out then you walk out hey it went good he literally meets him and goes sit down and and they're like wait

Wait, right here? Like everyone's here and he's like, you're fucking up everything. We're going to take over. They start going at it. Yeah, I know. It's so crazy. Trump, unless someone writes a book about it, because I read Bob Woodward's book like, oh boy, we're going to get the back. We're going to get the real story about Trump. And all it was was exactly the way Trump's in front of the camera. So I don't think there's another Trump back there, but there is no filter. He just says Trump.

Um, he says to the guy, we're going to, we're going to be a beautiful 51st state. He knows it got the guy elected because it turned on a massive patriotic swelling in Canada. I know it really did. It flipped everybody. They had like two weeks and then I don't really don't know how it works up there. Cause someone else told me yesterday, Canada might vote again in a year.

Well, if it's parliamentary, then it is that they go, you can go in and out. Like if we had that Obama could come back, you know, you don't, you don't have the terms that we have, but Canada Trump's like, cause Joe, you're going to get a big, beautiful tax break. You get free military. We get a free pass to Disneyland throws in a lot of perks.

I know. We'll see. Hopefully everything calms down. We'll give you when we open Alcatraz, like it's the new Disneyland. We're going to let all the kids in. It's going to be a lot of fun. This is where we suffocate everyone. This is where the gangs jump other guys in.

All right, I got to go. I think I'm in danger with this noise. Solitary confinement. That's what they call it. That meant you were alone for a long time. Kids, you want to get in and try it one at a time? Let me close you in. You can see what Al Capone did because he ate one extra biscuit. They threw him in solitary confinement. All right, good one. Thanks, buddy. That's it. That's good. We'll talk later. See you next time. Oh!

Bye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.