SUPERFLY #68 - Romance, Fauxmance, or Showmance?
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Yeah, Dana, I travel all over and sometimes, you know, you're on the road. Sometimes I get stuck with a hotel I don't love. And what happens is you think you see a few pictures, we look online, then you get there. And sometimes I was like, I should have tried to do an Airbnb on this one, you know? Yeah, I was on a road trip to Montana and we stopped in Winnemucca, Nevada. And Winnemucca...

There's a toddler in town. Let's just say there wasn't maybe the best choices in Winnemucca. So an Airbnb would have been a much better choice, but I still had a good time in Winnemucca. Don't want to badmouth the town. You know, people can also take their houses and make them Airbnbs. That's the other flip side of that. You know, you go stay at nice ones, but if you have a place...

It could be big or small. You know, you never know. Yeah. And while you're away, your home could be an Airbnb. Yeah. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.

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- Ask about, next card, plus choose. - This is Cary Grant. Is nothing wrong with this as if he was a gay man? - Sure. - I don't believe it. I do believe I'm sitting on your penis. - Cary Grant as a gay, wasn't he gay?

I'm not saying anyone's gay. I'm just saying if he was, it would sound like this. My mom. I can't believe it. I'm sitting on your penis. God, he really amped it up on that one. You know, my mom said, Cary Grant, she said, when I heard he was gay, I knew it because I get nothing from him. She was, I loved him, but I was like,

Nothing. That's so funny, my mom. I don't think he's gay. Okay. I think he was. Oh, you- Let's go to the phones. No, let's go to the- Homophobic. YouTube comments. Homophobic. Why? Is that a real sneeze? That was a good one. Yeah, I was just-

Look, I was a character actor. So this is two things that are visual about me right now. So this is, I finally, these fucking shoes, nothing against Hoka. I'm going to try them. But with the clown shoes with three inches of rubber, there's a point of diminishing returns. There's a point where you bounce all around. So I've got these ones, those are, so I'm walking down the hallway, going to the gig and they're just walking and I'm stumbling all over the place and go, well, you know, he's getting a little,

No, I'm not. I got fucked up, you know, bozos shoes. So these are 10 years old. Feel how firm the heel is. You want to touch my- Oh, I like that firmness. So sickening, yeah. So I-

I'll take your word for it next time. Oh, how sweet it is. You smell the firmness? Pugnant. Oh, I'm getting a contact high for my ghost tins. All right, so my birthday's coming up. So my wife got me a present. Okay. Don't call it a man purse. It's a man bag. Okay.

So. Immerse. I've been resistant to one of these things because I felt like I would look like I'm a British postman. Hello. I've got a letter for you, sir, from the king. You know, so, and also just the affinity. All the way back on for that. So, this is not a joke, okay, for everybody here. This, I'm going to,

I'm gonna take out all my stuff. So what I do is I have this lightweight puffy jacket and I have pockets and that's my surrogate man purse. So let's put this down for a second and see what I have legit on a regular basis. Remember when you laughed the other day? - What's in Dana's coat? - When I came out like three different, okay. We've got gum and glasses and a pen. We've got of course, you know, the wallet, another pen. Let's go over here. We have- - Money popping out of it.

Oh, this is a travel thing for, that looks like a sex toy. Yeah. The all new orange rabbit. No, this is a shampoo for getting through airlines. Really? I'll give you, I'll give you a clue. It fits up my ass when I'm on the road. Oakley's phone. Third glasses. More glasses. Fourth glasses. Fourth glasses. And then some post-its and I don't know why. So they were all in my jacket. Now let's see what now Remco's man purse.

Santa might be come early for you this year. Yeah, what makes the man first? So there we are. Let's see if it can get in here. Now, if I put it in here very slowly, I feel like I'm David Blaine. Yeah. Just watch, just watch. I'm gonna put it in here. Just watch, just watch. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put this all in here. I can make that shampoo disappear in my butthole. Think, think of, why butthole? And time.

I've had Cary Grant doing his thing and you said butthole in the first four minutes. So we do this. We take off this jacket that's 12 years old. Oh, wait a second. Just so the people at home watching the demonstration just feel it. Okay, it's a real jacket, everyone. Real jacket.

You've never met this jacket before. I like a uniform and you're... So now I'm putting on my super cool stolen jean jacket. Now I'm going to stand up, Evan, and you'll see a cool guy come in. Oh. What's up? Oh, shit. Heather gave the right reaction. You okay? Everybody cool in here? What's going on? Everybody all right? Anybody need to get knocked the fuck out? Anybody need anything? Anybody need anything? Boom.

Yeah! Anybody need a couple pairs of glasses? And now you're not going to lose this. No way. I like that. Do you? Yeah. I bet you could, honestly, I thought you were going to put your jacket into the puffy one because Bobby, we're on the road, he rolls his jacket up and he puts it in a little bag this big, his puffy jacket. I could do that. You could do it. I thought that might be part of the magic. I don't know. So that's my...

Now a word from Fruit Fresh or whatever. Do you have a story? Because I have topics. Do you have a story? Let's go back and forth because it's, you know. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah.

Welcome to Superfly or whatever it's called. Superfly, that name may be a sunset. Yeah, we don't know yet. We got news coming for you guys. We might sunset the name because we unintentionally, I take the blame for it because I just said Superfly and everyone, they liked it and I didn't like it. It's a great idea, but we might have some news for you by next week.

Also, I don't know. Do we say anything? I don't know what to say. Well, no. Basically, the idea was whatever we do, we're just being honest with the fans. Superfly and Fly on the Wall were a little too confusing for people. I actually met one guy in Minneapolis at a corporate date who understood it.

Oh, yeah. Hey, fly on the walls. That's the interview one, mostly not on video. And super flies are... But even Rob Lowe went, super fly. So we may do something with that, but we'll make announcements soon. Right. They might be... Merging. Every time...

Every time, 'cause I was having an ice cold beer, I'm watching your special, and every time you did a sound effect, I took a nap. And I had a lot of beer that night. I forgot, there's one where I just literally do the sound effects on purpose. No, they were great. I love the way you incorporate them. You don't lean on them. You're not like my sound effect guy. You know where they help in real life is when I'm checking out at self checkout, I just go like this. And then it's $100, but I only pay three.

So you use it for criminal activity. Okay. I have a whole different way to think about it. So anyway, I saw Dandelion. Oh boy. By the way, I have an announcement. We did a poll on my Instagram. Who says Dandelion and who says Dandelion? I said, Dana says Dandelion. And we went to the polls and the people have spoken and it's 57% say Dandelion.

Dandelion. Can you believe it? Well, of course. You were right. I went to San Francisco State. I know how to pronounce words. You were right. Yeah. But 43% were wrong. Well, that is a very...

Portacular. Yes. Type of. Portacular. Portacular. How do you pronounce it? What does that mean? Some people say particular. I say portacular. You're getting everyone right, man. You're ahead of the game. Thank you. All right, let's go back to Dandelion. So Dana watched the special. I watched David's special. Talk about jury duty. Talk about a write-off. I watched it. It's all for work. Okay, go ahead. No, I saw the special.

Oh, good. That's a good review. Don't you love that? I've had people come up to me at an airport. I saw your special. And then nothing else. That's it. I get this. Hey, were you in Grown Ups? I go, thank you. And they go, thank you what? I go, what'd you say? And they go, were you in Grown Ups? I go, yeah. And they go, uh. And I go, I was good in it? And they're like, hey, you were on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, thank you. I go, thanks, sister. Yeah.

But nothing. Nothing. But look, here's the inside baseball. You can kind of flip the salmon right now. If you're cooking. Everyone's cooking. Everyone's cooking or hiking. In their car. Or making love while they listen to this. Do they think they put this as background noise when they're going, eat, eat, eat? There's a lot of sex going on with us in the background. This woman said, I don't know why it turns me and my husband on. Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat.

Made that up. So anyway, a comedian...

It's like a surgeon watching a surgeon, you know? They're gonna be, holy shit, you're doing surgery. So I'm just saying, oh, he's got that. I can't get out of my head. I'm watching someone do, oh, that's a good bit. Oh, he's taking that. Oh my God. Another water hit. Okay. Now he's coming up. So I enjoyed it, but I can't watch it like a regular person. I mean, I'm sickened that you watch it because to have someone I like watch it, someone that's funny, actually funny watch it, it just hit me that I'm horrified by it. Thank you.

But it is hard. And I'm sure when I watch it, I go, I go, I'm hitting the water too much. I take a sip of water. Well, they can cut that out. I could have cut it out, but I didn't because sometimes it looks too jumpy. But I left a few in so people know I do drink water and I don't want them to think I don't.

And then I had a set list. On the table? You'll laugh at this. I had a set list like I do because I wanted it to be like every other standup show. Oh, yeah. And then the director goes, or the guy goes, camera guy goes, hey man, I see your set list. It's white. So they brought me blue paper in the back and go, write it on here. And I go.

I've never had blue paper. I don't want anything different. I wrote it with a magic marker and I couldn't really read it. Classic. Don't change anything right before you go out. That was right before I went out. Wait a minute. So you wrote your set list and never tried it with a magic marker on blue paper. And then when you went out, you looked at it and go, holy shit, I can't read it. Right. Because I'm like, why am I doing this for the camera guy? I don't give a fat fuck if they see my set list on the stool. You go to a concert, it's fun. You see the floor and you see the set list of a band, but-

I just went along with it to be a great guy because I have fucking great guy syndrome and it sucks sometimes. And then, but I have it on a monitor. That's the title of your next special. I do have it on a monitor and if I'm stuck, I can look it up. I thought it was great. I mean, obviously you killed and the bits were really funny and you were physical. And I mean, you know, standup specials are...

The main thing you want to do is have fun and be funny. Yes. I did have that, and I did have a good time. I've heard nice things, but you never know what you're hearing. But sometimes people on YouTube and Instagram are very direct. They don't beat around the bush. Again, have you ever met any human being who wrote a nasty thing?

Online? Have you known anyone besides Evan and Greg? Yeah. Late at night. You suck! Trollers. I'm feeling better. I'm bringing you down. Shut up, Brian.

But people loved it. No, but I think I heard nice things about it and I'm glad you watched it and we'll put it to bed after this. But it was nice to get one out of the way. And then when I go on the road now and people go, oh, you're going to Omaha. And a lot of people say, should I watch the special first or should I come see on the road first? And that's a tough decision. I would say watch it.

And then there'll be some repeats because I like to keep some of the ones that really work in there. And then there'll be some new stuff. So I think great bits are better the second, third, fourth time. If it's a great bit, cause then you're just, you don't, I love when I see Bobby Lee, I saw him the other night and I'm like with my friend, I go,

Oh, I want him to do this one. I want him to do this one. And if they don't, I go, hmm. And if they hit it a little bit different or whatever. It's always going to be a hair different. But. And some bits expand since you did them. Right. And they're even more polished and you get the edges off and they're better. Well, I used to do, I mean, this goes back since 1983 when I fell in love with the movie Scarface, like with every other comedian at the time. So everyone had a scar face.

Scarface bit. Mine was Scarface at Thanksgiving dinner. Paso Sweet Potatoes. It was a good long bit too. It was a good chunk. Paso Sweet Potatoes. But it started out at two minutes to three. And now sometimes when I played the casino, it was packed and so much energy. I think it was almost a 20 minute bit. You can just keep milking it because it kills. Oh yeah. What do you got to do? You want me to eat the...

Corn on a cob, man. The corn on a cob. You got the corn on your teeth and the cob. They don't tell you about the cob, man. The cob is worse than the corn. Corn on a cob. That's what you want me to eat, huh? What are you going to do? You want me to eat, what you want me to eat? Is it Christmas and Thanksgiving? You want me to eat a Jell-O with a walnut inside? So the Jell-O goes down the walnut and gets stuck in my...

A savagish. Oh, yeah. So I go, and then he goes crazy on the grandmother who he thinks ate all the sweet potatoes. I remember all this. I could do this all day. Grandma!

- Grandma, look at you, man. Birthday time, there was a bowl of catacorn. I go, I set for a smoke. I come back, no catacorn, man. You ate all the catacorn. I told you, you like to eat, don't you, man? You like to eat? You like to eat? You like to eat? I see you with the Whitman sampler. You stick your thumb in the back. You don't get the catamount. - Whitman sampler. - You don't get the catamount. You put it right back in the box.

'Cause you don't check out a guide inside the Whitman Seminary. - The guide? - Corresponding guide tells you what a coconut is, the caramel is, you know, you just dig in there like that. It's like a good, so I'll go on and on and on. So my point was- - You don't need any other bits. That thing just must-

To your point, bits getting longer, extenuating. It's good because sometimes you do the, they're a little undercooked because you just thought of them. You go, well, I'll throw this on. And then you start to work it. I went out last night trying to, because I'm trying to do new stuff.

and try to work stuff. And it is fun when new bits work, it's great. And when they bomb, it's so disheartening. There's nothing new. And if you have an old bit where you're adding stuff to it, then it's a new bit again. I would just say this in the modern era, if I was going to engage in this particular activity of the standup special, and let's just say I'm announcing it now. I wear, I solemnly swear to do a special every month for the next 12 months.

I will go to a comedy club with a little tiny crew like these two numbskulls over here. These knuckleheads.

and do maybe just two cameras, minimal light, and just do 10 or 12 minutes, either crowd work or stuff I'm thinking of in the moment. Oh, and put it out like that? Yeah. A special every month. This idea that two years without David Spade. Two years we have to not have David Spade. People can't do it. They're suffocating. They need it. And also, I shot it in fucking Rocktober. So...

I'm not blaming Amazon because this is just sort of how it goes. Amazon's great. Right. You had the submarine one. What were the ones that were sort of your classic bits for the last two years? Oh, that I've had those. But then some...

You know, I don't want anything sitting on a shelf for eight months. But, you know, Hulu, when they came to me, they said, we'll put it out in a year and a half. I'm like, a year and a half? And do they know that you work with current events as part of what you do? I mean, we do part like we do here. Like, it's fun to think of something. And sometimes there was something last night I can't remember, but I was like, this is good for a couple weeks, couple months. It's still funny. But then at a certain point, everyone's like,

that's dead. Just move on, you know? Yeah, you can just, you can just sort of feel, although the Menendez brothers, there's lots and lots of jokes in the 90s. Then it became cornball, faded away, faded away. Now they're back. Come back. So you never know. It's time to bring out your Menendez. You know what's funny is that you brought this up that the other day on the news, they go, great news for the Menendez brothers on Good Day LA. And I go, oh, what? They go, 50 years with parole. I go,

I love when that's good news in your life. 50 years. Well, the thing is they've done 35. So the guy said 50 now. So 50 makes them eligible. You know, all that good behavior shit. Right, I didn't know until after, right. So they can get out now, you know. Yeah, time served. Are you okay? You missing one of your thousand glasses? I don't need notes. I'm going. These are random thoughts as we ping pong around. Where's your baker's dozen glasses?

Um, I got a trend. I got, you're also wearing them and then you've got four. I got a haircut and I left some of my other glasses at, uh, Chris Rios's salon. Fucking shit. That's why I was three minutes late. Dude, why are you burying that story? Here's, uh,

I went to Rite Aid. I felt I needed a little trim. I knew I said, okay, superfly at 10 a.m. That's on the unimportant list. So let's go to Rite Aid. Let's pick up our meds. Go get a haircut. Oil change. No. Here's my thought. Yes. Don't ever deny in life. Always go yes. Here's an example. So Trump gets a $400 million plane from Qatar.

He doesn't get up there and go, well, it's not really a gift. I mean, it's a thing. They're giving it. It's not really a gift. He just says, they're giving me a gift. It's a beautiful gift. If I don't take the gift, I'd have to be stupid. I'd be very stupid. Look, and if you think about it, I'd be a stupid person not to take the gift. So a lot of people think it's unconstitutional. But how do you come back at someone who says, yeah, I did it. I got the plane. What are you talking about?

If Nixon in 19 going back, if Nixon had said, of course, I told the boys to break into the Democratic National Place. I wanted to know what those commie bastards were up to. He never would have got impeached because you never you don't give him any air. Bill Clinton. Right. If Bill Clinton had said instead of I did not have sex, I had sex without mama.

over and over. I mean, she was a hot, hot mama and I had a lot of sex. There'd been no room to prosecute. So Trump's genius, if you will, that'll go over half our audience, is never denying just having fun. We're getting a beautiful blend. What do you think? I'm crazy.

Hey, you know, and Qatar's like, we give it to you for free. By the way, Qatar gives away a lot of 747s to a lot of countries. Oh, it's not that special. No strings attached. We give you a $400 million plane. We don't expect anything in return. But if you wanted to give us something, we wouldn't turn it down. Yeah. It's like a nickel to them. That's a Qatarian accent. I know. He wouldn't...

I agree. Trump acts like it's a slinky. They gave it to me. It's a stocking stuffer. But I have to say, people, it is a little itchy because you go, what if they have- What if Qatar says, could we get a couple of your nuclear bombs? Or they just blow it up one day. They got a kill switch in there. Or they-

Or they have a find your phone on it, you know. Or they stick a little guy in there. They stick a little lean, tiny man. And Trump's going around the Air Force One, you know, for security purposes. Oh, where the Bev card is. What's down here? What's your name? My name is Cocosius.

I'm hiding in planes so that later on I will sabotage with little scissors for wires. Well, you're admitting to your crime. You're admitting it. You're not hiding it. So I'm going to hire you on the spot. You got a job. You're in charge of security. Who are you working for? Hamas and Iran. Now you're working for the U.S. of A. I'll tell you that much. And I'll tell you again. And I know how to tell you.

Look at it and think about it. Anyway, I don't know if I had anything else. Shit. That's it. That's good. Oh, this was one. Okay.

So the family's dressed up, P. Diddy's family, and they look beautiful. We're on a P. Diddy. I love it. They look beautiful, and they're coming into the court in gorgeous clothes, and they're coming in, you know, supporting pops or whatever. Yes, watch this, you know. And then they have to hear the testimony. Do they ever kind of slink down in their chairs a little bit? Oh, my God. Jeez, I didn't know Dad was that. I didn't know what a – I knew he was a record executive, but it's a lot to that job I didn't know about. Yeah.

Also that the Cassie who's with her new husband and he's got to hear this stuff. He's like, I know you had that one problem in the elevator. It feels like there was a little more going on. I mean, good God to hear that every day like this. I know it's dark humor, but look, it's our job. But I would say this, a lot of times when someone's caught red handed,

Their defense attorney will announce this, and he did it with P. Diddy. Is he a nice guy? That's the best, yes. No. Is he a nasty guy? Yeah. Can he be mean? Yes. Does he have a temper? Yes. Will he kick women in an elevator? Yes. Yes. But did he commit a crime? Right. I don't think so. Does he like to rub jizz on himself? Possibly. Does that make him a bad guy? Yes. But...

Should he go to jail? No. Like, come on. He's a jerk. He's a monster. He's a horrible person. Should he spend a night in county jail? Absolutely not. He slathers women in baby oil. I wouldn't.

And then beats him with a racquetball. Is he, is that rude? Is it aggressive? Yes. Does he like his girlfriend getting ramrodded? Should he go to prison? No, that's what he likes to do in his spare time. He's a record executive. You don't understand that business. Does he?

Do you use household items and tools to do different things to different people? Yes. Does he use a spatula a different way than you would? Yes. We use sponges for different activities. Just because he's adapting obvious household items for sexual purposes does not mean that my client deserves to go to prison. Does he give sex workers jobs? Yes. He's helping the economy.

What about this? By the way, Cassie's pregnant. Nothing further, Your Honor. Can we riff on this bit longer? Yes. Does it make us boring? No. It's just us going on and on. Cassie, it helps her, I think, to be pregnant because it is a little more sympathy. But you know the babies like this. This is the first I'm hearing. The babies doesn't. Oh, the babies. The babies inside listening like this.

Wait, what happened? Wait, can you back that up? Can you read that one back? Wait, this mom, the one I... Okay. Uh...

Yeah, because, yeah. I'll stop there. That's fine. It was a little, it was a dark territory to go into. It's a, it's a tough list in that trial. Mostly just the idea of the defense of someone with that. And they did it with OJ too. What is the actual, like OJ's was straight up murder. What is the actual thing? Is it sex trafficking? What do they really want to get? Well, there's a word that I kind of had to look up. I don't want to ask the people if they really know what it means. Is it dandy? Racketeering. Oh, racketeering. Rico. Rico.

- I hear Rico a lot. - Rico, racketeering. That means unlawful activities to procure money. Basically a gangster threatening people. - Uh-oh, the screen just went lit up. All right, what are we gonna show here? - What, you want something? - No, I don't know, I just saw Google. - I don't know how, we're only supposed to do 30 minutes now. - What's better, Google? Oh, look at this, here, I wanna talk about this.

You know how it goes. Getting super into something that can lead to watching it, listening to it, reading about it, maybe even picking up something to go with it. That's where Prime comes in. Amazon Prime isn't just fast, free delivery, though to be honest, that's a lifesaver. It's also Prime Video, Amazon Music, and so much more. Whatever the interest, it's on Prime. Lately, there's been a dive into new recipes, catching up on lifestyle documentaries, and building the perfect

It's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.com slash Prime.

Hey there, Podcast Universe. It's Brian Greene from the mediocre comedy podcast sensation, The Commercial Break. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And in an effort to drive some awareness about your mental health awareness, my co-host and I are going to drive ourselves crazy

by doing 12 episodes in one day. That's right, May 31st, 2025, starting at 10 a.m. East Coast time, we'll be recording and publishing 12 brand new episodes, 11 and a half of which no one has asked for. We'll be talking to some of our noted friends like Tig Notaro, Reggie Watts, and Tom Papa. We'll be taking calls from listeners. We'll be celebrating five years of doing this show, and we'll be making our best effort to stay awake the entire time.

Listen to the commercial break wherever you listen to your podcasts or visit our website, tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, more information about Chrissy and I. You can find us on our network partner's phone application. That's Odyssey. It's a free app, so go ahead and download it. Stream us there. Best to you. Okay, you know, Dana, there's a term you might not hear a lot called ED. ED. ED phone home.

Close. ED, get harder. Yeah, this is, HIMSS is, you know what HIMSS is? HIMSS, absolutely. One of our sponsors. Sexual health. HIMSS absolutely helps you get confidence back.

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You know, it's funny because sometimes you're out making out in the car. It's not your fault. And then down there, it's going like this. Are we doing this? Are we doing this? And then things start to happen. And then like, oh, we're driving again. Oh, we're at the door making out. We doing this?

So sometimes it's not your fault. Like, it's just a matter of reps. And then when you really want things to happen, it's like, give me a second. Relax. You want your sex life to sound like this. You don't want it to sound like this. Exactly what I was thinking. Listen, there's no doctor visit. You just fill out a form.

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The feature products include compounded products, which are not approved nor verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality by the FDA. Prescription required. See a website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. So this is Mission Impossible, which Tom Cruise and Anna DeArmas, I don't think she's in the movie. There's a romance. Well, she forgot to button her blouse. I'm sorry. Is that a fashion statement? Can you see it, Heather? No, she's horribly embarrassed. Okay.

I mean, is that a face? It just looks like a blouse that wasn't buttoned. No, that's what it's supposed to be. Tom Cruise. She is a stunner, by the way. She has on a little white bra. Bra-let. Well, you don't see it, but there was a video of this, and he's kind of singing, like, like the blouse on button, like, like the blouse on button. Oh, that one again? Tom Cruise was singing, like, like the blouse on button. Tom Cruise always looks cool. Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.

Stripping down, stripping down. So he's got- Like just the panties in a bra, like the, go ahead. This is coming out next week. I bought tickets. One, two things about this. One- Mission impossible. Running time, roughly three hours. I'll tell you when I see most of it.

I can't wait to go see most of this movie because I do not think I can last with the THX. And then they have an ad for Dolby sound guys. I'm not a director. Who is this ad going to? Guys, I see it's an ad for Coke. I'll buy Coke Dolby sound. I'm like, is it my choice? Yeah.

Don't make an ad. You're wasting your time. I can't pick the sound of the movie. So that, and then you got Nicole Kidman still clunking in her heels and sitting and watching like, skip it all. Let's get to the goddang three-hour movie.

Nicole Kidman announced today that she's not going to do another movie next week. She's waiting for the week after? Yeah, she goes every week. I'll say this. There was a point where sound got scary. I don't know if it was THX or Dolby, but if I was in those really tight stadium theaters with speakers all around, it would kind of... Am I blowing an eardrum to see this fucking movie? But I...

My relationship with Mr. Tom Cruise, I met him. A little bit taller. Whoops. You were? Yeah, I believe that. You're not short. I'm such a huge fan of Tom Cruise. As times have gone on, I mean, he's done such great stuff. I read for Risky Business.

Even though I'm older than him. Roski Beeswax. That's one of his big ones. And then you look at Tom Cruise being Tom Cruise and his commitment. And then in these last 10 years, he's literally willing to kill himself to entertain a group

held his breath for 14 minutes, hanging off planes. I just gotta go see it. 'Cause you know, he's doing stuff where he could be dead, David. - Yeah, he's turning into like David Blaine in these movies. - Yeah, more than the actor. - He's like, I'll jump off a 75 foot cliff. - Okay, this is what I'm gonna do. Okay, okay, look, look, look. You see your card? Look at it, look at it. Now put it back anywhere in here.

Okay, now go walk down there to that 7-Eleven. There's a box of cookies, Oreo cookies. Go look in there and your car will be in there. And sign. Yeah, I love that guy. But I don't blame him. He has a romance with this girl. And we don't know if it's a fomance or maybe even a showmance.

Because it seems to percolate around the time movies come out. I have a girlfriend now and you got to check it out. And it just generates attention to the movie because they say, Tom has a girlfriend. You know, Tom's movie's coming out next week and they bring. So if it's staged, it's fine because she's.

gorgeous girl he should be dating if he's dating her it's all fine but it always happens around she around the movie premiere yeah like you don't want to be cynical about it but she wasn't no she was with ben affleck and there was a call and i don't know if his ai generated okay but affleck called tom cruise and yeah i got her for about six more weeks yeah we're trending good movie's gonna open big the account too yeah when do you want her

All right. So a month before Mission Impossible release. Okay, I'll tell Anna. She's good to go. She's good with this. When does tracking come on? Three weeks before? Okay, that's the latest. Her fee to be your girlfriend before the movie, it's about $300,000 a week. Good with that? Okay, Scientologist. I'm kidding, Tom! Yeah, there's rumors, you know, of...

out here setting people together to help build their careers. They did it in the 1950s. They put Marilyn Monroe with Tony Curtis. It's part of the business. But if they end up married and making a baby, I'm happy for them. Ultimately, when all the dust settles, I'm happy for them. Okay, what's the next big story? What's a big story out there? Probably nothing. Click the button, push the button, and then the story comes.

Okay, wait, don't click it yet. Let's see what it is. Can you read that, Dana? Over, well, with that little triangle over the lettering. 19-year-olds. Oh, over. Over 50% of Tommy John surgeries are now. Oh, over 50% of Tommy John surgeries are on 15 and 19-year-olds. Wow. That's the, for those at home, it usually happens to pitchers in baseball. They throw so hard, but they're teaching kids to throw so hard to get them in the college arena.

It usually happened in the pros after a long time. Oh, this is really sad. You rip out, you know, ligaments in your arm and you have to get this rough surgery. It takes about a year to heal, right? Well, yeah, it is. And it could be a career. Is it always the same? Yeah. You don't know. They're taking ligaments and things and reconstructing it. You know, I see helicopter parents. I see parents living through their kids, like some frustrated dad who never was a starting pitcher. You

You will throw hard when I tell you to throw hard. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You're not going to get into college with 81. Or is it a coach? That should not be happening. Right. But there is stakes are high. Now you get that NIL money. You could just make a tidy living going to college now. You know, you get a couple million for four years of college. Mm-hmm. Like the gymnast. You lose money by, yeah, NIH. Do you own your image and likeness, David? Do you have an NIL, right? Ah.

No, I have a mirror. Do we own our image and likeness, Greg? I don't think we do. In the world? Could I monetize this? Would you sell your image and likeness for $1,000 to AI? What would I net? $300? $1,000 in cash. $1,000 in Trump bitcoins. Hey, man. We're going to do a lot of coins. Okay. Can you look? Can you think? I used to play baseball. That story really hit home with me. I used to be able to throw all the way from catcher

to almost a second base. Track and field, 427 mile at age 17. Why did you say 427? Good job. Sorry. People always say you're good. No, that wasn't that good. There were kids breaking four minutes at senior and high school. Okay, read this one. Let's see. Multi-million dollar life insurance policy unpaid because COVID-backed experimental. Oh, this is interesting. Play this one.

In France, there was an elderly wealthy businessman who got health insurance for millions of dollars. He got the COVID vaccine and he died. So the life insurance company is not paying out because they decided that the COVID vaccine is a medical experiment and death from a medical experiment is not a covered entity. Furthermore, even the judge says that

The side effects from the vaccine are well known. They've been made public. There's absolutely no way that this gentleman could not have known the side effects. He willingly chose to get the vaccine.

And he died as a result. Is she a puppet on his lap or something? It's an odd shot. Oh, did you hear that? Where you said all about the things. And suicides along with death. Oh, they said it's a suicide because he knew the risks of taking a shot. How many die straight up? I know there's side effects with people and heart stuff and all that, but how many people just die straight up taking the shot? I...

I've never heard a scenario where someone had a life insurance policy and then they got the shot, then they died and they go, you knew what you're getting into. So to call it suicide is a little nuts, I think. What page of the contract was medical experiments are exempted from this policy? I mean, read the policy. You kind of go medical experiments. I know all insurance tries to wiggle out of pretty much everything, but.

That one sort of threw me off. And what it is, is this is a story and then there's a woman doing it on her story and she's just reacting to it. So that's why there's two people.

Um, I've had experiences with insurance companies, good and bad. I want to demonize the whole industry, but generally speaking, it's a nasty necessary business that you have to pay these premiums for the what if, what if, what if, and then it's a wrestling match, um, to get, to get paid. But, um,

I haven't, you know, I've had one bad experience with that, but, and it was about, you know, when I sued you. Right. Yeah. Because I stepped on your toe. Because you couldn't get on my driveway. Well, I'm indemnified. I mean, I have so much injury insurance for trying to make it down into this labyrinth cave and all the stairs. Do you think, do you have insurance for when you pull muscles from carrying the show?

Who says I carry the show? I just did. Whoops. No, sometimes you're a little sleepy. You've been coming off the road, you know, your red eye and you've got low blood sugar and a bad back. And that's when I carry the load. I go by this. If Dana's on fuego, let's sit back and watch because it's great. What's fuego? Fire.

Hey, man. He was on fire. He came in on... I was SIL when I came here today. What's that mean? Sorry, I'm late. I was really SIL. I was SIL. You were even called. This will be launched, but by the end of this week, it'll be trending on Daily Mail. Oh, man, SIL. Dana Carvey announced he's SIL. Well, I'm never late. Oh, I know what this is. Can we show this clip? Yeah. We can, right? They'll let us show it. Can I just set it up for a second? Yeah, set it up.

- What are you doing? - Yeah, this is on SNL. I forgot about this. Someone sent it to me, but Michael J. Fox is the host. Kevin Nealon is playing-- - Doc. - Doc. And then I did a kind of a,

too hyperactive uh michael j fox and i played him to him so i think it's good to know what's going on it's funny what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean it's gonna be a great show michael can't you hear that last joke man it

He's pretty good, isn't he? Yeah, he's good. Okay. I'm also excited because tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. And maybe instead of saying, tough of the morning to you, I can say something like, tough of the evening to you. That's the best joke you got. It wasn't even a joke. There's no time to lose. Wait, where are we going? We gotta go back.

All right, we got to go back and stop you before you host the show. That's a good premise. Then we go back in time. Where did you go after that? I think we went back in time and he starts the monologue again. Oh, that's funny. That I had forgotten about, which is kind of eerie. I remember Michael J. Fox on the show and I remember doing all these different things. I forgot about this monologue. He did a good one where they did the child stars robbing people back then. Yeah, yeah. Child stars robbing people. I think Smigo wrote it.

That was funny. Who did you play in that? Do you remember? Were you David Cassidy or something? I think I was David Cassidy. Yeah. I was either David Cassidy or... Oh, yeah. He was Danny Bonaduce, I think. That's what we call now our new Blast from the Past segment. Yeah. Where we show you things from decades ago. If we're allowed to show that. Saturday Night Live will like sue us and block it from YouTube. Okay, what is this next one? This is...

- This is bad. I don't even know what that is. - What? - It's a mixture of fun stories and heavy stories. - This is bad. That's not a cheerful. - Oh, should we even show this? - Oh! - You're always talking about bees.

Oh, yeah. Well, I liked your beekeeper. Bees are dropping. Chase them straight. I call them that. These horny insects. Bees are croaking. They're pollinating more than a third of the country. They should be like a...

It's a pretty good holder. A lot of bee loss out there. Hmm.

We need bees, Dana. I know, remember Jerry Seinfeld's bee story? You know, it's funny because bees, it's not funny, but when I heard the noise of the machines, I thought it was bees inside there. And I was like, get out of there, dude. But yeah, the bees are the backbone or whatever they say, but I said, I always say. Of our ecosystem. Right, they really are. So if I keep hearing this, that bees are dropping like flies. Yes.

And we need them. Not just for honey. You would think that because you're not like thinking straight. I'm not thinking. You're very surfacy. I'm just trying to think when I'll drop a Trump next in the podcast. How do you work Trump into the bees? I work the beekeeper in. A lot of bees, a lot of bees. You know, they make honeycomb.

They love honeycomb. I love humming honeycomb. And they made a cereal. It's great. It's done by Post. I think they made honeycomb cereal. Very popular. You know what the only thing better than bees honey is? Trump's new honey. He makes honey now.

Trump's new honey. We make honey, we make bitcoins, we make it all. He's in every business now. I'll do Biden too if you want. Biden never should have said, he never should have denied. He just should have come out there and go,

He should have said it a year or two. I'm out of my mind. I can't put two words together. I can still do the job. I got my son Hunter a job in Barabousma. He doesn't know anything about it. It's what a dad does. Come on. I'm clearly out of my mind. He would have got reelected just by not pushing back. Right. Just roll with it. Yeah. And the people up front should have said, no, he's impacting ice. We're giving him oxygen and a B12 shot before we stick him out of here. They said, you didn't know who George Clooney was. He goes-

Well, come on. No one's seen him since ER. And they go, oh, that's funny. Yeah, why are they listening to George Clooney? He was on the ER show. Come on. Before that, he was on Facts Alive. Everybody knows that. Come on. It's not Rocket Science. Facts Alive. Facts Alive is George Clooney. As the president, I'm as clear as a bell. No, I'm out of my mind. I can't put two words. If he'd said that, he'd be president. It would be funnier, definitely. Mm-hmm. Okay, so in summary, I'm the Bay Keeper.

Oh, yeah, you said the beekeeper. Which bit in your special, from your feedback, either online or with friends, was the one that landed? Was it the porn on the airlines? Oh, porn always does well. The beekeepers? Beekeeper, they're surprised I did Jason Statham sounding like, I'm the beekeeper.

I keep the bass. And if I sting it. It's actually really good. It's not bad. You've got a good tone in there. Because they don't see it coming because it's all weird. Yeah, I see. I like that because it's just, why does everything have to be exactly current? Everyone knows Jason Statham. It's really about him as a movie star. It's about being on movies. And who he is as a movie star. And on an airplane and you're trying to find a movie and they're all lame. And then it says new arrivals. And I go, I don't think you can call Fern Gully a new arrival anymore, but thank you.

And then I say, so I watched The Beekeeper. Anyway, it's a long bit. It's well worth it. It's at 1410 in the special. But I, you know. Time code. When you think about action stars and stuff, and you're just a pure action star, like Jason Statham, there's something just fun and funny. It's funny how tough he is, yeah. Do you like to dance? Because I like to dance. Every, the first minute of any movie with him,

I go, don't befriend him because he's a beekeeper with the bees living on a farm away from the FBI with a nice family. I'm like, well, they're getting gunned down soon. And lo and behold, yeah, they got shot. Okay, pop quiz for everyone in the room. Action movie. Somewhat of an older guy, but not old, old. Greatest speech ever.

in an action movie over the last 20 years from the kick-ass guy. Dirty Harry, maybe? Yeah. I have skills I've acquired to make me a nightmare for a person like you. I thought that speech, when that speech came out in that movie Taken, and then everybody tried to make action movies, but no one had a speech like that. He's so good at it. Because they take his daughter, and this is the thing that I love in movies, he's not only not afraid...

He just can't wait to kick the guy's ass. There's no sense that he's not... I have skills I've acquired that make me a nightmare. I will find you. I'll hunt you down. And I'll kill you. It's so matter of fact where were you, if someone kidnapped someone you love, what would you say on the phone? Start crying.

How would that sound? No, I like when the guy goes, good luck. And then he keeps playing it. Good luck. And then he goes, some guy goes, taxi. And he goes, that's the good luck voice. I go, that was a tough jump. We're in no country for old men. Oh yeah, he's weird too. Josh Brolin is on the phone and he's being threatened by Javier Barden. And he goes, he says, you won't have to find me.

I'm going to make you my special project. And hung up the phone. It's cathartic because they're so sure of themselves. He didn't make it in the movie. That's a whole other story. Oh, Breaking Bad, when he tells the wife, she goes, aren't you worried about danger? And he goes, I am the danger.

Remember that? Yes. The line is in movies is, I'm not going to worry about what they're going to do to me. They're going to worry about what I'm going to do to them. That's another one that's, you know, that's what I think about before I go out in front of an audience doing standup. When you say- I don't worry about their response. I worry about what I'm going to do to them. That's my real talk. Yesterday, Dana called me. He goes, I think I'm going to walk over to Koi. I go-

Good luck. He goes, what does that mean? I go, good luck. Okay. I have an army of 200 people surrounding your house.

Good luck. You make daddy happy. Well, there's actually 3,000 with grenade launchers and jets are on their way. Good luck. You made daddy even more happy. How do I make you unhappy? And your waiter, there you go. I'd like the quinoa crab cakes and some sushi. And the waiter goes, good luck. And you go.

"Good luck getting my order," or, and everyone just says good luck now. - You triggered me now. I was doing Scarface in "Master of Disguise" and the guy's coming around with hors d'oeuvres and he goes, "Crab cakes?" And I said, "What you're out to do, "they should be called crabby cakes." It's such a bad joke that I love it. - No, I'll take it. - Is the guy supposed to get mad? Hey, don't say that about my crab cakes. They're not crabby cakes. - I'll be saying that next time I order crab cakes.

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Offer valid May 15th through June 4th. U.S. only. See store or online for details. What is this? This is the book of David Spade's quips that we have here on the podcast. Go ahead. If someone's threatening someone, the person who's very brave always says, good luck. Page 382. That's in there? David Spade. Yeah. On this date.

Good luck. They already know it's live from New York, right? My joke was ruined. If we had a book of David Spade, every bit you've ever done, that's a good, you know what? We'll have AI going to make that. I can refer. Listen to my recorder rewinding. Good luck. This is a good one. I am the peak. Listen, ready? Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

Because it's on a table. He keeps playing it, remember? I didn't see the beekeeper. He rewinds it. No, that's the fucking Lee. I'm doing Liam Neeson now. Good luck. My impressions are so bad, you don't even know what movie I'm doing. We need a little bit of an Irish to, I have skills, I'm a choir. That's the guy. And all the bad guys in movies

Because everyone's scared of being racist. That's why superhero movies, the bad guys are made up monsters. In space movies, they're aliens. So that's the safest way to go. Right. If you say any country, any ethnicity, then everyone goes, but taken, they were, where were they from? Like Kazakhstan? You know, it's an indescript middle. You can do Russian, this and that. This is, I'll just make an observation if I can. Yeah.

As a kid, I realized at one point that the bad guys were always incredibly happy and the good guys were tortured. Oh, Mr. Bond, when this bomb explodes, you'll explode.

Be a bad guy. That's the happy guy. That is. Remember when Goldfinger goes, there's sharks down there and he's about to drop Bond and he goes, don't worry, Mr. Bond, they only eat secret agents. And he laughs. Oh, yeah. And the other one, he goes, the laser's going to come up to his balls. Oh, his ball sack, yeah. Goldfinger, what do you want me to do? What do I do? What do you want me to do? And he goes, I want you to die.

Mr. Bob. Sounds like Lovitz. Sounds like Lovitz. I want you to die. But anyway, there is something about people, narcissists, sort of proactive narcissists that are just sort of happy. They just insult people and they're rude and aggressive. And then the people pleaser in the empaths are like, I'm sorry, I hurt your feeling. That's us. That was like a little sketch I did.

Now there's a skim store near me now and I can't stand it, but Kim Kardashian wrapped her Lamborghini in skims underpants. Why is this a story? Is that just a picture? When Kim... Here's the back that would be like the back of the underpants. Here's my underpants. I was posing like that this morning. Does that hurt your back? Well, she looks cute.

I mean, it is a Lamborghini. It is her. She's cute. Is that how you drive with your feet up? Okay, well, Skims, I don't know what it is. Underpants? Skims is basically, it was called Spanx. So they took, they stole the idea of Spanx, which is just kind of a lightweight unitar that will bring your tummy in. I have men's Spanx. I'm wearing a Spanx bodysuit right now. And then they cleverly,

renamed it and kind of took that product and made it their own. And now they're billionaires. Yeah. She's doing just fine. Okay. We'll do another one. Oh, we can wrap it up soon, by the way. How long have we gone? We've done almost an hour. Fuck.

Why is that good or bad? Well, this guy's talented. Let's get this guy an AGT. Let's make this a two-parter. This is when you go, oh, we can do that. That's what we do. Oh, that's a great idea. Just keep going and just get five of them and then have a magic edit man make episodes out of them. Greg will call us up. Hey, I just need you guys to do some intros. That wasn't you. Sorry. I don't have a Greg yet.

When is the last time you dressed like Garth? Last night. Last night? For the wife? No. I'm doing a private event on the weekend, and they asked me if I will dress up as Garth and come out to Bohemian Rhapsody. So it's for a good cause. I love it.

So I said, I'll do it, but I want to be able to, one, don't make the Garth clothes too tight because all his stuff is always very loose. You should rip it off. Two is, and I don't know if they understand this, I want a wig where it just fits on and the bangs cover it. Otherwise you'd have to do lace and gluing and pinning. So I said, as long as I can become Garth in two minutes, go out and go like this. And then they have a traction guy and sort of a ice bath after that. And then I do stand up later. So I'll be in it. Oh, you got to flip your head around.

Well, I'm going to be very careful, David, at this point in my existence. It hurt me then when I did Garth in the car. Maybe if I made it to the 50th, they wanted us to do Garth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You didn't do that. As if. Well.

Garth is my age. Everyone relax. Any corporate gigs, it's funny. They go, you're going to bring me over here. You're going to host the auction. You're going to try to raise some money for this charity. I'm like, check. Come over here. Do your act. Come over here. We got some bumper cars and we throw pies at you. And then my niece is going to shove an ice cream cone in your face. I'm like, okay, sounds good. I have all that. Do you have my Slim Jims and Triscuits backstage? They're like, yep.

All good. I get into the area where I'm going to work at four and I get out of that area at 1030. And you'll be here for. I'm doing tech checks, this, I'm auctioning. 18 and a half hours. Oh yeah, no, yeah. No, and then at the end of the night, seven hours after they have 4,000 drinks is now. And now the comedy styling is, can you do 45 now? It's a six hour show. The best is if you're surprised, you know, you've been to these corporate gigs, it's like an eight hour show.

you know, they're showing graphs and charts. And then they go, all right, guys, go have fun. They go, we have a special guest. I'm like, are we out of here yet? And they go, David Spade, you know him from Emperor's New Groove and Benchformers. And they go, wait, how long is this guy going? And I'm like this. And everyone goes, what's happening?

And the CEO is like, laugh, don't be rude. But they tack you on at the end sometimes. Well, they don't want any political humor. My stuff's not really political. So that wipes out a lot of my act. Without your impressions? No, no impressions, nothing political. But you're not taking a big stance. So I have to dig through my suitcase. The best thing you can hear, I'll just give you inside baseball, for a big ballroom, a corporate date where they're drunk and tired, when they kind of, you're a con,

contracted into a certain amount of time and they go, you could just do 25.

That's great. That's all they need. If the audience is dead at that point and they're thinking about getting to their car or using the bathroom, they don't, you know. They like to see someone from TV in their, in their room. They're like, this is fun. You came all the way here. Yeah. And then you do your stuff. And then after a while they go, I got a feel for it. And then you go, got it. Let's take off. Where does that come from? I got a feel for it. I got a feel for it. Oh, I got a feel for it. That's the name of your tour. Yeah. You're going to announce some dates?

Coming up, Omaha, three cities in Ohio. Did you know there's three cities in Ohio? Three cities in Ohio? Dayton, Chicago, and Poughkeepsie. What a fucking idiot. There's one called Newark, Ohio. There's not a date in Ohio? There is. That's not where I'm going. I'm going Cleveland, Cincy, where my mom is from. Chicago, Illinois. Cincinnati and Newark where...

They're working on building an airport that doesn't work there so they can be like the other Newark. Are you? Oh, I know. Who's going to go into that? I don't like to fly anyway. So why go in? It's a little iffy, but it's open. You know, the radar goes down once in a while. The runway, look, if we had our druthers, it'd be twice as long. Would I use it personally? No. Let's book your flight in and out of Newark. Yeah. I mean, it works a lot of the time, so you should go. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, is it scary? Yes. Is it unsafe? Yes. Do you usually make it? Yes. Sometimes not? Yes. Is the runway really too short for the aircraft? Yes. Can they apply brakes? Yes. Are the landings especially hard because of the short runways? Yes. So anyway, there's a nonstop direct from Newark. Yes. What? Are pilots terrified to land there? Yes. Yes. Does anyone that knows anything about aviation, are they scared? Yes.

Do the pilots wear adult diapers while they're coming into Newark? Yes. Will we lie consistently to make sure you still go there? Yes. Will the flight attendants pretend to be smiling while they're terrified on the climb in and climb out? Yes. If you're 10 hours late, will you get a free drink? No. And when we hit turbulence, we will especially tell the flight attendants to serve lunch and bring the drinks out. When we say we appreciate your patience, do we appreciate it? No.

Don't you love it when it gets really turbulent and they're still just boring? I go, sit down. This is nerve wracking. I know they're like this. I do this all the time. Yeah. Well, this is like chop. Fine. You're on water, right? I hate the feeling. I go, I like it. It's like a roller coaster. I go, shut the fuck up. You don't like it. No one likes it. Well, what I've done lately is I have a book called

And it's a World War II book. And it's about people flying into Germany on B-17s taking flak. And I just think I'm not, I'm not, everyone in that B-17 would love to be in this modern jet. I have a pee pad, like a dog, and I put it under my seat and I go, it's.

You actually have no fear of flying. I've seen you. I do. I'm scared. You don't. You just don't. You're good. You know me. I'm studying the engine, the size of the engine, the metrics. I'm studying the weather. I mean, I'm just, I'm kind of nutty. I'm out there helping them start the prop. Ha-da-da-da. Ha-da-da-da.

All right. I think you should end on that. Well, you have a lot of sound effects I've not heard. The prop plane. Do it again. It's in the jet ski family. Here's a jet ski. It gets water in the car. I'm going to do sound effect in my act, but for today it would be like this.

We appreciate you joining us for an extended version of Superfly. We're going to charge you more. We're supposed to. Our mothership company wanted us to do 30. Well, we messed up once again. There'll always be at least 30, but we always go long as we goof around. Because we love you. We love the crowd. For listening or watching. We love the comments, even the mean ones. Actually, I don't like them.

I'm not afraid to block someone though. No, actually I get a little charged. Hey man, the mean comments tell you, I'll do it as Owen Wilson. Hey man, the mean comments tell you more about the people that are writing them than actually anything to do with you. Look at Greg's eyes are darting. Like they don't know who makes the comments. Greg is trying to catch a flight to a basketball camp. We can wrap it up. Thanks for watching and listening and we'll see you next week. We'd like to take.

Heather, Evan, and Greg for being our audience. You can cut that out. I'm trying to throw him a bone. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it.