SUPERFLY #70 - AGE APPROPRIATE!
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Ask about next card plus choose. People don't hate on the fate of whatever my haircut's called, but they really scalp me pretty well. Let me, can I ask you a question about that? And this is, this is, this is off the cuff, completely unplanned. Like, sure. What were you thinking? I mean, what, what, I mean, cause are you an active litigation with your barber?

Well, my dad, and this is no joke, not getting around here. He'd put a bowl over your head or, you know, and then he'd shave around the sides and

And, um, and you know, I'd go real close right there. And, uh, well, what, why that's called the fade, all the young people, is that, that's what you have the fade. That's the word I've heard, but really it's, yeah, I like it a little long in the back. It's a little slightly Molly. Yeah. Heather likes it. It's fine. I think it's pretty good. It's just, it's all nice the first day. And now I go on the road. I'm actually doing some soft packing right now today.

Don't get me wrong. It's a really cute little cut. I mean, it's a darling style on you, I'll say. Listen, it's a mighty cute cut. You know that bit, right? Yeah. Did I ever do that in the 80s for you? Or do you just know it from here? I know it because me and my friend Jody do it. You can say it. Well, okay. So, folks, this literally goes back to one of my... This is late 70s in college. And I said that...

Men, men, I don't know, the setup, certain things. Men and women are different. Men and women are different. Like a man would never walk up to another man with a new shirt on and go, I got to say, that's a mighty cute top you got on there. Something like that, right? Yep. It's a mighty cute top. Mighty cute top. So even then it was like a catchphrase. I'm king of the catchphrases.

But I like your wave. Looks good. Whatever it's called, fade wave. But when you were a kid and you got that little bowl cut, you're not out trying to get some puss. You're not trying to bang beef. I mean, you're just a kid, right? So you're not heading to the Golden Globes. Just get the hair out of the eyes. That's all the parents are saying. Bang beef? You mean make love to someone? You mean make sweet love and intercourse? Yeah, I think that's what I meant. Came out wrong. Well, we would, you know, basically we got crew cuts.

And my dad would basically shave our heads and we looked like billiard balls. And my mom would come in and go, Dana in the side pocket. It's the easiest cut to do, I guess. By the way, speaking of the award shows, I saw the AMAs. I saw clips. You're the one who saw it. That snuck up on me. I didn't know it was on until eight minutes before. And I said, nah, you're going to do it.

Well, the AMAs, CMAs, AAA towing. I mean, are there any difference? I don't know what they are. I don't know which ones mean more, mean less. Straight As, yeah. Straight As, AA batteries, you understand. The Oakland As. Right.

Your turn. Double Ds. Batteries pervert. Triple A's, bitch! So, anyway, the AMAs, J-Lo's out there huffing and puffing, and I gotta admit, bless her heart, she has her goddamn pedal to the metal. She does not let off the gas. She is...

12 minute cold opening. My God. And she always looks great. She looks, she looks incredible. I don't know if this is true, but I read on, I don't know where I read it, that she will actually have her assistant chain her to a stair master at a 10. So she won't get off of it. Cause. Yeah.

Oh, it's Stairmaster, not even a treadmill. I'm going back to the 90s, man. Well, you know, I mean, here's the thing, and this is kind of a newsflash for people who are still listening at 426 or watching.

that working out your ass is the most important thing you can do. And women in the gym and certain, well, I guess I'll just say it, gay men and women would do a lot of glute exercises. Straight men would go, I ain't working no ass. And that is the most important muscle group for your back, for everything else. Plus girls check out booties too. So, you know, you got to try to give them everything. I will say she did the cold opening. She, who,

hoofed it out you know tapped in whatever she does looks great and then at the end oh she kisses a guy dancer then kisses a girl dancer you gotta have a little clickbait that old chestnut and that is clicking the box let me write that down yeah okay yeah all right here we are oh here we go oh that's a good one she got in there grabbing hair oh okay listen it works

Madonna did the VMAs. That was the first time I saw two girls kiss. I was like, oh. The next level of that is you kiss that and then you go over and you kiss the cameraman. Oh, is that one? Well, mix it up. Do something. Kiss the camera maybe, like right. Oh, I did that as Hans and Franz years ago. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, that was a cold open too. Well, it was if Hans and Fran made a video with candlelight and wine and stuff and were seducing women. Yeah. Well, listen, my little dumpling. And then I was licking the lens. I'm not proud of it. But Lauren said, oh, it wasn't your proudest moment. Maybe this week a picnic with Hans and Fran. You're like, yep. Yeah.

Anything with Hans and Franz is funny. It's funny. Give me the applesauce. Yeah, and if you think you could do it better than me and eat applesauce with a gummy mouth, think again. You're a flabby loser. You think I use a spork? Well, it's like these two insecure, paranoid schizophrenics having this cable show with maybe two people watching, threatening them. If you don't think we're properly pumped up, that was the end. I love it.

I do like that. We'll tell you very quickly before I steamroll over your weekend. I did spend most of the day and night yesterday going to see Mission Impossible. Was it as good as the sequel? Good, good, good, good. As good as the prequel. Is it good? I heard it was good. Well, it's a little bit like... It's the eighth one. So a little bit like Fast and Furious. Do we need a... Well...

It's sort of... How can I... First of all, no spoilers. I'm trying not to do spoilers. Don't do spoilers. I won't. When he dies at the beginning, that feels like a spoiler. No, no. You could tell. You could tell. Tom Cruise is not going to die at the beginning. No. The funny thing is it's AI-centric, the plot. The last one was all about AI. Oh, it was? Yeah. Maybe...

Oh, because they kept saying this is a standalone movie. Maybe it was supposed to be the second half of that one. I don't know. I think they kind of connected. Anyway, the crew is back. Mm-hmm. And...

His girlfriend is more age appropriate. She's only probably 30 years younger this time. That's great. Anyway, that's funny. Well, Tom Cruise, you know, I don't know what people do these days, but he's got a great mop of hair. He looks very good. The hair is very mop-ish. First of all, it has to be. It's windblown in every scene. He's on a propeller. He's on a submarine. He's just getting blown all over.

And the funny thing is, of course I watch because in the new world you go, Tom Cruise, he's older than me, but I go, you know, he looks good obviously. But then I go, oh, he's a little puffy. And this, then you get in this world of like, if he looks a little old, you say he looks old. If he looks like better, you go, he's had work. This is, you can't win. Yeah.

These stars can't win. The only way to win is just go halfsies. Now he's got chestnut brown hair, full mop. And I had a friend, Gary Prince from New York. And, you know, he would always look at someone in their sixties and go, yeah, give me a, wait a minute. Not one gray hair, not one, but I don't judge any of it because look, I figured this out last week. And I don't know if I told you, but you are the product. So Tom Cruise,

He is the product. And we want Tom Cruise. We don't mind him looking a little older, but we don't want Grandpa Cruise. So do the little fillers. Do a few things. Just don't turn into a freak. That's David. Right. I think the idea, and you're right about this product thing, is you are the product. You have to sell yourself. You're the Twinkie.

and Twinkies always stay the same. Now, if Twinkies look old and beat up, you don't want them anymore. Exactly. And Liam Neeson at 77, they put him in an overcoat now. I don't like what you're saying. All he has to do is go like that, and they cut. So Tom Cruise can do this. Liam Neeson's wearing Spanx. And he's 6'4". Yeah, go ahead. So Tom Cruise looks good. I mean, this movie, I was comparing it, like many of us, to Busboys.

And I was like, you could fit three bus boys. I mean, this movie is long. It's so complicated. Bus boys, we're trying to make it very simple. I mean, our audience is going to be two to five-year-olds. So we're like, let's make it the simplest thing. We're two bus boys that want to become waiters straight out of life. It's called a low-budget comedy. They never call it a low-budget action adventure with Tom Cruise. That doesn't exist. Dude, me getting out of the car is our only stunt.

Me going like this. Oh! Well, let me ask you a question. Yeah. We're not going to give away anything. No. But did you ever say, did you go alone to the movie theater? You know, you kind of go solo or you went somewhere? I've gone in my more...

Twilight years to the movies alone. If I feel like it, I don't really get worried about it, but I did go with someone last night. Yeah. So was there ever a stunt where he's hanging by his pinky from the Golden Gate Bridge or whatever he's doing, jumping out of a rocket ship? Did you ever say to yourself or out loud in the theater, get the fuck out of here? Yes, you did. Yeah.

Well, when a giant that looks like the peanut M&M cartoon, but it says AI on it, and he's like fighting AI, I'm like, oh, that seems a little cheap. No, actually, I'm going to go down, Heather. Here we go. I'm switching. Watch this, everybody. Talk about stunts. What does he do? What? Mickey Rooney just showed up. Give me some height. So listen.

Tom, Thomas Mopather Cruz comes out and the movie's a little lengthy. There's a couple of things we don't need. I came in a half hour late and I nailed it almost perfectly. Saw Nicole Kidman come in. She still gets a smattering for that goddamn AMC commercial where she walks in the theater. By the way, there's three commercials and four nine minute long previews. Let's go. Let's go.

Well, they picked Nicole Kidman because actually they announced that this week she will not be filming a live streaming show. And it went global. So that's why she's like, enjoy the movies because she hasn't been in a movie theater a while. Well, actually, Baby Girl, she did where she. I go pee pee. I go pee pee. Yeah, she she was on all fours and was licking the milk, you know. But I mean, who doesn't do that? They said it was kinky. Really? Yeah.

You want to see my audition for baby girl? That's me drinking the milk. Then I go, I can, I go pee pee. That's what she says, right? Something like that. Well, there's a plethora. Do you remember you went to state school? Is it kinky? There's a plethora of movies with women of a certain age, like say late forties to early sixties becoming women.

highly highly erotic and sexualized and nicole kidman is is the queen of that right now and i i commend her she's a great actress very pretty um she's um great just great everything she does sar sar in la when she was in snl sar in australia dana

Oh, you never told me about that. Ran into her smack dab in her hometown. And what'd you say? Well, golly gee, Miss Kidman, I did pick some wildflowers for you. No, my friend was embarrassing. What did he do? The quick story. There's no quick story. She was perfectly lovely. And I saw her at a restaurant once after SNL. She said hi to me.

So at least you remembered sort of some of the cast and crew. She's cool. Very polite, yeah. So I go to the Joder premiere in Australia, but we go the night before. We're invited to...

the Baz Luhrmann movie you know what is that called where Baz Luhrmann yeah that guy yeah what's that called Moulin Rouge he did that Moulin Rouge yeah it was yeah how did Dana get that before you because I did an event she goes because Dana's listening I'm actually listening no no Moulin Rouge so we go and they have every cinema that's what they call it and they have booze there so me and my friend go in and my friends you

you know, sort of a super plus one. He's immediately wasted. He's baked. He already got weed from the bodyguard. So Boulin Rouge is like watching, you know, sort of a strobe light. So it's not exactly for me. It's dancing. It's fanciful and there's lights. And she's in it. It's the premiere. Yeah. We go in, me and my buddy say, you know, I got a feel for it. So we go, let's go to the bar. So we go to the bar.

We're coming back. No one's in the lobby anymore. Two bodyguards, Nicole Kidman, sitting there holding her shoes. And I'm like, and he goes, that's Nicole Kidman. I go, is it? And we walk up and she's on like a little tiny loveseat couch, you know? And the two bodyguards are there and she goes, oh, hey. I go, hey. I go, this movie's great. And she goes, oh, why are you out here? And I go, oh. Popped. Didn't think there'd be a follow-up.

So then, blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, oh, why don't you sit down? And my buddy sits next to her. Before I can move, my buddy. Heather's not surprised. She knows him. Sits down next to her and I go, oh, and the bodyguard's like, you know, they don't know. I don't know if they know me. They don't know anything. But she's being friendly. And this is right after she broke up with Tom Cruise. So they're, you know, she's like Lady Diana down there. They loved her. Oh, yeah. So-

Bodyguards like this. I'm like this. Waiters like this. Sharks like this. And so I say blah, blah, blah. And then I, oh, I can't even say what I said, but it was, I was a little. You can say it on this podcast. I think I said something like, oh, she had a, this sounds so horrible and she'll kill me because it was embarrassing to her. I said something to the apologetically effective because she had her

I think she had slightly, barely hairy legs. Well, so she's wearing a just- Just because she's so faint, redhead, I don't know. And she said, oh, are you noticing that my legs are hairy? Is that not normal? And I said, oh, I just think, you know, I think I joke and was like, well, hey, the marketing campaign's back on. She goes, oh my God, I have to shave my legs? I just shave them.

I don't know, below the knee or whatever it was. And I said, oh yeah, I don't really know for sure all the rules. And then my buddy goes, the whole setup was not that weird, except my buddy leans over and goes, I think you have great legs. Touches from the knee down to her foot.

Everyone froze. The bodyguards like Ramjet, Ramjet, Eagle, Eagle, bogey, bogey. Wow. Crazy, crazy. Did someone put hands on your body? Yeah, they go, hey, sir, sir, sir. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, you can't. You don't touch the princess of Australia. I've had two celebrity tap outs. And the celebrity tap out is like, I'm happy about it. Like I was at an event.

And Julia Roberts was over the way. And for some reason, I thought I should say hi. We were going to do a Shakespeare thing. I like celebrity tap outs. Go ahead. Just celebrity tap outs. So I started to walk over with a big shit-eating grin. And then I saw her kind of look down like that because I understood she didn't want the...

Hey, you know, I got to say, you know, when you did this movie or that movie. So then later on, it's Tom Hanks's event. We'd go there and read Shakespeare and act goofy. It is a theater. And she was so we ended up having lunch around this big table and she was super cool. So I use my trick.

That never has failed. And I go to the person next to that camera, movie star it was. And I said, have you ever had a supernatural experience besides meeting me?

And then everyone goes around and has a- Everyone goes around with a poltergeist scary story and everyone gets excited. The only one over by himself, this is like six movie stars and me, is Keanu Reeves seated by himself facing away. And we're like, come on over. And that guy is the coolest. Oh my God. But I also had the same thing. I was in-

I don't travel much, but I was in Paris in a cafe in the morning with my wife. And I don't like small town either. Country drop, city drop. Here's one you won't expect. Little Parisian cafe, late morning. Ooh.

Guy comes in, he turns, he sees me and immediately turns away. So I don't know if I'm recognizable in that way, but he immediately turned away. And then I pivoted and turned away. And that person was, guess. Gary Oldman. Joaquin Phoenix. Oh, good one. Who is the coolest, I know. Yep. But I didn't want to have small talk with him and he didn't want to have small talk with me, you know, so. Oh, yeah. He's cool. I'd say Joaquin Benicio-

Keanu, all those guys are the cool guys out there. I love it. Keanu Reeves is... Whoa. Oh, God. I don't think... I mean, he was Ted. I was Garth. We could have been Ted. It was Bill and Ted. Was he Ted? Bill and Garth. Bill and Garth and Ted and Wayne. That would be the matchup. You know what? That should have been a big fucking matchup. Well, with Chad GBT, look for that soon.

Let's look at a clip. Let's look at a clip. Julia Roberts, huge star, by the way. Absolutely. Okay, so. Absolutely, and incredibly nice. Once she saw, I wasn't going to be slobbering on her and fanning out and was regular. ♪

Dana, I'm a little bit of a spendy Susie. A boozy Susie and a spendy Susie. I'm more of a boozy Susie, but yeah. You are a spendy spender, yeah. And a lot of our listeners are nice enough to write in and say, you look like you drank a lot and slept on your face. But that's just constructive criticism. Well, it's very concise and you don't really drink very much, I'll tell the fans. Just puffy. Yeah.

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Hey there, Podcast Universe. It's Brian Greene from the mediocre comedy podcast sensation, The Commercial Break. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And in an effort to drive some awareness about your mental health awareness, my co-host and I are going to drive ourselves crazy

by doing 12 episodes in one day. That's right, May 31st, 2025, starting at 10 a.m. East Coast time, we'll be recording and publishing 12 brand new episodes, 11 and a half of which no one has asked for. We'll be talking to some of our noted friends like Tig Notaro, Reggie Watts, and Tom Papa. We'll be taking calls from listeners. We'll be celebrating five years of doing this show, and we'll be making our best effort to stay awake the entire time.

Listen to the commercial break wherever you listen to your podcasts or visit our website, tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, more information about Chrissy and I. You can find us on our network partner's phone application. That's Odyssey. It's a free app, so go ahead and download it. Stream us there. Best to you. Yeah, Dana, I travel all over and sometimes, you know, you're on the road. Sometimes I get stuck.

with a hotel I don't love. And, uh, what happens is you think you see a few pictures, we look online, then you get there. And sometimes I was like, I should have tried to do an Airbnb on this one, you know? Yeah. I was on a road trip to Montana and we stopped in Winnemucca, Nevada and Winnemucca, uh,

There's a toddler in town. Let's just say there wasn't maybe the best choices in Winnemucca. So an Airbnb would have been a much better choice, but I still had a good time in Winnemucca. Don't want to badmouth the town. You know, people can also take their houses and make them Airbnbs. That's the other flip side of that. You know, you go stay at nice ones, but if you have a place...

It could be big or small. You know, you never know. Yeah. And while you're away, your home could be an Airbnb. Yeah. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.

I'm still embarrassed by Nicole Kidman's story that I told you that, and she was part of that disaster, but she was very friendly about it. She's told the guys, it's okay, it's okay. And then we excused ourselves and slinked. Senses is a rare live podcast. I'm just checking. David Spade dishes about Nicole Kidman's hairy legs. Hairy legs. Don't even say that. She is a great person. So there you go. You're fine. By the way, should we do a live podcast or would that be, it doesn't matter.

I think it's go to the YouTube comments. At some point we should, this is going to be released in 45 minutes. So it's almost like Greg has to do a three week edit. You know, I want it. I don't, I don't, I don't think anything gets edited out of our stupid show. No, our stupid show. That's the subtitle. So by the way, on Amazon, dandelion is still playing.

Yes. And thank you for bringing it up. And I, if I, I'm sort of talking with them about a special and the working title is Sticker Bush. That's the name of an OnlyFans I follow. Oh yeah, that's not exactly. You know, I saw a dandelion today and I filmed it, even though no one could give a fat fuck. But I've seen three in a row in a patch of grass. You will never believe this.

And they are all by themselves. There's not any other. There's just those. I like the white ones. I didn't even know the yellow ones were dandelions, just to be honest. So I just like the fluffy white ones. You know, you blow on them. So they sit there very fragile. They sit there and I'm like, again, I film them. I'll put them in my stories, but.

And then everyone will be so excited. But it's crazy. Well, let me ask you a question. Crazy. Not crazy. Does the dandelion, as a way of having kids and propagating seeds, does it like to be blown on or would it rather have the wind take its stuff? It would rather have straight sex.

Now, I think, is that what it does? The seeds go out? I don't know. That's usually about, you know, in the springtime, the wind comes and the flowers go all over the place. Oh, that makes more sense. College of San Mateo, I don't really. But I did want to just sing the praises of Amazon, not just because you're on Amazon, Dandelion, available right now on Amazon Prime. It's why in the fog...

Is it so easy to receive and send packages on Amazon compared to FedEx, UPS, or going to some, the Gap site or anything? USPS. They fight you. And I figured it out that Amazon was sitting around, okay, we're going to deliver packages. All right, Wilson, what's your idea? Well, I'm saying this and I'm only going to say it once. What is it, Wilson?

We're going to leave the packages. Are you out of your mind? We'll put a sticker on the mailbox or on the gate, and then they'll come drive to us and get the package. Otherwise, it'll be stolen. Some will get stolen, but we're going to make a fortune if we leave the package because they don't fight you. And when you go on Amazon Prime, I sent my brother 20 pounds of peanut brittle for $1.99, and he got it two days later.

50th birthday? I mean, it is so easy to receive and send shit on Amazon. It's addictive, but they are incredibly efficient. I agree with you that they said, Jenkins, what do you think we should do? What would make a better service? And he goes, as fast as effing possible, we get them. You know, you can order on Amazon. I think Heather will vouch at noon and get it by like five that day. Is that possible, Heather? Yes, you can get it. You can get it.

You pay, but you get it. You pay $200 and get a phone cord. It works. Yeah. During breakfast, I realized I forgot my toothbrush and I ordered and I get it. It's basically this. You go to the post office, you deal with the UPS. Their whole attitude is, what the fuck do you want? Yeah, get out of here. With Amazon, it's like, can we help you? Want to order again? That's a really smart thing. Order 1,200 bottles of baby oil. Do you want to see a space?

Baby oil. Well, whatever you do in your spare time. I'm having practice freak-offs. Just one case of baby oil. Just trying to get the beats down, see how they work. Mm-hmm.

but if you go to FedEx sometimes, yeah, they leave a sticker. You have to drive the middle of nowhere. 60 miles away. It's just not, it's just, and when you try to order something online, it's not Amazon. Who has the time? You put in your credit card info, you put everything, and then just red things come up. No, no, no. It's too much. Try again, bitch. Okay, last thing I'll tell you, if that's the last thing you're saying, is I'm worried about

Here's a prediction. It's very bold, Dana. I want to hear it. Okay. I think you can handle it. I'm a little parched. This better be a good one. Take a sip. I feel like because of AI, it might be the end of Instagram pretty much in a couple years and OnlyFans. Because when you go on Instagram, what are you really looking at? You're looking at photos. You don't know for sure if they're doctored. Nope. Videos of people.

doctor sports news they have you know they have like the announcers going and this fat fuck comes out the base he throws it out oh shit man i would have pissed my pants and that but you know and it's the real guy's voice and it's a real scene you don't know and they have newscasters going well and more bullshit news today they tell a real story and you're like did they say that like

And so it's getting so blurry, it makes me want to look at Instagram less because you just, you'll send somebody something, they go, fake. Dude, this guy can't fall that far. This truck can't jump like that. And you go, well, so it takes the fun out of it. Well, look here, let me set the table for you. Okay. Alphabet, i.e. Google, its parent company, just released some videos, i.e. short films. Okay. This week.

And they showed them alongside another AI short film from a year ago. It's extraordinary. It looks like real people acting in real movies. There is no real people. There is no real set. There's card. Fearful. It's perfection. So very soon, if bus boys is a hit.

For the second Busboy movie, all you need is to get a prompter to go with AI and go, Busboy, the sequel. This time, Theo Vaughn loses the girl. Press the button, sit back, and you'll have the movie. Busboys 2, even stupider.

that's what it's called you you prompt it and then you'll have the movie completely ready to go on google or amazon or in a movie theater and it'll all be made up by a computer people care about an ai movie not if they'll love it if they can't tell any difference that if we say we went and filmed it that's a good trick well here here here's the deal we can make

Wayne's World 3. It'll look just like Mike and I 35 years ago. Oh, I see. There might be something. Maybe if it's your real voice, not AI, and Mike wrote it, you guys write it. So it has some realistic realism to it. Because I don't know if everyone's going to buy just... They might. I'm just more nervous about it because...

Things seem fake everywhere then. Well, that definitely, you can't believe anything you see. And it is terrifying that they can make digital copies talking and doing obscene stuff. But the studios, I mean, the cost of just having the computer make the movie, but it looks just like Mission Impossible. You don't have to get the helicopter up in the sky. I think it's kind of inevitable. Dude, Tom Cruise does his own stunts. You don't even need to. What?

I mean, he's hanging off this. He's on a biplane. He's in a submarine. He does some stuff that's so crazy. I do see some easy trims in that movie. I'm no expert. But if people are fidgeting... They do go full length on those movies. Yeah. They spend so much, they want it all on screen. I think that's what happens. The thing is, is that the director, they have to tamp Tom down. Because Tom...

Cruz seems to have no fear of anything. Yeah. And so he has suggested they had a biplane with a prop.

And he said, put the prop plane on. Get the propeller going full speed. I'll put my head down, and I'll sprint into the propeller. Through it? Yeah. Through the propeller. And they explained to him, Tom, no, the propeller's going to chew up your head. And he goes, come on, man. It's moving quite fast, Tom. They do have to keep Tom under wraps. He says, what if I have to propeller just trim me ball hair? What?

Why are you like a pirate? Me bowl hair.

it sounds funny and they go tom is that your compromise the only compromise have they ever suggested a stunt to tom cruise where he said get the fuck out of town no way man that's too dangerous i don't think you know what i'm trying to think of the one they said oh this is the one he does and i'm like trying to remember it from the movie where the one is like oh that was crazy and i'm like i don't even remember where he's walking on a biplane this has all been in the trailer oh i didn't watch the trailer plane he's

You know, yadda, yadda, yadda. There's submarine stuff. There's cold water. But I do feel like he's like... I don't know a cartoon character like Marmaduke or something where everything bad keeps happening to him. I don't know what's a good cartoon character. Because he goes, I'm just going to run to this submarine real quick. And then it's like...

He gets, you know, he's on the biplane. He gets a splinter in his hand from the wing. It's just, then he does this and they run out of gas. It's like whatever is in front of them, there's nine things that happen simultaneously.

everything goes wrong and you go, whatever could go wrong. It's exhausting. And he's just goes and goes and goes. But I don't know at this point, what can you say? I mean, we all saw him driving around James Corden and planes and jumping out of planes. And yeah, I just want to know how to be less afraid of life, you know? Yeah. He's not afraid. Yeah. I'm on like a, you know,

Just a regular Southwest Airlines and I'm kind of sweating. He's hanging by me. So anyway, I do. Overall, it was worth seeing because all that craziness, there's a lot of fun to it. What about Lilo and Stitch? Fuck them. You know what? That was harsh. That was harsh. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know who they are. Yeah. If I saw Lilo and Stitch at the Golden Globes, I wouldn't know who they are.

I would have no, no, no. I think it's Lilo and Stitch or Lilo and Stitch. No, it's all right. There's too much content. It's not because of our age group. It's not for me. You can't see everything. I mean, you're like an award show guy. You're never going to miss the Grammys or whatever. I mean, you're glued to the tube. Someone's getting an award. I'm glued to the indies at Cannes to play at one in the morning with a 45-minute standing ovation.

Is there any chance, any chance you'll get nominated for Busboys for an Oscar? Oscar? Probably not. What could you get? Fan favorite, probably. Razzie? I mean, we're always in danger of being up for Razzie.

Anyone in these comedies that people just want to poohoo on. Yeah, I don't buy all that. Is that a word? All right, let's get to the hot stories. We're really wasting everyone's time. They're just doing their dishes right now.

It's low pressure. I just like this title. I don't know what this is about. I like it already. The human body is not meant to piss every day. Toilets have made our bladders soft. The human body is not meant to piss. A healthy human should be able to piss up to 30 feet. What the fuck is this AI? In time, the faster the distance is met, the healthier your body is.

urinary tract is. Let me write that down because I'm going to type it into a post later. The faster the distance is met, the healthier your urinary tract is. That's exactly right. It's kind of like a larynx. Expound on that. Have you ever seen a healthy larynx? I've seen scans. Sure. When you're looking at a scan of a healthy larynx, sound is coming out. You can measure sound. Right. In terms of how hard it is. Okay, that's enough. With human body.

All right. I like the guy that writes, I'm trying to get mine to 35 feet. Dude, mine barely makes the commode. The commode? The bathroom. I don't know. I'm starting to think if I ever did any kind of urinary. Have you gone all day without peeing? Never. Nope. Unhealthy. Unhealthy.

You're defeated. You go, hmm. Well, we talked about that. If you have surgery, you come out of surgery. It doesn't have to be major surgery. Oh, that's right. Then you either have, at a certain point, they say, you got to pee or I'm going to have to calf you. It's like a pencil. They go, what is bigger than me?

Where it's going. A full pencil? Okay, let's get that size. And the nurse and two guys from Game of Thrones ram it into my wiener. Yeah! Oh, Heather said she has never heard me scream that loud. She was down the hall. And when the nurse goes, okay, you woke up from your hernia. You're all good. You made it. Now, the part I don't like to tell you about. See this? Looks like a Slim Jim.

We're going to ram this. I go, why are you waiting? I was asleep for five hours. You wake me up for the worst pain in my life. And then she does it. And I was like, no. Richard Belzer said he took his cat in and the guy had to check his butt. So the doctor takes this huge finger and rams up the cat's ass. And the cat goes, meow. Okay. Heather, you okay?

when this fake story about a cat heather's mad about that whatever happens to me with a doctor any kind of checkup or anything i say yeah let's do it let's do it any kind of anything i do that that would be embarrassing i always go the opposite there's men are too embarrassed and i go let's do it let's go for it so they go you have to whack off into this uh glass for a sample i go leave the door open where are you going

Exactly. Where are you going? And they want you to give a urine sample and go, if you got a bigger cup, doc, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Lords preserves. Yeah. I used to do this bit of, this is kind of in the general area, a bit I dropped because it's kind of blue for me.

You know, ears, nose, and throat. It's kind of specific. You know, what do you do here? I do ears, nose, and throat. Anything else? No, it's just ears, nose, and throat. And then next door is the guy with the shingle. He's a doctor. Goes toes, balls, and ass. That's all he does. Toes, balls, and ass. Just three things. David? Shoulders, nips, and pubes. Ha ha ha!

I was waiting for it. And that was a good one. Something. It is funny. Ears, nose and throat. You know, can you, can you, can you help me with my, my, uh, my no, nope. I'm just ears. No, nothing about it. Nothing with the ear. I go ears, nose and throat. What about the eyes? Get the, get your eyes. Don't even know how they work. Don't have no idea. I have a pain in my, no ears, nose and throat. All right. Next story.

Next story. We got that one good. We got that one good. This is going to be the craziest road rage I've ever seen. So she walks up. Oh, road rage. Here you go, Heather. Pulls up her dress and diarrhea's all over her car. What? Walks back to her car. I like the term diarrhea's. And smiles for the camera. Is she just diarrhea on my car? Yeah. How can you just diarrhea on command like that? That is a gift. A gift. I don't...

I don't think we should be allowed to show videos that are that sexy. I don't think it's fair. Dude, is this OnlyFans? What are we watching? That's a keeper. That's a keeper. You want a girl that can diarrhea when you're mad at someone? Hey, go diarrhea on them. Well, we've covered urine and feces. I don't know what... Look it, we work a little blue this week. It's fine. It's an adult show. We're not making up. This happened out in the world, so we're just reporting the news. Yeah.

I'd say it's... Don't hate the player, hate the game. Okay, here we go. Monkey. Look at, monkey's the dog. Oh, and he paints.

Monkey, a one-of-a-kind artist who also happens to be a Belgian Malinois. Looks like he's stressing. Monkey has achieved fame not only for his tricks and movie roles, but for his extraordinary talent as a painter. There's no way he painted that. Get out of town. Fuck off, Monkey. There's no way. Monkey, you lying piece of shit. His abstract pieces are dynamic and expressive. He's spinning his head around.

Maybe that one. There's not that one. There's not that one. I can't do that. No, now they got a little... It's funny. It's not even AI. It's faker. Monkey is the only dog in the world capable of producing artwork. Monkey is so... His dog has captured the hearts of many, setting him apart as a trailblazer in the world of canine creation.

Unless you have a lot of paintings by monkey. Way to go, monkey. It looks like your art a little bit. What? You mean like a monkey could do it or a dog? No, you have artwork. Yes, I do. Maybe I'll share it with the audience. Let's show it next week because I said I wanted one for my house a long time ago. I know. Because I thought it was quite good.

And then remember, I wasn't it wasn't monkey good, but I called you when you and asked you to still want some of my artwork. And I guess you just had a bag of Cheetos or something like that. I couldn't. So I just hung up. Oh, yeah. But I did want it still. You know, it doesn't you have some great stuff in your home, but it's not valuable. I mean, it's not valuable. Yours? No, I'm just saying, you know, no, you have nice.

Oh, yeah. No, mine's trash. Yeah, it's not valuable. Something for the walls.

It comes to the house. I keep it. Yeah. Photos and stuff like that. Okay. And what we realized, we all agree, both judges agree, the monkey's trying to bullshit everyone. I thought it was a very funny, well-done parody of a dog that could actually paint. I think they were serious, though. That's the sad part. Really? I think it was a joke. And they did put the brush in the dog's face and have it go like that a little bit. Do they go like this up close? It's really good. Then they show him in his mouth. He's like, er, er, er.

He doesn't know anything. Monkey going there. Spinning his head around. Look, dog people always want their dogs to be human. Of course. And that's just the fun of it. They're like, didn't Oprah say that's just as profound as having a kid getting a puppy? How would you like to be a dog named after another animal? That's embarrassing. Yeah.

Oh, so it's a dog and they call it monkey? Yeah. That is kind of cruel. It's kind of rude, actually. I would have called it... Yes, go ahead. Even if you call it Jack or something, then you're like, ooh, you're like a human to me. You're like a friend. If I had a beautiful golden lab, I'd call it Larvi. That's one of the top names this year. I tried to stop monkey. Larvi! Larvi! Larvi! Larvi! Larvi!

I may get a dog soon, but I'll wait till I, cause I really do love dogs. They're uppers. I mean, they're just like for sure. I didn't stop. My friend got a little baby beagle.

Would you ever do a beagle with a big floppy ears or sort of cute? Beagles are actually badass. Like beagles will go on your property, look at a gopher hole and, and stand over with it just in stand for hours, not moving, wait until a gopher comes in. So they're actually really, really cool. You can do stuff with them. You know, I know a girl that can come over if you have a gopher hole and then she'll squirt diarrhea in it.

Is there no end to the scatological? Well, it was one of the hot news stories. I know. Well, look, I did my toes, balls, and ass, doctor, so I can't. I'm not going to judge you. You're a comedian. No one's blaming you. I'm the one that's filthy. You're good. I'm not a prude about it. I'm trying to think. What's your favorite scatological joke? I don't know.

Now, I can't say that, but I don't know that one. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm not that dirty. My act is probably R-rated, but it's not really offensive. No, it's not. It's not blue, blue. Not even close. No. All right, next one. Let's see what we got. Anything fun?

I found a kid who swings a golf club like a dream. I'd like to try to qualify him for the U.S. Amateurs. Coming to Apple TV+. What's your name? I'm not into older guys, but I'm flattered. A new comedy series, Stick. I don't want to go on this trip. Your mouth's saying one thing, but those eyes are saying something else. From the home of Ted Lasso. Is he your shot at redemption? This is your mulligan? Owen Wilson. This game takes and it takes. The game's finally giving me something.

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Membership required. Subject to terms and conditions. Applies to orders over $35. Mm-hmm. A closer look for you. Okay. Basketball. Oh, this is how bad basketball is getting. What is this? Oh, it's like a foul or something. Oh, they're all fighting. What is going on? Okay, it's the beginning of a melee. Now they're just... Who is she? Oh, a mom punches him. Oh, a mom started the fight? Oh...

Oh, the mom comes and tries to take out Jack Harlow, whoever that kid is. Wow, I do not want to get beat up by a mom. But which one was mom? Number 12? Weber? Was that a... What's that? Oh. Oh, and...

I think it's a little too rough. Well, that's a little dark. Yeah, a little dark. But yeah, it's all right. I mean, listen, the news is out there. We're trying to protect America from the real news. All our listeners. Right. We're just giving them little blibs and blabs. Yeah, we want you to, when you click off on this, we don't want you to go, whew. We want you to go, ha ha, that was fun. Yeah. Even though we do break that rule sometimes. Yeah.

Okay, next one. Let's see. Let's see. Oh, this is me when I'm angry and old. It's a cat one, Heather. Watch this. Oh, another cat. Okay. That's it. What was that? Was that slow motion or something? I like it. He goes, he goes. Oh.

Met you at a singles bar going up to a woman. I go, hey, good looking. Good looking. Cats are gnarly in that way, you know. Okay. Same weight class. Cat versus dog. Who wins? I say cat because it's got the claws and the teeth. And the energy. They're so fast. Yeah. They go crazy. They're all kind of pent up and mad at all times.

Well, I had... I look at Heather to get a reaction. She goes like this. She's the great cat defender.

Yeah, we had a cat named Boots. Oh, right, your stupid cat. What was the joke you said? Because he had fur on his toes. Well, Boots would, you know, when you're a kid and the cat would find its way to your bed, I was on a bunk bed and get up and it would sit on my chest and its face would be looking right at me and it would be purring and kneading my chest and purring and purring.

And I'm looking at the cat in the eyes and I'm like, I'm going, is this cat getting off on this? I know. I think they are. That was my joke. You'd say that. I thought you said boots because he had white.

On his feet. Oh, no. Boots. Yeah. We call him boots because of that. Cause he had white, white, you know, but this is the one of our kids. The one I wanted to tell you was my cousin who has dogs, loves dogs. He's a really strong guy. He's a pole vaulter. And he always said, well, basically don't be afraid of a dog. Cause all it is, is a mouth. That's it. Just a mouth. So a dog, a big dog came running at him and he was going out for a run. He grabbed it.

and picked it up and threw it over a fence. Didn't hurt the dog. So the dog is, the next thing it knows, it's on the other side of the fence. So remember, don't be afraid. Just pick the dog up, surprise it, pick it up and throw it over a fence. If you're strong, yeah. If you're strong. Do you know, Dana, when I'm on a plane, I always wonder, how long am I allowed to talk to somebody's baby? You know what I mean? Before it gets weird.

Like I get about three questions. I go, hi. It's one. And then I go, what's your name? And they tell me, and then I go, how old are you? And then after that I go, what's your snap? Is that a baby? You're talking about a toddler. No, I'm talking about like, you just see, let's say you see like, like an 18, a two year old. Yeah. Cute. Yeah. And you're like, so cute. Aren't you cute? Then that's how far you get. You can't go.

No, you're really cute. You can't change your voice. You have to keep it like this. So cute. You can't go really cute. Good looking, actually. I know. They even the baby or the toddler seems patronized. You're like, yeah, you know, you want some candy? They just look at you like there's a creepy old man. You're like, I'm three, not two. Quit trying to talk. Look at this ding in my nose. Can you see that ding?

It's fine. I can fix it. Won't. Won't. Oh, you have a little nose issue? Okay, we're going to talk about that next week. Mostly say to the parent, right? Adorable, right? Oh, adorable. Really a cute kid. You got to keep it light. Like, aren't you a cutie? You can't go, aren't you a cutie?

Well, you know I have this little anxiety about flying, but I am getting better. But maybe five years ago, there's a baby behind me, and we're going down, and the baby's starting to cry.

And we're about to take off and it was kind of rough weather. So I'm feeling really anxious. So the baby's screaming was an actual soundtrack of what was inside my head. I have sound effects too. I like that one. And I'm thinking the same thing. People are going to shut that baby up and go, I'm just not screaming, but that's what's inside my head.

That's what it's like. You're not a great flyer, but you get through it. Oh, still going. Thumbnail, thumbnail alert. Ha ha ha!

Whoops. All right. Well, I think in hindsight, in summary, Dana, we did a good job. We gave them a high quality show. I think it was good. It's just two friends talking. Maybe it wasn't our funniest. It wasn't our darkest. It wasn't our weirdest. This is episode. It could have been our greatest podcast. We try not to judge, you know.

Steps of 1,000 and 100 million. Yeah. Don't be mad. All right, so we'll see everybody next week, I guess. Next week, we've got a doozy and or a humdinger planned. Oh, my God. Heather's already here with us. All right. I'm going to jump off, Dana. Just give me three steps. Okay. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it.