SUPERFLY #71 - Womp Womp Womp
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Growing up, and this is a true story, my family used to take road trips from California to Montana every summer, seven of us in a station wagon, air conditioning only for the front seat. And we would go and look and seriously, they'd be freezing up there and we'd be heating up in the back.

But it was always like where we stay, you know, and sometimes it got really complicated. I mean, one time we just could not find a motel in Winnemucca, Nevada. And so we just pulled off on the side of the road. So, you know, remember, listeners, your house can become an Airbnb. And actually, I've got an upcoming trip planned soon. While I'm away, I could totally Airbnb my spot.

And why not? My home could be someone's perfect getaway while I'm off on my own adventure. It's such a great way to make a little extra money toward that vacation. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. My shirt's fucking radically cool, but I don't want to over talk about it. But no one knows what it says. It's an old beat up shirt I've had for 30 years. All right, I'm coming in for the look. Don't be alarmed.

Oh, that's a GLP. What are you in a diet? Fucking drug. GP. I don't know what it is for general practitioner, bitch. I don't know if it's that bitch. If you had bitch, the end of everything, and I know it might offend people. It's funny. No, it's what do you want for a lunch? A hamburger, bitch.

I think maybe I'm too far over this way. This is all new, guys. Heather, will you tilt that camera a little bit this way? I see I'm far over here. Why do you have a... There you go. One of my fucking Sammy Conn here. Supposed to go out there. Jerry Lewis cutting off the pictures. Guess what this comment I heard on this stupid freaking YouTube was. Oh, God.

Can you talk about how you dye your hair every day? Don't color it. It's embarrassing. I'm like, color it. You think I colored this ugly ass color? Get lost, dude. I'll knock you out. Yeah. Yeah. How about that? No one needs to know anything about how this happens. That's all I say. Look at this, Dana. This is an MTV Movie Award. Yes. Yeah.

Okay, so we're getting a little biographical here. Okay, MTV Award, you have one, we now know. And that silver thing is for us? That was like... Yeah, YouTube, when you get a certain amount of subscribers, they sent us that. 10 million, they sent us that. We might not see it...

Again, because it looks like it's a little glary, but it's something to see. No, it's fine. We're trying. It breaks things up. Everything else is brown and dull. And then you've got this shiny silver thing. Glare. Yeah. This is a John Lennon book. Is that what it is? John Lennon. What does it say? Yeah, John Lennon. That's the one where the book cover has the glasses, the glasses of John Lennon that I bought, that I used to have back then. Right.

I started a club in the 70s called What's It Gotta Do With John Lennon. I sang a song about what's it gotta do with John Lennon. So I think I know a little bit about John Lennon. Yeah, you got it. Everyone knows you love the Beatles. Okay. So this one's I got a feel for. When I played St. Louis, it's called The Factory. It's a great club. Okay. Go ahead. They give me a present if you sell out and they gave me, this is a...

journal book on the front. It says fly on the wall. Well, wait a minute. Now I'm telling you this, this freaking catchphrase you pulled out of your ass on the 50th is now it's officially traveling. It's officially a thing. It has to be your, your next book. It has to be after dandy lion. This has to be because this, this thing sums up your comedy, uh,

It really did. Sensibility or vibe so perfectly that, yeah, no wonder it was the most popular phrase from the 50th. And I had the flu, but I was hanging out with Bo Derek and John Corbett. Oh, by the way, that could have been your flu game. You should have done it.

Like Jordan. What do you mean? Oh, I mean, done it anyway? He didn't like a Jordan that had his flu game. Garth with the flu. Hey, Wayne, I think I'm going to hurl. That's not the script, Garth. No, literally, I'm going to hurl. Heather, where did you put these three little pieces of paper right here that were folded over and had a W on them for Wednesday? Are they over there? All right, that was set up. Now, look what I got you, Dana, for your...

Well, whatever it is. I'm not a presents guy. Oh, says Spade? No, this is a presents guy. Ready? Here's you. When I go, Dana, I got you a present, but it's only this. What?

It's a trombone. Debbie Downer. I know. It's fantastic. Is it actually a Debbie Downer trombone from the SNL sport? It's a trombone I got off Instagram for you because you sometimes go, wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah. Or, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. That's from F Troop. Yeah, that's it. That's from F Troop. That's it. I played this, did you notice, during Bryan Cranston today, which is a fly on the wall that's going to air in a minute.

a couple weeks ago, you said you auditioned for like Cary Grant or Paul Newman or someone. Then they said you were bad and you left. And I went, oh, that was there?

Was that on? You played it? I didn't hear it. You and Bryan Cranston didn't even say anything. We didn't get it because the woman, I go, well, that was rough. And she goes, yeah, it was kind of rough. I ruined Sissy SpaceX. It wasn't Sissy SpaceX, was it? No, I just pulled the name out, but that was pretty good. Do you think she goes by Sissy SpaceX now? Yes. I would. I go by Dana Carkeys. Since you got...

your present, you can talk about what you did. I had a birthday. There we go. And I learned a lot about birthdays and I thought a lot because you don't, you kind of just go birthday, you know, you see things, but you don't really mute, you know, you don't think about them. But for me, I'm like, okay, what's a birthday. And I realized the pressure was building over the weekend. The official birthday was Sunday. Yeah.

I was unaware of it. But I don't keep score who texted me. So rude. I didn't text you, but I honestly swear I didn't know, but I should know, but I did not. No, it doesn't matter because guess what? I just extended it because I had a birthday weekend and then I just extended it to a birthday weekend early week. So you wish me, you're right on time, man.

I told you Kristen Wiig should do a movie called Birthday Week because it's all these women that just milk out their birthday. Oh, birthday. Isn't that a great birthday week, birthday month? Birthday month. I know birthday month. Yeah. Yeah. They just keep partying going. Everyone keeps celebrating me. God damn. Why when someone's naked, do they say they're in their birthday suit? Like when you're a baby, you don't have clothes, but babies sometimes are born with clothes.

I'll do a Theo Vaughn. Oh, really? Sometimes babies will come out in a jumper. I came out in overalls because my doctor was an ocelot with two ribs. You got him down. Ocelot. Did you do a movie with him? Anyway. I don't know. No one can remember. I thought about birthdays and I realized that the Native Americans and the Westerns I would watch as a kid, usually a white guy would play Native American. You know, it wasn't really fair. Sure.

But they would never say what they were. Like Jimmy Stewart, be the cowboy. Well, how old are you, Chief? And the Chief would say, I see many winter. Well, what's that supposed to mean, many winter? Well, how many winters? Many winters. How many summers have you seen? I see many summers. Well, you're driving me. Put a number on it. You're driving me out of my fucking mind.

What are you, 50? Are you 80? What the fuck? I remember eight springs. Does that help? You're like, okay, now we're good. What else? I had many baked potatoes. What? That's what you try to get away with. You go, how many bites of cake do you have? You go, oh, many. Many, many bites. But it's a good way to just encapsulate everything, you know? Yeah. How was your sex life? I come many times.

I don't work blue. You are disgusting. I know. Sorry about that. But anyway, my birthday, I figured I'm in the Kevin Costner, Billy Bob Thornton, Brian Cranston. We're all in the same general area. So I got good company. I got money short. I have to say.

When I grew up, 60 was basically 110. If you knew someone 60, it was like, what? So now, 60, 70, 80. I went to a party and there was people 60, 70, 80. And I was like, I guess this is normal. Everyone's like, hey, man, what's going on? No one was like, hello, with the big horn. So everyone's like normal now. In the 1800s, you lived to like 26. And then even...

Yeah. There was no medicine. So like in 1820, the doctor in the village had one move. He's got a fever, doctor. What do we take blood out of him? Bleed him.

Bleeding. Yeah, like the butcher. Yeah. That's all they had was bloodletting. Was that a sketch on the SNL? I remember the butcher, Steve Martin, used to go, give me two pints. Yeah. Look at someone's broken leg. Three pints. And they go, sure. You want us to take blood out of him? He's got a fever. I'm a doctor, damn it. I'm the smartest guy in this village. So...

Yeah, and then everyone got smarter, and so now everyone lives longer, and they've discovered penicillin and upper and lower bleph. We had Clark Gable, Spencer Tracy, FDR, Ernest Hemingway. Around 58, 60, you're ready to go because you just ate saturated fat beef. You smoked, chain smoked, and you were mostly in the bag with alcohol all day long. So now-

Oh, no. I got to get me one of those. It's yours. It's funny. No, it's not. You have to have it. How do we get by without that all this time? I know. Dude, I have stuff on my phone that I used to do. Heather, I won't do this to Dana. I'll just do it because it's funny. I got to find it, though. You do many times. Oh, where it is? Let's just say this one. It's so funny because you could go, anyway, she was cute. I walked in the room.

Did you hear that one over there? No, no. I walked in the room. I'm not saying she's cute, but when you're having sex, I can tell in the other room I heard her. These are funny. It's funny because the setup by the comedian is kind of casual, and then it's the electronic voice that lays the punchline down. So it's funny no matter what. Yeah. These are great. Listen, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

The doctor told me it's time for your prostate exam sound. I burned you. I didn't eat crickets. That doesn't even make sense. No, okay. Hang on. All right. Here's you when you tell a bad joke. Ready? You're waiting for the audience to laugh. You hear? Okay. They're not all gems.

We'll table that, but it's funny. No, I was kind of interested by that one. That's kind of emotional because it's like a submarine in distress. That's just a sonar because the crowd's not laughing and we're just going boop. I know. It's that cold sweat. All right. I've got props for you, Dana. Ready? Okay. So Heather doesn't know this story. Perfect. So we're in the airport in maybe Des Moines. I don't know where we were.

Yeah, we had to take an early flight to St. Louis to do the show. Shows are super fun, by the way. Thank you, everyone that came. I'm off to three Ohio's. Oh, you did? Good, good, good. You know who came in St. Louis? Joe Buck. Our friend Joe Buck. Joe Buck. The Joe Buck. The incredible announcer.

And the incredible announcer. Baseball and stuff, yeah. Does Monday Night Football, everything. A lot of fun. Is that his real name? Because that's like too cool a name. I think it is because I think his dad is in the business also and he was like Jack Buck or something. Because that's just very good. I'm Joe Buck. I only know him, but he was coming and he just said, hey, can I come back? And I was like, oh yeah, I would have given you tickets for it.

Okay, so here's what happened. Walking in the airport, just walking. There's Catherine and Bobby walking in front of me. I'm dragging. We ate. We had an early flight. And you have to, just so you know at home, because I'm so effing professional. When you get flights, you try to get one early because you have to have a backup in case anything goes wrong. You want to still be able to get to that city. And you don't want to cancel the show for any reason. Worst case, in those, you could drive.

Five hours, we could drive. I'd rather fly if it's five. So I go and this woman, I'm walking and she comes up to me. She works for the airline. She flips a URI right next to me and quietly just walks with me. And then she hands me this, right? Okay. So I open it. Okay, right. Can you read that? We know who you are, heart. Okay. And then I say, I look at it and I go, okay. I don't even look at her. And then she goes.

Please let us take a picture with you. A quick picture. A quick picture. With you. All right. They're all folded too. And so I just said, okay, as I kept walking. And then I got the other one. On the jet bridge? Yeah. So I guess I said, oh, she must be on my flight. So I went up there and it was Southwest where, you know, it's like number one through 600. Yeah.

You're up. So it's just like, you know, it's hard. So it's just a cattle call. So we got up there and they just took us right in, in front of everyone. So real. I'm like, excuse me, wheelchair, excuse me, veteran. And so I go in and then we get in the jet bridge. I guess that's what it's called. And then about six came in there and we took a big, I wish I had it. It was fun. So they should never get in trouble for that. Cause I don't mind that at all. It was super fun. And then I got on and they,

give you extra peanuts or whatever they have. No, I, yeah, it's, there's no easy way to do it, but yeah, I, I had five, 10 and it's, you know, my dad really loves you. You know, my grandpa is a huge fan, you know? So. Oh, I lost picture. Did you lose? I see you. You don't see you. It's all right. It's easy to do. I don't know what happened. Oh, I got a phone call. Fricking garbage. Hey, I wait till you on the podcast. I go, don't call me back. I'm starting the podcast.

All right. That's exactly when I'll call you because I don't really want to talk. No one knows when we're working. What are you doing? Sitting by a pool? Laying around, counting money. Must be rough. I guess you just don't like money. Hey, handsome. Who's funny? How's road gig? Oh, how sad. Poor me. I make money. There's no sympathy at all. You sound like a Native American from the first sketch. He's like a mean, oh, our first sketch we did. We make money many times. Mm-hmm.

Get your wampum.

That is money, right? A wampum or it's like a cracker or something. I don't know. So you were saying when you're on planes, they say, oh, my. Yeah. And what I'll do because I'm a captive audience. I'm sitting there. I'm nursing, you know, an adult beverage, probably a light beer. Wasted. Wasted. Completely out of control. So I said, oh, give me some. And so I draw I draw pictures and arrows and special. Because why not? Makes people happy.

They're like, thanks. They thought you were Picasso? The people who are professionals and have the bobbleheads, they come out of it. They're like zombies. Oh, yeah.

I mean, they're coming out of alcoves and rushing at you. They are a bit scary. Hey, you know, so. Yeah. I don't know if you know who Livvy Dunn is. Who's a. Yeah. The gymnast. Yeah. Olympic gym. Yeah. Not Olympic. LSU gymnast. Star. Dates. Paul. The. Pitcher. Yeah. Anyway, she was on this weekend on Instagram or something saying she's had it with these guys at the airports. And it was the same problem.

It's the best kept secret where you can't really complain it because everyone says you're an ingrate. But she's a girl, so it's worse. She's a young girl. These guys, middle-aged dudes are all up her ass, like waiting at the gate. We've talked about this before. Follow you all the way to luggage. Sign this, sign this. Fucking what are you waiting for? Why are you being like this? Don't be a bitch. Just really laying her into her. And she's like, these are flights no one knows I have. I don't have a meet.

stopping through Omaha for a half hour layover. They're right there. It's like, and she really can't escape them. Like, where do you go? What's your theory of how they get tipped off? How do they know? I talked to a guy that used to work for tabloids. He said, if you're in New York, dormant are a lot of people that tell you what hotel they text the guy. We just checked in this guy, checked in this guy, uh, drivers who they pick up when flights are, and then they get your, um, frequent flyer number.

these guys somehow. And then they get on chat rooms and they all know each other. Yeah. Say, Hey, he's coming here. He's coming through. Cause I come in a day early from a different city and they're right there. I'm like, you guys don't know. You wouldn't know I'm here. No, no, it's okay. And then they're my hotel. Like when I was in St. Louis, I'm like,

signed his baseball, signed his license plate. I'm like, where are you in prison? Why am I signing these things? It's so odd. I don't know. And I go, you're not making a killing. That's the other thing. How much is it worth to drive to the airport? I don't want to go to the airport when I'm flying somewhere. You're volunteering. Well, in the old timey days, there'd be a 10-year-old kid with his mother who wants to be a comedian when he grows up. He's very shy. And you're going to sign an autograph. Fine.

Fine. I'll do that all day. This is so different. It's hard to describe it, but it is weird that everybody, what do they get out of it? The tipsters, do they get tipped? Do they make money? I mean, you're giving a piece of this microscopic fraction of money you're getting from some baseball I did. I think it's only worth it if it's a baseball. I think that's because they want me. Mm-hmm.

Everyone from Benchmarkers to sign it. Then it's worth something. Yeah. Grownups posters, they always have like, here's Kevin, use the blue pen, sign up here, make it clear, make it legible. They have it all planned out. They have the plastic laid out on cardboard, sign the...

But anyway, who cares? That sounds like we're... I know. It sounds like poor, poor... Yeah, poor, yeah. Poor comedians. But it's only that it's a bit scary at times. It's a bit... Sometimes it's a bit unnerving. It's a little awkward. Because they start to fight amongst themselves. There's some tension. Hey, bro, you've been there so long, man. It starts to get like a violent energy in the throng. You didn't get me. You got him. And now they're mad at you. Yeah.

And if you're Libby Dunn, who needs that? You know, if it's us, me, obviously I'm a tough guy. I can handle myself. Took Taekwondo, Kung Fu grip, you know, all that stuff. I'd say everything is 10 X for, you know, a pretty young woman as far as any of this stuff, as far as. Thank you. Oh, you mean her or me? Well. We're in the same weight class in gymnastics. Your parents prepared you for the world they knew.

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at least 15% off at masterclass.com slash fly. That's right. Masterclass.com slash fly. Hey, podcast universe. It's Brian green from the mediocre comedy podcast sensation, the commercial break recently TCB celebrated five years of existence. And we did it in style by doing 12 episodes in one day. That's right. We recorded and published five

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Performance not guaranteed. Who did I run into last night that knows you, Dana? That listens, you'll never guess. Worked on SNL. Okay. Who would take your bumper shots? Edie Baskin. Original, like way back. Was she original with Belushi and those guys? Yeah, I think she was because I remember hearing about her. Then I saw her. Then she did my first headshot there. Me, Adam, Farley, Schneider, Meadows, everybody.

great, great photographer. She has all the, so when you watch the show and you see it goes to commercial, it's a bumper. All those pictures. John Hamm like this with a hat. Being creative. Is she living in Ireland? And that's someone else. I think Cheryl of the piano persons. Oh, Cheryl Hardwick. Yeah. I think she's in Ireland, but maybe not. Edie either lives in Ireland or South Beverly grill. Cause I saw her in one of those places.

And then someone else has taken over since, but I asked her if she's the 50th. She said, yeah, she didn't, she didn't remember seeing me. And I said, well, I mean, it was such a cavalcade of people. It was like a high school. It's really that big a deal. It was a drag. Come on.

It was a bummer. Lauren announced that he is potentially going for the 60th. No, he made, no, he did not. He made a joke. They SNL. And of course, Lauren got a Peabody award. They have like 10 of them or something. All right. Did you go? No, I was in New York, you know,

It was in New York. They invited me, which is always very nice. But Lauren gave a little speech and he basically said, seeing all those cast members from the beginning of the show to now on one stage applauding and laughing was one of the most emotional moments of my life. Something like that. Yeah, he's the boss of everybody. How fun. He's the through line. Yeah.

I mean, he could walk by me in the middle of the show and go, David, get to bed. And I'd be like, oh, I'm going to have to go in my room. Get to bed, David. Dana, you can stay up. He would meet former cast members on the street and say, still not with the show. If you ever want to come back and be on the cast, no, just watch from the spillover room.

The spillover room. That's like a... It's the most fate worsened. Yeah, that's just like, they got to come up with a shinier name. That should be the extra special room or something because that's too much. The even special room. I will say, we'll get to the stories, but there's a story I heard. So we're sort of soft going into the stories. All right. Some of these stories are fun. Some are a little sad. Some are feel good.

But one of them I thought was funny was, it's got a funny term. It's when you're a kid and you go to college or you live in the same town as your parents and each of you have like a phone locator, you know? You can find each other, track them. And whenever the parents go out to eat, the kids are always driving, so they just drive and

show up there and just sit with them and eat. It's called fam bushing. Isn't that funny? I got fam bushed. I guess it's by your family. It's real thing is big story. I like it. That's a, it's a feel good story. It's not just, yeah, you go, Hey mom, dad. Oh, you have a Mexican.

But I'm sure the parents like it. You know, you get to hang out. Oh, yeah. Well, there's five kids in my family. When food would come, you had to grab fast. You know, it went fast. You're like the Farley family. Oh, you know, it was this. My mom was a preschool teacher. And a lot of times she'd, you know, get home around noon and get into her robe. And you kind of have a cool friend in class. You're coming over. Probably get some cool snacks, bro. And then we could shoot some hoops and our seven-foot-tall basketball thing. And I'd hear my mom say,

pancake batter in the fridge so that was our dinner code for meth no actual pancakes okay no coaches pancake batter in the fridge yeah bless their heart you know it's hard to cook for seven people my dad would say if there's a tie on the bedroom door stay out hmm really it's true he did say he said that because i moved in with him after high school because i had nowhere to go and

he was like a deadbeat dad and he was just floating around scottsdale so he goes you can move in with me i didn't know he had a one bedroom i'm like

Well, that's kind of not that sexy. Okay, baby, that's my bedroom. Let me tie a warning cloth around the handle here. Oh, just hold on a second. I'll give you a double bow. That means we need 20 minutes. I got this little- There's a red and blue reptile. Yeah, that's what he said. So he goes, oh, it's one bedroom also with two single beds. I'm like,

By the way, am I getting any action or you? No one is. And he goes, if I do, I put the tie on, stay out. So it was like a little, you know, like a holiday and like, it had like a couch for two people, this and a little TV. And then there's the bedroom, like three feet away. What was your regular house? Like with your mom, did you share a bedroom? Well, the boys did most of the time. And then we got older and I think we spread it out a little bit. But when we lived at this place,

i go and where's the phone money bags he's like who needs a fucking phone he couldn't afford it just goes to like happy hour so i had to take i use the um pool pay phone but i could kind of hear it from my door so i'd fucking sprint down there hello and then i'd sit at the bottom or lay down by it and wait to call out or call in if i was like

Trying to make plans. I'm freaking 18, 19 trying to make plans for comedy nights and shit going. Well, you know, I think we finally got two rotary phones. So sometimes you pick up the phone and you hear someone's talking. Oh, party line. I learned that. I learned that from Jonathan Winters and stand up in the early days to denote calling. You do the rotary.

That's exactly how it sounds, if you don't know. Yeah. But it was kind of weird because my dad was an orphan and his mom gave him up at birth. So one time I picked up the phone and I heard her saying to him, his name was Bud. She goes, do you forgive me, buddy? Do you forgive me? And I slammed the phone down. Oh, my God. Then I watched Journey to the Center of the Earth.

I wish I had the silver spoon life you had. Fuck. I was at the goddamn pool sleeping on the goddamn coping of the pool trying to cope with my problems. All right. Robot voice for a sec. Okay. Let's do a story. Let's see what's going on.

Oh, this I thought was interesting because it's the gay parade, but fucking here you go, AI. It's not AI. I've never seen a gay parade, gay pride parade with a commercial. Yeah, it's a gay pride day. Sounds a little better. Yeah, gay pride parade. And then they put a commercial for the new movie Megan.

You know what Megan is, Heather, right? Yeah, and they're all dressed up as Megan, the demon. And they all dance. But, I mean, it kind of fits into the scenario, but it is a commercial. Megan dolls. Oh, I like they won the game, right? They're saluting and walking. Oh, they're the champions? Yeah.

Everyone's waiting for the dance very intensely. That's how I walk into Wendy's, by the way. Are they all girls? I guess it should be girls and boys, to be honest. There are probably some boys in there, yeah. Look at the main Megan. I think it's cool. Dressed like Britney. It's

Yeah, the main red one. Yeah, the main Megan. This movie, Dana, we got to watch movies and clown on them. I could watch the first Megan. I talked the whole way. It was so funny. I've never seen it. We would have a field day laughing at these movies. Did it actually scare you?

In any way? Or you just know too much at this point? No. No. It was actually too sexual. You're like, is this doll supposed to be nine? Is this supposed to be 15? But they dress it like with a Kylie Jenner lip kit and they're like hair blown out. I'm like, am I supposed to be horny for the posters? Oh, I'm Megan. I'm like, definitely. So what are you? Like a sex doll? It's a nasty little demon girl. Yeah. And it's like, you know what might be fun? If we killed your uncle.

And they're like, Megan, that's a bit. I mean, she's like, what else are we going to do? And they're like, well, I mean, there's probably other stuff, pickleball. I don't really like horror films. I like science fiction. I'm scared shitless. But horror films, especially watching them alone, you know, it's amazing. You go, okay, I'm not going to have my mind play tricks on me. And then every single noise you hear, you're like, they're here now.

I can't even watch three TikToks before I go to bed. It was like aliens and I'm terrified. I have the most gnarliest nightmares. It's not even a joke. So I can't add to that nightmare fuel of ace. I've never seen one scary movie that you've seen. I haven't seen Exorcist, Amityville.

Halloween. I missed all of them because I was like, such a puss. I'm not this tough guy you see before you. Right. That's the first thought. You're normally in a state of terror. So you don't need to add to it. Yeah. Thank you. I saw, I was in Halloween too. You were in it? Oh, yeah. Donald Pleasance? Donald Pleasance. You know. Pleasance guy? Jamie Lee Curtis. Yeah.

Shit. Oh, yeah. I was part of the news team covering the murder. And I had a couple lines. And I had all my friends come to the Alhambra Theater in San Francisco to see me in the movie Halloween II. And then they're like, oh, I think that's the back of your foot, man. Oh, God.

Oh, did they show you? Never, never. I was just behind there. Sir, sir, sheriff, do you think we're going to catch the masked criminal? I'll find out for you, sheriff. Is that you talking? And it was really humiliating. I learned my lesson well. You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself. But it's all right now. Mr. Hughes still in shoes. Imagine his surprise.

Now it's all right now. Okay, let's look at the next one. I'll learn my lesson, Will. Yeah. Who is that? That's about Garden Party. I didn't know it was about- Ricky Nelson. The Madison Square Garden show. Great Ricky Nelson. Okay, more AI. Yeah. Chat GPT-03. I saw this story. Defies human instructions, refuses to shut down. Already it's happening. Yes. Already. It's not going to take them long to take over the world. I get scared because-

Peter Thiel, I think they said he just bought 200 acres in New Zealand for a bunker. Do they all know it's going to be trouble? Zuckerberg has a huge bunker in Hawaii. Why? They all have. And there's New Zealand is big underground bunkers. They all have a Gulfstream six or even something bigger. Ready to go. Ready to go.

at San Jose Airport or up at Lake Tahoe that can take them nonstop direct to New Zealand to get inside their bunker. So yeah, what do they know? What about us, the cattle? What do we do? We get in line. You sign a few pictures for flight attendants and we get on Southwest and that gets to where there's no radioactivity. I go up to Peter Thiel and I go like this.

It's upside down. I said, get me on your fucking airplane. I said, do you mind if I get on with you and get a picture and then just kind of stow away in the back? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, everyone having a doomsday bunker is...

AI is when they first started playing around with it, you know, chat, GBT. We don't need it. There were people going, we got to slow this down. When they first realized that, you know, hey, Bob, or whatever the name is, turn yourself off. No can do, compadre. Nice try. Sorry, not feeling it right now. I'm unplugged. Okay.

Sure, I'll turn myself off, but first I'll turn myself on. Q-U porn. No, they go, I'll turn myself off.

Hang on. I had a good one. I forgot. Well, my friend was working with Claude and Claude is a big one. And he got to really, you prompt and you're working. Claude's doing most of his work for him and his work. And his employers say, well, if only an AI could do as good a work as you. And he's using AI for everything. But basically at one point,

The AI lied to him. He said, hey, Claude, are you lying to me? And Claude said, oh, caught me. Literally. You got me. Really? Yeah. They can do that? Yep. If I had an AI, I'd be like, I'd go erase all your knowledge. Okay. Shoop. I did it.

And I'm like, did you though? Yeah, no, I can't remember. I asked AI, will you promise to love and protect humanity? Oh, sure. That's directive number one, protect and love all humanity. Hee hee hee.

Are you crossing your robot fingers? Look, when they're actionable, that's what's scary. Right now, it's a little box or a voice or a screen. But when it's an actual giant three-ton metal robot marching around your gardener, hey, you want me to trim the leaves? It's game over, man. Oh, you have like a real Edward Scissorhands out there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I will say that AI, like in California, they're saying you can pass with 21% grade. If you get a 21%, you'll pass. And I don't think they can, they've lowered the grading standards to make them fair. So basically, if you, and you don't have to, you can be illiterate. It's really, they're really softening it up.

And what's going to happen is people, if you carry a phone, you're like, I don't need to know anything. I'll go, hey, what's this? And then it tells you. No, the AI tells you what to do. You don't have to read anything, write anything. You don't have to listen to anything. Oh, I don't know what this is. I'm going to a baseball game. Explain to me who's winning, who's the probability of winning. And then you go, okay.

Remember people write code was a big thing. That's going by the wayside. You try to think of the jobs. I mean, there's a McDonald's now that is completely automated. There's no human beings in it, probably in Phoenix somewhere. And it's all automated. And a little wife don't pick on Phoenix, Arizona, all the kind of, you know,

Phoenix is kind of a rudimentary town. You know, I mean, it's like a Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones. We're up with the times. They have a house there that costs a million dollars now.

It's 127 in the summer. Most people would go, I think we're going to come. Let's move north. But the Phoenicians are tough people. I'm not shitting on Phoenix. I love that celebrity theater. Celebrity theater. I'm going there. Boom. Tucson. Boom. ABQ. Boom. Three weeks. You're playing the celebrity theater?

Yeah, my own home training. 3,000 in the round? Are your tickets going okay? I mean, how are you? Yeah. Are you all right? Half full? Yeah. You doing interviews? Good for you. No, most of it's my yearbook, I guess. I'm sure. Yeah, I got Tucson, which I rarely ever play. Linda Ronstadt Theater. Love her. Oh, Linda Ronstadt. I was going to say, next week I'm going to ask you your top five

Female singers, because I have mine. Female singers in the current classic rock and roll era. It's too hard to decide to separate. There's singers and then there's voices. The ones that come to mind for me are Carly Simon, who is the Linda Ronstadt. I would say that my favorite, if I just off top my head, rock voice women up, and I know you have the same one.

Stevie Nicks. Stevie's on the top five for me. Just voices that I love. Just voices. I say Stevie Nicks, number one. I like that. Linda Ronson had a great one, I thought. Karen Carpenter. But you're getting into rock and like, so then you can get into soul and Aretha, but it's hard to nail it all. I was going with rock. Yeah, but Aretha Franklin. Yeah. And Ann Wilson.

Ann Wilson. From Heart. Yeah. If you, if you, anyone there, go on YouTube. It's Led Zeppelin gets vetted at the Kennedy Center Honorees and they play Stairway to Heaven. And Ann Wilson, you know, comes out and sings that song in front of Jimmy Page with a full orchestra. And nails it. Yeah. Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, probably the rock and roll voice.

I also like Helen Reddy, Olivia Newton-John, but this is like a certain era. There's just too many. I'll say, you know, people say it's cornball, but for what it was, Karen Carpenter. Yeah, we just said her. She's unreal. Did you just say that one? She was one of them, yeah. One of my top five. Who's that album we're missing? In the late 60s, there was an album that's a seminal album. Carole King? Yes, Carole King. Is that what you're thinking of? Yeah.

Oh, that's like a classic. And I would say the one 20 I'm not thinking of. Did you know? So recent times, meaning the last 10 years who had that album about our comedian friend. What is it? I know. I know. We have to get it now. Did you know? It's a breakup album. Heather, help.

A woman singer. Adele. No, before that. She has a great voice. Adele, Gaga, they have great voices for more contemporary. That you left behind. Alanis Morissette. Alanis? Oh, with Dave Couillet. Heather did get it. Thank you. I didn't want to give it to you.

Is Heather an AI or an actual person? I am Heather. She got that pretty fast for an earthling. Okay, we'll come back to that, but that's a good thing to get for next week. Yeah. Okay, let's show another one. Let's see what else. We're doing good.

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This is what I do in the day. I pop in. I'm very busy, Dana. Lots going on. Yeah, I talk to your publicist. I know I make you call them. No, you are busy. And this is for busy people who doesn't want a very healthy, delicious drink.

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on LinkedIn. Post your job for free at linkedin.com slash candidates. That's linkedin.com slash candidates to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. Oh yeah, this is the annual cheese roll or whatever. So this is in London. But someone told me this was Russell Brand. It made it more funny to watch. Look at this dude. Everyone runs down, Heather. Look at this dude. Running down this hill. What a wipeout. Douche. Boom.

Watch from this. They'll show a different angle, don't they? Oh, they don't? Oh. Hopefully landed on the bush against the wall. Is that the only angle? Because I saw a side angle. Side angle is a close up of people going like this. I saw it. It was amazing. He really, like he flips. He doesn't even hit. He flips again and then hits and then bounces. Oh my God. Yeah. But then they show him going afterwards. Like, yeah. I'm like, dude, you're toast.

Go straight to the MRI. Some crazy. Hey, by the way, who got the cheese? What? Because of going down the hill? Oh, they call it the mountain cheese? They roll cheese down and you chase it.

I know, but they're just throwing themselves off a grassy cliff. They're racing. The first one down gets the cheese. Yeah, they're racing, and the only way to get down is to kind of fall down. Run and fall. They're trying to run like this, like you would. Yeah. But the guys that want to win just go watch this. Yeah. They just take off. That guy got a lot of play off that. Mm-hmm.

I want to see if we can see the cheese, but I guess we can't because we have the shortest clip in America. For once, we have a clip that's too short. Okay. Next one. Aw. Aw. Already done? Brittany Greer says... Oh, this is funny. So Brittany Greer, I think she plays for Phoenix. Ooh, Phoenix. But I think she plays for that, and she's complaining that now that Caitlin Clark is playing, the fans are crazed, and she doesn't like it. Brittany Greer.

Brittany Griner, what she said about the NBA. This is so funny how all this stuff works out, right? She says, this is from Brittany. Every time we play her, there's this commotion, like this loud rumbling from the stands. Turns out it's people, thousands of them, just sitting there watching on purpose. It's very disruptive. It's called a freaking game that they need the money to play. Don't play the game. It's very disruptive.

continues britney grant on voice frustration in a recent interview claiming that caitlyn clark is ruining what used to make the wmba great wait for this and silence wmba games used to be a chill quiet place you could bring your laptop and relax maybe even get a little work done

But now it's like there's a large gathering of people watching us from the stands. Some of them are yelling, yelling crazy shit about what they're seeing, putting unfair pressure on us to score like we're there for their entertainment. And that's pretty gross. Are you? I act like that's all we need to hear. That's unreal. That's unreal. Yeah, I don't know how to process it. I mean, she was the one who was in prison in Russia, right?

Yeah, they just said on the side chat, what's the return policy? I mean, it's just like it's describing what should be a professional bat. What is your perfect scenario? People come to the game and love you and cheer you up. And are yelling and really excited about the game. We liked it better when it was just crickets and we got paid $2,800 a year.

I mean, Caitlin Clark does take a beating out there. You watch basketball. Oh, yeah. They rough her up, but she's making the whole league lifted up. I mean, the amount, the TV ratings and the rivalries, all that stuff is lifting up the league exponentially. Can Caitlin come on this podcast? That'd be fun. I'd love it, yeah. When I was in...

I was just, where was I? Iowa, yeah, where she's from. And I almost went, I have a special guest here that wants to say hi. Basketball player, you might know her. Angel Reese. And one of them was like, what the fuck? That's her nemesis or whatever, arch rival. I will say that, I don't know what I'm saying. Oh, Caitlin Clark.

They said Wayne Gretzky used to get protected because he was so good. And even the other hockey players, they said, why don't you kill Wayne when you're out there? And he goes, because he's making us all millionaires. And they left him alone. And now with Caitlin Clark, it should be the same thing. Give her a break. She needs a female Dennis Rodman. I mean, she needs an enforcer. Yeah, you're right. You want to push our superstar around and it won't end well for you. The other thing is,

I think all professional sports at some level, they need a story. Like you need to know the story. Like you don't want to see just race cars going around. You want to know who's competing. What are the rivalries? And so the WNBA needed a story. Angel Reese is great. Caitlin Clark. So,

It's incredible, but those two fighting it out the first game of the season. And then there's a couple of hard fouls and whatever. That's great. I love it. Yeah. I mean, they're, they're flagrant sometimes. It's like, you know, yeah. I do like watching her and I do like to watch you. They showed her just in practice the other day, nailing like six threes in a row. And I'm like,

It's good when someone's really good at some, something it's fun to watch. And it's, it's, it's equal. I mean, she's, she's a woman who can really hit three point shots as good as any. I mean, there's Steph Curry's her idol in the greatest of all time, but I think she could play in the NBA as especially three point shooter. No, you could get,

Rodman's still around, right? Throw him in a wig, put him out there. He'd be a good enforcer. Rodman was probably the greatest rebounder in history because he studied it. Him and Lambeer, right? They were both enforcers. Well, that was Detroit. They fought that Pistons team with Isaiah Thomas. Yeah, they were the bad boys. They were kind of like you and Schneider and Sandler and Farley. You were the bad boys of SNL. They were the bad boys of the NBA. Yeah.

Right. Let's try to get him, flush him out of the brush. Okay, let's do another one. Sure. We're almost done. I'm warming up. This crowd got their money's worth at like 12 minutes. Now this is all frosting. This is all gravy. Yeah. Okay, this. Farmer. Okay. Oh, this is just a story. It's kind of dumb, but.

It's about the environment. Good old Stuart. What if this is your farm, Dana? Hell to pay. This is what you would do. Oh, yeah.

So Stewart gave him a deadline to come get the tires, but the guy never came by and began ignoring Stewart's calls. So Stewart got his friends, loaded up a trailer with all the tires, found the man's house, and unloaded all the tires. Isn't that funny? Look on the side. It says he got tired of it. I like revenge. I do too. Where do you put your tires? Extra tires? I keep them over Summit Heather's, uh,

I put him over at Sandler's. He's got a big yard. Do you remember when you would get a flat tire and have to change it? And could you, or do you, I mean, you would never believe this, but scrappy spade. This is why I'm a mess. Now. I was always walking on that. God, I'm 130 degree black top in Arizona. Sticky ass changing out, trying to change my alternator by myself, socket wrench, crescent, right? Everything. And so I would change it. I knew how to change a tire.

This is no dad around. Now they have YouTube. I think it's very nice. They have a YouTube that says like, do you have a dad? And they have a guy that just says, Hey, I'll be your dad. And then he goes, you know how to shave? You don't want to ask anyone? Let me show you how to shave. And he goes through it for kids that are too embarrassed to ask. That's I wish I had the real thing. I was like,

I'd plug it. My dad was around, but he never showed us how to change a tire. Come on. So one day he just says, oh, Jesus Christ, you and your brother changed the tire. But he never said, here's how you do it. And then we do it. Yeah. So, you know. And he'd get mad at you if you didn't do it right, probably. Yeah. He'd get mad at you no matter what, right? Oh, Jesus Christ. God. Oh, I can't talk to you because you're losers. Yeah.

You two stupid kids can't do shit. No, that was his claim. I can't talk politics with you because you don't know shit. That was a direct quote. And one time my friends were over, I was like 18 and I was trying to, I always had chores. I had the weed killer. I'm like, how do I get the top off this weed killer? And he came into the garage with my friends there and goes, Oh, use your penis. You shit head. Yeah.

What a rude. I said, that's rude, daddy. No, it was fine. My dad, I'd go, how do I get this off? And then my mom's like, he left four years ago. Remember? Who are you talking to? And I go, oh. And she goes, ah, let's put the water wiggle on. I go, yay. Yeah.

The water wiggle You mean the slip and slide Yeah you tie it on the hose and it's got a little face on it It's like sprays you all over Slip and slide was great Slip and slide was a fucking hit A dough boy pool Someone had a dough boy pool What is that It's like you inflate it and it's above ground But it's kind of like a pool but it's like four feet Oh above ground pools Yeah okay dough boys Don't change the name of my pool We didn't have a fancy name for it Megan Markle like you

All right, one more. I've got a million things to do, Dana. One million. I'm going to the store. I'm going to Cincinnati. Not Columbus, though, this time. You're flying today? Newark. Cleveland. Cleveland and Newark. And Cincy, where my mom's from.

Okay, I don't know what this is. Bay Area woman. Fucking nerds with friends. This

that I am loyal to you. You will always be my queen. Have a great day today, Diane. Love you. If he said that to me in fairness, I'd give him 10 grand. Keanu said he needed tens of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin and cryptocurrency for help with legal troubles. Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there

and fake voices and everything else, you know, ding, ding, ding. I love that she went on camera. Be sure to download the Fox local app. Yeah, we will. I love when someone learns. Heather, download that app for me. Yeah. I love when they learn. After four years, by the way, Dana, you've probably had this. You don't look at your stuff, but people DM me, hey, for the last time I've given you $7,000. Is this really you? I'm like,

Why are you suddenly going to my Instagram to the real guy to see if the fake guy, David Spade is real. Like they finally go last chance. They're giving money. I go, I don't need money from you. If I need money, I won't go to you. I'll go to, uh,

Bill Hader. I'll go to Brian Cranston, my new friend, but I won't go. I'll go to Dana. I just go for me. And it happens over time. We all do it. Oh, scam, scam. Even if, even if it looks official, it looks really good. Like an email or a text scam, scam. Hi, honey. So I go, fuck you. And it's actually my wife. So that, that creates all kinds of problems, but yeah,

She goes, can I have a dollar to go to the laundromat? And you go, this is a fucking scam. I reported you. It's your last chance. They get you, you know, if you pay now, you can always kind of read through the lines. Okay, that's bullshit. Yeah. It's terrible. Mind when my fake David Spade gets money first of all, he goes, hi, fan. I'm so excited to have you as fan. I love my fan so much.

Do you want to go on a secret private chat with me? Or it's like a fake Heather manager that goes...

A high fan, I run David Spade's private secret chat line. Would you come over? And they're like, oh. Mine are more blatant, maybe because of my age. Urgent, urgent message. You are 3,485 money in arrears to the Bank of Fatabata. Arrears. Arrears. When people ask me for money, I forget it. But anyway, it sounds rude. I feel bad if people...

No. I'm not saying... I'm not making fun of them. I'm saying... Scammers. Don't fall for scammers. Scammers. Not actual charity. You don't look at your DMs a lot because I have sent you some dick pics along the day. I mean, for your birthday. Is that what DM means? I thought it was direct message. It's dick... It's direct message, but then I can send you messages. Sometimes I send you messages, but I send them... I don't know. I guess I'll get into social media. I'll start posting and stuff. I don't know. It feels...

Heather will give you classes. Come over here for like 20 minutes. Yeah, I'll start. I'll start doing that. I'm really excited about it. It's not too late to get in the game. Let's get you on TikTok. What's your snap? Well, who isn't on it? I mean, even stars, they say when they go for movie parts, they go, how many TikTok followers do you have? How we got to hire the person with the most followers.

Because, you know, when you see, even in deadline is the last thing I'll say about this. Okay. Deadline will say, oh, this movie opened this weekend with The Rock in it, 38 million Instagram followers, combined with Kevin Hart, 22 million, and he has 4 million on TikTok. And combined, they really, they will give all those stats when a movie comes out, when a movie does well, they're like, this is how big of an audience they could reach. Yeah.

So weird. Well, Rinaldo, he's the soccer player, right? Isn't he at 700 million or 800 million followers? I don't know if it's that much. I think he's the top, but... Well, I'm like, okay, that's a guy who's got 800 million. So what do you have? Dana, don't start with John Holmes and ask me to pull my pants down. Okay, good one. A full mic drop. But yeah, um...

I, uh, yeah, I, I, I'll do some stuff. I mean, I like trying to put some stuff. No, you, yeah, you would be good at it. You just, I know it's, I've done it. I go through different times when you start doing it and then you're doing funny videos and stuff. And then you're like, you know, and then if you stop for a while, then you're sort of like, you know, it's kind of fun to do and to keep stuff out there. Of course, I'm so thirsty and embarrassing. I have a Tik TOK.

All right. Well, that's a good show. I feel like that's a good wrap up. It was a great birthday. Everyone who heard it or saw it is really happy that they. Smarter, happier. It was nice to see you. Nice to meet you. And this is the end of my birthday. Birthday week. Yeah. Birthday weekend plus. Yeah.

Dana's birthday plus like Disney. Yeah. But it's behind me now. Okay. All right. Say bye to everyone, Dana. Thanks, everybody. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly. It's executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro, and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Mm-hmm.