Welcome Back Dana!
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Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah, I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's because they're naked. Well, it's like the 1800 time you say on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there. I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it.

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At Robert Half, we know talent. Visit roberthalf.com today. So if you're listening to our podcast right now, you probably know about my family's loss. And I just want to say that the amount of outpouring online and emailing and people I still haven't been able to call back is incredible. I thought about this over the holidays and I decided to come back to the podcast and

Um, because I think, you know, it's a long day where you're not working and you get in your head and I think it's going to be a great break. And I think it's really cool to laugh. And, um, so with that, here I am with my old friend, David Spade on with the show. You know, Dana, I have to say to add to that, that, um, there was, uh, so much, so much goodwill out there that was going through me to tell you, uh, even, uh,

Uh, Mrs. Farley, Chris's mom wrote a letter for me to give to you. I couldn't give it to you yet cause I hadn't seen you, but I just thought I'll wait on that. But just to show you, it's really everywhere. And I just didn't want to overload you. But as you know, everyone, uh, just as all very, very nice things. No one knows how to, how to deal with it, but.

I agree. It's nice to do the show again. I know. It's very sweet. And if I could do anything, and you really can't. It's like me and my wife and our son's private journey. And we're all together. And we do a lot of fun things. We really, you know, we hike, go to church. You just want to make sure that you keep moving. And like I said, doing this and riffing with you, I think is going to be very healthy for me.

And as I recover, because I'm kind of on the pain train and with about millions of other people on this planet, and you don't know how long you're going to be on it or when it'll stop or when it will get better. But in the meantime, all this kind of stuff is very healthy. Yeah.

I agree. I mean, I've gone through things. Now, I can't say the same things, but when I have things in my life, sometimes I go back too quickly, like a day later, a week later. But I do like to get my mind off things, and it doesn't mean I forgot anything. It just means I just need a break. And we laugh a lot together. We're together, and I like leaving you messages and trying to make you laugh because, you know, just things in life happen. But we can move on, and we're just going to – this episode –

of fly on the wall is just me and you and which i kind of like i'm so sick of those fucking guests but other than that no they're good but you're so needy and you got to do research where'd you go to high school i know and toward the end of it i'm like oh wait do they have to talk we have to go to them sometimes so i just wanted to catch up with you on a few things because i haven't

seen you in a bit and uh it was a lot happened there was award season and uh i don't know if you did see well basically honestly they should really just connect all these awards and make them one day it's just two hours show and then just go right into the next one you know what i mean powder the makeup switch the dress and because it's too many and they're all the same exactly the same i get that it's its purpose is to promote the industry

But it does at a point when you're watching it, I was watching The Critic's Choice, and there's a point where there's so much praise heaped on the person who is actually just playing in front of a camera and stuff. It's like they're playing a pretend world thing. Yeah. I mean, it's great. I like when you go, I know the purpose is to promote the industry. I'm like, I didn't even know there was a purpose. I'm glad you figured out there was a purpose to it.

Yeah, it's like they make believe in front of a lens. It's not like they've landed on Mars and they know it. But, you know, you heal a broken world when you play the Dracula character or whatever. Well, Barbie was a great movie. I have nothing against it. But yeah, award shows are really funny that way. It just is. You know, this is the week of like Emmys, Oscars are coming up, all that.

I was shockingly up for two Golden Globes and, uh,

and two Emmys. The Golden Globes were the first funniest because when you're up for TV, they see you in the back. Don't get near the precious movie stars. You can't tell on TV, but I was back in La Mirada. Like if I won somehow, I would have had to take a shuttle to the stage because I couldn't have gotten up there before a commercial. It would have been like, excuse me, pardon me, like Bugs Bunny, excuse me, excuse me. So luckily I didn't win. And then when I did the Emmys,

This is the grossest story because I'm sitting there. I'm pretty close to the front because I was up for a supporting actor or whatever. Nice. And then they literally go, and the winner is, and they show us all, and they go, David Hyde Pierce. And I swear to God on David, I made a move. I lifted 10% of my body weight and that's all it took for people to go, what?

gonna want for a second i go no i didn't i was shifting i was giving him a standing ovation so embarrassing so in your head when you heard david you lifted up and you heard hyde pierce in your head did you think david and then i lose yep and you sat back down i really it got to david and i didn't think there was another david that's

And I just started to lift like the puffiness of my feathered hair was just starting to lift up a quarter inch. And they go, Hyde Pearson. I just quickly deflated. And people were like, let's roll that again. That motherfucker flinched. He moved a little bit. Oh, they did? He thought he won. And everyone was like, I saw you. It became a meme back. No, thank God, Lord, there wasn't memes. Oh, I would have been the biggest clown. But, you know, I was up for it. That's the important part.

You do. I'd done 10 years of standup. I was on SNL, but I desperately didn't want to win at that moment. Lauren was sitting behind me. I was nominated and I just broke out in a cold sweat. I don't even know what it was. I just did not want to have to go up there.

and get that award. But I did win one later. It's a grotesque feeling. Oh, you won? Whoops. Sorry. How'd that get out? Yes. Something slipped out. No, I did finally win one six years later. And Bob Hope, the Bob Hope for you people under 70, he handed me my award. That was kind of

Weird. You see someone as a kid on TV. Dude, that's funny because I'm not that old, but Amelia Earhart gave me mine. Yes, Henry VIII nominated me. You're like, that was the one where I think Queen Elizabeth I was hosting. Yeah, I think Jesus introduced the person who gave me the award. But wait a minute, there was no- Pilate was sitting next to me.

Tilla the Hun was up for best plunder on the circuit up there. Dude, tell me, so what did you win for? Was it for SNL character? It was a guest star you were hosting. I got nominated, but I finally won. Because in those days, I think you were put in, I was up against Cirque du Soleil and stuff.

It was like a variety thing. I was up against jugglers and circus people. And I don't know. You're like, that's what I am to the world? And then I'm the sketch guy. So then someone said, you know, they don't even really look at the tapes. You know, he told me the behind the scenes of how to win an Emmy. So somehow I changed my little byline or something. That's how I probably got it.

Oh, because, you know, it is true what you're up against. Cause I was up for the golden gloves were tougher cause it was best supporting actor on TV or movies. So I feel like I already won because it wasn't a comedy. It was comedy, drama and movies that are on TV. So I was up against, I think Don Cheadle from ER and then, uh, talk about old, you know, who won Gregory Peck. No joke.

He did 90 Seconds is a cameo in a movie called Moby Dick. And he went up there and I was so shocked because I thought he died 10 years before that. So he walks up there and then he goes, I can't believe I'm getting an award for a 90 second cameo. And I'm in the back going, me either. Yeah.

Give it to me. His name is Greg Pecking Order was his real name, but he shortened it to Peck. But I'm Gregory Peck and used to talk very deep. I actually was at an award show.

now that we're on award show stuff, Kirk Douglas was getting the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award because I had done a movie with him and Burt Lancaster the year before. And Danny DeVito, I'd only been on SNL 10 shows. He introduced me on the stage. Here's a guy, Saturday Night Live. So no one knew me. Very nerve wracking. So I did that. But Gregory Peck was sitting next to me and my wife and her mom's

movie star is Gregory Peck. So before the show started, we went over and said hello to him and he couldn't have been nicer. But then behind us was this, we heard this person go, and it was Lauren Bacall and

And she was pissed. I could see what Bogart put up with. Really? I felt bad for Humphrey Bogart that moment. No, we were in the wrong. The AFI award, that's a Teamsters Union, I think, award. Yes. These people, Gregory Peck, the AFI, which is the Auto Workers Union award, I think, they are nervous. And I was nervous there.

being up for many, many, many awards. So, which brings me to Joe Coy, because so many people said, hey, you're a standup and you've hosted stuff. How did he do? And it's such a big subject because I think one of the problems, one of them, I don't think he bombed, really. I think that was a rumor that got started and then everyone kind of ran with it. People go, I heard he was horrible. And I go, did you see it? They go, no, but that's what I heard. And I go, well, it's not that fair. Yeah.

Because you're nervous getting an award. So you're playing for a crowd of people that just want to get the monologue over with so they can figure out, did I win or not? So I can relax. That's one problem. And I think he's not as well known as a lot of hosts. Steve Martin, everyone reveres. Ricky Gervais, everyone fears. I mean, he's up there, like him or not, he's very ballsy. He's had a huge hit shows. He's very respected. And he's one of them.

And I think Joe Coy, who's a successful comedian, isn't really in the movie and TV world, if you agree. So when he comes up, it's like, how dare you talk to Robert De Niro? You know what I mean? There's a little of that, I think.

To put Joe Coy in context, yes, he's a gigantic stand-up with a huge following. But in the way the world works now, it doesn't always matriculate to across-the-board fame from sea to shining sea. So a lot of people may not have been familiar. Joe Coy plays arenas. He sells out the forum. He riffs. He does characters. He tells stories. He's like a powerhouse.

and incredibly likable. And he just ran into an audience that was a regular kind of corporate date that a lot of times they don't, you're not the star of the show. When you do standup, he headlines it, he's the star of the show. Now it's a guy who'll fill some time before the awards. So it's difficult for everyone. Ricky Gervais saying, this is it. I'll never do it again. Never, never.

You're nothing. You know nothing. You've never been anywhere. You don't mean anything. And he's telling the audience that. So he took all the power back, but only he could do that because that's just who he is. But it was so funny. That is a rare thing where you're allowed to do that. But like Steve Martin and Martin Short, I think people like to watch. They're already halfway through.

90% laughing when Steve Martin comes up. And when it's Joe Coy, they're at zero. They're going, okay, you've got a lot to do here to get me going, I think. Yes. And going, Taylor Swift was almost pre-offended when she sat down and was just waiting. Because I agree, like she's there. She's a big star. I mean, he could have said, you know, the Golden Globes, when they found out Taylor Swift was here, they were going to switch it over to Peacock.

Because that's what the NFL did. That's a good one. But Taylor Swift, I think he did do a soft joke towards her, which wasn't really offensive, but I think she could have, she gave him the Joaquin Phoenix gladiator thumbs down. And once that happened, the tide kind of just-

It was kind of the, God, was that the exact joke? It was something like, so we're going to have more cutaways in the end. It was something that was kind of innocuous. It wasn't really a burn or anything. She could have made a face like, look at me. I'm so cute. They keep showing me. And everyone would have laughed. You know, I think when they showed Meryl Streep or someone like Martin Short, they went with the joke and just goofed around and then people laugh because they go, oh, are they okay with it? Oh, okay. Okay.

But when she kind of iced it, it was a bit of a heavy lifting after that. And that's tough. Yeah. Well, I've been there. I've done a lot of corporate dates and you get used to them and you don't have any expectations and you make sure that

You just try to charm them. And then you could have a little fun, you know? Yeah, they always come up to you and go, hey, the CEO's here. Say something about him. He's got three balls and beats his wife. Try to work that in. And I go, oh, okay, sure. He also said he had 10 days to prepare. He only had 10 days. I would have said, and I spent the first nine watching Killers of the Flower Moon. And that's kind of funny because the movie's so long, but you're just making fun of the length

And it has no real edge on it to really hurt someone's feelings. Everyone feels like, oh, I could laugh at that. We all know it's long. But when you, there was, oh yeah, the color purple joke about hemorrhoids and ozempic. I just thought, I don't know if I'd mix a race movie with a joke. It's just a dicier outcome.

Yes. It makes people tighten up. Yeah. And I think Joe did say that they actually kind of were writing almost a day of actually, because it's sort of getting the team together. Um, and, uh,

You know what? He's selling out the forum this week or something. He's going to be fine. This is nothing. And he's actually more famous, and I think he handled it very well at the end of the day. You know, you feel some empathy for him because he's a brilliant stand-up. It's ridiculous. I want to host it next year and see if I can bomb intentionally. Worse. We're available. You know Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program?

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and hasta luego so it goes out of your head so now you have rosetta stone david tell them about it well dana you know more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages uh i mean my gosh they have spanish french italian german i don't think you can throw them a curveball i think they're gonna know what don't they have the language you want yeah

It immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying? I know no English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English. No English translation, so you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea of Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard, so this is the way to do it. Just don't type.

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There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course, there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah, so that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50% off. A steal! And I do think that the off-label thing that... I'm ad-libbing now, going off script.

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You just visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. One more thing against him or going against him.

Not him personally, because I do like him. He's been on this podcast. He was great. If you want to get a feel for him, you can listen to that one. But he, it's the first time I've read ahead of time that people turned it down. Like Chris Rock, Ali Wong. So that's another thing going into everyone's like, oh, no, who's going to do it? Who they wind up with?

And then he comes out and they go, oh, they wound up with this guy. So he's got to win them over a little extra on top of that. You know what I'm saying? That's a good observation. Now I'm remembering that. They listed all the people that turned it down. And these are like long-term iconic names like Chris Rock or Tina Fey. And Joe Coy's doing it. Huge following, not a household name. If you don't know him, yeah, they go, oh, that household. If you haven't seen his specials on Netflix, yeah.

Right. And then some people do know him and some people just go with the crowd and go, oh, are we deciding to ice him like it's high school, you know, like it's Mean Girls? You know? Yeah. By the way, if one joke didn't work, I'd go, oh, so it's Asian hate? That's what I'd say at my first joke, just to make people go, no, no, no, I like you. And then they have to stand up and applaud. Oh, yeah. That would be a nice table turner. Yeah. A lot of Asian hate out here tonight. Yeah.

By the way, with Taylor Swift and Kelsey, what's his name? Travis Kelsey. Is there like a, like a Bennifer? Do we, is anyone put together a, we know Swifties, but do we have one for them? Oh, you got any? I couldn't come up with anything. Yeah. Swift, Swifty Travis. I think it's trailer. No, wait, there was something I heard once. Oh, instead of Taylor, Taylor.

Do you know that they're saying Chilean Murphy's name wrong? They say Killian, but the real name is Chilean Seabass. Anyway. Why aren't I hosting with those doozies?

Well, look, this whole podcast here is really a soft audition for David to host next year's Golden Globes. And with these powerhouse one-liners that are coming out, let me put it to you this way. There's lots more where that came from. Everyone at home is listening going, is this guy on joke steroids? These jokes are too good. They can't be real. Yeah.

He's hitting HR's dingers out the fucking wall. Yeah, it's like he's just coming off of the top with it, really. I'd love to see that. Mm-hmm. No, that's all gonna- But, you know, Chelsea Handler, who we haven't had on, but we all know Chelsea, she- Did the Critics' Choice Awards. Yeah. And you saw that, but people said, oh, she got one in on Joe Coy, her ex-boyfriend, so that makes it even extra juicy.

But I wonder if he texted her. It's kind of soft, though, you know? Yeah. And, you know, every room's different. You'd have to be in the room at the Golden Globe as a stand-up, like sit there, see how they're talking, get the vibe, and then get the vibe of where the Critics' Choice Award, what the feeling of it was. But I would say that she really, she charmed them.

You know, there was a lot of compliments and charm and then some, and then jokes, but maybe that's, you know, it was just, she was going to do it anyway, but she really, you know. Right. I think she knew you, at least she got to look at that one and say, what can I learn from that?

And if she's going to do a joke, because Joe Coy did, people got mad. He said, oh, those are the writers' jokes. They don't work. The ones I write are good. Something like that. Now, the next host that ever did anything might want to do a joke like that, say, that was from my writers, just to get them an applause, you know, like that kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, there's 48 award shows between January and February, and that's literal. And there is a possibility that,

that Cillian Murphy might win the Oscar and then forget that he was in the movie. It had been so long and so many award shows. He goes, what am I up here for? They travel the world. And what's, well, I should introduce it. David and I are now going to do a special third podcast where we just critique award shows. I know, what are we doing? We're going too far. We should talk more about, what else can I tell you about? About my road gigs this weekend on my tour. Yeah.

i was in the blizzard dana there was an icy storm in the midwest and you were apparently caught in the middle of it can you speak to that how thank you for these hard-hitting questions well you had called me i think or we talked and you said you didn't know if the gig was happening yeah you were pretty upset they were saying you know i'm going to chicago they say it's worst blizzard blizzwatch uh

And it's so crazy. Of course, people go, you're going to go to Chicago and Michigan in January. I'm like, oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. I mean, what are you going to catch? A blizzard, of course. Blizzard shut down the airport. I got in, landed, and then everything shut down. Schools shut down. And people on DMs going, please don't do the show. I live four blocks away. I'll never make it. I'm like, four blocks? I just flew six hours. I'm going. If I can go, I'm going.

I can't bail out on the people that show up. If one person shows up, I'd feel horrible that I didn't go on. So yeah,

I tried and all day I just watched the local weather. They was so weathery. The weather guy would go talk for 20 minutes. He goes, let's throw it. And they threw it to another weather guy. I'm like, I've never seen him throw it at more weather. And it was like a chick because she was like tired going, okay, I got her from here. All right. Yeah, it's horrible. And so it's, you know, it's weather porn at a certain point because they just want to get you so terrified. The guy is taking blizz pics. Yeah.

I took a little blizz pics and the girl was showing her boobs. It is like porn. I mean, it's very similar. So I was scared. Everyone was scared. How are you going to turn off a weather guy if he's saying it's dangerous out there? We're going to tell you right after this word from our sponsors. You could get killed if you walk outside. Hi, I'm Johnny Weather Guy. Yeah, they show. And I'm in a building that's going, it's swaying.

And I'm like, hey, Chicago, quit pretending like you don't know about snow and wind and cold. Like that's your whole pitch. You know, that's your license plate. Isn't it called the Windy City? What do you mean? Yeah, I know. And they're like, there's wind. I'm like, guys, guys, quit. I'm not in Arizona saying it's hot. I can't believe it. Like this is how it is here. And everyone's scared. And then Bobby Miyamoto, who is my opener, we go to North Face and it's closed for inclement weather.

And he's like, guys, this is your Super Bowl. Why are you closed? What? North Face is closed. This is the one place that should be open. You need a coat. Well, he needs a coat and he can't get in the store. So what is he supposed to do? Shouldn't it have to be open?

this is all they want is cold weather and they're like guys it's freezing we're like no shit see if trump was president he'd be like we're gonna keep north face open we're gonna keep it open we're gonna open we're gonna keep it open i told them and they're gonna open it up um everyone's talking about it everyone's saying everybody said it let me tell you what they don't know so you're did you do the first night then

You did the gig. So Chicago turns into like, hey, it was a pretty big theater. They're like, hey, if there's not a power outage, we're going to go. And I'm like, if I can get there, I'll go. So I went there. I'm like, I got to get to Chili's first, you know, whatever. So I get there and it was probably 80% full. It was sold out, but you know, probably 20% just didn't come. So 80% full. So it was 18,000 people about. Yeah. So it was like a little more than the Superbowl.

And then the next night was Michigan where I was born in Michigan and we were up in a Royal Oak, I think it was called. And that was full. And by the time we got up there, it wasn't quite as bad. So it was, it was pretty still sold out. It wasn't, they were really, they were a little tougher about it. I thought it was odd that, and this is pointless to say, but the Kansas city football game was on and the Buffalo game was canceled when they were both like horrible weather, like below zero.

Why cancel one and not the other? Interesting. I don't think Taylor Swift made a call, made a call. Hello, President Biden. Hello, President of the world. I'm doing it. Taylor Swift is on line three. She's like, if I flew here, the game's going. Thumbs up. And they're like, she says thumbs up. It's on.

Well, my wife did watch the game because she wanted to see the Taylor Swift reaction shots in the frozen, frozen booth. Yeah.

There's always one guy, it's 40 below windshield, no exaggeration, with no shirt on. And they never follow what happens to this guy. Has he ever heard of frostbite? When he dies immediately after? It's a life to get on YouTube and to get on some cutaway on camera.

And they all, you know, they paint their face, take the shirt off. And it's a lot of Bert Kreischer out there. And they all look like Bert Kreischer, exactly. There's a whole stadium full of Berts. That'd be a great audience. Yeah. And so they do it and they hope, and if you don't get on camera, then you're really fucked because then you're like, why did I get hypothermia for nothing? My nuts are in my fucking throat, babe. Christ sakes.

I did a movie in Canada once and it was like 40 below and they had the night shoots. They'd yell out. Someone's got frostbite. Yeah. Nicholas Cage and I, and John Lovitz and you'd wear three, four layers of clothes, like clothes, more clothes, more clothes. And then in between shots, they'd put a thing around your face, just your eyeballs and you had goggles on and they were doing fake snow. And anyway, it was a paycheck. It's so hard. Night shoots are horrible. And that is, and cold is very tough.

Uh, I went to get a, I didn't go to Barney's and I went to Barney's years ago to buy a big winter jacket. And they go, I go, I need one for the snow and I need one for winter. And they go, oh, this is a great one. It was a puffer with leather on the outside and it was very expensive. They go, but a lot of the wrappers wear it. And I said, oh, done. That's all I need to hear. It's already confirmed cool. And then I said, I'll take it skiing. And he goes, ooh, I wouldn't wear it in the snow. I go, you wouldn't wear your winter coat in the snow? And he goes, mm-mm.

I go, what about the rain? He goes, no. I go, what would you wear? He goes, I wouldn't wear it in rain, drizzle, dusty, cloudy, thunder, sunset. It's kind of nice hung up in your room. It's more of a showpiece. Yeah, he goes, it's more of an indoor coat for Instagram. I would take a photo. Not for wearing.

You can wear it, but it's not advisable. I go, like, I just wear it in my kitchen. He goes, more of a living room. I wouldn't, meh. Too many windows. So I, it's hard to wear a coat on the plane. The coats are so big on this plane.

dog shit flight. They had to stop my flight. They're like, we're leaving in four minutes. And everyone's like, okay. And then the one thing that's infuriating is we're sitting for 40 minutes and we haven't done anything and they give us no information. And the flight attendants are cackling up front. They're like, where are you going tonight? Oh, last night, blah, blah. And I'm like, what?

You can't be happy until we take off. You have to be sad like us, stressed, worried, like, oh, we're trying to get this plane off the ground. They're just giggling, tickling. And then we finally get on the runway and we've got to fucking find, they go, we got to de-ice. They're doing it. They de-ice the wings. Then we're going to ice them again. I'm like, why are we icing them? Then they go, now we got to de-ice them. We fucked up because we iced them. Dana, you don't get it.

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I took a private jet out of Wendover, Nevada, and the pilots took that right out of high school. It was after a gig. Mark Pitter was my opener at a casino. It was probably a rickety bargain basement private jet.

And so they had to wake up the de-icing guy. He was asleep because it was like one in the morning. And he comes in, he's got one of those guys, he has a long beard and then he has a rubber band around it and more beard. And so he gets out on the machine and they haul us out there and they're de-icing. And then we get out in the tarmac in the middle of nowhere, just ice everywhere. And the young pilot gets out of the plane.

And I'm going to make, I'm going to look around at the ice. So he goes around, looks at the ice. Mark Pitt has had at least two bottles of red wine. And then he comes back in and I said, when will we know? When will we know? He goes, 20 seconds. If we were actually getting lift, 20 seconds. After 20 seconds, you'll know. After you take off?

After the wheels are up, 20 seconds. If we fly for 20 seconds, then we know the integrity that we have. We've iced properly and we're going to fly. He said 20 seconds.

And then what if it doesn't work properly? I said, could I get off? He said, too late. And he floored it. And I'm just counting. It goes, I heard this on a plane. And it goes, beep, beep, beep, beep. And it was beeping. And the guy hit a button. And I go, did you fix it? And he goes, I fixed the noise.

And I go, well, why is there, what about what's causing the noise? And he goes, sometimes these things have a way of figuring themselves out in the air. Let's go for it. Meow.

Well, look, I don't fly private jets all the time. I'm not to have international wealth, but you could see the pilots and you hear things and you don't like to hear this when you're flying. Pull up, pull up, pull up, pull up. That's the computer. Traffic, traffic. Yeah, I hear that. I can hear a regular plane. You walk up, I go, what's going on up here, guys? Traffic, traffic. I'm like, wait, bye.

500 feet. I go, what do these mean? What's going on? Why are you worried? 400 feet. 300 feet. Pull up. Pull up. Plants of planes heading your way. Ice. De-ice. Ice. Ice, baby. I was up there and I was yelling, what are you guys doing? What are you guys doing? And I heard the computer say, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. To me. Three times. Yeah. Three times. Yeah.

Who's this clown? I like when the pilot, I was sitting on the plane because it was all the way from Michigan. And then the pilot comes out and he takes a dump, you know, and they have to put the Bev cart in front of there. They won't even let me stand up. I know I'm not allowed to charge the cockpit. I know that part.

I know. Or look at the cockpit or head that way. She's like laying on it. And then I go, I just get up to go in the overhead to grab something. She goes, you'll have to sit down. You can't be in the aisle. I go, am I the guy?

Am I going to, am I really throwing it all away so I can somehow crash this plane and go to jail or whatever? And then about the worst part is we're all timing the pilot because he comes out so long, like 40 minutes. All the pilots unload like nobody's business. I don't know what they're doing right there. They're holding it during layovers. I don't know, but they definitely see God in there, man. It takes forever. Dude, he...

Took his time, read the paper. He comes out, he goes, what's going on out here? I go, well, we crashed on an island because there was no pilot. So do you want to help me gather coconuts? There was no one in the fucking flying the plane. Five foot tall flight attendant with her arms crossed standing in front of the beverage cart. If she's going to tackle Abdul who was ever diving at the beverage cart. Well, I don't think all terrorists are named Abdul. Good, we're canceled. No, any bit.

It could be Steve. Steve. He's the new head of ISIS. Steve, the terrorist. I will tell you before I get rid of you, Dana, because I got so many things to do today. I know, you do have a big life. But I was realizing when I got back from vacation, I don't get many Christmas cards anymore sent to me in the old days. No, no. Now I get lazy emails with a photo and I don't even get many of those. The last one was

happy holidays from your family at Toyota of North Hollywood, where you got an oil change three and a half years ago. I'm like, are you really my family? Then they have a picture of their 3,000 employees. I'm like, what am I supposed to do with this? Hey, there's Kenny from sales, I think, in the back. Oh, and then it says the bottom, please join us for our hot...

Chocolate brunch reception I'm like That was the worst fucking party I've ever been to Kenny wasn't there Come to Valencia On Saturday February 18th For a special barbecue Okay With all the Toyota Dealers and employees I'm like

Oh, I hope the guy that told me where the bathroom was, was there. That's the only guy I talked to in the whole thing. Hey, we should pick on someone who's not our sponsor. Come to all new Hyundai. Oh, right. March 4th. The Hyundai barbecue. Listen, I'm spinning this to where at least Toyota is inviting me places. Hey man, Toyota, I did a gig for them once where a corporate date where Jack Palance and I were doing a sketch together.

Like 8,000 people. And he's dressed like the city slicker. He's dressed like a cowboy. And he was so nervous that he went, he had a ballistic breakdown right before we went out. He literally went crazy. Yeah.

because they told him to move because they're bringing cars through. And then he goes out and he nails it perfectly, super charming. But I just thought, this is going to go down. We are in trouble. He was off his city slickers heat? Yeah. Yeah, doing corporate. He had a lot of heat after that. Oh, yeah. He wandered around and stuff. He did one-handed push-ups on the Oscars, right? Is that his claim to fame? Yeah. Friend of Billy Crystal's. He went to the stars. Friend.

I don't know why I said that. What were we talking about? We were talking about Toyota and then talking about you went, you were dating Jack Palance. Oh, Christmas cards. Yeah. I don't know about you, but lately I've just, I've allowed everything. Cause you know, they say allow location.

Oh, yeah. I just say yes. You do? You gave up? No. I just go, yeah. Then I go down and accept cookies. Cookies. Yeah. Give me those fucking cookies. I'm the cookie monster. You want to accept them or manage them? I press manage them. It goes, that's like accepting them. Thank you. I like it goes, hey, it doesn't matter if you want these cookies. Just press yes or no. And I press no and it kicks me off the website. I go, well-

I guess I have to say yes or I can't do anything. They're like, you're starting to get it. Yeah, starting to get it. With your fucking cookies. If you don't do, if you don't say yes to cookies, you don't allow them, you don't allow your location, your service gets kind of sloppy, your connection gets soft and, you know, that's how they get you. They know you don't care because they go, are you allowing us to use your camera roll and use it against you at some point? And I said, yes.

let me just see this menu I'm looking at or whatever. I don't know. I always end up just- Are we allowed to look in your bank and take money out of it? And I'm like, yes. Can we harvest your information and sell it globally to make ourselves rich? Can we get inside your personal information and put it out in the open market so people can target market you? And by the way, iPhones do listen. I mean, there's no way

You're talking and then it shows up on your computer or in your email, what you were saying. Are we allowed to watch you masturbate through your camera?

And then film it and then put it on YouPorn. I'm like, yes, just let me see this menu. Are we allowed to deliver a camera that we can stick on your crotch? We're realizing the camera we gave you to spy on you isn't good enough. Can you clip a camera onto your laptop next time you have sex and we can watch it? It's a crotch cam. We'll deliver it to you. Are we allowed to deliver it to this address? And we'll send real cookies to...

We're in the wrong. If you hit cookies, we will give you real cookies to go with the cookies. That sounds pretty good. Toyota's national sales event is happening now, meaning it's a great time for a great deal on a dependable Toyota truck. Like the Tundra, Workhorse by Nature, Powerhouse by Design combines raw capability with premium comfort and advanced tech to fuel your wildest adventures.

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Dana, the road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories. Oh, yeah. Or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is straightforward path every time. All you got to do is head over to good old BlueNile.com. Good news, David, on BlueNile.com.

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And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. These are great deals. I got to say, you know, I mean, you just want to have that loved one pick up that box and go, honey, I don't know what this is. And then you say, well, maybe you should open it. Okay. And then you hear, oh my goodness. I love you. I love you. Blue Nile. She says, I love you to blue Nile.

Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. I think for more sweet tooth, I have a thing called cream pie. Allow cream pie. Excuse me? I've been getting a lot of allows. Let me put it that way. I've been getting a lot of cream pies in my algo.

Does that sound sexual? Maybe we should go on that. It is sexual. I hate to break into the world. Oh, is it? I didn't know. Oh, yeah. What's the most delicious, irresistible dessert? Ask Heather. All right, let's end on...

That accidental dirty thing. But we want to tell everyone also, Dana, we are doing a spinoff. We're doing another podcast called Superfly, spinoff of Fly on the Wall. And it will be starting, I think, February 2nd. And it's going to be on video. Yes, we're making the leap. And then we'll be on YouTube. And you'll be able to see what we look like, filters, and what we feel like.

And we'll have clips on Instagram and TikTok, and you can comment saying, oh my God, these guys got old or whatever. How do they look that good? No, we'll be on camera doing stuff. So I'll tease this. I have a new bit I'm working on where Barack Obama calls Joe Biden and can't quite hear him clearly, so he gets Hunter Biden to interpret it.

So that'll be on super fly. And you can see it, which is even funnier. So you get to see us work in our bits. Yes. And it's funny. So that starts soon. So watch that also and fly on the wall. Now we're back for this year, 2024. So we have a lot of good people coming up and I hope you keep tuning in. We really appreciate it that you've made it a big hit show. We really, really appreciate it. So thank you so much. I never thought I'd hear the word season three. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't know we had season three. We have a season three. And thank you so much, everybody. And we will see you on Superfly and Fly on the Wall. Bye, Dana. Goodbye, David. This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff. Smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts.

Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.