Will Arnett
48:00 Share

Yes, I have actually stayed at Airbnbs from time to time. And truth be told, I do really like them. I'm being totally honest right now that I've had great experiences with them. Yeah. I mean, you can have your look at you go get your own place, get your own pool, your own living room. You're not going to walk in an elevator. You're not going to see people when you're walking around in your undergarments. Yeah.

Yes. And if you don't understand what we're talking about, you should go online. What we're saying is you have a house with a kitchen and a bathroom and it's just for you, tailored for you. You liked your Airbnb over a hotel. Yes. And I do think I've had relatives stay nearby and sometimes it's very nice for them to do an Airbnb and have a little house and they're not underfoot. The last thing you want is your house guest to say, excuse me, um,

Where would I find a towel? That's a toughie when it's... Because they're naked? Well, it's like the 1800th time you say, on the towel rack. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, I was going to look there. People don't even think hotels sometimes just go, hey, I'll go there, I'll get an Airbnb. So you won't regret it? This year, Dell Technologies' back-to-school event is delivering impressive tech with an inspiring purpose.

With every qualifying purchase, Dell will donate to ComputerAid, who equips solar community hubs with tech and AI literacy skills to empower remote, displaced, or disconnected communities around the world.

This is your chance to empower people globally through AI access and digital opportunity while upgrading your tech now powered by Snapdragon X series processors for game changing performance and to power efficiency. Help Dell make a difference. Shop AI ready PCs and get free shipping on everything at dell.com slash deals. Purchase any PC or monitor between

7, 15, 24 and 9, 11, 24. And Dell will donate a dollar 75 for each eligible product within your purchase to computer aid capped at $1.2 million total for details and restrictions. Go to dell.com slash deals. Okay. Our next guest is Will Arnett. And unfortunately I'm not on this podcast. So probably one of the better ones, but,

I do miss interrupting guests and David as much as I possibly can. So I do miss that. But I don't really have an excuse other than I forgot. That's a good old Steve Martin. Remember, I forgot on Robbery Was Illegal. Here's the reality, though, in 20 seconds. The week before...

Someone, I won't name names, said, you'll do it on Wednesday. So I thought it was on Wednesday and I had it in my head Wednesday. So normally with these things, I like just forget Tuesday. I went to get a Presto log at the store and I left my phone in the car and I was just watching Lost, the TV show.

And I didn't do any phone calls. And I was like, hey, it's Tuesday. I'm relaxing because tomorrow, Wednesday, is Will Arnett. Well, guess what, ladies and gentlemen? Will was on the Riverside Zoom, whatever it is, with David waiting for me. And I just want to apologize to Will Arnett. And the hardest thing to do is to apologize to my partner, David Phineas Spade.

My first public apology to my partner in podcast crime. David, from your point of view, what happened? Well, what happened? First of all, I like the slice of Dana's life. I wake up, I go in the backyard and put M80 firecrackers in a bullfrog's mouth. And then I bought a Presto log and then I lit my phone on fire in the fireplace instead of the log. And that took forever. I thought a little flavor. I like it. So anyway, we started it.

And Dana, to his chagrin, I don't know, he's always on time and always early and always prepared. And so I got nervous because I was the only one on the Zoom and then Will popped on. And after a while, I said, Dana must think it's at 530. So let's just start. And then he'll jump on. And then, of course, he's getting annoyed with just me because he wants to

talk to Dana. And then he goes, so, uh, what's the deal with Dana? Is he jumping on? And I go, Oh yeah, I don't know. He should be on soon. And then I'm like, anyway, me, me, me, me, me. And then we laughed and kicked and scratched and tickled. And then it had been the whole time an hour. So I said, I don't know what happened. And then he said, all right, well, if you want to,

Just do this one or we can do it again. So I said, it was pretty funny. Well, let's, let's, here's two thoughts. One thought is I think I'm about 108 podcasts. I was there on time and then one loss. So that's pretty good for an NFL team over six seasons. Secondly,

I really would have loved to have talked to Will Arnett, but you and he are pretty good friends. You did Snake Oil, the game show with him. So I knew for this particular one, I might have actually gotten in the way. So I'm sure it's very entertaining. So right now I am the audience. So I'm going to listen to what this podcast is like. This will be good because then you can take notes and say, where were we on? Where were we off? What can we change?

Now you objectively. Well, my casual nickname in terms of the podcast is loud mouth. And so I try not to be that. So I'm sure it's great. I would listen to it if I were driving somewhere right now. Mine is guestus interruptus. Well, that's just, you know, that's a genetic brain chemistry thing you have. Like if someone's on a roll, you've got to pounce on it. I got to kill it. I got to kill it. I got to stop it. Yeah.

So here's Will Arnett. And we did laugh a lot. I mean, we were a little bummed because there's no Dana, but we were just sort of bullshitting.

And that's the best stuff. That's what it all is anyway. You know what? In the end of the day, it really is. We should just call our show bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit plus. Bullshit plus. We charge more. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks, everybody. And here's Will. And I think you'll laugh and dog ear the parts that you think are funny and let us know. Thank you.

Oh my God, it's actually happening. My computer, I had to reboot my... Nothing makes me sound older than, I had to reboot my computer. Dude, you know what you do? You go to www.wifihelp.com. Okay, start. Okay, hang on. I'm going to write this down. Are you guys still... Are you still doing SmartList? Did that get canceled? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I like to start off on like a fake burn. That doesn't make sense. No, I'm just hearing some grumblings on the streets. I don't know. I don't know if any of that was true. Did you guys? No, I'm just checking. I was like, there's no way. Yeah.

I was, where's the truck that dropped the money off? Is that still there? Did they leave? Yeah. Apparently now they said we had to reload it from our side. Shut the fuck up. Don't even, now I'm getting mad. Does it make the beep sound when it pulls it and puts the money in your driveway? You want to know something?

You want to know something funny, and I should save this for the pod? It's already on. This is it. Is this it? Yeah. This is the high-energy pod. I live right next to one of the world's richest men. He lives kind of two properties down, but also kind of like there's this back road anyway. And

he's got fucking trucks and cars going in and out of there all motherfucking day and when i said trucks and cars i don't mean i don't mean like five or six i mean 100 200 a day and he's using this other and well i think he's getting married is what is is one of the things that i heard a scuttlebutt i heard from a from a worker dude on the street to a car and all his car friends are going to

He's getting married. It's so fucking weird. No, they're all work trucks. And the beeping. And it's like, you know, most neighborhoods, it's like, like LA County, you can work seven, six days a week. They can work Saturdays. Beverly Hills, it's Monday to Friday, no weekends. And it's like 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. or 6 p.m., whatever. This dude's got trucks 24-7. Fucking Sundays. Martin Luther King Day, these motherfuckers are beep, beep, beep, beep. It's blasphemous.

- Dude, I've seen like F-150s with beeps on them. I'm like, you're not adding that to a regular fucking truck on top of all. I was in a parking lot and this guy's like beep, beep. I look, it's like some crummy truck. I go, no chance, dude. You don't get that. And I, this sounds rich, but I live in a mansion. That's all. No, I live, that was the whole story. 55 windows, six pantries.

So, well, I have some dirt road or some little road by me. I didn't know when I moved in that they were going to be working on this guy's house for the rest of my life. And I don't know where they're even driving. So there's driving up a road and then there's a cement truck and there's a truck with a bunch of logs from...

from that movie where things fall on people and they all die. What's that movie called? Sure. You know the one I'm talking about. Final Destination. So every day I drive up my street, it's Final Destination. I'm following a log truck and then I'm following a bunch of boulders on one. I go, why is it always noisy and it's always trucks that need to make an 80-point turn and they go up there and I don't even know what they're building. And it's never ending. I hate their guts. It's so...

It's so fucking crazy. And this guy, here's the other part. Here's what's maddening. So yesterday, and it's the weekend and shit, holiday weekend, there'd be trucks, and there's like a back road behind my house into this guy's house. Middle of Beverly Hills, by the way. So these are talking about 1% problems. And then I see photos of this fucking guy. He's at the fucking fashion shows in Milan with his soon-to-be wife.

all over the place fucking flexing his muscles while i'm dealing with his fucking work trucks he's flying over in his global or whatever he's got a private 747 or some shit he's one of the richest men in the world bbb he doesn't give a fuck what i'm going through you know what that's a great trick great trick is when he's got a girlfriend or wife and he's like let's go to milan so i can stare at the chicks it's like a fake way to like we're at a fashion show check out that beaver

He's like, I mean, in a fashion sense. I love, I love, let's check out that beaver in a fashion sense. I think beavers are actually coming back, babe. I think beavers are. Let's get out of here.

Beavers did. No, I'm serious. Nothing is a better sign of prosperity than being knee deep in beef. Save a treat of beaver, honey. I put it on my trucks. It's funny. No, but you got the beeps. I got a case of the beeps. Dana moved out to...

I don't know where it's about two or three hours away. It was at Ojai, Heather. He moved somewhere like that way. And he's got like a nice little chunk out there. So he just likes the tranquility. And he used to live on, you know, sort of right in the heart of town and just got to him after a while. They were digging up the street with construction forever. And he goes, I just got to tap out for a while. It's just too much cones and beeps and trucks and

- Yeah, man. - Everyone feels so bad for us. Everyone's like, "Oh, are you guys okay?" Okay, I have questions for you about your career though. - But it's very relatable. Every time I complain about social- - It's very relatable. - About my house or something totally fucking unrelatable, my buddy Josh is always like, "Please tweet that."

He's like, you know, please hang yourself. Just tweet it. Everyone will hate you. The fucking, the guy, the billionaire who's driving his trucks up my back gate, your back gate.

Who has a back gate? It's not, it sounds fancier than it is. If you saw it, you'd be like, nice try. But it is legitimately. My garage, my driveway is so skinny that I, that two of my friends have can't open their car on the side. They pulled in and they pulled in when they got in, they go, what the fuck, dude? I just, I just heard something. I look and there's a full rip down both their sides, their car. No. I'm like, oh, what did you do? Yeah.

And it's 100% no, it's coming because it's so skinny and it sucks. And they bring like their whatever. You don't even have to have a big one. It's just I have a crummy driveway in a dog shit house. But other than that, things are going pretty good. I think the house is great. I'm guessing the house is great. It looks like a office building.

It's like glass. It's a classic look that I kind of hate now, but it's got glass and cement and everyone's like, oh, is this an office building? I'm like, no, it's my cozy house. They're like, this isn't a house. Is it a restoration hardware or something? Is it a air one? Anyway.

If it was an error one taco, I'd be filled with beef. Hey, do you, um, you pulled back. Don't you dare pull back. Well, always. Oh no. Cause I'm reading off something that somebody else wrote. I would never suggest that. How long have you been in your house? I was in one before this for 20 and, uh, now people listening are like, so you're at least 20.

Yes. I look so young. I come off very young. And then I lived here for two, so I'm at least 22. And I used to live in Truesdale, which is nice and rich. And now I live in Sunset Plaza, which is, you know, it's fine. It's a shoulder shrugger. You know, Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program. Oh, yeah. If you want to learn a new language, which no time like the present, it's always fun to learn when you get older.

I know. And it's not learning a language when you're older, you know, over the age of 20 is difficult. You know, I mean, all the high school Spanish I took grade school Spanish, you know, all I can say is Ola and hasta luego. So it goes out of your head. So now you have Rosetta Stone, David, tell them about it. Well, Dana, you know, more than anyone trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users in 25 languages. Uh, I mean, my gosh, uh,

They have Spanish, French, Italian, German. I don't think you can throw them a curveball. I think they're going to know. What don't they have? The language you want. Yeah. And immerses you in many ways. There's no English translations. You know what I'm saying?

They, uh, I know English. You need a Rosetta Stone for English, no English translation. So you really learn to speak and listen and think in that language. That's the whole idea. Rosetta Stone is that it sticks to your head. It sticks to your brain. I learned German out of a book. It just doesn't stick as hard. So this is, this is the way to do it. Designed for long-term retention.

There's a true accent feature. It gives you feedback on your pronunciation. Yes. And of course there's desktop app options. There's an audio companion and ability to download lessons offline. Yeah. So that's great. Lifetime access to all 25 language courses. Rosetta stone offers for 50% off a steal. And I, and I do think that the off label thing that we're, I'm ad living now going off script is,

Is that when you learn a language and you learn to pronunciate the words in that language, you start to learn about the people who live there and speak that language. Sort of a subtle, intuitive way of integrating with the culture. A little different, yeah. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time, Fly on the Wall listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off.

You just visit rosettastone.com slash fly. That's 50% off, unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash fly today. I will say that one thing people don't know is, maybe this isn't for you, but

I've never met my neighbors really in my other house for 20 years and I don't know them here. No one likes me. No one talks to me. No one. And I'm on a hill. So to even a walk to my house, it's like Barry's bootcamp to go 40 yards. It's no one will do it. It's so no one's like, Hey, come over for a barbecue. Hey, there's no camaraderie there. It's very weird. No, it's very, very weird. I agree with you. And I moved into this house coming up on, um,

almost three years ago. And the only people I've met are like the housekeeper for the people who live across the street who are now moving out. She's my friend. And I see her. And then she always waves to me. She's nice. She's worked for them for like 40 years. And she's super nice. The people I never see, I'm like, where are the people? Like my actual, on one side, next door neighbors, I've never seen them. I see gardeners and stuff. And then the other side's super weird. Some older dude.

and is like way younger. And then here's another one. I was out for dinner. I had all the kids and my partner Alessandra, and we were out having some dinner. And I get a notice that there's somebody's ringing the doorbell, like one of those apps on my phone. I'm like, what the hell is this? I can look at it. Look at this rich guy with his apps. I know, look at me with my apps. By the way, not even a yearly subscription, month to month.

And so cancel. No, I don't need to cancel. I'll fucking pay it. I don't give a shit. It's a buck 99 a month. But he calls me. Baller. I do. I'm killing it with the apps. So I look and I see this dude like staring down my staring down the camera of like my doorbell with his woman behind him.

10 times. I'm not exaggerating. 10 times hit the thing. And I can speak through the app and I finally go, Hey, it's kind of like one of those ring things. It's not actually raised another one, but anyway, I'm like, Hey, what's hello. You know, Hey, you're, you've got a fire going in your place. You've got an illegal fireplace. I go, no, I don't. You've got fire. And I know you can't do that. That's not right. But when I go, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm your neighbor, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I'm like, what? Keeps ringing. So finally I go, stop ringing the doorbell. I don't have a fireplace. You've got the wrong house, blah, blah, blah. So then I'm at dinner. I'm like, fuck, is there a fire at the house? So I drive, I'm like, and I leave. We've just ordered dinner. No way, you laughed. I leave all four kids and my girl and I get in the car because I'm like, now I'm nervous that there's a fire. So I drive, it's like 22 minutes away. I drive home. I get here. Of course, there's no fire. I don't have a fireplace.

I'm like, what the fuck is he fucking... So then I drive back. So I'm like, I'm going to find this fucking guy. I drive around the neighborhood because he sort of said... And then I call him and I go, hey, you came by my house and blah, blah, blah, because he'd left his number on a card. And on the card he said, you're not allowed to have a fireplace that you've put in. Jeez, he has to reiterate it? We know who you are, guy. Yeah. So I fucking call him and he goes, hey, listen, I go, I didn't have a fire. He goes, I know, it's the wrong house. It's the other people. And I go...

you ruined my night. You fucking rang my doorbell 10 times. I'm like the biggest crime. I didn't eat my dinner. And I'm like, you asshole. My sushi that was cold got cold. But then he goes, look, he's like an older, he goes, well, well, look, we're in the same business. We got a lot of mutual friends. I go, really? And he goes, you know, I'm old. He goes, I'm old friends with Jay Leno. I go, what? He literally said that to me. Dude, I get it.

I get the mutual friend thing too all the time. We got a lot of mutual friends. I went to one of Sandler's premieres. I go, do you know him? No, but I got a, that was a plus one. I go, oh, well, we're all in the same boat, I guess. I'm not really asking real questions. I'm not like that. This isn't like a real show, but I saw, I mean, I saw obviously Blades of Glory. Was stupid Swartzen in that movie? Nick Swartzen? Yeah.

That little pudgy rodent. Does he officially go by stupid? Yeah, he's a moron. He was. He wasn't that. He's like that dog on TikTok that looks around and goes, when you go to the airport and you don't know what gate you're at, and he goes, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop,

But yeah, he's super dumb and he doesn't know really anything. But he was in that movie. He was. Blades of Glory was a fun one, man. That was a fun movie. I was just talking about the other day, I went to a Kings game with Will Farrell and our kids and wife and stuff. Oh, right. And he was maybe saying, I was talking about, I ended up doing a bunch of the skating. I'm not the best skater in the world, but I did play hockey growing up.

So I skated in that. I did the most skating of everybody in that cast. Oh, really? Of my own. Yeah. I didn't do any, like, tricks or anything, unless I get crazy, but actual skating. But just skating is hard. Skating, can you skate backwards? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I skated with, like, you know, my ex, Amy, she and I played brother or sister in that. And we, I ended up doing a lot of skating with her double. It was one of the first movies they did face replacement. Yeah.

Where they did like CG. Oh. Yeah. They could do, I didn't know that in that movie. That's way back too. 2006 we made that. 88. We shot it. 88. What year did you start on? I think this quiet burns in. I know. SNL? 67. So you were pre-SNL. Before they called it SNL, you were in the pre-years. I was on SNL when I heard Jack Ruby shot that one guy. Oh.

When they do that, would you remember where you were? Yeah, I was doing a sketch. You were doing a sketch. You were doing Tuesday night writing when you heard Jack Ruby. Yeah.

Jack Ruby. And they go, Jack Ruby shot somebody. And I go, Lennon? And they go, fuck, let me check. I'll call you right back. Didn't Downey wrote a cold open about Jack Ruby right that week? He did? Oh, yeah. He had a cold open. We had to keep changing it because everything was changing so fast. We had Matt Damon come in and play him.

Cause all this cast wasn't good enough. I like when the cast goes, Hey, we're going to play this. De Niro is going to play your part. Matt Damon's playing your part. And you 22 cast members can sit in the balcony. If you want to watch the show, that's always a bummer.

- Yeah, nothing really major happened when I was on SNL like that, nothing good. Oh, you were in Toronto, by the way, 416 in the house. - Yeah, 416 is definitely in the house. - Is it still 416? Are they still making that? - Yeah, I mean the cool kids, yeah, yeah. But there are a bunch of new sort of valley codes now.

Oh, gross. You know what I mean? Is 416 the good one? Like 310. 416 is the old, as we say, I always say the OG. Do you know? I don't know if you know what that is. Yeah, yeah. 416 is definitely the OG. And then the new one is 647. Block. That's like going 818. Yeah, that's block. I got 818 block on my phone. Yeah.

I don't talk to people in the Valley. You whip around a hill, you say something to me. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Your dad ran Molson Breweries. I'm not reading this off Wikipedia. Your dad ran Molson. I don't know if you know this. And Molson, we chugged that shit in Arizona. We had Molson keggers. It had a big wide. Did it have a different...

I know there's Mickey's Big Mouth. You ever heard of that? No. What is that? That's a beer? That was a weird beer that had a big... Their hook was where you drank out of it, it was bigger. It was like a bigger circle. And that was their only hook. But Molson... You get more wasted, dude. Yeah, you get so fucking wasted and then you do it with a straw. Yeah. But Molson and then...

We went to Kager's. I put you through college. We drank so much Molson. Did you really? In Arizona. Were you a big beer drinker? You know, I was. I was such a fucking puss. I mean, you'll never believe this, but I was such a little dandelion. I wasn't this athlete, you know, hard-ass stuntman you see before you. I was just always like falling down from weakness. But I did take...

You know what I could do in school, which was shocking, aside from not get any action, was I would, we took weightlifting as an elective, and I would, I could bench. You know, you bench, you deadlift, you do all these things, you get graded on, but I could jump rope. Oh. I fucking, you know, I'm so fra- I can't now. I could whip it out. I would do, you do one minute forward, one minute backward, one minute of crisscross, one minute of doubles. Ooh.

And I don't know what the last one was, but it would burn you out so bad. And I was so good at it and it didn't get me any action. I thought it would. It wasn't really the panty dropper I thought it would be, but it was something. I needed something on the old pick and res. It's too bad you don't do it now. No, now it would be a cool thing to do because I would do it on...

Instagram all day and film it, you know, and show everyone like fucking, you got to rise and grind. But I barely rise and I do not grind. Nothing's worth anything if you can't record it and post it. Otherwise, what's... Of course. Why would I do that? Why would anyone do anything? There's no value. I can't believe I used to do anything because I couldn't post it.

yeah same here i don't man the people that do stuff and just film every goddamn day and i'm like all right the funniest thing is these girls obviously they're cute but they're on either instagram whatever and they literally like lean toward the camera fake cover their boobs like don't look or whatever and then they turn it on go back to standing and there's a song on they just kind of look around with dead eyes and this kind of move not that great and then they and then they kind of fake laugh and then they go back and turn it off and i'm like

22 million views? What the fuck is going on? I think the problem is by the time I figure out it's dumb, I can't reach to stop it. It's already clicked in. She's like, they counted. They got me. Do you think it's ruined this week on a very special fly on the wall? Do you think...

the internet has ruined us. No. Do you think social media has fucking destroyed us as a society? Just turned us into bigger morons than we already were. I do. Yes. No one thought it was possible, but yes, I think it's, it's exposed us as it's exposed our inner moron. Well, there used to be a little mystery. I, I do feel a little bit for the, uh, the women out there that, you know, when you were cute, my high school had like,

The two for sure babes. And then their only pressure was they heard some girl at Arcadia was pretty, but they don't even know outside of their town. So they're doing okay. But when you're in competition on Instagram with the rest of the world, you're like, oh my God, everyone's and every girl is pretty.

Or don't even, don't film. I mean, Instagram is ridiculous. And then between filters, you don't know if you're competing in a real competition or if they're, that's their version of steroids. They're like, wait, you had a filter, you're disqualified, but you don't know. So every single person is pretty. It's too stressful. I'm sure for women, it's like, how can I even look like every whatever? And that's part of it. The dumb things everyone films are part of it.

And America's got literally no talent. That's really the big underlying theme here. When they show what they do and stuff, I'm like, nothing. There's nothing. There's no, there's no wit to any of it. Right. I mean, this is like, this is my biggest complaint is that there's zero it's,

There's no wit and there's no real premium paid for wit anymore. You know, I mean, that's the bummer. That's a good way to put it. And I watch my kids, my teenage boys, they're pretty good, but for a while they were watching stuff. They're getting a little more discerning, but they'd watch stuff. And I go, like my 13-year-old Abel is, and both my kids are, my older boys are funny dudes, but Abel is like a seriously funny kid.

And I'm like, you're way funnier than the shit you're giving your time to. He's watching the wrong stuff, right? He's just watching a bunch of crap. And I'm like, what are you doing, dude? Yeah. You know what's funny? I block when they do those pranks and they're unfunny. They go in a store and throw a ball at a guy's head and they look around like, hey, who did it? I'm like, first of all, I really want you to get the shit kicked out of you. Second of all,

These aren't funny. They're to make you look great and everyone looks stupid. Yeah. And then they put all the like crying emojis to let you know, oh, this is funny. There's five crying emojis. You didn't laugh, but I'm showing you that this is a comedy piece. And then I block anyone that's not funny. I block them. I give them one shot and then I get mad. I go, no, please don't come up again. I can't.

I love that you said that about the crying laughing emoji. It's the equivalent to the applause sign, right? It's like, oh, oh, now I know. It really is. It's like, this denotes funny. Fuck, man. I watched an award show the other night. I'm not going to say which one. There was seven yesterday. Exactly. So this was recorded. This is timeless. And I was watching...

pieces of entertainment, I won't say if it's a movie or a TV show, that are nominated as comedies. Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer is the funniest movie of the year. No, I agree with you. Are you about to say that comedies you don't, you're like, that's not a comedy, is it? That's not a comedy. No, and I saw a show, and it won all this stuff, and I'm like, well made, great, like really, like good. Not a comedy. I would dare to say that they don't think. I saw one.

I saw one like that and I go, and it said for supporting actor in a comedy, they showed the show or whatever it was. And I go, that's a comedy. Yeah. I'm not sure it is. It would be like if they said succession was a comedy and you'd be like, yes, it feels like it's a way to get in a category to helpfully win or something weird is going on like that because I don't know what's going on. It,

It freaked me out, but then I'm like the worst person we were at our mutual friend's house watching, and then I'm like every... The restaurant? Yeah, the restaurant. And I had the fucking... I had the laser... Laser beams? I had the laser pointer going, and I was just... It was brutal. And I was... I did not... That's a tough room, but it's fucking hilarious. But that's every room in America. We were... Of course. Yeah.

Everyone does that. It's like, what? It's so awesome. Toyota's national sales event is happening now, meaning it's a great time for a great deal on a dependable Toyota truck. Like the Tundra, workhorse by nature, powerhouse by design combines raw capability with premium comfort and advanced tech to fuel your wildest adventures.

With the available i-Force Max hybrid powertrain, you can take electrifying horsepower farther than ever before. Or check out the fully designed Tacoma, delivering trail-dominating power and captivating style. The new Tacoma was born to make your off-roading dreams come true. And with new available tech, this legendary truck is getting even better.

Visit buyatoyota.com, the official website for deals. All new Toyotas come with ToyotaCare, a no-cost maintenance plan. See your dealer or visit buyatoyota.com for details. Let's go places. I have to say, I have nothing to say. Did you see Chelsea Handler on an award show, which could have been yesterday or six months ago? And she...

She looked great. She had a joke, but she kind of had a burn on her ex-boyfriend. I wonder if he texted her and said, not cool. I don't know. I saw that. I saw bits and pieces of it. I think, yeah, she's always, she's funny. She makes me laugh. She's super smart and funny. And I saw that too, and I was wondering if like, ooh.

I mean, that's a joke that the next person to host it might have capitalized off Joe Coy and said, I'm going to say a joke, but at his expense, you know, saying like, oh, I'm going to thank my writers that wrote that joke because I do like my writers. And then it kind of gets like,

an applause or something but i think i would have felt a little bad if i was jk because those shows are so weird dana and i talked about they're so tough and i posted some stuff and it doesn't always work and even have you ever gone out for like an award show and do your clanker joke and you're like work on it i'm like why am i working on this it's going to get absolutely nothing no matter what unless you're will ferrell you come out singing or something with kristin wig and it's like okay people

People are going to laugh. That's funny. It's, it's, there's so little upset. I, I was, I texted with Will after the Globes because he and Kristen came out and did that bit with the music. And I was like, that was the highlight of the night by far. Nothing else was close. But then you see like, again, there's no upside. There's no, why do it? I've,

I've been asked to host a bunch of those things and I've always said no. And I'm like, nope, including, I won't name them, but, but ones, a bunch of the ones that were just very recent. I was like, no way. Right. The stunt metal awards. Yeah.

The stunt man, um, production design awards and catering, catering, catering awards. Um, no, I, but because there's no upside, I'm not saying I'm a big, I'm not showing off that they asked me. I mean, they've asked a million people. Like I'm one of 800,000 people that they asked. Uh, I just mean that my thought process is very tempting. It's hard to win. It's very tempting, but it's hard to get a win out of it. So why? And,

And so few people are really great. Like Kimmel's great at it. I love, I think he's so good at it. He's pretty smooth and he's very nonplussed and he kind of giggles and nonchalant. But they're used to him. And I think that was Joe Coy. They didn't know him like back and forth like they know Kimmel. And so they're sort of like you got to earn it with us guy. And by the way, he didn't totally bomb. There's a couple things didn't work like everything, but

I think the Taylor Swift thing along with some others just sort of put him in a hole he couldn't get out of. Yeah, it's tough to come out swinging like that if they don't know you. I thought the same thing, which is they're like, you don't have, it's not like you don't have any goodwill. You just have no will. They have no idea who you are. So that's tough. I felt for him. I really did. A lot of people were like shitting on him. I just thought, man, the fucking poor guy, that sucks. Like no matter what, that just must feel lonely as shit.

I don't know. Yeah, I was just saying to... Well, I don't know anybody, but I was talking to myself the other day and I was saying, I saw on Instagram, you'll laugh at this, and you better, so I'm cuing you with emojis that it's funny. But...

I saw a picture of me at a premiere of like Terminator and I'm... And I realized I was such a fucking premiere whore that when I was on like Just Shoot Me or After SNL, I know me and Farley went to at least 100. We were at Casino with Scorsese. It was so exciting. Like, hey, they treat you like a king. Hey, you want to come to our premiere? Hey, it's a huge movie. You get to see it a week ahead and you get to front row and free everything. There's a press line. You're going to see all these people. And I...

And I, I wet the beak a little too much on that one. And I was looking back and they keep showing me now I'm in this algo. It's like,

And he was at another premiere. They don't say that. They just say, oh, here's the premiere of Speed. There's Keanu Reeves. There's David Spade. I'm like, fuck, was I at that too? And then it's like, here's True Lies. David Spade, Chris Farley. I go, you're kidding me. And I look like the biggest dope in everyone. I'm like, who? But you know what? It was different back then, though. Obviously, the new stylist. But it was different back then, too. There wasn't as much. Here's the other thing about the award show. I have two things I want to say about that. One is...

I, this goes back to my earlier point about social media. Now you turn on the thing. You're like, why don't I get it? They're like, so-and-so's on the carpet. I'm like, so what? I just saw there on fucking Instagram yesterday. It's not special. It used to be, you never saw these people. Now you just see them all the time. You're like, who gives a fuck? The other thing is, I think you should put together a coffee table book of you at premieres. And it goes like, it's premier whore. Yeah. Yeah. And then show me. Yeah, dude, it would be amazing. Yeah.

It is funny that every outfit and have everyone just check it out and go, you're joking with these pants and shit. But it was funny because everything got approved by me and I thought it looked pretty, pretty styling.

Sure. And now I'm sad about it. Yeah. But it was, and I was like, oh, that was fun. Oh, that one was fun. It was fun, but I was a little drunk with like, Hey, I get to go where, you know, it was fun. And this and that. And I'm at the MTV awards. I'm like, God, take your foot off the gas guy. And I didn't even have a hair makeup. I didn't have anything. It was just like, Hey, this, this coat doesn't fit me. I'll wear that.

And these jeans are out of style. I'll wear those. I'll wear these goddamn shoes. And then my hair will look stupid. And here's glasses that I'll regret later. And I'll put those sunglasses on. And then maybe give a few peace signs. And God, duck lips. I was early on the duck lips, I tell you. Duck lips, peace signs. I think it was out of nervousness. What about pray hands? I haven't done that.

You know, it's funny. You're right about Harrison Ford. The real movie stars you didn't see out on Instagram. Growing up, you go Paul Newman, and it was old school with like,

you know, there's some big star like Frank Sinatra and he comes out of a club and there's a paparazzi going flash, flash. Oh wait, I'm sorry. That's not your wife. I'm sorry. We'll burn the film. Yeah. But you know, they weren't like out to get you. No. And, uh, and now, yeah. And then you don't see these guys unless you see them on stage in person. It's very valuable to see them. You go to their show or,

or you see their movie and that's it. You don't run into them in real life. And now Keanu Reeves is doing like noon chucks on TikTok. You're like, no, you stay, you stay,

In the movies. Actually, that's a bad example. He's one of the few that's super cool and just... Yeah, he's cool. He can carry it. But I know what you mean. Do you think... What was the deal? Boy, hey, tell this year old without telling this year old. Martin Scorsese's done all these videos, right? He's like on TikTok or Instagram with his daughter. Yeah.

And it's like, okay. And people have been, it's become like a thing. And like, it's like him. I don't know what he's doing, but something I'm thinking like, you didn't see like Cecil B. DeMille on Tik TOK. You know what I mean? Like this guy. I didn't see John Wayne doing the hot pepper challenge. Here's Jane Fonda trying to swallow cinnamon.

throwing up on camera. So true. It's so weird. Here's Clark Gable doing the ice bucket challenge. Clark Gable put his nuts in a fucking mousetrap. Got a million views. You're like, I want to see his movie. No, you see him in his movies and then like every once in a while they'd have a photograph of just, you know, him getting out of a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce and you're like, oh,

Right. So cool. Yeah. Maryland, the old days, like, and now they want you to jump around and the, you know, the rock. Maryland Monroe right now would have Maryland Monroe would have 50 would have 500 million followers on only fans. You know what I mean? Like that's the difference. Yeah.

She would flip the OnlyFans quickly. Oh, for sure. She'd be like, should I be a trillionaire overnight or not? It's a tough call. Every time I look on Instagram, they're like, oh, look at this nice young lady and there's like a chili pepper by her picture. I go, uh-oh. Link tree. Uh-oh. Boop. Boop. Millionaire. Millionaire. It's fucking true, man.

Dana, the road to getting engaged can be long and full of memories. Oh, yeah. Or it can be short and thrilling or somewhere in between. But the road to finding the perfect engagement ring is straightforward path every time. All you got to do is head over to good old BlueNile.com. Good news, David, on BlueNile.com.

You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. The original online jeweler since 1999, they've committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that in most cases they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond.

Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, can be delivered overnight. You got 100% satisfaction guarantee. Guaranteed free shipping and returns. You can make sure your ring is the one, the one you want.

And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. These are great deals. I got to say, you know, I mean, you just want to have that loved one pick up that box and go, honey, I don't know what this is. And then you say, well, maybe you should open it. Okay. And then you hear, oh my goodness. I love you. I love you. Blue Nile. She says, I love you to blue Nile.

Yeah, because it's such a nice ring. It's an unmarked thing, but then it says Blue Nile somewhere. Yeah. She goes, oh, you couldn't have. You wouldn't have spent that much. Oh, this has got to be a trick. This is too nice. Yeah, no. Right now, get 30% off. Select Lab Grown Diamonds on BlueNile.com. Plus, use code FLY, very important, to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more. What is it?

That's $50 off with CodeFly at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. I'm a nibbler, Dana, and I think you are too, but you always know me that I just have to keep the energy going. And I think because I learned from my dad, pistachios are a good source of just, you know, nibble, wake you up.

They're always delicious. I actually named a character in a movie I did called Master of Disguise. The lead character's name is Pistachio. That's how much I love pistachios. Yeah. Well, wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shells. It's the same taste. It's delicious, but...

It's a lot less work. As you know, cracking them open can be a little bit of a job. Less cracking, more snacking is what I say. That's what I say. That's what you say. And I'm going to use that when my wife goes to the store. Wonderful pistachios. No shells flavors come in a variety of award-winning flavors, including chili roasted. Honey roasted. Honey roasted.

Sea salt and vinegar, smoky barbecue. Sea salt and pepper is one I like the most. And I'm going to try this jalapeno lime. They don't have a red, red necky flavor just yet. Yeah, look at him there. Red, red necky loves pistachios. I like to crack things open and put them in my mouth.

Come and eat some. Come and eat some. You could do that. Spice lovers go nuts. It's time to get spicy with Wonderful Pistachios' newest no-shells flavor, jalapeno lime. With a wide range of flavors, there's a Wonderful Pistachios product for every taste bud and occasion. From enjoying with family and friends to taking them with you on the go, which is what I do. I always have them in the car. Savory, salty, smoky, spicy, or sweet Wonderful Pistachios.

No shells. Flavors are delicious. Snacks that consumers can feel good about. Yeah, next time you're shopping for snacks, you're craving something crunchy, something satisfying, ditch the bag of chips and grab Wonderful Pistachios. No shells. Your body and taste buds will thank us because we told you about them. Visit WonderfulPistachios.com to learn more. I was going to ask you if you skateboard. It says you skateboard. It doesn't say you skate. No. Skate. You don't skate.

I mean, skate and I'm such a skateboarder that we call it skating. That's where we got messed up. Do you skateboard? Did you skateboard in Arizona? Fuck yeah. Yeah. I would skate desert pipes. I would skate pools and shit. I was cool for a while. I didn't even know I had some components of being cool and it didn't really pay off.

My favorite thing was when I was on Smart List and Sean said he goes to the seafood restaurant. I always think about that when I go to Koi. Remember when that funny when he goes, I was at a seafood restaurant. And we kept going, I'm like, you don't mean Koi, it is sushi. And he's like, yeah, seafood. I go, who on God's green earth calls it seafood?

Did you ever, I hope you ragged him about that. Oh my God. Are you kidding? We fucking none fucking stop. It's the funniest fucking thing in the world. It's so fucking. It was at, when we did, we did, I did smart list his show. And at the beginning, I'm waiting to come on. And, uh, and, uh,

I know. Yeah. Heather blew it. I think Heather said, hang on, David, you're up, but they still didn't know what David it was. But the idea of smart list for those of you who don't know, uh, two of you guys aren't ready. Whose guest was I? Do I remember? I think you were mine, right? Weren't you? Okay. So, so anyway, so I come on and then two people aren't prepared, but they just wing it. And then, um,

But Sean, before I got on, was talking. Say it again? Oh. So he gets on and he starts, before I get on, and I was listening, waiting to come on. And he's like, we were at the seafood restaurant. And he kept talking. I'm like, I see David. I see this guy there all the time. And I go, I've only seen him at the sushi restaurant. And then I go, and then when I got on, we start busting as well. He goes, yeah, that's what I meant. We all were like, blah. By the way. It's pretty funny. By the way.

It's amazing. And your episode is one of those episodes that people, I'm not just saying this because I'm doing this. People love your episode. Your episode was fucking hilarious. You told so many good stories. That story about you waiting tables.

And then your manager giving you shit and you're like, hang on a second, man, I'm fucking killing it over here. Why are you? When I'm a busboy in Arizona. Oh, you're a busboy. You're a busboy. You weren't even a woman. Everyone hated me and I got fired from every goddamn job. And then when I went over and,

The manager tells me not to talk to the people. And I said, I want to be a waiter. He goes, you don't got this stuff. And I'm like, what stuff? I do the hard part. I lift everything. I do it. The waiter just goes, Hey everybody. And then walks away and goes, take care of that table, bring them their food. So he kept ragging on me because I kept doing little bits to the tables. And then, well, the punt, the last part was, it was, he told me a hundred times,

And he was standing nearby and I went up by a table and they go, Hey, shark was on the menu. Remember that? It was a special day with shark for some reason in Arizona. And I go, someone I'm over there, squeak, squeak, cleaning their fucking plates. And they go, Hey, how's the shark? I go, Oh, I got a motto. I don't eat them. They don't eat me. Spade. I'm like, God damn it. I go, what? And he goes, what are you doing over there? I go fucking killing. Yeah.

And he goes, dude, I just told you don't talk. I go, I'm getting applause breaks at the big tables. And he's like, dude, you're done today. And I'm like, are you joking? These people will fucking riot if I'm not here. I'm the closer, dude. I'm like headlining. It was so embarrassing. He fired me and I'm like, okay, you tell him. And he's like, no one notices. No one cares.

But I thought I was like the hit of the whole place. He fucking fired you. Never ever was a waiter. Yeah, never was a waiter. Never got it. I bust so many times and got fired. And then I finally, and then I was a dishwasher. I go, I think I'm going backwards. And it was sad. That is backwards. Anyway, I'm going to sum you up, ready? Because you've been very nice. Okay. And I know we joke a lot. We did snake oil. We did snake oil. Snake oil we worked on. On Fox. That was a lot of fun. That was on Fox.

And those products are actually so funny. You know, the funny, the only funny thing I'll say about that show is it's a, it's a show where you guess the products and to guess which one's real and which one's fake. Yeah. And even after I shot it, first of all, I was wrong every time when I shot it, even when I watched it, I still don't remember. And I still don't know. That's how dumb I am. I'm like,

That was the fun of it. You, they're like, there's no way it's that. And then it's always that. Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't remember it if, if, if I had to go back, cause I came on and did that episode and if I had to come on and, and they gave me the same products again, I wouldn't remember. Exactly. But, but I will say this, the guy who was, I was partnered with, he didn't take my advice. I would have won.

- I would have won my, you don't remember. - Oh really? - But I would, yeah, I would have won. - Sometimes it goes the other way, but yeah. - Yeah, 'cause she didn't take my advice at the last, I said, "I think it's this." And he's like, "Meh, I'm like, okay, up to you, buddy." - Hey, it is up to them. So, but you know, I remember when Bethany Frank was on, they had one of the craziest ones was just a square piece of wood and they go, "This is a fake camera to take fake selfies "so you can really live your life out." And I'm like, "This is so ridiculous."

And of course it was real. And then I go, the idea is you take, you just hold up. It's the same as a picture. Like why wouldn't you do with your camera? Why is that? This is ruining your night also. I'm not going to fix this overnight. All right. Well, you're a sweetheart and I do miss you and I'll see you over at our friend's restaurant soon. Hopefully I'm going to tell Dana you came by.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey. Please follow, subscribe, leave a like, a review, all this stuff, smash that button, whatever it is, wherever you get your podcasts. Fly on the Wall is executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, and Heather Santoro. The show's lead producer is Greg Holtzman.