From Marital Missteps to Masterful Moves with Keith Yackey
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- So what are the biggest five, if you had to pick five mistakes that men are making in their marriage, what is it? If you had to just pinpoint it down to the five biggest mistakes, what are they? And now, Escaping the Drift, the show designed to get you from where you are to where you wanna be. I'm John Gafford and I have a knack for getting extraordinary achievers to drop their secrets to help you on a path to greatness. So stop drifting along, escape the drift, and it's time to start right now.

Back again, back again for another episode of the show that gets you from where you are, man, to where you want to be. And, you know, we talk so much about that on this show about entrepreneurial stuff and the wonderful world of being an entrepreneur. And do you get so busy in what you do? If you're in sales, if you're running a business, if you're doing whatever you're doing, you get so busy in life that sometimes you can neglect your significant other. And so many of

of my good friends that are very high performing individuals. Unfortunately, man, over the last couple of years, a lot of those dudes have wound up getting divorced. And I don't think that that's something that anybody wants. And I don't think that's something that anybody is looking for. So today, man, I got the expert. I got the guy. I got the dude that is going to show you from where you are to the promise, man. And if you're a woman, listen to this.

Maybe you get some tips to nudge your guy in the right direction. This isn't just like a show for dudes. I'm not saying ladies turn us out today. I am saying this is going to be great stuff if you are in a relationship and want to take that thing to the next level or if you're taking your life to the next level with every other place. But this one's getting a little bit left behind. This is your guy that can help you and get you where you want to be. Welcome to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, founder of the married game program. This is Mr. Keith. Yeah, Keith. Keith.

Yes, man. John, what is up? Let's go. What's up, buddy? Let's talk about this, man. Let's talk about it. I feel you already. The energy is amazing.

Yeah, dude, long time, no see, man. I'm so glad to have you on. It's been a minute since I've been able to see you. And I'm glad that we get here. And I've watched you kind of build this thing from afar. And I think myself, like everybody else, you know, you can say to yourself, my marriage is great. You know, I got to see what Keith is doing, but I don't need that. Right. I don't need that. And I think that's probably, look, I'm not saying I have marriage problems, but I'm saying that's probably the attitude that gets people excited.

in a problem, they probably get to a point where it's too late to fix it and then they can't fix it. And then they're, then the next thing you know, they're divorced. Would you say that's accurate? Yeah. And then the saddest thing is they get divorced and then they get in perfect shape. They start doing spiritual retreats. They become this enlightened, amazing ascended figure and their ex-wife's like, well, shit, had you done that beforehand, I probably would have still given you blow jobs and hung out with you and actually wanted to be with you. So yeah, it's a, it's an interesting dynamic for sure.

It's one of those, I saw a meme this morning that said, yeah, how come every time you break up with him three days later, he's got a full ride scholarship to Harvard and a down payment for a house and abs is what he said. So how did you get into the game of the married game? What brought you to this, man? You know, I was actually just talking with Jesse, my wife. I was telling her about, I was gonna be on your podcast today. And I said, you know, I met him

And really met you almost, I think it'll be eight years, about eight years ago, seven or eight years ago. I can't remember. It was either seven or eight years ago. And that's when her and I, that's when she left me. That's when I met you. Cause I remember I was going to somewhere in Vegas where there's the, I can't remember the name of it now, but it's right by the link, that area.

And you were doing a nightclub or doing something down there. I remember talking to you about it right around as that was happening. And I remember that's when she left me. So that was about that time. I'm just trying to piece some timeline together. So I've talked to each other since then, obviously. But that is the origin story is when she said, I'm done. We're out of here. And that is what woke me up to...

two married game. I had been a fan of game before I met Jesse and used what a lot of guys understand is just, you know, how to, how to understand women. And ultimately you understand them because at that time I wanted to have sex with them and I didn't want to have any woman. I wanted to have sex with the pretty one. And the problem is you got to get the pretty one to want to have sex with you. So you had, I had to learn game cause I didn't grow up handsome and with money or anything. So I thought, all right, well, what do I do?

Are we talking about like the Neil Strauss level game? Is that what we're talking about? Like that book? Yeah. You're talking about that? Yeah. Okay, cool. You're talking about the pickup artist culture is what you're talking about. That's a piece of it. I've since realized that if you happen to be the guy that is the guy, you don't really need a lot of game for your wife to want you or for any pretty girl to actually want you. But at the time, I didn't know that. Yeah.

And what I realized was I was great at attracting one night stands, girls, whatever, and had slept with hundreds. But when I met with Jesse, she's the one that really changed the game for me. And so then when we said, hey, I do, I do, let's do this forever. Well, five years into it, we're moving into our dream house. And she goes, yo, man, you run your business. You come home and talk about your business and you fall asleep on the couch. That's not what I signed up for. Like, that is not what.

what attracted me to you in the beginning, I've been telling you, and I didn't want to change and I didn't change. And so her actually leaving is what woke me up to go, Oh my God, how did I, how did I marry her at 185 pounds of tiger meat wrapped in barbed wire? And now I'm 245 pounds of fucking lard and flub. And I'm, I'm not, and I'm mad that she doesn't want to have sex with me, but I'm the one who gained 60 pounds. What, what crazy man am I?

That I would think that that would be okay. And that's just the obvious, not to mention that I neglected her, meaning I hardly hung out with her. I hardly spent time with her because I'm building my business and building my empire and I'm succeeding. Yet, when you have your best friend who knows you better than anybody, literally say my life would be better without you in it, the thought of success instantly evaporates and go, dude, you done did messed everything up. Yeah.

Now, now what? And that's when I had the moment I was like, oh shit, I'm the problem here. And then also it didn't happen in the same breath. But when you're looking back, it looks like it did almost in the same breath. I realized if I'm the problem that I'm the solution. And that if I actually became the most attractive version of myself for myself, not for her, not to get her back, but just because that's actually who I am as a human.

Dude, I would have no problem keeping the girl that I'm with totally attracted to me, which means all the sex I want, all the love and affection and care and all the stuff that I would want because I'm the guy who's willing to give that stuff and understands who she is. So she feels so damn love that her cup is overflowing that I get whatever the hell I want. I didn't realize that this is actually the cycle of what it meant to have real game in a marriage, not lines and things to trick her into giving you shit that you don't want the same way you don't become rich by robbing people.

you become rich by offering them what they want some people some people do some people do some people some people do but i'm saying like that's not the way to really to do it and feel great about yourself it's you offer something that somebody wants and they're glad to to exchange in that and it's the same thing become the husband that your wife totally wants

And then she'll be happy and honored to be able to serve you and love you in a way that makes you feel served and loved, which most guys happens to be sex. Because that's the fruit that once that starts to wither away in a tree, a dude starts getting really grumpy, really cranky, and he doesn't actually know how to fix it. Most men don't. So that's how I got led into this whole crazy thing that I do now. So your wife came to you and said, I'm out, right? I'm done.

and you said you made a realization that you need to become the better version of yourself. So what was the first thing that you started doing? What was the first thing you did? Well, first and foremost was I sold her 185 pound, 9% animal, body fat animal, like a guy who could really handle himself. But I bait and switched her and delivered the 245 pound, not so animal.

Like not even close. We took we took pregnancy pictures with our daughter with us both holding our bellies. That's hot. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's hot. Yeah. Yeah. That was first and foremost. I go because here's the other thing is once you realize this person leaves, every guy's like, well, I don't want to jerk off forever.

I want to have actually sex with a pretty woman like I'm used to being married to, but at 60 pounds heavier than when I'm... Almost like most guys, after they get divorced, they become market ready. When in reality, if you just become market ready before they leave, then you'll never go back on the market. And so what I did was I dropped the weight immediately. I'm like, I'm going to go lift. But I also immediately hired a coach, three coaches actually, because I thought,

I've been with hundreds of women. I know what that feels like. This one was special and I'm the one who ran her away and she happens to have my daughter. So if ever there was a, uh, uh, uh, an opportunity to learn how to get someone back, this would be the one. And so I hired three coaches right then and there and to learn it.

So you hired three coaches. What were the coaches? So each one specializing something different. What were they specializing in? No, I just didn't want to miss anything. I, they all specialize in the exact same thing, John. How same thing, which, which was what, how to get, how to get your ex back. Really? So you want to say, so, okay. I heard three.

You hired three coaches. You're like, were they teaching the same stuff? Was there overlap? Was there conflicting stuff? Where was it? And they were different people. One was a woman, one was a dude, and then one guy only did email correspondence and his YouTube videos. So it was like I had, and they all spoke to me in different things. And I can literally quote you from each of them huge understandings. But when it all came down to it, whether

Whether you're trying to get your ex back or you're trying to get the sex back with your current relationship right now, which is a lot of guys, way more than most people think. And what I realized from all of them was I only had one play. So three coaches that I didn't actually believe went through what I went through. But for some reason, they were talking in a way that I really listened to. They may have been through what I've been through, but their psychology sounded right on.

And when it all boiled down, did I realize if I want to get her back, I've got to move on. And if I want to move on, I got to move on. And I just realized I got to move on. Dude, that's, that's so funny because I always think about that scene in swingers, right? Like I told my son this way, but when he and his girlfriend, his first girlfriend broke up, I was like, bro, here's the deal. I said, uh,

If you want her back, you got to just act like you don't want her back. And then, you know, when you get to the point when you really don't want her back, that's when she'll want to come back. And then you probably won't care what she wants to come back. He's like, well, that doesn't sound good. I go, yeah, that's the rub. Yeah, that is how it works.

It's an energy thing. It's an, because if you, when you, when you want her and need her so bad, there's this desperate needy energy coming across, which is very unattractive. So it's like, nobody likes that. Nobody. Yeah. But when, but the reason a woman wants to be with a man is because she wants to be with the man.

She wants to be with the guy. Nobody wants to go hang out with the runt of the litter. Nobody said, I can't wait to be married so I can be bored and hate this guy and hate the way he chews his cereal. Nobody signed up for that. They all signed up for this feeling that they gave each other early on when they were dating. And what I've come to realize, I've built this company. We are thinker now damn near three and a half years into this thing now.

And now I've got some real understanding having, having had hundreds of guys come through and I've actually been able to see their situation and see how it kind of all works. And what I, what I keep realizing is, yeah, guys want, they want sex, of course, but really what they want is they want to be wanted the way they felt back when they were felt wanted back when they were dating. The whole reason they would sign up for this lifelong engagement was, Hey, they felt pretty fucking good about it until they stopped showing up and

They stop like it's like they act as if they made it through the finish line as opposed to stepping into the starting blocks. And they start taking their foot off the gas and you start to hear like they start expecting things because that's my wife. That's my wife, dude. And it's almost as if it's like you and I would say, well, that's my employee. Yeah. It's like, what do you do? What are you doing? So I never learned any of this.

My dad didn't teach me this. I didn't have any. I hired these coaches, even though I didn't know what their relationship looked like. I didn't know if they'd really been through this. I just was so desperate to hear what they had to say and then took it back. And then I realized, oh, shit.

I knew everything what they, I already knew everything I needed. I just didn't, I didn't understand a short-term attraction and long-term attraction. That's the part I did not understand. And then I, and then as I've been through this now and I understand the difference and I'll explain the difference here in just a second, I started realizing shit, married game, married guys need more game than single guys because of a single guy strikes out, go on to the next. But if a married dude strikes out, he's like,

I struck out and I don't know how to not strike out again. And then he feels like he's in this prison where all he wants to do is be connected with his wife. And that's the last. And then he's feeling rejected from her. So now he's like, I've got all this abundance in my business and my employees will do whatever the fuck I want. My kids actually love me. And man, I am the man about town. And I come home and my wife's like, you can go back in your cage. Good, sir. And he's like, what are you talking about? So he has all this abundance and then scarcity in the marriage. And that's the guy that I help.

And I realized, motherfucker, he needs game. Yeah. So what are the biggest five, if you had to pick five mistakes that men are making in their marriage, what is it? If you had to just pinpoint it down to the five biggest mistakes, what are they? Okay. First and foremost.

I would correlate with the five things I believe every wife is judging their husband on. And it's this. All right, cool. All right. What is that? I have a five dial system that literally is exact. If you dial these five. So the five was the right number. See, it's the right number. It's right there. The five is a good number. Okay, cool. Bam. Yeah. So the five things. Well, first of all, let me say the four things that every guy does.

That everybody's telling him to do and they're wrong. And I'll just say it in 20 seconds so we can get it out of the way. I call them pseudo solutions, meaning they're taught as if they're real and every guy's tried them and none of them have worked. Number one, do more around the house. Okay. More chores, more dishes, more trash. Every guy's tried it. Every guy knows fucking doesn't work.

Buy her more gifts. Let's just keep her happy and keep that closet full except doesn't usually end up in more sex Say yes more be more agreeable. Happy wife. Happy life Guys have tried that Doesn't work and I just kind of said happy wife happy life green more but those are the four those are kind of together and guys like dude I'm agreeing. I'm listening. I'm liking and I'm uh-huh and

I still am not getting laid. Like, okay, cool. Those are all the wrong things. They aren't the wrong actions, but they are always done with the wrong attitude. They're done with the attitude. If I do these things, then I'll get sex. Then I'll get blowjobs. And a woman like my wife, when she sees a husband doing that goes, dude, I feel like all you want is the hole in me and not the whole of me. I feel like a walking vagina is what my wife told me. Yeah.

The same way if you and I, our wife asked us for money every single time we talked to her and didn't want to hang out and find out about us, a walking ATM. Yeah. Walking wallet. Yes. So, and not only that, here's the other thing. Men hate being sexually rejected. We fucking hate it. It's the worst, especially if dude, you're really crushing in the other areas of life and you get rejected on that one. It just, it just devastates the man's soul as it should, because there's no connection there with the one you're supposed to be connected with.

But the same way a guy feels that is the same way our wives feel when we emotionally neglect them. They're like, they feel so alone. So these five dials were based off of what actually moves the needle to get your wife attracted to you. Because that's what I realized. When it's all said and done,

The way to have true game in your marriage is to be the most attractive version of you for you. And attract means to lean in, not push away. And so these five things are, will kill your late, your lady's lady boner faster than anything else. And if you can figure these out, dude, you will be on your way to a very fruitful marriage and,

And we'll dial in there. You ready? So that's what we should not have done. Let's hear what we should do. Give me the five. Give me the wheel. The wheel of happiness, I guess. That's not what you call it. Rename it your own shit. I don't know. Let's go. Let's go. The wheel of happiness. The wheel of connectedness. All right. So number one, she's judging you on are you a good parent?

Every mom is looking at the dad and saying, do I feel like a single mom even though I'm married? And Jessie felt like that with me. She didn't even want to have a second kid with me. She's like, I feel so alone and so neglected. I changed like six diapers and was barely ever there. And she's like, dude, I don't know what the fuck is your problem, but this is your child too. And a good tip for a guy, if he's not doing very well in this style, is if he ever utters the word, I got to babysit my kid this weekend. Yeah.

Oh, my dude. Okay, dude, no shit. No shit. Okay, I'm going to say two. So we're going to address each one of these and go through it because I probably, you know, and I think so many successful entrepreneurs, you know, do this probably as well. And I know women that are successful entrepreneurs that have husbands that kind of get the flip side of this coin. It's like, look.

I'm going out grinding, getting us ahead. So this baby side of it, like one of us has to sleep because one of us has got to bring home the bacon. And so you're going to do the baby stuff. And I probably did say to my wife, like, you're doing the baby stuff. Like, this is it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'll say this, man. This is going to turn into a Cal succession for me, I guess. Because, you know, the other day, me and my wife were having a conversation about the kids and enforcing kind of schoolwork and enforcing the rules around school.

and my wife's it came out of her mouth she said i feel like when it comes to the kids i'm doing this by myself and my response was you are like that yes when it comes to making sure the homework and shit is done that is your job yes it is it is your job and uh and yeah maybe that was the wrong move maybe that wasn't right

If she's saying it, it means it bothers her. So it's not whether it's the right or the wrong move, but it's like having enough awareness as a man to be like, yo, does my, I look at marriage as a team. Okay. My wife and I were on this, we're on the same team, which oftentimes most guys and gals, they lose that, that essence of we're on the same team.

So I want what's best for and I know what's best for Jesse. My wife is she wants to feel loved for who she is at the core of her being accepted for who she is the same way I want to be loved and accepted at the core of my being for who I am.

That is what we want. But when we come to what you might, this is one of these situations you're bringing up, which a lot of guys do is like, I am only about the money. You are only about the kids. And that's where it can be like, of course, dude, my wife knows I got to go hunt the Buffalo. In fact, she wants me to hunt the Buffalo and bring back a lot of pelts and a lot of meat so we can have cool fucking teepees and eat really good food. There's a reason your woman wants that. And that's good. But when I'm home,

I'm not sitting on the couch unwinding because I've had such a hard work day. I'm home. When I walk in, I go, I'm a fucking dad now. You guys need to. And so what it feels like, what she might be saying, and this is what a lot of wives say, she was like, I would like some of your leadership in the raising of our children in some areas. So I know you have my back. So I feel like a team in this.

Oh, I think at that, I think, I think, I think the message was at the time because she's there and I'm here when they come home from school. And it was that period from when they get home to five o'clock when I come rolling in, that's the issue. The second part I was going to say to validate what you said was I was literally talking to a woman that I know and she was referring to the father of her child and

And she was like, you know, we're just randomly talking. And she goes, yeah, you know, I went out the other night and then he was going to watch the kid. And then she said, he looked at me and said, I'm like, I have to babysit again. And you could just see it in her face. And she was just seething with, with,

anger just vitriol and she probably didn't tell him that right but that is spot on because i saw that in real time yeah thank god nobody talked about me it was something else but yeah that's that's for real dude if yeah i had to babysit yeah for real that's that's a good sign and you're like you you got a a mixed view on how this actually works and here's the other thing dude a lot of guys don't get

And it's kind of a misnomer around the world that, you know, it's the husband and wife first and the kids come second. And I'm not saying that that's not a great way of looking at things, but I do know this. Every woman will love their kids more than they love their husband a hundred percent of the time. And the reason I know. My wife loves our pets more than she loves me. We got some cool pets. I mean, I give it up. Yeah. But here's, here's how I know that to be true is because moms divorce dads, they don't divorce kids. Right.

No. A hundred percent of the time. So it's like, I'll tell you, my kids say some shit. Sometimes she thinks about it. Yeah. The other day out of the blue, my daughter says to my wife, this was on Saturday. She says, cause you know, she, you know, look, she wanted to go hang out with her friends. She's made a new friend group. She's very excited about it. And

And she was trying to spend the night somewhere. And I was like, babe, it's mother's day tomorrow. And she made the comment, like, I don't even understand mother's day. I don't understand why we do it. She said that to my wife. My wife was so pissed. And it was, it was, it was one of those things. It was so stupid. Like I pulled my daughter in the other room and I didn't even scold her. I just looked at her. I was like, what was that?

Where did you think that was going to land? Where are you going with that? Like, what was that? Where was that really coming from? And you need to go in there and really explain to her where it came from and be wholehearted in your apology. Cause yeah,

That wasn't going to land anywhere positive. Yeah. That's the person that's actually, you need to take you where you want to go. And then you're going to say that that was a good, yeah, she would have got divorced if I hadn't intervened, I think pretty quickly. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the first dial is understanding that we don't show up for our kids because it makes her wife attracted to us. But when you don't show up for your kids, she is losing attraction for you.

Okay. Kids, check. That's number one. Number two. Number two. So that's the parenting dial. The second dial is the partnering dial. This is the best friend dial. This is treating your wife like she really is your best friend and that you know shit about her that very few people know, that you remember things about her that you don't know. And this is where Jessie, she told me straight out. She was, I feel more lonely being married to you than if I was single. Oof.

Yeah. And so how do you have a connection inside the bedroom when you don't have a connection outside the bedroom? And that this dial I found is one that is so important for a woman that she really actually believes like this. And this is going to sound so simplistic. Don't throw me off the podcast for it. I promise we'll get deeper. Dude, she just wants to know you actually fucking care about her. Yeah. And you can't fake that.

You can't fucking fake it. You can't be like showing up like...

On Friday afternoon, because you're hoping to get laid Friday night, you've got to be the guy that's just... My standard is to show up for you no matter what. And we have this phrase that says, her response does not dictate my standard. And that's the difference between those pseudo solutions and what we're talking about here is we're not doing this so that we can get blowed. Blowed. Blown. I never said blown in front of us. We're not... We're doing it because...

That's my fucking standard. My standard is I'm going to hang out with my wife because you're my best friend. I want to know you. I want to spend time with you. And so they really register as a

When he talks to me, is he just kind of, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh. Hopefully putting it, you know, logging in 15 hours downstairs, pretend like you care so that you can go upstairs and really show her how you care. Like, you know, these are the stupid games that we play with in our heads as guys, rather than realize this is a human being that you want. Every guy wants his wife to crack

open her soul and to just unleash all her femininity and all of her excitedness and all of her naughtiness onto him. Because that's what the videos they're watching on the YouTube and you porn and all this other places they're watching. I don't think it's YouTube they're watching this. Maybe not YouTube, but you porn. You whatever. And guess what? They're like, why is it my wife like that? It's like, very simple.

Your wife has her walls up because she doesn't actually trust you and feel like you can, her best friend, like you care enough to like care about. I always said, if you want the whole care about the soul.

So, okay. So narrowing this down or going a little deeper on this, is this about, is this about really interacting and saying like, how was your day? You know, what are your hopes and dreams? What are those things? Is it about being inclusive when you go places? Like one of the things that, you know, I have with my wife is like, my wife's always invited. Like, I'm like, you're always invited. Like, I don't care where I go. If I go somewhere where you ain't invited, then I probably shouldn't be there anyway. That's how I look at it.

you know, there's plenty of stuff I do with my friends that she has no interest in doing. And she said, no, but it's like, you're always in like, there's never a time when I'm like, you're never intruding. You're never, you're never right. So,

Is that this little spoke of the wheel that we're talking about here? Yes, but let me give it a little more nuance. You might have two friends. Let's say, okay, John, let's say you and I are really good buddies. I live in Vegas and you and me and our Vegas buddies, I don't know who you hang out with anymore or what have you, but it's the boys, right? And I tell you, John, bro, you're always invited.

But you're one of my best friends. I never invite you. I just want you to know you're always invited. That's not the same as getting invited. It's not the same as, dude, you're the first one I had to call when I figured out we're doing this thing tonight. I wanted you to know that, dude, I hope you can make it. That's such a good point. It's never like, yeah, of course you can go. It's I want you to go. That's very, very different. Yeah, hold on. My battery says it wants to die. Let me see if I can fix that.

I can edit. I did it. No, I figured it. I figured it out. Okay. So this energy is like best friend energy is like when you get out of it, let's say you do a psychedelic spiritual journey. Who's the first person you call? Your wife wants it to be you, her. Hey, you're not going to believe it.

I won two tickets, round trip, first class tickets to anywhere we want to go in Ireland. And the first one I thought of was you. Like that, I'm talking that, but not just how was your day, but I know you were talking to your mom today about that really serious thing she was going through. How is everything going? That is best friend energy.

Best friend energy is I go surfing with my best friend Garrett down to Costa Rica and I make I plan everything. I have everything so that we can optimize and have the best surf trip ever. And Jesse's watching me making jerseys, doing all the crazy shit I do. And she goes, I knew it was in you. Oh, shit. That means she doesn't see me do it to her, but she sees me do it. My best friend, my buddies and my book. She's like, yeah.

I'm not for nothing. I see the level that you spend and love on your friends and the thoughtfulness and the care. And in my business, my detail, you can look at my man cave. There's so much detail in this office, a dentist's office. I tore out and built this thing. It's so much detail. And she goes, I know if you really care, you're a detailed dude. You go the extra mile, you do this. And I've even experienced you this way.

But you don't really. And if she doesn't experience you enthusiastically caring about her and her emotional connection, why the hell should she care about this sexual connection that you need so bad?

See, like guys, just they have a hard time putting their shoe on the other foot. And that's where I'm coming in going, yo, dude, guys, listen, your wife wants to unleash her inner slut. She wants to moan and back. And she wants to do all the numbers. Sixty nine. Sixty eight. And I owe you one. She wants to do all of them. And she wants to do it with you. If.

You were exactly like the guy you were when she fell head over heels in love with you. And this is why, like one of my messages that I really am passionate about, John, is why I love being on people's podcasts like yours is this.

Yo, entrepreneur, I know you're building all this thing for your family. I know this is for your family. But if they don't feel like they're actually connected to you on a soul level, then they're going to have a really hard time believing that you're doing it for them or it's going to feel like it's for them. The same way if your wife came up and just was rubbing on your kneecap and kissing on your kneecap and fingering your kneecap, you'd be like,

so close but the kneecap's not going to do it today but that's what we do as guys we're like why didn't you appreciate a good kneecap rub it's like you're

You're close, but you're just a little bit off. It's not there. Okay. Third wheel, third spoke on the wheel. What is it? Producer dial, which probably a lot of guys listen to your show on producer dial. And that's just having good resources. Nobody, a woman doesn't want to be in a Corolla with cloth seats and a one bedroom apartment forever. She wants to be with the train forever.

going somewhere. She married you because she thought you were a stud. It means she, you are her type. What happens though, is that when guys don't produce the way they're hitching their wagon and saying, I believe this is a good bet. I believe John Gafford is going to be a good bet. I hope he becomes a fucking stud. I see it in him. I don't know when you and your wife met, but my, how, how, how old were you when you left? Yeah, no, no, no. Uh,

No, no, dude. I, I, I was 32 when we met, she was 33. I dated everybody and she had dated enough people that I knew I was, I know we're going to get any better when I met her. I had a pretty decent sample size. So yeah, I was smart enough to know that to lock her up. But when I get, I remember though, when I, when I met her, I had just come off the apprentice, which was great.

But we had just, you know, I had just taken a buyout out of my company and, you know, literally met her. And I was like, you know, Kendra, that one of my seasoned apprentices was like, you know, get into real estate. So I just started into real estate. I just started. And then I'm like, okay, I'm going to relocate to the other side of the earth where I have no network and no resources. I can start completely over. And, you know, when I first started, she was supporting us. I mean, she was now granted...

She had the greatest job in the world at the time. She was working four days a week, you know, at the palms from noon to eight in the blackjack pit, you know, slinging drinks with her, you know, college degree, who cares? But she was making a quarter of a million bucks working four days a week. Ben Affleck would hand her $5,000 a drink for bringing him a

diet coke when he was uh with this over sponsor yeah and there you go i mean it's just how it was in vegas but yeah so she earned that right to you know when i retired her you know not so many years later because things obviously took off in the right direction and pandy you know i was the best bet she ever made in vegas as far as what she put into it once she got out of it and uh but yeah you know she earned that that right to get retired from that aspect and like i said

She had to bet on me. She did. And I was, you know, I always, when it comes to the kids, right, like coaching my son and trying to keep it real with him and talking about, you know, the future. And it's so...

you know, it's one of the hardest things to do when you are, have some levels of success is my biggest fear is always raising worthless kids. Like that is always the biggest fear. It's like when you're, you know, he had, he had a, he had an opinion on airlines by five years old. Like,

like, whoa, why are we flying Southwest to Delta? Not fly here. Like, why are we getting on the, on the gray hound of the skies? What's going on? And you're like, oh shit, you bougie, a little bastard. You're sold. But you know, raising kids that understand and value things is always been a challenge. And even as we had this conversation last week, we were talking about it and,

You know, it's like, well, you know, I don't necessarily, you know, what, what if I, what if I don't care to be a millionaire, blah, blah. I said, buddy, let me tell you, it's not just about living in a big house and having supercars. That's not what it's about. You know, I said, you know, 50% of marriages fail in this country. I said, you know, one argument you're me and your mom have never had in 19 years. We've had arguments, but we've never once argued about money because we've never had to.

Because that's one resource that's just plentifully around. So that argument is what ends so many marriages. So keep in mind, if you...

You know, being successful financially is a great way to make sure that you can, at least in some aspects, I guess, stay happily married. Yeah. At least you're taking one thing off the table. So that I'm glad that that validates that thought. Well, but here's it is. It does validate it. But what you create, even if you're the best provider ever and that's the only thing you got going for, you're still just a 20% man because you're only one of the five dials.

And this, I get it. Yeah. But that's where I made the fucking mistake. Cause I was like, yeah, I got one job produce, protect, provide, like let's go. And then where's my blow job. I'm, I'm out. I'm busy. Like, you know, and it's like, okay, well,

Yes, but it just doesn't work that way. So I thought all I had to do was produce and provide, and I've been a great producer and a great provider. Hang on a second, Keith. I'm getting word from my producer. Yeah, we just – in two and a half years, we just hit a personal record. That's the most times the word blowjob has been used officially now on this show in one hour-long segment. So congratulations, Keith Yackey. I'm not sure if we have a belt or a trophy or something, but yes, you've officially now broken the record. So congratulations with that one, buddy. Thank you.

Okay. Hey, if any woman stuck around, I think she's going to be like, you know what? I like this guy. I think the women like me, man. Okay. There we go. So they want to know that they're provided for and they should be. That is our masculine job and role.

And some guys either a suck at this. So they're like their wives just look at them as not a leader and kind of a loser. That's number one. That that's not going to that's not going to get her excited to be with you. And then secondly, a lot of guys, though, this is where I fell into and probably maybe you or guys like you and the guys listen to this would fall into. And that is that.

we become kind of workaholics and we find all of our identity and all of who we are in making money. And sometimes we do that to the neglect of our family. And so we go, Hey, I'm doing this for them.

And then their wife's like, yeah, but you're never around. So I don't know. Maybe let's be less rich and more in love. How does that sound? But a guy doesn't go, yeah, I want that. He's like, no, I want to be more rich and more in love and more rift and more of this. And we like that type of thing. So it's this, you got to be driven and ambitious or else she's not going to hang around. That's the third dot. You know, I always, I always preach.

to not self-identify with what you do, 'cause what you do could potentially change voluntarily or in some cases involuntarily several times throughout your life. And if that becomes what you tie your ego to is identifying through what you do and not who you are, it becomes a real problem.

So I love that you just said that because I always try to identify and focus first on being a great father, a great husband, a great person before I am any of the other stuff that anybody says. It's probably why you're successful too. It's funny. Like when I go to networking events, like, you know what, like, I love this, how to really fuck with people at networking events. This is great. This is one of my favorite things to do. When, uh, when, when I meet somebody in networking event, I always ask the same question.

Say, oh, tell me about you. And then they'll be like, oh, I'm the CFO of so-and-so corporation. We're a tech startup that's going to disrupt and blah, blah. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't give a shit about that. Tell me about you. Where are you from? Do you have a wife? Do you have kids? And it's amazing how many people have to look for that answer. Like you see the eyes dart to the left and they're thinking. You can see them thinking on their feet like it's...

I don't know this. And I'm thinking, man, if you don't understand that quickly and you can't rattle that off, you might want to readjust your priorities a little bit. Yeah. Because I got to tell you, I don't care how good of a business person you are. If I think you're a shithead, I don't want to do business with you. Exactly. I don't like you as a human. I have no interest in being around you if I don't like you as a person. Dude, same, man. And that's really all you and I have had exposure and experience with each other. Remember at the hockey game is where I met you in Bradstreet? Yeah.

And then pretty much around Brad, I think is every time we've seen her or events or stuff, but I've just, and then I was on your, the money show, but I was more like, I just like who you are as a human. So when we were talking, it's like a hundred percent, let's go. And this would be great. So it's more of a human decision than anything, dude. It's you're right about that. Yep. I love that. Okay. Onto the next spoke on the wheel. What's next? Fourth dial is the player dial.

And this is the one where guys start to really go downhill. So if we take the other three dials and rate ourself on a one out of 10, how good of a parent I am? A lot of guys like, ah, seven, eight, nine, some of them are a little better. How good of a partner are you? Based on the parameters that I've given some guys were like seven or eight and they're like, ah, maybe five or six. I don't know. Somewhere in there.

How are you on the producer dial? Most guys we deal with, most guys you and I hang out with, we're entrepreneurs. We hang out with entrepreneurs. For everybody else, they're a nine or a 10. They might say they're lower than that because they know where they're going. So they're like, fuck, I'm only 40% there. Like, bro, you're fucking killing it. But you know what I mean? So you can kind of rate yourself on those things. These next two dials are the ones that most, the numbers tank dramatically. And it's this one, it's called the player dial.

And the player dial is the dial of having fun with your wife, creating an atmosphere and a life of fun. It's not having the dad bod. It's like if you got married at 185 pounds, 9% body fat, tiger meat wrapped in barbed wire, then don't ever let yourself go or get back to it. What does your dating life look like? I ask guys all the time. They're like, dude, if I could get my dating back or my sex life back when I was dating...

I'd be so happy. I go, cool. Well, then what's the dating life like? Well, it doesn't, it's not so good. It was like, do you think there's any correlation, my guy? Like there is because dating isn't just an action. It's not just a thing we go do. It's who you are, man. When you first started dating your girl, probably the same way I started dating my, I think my second date with Jesse was like, Hey man, I wasn't feeling very good. She wanted to come over and we walked over to the store and got some Sudafed together. And it was a date. Like, you know what I mean? Like it was like everything you did,

was fun as shit. Everything was a date. Hey, you want to just go here? Yeah, it's a date. Cool. Let's go. But what I've noticed is when guys really, the pressures of business and kids and all this other stuff going on, they forget to actually like really genuinely date their wife as if they were excited to go pick a spot, get a babysitter, go to the thing. And I just go, if you think you're good at dating or not good at dating, here's one very quick test to tell you.

Okay, what is it? Imagine you're single right now, instantly single. And the hot chick from high school who you wanted to bang shows up in your DMs and she's still just as hot and as lovely as ever. And she's like, "Oh my God, looks like life is treating you well. We should catch up." And you're like, "Perfect, we'll connect, it's a date."

where would you take her? How would you dress? What effort would you put in? What would you do to get ready for this beautiful thing? My guess is you'd put a ton of effort in. You wouldn't be showing up all like, oh, sorry, I forgot. No, dude, you'd be on your A game. Why? Because you want to get laid.

So if you know in the dating world, you've got to be on your A game to actually get laid and to bring out this lady who wants to be there and wants you, why would you take away the same thing once you got married? You need it even more now. And so guys, you're like, hey, when's the last time you took your wife on a date? It's like, oh, dude, we went to Home Depot and picked up some parts for the house and swing through Chick-fil-A and it was a good date. It's like, my guy.

this is why you're not getting more ass in the toilet seat is because you're acting like this. I got to tell you. So I would say that part of that too, is probably just having swag in general. Right. Cause like back when me and the wife got to, we got together, you know, dude, I had more game than Parker brother. So obviously if you look at my wife, you look at me, I win. Right. I'm totally winning. Right. But,

Here's the thing. Like I find myself now, I find myself now and it's so funny, right? I tell my wife this all the time. I do. I probably shouldn't tell her this, but I tell her I'm like, I'm like, dude, if we got divorced or something happened to you, I'd be completely screwed. Cause I'm like, now I do. I went from always knowing what to say and having the Mr. Smooth and blah, blah, blah. To now you put me in a social situation. Even if I have to talk casually to,

to a relatively attractive woman in a, in a, just a normal environment that I'm just have to deal with this person. It is a social environment, not business. Like say it's an event and you know, they're all out of the club later and blah, blah, blah. And you'd wind up at a table and you're sitting there and there just happens to be a woman you're just talking to or whatever. And it's not going to go anywhere. You're not trying to do anything, dude. I am like fucking Ricky Bobby in that first interview. Now I'm like, I don't know what to do. I don't like, I, I,

I have no clue what to say. I have no, I can't like, I have zero ability to talk to people.

Anyway, like, like you can't even like, cause I think even in business or whatever, sometimes you still have to use that like flirtatious vibe. Sometimes I get things done. Don't meet too many people. That's not what I meant. But what I'm saying is like, dude, it's so beyond me now. Cause it's just that, that, that tool is so rusty in the back of the shed and it probably needs to get out and get shined up. Not for the cocktail party people.

But for my wife, who probably needs to hear a little, little mad game dropped on her other than, you know, other than the, I think international language for married people is smack you on the ass when you walk by. Is that, is that pretty much national? I mean, I think like if my wife walked by me and I didn't smack her on the ass, she knows something's wrong. Right. I mean, I agree with that. Do you disagree with that?

I think that for some couples, the little tap on the ass is a sweet reminder of how much we love you. I think there's a lot of guys that when they tap their wife on the ass, they're

their wife goes and looks away and like, stop doing that and hates it. And it's because she doesn't want them to be in touch by that guy. So yeah, your wife loves you, dude, but you're showing up and you care. Like you can tell that you care about your family. You care about your kids and you care about your wife. You know what I mean? It's just obvious when you meet somebody, but there's a lot of guys that don't get this part of the piece. And it's like, dude, man, Cindy Lopper,

To quote the great American poet, Cindy Lauper, she said it best, dude, girls just want to have fun. Yeah, man. And you don't have to be a standup comedian to make them laugh and to have fun. She already thought you were fun. That's why she went on a date with you. That's why she married you. This is why I'm saying like, dude, she's your type. You're her type. You,

You've just either stopped doing attractive things or started doing unattractive things. And the same chemical that got her excited to text you in the beginning has all drained out of her. I'm dude, I'm here to tell you, bro, like Jesse and I, it's been almost 12 and a half years for us.

Our sex is better now and it keeps getting better. I think honeymoon sex is for, uh, for minor leaguers. Our soul sex gets better and better. Not every single time, but we are in seasons where it's just like better and better. Our dating is more fun. Our hanging out and our conversations are way more real and better than they've ever been. For me, after 12 and a half years, a couple of bumps, that's why we traded Mary game. Yeah.

if i don't have those i don't understand this but now we're creating the to where i don't i don't see and this isn't me bragging it's just me being honest i don't look and go

I wonder how they do it. I wonder how they do it. I don't meet people like that. I go, I know how I do it. I know how to get my wife really fucking into me. And it's by me being playful and understanding how she operates. What's her love language? Dude, her, if I do an act of service for her, like my job isn't the dishes in our house.

Yeah. But every once in a while, I'll just open up the dishwasher and empty it or fill it or do it and just take it off of her plate. Just the same reason I would buy a pool stick for my best friend that's getting in the pool and be like, dude, I bought you this so that you can not suck so bad or whatever. It's the same thing.

is I'm just doing this because I know it means something to you and I want you to know you mean something to me. Do you know what I mean? I know. I do a lot of that too, but jokingly and funnily or with jest every time I do something around the house.

I inform her how many gold stars I should receive because of this act of service that I've done. I picked my shoes up and I put them away. That's what a gold star. She's like, no, it's not a gold star. I guess it is. Yes, that's a gold star. So yes, but no, I agree. You should probably just do things. And I do do a lot of that stuff, which is good. What is my fifth spoke? This one. Bring it home, Keith. Bring it home. This is the one. The fifth dial is the power dial.

This one's going to be funny based on what you just said. So most men don't do things because it's why they do them. They do it because they've gotten, and I'm not saying you're in this situation. You're not in this situation. No, no, no. But for men to be aware. I might be. I don't doubt it. A lot of guys stick themselves in what we call the mom matrix. Okay.

And the mom matrix, and this is how I say it, we're looking for a cookie or a nookie or a gold star. That's why it's funny because you said gold star. So a lot of guys will do stuff simply just to be like, hey, I did this because they, but the energy is like, are you proud of me, mom? Did I do this right? And she's like, yeah, good job. The reason why the mom matrix is so, such a problem. And, and, and dude, I've said this before, so I'm not making fun of anybody but myself, but I've said shit like, they're like, how many kids do you have? I go,

I got four. My wife has five. You know what I mean? And it's a joke, except it's not really that not for them. It's not that funny because first of all, moms don't want to have sex with their kids. So, and second of all, it makes a man lose his actual power of who he is as the leader. He's not doing things so that there's someone that can be like, wow, you're so awesome. He's doing it because he's,

That's the standard. And that is the energy of what everything is. If I'm the problem, I'm the solution. Her response does not dictate my standard. Become the most attractive version of me for me. So, dude, like for me, when I look at personal development, I'm not doing it so that Jesse...

pass me on the back and I don't get butthurt if she doesn't notice. Other ways we can talk, we'll see that guy is out of his power and out of his leadership role in the family is when if he asked for sex or first of all, if he just stops asking for sex because he's so afraid of being rejected because he's been rejected so much, that is a painful spot. I've been there before and it fucking eats away at your soul as a man, first and foremost. But then what's even worse is when he becomes the pouty little B when he does get rejected.

Like there's never been a woman that watched her husband get pouty and passive aggressive and was like, you unlocked me. Get over here. I am so excited. No, she looks and goes, this poor man has no idea how to lead me to Paradise Island. And now he's making fun of me for me not wanting to go there. That's what it looks like to them.

So dude, this is this. And, but the real thing about the power, like true power is doing what you say when you say you're going to do it without fault, like really just nailing. He,

keeping your word to yourself and to others. And a lot of wives watch their men go, this is the year I'm going to get in shape. And then he's not, this is the year I'm going to blow up my business. Then they don't, this is the year I'm going to, and they don't. And so the, what happens is the wife's trust in this man and his word goes down. And when the trust goes down, the lust goes down.

Well, I think, I think that's, you know, I think stop talking and start doing as good advice for any aspect of your life. Like nobody wants to hear you talk about what you're going to do. Nobody cares. Yeah. I find, you know, it's funny cause I'm one of those people too that is really, when I come up with an idea or I have something that's in the works and the wheels are working, I love to talk about it. And I catch myself so often just saying, I don't know if I could talk about it cause it hasn't happened yet. Yeah. It hasn't happened. I can't talk. I want to talk about it, but it hasn't happened yet.

um because yeah you never want to just be seen as a big talker in any aspect of your life but really erode the trust for these women like can i give you a really quick example but i want to hear what you have to say man yeah okay so we move into this beautiful home like four or five years ago and it's it's awesome and jessie's like dude will you hang these pictures here and put this stuff here i go no problem two weeks go by i hadn't hung the pictures

say yo can you do that like oh dude 100 100 just been real busy you know blah blah blah two another two weeks goes by can you do this oh my god i'm so yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's it's not that she didn't feel that i was sorry for not doing it it's just that she couldn't trust that if i said i was going to do something i would do it or hey i would be home at 5 15 every night and every night it's 5 27 5 32 oh you're not gonna be how busy i was but look and all it is is it's not

Whether you're late or not, it's that you said you were going to be here at a time and you weren't. And when you say stuff and I can't trust, it's like if you walk up over this huge valley and you see this old rope rickety bridge, you're going to test to see, is this thing going to hold me up? And so, dude, these women, they test us and we fail these tests.

And they go, I can't trust this guy. People test what they want to trust. And when they test us by giving us a little bit of pushback and a guy starts acting all passive aggressive, she goes, damn, I thought this was my leader that could handle anything. And yet now he's looking to me for leadership. And this is most guys, John, myself included for a long time. It's like,

I hope my wife figures this out. Figures what out? Her not trusting you and not wanting to follow your lead because you don't actually do what you say you're going to do. No one's ever going to figure that out. We've been taught to not figure that out. That's your fucking problem, not hers. How do you overcome? Because here's the question. Because how do you overcome this? Because I think if there's any, if I have any issue, right? It's my kids are fucking,

fucking busy, right? They always got something they got to do. They're going here, they're going there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They got stuff and she is all full time on them. So how do you, I think a lot of guys probably struggle with this and I have in the past where like almost you're like, dude, I am so second fiddle to these kids. Like,

Like, I feel like I am just so far down the ladder of importance from the attention that these kids get or the kids, our kids, whatever, not the kids. I don't have to babysit. They're my kids. But how, so how do you overcome that? We affectionately call kids in married game cock blocks because that's exactly what they are. We have to, you learn how to, you have to learn how to overcome, but they are cock blocks. I mean, they do need a time and attention and feeding and care and, and, and clothes and laundry and school and all this shit. Right. Right.

So here's the same way she would approach you. Hey, yo, John. Hey man, I feel like I'm not a priority to you because you're working so much and you're barely here. It's the same. And you would be like, dude, that sucks. I don't want you to feel that way. You could approach it the same way and go, listen, I've taken on the commerce role to keep the money flowing in. And because of that, you've taken on the kids role. So we both have jobs.

Let's make sure our job isn't over consuming as to where we're not being able to spend the time to connect with each other. Usually with that frame, it helps a wife go, oh man, that is. And then you, and then here's real thing is the insistence on you carving out the time with her and you guys sitting down and be like, this is our time. This is our time. This is our time. If the kids need a taxi service at that point, tell them to fucking figure it out. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Well, no, it's so funny, man, because I think like the book, The Four Agreements, the one that I probably in some cases have the worst. And I think a lot of people do. The hardest time with is don't assume anything. And I think what it is, is, you know, something happens and you start telling yourself a story about why it happened. And then, you know, you start, well, this is why, and then this is why, and then this is why, and this is why. When, like you just said, all it would take is a two second conversation to probably just nip it in the bud anyway. Yeah.

How many of these problems do you find can just be cured with quick, quick? Because I think, again, too many married couples let things sit for way too long. And it's like, I mean, any man that's ever argued with a woman, it's like, dude, what? What are you talking? 1979. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't remember what happened six weeks ago, let alone six years ago. What? I don't know what you're talking about. But I think that.

I think that having quick, concise, direct conversation rather than letting a problem get bigger in your own mind can solve a lot of things. Agree with that? Yeah. But I think the problem, the real problem, why it happens is usually man's defensiveness.

Because we can do nothing wrong because we're perfect, damn it. We're perfect, Keith. You're damn right we are. You're fucking damn right we are. And once they realize it, the world will be good. So that's married game. Realize you're perfect and let her know it. No. That's it. That's it. It is. There are quick energetic shifts that a man can make. And when she feels that this dude has giver energy.

And giver energy is only experienced when a man truly treats everybody like they're his house guests for no other reason than that brings him joy, not so that he can get anything out of it. That's the essence of giver energy. When he shows up to his wife with real giver energy, dude,

She will have any conversation you want to have, but she also needs to be able to share her truth without you going. That's not right. That's not true. Imagine every time you share something with your wife about how you feel. She said, that's not right. That's not true. You're making it up in your head. You'd be like, guess what?

Fuck you. And I'm done talking to you. Exactly. I'm done talking to you. But that's what almost every guy does. He goes, she goes, I just feel like you're alone. But you're not alone. I'm here all the time. So you're like, oh, so you don't know how to listen and validate anything she said. And anything she does say, you have a quick defensive answer. Well, no wonder she's all closed up. Nobody's bringing their inner slut out in that conversation. Nobody. Probably not. Yeah.

Probably not. Well, dude, if they want to find you, learn more about Married Game, how do they find you? The best place to go would be marriedgame.com because that's where I've got videos and all sorts of stuff where I really dive deep on this. But another great spot is my website, keithyacky.com. It kind of explains everything I do there. It has all the Married Game stuff and lots of videos and reels and all sorts of stuff. But if they're on social media, which a lot of people are, the best one is Instagram at keithyacky.

Yep. And you do coaching, you do retreats, you do all of this stuff, correct? I just work with dudes and they come through our married game program. That's the entry to everything because that's where we get to the core of who the man is because it's not even things I'm teaching to like what to say. I'm showing men who to become so that in any situation,

They know how to pass her test because she's going to lean on you. She wants to make sure you're the tree that doesn't fall over so she can dance under the shade of your branches. She wants to know. And here's the other thing, John, every fucking wife out there is rooting for their husband to get it.

They don't want to get a divorce. They don't want to be married to some boring ass dude that's now got a dad bod. And okay, you got a great 401k and a retirement plan. Who fucking cares, dude? I'm bored as shit. And I'm 38 is what wives are thinking. I can go get anybody with the money because I got, I'm beautiful, but I want a connection with a real human being so I can have my brain stimulated. So it gets my heart going and my panties wet. That's married gay.

You want to throw one more blowjob in before we get done? You just toss one and just say. If you're wanting blowjobs on taps and push button pussy, go to marygame.com. And that's it, guys. On that note, we will wrap up this week, this episode of Escaping the Drift. And remember, man, if you're out there, and in this case, with your relationship, man, if you're just drifting along with the currents of life and not swimming, you're not going to be able to escape the drift.

against the current for the sake of you and your spouse. You've got to start doing something. We'll see you next week.

What's up, everybody? Thanks for joining us for another episode of Escaping the Drift. Hope you got a bunch out of it, or at least as much as I did out of it. Anyway, if you want to learn more about the show, you can always go over to escapingthedrift.com. You can join our mailing list. But do me a favor, if you wouldn't mind, throw up that five-star review, give us a share, do something, man. We're here for you. Hopefully, you'll be here for us. But anyway, in the meantime, we will see you at the next episode.