How to Win Friends and Stop Being a Blowhard EP 23
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From the art of the deal to keeping it real. Live from the Simply Vegas studios, it's The Power Move with Jon Gafford.

Back again, back again, back again for another episode of the Power Move. Sorry, we got a little bit of a late start. I'm John Gafford. I'm your host. With me, as always, Green Bubble Amidon. Colt, Green Bubble Amidon. Green Bubble? Green Bubble Amidon.

And Chris Connell, counselor, who finally got in the chair after he was in talking to our media guy, Stu, having a debate about pyramids. So I'm like, dude, Pyramid Talk records on Thursday. It's like, not today. Hey, guys. Pyramids are amazing. What's your favorite pyramid? What's your favorite pyramid? I like the step pyramid. Let's do it. Top three pyramids. Well, we have the Red Pyramid built by Imhotep. That's it.

We have the great pyramids of the key. And then we have PXE realty. Okay. All right. Thoughts and comments of Chris Scott, Oscar do not reflect the thoughts and comments of John. We would not talk about pyramids. If you work for a PXE realty, give me a holler. Okay.

It's not really a thing. That's a good point. I think they got your point. What point? They got your point. But guys, it's funny. All views on Chris Connell are parody. Parody. Parody. Three pyramid schemes of all time. Bernie's number one. Bree X. Bree X. I don't know if you remember that, but they found plugs of gold and sold the shit of them. I'll say Nexus. Enron. Oh, Enron. It's Enron. It's Enron. Enron crushed. Yeah. Like,

Like, yeah, Enron started. WorldCom would be up there.

- Bernie Ebers really did a number on them. But Enron still, we changed how we do business. - Oh, 100%. - Yeah, we did. - We overlooked that so bad. - Madoff's was probably almost more of a pure pyramid. - Yeah, 'cause it was, yeah. - He took away-- - It was just give to me and then-- - Yeah, yeah. - That was like personal people, but Enron, corporations, everything. - Well guys, I have a fascinating show that we're gonna talk about today because I had a self-realization this weekend not to go, I mean, obviously that was a great opening, but we're gonna get a little serious here for a second.

Because, you know, man, I think if we're not being honest here, then what are we doing? So the goal here with the show, obviously, is to educate and entertain. But also, I think we got to be honest as we go through this. So me and the wife are sitting home this weekend and we're kind of flipping through and we're seeing people at all these different parties and seeing people at different events. And it kind of kind of rang true. We're like, we don't get invited to a lot of stuff.

We don't get it. We just don't. And, uh, this is, this is not a feel sorry. I'm not looking for, for Claire. I don't get invited to a lot of stuff. And, uh, we as a group don't get about it. So we're sitting out in front, uh, handing out candy because our kids don't even want to hang out. I'll say more. They went off their friends. So we're sitting out front doing the, Oh, look at you, your little cute goblin and goal, whatever it is. And,

As we're looking at it, as we're looking, no, I think, I think we had some wine and I think that's where we were. And, uh, and yeah, but we're sitting out front watching this and we start, you know, whenever there's an issue in my life, I like to pull the thumb instead of point the finger. I don't, I don't, I always like to go self, you know, introspective on things. And I started kind of thinking about me in general and, and, and she was talking about her and we were kind of going through and I realized something.

And here's what it is. For most of the time, I kind of exist in a little bubble. Here in my little Simply Vegas world, I know all my Simply Vegas folks. We have all our Simply Vegas family. I have that little bubble that exists, right? There's my little bubble. But then, you know, I go out and I try to meet new people. And I realized that I have a problem.

Here's my problem. No, no, no. Here's my problem. And this is dead. This is dead serious, which is I have become an incredible blowhard. Here's what I mean by that. And what I mean by that is I have I it is a it is a it is a defensive action. It is a reflex that I have.

that for some reason, innately, and I don't do it consciously, but I've decided that I need to justify why people should like me by throwing out a bunch of bullshit. And it's not bullshit, it's like, but I find myself trying to work things I have into the conversation, people I know into the conversation, life experience about the conversation, I find myself trying to work that shit in, and I think it's incredibly transparent to other people.

I think people probably sometimes walk away from me like, "Ah, fucking guy. "He's just too much to say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I actually said on an episode not too long ago, I have a tendency to dominate a conversation. That's a problem. And so I've got that on one side of it, like with me and my wife as a couple,

And then I got my wife who's very reserved. She's very introverted. She's not a very outgoing person. But my wife is- I feel like this is an intervention I'm about to be personally- No, you're not. No, you're not. Hey, man, you deal with your own demons. No, no, no. Is this about me, John? No, you deal with your own demons. I'm just telling you what I got to with myself is what I got to. I'm kidding. So I'm talking to my wife and I'm like, you know, you need to-

you know i'm not saying she's saying i need to do this because my wife is very attractive and and again that's not a blowhard thing she is it's obvious but when you're introverted and you're attractive it's bitch it's what she kind of gets sometimes because she's like i don't understand like like we have friend sets in other parts of the world where i have i have a lot of friends in like guy sets and like the wives are maybe nice to her but not really you know what i mean they don't really let her into that you don't feel like you're in the click right yeah

You don't feel like you're getting in the click. And the point, hang on, hear me all the way out. So we kind of decided jointly as a couple when we're out, I need to turn it way down and she needs to turn it way up. So we balance each other out somewhere in the middle. And

And part of that little exploration as we had this conversation, because me and my wife are very honest with each other, and we went through this. I'm like, you know, we need to revisit Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. That is the Bible for this problem. I mean, if you are having a problem where you feel like you're not connecting with people, people aren't connecting with you, read this book. So what I wanted to do today is I wanted to run through some highlights from it.

And you talk about them, but you're dying to say something. Oh, yeah. No, because I find it's so funny. I've brought up a couple of things. First off, absolutely. Dale Kearney. Phenomenal. Amazing. But I was actually thinking about this the other day as well, about you and Gidget. Yeah. No, go ahead. Judge away. Dude, I put myself on the platter. Judge away. But there's a lot of times when Caitlin and I would be like, well, we'd invite John and Gidget. But you also don't want to be like constantly bothering people. Yeah.

So sometimes you may be being a little hard on yourself. No, no, no, no. Well, no, no, no. I find myself doing that. But I also told Gidget, part of the conversation was, I also think people just assume we're always busy. I think people assume you're busy more than people don't want you there. No, no, no. I agree. Here's why I know this. I love self-awareness, but sometimes- No, no, no.

Well, the group that's making me most self-aware to this is now recently, you know, starting out with a bunch of different entrepreneurs are high level guys. And with that group, I have found myself really justifying my existence in those groups more, way more than I should. I shouldn't have to. Okay. So yeah, maybe in that isolated instant, it's not a matter of, okay. Cause that, that makes sense to what you're saying, but that's a self-selection bias thing. That's like, I would like to be around like-minded people who are doing certain things. Cause we've talked about this before, right?

You can hang out with the guy from your hometown who wants to sit at the bar and bullshit about the same old stories. Okay. That's not, if you're saying that we don't get invited, maybe it's because those people don't feel comfort, whatever it is. But,

what you're kind of almost saying like gidget should bring it up and i'm going to bring it down is like tom brady's out there throwing uh you know touchdown so maybe bill belichick should come no no no no no no like if that's her strength if that's who she is no no no no no it's not it's it's not that it's just it's a fact of of we we've got to work better as a unit to to to include ourselves because here's the thing as you go through this and we can jump right into it because i'm just going to run really again if you don't have an app in your phone um

Again, not sponsored by them, but great app. I literally am on this every single day. What I use it for is if somebody mentions a book, I can go in here. I've got like the synopsis of it. I can do 20 minute quick read. If I really enjoy what I read, then I'll go make the investment in the book and I'll read the whole thing.

But, you know, it's also good for books that you have read if you need a quick refresher. Some of them, like a textbook, they have these little tiles, which are great, right? They work great. And you can just kind of go through the tiles of how it works. So I wanted to kind of burn through this in the next hour and see how much we can. And hopefully, man, if you're struggling with some of this stuff, you know, again, I think, you know, pull the finger or pull the thumb instead of point the fingers is a great piece of advice that you can start with. So that's what I've done. So number one.

three fundamental principles to keep in mind when dealing with others especially when your aim is to win them over and influence them positively first never criticize condemn or complain i thought this was interesting because here's the thing the most likable person you know all right think about the most likable person you kind of know do you ever hear a about anything not at all they never nope and what do i do i come on here i look right in camera one and what do i say

Screw you Chili's Salt Lake City. It's towing my car every week. That's what I do. I come in here and I complain. And I'm not a big complainer, but I probably complain more than I should. Well, there's types of complaining.

There's just being what we call dysthymic. If you suffer from, if you're lugubrious as a personality. Okay, that was a straight. That was like, look how much I can squat. Yeah, that was just lugubrious. That was straight up, oh, look how much I can bench. No, no, no. That was ridiculous. So there was this book by Benjamin Hoff wrote this book called The Tao of Poo and the Day of Piglet. And it's Buddhism through Winnie the Pooh characters. And one of the descriptions was this character, Eeyore,

Right? He's like, hey, it's a sunny day out. Yeah, but it's not as sunny as it could be. Nobody wants to hang out with Eeyore. Yeah. Okay? Nobody also wants to be around Tigger all the time where it's like, go, go, go. Yeah. But Eeyore is not the guy or lady who you want to be around because it does kind of darken up your soul a little bit. It does. You...

Tigger going all over the place. You'll get invited once in a while if you're a Tigger, right? Because everybody needs that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you'll never get invited as Eeyore. Maybe I am. Or you hang out with other Eeyores. Yeah, and I'm an introvert. So I sit around and I'll drink by myself a lot of times. And people think that is by myself every night. No, but people always sit there like, why didn't you invite me? Why didn't you invite me? And they think I'm too good for people, which I'm not.

I'm just an introvert, and I'm with John. I don't get invited to a lot of stuff. No, but I think also, and this is a place where probably it talks about criticism. It says, "...the subjects of our criticism will instinctively self-defend the moment we criticize them. When people are defensive, it becomes harder to break through their barriers and convince them of our perspective. Moreover, criticism acts like an invisible boomerang in the sense that it returns to the thrower's head."

Yeah, that one story in that book about the guy, they're arguing about a Shakespeare quote. This guy goes, oh, this was from Othello. And the guy goes, no, it was Romeo and Juliet. And he's arguing, and he goes up to the guy. It was the Bible or Romeo and Juliet or something. And Carnegie uses an example. Shakespeare wrote the Bible? It was some historical book. It was talking about the author. Who said this quote? This was before Google. So this guy was writing an argument.

And Carnegie goes up to the other guy and agrees with the guy he's arguing with. The guy goes away thrilled. Ha ha, I won. So he walks away with good feelings. That argument doesn't mean jack shit anymore to him. No. Because he walked away, even though he's wrong. Yeah, it doesn't matter. He saved face, preserved his character. Well, that's like a meme that's going around now. It's like, dude, I'm in a place in my life where you want to tell me two plus two equals five. I'm like, you're exactly right. Have a great day. And so Carnegie says to the guy, he goes, well, you know that was from Othello. He goes, yeah, and so do you. So why are you arguing with him about it?

Yeah. Who cares? All you're going to do, even when you win, you lose. I say that every time. Well, talk about even customers. Never won an argument. The prize of winning an argument with a customer is losing a customer. So that's what we always say. But again, talking about, you know, if you're in a situation where you have to criticize someone or have to give them a critique of whatever, it talks about coming from a place of encouragement, compassion, rather than exposing an objection. The spirit of the comments is the key. Sure.

That's finesse though. Yeah, it is. And unfortunately the job that I'm in, you know, sometimes I have to critique people. I have to critique the job that they're doing. I have to tell them about those things and we have to try to make it better. And I think in the work environment, I do do a pretty good job of that, which I think is good. All right. If you, if you, if you show them the way to do it without criticism, say, this is what I found works for me. You know, if you do it from a place of empathy, as opposed to your beat, your actions aren't good, right? You need to change them. You need, if you're looking out to try to, well,

There's times I'm like, what do you think of this, John? Because I know John will give me an honest answer. Like, no, that's stupid, right? Okay, real quick. That skirt was way too short for you. Just like today. Everybody's giving crap for my pants, right? And I sit there. But if I was truly going to a business meeting,

appointment looking like a fool, I would hope somebody would tell me that. Because it comes from a good place. But again, it talks about this. It says, indeed, there's always something to say in appraisal of an other. However, it is good to remember that there's always something to be said in appraisal of you as well. Well, that's why you use I statements instead of you statements. I think that's a big Stephen Covey thing. Mm-hmm.

Never say something. You did this. You say, I feel like this happened. The way I feel about what happened is because you're always entitled to your feelings, right? So if you say, I feel like this could be improved on, you will avoid that harsh kind of Carnegie-esque criticism. Well, okay. Well, this is something that I probably, I don't know, in my inner circle, probably I do a good job of in my outer circle, probably not so well, which is the second principle is to let people know how valuable you think they are.

Plot regularly. This simple principle can have tremendous effects. After all, we all instinctively and unquenchably desire to know we are valued. Absolutely. I think that's great. And I think in some cases, I think, you know, that's kind of the thing, like with some of the groups that I've joined recently, you know, there's this line and it's a weird line. And I don't know how to describe it, but there's a line where you go from being in the inner circle or you're somebody that they're selling to.

You know what I'm saying? And I have people that I have made friends with where I know what side of the line that I'm on. And then there's people where I'm kind of blurry with the line. So I think that if they are genuinely important to me for more than just what they can do, but like I genuinely want them as part of my circle, I think I need to vocalize that better to these people in a way that's genuine and has nothing to do with what

Because some of these people, they can't really honestly do anything for me. I just think they're super interesting folks. I want them in my circle. Yeah, no, no. It's hard as a man, though. Because men are emotionally crippled a lot of times. I can only speak from the perspective of men. But I know a lot of guys that really mean well. And once you get to know them, they'll be like, hey, love you, buddy. Yeah. And you can kind of crack them a little bit, right? Yeah, yeah. Where they will open up. It's never been a huge thing for me because I wasn't raised with this hyper, man, you got to be hard, hard, hard.

But friends will... Well, you're Canadian. You can't be. I'm literally something too. Yeah. Because, you know, how guys show their affection for each other is by calling each other horrible names. That's what guys do, right? And it is toxic. There's a certain amount of that, what they call toxic masculinity, where I understand...

But getting through that, you know, takes some amount of courage to take up some of those leads with people. Like we grew up Italian. Like my grandpa would come in and give me a kiss. My dad would give me a kiss. You vocalize, I love you, whatever. Yeah, I like that. And people would be sitting there like, your grandpa just kissed you, yeah? It's like, go tell him that you think that's weird. See what he does, right? I didn't grow up in the I love you household.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm proud to say that I'm currently living in the, I love you household, but I did not grow up in the, that's a great, great chain to break. Right. It was, I love, I love that. Yeah. I did not grow up that household, but I am living in that household now. Thanks to my wife. God bless her. That's great. Yeah. God bless her.

Affirming the good in others should not be confused with flattery. Affirmation in contrast to flattery requires genuine concern. Flattery is cheap and an empty praise. We should say things we, uh, sorry. We say things we think we should say when we're actually living on autopilot and people who are inauthentic with compliments. You can, you can see through that shit a mile away. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah, no, no, I'm sure people like you, you,

everybody's dated a girl that throws I love you out so quick, right? Like, all right, well, you don't really mean that, right? It's like drinking Stella beer in Egypt. You know, you think you're drinking, but you're just getting full. You think you're getting it, but you're not getting it.

You're not getting in there. That's it. So the third principle is that no communication strategy garners influence until it connects with people at their core. In other words, focus on what the other person wants. This is the universal truth, whether we are dealing with a child or hundreds of employees. Again, this is something that even it's funny as I talked to my son about it in college.

I am probably guilty of this because there's things in my life, I think, that I get very excited about. Like, dude, how many times? Honestly, honestly. All right? Because I've been ruthless with this, and it was a stretch to get there. But even for the last three weeks, I'm finding my ways. Like, how do I find the roadmap to show people the mummy videos on my phone? Like, okay, we're starting at...

I'm going to go get some milk from the quick stop. And I'm like, okay, I'm like, how do I figure out the 12 degrees to get to the money? And I found myself not even like listening to what they're doing. I'm playing this emotional chess game to kind of get to what I want to talk about. And I think that's, that's a bad,

habit that i got i think you're right i think you're right but sometimes when you're just so goddamn excited about something i know you want to do it and it's like well but here's the thing but here's my challenge i always have something i'm so goddamn excited about i always do i don't know but sometimes that doesn't bother me here's the thing i'm i'm like a large guy too i have a loud voice people probably say i dominate conversations too so other people like me don't don't bother me yeah sometimes sometimes people see them their shadow selves

Right. They say for every, think of who, who was that? Someone says, think of the person you find the most annoying. And that is the person you fear of yourself. Oh, absolutely. Right. That's what, that's kind of one of those things. Think of the person that really gets in your nerves or that you don't want to be around. And that is your own, you know, mirrored reflection of who you think you are at your worst. So you know what I mean? Oh, that loud fucking big. Yeah. Asshole voice at the party. Like that's your internal self-reflection too. Right. Yeah.

In the shadow. Yeah. Right now, everybody in their car is like, who is that, man? Who would that be? Oh, my God. I'm that guy? I'm that guy? I hate that guy. You don't like him yourself. Yeah. Right? No, there's things that, and you'll run into something. You're like, fuck, I do that. I know. That goddamn annoying. Damn it. I need to stop that. You ever watch yourself on video? Oh, 100%. I mean. Yeah. I can't. I can't watch my relationship.

Well, on his OnlyFans, he's watching himself on TV all the time. He's like, man, I got to work those abs in a little better. That's just not doing it. I'm losing money, so I'm paying myself to watch. They take their fee out. Not a good thing. And that's where we are. But yeah, it says, influence requires us to put ourselves in the place of others in a matter of discerning what they truly want and offering it to them, but essentially true in business ventures.

So again, it's about really exploring the wants and needs of others. I mean, I tell people all the time, it's one of my first things that I teach. And it's funny, I teach this to all of our agents. I go, if I have a class that people have never been in front of me before, they're real estate agents, I'm always like, look, who's your favorite person? Raise your hand, tell me your favorite person. And people are like, my mom, my dad, Gandhi, whoever. And I'm like, you're all full of shit. Your favorite person is you. You look in the mirror and you're like, oh yeah, looking awesome. Today's the day. So the challenge is,

you've got to, if you really want to connect with people, you've got to, you've got to push that down and you've got to like figure out how to talk to what they talk about. My son is the worst at this. He's getting better. He's getting better. Um, but yeah, we've actually taught and I've, it's funny. I've talked to him about this where I'm like, dude,

You can't just come down and do a rapid fire about video games that none of us have played. Yeah. And to just, just not stop. And when you see us drifting away and looking over here and looking down and looking around, you gotta, you gotta understand you're losing who you're talking to. Emotional intelligence. And you've got to come back. And, and,

He's working on that and trying to find ways to connect better. I think in defense, I mean, the problem is everybody he knows, that's what they... His little friend said, that's what they all do. I mean, boys are just hammerheads until they're like 30. They really are. So let me start. I want to preface something with all of these things, John. It's interesting.

All of these desires to be better need to come from a place of authenticity. I agree. That you actually give a shit about other people. If you don't, if you're doing, some people will take these skills and abilities or these motivational people will do these things for their own benefit. How do I get better at pretending to be authentic? No, no, no, no. Well, I think for, I think for me, what it does is it's,

You know, you go through this and it's like, you know, I'm doing the book thing and you're doing this and then you're like, it all creates, you know, the whole goal for all of this and everything I want to do is a create a legacy and be help as many people as we can. The great joy that I've had in the real estate industry is not the deals that I've done. It's not the companies that we built. It's, it's the companies within the companies that have been built.

It's the agents that I've seen. I mean, guys that used to wash cars that now make over a million bucks a year. They work here. That's the work that I like. That's the thing that I'm most proud of. And so I'm like, I want to do that at scale. But then, you know, you're sitting there and you're like, oh, I'm going to write this book. But fuck, I didn't get invited to a Halloween party.

You know and i'm like if i'm not gonna get invited to a party like who wants to read a book It creates a lot of self-doubt. So I think that is really for me the motivator of a I do want to connect with more people Yeah, I do want to do that B I don't want to be a person that people look at in a negative light because there's something i'm going to come up to and I think it's super interesting There's this old saying though. What's that? That club is so busy. Nobody goes there anymore Yeah, yeah

Sometimes you got to think like, you know, we're not that close to Frank. I don't want to. No, no, no. And in fairness, in fairness, we got invited to two Halloween parties yesterday.

We just, I didn't feel that great as you can probably hear. I'm still sniffling. I didn't feel that great this weekend. We didn't go to any parties. You can probably hear my voice. Me and my wife always complain about that. And then someone invites her. And then you don't go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, that's our problem. I'm not saying that's your problem. That's honestly our problem. We get invited and then we're like. I have to drag my wife out by her. I went out three times at Halloween.

And one of them was finally her friends because Caitlin, she wouldn't go out if it was up to her. She would go to EDC. She

She'd go to Greece and go party or Ibiza. But she doesn't want to go. It's my idea to go downtown because I'll be like, hey, let's go see if John didn't want to go for dinner. She's like, well, we can't because we have this and the kids. She's more responsible because I would just get in the car and go meet you guys. Well, there's situations, and I get people grow and get married and do things like this. But, dude, there are people that are in my life that I can – I mean, without question, I can say –

Dude, their spouse cannot stand me. And that's why you don't get invited at all. And, you know, people you were close with and really interacting with, they're just off the table. And you're like, fuck, I mean, I don't care enough really about the spouse to, you know, like it would have been no problem for me to just be like cordial or not do things to upset them or whatever to like still see my friend. You know, it doesn't, it doesn't even matter. Right. It wasn't that it's.

It's not important enough for me to care to not do whatever I need to do to make them okay. I don't care. Do you think that social media has a lot to do with it too? Do you think people have a perspective on who you are? Maybe they're too... I'm afraid to... Somebody goes, I would love to have a scar with you. And I go, well, let's go do it. And they're like, really? And I go, yeah. And they're like...

Oh, I've been telling my wife for like three or four years that I would love to go have cigars with you. And people, they think I'm an asshole or something. I don't know what it was, but that was shocking. When you see people online all the time, though, you do get this false sense that you know them. There's people that I've never met that I go, oh, he's a buddy of mine. Oh, that happens to me all the time. We're friends on social media. We've been in each other all the time.

Vegas Geo. He's so cute. Give him hugs. Who are you? I got a referral from somebody I have never met, I've never spoke with, and her girlfriend got a real estate license. Her girlfriend got a real estate license and she called me today and said, oh, my friend so-and-so said you were the best company in Vegas and she has to come work there. And I'm like, great. And I just said, who's your friend? She told me your name and I'm like,

- Okay, great. - Perfect. - And I looked it up and I'm like, it's just somebody I'm friends with on social media. Never met this person, super appreciate the referral. But I think that, I think there is some familiarity to that. But I think also, part of what it does is, again, talked about branding on the last episode, your social media becomes your brand.

And with this, again, we say a lot of crazy things, but I do hope to educate as well as entertain. Because if you're not laughing at this stuff, you're not going to stick around. If we were just like, what's your favorite pyramid? What's your favorite pyramid? I like the red pyramid. No, you're not going to listen to it. I like the way that they sell stock to their agents. Stock.

Stop it right there. Sir, you have gone too far. You have gone too far. If I get dragged into any law, you have to rep me for free. Yeah, that's it. You have to represent all of us. I'm sorry. I thought I was in America. America. I'm sorry. I thought we still had freedom of opinion in America. Okay.

All right, well, let's move on. Moving on. It says the six principles to keep in mind to make lasting impressions on people first and get them to like you first. Take interest in their interest. We all yearn for significance in the lives of others, and we complicate the matter with our own selfishness. Yeah, that's your...

let me stop figuring out how to show you my, my mummy photos. And, and let me, let me really listen to what you're talking about. Photos are amazing. It's so weird. I had such, I was jealous. You guys went. And after that, when he showed me videos and stuff, I was like, Oh,

Yeah, but to people... It's pretty unique, though. But here's the thing, too, though. I have shown it to people. I've figured out the 12 degrees of how to get to the mummy video. I'm never doing it again, but I figured out the 12 degrees of mummy video, and I've shown it to people, and they've been like...

Oh, that's crazy. Okay, rule number one. If anybody ever looks at or listens to something you're saying and says, that's crazy. It's not that crazy. They could absolutely care less. They could care less of what you're saying. Hey, did you ever see the movie The Big Kahuna? No. So The Big Kahuna is Danny DeVito.

Kevin Spacey, who's canceled it. And then this other actor, I can't remember. It's about, they are lubricant salesmen. Okay. It's kind of like a Glengarry Glen Ross or whatever. It's about sales. Okay.

And Danny DeVito has this kind of monologue at the end of the movie with this young sales agent. This young sales agent, they were at a conference to sell industrial lubricants. What happened, they were trying to get to the big kahuna, the big boss for the sale, okay? And spoiler alert, this movie's 25 years old. Spoiler. But the new salesman finally gets to the big kahuna. He didn't even realize it, but he's sitting there chatting with him. He's chatting with him all day. He's...

at the fucking main guy the guy he's with the guy the the chooser the the number one decision gonna close the deal right here gonna close the deal all we needed we set up this room there's three of us here our company full of salt we're trying to get this deal and he goes you sat with the fucking kahuna what did you talk to him about he's like i talked to him about jesus he's like why why what the fuck are you we're here because that's what he wanted to talk about because that's what i wanted to talk to him about

He goes, that's more important than the business. So Kevin Spacey fucking flips out or whatever, blah, blah, blah. And Danny DeVito has this monologue that is just killer in business and in this point. And I can't remember it all so long ago, but I remember taking two points from it. He goes, whenever you're talking about, you know, you're not really actually selling it. You're just a marketer, right? You're just marketing this whole thing. Because you really want to talk to a man. You really want to talk to somebody. Ask them about their kids. Yeah. And here's why. You have fuck all to gain.

when you ask somebody about their kids. Hey John, how are your kids doing? You say, oh my kids are doing, has someone ever asked you about your kids where you go, what does this guy want? - Yeah, well dude, this goes back to my networking tips when I ask people when I'm networking and I am trying to connect with people in a business setting. When I say, oh tell me about you, and they go, oh well I'm the vice president of sales for, no, no, no, no, no, not what you do. Tell me about you. Married kids, like tell me about you, man. I wanna know about you. And they don't hear that and it makes them skip a beat and it makes you memorable.

So yeah, I agree with that. This doesn't mean we should replace our interest with the interest of others as far as being interested in what they're talking about. It means incorporating others' interests into our own for the sake of creating meaningful connections with them and not just for the sake of building an audience. So I think we can, I mean, I think that's pretty self-explanatory, but I'm trying to skip forward because there was one quote that I loved and I have an idea for an app that I want your opinion on this. And if somebody wants to make it as a simple thing.

Well, this is the second smile because, I mean, everyone gravitates towards a smile. Sure. I think probably I'm pretty good with a smile. Yeah, I think you are too, but also it's –

I went to the mall, forgot a mask yesterday. I was like, fuck, whatever. I walked in, just pissed off. I was looking really mean. They asked everybody, hey, put a mask on, put a mask on. Not one person would come up to me. It's because they're all having fun with their friends, smiling. I look like I'm going to the toilet. And it's the same thing, right? You go into a room and you look like an asshole. No one's going to want to come talk to you. Yeah, people don't bother assholes. Yeah. Nope.

The next one, very simply remember people's names. They love the sound of their names. And here I got to tell you, I got to tell you, um, in a mass network setting, I struggle here. I mean, my wife have a pretty good system. I think I've talked about it before, which is where literally everybody that I meet, um,

She will, after she meets them, she will text me their name and something about them so I can review it later. - Smart. So I was at a house party this weekend for Halloween. - Oh, that must've been lovely. - I got invited. So offhandedly, I got invited by two different groups of people. - To the same place. - To the same place. And this one person's like, "Come to this thing." I'm like, "Okay, but we didn't have a babysitter." But Caitlin's like, "Yeah, you can go."

And then another group of people invited me to the same place. I go, sounds like a place I'm going to. What's the address? Sure. Let's go to this place. Really cool party. 70s home. Like it was really wild. It was this old school party. And so the host of the party, I'd met him once before, but I really didn't know. And I thought his name was Matt.

The guy's name is Steve. I kept calling him Matt. I kept calling him Matt. I'm like, oh, hey, Matt. What's up with you? Matt, Matt, Matt. He looked me dead in the eyes and just like, hey. He didn't stop and correct me. Like I said, I don't know him. It's not like me calling you James or something. I didn't know. And I was so confident. I was so happy to remember his name. And I was using it wrong. I got home. And I'm like, yeah, Steve's wrong.

have never been so like steve first off that's embarrassing hey steve why don't somebody tell me that yeah no because he's not you know it's like we're not even friends on facebook or not whatever yeah so i added him and i'm like but you don't call it god yeah you're like steve i'm so sorry i didn't like make a thing of it but it's just it's just one of those weird things see i see i do i do make a thing yeah because i think i should yeah i think i will yeah i'm at a

I'm at, it's weird when you meet somebody and then see running them again in a completely different context and your brain doesn't put the two things together at all. So we were at Gorman, which is a private school here in Las Vegas, uh, checking it out. My eighth grader is going to go there next year. And we went to the, to the walkthrough with a bunch of other parents from his school. He's at now. They took all the eighth graders in his, in his Catholic school from here and when I'm over there.

And we went and a guy jumped up and saw me and was like, Hey man, it's like, what's up? And I, and I was like, Oh, that's at first I say to my wife, I'm like, okay, who is that? And she's like, I think that's one of your son's friends. He's his dad. Right. I think she's like, let me look up his last name. She's like, I don't know if that was him or not. I think that's his parents. Right. So like, obviously this guy knows who I am. So he starts talking to me in a different context. And the context he's talking to me in is we used to work out together. So

So I'm like, oh dude. Yeah. Hey man, how are you? Great to see it. And immediately I knew who he was. Oh, awesome. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So now I'm talking to him as my workout buddy. Right. We're talking to my workout buddy because my wife is now, I'm not blaming her, but she threw this little gooch in my head.

So at some point I go, I go, I go, uh, I go, Hey man. So is this your daughter, your son here? And he's like, looks at me like I'm crazy. He's like, it's my son. He's one of your son's best friends. You brought him to my house before. And I thought, and I can remember like dropping Hayden off at his house and seeing the dad wave. You're both. And you're both people.

And try to put that together. And I'm like, how are you two things? That doesn't make sense. So, yeah. I mean, that's a word. Yeah. That was a mistake. That happened to me. I was at the park and some ladies sitting there. There's two of you? I'm sitting double here. Four crusties. They sat there and she's like, I got your kids here, you know, waving at me. I'm like, oh, thanks. And I'm like, come here to my kid. And I'm like, let's go find mommy. And she goes, oh, she just went to the bathroom. She left the restaurant. I'm like, oh, my. Who? Who?

what are you talking about like you're talking about my wife turned out to be a girl that i've talked to all the time i know she actually listens to a podcast all the time and she's like i love the podcast i'm like oh my god i guess when you don't it's a shout out that's what i call that that was a shout out you don't even i wasn't expecting to see her at a park right if i saw her in a business setting all the time is it dunbar's number

to bring that up and you question nothing here's the loop we're back to dunbar number so there's two phenomena numbers right after dunning kruger effect i think is where it runs back in it runs right back in chris is on the loop there's a number of people it's like 150 now when you have 5 000 people in just social media right right not not here not your office not the grocery store whatever

sometimes it's overwhelming. People have to be forgiving of that too. Cause not everybody, you know, is going to naturally stand out in your mind. Well, let's, let's take a quick break. We're going to come back and talk about the rest of this. Cause man, I still haven't gotten to my thing that I thought was the most profound thing yet. And I'll be back right after the break. And we'll talk about that. Hey, it's John Gafford. If you want to catch up more and see what we're doing, you can always go to the John Gafford.com where we'll share any links that we've things we talked about on the show, as well as links to the YouTube where you can watch us live.

And if you want to catch up with me on Instagram, you can always follow me at the John Gafford. I'm here. Give me a shout. Welcome back for the break. Welcome back for the break. And if you are just joining us, we are having an in-depth discussion today about Carnegie's book, how to win friends and influence people because.

What we've decided my wife is an introvert and I'm a blowhard. It's essentially what we designed, not by design, but I guess self-realization is one of those things that can be very powerful if you actually don't wallow in it, but look to solve your problem. And let's face it, if you have an issue where you don't feel connected to enough people or you're not attracting enough people, then the answer to that question is very simple. It's it, this is the Bible. This is what it is. So,

We're jumping right back into it. It says the fourth step here is to be a good listener. Good listeners have the power to influence hearts and minds. More importantly, that they have the power to give people the most they desire.

This is the thing that I read that I was like, man, I'm really challenged with that. And the reason that I'm challenged, and I think this is going to be not just for me, but for everybody as we go along in life, we are so now accustomed to having this thing, binging, banging, bonging in our pocket every five seconds, case in point, counselor was ever looking at the phone, whatever. I'm just saying, we're so used to having this thing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. I think literally all of our screens are giving us all ADHD. I

I think they without question are. I think it's a problem. I think, you know, I was talking to my wife about that part of it, and I was like, dude, I've got to put my phone down. I've just got to put it down and be done with it for certain lengths of time and balance myself a little bit so I can get to where you really pay attention. Because when somebody's not paying attention to you, it's painfully obvious. When their eyes are drifting around, when they're looking at their watch, they're looking at their phone, they're looking out the door, they're saying, that's crazy. It's painfully obvious.

I'm married to that. Yeah, and I think that is a learned habit that I've got to figure out how to unlearn, which is good. It feels good to put away your phone. It does, but if you do your business on it, it is difficult. I've got to tell you, I was telling Gidge one of my favorite things about the Egypt trip was the fact that I just got no phone calls. Nothing. Nothing.

My business, a lot of banker hours. My business is pretty Monday through Friday other than residential. There's seven days a week, 24-7. My weekends, I feel such a relief. And I actually feel like I'm a better parent. I feel like I'm a better husband. Absolutely. Yep. Again, fifth, if we want to matter to others, we must first discuss what matters to them.

When we know their interests or whatever it is they're going through, we can truly connect with them by putting their matters at the forefront of the actions. Again, it's really the same kind of stuff. But yeah, that's the challenge. You've got to be more interested in talking to others than you are interested in talking about yourself. You also have to be interested in what they're interested in, right? You can't- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because teach me something. No, no, no, but I-

My point is if somebody is going to sit there for a half hour and talk about something that I have absolutely zero interest in, I can't fake it back to them. Yeah, but Carnegie talks about – and John just mentioned it. You have to show an interest in them and what they're interested in. Agree. And then – because eventually here's the thing. You're talking about you at some point. Right, right. Yeah.

it's not, this book doesn't just advocate, hey, go sit in a room and talk about yarn to somebody. What it is is, oh, this lady's into yarn. Hey, you know how difficult it is to learn how to stitch? That's how difficult it is to get in a fucking,

Fucking mummy hole. Here's my mummies. Here's my mummies. But you bring it into it, and I think a lot of people don't. You've got to bring in their interests. If you want them to be interested in you, you have to let them know that you're interested in them. You don't have to sit there and listen to droning horseshit. No, no, no. Because then they're forgetting the rules of carny, too. They are. But I'm going to say this. We were at dinner, and Chris asked probably one of the best dinner questions I've ever heard.

Ever. And if you want a good dinner question, here it is. You ready? Chris just looked right across the table at somebody we were with and he said, tell me the best story you got.

Tell me the best story. I want to hear it. Yeah. And I immediately was like, man, that's a great question. Cause you're thinking to yourself, I don't know who you are. I don't know what you got. You got a good story somewhere. And if it's the best story they got, they're going to get like really into telling it and how they're going to feel about that is amazing. Which brings me, I'm going to skip ahead a little bit cause I want to get this time. Cause this was the tile that really hit it for me. I mean, yes, it's all about nurturing relationships, but this is the tile that really hit it for me, which was actually, I'm going to back up a tile.

I'm going to back up one tile on what I'm looking at because it says this. It says, true influence comes from nurturing relationships with others, adding real value to their lives, and doing the most to serve them. When the time comes for us to make a request, we can rest assured there will be someone to lend a hand. This is something that I want to talk about because...

this is a great way. If you have a great relationship with somebody, you want to ruin it. There's a, this is the instant way to ruin it. I'm not guilty of this whatsoever. Um, but I have friends that are guilty of this. You only call when you need something. Oh yeah.

Dude, if you're that guy or you need a deal on something or that's the only time you're calling, dude, it's like, bro, I haven't talked to you in like six months and you're calling me for a favor? Like, if I need something from somebody else, this is something I will say I'm very good at. I always try to figure out where they are, what I can do for them,

Like, like I always want to be that when I call people most time, it's like, Hey man, I got something for you. Like I got a way that I can do something for you before I'm ever going to ask them to do something for me. Like, Hey, I can make this happen for you.

You know, is it, or do you know, and don't, don't ask people what kind of do for you. Cause then you're making them work. Just figure it out. I mean, it's not hard to figure out what people are doing and to say, look, this could be an advantage to them. If I made this happen for them, I connect these dots. So make something happen for somebody else before you ask something for them. That's a great way to demolish a relationship. I do that. Unfortunately there's, I just came, popped in my mind. I was at a wedding two weeks ago.

Great friend of mine. I haven't seen him in like a little bit. I've had kids and COVID and all this stuff. He's a doctor. You called him Matt, didn't you? No. No. He pulled this out. No, no, no. Absolutely one of my most like lovable people I ever met. You know when some people you just go, that is a fucking gem and I value you and you are a spectacular human being. And I would love to see you more. We just haven't. Yeah. But once in a while, I just remembered the last two times I've called him is because my kid was sick.

I was like, hey, does this look weird to you? Because it was genuine concern. I didn't want to rush it. And he's the kind of person in my circle, if you had a legal question, I would answer it hands down, no question. But I did realize that, yeah, the last two times I've reached out to you are to make you work. Not that I really care about you. Not that I feel like it burns bridges, but if you're calling your lawyer friends only to ask for legal advice,

You know, if you're doing this only to do this, you got to think to yourself sometimes that person now sees me as a time liability. Like, oh, you want me to work for free right now? And like my good friends, I don't mind doing that with. Yeah. Right. If you call me up, hey, what do you think of this? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. How can you can you defend this lawsuit that you got us into for something you said on the podcast? I mean, yeah, that's something you're going to help us out. You're going to help us out. Cole. Cole's not getting it. No, Cole's not getting it. At this point, you're getting sued. He's coming after me.

I think you're going good so far. I don't think you've offended anybody. Freedom of speech, baby. But here comes the, here comes the Gucher right here. Here comes the one that I was like, huh? Which is this six always leave people feeling a little better. There are no neutral exchanges in human relationships. We either leave someone either a little better or a little worse.

And I always say you can tell a lot about somebody by how they treat people that they can do nothing for them. Do they hold doors and they make conversation? Do they do something to brighten somebody else's day? And it's weird, but if I had to take an honest, probably inventory of my day,

I'm probably in some cases nicer to the people that I have don't know them at all. The lady at Exxon. Dude. Then I am the people I deal with every single day. I say that to my wife all the time. I say that to my wife all the time. I say...

It's weird to me that people in relationships where they're nicer to the barista at Starbucks than they are to their own spouse. Yeah. Because you take your spouse for granted, right? You do. You go to that person at Starbucks, hey, oh, and you get in the car. Why are you so fucking stupid? I've seen those relationships and I go, why aren't you with the person at Starbucks then? Because you seem to like them a lot more than your spouse. Well, no, no. I'm not talking about my spouse. What I'm talking about is...

the people that i deal with every single day do i walk by and because i see them every day i act in a way that's dismissive that literally that singular interaction does not leave them better than it was when i saw them so this was my idea for an app and tell me if you think this is nuts i think this would be awesome if you had the balls to use it so i just want an app that says literally i turn it on and i can face it at somebody and randomly on the screen it's just going to place two boxes one that's green that says better one that's red that says worse and

And then literally it all does is collect data for a certain amount of time. And every interaction you have with everybody that you have, just to see how you really are at the end of the interaction, you hold it up and say, can you, I don't know where the buttons are. I can't see what you pick. Can you just tell me how you feel after this? False confirmation is done. Would they, no, they come up to you and they all better. Yeah. Better fuck off. But if they can't see it and they know that you can't see, what do you think that you,

No, the problem is because you're afraid that you're going to get 100% feeling worse. And you're like, damn it. Yeah, everybody feels terrible. No, no. Okay. All right. You know how you tell how people actually feel about you? Yeah. Leave a room and hang around. This happened to me. I was sitting there doing something I thought was completely innocuous. And looking back on it, it was. It was really, really like, why the fuck are you talking? I walked around the corner. I was waiting for my Uber.

All of a sudden there was three people over in the area I was, and they start talking shit about me. But in a way, like, did you see what that guy was doing? Like, look at him using a fork for cake. It was something like that where you go, what the fuck are you talking about? There was only forks there. Yeah, but here's the thing, though. I don't think it was the actual thing they were bitching about.

I think it was probably the general vibe of how they took whatever you were doing, which is kind of the problem that I'm wrestling with right now. Right. So you don't know how people feel because everybody's polite to your face and then you leave. And then there you go. And you don't get invited. So yeah, the bad haircut. I think people would be a little, if I did. Yeah. I think your hair just, people are like this mother. I don't need to see. I don't need this guy's hair around. God, you could come up and tell me I'm handsome, beautiful. I'm like, screw this guy with his hair. Amazing care.

Yeah, well, you know, it is a thing. What would you do in that situation? What, if I lost my hair? You're in a room where you heard people talking about you and you're still there.

I, you know, I think, um, what is there? There's a saying that don't worry about what people say behind your back. Cause it's none of your business. I think is, is, is a quote that's out there. And I think, but you'd utilize it and learn from it. I think, but here's the, but here's the point. The point is that's, it wasn't even honest feedback. That was bullshit because, because what they were bitching about some innocuous thing that he did, but it had nothing to do with what he did. It had to do with the overall vibe of what was happening. You know, they weren't picking up, but they weren't digging what you were playing. They weren't picking up what you were laying down. That's the, but,

But they don't want to say, like, I don't like his overall vibe. I just want to pick on something that manifests itself in a very weird way. Yeah, it's kind of one of those weird situations. You'd have to see it. But it was something where it's like, that's a weird thing to be talking about. And then taking a lot of joy out of it, right? So I did the other thing. I went and walked up to him like, hey, why did you think that was weird? I was still here. I heard everything you just said. And they go, what?

Oh, you know, backtrack and the one that goes, yeah, look, I was being an asshole. And then the other goes, woo, you know, blah, blah, blah. I said, you know what people do? People that have nothing better to do talk about others. People that have, you know, people with, you know, whatever, talk about ideas and whatever. So just be better. Well, and I tell you that that's I was thinking about the same tune again.

pull the, you know, pull the thumb, don't point the finger. But I, you know, I think about our day and I think about what we do. And occasionally, you know, you watch, you watch garbage television late at night, whatever it is, and you're sitting on the couch and then they roll out, you know, the, the Vanderpump people are, you know, the 8,000 pound forehead women on discovery, whatever it is. How do you, I mean, look, look, I'm not picking on you, but how do you have a fat, you know how fat you gotta be to have a fat forehead. You gotta be fat.

But anyway, as I'm watching this, right? Like, and I'm saying stuff like that. Cause I think it's funny. Cause I think it's funny. Cause I think it's, I think it's a joke. And then I realized like my kids are hearing me and my wife, like tear these people down for like, Oh my God, can you believe what that guy on Vanderpump's wearing? Like she looks like a hooker or like whatever it is, man. Right. And I'm thinking, dude, my kids are picking this up. And,

And we got to stop that too. And that's something we talked about because they're, you know, your kids are going to replicate what they hear at home. And if it's, you know, let's laugh about others, you know, being on television, whatever it is, that's not, it's not a good thing. They're putting that on TV. They put it on for that. It's for that. That doesn't mean I have to follow. But you find yourself, that's so hard not to write. Like I sat there and I stopped watching TV. I really have. Yeah. Chain smoking hate.

Yeah, it's just a lot of that stuff where you go, the Island Boys. Okay, but that's so absurd, right? Are those guys like... I don't know. I don't even like saying it. I didn't know what it was. I asked someone because I kept seeing these fucking two idiots. I look and I go...

We're celebrating the worst parts of human nature, but those parts of human nature are creating this thing to talk about. Sometimes it's a reflection of what we don't want to be, and sometimes it's fun to do that. I don't know why. It's probably not positive. So there's a part of it where you want to be better and not critical and all these things, but then there's a part of you that doesn't want to be square either. No, but I think it also goes back to the you don't want to be around people that complain. And if you're around people that are bitching and making fun of other people, they can't hear what they're saying,

I mean, at some point they're going to say, what is this dude saying? When I walk around the corner, they're going to bitch. Are they going to bitch about how I eat cake with a fork? I tell that to people all the time. You got friends that are talking shit about your other friends. They're talking shit about you. Exactly. I know for sure. So it says there's 10 principles to keep in mind, uh, to merit and maintain other people's trust. First, avoid arguing with other people. I think we've already covered that. Arguing is futile. Conflict is inevitable. However, in the end, we must, uh, value interpedence more than independence, uh,

Understand that polite and respectful negotiation is more effective in the long run than antagonistic argument. Yes. Yeah. Arguments you never win. Secondly, respect the difference of opinion. Yeah. Where's this been in America right now? The echo chamber. Yeah. Echo chamber does come after. What was the last one you said? What was it? It was Dunning-Kruger. No, after Dunning-Kruger comes. Dunbar's number. Dunbar's number. D-D-E. Echo chamber. Yep, we're there. So see, this is working out perfectly for you because it just falls right under your line. Yeah.

Yeah. Second, respect difference opinion. Telling others they are wrong will only make them hate us. Very few people react reasonably when they are told they are wrong. In most cases, they react emotionally and defensively because we are questioning their convictions. Yes. And the belief thing. We always want others to respect our beliefs, but we don't respect theirs. Yeah.

This is what I like about this topic. I find this a very interesting topic, very personal to me in that I always want to be better. There's a lot of people that they don't seem to want to get better, improve. And I go, there's all this knowledge out in the world and you just think you have all the answers today? That's your opinion's firm today? You have this hard line opinion about something as opposed to being, you know, because I know it takes work to do real research. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Well, here's the deal, dude. I mean, look at this way. I'm sitting here on our podcast, which has over 10,000 subscribers.

I call myself a jackass basically for how I've behaved a little bit in the past. And you know, there, I mean, I'm willing to take an honest look at what I do and I think everybody should be. And if you're one of those people that your ideas are right, everybody else is wrong. It's a problem because it says, you know, here's the thing. This is, if you want to effectively like open your mind and solve a problem, start with a blank slate. Sure. You know, if you have an opinion, tell me why it's right. Tell me we got this. And again, this comes back to, I think I said several shows away, which is if you're going to show him for share information, uh,

Ask yourself how true it is. Where did you hear this? Who is the source? Are they qualified to deliver that information? Right. You know what? One of the other great things in philosophy is if you think that you know a thing well enough to have an opinion on one side, go become an expert on the other side first.

If you think, right, I want to defeat the argument on the other side, well, go be an expert on it. If you don't know shit about the other side at an expert level, you have no right to have an opinion on the other side. That's why politics is so crazy because people have no idea what's going on on the other side because they watch one media outlet both sides, right? It's a both-side problem. If you don't, it's... But in business, what I started realizing is

Selling businesses and investments and stuff became such over and over to me. Something was not a big deal, right? And then I finally sat there and I don't know what it was. I think we were buying a property or something personal. I'm like, God, this is actually a little stressful when you're going through it, right? And I sat there and I go, I need to re-put myself on the other side of this transaction. And I had a guy that I just did a deal with. The guy's awesome. He called me awesome.

30 times a day. Sure. And he's like, he apologized every time I go, no, because...

I understand. It's stressful. You're coming to me because I'm the expert. Yeah, that's why we're talking. About three years ago, I'd have been pissed off at this guy. But now I'm like, God. That's why you have these conversations. That's why you learn and reflect. Leading us to third. Admit your faults quickly and emphatically. Doing so shows the person we hurt that we genuinely care about them and we want to make things right. People are much more forgiving when they see we're willing to correct our behavior and come clean right away.

way. That also requires that you correct your behavior. It does. And one of my, you know, one of the best things I think were the best compliments I ever got was years ago. And, uh, last time I worked really in major corporate America, I got called by a boss. I'm out at one point, I won't go into what he called me about, but he called me about something. And it was one of those conversations where you could just tell, like, he thought he had me like, Oh,

oh, like, you know, he's had this Perry Mason thing like going and at some point in the conversation, he was going to go, ah, you know, I gotcha. And he called me and asked me like, hey, what's up with this? And I was just like, and I didn't do anything wrong. Don't get me wrong. But it was, it was, it was, it was called a gray area situation. And he said, what happened with this? And I said, well, this happened, this happened. And I did this and this is what we did. And that's why we did it. And here we go. And there was this pause.

And he just goes, no, no, no, no, no. He just goes like this. He goes, that's why I love you, Gafford. You're a bleeder. He called me a bleeder. And I said, what do you mean? He goes, you'll just stand up, take it around the chin. And I was like. Like he was hoping you'd like. Yeah. People don't realize that. I love that. Like when I have somebody and I'm like, hell yeah, lie to me. You're a bleeder. I am ready to go off once you lie to me. And then they're like, oh, it's like. Yeah. And that was it. You read McConaughey's Greenlights? No. I don't know. Yeah.

Was that on your book? I was talking to somebody about it. I haven't read it yet. Everybody said it was great. It's one of those things like if I see a picture of Morgan Freeman and everything that's in writing after that, I hear it in his voice. If I read the Greenlights book, I'd be like, all right. Get the audio book. Chapter one, here we go. No, you got to audio book it. And it's him in the audio book? It's him. Oh, God. See, I don't even know. Oh, it's magical. No, it's great. It's a lot of fun. You got a problem? No. You can't sound like Tom Hanks. No, no, no.

One of the things was telling his story of how he grew up. Pretty interesting storyteller. He's a generational storyteller. And his brother had one of these things where he was caught smoking pot for the football team. And he was like, my father always said, you know, just be honest and take it on the chin. And he goes, the coach is like, well, that means you're off the team. I gave him a way worse punishment where he would have just lied about it. And it was like the whole thing about it. And, you know, it was such a fun story. The way the brother just finally was like,

You know, I tried to do the right thing. Now I'm going to do the fucking wrong thing. Yeah. And that's what we move to. Incentivize good behavior. No, I tell my kids all the time, I'm going to be pissed off for a full day at you for fucking up. You lie to me, it's going to be a month or two of me pissed off. It's much worse. Fourth, begin interactions in a friendly way. After all, friendliness begets friendliness. When we have friendly feelings towards someone, we're more likely to agree with them or see things from their perspective.

You know, again, for me, I don't think that's an issue. I'm pretty friendly with everybody I run into. I think the challenge there for people would be if you've got to deliver bad news to start with friendliness in business. And I'll say this and I talk all the time. If you listen to this, don't never put bad news in writing. You pick up the phone, you call people, you

You be a man, you be a woman, whatever it is. Be a human about it. You be a human and you stand up and you show some empathy and you deliver bad news. Don't put it in a text message. Don't put it in an email. Have the comic card to see. Don't put it off. Yeah. Don't put it off for 48 hours. Yeah, no, no, no, no. I see that a lot. I'm like, I know this is an issue. When are people going to call and tell me it's an issue? And they don't for two, three days. Hey, Colt, this is Chris. Thanks for letting me manage your OnlyFans account. I got to tell you, just dropped 50% of users with Limp Bizkit 048. Yeah.

at aol.org you just yeah you don't have to keep signing up for accounts you can just log in through the admin and look at your own stuff 100 grand a year on only absolutely not no why no no circumstances are you serious because you're far too moral you won't do the things necessary i think if i like just showed my feet i think i got cute cute feet me you're probably right you know what there's probably a market for your feet

There probably is. That's a sad thought. It's a dark place. It's a dark, dark place. 300-pound dude in Ohio. Yeah, but you also got to talk to him. So it won't just be just feet cold. If you're willing to try, I'm willing to laugh about it.

I think this is an experience. Colts feet. Well, how do we do OnlyFans? If you're out there listening and you're an OnlyFans expert, please call us so we can get Colts feet up on Instagram. And we want to get a Colts feet off. I knew a girl that made a living. I mean, a good living.

Making videos of herself ignoring dudes. No, no, no, no, no. I was like, somebody told me that story. It was you. No, I'm not going to get into it. She was never nude. She never did anything. Or she would just make fun of them. These are for guys. And guys have, if you go into the psychosexual behavior of men, it's way different than women. There's biological differences. But...

Men who were ignored or whatever, they get off on that feeling of someone ignoring me, literally eating cereal, like looking at you like a loser and then turning away and eating cereal for like 12 bucks. Oh, God. I think my own videos. There was a girl at the Palms years ago. This is years ago. My wife worked there. They caught her going to the trash in the dressing room and she would get the cocktail waitresses, use pantyhose and then sell them online. And she was.

rushing it who is that girl that sold her bath water that gamer girl is like i don't know i don't even know daphne or something yeah she's selling bath water and guys are making videos i'm drinking her bath water oh god you're going that's not okay i think one of them got sick i'm serious as a borderline as a borderline professional germaphobe that is not i am a germaphobe

i underwear socks not okay not okay colt's adventures in japan ladies and gentlemen not okay water drinking it oh god i think a guy got sick that could have been like splash on my face could have been a parody but oh boy okay fifth access affinity as early as often and as often as possible establishing commonality or affinity at the beginning of an interaction is a new form of yes

The more early yeses you hold, the more likely you are to secure yes and yes. Ah, it's kind of salesy for me. That's the yes train through sales. Oh, get them saying yes about anything, and then they're more likely to say yes. Six, surrender credit. This means prioritizing the success and betterment of others because you are genuinely grateful for them and for what they offer you. It means being confident in who you are and acknowledging the rubber-like power of reciprocity.

I love this. I think it was trying to think how it was. And we just lost our screen behind us. I don't know why. Anyway, I think it was just turn it off. I think it was. Who was it? It was. I remember it was. But somebody said what they say to themselves before they go on air.

is they really just say, how can I help as many people as I can today? Like God, give me the power to help as many people out there as I can. And by putting others first, it gave him a lot of confidence to walk on stage. And I wish I could remember who said that. Don't you, are you picturing a person that's really excellent at all these traits right now?

i'm trying don't you just like that yeah that person you like that person i got it every time i'm picturing somebody that said that you know said ed mylett said that it was ed myla who is who is really good at all of these things yeah really good i have a buddy that's been successful absolutely everything he's done and they have been such dramatic businesses but he is that guy i

It's just great at every moment. How do you fail? Look at the screen. It looks like all of a sudden now we're on a, if you watch this on YouTube, we lost our background for some reason. And it looks like we're like in a void. You know what, it's going to be the Star Wars thing. I know, we're like in a complete void now. So listen to this. Can you screen that? Get the Death Star behind you. You won't know what it is. Dark Vader. So listen to this. So my three-year-old didn't.

not want to be what he wanted to be want to be a knight so i bought him a night costume for halloween right did not want to be it last second i think we've all been sitting there i had to go buy go to costco they had one thing my mom's like oh they i found one that is size i'm like buy it i'll pay you back comes people are like he's so cute what is it we don't know what he is found out he's a star wars person yeah he wasn't he was boba fett i think why don't you just dress him up as a real knight which if you haven't seen if you haven't seen that bad boy

The Book of Boba Fett coming out on Apple. Oh, that's what he was. Dope. Yeah, so apparently. Looks so dope. Looks wild. Yep, so that was my Star Wars. That was your Star Wars. See, now you're buying your kid's Star Wars things you just never seen in a movie. All right, next thing. Don't take all the credit when things go well and dish out blame when things go wrong. Don't be afraid to share the spoils of success. Doing so never will win you friends. Yeah, I mean, obviously spread around the greatness. Of Colt's presence here. Yeah.

I mean, look, no. I think everybody's in love with this. We know the success for this bad boy is 100% because Colton. But don't you love, I love, like, being around you guys and hearing your success. Like, I love hearing people's success. Well, you know, I saw. I'm probably, we're probably those few that like that. Well, I saw that, I saw somebody put a meme up today and there was a sign somewhere that said, stop hanging around with people that don't want to see you win.

Yeah, so a guy I barely know, but he does very well. I think he's like a sports gambler in town. He's a guy named A.J.,

And he's got, you know, nice whips and all that stuff. And he put a post up the other day of like, don't hang out with people who don't want to see you succeed. And there he goes, people will do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was one of those kind of ideas where, you know, you can tell a lot about a person, how much they want to see you succeed. And I'm like, I want every one of my friends to succeed because I want to go on the boat, but I don't want to pay for the fucking maintenance. I wish I want all of my friends to be infinitely more successful than me. I couldn't.

couldn't care less if people are way better than me even if some of those friends don't invite you on the private yacht they're going on tomorrow that's okay oh god should we get on first world problems chris has to fly commercial tomorrow chris has to fly commercial tomorrow to his private yacht oh every time i pull up this shot it's freaking me out like we get sucked into the netherworld that's the

I'm floating. Is that Steve Sachs in the Simpsons baseball episode? I think it was. He's in the hole of nowhere. I think it was. Seventh, always engage with empathy. Nowadays, we focus too much on self-promotion, i.e. the interwebs, which...

Man, that has become a business. And thus, we fail to consider how others might feel in any given situation. Often, we take time to consider the other person's perspective. We become more sympathetic to their feelings. Empathy is a lost art. You know. EQ. It is. Emotional intelligence is the most important thing in business. People talk about being smart, people never, but. IQ, EQ, AQ. Yep, it's there. That's building.

It's there. Eight, appeal to people's noble motives. Doing so conveys to the other person that we believe what they are doing. And I'm sorry. Cole, you want the world to see your beautiful feet, don't you? Doing so conveys. I'm going to figure out OnlyFans this next week, guys. Appeal to your noble motives. Why did I kick me out when she's like, why is OnlyFans on here? Noble motives. It is a subtle compliment, but these words often move people to action. All right.

Ninth, share your stories. When we share our stories, others become more willing to share theirs. Together we can create new and larger story with imagination. Now, I think this also is a place where probably I struggle because it's like, oh, really? You met that guy? Well, I met. But hold on. Sometimes I think that is seen as one-up-ism.

Because if I tell you a story and you're like, oh, that reminds me of this time I did this. I go, oh, that's it. It's one-upism if your intentions are bad. Otherwise, it's human storytelling. But I think, no, but the thing is, again, like for example, if you ask me what my greatest story is, and then immediately when I'm done with that, I tell you my greatest story. It's pretty fun, though. It's pretty fun. I tell you my greatest story, which is infinitely more interesting, at least it is to me, than you. Number one,

I don't think you're going to win that battle unless it's kind of a light speed away. But the reality of it is, is I think that you're just going to get to a place where people always feel like you're trying to one-up them as it is. So I think you're better off if you're going to tell a story or somebody's really into their story, they love it. Unless they ask you, do you have an exact experience in this realm? I think just let it go.

you know it's such a struggle though because when we crave real connection with people sometimes you're going to get excited about those things you're doing like i said the egyptian pictures but i think if you're interested in other people i think then they do genuinely i think if you're genuinely interested in them they become genuinely interested in what you have to say and they're going to start extrapolating that information from you instead of getting it like a scatter gun which is what i've been doing out of somewhat of you know weird place of insecurity where i start just

Badger, don't you think that kind of like-minded people, though, are going to? So here's the thing. I think a lot of times what Carnegie talks to is dealing with people who are insecure or less secure than maybe yourself or whatever. Right. Because I don't find that when you're in a room full of successful people that they're

terribly worried about you stealing their spotlight. - Right. - Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, no, I agree. And I think you said also the storyteller, right? Like my wife, she goes, "Oh my God, you just get to the point." And it's like, well, no,

If I'm with somebody, I want them to know who you are, right? Like the story tells. If I'm next to a billionaire, I'm going to say, is this guy worth a billion dollars? Because I want you to realize who's at this point in the story. Who's this? If this guy is famous, I'm going to tell you, oh, he's this guy who did this. So you comprehend and you comprehend the story. Because if not, my story might be stupid if it's like, well, I was at a bar and his girlfriend flirted with me. But you know what? It's kind of interesting. Maybe to John's point there, maybe you start taking a left on people where they go,

Instead of being like, oh, this is my friend Colt. He's in commercial real estate. This is my friend Colt. He's the world's greatest Tom Hanks fan. Something maybe a little more personal because here's what people like with... But I think that's different. I think if people come to you and they're like, oh, this is my friend. Do tell my story about this. That's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I'm kind of getting at is this.

maybe pointing out the thing about people that everyone can either tell or know or that's going to come up anyway is not. So if you want to make a connection, like if you're worried that take like if I hang out with Andre the Giant and say, hey, my friend Andre the Giant, look, he's a giant. Right.

Or is my friend Bob the billionaire? Look, he's a billionaire. Maybe Bob the billionaire is like, hey, he's my friend. Called the fence builder. The bridge builder. Called the bridge builder, yeah. Called the bridge builder. Built 20 bridges, but for some reason we don't call him the bridge builder. So if you have somebody, if you want to kind of maybe let them know you care about them on levels outside of business, maybe you can refer to people in ways that are...

are kind of interesting, you know? Yeah. Here's my friend Bob. He's my friend Vince. He's an attorney in town, right? But he's building this crazy garden in his backyard. It's wild to me. So it's one of those things that, you know, my friend Vince.

Tell the guard in your back. No, like when I introduce you to people, when I introduce people to you, I go, my friend Chris, he's got like Ripley's Believe It or Not at his house. Yeah, because it's like, what's your passion? Yeah, that's what I said. They have passion more than their accolades. Yeah, I got it. Well, and I think that's a big thing to do as...

there are certain people that are really good at that and i think when you introduce somebody it's good to throw something about them because maybe you start off a conversation for somebody and people don't they're like hey this is john you know and just leave it at that this is john john they're doing that because they don't remember the person's name that's what they're doing yeah you want to hear my thing my thing will be like this is my wife and then i pretend to cough yeah and

Oh, did you say your name? Okay, cool. I got COVID really bad. What's your name? I'm pretty sure at this point everybody's got that move figured out. That's like Colt's like, and then I slam on the brakes and reach across. That's my move. I'm like, oh, hey, I got you. I got you. That's the move. Well, guys, we've run out of time for today. So hopefully, man, this helped you. Obviously, if you want to learn more than this, if you...

Everybody should read that book. It is one of the staples. It's a Bible. You should absolutely read that book for interacting with others. And next time you interact with me, hopefully I will be being a little more engaged with some of the things and principles we talked about because I got to tell you this, I'm really going to try. And if you liked what you heard today, man, tell a friend. And if you hated it, man, please tell two because it doesn't matter if they're talking good or bad about you.

As long as they're talking about you in a way that empathizes with their own internal motivation. Exactly. Please like and subscribe. Help us out. See you later. Hey, it's John Gafford. If you want to catch up more and see what we're doing, you can always go to thejohngafford.com where we'll share any links that we have things we talked about on the show, as well as links to the YouTube where you can watch us live. And if you want to catch up with me on Instagram, you can always follow me at thejohngafford. I'm here. Give me a shout.