#694 - Sadia Khan - Why Is Modern Dating Such A Mess?
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Hello, everybody, welcome back to the show. My guys today is sdi a con. She's a relationship coach and a speaker. Dating in the modern world is more fraught than other men, and women are finding themselves confused and lost as they try to make sense of mating landscape, which becomes ever more difficult to navigate. Expect to learn why saddam's instagram has been banned three times, why nice guys have such a hard time in relationships, whether men and women can actually be friends, whether hot women tend to be crazy, how to stop being a jealous partner, whether body count actually matters, why married couples cheat, what love island is doing to our view of romance, and much more. But now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome sacca.

Why did you get banned on instagram?

Thank you to be don't know fully. But from what I did, some digging, I found that there was a only fans, content creator, who felt like I was pushing a narrative that goes against sex work, pornography and only fans. And so he pulled some strings, managed to get IT banned.

I also put some strings, managed to get back on. But i'm sure with my big mouth, i'll get myself in trouble soon. So i'm gna make a vow. And i'm glad you hit to witney IT you try and stay out of trouble because I don't want to lose. My instagram is actually .

a really great platform. OK well will see how you get on after today. So one of the things that i've noticed recently is this sort of widespread belief that love is, is it's toxic.

Why do you think these sort of modern representations of female stories are so devoid of love? Looking at the barbi movie, does these previews of the snow White movie coming up? Ritual eglah ega doesn't really look like she's pro love. What do you think is going on?

Well, I think the device of marriage and long term latitudes, what that means is with relationships. I like when you watch a movie, and the whole movie can be great. If the ending is shit, will say movie is a shit.

That movie was awful. Similarly, if the ending is fantastic, you will say the whole moving is great. Usually the people pushing this narrative of just come out of a negative relationship. So they define the entire course of love and the entire course relatives by their particular ending. And if ending was terrible, love is terrible, and they label IT like that.

And they also like to run with the narrative that my axis analysis, their favorite phrase on the planet at the moment, what that does is kind of avoid us of the responsibility causing that toxicity, blame on someone else, and then blame love as a separate entity is a cause for our pain, when really it's our behaviors. So the love is in toxic is how we behave in love, and how we behave when that creates toxicity. But it's easier to just say that love, is this really dangerous, and we should avoid IT at all costs and always keep our armor up just in case love comes out and kills us when really is our poor decision making, our our behaviors that cause love to be .

toxic yeah it's strange to me that IT appears to be like a top down narrative as well. It's not just individuals rejecting love. It's also in movies. It's in culture as well.

yeah. And I I I do think there is you know there is a lot to be gained from convincing people that love is toxic and you don't need IT because independence breeds more customers. Whether it's on social media, whether it's on porn sites, whether it's on cosmetic surgery, independence creates customers. So I think that IT makes total sense from a marketing perspective to his breathe idea that love is no longer necessary. I saw a lot of interviews from the star of snow White where he was almost making digs at what is actually quite sweet, very talent but but trying to make IT into dig and I just thought um i'm guessing the narrative of seeing love as week is being propagated in the culture .

today yeah there's a quote from that interview. She's not going to be saved by the prince. She's not going to be dreaming about true love. She's dreaming about becoming the leader. He knows he can be the prince in the original movie starter.

Why would you sign up to a film if that's what you believe IT was the message behind IT, i'm guessing because here's what they're taking is i'm not saying the disney movies were great for our perception of life, but the idea of mocking connection and mocking unless say, for example, somebody does save you and you're in a buy position, but they do save you, why is that so negative? If somebody y's going through something and you find a partner and they help you heal, and you both help each other heal, why is a negative thing? I mean, I maybe i've got IT wrong, but the narrative i'm getting is is seen as embarrassing to fall in love when really is essential component of um of our life we all need IT .

IT seems to me the advice for men suggest that falling in love makes you a rational and weak and for women IT makes you subservient, independent. And it's almost the opposite of what both sexes want to have right is a trend of wanting women to have their own independence at the moment, like more power to them. And there's a trend of wanting men to be able to stand up for themselves more. And love is being positioned as the antithesis of the thing that you're trying to get.

Yeah, what love is seen is suffering. And here's a thing, this a big difference between a pain and suffering, like pain is just things that happen in our life like, let's say, the person you love passes away or you have, you can have a baby that's pain. 呃， but suffering is the emotional consequences of our poor decision making.

Now, if you feel like love is suffering for you, have a look at your decision making if you're becoming weak, but if you choose wisely be, you won't what we see as being weak. You'll see IT as being uh compatible, you see as being uh compromising. But if and if you're becoming subserving, if you choose the right person, you won't see as a form of abuse. But if you're making poor decisions, of course, love is going to be a form of suffering. But suffer is a reminder that he made wrong choices.

Yeah, I was watching this baggage claim video early on. She's great. And he talks about this side of common anti love trend among SHE, calls IT feminists A A general disinterest in emotional connection with men. This is the sort of plague that he thinks going on at the moment.

I agree, and I think it's found a just to kind of even out. The playing field is also found among the the red pill men. And like we you spoke about before, when you feel like you can't access something the best in quick kest way to defend your egos, to pretend you don't want IT.

So when you feel like you're not worthy of love, and when I really think is a manifestation of low sofa steam, when you feel like you not worthy of love, the quickest and easier way to feel worthy is to pretend love is terrible, pretend love is toxic. And I see there's a lot in red pale men and really have like a proud feminist. Both cohorts tend to be people who person ally probably believe that they're not desire to the opposition.

So the only way to get rid of that feeling of like being undesired is to pretend you don't desire the opposite number. So I see IT both, and they're almost a perfect match for each other. That blue had, you know, feminists and that red pill guy there, almost a perfect match because they both almost have the same pathologies when IT comes to their understanding of love. So they should get together.

Yes, that would be a very interesting relationship to observe. Yeah, I am. Is this idea called that in a caddie that people retreat into? If you can't get what you want, you must teach yourself to want what you can get, right? And that's kind of what you're describing. Know if I tell myself that, uh, all women are awful, then IT doesn't force me to try and get into a relationship and then for I don't need to fill the pain of heart break if I tell myself that jobs are completely pointless, that I can sit in unemployment and not be concerned about not making progress.

Goal exactly, but the problem, that is a preventive, fulfill your potential in life. Human beings are designed with the potential to love and nature one another. And whenever we cap our potential, whether that's through, like we cap our potential physically, emotionally, psychologically, anything that involves tapping your potential will lead to a slow and steady depression that will signature to yourself that you're not fulfilling your potential come out and manifest as a form of depression.

So when you kind of ward of love, you awarding of your own full potential, and therefore, you will see an increase in your depression and anxiety. They even find studies where women, when they hold their partner's hand during labor, they experiences less pain. That's how much we're designed to be in love.

It's actually a painting. Relief is an anti anxiety. They found loader studies where they see people that you know sleep a lots of people in a communion, they sleep Better.

They don't have any like micro weakening ings in the night. So where our body craves IT, whether you psychologically convince yourself you don't want IT, your body will still speak to until you that you need IT. So unfortunately, he doesn't work.

The microwave ing thing is really interesting. I remember learning IT from yohn hurry. That is basically a um it's like a measure of comfort that people have in safety, right? So fifteen thousand years ago, you have gone out hunting and you decide to sleep in a cave that is away from what you usually would.

It's adaptive for you, as this domain person away from home, to not go into quite as deep sleep because you can't be quite as assured that this particular location is safe. One of the reasons why people get such bad night night sleep in hotels yeah because even if the room quiet and it's dark and there's no L D blinking and room service doesn't come and accidentally knock on your door, it's still not your house. And we have this in built microwave ending where you just come back up the threshold ld of consciousness and then get back in again.

Two things that are interesting. If you have the sound of a crackling fire or the sounded snowing dogs, both of those reduce microwave ending. All I would have scared away predators, and the dogs would have been an early warning system.

Amazing at the fantastic um what is that lost connections is up the right and yeah says the same thing. Evolutionary wise were designed to sleep with others because that creates a sense of um safety against predators. So when people come to me and they have with something, they have depression. The first thing I ask is what your connections like, what is your relationship like with other people and they convince themselves they don't want.

But I do understand there's a part of me, and I ve spoken about this a little bit with when I speaking to my clients, I kind of I can understand why the lazy kind of man that feels undesirable is avoiding relationships because there's a lot of effort for very little return when the alternative is I can either watch photography or in high on esco. Again, little effort and a maximum return. So I get, from a logical point of view, about going to spend hundreds of pounds on a day, and you might not even sleep with me.

I could spend half of that on an ice ground. Definitely will. But the goal of life is not to get sex, is to get connection. And that's what they're trying to skip. unfortunately.

Have you reflected on the rise of scots and sex work? I think it's pretty fascinating to look at the if the women who do IT and the .

men who pay for IT, yeah well, the women who do IT usually, and I think is probably less now, but there's A A big history of charted sexual abuse. And the reason why child abuse often then becomes monetize sex work is because when we are violated IT as a child, men or women, when something is violated from us, the only way your eager kind of makes sense of what happens to is to minimize the importance and significance of what was stolen from you.

So if I was as abuse sexually, if I then minimize the importance of sex and then take some control by monodist ing IT, like i'm now in control of my body, I mean going to be hyper promise or i'm going to monetize IT. What he does is minimize the significance of sex, and therefore I don't have to deal with the trauma experiences. I now see sex is just an activity, and therefore, if I was, abuse is not that series.

And so the psychology of them is usually coming from a broken place. And also said, the only thing that they struggle with is knowing what loyalty looks like in a relative they don't see as an essential component because they've monitor ze sex and taken away the emotion element to IT. So IT becomes very difficult for them to be sexually loyal to their partner, is almost like they see sex is a bit as well an activity.

And if they do with somebody else, why with that body, they don't understand the process. So they end up being quite emotionally disconnected, very transactional with their partners. And the relationship become the the relationship don't really last very long. Unfortunately, they are avoid of emotions and then IT translates into their parenting as well.

What about the psychology of the man who pay for IT?

Um the psychology of the man that actually goes to where there is usually is somebody who is highly avoided. Begin with there was some emotional disconnect in their parents, in their household.

So when you got want to call a beautiful woman in the real world, SHE requires some emotional connection, first and foremost, or at least at some point now, if you, if you find that hard to experience emotional connection, and you have the money to go from pornography to escorts, you skip the emotional component and go straight to escorts IT. Basically h escorts are poor edicts with money yeah essentially that is for them and not low self. A steam that's intense low office steam um with the men that pay for exports means that they don't believe they can access a woman of that caliban real life.

So let me at least pain for IT and therefore I don't have to experience rejection. The reason why emotional kind of disconnect is so important for the customer is a man that understands emotional intelligence and understands a woman's emotions, wouldn't feel comfortable having sex with the woman he knows doesn't want to be. That guy that Normally has emotional intelligence will think of god, she's probably not enjoying this.

And h god, what true, my LED her to get here. I don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't have sex with me, but the man who skipped that emotional intelligence and just once pleasure will not even think about the emotional trauma that got to this position and just think as long as he pleases me, I don't really care what IT took to get out here. So that emotional disconnect in both of them, which is why they often fall in love with each other, fall in love.

Yeah, they often do end up together. This is what I really hate about the narrative that they tell you that on these red pill podcast, that men want virgins, men want google ls. The amount of successful men that fall in love with the escorts is because they allow him to not emotional connect, but then still boost his ego, which is what is and dream come true. Where's another woman requires emotional connection before he can boost your ego. So the esco is just providing him the ego boost with bearing in mind his emotional disabilities.

That's interesting, I noticed.

is that can I ask, is that began in amErica as well because it's .

huge where I I haven't seen IT. I mean, to buy I think is A A very particular petridis of like unique dating. Maybe miami, I mean, I would almost be certain with miami.

London, I just rampant in london as well.

I noted you are in the locations. He moved to ami too.

Maybe i'm the problem. Maybe I bring, I bring the heat.

So I noticed when I was a uni and I was running a lot of nightclubs, and we would go the only place that open after three in the morning of the strip clubs, right? So we would go to the strip clubs we would like. We know the girls, because most of of the girls would come out to one of our events on the evening time, whatever.

And I noticed a lot of the girls were struggling. They would struggle to see men as, like, not genuine humans, but because their job required them to see men as resources to be extracted from, like, anyone that ever been to a proper working class strip club, right? This still, you know, like girls, and that I am not delegating the quality of the women.

I'm talking about the kind of culture that comes to they are fucking ruthless with how they take money from men like that sitting on the it's almost like a sales funnel. They understand the tricks that they can use to get amount to go for a dance, to get amount to stay with you. And so and they entered the game like the arena of play is, and if they've had too much to drink or they don't whatever, like provision on to the strip club with a credit card, if that's the case.

But what happened on the other side of that? I noticed that a lot of the girls struggle to make an emotional connection with guys in their personal life. And I think that trying to separate out this is someone that i'm supposed to have a genuine connection with, and this is someone that i'm supposed to have a transactional connection with these two IT doesn't surprise me. The econ that these gonna bleed into each other in the same has to be true with only funds.

What happens with only funds and shoppers? And six in general? The pool of women left without men, they don't respect.

The reality is, women respect men with masculinity, alpha protectiveness providing ETC. Now, when you go into sex work, you are left with first, your customers are incredibly lost. Office deem credit nave to even believe that you're gonna loyal to them.

And even if he's not, your customer is your boyfriend, but he accepts your sex work. A part of you doesn't see him as powerful and a provider and doesn't see him as protective because if he was truly protective, he wouldn't be with you. If he was a man that genuinely was an alpha man and wanted a good woman, he wouldn't be with you.

So the type of men they truly respect wouldn't be with them. So the only men they can, they definitely can't fall in love with the guy that is, you know, giving the money. The closest thing they get to that is the pm that's taking money from them because at least then they kind of respect the fact. But he he's using her in a way, but to be manipulated by her SHE feels more powerful than him and that we can't respect him.

I wonder how many girls strip clubs get into relationships with the bounces yeah and the door stuff here and the manager and stuff like that.

they end up more they just more likely to be with a man that they provide for than one that provides to them because a man that provides a stripper. There's a stupidity in that because you know this woman's transactional and yet you're giving her money SHE can't respect you. But the man he has to pay for, whether he's like a bouncer that's on half a way or he's just a personal trainer that he has to cover the inform.

She's more like beautiful in love with him, because at least he's not stupid enough to financially invested me and the part of her unconsciously respects him more than the C. E. O, that's gonna you a house, an orange? Because he is like you. So stupid.

What have you come to reflect on about the psychology of slut shaming?

Um it's a way of validating poor decision making. So when we use the way your starch shaming, what we're really saying is stop pointing out the floors in my floor. D behaviour.

Essentially we need a society filled with guilt, shame and regret. We need to aware of these emotions. If we remove shame from our society, we call IT fat shame, not shaming.

Essentially, we find a way of Normalizing what is abNormal behavior. And when we do that, we then become reckless. We need guilt, shame and regret to help direct us into making proper decision making, responsible decision making, healthy decision making. So whenever you hear the word that's that shaming and that's not shamming, if the word before IT is negative, then the actual the concept is broken. What what would you .

say to the people who say we had the sexual revolution? sadia? We don't need, like, girls can sleep with guys as much as they want to.

This is the new world. Get up to date now, twenty twenty three. Why would IT be the case that that is a negative, shameful guilt riddle behavior?

Because you're the one saying that many trash and you you're sleeping with the more day every day you the the of women that sleep her on the most that will say men are trash. The women in healthy relationships are not usually the one saying that. So if this formula is working, why you're allowing trash to enter our china?

I had an idea. I did theory about the game theory of slott shaming and the game theory of simple shaming as well I want to teach you about. And so as far as I can see, most such shaming comes from women than IT does for men, right? Which might be, on the surface, surprising, but a bit more inspection IT makes sense.

Yes, the reason that more slut shaming comes from women than IT is from men is because women are invested in other women, not lowering the Price of sex too low. Yes, men would happily have the Price of sex be zero, right? If you are prepared to give blow jobs on the third day, but I want to wait until the fifth day also ago, and I want to wait until the first day.

It's in my interest to raise the Price of sex, right, by shaming anybody who is more sexually promiscuous than I am. Yeah so the problem that women are trying to. Combat is women who gives sex without loyalty or resources, right? They want to raise the the amount of loyalty and resources that other women use before they will give away sexual access.

Now what I realized, I think it's true men, simply me, for the exact same reason in the opposite direction. So women are concerned about sex without resources. Men are concerned with resources without sex.

Ah right? So what is simple is fundamentally doing is saying I will give away one of the the few things that man is supposed to hold in the highest value, yes, which is the ibis to provide. And I will give you that in return for nothing, yeah right? Or in return for some messages through a platform.

Al, perhaps just financially dominated or sugar baby in your way through college or or traveling or whatever is you want to do? So I feel like that energy is very similar between these two, simple shaming and slight shaming. Both of them are trying to ensure that competitors of the same sex don't give away the most valuable resource, which they don't want to have. The Price of delegating too low.

What do you think? Absolution of international selection, your competition within your sex? Now, the quick kest and easier way for women to kind of beat the competition is verbal aggression.

And one of the things that slot shaming does is, firstly, of course, like you mentioned, IT reduces the value of sexy you're competing with. People give IT for free. But in addition, by slut shaming is our wave unconsciously trying to put other men off that woman.

Now, people only slight shame, attractive women. You don't see if there are many unattractive women who are also sleeping with lots, lots of man. But what happens with women? They only feel the need to shame when the person is a threat in any way, shape, form. You will not see unattractive women get as many tools as attractive women online, and you will not get an unattractive women who sleep around, get as much .

in comments.

So essentially, what inta sexual selection does is that makes women use verbal agrements against one another, but only if she's a threat. If SHE is not a former threat, we actually turn IT into praise, because then IT works to actually be friends with women. Because you can share feeding, child wearing in evolutionary times, parents, yeah.

But if he is any form of threat, you can potentially take apart and take your resources. So whenever women are slight shaming and stuff, they usually focus on the women that they think that their partner would find attractive. So they might not slut shame. They say, for example, in english man, they might not slut shame the workers in thailand and stuff, but they would shame the local only found scales because it's more threat. So essentially, we probably attacked those that we see as a bigger threat, and that will reduce the ability of us to secure resources from a man.

Yeah, very interesting. yeah.

And that thing as well, because I get a lot of hate from women, particularly from women, saying that I don't save with women enough. And I always to say, you have no idea what is like to be around women like I maybe they do that for me person. I only ever, ever experience negativity from women, especially the workplace.

So it's hard for me to really be like, women are amazing, women in town. Women, women. No, for my personal, we don't support each other at all.

Yeah, that's it's a ruthless of realization. I had joy benny on a Christine jarana. I an, i've had doctor Sarah helon.

You know, a lot of evolution psychology researchers who are looking at into sexual competition can this Blake? And one of the things that joyce looked at was the body language of female basketball teams. SHE found that male opponents showed more physical affection to each other than female computer riots. So men on opposite teams of a basketball .

all were more .

like physically affectionate than goals that were on the same team. And I think that there's a lot of stuff going on with hierarchy how that works. It's the same reason why girls don't talk about their achievements academically if they know other people are going to find out.

Because stepping outside of the hierarchy is something that's a little bit dangerous and that's going to ruthless, right? Like IT should be the case as a goal that if you succeed and do something well, that you should be able to like, be proud about IT, you should be able to proclaim and know. People should say he did good. And one of the disadvantage, men are roofless to each other in very specific ways. But so women.

yeah, everything is with men. They would hunt and gathering tribes. So IT makes sense for them to have come on address people part of a grape. For women, we wouldn't necessarily use each other other to go hunt. We would only feel secure once we've secure the person that gives us resources.

And that's why married women tend to be who are happy and relationships tend to be less verbally hostile to once a single so single women together, I tend to be verbally host to one another. And when those are happy, spoken for because they no longer in that competition zone. So unfortunately, the reality of fema female power IT only works if you're not by each other.

The moment there is a former threat, they become very hostile and very aggressive. So it's very difficult to have a platform. Where are you're trying to just educate people about human nature as a woman because you'll get very much a lot of hatred .

from other women. So it's not the .

easiest is your qualification psychology cholos degree. I love that I actually teaching cmc cyc just not like a protected term.

Do you need to have a doctor, something you do if your research .

psychologist and if you're going to go to like clinical psychology? So yeah, so I haven't done a doctor, I would like to, but IT takes a long time. Yes, okay.

Talk to me about the problem with nice guys, then talk to about simple.

Essentially, what nice guys do is what they suffer with is not that they're too nice or anything, is just that they have incredibly weak boundaries. When IT comes to women, simply are not actually not just women, IT could be anybody. What they do is a lack a lot of masking in the team.

What they do is they blame the fact so nice as to why they can't get women, but is not about being nice, is about a lack of masculinity ity. And one of the best ways to establish masking ity is placing bones, particularly with women. When you don't like a behavior, you don't roll over and allow me to continue and then give her more in order to for you to get her.

You set up about you and you have a willingness to walk away. Nice guys. What happens is they don't like to exert their boundaries and they don't have a willingness to walk away.

So what ends up happening is a nice nature becomes a reason for resentment. Because women don't like IT. They actually feel angry when you're too nice to them, because then they don't feel protected. They feel like a week.

If you let a woman make all the decisions for you, you will slowly start to hate you, because you will feel like just to raise you, and you'll lose respect for you, so you're Better. What we truly won is not a man that this is like chaotic. We just want a man we, which can trust, makes good decisions.

He is not in the nice guy. He is the one that will submit to, but the one that doesn't trust his own decision making. And we have to do that. And he comes across as being nice .

essentially week yeah I overly able yeah. Is the term that I think about .

what would you like? How do you as a man make sure that you're nice and not weak? Like IT must be difficult because in this and age, if you try and be like a bit more, i'm guessing IT to get a lot of push back. It's it's hard for man.

I don't know. I think you'd be surprised. I think that you know the line of acceptable behavior is why why do the most people think right?

You know, you can be assertive in a powerful, reassuring way without being a tiant. It's pretty it's pretty easy to achieve. Yeah right. I don't think that it's that hard, but I also understand that a lot of people don't have a massive amount of first hand experience. They are spending all of that time learning about things through the internet.

They don't actually have the you need to be skillful and nimble, right, to be able to floating and dealing with even the same sex letter on the opposite sex is like a delicate baLance, right? It's a bit of a dance. It's a bit of teasing, is it's too far, is IT too much? Like, you know, IT requires experience and most people don't have the opportunity to develop. And it's very easy to .

have the willingness to walk away when you somebody that has a lot of alternative and doesn't just mean other women, IT could be a life style that is alternative to being settle down. But when you are somebody that doesn't have many alternatives, that willingness to walk away decreases. So I do understand it's very difficult for men to have the but without the willingness to walk away, you will look for a man that does have the willingness to walk away. You look for a man that does have boundaries because we need them as women.

It's strange. And I also understand that IT must be ruthless to think, well, I would really like a nice guy. Maybe your last relationship was with some dude that was in very avoidance, uh, like masculine in a non supporting way and you think, okay, well, i'll go for a nice day.

I go for a guy that's a bit more liable and a lot more agreeable. And then if what you're saying is true and you end up presenting them, you go, that was not what I wanted either. So I must be difficult. IT must be difficult. Essentially.

what we truly want is a man whose decision making on his own is one that we can naturally submit to. What I mean by that is, if I have to tell you to do this, that the other you listen to me, I don't respect you anymore, because if I had to tell you you listen to me, I am Better than you are making decisions. I'm more powerful than you.

I don't feel protected. You simply have to be a man that could literally take a goal by hand and lead into whatever lifestyle is, but you feel safe knowledge. But if you're the type of guy is like second guessing himself, if you're second guessing yourself and then submitting to me is we automatically don't find that attractive.

That can be the same for every girl. Alright, there must be a spectrum .

of women IT IT works well for women who are planning to manipulate him. So the women that are planning to manipulate, planning to use a man, they love this guy without boundaries. The one, the girl that genuinely wants to have a connection with you, build a family with you, have a network with you, SHE actually wants you to have a background and wants you have an opinion.

The one that's planning to not stick around too long, the one is planning to be with keeping touch with another guy, the guy, a girl that wants an aluminium as the kids arrive. That's the one that wants you to be this. People please have bend over backwards, do everything I say.

yeah. What about people please? Is more generally on the girl side and on the guy side.

Well, I guess they would be a similar match. But what I happen with with two people, please, is like whether woman is just a nice girl and the guy is just a nice guy. They don't create an authentic connection because neither of them are giving each other the glue or the vulnerability to attach.

One thing, i'll just do what you want OK, i'll just do what you want. We don't know each other. We're just a comfort blanket. But one of them at least has to be a bit disGrace to create that connection. Give you glue, attach, so tune, two people freeze.

Don't use to you. Did you watch succession? No, I didn't. okay. So it's pretty this series on H, B, O. And I think it's really early on, maybe the one of the first few episodes in the first season.

And this tyrannical father is pointing at his only daughter who's just got married to a guy who's very liable, at least for the first few seasons, unbelievably liable, right? He is a bit of a social climate at the potential future husband, bit of a social climate. He kind of wants to be a part of the crew, so to speak. Uh, and he says, the dad is just fucking going around the room like, this is something I don't like about you and this is something I don't like about you he points to shift the daughter and he says, you married to a man that beneath you, because you're terrified of being betrayed.

fucking .

painful. But in that moment I saw something that very true, you know, the people that are scared of losing their partner yeah, a lot of the time will take down aggressively, date down because they know that they're so far ahead of what that partner would typically be in a relationship with which have its largely resources and money in access, which is kind of strange because the dynamics flip typically from the way would be but um yeah that just that really is I quite of the most brutal insults insult both of them at the same time with one thing you married demand that beneath you because you're terrified of being .

betrayed and it's very true a lot of women and um use that strategy. But the problem is you must guarantee the divorce if I marry someone beneath me to prevent him cheating on me. That doesn't change the other aspect that is required for a healthy relationship, which is bringing an equal value to each other's life and when one feels like they are married, but below IT IT doesn't work either. The true connection comes when you both bring equal value and you don't and you choose to be with each other rather than, you know, he can't do any Better or he can't do any Better.

Eventually, that catches up because a person with low office steem who feels like they've never been punching, eventually starts to get so much low team that they might seek EXO validation so they might be more likely or more likely to to betray you because at some point they can feel that you know， they know that you know that you above them and that most of the team can create delete. Unfortunately, there isn't really a cure to other than true connection. But one thing I would say about people pleasing, they say that it's link to an absent father.

They say that people of what having having a father figure does is that rough and tumble kind play in that harsh criticism get you in the habit of speaking truth, even if it's not the nicest thing to do. Whereas the absence of that can actually make you think that you're going to offend because it's easy to offend. Mom is hard to end that. So when you get in use to that rough and tumble kind of verbal and education with fathers, IT prepares you for the real world of where you are less sensitive and more likely to be truth. Or rather than people pleasing.

What about the opposite then what about treat them mean, keep them cane as opposed to people pleasing?

Again, another tactic um that's very much advocated in the current dating but is again counterproductive because the moment you treat people mean, you filter out healthy people. Healthy people don't stick around to be treated badly. That doesn't go in line with their template of relationship.

Healthy people have a template of relation that requires mutual respect. Now when they would, somebody who treats them mean they filled to themselves out. They understand they might work on IT feel little bit, but they recognize where they they not welcome.

Um when you're treating the mean, keeping them, kem, you're attaching to somebody that has incredibly lost office, deem, who expects to be treated like this. Who will then when you when you stop playing that game and actually want to commit to that person, or particularly that girl, she'll become boletus self sabotage. Because you so used to be treated mean commitment, doesn't actually feel good, IT feels unfamiliar.

So you'll recreate some chaos in order to create the separation. Because treating them me and keeping them came doesn't work. Unfortunately.

I, do you think many women can be friends?

Guess I do. Do you think they can be friends?

I've seen IT go both ways more times than not. IT seems to mess up, but it's it's not impossible. I've got a number of friends who have managed to do that totally platonically.

Do you have feeling friends?

Do you have feeling friends? I do. I do have some.

Yeah but they mostly kind of from the industry, from podcasting make petition is probably one of my closest friends on the planet. Um yeah so it's something but I think it's tough. I think it's tough.

What do you think makes IT tough about the line .

between what you have and what you're familiar with when IT comes to guys and goals and the line of romantic desirability is pretty fine and IT only needs to be confused by one party for the relation for the friendship to break down, right? He doesn't need both people to want you to have. If both people wanted to happen, the friendship turns into relationship. If one person wants IT to happen.

the friendship no longer friendship.

you ve got a lot of different ways. And then let's forget that. Let's say that one of either people gets into a relationship with someone that isn't in the friendship yeah, then it's like two more people that can have a problem.

You can't see that person anymore. I don't like IT when you go her house. I don't like IT when you spend time with him. So that so many different ways that this can go wrong. I understand .

one thing I would like to point out about that, because men can never understand why females can have male friends, but we tend to believe that we can have male friends. And the reason why we kind of think like this is because we would rather have somebody, a friend who secretly loves us than a female friend that secretly hates us. And you d guys don't have to experience that.

You see, when men don't like each other, they separate from each other. Women, when they don't like each other, they they'll make reservations together and they'll still go on holidays together and they'll still keep in each other other's lives. So when we crave male friendships is because you don't know the pain. Honestly, pain sounds be exaggerated, but the difficulty in finding good female friendships that are not as easy for us were men. If they play a sport together, they can pretty be friends for us.

You can do everything the right with a female dance all IT takes ah you know a birthday gone wrong or a boyfriend that they don't like or a boyfriend that they both like um and the entire friendship is destroyed and there's a safety in a male friendship that we can't find any female friendships because it's very difficult to find women that are totally not threatened by you in any way shape from by other women. And does even when you are not saying just when you're attractive, even you are less attractive, you to our friends similar level of attractiveness that there is a former threat even ah so that's the first thing I think women can why women can have Better friendships with men. The other thing is I just think if you are A A woman or a man of value beyond your sexual kind of a proud, if you have got something other to offer, isn't IT natural that men, women, old, Young, everybody, y's onna, gravity towards and wana be around you?

I just think it's natural, is a natural consequence of being a valuable person, is that people gravitate, ate towards you, and the male and female form, they will gravity towards you. So to kind of have an orbital role that you can't have mine and can't have female IT would only work if your personality is limited. If you have a limited personality from a girl that only talks about her make up, of course, I can already have female friends. Pretty find a woman that can have a lot of different type of conversation is natural to be able to connect with different type of people.

These two things that makes me think about, first, I had the director of relationship science from hinge logan uri on the show about year and a half ago um and he taught me about um people confuse Spark in the beginning of relationship for something special without realizing that some people are just Sparked to everyone yes and that was a really interesting insight.

It's kind of like what you talking about here, right, that if you're somebody that's interesting and trust, wordy and of high value in the world, people are just going to gravitate told you because you're nice person to know you, you're useful, you're cool, you're fun to be around. You're interesting, right? So there are certain people who just suck others in.

Yes, right now. The second thing, have you heard of that over perception, on under perception, buyers of attraction. So this is really interesting in out of evolutionary psychology.

So men over perceive the level of attraction that they believe women have toward them, and women only perceive the lever of attraction that men have toward them, to referred to as a failure of cross sex mind reading. And this shows up very reliably in the data. David buss put this out in bad men, or men behaving badly, depending on which country you're in.

This is why a boss or a coworker will maybe maker an ungainly move apart from like the creeps like harvey understand stuff like that. Make an ungainly the move because they will believe that, oh yeah, you know how I is always linger on me. He always makes IT to the water cooler at the same time that I do.

She's always in printing her stuff in the cub on the same time that I do as well. Maybe I should try ask out. IT is much more useful for men to have a smoke alarm that goes off a lot and is wrong a lot, but is right every so often, right?

Because the Price of missing a potential signal is really high yeah and the cost of noticing a signal that there is essentially zero yeah right. The reverse. For women in speed dating, they did this.

They put man and women down at the speed dating event. Ask both of them, how attracted were you to the other one? Women regularly rated that they were way less attracted to the man than the man. And the reverse.

True to this is the failure across sex.

Mind reading and IT explained so much about the world that many women in inhabit, because we don't. You have IT the same world. I don't see my interaction with you the same way that you see your interaction with me. And this reliably smear across an entire population is why many women understand each other, because we do not have the same brains, and we don't see the world the.

you know, but when I do deal with clients who are, you know, men who are very lonely and who struggle with female connection, I do awesome. Do you have any female friends? And the answer is invariably no. And I always say that you need them and that I know we shouldn't be friends. Little many women can be friends.

And I said, but their training ground for women in the real world, because when you have female friends, they teach you what things upset women, what things upset, and make them happy, what they mean by when they take slowly, when they text bars, when they don't take at all. They teach you so much that you can't learn from women directly, because when a woman is in love with a man, SHE can't help you play stupid games because it's part of a protection strategy. Say, what you'll do is say she's done when she's not done, or say, SHE doesn't wana sleep with you when he doesn't sleep with you.

You'll say the opposite, what you treat means. But having female friends helps you. You understand this human psychology behind a woman, in a way, the experiences, direct experience with them went. So that's why I actually say, because so many of my male friends, would you like this girl just do that means he wants you to do trans.

You can the code.

not the matter, speak code.

yeah. Well, I said destiny, who you should speak to at some point.

So I think you guys think great way. He said that .

someone asked him what the best piece of dating advice is he could give to guys. And he says, during high school, have lots of female friends. He apparently just home with this big group of guys and girls and had tons of female friends and did exactly what you said. Female friends for guys are like low stakes test relationships.

I, I growing up, all my friends, women, and I still have A A really large cycle of mile. Friends, my birthday every year, my a thing .

you just in. As far as i'm aware, the typical muslim family would have like the fuck and uncles the road.

We do have a big male dominance in our in our world. Uh, technically we we shouldn't really be interacting opposite and I I shouldn't be, but I do be. So I do. And I have a huge and then, but the thing is, what I meant is I have a paths of understanding about the male psych that I could never get from a textbook 啊。 People will say to me, when IT comes to my content online, they said, you have a very unique r perspective.

How do you know this? And I said, honestly, because I have so many males around me and I have an interest in them, so I have loads of those other questions and understand their relationships. So I meet, they go, friends, I understand.

So IT gives me up to date data about what's going on with men. And but I am, I am bias, because what happens is I naturally only know men who are confident, but I don't know what the psychology as much of the guy that stuck in his mum's basement and addicted to pornography. And I think i'm learning that by how triggered they get by certain conversations online. So I just think IT, like destiny said, IT definitely does give you a framework of understanding the mill brain that you can't get through all the women.

That would be an unbelievably unpopular piece of advice to give to a lot of the manual here to say that one of the best things you could do would be to be friends with women, so that it's a low stakes training ground for finding A A partner down the line, because it's kind of common advice that you don't need any women in your life that like, all you need is your boys.

What can I ever get from a woman at such a seta? Those this massive debate, did the sexual revolution fail? That happens this week in L.

A. And one of my friends, Lewis Perry, was on one of the side crimes was opposite. Her time delay was there was mediated by barrie wise, rob henderson.

One of my friends who did this earlier on, amazing says there's lots of discussion at the sexual revolution, debate about whether the revolution failed men or failed women, or helped men more than women, or helped women more than men. Nobody asked whether the sexual revolution failed children. People already know it's too depressing .

of a topic absolutely accurate. IT basically failed both genders, but when you failed both genders, you fail children because they're the remnants of two broken people. So I think it's massively failed children, but I think in some ways it's definitely favourite.

The man that has no desire to invest and have responsibility, the only man that favors from this is he gets a bunch women to have low enough self steem that they will be able to allow him access without any investment. Meanwhile, while he's, he can then go on to meet the gli actually wants to be with what's this girl is happy to come up for A M after night out. So it's the opposite of feminism, is allowing men free rain over females. And whilst investing very, very little, I don't know, tricked women into thinking that this is benfica. Al, but whoever did is probably a man.

And then down the line from that, y've also managed to trick women into believing that is fine for the guide to stay at home and play video games and make sure that the standard is are done all day. You can go out and on the money yeah I mean, it's like it's such a trope, but people make these funny tweet online about how the patriarch is so powerful that can't women into providing for men here.

And the other thing broke about this quite recently, pushing the bisexuality only again.

benefits in .

pornography. There is a lot of emphasis on girl, on girl. And there's a lot of three sims, and so and so for any my personal seeing, a lot of straight women engage in three some activities, primarily to please the man, but theyll convince themselves that they like girls, but they only seem to like girls in the presence of their partner.

That they suggested the three some, and they only seem to like the girl that they are partner had an insight into selecting and and you know, it's not true by sexuality, because when the husband or their partner, not there, they no longer have this interesting women. And also when they really care about the guy, they don't engage in the seasons. I don't know when they love the guy a lot, they don't wants to share him.

But if you were truly by the sector, wouldn't have that jealousy because you'd like this is an equal pay field. I also get to touch the goal. But what I think that happen is the rise and kind of experimenting, sexual experimenting, is, again, only benefiting men. I know so many men there are in open relationships where he can lead with all the women, but he can lead with all the men, but he can sleep with all the women who benefits from that. He get to to the .

presumption is that they're not actually bye xul, right? IT does seem looking at some of the data like women are more bytes xul than men are genuinely bicycle ual, at least self identifying outside of relationship. But E, S, I would I would agree that I was surprised with this rise of the one sided open relationship in in Austin.

There's a lot of marriages where were open, but its only goals and its only went well together. Maybe maybe this is what they want. Curious what the .

data would be among the women who've never watched porn in their level of bisexual. I I would imagine women who have never watched porn, they would have lower rates of bisexuality than women who have are addix or watch regularly and who are partner with men whose also make the suggestion about reasons. I would wonder how many women without the external influenced because we've been taught for many, many years in the recent data that homosexuality by sexualities innate and it's something you're born with. But if the advent of pornography increased IT, then how you must have some external forces behind that?

Yeah, well, this one of the legitimation for this is the left hundred, this argument, and it's used for trans people. But IT might apply here. I kind of useful frame self telephone.

Let me spend a Young. So during the midday ages, people who were left handed was seen as being touched by the devil. They were seen as being witches, right? Uh, so IT caused lots of people who would have been left handed to hide their left hand.

And they want their true cells as the world began to realize that being left handed wasn't associated with being which you a wizard that was relying inuki shed. And I think the percentage wrote from less than five to run, about twelve percent of the population is left handed. That's that are being that true cells.

There is an argument made that one of the reasons, one of the justifications for increase in transfer s and transfer ts is that previously the judgement of society created a glass ceiling that made people keep IT away because they were worried about being judged. Now that the judgment is being released, i'm free to be my open. And on the south.

I in terms of change, that doesn't explain the suicide rate still being be the same, but despite the world now accepting IT. So there will be underlying mental health concern that may have then be a press to the gender can not identify in terms of bisexuality.

What I would then ask is, if we have now removed the stigma of biosecurity ality, why are not more men saying to their wives? Can we add a man to the mix? Can we have IT where, you know, you can see a lot of men, and I can see a lot of men. Why is that not being seen a sexy?

That is a strange though.

experiment to consider. How can your friend come in you to do things? And I just watch that doesn't happen even are not sitting there telling their husband can you tell your friend to come over and youtube just do I promise I won't involved the way men do.

How do you think I think is definitely a cemetery going on here. Yeah, with how men see that partner, their female partner, being with another female? yes. How do you think women would perceive their male partner being with another man?

There's no going back from that. For most women, they once is got once he is. For most women, I am not speaking of all women, but once they see the man go, because the the thing is, women, when they provide each other with sexual stimulation, is nothing really a man can do also, but when a man provides another man with sexualization, women can't compete with them is a completely different experience.

So therefore we are like, you don't like you. There's nothing I can do for you. Yeah, you're at the wrong shop.

pierson. You have to go back to with women. I think when men are watching women, there's nothing that they can do to each other. That that he can't .

really get involved in is something strange. I don't know why, but IT feels like a one way street that goes in opposite directions. A woman that bisexual, every man presumes that it's just a phase, and that sh'll go back from a liquid die onto a solid diet eventually.

Every man that's bisexual, yeah. A more man that by sexual, I considered to just be in the closet, but have not fully committed to doing IT. Yeah yeah.

And I don't know where this comes from. I have no idea whether or not this actually shown up in the data. There's definitely more bytes xuan women and there's more gay men yeah I know this.

I from speaking to bye xuan men, they say they if they are bisexual, they end up just choosing homosexuality because they know women don't really accept by that's interesting.

So it's not necessary. What they want is what they can get.

In my experience of working in bytes. Xuan man, usually the byzantine, and is not always, but can be linked to some child sexual abuse. We charted, and the data also also supported. And the rates of adult sexual abuse, at least to buy sexuality men, is higher than amongst eos xul. So usually what happens, they may have a experience, some abuse by uh uh, uh somebody of the same gender.

And what happens is as a result of the experience, IT still creates a template of sexual desire that they do, they, they are to expLoring as an adult, as a way of reducing the traumatic. We've been traumatized anyway. We think we can read and traumatize ourself is by voluntarily, like we traumatizing self.

So they end up expLoring a little bit or being bit curious instead. But maybe they were actually had roseum, but that trauma let the mistake. And if they wanna go back to being hit, sexual women on is accepting. And so they end up sometimes it's .

just going it's a brutal situation that you get into because you have to either choose to be untruthful to your partner if they ever ask about your sexual history or agree to open up about something that you're fear about how they're going to respond kind of the same as the sort of one way street of doing only funds or sex work as a woman, that you are gonna have to concede that in future, or are they gonna have to tell your partner and and deal with the potential ramifications of that, or you're gonna have to not tell him and .

when it's a partner that they accept. IT knows about IT. He used you when that would. The only fans is a somebody who's addicted pornography, and IT almost likes that. But the man that addicted to pornography is very difficult for an only fans woman to be with, because they using men who still require a novel team and still require more women, and so and so enhances the loss of team for, unfortunately.

there is this stat that I put in my newsletter this week in voluntary childlessness. Ss is a mae problem too. Twenty five percent of men over forty two do not have children.

Five percent more than women of the same age group, almost forty percent of experienced depression, twenty five percent feel a deep anger. There is a lot of publicity, quite rightly, about women and childlessness. But men are very mute about this. And that was in the guardian. 哇哦。

and I completely agree, because one thing that men are online, the voice online to kind of shame women is, well, you don't have kids. You don't have kids. But unfortunately, who suffers more from when? Not then, when then you don't have kids.

What they find is women without kids and without marriage. And I think about some people that more than men than don't have marriage and kids, because marriage and kids gives men a perfect and meaning that they can't derive from anything else. That gives them the motivation to work harder IT gives them the motivation to do those hard jobs that pay more IT gives them A A will to live um with women.

We can still find connections with our friends and family and parents, and we can spread out our connections. But if you look at most men, like if you look at your father's and like, you know that generation without their wives, they're bit lost. I know my dad would not know what to do with this day.

My mom was in around. And at the as they age, one of the things that doctors always say the first thing that as as you get older, you go to the doctors, the L. C.

T, have you got a wife? And even when my dad, when they do check, have you got a wife, they because why? Because the rate of healing after surgery is faster and quicker. When you have a wife and you write, a recovery from cancer is Better. When you have a wife, somebody checking in on you does a lot for a man because they don't get that from their social network as much as women do. So woman aging alone, i'm not saying as a good thing, but if she's more adapted to IT than a man aging alone, who then starts to self sabotage and actually kind of a life becomes a slow suicide for them.

I had look at doctor Robert walda, the guy who is currently heading the longest ever longitudinal study of happiness and marriage seems to add about four years of lifespan to a man. For a woman, it's run about the same. So men get for all of the marriage is a terrible deal for guys.

She's onna. Take everything in the divorce. And I don't get me wrong, a lot of divorce and it's it's not great for either party, but the deal for man is really fucking good. You want to live four years longer, like find a partner .

and but one thing I would say that the family laws are so horrible in certain countries and i'm a big advocate for marriage, but mainly because I come from a spiritual and religious background, but from a non religious back. And I can see why IT seems like a death sentence to get the law involving to get married, because he can walk away with the law, even if, like he was to blame. So I can understand where the fear comes from. But you almost have to take that risk in order to to get the reward of a stable responsible.

The risk is the risk is increasing, and the reward has stayed the same.

The risk can be mitigated by a good selection. When you start trusting your decisions, you'll be less likely to be fearful of these consequences. But when you make poor decisions, of course.

everything is a risk. Why do you think there's this generalized culture of N T. Children and family creation at the moment. I wonder where .

that standing from, I do think is a sad reality. I don't know where that's coming from. I just think the reality is a many alternatives to having kids. You can travel. You can really become something.

If you want to become famous, you can become famous, you can travel the world, you can make a lot of money, you can do all of these things. But you know, if you speak to people who have even, you know, scored goals in the world cup, theyll still tell you that the best moment of their life when the child is born. So I think it's a really negative thing to place um to kind of put on society.

I think the reality is when you know that you're going to have kids, you have to take more responsibility of your life, you have to save more money, you have to look after your health, that gives you a will to live. Remove that from you is that is a slow and steady self server tage. When you don't have any children for the rest of your life, anything can never gona have them.

Essentially, you could be a correct and no one's gona watch you. Where is when you have children is an automatic therapy. You have to fix your traumas.

You have to fix in itself charging behaviors. So you're depriving in yourself of reaching your full potential when you completely write that off. I I believe I could .

be wrong with that. I you are preaching to the quire. I think it's really great. All of my friends that have become fathers theyve stepped up in a way that I am impressed buying like were they were hit as before and y're even bigger hit is now, yeah. Which is why IT surprises me that there is this generalized, anti children, anti family .

creating culture is really good, like sometimes, you know, and are, I know, are in trouble with the law and stuff. Sometimes when they have children is the only way to get them off the streets, because you see the only thing that gives them that motivation that they can't find outside of IT. But so if you are feeling, maybe it's you need to do have a kid.

But I understand what eating as well, that there is this kind of mass individualism. I think some of the most common reasons is to why people aren't being in relationships at the moment, working on myself right now, just don't feel ready yes, so of biding my time.

So to speaks the childish.

It's just it's a focus on the individual um and it's very isolationist. It's very atomized. It's all about the individual on their own. And I don't get me wrong.

You know, if you spend your time, maybe you work working from home, post covered, um maybe your job doesn't actually require to interact with that many other people and maybe you're doing you all through slack, through zoom. You don't need to really leave the house that much anymore. You can dash your food.

You can amazon prime, whatever is that you need. You can stay on the couch and watch netflix. We've become more isolated than I think that, that trend almost causes us to justify more isolationism um and IT also IT called extended our lessons or slow life strategy that gene twangy found.

And this is just never really get into the stage of growing up. You know Young people are getting the driver's licences later, that starting work later, that moving out of the house later, like the most common living arrangement for men. And the edge of thirty is still being home with the parent.

yeah. And this is one of the things I, you know, I get lots slack on for online because I talk a lot about age gaps and sometimes Young women know they go for older men and they're say, yeah, but he's forty and twenty twenty two but at least you'll be more responsible and we will seat down responsible. Well, maturities is not defined by aid, is defined by how much responsibility.

And I always say if he's got to forty, forty, no kids, no marriage under his belt, he chosen that Peter pan live star no twenty three old is gna come along and wake him up. He's chosen. And to be that man, are you sure you wanna with them? You Better off with a third year old that's got more responsibility than a forty five years who has that because if you think a number defines maturity, your lost the reality is, is the amount of responsibility, particularly responsibility and care for others.

So if he's supporting family, he's supporting, uh, next wife or he was married, you had kids IT does something to mean IT kind of creates uh uh a level of responsibility and accountability that they can't get without that. So I do always tell women don't be afraid of being with a man that had kids or a man that you have been married. They're Better than the ones that had no baggage, because baggage is responsibility. Which is that accountability for man.

Do you think the same is true in reverse?

No, unfortunately, he doesn't work the same way with women. Not always IT can sometimes, but IT doesn't always work the same way. Because women, when they have children, a good women with healthy women, actually prioritize the children first informers.

And if he does, one of the priorities is becoming the super cautious of the man that SHE allows to enter into the man's world, and how she's a really good mother. He tries to keep a good compared ting relationship with the ex, and a lot of men don't feel comfortable with that. But the true good woman, like the single mom that you should be looking for, is the one that got a good relationship without x husson.

What men do is they prefer the woman that he has no contact with the x and the kids have never seen the x and they think, oh, i'll go for that girl at least. Eg, baby, father. Is not around that a signal that SHE deprives or prevents children from connecting with their father? That's not a good thing.

That's not a Green flag, but actually a red flag. So what men are doing is sometimes a selecting women and thinking, she's got children, but he doesn't let the kids see her dad and they did not in his life and he was a bomb. But what does that tell you about her selection process and what does that tell you about her ability to co parent? It's an insight into what would happen if you too broke up.

You won't exist for those children is not a healthy mother. A healthy mother is who cheated on me. He was all four years and work, but the kids need their father.

I drop me maybe friday. That's the healthy mother. But men don't interpret single motherhood the way they should.

Yeah, do you have any idea how farthermost ssz impact boys and girl's behavior and what they what they look for when they grow up and start dating with women?

They definitely is the problem women have when they grow up without a farther fish. And if they really feel IT is they're always take a lot older men, so they'll be seventeen, eighteen years old and they're looking at the thirty eight in a thirty five road and they are getting order in order. There's a huge gap between them.

Now my experience of working with women that go for these age gap relationships is they are in survival mode without a father. They need the safety and comfort. And the conversations that we Normally find really boring coming from our father about mortgage rates and like, you know, saving your money, they sexualize those conversations.

So when they hear IT from an old man, they are like, all he's so is they are not used to IT. So they end up initially going for the older man and falling in love. But once they feel safe and they got the money and they got the safety, they then look for men around their own age, they end up it's like it's almost like having a safe, secure base.

Once you're got older father figure in your life, then you go on to see what you've sexy attracted to. But until you got that secure base, you're in survival mode. You're looking for who can make you feel safe, not who can make you feel who you attracted to. So they confused, they black the lines between attraction and safety, and they end up looking for an order mand than cheating on him with a Younger.

Do you think that they over prioritize? So the economic status.

yeah and that regards this. So I understand why because they don't have a backup plan. When you grow up with your father, you know at some point you'll help you when things get rough for you'll leave something for you and stuff.

And IT naturally creates a level safety. They don't have that safety. And usually that if they come from a single mom home, she's also encouraging her to look for a rich man because IT benefit her as well.

They using some kind of like support network OK, you can come with us. And so so they come from a culture of, you know, you don't have to love a man. All men are annoying and are difficult, so just choose one that's gonna give you a good life.

So they end up focusing on social economic omy status. But they also end up with memory low of steam, because a man with high self esteem at forty years old would recognize he's got nothing in common with a twenty two years old who makes tiktok all day. He wouldn't have any intellectual intimacy. So SHE ends up with an older man with a low surface steam, who, when he does cheat on him, will still take her back and so on, and sofa, who pays every bill, whatever. So, so, so again, SHE ends up with a man that he doesn't respect in the long run, but really admires initially, because he provides .

that without safety. She's been craving, yeah, told me about this book, been reading to do the alien.

Well, the thing is I was looking into parental and only because I see is so much going on. But one of the things punishments women use for a man that that he feels has let her down is depriving her, him, of access to the children. Now the problem I see happening is with the children of such mothers, especially the men of such mothers, they go on to have very, very abusive relationship.

So when you go with single to block the access, they end up with women who are very abusive. Either they're unfaith or they financially abuse them or they just they physically abusive. They grow with very they end up selecting very abusive a women.

And from my observation, from what i'm reading, IT looks like what happens is when you've been deprived of a father, and you've only heard mum side of the story, what happens as they put their mom on a pedestal, they think mom's women are the innocent victims of harsh men. So what happened is they pray to women that needs saving. They always gravitate towards women that they can save and help and nurture.

Man was terrible. I've got you. I'm going to, i'm going to show you what life looks like because i've been doing that to mom my whole life.

The problem with those women is they are broken beyond you. You can't fix them. Most women can't receive they. They haven't something broken that they need to fix themselves. But the man that thinks he can save her is the one that's a little bit more delusional.

And he gets himself as seeing from seeing her now I love him so unfortunately ends up going for very broken women that end up we abusing him. And he he ends up not having those boundaries that he needs with women. So they end up in very poor relationships when they've been raised by a mother that blocks .

access to others. You often hear about the reverse, about women who look for the guy that broken. But I can fix him and I can hold on. Why do you think that happen?

We hear a lot with women and happens and man as well. We hear a lot in women because is a huge ego boost, knowing that a man used to be a player, but for you he changed. Or he used to be into ja, but for you he changed.

He is a reality. You're competing with people's childhood, not other women. If i've got a man that's really broken and he sleeps around and he's doing drugs, whatever IT is, and I think i'm going to fix him and i'm going to be a special person, i'm competing with this child traumas.

You can't compete with somebody sh chartered d essentially you're always going to lose. Now whatever caused that addictive behavior or that abusive behavior still exist before you. You are not the therapist and you are not the cause of the wind.

So don't take on that role. You're not only onna hurt you, so the best thing you can do is support them while they hit, but to attribute his healing to you as a person is a form of notices. M, you wanting to feel good by his healing, not for the sake of him healing, but for you to get an ego boost to know that you could do IT. And it's not the way to do IT.

I was looking at a bunch of headlines that come out recently to do with reality T. V. Dating shows.

What do you think are the lessons that Young people are taking about love, given how many reality T. V. Shows are to do with coupling up and breaking up and making up.

It's about winning. Yeah, it's all about competition. Essentially what we've done is taken love intended into a game show. There's no way that won't have a chickle down effect on society.

What we learning is to cheat on them before they can cheat on you, get to cost more, couple up before they can do IT themselves. So essentially, we're going into relationships, treating our partners as opponents. And who can win in the Price of this kind of competition is who can be the lonely fastest.

Who can create the lonely, lonely a relationship faster? Who can get single faster? So if I cheat on you first, or if I don't take back first or find IT, I win.

But what are you winning? Was trophy of these games. Trophy is a lifetime of lonely. So unessential, we've made the Price. Depression is the prize of depriving itself of love, unfortunately. Yeah, I mean, you could experience and and did you find that you became a competition while you're in there?

So I was pretty bored for most of me, for all of my experience on love island. I was also going through an existential crisis because I was faced with a bunch of people that I thought I was. I was adamant that I was this big name on campus party boy.

And then I go in love island, and I faced with people who are the role that I was pretending to be, and I just read palo quo s the alchemist as well, is like the first book I write in a decade. So it's kind of in this weird. I had this weird out of body experience for a good chunk of that time, where all of these things were going on, and there were story lines or whatever.

And all I was thinking about was this guy, if anyone does not read the alchemist by political, this Young shepard boy, going on a journey of self discovery, trying to find out who he is. And that really, really spoke to me at the time. And I was in the south coast of me, orka, which is spain, and he was in the middle summer, and I was read this book during the media lockdown week, and then went in in this total fucking fever dream yeah um so my experience of love, and I don't think is perfectly representative, some of the things that I did realize what that IT teaches Young people, that love is a game to be played.

That loyalty is both super important and also unbelievably disposable at the same time. Like think about when love ireland comes on TV in the U. K.

I'm team such a search, right? Like cardio or whatever, like like stress, like you, like whatever way that yeah they try do that thing. I'm team this.

And then as soon as one person decides going to move on, typically if it's a guy, he's being totally unfair. If it's a girl maybe that do as obama. If he was cute or like sweet, then that was her fault. And SHE i've done IT IT so IT IT IT encourages people to make very quick decisions, the fall very hard, very fast to have loyalty, but only kind of have loyalty to someone who's likeable like a lot of people like unlikeable people deserve relationships too you know mean like everybody needs somebody um yeah it's IT really.

Does the popularity contest even in the E.

S S, because do you get .

real emotions, like real jealous?

I didn't have a single romantic emotion in, but I had a lot of romance, no romance, but a lot of romance, right? Well, those in that I cried when I left because I was missing my boys like I didn't want to leave my boys behind. And I had this really intense emotional experience.

I'd, you know, spend lot of time I really connected with guys while I was there. But I, the girls would perfectly pleasant. But I wasn't particularly .

I just wasn't I really .

was not attracted to any of them. I was we kept on saying when the girls were coming in, everybody had a type, right? And I I I don't think that we'd read necessarily all of the guises. And in the fact that there is a single relationship from.

no, even the winners.

even the winter is last, thank you. Less time than anybody else. So married at first sight. Have you .

seen the story familiar? okay.

So for the people that don't know, the trans gender bride said to take married at first site U. K. By storm transition age twenty one and N H. S. Hospital before spending fifty thousand pounds on cosmetic surgery to be taken seriously as a woman male online can reveal today channel for views will see alan Morgan, twenty nine, who was born, evan Morgan weed, a male contestant I made a roll over whether the groom was told first or not miss Morgan is shown in the trailer for married the first site telling her new husband her big secret after they married having admitted her transition has made her fear rejection after being treated as a dirty secret in the past. However, channel four has now revealed that they did tell the man in advance who will be marrying a trans woman.

IT is understood that the man is furious with how the broadcast treated him during the show and afterward, but the beauty and fashion consultant from bristol say he is determined to be the star of the show to shed light on the struggles and reality of being trans, adding, we're not freaks or mentally ill. I'm still just like any other girl. Going to be difficult to comment on this one .

side is going to be difficult trying to see how I can behave and not offend. But is the reality of IT, if I was even if I was born a woman and whatever, I had millions of cosmetics procedures, and I have a higher risk of a depression because of the you, the lifestyle of chosen A, A man has every right to know them and has every right to say, it's not for me, it's not for me.

I wouldn't be with at somebody who was born a woman because it's just not for me, a hetrick ual woman and i'm entitle to identify as now um what I find the thing is if it's really painful to be and it's a lot of suffering, I don't think it's good for T V. To kind of capitalize on that for views. And I use that as somebody suffering as a form of use.

But I also say that IT IT does make you different from other women. If you're saying the trans struggle IT was really hard for in your childhood, and you found IT really depressing, that makes you different to the woman that grew up in the body SHE identifies with. So to say that you're on par with the typical woman is not true, because you ve gone through a different type trauma that we haven't.

So essentially, you're never gonna like a woman, not even just physically, but also psychological. You're never going to be like a woman, and it's okay to never be like a woman. It's okay. The thing that I find difficult to understand about the whole trans debate is one for many decades we were told gender is a social construct. Just this imaginary thing that .

we've been told that decay, yeah.

we've been told, is a social contract. Every saying is a social contact. The liberals are saying is a social contact. But then if you say that you identify as the opposite gender, they give you biological treatment.

And if it's a social construct, essentially you only identifying as a social contract, you don't need to change your biology. IT does not make any sense is like saying that your a football team we useful is a social construct. I don't need to change my biology to be a man united support because essentially the social contract. So if gender is a social construct, why do we need a transition?

I think the the argument on the side of the fence would be, I want my outer appearance to reflect my inner experience.

Then why not change your inner experience rather than outer?

Don't know that they have control of that.

but that's no different to, for example, of analects will genuinely believe that they are fastest person on the world they identify as well. Now the reality, i'm going to give them a liposuction so that their brain and the body are lined. I have to look at the psychological defect that caused them to be an alias, focus on the psychology facts, and if that doesn't like them, we can look at biological procedures.

But the realities, I don't see how, when IT comes to analytic, I get that this, you know, self is not healthy, whatever is. But the same time, we know the suicide rates and transgenders is not healthy either. We're doing a disservice by simply giving them a shortcut to biological procedures while skipped psychological interventions.

Yeah, this, I had a hand bones on the show. He did a big investigation into kids, the gender identity, something service that was at the tavey stock clinic in the U. K.

That's recently being shut down. And then kind of we started again and then the restart kind of, I think had some controversy as well. And there is an unbelievable high percentage of autism and O C D and other sort of co psychopathology type things uh, in the tran's community.

And there is this big question that he asked, which was all people mentally disturbed because the trends, or are they trans because they are mentally disturbed? And there is A A question to be asked that if untreated autism, O T O C D or something like that, if that ended up getting treated, whether the gender is for I done stream from that would dissipate. And that I think that that would encounter in some of the real like hard line trans communities, I think that would encounter some chAllenges because they would say that almost by getting rid of the autism you deny in the person, hold of the transparent. Yes, because the deal legitimizes the gender is forever and almost makes IT like how the light bulbs and he gave us light, but also heat like, oh, the gender is for I was a side effect of autism. And we don't know we don't know the direction of causes here, but it's one of the most heavily contested, highly hot topic.

Would you be is like A A man that choose not to be with a transact woman in america?

Depends what you're talking about. I mean, this discussion of all you allowed to have your own preferences is fascinating, right?

You know, if you prefer blondes, is that somehow prejudice against Bennetts and gingers ah if you prefer tall goals, is that somehow prejudice against particular? Like the the line between the question of are you are you being either transformed c or homophily c by not dating somebody who is biologically the same sex as you but has transitioned IT seems like a slippery slope from there to just, well, why shouldn't you date somebody that self ideas yeah as that? No, I don't need to do the external comparison.

Do you know black White you feel well, yeah. So blaze a good friend. SHE looks more like a girl than a lot of post, right? But I don't know if he was to get into a relationship with somebody and not open up about SHE hasn't had botton surgery. So it's a surprise that waiting to visit you at some point yeah, it's a fascinating discussion. I do think that the not dating transitioned people is transport bic argument has kind of been gone.

Anybody that genuinely looks at that and says, yeah, you should date how we tell you today is is, again, like, does that mean that I have to take everybody and but why do I not have to be attracted to my video guy? You know, I mean, like i'm supposed I am alone to a preferences. Yeah and yeah IT IT becomes kind of a self defeating.

Every here about the study, we doctor money in the twins. So there was two twins that went to hospital to get python sized, but they accidentally burned the peno soft one. So what the doctors decided to do is raise a child.

They were both boys, but raise a child that had his business spent off as a woman, as a goal for the first seven years of life. They just put her addresses, made her believe that he was a girl. Everything was like, you're just to go.

But as the girl hit poverty, felt more and more like a boy. And I, remembering, being super, saying, I want to to be a boy. I feel like a boy I wanted play with, like the balls, and I want to play sport. And so eventually they told him the truth, and he went back to being a boy because he just the self discovery of your human, but eventually ended up committing suicidal because of the trauma. So the whole idea of playing with people's h gender, especially when they do pre poverty, because that study shows that soon as poverty hitting completely a boy again, so if you try block uh like like the homework before pot, you blocking them, they're discovery that might occur after homo's. This is quite a dangerous thing to do.

It's dangerous talking about dangerous things. Do you think that hot girls are more crazy?

always? Do you think hot girls are crazy in your experience?

I been quite a few hot kgb ls, but some of them can be very baLanced. But I will give me your treats on hot girls being crazy.

a very attractive woman. They don't get an insight the average man and how average men behave. They get an insight into men are incredibly intimidated by their beauty or incredibly lustful of their beauty. So they see men either kind of ignore them, so the quiet, good guys either just kind of been intimidated by them, but the loud garden is kind of a men or after them.

So they'll see guys leave their wives to be with you theyll see guys that will drop everything to kind of, you know, even if their golf ds, in the same way they quickly sticky the number they are, sea guys are arrested jobs, and, you know, if there your boss to be. So they seem men as these huge risk ers that will do anything to have sex with you. So what ends up happening is SHE is a nativity about a man he no longer thinks men are.

Father al SHE seen so many men break up whatever they have just to be with you and just to access. If he seen so many men who break them back just to touch you so what happens is when her husband now says to her just, there's a new colleague at work, her brain is that, well, every colleague at my work is always hit on me. Are you hit on this go? Or if her husband says i'm just going to the gym, he is my ever, I go to you.

Somebody hit some. So they end up being suspicious because they are privy to men at their worst when they are sexually attracted to a woman. They don't have that nativity that a more plane woman would have where SHE could walk fast.

A guy in a vokins I he doesn't harasses SHE know, is if you walk faster, a guy in a vini drops everything. So he sees men as more dangers than they are. And therefore he thinks her partner is more sexual than he might be. And as a result, he tends to be more intense and crazy and less not eve, but not the saying, more casata, I would say, yeah.

because he uses her experience about the world to predict what everybody else experiences about the.

And in her defense, beautiful women are also IT takes a certain level of confidence and a certain level of no fear, rejection to accessibility for go. So how pool of men tend to be the men? The ARM more likely .

to be unfaithful? Wow, that's interesting. So very attractive women are a selection effect for the kinds experiences that they have in life, the kinds of interactions that they have with other women. And are the men, presumably they've and see other, other women and threats.

Well, the well the'd experience, all the women seen them as threats, and they've seen the competitive nature of women.

And they've seen women because they think be for women, if you walk in to a room with a really beautiful woman, or the other beautiful woman will now start looking at you, thinking, but there must be something about, i'm sure they are looking anyway, but they would pay more attention because there must be something about risk, because she's unbelievable. So what ends up happening is beautiful women start to see how to suspect for other women can be. They're looking at your man there.

They're competing with you. Because to get a beautiful woman's man makes the other woman feel more attractive. If you walking with an absolutely twelve at a ten, and then you give me attention, I nothing, i'm pretty than her, so therefore I want your attention more than the guy that's with the girl is not that attractive. So we see this competitive nature, women, we see that we can put men, a women can put men on the map, and they see that men are very soft, and they give into beauty quite quickly, easily. So they lead to a trust issue that there is harder to kind of overcome.

So interest.

the psychology of an attractive woman is one that is very different to the psychology of a less attractive woman.

They're two different species. yeah. So you have women seeing other women primarily as enemies, though often gonna frosty to them. They're also kind of hyper aware of the power that they can be still on the partner that they with, which probably makes them a little bit tentative about giving that man that power because if they please select that .

particular type of man.

yes. And then you also said that these women being super attractive selects for a very specific type of guide that is sufficiently confident to go up and speak to you or men will make ridiculous and wild u turns in their life in an attempt to get to you, which also gives you a pretty unrepresented, tive experience of what most men are .

yeah and for and then when the looks started to fade is a harder transition for them. When the looks start to fade from a woman who is a quite plain SHE sees that as life. When the looks start to fade with an attractive woman, SHE sees IT as disastrous, because but a lot of the power has gone.

So they might, they not always, but they they might respond to with a lot more insecurity, especially after children. But if SHE has good values, SHE recognizes that though the looks are replaced with family connection, SHE doesn't have good values and her an identity is built on her appearance, you'll see that you'll go to more, more intense to kind of prove her attractiveness and that might lead to premise current. So her identity can't be designed. And around her looks, IT will make a very fragile.

it's rough. Being an attractive woman must be hard, like genuinely IT must be very difficult to try go through the world, because wid men, typically the value to the world doesn't wax and win in quite the same way. You know, IT starts off low. Even super attractive guys will remain being attractive for a very .

long time for you.

And you just have to sort of slow and steady increase, presumably, and then little dip out and then it'll start to .

even after wards. You don't lips, by that time you're so settled in life you don't care about for women. I can defer out earlier.

And there's a lot of talk about pretty privilege. And pretty privilege is and prepared that, but there's lots of disadvantages. And the main thing is people look for your floors a lot more. What happens when you are not attractive is people can accept what you're saying and doing and they don't really deal into.

But when you're attractive IT, there's an element of other get women or even men saying, well, I bet she's dumb well, I bet she's a hole or I bet they looking for the negative so much more and all those who I bet he's really arrogant and very vain. So you almost have to work against people's negative assumption of your character. As much as they make positive assumptions of your appearance, they make lots of negative assumptions about your character. So you are in a bit of a battle, and then is not as easier .

as I might look to all the people. I saw what I was a model a decade in a half in the U. K.

And I saw a lot of the girls almost counter signal they would turn up in the most slouchy clothes that they could, you know, they would purposely wear their hair up, they would purposely wear glasses, they wouldn't were revealing clothes. They would trying to act in ways that were more bookish sometimes as well. And if this could just be that personality, I could have been the girl I was around. But I also think there might be something going on here that are trying to count a signal I am more than just what i'm currently being paid for as a part of my career and more than just pretty face and more than just a longer y model, more than just someone .

that supposed to smile and giggling, look nice on camera and hard to meant to realize that, or is IT hard for them to like.

do and think that .

she's or they get overwhelmingly like attached to appearance.

So there's a big difference between beauty and hotness and most models, at least the ones that I was working with. IT wasn't sort of glamour stuff or underwear stuff that much. IT was in like fashion stuff. IT was like qc editorial go next door type thing. So IT was probably optimizing more for beauty than IT was for hotness yeah um and but certainly when IT comes to hotness, it's a fucking reality distortion field for men right? And this is what we were said. This is the word that was coming to my mind as you're talking about this, that the reality of A A very, very hot woman is like a sphere that follows around her, just distorting all of her experiences with women, with men at restaurants, getting into nightclubs, with careers.

everything. Yeah, the super hot, sexy woman gets IT probably the worst because they activate a man shorter made strategies. They have long term meeting strategies with who they want a family with, short term who they just anna make with, and they activate that in a men.

So a really sexy girl activate among short term meeting. And you'd also activate threats and women now women's usual threats um when they when they threatened with a woman is to go protect well, suggest that she's promising. So they might say them to the man, oh yeah, but he is really promised is not realizing that actually makes her more .

attractive .

to them because I like what i'm really looking for a short term saying. But the man, when his short term market strategies are activated, that's exactly what he's looking for. So SHE ends up with men who just want short term mating strategies. And as a result, he starts to see men as seeing disposable and therefore IT. IT can be really negative for .

the hot and sense about why IT would be hard to have a Normal, a Normal minds. I'm aware that it's easy.

Yes.

it's easy to throw shade like our hot girls crazy like it's easy to just throw at them. But what this is why I like these kinds of conversations, because IT really helps everybody to understand the experienced psychology, you know, the lived experience of somebody that on that side of the fence, and you can say, are pretty privileged. The halo effect, know she's getting in for free at nightclubs and blah ba and I get.

But what if she's got zero female friends? And what if you can't find a female friend that doesn't see her is an enemy, an adversary or a competitor? What if every single guy that he spends time with is terrified to speak to her? Or is it's just it's so interesting? So on the other side of defense, do you think it's more difficult for successful or desirable men to settle down?

It's only difficult when they grew up with out, when you've gotten low self steam. For men, the success in with relationship is very much determined by their office team. Women can get a shortcut with their appearance and on. And so for men, their self steam is either going to propel them into a great relationship or a prevent them from any kind of stability.

Now, if you grew up without any validation and not knowing if he was attractive, what happens is his self system is almost blocked at that stage of life, and then he can still be a sucker to win IT and still kind of accept the unacceptable simply because he wants to be desired. But if he has good suffer steam and good boundaries, he will never suffer in relationships. He just won't because he knows when he's work, he knows when he is not accepted on when the last working, and he has a willingness to walk away. So the thing is, money with low soft a steam is really, really difficult, is a very lonely path, it's a lot of gold digger, is a lot of escort, this is a lot of party, even at the an ordinary now money with high surface steam and um good values is you mean is still difficult. But you you you can create something about that.

What about successful women?

And they struggle. They they really struggle because essentially which successful women he is, the thing a men always say, or when women earn more, they leave men.

But they don't realize why they actually studies to show that when men are with women more, they produce more to they're actually more angry and stressed around her, and that obviously has a negative impact on the test, or they actually less actually attracted to her and me that they mean. And also they don't treat the same way. If a man is dating a woman who who knows is unemployed, save his on twenty thousand pounds a year.

He is still used whatever he has to treat her well like no look after, but he's on twenty thousand pounds a year and she's on fifty thousand who use nothing to invest in her. Now women don't need your money, but they do need your investment, because that's how man fall in love. The more they invest in something, the more they attached ed to.

If they invest a lot of money in a car, they are really care about IT lost a lot of money into a bit. They up invest money into a woman. They wanna see IT work out.

So when they are with the woman earns more, they invest so little. So walking away seem so easy for them. And IT seems so hard for her because she's been the one that's investing in them.

So it's very difficult. It's not just the woman knows rich now he leaves you, the man no longer adds any value, that is the main issue. He doesn't use whatever tiny results he has on the woman, likely Normally wood.

How can people Better deal with jealousy than in relationships?

Is very difficult what I would when it's activated, because IT that is activated, that lonely, and that rejection is activated, as may have been as a child, and is like the world is over when somebody y's jealous. But I think in my experience of working and even my own experience of jealous y, the only thing that helps remove jealous y is really building an identity outside of the relationship.

If jealous people tend to place the entire self worth identity on the happiness of their partner and how attracted their part to them and what the partner is doing. Now the reason why not so fragile is because your partner is is a fallible person, is gna have time to they look at somebody else, they might be attracted. Whatever happens, the entire identity is crush.

So to remove that jealous y, you really have to create an identity outside of the relationship, which gives you the confidence that if this relation is great, i'm gonna in IT. If IT doesn't work for me, it's okay. I can go somewhere else.

But that fear of letting go and fear of that gonna find somebody else IT means that they're in a constant competition with their partner and they almost terrify that the partner is going to meet somebody else. But really, when you build your an identity, you realized if they do meet somebody else and no longer the person you loved anyway. So it's okay. You almost have a then attitude towards very, very difficult .

do do you have suffered with gently, not massively, but that that's been improved by having more things occurred life that have say ah like giving me a more stable foundation. One of the chAllenges I suppose is that if you get jealous, you have two very difficile choices. One is tell your partner that can go badly, that can be perceived in the wrong way, or even perceived in the right way. You can change the way that you are perceived. The other one is to just swallow with yourself and deal with them on your own, which then begins to create a trend in a relationship .

of keeping things from now you are you doing you man. They are online checking who they are following, checking, checking and then bursting at small things, not the real issue. So when your partner turns up late or doesn't reply to attack, and you over exaggerate response, because that jealousy y has been kept inside, so IT doesn't go in you.

When you keep IT in, IT stays inside you and body keeps score well, as they say. So the reality is by expressing IT and with the right person, they're trying to help you sue that jealousy with some reassurance with the wrong person theyll make you feel stupid and pathetic. Baby are being stupid and pathetic and they can't handle IT they make you feel that way.

And then the jealousy and exaggerate and increases. So it's a good test of your compatibility. If you do explain IT to your partner.

One of the things have been thinking about is, is almost like historical jealousy. And this is where the body count conversation here comes in. What have you come to believe about how much body count matters? And then how can people deal with historical jealous y Better?

The thing is now become a big topic of debate. And body T A O. Here's what I really say about body count. The testament of your body count is more your rejection rate than how many people you sleep with.

Now if you are, let's take for for somebody like you, for example, who's got a big name on social media, looks great access to loads of women through the now if your body count is to say if it's ten, but you had hundreds of girls throwing themselves like you, you're just actually still low. Where's if another guy who has no access to women, but finally gets one or two girls to sleep with them? On paper, IT might be less, but his rejection rate is so low.

And now instead of looking at how much many people people left with, is the look at their rejection rate. And I think gal is like with five men or ten ten men, but only five or ten men have tried to approach. That means every man that tries gets access.

But if she's a really attractive woman, SHE might have hired, but her rejection is higher. So really look at how many people you, the your partner is rejecting rather than just their body camp on paper. A really unattractive man who has nothing going from his body can't can be load, doesn't mean he is a decent man, is just that he didn't have the opportunity.

Miller. Women that are not that nice to be around, not that kind, not pretty, not that attractive, hers is gona be low, doesn't mean she's virtuous. It's just that you didn't have access is the ones that have access but choose to be um selective. That's what you should be looking at is the selectivity .

problem is you can't ask them the number. Like how many rejections have you done?

Yes, you can't. That's the hard pop. But what you can tell is how easily excited this person is by the opposite IT comes quite. That you can tell when people are super excited, when the opposite gender pays on attention and other people were totally immune, that person that has a glee attached to attention is always going to maybe not have a higher body camp because they might not get access, but they're got more risk of diversion because they they gets too much ego boost from the opposite sex and not from other areas of their life. So I think body can't really have to depend on the the person's ability to say no to sex is not just how many people they slight with the how many people can they say no to I never .

heard this frame before. I think it's very interesting.

Yeah, what do you think about the bot?

The body count conversation is is so skilled because the world that we're living in now is not representative before IT would have been ten years ago while twenty years ago. But the thing that i'm most interested in his historical jealousy, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah so hearing stories about what your partner used to get up to, even if IT happened once, yeah, right.

And IT is so strange, you didn't even know that they existed, you didn't know them. They didn't know you. They couldn't have said no because they were waiting for you to come.

Maybe this was a one time thing, whatever. And IT trigger, especially in men, IT trigger such a visual fear here, right? adequacy. Of um like jealousy but it's straight. Like how can you be jealous about the thing that happened before you even knew who your partner was? Yeah so yeah took me through your consumption of history.

Sy, what happens with historical? Sy, human beings in general, we prefer pain. We can predict predictable pain is almost more welcome than, well, definitely more welcome than anything unexpected. Now, where what we do is retracted, jealousy is we hold onto the past as a way of predicting how they are going to hurt us in the future. The more you anxious you are, the more you perceive threats in your environment.

So what's happening with people who are jealous of the past is essentially they believe they have a cool belief that the point is going to hurt them at some stage anyway. Now if this no present day evidence for that, they will look for IT in the past and use that as a way of creating hypotheses of how they might hurt you in the future, and therefore be mentally prepared, prepared for the service oge. now.

So essentially what they're doing is preparing themselves for the worse, but they can't find evidence. So they look for the past and is usually because of a fear abandonment that they have themselves and I know is more common in men because their fear is more stimulated by the fear of cocoa that he might start like evolution wise. SHE might have a child with somebody else and pretend IT was that fear. So it's engrained them. But more time that fear is activated when there has been some much child abandonment.

What about women? What about women worried about?

We are what we worry, not as much about rtc. We we only really worry about previous exit if there is some financial emotional investment still going on. Usually when these kids, so what happens is women tend to get jealous of the X, Y, where they got kids and stuff that we get jealous of.

X is still in their resources. So we are only threatened by women that have access to the resources, whether that's energy, time or money. But if if that he's not giving them that we are more worried about future threats.

That's interesting. I imagine that must make a lot of the moving on, starting new relationship as a guide that has got some history. no. Earlier on, you mentioned if you're going to go for somebody that's a little bit older, IT may be even in some regards of Green flag that they've been through some relationships and got some baggage, you know, from that. But you also have the jealous y inclusion of the previous partner and potentially the previous kid resources attention so and so for so that must be a difficult situation to again .

suffer from that. They are really, really so jealous of the x and the children and so and so forth. And IT is very difficult. I can imagine that would be horrible.

But one thing that, again, if your husband has a good compared ting and is a good father, is a foresight into how good of a partner he will be to you in your children, he prioritized his children is really, really important. Now, a lot of women want amount to prioritize them over their children. But what kind of man is a man that prioritize as a woman over his children?

What kind of man is that is not a man you're going to be attracted to in the future, especially when you have children with him, because that means the next woman in his life can take that priority. You need a man that prioritized his children and is transit as something you admire in him. Rain gear, because it's a trade, is gonna in very handy when you have children with him, god dwelling. But that guy that is just all over the place, and does that prioritize these kids is only handy in the show term.

There is a post on instagram that I saw literally on the car on the way here, when you find out that she's unvexed not a feminist, loved the lord and despaired to be a wife, mother and homemaker. And its joe rogan in the video going like it's a comedy thing.

And the caption was, do such unico still exist in the comments, people with dating, so girls were replying and saying, you know, you should come to church on a sunday. We still exist out there. But what i'm fascinated by is what is going on? Where on vx? Not a feminist love the law, despise to be a wife, mother and homemaker is like a counter culture. Finding a bar of gold hidden in the sand like treasures is because .

we're so distracted by the women are the reality is that was so um bombarded with images of the women who are the opposite, who are the families and who are out there who are not really the lord and don't really expect that we see the oudet. So we see the one social media. They might be the ones that sexualize themselves a lot more.

They might be the ones that put themselves out there. So what men are gravitating towards visually is going to be that filter of that kind of woman, the opposite. And the ones that uh that they are ignoring visually tend to have those qualities.

So here's a thing, in life everything comes out of compromise. And if you want somebody that will stimulate either most sexually, she's not going to be a virgin. She's not going to be on church on wednesday. She's just not going to be that girl. He might be somebody who is a little bit more conventional um if you want somebody who is going to be those, you might have to compromise.

Now what's happening is because we've come become so channel and we value so many junk value such as so many superficial al things like look, when she's not beautiful, you don't want to pay attention to her so she's not the most unit go IT doesn't matter if you is qualities have SHE becomes invisible. A bit like with men, if they're not, all of a lot of women will ignore their existence even if they got all the other great trade. Similarly, if she's not absolutely sexy is what men are now attracted to.

They're looking for sexy more than ever before because it's Normalize since program it's photography um if she's not sexy, they don't even notice that woman. So that's why they think women like this are unico. But they are there. You just don't notice them because they don't have the books on your four u paid.

Why do you think infidelity occurs most .

commonly in your experience? They say, if you ever get cheated on, I always, I know people hate me for this, but it's usually your fault. And the reason I say that, particularly with men, a cheating woman shows you every red flag from day one.

If you choose to ignore red flags, you'll pay the Price in life. You pay Prices, this Price tax. Now everybody shows you that the cheaters show you they are gonna.

And how they show IT is very simple. The values that maybe they are show you that they have done in the past. Maybe they show you that they are not so traditional, do everything.

Now, if you don't anna get cheated on, you either choose that cheater, but know what, know what the score is. And then you don't get up, you know what's going to happen. But ignoring red flag is always gonna get land you in that position.

Now whenever I have put the clients, i've been cheated on a lot for five, six years a month. Got another miss three years. She's still been talking to ex as like, there's no way you can get to three years without your u consenting.

And what do you mean that as like they would have been late replies, they would have been days, their phones are off. They would have been not telling you where they're going, tell you everything, that social media would have suggested something, you would have been questioning them. Sometimes they would have got defensive rather than reassuring you.

They would have been signs you chose nern. The Price you pay for that, unfortunately, is in delity. So you either accept an own faithful, all know what you y're doing, and then just decide OK.

I can accept IT, but i'd rather be with you, and not without you, but you. But denying the red flags is always is gonna catch up on you. The infidel is going to occur. So that's why people get cheated on, why people choose to do, and is because they can get the comfort of A A relationship with the joy and pleasure of an alternative connection.

So they get two in one, so they might get the comfort somebody who pays the bills, but the sex life of a Young personal train that he wants, and he might get the comfort of a good wife. But then the sexual experience of a escort when he goes on does that, so that we we become so greedy, we don't realize that some things have to involve A C sacrifice, and healthy marriage has to involve sacrifice in the alternative. We don't see the need to sacrifice alternatives.

Because now we are so gotten us, even if we eat a lot, we can still do that and get surgery. Even if we spend a lot, we can still get credit cards. We no longer see the sacrifice of alternative is and required in order for positive outcomes.

Yeah, there's A A cool court that says there are no, there are no options, only trade offs, right? That for everything that you want, there is something else that you need to give up. And I think that's a good way to look at relationship.

If you want a good healthy marriage on fortune, you might have to sacrifice the most exciting sexual experience every day we live because of what twenty years emerge. Doesn't look like. You know, it's realistic. And if you want like a single life and you have to accept that your emotional, like you might suffer from anxious depression in the long run. So you got ta realize whatever decision you make IT comes to a lot of pain and suffering. Pick your pain being married, the pain might involve being bored and might not sexually stimulated but being single, the pain might involve a lot loneliness, depression and sadness just pick which pain you can handle and confine yourself to that decision and .

ward off the alternatives what do you think about getting back together after infidelity?

Um get back together. Absolutely you. I don't think if this children, I don't say, no way, no way, no way.

If there's no children, I always tell people to reconsider. But one thing I would say is different from many in women. When a man forgives a female cheese, SHE can't respect you the same way you got ta.

Remember, we like alpha men. Alpha men don't accept promiscuity. So what happens when you accept a woman bag? A part of her will always feel like your week and you don't have the willingness to walk away because there's nothing that can push amount to walk away more than infidelity if that didn't do IT nothing. So now she's lawless for a man. Again, I don't massive recommend unless their children, but I would focus more on what was the meaning behind the affair, what would they seeking.

And if is something that you can do in your marriage, by all means do IT, but if it's something that's more traumatic, it's more to do with an empty ness and uh two in the and you can't feel that void, then you still can get back with them but expect the behavior to continue when I when people get back together out of the fair, I to say, but ask your self if he stayed exactly the same and still cheated five years on the line, could you be OK with IT? And if you decide, you know what I can, as long as you are good to me and good to the kids, I can do IT by all means do IT, but don't go back together expecting IT to be completely different. It's it's not realistic.

Interesting to think that one of the considerations are focusing on to do with infidelity is not whether the person can accept that themselves. It's whether the other person can accept being accepted, especially for women.

yes. So essentially, can you accept worst scenario IT worse, a scenario happens again. Can you accept IT? If the answer is no, then you're just delaying the divorce, just do IT now. But the answer is, yeah because the alternative I just don't wana do IT then go ahead, but always ask yourself, can not accept what is and then if that happens, at least you prepared. If IT doesn't happen shot.

it's a brutal realization, I guess, for guys that maybe that partner, but may had infidelity, and then they can try, do the work to be able to accept them again. But that is creating a rythm, a vibe that may make IT difficult for the partner that cheated on them to accept them. Yeah, again, yeah, there something .

dies in us. So when you accept the unacceptable because your masini is depleted, and the other thing is the man loses his masini, he starts to hate himself for not being able to walk away. Instead of having a pride of attach to like that, I ve kept my family together.

They know they shouldn't do IT they something speaks to them, so they end up hating themselves. And because they can't always expressed, they can get quite hostile and violent towards a woman and can get quite verbally abusive to water. And i'm not thinking she's like an Angel, but the verb of us and it's h all you're doing is, like I said, you just essentially punishing half your inability to walk away.

She's gna back and say, please forgive me, please forgive me. But the reality is we don't want the man that forgives us. We really don't. We want the man that says you had your chance been a pleasure. I wish you the best because as a man, respect.

Why do married women cheat?

Um a lot married women, a couple of reasons they didn't marry the person I truly wanted to marry, the the biological clock at them and they married who was available at the time and they might have had an x that they idea lizer. They might have had something else. They didn't marry correctly.

They didn't choose a person that they wanted to marry. They chose the person who wanted to marry them. And so they settled to begin with, they started wrong. And that can happen on the alternative side.

IT could be is when SHE hasn't felt desired very long time, and he puts the feeling of needing to feel desired and sexy and attractive as a number one like emotion. So sh'll put that over above her family. And SHE craves that.

So if she's naturally born, like quite attention seeking, or if he married who who wanted to marry her, rather than who SHE truly wanted to marry, unfortunate she's more prone to cheating. Yeah and and you and also, if he grew up with a bit of chaos, I find that women that come from single parent homes are far more likely to see. And the reason I i've noticed that the only hypothesis I can think of is that usually when somebody isn't forfilling our needs, we can go back to a safe.

Hoban of two were designed to have two parents that love us. We mom, two people love us. That's how we should be. Now, when those two people, one of them is absent, you always feel like this avoid.

So when you're in a relationship and all of IT is on him, if he stops giving you that love, you're almost seek IT as a back up because you don't want that empty ness that you may have a experiences as a child. So they always have a back up before they can leave the guy. They can't just leave and be by themselves because that really feels lonely.

They rather leave when theyve got somebody else is like having that extra parent life. You like when you have mom that noisy, you always got that you got back up. But when you didn't grow up with that, that being by yourself is really horrible and lower. So they always, if one persons lets them down, they always try and keep her back up in case that person removes their love from them.

safety, safety.

chasing .

an .

ear boost. They in love with the person that they're cheating with, but they are in love with the feeling that person gives them. And sometimes a person makes them feel some, sometimes I feel like attract what they're chasing, a particular feeling that they are deprived of, either from their marriage or from their childhood.

And as a result, they seeker is not sexual. People think, is just how they men love sex. Men up sex. Some men out there, they really love sex.

They would just have sexual their wives they have not sex or their wives in a long time, but they crave novelty or they crave somebody else making them feel a way. So I don't think it's all sexual. I think it's far more psychological and emotional than they think. IT is in a label ler assets, but really is the new person is get making them feel seen and maybe they felt unseen for a very long time at home.

And I suppose that a lot of single people are resorts are purposeful ly portraying a version of themselves that makes that person feel seen. Yeah, the escorts know .

exactly what they are doing. Same with sugar babies. They know that with this man who's been married for so long, they target married men because they have a, in my experience, of what is watching them. What they do is they have a leverage because every time he doesn't pay her, you can say, i'm going going to tell your wife so they really do target married man because they got that leverage.

But also the the loss of office team and married man is so easy to manipulate them, giving them a phone call to tell that they look great, telling that they smell great, telling those coffee ready. They haven't heard these races in a really long time. And that works perfectly with married man. But IT doesn't work so much for the man who's been on the single scene for so long and has four, five different girls coming over every months or whatever.

Is everybody y's falling over him in?

Yeah so you don't stand out to that guy.

How much do you think you can change your partner? You know, we've spoken a lot today about how things that have maybe happened in the past, the way that they see relationships, the frame that they place around this, maybe it's things from childhood, maybe it's the way that the past relationship or the past partner treated or mistreated them. What if you come to believe about how much you can shift ah and change who your partner is?

I think you can provide them with some love of safety and that level of safety can make them a Better version of themselves. But what we have really have to ask yourself is why are you selecting people? You have to change.

The reality is you have to select people and accept them, rather expect them to change. And if you can be with somebody that you expect if they stayed exactly the same forever would work. By all means, go ahead.

But if you feel like you have to change them, you have to then change your expectations. Instead of changing them, just manage your expectations, expect them to behave this way. And if they change, brilliant. If they don't change, no worries. But expecting to change somebody is setting itself up for failure because you're by d fog entering a relationship that, you know, requires work rather than just creating consistency.

I looked at this thing earlier on talking about, I guess, the chAllenges that guys have of a finding female connection, especially though inside sort of black pill part of the world dream G F dot ai. So I read this, I read this article early on. Its yes, fascinating parents adds for A I girlfriends have been all of a tiktok in government facebook lately.

Replica and A I chatbot, originally offering mental health help and emotional support, now runs ads for spicy sales and hot ropy. Either AI invites users to create their dream companion, while dream girlfriend promises a girl to exceeds your wildness. st.

Desires the APP intimate, even offers hyper realistic voice calls with the virtual partner. This may seem nations weird, but it's a fast curing market. All kinds of startups are releasing romantic chatbot available of having explicit conversations and sending sexual photos.

Meanwhile, replica a has been downloaded more than twenty million times. And just one snapp chat influence, a Karen margry makes a hundred thousand dollars a week by charging, uses one dollar a minute to chat with the AI version of itself. But IT isn't just unrealistic beauty standards that worry me.

What's more, sensor is the unrealistic emotional standard set by these apps either. A I, for example, not only lets you choose the perfect face and body, but customize the perfect personality, offering options like hot, funny, bold, shy, modest, considerate and smart, strict, rational. Create a girlfriend who is judgement free, who lets you hang out with your buddies without drama, who lets at all of your jokes control IT all the way you want promises either AI design a girl who is always on your side, says, replica.

How can we compete with that? This article that was written by a woman already, women and relationships complain about porn addicted partners who, unsatisfied with actual intimacy. Now we are facing a future why guys could get addicted to emotional validation elsewhere, sneaking away for some of that unparalleled devotion was, what about yg boys who grew up with this, whose first sexual experience is chatting with A I women who never say no, never argue, never have original thoughts, are an identity of their own.

And then they try to date to real go. There's already all of these men on reddit raving about how the A I girlfriends never argue, complain or get bored of them, while real girls continually disappoint. If A I girlfriends really do become as pervasive as online porn, what will this mean for girls and Young women who feel that they need to compete with us?

I I would imagine it's no different to the mindset of a rapist. Essentially, what you're doing is dehumanizing the connection of sex is you're removing the human component and replacing IT with, uh, compliance. Cy, now the mindset behind that is I don't care.

You don't need human, human connection. You just need your fix. Now, when we Normalize stuff like this and even pornography ised on this, we've Normalized men to the idea of dehumanizing women for the sake of a pleasure.

And so much so that we are now creating non humans to have sexual pleasure with um we are creating a society of rapists are essentially what we do. We're Normalizing rape and legalizing IT, but the mindset of not having human connection in order to get sexual gratification is exactly the same. So I think it's just the new version of porn. I think when we first heard about pornography, maybe all the years ago when I started, people thought that crazy st thing in the planet no ways gna take off um but is now at the tip of all a uh hands on the phone every single day I think this, fortunately, is the sad future for human relationships because there are so many people looking for instant gratification that they would rather go down the street dehumanizing than long term gratification of creating connection.

Yeah I I wonder as well I was interesting what that lady said about how it's an most unrealistic expectation to compete with them on an emotional level. Some of those things of laughing at their jokes and being on their side and not arguing that doesn't seem like an unrealistic expanded to me being online twenty four seven and being able to design your sort of dream girl in terms of the way that he looks, there is a little bit of me .

that thinks is that unrealistic?

That is unrealistic to laugh at his jokes or to be intimate with him or to give him compliments in Price.

I I think that is definitely there. Like you should expect that from your partner. Your partner should be the person, the source of your compliments and praise.

But the reality is a women or hormonal, that we have a monthly cycle. We are not consistent emotionally. And as a result, there are times where we watched and these other times where we don't want to be around you.

Unfortunately, that's how nature designed. I'm not saying blame, but that's a reality of human nature. That's a reality of of women.

Now, uh, I get it's nicer to have the consistency, but it's again, but nicer and easier isn't Better for our mental. We're designed to struggle. We're designed to be like hunting, gathering to get a girl. That's what you are designed to go very like, go brave and hunt, gather, get a line and bring IT back, whatever animal, and then a woman will sleep with you. Now, if we are now creating a society of men, where all they have to do is downside and APP to get that woman, you're removing masculine ity and bravery and the ability to regulate another person emotions and understand the kind of behavior you're removing that from men. So you're removing their ability to be, therefore potential and a their ability to be masculine because that's not how we designed .

definitely create A A kind of self fulfilling cycle where guys who have had bad experiences with with women in one for another other rejection or they've got into relationships and they ve ended up being on the receiving end of something that's been really bad, will retreat. And IT seems like that now going to be able to be served.

You know, this is IT would surprise me if only fans still exists a business within the space of five years because really, you know yeah how this would may be very much be able to take up, take over if I can become high of quality. So I understand the dynamic. You know, this is a safe aversion for you in terms of not being betrayed emotionally, sea, sea.

But IT does create precisely the lack of eligibility that you already fear in yourself, right? I I want to be an eligible partner for a woman because I haven't got that I may turn to. This is an alternative IT would be very, very surprising to me if a man said I outright, from first principles, want the A I girlfriend is usually, I would have maybe tried together, one in the real world, haven't got IT.

I retreat into this. So that retreat creates the lack of eligibility. But on the other side of this and the reason that women is quite rightly, this lady is really well red article um this lady that role the article makes a great point that this is going to create the death of eligible partners that women are already fear of.

All right. So what do you think, let's say that you do have? It's gonna happen. It's happening right now. There is going to be some men, right, a non insignificant minority, at the very least, who do retreat into this upgrade version of porn. Yeah, what do you think the female response will be to this? Because that's going to further skill the market of eligible .

male partner are ping for. Is that step up that goal that laughs and does that? But the reality is what men, women mainly, will do, step down and think, forget men, because I can't be bothered to do this because, you know, the addiction to pornography has made a lot of women think of, god, I don't want to sleep with men anymore.

They just want this wild stuff. So it's gonna a counterproductive impact on women. You're thinking that they are gonna step up, but the reality is, when we feel like the mountain is too high, we don't bother climbing IT.

So what women will actually do is retreat into, there is no point being with a man. They are might just stay single. All my friends are still single and might be a by sexual man is being less than whatever is.

They are not gonna step up if that's what you're thinking. This is what they are. Onna, do they're gna think step up for who guys like, like, artificial intelligence does not motivating me to wanna step up, just making me think men are disgusting. And so then less likely to become the woman you want them to be to a creating a society of intel men. But jaded women.

Yeah, this sort of adversarial nature between the sexes is knocked. You know, people are retreating into .

a .

more comfortable but less fulfilling, less risky, less content version of life. But is this move away from anything that has to do with risk? That is kind of the trend i'm seeing.

You know, maybe this is downstream from hyper convenience. Maybe this is downstream from a quai I surveilLance state where all of your information is tracked and held on the internet. Maybe this is to do with snowplow parenting and helicopter parenting.

Maybe this you pick whatever IT is that caused this talk. And it's likely to be a ton of different things congealing together. But I don't think that IT makes for ultimately a satisfying, gratifying life even if you have a life which is devoid of failure in pain and chAllenge. That doesn't mean that it's one that's full of pleasure .

and happiness and contentment and actually fit is actually people have depression is not that they are um got the worst circumstances is sometimes they are just too comfortable. If you take children in africa that have to go walk and to get water, they have no time to be depressed because their life is so uncomfortable that they have a purpose and they get through IT, and then they get the the dopamine of getting what they need.

Too much comfort kills joy, because if I can wake up late every single day, I forget the joy of lying. If I can eat whatever I want, all the junk food in the world, I forget what cheat me for taste like. So comfort is not actually going to create any long term happiness. Happiness comes from discomfort and problem solving that this fort, and then get in the way of a longer process.

sadi. Econ, ladies and gentleman, why should people go? They went to keep up to date with what .

you doing at so the psychology, and just go on tiktok, on everywhere there. Unfortunately, I really apologized, but I seem to be everywhere on tiktok at the psychology.

What else see if you doing?

What can people expect from you? I I still have my picture where released exclusive videos just for those. People are looking to learn and improve.

I also offer one one conversations and one one coaching. I also reply to people on my patience. I have quick questions, so I am very accessible and available at the moment. So I do apologize for being so sad because I feel like i'm getting a little of I am available if you should need me for any services.

I appreciate you.

Thank you so much. Thank for you.