#720 - Whitney Cummings - What Is Wrong With Modern Women?
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Hello, friends, welcome back to the show. My yesterday is witney comings. She's a comedian, actress, writer and a podcasts. M women aren't having a great time at the moment that maybe just as lost as men. The only difference is they get a little bit more sympathy. So where did the trajectory of women go? Alright, and how can they find a way to be happy again?

Expect to earn the social psychology behind the rise of Taylor swift, witness thoughts on becoming a mother and the future of motherhood, whether women really can have at all, why more men are attracted to witney now that she's pregnant, what we can do about the future of sex robots and much more. I was so impressed by witney on this episode. I found her charming and vulnerable and open and insightful, and just very, very smart. I was a fan of her before, but yeah, SHE am fully on team coming after this. I really hope that you take even half as much away from this episode as I did, because there is really great, and there are a lot of insights here that I think we all need to be reminded of a lot more frequently.

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But now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome witney comings.

Can I just really quick, you feel free to cut this. I love watching you were, I love showing up to meet somebody that I am a fan of already and i've seen their astronomical Price of success. And then I see why they deserve IT, why just watching you Operate for the past eight, five, ten minutes has been fascinating.

You just care so .

much about what you're doing in your meticulous but not the way that's micromanaging and annoying. And the attention to detail is like very intense but not the way it's too far. It's the perfect amount of aspen G.

I don't know what word was used to be using right now, but it's not lateral moves. It's actually improving things because sometimes you just watch people make arbitrary lateral changes for no reason just to like do the dick around or boss someone around or something. It's been like really very enduring to watch.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Which really nice to meet you. Youtube travis healthy, we just saw on the T V outside the advert. But I guess if you're hanging out the back of Taylor swift, what do you care?

You know I mean, yeah what okay. So we just got what what happened to when you saw that.

It's just it's so strange to see someone that has so much status and kind of embodies a lot of like rebellious nature, which I think you know football players, clubs that like alpha masculine thing, father. I mean, why is brand equity? It's like it's it's hardly cool. What's the Price?

What's the Price that makes IT worth that? What's the Price to something like travel's Kelsey that makes IT worth that for guys like you to go? Oh.

come on, you've got dumped by arma company one. So he's the, you think .

dating her is what influence him to do?

IT you think being .

tracked to girls that skinnies of vaccine injury?

You were saying before we got started that there has been a big push, body positivity. We need diversity. Barbi movie comes out in tailor. So what makes a billion .

to .

the germany? S no, I said he's a real fucking conspiracy, right? The real conspiracies travel healthy. And Taylor swift relationship was orchestrated by big farmer because they started dating at the same time that he did that fires a campaign. So search volume, the travel's health y's name and through the roof. And when you searched for his name, the vaccine stuff and the fizz partnership comes up to.

So my question about that, it's like my same thing about aliens and stuff. I just think people are so weak and so desperate to like, talk to a girl at a bar or get attention or the wrong person involved in that scandal took edibles. Do you think someone would have gotten fired and told people about IT?

All right.

It's like with aliens is like someone would have snatch, someone want guy would get drunk at a bar and like like you don't want to go home with me. You want to see a picture of fog in land you know i'm saying like don't you think IT we've gotten out? yeah. I mean.

coordination is difficult and is definitely two worlds that people are able to hold in mind at once, which is the government is both so incompetent that they can organize a piece up in a bruy, and so competent that to chest .

ate if their allies, we know, okay, like we would absolutely know that.

well, maybe the beginning and end of the capability is orchestrating a trouble. Is to say it's weird.

I think who is who is going to? That's the thing. Who's you going to date? He IT seems like guys all date down all day, you know? But who's you gonna date? He's the J. Z. To her.

Yeah, rough one. Do you know, meet canyon. He does illustration videos on the internet is really, really great out.

And you are talking about my to my childbirth.

Come on.

come on. I'm sorry sorry .

two and a half minutes and talking about meat anyway he's got a channel called papa meat and on IT he reacted to swifty tiktok and IT was goes um crying, breaking down crying because they the ticket master website had shut down after they have been waiting for six hours. There was this one where IT broke down the finances I think Taylor swift to already beaten and Michael Jackson for the most revenue generated from a tour habits, I think at the moment, three quarters of a billion dollars. This tour lasting for nearly two years is monstrous OK.

Well, she's done a genius thing. She's got kids. And I SHE kids are fans. Her fans, not, she's not a mother. But SHE appeals to children in a way that I think so many, and i'm sure we'll wait into the territories in some capacity, were so many female pop stars it's all about being hypersexual ze hypersexual alizad.

And like, you know, i'm having A A boy when I you know of a kid, but it's like there's certainly I can let my kid watch. I can't let my kid listen to this. She's done this genius thing where not only that, have you seen her dancing? I actually when I get to the conspiracy there is, you know, I think she's very mindful about not being too overtly sexual the way that .

if you look .

at how SHE dancers, she's like bad at dancing. It's not sexy. It's like awwad SHE looks like one of balloon man outside of .

a car deal waving kind of just is like sort .

of awkward and weird. There's never any sexuality about IT. There's never any singing about sex. And I was just like getting your heart broken in these kind of relatively like teenage feelings. And I think she's done a really much like genius job of that.

Well, I think in a world of some Smith wearing nipple tussles and dressing as the devil, the the original culture is the counter culture, right? If you want to predict the future, what you should do is look at a movement that's happening now that hasn't had the inverse happen yet because every culture requires the equal and opposite thing, right? It's like the thermal dynamics of fucking culture.

So twenty, everyone shut down. No one can go outside twenty twenty one. Megan, dalian is hot girl summer, which is last year, you went able to be your freely this, get with your girlfriends and do your hair and do your made.

But he was around that time too.

Maybe they have could come together. And then the year after that, they did feral girl summer. So you had hot girl summer. And then feral girl summer was, uh, you know, don't shave, don't brush a have where slow to sweat pants, don't bother with boys yeah, for every culture that has to be account culture. And if you've got sam Smith doing his thing, you know, Taylor swift looks like a fucking conservative .

icon comparatives. And I think it's part the reason I mean, country music is also, that was country music for the most part of something like older women, they are run like boots and pants, you know or then you have Kitty Perry with the cupcakes on her tips. You know, it's kind of like, I think country music in general, parents feel safer letting their kids listen to and and going to show this is a lot of more .

innocent yeah what's the worst going to you? Be an alcoholic and get in a car rack .

in the truck yeah and a man might wear a square to boot, which is problem .

for me that's a large yeah I I mean, I see that a lot in in all in text yeah ah yeah the this meaning video paper on the second channel of me is reacting to all of these things. And SHE, I didn't know SHE released the movie in cinemas. Girls are losing their fucking minds with these know, like A A baton, like an L D thing.

Wave in IT around. And then the credits were rolling, and girls were holding hands, dancing in a circle underneath the fuck in screen. IT, is that losing my mind? I, I am. I didn't know .

our star wars. They have little late papers.

That's true.

This is star wars for girls. But he also is very it's this very easy to understand like girl boss and them know I mean and something SHE did do that because I I you don't know that much about her like music per say i've worked for the much people that are obsessed with her. SHE does write all her own stuff which is very cool. She's not one of these like industry plants where she's got fifteen writers and you go you know he really does dicit herself um and seems that he plays all the music herself and SHE the way that SHE engages her fans. SHE makes them feel really special.

I feel like this is something we can learn from you doing amazing job and engaging your fans but like he leaves little little easter egs for them and SHE like really thinks her albums out in the way and leaves these like puzzle pieces for them in these codes and sends gifts to fans if they've come to a certain amount of shows like she's really like done this marketing thing that I think a lot of us would think is kind of like corn ney. And I would i'd be embarrassed like I would like you if you like me, like me if you know you know i'm not i'm not going to do a mAiling list. It's like oba, he did like what time fairs dish lid built a mAiling ing list and engage with her fans and like, and was OK with going, I want this really badly like he was okay with being like, I want to be really famous and successful IT wasn't like, if you like me, you like me if you don't, you don't, you know, is a way to control if I get rejected at least IT was IT know IT was my idea, but SHE did this one thing where he got called the snake because SHE um I don't know what I was.

There was like all the snake either someone cheated on someone and some kind of like, you know, kyle's weve gossip. And someone asked an interview, they said, so what do you feel about the fact that so many people online call you a snake? And SHE went, well, snakes at rats.

And I was like, that's pretty gangster. Like, I see why girls, like, look up to her every time people come for her. SHE managed to submit you to something.

I think elan musk did something similar where he got popped for getting one of his staff at space ex or tesla pregnant. And he just reacted to the tweet by saying the the world's birthright to declining, I need to do my bit like the in brain judge, mexico fucked and trickery that you ve just done there SHE .

stunts on every time they come for her, SHE stunts on him somehow. And I think so much of our job is for facing people now is figuring out how to handle haters, or like, how did not respond, or you cannot respond at all, you know, but you can't care too much, but you just kind and .

IT into her songs. I think what is such an. Skill, just being able to be wet stuff and you can be charming and not give IT too much you attention. interesting.

I'd look at this, the fact, and Taylor swep cus what wanted like, definitely an interesting lesson there about the fact that he was prepared to do things that other artists have even a smeller size would feel might be beneath them or might be like lost status, is what I think in the psychology literature will be called to counter signal. So um if you look at ceos now, you'll happily where crops or sneakers or whatever in a hoody into the office. But the guy who's a middle manager that's desperately climbing, he'll to wear a three peace suit course.

So it's almost like you can afford to do this because of our access we were talking outside you mentioned about like are you supposed to have to take on the ukraine? I think you're on your show yesterday and I like, wow, there's so many people listening like am I supposed talk about something important? Do you feel that is there are an obligation if you get to a certain size of having to talk about important things and stuff like that? Can you not just keep having fun all the way up?

I think for me, it's like being a comedian, and I think it's really important to you know, know our place. You know, I think for me, it's like as long as they take is funny IT doesn't matter, you can talk about anything, you know. But to come in and be one of these like hollywood people, not that I see myself as someone who's in hollywood, I think a lot of people might see me that way.

I can't seriously go. This is who you should vote for, or this is how you should think, or this is what you believe, or this is how to take the moral high ground. But if they take us some sort of committee value, it's there's nothing we can talk about.

I like to stay away from politics for the most part unless i'm making fun of both sides. Similar aneuch ly, that's because I think people I think it's our job is comedians and and uh, podcasts. Ers is a surprise.

people. There's just so much content out there right now, and so many people are talking about politics. And I think you got to go like, what kind of person is seeking comedy?

They are maybe bored of their jobs. They they want to take a girl on a date. They have their kid at home crying.

They've been in a long marriage. They just want to go to a club. They want to go to a venue. And here's something different from what they're seeing online all day. And so it's my job to surprise them. So if they show up and i'm to start talking about trumpet or like I just had to hear my uncle yell about this for you like you just I just have to do whatever the opposite everybody is, is doing to try to give them .

some kind of surprise yeah it's a it's strange to think about how as people's platforms grow, does this compulsion to have a take on on everything unless you have to .

take no one else saying there's really no need to speak .

about IT yeah, unless you're unbelieved be educated in something. But I I definite as platforms grow there, there's almost the pressure to be like fucking and Better talk about something interesting here.

talking my platforms growing. It's like you can play the a long short game in the long game. And for me, like I mean, you knowing going for so long and seeing like his first thousand episodes were just him and his friends just talking about bulls shit, talking about, you know, comedy and stuff that wasn't necessarily what was going on in the news.

And then that made for this library that was really easy to syndicate. You go back and listen to of his from ten years ago, still fuddy, still retaining. I always like, in terms of making the podcast.

I was want to go like, I want to build this library that ever Green and not too topical. So if people discovered by pycke now, and they start from the beginning, it's still gonna about, you know, main things of human nature, relationships, making mistakes, edification, all the kind of stuff that you talk about. Two, that's a little bit ever Green instead of something tuning in and being like hearing about a canada that they don't even know, that was like the second Price.

I think about this. So bench peer is a good example. I listen to a lot of him during COVID because if is a rapidly changing new cycle and you got fuck all else to do someone that does one episode, five days a week, that is always telling me what's happened in the last twenty for us is pretty good place to go. But I realized looking back on that, no one's going back to hear what happened on April twenty of twenty twenty because I was so you get this huge lift off in terms of interest, but IT doesn't necessarily Carry through, which I think is that is an interesting way to kind of look at things.

If people go like all my I just discovered, you know, a modern wisdom. He just had jorn person and that he had done person two years ago. Let me listen to that they're going to cover different stuff like, oh, my and I just learned so much he had Robert Green on, you know so for me, I I really, you know I come for making TV and sick.

And when you try to make siccus that get syndicated, the ideas that they live forever know. So if you have jokes that are too topical, they're onna expire and it's gonna feel date IT. So I always kind of that like, okay, what's my place in this pot test space? Because there's lot of really, really smart people doing this.

They're a lot of people wait more qualified than me talk about politics. That's not you something guy necessarily and qualified the way and on. I can make jokes about about what do I do this like ever Green shows that people can, on road trip, just go back two years. And it's still going .

to be relevant if you ve been happy to see the jade pink ket Smith meltdown because the bar for being a good mother is now being set lower than even.

I love that she's like wills Smith and I have not been married for seven years and I am j to pick at Smith Smith that's like the why are you j to pick IT all of a sun? Why is your books say Smith on the end? Um that whole thing is wild to me.

And i've been actually thinking about this park is because I been a little nervous about coming on IT and how I can be like useful in some way to your listeners and because they all seem to be very high performing, striving people. And you know, I do have this theory that you know, and it's probably something you've explore before. Is that like who you marry, your date is a business decision, you know IT, not in terms of we're going into business together, but in terms of the amount of band with you have, you know, the amount of energy you have as this person energizing you is IT depleting you.

It's going to decide how focused you can be in your personal life. Like one of my favor quotes is the flobert quote, um be um what does IT be organized in orderly in your be regular in orderly in your personal lives so you can be original, violent in your work, you know? So how like that doesn't be boring, not boring sex after be boring of every partner.

But at the most stressful part of your day, should we work right? So I think that often times the person you choose is a business decision. But I look at them and I like they just want to build a business. You know, I think that was always kind of a business arrangement in my opinion.

I watched the first at the time that i've seen the rock on a podcast and he was on travel knowest podcast, which is partly to spotify, and I didn't know this, but the rock is broken up with his wife, but is still business partners with her. So they have a daughter together, OK and the rockin, his x wife and separated still business .

partners and still have the .

daughter be tequila. What the rumor whatever is I don't know what is, but at least one of them he's still business found is with his one a of these things.

It's like you make that kind of money together and then it's like we're Better together as a business. I mean, think about what I would be like having to like break up a corporation basically.

Yeah divorce is easier than a separation of the business totally. But yeah.

I it's not for me. I'm one of those idiots that still wants to have like amazing sex with someone and like really feel like my best friends with my person and i'm going to like hold out for that cut to me and ten years when I married to bill case some crazy crave and shit and I like and like we own half of the mcDonald potatoes and the G M. S or whatever.

But I I I guess that for some people, but you know, I don't know, I really, that to me seems really sinter and cravin. I mean, you know, look, i'm a comic. I'm happy away and say what happened the authors, when you know we will Smith snacked, Chris rock in the face, you know, that was and no one stood up by the way.

No, nobody even stood up like that, you know, is the comedian people? You know, like god, you guys can get away anything until you get punched in the face in front of, you know, a room of thousand people that don't even stand up to help you. But the fact that he looked back at her did that in the name of his wife. And like, I don't know what videos SHE has on him, I don't know what photo, I don't know what the fuck is going on in there. What kind of who is afraid of our genuine world ship is going on in that marriage?

But that's my nights are, yeah, do you know right? And danny from the boys cast, yes, yeah, new york a day I was texting and they did a really great episode a couple of weeks ago about this taxi, ryan and he was like to an ironically really fucked and worried about will smith, like genuinely .

fucking emotional the video where he was filming him and .

he was like to film me.

yes, right? yeah. I mean, she's like he is in a bad mood and she's, this is my business. This is what I am on camera for a living. I'm not getting broken man, broken man.

But there are some men that i've seen this before, where some men are like, I just need this mom slash wife to, like, keep me together, to keep me focused. I do. I think when you. Get famous at a very Young age, maybe you becomes infantilize or frozen and you clean to someone that feels like a safety net to you. You because then you also get to this place where it's like, you know, my wish for guys like you is that you get all the things you want and all the big deals and all the huge products into, but don't get target on your back famous because when you get that famous, you know, like, well, I like date a waiters, this gonna a lawsuit like is this is by going to get accused of harassment like when you get to a certain point as a man in terms of getting famous, I think it's for women too, which just looks little but different. You go from predator prey.

I saw a really interesting, real from a Chris to Stephen now I can't member who show he was on but he was talking about his dad give him a piece .

and sold sounds .

like an absolutely many I tried and he was saying a maybe maybe Chris had become single or maybe it's before how these kids, I don't know and he was saying, you're keeping with all of these women and you're having all of this fun and you know, for every hundred women, one ninety nine of them are going to be great, but there's one that can fuck and ruin your life.

And I don't know what the proportion is, but there's definitely, you know from madness and opposed me to world. There is a different tenor to whats going on there. Is this fear that's out there. And I don't disagree that you know a lot of me too was necessary to kind of counters some very pretty men that we're using their position in their power to gain sexual access in a way that wasn't ethical. The problem is when that overreaches and goes from trying to santis the bad elements of mal behavior, and instead he just sterilized all of IT and everyone's like fucking terrified and working on tenterhooks and IT seems like that you know that Chris story kind of loose to that. It's like there's a fucking minefield out there and you go going .

to know my business. It's back fired major in terms of you know that less people are hiring women for a long time because, like, I don't want a woman in my office are you went sane and then people started putting glass offices like glass walls like this would have been glass, just so everyone sees what's going in here. I would go on movie and people would be like, you know, I was I did a few fighters movie and there was a sexual and IT and there are you don't have to you can know where you're sure if you want to like this is a but whatever you need.

I was like why i'm .

not to see you got .

yeah me I i'm a female .

comedian on the list of shit that's happening this is like, no so I just I found myself being like, oh god, everyone is like terrified because I mean, yes, there were a lot of in look, yes, i'm sure you could do prinsloos on the fact that why women are so desperate that they got to a point where they needed to sue someone because they we're hug too long and to Christmas party or what.

Maybe that's a mental illness or maybe that's childhood trauma or what ever IT is why do women feel the need to be grifters to take advantage that? Talk to sociologists about that. But you know it's been um it's been really interesting that one side effect i've really kind of uh found fascinating is that Younger guys kind of a date.

older girls said that you've never been had more. And when your fatlings has been on front front and for the people that are listening when he is heavily pregnant, three weeks away from popping .

because of eyes said like Chris harassed me, they were like, now you are you're just like.

what do you think IT is you just a big bilbow be fatlings?

I think there's a couple things, I think, and this is something we've texted about. I don't know why can medians have to do this where we can just go into something without and we have taxed .

about that like I don't want the audience give the but it's in between all of the news .

the equip on sending me that's supposed to be on the confide APP. Um so I think that for me and I think a lot of women are struggling this right with this right now or I don't have they are struggling with IT, but I think that they're striving to struggle with IT. I'll get there. I think I came off so tough and so hard for so long. I think this kind of just soften me in a way that made, man, sort of, I spent so much my career like trying to be one of the guys are kind of trying to come off like I wasn't a girl so that they wouldn't, you know, try to float with me at work so that I would get respect or so that I could go on stage and command respect from the audience and not show any vulnerabilities.

And um I grew up with a mother who and you know many people, women of that generation where who was like, I mean, there's no other way to say he was a gold digger you know SHE had to date men for money and IT drove me nuts like there were men in the house that we're just you have to wear this just and I would have to go to dinners with her and like, behave so that I wouldn't mess IT up for her and you know, was of very high stick situation. Her appearance was everything and you know back that that was your currency. And I just remember going, i'm never gonna this like this is it's disrespectful to myself as disrespect.

I just wanted to be self sufficient kind of before I started dating anybody, because I never wanted to be thinking about the amount money they were making and or I never wanted them to have to take care of me. I was just like, too embarrassing, you know. And so I think that I work so hard to be independent, and that's what I talked about, my stand up.

And so I think that by the time I got pregnant, people were kind of like, oh, like, chee does have vulnerability. He does have a softness to her. And I think a lot of women right now, we are afraid to show that side of ourselves, you know and I think that there's lot of strength and vulnerability and there's lot of strength and showing a soft quote, femininity. But right nevers here like come off so tough and i'm one of the guys that it's just sort of I don't think you realize that, that's actually we could I knew and a lot of .

why do you think they're trying to do that? What do you think that trying to get out of what do think .

there's a couple of things I think for me, i'll be a little bit specific. Like, you know, I I had a dad that wanted boys like, you know, I thought he was for D A very Young age. I was just kind of know, treated like a boy.

I was all about how successful I could be IT IT was all about how good at my grades could be. My dad would wake up and quiz on spelling work about achievement um and there was awkwardness about my femininity. Um and then you know played sports, was rewarded for being tough, became a you know female comic, sort of had a new to myself in a lot ways. You know that's my specific thing. I you know women, I think you know I think there's like there's a lot going on, but I think that for me personally, I wanted so badly to just succeed in my career without anyone thinking that I was sleeping around or flying or using my looks to get ahead.

because the last thing that you would want would be, oh SHE shocked away to the top of the total poll.

So I just always wanted to be like, kind of extra hard and sort of extra bull decks is kind of like, i'm one of the guys, so they know whatever flat with me. So that would never be rules around that. I was like sleeping my way, getting anything I didn't deserve.

So I think I overcompensated a little bit um I think I was scared um of you know having an invulnerability. So I pretended to be tougher than I was. Um I think there was that I think you're kind of taught at a Young age being a girls of weakness.

It's not a strength. That's what I was taught you know was like you're go on the playground and the boys they let go play and the girls they go be careful, you're going to hurt yourself. You're going to rip your tight. You know that's like pounded IT into us at a very early age is you're more delicate um your week and I always want to like, no, no, not I want to help my dad, you know I want to get on the latter and help them fix the roof. I was like, no, you don't get to do that. You rather get to do that, you know so I think for me I thought like I so much to prove um you know and and then I think that you know just fear and insecurity you know I think that a lot of times when you know you are very ambitious and i'm very open about that and I think I thought I had to sort of just come off really tough so that people took me seriously.

Are you seeing a new potential advantage of embodying the vulnerable, the feminine? Is this the new competitive advantage that you think .

you could I really think IT is, you know, I think that again, this is probably easy for me to say because I have accomplished a lot of my goals. You know, there is a strong argument to say that what I did worked. You know, that I could go in a room a full of a bunch of executives, and there are three men there and two women there.

And whatever energy guy came in, I didn't threaten the women because I wasn't like using flooding, or I wasn't know using feminine advantages or whatever that would look like. Like I always wanted to make sure women like to be, especially in audiences, you know, and accurate, that audience. So IT maybe IT worked.

There's an argument you to say that I did. And now is the perfect time to kind of be soft and show that side of myself. But I think that I did have to know a crew a certain amount of success in order to give myself permission to be able to be feminine and be soft.

Talk to me about that transition because I don't know. I think if I was to make a prediction over the next ten years, I think that we're going to see a maybe I would put a little bit down. Do we going to see a flip? And the male body this mopy is already on track to overtake female body this mothy within about ten to fifteen years.

But I think that the crisis from an identity perspective is going to be on women, not on men. I think we have a crisis of masculinity at the moment, but I think burbling blood, the services is going to be a crisis of femininity, thinks that. But I I would like to think that the guys are going to be OK.

I can't do as much for the girl, so I am unable to put my finger on the poles. But I would say that a men are maybe going to be much more concerned about appearance, and girls are going to be much more concerned about identity. But talk to me about that transition of going from being pod brush to now having to kind of in soft open and allow them because I I .

know I grew up at a home that was very rough. I think your english, I mean, maybe you know that kind.

it's taking in blood, ordinary and scam and posting each other.

There was not a passive aggressive shit. There was lot of alcoholism. There was a lot of really deep seated shame and biting bullshit. So know, by the time I get out in the world, that also just kind of like how I thought I had to talk to people, I thought that was Normal um and being around male commerce all the time, you know a rough roughed you up a little bit as well so I had a hard time turn IT off like in relationships in such um but i'm sorry, I what what is the question to oh your .

transition yeah how did you find you've got you've had to go from being that person who is playing the masculine role in some ways like the masculine feminine role, which is like even over tuning your masculinity and now you're like, okay. Now i've got to like care about this. I got three weeks yeah to be to become A A fucker mother.

You know, it's interesting because it's like my brain gets like a little bit scram around this because you know in terms of master equality and feminine qualities, it's like I can flag them sometimes because i'm like a lot of the qualities that I have used us AR that I think see masculine have been like i've been nurturing. I just nurtured my career.

You know, I mean, it's like i'd treated my career that know like a child how I should treat the husband or something. And now i'm kind of I I would nurture other comics. I would nurture the writers that I worked to etho ized.

Like i've always kind of had that, but I never really turned IT towards myself or towards a relationship. So now i'm kind of going. I think the main switch for me is that now that I have achieved my goals, I can turn that energy onto a child and a relationship.

I was very cleared my twice, that I was not ready to attract the man that I wanted, that if he came along, he would not be, he would not be down, you know. So I was very much in my twin. I was like, I need to become the person that I would want, the guy that I want to be with, that they would actually be rested.

I think that's a pretty noble way to look at developing yourself generally a good a friend, David parl, who is still think he's been with dismissed for girlfriend for two years or so. And he's fucking by sorted with that, like absolutely in lavada.

And I went to lunch with them when I first to us, and about eighteen months ago, and we sit down and his super successful, he's got this big online business, and he does like to stuff and helping people's lives to be becoming Better, right, is online. And he said not to realized, spent most of my thirties making myself into the dad that my future kids want. Like, wow, that's fucking cool.

I love like, even though you didn't have the relationship, you didn't have the kids. Now, I mean, love. And that honeymoon period of a relationship will do all manner of crazy things to someone's mindsets so who knows that he's not just in like a oxo fever dream but yeah, he said that knows that's really lovely and kind of doing the same thing of turning yourself slowly of a time into the person that the partner you want to be within future would be attracted to.

Seems like cool thing. And it's like the idea that I want have a ship together. I don't want to be some mess that he had to clean up, even though a lot guys a mess.

And I get a little frustrated at times because there's times where you know the me guys that i'm talking to and they are like and then my last girlfriend, this and I have together and I am still paying for a therapy. And then I and I like I might not be crazy enough like if you need to clean up a mess, like i'm not your person. I tried so hard to have my shed together so the time a man came along, I didn't seem like a hassle or like I didn't feel like I was their daughter.

Some wear shit um and you know but I I do think that like you know I had a situation where both my parents were sick. They both had strokes very Young so my entire like late twenty years and thirties they were in beds and I was like, you know what parenting doesn't have a kid like you should start parenting your kids when you're in your twenty. Start taking care yourselves.

Your kids don't have to take care of you with there and there twenty. So I started thinking like that at a very Young age. And I started going like being a wife doesn't start when you meet your guy like, let me start that now let me now have a bunch of, like, weird axes around. Let me now have a bunch of, like, let me just start taking care of myself and not having a bunch of messes that they have to clean up in a bunch of weird guys that are going to be be to you know, I always like thought that way very really .

on there's something I had this conversation with the director of relationship science at hinge. Uh, he wrote bug, really interesting lady. And he was saying, may be related to that, you know, people find any, you do this with friends too. You meet someone you like, oh my god, we've got such a connection as such a Spark here. But what you don't realize is that person, Sparky, with everybody, it's just called like really, really over tuned .

charm or Chrism A.

G A anything. But it's that special necessarily. That's not to say that box stone exist. Some people do come together, but a lot of times I okay. Is this person like this with me because of me? Or do they do IT to the best of that, serves them the coffee and the parking attendant that helps them with their ticket, like they just know.

pausing this all over the play? Yeah, that's a really interesting one. I mean, that brings up something that really bothers me when I see online or like her girls but I love bombed me and then I didn't hear from it's like or he just liked to and you got wac and then he stopped you or you know, is that this pathological thing of what you're talking about.

where someone comes in and tries to like razzed le people, is finishing about, you know, need to be about relationships, friendships. There is something why you, someone that too keen with anything like you call the machines. It's.

but if it's the right person, is IT ringer. I don't know .

what causes two people to become intertwined romantically or you know socially or whatever, a lot of different ways that can happen, but there's definitely a way that you can make yourself more or less leering by, you know, not just being present all the fucking time, right? If is someone coming up, this is definitely something I realized since who do you say like socially batting above my average over the last few years and constantly being in rooms with people and like cheese fucking cries like holding together all together um as that happened, the best thing that i've learned is just to like leave the room or say goodbye.

I'll say few things and you think that you need to investing and i've definitely noticed that with myself is like people's behavior has changed at least a little bit over the last couple of years to me as they now start to see whatever the fuck they think they see, which is to me, just still like this weird guy from britain. Uh, but their behavior changing. I also noticed that when someone's like, you know, they use gravity in the brief and the man to say, whatever, whatever. And if you like guys.

nice little. I wish I this part has existed when I was in my twenty because I was the congest. And uh, you are making me think of some of the most successful people, allow others to project on to them.

So just say as little as possible and let people just project on someone. Start with the fact that someone really likes you, right? And then it's all downhill from there.

The more you try to overtalk or over apologize or control them, you look look at your motives of what you're saying and what you're, hey, how are you good to see you if that's just IT is you OK do you need me think? Then just turns into being anchored, then just turns into you're trying to make them like you and people feel IT like people feel that energy, that desperate predatory energy. And like, percerin fascinates me because he will say as a little as possible publicly.

And SHE just allows us to project onto her. SHE doesn't beyond, I never speak. Once you never hear her speak, she's on a couple interview she's done over here in there. SHE did a documentary, but he says as little as possible, adam sander doesn't do entered I mean, the capa doesn't interviews and as someone that just talks for a living, there's times like, right, we'll try to you've already kind of said everything you need to say. Now you're just confusing people, trying to control them, micro manage them or just feel space.

Is your nervous? Yeah, that's the space for people is kind of show you who they are or what they are, no matter who IT is right in the fucking person on the street or the person that drink you definitely thinking about. Thinking about what happens when someone tries too hard to be not forthcoming, but they like liable in a way.

And I think this is fundamentally why simps a simply behavior amongst men in particular, is so IT causes, even in men and some women, apart from the women that are benefiting from IT, IT causes so much sort of aversion and and discomfort. Because this a sense that if this person is, despite with this goal, what is there to say that they're not just going to, in a sneaky focus, sync me? I think it's referred to in a biology where the is a slip streaming effect.

I like the lesser mail, will try and do sneaky shit to trying like get access sexual access to females. And yet there's something about being super, super apply able that makes someone feel unreliable like you want to know that your friend, even if they your best friend has limit, yes, because if they just continue to fold and it's okay. So where are you if I just keep digging, digging, digging? I hit anything solid? Or do I just come out the other side of you because you will continue to fold around me? That's not what you want from a friend.

That's not what you'd want from a partner. It's not what you want from a parent. It's not we want from a member of your community. You would want someone who is curious but firm, right? Like, he's my, he's my boundaries, and i'm going to care about you up until the point of which you get to something that appropriates like my limit.

There is a some. I actually learn a lot about my own energy, and like probably what I give off on, like dates or this or that, because sometimes when I try to go like don't try too hard, don't try too hard. That's the thing about trying to be softer, whatever.

Like, you know, I I, I can't like try to be like sometimes I come up like silly and like just just be who you are. I I know I already have like an intense energy about me. I do actually if anyone um is looking for some kind of way to you, look in the mirror about your energy acquin therapy as a miracle and there's ways to do IT where you don't have .

to own a horse hang hang .

on hang gang or just work with prey animals .

and something new, right? You knew you going talking two horses.

you're not talking to horses basically being around horses are because they are pray animals and their hurt animals. Only reward is serenity. Any other emotion besides complete serenity, ity boils down to fear.

So if you're truly doing acquaint therapy with the horse that's not been broken, that doesn't have a bit on, or a bride where it's being forced to be near you IT will choose to be near you only if you're eminent, complete reddy and being present in the moment. So if you're next to a horse and you're like, I got to take a picture because I wanted to that just boils down to fear to them. So they're just like, I feel fear stare I got to there's .

a problem so can you go to a range that will do therapy with horses? Is such a thing .

thera solution .

that's like for whatever is emotional support animal? Daniel sss Scottish, and he's fucking fantastic. He's got a bit about all of the different weird animals that he is seen, the emotional support peacock.

And he he got this bit about an emotional support hammer that this woman uses like a fuck and stressed ball. And then when he kills IT, SHE throws IT away and takes another one out of a pocket and start go. So whatever I think about support animals, I do this. yes. So you can do equine therapy with train horses.

And it's very simple, like literally, I mean, you can even if you if there's a ranger, you you can ask to volunteer and go to stand in a stable in a paddock. With the horse announced, that note sounds crazy. See if the horse wants to be near you.

See if the horse wants to gravitate towards your energy. If you're being in the present moment and you're not untruest anyway, you're not needed in anyway. You're not trying to get the horses attention.

You're not trying to get the horses love. If you're just taking care yourself, they will move naturally towards you. They don't need anything from you because they're pray animals, they're grazers. They can get grasp any time where dogs want to be near you because they're waiting for food, that dogs are not loyal, like, though I love them, but they have a vested interest in being near you, right? And like, my dog loves me and then stranger opens their cards and my dog jumps inside.

And like, horses have no need and no legions to you, right? So this is an amazing exercise that had really helped me work on my energy because i'd be like standing next to this horse, standing next to me, they're grazing, everything's good. And I like, okay, well, going to move soon because I can.

Just, what if? What if they notice something different and what if? And then the horse starts moving away.

And then I start going out, moved away. And such a peace ship, they moving for that. They just want to be as far from you as possible.

And then when I start going, okay, well, this isn't going to work. I guess I should just, okay, should I do later? I guess I need, do a home. I need to work out and other horses come back to you do?

Do you need someone or do you get someone when you do equine therapy to help you? We integrate because it's not like the horse is going. Hey, hey, chill out.

We need to work on lady. Chill out a little bit. You need to think less about .

thanking the house way to see the energy .

you're giving.

It's exactly that. And I didn't realize that I was giving off a desperate, needy energy and that I mean, people listening I get we could tell you know, i'm the .

community didn't need .

a horse weather bin for i'm like, you know, i'm gone on stage for a living and i'm like, love me, love me, like me, like me and then know I would, which is a very important skill, is being an entertainer, is making sure that people on stage like you, but as soon as you get off stage like you can't be breaking that energy if people so it's about being self contained and it's about going like i'm just going to be in the truth of this present moment with this person instead of trying to control whether they like me or not because you're trying to make someone like you. It's very repEllent.

yeah and it's interesting that the horse is able to pick up on the dubbing, said the mental fucking genista s the hall girls will go through to just be able to .

spend more time .

on a range is just doing therapy with me. So I actually need to go, I actually need to go and see my therapy.

I would find, I would go with everybody, just lie to them, because I would try to make the therapies like me, or try to impress them, or try to be the most fucked up, or try to be the most recovered, or whatever IT was.

Jimmy carr told me this thing while I was with him, saying, the true definition of an entertainer is, if you don't like me, I don't like me. Outsourcing your self worth to the crowd is comedians desperately want to be loved, but entirely on their own terms.

Too real, Jimmy. It's too real. It's way too real, you know. So I think it's, I know what you do for a living. We're all you know where reading the comments, we want to make sure the people listening to us like us.

We want to be perfect, we to get IT, right? But then you go on a date and you're like trying to ACE the test and you're just trying to have ascertained if we like have good chemistry and we can be me to alone together or kind of thing. So I found that, like, I had a really hard time ascertaining the kind of energy I .

was giving on both from the other side is just seeing someone performing. You just performing.

forming here, and then you perform .

and then and then you get them then are in love with someone that .

isn't you there are .

in love with the person that on you.

you've never met me yet. And then or one day the jig is up and you're exhausted and .

then you're yourself and met yet is such a an awesome line, is really, really cool. I did I did this breath work class in awesome on a on a thursday. I went last night. And if you've it's not super intense breath work, but it's enough like regulate the nervous system. And one of the things if you've never done IT for extended like half hour plus period of time, little bit like psychiatric is a bit more difficult to hold on to control or you just see patterns arise a little bit more easily.

Um and my executive function and that's what you kind of notice he ten minutes like me pottering around saying, hey, can you just do this like that always on and I wonder, I think this is probably quite a common pattern for the sort of people that are listening that you can afford to listen to us walk alone, you know talking about human psychology, whatever. Um there's a degree of like wanting to do IT right am I doing this right? Like is this could I do IT? But how can I optimize this? And I I I wonder if I breathe a little bit more quickly with IT, if I would break a little bit.

But I hoped the the lady is teaching the class things that i'm doing IT, right, like if SHE comes near with the thing like that energy of just, it's like an insecurity in some ways. And one of the weird externalities that comes from this is IT can be very, very successful, right? IT drives you to be so detail oriented to focus on things to A A degree of my news show that gives you an unbelievable competitive advantage.

But the felt sense of that can be you tripping over these tiny, tiny little things and permanently being vigilant, right? Like the pray animal thing you're being vigilant for, what's the next thing that needs to be fixed? And the money lady that takes the class yesterday, uh, pipes up every so often.

It's fucking great, like sound healing with breath work. And then the final thirty minutes you just let you do whatever you once I pay, I pay someone to watch me nap on the third day for a good month time again. Yeah but he said at the very beginning of the class of our way through SHE said, don't forget you're not fixing a problem and I like fuck that's good like you're not trying to fix the problem, you just doing the thing.

I also think that these are survival mechanisms that served this really well. And IT helps them to close the program called adult dren. Alcoholic is best if you group in in alcohol a com in order for alcohol, lisa, be present.

Alcohol doesn't have to be present, so if you didn't see drinking, it's fine if you grow up on any kind of chaos as a child, you became a parente fied child. So if in any way you had to parent your parents or take care of yourself too Young. Um you know where the kids that were so mature for our age and we were the old soul and the ones that made up her own lunch and you know basically went, i'm on my own here. These adults are, you know do not have their .

ship to get that looks like a survival that's correct.

So I grow now all come divorce things. We need a lot of fighting. I had to be hypervigilant IT served me really well as a child.

My mom was going through about divorce. Know drank a lot SHE was you know didn't have the tools we all have that generation didn't have podcast like this. You know they didn't have um these yes they didn't have .

sound bath classes and stuff.

They were just drinking and White nuckles through IT. And so any time I had a need or I want SHE was very overwhelmed he was crying at a very early age, was like don't have any needs, constantly make sure that you know yourself contained, self deprive, make sure this is okay. Because if he comes home and says that this is mess up, he is going to have a connect tia, and then i'm going to have to deal with that.

So IT really helps. There's a step in the program that really helps you kind of like sort of enter promo fies these voices and be able to do this little exercise where if you you you know i'm in the sound bath class and it's are going doing IT, right? And what if the instructor doesn't think you're doing IT well enough? They don't think they're good.

I'm going I know that is don't need you right now. I need you to sit back on the bench. Thank you so much.

You helped out when I was six by bit, you know? So you're kind of able to sort of like like personal y and away some people call their shadow, their inner bully, whatever the fuck you want to call. But there is sometimes that I come off stage and it's like that wasn't good enough and do IT and like, thank you. I want to be Better at this vote that is actually when I do need you so yeah, I get in the fucking game because i'm shooting especial a week and let's like crush this, you know but I don't need IT when i'm a meditation glass so I like, have those at all exert I do that help.

What are the modalities that have helped you go from where you are in your twenties to someone that IT feels like you've got the shit sorted now? Or bees, at least a .

little bit close to be? So god, twelve, their program really helped me. I just feel like people you don't talk about IT when it's like A A or N A, it's na is not codex anonymous. Like I think people really talk about these twelve p programs when it's recovering from a, but when you're in A C A or Allen on, it's more about recovering from the internal drug cabinet, which is coras all in a general. So the drama addict, right?

The sort of if you grew up and now call a calm, you know, you might gravitate towards being relationships with people that you have to fix or rescue or you're in these toxic, addictive relationships that you know are really good, but you can't really get out and you're finding yourself being the persons say, I hate drama, but you're always in some kind of drama. You know, for me, I really had to get a handle on that because I was in relationships of people that I had to rescue. I was dating people I had to fix.

I thought I had to take care of everybody. I was taking care of friends like I was just always the crisis person. You know, you feel alive in a time of crisis.

That's just our comfort zone that really served me in some of my work situations, but not in my personal life, to giant with the time wasn't taking care of myself. You know, the three arms we call IT, mothering, micro managing, murdering. You know, we are putting everybody else first, putting yourself last.

That just came naturally to me. Doing that program really helped me to not have guilt, saying no to people being disable, to stand up for myself, not doing anything out of obliged. Because if I was wasting so much time finding yourself, people pleasing a lot yeah and people pleasing, we say, as a form of us, holly, because you're doing something out of obligation.

You know, like if I said to you, okay, will you come to my podcast and you really have to do don't do me the favor because that's so embarrassing to me, do you don't mean it's like patronizing. It's like, you know, so it's a lot it's a lot of people pleasing you. They cause the exploding dora s you know super night all the time to everyone.

And then one day you just fuck and snap and you know you're actually secretly keeping score. You know it's like you're doing IT to make other people like you. So I had like you know rewire a lot of that shit. I S got a lot of IT for my mom um and like deep program, what I believe was expected .

to me new strong guide to the game now like fucking reawakens, you know totally aligned sort of meditation person IT seems I saw a tweet from him a couple of weeks ago that said unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments is cries, said codependent .

breeds resettle right? Exactly IT. So it's like being in relationships and going you like like little adages. I do well with attitudes like they just do complicated brains I think do really well with little things maims and .

authority isms are a huge way to synthesize down a bigger message into something that you can remember, right? Like here is this very blood idea about how the story we tell ourselves largely determines our experience of IT. Because if your heart rate s high after you've done to workout, you feel great. But if your heart raise just randomly was high in traffic, you would go to the hospital. And then there's this bit for marketers, alias, that says, the whole universe is change and life itself is but what we dem IT life itself is but what we dem.

I think it's like nine words and most profound nine words in philosophy life that tells is but what we do not encapsulate all of this big thing yeah so like I understand a quote on that for bucky people with all of these different these different references is I know maybe maybe IT doesn't time some, but for me these are the way markers that remind me it's like a little mantra. It's like, okay, does my fucking desire for unproved and self a steam again? And I remember ryan holiday saying self belief is over ated generate evidence. fantastic. There we go.

I just yeah exactly .

and it's I know if you lost in the worlds kind of confusing at the moment and people really don't know where to find that meaning from. And should I do the career, do the mother thing? Should I rely on a partner? Can I trust, rely on a partner? Is he or SHE going to be fucking baking in porn or fucking cada asians or whatever IT might be? So alright, will find somewhere firm and firm things can be little philosophes and principles.

the reliance. So yeah, you say baking .

in porn maybe show .

what's backing mean.

I don't fucking immer themselves.

I made SHE was in porn that would .

also happen OK actually. Um okay, so you said this A A thing in A C A total miracle .

because it's also free medicine. Um it's totally free. Working with animals, I started rescuing dogs, Fostering dogs. I know this is going to sound like crazy animal lady, but IT really helped me because I realized I had such self, same stuff, self a steam stuff.

And I didn't have a dog like, I didn't have something that was just giving me unconditional love, you know, and I kind of that really helped me. I had some intimacy stuff, and I realized a lot of my toughness had to do with being scared of intimacy, being scared of being loved, maybe being scared of being rejected. Or if you actually see me, you're gonna a reject me kind of thing. So animals really helped me with that, because that gives you, like you, really, around a little bit data, like this dog kind of know, I kind of had to start there.

no matter how much of a piece of shit I might think I am and how much I fear that the world thing I am, my dog loves.

i'm doing pretty good. Yeah, this thing that I think is cool.

He's alive. He seems to be happy that i'm here. You had this, I heard you say this point. I think it's criss having a kid or maybe IT was him having a kid is the opportunity to finally love something that isn't just yourself.

I can't wait. The clarity that comes with just even being pregnant right now has been set in the emotional maturity that has come. With that, I highly recommend being pregnant IT really well.

because you can sees a therapy. The hot.

yes, well, because it's like that, I mean, I spend so much time like going, like I do this. Do I need to do this? And I think that i've always had this ticking clock on my brain.

Is a performers like, i'm a woman, i'm getting older and I going inspired or am I just going to get tired like I know I didn't want, you know, work like an animal forever. I knew that like in my twenties and thirties I was like, i'm going to grind like an animal and then i'm going to have a personal life. I always saw that way and maybe that's a little bit like psycho.

I mean, in my twice, like I was in a couple of relationships that were kind of like two people kind of bull, trina avoided intimacy sort of thing, but I wasn't wasting a lot of time dating. I just I I didn't know what to do with myself in terms of dating. I know that I wasn't ready to be serious with anybody. And I was like, let me just check all these career boxes and then i'll be able to do the personal. I think I couldn't manage .

doing both the ones I would remember. I had thought one of sixteen, and I was doing martial arts, doing like come food or something. That was this retreat that we went to him.

One of the guys that was was in the army, and mum had beaten into me from very early age, was gonna to university. First person, I think, first person, my family to go to university, like fucking big extended family. But one of the only few people to go.

And she's always said, you going to university, university. But there was this point when we went to this retreat for confu. And this guy was there who was in the army and may be a few years older than me.

You just explaining about what life was like even then I was sixteen, before social media, before telephones, before anything right? When before telephones, before mobile phones. And it's so as significantly less complex world than the one that we find ourselves in now and the one that many people that are listening might only know, right?

And I remember looking at this guy, he was explaining about his experience in the army and thinking, wow, I would love to do that purely because all of my efforts would be committed to one thing, and I would never need to make decisions about life. And that kind of makes me think about the same energy that's coming from the opportunity to finally love something that isn't yourself. But like all I do, keep this thing alive.

make happy and, you know, and it's in really quick just in terms of the animal thing. I also think that we waste a lot of time you know trying to you know as we say in program like you know, don't try to meet internal needs with external things, you know, whether it's drugs, whether it's alcohol, whether it's people.

And for me, I was never a drug is in an alcohol person, but I was definite a people person with, if I just have this many friends, if this high status person likes me, maybe i'm worth something. If this guy is attracted to me, maybe that means that i'm not totally nothing, but like having a lot of emotional needs met from animals really did, I think, keeps me out of a lot of trouble. And I think where, you know, I heard on your show talking about, like, you know, people not dating as much anymore, I know that in a lot of ways a bad thing.

But when you're in your twice, like how do you get your emotional needs math, you're not wasting time and hurting other people and hurting yourself being in relationships you shouldn't be in, you know? And I think I kind of accidentally hacked that by Fostering dogs. I had, like, all these animals I was always Fostering and i'm like, crazy dog lady, but like, at least I didn't have a kid before I was ready, at least I didn't marry someone. I had no business marrying and I feel like that .

could have happened, right? So you had your emotional needs met by, sorry, get children. Sorry, sorry.

sorry for children. yes. But now it's like, you know, I got ta say a lot of the things that i've been working so hard to try to get this clarity of like and I in this friendship because of obligation, I in this friendship because i'm confusing love and pity and then you get pregnant you're just like, yeah I I year once a month friend you're not a once a week friend.

You might be like a once a year friend quite Frankly like, do I need to buy this person to thank you gift because they had no, I texted. Thank you. That's enough. You know, there's like a sort of .

a consistent ity.

There's a simplicity that comes over you. Um there is a relief of bondage of self, like what we do for a living. There's just kind of this narcisse you can escape of like I wake up every morning and like, how can I improve myself today? How can I create something today? What do I need to do to stay relevant?

You you know like you know for today, i'm just going to eat well, i'm going to take care of myself and then like really commit all routine that i've kind of pretended to commit to for so long. You know in terms of taking care of myself for me, you know there's a lot of work about like the inner child and like nurturing your and now that I have a literal inner child, it's IT really is all started to come together. So when I see people who have a kid and in the life just get amazing and like, oh, I get that because you really start walk in the .

walk that's so interesting. It's very eliminating to think about, I know like the forcing function of the kid bringing all of your bullshit to bear. It's like like you can't you can't be bothered again.

Had Chris talk about this when you go spoke where he said when he, when his kids were Young, his boys would be messing ing back and fourth in the group chat, did you see that such as such, a person did this and he didn't even i'm not even fucking got time to read this so all of the extraneous bullshit gets filled but I wonder whether and I certainly this would um work um I saw this with union as well that the adjourning of having something very important and a time demanding and and on or a deadline and dependent on you whether that be a career education or in a political ideology that are fighting for on the internet, whatever is it's exhilarating. Yes, right IT, it's almost like a story. Get child in a way and you're applying and offer a lot of pressure and a lot of attention toward this thing. And there is a sense of like like i'm bringing something to bad, like this is manifesting in the world, but it's I know it's like a simulacrum of what you're actually working toward.

right? And it's also like no one if you my in when I was in my twice told me OK money and fame is not going to do for you. yes.

IT, well, you know, like IT ever. It's really just about family and you can take the money with you and you're like, okay, i'm poor. So I I like none of that ship.

Mt, no one wants to hear that should. So that's not what i'm about to say in any capacity. But to me, I kind of feel like, yes, I accomplish all of these goals that I had.

I've had success. I'm financially solved in you're like and now what? And now one, okay. Now am I just I think you've talked about this.

You have like one person you're doing your career at, you know, I mean, like, i'm doing that. I just did a sixth special. I'm like this. Was this just for the other female comedian to know that I did another one? What is IT like?

Pick your enemies. yeah. I mean, the question of, and now what? Now what is so fucking interesting?

Like, just keep running that. Keep running that back, right? Okay, what are you doing? Okay, i'm doing the career thing.

okay. And and, and H, I want to do this career, get the promotion, okay. And then and then I will be able to for the house.

And then and you just keep on running IT all the way forward. You go, oh yeah, there's nothing. There's no Better eventually.

Did you like, did IT did IT work? Did you make your dad dad love you? Like, did IT because I go like, what's the thing i'm going for? Like, okay.

But my parents who did try to get their attention that and we're okay. I didn't unbreadlike heart from when I was, you know, thirty one and that thing happened. I didn't make me not getting asked to prom go.

You know, it's like you're kind of like, didn't, oh, right now what? And I feel like I was working towards all this to be able to go. I need to check all these boxes. So when I have a family, i'm not resentful and i'm not still running around trying to get these boxes checks because I did watch a mother tried to have a career and I was slowing her down. I felt IT, I absolutely felt IT.

How much of that you know, it's a really lovely narrative that you've got woven together here, which is, I did the hard things in my twins, and part of my third enabled me to be a mother. Now can you remember how much if that was planned in advance, in how much, if that is, you post talk, rationalised ing IT now and being like what this is a cute story that puts a bow on the top of this box.

That's that's very interesting. I mean, I think that I you know, I think that at the time I presented as one of these women, that is what I want to I always said that I don't want IT, which is that up protest too much, obviously, right? We all become what we hate whatever.

But I definitely presented as, no, i'm not having kids focusing on my career, uh, like i'm never going. I mean, I had A T V show that was about how I was afraid of commitment and didn't want to get married. You know, this was I was just broadcasting my damage, everybody in some way maybe to asked to be healed or, you know, whatever IT was there.

I was very much like, kind of grew up in public. I did get a lot of feedback, which was interesting, like it's interesting to grow up in front of people and show all your wounds and then have people kind of confront you about them. I was like, I wanted to get Better, I wanted to change, I wanted to grow.

But I I definitely knew I didn't want to have a family in my twenty. I was like because I don't want to do what my parents did and i'm too afraid of what's in my i'm too broken you know was my narrative and then by the time my thirties came around I was like I got engaged wasn't quite right um I was really trying but I just wasn't I wasn't healed. I just wasn't healed yet. And I think that I always had maybe I was my code dependence was saving me because I didn't want to hurt and nobody like I really don't want to heard anyone. I really when i'm in relationships and I know no.

that's interesting that you were almost people blessing the imaginary partner that you hadn't yet met. I don't want to hurt them. I know that if I try to do this thing and it's not gonna well, then they'll be sad. And if they are sad, i'm going to feel like an absolutely fuck piece of shit.

And I can't fake IT. I just I can't, I can't let I mean.

I think it's being a terrible of being a comedian like.

I see these people that are like, if you have eighty percent of what you want, you should settle for that and like, but then how do you? I might got to lie to this person because then I won't respect them, because if they believe the lie, then I lose respect for them unlike you just bought that. Like I just I guess I might be too much of a romantic, which is not how people would see me, but I kind of like really one of the thing or two people could be totally authentic together. And I was a capable of being authentic until fairly recently.

there was a guy, super successful guy, who completely stopped doing all online content to switch to a different sort of a business. And was that a retreat with him? Few months or maybe four months or something like that.

I was talking to him now saying, you know, he had stopped doing the online contenting because he had A A bigger project in a bigger business that he loved, and he felt like he was contributing to the world in a Better way through. But another thing he said to me, which is really fucking stuck with me, was he found himself saying things not only as content, but also to his friends, and explain the reasons why stopping quite a social. He found himself telling people's stories in public that he then felt like he needed to live up to in private.

So he was weaving. And that was the reason I asked about the beautiful boat, that upon the box, it's like, this is a nice story, right? But how much of IT is just a good thing that not only you can tell yourself, but that sounds great on a podcast and how much of that is really there? And it's really hard.

You know, it's not the sort thing that going to want packed like that, but that one fucked in sentence of senate Jesse. He would like fucking sixteen guys, gays thing ever, but and he says this thing and has many, haven't like a many fucking existential crisis is the hevens open unlike while that super profound, I must remember to write that down. And yeah, I was telling me myself stories, telling stories in public. I had to live up to .

in private okay then i'll tell you the ugly parts that that don't have the bone necessarily I do think that you know um and and I sometimes I get I get a little bit um where he washed about saying things that I feel like only applied a forward facing people you know like that is is not applicable. But everybody now has social media. Everybody now is a public in some.

And there's a sort of microvision of what we do for everybody. And I think that starting a podcast I you know look, I had done, especially a year, was kind of, know what you do was a comedian. You tour around the country, then you start a podcast and you're kind of broadcasting all of your personal details of your life.

You're talking about dating people, you're talking about sexual stuff. And I think IT hurt me. I definitely think I had to start really looking at that and just going like what the guy that I want to be with sign up for this, and .

completely open about all of my sexual conquest in the past. And so .

which joking ever IT is, but I just kind of was like, I don't know if the guy that I want to to be would want to be with the public figure.

let me give you. So one of my smart st. Friends marry hring. To know one person you need to get on your podcast is Louis paris. So he wrote the case against the the sexual revolution.

Yes, mary is like she's just another version of the low is basically from the U. K. Very smart. Lady SHE came up with this idea of digital modesty. And digital modesty. A SHE says that there needs to be boundaries about what people share on the internet and she's got different ones.

She's like a little bit more kind of a reclusion and she's a right or rather than A A podcasts as I guess that makes a little bit of a difference as well. But if he talks about i'll never post photos of my kids who where I live, the places that go to IT like like she's got this big list and it's a set of principles that SHE doesn't cross. I don't think a partner exists on the internet break coup a just got engaged from the daily.

why? I think the first and last time anyone on the internet going to see unsay future husband, like the back of his head in a photo of them getting engaged in roma, whatever IT was. And SHE came on and he said, I got engaged.

IT was this thing SHE spent maybe four minutes talking about IT and then said, and that's the last time i'm going to talk about my partner. And I was like, he's not on the internet. He doesn't to be in the internet.

And I love him for IT and it's like that digital modesty and but you're totally right as well. You can be a person who is living the most Normal non public facing life in the world. But you've got you know two thousand followers on instagram and your friends from school is still keeping up today with what you do via facebook, like you have these rules to. And in some ways, those people even more intimate in your lives because they have been a part of IT for so long. And they know your cousins, and they know .

where mom and IT hard to develop intimacy with people when I have such an intimate relationship with the people that have read my book and listen to my podcast. And then you set down with someone that you've been with for six months. And like, I didn't know you strugling with eating stuff and i'm like, what I wrote a bug at Better way near like, oh, way to second like, you haven't heard everything that i've said you and it's a weird thing we are like, you're like, am I attracting people that want to be with someone that's like this and then I .

have to live up to the first you also have a degree of uh like noising guilt about the presumption that people would have seen the thing like what you didn't read my food .

but but I didn't which, by the way, think god, you didn't you wouldn't be here if you had but also it's more like, oh, I don't want to make the assumption I if you didn't but I also like we can talk about other things too and i've already talked about this too much. But then they feel like they are left at things i'll be at the airport and someone to be like, I love your book, I moved me so much when you talk my work and yeah then they are like, we just when were engaged and then .

totally and guys .

are like, why do these strangers know more about you than I do? And what I mean.

this is why I think for a lot of people, regardless of how bigger, smaller platform is, as soon as you start a broadcasting about yourself on the internet, even to you, you know, thousand, thousand, thousand friends on on instagram, you then create another, you out there, there is you is this, and then there is the you that is the online persona. And people will make judgements about that. Tell you who I think is patient.

Fucking zero for what we're talking about. Fucking what's the name alex coop a from coal hoddy? yes. Like, yeah this is a girl who built a platform talking about, like the good seven thousand, how to give a good blow, job and episode whatever, of a podcast here and just roles forward extolling the virtues of casual sex and no strings attached attachment, and treat them like you don't like him. And this is what I got up to last night.

And marriage is a car, and you don't need to get into relationship and family hood, and you can do the goal, but thing, insist, is old sister hood forever. And then for the last three years has been dating this guy. And then like, fucking like A A transition, just fucking gender reveals herself to be like a fucking metro. I IT goes. There was rose peddles and the proposal, so beautiful and stuff.

I am like, do you know the wake of the cultural like after shock ah that's occurred behind you down stream of all of these girls believing this ideology that you for a good amount of time for like two or three years now yeah like you know and that must i'm sure that in her like she'll be able to feel that discord it's too easy for me to say you SHE was saying one thing and doing another and fuck her for that because you know i'm sure that she's struggled internally with that unless she's complete access. I don't think he is, but there is a bit that goes I could do come on like think about all of the fucking goals that have cast off relationships and done the casuals sex thing to allow guys to use and discard them, thinking that that was true feminine liberation. Meanwhile, you were getting ready to get engaged.

That is wild. I didn't. It's interesting because you know is someone that in my stand up I talked a lot about that stuff in my twenty, but I actually really shy about that stuff other like sex otherwise like i'm weirdly shy about IT.

So no, I haven't heard all of that. But yeah, I mean, you know, look, snowed. G said, you can't make a whole housewife.

Maybe you can. I don't know, I don't know. But I definitely do feel like one of the, you know, biggest problems people do.

Now we were kind of talking about that right as we came in, as they over pathologies themselves. And kind of ma bon, on the first day of the sudden, people are talking about their depression in their anxiety. And this is what happened to me when I was a kid.

My extra, I mean, and like why the fuck are you doing this on a first date? Like this is not first. I mean, that's something you share way, way later.

And I think people are getting relationship way too soon because they're traub bonding too soon. But I do feel like because I tend to kind of over share for a living on podcast, that's what we do, you know, to try to help other people. And then i'm like, god, I hope any guy that I could never date would never listen .

any of this something else about that digital modesty side, which is if you're already showing all of you on the internet, where is left to go that has additional .

intimacy beyond that. But then you just go like, am I changing everything about my career for this one person? And the answer is kind of yes. You're going like, i'm gonna post this video in case this one person i'm interested in might see you, which is a child sarfu to me you this might not even work out but like if he scroll past this and seize me being like drug gret or whatever, I don't know whatever is doing like i'm going to lose the guy this this would make the kind of guy that I want probably recoil and free and do I know .

thanks yeah it's I mean, you know we were talking you mention before about people pleasing and what you're basically doing that is saying the words that you think the person wants to hear without thinking the things that justify the thing that you're saying. It's like i'll say yes to go to the party despite not wanting to go to the party because I want to please the person. Even though if they could see the inner texture of my own thoughts, they would be like they would just feel so patronized and disgusted at the fact that I don't think they're able to take the news.

And then also, by the way, like what you think they are, cancel the party. Then the insecure article that i'm a piece of ship in the center of the universe of that of like little if I don't go there are gonna cancel IT, they'll be fine. We obsess about what other people think about us to realized they're not .

thinking about that. I think that's the same with uh, people trying to go through break ups in relationships and they are like how would they ever be able to live without this? I mean, they're entirely and then yeah the .

hl wrote a big the'd be fine. But I do think there is a point where it's like I see people going like why i'm ready to be serious and relationship and like does your social media reflect that you're ready to be serious relationship? Do you're dating up reflect that you're ready to be a serious relationship? It's like the idea of like before you right to get in something going to make sure you have made space for IT. Like a lot of people are like dating a bunch people casually or they're kind of in something in the like I want something real, like you gotten really be ready and I had to get to a point, right to go like, I have to go delete all these photos for mind. I have to delete .

all these video size. Your .

indian had loe.

E, see.

what did you do? I guess I kind of do I. Okay, so during the pandemic, you know, stand up is the first thing to go. I mean, california, I know, came in california first.

You just came.

You california was like, shut down, right? And so stand up was the first thing to go. And I had just spent so much of my career as like, you know, someone in television and stuff is having to sort of be this person and you know, you're trying to make this like executive have a crush on you to get this job.

I just was like, sick of is trying to be the this perfectly capable person. And then on top of that, I known that I had a ear off and then a bunch of my friends are losing their jobs. Um her artists make a artist stuff like that.

And then I had one who going to have to move back home with her health insurance. I was like, but most best thing we can do and she's like, tire hair, blow my cat and trainer. Why not, you know, not shooting anything right now. I didn't realize that when you have blue hair and things are lesbian academy like I think they are probably set me back in the dating, in the .

dating people.

why? Why can you a blue hair? Guys there are like.

he's nuts. And I think that lue has especially like that color. It's just it's got bad brand image, you know I mean but you know it's weird about IT.

A lot of guys started showing up at my house that thought I was some enemy.

There's like .

you are playing as there is some there is a really big fetish .

in some twitch communities in people that think video game .

character that is so funny. That's true. It's never happening .

in podcast, not one time. So right time the most like california new aking beat.

That's like the first ring tone. That's like the one that comes with the phone. I thought I just got the new phone and I I don't want to use IT.

Ah I didn't make the mistake but again, if I wasn't a public figure, I was didn't put him on social media like, you know, people y's got blue hair and like how many like great guys were? Like, never mind, you know so I think I was just about going like i've spent most of my career trying to peace fans and being entertainer. And I have to just go like i'm gonna have to take a hit in my career if I really want to have .

a personal life.

I think now for a lot of people, again, the unnecessary an media or whatever, there is A A degree of feeling like you need to live up to whatever expectation IT is the norms of this time, this generation, your parents, your past form as the passively resistance who confused chemical signals of your body, like whatever is that you're kind of being dragged by at the moment and asking yourself the question or right, so what me? Where am I inside of this? What's deeper? If I dig a little bit deeper, do I hit anything solid? Or am I just concatenation ation of a bunch of assumptions and and projections of my idea of what other people actually won for me?

It's like, you just made me realized something which is like, I was arrogant. And there is this what I was going to be authentic. And I have blue hair, and I do this.

and I talk about sex performance.

And you take me a lay back if you not like me, you know if I can get IT. And it's like, no, the person that would have been attracted to that, like, is not kind of person I wants to be with either, you know. So I don't want to gravitate, gravitate batch crazy people there is so like I can't behave badly crazy, all the type you know and expect vibrate person at the frequency of what I want.

So it's like a lot of people go like, like, this is what I want, a man, and this is what I want. No woman, I don't. What are you willing to give up? And I wasn't ready to make that list.

I had my list of approved, my list of cons, my list of red flags, my list of Green lights, but I didn't have. What are you willing to give up? Are you willing to give up those photos that are like silly and your asses out? Are you willing to give up those videos where you're going like man and making fun of man? Are willing to not put up that standard plant from when you were twenty two about scoring.

Like so what's interesting there is a for rich culture, difficult culture, right? So I think that's not far off like uh sacrifice culture or something like that.

It's realizing that your point there are things that you can do that can make up on and more and glass happy, but there would be a big part of the internet, perhaps like a female empowerment, authenticity boss itch internet, that would say, well, if your partner can't take you as you are, that's their insecurity in their problem and you, okay, well, do you agree that there are ways that you can make your partner feel Better and worse? Do you think that to think? Yes, there are on average.

Do you want to try and do things that make your partner feel Better without compromising yourself and becoming totally liable? Yeah, probably that will be something. It's right.

okay. So we are on the same page, just a difference of degree, not a difference of kind. So how many things like are you going to go out every single night party with the girls and never see a partner? Probably not right.

That's not going to be a good relationship. And they gonna feel uncomfortable with IT. All right. So IT seems we accept that it's one straight line to there are things that I will put on the internet, the digital modesty thing, again, there are things that I will say about myself. There are ways that I will act. There are things i'll say behind that back, you know, to my friends that I will and will not say the degrees of confidential and and openness about what we get up to in the bedroom or about, you know, what his fears are, about what she's been doing, like all of these things are like, I know this seems kind of noble to me.

a hundred percent agree. And it's also, there's a difference between, you know, I ve spent a lot of magical thinking and that's what magical thinking i'm going to get my girlfriend to and to weekend.

If he doesn't accept that is well, then you you going to get a certain kind of man i'm at a point again, I have nothing to prove like I think for what I say to women as I get to a place where you have nothing to prove so you can totally submit to your man and IT doesn't feel like you're like a bad feminine. There's a thing now where you can like if you cook for your man, you're not a good feminine and like you're dealing with knives and fire, it's cool. Like being able to feed yourself in your family is like a bad thing.

Now I you know, I just I think it's like so novel to be able to go like I can show my love for you by giving up all these other things and I just want to make you happy like what I do on stay. It's what I do with crowds. It's like I want to do with a man. Is that week?

Is that is investment, right? It's it's so strange that are a woman who would give herself over and man that would give themselves over to a corporate employer that does not give a fuck about them is somehow seen as being a virtuous, like, self defining independent person. But someone that does that for a partner is going to have spend the rest of their life for them. Ingenuity curacy.

As A I had I also think that um a big mistake women make is like women go to advice about men to their girlfriends, go to advice about men to your guy friends and also don't go to your single girl friends for advice about being in relationships. Go to your married .

friends yeah I mean all of your single friends tekla tuesday to keep happening which means that you know even if they're not aware of IT and even if they are fantastic friends, there is a part of them that thinks it's kind of like this is this idea in the black pill in the world of ascending. And ascending is becoming a variable mate for women, maybe, maybe even getting into a relationship.

And it's very heavily discouraged because if one of the guys within a group that are supposed to be genetic, that s that have no hope, does do something that creates a pain of a, well, this could happen to me. And as soon as you believe that this could happen to me, maybe the reason is not happening to you with your fault, maybe it's not determined already. And it's kind of the same with the single thing thing like if you're going to go and ask for advice about intimacy with someone who never really seems to be intimate with anyone, they're going to first love, not have A A particularly fantastic perspective, I don't think, unless they're unbelievably incisive. But second, if this is gonna a little bit of perverse incentive that data want their friend to start .

to pull away from them. 啊。 Oh, so interesting. I going to give you the advice. That makes what i'm doing seem like a good idea and also .

keeps you as a competitor so that we can both continue to do this together. You know where the sister heard like a girl you don't need him at such like, well, may be maybe that is yeah, maybe that's maybe that's true but like if you are unable a guy or girl is unable to get yourself a partner or unable to find friends like I do, you don't need that friend anymore like the subtext of that is you can hang out with me, I mean your .

people when I was no gosh, I was probably my late and I dated and I am only saying what he does for a living because IT might make people like um IT make anything. Why took IT so? Uh well, but you professions athlete great at what he does. I just think a lot of professions athletes that they can there's a lot of room for emotion to be involved to see either true it's not true or unique. Your neck broken, you know he you know dated a lot of could date whoever wanted or sleep with whoever wanted and I remember I was just in my arrogance and in my like, you know, we were like arguing about something and I was like, well, like, why would you date me if, like, i'm the person you date if you want, like a chAllenge and he just went, why would any man want a chAllenge in their relationship? And IT was like, I was like, thank you so much for saying that because I guess I grew up watching parents fights.

Watching strict .

conflict is love. I guess that's what I saw. I guess I thought I was I guess I thought.

man.

yes, I don't know what I was thinking and I literally in that moment was like, oh my god, i'm so so like, I don't know what I I thought I was like, hot to you. I thought I was what guys wanted. I thought I was like, fy, like, you know, I apologize. What especially .

if you're dating somebody that is high performing in any realm has goals you know, if you're working that hard in the office, do you really want to come home, be like, right? There's that to do this done. I want to what fires I need to fight when I step through the front door as well.

And now i'm kind of at this point where it's like i'm good at business, i'm really good at I do. I love the idea of being with a man where I can be like, how can I help you make you? Like, how can I be your business partner? Like, you'll silos business smarter whether it's like, I can have dinner waiting for you.

I can in the rock Johnson probably .

need a second. One of those I mean look so crazy to me, they probably I want do I mean state of california woman though he gets half for after ten years in a days.

even with .

the print up. Ah that's a good question. I don't know you will be surprised how few people I print up I mean.

you fuck whatever is what is is run emotional .

support oh h his run brand like .

a ramee he's I heard you might run for office .

too you know because that's another thing is like like i'm into that ride or die. How can I make your dreams come true? Like that i've made my dreams come true like it's I mean, to that kind of like, how can I make your dreams come true?

Like I being in service is is cool, especially if it's and this is something that we spoke about before as well, like not doing IT coming from a place of desperation, I want to make your dreams come true or make your life Better because I think they'll make you love me.

But there's almost something extra sexy or seductive about somebody putting the nature, especially double public facing nature, to one side in order to do something that seems opposite or different to that privately because IT IT seems like the loved you have for me is causing is so strong that you're having to overcome something that you do publicly. You know, it's the same reason why the high powered male lawyer wants to be tied up and spanked by the dominatrix, right? It's it's the polarity of the life that makes IT interesting.

And that's the difference between coming out IT from a place of desperation and weakness. Like I want to do this because I think can see anyway that you love me vers, I am fine on my own and i'm OK with being independent and I have all of this stuff going for me and I still want to be the homemaker bill of family, do the whatever and it's the same for that's what why like the a chat to dad pipeline is so a Loring. I think the women is why so many stories, all of the doctor roman novels, are about a man who has everything, who is completely independent and ruthless and dominating and prestigious, and is soften over time by the right woman, because his love for her pull him in and is the same as a beautiful friendship story.

right? There is a friend who who struggles to connect, but you see something in them that's amazing. And then you become friends together. And you do. You know, the mice Angela effect, you know, this is fucked in brilliant.

So it's a psychological effect that describes how overtime, two people, often in a relationship, will craft each other into the idealized version of what they want. So I make you more like what I want, and you make me more like what you want. And I am happy to become more like what you want, and you are happy.

And the reasons called the Michael effect is you can imagine my gandle looking at this huge block of marble. And from the outside it's rough hung. But over time, he chips away, creates the statue of David, so he sees inside of something which isn't perfect. The perfection that he wants under over time is able to craft this thing out of IT.

This is something that making me think of of something I think that actually would be helpful to people. And is I feel like when your interrelationship is somebody and there are things that you want to change about, the there is a new thing now where you just can criticize your man or criticize your person or someone comes home.

And it's like I just just going to walk in that or are not say hi and that the and this is where the you know my having more intimate and relationships with the animals and humans actually comes in handy where positive reinforcement is pretty much, I believe, the only thing that works. And I think that i'm not seeing in on either side right now with men or women. So if like your girl comes home and she's rough for she's going out with her friends too much, whatever IT is just experience, like just instead of getting in a fight about IT, like just, you know what I love, like I love when you come home.

I come home and you're here and you're like on the couch and your bear ford is just the sexist thing in the world to me when I like come home and you're here, you know and like, kiss are on the forehead to see if anything changed same thing with my girl end like and I just told him that he is that how and am like, are you insane? You can't talk to people like that. You know this isn't like you're not to fight on the fuck and subway, this is your man. Just tell him like, you know what, I it's so much when you like you would I D like that he wears this thing. When he wears the other thing, just tell on how hot IT is in, suck his deck.

what?

Why is this so hard to understand? And I you can't wear this back in cracks around when he wears the other shoes, just suck as dick and tell them how much you love the shoes and kiss them and it's over, you know? So I just think that were not doing enough positive reinforcement.

I think maybe it's just like perfectionism generation or maybe we're all standing up for ourselves and I mean, could make a boundary. And i'm going to tell you all the things that don't like because i'm going to be emissions are not less, you know, I just think that for every criticism we have is just like like just try positive reinforcement. Try that you know what I love, I love in your phone is off and I just get .

like just supposed to why you always have your phone out on the table that just makes .

me so a night that don't even say that one just when there's no phone out. Take that opportunity to tell him how great that is like this to me is about like that's what that means to be soft, I think to just like buy your tongue, shut your hormone. Th, you don't have to just be rosing your man all that.

I mean, I see IT. And there's certain rules to me that I live by in relationships now IT took me a while to learn, but you never got about that. Your man, ever, ever.

If there's A A texting with some other girl you I like, you don't tell any of your girlfriends. You take a to a therapies. You take a to a twelve step meeting.

Like, don't ever gossip about your person. I never make fun of your person in public. I see people a lot like that, women that don't understand why relationships are working.

And then you go out a double, what the fuck are you doing? Like you're embarrassing your man and a bunch people, you know. And so I see this stuff.

And as someone who's a female comic, you would think that, you know, that's that's not how I am in relationships in the slightest. And I think that we're just get a little too comfortable. You know, I did this movie that was about was based on a book called the female brain.

And I met with this female neuroscientist and I said, I was just like, what's the main advice you have for me? Like, if I leave here knowing one thing today about the difference in the man, the female in, and you just saw your girlfriend is not your boyfriend, what do you don't treat them the same? So if you want to talk about how ugly the brides maid dresses were at mary s.

Wedding, call your friend lidia. Don't call your boyfriend about IT. You know, just like be a little more cautious about the stuff to you because then you come home and you like, I can you believe what happened at work and this he was wearing in this blouse and the guys just like, good, you know, I mean, and you don't listen me how I attention, you know, want to help me talk. It's like.

this isn't a oring your .

fucking in boring dude, call your girlfriend so it's like to me, it's always a big red flag. When girls don't have girlfriends because that means you're going to have to or the boring as shit. So like girls know what to take to your girlfriends and know what to take to your guy friends, right to your boyfriend yeah you know I think that's a really important thing that a lot of girls don't do. They expect their boyfriend to be their girlfriend.

You're not going to come to fuck in north dream with me and hold my purse while I change. That's not the me. That's not my guy, you know? And don't make your guy do you like that?

I I just think that like, you know, little things like that, I think make a really big difference. And if you are doing that, chances are you might not respect the person and that's not the person for you. And I think people really forget about respect.

So like i'm attracted to him and he smart and here this but do you respect him? Because if you're going, I want you to spend your saturday sitting on a fuck and velvet puff t north stream while I try should on unless it's like a fun kicky sex game that's a different thing. But like that's not respect.

You don't respect med's time. Yeah that's again the ability thing. And that's why boundaries is so important. You said the other thing I listen to, you said the other thing I thought was so fun, interesting. He said, in order for art to imitate life, you have to have a life. And this is definitely something that I see in higher gibs, high performance people that are sort of on that ground where the creativity and the space that they had to be able to think about whatever is that they are going to do, whether it's business or career moves or writing or an online coaching platform, but trying to start a content creation, whatever. And after a while, you take up so much of your days doing that thing that the fund, like the pull from which you withdraw in order to be able to present shit, is just bar is dry.

That's exactly I D you see with comedians all the time, you see this great comedians, amazing observation comedians to get more more famous, more and more successful they are doing is torn and that obvious, that only doing jokes about airplanes because they're only on airplanes, you know, or they like have nothing to talk about because they don't do anything.

I remember I was in the writers room for a sick that I made, and I was running three shows at one time. Three television shows, which was very, you know, taxing, was working all weekend, you know, twenty hours a day, not sleeping. And we're in the writers room and i'm like, we need to pitch on like something that the couple does, like on a weekend.

And someone was like, go, what if they like, went to a wine tasting and I was like, no one goes through a wine tasting and then like, what if you like had to go to a baby show like, no one goes through a baby and I like, no, you don't go to a bit. Like, you don't have, you know, I realized, like, I was limiting myself, and how, you know, like, what would I fly there at work in this happen? Like, I only pitch on workshop.

Sm, like, every character was all the work. Cohosh C I know. And so to me it's like, you know, especially being, you know, a stand up comedian. And I like I got to go out in the world and I got to to do things. And that doesn't mean be mercenary when you do because there are times. So i'm like I really have to do something social this week and all call friends and I you guys make sure I don't turn this dinner in the work or turn a hobby into a business because that's the other thing is that i'll get a hobby and then i'll turn into a business.

Been this thing up.

So I N D, I came up with for that .

called productivity pogey. So it's when the things that you do for fun and done purely to, like you go for a walk in nature, not because you want to calm down and just have a good time, but because he wants to saw an Andrew huberman podcast that says your productivity increases by fifteen percent. If you spend twenty minutes today with sunlight in the eyes or whatever, like productivity poetry, everything that you do is in service of this, of this thing.

I literally got the apple watch because the phone is just a camera at a certain point. And I would go on these hikes and then I would like, I got do a video about there's a plant, and I got to to do a bit with the, I like, nope, I gotta just not even bring my phone with me on walk anymore. I will find a way to make a tea or i'll be riding down IT.

And like, I had just like, so I really have to play defense on that because I will slip into that work. Khoo lic shit. Or I mean, you just being on a day with a guy and being like that's not to just p that's not a joke.

You're just in the moment and you're not gonna right seeing you're gonna movie idea. You're just going to be in this moment, you know. And I think that for people that do all kinds of things, it's not even just creators.

If you're someone that's like building an upper or this, you have to go in the world and see how people behave and see what they do. And you've got to like, go to the zoo was based, I call to go to the zoo. You got to go to a restaurant and see like, okay, i'm building my woop band, okay, people usually were on the left side. What you just have to be in the world and I I I didn't I always thought that socializing, doing things that were fun were like a waste of time that I was flowing behind, you know um but now I know that it's a good inner cal part about being creative and staying relevant and it's good to have fun every now on that like you've earned IT I think that I used to Operate from such a place of like guilt and you're such a piece of should and you're never going to make IT and that serve me really well that just doesn't serve me anymore.

Yeah, this i've got this idea about fuel that you use, that kind of a fuel that very anxious set of toes, toes down forward thing is potent for probably about five atten OS, but toxic if you use IT for much longer than that.

I've also big my new things, doing nothing.

Okay, how do you how you getting on with doing on?

It's weird. I mean, a lot of times it's kind of just like sitting outside and just I get to look at nature chilling. But there is no such thing is doing nothing.

I think around wooden class, because that still doing something.

if I, well, that still counts, is doing something probably a little bit, but doing nothing. Next door horse.

they really like you. Uh, dr. 点 K， A healthy gamer, psychiatrist, psychiatry, eastern and western trained. And he helps with Young people that have got screen addiction. Gaming addictions also works with.

Some of the biggest twitch streams on the planet is with every big twitch stream of excess and chilly from penguin zero and alea. And one of his exercises that he gets his like disco group to do is still the wolf thirty minutes. And some of the things that apparently people break down crying and starts screaming at the wall like, dude is staring at what I vents done IT, i'm cking.

I am dad. Do I don't be a total fever dream? I go.

I it's tRicky because I I was almost too embarrass to say that, but a lot of times I end up crime if you're just like being alone with yourself because you're like, what am I running front? What feelings and I trying to not feel with thoughts my trying to not have, or what comes up when I stop and negatives with business is with action, with productivity, right? And IT might just be like, you know, that agent did IT like, it's right there.

It's right there. That person that said that thing, that youtube comments like it's right there. And to go like, okay, this is stuff I D need to work through, this is stuff that i'm Carrying, this is stuff that I need to perch, this is someone I need to forgive like, this is something like a male that I am trying to, a feeling i'm trying to get out of, right, that is haunting me.

Or it's something it's taking a real estate in my brain that has no business being there that if I don't feel this feeling is just going to, you know, alchemise ing to something unhealthy, anger at someone else or some kind of shame or bullet shit. So it's like, it's like I kind of set there and sometimes have to feel my feelings. And a lot of times it's shame.

It's kind of, why did you say that thing? That person you know sometimes is to forgive myself whatever IT is but like you know, there was I don't know if you ever saw that showed cheer on netflix. No, it's about the best cheese leading. It's such a great documentation about the best cheer leading team in the country where it's actually in texas. The coaches is incredible, is so great, such an amazing show about the .

show wasn't a big scandal.

There was a canal. One of the guys send some taxi, should in a sent for some photos he shouldn't ask for. But it's still incredibly inspiring. They will .

inspire you .

not to send those day and never never dm, somebody without having seen their driver's lies um and and why am I bringing IT up? Why am I bringing IT? O so one of the girls on IT, they all got really famous off of that. The show was really big. And this girl was like eighteen years old, famous, know he's getting on this brain and deals SHE offset has four million followers from being on this netlik show, being this, you know, athlete, I mean, in Austin with some friends when we go see they do this live show. And I, you know, the show came out like a year and a half ago.

I asked to do this summer and he was to take a couple months off just you process and I was like, what like guys just need like sess all this and I was like, I don't like, I didn't was I was like, oh yeah, I need to schedule time to process things. I've never thought about that before. And that made me start to take time every week to just process what happened.

So I am in CoOperating in america, take ages because you guys is tax system and legal system. And every I got social current number. But two months ago, anyway, started working with the account sy firms.

I've kind of got a part time of CFO, part time CFO for fucking all he does, his finances and the dinner with him a couple of night ago. And he said, yeah, every friday I just have the entire day to think, like you live on excel. Like what thinking is that is just numbers and numbers out.

Like i'm doing deals as this person paid their taxes ba. Like what thinking is that to do? And the account guide ahead of this account, sy firm, is like, I spend every friday just thinking, obvious.

Ly, that's a luxurious position to be in. But like the rule I think is right, I used, I used of this. I get another problem.

You guys have a license equivalency between the U. S. And the U. K, which means I need to take my theory test, my theory driving test, again in texas, a place that has by far the worst drivers i've ever seen a matter.

And i've been to rome, right? So I, I, I have to do that again. But I used to love when I was back home, read.

great time. We don't give half .

of our money to a queen. A tough day. Sorry, our .

leaders aren't born in the power.

If you have a genetic pull about that big.

we don't have .

embed magots running. Oh .

right okay.

driving the car with no musical podcasts on what what a fucking in like wa, what a think. I mean, what comes up and it's great because you've got the front of you. It's like doing nothing when you washing the dishes. You, the front of the brain is nice, nice, occupied in the rest of the brain is just free to do its thing. Really great.

I do have A A tool that really works to me. Why schedule worrying about .

things and schedule worrying about I .

schedule worrying about things. So it's like if it's like I have to make the decision about whether I am going to do this thing or not, say the deadline is november twelve, i'll go, okay, november tenth and i'll put in my calendar, i'll say tell him to this. I'll worry about IT instead of just constant .

persevering IT until about IT. Until then, I do body and with right hand or with a like.

if I know I need to run something by someone, i'll go like.

worry with me. Yeah, can you the what can we go .

panic together or if you like because IT gives me time to also go who are the best people to reach out and ask about this like I feel it's also your life starts getting Better when you know who to ask advice from, you know, again, go to marry people to ask relate advice, you know, podcast.

Go to someone who knows what we're talking about you so for me, it's also instead of just talking about IT to everyone all the time and getting bad advice from people getting sort of mixed ed data, just constantly worrying about something, i'll go like you have two hours to worry about this in three weeks and then I also will schedule making decisions about things. I get really bad decision fatigue. So it's like we were just talking about like making decisions about sponsors and stuff like that.

You I can go like, okay, i'm going to make this decision on this date at this time. I'm not onna. Think about IT to tell them but this is i'm the schedule thinking about IT.

And so that's like I think a version that works for me of what your CFO kind of did and i'll put IT in my calendar is like and then I can't talk like I can't talk for the next hour. I have to think about this thing. Busy worrying.

Yeah, i'm busy worrying. I am busy doing my prom condoms. But instead of just constantly worrying about five or six different things all the time, I will schedule IT, and that really helps.

And then I now schedule processing because, like, there are times to look back, like, why did I say yes to that? What was I thinking? Oh, I just automatically said yes. I just went into my default software. You know like what we do, it's like you move into a new house like you're going to drive to your old house for the you're like a couple months just for like habit to me.

Yes, I have the if it's not a helius, it's to know I have like posted notes all over my deaths that are like the answers probably going to meet but sometimes I just I can say yes and I like, why did I do that? Like and i'll just go through I go through my calendar. That's a big thing is like you'll sit out and like really get thoughts about my calendar and like I need to cut thirty percent of this out period .

the end yeah there a couple of interesting things that if you find yourself continuing to say yes to stuff and then when IT comes around regretting the past version of you that made future, you go to this thing when you get asked to gain, ask yourself if this was tomorrow what I say yes because we you know there's this um hypothesi c discounting. So like you, one pounds tomorrow is worth twenty pounds in a year s time in the way that we see IT. And the same is kind of true with what you're prepared to oblige yourself to go and do a something that you'd say no to tomorrow you feel a little bit more okay saying yes to for six months.

But I do, first of all, take a good look at yourself and make sure first you're not addicted to dread.

which I wow.

I believe I was right. Number one in number two, I would go, oh, will I have nothing that day?

Three half months.

This is Better than nothing. That's what i'm saying about this point. I have nothing .

that day.

but why don't I want to do nothing? Why like, I want to do the thing? Because others SE, I do nothing. And then, oh god, i'd be alone with one of my thoughts.

This just fill IT with something, you know, like, what are you really saying when you agree to a plan that you don't want to do and they're kind of like a about, like, i'll do IT like, how little do you respect yourself and how little do you respect your time? You know that you're saying yes to that. Like, I really had to look at that then.

I didn't go like by then. And then the lack of faith in yourself, like, what if I have a person by then? What if I really need to be making dinner for my guy that I were going to the farmers market that day, like I need to hold that day? Why i'm saying is my life's not going to be any Better by this day. And the best I can do is this fucci thing where I don't even really want to do IT like, what a, what a wild, the um self destructive instinct, what a sloppy, you know, death by a thousand cuts of just fill your life until you die.

How do you think you're going to get on given that you're going na have to take a pretty big baby highest, you know, IT seems like you the cascade homos is manipulated you appropriately as that.

I feel like i've been making .

no sense like I I really, really, really enjoyed this.

I think like the first time i've been like, I think I have mob rane like a couple times we were talking and like what was the question really.

really, really enjoyed. I think it's very surprised, watch. But this is the side of you that I think is is like really, really useful of them. Actually.

really there are a lot of things that I and I did not want to come on your pocket and waste your time in your in your listeners time obviously like a fan um but there are a lot of things I said that I have not said before or .

even articulated out loud a bit so yeah take me through. You know you ve got this three weeks pop and then you for all the business and all the rest of IT, have you considered what you're going to do when the like work demand arises in the back of your mind? It's like, oh, like, fuck, he's asleep like, let's see what emails I can blood is supposed to just are you how do how do you think you .

can know won't do IT? I mean, it's I just my that's a form of alcoholism and that's what my parents did to me, you know and I just like won't let IT happen. I have basically six months i'm taking down from touring um entirely.

And you know for me it's it's actually really helped me to talk to people who have had kids again, it's like to be regular and orderly in your personalities so you can be brave in, violent in your professional life. Some of the people I admired the most to have kids, and they got Better creatives. It's not why am having them? But I really just .

stay folks pregnant y poetry.

I was like running out of jokes about being single guys. I'm going to get a new hour out of this. But you know, don glover, for example, you know, I don glover, brilliant, used to tour together, and he was always a great stand up, is always a great musician.

And then one day, you know, he makes IT land. I'm watching IT land like this one, the best shows i've ever seen. And then he, you know, is on the and singing red moon. Someone sends me the link to him, said, I thought I was Marvin gay and I call on the look, do what happened this is that at all and what do we do that I had a kid and so he was like, just took .

my creative yeah.

I do exactly so it's he's like, I just took me to another level creatively, you know so, you know, I was talking your friend the other day who is like, let IT change you and so to me it's like I think my role is to just let IT change me and to be the mom that I didn't get to have and you know, there's all this I thinks of healing um dynamics around you know being able to have redo your child to one thing .

maybe that might resonate with some people in sunrise ate at least in part with me. Which is, let's say, that you've gone from a type of person that you once are proud of or once so happy wood, and you've worked quite hard to get yourself to the stage where you awesome on that you've think is more alist existentially all the rest of IT you're speaking your locals forward.

But when another set of changes comes along, there is maybe even a bit more resistance because I got something to lose. Yes, previously you were a piece of shit that didn't understand the world. Where is now like i've already have found some degree of safety and security and certainty and understanding in this me, yeah, but letting go of this this me to get onto that this me is like, oh my god, like that that type of evolution is even harder because the bank account is an empty. That's right.

That's right. I think for me it's like, you know, I want my kid to be proud to for me to be his mom no, to make me cry. And so that's how I think now. And it's kind of cool.

You know, I found myself, even in this interview, of being like out what a kid botches this one day you know it's a kind of it's made me starter and be a little bit, you know, i'll get used to IT, but I like that directive. I like that. You know, what's when your kid is ten, fifteen, whatever in school? Are they going to be like when you coming? Is your my mom? I want second, you know so it's I feel like i've been kind of floating through space for a while and like what this makes people laugh and this makes people laugh and like they bought that and they bought this special but i'm kind of like, is my fifteen year old gonna be proud that I was more that's really helping me make decision.

I am going on tour next week the first time.

I know if this will .

be out after the tour of the people that all thank you for come. What are the news and dots of surviving on the road?

Okay, the the women in the lobe, no lobby.

No, no, no, no. The flag. We're waiting in the do .

and dance, I would say make sure I mean, i'm going to get really technical sorry to the music that is playing when they're loading in is the show starts as soon as they walk in the theatre re you know the way you want them to feel the music you're going to be playing when they come in or are you playing videos of you, you know, so that when they're coming in, they get to see you doing outtakes.

They get to see you doing stuff they experience ed starts because they're going to be sitting in those seats for thirty, forty minutes before you actually come out there. So that's always something that I feel the need to say because the show starts before you come out at all. Um I also think um being able to uh move around on stage, like are you .

doing a handout? Are you doing like .

you to yes.

I have yes so I got saturday, sunday and that's incredible.

I would go out and do the soundcheck like you know go out test the lighting, see IT. I mean, i've seen the way that you right before you go on like you'll be fully prepared um but easy, you're going to be just like doing to can talk the audience .

at all yet i'll be A Q and a the end. So it's forty five minutes into all, forty five minutes. Q N A.

Yeah it's solo and this bit and i've been working this out, i'm really told we announced IT and sold the tickets, but I not really like spoken about this. I've been doing work in progress shows in off until last two months ein comedy club. So i've done like this routine i've done five times now and .

we've got rid of stuff and we're britain .

monster bits in the there was one, there's one bit everybody hear the the timing of IT. I had to get rn long to like explain the comedie t timing of how I could make IT work really fucking great, but it's super. I thought he was completion would be like, walk in the park for you. Okay.

so what if you go sideways? Just go, you know, i'm saying then the audience to see something go sideways .

and that's even unna.

What about his own question of you? How do you wine down after you've done something emotionally agitating you? This would be useful for people that have got big job interview, but also useful for me after I step out on stage in front of we're doing one and a half thousand people in dubai in two years time um i'm gonna to buy one to go to bed because I need to be up the next day to get ready for the next thing right? So how do you, I get rid of the agent?

This is going to be a heart take. I say, enjoy IT till you're tired, you know, if you work so hard. This is shocking to me.

Is that like, I don't I really I I this is, I got the new iphone. I usually you just turn the ringer off. It's off.

I know what's happening, our moves. I just go asleep. I'm tired.

I know that's a really hot take. I used to take lunch. I would take smoke weed.

It's like a sleeping and .

yeah it's amb. And as I believe ve that leg lunges like a little.

I had my first a couple of weeks ago. I I was on a plant. I asked the first question is, is this going to make me start .

tweet racist ship?

Could if I been ambient, I want one hundred percent. We've been rosen bar, your new fucking partnership. Like, let's make, let's break the break the internet and fucking brand like fucking racist tablets .

slope the racist here.

Are you finding yourself being too ambitious? A ambient, a couple glasses, a de in your .

tongue to get fire from the job and don't know how be what .

I could not invited .

from Christmas with your family. I mean, I but it's that I mean, I took, I mean, once and I woke the next morning and he, there is a chicken circus on my diary room. I eat an entire rotis ory chicken and no recollection whatsoever like i'd cuts in my family said he is well. But I really tried to to date myself and I would kind of like, I think something that happens when you get successful as you start trying to get this over with. Yes, this is what you got here.

This is IT. You're here really great.

You're here. You come off stage. It's like talk to the audience, go to the meeting gray like feel IT five boys .

that is because that's .

a former gratitude and it's like no telling. I know this is a sound like whatever dumb a ham hiked to the secret or whatever. But it's like when you're feeling the feelings you want to keep feeling, don't try to stop feeling them.

It's like your brain needs to start practicing. That elation of like this is my new Normal is that I just this amazing thing and people loved IT and I just people just paid money to see me talk like this is I been working. I see, well, how do I get to bed?

Sleep to bed, sleep tomorrow like you'll sleeve when you sleep.

you know. I know as a high performance, we will have to like sleep eight hours and see the sun at this amount of time. But every now then you've got to just like celebrate.

That's a really, really like, fantastic point. Does this I always use this example. But economic G A foot for the lights titles twice, almost the father White title twice, think is father way.

So the first time he does IT the guy that he supposed to fight pulls out with an injury, and he fights for the international tight against childminders. It's a way hard, if I remember, knocks out, although in thirteen second is that super famous knockout. And it's like, I I look, yeah, yeah.

But the first time is much more of a war against child menders, and there's a lot more pressure and so and so forth. And migrate is also earlier in his career, and he hasn't had this first Victory at a super high level. And he gets interviewed in between the first into entitled success and then the subsequent I like combined, titled successful or whatever against although things like what you're going to do differently this time is part of your preparation process.

And he says, this time i'm going to enjoy IT. And there's this really famous photo of him standing like that. You've got that time to running up the back of this. He stood with his arms out in front of the way in the ceremonial way in. And it's just this arena of people that there for him.

And he said the first time he did that, he couldn't remember IT because he was just know, looking over the shoulder of the present moment to see what was coming next. And he was like, what like, what the fuck am I doing like if I can't stand a decade and a half rolling sequences in some bullshit? Jim, in double in island, sleeping in the attitude his parents house for that moment and he's so concerned and fearful about the next thing that's coming that he can't even be there, the place that he meant to get to all along yes.

in which, by the way, like when you get there, no, you're there, you know and i'm sure that that part of his brain is why he who is and we're both like that. What's next was nice, but I think celebration is a form of gratitude.

And IT took me so long to be able to just enjoy that like this was this was literally my dream growing up and i'm here and i'm OK well, didn't you have a Better drill because I need to go to back because I have get the airport tomorrow like, you know. So I think it's like every now then we got got to just go like we like we did IT. You know I think it's um your trains or brain, uh, I think to be in that space more and prepares us for more of that because then you're kind of like .

how I like the situation. Does this happening? You spend so long searching on auto trader for the car that you want to buy a new go to the dealership and you test all of the different versions and you realize it's that kind of trim that you want is the alcantra and not the letter seats.

And you want to get IT with the red trim on the steering will not the plane, and you want to get to this, and then you finally get IT. And the first thing that you start thinking about is like, what's the next thing? You're already this amazing story from Morgan house or great right of fantastic c new book.

Everyone needs to gun by the same as average available now. And he he told me the story. He had been planning this holiday with his family for ages.

And he's busy guy and he want to fund, and he does his author, and he does always have the ship, and he finally gets them. And one of the first thought he had on the first night is there on the balcony. And they planned for ages.

And the families there they've got, everyone is being the kids and all of this stuff. One of his first thoughts, he stood on the balcony, was, well, I would be so great if we came back next year. Like this would be so great if we came back next month. So even during the experience of experiencing, he was already trying to get the anticipation.

and again, that I have the same exact story and out of hotel at a wedding with my girlfriend, dorry. And I was like, this place would be great to like, calm, like, spend a weekend. And he was like.

That's what we're doing. I was like, oh, like, didn't even done on me that I was in that moment. And I think something that I get little africans address, little cute little things helpme. Sometimes IT is my goal life to not be a store winner. And I see a lot of sore winner.

The sore winner .

is someone who's won. They got everything. They wanted to go back to the hotel and you're like.

we're here, joo, you want know when you've won.

even if it's a little microware e, if you just had of that great date and IT might not end in marriage or IT. But just like enjoy that with feel those feelings .

because that teaches your brain to keep feeling .

those feelings iring happiness. That's the ster neurons .

that fight together, together.

Train your brain for happiness because we're kind of like all if I just do this thing, they'll be happy and then you do the thing and you're like, well, I need to do another one to be happy and it's one to many million, not enough and you're like that one. The difference between this is that a goal and the addiction.

I mean, you know, how many things have you done that you said would make you happy? One of my friend's alex homos has this fucking months to quote, or he says you've already achieved the goals you said would make you happy. Get fucked.

Do get fucked. Saying that, said that the next car that you would buy would make you happy in your happiness of did you said that the next house you would buy would make you happy and your happiness of Operated? You said that becoming a moderator on the holl's university discard would make you happy and you that took away your credit card, right?

Like, so I would say like to calm down after the show like, tell everyone the theatre hey, i'm going to this bar after and just get you might only be able to say for ten minutes who are you going to be getting model and it's going to be chaos. But just like show up and see how much joy like to see the people you know in person that you're affecting every day like that. That's another level of emporia.

One thing that kind of come up a little bit throughout this position.

I really quick, I don't have people can go, oh, i'm gna listen him at the ga. Do not when they get in their cars and book a baby sitter and buy tickets and show up like these are like the fan fans and neither like your family like you start to called sorry and you're about to meet you like that. One of the greatest interesting.

i've got an all White row, but the long week of head. And but these are people .

that have been listening to you talk for four hours a week, do not mean, but then the ones that show up in person, there's nothing like that feeling. When you get to meet them, a couple might try to kill you, but you are very strong. They'll be fine.

I didn't want to interact you no no not yet. One of the things that come up in like without this conversation is kind of um not feeling feelings or the aversion to emotions arising yeah did do you know what the overton window is? Is like the window of acceptable speech. So if you imagine um from not to one hundred all of the things that you could say right from the most reprehensible in one way to the most reprehensible in another, then the overton window kind of described this into quite le range within that which uh is acceptable speech and if you stare outside of that then it's like unspeaking able so for instance, a single retard right is like right on the fifth board I but you know this .

and that slowly .

squeeze in but I always think about that as like, okay, not one hundred are from the worst to the best emotions that you can experience. And he feels to me like that interval range is getting really, really squeeze because people are able to you to date themselves from feeling feelings even through their phone.

You know, i've got friends who if they're having a bad time, the coping strategy is to just open the phone and distract themselves by scrolling, you know, that'll get you away from your feelings. It's strange. You know, the the desire, the innate tendency that we have to new to good feelings like this is just an intense feeling.

And I don't like IT because I am I, I spend almost all of my time in this working pod bleeping away and uber sing food to me. Therefore, anything of intensity just feels alien. So i'm, I must new to this. I must hide away.

I always like to say to myself, never miss the opportunity to feel a feeling that's going to motivate you to do something great, like never, never miss out or not feeling, you know, whether it's you know, something you don't want to feel like jealousy or heard or pain or something like that, like those can be transmogrified great things like, I mean, I look at most things i've ever done and they have come from kind of growth feelings of wanting to get out of a feeling or you know, having gone through pain or having to need to prove someone wrong or try to get someone s attention like, you know, to me, I can to try to look at feelings just as motivation, for the most part, to make a Better choice.

So if i'm constantly tly nestin zing myself, i'm missing out on that fuel to do something, you know and so that's how I try to look at IT. And then I go like OK. I want to look at my phone right now.

I want to ze and I want to check even though to me, I mean, it's plane slot machine. It's really you're doing it's a gaming addiction that together the day, right you're playing for that one dop of mean head. You ve got that one time when that one girl made comment that you'd like to you know whatever it's all just bullshit you know from them are now trying to achieve that same level. I'm doping me that seems like but I go like, is IT worth the shame? I'm gonna in twenty minutes when I have just been on instagram for what you know I mean, it's just not worth like I know how the story and so I made able to kind of walk myself through IT and be like I rather feel this feeling of right now than shame in twenty .

minutes i've got this is A A place in the live show where I talk about the story that you tell yourselves about the decisions that you made last for far longer than the impact of the decisions. So you being the sort of person who eats a cookie, like, yeah, these calories and a cookie and you'll feel nice and then like you might be a bit fat tomorrow, whatever. But the story, the italian self about being the sort of person who is always not a cookie eater.

basically last for the rest of you like that that and I and I don't have willows, and I just can eat the cooking anyway. And why, you know, so to me, it's like, I can really know this is something that we you know talk about program is every year that you're in this tweet p program, you get to have a second of pause, you know.

So it's sort of like i've been in for now almost ten years now, so I have ten seconds of pause before I you I would like to respond and not react as the goal know like I want to pick my phone. It's like I have ten seconds to go like is this a negative contribution of my future self? Is this I know how the story ends.

Is that really seems like you've done the work really really does seem like you've done the work even if in windy IT feels like you are just a catastrophe that does not have that shit together.

Well, to me, I like to like just say that to people cut you know and just share that on podcast. So because I think people would probably think like, oh, look, she's achieved stuff I like like .

I ve know I really seem to have very, very impressed with. Oh gosh, that's impressed.

I feel like i've been like sort of rambling and confusing and not very.

very incisive. Why people go, they want to check out more of your shit and you are going to be absent from the road.

At least six one special just out on O F T V, O F T V slash with me, totally uncensored and totally .

free and is coming.

My podcast is good for you. That said, i'm embarrassed to promote myself. Not good.