#884 - Nick Pollard - How To Stop Being Such A People Pleaser
Modern Wisdom
Deep Dive
Why is people pleasing such a trap for so many of us?
People pleasing is a trap because it arises from a deep-seated fear that we're not enough. This fear is often reinforced by social media, where we compare ourselves to unrealistic standards and feel compelled to manage our image and meet the needs of others, leading to a constant cycle of seeking validation and never feeling truly satisfied.
What behaviors suggest you might be a people pleaser?
Common behaviors include lying (saying yes when you mean no), lacking free time, low on money due to prioritizing others' needs, and feeling a lack of genuine connection in relationships. These behaviors stem from an overwhelming sense of not being enough and a need to appease others to gain approval.
Why is it so hard for people pleasers to advocate for their own needs?
People pleasers find it hard to advocate for their needs because they fear rejection or abandonment. This fear often stems from childhood experiences where advocating for oneself led to negative consequences. Over time, this fear can become so ingrained that it feels almost impossible to change.
What is the difference between being considerate and being a people pleaser?
Being considerate is about being kind and generous from a place of love, while being a people pleaser is about sacrificing your own identity and well-being to meet others' needs. People pleasers often feel resentment and discomfort when they give, which can help distinguish the two.
How do men and women typically show up as people pleasers?
While the core issue is similar, women tend to externalize the problem, blaming others for their inability to set boundaries, while men tend to internalize it, feeling like they are the problem. Women may also be more passive-aggressive, and men may feel additional shame for not being as assertive as expected.
What are the real costs of being a people pleaser?
Being a people pleaser can lead to poor physical health, emotional burnout, financial strain, and a lack of genuine relationships. It can also result in a loss of self-identity and the inability to prioritize personal needs, leading to a life that feels fundamentally unfulfilled.
How can someone start to break free from people pleasing?
Start by recognizing the feelings of insufficiency and sitting with them. Identify your core values and create a 'bill of rights' that outlines what you will and will not tolerate. Practice saying no, even in small ways, and give yourself time to adjust to the discomfort. Join a supportive community to reinforce these changes.
What role do triggers play in people pleasing?
Triggers are visceral emotional reactions that can bring you back to a state of deep fear and anxiety. While they are your responsibility to manage, it's important to differentiate between genuine triggers and mere discomfort. Addressing triggers often requires psychological support, but managing discomfort can be a step towards personal growth.
What are the four key questions to help with boundary setting?
1. What am I believing? 2. How am I reinforcing this belief? 3. What would I prefer to believe? 4. What do I need to do to reinforce this new belief? These questions help you understand and change your internal beliefs, which in turn affect your behavior and the boundaries you set.
How do successful people pleasers manage to break the cycle?
For highly successful people pleasers, breaking the cycle is more challenging due to the stakes involved and the reinforcement of their belief system over years. However, when they recognize the pattern and make a commitment to change, it often sticks. They may need to redefine their relationships with family and money, and their status can provide them with the resources and support needed to make a lasting change.
- People pleasing originates from an overwhelming sense of not being enough.
- It's often rooted in childhood experiences with parental imbalance.
- Common behaviors include lying, overcommitment, and lack of free time.
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