Leaving An Abusive Relationship ft. Brianna Chickenfry
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Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Hot Mess with Alex Earle.

Wait, did I just turn that off? How do I get that back on? I'm a hot mess.

I know that there's stuff circulating online right now between Bri and Grace and I honestly don't really know anything about what's going on there. This was recorded prior to my knowledge of all of this and I mean I think anytime you're going through something with a friend it's really hard I feel for both of them and then also going through something in front of so many people and having so many eyes on yous

also not fun so I feel for both of them I'm sure a lot of you guys are going to be like well why did you not ask about this situation um honestly had no idea anything was going on there and I thought about not airing this episode because I don't want this to be

drama or create more drama for anyone or either of the girls but really the point of this episode still stands and there's such a strong message and I think it'll be helpful and there's some good advice in there for a lot of you guys and a lot of girls so that is why I wanted to go forward with airing this episode and yeah just wanted to say that before we get into it I'm especially excited for this episode because we are going to be having on Brianna Chicken Fry and I wanted to have her on because first of all I mean I think

Unless you're living under a rock right now, you've seen that her and Zach Bryan broke up and she kind of went on the BFFs podcast and she's been posting a lot on her social media talking about how the relationship has affected her and how the breakup has affected her. And I think she has shared a lot of behind the scenes of the relationship about it being a narcissistic, mentally abusive relationship. And I think that's,

Just watching her podcast episode honestly on BFFs helped me a lot and it kind of reminded me of a lot of moments from past relationships that I think I either suppressed or forgot and I think that's something that you do when you're in those type of relationships is just I mean you don't do it purposefully but you forget and you kind of forget all the little nitpicky things that they might say to you or that they might do or to make you feel a certain way and really watching her

come forward online and talk about her relationship. Just it reminded me of a lot of different things that I forgot about. For example, we would

When I was dating this guy, he would always drop me off at my house. He would come hang out with my friends and it was always great. Like I was always obsessed with the fact in the beginning that he would hang out with my friends and I loved that about him. And then towards the end of the relationship, which it wasn't long of a relationship because it was so terrible, but he wouldn't even come to dinner.

the front door of my house to pick me up for a date. And he would say, you know, why do I need to do that? Like, just come get in the car. Like, you're being so crazy. Like, that's not like that crazy for me to not come up to the door and say hi to you or say hi to your friends. And it was just this like toxic cycle where he would twist what I was thinking or even with him. I'm pretty sure he was on like Raya as well when we were dating or he would like these things

like, strippers photos. And I was like, what are you doing? And he would be like, it just makes me feel better. Like, that's just something that makes me feel better, makes me feel good about myself. And I was like, am I going crazy right now? Or is that just like not what you should be doing? Or like, if that's making me uncomfortable, like, shouldn't you care? He would literally say to me, like, you made me sad. So I had to like these photos to make myself feel better. And I was like,

oh like i was so confused and it would drive me crazy that like we would get in fights and i have photos now because i took photos during this um thank god because honestly i probably would have forgotten but my nose would be gushing blood because i was crying so hard and so frustrated and that was the thing about these fights is they were so frustrating because i knew

like deep down what he was saying was so outlandish but like he would make me feel like I was the crazy one and I just think like listening to her episode brought up so many of those emotions again for me and I think it's so important that she's online talking about this and talking about what she went through and signs to look for when you're in these relationships so that's really why I wanted to have her on today it was to talk to the Earl girls and I think

there's a lot that can be learned from her and i think she's still going through a period where she's still learning exactly what she went through or trying to cope with it and um i'm really excited that she wants to come on and talk to you guys and i really commend her for doing that and talking about that online because it's not always easy i don't want to put her in a situation where she's saying anything that she doesn't want to say and i don't want to make her feel uncomfortable so

I think for the people that are looking for maybe a lot of drama or me to like try and push her into a corner to say something like that's not just that's not how we do it on hot mess. And I really just want anytime I have a guest on for them to just feel comfortable and like we're having girl talk just sitting down.

having a conversation about whatever we are, but I don't ever want to like pressure anyone into saying anything that they don't want to say. And I think that's super important to me. And I, I don't know, I've been in situations before where I've said stuff, um,

in interviews and, you know, I just didn't feel comfortable about it after. So I never want to do that to anyone else. But I'm really excited to have her here today and talk about what she went through in her relationship and how she is dealing with the breakup and what, you know, her plans are going forward and how her mentality is kind of changed. Because I think one of the big things she talked about in her relationship was that she kind of lost herself. And

You know, she's putting all the pieces back together right now of who she is and the person that she lost for the past like year and a half or over a year and a half. So I'm really, really excited for this. I think it's going to be some good girl talk and I'm very excited to have her on.

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Welcome to Hot Mess. Thanks Alex. When is the last time I saw you? I think for the PCAs. The People's Choice Award. Yeah that's the last time I saw you and that was a scary night. That was a scary night because there was a fight at the bar that night. There was a fight at the bar. Me and Grace had to go out the back door. That was yeah and I kind of think that was our first time like really hanging out too. Yeah I don't think I was trying to think. I was talking to Jake brought us out to some pub. Yeah but we never met before that right? I don't

think so but I feel like we have but I was trying to recount our memories together and I was like I don't think we have I don't think we ever have either and I was like no we totally met Alex in Miami but we totally never met yeah I just thought we've met before I know I did too but yeah we had a cryptic night it was a cryptic night it was so scary it was so bad I was horrified yeah tensions were high and things got scary but

I have to tell you this kind of a confession, and I think it's just a funny story. Do you remember when you went to a U Miami pool party? Yes. Like when you were first blowing up. So I was out of town that weekend, but the house that you pre-gamed out with the girls was like my...

friend group of girls. - Shut up. - And I was out of town that weekend and they were like, Brianna Chicken Fry's coming to pregame with us. And I was like kicking myself. - Wait, they were so fun. That was your friend group? - Yeah, that was some of the older girls we were friends with and then some of my friends. - Oh my gosh. Yeah, so I went to, so we would, I was doing college tours for like two years. It's kind of like how it got started. And we would go to these schools and we just post on our story like, what sororities wanna hang out? What friends wanna hang out? And then we'd go. - No, that's such a good game plan. - So we went to a sorority

And that's crazy because they were so fun. They were like the drunkest girls I've ever met. We were doing like ski shots of like just straight Tito's. And I was like, oh my God, we made a music video with them. Yeah. Were you on social media yet? I

I was trying, but I was out of town for something with my family and I couldn't miss it. And I was literally kicking myself. I was like, oh my God. I was like, she's so cool. And I'm so upset I wasn't there. Wait, that's so funny. I wish we met then. That would be full circle. I know. That's crazy. No, I'm actually happy we didn't meet then. Were you insane? Well, honestly, I'm glad too. Because I was fucking, those years of my life, like I can't believe they're all online because they were diabolical. Yeah. No, they were so good though. They were so fun. Like I think I hopped on during your like blue...

blue culotta phase when you were like gagging, taking shots. It was so good. It's crazy. People are like, how did you get started on social media? I'm like...

I was dead ass just gagging online and all the college girls were like me too I was like okay we resonate and then it just turned into something crazy but that's wild I can't believe those were your friends sometimes I can't think like believe the stuff that I posted myself on the internet and now that I'm just like so accustomed to it I'm like yeah whatever and then I'm like oh my god like why am I posting this for people to see especially with podcasting like

you say everything, you tell every detail of your life and you walk down the street and like people will come up to you and tell you things that like only your diary should know. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I say that to the world. Yeah. I had like, cause last year was my first year podcasting and I went through a weird phase where I was like, I, I think I'm saying too much or I was saying stuff before I like fully processed it. I think it's important not to like

try and use people for like clickbaity salacious stuff because I feel like

I did that and I said stuff and I was like, oh my God, and you like can't take it back. And then it's hard sometimes when you like, you're just talking and then you put it out on the internet and you're like, you can't get that back. Well, yeah. Well, that's what people like. People are so quick to judge or like hate, which is fair because like that's what we signed up for. But at the same time, like we're just having conversations as they would with their friends like on a night in, but we're posting it to the world and you don't like, I've gotten into trouble with that too. And I've been doing, I mean, you've been doing it since what? 2020?

How old, like how old were you? 20 when you started at least being online? Yeah, I guess I was like 20. Yeah. No one was really watching me then. I started podcasting when I was 19. So like everything that's crazy ever said, and I have always been like outspoken. I'll say everything and I've never held back. And there's like,

such a trail of it, which sometimes I regret, but at the same time, it's kind of cool because you can watch like my progression as a person grow up, but at the same time gets you in trouble. No, it does. And it is crazy to watch your progression because like I'll look stuff, I'll look back at stuff I said last year and I'm like, oh my God, I don't agree with that. Right? And I'm like, we're still growing up, you know, like we're still young. So it is crazy.

It is crazy. I'm putting out a lot online. But I think it's really cool that you're posting about your breakup and what you're going through. And honestly, I was tuned in to the BFFs episode when you were talking about everything like everyone else in the world. And I was...

remembering stuff and remembering feelings from like one of my past relationships that wasn't even on like the same level as yours, but I was remembering stuff just from what you were saying and it was so like emotional for me to even listen to and then like watching what you've been posting online since and how you've been helping

so many people just kind of leave a toxic relationship. I really applaud you for that because I think a lot of people are quick to jump and judge online and be like, oh my gosh, they're just saying this for like attention and stuff. But it's like, it's truly so helpful

for people to hear. And, um, yeah, I just want to applaud you for that because it's really cool what you're doing. Yeah. It's been the, the response has been crazy. I didn't really know what it was going to be. And like you just said, like people are so quick to jump and like,

Not believe her judge. And I knew that was going to be the outcome of it. Because I mean, if you look at fucking last week, the woman that came forward about Conor McGregor, like she literally had to get a tampon surgically removed by a doctor and people said, I don't believe her. So like, obviously people aren't going to believe me. And he has crazy fans and it's all that. It's all this. And when I was coming forward with it, it was, it was really hard because I like slowly started to realize I haven't posted any of it, but I documented like for myself, um,

like videos to try to get myself to leave. And like, I have like a trail for probably the past, like six months of just like telling myself how I feel in this moment, what he did to me. Like, this is why I need to leave because it's so hard when you wake up the next day and there's an apology and it's like,

okay, well, I'm gonna say. So I would make videos to like get myself to remember to leave. Which is smart because you forget all the little things. You forget all the little things. And also when you're in such like a toxic, abusive relationship, you don't, like you don't even understand what's going on. You don't even know who you are. So like I was making all those videos. And then when we finally broke up, I made like,

um, like a break, just like documenting my process and my feelings of like day one, day two, day three. And I rewatched those recently and you can see through them. Like I start to slowly realize like what kind of relationship I was in. Cause I was still like stuck in it where I just thought like, I don't know, maybe it's just like something bad. Like I didn't understand the level of how like toxic and abusive it was and like rewatching it.

It took me a little bit and I didn't want to speak on it at first. Like we recorded an episode of BFFs probably a week before the one that went out to the world. So we recorded one and I called them after and I'm like...

That just like didn't feel right. I don't even know what's going on because I was still processing my emotions and I was like so scared to call them It's like the end of the day like podcast is like our job and like I just kind of fucked up everyone's schedule and like all this and I was like, I don't want to put that out. I don't want to do that. And it took me another week to process my emotions and what I was going through and then I was like finally ready to sit down and talk about it and after talking about it, I realized that

like the weight of what had happened and how much it was going to help other people. I didn't realize so many people went through what I went through. It was shocking. It was crazy. And I feel like you could even tell in like when you were first talking about it, just like you were so gentle with it and like kind of reserved. And yeah, no, that was crazy to see. But I want to go back to like the beginning of this relationship because I think you're someone who like I look at and I think so many people love you online because you're

so confident and like you just give off this energy of like I don't give a fuck I'm gonna say this I'm gonna stand by that and I think people think that someone like that can't get into this type of relationship and it really goes to show that yeah yeah because you think that you're like above it or better and you just you don't understand so I kind of want to go back to the beginning of your relationship and like

What was it like love bombing that kind of who was this person that you like fell in love with before like a switch up started to happen? Yeah, this is an important conversation because like you just said I before this like before I met him or whatever if you were to tell me like my friend was going through what I was going through I'd be the strongest advocate for like get the fuck out. What are you doing? You're an idiot like before I had met him. I was the most like

confident person in the world. Like I was just so sure of who I was and what I wanted and what I needed and what I deserved. And when I met him, I still was that person. So I like,

Got into this relationship and I was praised for who I was. So like I was with... When I met him, he praised my job. He thought it was so cool what I did. Like he loved that I was outspoken. Fuck, there's a Taylor Swift lyric. Oh God. I resonate with it so much. Wait, I need to look it up. Because it like is...

From which song? My Tears Ricochet. I'm learning my Taylor Swift songs now. Okay, so, oh my God. We could do a whole separate podcast about Taylor Swift because that's like a whole nother conversation. We were just talking about how we're doing found Swifties. Oh my gosh. Alex, I can't even. Oh my God. The lyric is, because when I'd fight, wait, I didn't have it in myself to go with Grace because when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave. So in the beginning of our relationship, he was like, so like,

amazed by like how much of like a strong woman I was. Like I'm so opinionated. It was like his favorite thing about me. Like I was always like who I was in every room that I walked into. Like that's who I was. I'm the same person in every room that I walk into. And slowly, like as we started dating in the beginning, it was like,

a mirror of myself, which I obviously didn't know, but I was falling in love with him because I thought it was him, but I was falling in love with myself because when you're in a relationship with a narcissist, they just mirror like who you are. You're just falling in love with the person that you are because they like cling on to all your good parts. So he was like hyping me up for all these great things about me. He loved that I was outspoken. He loved my job. And then like slowly and slowly,

it just started deteriorating. Like it would start with like little nitpicks about, well, I think you're better than this job. Or I think, um, I don't know. You shouldn't really say that online. Or I don't really like the way you dress. Like just like little things where it's like,

okay it makes you question like oh like yeah like are they right because like they have my back with everything else like maybe they're looking out for me yeah and they're so subtle and the relationship is getting stronger so you're like oh well this is a more serious relationship maybe they're like more comfortable saying these things so yeah maybe I don't know maybe yeah my job isn't the best I don't know maybe I shouldn't be saying this online maybe I am dressing wrong like just like subtleties that would build up

It was such a mindfuck because you love the person, obviously, and you fall in love with this person and you trust this person. Like the trust that I had and I think the red flags and like,

what people should look out for is like such an intense bond so quickly, which like when you get into it, you think it's cool and it's fun. And you're like, this is my soulmate. But if someone is telling you they're your fucking soulmate on day two of hanging out, run for the fucking hills. Like what was I thinking? I was like, soulmates. Like, oh my God, this rock star loves me. Like I was so stupid. And anyone that's like,

anyone that says they wouldn't they would like no you don't know until you're in it do you think you were at all like blinded by the fact of like his status or 100 percent yeah 100 and i'll be so honest about that like if they if this was if this was a normal like joe schmo a joe schmo and like the first the first time he would have said or not the first time maybe like him getting me tattooed on him like after a week i would have been like

That's fucking crazy. But because he was him, I'm like, oh, that's rockstar. But like that should have been a red flag. And then like as things went on, I think because...

It was important for me to have the conversation because this happens to so many men in power. Like they just take advantage of women and no one talks about it because there's when money's involved, everything gets like thrown under the rug and money rules everything. But like with him and with money and power, you're just surrounded by yes men. So like I would try to have these conversations with like his circle and it would just be an echo chamber of, oh, he's just like a tortured soul. He's just like this. He's just that.

but it's like no he's just a bad person you don't get to blame you don't get to blame treating people horribly on

you're a tortured soul just because you can write a song doesn't mean you can abuse people like what the fuck is that narrative I'm like what are you talking about yeah um I definitely think when there is a type of status or fame or money involved at all they can you know act a little differently and like even when I was dating someone in the past and I was like younger and he was just

more known than me and cooler and like literally not even on your level at all but like still like got to my head and like that he would do things and talk down to me and like be like well you can't

you know, wear these things to these events around these people and everyone was older than me too. That was another thing. And I just was like, oh, well he knows better. But I was like, just cause you have some type of fame or status or money doesn't mean you know better. Doesn't mean you're a better person. That messes with your head. The power trip thing too. Isn't just when I say power trip or like,

I don't know, just like holding power over someone. It isn't just because he was a rock star. It's the same thing when you're dating an older guy or you're hanging out with their older friends or they have like a big guy job. They make you feel less than or like that you're insignificant compared to what they do. That's not how people are supposed to treat people. And it's so looked over. And I also think because they have a certain status, you look...

up to that in a way or you're like oh you did something to get there so you must be doing something right like you you're smart in some type of way so then you kind of like want to believe them or their opinion on things I think at least for me that's like yeah it's like admirable yeah you look up I mean

when you're little, you look up to, when you're a freshman, you look up to seniors and it's like, for why? I don't know. It's just because they're older and like, it's cooler. They have more life experience. So of course it's going to transfer into even like freshmen in college to senior guys or like senior older girls. You're like, they just know more. They're cooler. They're older. And it translates into like,

adulthood too. When people are older and have like more experience, you just think they have more power over you. But it's a weird line where it's like, no, we're all human. Yeah. So how early into the relationship was he talking about like marriage or kids or like your future together? I mean, you said your second time hanging out, he was saying soulmates. So yeah, I mean, it was really quick. And here's the thing, because

I guess like I don't know I guess I don't know how real love works because I'm like does me like when did Braxton start talk like do you guys talk about kids yeah but I don't know when that started really normal period because I have erased all my memories from like old relationships because my last year's felt like 10 I don't know how a normal relationship is supposed to feel like I got into a relationship with him it was one week into knowing him and then we planned our next trip and we

And we never separated. Like I was needing to be by his side at all times. We're talking about kids immediately, marriage immediately, family immediately. And I think a big red flag was that he was always focused on the future and not the present. So instead of just like enjoying, I don't know, this new blossoming relationship or like, what should we do this week or next week? It's like,

I can't wait in three years to buy a house and like have kids. And like one day we're going to be doing this. It was never like, what are we doing now? It was always like one day, this is going to be amazing. One day we're going to have this house with these kids. And it's like, why can't you just focus on the now? I think that's a really big red flag. Yeah. And during that at all, did you...

Like, were any flags raised of, like, maybe this is a problem or, like, this is too soon, but, like, I'm having fun? Yeah. Well, it was more so I was getting manipulated into... It's really different from my situation, like, specifically because of, like, who he is and his lifestyle. So I...

I was manipulated into the sense that things weren't going to be normal in this relationship because his life's not normal because he's like traveling. So whenever I would like, I would talk about my, in the beginning of the relationship, I'd be like, I don't think this is healthy. I don't think this is normal. I would talk about it and it would be presented to me as normal.

no, you just don't get it. Like, this is my lifestyle. Like I move fast pace. Like this is who I am. I'm rich. I'm famous. So I was like kind of belittled into thinking I was asking stupid questions or like this was supposed to be normal. And like, it was okay to talk about children. Yeah. I've been dating for a month, like stuff like that. And everything was just so, uh,

steamrolled. And when it came to his emotions, he was allowed to have all of them. But when it came time for like me to talk about mine, I was always, you're being crazy. You're being insane. Or like he would manipulate my like memory. So I, I would recall a situation or a conversation and I, we just had it. So I would be like,

why did you say this? And he would twist it. And then what narcissists do is they like, they jumble you. So they like put you in this triangle where they're,

he would jumble your thoughts. So he would make you think, no, I never said that. And then he would throw all this random information about like previous fights or like upcoming things in so that it confuses you and you have nothing to rebuttal, which I, I started like reading a lot and talking to my therapist about like narcissistic abuse. And that's like a really big flag is when you're facing, like when you're,

confronting them about something if they try to throw like misinformation at you or like bring up past situations you're probably most likely dealing with a narcissist they can't just like sit down and have a one-on-one about what you're upset about fucking run for the hills because it's not going to change yeah it's only going to get worse it was it was terrifying like there was no there was no one time where i could sit down and tell my feelings it was just you're wrong why are you being emotional and they make you feel crazy

that is you said you were in something similar before yes like not to the extremes of what you're talking about but i think i kind of dealt with this with my boyfriend before braxton and he like played baseball and i thought he was so cool and it was a very short-lived relationship i will say because um which is what i want to ask you in a second but i would talk to like

my friends because I lived in a house with like six girls at the time. But soon after we started like hanging out, he got a place in Miami and was like, I'm just going to like move to Miami. And I was like, whoa, like, OK. And I was just going into my senior year of college. So granted, I had a lot of other stuff to be distracted with. Like, had I not had all those things, would the relationship have ended? Like, I don't know. Yeah. And I just remember he would make me feel guilty about like

go and hang out with my friends or there would be nights where he would tell me that I went out to a club and I just fully didn't. I was like, what are you talking about? And he's like, no, no, no. Like my friends told me they saw you here. I was like, I was at home in bed. Like, I just don't know what you're talking about. So it's like, I understand the like,

manipulation in a way where it like makes you makes you think yeah you're crazy and um it also makes you like low-key hate yourself yeah like you're just always walking on eggshells you shouldn't be with someone where you're constantly fearing a reaction it was always constantly walking on eggshells and i would it's so crazy to

be in a relationship where you're worrying about someone else's feelings so much like I said like always on eggshells but then they're just stomping around and they have no care they have no worry about how you feel about how you react they can do whatever they want but the slightest thing that you do wrong it's like a volcanic eruption yeah and it's it's so fucked up a child a fucking

- He would get mad at me and tell me, like I would go over to his place to hang out and he would sit there and say like, "I can't talk today. "Like I spoke too much today, I don't wanna talk." And then we'd sit there in silence and I'm sitting there crying like, "Hello, like you're not gonna talk to me." And he would just sit and watch the TV as if I like didn't exist. And I sat there and I was like, "This feels wrong. "Like this doesn't feel right." But then I was like, "Am I crazy? "Like was I being that much of a bitch "like to get this type of reaction?" So did you tell anyone

or like friends or family, like what you were kind of thinking or experiencing at all? Or like, did you kind of keep it to yourself?

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I broke up with him when we were in Philly because he was just, it's when I still had a sense of who I was and like, I wasn't so mind fucked by him where I was like, this is not healthy. This is not good. I shouldn't be having this reaction when I'm like,

doing my tours and I'm like doing my like I shouldn't have someone that is tainting anything special to me if you are with someone that ruins special moments for you you should not be with them and if it's a constant like I get it maybe I don't know they get drunk one night and they're like yeah they mess up one night but if it's a constant like they're searching to ruin your special moments um

That's a monster. That is like, that is literally, they are envious of you. They are jealous of you. They want to be you and they'll do anything to tear you down. That's not a relationship. That is awful. So I was getting that sense of like my tour had started and every, every tour stop. I was like, Oh, what's wrong? Like something's ruined. Oh, he ruined this for me. Yeah. So we got into like an argument or whatever. And I had broken up with him and I went home and I,

I should have left it at that. But then wake up in the morning to the, you're the only girl I've ever cried for. You're the only girl I've ever begged for. And I'm like, so this man must love me. Manipulation. Like, what are you, what are we even talking about here? And then I went back, we talk and we get back together. That is the last moment that I like genuinely stood up for myself in the relationship. And from there on, it was just, it was just down, down, down. And

I was beat down so much where I was embarrassed to fucking tell anyone because I knew I was going to say, and I think a lot of people experience this just from my fucking DMS. Like I'm everyone's first person they're telling. And I'm like, I get it dude. Because when you're going through something like this and like we said in the beginning, like you're a confident person, you don't think it's going to happen to you. Uh,

And you know you're going to go back because you know the toxic cycle. You know that they're going to apologize. It's almost more embarrassing to like call your friend and be like... You don't want to hear it. And you say the most outlandish shit. Like my friends were like, what? In the beginning. And I was like, fuck, I can't keep telling them this because I'm going to bring them to fucking Thanksgiving. Yeah. So it's like you're humiliating your partner. You're humiliating yourself. But...

In general, take that away. You're disrespecting yourself by being with this person. But in that, you can't see that because you're always trying to protect them. It's a constant, like you're their shield of protection when they would do nothing to protect you. So there was like a period of time where it was like the darkest couple months of my life because I talked about it on BFFs. Like he completely isolated me from my life. I lived on a tour bus. I...

couldn't do things that I wanted to. Like I couldn't go on the TARP trip. I couldn't go, I couldn't do anything. And I like stopped doing my career. He wanted me to quit barstool.

I couldn't talk to my family about anything. I wasn't home. So I was just in this bubble and it was a constant, like it was a revolving door of my thoughts, just like back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And I'm like, I could tell my friends, one, are they even going to understand? Two, I'm kind of embarrassed. Like I genuinely was embarrassed of what I was putting up with. And like to go from such a confident person and like a, like a strong woman to like,

like being abused is like, I felt embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed anymore clearly because I can talk about it, but I was disappointed in myself and my narrative has changed a little bit because even when I first came forward with everything, I'm blaming myself a lot in the video, like in the BFFs video, I keep saying like, I want to take half the blame. - Which is not your fault at all. - I'm realizing that and I'm talking about that, but it's so hard to like come to that realization because when people treat you like that,

Like why didn't I stand up for myself? Why didn't I do that? It's like you really didn't have a choice. You were like being put down Yeah, I mean I assume to that extent like you don't really understand until you're in it Yeah, and I think like for girls listening cuz I think when people are like oh like how can you avoid a situation like this like I don't think it's Avoidable like I think they're signs to like look out for because that's the whole point of it is it's like it goes right over your head that you don't even realize it's happening, but I think

If you cannot tell your friends or, like, be honest with your friends or your family about what is happening in your relationship, like, that right there should just be, like, a... That right there should be, like, blinking lights of, like, maybe something is wrong. Like, if you can't tell your best friend, if you can't call your fucking friends or your mom and be honest with them about your relationship, if you have to hide anything about your relationship...

It's probably not a good relation. It's probably not good. And oh my gosh, like I'm talking like tens of thousands of DMs about I'm hiding this from my family. I'm hiding this. Like I'm so embarrassed. That,

That should be your first red flag because I think like you just said, it goes over your head in the beginning and you're like so swooned and you love this person because it's a mirror view. You fall in love with someone that doesn't exist. They completely manipulate you and you fall in love because you love people and that's not a bad thing and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. You're like a lover. You love someone. You take care of someone. But when it gets to the point where you're embarrassed to like tell your friends about

Or you're like, I'm going to go back to him. If you have to say, I'm going to go back to him, you should never have to leave him to begin with. Yeah. No, it's true. And I think on the flip side of things, my sister had a boyfriend where she, I don't think he was the best at times. And she would tell me things and I would like get so angry at her for being with him that she stopped telling me things completely, which then made me feel super guilty. So like, what would you say to

you would have wanted to hear from someone or like advice for people on how to react to those types of things. Because obviously as friends, you want to be truthful and be like, get the fuck out. But that sometimes doesn't always work. Everyone knows if their best friend or their sister or their cousin is in a toxic relationship. Like if that's someone that you're close with, you know that. So you should approach

approach with caution because clearly this person is stuck or they're staying for a reason and they feel trapped. So if you come in guns a blazing, like you're a fucking idiot, you have to leave. What are you doing? You're building a wall and you're closing, you're closing them in more. Like they're going to feel more isolated and they need you so bad. Like they need you so fucking bad. And for you to like,

like you can come in with tough love and be like, I love you so much. I don't think this is healthy, but whatever you choose to do, you're going to say, I'm here for you. I support your decisions. I want you to tell me everything. I want you to be honest. I want you to be open. You can't come in with judgment because you're never going to understand what they're going through unless you've been through it. And,

I know it's so easy to say like fucking leave because two years ago I would have been the girl fucking leave. Yeah. This has changed my relationship with a lot of my friends because I had to like come full circle.

And I had, I had a friend, one of my best friends, um, in high school who she was in this like crazy relationship and we were all in the same friend group. And he was like completely, completely abusive, physically abusive, wild shit. And we like continued after they broke up, like we were all in the same friend group. We kind of hung out with them. And, uh,

I didn't think there was like, I don't know. I never thought about it twice. It was like high school, whatever. After I got out of this relationship, I went home and I was home for a while because I was like picking the pieces of myself off the ground, trying to become a person again. And we like all went out to dinner and I just like started sobbing because I felt like no one had ever seen her or what she went through. And I was like, I'm so fucking sorry that I

we continue to hang out with this guy or like continue to invite him to things that we are doing. Even if it was three years after the relationship, like,

I couldn't imagine how invalidating that was to her and like how just like unheard or unseen she felt. And she just had to like go along with it because everyone was friends with them after. It's like, it was really eyeopening to see what kind of friend you have to be to someone or what kind of friend like I needed during this whole experience. And I think you kind of have to,

give like you can't be selfish during this like you have to be there for your friend and are your friends like understanding now of like yeah what you were going through well I mean obviously but like yeah now we look back and because like I said I kept a lot of it to myself and they like nothing ever seemed okay like nothing nothing ever seemed okay but um I tried to play it off like I tried to bring him to things like

I fucking tried man and um yeah nothing ever seemed great but I wasn't telling them like actually what was going on you know and now that I'm open and I'm talking about it with them and like I'm actually like airing everything out we're like putting all the pieces together and they're like recalling conversations with him and everyone just being like Brianna I was so scared of him the whole time he was so mean like he made me feel so bad like people are coming like he made me cry so he was mean to your friends

I'm scared of him. He was so fucking mean. And then he would just be overly nice, like this weird, overly nice thing. And I feel so bad. Like I have apologized to all my friends. I am so sorry because I talked about it.

I've talked about it. I, this year became a version of myself that I fucking hated. Like even in the past two weeks, I'm like a noticeably different human, but I like lost so many good things that I loved about myself. I loved how outgoing I was. Like I used to walk into a room and I could talk to anyone. Like I wouldn't,

adapt to the energy in the room. I would just bring my own energy slowly through dating him. I would just become like a fly on the wall. I would go to things and I just sit because I didn't know how to fucking socialize with people anymore because I wasn't used to normal conversation. I was so isolated and I was in like this perpetual cycle of trying to defend myself or trying to get validation from this person. Like I never had

a chill. I couldn't just sit on the conversation, like on the couch and have a conversation. It was always such extreme conversations with him, like talking about our deepest feelings or like how angry we are, how mad, like there was never just like, look at this funny TikTok. Like there was like just no, really? It was so extremities with this dude, like hot or cold. There was no like

like there was just no ease to it and it like made me so like always on like lookout I was always looking over my shoulder like what is what conversation am I gonna have next I didn't know how to socialize anymore so it turned me into like the shell of a human I'll go home to my friends they're like who is this bitch like I used to be so fun and outgoing and I just turned into like

a reflection of him. And it's so funny because in the beginning he was a reflection of me. And then like slowly he just like sucks the light out of me and

At the end of it, it was weird because obviously I thought I was heartbroken when we had first broken up because I truly loved him. Like I, at least I thought I did. I really cared about him, but I realized I wasn't heartbroken. Like my soul was broken. Like he just like took all of these pieces from me. I wasn't sad. I didn't miss him. I missed me. Like I was mourning myself. I wasn't mourning the relationship. I got out of it and I was like, fuck, I have to pick up

all the pieces of me. Like, I don't even know who I am anymore. It wasn't, I need to fix this relationship. It was like, how do I get back to me? Yeah. Which I think is so apparent and like, just even like watching your videos right now. And it's like, I feel like the life is back in you or like, it just, it's so inspirational to see how, um,

happy you are now even though you're obviously still going through stuff and working on stuff but like seeing that and I think for other girls to see that because I always say there's a side of a breakup that's like exciting it really is it's like congratulations you know because you like getting yourself back because when you're in a relationship that's not good for you you like you lose yourself yeah you do and that

that is like the crazy thing about it. Like, of course I'm still healing and I'm dealing with that and I'm doing it online. Like I'm talking to people about it and I'm talking with people about it. But at the same time,

Like I for the first time went back and watched all my old videos the other night on my main account Which is crazy because the second I started dating him I stopped posting on my main account cuz I like I don't know I didn't know who I was anymore. I was like, I can't be outgoing I can't do this So I just posted on my spam and I went and watched my old videos and I was reminded of who I was It was bizarre. I was like, oh my gosh, that's that's me and this past year I had become and I was so like

I was so mad at people would always comment like, I don't even know who she is anymore. Like she's changing herself. I'm like, no, I'm not. What the fuck are you talking about? Cause I was clearly like, I was like projecting. I'm like, shut up. No, I'm fucking not. Yeah. And they were so right. I completely changed everything about myself. If you have to change yourself in unhealthy ways for a partner that that's not a good relationship. Like, so would he doubt like,

what you were posting or how your personality was or did that just kind of like go away as a result of like the relationship and the trauma? It was so at least for podcasting wise there would be instances where

He would bring up something that I said and it would cause a fight. Like I called Jacob a Lordy hot or something that God, I was in jail for like three weeks about that. And so I like slowly after knowing the reaction of what I was going to say, held my tongue on a lot of stuff. And we talked about it on BFFs actually, like it ruined like BFFs for a year. And I was like,

I couldn't talk about anything. We couldn't talk about my relationship. We couldn't talk about my life because we knew the repercussions of it. And like, we all knew behind the scenes what was going on, but like, obviously it wasn't going to talk about it. And then through posting on social media, I would be posting on the bus or like doing like my everyday videos. And I'm like,

I don't even have anything to talk about. I don't do anything anymore. I literally sit here all day and just like wait for him to come around and be nice to me or be mean to me. Or like, it was so bizarre. I just completely forgot who I was for a man. And with those extremes, like would there be extreme goods, like good parts of it too? Yeah. In the beginning, at least there was like, it was really fun because it was so new and it was exciting. And like we were traveling and we were doing things and,

But then the good extremes came only after the bad. So I think he would see that I was like,

just like a, just a shell of a human. He'd be like, Oh, I need to give affirmation or I need to like build her up a little bit to keep her around longer. I need to like make sure that she doesn't like dip out or say something crazy. So when I was really down, that's the only time he would be good. And he would like build me up just to break me down again, build me up just to break me down again. It was just constant, constant, constant until it turned into just bad. Yeah.

And that's how you get stuck because you're waiting for the good. So everyone's like, why did you stay? Why did you stay? It was because I was in that constant, things would be bad, build me up. Oh, it's lovey. It's good again. Like there he is. There's that person. And then when it's all bad, you're sitting there waiting for him to be that person again. But one day it's just like going to stop because you're stuck. And that's what people get stuck for years. I've gotten people,

leaving their marriages and calling off like engagements being like, I've been with this person for 11 years and your podcast just changed my life and my perspective about things, which is crazy. Cause when I came forward with the podcast and didn't take the money, I didn't know why I was doing it. I just like, it was a moral thing for me. It was more so like, if I do take the money and I don't talk about it, I'm not going to be able to sleep at night and

like it's like a soul thing, like a weird, just like, I need to like cleanse my soul of this and this situation. And how are you going to tell me I can't talk about what I went through and why am I going to protect you when you hurt me thing? So I just did it solely because I was trying to take myself back and I didn't realize how many people I was going to help. Yeah. And did he not think at all, like when you guys were dating that you would ever like

say anything or out him in any type of way? I remember having this conversation with his manager one time where his manager would always tell me like you're the only one that can change him you're the only one that can fix him you're the only one that can like speak out on him and I was in our backyard this is like after like something like crazy happened and I'm in the backyard talking to him about it his manager and he's like

he's gonna change he's gonna change because you can expose him for all of this like you are the only one that it like has the power to change him yeah and I always thought that was so fucking weird from that day on I was like the

It doesn't sound right. I have the power. I'm like, I thought like he loved me, but like he's just with me now because he's scared that I'm going to come out. Like, yeah, it was so twisted. That whole camp is fucked in the head. And I'm like, what? I have the power over. I'm like, shouldn't he change? Because like he wants to be a better person and like he loves me. We're dating and not because he's scared that I'm going to expose him.

fucking crazy and I'm like that's what that is like the first time I finally started talking to my family about it I called my aunt and my aunt has been through all of this like the only person from kind of like jump to end who I knew wasn't gonna judge me because she was in an abusive relationship before her husband she's the happiest woman in the world now they're adorable so there is hope but she was in a really really bad relationship and I

I remember her telling me stories like before this about shit he would do to her. So I knew I could call her and she wasn't going to judge me because she stayed for like three years. And I would tell her everything. And it got to a point where...

where she was like, Brie, this is not going to change. He's going to completely ruin your life. I don't even recognize you anymore. I love you. Stay as long as you want. But I don't even know who you are anymore. And that's kind of when I was like, all right, I'm checked out. So do you think if he, because at the end, it was ultimately like he left or broke up or whatever. He didn't break up and just kind of like skedaddled. But like, do you think you would have like,

Took the initiative to end it. It's so crazy. I mean, I hope because of all my videos, the reason number five fucking million to leave. Like I would hope one day those worked, but the ending was really weird. And, uh,

I know everyone's like, he left you, he dumped you. He got caught on Raya. So we had to post an Instagram story. Like there was a whole situation in, um, that happened the night before we like broke up or whatever. He left to Oklahoma. It was crazy. It was horrible. And we like came to the conclusion, we're going to stay together. We're going to figure it out, whatever. He goes back to Oklahoma and,

I didn't know he was cheating on me the whole time. Yeah, wait. What was this part of things? I feel like I... I kind of brushed over that because the cheating was the most normal part for me. I was like, oh, cheating. That's like normal dudes cheat. But like he was... When did you find that out? I found out...

kind of like well the riot thing I was like yeah okay this is crazy and then I have all these girls DMing me and then I have all of like just receipts and receipts of people being like you guys were still dating I didn't want to tell you all this stuff which I'm like dude fuck you why didn't you just tell me because if I knew like if I knew he was cheating on me it would have been like easier for me to leave yeah because which it sounds so weird but it's like sometimes the stuff that's like

emotional or mental it's so much more confusing than like a blatant out like oh someone's cheating on you you're like oh by textbook like I know what to do but that's why I think it's so important they're speaking on this stuff because people don't understand that that is like this the same if not worse yeah to do to someone yes the people that don't believe me or don't understand it like it's not for you this is for people that are experiencing it right now and that like that's why throw your stones at me fucking rip me apart I don't care it's not for you I'm not doing it for those people I'm doing it for like

the tens of thousands of people that are losing their lives to these people, like genuinely, like absolutely losing themselves and miserable when they were great people. So I have all these people, um,

reaching out to me being like I thought I was just kind of with like a douchebag I didn't realize that I'm like an emotional abuse right now like this is not a normal way to live this is not okay you don't speak to people you love the way that these people speak to you no it's confusing it's like you don't you can't really wrap your head around it or you just think that it's like normal or they're in a bad mood or whatever but it's like yeah do you have an example of something like

for any girl listening to like grasp of like an example of something someone would say to you or something like he would say or do or try to like twist your mind. Like, let me get out the fucking book. I think like,

I'm trying to give like an example that wouldn't be specific to him, like kind of just like an overall thing. I think one thing that's really crazy and scary that a lot of people experience is the getting mad when you're hanging out with friends type of thing or like not letting you hang out with your girlfriends or like wedging.

wedging themselves in between you and your closest friends. Why would you want to do that? That is clearly a tactic of isolation. I can understand not getting along with friends. I've had plenty of boyfriends that are like, dude, your friends are kind of crazy. I don't really want to chill. They're out with us. They're hanging out. They're having fun. They're not ruining the time. They're not like, you can't hang out with this person or you can't be with me. If there is a clear tactic of

of trying to draw isolation between you and your closest friends or like even family members because that's that's a big thing too anyone else that you could have to like lean on yeah or have for support they try to turn you against so that it's like ultimately you only have them and that's like the thing about it back and forth so that's why you can't leave because you're like that's all i have but it's all manipulation it's all a tactic to make you believe that you're nothing without them but it's like

look back and like do like a let's do like a reverse step thing like if you were to look at your relationship and be like why do I feel like I only have this person oh maybe because they made me hate Melissa they made me not hang out with my mom they moved me out of my hometown it's all going to lead back to that person isolating you so

In reality, you didn't need them. You needed your family. You needed your friends. And they took you out of the situation. Yeah. Yeah. So if they're not letting you hang out with people that you loved before them, or they're like clearly like, they try to like drop bombs or like try to like get in your ear about how this person isn't good for you or how that's like a toxic something. It's, why are you doing that? That's my best friend. Which I think it's- That's my fucking sister. Yeah. And people, it's probably like, oh, I don't understand how like they could just be like-

f your best friend but like whatever it's like maybe you have a fight with your friend or something or like you know you shit talk maybe a family member or something to your significant other and you kind of want them to just like shit talk back with you but they start to like twist it in a way of like oh that person's bad and then you're like oh my gosh because you're so heated in the moment of whatever you're upset about with that person that they take advantage of it to like twist it and make you think that that person like shouldn't be in your life when in reality you're just having like a normal tiff a normal tip and then they'll

bring it up like weeks later, a day later or whatever. When you're like, Oh no, I was just angry. No, but remember what you said and remember how they made you feel. Yeah. You're this, this person's not good for you. It's like, no, we were just having like a normal relationship conversation where I can, I'm supposed to be able to say whatever I want. And it's judgment for your zone. Like no judgment here. We're not going to judge, but everything. That's another red flag. If they use words,

like things against you things that you have said previously against you or they like hold things over your head he would always do like kind gestures for me and talk about it for the rest of the relationship well I did this for you one time I did that for you this one time I'm like like don't you remember like this this and this and it's like okay but we're not talking about that right now we're talking about this that's that that's the confusion thing I was talking about earlier where it's like they would just throw things well remember I did this for you I'm like okay the sixth

things that you ever fucking did for me. Why don't we talk about the 20 things a day I would do for you? But when you're a kind person and you love someone, you don't do them to like hold it over them. You just do it because you love someone. And it's very clear when someone is like holding something over your head or like constantly bringing up that like one nice thing they did, run. Yeah. For the hills. Not good. Scary. It is scary. And with social media,

I want to know how you didn't like crack ever or ever like just kill myself. Like that. Like just flip out or like anything. Because I also feel like in recent months, like people were just like hating on you to like hate on anything. And I feel like that would drive me fucking crazy of like if you just do things and you weren't saying things and keeping all that in. Like, I just can't imagine how that would.

was draining no idea you like no i feel like people don't give idea you enough credit for that as well as like keeping all that in while dealing with stuff online and it's like oh my god it'd be so easy for you to just like step out and say something but you literally just were like

quiet silent or like I was a punching bag for everyone yeah um which is thank god it was me because I'm like if anyone else was going through this I'm like genuinely I would be so scared for them it was probably the like right before we broke up in the previous two months the worst two months of my whole entire life I was in

the darkest place that I've like ever been in. And I don't think people understand, like I was experiencing extreme bullying, like from every angle, from people that supposedly love me and then online, like every day, constantly with like made up narratives and crazy stories and like something about me. I've just, I've never felt the need to

defend my character. I feel like if you have to explain yourself, it's not worth doing. I think just over time things show and I think like God's plan worked out for me where it's like I was able to show who I am through all of this and like I made it through the tough points. But when I was going through that shit, it just made me so angry because you never know what someone else is experiencing. And I think it was clear

clearly so obvious because the people that were so mean to me online were mean to me because of my relationship. And they were the ones, the first ones to be like, you changed yourself for this person. You're not the same person anymore. And I'm like, okay, you're laying out all the facts for yourself. I just wanted someone to be like, we need to save this girl. Like she's clearly in a really bad place, like with a really bad person. But instead it was like,

no, we're just going to blame the women. It's just always blame the fucking woman. And everything that I defended him for somehow became my fault. Everything that he did wrong somehow became my fault.

after coming forward somehow became my fault because I'm not like this perfect victim that people want me to be. Sorry, no one's going to be a perfect victim for you. And like, sorry, I have spoken my mind on the internet and I am like a loud person and I'm confident or I say things that you don't

agree with that doesn't mean that I didn't experience the abuse that I experienced and for me to come forward was the hardest thing that I ever did in my life like I said we recorded that episode I exonated I didn't want to do it I was on my bathroom floor like for two weeks straight I couldn't even keep my eyes open I was like what the fuck I was experiencing like

in my real life on top of having to navigate it publicly and then also being shit on while I'm throwing up on the bathroom floor because I want to fucking die. And to come out on the other side and like be able to talk about it and say no to the money and like,

I don't know. It was just... I'm really proud of myself for it. And if you want to still hate me after it, that's fine. I feel like I proved myself. I'm like, bitch, you could never. I'm like, you fucking no way. No, because I'm like, how did you not have a moment where you were just like, turn on the camera and start screaming? Because I would probably do that. And also...

Like the fact of that you are navigating knowing that if you say something like even short, like I'm sure putting out the podcast episode was so scary because you're scared to do anything with this person. And then like coming out and saying something publicly, it's like, I'm like, that was like, I, that in itself is the scariest thing I've ever heard. And every time I talk about it,

I'm getting more comfortable and more comfortable. And I know people are like, she's milking it. She's still talking about it. I am healing out loud and I'm doing it for myself and for all the other people going through it. Bitch, I'm the milkman. I will talk about it for as long as I want because this is my story, not yours. And I'm allowed to. You didn't experience it. I did. So I can talk about it for 12 million more fucking years if I want to. And I think like...

After I came forward with it, I still haven't... I think people are also not understanding. I am like still taking the high road of it. I'm like barely saying anything. I'm not getting into details. I'm just talking about like what other people should look out for, like what I experienced on a basis level or like... I'm like scratching the surface on what I went through. And I think because I don't... I think for anyone with a brain too, I think that's obvious. Yeah, exactly. I think...

It's just so everything is so obvious. I've said, I said it before. I have painted such a clear picture. And if you can't see the picture that I've painted for you, then I cannot hold your hand and walk you to LensCrafters. Like I don't have the time for that. I simply like do the fucking math. I'm not a teacher. And if you don't want to believe me or hear me or see me, like I said, it's not for you. And I, it's just, it's just so crazy because now my real personality is coming back and I'm like,

kind of like, I'm like, yeah, outspoken. I'm not very like prim and proper. And people are like, confused. But I'm like, just go back on my old videos. Like this is who I was before. It's just so obvious. I'm coming back to myself and like, not afraid of it anymore. Yeah. So it's all out there online. You can do the homework. Yeah, no, that's true. And has he reached out to you at all? Since anything? No, he blocked me the day that he asked for the Bronco back.

And, uh, Oh, did you give him the car back or did it get taken back? No, still have the Bronco. Okay. That's cool. But it's not, we're like working on it. It's like, I don't have the plates or anything. We're like, we're working on it, but I still have the Bronco. No stump, but no, he blocked me on everything. Yeah. What's up with the cat? I'm never getting the cat back. Really? And it was such a fucking out of spite thing that he took the cat. And you can't like legally get the cat? No, because we found it on his land, but we kept it cause I begged to keep it. And what if you like kidnapped it?

Do you know how many ops I have going to concerts? But they are booking...

Do you know how many people are going to his concerts wearing all of my merch, like wearing the smallest man merch, holding up crazy posters and like waiting out at the tour bus to try to sneak on and steal fucking stuff. It's hilarious. Like I feel like we should set up a girl gang organization to go get it. Someone could get it. We totally could. We totally could. Oh my gosh. There's like so many girls that are like, I'll take one for the team. I'll smash. I'll get, I'll get fucking stumped back.

back i'm like don't do it to yourself don't do it but we have ops out there i just want the cat to be happy yeah that's all i genuinely care about and i'm like i'm a crazy cat lady i'm obsessed with animals and yeah i'm like oh if you want to give the cat back but he's never gonna give the cat back it's like uh that's so terrible at this point it's just like a fuck you to me which is fine he can do as many fuck yous as he want ufc that anything the ufc thing was crazy

So that was like obviously on purpose to get you to see that. Obviously. I'm like, if that doesn't paint the picture enough for you, and I didn't even say anything. I didn't even respond to it. I was just like, guys, he is proving who he is over and over, and you still don't want to believe me.

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$3.99 with an exclusive in-app offer. When you want to spice up your day, gotta be Wendy's. Limited time only at participating U.S. Wendy's. Redeem offer in Wendy's app. Account registration required. See offer in Wendy's app for details. He's just a pussy. It's crazy. At this point, I'm like, you have all the money in the world. You're like... It's really like sad when you think about it. It is. It's like they're so miserable. So miserable. So miserable. It's...

Like not everything should be

that big of a fight or that big of a problem or it's like you and then you forget that yeah that was something where i went to a pizza shop and there was a line and like we i was like let's wait in the line for the pizza and he was like i can't be seen waiting in a line for the pizza and like it was such a big fight and then i was like i want the pizza like come on and he wanted to go home and then it was like that was a huge fight and i'm like that shouldn't be a fight that should like that shouldn't be a fight like that's like just the most normal thing ever to happen that there's a line for the pizza place don't you

you want to wait in line with me and like talk exactly I'm like it's a like it should be fun that like we could stand in line together and like your person is supposed to you're supposed to enjoy those moments like yeah just not everything should be such a problem yeah if there's like more than a fight there just shouldn't be fights every day there shouldn't be a fight every week and I'm I'm starting to realize like I uh I ignored a lot of red flags obviously and I

I dated really good men before him and they were like great. And we ended on good terms. Everyone also thinks I ended horribly with all my ex-boyfriends. We all ended with like a hug and a kiss. I love you. Like I was 22, 23, like the last time I broke up with boyfriends. And that's when it's like people break up. It's okay. This is a different situation where I think people hold that over my head where like I was kind of like crazy or shitty back then. But I was with such good people that

that I feel like I didn't appreciate and I feel bad about it because then you get such a piece of shit and you're like, I didn't appreciate. Yeah. Like I didn't appreciate that. You were like, even if we weren't going to work out regardless, like I didn't appreciate how good of a person you are. Cause now I'm realizing it's very far and few in between of good men. Yeah. No, it is. It's scary. It is scary. I'm like, what the hell?

I never want to date anyone again. Yeah. Well, I think that's also good. Not good, but that's good that you're in that mindset instead of like trying to hop to another person. Oh no, I need, you know what I mean? Like you need to like heal and yeah. What, what is this therapy you were talking about doing where it's like you're getting hooked up to something? I haven't started that yet, but I'm just like doing regular therapy that it's called. So this person recommended it to me where when you go through like traumatic relationships and you have PTSD after, um,

Your brain is rewired from a narcissistic relationship. Your brain is genuinely rewired. So there's this therapy. Fuck, I think it's like EDMT or something. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what it's called. It sounds something. Something smart. Something with wires. Yeah, so they hook wires up to your head and they literally change the wavelengths in your brain and they make...

make you react differently to triggering situations. That's crazy. It's really cool. It's really crazy. But I was told you have to like go through therapy first, like words and talking before you like step into a machine. So that's meant to rewire how you think about certain things. How you respond to triggering situations. Okay. Because after getting out of a narcissistic relationship, a lot of people are diagnosed with PTSD, which is

I was like, bullshit. And then I went to a fitting the other day and they had the same scent, like the same candle that I had in my old apartment with him. I was like, oh my fucking God. I walked in. I like started shaking. I like had a shaky throat. I couldn't talk the whole fitting. I was like, couldn't think about anything. I had to go to the bathroom. It was so crazy. And I'm like, holy shit. You don't realize how...

how like deep rooted emotional abuse is until you are on the other end of it, honestly. So do you think you've even identified like all the triggers that would give you PTSD at this point? No, I think, and I was even talking about that with Rose. Like it takes, like she's still figuring it out. Like it takes a lot and it takes a lot of,

healing and therapy and honesty so i don't i think it's gonna be a long road yeah i think it's gonna be a long road but i don't think people understand how much i'm helping them online they're helping me like to be seen and just like not feel crazy to talk about it yeah it's really helping me a lot and what are your plans going forward oh my gosh we're booked and looking forward to

Yeah. I'll have something super exciting next week. I can't really talk about it yet, but I'm going to Taylor Swift this week. That would be so fun. You guys have no idea. I'm going to sob my eyes out and I just want to put it on record. I know I was a hater. I'm a lover now. I was like...

And I was never a hater. Everyone's like, you're such a Swifty hater. I just wasn't the biggest fan. Yeah. I didn't understand the hype. So maybe that's considered a hater. I totally get it now. I think you have to maybe experience something traumatic or like realize like her lyric. I didn't realize how insanely poetic she was. I have to say her songs that aren't the ones that are like the very mainstream ones are so...

good incredible and then still eyes honestly it was like jake and my friend sally were like you need to listen to these lyrics and like just like read the lyrics read what's going on yeah i just read it and then when i saw her perform it just was like

she's so hardworking she's so cool I'm so excited for you to see her like I just was like it's all I talk about it's all I talk about I can't shut up about it she's already my number one on Spotify for Aft I just became her fan like I'm so excited it's gonna be a healing spiritual experience for me because I've never related to lyrics so much in my life and um yeah I'm just excited to have someone like that to look up to now that'll be really fun I'm really excited so we'll leave on a piece of advice a piece of advice

If you were to talk to someone of like in your situation, maybe like a year ago or six months ago, like what is one piece of advice you would give to them to get the courage to get up and leave or to like recognize what's going on? This is good. I think if I were to like look at me, um,

four months ago when I was like really in the thick of maybe like realizing or not understanding what was going, I was just like such, such a shell of a person. I would ask myself like, is any, any person, any relationship, anything in the world worth losing who you are for? There's, I don't think a situation where that's ever going to be true. And if you look at yourself and

And you don't recognize yourself. And you don't know how to talk to people anymore. Like, hey, is anything worth losing who you are? No. And especially because, I mean, I feel like, like I said earlier, that relationship was a year and a half, but it felt like 10. You only have so many years. And you only have so many opportunities and experiences. And I missed out on so much on the past year. And nothing is worth it.

Nothing that horrible is worth losing yourself over. So look in the mirror and say, you got to sack up. It's scary. You got to sack up. I like, I would probably like, I could have been stuck in that for 10 more years. You got to sack up. All right. Sack up. Sack up.

Wait, also I want to say bye, but people always think that we hate each other. Wait, I was going to bring this up, but I was scared. But I was talking about someone on my podcast and everyone was like, this is about Brie. I know, and I was like, we were DMing yesterday. No one pitted me against everyone this year. It's crazy, but love you. Love you too. We don't hate each other. My hands are really sweaty, sorry. Okay, thanks for coming on. Bye guys, thanks Alex. Bye.

Wait, did I just turn that off? How do I get that back on? I'm a hot mess.

My life is opera. There is no reason in opera.

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