#2674 Southern Charm S10E04 Part One: The Isolation of a Pillow King
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Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all the crap that we just love to talk about on Ye Olde Brobs. I'm Ronnie. That's Benuni. Hello, little Ben. How are you? Hi. How are you? What's going on? Happy third day of the new year. Third day. Yeah, we're here. We made it. Have you achieved everything you wanted to achieve? Yeah, pretty much. I think we're good. Me too. Nailed it.

Still hot. So that was my only goal. So I've achieved that so far. Yeah. Um, everybody guess what you're going to achieve. Come to see us live. Cause that's what we're doing this year. We start in, uh,

the West coast, San Diego and, um, San Francisco coming up very soon, you know, this month, the end of the month. So go get your tickets at watch what crappens.com. Also the golden crappies are on February 1st on Broadway in New York city at the town hall. We're so excited to be back at that place. Cannot wait for you guys to come to that. It's going to be a fantastic show. We're going to have a big musical extravagance. Um, we're still putting it together. Now we just started, uh,

product. We started pre-pro and it's been really amazing so far. So yeah, we have, I'll just say it. We have two Broadway singers already coming to perform, so it's going to be great. Why are you saying that? You're supposed to say that.

It's us. Yeah, it's us. Because we will be singing on Broadway, technically. So come check that out. We're psyched. And we're going to be on tour all winter. So come check it out at watchwhatcrappens.com. We're going to be in your city soon, most likely. And guess what?

This is on Patreon because it's a video. All our episodes are videos now. They're on Patreon. If you want them right when they come out, Patreon. If you want to wait a week and watch them for free, you can do that too. We're not here to rob you. You can catch them at YouTube.com. Also, we're doing bonus episodes. We were doing sold on SLC as bonuses.

We like it. We're going to still keep up with it. But guys, guess what is coming out next week? The Traders. And we have to recap that. And we're full on the regular sketch. And Traders doesn't really need a full 10-hour recap. So we're going to do our regular half an hour catch-up weekly over on Patreon with The Traders. That starts next week. We'll be doing a cast preview very soon of that. So check that out, won't you? Won't you?

So excited. I cannot wait for the traders. I feel like I've been waiting months for this. They announced the cast back over the summer, and I'm like, why did they announce it so far ahead of time? I can't deal with it, but it is finally happening, and I am thrilled. Also, Southern Hospitality is back, and we'll have a recap of that next week.

Monday. Yeah, starting Monday. All right, everybody, let's jump into this episode of Southern Charm. Continues to feel like a reset season, even though there's not new people. I mean, there are some new people, and we do get a glimpse of some newbies this year. It does still feel like a total reset, I think just because they're really leaning into...

Let's just not worry about people getting together in groups and just have them hanging out at home. And it's weird in a way they're doing it differently this year. And I'm not complaining yet. I I'm enjoying it. What do you think? I mean, Southern charm has one of the most sprawling casts and all of Bravo.

And they are, it's interesting this season because we kind of have drama happening with the old guard, but we also are meeting new people. And I think they're doing a great job of kind of like layering the new people, but we're not like centering them just yet. We're not like forced to suddenly care about people we've only just met yet.

We're just going to kind of like get to know them a little bit, feel them out. And then we're going to see who gets to stay and who doesn't make it to next season. But I think it's, I think it's really, really good. I was thinking to myself, I was like, I love this show. This show is such a reliable show.

show. It just works. Even in kind of its crappy seasons, it was still good because it just, it's never been an amazing show. Sometimes there've been some seasons that have been more riveting than others, but because it never shown as bright as like a Vanderpump rules season one, two, six or Scandaval season, it never had a season that,

Then was like, oh, this is a shitty, shitty season because the last season was so amazing. Like maybe once that happened. It just is like a steady show that just works. And I'm just really enjoying it this season. Well, good. Right on. Okay. Well, previously on Southern Charm, J.D. had the face of a hatchet, a beaver, a munchkin, and a walrus all rolled into one and thought that I would let him stick his pee-pee in my VV. No way, Jose. I'll tell you that much.

Have you seen my husband? Yeah. Have you seen him?

Have I seen him? Well, it's been about six weeks, but he's got a job somewhere else. I'm glad today that she actually told her husband, wow, you got a sister wife somewhere? Because I'm convinced this man has one. I'm convinced he's got a family. And everyone keeps emailing us about how normal it is. You know, it's totally California. He's not going to quit his job. There's a good pension coming and all that. I get all of that, you guys. I still think he's got a secret life somewhere. I can't help it.

It's fair. It's fair. So, yeah. So basically there was this dog, this doggy part and party and everything and everything. And so everything and everything. So, yeah.

Yeah, guys, there's like a doggy party and like everything and everything, everything and everything. It was everything and everything. So it was everything. Everyone was there except for JT. And then we met Sally and her puppy boots. And, you know, I don't trust a person who brings a fresh puppy onto the screen because I feel like it's just manipulation when people bring a puppy.

But here she is. And then Shep brings a girl to the party. We got Sally bringing a puppy and then a new girl bringing an old dog about to be put down. It's like show and tell. Show and tell day on Southern Charm. Remember show and tell? Yeah, of course. I still do it. I feel like that's half this podcast sometimes for me. I'm like, guys, look at this. Yeah, I still do it all the time.

And I love the new addition to the music in this one. It was like, and then Shet brings the girl to the party and we just hear, we just hear, and she'll spill the tea. No song has been remixed more than the Southern Charm theme song. Like it is out of control. I think it's just a fun challenge. How do they even get this many lyrics to it? I don't remember that. And she'll spill the tea.

I swear they're adding little lyrics that were never part of it. I mean, they always have the "Don't you know, don't you know." I mean, by the way, Trixie Monaco can just relax. Okay, we know. We know by now. "Don't you know, don't you know." We know, we know. We've been watching for 10 years. And the ladies go loco. That's my favorite one. So this time, this episode, it's dark. Classical music is playing.

And people are sleeping. Like we see Madison's house. Madison's sleeping. She's like sleeping. And we hear her in her sleep saying, have a see my husband. Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn,

And then we go to Sally's house and Sally's up at 4:30 AM fresh as a days, looking around in the dark, getting boots out of her little crate to go pee pee. And she's like, my day starts at 4:30. I let the dog out at the yoga quick shower. I put my scrubs on and then at 6:45, I go to the hospital and then I'm surgery till one. I feel like I'm in Grey's anatomy. First of all, let me just confess to assuming Sally was an idiot.

Not because she's blonde and gorgeous. It's not necessarily internalized misogyny or whatever. It is, although I'm aware that that could be a thing, that it could be an issue. It is that she banged both Joey Marble's

and Gaston in one episode of Southern Hospitality and then showed up on this show linked to Gaston still. It's hard when you start out, you can't get respectability by showing up on Southern Hospitality. You know what I mean? I'm sorry. It's a tough path. I wouldn't let you do my robot surgery because you've been on Southern Hospitality. Get your fucking robot hands away from me, robot surgery lady.

It is very surprising to know that she actually has not just a job, but a profession, which I don't think we've seen anyone have on this show ever. And she is getting up early. I mean, she wakes up super early. Is that an actual point? Because I think that is a point that you just made. I laughed it off at...

Have we ever seen anybody with a career on this show? Let me think. Well, I mean, Madison does cut hair and sort of cheltsy, but no one's had like a profession that has required maybe an advanced degree or something like that. I'm not trying to sound elitist here. Like a white collar. Like a white collar. Yeah. I'm not accusing you of anything. I was just like, wow, that made me think about it. Or not like, yeah.

Like, as opposed to a trade, I guess you could say. I don't know. I'm not trying to be dismissive of people who do hair. Whatever. Do it. Hey, here's what I want you in 2025. I want from you in 2025. Dismiss more fuckers. All right, man? Okay, you know what? We haven't seen anyone with a fucking really cool job on this show. How about that? How about that? I want more pride in your bitchery. That's what I request for you in 2025. We all know what we're talking about here. All right? Everyone...

No, we haven't seen anyone with a fucking big deal career on this show ever. Okay. Yeah. No one, not a single person. We've seen people who've had big deal careers and then cocaine their way out of them, but we haven't seen people who've actually are maintaining them at the moment. So she's, by the way, she has, she has such a busy, I mean, she has a busy waking up at four 30 in the morning. I just have to say, I'm just so glad that she thought ahead and went to sleep with her mic pack on because just one less thing you have to focus on in the morning when you wake up. Yeah. Yeah.

- So she tells us her whole thing. Frankly, sounds boring, but real pretty. And she's been trying really hard to get on this show apparently. So let's see what she's got. And obviously has the best job ever on the show. So you know what? In this episode, I was like, I'm rooting for Sally. I like Sally. She's beautiful. I like her personality.

I feel bad for her now for having to start on Southern Hospitality because that's a shame. But, you know, we all got to start somewhere. So, so far, rooting for her. So she's talking to Daniel, her coworker on the phone. She's like, yeah, you know, I got to go here because Dr. What's-His-Buns is in surgery. So I got to cover him for that thing. And then she tells us, yeah, people are always shocked by...

When I tell him I control a robot in spine surgery, excuse me, do I look like I do that? I'm sorry, do I not look like I do that? I know, bombshells, not usually controlling robot. Now here's my question, controlling a robot,

What does that mean? Do you tell the robot what, is it like me asking for Siri for directions? Because I'm not exactly like a tour guide when I tell Siri to take me to the home goods. You know what I mean? Or like, what does it require? I want to know. It's probably hard. I don't know, but don't act like you're the first one to come on this show. Controlling a robot. Randy, get in here with a martini. He's on wheels now.

Hey, could you do something about Randy Spiney's little bit shaky with martinis?

So she says, Sally says that when she was 15, she thought she would have three kids by now. And she grew up in Greenville, South Carolina, very Southern, did the whole cotillion thing. But it just wasn't for me. I wanted to be a boss. I made close to $400,000 when all is said and done. And I feel like I've finally become a strong, independent Southern woman. I don't need a guy to have a house or have a kid. I can do all that on my own.

I'm going to do it with a robot who does spine surgery. I've got a robot. Yeah, she's like, my boyfriend is Wally. Yeah, good for her. So I like her. I respect her. And I don't think we see any more of her. I think that was it. So bye, Sally. Good to meet you. They're like, hey, Sally, would you be on this show? We want video of you getting ready for work. And then that's it.

Wait a second. A lady who is not dependent on some awful man's approval on Southern charm. Get her off the screens. I know. Did she bang Whitney to get on this show? I don't think she's even allowed here. Get her off the set. People get her off the set.

So then we go to someone else who formerly was in the medical industry and then went into, I think, what was it? The seltzer industry of some sort? - Promoting beer at, what's that restaurant called? - Republic. - Boots and Bubbles. - Oh, Bubbles and-- - Republic.

You're right. But it was bourbon and bubbles over at the spinoff restaurant. That's not as cool. Yeah. And it's Taylor. It's Taylor. Here she is, guys. Taylor with that charismatic personality. She's like, hey, Penelope, you're looking good today. Penelope's like, can I go to Craig's house?

So then Rod comes over and he's like, hi, personality off here today, huh? So a lot of really fencing with noodles. These two. I love a high energy scene. So she's like, I don't know who has ever used the door knock, but you just did. Because, well, you know how formal I am.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It's your first time here, isn't it? I wanted it to be a beachy theme. And he's like, am I going to see shells in the bathroom, though? Because one thing I'm so sick of is rope. I'm so sick of rope, I'm going to hang myself with it next time. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm a funny gay. Uh-huh. Anyway...

Gaston wants me to move in with him. And I'm like, oh, thank God, please do it. Because I'm sure he does not have rope decor, you stupid bitch. What? I mean, sure. Sounds great. Pump the brakes on that one. You're already getting the milk.

What was that? What kind of thing is that to say, by the way? Like, what the hell? You're already getting the milk for free. What the hell? Who says that? And she's like, well, I'd rather be engaged rather than just live together. And then every three months be like, is it going to work out? Is it going to work out? Is it going to work out?

You'll be asking the same question if you're engaged. I hate to break it to you. How long have they been dating? Like nine months or something like that? And this guy already has like a sordid past. Listen to Rodrigo on this one. Listen to your local gay.

Yeah, you marry a man like this, we don't even know Gaston yet, but I can already guarantee he sucks. I can just guarantee you he sucks. Because he's on this show. And nine out of ten men do suck on this show. So that's how I know. That's the evidence I'm going on, okay? History. I'm using history as my evidence. So let's just assume Gaston sucks. Everybody who gets engaged to sucky men, guess what? You're asking yourself every day, is this going to work during the engagement? And guess what happens when you get married?

You start questioning that. Is this going to work every day? Is this a day I find out he's been cheating on me this whole time? How much do I forgive in this relationship? Girl, I see your path and it's not a pretty one. No, no, it's not. So they sit down for some snacks and champagne and Taylor's talking about how Penelope's pooped from the party. And she's also says that Shep called her.

And we hear Shep's voicemail, which is like, hey, Garsh, we should get a cup of coffee or ice cream or, I don't know, sit somewhere and watch the Vietnam War. It's a wonderful documentary. Why wouldn't you ever watch that? Come on now, Taylor. Garsh. Yep. Shep up to his old, old self. Shep, who just said that a couple weeks ago that he keeps having a recurring dream about Taylor where she's a bird who just keeps flying to a window without him there to control her.

Yeah. And then she's like, she's like, so your new girlfriend doesn't care. And she's like, well, I haven't run it by her or anything.

Okay, well, that's great. That's great. Yeah. Doesn't sound healthy, but fine. Good luck. So Rod's like, so you met the new girl? And she's like, yeah, she's great. But one thing she said to me, though, and then we see a clip of the newbie going like, well, I've heard mostly good things about you. I don't, don't, don't. And the baby went longer.

And Rod's there like, well, do you think having Gaston there would be helpful for you? Because, you know, you were at that party all alone. Where's Gaston? Where's Gaston? Gaston? Gaston? It's the Beauty and the Beast sequel where suddenly everyone in town cares about Gaston instead of Belle. Gaston! Gaston! Gaston! Gaston! Gaston's just walking down the street reading a Popular Mechanics. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

I have to say, I respect Rodrigo for pulling this messy move of trying to get Rodrigo, I mean, getting Gaston into the mix. That way he can cause fights. Taylor's like, no. Do you want to be mad at him a little bit because he wasn't there to have your back? No. Well, okay, how about this? Sally and Shepard being really negative about Gaston.

And then it cuts to Sally just going, I hate Gaston. Cut back. And Taylor goes, but nobody else knows him. Nobody else has gotten to be like, I'm going to get to know this human being. Yeah, but you don't bring him to parties. So how are they supposed to get to know him?

Yeah. And that's exactly what Rodrigo says. He says, well, he needs to come around so we can meet him. And he's like, I feel like that's an important thing that they're not doing. I think they need to own their relationship and like walk forward in that so we can start getting into arguments about it. Come on now. We're doing a TV show. Yeah. And then it just cuts to Taylor giving her best soap opera look. Well, in her head. But really, it just comes off like this.

Taylor is like that last drip of water coming out of the kitchen sink after you turned it off. And you're just like, are you going to stop dripping? And then it's like. Last drip energy. Yeah, the final drip energy. It just takes forever. And so you assume it's interesting. But then at the end of the day, it just drips.

You're like, this drip is holding out, so it must have something to say. It probably has something on its mind. Something probably happened in the faucet. It's late for a reason. It's like, so, drip, what happened in there? Nothing. Damn it. Come on, that's it? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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It's time to expand your understanding of how globalization shapes both global and local business strategy. Ready to build your legacy as a business leader? Earn Georgetown's Executive MBA. Explore the program at msb.georgetown.edu slash emba-podcast. So now the guys go to coffee. So Shep is...

Shep is like, hey, Garsh, oh, let's see. They got iced peach tea smoothies. Matcha! I think matcha's good for you. I learned about it when I was doing ayahuasca for her day. So, and Austin's like, you know where that's popular? You know where? That's popular in Australia. The worst word you ever want Austin to say to you. I mean, that is just like three loogies just coming right at you. Australia!

And Shuck goes, "Yeah, they've got the matcha tea." And he's like, "Well, I don't think it's, I don't know." He goes, "It's because they've got the matcha tea." And Austin's like, "I don't think it's 'cause of the matcha." So he's like, "We'll do the matcha." So Craig comes and he's like, "Wow, I can't believe that you guys didn't come over yesterday 'cause the water was like 83 degrees, you know? It was amazing pool weather."

well, we need to get into better shape. Like Australians who drink matcha. So then we see them all there and they're all like, they get another gym session with them because that's the way they communicate is at the gym. They're like, yeah, nice set, bro. Thanks, man. Like that's their version of saying like, I miss you. So then Shep is like, he's like, Craig, oh, I'm sorry. You missed Sienna at the party. Gosh.

Yeah, I was flying back from Cali and I was wondering if she went to the party. You know, I was in Cali doing business business. I think of business a lot because, you know, paperwork and business staplers. So is she still here? Gosh, no. She wants me to come to the Bahamas, though. Gosh, I'm growing up now. She does not want you to come to the Bahamas, by the way. You're like, maybe I'll come to the Bahamas. And she's like, no.

- No, I have my real boyfriend there. So then Craig's like, "Would you have kids while they're there?" - Yeah, yeah, I would have kids for a few days, then we could send them back. - Okay. - You know, she's always talking about it, and it's got me thinking about what kids would look like and how I wouldn't want to be there. It's awesome. - So they ask Austin if he wants kids, and Austin's like, "Well, I always thought the answer to that would be yes, but,

Who the hell is it saying? Who is to discern? Well, Paige and I have decided to freeze my sperm.

It's not usually the way it goes. And I think he's just seen too many Housewives. So he's like, my sperm this season is freezing my sperm. No, nothing is happening with your sperm, sir. Okay. It's just not like, it's not like the egg storyline. It's just not the same thing. Men are still spouting out sperm at 90 years old. Look at Al Pacino still making babies. Look at fucking Alec Baldwin. Okay. Those guys are just chumming it out.

My biological clock is ticking like this. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Craig, what are you doing? You're making our matcha shake. Sorry. Oh, wait, I just came. Damn it, Craig. Sorry. So we get a clip of him going to the sperm place and he goes up to the lady at the desk and he's like, so how secure is this collection room? And she's like,

It's secure. And he goes, yeah. Do people break in and steal stuff? And she's like, oh, wait. No, not in the collection room. I mean, where you store the samples. Yes, Craig. They walk into the collection room and steal lotion and Kleenex. And then they just grab a vial of your sperm while they're at it, too. Because they want some of your amazing pillow. They really want compulsive liar sperm. Yeah. Yeah.

- Pillow maven sperm. That's actually a good sperm. I shouldn't call it loser sperm. He's not a loser, but you know, it would give you nice pillows and lie to you a lot. - Yeah. So he goes in there and he like leaves his mic outside. - Wait, how have we not even talked about the big news of Southern charm? Hello, breaking it, not breaking news. - Chicken news. - What did this happen on the 31st or the first?

It was like the 31st or 30th or the 33rd. It was right before New Year's Eve. So it was hidden. But like, yeah, big news in chicken world. Why did the chicken cross the road to get rid of the other chicken? We're broken up. The chicken crossed the road so that the other chicken would follow the chicken into the road. And then the first chicken could run fast to the curb while the other chicken got run over by a pillow delivery truck. So...

Why the chicken crossed the road to get as far away from Charleston as possible. Like literally the worst. The chicken flew the fuck out of Charleston. That's what happened. The chicken crossed the road to jump on an airplane to never return to this fucking dump.

Yeah, Craig dumped Paige. No, Paige dumped Craig. I shouldn't say dumped. They broke up amicably. I don't know who dumped who. They broke up. I heard her clip on the Giggly Squad. She said that basically this was not a plan for publicity to set up Summer House or anything. It just was the way it was. And she was like, I'm not going to cry on the internet. Huh?

but i will cry on a podcast just kidding i'm like laughing to be honest there were rumors circulating there was some rumors there were rumors all over the place that one couple was going to break up and that she was cheating supposedly and then there are all these rumors that she's been she's dating the dude from snl who plays domingo

And she's saying, no, she's saying, no, she was like, I'm obsessed with all these rumors. And then somebody else said she cheated and she's like, well, have fun getting sued. I'll see you in court or something. So, you know, I think they said allegedly, so you can't see them, but I don't know what's going on. I honestly hope that it's juicier than they just wanted different things. Cause that's so mature. Yeah.

Well, Craig took off pages pillows from his website. So no, he, they sold out of them because there were rumors of a girl. I've been following this. That's why I can't believe we didn't bring it up. I've been following this for days. And, um, apparently they sold out of that stuff, but.

They did have a limited X's blanket and it's called X's. Isn't that crazy? And other X's. So I bought the X's blanket. I'm waiting to see, you know, if it shows up. I'm like other Bravo things I've ordered in the past.

But yeah, I bought some of that shit because you know that's going to be limited edition. One day I'm going to be like, guys, I bought X's the day after their breakup. I know. Now I'm just waiting for the Paige and Naomi scene because it'll be so good. Now that they can join forces, it's all I've wanted all this time. Yeah. My two favorite things.

snarky people on Bravo. Yes. All of Craig's girlfriends. Hopefully by the end of the run of this, we can get all Craig's girlfriends lined up. And of course the internet's going crazy. Like, Oh my God, but he was sexting with Molly. Maybe he'll be with Molly. She's so cute too. Uh, which would be cute, but that would be too much of a, like, did they set this up for the show where they just brought him on a new girl to jump to? Yeah, I don't know, but I'm team page cause I'm always team page. And I, um,

I'm fascinated to see where this goes. I wonder if it's going to stay amicable or if it's going to go in a dark place. I think it'll stay pretty amicable. But one of the rumors was wait until he well, this was a tweet. So, yeah, this is a rumor. But they said, well, wait until Craig sees what was happening behind his back on Summer House. And then he's not going to be so amicable anymore. Dun, dun, dun. I don't believe it.

I'm not going to make Craig the victim here. It's not going to happen for me. Even if that is what happens, I will bend the narrative. I'm not going to allow it. Yeah, look, I think...

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I feel sad. I don't like when couples break up, which is weird because I'm super cynical. But once you're a couple, I think you're going to be together forever. I've said that a million times. And I think we kind of maybe saw this one coming. I mean, look, no sensible person is like, okay, she doesn't want kids and doesn't want to leave the East Coast. He desperately wants kids and wants to stay in the South. Like, obviously, it's not going to work out, duh. But...

I think we all thought that he was eventually just going to like cave in and just go up to New York and just do whatever Paige wanted. And so...

We don't know if this was truly the breaking point of it, but we'll find out. But now, of course, Summer House is going to be... It'll be like the Carl and Lindsay breakup. Although the Carl and Lindsay breakup season, it was not like we had to look for breadcrumbs. But this, I think, will be more like Scandaval, where the Scandaval season, we watched it knowing where it was headed, and we were seeing all the cracks within it. So now I'm sure with Summer House, we're going to see many more cracks with Paige. And I'm sure they're going to re-edit

And really amplify that part of the story. Well, every scene pages on this show with Craig is a crack. Literally. Look at the last episode. Yeah. Remember when she's just on the phone completely ignoring him by the pool and she doesn't even turn on until Madison walks in. And then it's like someone flipped a switch and it's like, oh my God. Hi, someone I care about. Please have a seat.

Yeah, Craig is really leaning into the homebody thing. And I'm not sure that Paige is as much of a homebody as Craig is. I feel like Paige enjoys in Summer House being in the bed and watching Love Island on her laptop. But like that's different than being a full fledged homebody, like having moments in bed and appreciating the value of watching a show in bed is different than like just not going out at all and being stuck in a suburban prison when you're down in Charleston.

Well, and Summer House is a show that's based on the weekend. It's a weekend show. So it's after a week of going out and working all week and going out at night. So that's why they're in the bed more on that. I mean, I don't know. Who knows? I'm sad to see it happen with these crazy kids. I don't know. I didn't know that they could make it. But I was hoping they would. I wasn't hoping they got...

I wasn't hoping that they broke up. I was hoping they got divorced, meaning I was hoping they would get married. And then one day you just see her realize slowly what an idiot Craig is and then divorce him. But, you know, I like Craig too. I think he just needs to find that they're just too different. I like them both. I like them both. I think that Craig, I think you mentioned last episode, you know, Craig can be extremely likable, but he has, he has some really shitty sides that we sort of, it's easy to forget about. And then they come rearing back and they're like,

Yeah, I'm not forgetting. It wasn't too long ago. That's what I was talking about last week. It wasn't too long ago on Winterhouse when Craig was just, you know, flipping money at everybody saying he's too rich to clean and all of that stuff that he was doing. And like he literally was like a pathological liar.

and probably still is for the first half of this series, the show's run for like years. It was, he was studying for the bar and then all of a sudden, Oh, I never took the bar or like, I never was like, he was all sorts of lies. And then people were frustrated with his lies and he always winds up looking really great. And they, other people look like the monsters for being frustrated with him. Cause he does a little boy act. But the truth is he's like,

He's shady. He's shady, but he's charming. He's a shady lady. Yeah. He's charming. Well, everybody, that's the news on that. So it's pretty sad for those two crazy kids. So anyway, now this, but now back to the Shep and Austin pretending that they're actual good people who give a crap and guilting Craig for actually doing something with his life.

So they're talking about kids and stuff. So we just see Craig going to give his sperm and they actually see him. We actually see him go into the room and they show him the porn. They're like, they're like, here's some porn. Please, you know, wash your hands before and after and everything like that. And then he,

closes the door and I'm like, they're going to, they're going to show him, they're going to show the sounds of him jerking off. But then he thinks and takes off the mic and puts it out. So Jerry probably was like, Jerry was like, Craig, take off your mic. Oh yeah. Yeah.

But Craig, listen, Craig, the only way we're going to keep you in the sperm place with your mic on is if we've got dish towels to sell and we don't have them ready yet. Craig. All right. You're going to have to do that later. Get rid of the mic. Don't blow your load too soon. No pun intended. Craig. Should I put this on the gram? No, Craig, not our brand.

So Craig has just told the guys that, like, Paige and I have decided to freeze my sperm. But what we find out is that's really Craig because he tells them, so I read about this person in a car accident and he survived but can't have kids anymore. And I would be remiss, which is a word, to say that becoming a dad is probably like, I don't know, what's it called when it has to happen? Certainty? Prerequisite? Yeah.

Yeah. One of those words. Donut hole. That doesn't even make sense, Craig. Well, it's going to be like three or four years. But you're going to be like 40. And he's like, yeah, well. So we see a clip of him telling Paige he's going to freeze his sperm. And she's like, I got a freeze on my TV.

And her face froze in the space. It was like, what the fuck, Craig? Like I could hear the dialogue, but her face is just frozen. I was laughing so hard. Is she wearing a wig? What is looking so different about Paige? Someone pointed out that she got bangs, but it's different. This is a wig or something. There's something going on. I don't even know if this is Paige. This is probably just some AI person.

No, I think it is. I think it is Paige. Maybe, I mean, maybe it's like Madken Amic or something in a wig, but like, I think it is Paige with just bangs. I think because the bangs come forward a lot, they just create that, that sort of sense of air that you get with a wig. You know, the wig sort of always sits on a head. And so like, maybe that's what it is. I don't think it's like a wig. I mean, maybe it's a wig, but either way, she's like, when he's like, I want to freeze my sperm. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I like, he's like,

that he says to the guys, "Paige and I have decided to freeze my sperm." And then when we see her reaction, she's like, "What the f-" - You're an idiot. She's like, "You're stupid." And he's like, "Well, but what if my testicles get chopped off?" - Oh my God. - So he's like, "The version of what I saw my life living isn't really what I'm living, but you know, like I want to live the stable life, like where I grew up, you know?" I'm like, "I had a mom, I had a dad, they cleaned stuff.

We caught fish. They encouraged me to lie a lot about being a lawyer, you know, typical, typical life. I was like, I don't know that they did the best job. I don't know that I would say I want to be just like your mom and dad. They raised a compulsive fucking liar. I know. It's awesome. Like, tell me something. Did you decide or did Paige decide to wait three or four years? Well, she did, but I agreed. And so the guys laugh because Craig is full of it, right? Because Shep is like, well, huh?

It's like, I doth protest too much. Like protesting. But it's like, agree. He doth agree too much. No, he didn't say doth. He said douth. Shep is so dumb. He tries to talk like he's this really intelligent person, but he can't even pronounce half the shit he says. He's like, wow. It's like, what is that saying? He doth protest too much. Maybe I'm the idiot. And that's really how people like Shakespeare realists will come at me. I don't know. But I've never heard that. And then he repeated it.

he does so craig's like we're gonna do it one day but like why not make as much money as we can now by making pillows and like jerking off onto our new tea towels craig we're not doing that with our brand oh sorry jerry says i should redact that why is jerry on spit why is jerry on speakerphone sorry jerry's my new chef

So he's like, yeah, you know, like we just want to like make as much money as we can right now. And Austin says, well, I just want to make sure that my buddy is doing what he wants. And that's it. That's what a real relationship is. The man making himself happy. OK. Have I ever told you I want kids now or did that come from someone else? Because I never said it.

And Allison's like, what? Ever since I've known him, he said he wants kids. And we see this clip of him making a pillow with the name Penelope on it. And the producers are like, what's the Penelope for? It's the daughter I'm apparently not having that I want right now at this moment. I want a daughter yesterday. Penelope. You can put a tooth in it. Yeah.

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So then we go to Pat's house and she's just looking around her room making a list. She's like, "Hold on, Randy, hand me that pen." "Here you go, ma'am." "Ow!"

Why'd you stab me in the eye? Well, it's not like you're using it very much. Now feel around until you feel the cold, hard sweat of a shaker. People always say the robots are going to rise up, but as long as you keep them in their place, they never will even think about it.

So Whitney comes down and he's like, Mother? Hello, Mother. Hey, honey. Well, your birthday's this week, huh? She's like, yeah, I'm 83. When people remind me of how old I am, I think that can't be right. I still feel like I'm 43 years old. Me and Georgette Mossbacher painting the town red with actual...

Red paint, actually. We got in a lot of trouble for that one. We were bad, bad girls. But I always said, you know, bring a little style to the street. Sorry. God, Georgette Mossberger. God, her graffiti was horrifying. She would just write, fudge you, fudge the cops. I said, Georgette, now's the time to say the full F word. She said, I don't care. Doesn't matter what I do. I'm not going to curse.

The only thing she ever did was one time on my birthday, she ran around putting the P word all over town. I said, Georgette, I'm so proud of you. Until I actually looked at the word. It was pierogi. Well, all those years later, she ended up being the ambassador to Poland. So good on her. Whore. Whore.

So they're sitting there. Whitney has the sunglasses on inside while he's about to receive a to-do list from his mother, which I like. And I'm still coked out of my mind. And our whole agreement is that I wouldn't have to do anything with my life. So could we get this over with? Thanks.

Well, I want to go over this list. Now that you own all this, I have these things for you that need to be responsible for and hasn't been as organized as it could be, much like your love life.

Now, listen, a few months ago, we talked to the financial planners and such. And, you know, when I kick the bucket, all this house and everything, Whitney's going to have to pay 40% or something awful. And the point of generational wealth is not to give it to the government or the poor. This isn't a cheese line. Ow! Sorry, Randy, I didn't even mean to kick you in the head that time.

The point of generational wealth is to give as much money to the person in your family who's doing the least with his life. So, Whitney, it's all yours.

So they've decided to move all their money into a trust. She had Whitney buy the house from her, and then they moved it into a trust. So the government can't get any of it when she dies. And so she's like, you know, I mean, some things are seasonal. You have to pay the gardeners. You have to pay Randy when he behaves. How often has Randy been paid? Well, never. Sometimes I'll pay him in a fork to the spine.

You know, there's a million things to keep up with in an old home. I mean, you got that in the spring, you have to buy new lilies at a certain place for the lily pads. And then you've got a,

Buy lily pads for Randy because he likes to throw them on his wall. He does strange things in the servants quarters. I don't get it, but it brings him happiness and makes him not ask for more money. So we make him happy where we can. There's only one place in town that sells lily pads big enough to also be used as bandages for Randy. So nobody can find any evidence in trash cans.

So there's that. There's interior guys, exterior guys, painters, bricklayers, foundation founders, facelifters, nose tweakers, elbow redoers, pond excavators. It's a lot. When he's like, this is a lot of work.

It's like creating a museum with public funding. That's a commentary on the state of the arts and our government. Yeah, well, when I die, just have an auction. Just make sure no one stupid gets all my precious art. Thank you. So it's like I can't imagine a world without mom. It would be like a world without Dom Perignon. Did you ever guess this house would ever become so much of a money pit?

or does that evade any sense of logical reasoning quiet whitney just get the lily pads already i'm tired i think it's so sad that it's patricia's birth birthday episode and she's just given everything to her son and the nicest thing he can compare her to is a glass of champagne okay so white duck tacos um it's a place it's a place called the white duck

So it's a Leva scene. Leva's still here. Why? Probably just to do shit like this. Because this is what Leva does on the show. She sits and talks to the people that nobody else would talk to and then says things like, but don't you think you should shoot a scene about it? Okay, gotta go. So she arrives and meets up with JT and she's like, I'm on antibiotics. He's like, allergies, no.

No, just having a child and also working in close proximity from the entire staff of Southern Hospitality. Oh, okay. Hey, I love small dogs. It feels like I'm sort of persona non grata, by the way. Madison sat me down and lit me up real good. She lit me up so good, I almost wondered, did Brett get jealous of how much she lit me up? Kind of feels like there's a vibe there, right? Oh, you call Patricia a bitch? You're the bitch. I see a little clip.

And then love is like, well, I was trying to stand up for you. I was like, I have never even heard JT use that word. I mean, I don't think I've really talked to him that much, but still, you guys, he didn't do it. Yeah, I never use the B word, the P word or the V word and sometimes even the DT word. What's that word down there? I just don't know how to use that.

That's why I wanted to talk to you. Because I know you were just upset Patricia didn't accept the cane, right? Is that what's on my card? He was upset Patricia didn't accept the cane. I mean, that's what it says. Doesn't make much sense on the face, but can you take it from there? Great. Go for it. I'm going to eat a bite of this.

"Well, I wasn't upset. It's just this whole game of telephone is so twisted. I mean, this just screams Craig!" And then JT tells us, "I need Craig to walk all this rhetoric back. And if that's too incendiary, I'll die on that sword too!"

Um, so every man on the show have to talk like that. None of you, none of you are even saying correct sentences. Like what does that even mean? He needs to walk his rhetoric back. And if that's too incendiary, I'll die in that side on that sword. What's incendiary. What are you saying is incendiary that he's walking his rhetoric back? Am I not getting it?

No, I think they just like to talk like they're very educated. I think it's because Patricia is there on that cast. Because whenever they're around Patricia or just know that she might be watching, they just try to be a little classier and more educated. I mean, no one does it more than Austin. Austin, who is really not that bright. Shep does it a lot, too, though. Shep does a lot. But I feel like Shep is bright. Although maybe his pronunciation of Doth is...

maybe goes the other way. I do think that like Shep, Shep is like, I think very educated because what else is his family going to do with him, but send him to school. But like with Austin, Austin, when he always, he always tries to puff up and, and try to be very witty. Like he's, you know, um, what's his face? The guy who's in,

Oscar Wilde. Thank you. I was like, I love me slamming someone about trying to be witty while I'm trying to make an Oscar Wilde reference and I can't even do it myself. But at least I know I can't do it. I can't do it sometimes. It took me a while to get the Oscar Wilde out there, but I got it out there. Anyway, the point is this. Austin is not sitting at the vicious circle. He's not Dorothy Parker at the vicious circle. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why do I keep making these references that I'm clearly doing wrong? I'm like, why, Ben? Stop making references. You're no Gertrude Stein. Stop myself. Stop me.

stop with the incendiary references. So Leva's like, yeah, I mean, Craig does tend to exaggerate. So then we cut to the finale party where Craig is kicking Leva out for talking shit to his business partners about what a loser he is. And he's like, go then, go, go. She goes, I'm going. Go, go then. Do you want me to run, Craig? Go, leave now. I forgot that part where she was leaving and he kept telling her to go. And she's like,

I am going like, am I supposed to run out? Like he was on such a power play that episode. Remember he had every single person and just like anyone who was like a tertiary member of the cast sitting at one big long table and he put Naomi and leather at a separate table. That was so mean. Yeah. So anyway,

Never forget. Leva's like, well, so JT, I thought you and Madison were friends. Well, we were. You know, I just took it. I sat there with my cane and I took it. Me, a cripple being attacked. She's like, okay, well, you should just call Craig. He's like, what a jacked up situation.

So now Craig and Paige are talking. Hey, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. So I'm going to tackle the last room of the house now. She's like, what is that? The frog? And he's like, are you laughing? The chicken. No, I'm chicken. No, I'm not saying you're. I'm saying frog. The room's called frog. Are you calling me a frog? No, we're going to have to break up. This is what led. This is what caused the breakup.

So he's like, what does frog even stand for page? Like, you know, and she's like, um, front room over the garage. So, uh, he's like, what are your goals for this room? She's like, don't worry about me. We won't be together by the time that's finished. It's like, well, I just don't want it to be a podcast room. Um, please make it just a podcast room. Cause I can't imagine what else you might put in there. It's already tough enough.

looking at all your stacks of fabric. So he's like, it's been a couple of years. And we started out after COVID and we were like digging a lot. And like, there was nothing else to it. We go on tour now and like- Oh, they were drinking a lot. Sorry, that was my typo. I thought we were dinging a lot. Also, did you like how I spelled rhetoric up there? Today I did the first half of notes and Ben did the second half of notes. And I wrote-

This is how I spelled rhetoric. Before the scene where we went in on how stupid all these guys are, I spelled it R-E-T-O-R-I-K. I was going to let it slide because I knew sometimes when you're typing these notes, you just want to say, just type what it sounds like. Yeah. I swear to God, every time I have to type, every time I have to say ayahuasca, I still don't, it's like A-Y-O-U-S. It's like it's so, ayahuasca is like the hardest word.

And I looked up the other day, I was like, how do you spell this word? And people are just always writing. This is like the common thing. The suggestion is, how do you spell ayahuasca? And people write I-W-A-S-K-A. And I'm like, I get it. I get it. Ayahuasca. Yeah, I get it too. That's hard. It's hard life, guys.

Craig's talking about the origins of his podcast with Austin. I just started with him drinking during COVID and now it's turned into a business. And so he's like, but chicken, look, I want this to be a month multifunctional room where I can craft. She's like, Oh, we're crafting. What are, what are we crafting? I don't know, but I have a cricket. She's like, Oh, a cricket. Okay. Sorry. I'm just drafting the press release for our breakup in a few months. Sorry. Could you spell cricket? Is it spelled like the actual bug? Yeah.

No, it has a U in it. Oh, even better. Okay. Oh, Craig, could you make me an iron-on for a shirt with your cricket? Yeah, I'd love to. What do you want it to say? Okay, I want it in wingdings, and I want it to say, I'm breaking up with you. I guarantee the moment he mentioned that he had a cricket machine, she was like, I'm out of here. I can't. I'm never getting another boner. Hey, do you have a 3D printer? Could you make me a boner that I could possibly use on our next date? Because I don't know how I'm going to fake this.

Listen, Craig, I don't know how to break it to you, but I'm a fashion influencer. Cricket is our C word. So he's like, well, if I have a room for just my sewing machine, it's just, okay, why don't you do this? Do one wall with your chairs and your microphones.

and then do your other stuff everywhere else where nobody has to see it. And he's like, okay. She goes, and why don't you guys record in the same room? That's crazy. You live in the same place and you don't even record in the same space. Hey, watch your ass, okay? I took that very personally. And I know Ben took a little note on that. Like, yeah, Ronnie. Because it's harder to get out of bed and roll out. You don't get the same joie de vivre as you do when you just roll out of bed and you're like, here's what I think. You know, driving changes things.

Well, also having to be someplace at a certain time is more annoying. And on top of that parking, well, parking is not an issue for Craig and Austin, but in Los Angeles, you know, for many years, Ronnie lived a mile away from me and we still did it remotely because honestly, parking, parking is an issue in LA. Like if you can't, if you don't have guaranteed parking, if you have to hunt for a spot,

You might as well just stay home. So I get it. But I will say this whole conversation about what to do with the room and like multifunctional podcasting space. I was just cracking up because that's literally what I'm doing in this room here. It's like my board game storage. It's my podcasting space. It's going to be a video podcasting space. It's where I have my, my Peloton. Like I am doing this and I'm constantly like bringing Dom here down, down here. And I'm like,

what do you think about this? I'll see about from this angle. This looks like really good. He's like, yeah, it looks great. I'm like, I'll see about moving the fake plant over here. What do you think about that? He's like, that looks good too. Now, what about this? I was thinking about like, I could put a board game over here. He's like, yeah, sure. I'm like totally the Craig right now to Tom's page. Yeah. Yeah.

So, um, she wants him to, he has an embroidery machine now, so he wants to do that. And he, she wants him to hem pants for her because he's never hemmed a thing for her. And, um, basically he wants a lot of things and he gets down to the wrapping paper wall and she's like, what? And he's like, you know, people have wrapping paper walls. And she's like, I guess you've never heard of that. And she goes, and he goes, you know how people have wrapping paper rooms? And she's like, yeah, those people are fucking weird, Craig. Okay. Okay.

How about a room where I can store all my Prada? Thank you. Hey, Craig, I'm giving you an imaginary gift right now. Do you see it in your head? I do. Thank you so much. Open it, Craig. Okay. I've had this wrapping paper in my house. Open it up. Okay. I'm opening it. It's a box. Okay. Untie the string. I'm untying it. Open it up. What is it? It's a poster. What's it a poster of? It says I'm breaking up with you. God, we're good. Now that I'm no longer going to be in your life, you can embroider that onto a pillow. Okay.

Broken up with. The only thing that will sell out in your entire collection.

So now we go to it's now we're at like a golf club place, golf course, whatever. So Madison and Brett and Hudson all show up and they're just like checking in for tea time. And Madison's like, hey, you don't have an age limit on who could drive golf carts, right? I'm just imagining Bobby from SLC. Goddamn right. There's no age limit. Give me some soda.

She just goes off into the front row. Hey there, mister, I just had a Mountain Dew mixed with a Diet Coke with a little grenadine and whipped cream on it. Let me tell you what I think about your height requirement. I don't give a F, my loser! Oh my god, that alcoholic child is stealing one of the golf carts. Ma'am, she's not alcoholic, she just had a lot of sugar.

So now they hop on the cart and they're going to the course and everything. And Matt's like, so what are we playing for? Who's got the money? It's going to be corn. I'm playing for corn. You know, I kind of felt like Hudson was never going to be a little punk. And he is. He's a little punk. And I'm like, what the hell's wrong with you?

And he's just making noises like to mess up her swing and stuff like that. She's like, oh, my God, he's a preteen. I think I just have seconds before he don't want to hang out with me. Maybe a few years before he's saying Madison and grabbing his wiener coming out of the bedroom after being confronted by somebody. It's just so sad. Hello there. This is a two part recap. OK, this is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two.

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