#2727 Summer House S09E01: Taco Contract in the Oven
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Well, hello and welcome to What What Crappens. We're a podcast about all the crap you just love to talk about on your bravs. I'm Ronnie and I'm joined by my friend, confidant, ally and partner, Ben Mandelker. Hello, Ben. Hello. How are you? Good. How's it going over there, baby?

Going so well. How's it going over with you? Good. I'm getting over my cold. I'm feeling much better. I even did a couple push-ups today. What do you think of that? That's wonderful. And I did no push-ups today, but I have a very skinny yellow straw that is poking through into the screen. Oh my God, it's one of the new cast members of Summer House. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Everybody, welcome to the show. It is first day of summer house coverage. 2025 season nine. What will happen with Carl? What will happen with Lindsay? Who let preschoolers into this house? Oh my God, you are too young. Go home. I'm worried for you. I'm pulling up my white, my white auntie Ronnie carrying van and throwing you in there. These boys will ruin you girls. Get out of there.

This is the strangest casting the show has ever done. Arguably Bravo has ever done is basically have like two adolescents join the show. I know that they're 26, but I'm not totally sure. I'm pretty sure they're 13. I don't believe it. I don't believe those girls are 26.

Anyway, I think they're actually AI generated. They're AI generated, especially, well, there's like Bailey and then there's the girl who gets all the attention. I forgot her name. What's her name again? Oh God, we'll say it 90 times today. Yeah. I just remember that there's Bailey because I made a mental note of remembering Bailey because I was like, well, the show doesn't remember Bailey because she comes in and like just full

fully ignore her. Just this random girl that's in the house in every scene. She's the new Danielle. They're giving her that. She's baby Danielle. It's like they're doing Muppet Babies and that's the Danielle version. A perfectly gorgeous girl who's just going to get completely ignored because she's not blonde, basically. Yes. So anyway, we'll get to that. But everybody, thanks so much for supporting the Golden Crappies. Official streaming ending day is Valentine's Day, the 14th, tomorrow. So watch it or it's over. But

Good news. We'll still be live. We'll be going on our Mounting Hysteria Tour. Actually, we're already three weeks into it. And we've been having so much fun meeting you guys and hugging you guys. Even the one that gave me the flu. Even you. We're going to...

In March, we'll be in Cincinnati, Minneapolis, Toronto, Charlotte, Atlanta, Washington, DC, and Philly. And that's just in March. We've got a bunch more dates too. If you want tickets for those or other dates, go to watchwhatcrappens.com. If you want traders coverage, we are doing that over on Patreon. That's also where you get our videos like today's. You can watch our video recaps instead of listening on Patreon, or if you want to wait a week and watch them later or watch a back catalog of anything, just head over to YouTube

and they are free there. All right, let's get into her, shall we, Ben? - Yeah, let's do it. Let's get right into the new season of Summer House. - Yeah, a lot of questions about this one because Lindsay is entering the house pregnant. And so the questions are, what are we gonna do with a pregnant person inside the summer house? I didn't know, but we find out real quick and it's made Carl extremely uncomfortable. - Yeah, whole, totally uncomfortable here.

- I just don't know what to do. - Do this. - Yeah, so we open up with Andy at the reunion asking a very serious question, which is, "Do you think this same group of people can send it under one roof or has that ship sailed?" Do you think this same group of people can look around at each other and not ask each other, "Hey, did you get new boobs?"

So it's like, that's the big cliffhanger. Last season was so light and refreshing. Will they still be able to have fun? And now, two months later, it's Paige loading her luggage into Sierra's car. So I think the answer is yes. We can keep it light and fun. Luggage loading.

Paige lifting a suitcase as big as her body. Let's see if it works. Actually, much larger than her body. It's a huge suitcase. And Sierra's that kind of friend, like me, who just sits in the front seat and goes, do you need help? Do you need help? It's like, technically, I've asked if you need help, but I'm not actually getting out of the car to help. Paige is like, eh.

So she finally gets it in and she's like, I'm an independent woman. And then we cut to Kyle and Amanda loading up their luggage. They have a lot of luggage in that car. I hate their car. I just want to say I just hate it. But they filled it all the way up and there's no traffic for whatever reason. There is no traffic heading to the Hamptons. So they are going to hit the road.

Why do you hate their car? What are they driving this year? Every year it's something new. What is it this year? I think it's the same car as last time. I think it's some sort of BMW, but it has weird paneling. It's multicolored, and I don't like that it's multicolored. Oh, it's one of the X ones, I think. The electric ones? Maybe. Let me see. I think so. They're always driving $100,000 and over cars, so I always like them. I just think they're fancy.

I mean, I respect, you know, Lindsay, who is keeping the Kia tradition alive. I'm pretty sure she returned in a Kia this this year, like another Kia Sorento. And I was like, Kia dream alive. Yeah, I appreciate. I mean, she's probably getting sponsored by them. But like, way to go, Lindsay. And, you know, Kia, if you ever want to sponsor the Watch for Crappin's podcast, we will be happy to show up in places in a Kia. I already do it naturally. Yeah.

I was going to say, what are you looking for a free Kia for? You already got it. I don't know. I'll take another key if I can. I mean, no offense to Kia, but let's aim a little bit bigger. I mean, come on, BMW, come through. We'll take one of your electric buses. Jesus. I know that never happened anyway. We didn't even get free shit from McDonald's. I mean, come on. Not even a Happy Meal?

I'll just say it. Maybach, I know you guys listen. So if you want to just send a free one over, we'll take it. We'll take a free Maybach. It's okay. What's that?

It's just a casual luxury car that costs hundreds of thousand dollars. So then we cut to Sierra and Paige driving and Sierra's asking how Italy was. And she's like, did Craig come halfway through? Craig came like four or five days in. So it was just me and my family for the beginning, which was really nice because I got to spend time with the love of my life, my mom.

But then he came and then me and my brother ganged up on Craig the whole time. And every time he would talk, we'd be like, "Shut up, Craig." It was really fun. So that was "Traitors." Sierra's like, "It was a whirlwind." And we see a picture of her. We see a cut to a shot, a scene of her in the coffin being like, "Fuck whoever fucking, fucking, fuck, put me in this fucking coffin."

She's like, "It was so mentally exhausting. Like, everyone was crying by like the second day." And she's like, "Yeah, I was locked away in a castle in Northern Scotland. Damn Arctic. I got 10 minutes of phone time every six days, but I couldn't even go on social, so basically I just looked at my texts and didn't respond. Typical."

Um, well, I saw, um, you were with Jesse. How was that? And she's like, it was fine. I was like, well, and did he say anything about West? And she's basically, Sierra's like, no. And she's like, I'd be shocked if West's head is not as inflated as it seems via social media and every other outlet, because he's been doing all these podcasts and there's a New York times articles and everything. And he,

And she says, but I will say there's a high probability. I put my dick on the table tonight and make it very clear. West is a fucking loser. I'm like, wow. Like tell,

tell me you were just on the traders without telling me just the truth tonight. We're going, we're going to sit at the table and I'm going to tell everyone that he is a trader. I'm getting him banished. Well, you guys already had your round table and he's still there at breakfast. So you just need to get over it at this point. I mean, listen, you have to do like the audience does and just reset at the beginning of every season. But I get that. This is not that long after the reunion. So there's still sore feelings, but the,

the worst thing to give him is more of your feelings at this point. He's gross. I don't even think he's taken a shower since the reunion. Just let the douche bag douche, you know? - Yeah, yeah. Now he's in his middle hair part era, so.

I don't see a way back for him. It's too late. Once you've done that with your hair, it's over. It's over. - And plus it's gonna look way worse now because you guys are gonna be raging at him and they've brought in new guppies for the guys anyway. So yeah, it's not gonna be a good look. So then we cut to the Hamptons and West and Jesse are the first there because they're still like first seasons, first season people. - Well also- - A long time.

Yeah. Well, also it's clear that the show is now pivoting towards making them the center. Like I think that Carl and like maybe Lindsay, but definitely Carl, like he, he will be phased out. Like we are now focusing on the new generation of the show and that is going to be,

West and Jesse as our new pillars with Kyle and Amanda as like the house mom and dad. And so therefore we are, we start, they get, they are scheduled and they arrive at the house first and they get first, you know, choice of bedrooms and they go looking all around. And basically there's like a room that has two beds in it. And West is like,

He's like, basically like, okay, here's the thing. We each get our own room here downstairs, but we have to commute to the bathroom, but we can double up upstairs and have our own bathroom. So what do you think? And Jesse's like,

Yeah, I prefer to walk to the bathroom, I think. It's like, that really hurts my feelings, dude. God, dude, it hurts my feelings. And Jesse's like, wait a minute, but being roommates would be funny. And this is what's annoying about these guys. They're only thinking about the show. You know what I mean? It's like, well, that would be a good storyline. Let's do that. Let's go with a good storyline.

I'm like, well, what do you what do you choose, Ronnie? Private bathroom or private sleeping? Private sleeping. Yeah. Private sleeping all the way. Right. All the way. Yeah. OK. So then because you're in a group house, so someone's going to be pooping on your throne anyway. I mean, there's no getting around it, especially if they're on the first floor, because, you know, that's where people poop. Yeah, it's natural. You want to be closer to the ground.

I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page because there was that dreaded time when we discussed how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and we realized certain truths about each other that we're never maybe never recovered from. So I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page when it comes to private sleeping versus private bathroom. Yeah. If we shared a bathroom, I'd be like, well, there goes Ben's improperly, you know, slathered jelly. Yeah.

Ben strange peanut butter on one half jelly on the other half and put together like a book. And I'd be like, I can't believe Ronnie is putting the jelly on top of the peanut butter. Yeah. Even jellies for suckers.

So then they decide that it's going to be the best storyline if they take the one with two beds. They're like, "We're wacky." And Wes is like, "Yeah, I love a bunk bed room, dude. It's funny. It's got the most giggles." And I'm like, "I love to giggle." Heart with my hands. Heart with my hands. Don't steal Paige's thing.

That's not right. So Jesse's like, yeah, let's do it. I don't think I could have had any more fun with anybody but you. So like, yeah, get your bag. I'll see you in the room. Jesse is like more stoned this season than last season. Cause I, you know, he did lose his job and I don't know if he ever got a new job. And then part of me wonders, has he just been smoking up ever since last

ever since he got fired. Because he just seems totally, totally stoned. - It's such an emotional moment, beating cancer. And that's like kind of reminding me, it's time to live, brother. So I'm sharing a room. And so then Jesse's like, "Yeah, the only issue, no J-ing. No J-ing, brah." And Wes is like, "Do you J in the house anyway?" He's like, "Never, brah." He goes, "Yeah, I J in the house." He goes, "Well, maybe I J in the bathroom once." - He's like, "You for sure J-ed in the bathroom."

which I assume meant Jesus, right? Like prayed to Jesus. So then they go to the kitchen and they're just like all happy and everything. And the producer, so then Sierra, he's just, I'm sorry, West is,

you know, he's anticipating Sierra's return. And the producer is like, when was the last time you saw her? And he says, well, the day after the reunion, we met up at a bar and I just remember her being like, you, you didn't say anything at the reunion. And we see flashbacks of Sierra and page just kind of tearing West apart. Justifiably. So stupid in a stupid blazer and him just sitting there like shell shocked. Yeah.

So he's like, yeah, my spatial awareness was off. That's what they told him. So he's like, yeah, I was caught off guard, I think. And like, I wasn't like prepared at all, clearly. But like her feelings are valid. But I just don't know how else I'm supposed to break up with someone. So you can tell them what say, I

I mean, I guess, well, the thing is this, it's not fuck somebody when you weren't ready to be in a relationship after they told you they weren't going to fuck you unless they were going to be in a relationship. And they didn't want to look stupid on TV. And then you turned around and make them look stupid on TV. And the second you didn't need anymore, you dumped her ass. That's what you shouldn't have done. Don't make it sound like you were in some long relationship and you just didn't. She just couldn't take it.

that you, the stud of all studs, broke up with her. Give me a fucking break. But it wasn't just even about a breakup. It wasn't just about a breakup, if I remember correctly. It was that he was saying things like, well, the show's gonna come out, and there's gonna be... He basically wanted to go and have sex with all his new fans.

And that's what it came down to on top of everything else. And it was just a real shitty move on his part. And he just ruined like a shockingly high amount of goodwill from the audience. Like so hot minus, minus Ronnie who never liked him, but everyone else was like, this guy is great. We really love this guy. I mean like really one of the best debuts that we've ever seen on Bravo. And he just flushed it all down the toilet. And now we can't even like,

you watch this cutesy stuff and now I know what it was like for you all last season because you watch this cutesy stuff and you just know it's all like a sham. Yeah. So, uh, well, shams are useful.

I'll say that. So he's just gross. So then, uh, Jesse's like, well, I heard a rumor, a girl's coming. I heard she's hot. So then we come back to Kyle and Amanda and she's like, we have new friends coming into the house this summer, Kyle. Oh, is it avocado and avocado? I'm not talking about guacamole, Kyle.

Well, I talked to Lexi and she sounded super nice and like super bubbly and she's learning the alphabet. Yeah, Kyle. She's like the sweetest and like, she's like, um, like on the younger side. Like what's young? Five years old. Whoa, that's pretty young. We'll take her.

So then cut to newcomer Lexi Wood and her friend Bailey, who doesn't have a last name apparently, arriving at the house. Bailey Danielle arriving at the house. Oh, gosh. Hello. Do we wear shoes in here? Oh.

Is this to promote the White Lotus? Because I swear to God, these are White Lotus characters. I swear to God, were these like the two, were these, I'm not saying that these are prostitutes, but they really reminded me of like the prostitutes from last year's White Lotus. You know, just like these two girls were like hanging around the resort, like, hey, and they're like silly. And I was like, who are these girls? The one just wants to play the piano more than me. Yeah, that's all she needs in life is to play the piano at the summer house.

And Wes hears that and he's like, do we wear shoes? That means it's a stranger. Wow. New people. So she's like, hi, we come to get groceries. Oh my God, you're so tall. Honestly, Lexi, I mean, I don't know what to make of her. She seems nice enough, but she seems like a strange kind of like AI generated person.

And the prompt was like small creature, but let's add Patti LuPone's face to it. She has Patti LuPone face. Lippland creature with Patti LuPone face. She's giving me a little Joanna Krupa. I mean, I don't know. I think she's a beautiful, they're both beautiful girls. And you know, this, this whole, this show is making fun of people, obviously, but you know, they're beautiful and they seem really sweet and everything. So I don't want to go too hard on them.

These guys are active. No, let me just stick with this. I don't want to go too hard on them, but I will say this. I do want to go hard on Lexi's parents because they let her start that

filling up your lip shit too soon. Her lips are flipping over on themselves. Okay, parents, if you don't let your kids drive, don't let them start putting all that shit in their face when they're like four years old. Just fucking stop already. I mean, a little, but my God, show some restraint. But anyway, the guys see these girls and they are like dad's

on the golf course at a country club whenever there are drink girls, you know when the drink girls come around and the men are all like, oh, hey, honey. Like they get off their voice gets a little deeper and they try and stand up straight and pull in their paunches. Hey, honey, how's it going? I just felt it was very cringy. It's a cringy. It's a cringy moment.

And in reality, I don't know how old Bailey is, but Lexi is, I think, 26. So she's only four or five years younger than... Well, West is 29, which is crazy. So Bailey is only three years younger than West and only five years younger than Jesse, who's 31. So they're in the same age group, but they read as so young.

It's crazy. Yeah, they really do. And I think because they're both really tiny, too. Yeah.

- Definitely Bailey seems more together than Lexi. I mean, Lexi just seems like, whereas Bailey, I would trust to get me home at night. You know what I mean? - Bailey is really- - They're both definitely drunk at the bars when I was younger. That's definitely a friend that I would trust to be around. Whereas the other one I would feel like is off in a wood somewhere, you know, just being giggling at spirits or whatever.

You know, you mentioned that they're like Muppet babies and Bailey reminds me of like a Muppet baby version of Anne from Vanderpump Rules and who has had a Super Bowl commercial, by the way, a very prominent Super Bowl commercial. But she has like Muppet baby and and she just sort of is like I almost am expecting her to like get groceries for everyone.

They do. They come bearing groceries. I'm going to stick with my, I'm going to stick with my Muppet baby, uh, Danielle for her. Cause she's going to get the Danielle treatment this whole, this whole summer. I could already see it coming. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

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So where are you guys from? Say, I'm from Toronto, my fellow Canadian. He's like, oh, why are all the hot girls from Toronto? There's something in the water there. And Wes is like, and what about you? And Bailey's like, I'm from Kentucky. And he's like, really? Where part is Lexington? He's like, well, I'm from Missouri. So we're like border states and everything.

So, you know, scintillating conversation between the two of them. So they're just like all flirting. And oh, so Bailey is 27. And so Bailey is actually the older one of the two. And there are comparing ages and stuff. And then Jesse says, you know, he's 31. And Lexi goes, oh, per. It's like, what'd you say? She said per. So that's Gen negative Z because we're like more Gen Z than you are. So we're like a lower letter than Z right now. That's Gen negative Z for hot.

I guess it's like, is that a good age? She's like, I think so. I think it's actually a great age. He's like, yeah, dude, we're getting younger in this house. We're saying per now, per. So it's like your dad being like, whoa, that lady's a mother.

So then they're showing the girls, like, everything, that there's sometimes a mechanical bull in the backyard and a dance floor and everything. And Lexi is saying, like, she's really good at mechanical bulls. And she goes, I mean, knock on wood, which I feel like I can knock on myself because my last name is Wood. So if anyone needs to knock on wood, I'm here.

"Wait, that's actually kind of sick. That's so purr." And Jesse's like, "Wait, Lexi Wood? What's your middle name?" She's like, "Diane!" He goes, "Oh, I thought it might have been 'gives me.'" She's like, "Oh, I've never heard that one before." He goes, "Really?" And she tells us, "Yeah, I've heard that joke a thousand times, but like, it was the first time I heard it from him. So technically I didn't lie."

I appreciate that though. Starting the summer great. Cheers to us. I genuinely go for somebody that can be silly and I love a good dad joke. Teeth. I love teeth for some reason and he's got a lot of teeth.

So they go back inside. I can't. I can't. I both want to tell this girl just to be quiet and also to tell her to run. Run quietly. Run quietly. Get in my van. We're going to your parents' house. I know. And she's like, not that they do anything. Her mom's probably sitting there waiting with a syringe at the front door.

I would never have thought her middle name was Diane, by the way. She does not seem like a Diane to me. Doesn't seem like Diane is part of her personality, right? Well, that's where your parents hide in all the respect names that they don't want anyone to actually call you, but they don't want their parents to be pissed off. Like my middle name is...

Well, to be fair, this girl had kind of a soap opera name that she has changed to Lexi because it was, you know, her name was probably Alexis Diane Wood, which sounds like, okay, you're taking over an oil company on a soap opera. Congratulations. You're a very powerful woman who wears big hats. But now she's unfortunately not lived up to the promise of her name. She's just changed into Lexi.

Lexi Wood, which is like just a different vibe, you know? I just feel like you need to give your daughter a stronger name in today's culture. You know, it's like a big bad culture out there and we need like strong, we need people with like strength. You know what I mean? You don't need something so agreeable. Like, will you do it? Lexi Wood, I just, you need something stronger. Like won't. Just rename yourself to won't. Won't. Oh, I see. Yes. Looks

Lexi would. I see what you're saying there. Well, unfortunately, she could never become a professional because then she becomes Lexi Pro. So that's awkward.

So, um, she, so they go inside and she's like, um, how many of the humans are here? And he goes, how many of the humans are here? Oh my God. That's hilarious. How many humans are there West? Dude, it's like 10. Like there's Amanda and Kyle who are like, they're basically old people at this point. Oh, look, they're driving up. Here they come. So now here come Kyle and Amanda. And I'm just like,

I have to say, after seeing Lexi and Bailey, a big thing for me in this premiere was wondering how, like, Paige, Amanda, Sierra, and Lindsay were going to react to the new, like...

like little fawns that have arrived because i was like i can't imagine that i i just cannot imagine they'll be able ever be able to hide their disdain so the first test is a mania savvy so i think they're gonna be like they were very nice so we don't look like a bunch of you know a bunch of assholes but uh yeah you know that they wanted to put them on the grill

Yes, they were. They were all very, very kind to them. But I'm like, let's come on. It's not going to last. Okay. So Amanda's the first test. So she and Kyle arrive and Amanda, Amanda's really claiming them as her friends because I guess she spoke to them on the phone and met them at an event.

So she's not trying very hard, is she? Because she's like, "Well, I met one girl at an event, and then I met the other one through a friend." So she's not claiming them like a housewife would. Normally housewives are like, "Oh, I've known her for like seven years, and she's like the best thing ever. I'm like so excited she's here." And Amanda's not doing that. She's just like, "Barely met 'em. They were forced upon me. Let's see what they're like."

Yeah. So we, as they're pulling up, then we cut back to Jesse and West and Bailey and Lexi and Jesse's talking about like, Hey, so we added two chicks. So that's 11 of us. And Lexi's like, we like to be called ladies. And he's like, Oh, what about women? Did you know, by the way, you know, that men are supposed to go downstairs before women is not like super per, right? Is that a good use of per? I'm surprised one of them wasn't like, how about female? Can we call you female?

So she's like, "Oh my God, are you holding my hand right now? Thank you so much!" He goes, "Yeah, of course. I would do anything for you." So then they go greet Kyle and Amanda and West offers help with the bags and Amanda just leaves and she's... And poor West. Basically the rest of the episode, since he got clobbered at the reunion, has to bring in everybody's luggage. Yep.

So Amanda's now talking about how she met Lexi and she's like, yeah, you know, I met, I met Lexi at like an event and she's like super sweet and bubbly and she's like a little puppy and I just want to cuddle her. And Bailey and I have mutual friends that we met through text.

I don't know. I think it was someone I shared an Uber with once and somehow, I don't know, we're somehow connected. And she's just like a quirky, spunky girl that we're not going to pay much attention to. I don't even think we're going to put her in the trailer, right? We're not going to put her in the trailer. Anyway, I get her awkwardness. I appreciate it.

"Oh my god you guys, I'm sorry you were stuck with these two schmucks." And she's like, "The boys were actually very good hosts, so don't worry about it." So then Paige and Sierra are coming. And Sierra's like, "Last year we were like, maybe I'm in my toddler era where everything is just like, no, yeah, need a nap. Like, shut the door."

I have to pee so bad. So then they walk in and say hi and everything and they hug. And West is, of course, this is a big face-to-face moment with West. And they're kind of like lining up for hugs with Paige and Sierra. So Amanda's like, are you going to go last? Is that what you just said? Like, are you nervous? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? He's like, yeah, man, I'm nervous. And like West is like turning red and like getting extremely nervous.

uncool in this moment. He's like, oh, I'll go last. So he goes to the end of the line and then Sierra comes up and he tries to hug her and she just kind of like puts her hand on his chest and moves him away. So then Jesse's, they have shots or something, or they're hugs basically. And Jesse's like, oh my God, you're so hot, Sierra. And then Amanda is asking Kyle for a limoncello and he's like, yeah, okay, Wes, let's go have some man time.

So Wes is like, oh my God, get me out of that room. It's going to be a long summer, Kyle. Like I tried to hug her and she just slapped my arm away. He's like, oh really? You know, Diplo has a song called Sad Summer. Oh my God. Wow. Thank you for adding that insight and texture to the scene. Kyle's already promoting his new business as he hands off one of his branded drinks. He's like, yeah, Diplo, Diplo. Sad Summer.

Does he have a drink called sad summer now? Nobody has Limoncello. He has Limoncello and then he's a DJ now like Diplo. So I just feel like if you're going to reference a musical soundtrack to this moment, I feel like you would go for cruel summer either by banana Rama or Taylor Swift. But why are we going to sad summer? It's cruel summer. Cool summer is what you call for. Diplo bro. It's Diplo bro. Diplo man. Get my brand. Diplo.

So then the girls are talking and Amanda's like, oh my God, when you guys walked in, Wes said, I'm going to go last. Isn't that hilarious? Sierra's like, yeah, he should go last.

did you hug did you guys hug it was awkward god i wish i had seen it oh i would have laughed so hard and sierra's like well he tried and i put him like put his arm around me and i was like literally i was like no i literally took his hand i was like get your fucking hand off your my fucking like space i'm putting putting your fucking hand on your fucking chest and don't fucking touch me you know it's just the way i talk um okay but like what drop what that's the opposite of purr

And Sierra's like, "Well, last summer me and Wes had a thing and it didn't end well, and so it's like he's still doing New York Times articles and shit, and I don't appreciate it." And Amanda goes, "Yeah, he's running his mouth." So yeah, I'm like, "You're like a little bitch boy right now." And so Paige is like, "Yeah, so that means we're gonna all accidentally drown him later. Are you in?" And Lexi's like, "Um..."

I am Canadian. This is like a little mean for a Canadian. So, Sierra's like, when I got back from Scotland, I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls about West New York Times article about me, basically. Because don't forget that last year, the New York Times had, for some reason, like a hard-on for these guys on Bravo. So there was like a Sandoval profile and a West profile. And,

And didn't neither of them really aged very well. So Sierra's like, yeah, I have no tolerance. And basically in the article, he was talking about how the relationship ran its course and they're not each other's people. And she's like, yeah, but why didn't you ever tell any of that to me?

So then the producer's like, but did you come in here thinking there might be a chance to get back with Wes? And she's like, um, not even answering that. I'm not doing that to myself. No way am I going to make myself look stupid. So whatever. But, you know, then don't. We've been watching the traitors. That ship has sailed.

So now the guys are in the backyard and they're talking about Carl and Lindsay and are they going to hug? Oh my God. And then back to the girls. And Sierra's like, basically the general consensus is that we hate boys. Unless they're really cute, right? I will say Jesse is pretty cute, you guys. And Bailey's like, hi, I'm Bailey, guys. I'm here too. And her horoscope, by the way, Lexi's horoscope said that she's going to kiss someone. So...

Why is it always the girl that everybody ignores knows everything about horoscopes? I just feel like that's such a sad way to try and get into every conversation. Like, oh my God, you guys, I have a newspaper. And in the end, there's horoscopes. Anybody want theirs? Amanda's like, well, we're scoping out horoscopes. You're going to kiss somebody. What horoscopes? I don't want that.

I've never heard of that horoscope. What? First of all, I've also never heard of a horoscope that was so specific. Horoscopes are never specific like that. They're kind of like, there will be some love and attention in your life today. She's like, okay, great. So, when's Lindsay coming? She loves to make out with a chick. Bailey's like, I do too. I'm like down to fiddle. Does that give me a space at the table here? I'm just like trying to fit in, guys. Can I have screen time? So, Lindsay and Gabby show up and...

Lindsay's like, does this gate goes in or out? And they enter in and it's all very exciting and everyone's happy to see them and hugging and they bring in groceries. And Lindsay's like, yeah, we were just like over here wishing upon a star that some strong man would like him help us. And, you know, like lots of greetings, et cetera, and hugs.

Yeah, lots of hug, big hair, don't care, et cetera, et cetera. And now they're talking about rooms and who's going to get what. And Sierra's like, so, Jesse, you've already hugged me. And he's like, I know, I just wanted another one. So he hugs her again and then cut to West bringing in all the luggage, more and more and more and more luggage. It's never ending luggage.

So then Sierra is talking to Lindsay and she's like, isn't it weird to be back here? And she goes, I mean, yeah. Last time I was in this kitchen, I was getting gosset as a fuck, you guys.

And then we see the flashback of Carl being like, a partnership is you caring how I feel and you're making me feel and you're making me feel like you don't care how I feel. And feeling is how feeling is. And you're making me not feel like I'm feeling because you're emptying drinks instead of caring about my heart right now. Those are fighting words. He's like, yeah, I'm not fighting you. I'm just trying to communicate. But you shut it down by saying I'm fighting you. It's like bullshit. It's absolute bullshit. Yeah.

So Lindsay's like, but here we are almost a year later. Cheers into his new summer. So they're all going to do like little shots and cheers and whatever. And so they toast and everything. And of course, and we find out Carl's coming tomorrow and everything. And Kyle's like, well, I think Carl was like, hey, let's ease our way into the new dynamic. I think he was respectfully trying to make it easier on everybody. Um,

Carl's just trying to be soft again. Trying to enter the entrance. He's also trying to have an entrance, you know? He's like the big dramatic entrance is Carl. Because it's going to be a lot for him. It's going to be a lot for Carl. Poor little broken Carl. It's going to be really difficult, guys. It's going to be a lot, bro.

So they all cheers and Amanda's like, guys, for dinner, I have a guy coming to do a bhaji in the backyard. Basically, every time Kyle eats, he throws his food all over the ground anyway, so I figured we'd make it the theme for the night. Hmm.

So they're going to go choose rooms. By the way, when they toasted, Lindsay appeared to take a sip of rosé, but I wonder if she didn't actually swallow or if she just like let it look like it was going into her mouth, but it didn't really go into her mouth because they definitely lingered. The shot lingered on her drinking the rosé, but it felt like it was, I don't think, I don't think that she drank the rosé, but I feel like there was some sort of like,

trickery afoot, like in the best way, like illusion, illusionary that was happening. And I want to know. I ain't here to judge ladies drinking. I was born in the seventies. Okay. You know what Franzia was called? Fuel. So baby fuel. So whatever. I, my mom didn't even break water. She broke a bag of Franzia and now I spilled.

Well, so now they're going to pick rooms and Lindsay just doesn't want to be in her old room. And so they're all going to do this whole thing and they're splitting up rooms, etc. They're racing around and there's talk about like Kyle going, he's going to complain about the light in the master bedroom, etc., etc.

And the girl, Lexi is fine to go wherever. And Jesse's like, "Well, you guys could just like come bunk up with us." She's like, "Oh my God, that's really nice of you. Thank you." He's like, "Yeah, we're like good guys. Yeah." And you know, you always know that like the best guys are the guys who call themselves good guys. Yeah. - Yeah. So then Paige tells Kyle, "Where are you gonna live so you don't cry about it, Kyle?"

He's like, "Hey, Amanda's the one who made the decision. I'm having a good boy, I'm having a good husband season." "Yeah, so you're gonna cry about it 'cause of the light?" And he's like, "Oh." And Paige goes, "Oh my God, it's so bright, I can't sleep." I bought a new eye mask. It's from the Diplo collection. It's called Sad Sleep.

So now then Amanda's, of course, like cracking up because she's like, oh, my God, Kyle's going to throw a bitch fit in here. So the primary bedroom, the one with the big log as the headboard. And so, yes, the room that Kyle hates. So then we cut back to the kitchen and he's still talking about his eye mask to the girls. And Amanda just goes, Kyle, we're going to need curtains. Yeah.

So, meanwhile, Jesse's like, by the way, Sierra, I really like your little skirt. I won't look at it while we're walking up the stairs, though, but I do like it. And Sierra's like, Jesse, just bring the luggage up. He's like, is this our summer? Is it finally our time? So, like, I'm ready. I'm ready for Jesse's fuckboy edit. Like, it's clearly already starting. It's going to be a terrible season for him, and it's going to be great for us.

but doesn't he just end up with this new girl right away and then they their boyfriend and girlfriend and that's it i thought that was the end of that story i thought he was that really what happens i thought i mean i don't know from everything i have no idea he hooked up with this girl right in the beginning and that was it you see him on instagram all over the place i don't know oh really i haven't noticed i mean i don't know pay attention to his instagram so i haven't seen but maybe

But maybe, I don't know. He's kind of flirting with Sierra, but in a joking way. I mean, I can't tell. He's like, is this our season? Is this our season? And then he touches her hand at the top of the stairs on the luggage and he goes, oh my God, how did that happen? She's like, shut up. So then Paige is stuck down there. She's like, Jesse, I also need help. Jesus.

So then Lindsay is in her room. Everybody finds our room basically. And Sierra's like, oh my God, we need to put a fridge here and a clothing rack here. I don't want to leave this room. And Paige goes, yeah. And a do not disturb sign right here. Yeah.

So, Jesse, are you going to talk shit now? Are you going to take a shit in our bathroom or what are you doing? And he's like, oh, just pissing. Don't worry about it. Yeah, he's fully just like peeing right there. So, Sierra's like, well, we do have to fill out the bed though. So, like, let's see what it's like with the door closed. And then they hop on the bed, but Jesse hops on the bed too. I'm like, Jesse, Jesse Solomon. Okay, Jesse, what do you think of the new girls? And Jesse's like, well, Lexi's definitely cute and like definitely a bit ditzy from what I can tell. I'm like,

You're the one who's stoned out of your mind right now. And Paige goes, "I think she's just Canadian." She's not ditzy, just Canadian. So then in her room, Lexi and Bailey are talking about which kind of, they have twin rooms and they're deciding which one to take. And Lexi's like, "Do you mind if I take this room? 'Cause the back one feels really lonely and I'm scared of the dark." And she's like, "What?" Yeah. It's really scary.

And Jesse's like, yeah, well, she's being really flirty with me. She said purr. And Sarah goes, honestly, take my advice. Don't shit where you eat. And also, please don't shit in our bathroom. But where else would I eat my breakfast tacos?

Old dog, new tricks. So yeah, I'm going to try and like move slow because like things, you know, strings tend to get attached and Paige is like, well, she did say you were cute. She did? Nice. Scored. Yeah. Yeah. Oh wait, I thought you were taking it slow now. It's like, no, I'm in love with her now, guys. I'm going to get a ring. So...

So by the way, what was your car ride up like? Was Wes nervous? Please say he was nervous. God, we just want him to be so nervous. And Jesse's like, no, Wes was like, you know, he thought like everything was going to be normal. And then he said he tried to hug you and then you swatted his hand away. And Sierra's like, oh, oh my God, what the fuck? What are you mad about? Oh, honey, I'm not mad about anything. I just think he's annoying. And I think he's a fucking loser. But she's not mad. Yeah. Yeah.

So they laugh about that. And then he's like, well, can we just all be friends? And she goes, look, we're going to have a great summer individually and collectively. And I'll clear maybe something up a little bit later. But other than that, I'm like, fucking fine. Whatever. So Paige goes, now run and tell your friends what you heard here. Go, boy. Go. Commercials. Here comes one right now.

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like West is in his room, just sort of like being brutal. And then Amanda's in her room telling Lexi that she's welcome to use her bathroom if she wants to poop. And then we go to Lindsay and she's talking with Gabby in her room. And she's like, Lindsay's saying how she's like really nervous. And they're talking about some sort of announcement that Lindsay's going to make, which of course we all know what it's going to be.

But Lindsay is, you know, sort of planning it out. Like let's maybe, maybe there should be Gabby. Why don't you gather people around in the living room for like a, you know, cheers to the summer toast. I can make the announcement there. Cause this is going to be the biggest announcement of her life, et cetera, et cetera. So she's like, Oh, hang on. I brought a speech. I need to practice my speech, but I'm not really sure where I put the hashtags. Do I say hashtag or do I say number sign? I mean, how do people do it now? I've got to get the sponsors on there. And Gabby's like, just do it. Don't, don't worry so much about it. I've memorized it.

So now it's 7.03 p.m. In case you thought it was 7 o'clock, it's actually 7.03. Three minutes have passed since your expectation. And Amanda and Paige, they're in Amanda's room. Amanda tells a story about how she found poop on her dress at home. And I was like...

that's not great. So, um, then Jesse is like, Hey, this room is like a vibe. It's so smart. And Wes is like, yeah, yeah, you know better. So they're all setting up the hibachi for the hibachi guy. Like there's, they're moving tables around in the backyard. It's like a lot of getting things ready in this episode. You know, it's like,

first episode of the season, get anything situated. So Wes and Jesse are in their room and Wes is like, "Bro, why are you already foaming at the mouth?" He's like, "Oh, about Lexi? Like, I'm excited. She's hot. She's young. She's a string bean. She doesn't know anything. Like, I'm totally into her." He goes, "But bro, we're supposed to be having our bro summer." And he's like, "I mean, I don't even know if she's single. Like, don't worry about it. We're totally still bros." "Bro summer over. Bro summer is over, okay?" And of course, Kyle's in there setting up his DJ, his Diplo moment.

And then Paige and Sierra are talking about Lindsay. And they're like, do you think that Lindsay's pissed that Carl's coming? And she goes, I don't know. I meant to ask her, like, what's your vibe? But then I would have had to, like, talk to Lindsay. So...

I had this gut feeling that they're actually going to become friends, which is like so annoying. And Sierra's like, again? She's like, yeah. She's like with a new guy and she's like, you know, you've been my friend for 10 years, all that kind of stuff. So like where we left off, Paige, I think that's like nuts. Yeah, it's nuts. But it's also Lindsay and she's like, you know, 80 years old. So just like let her enjoy the last few years of her life.

So now outside, Alexa, I mean, Lexi, Bailey, and Amanda are putting out chairs and making a sabachi table, and Gabby comes out in stiletto heels, and they're like, "Do you want to help?" And she's like, "No, yeah. I can't do that, because that's like work. But I will be inside pouring shots for people, so if you want that, come inside."

So then West is like, "Oh my God, girls are carrying the chairs. That's such a bad look, bro." Oh my God, how am I gonna get laid? I'm against Jesse again this year. I better carry things. I'm the caring person. Hey, does anybody think carrying things is hot? 'Cause I can carry things. Look at me with these chairs.

they're gonna really impress them with their masculinity by holding plastic chairs. So they, they do that. And of course, Lexi's like, um, she's like, I'm actually like sweating. So then they all go in the kitchen and everything. And just like, are you guys having fun? She's like, yeah, everybody's like really nice. I just wish Bailey were here this weekend. Bailey's like,

Um, hi, I'm here. Wait, Jesse, are you still making that drink? Oh my God. He's like, yeah, I'm making a drink. He's like, oh my God. He's like, do you want vodka or tequila? And Lexi's like, I cry if I have vodka, but I think that maybe it was just a bad date. If I'm going to be honest, that made me cry.

"Loudy Co. chemically makes her cry." He's like, "So you guys single?" And I was like, "Well, I'm kind of talking back to this guy in the city, but like, you know, that's your suitcase I have, which I didn't realize it, like, it has a fucking air tag in it. Isn't that funny?"

Wait, you're using a guy's suitcase, but you're single. Yeah. Well, hi, this is Bailey. Hi, I'm, I'm here too. I just want, I can, I can fill in some of the flavor of this story to really make it pop. So you understand it like, no, that's okay. We, we got enough of that. It's like, okay. So then Jesse is like, um, like, uh, well, I have a lot of extra suitcases if you don't want to commit to this guy. So cheers. Hey, look at me. This can be bad for you.

Yeah, because Lexi didn't look. So he's like, this is going to be bad for you. So then Gabby is like, we're going to do a toast in the living room. So Jesse's like, where's the living room? So they go in there and Paige goes, living room? We do McDonald's in there. That's not the living room.

So they go and Lindsay's nervous and she's like, "I'm just gonna sit in the living room until everyone else comes." Wes is like, "So are you drinking or not? 'Cause I read online that you're like preggers." She goes, "Yeah, I read the rumors."

And she's like, yeah, no. So everyone sits down and Lindsay's like, okay, but we be careful, Gabby. And they have a little bit where they talk about how this couch is difficult for Gabby. And we see a flashback of her falling over it. So now Gabby's like, I just want to say how excited I am to be here again with all of you guys. I've been doing Pilates. And I just want everyone to know that we have a totally unplanned speech from Lindsay right now. Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna say a couple of words, alright? So, uh...

Anyway, you know, back when I was born in 1933, times were different then. It was the Great Depression. It was hard to find fruit in the supermarket. But then came World War II. And it's like the clock is just like spinning and spinning. It's like 730, 735, 745. And then we got to the Dust Bowl and Mama said, pull the wagon over. And they're like, oh my God, Lindsay, Jesus Christ. And then I dated the man who invented hamburgers.

It was crazy. I thought he was lying, but then he decided to not put pickles on them. And I said, who wants a hamburger without pickles? Guess who won that one? And then I just remember that one date I had with a guy and it was interrupted because we finally landed on the moon. So she goes through every man in her life and we see the, the,

scenes of like when I mean when you ever made a sandwich for me and we see all of the Lindsay's greatest I got the taco contract oh yeah ever you slept with somebody in your bed last night well I'm gonna sleep with 10 guys man real man it's like oh my god and we saw Piedmont I mean we saw everyone we saw like just every like it was a like this is your life moment and so she winds up this is going on for like 23 minutes damn

Here's me with Rob Lowe in 1987. So, Mickey Mouse was much sexier before they colorized him. But you know who also was sexy too? Mickey Rooney. So... Unfortunately, I was too old for Charlie Chaplin, but he really knew how to play the piano.

Sometimes I still have debates over which Rooney was my favorite, Mickey or Andy. So... That seems like the vampire of Summer House who's just been around for hundreds of years. Wait, is Mickey Rooney... I always get these confused. Is Mickey Rooney... Wait, oh wait, Mickey Rooney is from The Wrestler, right?

Mickey Rooney is from, no, Mickey Rooney's from, isn't he like a old time movie star? Oh, Mickey O'Rourke is from "A Wrecked Friend." Okay, that's what I thought. Mickey Rooney is from, yeah, he was like the short little cute little old man. Chubby guy. Yeah. Anyway, the point is, George Burns, am I right? So, this goes on for a very, very long time. She's really taking a victory lap here. I was the first one to recast Darren.

So they're like, "Wrap it up, Lindsay. Lindsay, wrap it up, laugh it up." And Carl goes, "Eight years ago? Oh God, we're going way back. Buckle up, people. We got a lot of ground to cover." So she goes through the whole thing and then she's like, "And then came Carl and then Carl again and then he gaslit me and guess what? Now I'm pregnant." And they're like, "What?" And so they all cheer.

But it's not just that she's saying she's pregnant. She has taken her sonogram and she has blown it up onto Foamcore, like a presentation. She went, she like went to a print shop for this announcement. This is a lot. I'm sorry. This is a little bit over the top. Kyle's like, wait a minute. You're pregnant with the Kia? Shut up, Kyle. That's just the branding. The baby's got like a little hashtag Kia on it.

Her ultrasound, I should have said. You know what? And I love everyone is like, oh, my God. And everyone's like congratulating her. But Jesse looks horrified. Jesse, this is somehow very confronting for Jesse. And he just sort of goes into some sort of existential funk. He just starts staring into like a void and his face falls. And I'm like, I don't know what note this is hitting for him. But something is this. This really hit him hard.

well he's at a party and he's now with people with babies you know i mean last year was married people now people who are pregnant and about to have babies so he's like uh it's just weird like there's a pregnant lady here i'm concerned about carl's gonna feel about lindsey like being pregnant i mean

"God, just yesterday they were talking about having babies. I just want them to be friends. I don't know if it's possible." So they're asking her how many weeks, she's 18 weeks. They're asking if it's a boy or a girl. She's like, "I'm not telling anybody yet. I am still in talks with a gender affirming coach who's in talks to sponsor me. So I'll let you know as soon as the money comes through." - We are in the final stages of a contract with Carvel for the gender reveals.

We'll just have to wait. Carvel. I'm gonna bring in a line of Fudgy the Whale cakes and each one of them is gonna have a different color in them and you're gonna have to decide are there more blues or more reds on the inside? You won't know until you bite through the crackle top. So we are in negotiations with Cookie Puss to be part of our gender reveal?

So she says that she was pregnant at the reunion and to prove it, she made a whole video of her pouring out a bottle of Cristal and pouring non-alcoholic beverage in there. And I love that she made like a whole video of hers. I mean, Lindsay is too much, man. So Gabby's like, wait, she didn't have any of that? And she poured it out? That's by the way a waste of Cristal. She was like disgusted that Cristal was wasted. I know.

So Wes is like, oh my God, because right before she sat down, I go, are you drinking? And so I was like, can we see the bump? Which really has so many meanings on this show. So Lindsay shows off. I know, the baby's already had her first, I'm sure. That baby's probably, that's a summer house baby. That baby's in there like, before Carl's here, can we see the bump? If you know what I'm saying. So she shows it off and everyone's like, ah!

And then Jesse's like, we're having a baby. We're going to do a water birth right here, right now. And yeah, so it's all exciting and everyone's happy. And Jesse looks at the ultrasound. They're like, look, this baby has a big ass dick. I mean,

I will say it does look like the baby's doing a giant shot. Did you notice that? It looks like they're pouring like a giant shot down the baby's throat. No, I don't notice it because I don't understand like, like ultrasounds. I look at them and to me, it's like looking at like the sky part of a, of a van go, you know, like to me, it's all abstract. It's swirls and shapes. I never see anything in it. And people look at it. I'm like, Oh my God.

cute it is maybe like once i have a child which will never happen but like maybe what if that if that happens i will feel the feels of an ultrasound but to me an ultrasound is like looking at outer space and like trying to find constellations and when people are like oh my god and look at his you can see his head i'm like i just see blackness and then like a swirl of white it's like i put creamer into my coffee that's what an ultrasound looks to me i don't get anything out of them

To me, it looks like popover dough in the oven. You know how when you turn on the light? Or that. Or that. You keep turning on the light and you're like, oh, you're nothing. What's even the point of you? You took all this work and you're just fucking useless. It's not, you know, it doesn't really matter until you pull it out the oven covering. Yeah, you can't open that oven, which is awesome. Yeah. Same principles apply. That's why I chose popovers. So, um...

But, you know, great. Your life is over. Now you have a child. Pass them around when they're here. But until then, I don't want to hear about it. So you want the final product. You don't want the waiter to come to your table and say, here's a photo of our popover in progress. You just want the popovers to arrive. I don't want to hear about the journey. To me, it's not about the journey at all. The journey sucks. It's about the destination. Otherwise, why would I have made the journey? I hate that. It's all about the journey. Oh, fuck off.

So, we go to Lindsey and Gabby in Lindsey's room, and Lindsey's like, "Let me just call him real quick." She's like, "Hue Hefner estate." "I'm sorry, wrong number. I've really got to get my dates in order." Clark Gable's estate? No, I'm telling them I'm still mad. Hugh Hefner and Clark Gable. She's dated them all. Forever, you guys.

- George Washington, he didn't even have a phone when we met. Now you're not cheap. Now you're not so cheap you'll get a cell phone. Fuck off, George. - Hold on. Beep boop boop boop George Washington Carver. Oh my bad. By the way, peanut butter, it's still a love it. Favorite version of the thing to put on bread. Okay. - So, um,

Don't forget to just slather the jelly right on top of the peanut butter. Do not put it on one side of the bread. That's the wrong way. Well, you heard it from here. You heard it from George Washington Carver first. Well,

Well, we went right to the source. We go from straight to the rosé to straight to the source. Peanut butter is first and jelly on top, according to George Washington Carver, my ex-boyfriend. So Lindsay says that her boyfriend, her new man, his name is Turner. She goes, Turner is very private. He's not on social media. He's a doctor and he's like a nerdy, but he also is like fun and funny and like normal. He's like a normie. I found myself a fucking normie and I love it.

So then now we go to Paige and she's like, wow, you know, I'm not ready for kids. Cause right when she said she was pregnant, I had the thought where I was like, oh God, thank God it's not me. Thank God. I had a moment where I was like, what a time to be childless. I can't believe how blindsided Craig was. So yeah,

Now they all sit down to dinner for their hibachi. And Sierra's like, so she just dropped her pregnancy announcement. So Lindsay has literally announced it and then press send on her Instagram. She told all her sponsors like, okay, here's the order of the activation. I'm going to tell everyone on camera and then I will then press post send.

So boom, it is up on IG. - The post contains more hashtag fireworks than the hashtag 4th of hashtag July. We are hashtag pregnant. - I think we all know that if this is a boy, it's going to be named Marshall, right? Actually, she just had her baby. - Marshall and TJ and Max. - Yeah, she just had her baby like last week, right? Or two weeks ago? It was very recently, huh?

I think she is. I think it's a little longer than that actually. Maybe because she was just on Watch What Happens Live. So she probably, let's see, let's say the name of Lindsay Hubbard. Yeah, because we invited her to come to the crappies and she was, I was like, I know you have a baby, but you know, bring it. So the baby. We'll let Dolores hold it. She's just like, um, is this the same thing that Luke did a few years ago?

And we were like, yeah. And then she never wrote us back. So I didn't know if that was because Luke had done it or because she was like, oh, it's you dicks. Yeah. Actually, she gave birth to her daughter on December 8th. I'm like, it was just last week, right? It was like literally last week. She had a baby last week, guys. December 8th. The baby's name is Gemma Britt Kouf.

And I love, you know what I love about this? I love that Lindsay is like, "So I'm gonna have a baby and I'm gonna raise it British. So her name is Gemma." She's just gonna insist the baby is British. They're like, "I don't think you should name your baby Crumpet." "Alright, um, Tube. Tube? Let's do that, what Tube?" They're like, "Hmm, no." They're like, "Well, are we sure that just 'cause her name is Gemma, does that mean that she's actually gonna be a Brit?" "Fine, I'll make her middle name Brit." So no one's confused.

She will be British. She's forcing a British agenda on her baby. Congratulations. That's amazing. So they're laughing because this is a sponsored post. I mean, this was a funny post. It's like, look at me. It's like clear blue. I found out I was pregnant on clear blue while eating hashtag 31 flavors. Also, Vegemite. Am I right? I'm British. So...

She's like, start getting those British deals now. So Jesse, Lindsay comes to the table and everything. And they're like, talk about how, my God, they're having hibachi in the backyard. So Jesse's like, Hey, by the way, Lexi, um, how long have you been in the city for? She's like, um, like, I don't know, for like eight years. She's like, Oh really? Like, when have you been off? Um,

Well, I've been like a model since I was like 10 and I moved to Paris when I was like 16. So we see photos of her as a model. They show the picture of her as like a child model. So she's just like this kid on the lawn. Just this kid in big sunglasses laying out on the lawn. So then we find out about Lexi. She's like, I started modeling when I was like 10 or 11, which is like crazy because like I'm 26 now. Yeah.

Modeling is so intense. Like it's more intense than people think. Like when I first went to Paris, my agent sent me a subway map and they were like, you have a casting, figure it out. And so I like drove on the subway and I just kept like driving and driving. I like cried so much. It's so hard, you guys.

All right. That's pretty cool. So did you finish high school? She's like, yeah, I did homeschool in high school. So I think I did. So I did like school online. He goes, oh, yeah. You like New York? Yeah. Okay. Well, I feel like they're like on a date right now. I feel like, you know, there is a Diplo song that's called Sad Summer Day. You should listen to it, bro. How is it that Lexi seems at least 20 years younger than you?

Uh, it's so strange. How is it? It's so weird. Cause he's like, yeah, little girl, I'm just like roll up the window of your van and drive away. Sir. No one wants your creepy fucking ice cream. It feels like that. I don't know why it does, but it's, it's totally acceptable. It's acceptable flirting, but it does feel like he's flirting with like a 16 year old. It's really disarming. Not disarming his age. So it should work out. I don't really understand what's happening, but it's creepy.

So unsettling, not disarming. Disarming is actually charming. It's unsettling. It's an unsettling flirtation. Yeah. So they're asking about names and she's like, we have a name that we like, but we're not going to say it because British people don't say things until it's time. But we are thinking of Big Ben if it's a boy.

Or, I'm not going to say whatever her name is going to be, or his name, but it will rhyme with Fate Tiddleton. So then, so Ciara's like...

Well, I don't know Turner, so I'm just asking questions. Where do we meet Turner? Um, we met like three and a half years ago. And it was basically they met like in 2020. And then they went on like three or four dates and he called it off. But then he texted in December and then she was like, no. But then she kind of decided to like go on a date with him anyway. And then now, now they're pregnant together. And by they, I mean she.

That's so crazy because that's when Summer House was airing. So this guy is like dating her while that craziness was airing on TV. Yeah. That's a lot. So Sierra's like, wait, so he just randomly texted you? She's like, yeah, he's like, we should run it back. And I was like, is that a date? Yeah.

So, yeah, I mean, she told him no at first because she was busy, but then she did and there you go. And the hibachi guy interrupts to see who wants which balloon hat or whatever, which I felt kind of bad for Danielle when they had another balloon guy. I was like, poor Danielle. That is sad.

So Ciara's like, you know, I'm doing the math over here. Breakup in September. Wedding didn't happen in November. December, he reached out. July, you know, now she's four and a half months pregnant. You know what? I'm not even over my parents' divorce. And that happened 20 fucking years ago. How did she do it so quickly? And then everyone's basically like,

So they, she must've gotten with this guy in January and was pregnant by like February or something like that. Listen, Lindsay knows what she wants. She was ready. She was willing to settle for Carl. It's not like she was ever in love with Carl. Carl and Lindsay were like, well, we're both single. I guess we should do this. You know? So they were like willing to settle each other, settle for each other. And she was going to go the distance with that guy.

Until he broke up with her on TV, even after that disastrous summer she would have gone through with it just to have the wedding and everything she wanted. So she was like, "I'm done. This is what I want. I want a husband and a baby. Let's make it happen. Go. You're out." And they say the more relationships you're in, the clearer you see what you want in someone. So, because, you know, I had a friend who dated someone for like three or four years and then it fell apart.

and then he dated a new person and got engaged within a year and i was like well how do you know like aren't you scared because like a year into your previous relationship everything seemed great and then like by year three it fell apart so aren't you nervous to get engaged after just one year and he was like yeah but like you learn so much about what you want you just sort of know so i think at this point after having dated clark gable and george washington and george washington carver after dating 276 years

I think she knows exactly what she wants. It is refined. Or you just think what you want is a dream and it's not really there and you just are like, let's get it done. I'll make it work. And guess what? I'm willing to get married and I'm also willing to get divorced. Let's do it. She's goal oriented. But I think they're already broken up. Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's the rumor this week is that they're already broken up. Well, she said something like we've chosen to go separate ways, but then she had another thing where they were taking the kid to the doctor together for...

So everyone's like, oh my God, maybe they're back together. So I don't know. Who knows? But I'm sure it's Rocky. It's Lindsay, you know? So then she also dated Rocky. I'm the squirrel.

So then we cut back to Jesse and Lexi who are still flirting and Lexi's like, "Um, but my horoscope says that I'm gonna eat sushi and I'm gonna like drink wine and I'm gonna kiss someone, but I also double kiss everybody so maybe that's what it meant. Here, I'll double kiss you."

again a very specific horoscope so jesse's like well that was like a single horoscope your horoscope's like okay you're gonna kiss somebody eat sushi drink wine poop maybe clean out the fridge you can have a diet coke later you'll have a few we'll have two ice cubes at a certain point this the horoscope is just telling you what to do with the day and then it's like see i was right um so he's like

She's like, so would you just, would you describe yourself as ditzy? And she's like, she's like, uh, excuse you? Like her face totally drops. It's like, would you? He's like, that was just a question. She's like, no. And he's like, well, I mean, did you, did you take the ACT? She's like, no.

Yes, I am a model actor, but I don't get what you're getting at. He's like, well, I just don't know you enough. That's it. She's like, um, I'm just like free and fun loving and we stress out all week at work. So like, why would I stress out on the weekends? I'm not ditzy. He's like, no, I just like, I'm just asking a question. And it turns out this is part of his game.

Which is that he is essentially, this is a fancy way of him saying he likes to nag people because he's like, one thing with me is if I'm interested, I'll find out where your line is and I'll teeter on it and I'll cross a little bit and then I'll cheat majorly. And I like to feel people out. You're nagging. You're trying to make her feel bad about herself. So that way she somehow is like more attracted to you.

Well, yeah, you'll see how much you can, how much shit you can give to somebody that they'll actually take. So if they can take enough of your shit, then they're, they're worthy, I guess. So he's like, yeah, I don't know you well enough yet. I was just trying to find out, like, I take it back about you being ditzy. She's like, I already forgot about it. Yeah. Smoking hot girl wants to put me in my place. That's so attractive. Like, look how she just put me in my place. Could we roll the tape? I think she's the one. I think she's my horoscope said I was going to put a guy in his place today.

So, Amanda is, she's like, "Um, he, like, Jesse doesn't even realize that we're here. Kyle, you just lost your best friend!" And Wes is like, "Yeah, he's like, 'I'm moving out.'" So now everyone finishes dinner and- Some of them are going to be going out and some of them are going to be staying home. Lindsay obviously stays home and a bunch of the girls stay home, but Gabby goes out with the boys. It looks like Gabby goes out with the boys.

And then we get Lexi and Bailey, the wild adventures of Lexi and Bailey doing just totally non-stereotypical things. It's a bug! Like the show is trying to kill me. I know the show is trying to put me in an early grave. Why?

And Amanda, Amanda, Paige and Sierra are hanging out. Amanda's like, so what do you guys think about Lexi and Bailey? And Paige is like, so cute. And Sierra's like, yeah, which is their code for saying like, fucking hate them. Why are they on a show? Slut. Bitch. Hag. I hate her so much.

So then late at night, Kyle comes in and he's like, oh no, it's not late at night. He's like, hey, should I go? Or am I going to annoy you guys if I go? Well, Kyle, you just have to come home with the first car, promise. And Paige goes, and please leave the sunglasses here. You represent us all when you're out there.

So then Kyle's like, I just want to give my wife what she needs to be happy because I'm 41 soon to be 42, which is also the name of a Diplo song. And I need to stop using summer in the Hamptons. This is my big release, which I don't believe is ever going to do. Please fill our sandlies. So then we see a flashback to three summers ago when Amanda's freaking out in the bathroom because Kyle was out all night and not calling her back. And so she broke all of his shit.

the bathroom so we come back and he's like yeah you know like i'm just like i'm not gonna go out so late and uh i just i felt like she was always trying to control things but my actions were really upsetting her and so now it's about like trying to be a more respectful husband so now instead of coming home at four wasted i'm gonna come home at two wasted

yeah so the guys they they leave and they go out and everything and then lexi and bailey start to clean which is good because they're new so they're like we're gonna we're gonna make a good impression so we're gonna start to clean things

And they're talking about the boys and stuff, and Jesse, and Lexi's like, we like Giggle a lot. Tonight he's like, do you describe yourself as ditzy? And in my head I was like, I want to be able to show you how multifaceted I am. I'm not just like a fun-loving model. Yeah, like, don't take advantage of me just because I'm hot and giggly. Is that what you mean? She goes, yeah, because my laugh goes like...

Yeah, well, just because I'm like sexy and I can hee-hee-hee doesn't mean I'm stupid. You should tell him that. She goes, yeah, I'm gonna. Coming up next, some of the facets of Lexi's multifaceted personality. Can't wait. Fuck!

He doesn't realize how multifaceted I am. So far, she didn't take the ACT. She's terrified of bugs and she can't figure out subways. So yeah.

So Paige is like, wow, Lindsay being pregnant, like now we're like in a different like thing. And Sierra's like, yeah, we've just entered into adulthood. Oh, gross. Paige is like, I think in my younger years I had like very rose colored glasses on. And, you know, I was like, oh, then you get a job and then you get married and you have a baby. And then we got to like her first season where she was like, I want to get a job and then get married and have a baby. And she's like, but,

you know, I used to, I also used to think, go to the tanning bed and, you know, you grow up and you learn things and Craig and Craig and I. How Paige judges her own maturity. She's like, I don't go to tanning beds anymore. So I'm basically a dame. You know, I used to wear sky tops. We've all, we all make mistakes. I've got dame Judy dance in a year.

So then everybody's going to bed early, which is kind of sad because now you've got like competition in the house. So I thought they'd kind of overcompensate and be like, "Well, let's party harder. We're not old." But they're not. They're like, "Fuck that. We're going to bed. If this is our last paycheck, we will take it gladly while we're sleeping." So then we cut to Bailey just flip-flopping on her bed going, "It is so bouncy."

She was possessed. I think like Loki, we need to like talk about the fact that she needs an actual exorcism. She wasn't just like bouncing. She was like, there was some demonic possession in her that was causing her body to flop around that bed like a fish out of water. I was like, what is happening to

Bailey over here. Does anyone paying attention to her? Like she was going to spend the entire season vomiting and her head spinning around in circles and coming down staircases on her hands and feet. And people are just still going to ignore her. It's like, where's Bailey? I think she's like threw up in the corner. Yeah. It's her youth. My body wouldn't move like that. If you electrocuted me, like it would just not do it. I was so impressed.

So then the guys come home, Kyle gets home first and then they all start kind of filing in and they're still talking about Lindsay being crazy. And Russ is like, yeah, it's crazy, you know? So then Kyle, typical Kyle, wasted, comes home in bed and Kyle, you see Amanda check the time on her phone. He's like, baby, it's only two. Oh, Kyle!

as he like needs her getting into bed. Yeah. No, but he has to wake her up. He has to make a scene about coming to bed so that way she can look at the clock and he gets credit for coming home at two instead of four. So, you know, he, you know, it's like clocking out or clocking in, you know, like if you don't do it, you're not going to get your hours. So everyone's coming back drunk except for Gabby, by the way. And

And she comes home at 8.24 in the morning. 8.24, Gabby comes home. And she's like, this summer, I just feel like if I don't want to sleep in this house and there's someone on the roster who's 30 minutes away, I'm going. That's it. And he's not American because Americans are trash. Yeah. Servant wakes up.

And Jesse's like, "I wish Lexi were here." Wes is like, "You're sick." He's like, "You're great though. I followed Lexi at like four in the morning on Instagram." And he's like, "Really? What if her bio just said, 'Jesse's girlfriend'?" He's like, "Huh, yeah. Hey, should we go wake up Lexi and Bailey? Wouldn't that be so fun?" He's like, "Who's Bailey?" I don't know. I just, the name came into my head, but maybe they're awake. - It's like, bro, we're supposed to have bro summer. He's like,

I just, I'm here for you, bro. But I'm in love with her. So then they decide to have their first dunk. So they go jump in the pool together. And then everybody's gathering downstairs for breakfast and they're like, oh, the ultrasound's still on the mantle and Carl hasn't come in yet.

But of course, no one takes it down. They're like, yeah, it'll be great. So Lindsay's excited to get like she's she's like, I need one last moment in a two piece. So she's getting into a bikini and stuff. And, you know, her bump is showing and Gabby's like, oh, my God, like, you know, you know, enjoying it, et cetera. So the group is outside. She's already branded her pregnancy on Instagram. Hashtag hub cub.

So she's like, "Oh my god, I can't wait for little hub cub." They're like, "Yeah, little hub cub."

Oh my God, stop a baby, for fuck's sake. I'm sorry, Hubcap is way too close to Hubcap. I'm getting married to a Hubcap. No, that's when the baby asks for a raise in its allowance. I'm sorry, hashtag Hubcap. Sarah's like, I can't wait to see Lindsay in a little pregnancy swimsuit. Oh my God, I know. Oh my God, it'll be hilarious. So then Wes is lounging around with Kyle and Jesse and Wes is like,

guys, I think that if we all left the club separately within five minutes of each other last night, I think that was like pretty cool. And cause like, yeah, I just ripped the cord. I was like, I don't care that Diplo's playing. I'm going home at two to be with Amanda. And Jesse's like, I think that's like a good way for like you to like go out with the boys all summer and not get in trouble with your wife. What? Like going out,

getting normal drunk and coming back at a normal closing time. - It's so funny that now he's like the best husband of all time. Like, "Wow, you really did it. You really did it, buddy." So now Jesse's just like, "Guys, look at her. Look at her sitting over there. Isn't she hot? She's the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen." He's like, "Bro, we can only see her ass." "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about." "Bro, it's supposed to be bro summer. Please stop falling in love." He's like, "But I'm in love. I can't help it." - He really is.

He's like, it's just, I think I love her. Kyle's like, yo, like, are you going to like drop the album before the week, before the end of the weekend? He's like, well, you know, the crazy thing is that she seems like, she seems like an amazing person, man. She apparently has facets that I'm so, I'm so excited to see it. It's like, choose your own adventure. I love her. You've got a young, fresh, gorgeous, sweet person who only wants whatever you say she wants. I'm sure you do like her. I'm sure you fucking do. Fucking man. I can't.

she's amazing geez he's like yeah she got confused on a subway one time in paris i'm in love she's from canada she's seen toronto it's like so multifaceted so then lindsey comes out in her suit and the guy's like whoa she really is pregnant and kyle goes yeah not hiding that damn geez so then um

we're at the pool and they're talking about Lindsey's big boobs and stuff. And Kyle's like, "Well, Carl's gonna be here. "I think we're gonna do a little boys day out maybe." And Lindsey goes, "Oh, what a bummer." So Carl is coming and he's freaking out. Carl is already having a freak out. Carl looks more quaker-y than he's ever looked. He looks like he drove up in a wagon. He looks like he's gonna start taping people's mouths because they're cursing.

So he comes in and he's like, "Oh, I don't know about this. I'm nervous about seeing her. Like, I don't know how to operate in there." And the producers are like, "Oh, come on. There's no guidebook, Carl. You're feeling confused. It's totally normal. All we're going to do is follow you around with these cameras and then edit this in a way to completely humiliate you again. So you'll not only live it now, you'll live it for the rest of your lives while you're not getting paid for reruns on Bravo."

No, you don't. It's like so hard. Like, you know, do you know how many text messages I've gotten in the last 24 hours? It's like pretty funny. Like actually reading what people say, like she's been like pregnant for the last six months and hiding it from the world because she knows how crazy it would look if everybody knew she was pregnant. I don't think it looks crazy. I think we're past that. Like,

We're past that moment in time. I would hope that we would be thinking it looks crazy that someone got pregnant on their own terms while they were single and doing what they wanted to do. That's okay. She didn't get pregnant while she was dating you.

she moved on she was like i'm i'm not gonna let this derail me from my dreams of being a mother and so she went she found a guy she got pregnant like i think we actually are cheering her on yeah but i can see how the ex-boyfriend who was going to get married to her is a little bit like oh my god now i'm going to spend a whole summer with lindsay this is crazy she's already pregnant we just broke up oh but you can't complain when you took that sweater back and then you see someone

walk out of Marshall's wearing the sweater. Okay. You were the one who took it back. So sorry. I don't feel bad for you. - Exactly. And while he's also making it sound so malicious, like she's been like pregnant for six months and hiding it from the world.

not hiding it from the world. She was setting up a sponsorship. Okay. She was waiting for the ratings, Carl. It's called doing her job. Okay. Saving it for the show. So he's like, so I pull up Instagram and I learned that Lindsay has announced her pregnancy and I had like my suspicions, you know, a part of me is like really happy for her. Cause like, that's what she always wanted. Huh?

Like me with brick and mortar. But as someone who is just still like taking time to like heal and process and get rid of some of the resentment I have towards her. I don't know what to say to her. Poor Carl. He's just trying to heal from the damage that he caused her. Yeah, whatever. I mean, I know that they were in a relationship. I get that he's hurting, but the Carl constantly being in pain and a little boy who needs to be sewn up is old. It's enough. Okay. It's enough.

- And also, no one's forcing you back here. You're back here on another drunken summer that's gonna stress you out to get your paycheck, which I understand. Like, I understand that you want your check, but.

You can't come into the house and then be mad at who's going to be there. That's what the show is. Go home if you can't take it. Okay. Yeah. Don't play the healing card. Don't play the I'm just trying to heal card while you sign yourself up for another season of reality TV, which is probably the worst thing anyone could do for their mental health. Yeah. You don't want to melt. Don't spread yourself on toast. Butter.

Okay. So now, of course. Yeah. It's a hot toast. Yeah. So, well, who would say cold test? Pop over. Well, toast could have, you made the toast and it sat out for a while. No. And now it's room temperature. Bad toast. That's a bad, maybe that's why people don't use the phrase. So, um, pop over now. Um, they're gonna go meet Carl. Cause Carl is literally freaking out. Okay. Carl goes to the bathroom and he's like, Oh,

Put your weight on me. Put your weight on me. You look good by the way. You look good by the way. You look good by the way. Soft. Soft. Softness and tenderness. Softness and tenderness.

Jesse introduces Carl to, he's like, introduce you to the love of my life. So he's like, Hey, and then, um, you know, he goes outside to the pool and, you know, uh, he's saying hi to everyone. And, and Carl's just like, Oh,

And they're like, "Caaaaallllll!" Oh, I see, that was the end of the episode. Sorry. Ended it. Because you wrote that part. That was it! I was like, "It ended." You're still thinking about toast. You're like, "But wait a minute, sometimes toast is cold. I'm gonna prove it. I'm gonna make a piece of toast and leave it out. Show that motherfucker." So the truth is, the episode ended and I went back and just re-ended it.

It's over again. That was my fault because you know, there's so much like, hi, hi, hi. It's summer house and it's a super sized. It just was like, okay, what really happened here? Carl had a nervous breakdown and then came out. And now it's the end of the episode. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I thought it was fun. I think it's really, you know, uh, the, the, the vibe is right on the show. So I'm excited to see what happens. I'm terrified for the children.

Very scared for them. Yeah, all of them. The baby, all of them. The literal fetus, all of them. But I'm excited, you know, I guess, to see what happens. And it's definitely good to have Summer House back. Oh, there was a little clip in the coming this season on Summer House.

where we see a six months later with Paige and she's like, "Oh really?" And Craig is just letting people accuse me of cheating on him. And I was like, "Bro, I saw you texting, I caught you texting two girls while we were together." It's like, "Don, don, don." So I'm glad that they're starting to at least turn the narrative a little bit on that one. 'Cause that one's been making me crazy online. Craig's whole like, "Oh, I was blindsided."

His whole bullshit online. So I'm glad to see them kind of turning the key on that. Turning the screw. Turning the screw. No, not turning the screw. That's upping the tension. Turning the page? No, that's popping the over. I'm glad to see them chilling the toast on that one. Yeah. Everyone, thank you so much for being here.

We'll figure it out by the end of next week. We won't. I guarantee this. We'll be dumber next week. Well, we're watching Bravo, so that's just what happens. Sorry. So, speaking of which, we got Southern Charm coming up later this week, so looking forward to talking about that one. Everyone, thanks so much for being here, and we'll catch you in the next episode. Bye!

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Welcome to the Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're going to make some picks, talk some s**t, and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Hagar.

So here's how this show's going to work, okay? We're going to run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very serious categories like No offense. No offense, Travis Kelsey, but you've got to step up your game if Pat Mahomes is saying the Chiefs need to have more fun this year. We're also handing out a series of awards and making picks for the top storylines surrounding the world of football. Awards like the He May Have a Point Award for the wide receiver that's most justifiably bitter.

Is it Brandon Ayuk, Tee Higgins, or Devontae Adams? Plus, on Thursdays, we're doing an exclusive bonus episode on Wondery Plus, where I share my fantasy football picks ahead of Thursday night football and the weekend's matchups. Your fantasy league is as good as locked in. Follow the offensive line on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can access bonus episodes and listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.